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Especial de comédia do Mark Forward
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00:00Abertura
00:43Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
00:44Welcome to the stage, me!
00:53Shut up! Shut up!
00:56Turn it off! I'm on the phone!
01:01Yeah.
01:02What's that?
01:03No, they can wait.
01:06Well, I'm a single dad.
01:07I gotta get things done when I can get them done.
01:09You know what I mean?
01:12Special special.
01:14What?
01:15He what?
01:17Okay.
01:19I'll call you after. I gotta go do this.
01:21Yeah.
01:22So, hey, hi, blah, blah, blah.
01:25One of the best.
01:28Ba-da-bing, ba-da-bing.
01:30Made a good decision tonight.
01:32Uh...
01:35So, um...
01:38What up?
01:45Um...
01:46So, uh...
01:49Politics, what?
01:55Right?
01:58Don't you wake up every morning and just look at...
02:00Ah, come on!
02:06So, that's the politics stuff.
02:11Um...
02:12Hey, uh...
02:13Americans don't want healthcare.
02:15What?
02:15What is...
02:19Uh, hello!
02:22Uh...
02:23It's amazing.
02:24It's...
02:24Healthcare's amazing.
02:25Do you know any day of the week you can walk into a walk-in clinic and someone will just
02:29touch your balls?
02:30They will just touch them.
02:34And then you just go, ah, not doing it today.
02:38It's...
02:38See you tomorrow!
02:42And sometimes it's a guy!
02:48What else can I tell you?
02:54Ah...
02:55P-P-P-P-Dip-P-P.
03:02Guys, I don't know if you can tell.
03:06Um...
03:06I haven't a lot of time to write this special.
03:10Um...
03:12Those aren't my best jokes.
03:17I'm a single dad, and, um, you know, there's just so much time in the day, and so many damn
03:24sandwiches.
03:28I just thought, you know, I could mix the two.
03:34Shoot my special, make the sandwiches.
03:37But there's just so goddamn many sandwiches.
03:43There has to be a better way.
03:45Hey, are you a single mom or dad?
03:48Yeah.
03:48Does it just seem like there isn't enough time in the day?
03:51You're telling me.
03:53Sandwiches.
03:53Right?
03:54Sandwiches upon sandwiches upon sandwiches.
03:57When will the sandwiches end?
04:00I don't know.
04:00Well, now there's an answer for you.
04:03Kill it.
04:04What's your son's name?
04:06My son is Brian.
04:07I'll bet Brian barely says thank you most of the time.
04:09He's a bit rude.
04:10Who does Brian think he is?
04:12And where does Brian think he's living?
04:15I don't know.
04:15The Ritz?
04:16Maybe.
04:17The Hilton?
04:18Another hotel name?
04:20You couldn't think of another.
04:21Maybe it's time Brian learns about life.
04:24Maybe.
04:25But it's not a free ride.
04:26Yeah.
04:27Sandwiches take forever.
04:29Oh, you're telling me.
04:30And ever to make.
04:31Oh!
04:32Does Brian know that?
04:33No.
04:34Kill Brian.
04:35What?
04:36Kill Brian.
04:36What?
04:37I mean, there has to be a better way.
04:44I can't murder Brian.
04:51Get these thoughts out of my head.
04:54He's my son.
04:56What have I become?
05:00Sandwich maker number one.
05:05My job and these damn sandwiches.
05:12Oh, this is no way for a man to live.
05:20If I'm honest, when I was younger, it was different, you'd see.
05:27At the first sight of these sandwiches, that boy would have died.
05:39I can't live with the life of God.
05:46I've got to live with the life of God.
05:48My job and these sandwiches and the U.S. of A.
05:59Cheats is of the sweet land, a liberty of the A.C.
06:13Sandwiches.
06:29So, that's how I used to do my shows.
06:32Fun, stupid, playful, had no point.
06:35But, no, that's not what you guys want anymore.
06:39Every stand-up show has to have a fucking point.
06:45No, don't.
06:46Don't.
06:47The one's clapping and the same one's not enjoying that sandwich bit.
06:56Sick of it.
06:59That's why I wrote this show, because I've been watching other comics.
