Cummins Get Outta Here Devil 2020

Chicago

Watch Cummins Get Outta Here Devil 2020 - Chicago on Dailymotion

Transcript

00:00:09Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage, Dan's Coming!

00:00:23Thank you, guys.

00:00:30Aw, thank you very much.

00:00:33Aw, man, I appreciate it.

00:00:42To any of the time-soaked people who came tonight, hail Nimrod, you guys.

00:00:46Aw, hail Lucifina.

00:00:50Showbiz, that's how they do it in Hollywood.

00:00:53Let's not even do a stand-up special, let's just do weird catchphrases from our podcasts.

00:00:59Exactly.

00:01:03All right, now we've got some jokes to tell.

00:01:06I made a terrible parenting choice a while back, I feel pretty bad about.

00:01:10My daughter Monroe, she turned 11 earlier this year, and her entire childhood she'd been doing speech therapy, like going

00:01:16back to preschool.

00:01:17But for the previous two years prior to 11, she could say every single sound perfectly, except for the R

00:01:22sound.

00:01:23And I was getting frustrated with her, because I thought she was just not doing her exercises.

00:01:26I thought she just wasn't doing her homework.

00:01:28Essentially, I'm a maniac, and I thought that my daughter had a speech impediment because she was lazy.

00:01:35And I was getting after her, I was like, come on Monroe.

00:01:37I'm like, you gotta work on it.

00:01:38All right, you gotta do the exercises.

00:01:39They give you homework assignments for a reason.

00:01:42You actually have to try.

00:01:43And she's like, Dad, I am twine.

00:01:45And I would think horrible shit.

00:01:48Well, I'm not twine very hard.

00:01:54Finally, I took her to a nude speech therapist.

00:01:56Earlier this year, I have no idea why the first person never did this test.

00:02:00They ran a different test, found out that she's physically tongue-tied,

00:02:02in a way that makes it literally impossible for her to make the R sound.

00:02:06She could work on it for 10 hours a day, every single day, for the rest of her life, and

00:02:10never get it.

00:02:12And luckily, that's not where this story ends, because that'd be a fucking bummer.

00:02:16How busy would you be if I took you down that entire road, just to be like,

00:02:18yeah, so, it sucks, you know?

00:02:21It's gonna be a hard life.

00:02:22No one's gonna take that seriously.

00:02:24Hi, my name is Muo. I'll be your attorney.

00:02:26No, you won't.

00:02:28I'm not gonna hire a lawyer who can't say their own name correctly.

00:02:32No, it gets way better.

00:02:34This new therapist told us about a phrenectomy.

00:02:36I don't know why the first person ever brought this up.

00:02:39It's just a simple outpatient procedure.

00:02:41They laser the phrenulum that connects your tongue to the bottom of your mouth,

00:02:44so your tongue can move naturally, and you can make all your sounds.

00:02:47And so we have that done.

00:02:48Two weeks later, Monroe is perfectly pronouncing everything.

00:02:52Crushing R's.

00:02:53She will speak better than I can for the rest of her life.

00:02:57And when she found out that she could, you know, finally say things the way she wanted to say,

00:03:00she was so happy slash furious.

00:03:03Like, happy she could speak correctly.

00:03:05She's actually a little irritated that for the past two years her dad had been doing the parental equivalent

00:03:09of just yelling at a blind child for not being able to see.

00:03:12Just a monster.

00:03:13Just squint it out already!

00:03:17Get rid of that dumb stick if you'd squint harder!

00:03:26She's probably gonna be showing off our abilities for the rest of her childhood now.

00:03:29Dad, would you like to hear my sounds again?

00:03:31Yeah, go ahead, Monroe. Let's see what you got.

00:03:33I cannot believe my father never considered other treatment options whatsoever.

00:03:41Are my R's clear now, motherfucker?

00:03:52Yeah, good job, Monroe. I felt that last one.

00:03:57And sometimes I'm too hard on my kids.

00:03:59Usually, I'm too hard on my kids because I'm worried about being too soft.

00:04:02Man, I hate soft parenting.

00:04:03I feel like soft parenting ruins people.

00:04:06Right? Truly, truly.

00:04:07Too many parents afraid to criticize or discipline.

00:04:09They just want to tell their kids how awesome they are all of the time.

00:04:13You ever met somebody who was only told they were awesome by their parents?

00:04:17Hundred out of a hundred times, not awesome.

00:04:22Delusional. No self-awareness.

00:04:24Right? Just saying things that prove they have no sense of reality all the time.

00:04:27What did you just say?

00:04:28Did you actually just say that you're a social media influencer?

00:04:34Do you think that's what you do?

00:04:37You have 42 followers on Instagram and a part-time job at Arby's.

00:04:41You're barely a roast beef influencer.

00:04:48I've met adults that were clearly ruined by overly supportive parents.

00:04:51I'll never forget this one guy I met early on doing stand-up.

00:04:54It was an open mic. It was an amateur night.

00:04:56And anybody who showed up with their name on a list got to do 10 minutes.