07:02They're always slipping in real shit.
07:05It's usually either death or they've been molested.
07:08One or the other.
07:11And, guys, I have not been molested.
07:15And I'm not going to go through that to put on a show.
07:24I'm 44.
07:25I don't even think at this point.
07:29Technically, I can be molested.
07:33Like, even if I found a scientist who had a time machine,
07:38he's going to ask questions.
07:45He's a scientist.
07:48He's going to have forms.
07:52First question is, what are you doing with my time machine?
07:57So I chose death.
08:00This whole show is about death.
08:03And it's going to get really deep.
08:04And we're going to figure things out.
08:06It's going to be so moving that I'm going to win all the awards.
08:10It's going to be so fucking good.
08:12The way the show works is,
08:14anytime I sit down on this stool,
08:15that's a real moment.
08:17A real moment that's going to win me all the awards.
08:22Watch.
08:23I'll show you how it works.
08:34You know, at the top of the show,
08:37that song played and the lights went nice.
08:40It was supposed to be the theme from Dallas,
08:42but we couldn't afford it.
08:50When I was young,
08:52I was still scared of dying.
08:54I'd be lying in bed,
08:56and I'd run down the stairs,
08:57and Dallas would be on.
08:58That's how it works.
09:07Don't clap.
09:08I hate it.
09:16I don't believe in heaven.
09:18That's my problem, right?
09:19For me, death is the end, right?
09:21I don't believe in heaven,
09:22and I don't argue with you about it anymore.
09:25There's no point, right?
09:26I just learned this trick.
09:27Hmm.
09:29That's...
09:34It's a great trick, right?
09:35I'm going to heaven.
09:36Hmm.
09:36It's like...
09:39It's condescending enough, right?
09:42But still says,
09:44well, I have other facts and information,
09:47but I'm enjoying this dinner with you, Lisa!
09:55And that's great you believe in that.
09:56I'll give it to you.
09:57We don't have time to get into it.
09:59But then you do all this shit where you're like,
10:00my dog's going to be in heaven, too.
10:02It's going to come running over the hill.
10:04Fucking grow up.
10:07Grow up!
10:08Your dog doesn't even love you here on Earth.
10:13He doesn't.
10:14Take your little fucking moment.
10:16I'll come back when you want to be adults.
10:23Do you know when you went to buy your dog?
10:26If you took one step to the right,
10:28the next person in line,
10:30that dog would have loved just as fucking much.
10:33What do you think you're doing?
10:35You feed it and you pet it.
10:37You're no fucking wizard.
10:40It doesn't love you.
10:42Let it sink in.
10:43Why is he so excited when I come home?
10:45He's not.
10:47He's confused.
10:50Why did you get me if you're not going to be here eight hours a day?
10:58I had 12 brothers and sisters.
11:05Oh, but thank you for leaving the radio on.
11:12You ever listen to the radio for eight fucking hours?
11:17You would shit on everything as well.
11:26If your dog doesn't love you,
11:27it's not going to be in heaven.
11:29Sorry.
11:29Listen.
11:31If your dog is going to be in heaven,
11:33that means bears are going to be in heaven.
11:39Think about that with critical thinking.
11:44Think about a bear.
11:46He's just fishing in a string.
11:48It's a beautiful day.
11:50Sun.
11:52Warming his black fur.
11:58You got a big one.
12:06I'm not going to lie, guys.
12:07I don't do a lot of impressions, but...
12:16You're not going to see it better.
12:23I don't do a lot of impressions.
12:26Some of you are here to have a good time.
12:28I like you people.
12:31So he catches the salmon.
12:35And in that euphoric instant,
12:38damn, he has a heart attack and he dies.
12:42And instantly,
12:43he's now in line
12:45to get into the pearly gates.
12:47Heaven.
12:48A place he's never heard of ever.
12:55Like, not even in passing.
12:59Like, another bear was like,
13:00hey, do you know what I heard about you, Jay?
13:02No.
13:03So you got Chris in line
13:05from San Francisco.
13:08He was an accountant.
13:10Judy's behind him.
13:11She was a secretary.
13:12Never found love.
13:13Poor thing.
13:20And then right behind Judy
13:21is a bear!
13:24A very confused
13:26and angry bear!
13:28He's like, where's my salmon?
13:30He doesn't even have time
13:31to turn around and see
13:32it's right behind him!
13:42Don't clap.
13:43I hate it.
13:49Like, someone's gonna have to come out, right?
13:51Like, maybe Jesus comes out.
13:53He's like, can I get all the bears?
13:58All the bears in line.
13:59Get up here.
14:01You get up here,
14:02you silly little gooses.
14:08Oh, did you guys not know
14:10Jesus is a homosexual?
14:13He's still gay.
14:16I love some of you are upset.
14:18I don't care.
14:18I will gay him the fuck up.
14:22You thought he was on your side.
14:24No!
14:26Good game, St. Peter.
14:28Good for you.
14:28Nice shorts.
14:32Come here, John Lennon.
14:50So Jesus is gonna be like,
14:50hey, bears, listen.
14:53This is heaven.
14:54It's me and my dad's face.
15:00Hey, what, is he gonna start
15:02explaining Catholicism to bears?
15:06The bears are gonna be
15:07standing there going,
15:08wait!
15:09Wait!
15:11What's a bear?
15:16Now, I love that joke.
15:18I'll tell you why I love that joke so much.
15:20Breaks us up into three groups, okay?
15:22First group, you didn't get it.
15:23That's fine.
15:25We named the bears.
15:26They don't speak English.
15:28That's the first time
15:28they would ever hear that word.
15:29Great joke.
15:30Second group, you're the Catholics.
15:34You're still pissed off about that.
15:37Jesus sucking off John Lennon.
15:40If you notice, Jesus didn't spit.
15:43So you're gonna be...
15:44Oh!
15:45Is that the line?
15:48Is that the line?
15:54Third group, you're the smart group.
15:56You're like, wait a minute.
15:59Hang on!
16:02Why did those bears come over
16:05in the first place?
16:11When Jesus said,
16:12come over, bears,
16:13if they don't know
16:14what a bear is.
16:16I agree.
16:18Doesn't make any sense.
16:19Who writes this shit?
16:34I do.
16:45Who are you?
16:55What?
17:03I said...
17:06Who are you?
17:11I'm you, man.
17:13Well, you don't give a shit.
17:16That's who writes my jokes.
17:20No!
17:22I hate it!
17:33My, um...
17:34My sister died of cancer.
17:37And the first question people ask me is,
17:41how old was she?
17:43And I always found that
17:44a weird question to ask,
17:45and then I figured out
17:47why we do it.
17:48It's so we figure out
17:51how sad we'll be
17:55when we react.
17:58I've done the math, guys.
17:59Look.
18:01Zero to 12,
18:02that's a big...
18:03Oh, no!
18:05Right?
18:05And then you go 13 to 18,
18:07smaller, oh, no.
18:0818 to 30, it's like,
18:09well, they were probably
18:10up to something.
18:1130 it up.
18:12You don't fucking care.
18:13You know when you always care?
18:15WHEN IT'S A DOG!
18:31You know, I just...
18:33I...
18:37You know, it's just...
18:39It's just like,
18:41maybe this is too much for you.
18:42You know what I mean?
18:44You're all like,
18:45oh, well...
18:46I just wanted to see
18:47some stand-up tonight.
18:50What is this?
18:55I can do regular stand-up.
18:56I can do that.
18:57I can do...
18:58I can do, like,
18:59men and women shit.
19:04Hey, hey, um...
19:06You guys, uh...
19:10No...
19:11Hear me out.
19:14You guys ever notice
19:15how, uh, women love sombreros?
19:20Um...
19:20They're always walking around
19:21with their sombreros.
19:24And, um...
19:25Guys are always working out, right?
19:26Guys love to work out.
19:27I like to work out.
19:29Work out, work out!
19:31And they all...
19:32Oh, there's a bee in here.
19:35Where is it?
19:37Anybody see it?
19:38Well, there he is.
19:44No, don't worry.
19:45Um, they're more afraid
19:46of us than we are them.
19:48I have a nature book
19:49at home,
19:50and it says that, so...
19:52We'll just...
19:53Just keep going with the show.
19:54Just ignore it.
19:55We'll be fine.
19:56So I was like, uh, sombreros...
19:58Oh, women always wear sombreros.
20:00What the fuck
20:01did you just say to me?
20:02What's that?
20:04Don't fuck with me.
20:05What the fuck
20:06did you just say to me?
20:07No, I was just telling
20:08that bees are not...
20:09How dumb do you think
20:10I am, huh?
20:11I don't think you're dumb.
20:12Tell me on the dumb levels
20:13what level of dumb I am.
20:14I don't know
20:15what the dumb levels are.
20:16The fuck you don't.
20:177, 12, and 16.
20:19So which dumb level
20:21do you think I am?
20:22That did not clear up anything.
20:24I heard what you said.
20:25Just for your information,
20:27I am in no way
20:28afraid of you.
20:29I don't.
20:29Okay, good.
20:30Why would I be, huh?
20:31Afraid of what?
20:32How fat you are?
20:34How much of a failure
20:35you are in comedy?
20:36Huh?
20:36Why don't you tell
20:37some jokes for once
20:38instead of all this
20:39out there shit?
20:40You think that makes you
20:41good, you dumb fat fuck?
20:43You stupid, dumb, fat fuck?
20:47Okay.
20:49Okay, okay, fuck.
20:52Okay, look, jeez.
20:53I'm sorry, alright?
20:55You know, things have been
20:56tough for me lately
20:57and, uh...
20:58It's okay.
20:58My temper has been
21:00pretty bad, so...
21:01Yeah, so...
21:02I understand.
21:03I'm sorry.
21:05You're not that fat.
21:06Thanks.
21:07And I'm sure you do
21:08okay at comedy.
21:09Not tonight.
21:11I've just been under
21:12a lot of pressure lately.
21:13Yeah?
21:14My wife just left me
21:15for suicide
21:16and, uh, my job
21:17is a joke.
21:18Well, I get pressure,
21:20you know, I gotta tell
21:20jokes for these
21:21fucking idiots.
21:22It's so hard.
21:24You know, I guess
21:25that would be hard
21:26every day.
21:26It is, thanks.
21:27I never thought of that.
21:28Thank you.
21:30Hey.
21:30What?
21:31Wanna be friends?
21:33I would love to be friends.
21:39You go first.
21:41You go first.
21:43Oh, we ain't got
21:45a barrel of money.
21:48Maybe we're ragged
21:50and funny
21:51but we'll travel along
21:54singing a song
21:56side by side.
21:59We're best friends now.
22:02Ow!
22:02Fuck!
22:03You're a beautiful
22:04bitch.
22:05You did this
22:07on the top of it.
22:07What?
22:08I'm dying.
22:09What?
22:09I'm dying because
22:11I stung you.
22:12No!
22:13You son of a bitch.
22:16I did it!
22:19I see you, honey.
22:21I'm coming.
22:23I see you.
22:25I'm coming.
22:26No.
22:27Don't go home.
22:28I'm coming.
22:33That was my best friend.
22:37I just love my best friend.
22:43My best friend, everybody!
22:47My best friend!
22:52So, um, I'm Mark, of course.
22:54You know me.
22:54And, uh, tell me who you are.
22:57And I'm Brian Williamsburg.
22:58This is Brian Williamsburg.
22:59Oh, this is actually not from this show.
23:01We're doing a friend show in the summer
23:02called Believe Me,
23:03and I thought we could just
23:03talk in there.
23:05Sell some tea.
23:05Ow!
23:06Fuck!
23:08You're the fuck!
23:11Ow!
23:12Ow!
23:17Life imitates art!
23:22Life imitates art!
23:25All right, turn it off.
23:28Well, it's like,
23:28I don't even know.
23:30You know,
23:30why did they bother coming?
23:34You know?
23:38Like, I went to the dollar store.
23:39They didn't have beads.
23:40I had to buy a butterfly
23:42and turn it
23:43into a bead.
23:45That's not good enough
23:45for these fuckers.
23:55I've been touring
23:56and doing stand-up
23:57for about a thousand years.
24:01You are the worst group
24:03of people I've ever met.
24:09Also, in traveling,
24:11we stand-up comics
24:12have a little trick
24:14where we'll learn
24:15about a town
24:16near your town.
24:17And then when we say
24:18that town,
24:18you boo and stuff
24:20and it makes you feel
24:21like you're connected
24:21and part of the show.
24:23And I am sick
24:25of learning of towns.
24:29So I've made up
24:30one town.
24:31This is the town
24:32you hate.
24:33North Haverbrod.
24:34If you hear me
24:35talk about North Haverbrod,
24:36you hate that town.
24:38It's at Highway 17 and 17.
24:40They don't have a school.
24:41If they did,
24:42they'd be the Eagles.
24:43Mary, I still love you.
24:44Please.
24:48Which camera is it?
24:50Which camera is it?
24:51Which camera?
24:51Which camera?
24:52She could be at home watching.
24:59She'll come one night, Shadow.
25:19I'm not as afraid of dying
25:21as I've aged.
25:24I saw an old man
25:25in the park
25:25sitting on a bench.
25:27He just looks so peaceful
25:28because he's done.
25:35You know what I mean?
25:36He has no more
25:37big decisions to make.
25:39Who he's going to fuck,
25:40who he's going to suck
25:41mortgages.
25:48I would love that kind of calm,
25:50that kind of peace.
25:52I went into the bathroom
25:53the other day
25:54and they had one of those
25:54motion-sensing faucets.
25:57And I washed my hands,
25:59but the water didn't come.
26:01And I thought,
26:01oh my God,
26:03it's over.
26:05I'm dead.
26:06I'm a ghost.
26:08I'm a ghost.
26:10Ooh.
26:15Ooh.
26:22And after about five minutes
26:24of walking around the bathroom
26:25going,
26:27ooh.
26:32Ooh.
26:35I tried the other faucet
26:38and it worked.
26:40And I came here.
26:44I think about my funeral a lot.
26:47Let's imagine we're at my funeral.
26:50Let's imagine my coffin
26:51is right here.
26:52You're my friends and family.
26:54The coffin's right in the middle.
26:56It's oak.
26:58That's a dark wood.
27:01It's open.
27:03It's always going to be open.
27:05No matter how I die
27:07because I find that funny.
27:11And the only thing in my will
27:13is that this song
27:15will play at my funeral.
27:19Now,
27:20if you don't know this song,
27:23it's It's Raining Men.
27:26by the Weather Girls.
27:28Why this song?
27:29One,
27:29it's amazing.
27:31Two,
27:32it's five minutes
27:34and 26 seconds long.
27:38So imagine you're at my funeral
27:41and this song's playing
27:43for five minutes and 26 seconds.
27:45We don't even know how I died.
27:47A moose raped me.
27:50A moose raped me.
27:53So imagine
27:54the coffin,
27:55of my face covered
27:56in moose cum.
27:59Why is your face
28:01moose cum on it?
28:02I'm not
28:03swallowing cum
28:04from a moose
28:06that is raping me.
28:13And it plays
28:14for five minutes
28:15and 26 seconds.
28:17all right,
28:18turn it off.
28:20Um,
28:20so,
28:21turn it off.
28:24Guys,
28:24can you turn it off?
28:27Guys,
28:29it's five minutes
28:30and 26 seconds.
28:36Guys,
28:37honestly,
28:37you're fucking with me.
28:38Turn it off.
28:39What the fuck?
28:41Why would they turn it?
28:42This is my fucking special.
28:45What the fuck is going on, guys?
28:47Turn it off.
28:51still time?
28:53I don't have five minutes
28:54and 27 seconds.
28:59Take your car.
29:03Yep,
29:03that's the right one.
29:15I mean,
29:16you know,
29:16you get one special,
29:17maybe,
29:18once in your life,
29:19and, um,
29:20they won't turn off
29:21the fucking song.
29:23Five minutes
29:24and 26 seconds!
29:26Five minutes
29:50and 26 seconds!
30:04Oh, my God,
30:05I hate these people.
30:10Are you guys
30:11slowly learning
30:12how long
30:12five minutes
30:13and 26 seconds is?
30:17Do you know
30:18all that stuff
30:18you say in a day?
30:19I don't have time.
30:23It's not even
30:24half over.
30:34Can you hear
30:38all the other
30:38Canadian comics
30:39screaming,
30:41how much time
30:42did he waste
30:42on his special?
30:48Five minutes
30:49and 26 seconds!
30:53Can you pick up
30:54Kevin today?
30:55No,
30:55I don't have time.
31:02How you guys?
31:04Tell them
31:04I hate.
31:05Applause.
31:08Now,
31:09you know
31:09that they're not
31:10actually weather girls,
31:11right?
31:13because if it was
31:14raining men,
31:15that won't be
31:16a catastrophe.
31:18It'll be a bloodbath.
31:21Even if it was
31:22raining men,
31:25like one man
31:26rain,
31:28you wouldn't want
31:29to see that.
31:35How do you think
31:36it's going?
31:39I think it's going?
31:40pretty good too.
31:42I know
31:44they're thinking
31:44this song was edited.
31:47That's five minutes
31:48and 26 seconds.
31:49I think it's pretty good too.
31:57I know
31:58they're thinking
31:58this song was edited.
32:01That's five minutes and 26 seconds.
32:01Maybe we'll be going
32:02to your funeral later.
32:05He kills himself.
32:07You know what I'm talking about?
32:09That's what you do
32:09about suicide?
32:10You're a disgusting person.
32:26Like,
32:27didn't they have
32:27a friend to say,
32:28that's enough?
32:31I like how it fades out, too.
32:35Which says,
32:36they weren't done.
32:49You guys ever write a show
32:50that you're too fat for?
32:59you got to use your time.
33:01And that's what
33:01we just learned.
33:03Maximize every minute.
33:06They say,
33:06the early bird
33:07gets the worm.
33:09But just,
33:11I don't like that saying
33:12because the worm
33:13was up early, too.
33:23Do you guys get that joke?
33:28I feel like you've been
33:29missing a lot of the jokes.
33:33It's okay.
33:34I can explain it.
33:35So imagine a worm.
33:41No, it's okay.
33:42It's okay to admit
33:44you're dumb.
33:44Look.
33:49So imagine the worm
33:51is sleeping
33:52and his dad's
33:53in another room
33:54and he's like,
33:56Sebastian.
34:02Sebastian,
34:03get up,
34:04you sleepyhead.
34:07Sebastian.
34:09Sebastian.
34:10Come on,
34:11lazy boy.
34:12It's time
34:12to start your day.
34:16Sebastian.
34:18Sebastian.
34:20And he gets up
34:21and he starts his day.
34:28And then,
34:29out of nowhere,
34:32a bird
34:34comes and eats
34:35half of them.
34:41They still don't think
34:42you're getting the joke.
34:49So his dad
34:50would get a phone call
34:51at work.
34:53Hello?
34:55What?
34:58My Sebastian.
35:01My sweet,
35:02sweet little Sebastian.
35:04Do you guys get
35:05that I'm,
35:06I'm,
35:06I'm the worm's dad?
35:26My Sebastian.
35:29Where is he?
35:30Where is it?
35:31Sebastião!
35:32Eu ia fugir.
35:33Eu ia fugir para encontrar a sweet Sebastião
35:37e pegar sua limplestade.
35:40Oh, meu Sebastião!
35:43Eu devia ter apenas deixado você dormir!
35:48Então, eu espero que você entende agora.
36:06Eu não quero morrer naquilo.
36:11Eu não quero ser encontrado assim.
36:12Eu vejo cada um desse corpo.
36:14Eu tenho um iPhone.
36:21Eu estou tão cuidadoso no chão.
36:25Meu pior sonido é que eles me encontraram me meio em e meio em e meio fora.
36:33Quando você se machucou.
36:35E não será salada.
36:47Eu vou ter que eu fico se divertir se você não.
36:56Eu provavelmente me encontraria me em meio da sala,
36:59tentando encontrar algo para cobrá-se.
37:02Você sabe?
37:03O paramec seria tipo,
37:05onde ele estava indo?
37:11Eu também não quero morrer na Natal.
37:18Eu não quero morrer.
37:20Eu não quero morrer.
37:21Eu não quero morrer na Natal.
37:22Eu não quero morrer na Natal.
37:23Eu não quero morrer na Natal.
37:23Aí eu não quero morrer na Natal.
37:26É por ter que morrer.
37:33Tenho amado por mim.
37:35I'm hit by a bus
37:37What was I doing out and about?
37:40It's Christmas
37:42I should've been at home
37:45Cause it was Christmas
37:47Don't ever sit in the front again
37:49Honestly
37:56My heart explodes cause I don't take care of my body
37:59Blood comes running down my nose
38:03Cut off my genitals while I'm carving the turkey
38:07Or maybe go outside
38:09And blow my brains out in the snow
38:15That one's on me
38:17That one's on me
38:20Don't wanna die
38:22I don't wanna die
38:26I've been a terrible day tonight
38:31Settle down ladies
38:40You could wrap the coffin up in pretty Christmas paper
38:45But you already know the gift that was inside
38:50Right? It would be me
38:51It would be me in the coffin
38:53No!
38:55No!
38:56Guys, turn it off!
38:59Guys!
39:00Why is that playing?
39:03We can't do this again
39:06This is my special!
39:11You are ruining my special!
39:13Get out of the way!
39:14I'm filming a special!
39:16Do you know I'm filming a special?
39:18Why would you sit right there?
39:19I'm filming a special!
39:20I'm filming a special!
39:28I'm filming a special!
39:29I'm filming a special!
39:29How scary were you guys?
39:46Life's about perspective
39:48You know how you look at things
39:51Like
39:52The zoo animal I feel the worst for is the giraffe
39:57Because it can constantly see the way out
40:09It's taller
40:12It's no longer than that
40:30There was a woman
40:32And her dog kept nudging her breast
40:36And she kept saying get out of here
40:39She just happened to have a doctor's appointment that week
40:42You know what they found?
40:43She had cancer
40:44In that breast
40:46What?
40:49That's amazing!
40:50I can't even get my dog to sit!
40:55And this dog can give you cancer?
41:12I was walking down the street
41:12And a blind man and his dog were walking towards me
41:16And I didn't move
41:17Cause that's his job
41:23But he kept walking towards me
41:26And so I finally was like
41:27Alright, fine
41:28And I didn't know what you do in that situation
41:30Like do I stop the blind guy and be like
41:32Hey, dude
41:33Your dog is shit
41:38That's perspective, right?
41:39I forgot
41:39The dog was probably thinking
41:41Why?
41:42Who?
41:42Doesn't get out of the way of a blind man and his dog
41:45And I thought
41:46Which? Who's right?
41:47You know?
41:47And they got hit by a bus
41:51Figured it out
41:52Shitty dog
41:59I think
42:05I think
42:07We gotta stop worrying about the end
42:10You know?
42:10It's more about what gets us through day to day
42:15And I think that's love
42:18You gotta have love in your life
42:21I wanna tell you my favorite love story
42:25Uh, you've probably heard it
42:29It's, uh, hey
42:32Hey diddle diddle
42:35Yeah
42:37And the cat
42:39Had a fiddle
42:40Now, you guys know cats, right?
42:44Right?
42:46They have tiny, tiny little paws
42:51You know cats
42:52You've probably
42:54Drowned a couple in a river
43:05But it could play a giant fiddle
43:10That on any day is amazing
43:13What happens next though
43:15A cow
43:17Jumps
43:19Over the moon
43:22Guys cows don't jump
43:26His friends were probably like
43:27Don't even try
43:31And on his first attempt
43:34He leapt the lunar surface
43:38So you have a cat
43:39Playing a fiddle
43:41A cow
43:43Leaping over the moon
43:45Little dog
43:46He laughed, but
43:47He was young
43:47He thought, I'm gonna see
43:48I'm gonna see this all the time
43:52But the dish
43:53And the spoon
43:56With all that going on
43:59Looked at each other
44:00And said
44:02Let's get the fuck out of here
44:12Let's get the fuck out of here
44:13That's true love
44:13Don't
44:15Don't act like you have it
44:17Either you don't
44:18No, one of you in the couple
44:20Will be like
44:21Uh, I think
44:22I'm gonna stick around
44:23And watch a fucking cat
44:25Play a fiddle
44:26A cow
44:27Just jump the fucking moon
44:29Stop wrecking everything Cheryl
44:43I think about them often
44:44And uh
44:46You know, where they went
44:47What they got up to
44:53I did some research
44:54And um
44:56I don't like what I found
45:00Can you play the music, please?
45:08Can you play the music, please?
45:13Why are they so sad?
45:16This is the last day of my life
45:22What?
45:24What happened to my young lovers?
45:28I will meet you
45:30Later
45:31In somebody's office
45:35They're getting a divorce
45:41I'll talk
45:42But you won't
45:44Listen to me
45:46Kevin
45:49Kevin
45:52Kevin
45:53Kevin
45:58He's not listening
45:59He's not listening
46:04I know you don't love me anymore
46:14You used to hold my hand
46:19When the plane took off
46:25Symbolic, that's symbolic
46:30They just seem so much more
46:40And I don't know what happened to our love
46:48I'll tell you what happened
46:49A spatula happened, that's what happened
46:52I'll tell you what happened
46:54A late night to the office
46:56I brought a subway sub
46:59Tuna just like you like
47:01Get out of here
47:03Please
47:05Stop pushing me away
47:07Just go
47:09Just let me taste you
47:10Listen to me추
47:19right This
47:21deed was blended She's
47:25pregnant She's
47:29pregnant! This saudade
47:31was planted She's pregnant!
47:44So they're still doing it.
47:46They're still fucking every day at the office.
47:50It's a spatula, that's how they...
48:00But someone shows up unexpectedly
48:01to take them out to lunch.
48:03Knock, knock, Kevin, are you in there?
48:09Kevin, what's wrong?
48:11I brought Subway subs, turkey just like you like.
48:15She doesn't even know him.
48:21I'm coming in, Kevin.
48:23No, don't come in!
48:25Kevin!
48:26What is happening?
48:28It's not what it looks like.
48:30It's exactly as it fucking looks like, Kevin.
48:34Who is this whore?
48:36Is she from North Hamer, Brock?
48:47It's a long way to go for that one.
48:50She's done again!
48:52No, please!
48:54Please, we can work it out!
48:55I'm sick of forking things now!
48:57Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha
49:01-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha
49:02-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.
49:04Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha
49:07-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha
49:09-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha
49:10-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha
49:11-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha
49:13-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha
49:29How did she shoot herself six times?
49:38I wouldn't want to be at that open casket.
49:49Guys, I know it felt like I would have all the answers.
49:57I know it's been a real emotional rollercoaster.
50:02I can't wait to be at the Emmys.
50:10But the one thing we've learned is you just gotta,
50:12you just gotta keep fighting, you know?
50:14You just gotta keep, no matter what life throws at you.
50:18And that's why I wrote this song.
50:22Um, at home.
50:25And it's all about that.
50:26Can we play the music?
50:32This song, no.
50:34Yeah, you know, I hate wooing and I hate clapping.
50:39Just gotta fight through whatever's thrown at you,
50:41you know what I'm talking about?
50:42You picked the wrong comedy show.
50:45Fight through it, go to another one.
50:47It won't be as good as this,
50:49because you're a fucking idiot.
50:51You gotta keep fighting through, you know?
50:53Someone's gonna hurt you.
50:55Someone's gonna hurt you when you keep fighting through.
50:58That's what I do.
51:00That's why I wrote this song.
51:01It's all about that.
51:09It's a really long intro.
51:27You've got to believe that...
51:31it's all about that.
51:34It's all about it.
51:35Yeah, it's not all about it.
51:49It's all about it.
51:51And it's all about it.
51:53It's all about it...
51:55And it was it.
51:56It was all about it.
51:57It's true.
52:26Obrigado.
52:55Obrigado.
53:26Obrigado.
53:33Obrigado.
53:58Obrigado.
54:56Obrigado.
55:18Obrigado.
55:56Obrigado.
56:26Obrigado.
56:27Obrigado.
57:17Obrigado.
57:55Obrigado.
58:26Obrigado.
58:56Obrigado.
59:13Obrigado.
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