00:04:59And this one guy, he showed up with his mom.

00:05:02Only his mom.

00:05:03So, red flag, right, and shotgun already.

00:05:07And he does his 10 minutes to silence from the audience.

00:05:10He just eats it for 10 minutes.

00:05:12No one in the audience laughs at a single one of his jokes

00:05:14other than his mother who cackles like a hyena the entire time.

00:05:19And he comes off stage and I overheard him say, like,

00:05:21I don't know what that crowd's problem was.

00:05:23Those jokes were awesome.

00:05:24My mom thought I did great.

00:05:27And I decided to do him a hard favor right then and there.

00:05:30I stabbed his mom right in her fucking neck.

00:05:34And while she bled out, I pulled him close.

00:05:36You're free, baby bird!

00:05:38Now you have a chance!

00:05:42No, but I probably should've.

00:05:44No, I did think that his mom, you know, probably ruined any chance

00:05:46he had at a career in comedy.

00:05:47And maybe I was right.

00:05:49He wasn't even doing stand-up two years later, you know,

00:05:51because he didn't work on his jokes.

00:05:52Why would he?

00:05:53Mom already told him that they were awesome.

00:05:55My mom didn't hurt my comedy career that way.

00:05:58She never gave me any fake compliments.

00:06:00I know exactly what my mom thinks about my act to this day.

00:06:03She doesn't care for it.

00:06:06Like, don't get me wrong, she loves me.

00:06:08She's happy that I can make a living at this.

00:06:09No part of her understands how I'm pulling that off.

00:06:15My comedy is not her style at all.

00:06:17She thinks it's too mean, too violent, too dark,

00:06:21you know, too dirty, too much profanity.

00:06:23And I love my mom.

00:06:25I love my mom.

00:06:25But my mom could suck my dick, you know what I mean?

00:06:32Figuratively.

00:06:35See how much she likes that joke.

00:06:38No, but I'm glad she didn't give me just a bunch of easy compliments.

00:06:41You know, because she made me work harder to prove her wrong.

00:06:43You know, my daughter Monroe right now, she's a pretty good artist.

00:06:47And I'd like to think that part of the reason she's become a pretty good artist

00:06:50is due to my criticism of a lot of her earlier work.

00:06:54Because when she was younger, you know, she had talent,

00:06:56but I was watching the rest of the family ruin it by just giving easy compliments.

00:06:59And she's a smart kid.

00:07:00She's always been really smart.

00:07:01She figured out at an early age she could spend two minutes on something,

00:07:04or two hours, and get the same compliments.

00:07:06So why work hard?

00:07:07Why put in that extra effort, you know?

00:07:09She could just scribble some nonsense, hand it to a family member,

00:07:12and just hear, what?

00:07:14You did this?

00:07:16On your own?

00:07:18Monroe, this could be in an art gallery.

00:07:21I'm looking at the same thing thinking,

00:07:22that's not gonna make the fridge.

00:07:26One time she handed me something so bad,

00:07:27I couldn't even tell what it was and she got mad at me.

00:07:29She's like, what do you think?

00:07:30I was like, I don't even,

00:07:32I don't even know what this is supposed to be.

00:07:34It's a dog.

00:07:39We have a dog right there.

00:07:43I want you to look at that dog,

00:07:44look at this,

00:07:45look at me,

00:07:46and say that again with a straight face.

00:07:49If that dog goes missing,

00:07:50guess what I'm not putting in charge of the posters.

00:07:54And that really pissed her off.

00:07:57But today she draws a pretty good goddamn dog.

00:08:00And I'd like to think that's related.

00:08:04Not some crazy disciplinarian though either.

00:08:06My son, Kyler, he's 13.

00:08:07He's only gotten one spanking during his entire childhood.

00:08:10And I didn't even want to give him that one.

00:08:12It was the weirdest spanking I've ever been a part of.

00:08:16And I've been a part of some pretty weird spankings.

00:08:21This was very different.

00:08:23He was just never the kid that needed a spanking.

00:08:25You know?

00:08:26Especially, he was seven when this happened

00:08:27and he was real, you know,

00:08:29kind of a people pleaser,

00:08:30you know, easy to redirect,

00:08:32firm voice, he would tear up.

00:08:33But this one day,

00:08:34I think he had seen his sister Monroe get a few spankings

00:08:36and I think he wanted the street cred of having had one.

00:08:40Like, he was gunning for it real specifically.

00:08:42It was weird.

00:08:43He was climbing on this door jam

00:08:44and I just wanted him to get off of the door jam

00:08:46right before he hurt himself.

00:08:47I was like, come on, buddy, let's get down.

00:08:48That's not what that's for.

00:08:49You're gonna hurt yourself.

00:08:50No.

00:08:52He was never the no kid.

00:08:53I'm like, what do you mean no?

00:08:54Dude, just get off before you hurt yourself.

00:08:57Or what?

00:08:57You gonna give me a spanking?

00:09:02I just remember thinking,

00:09:03that was weird for you to toss out.

00:09:06Like, I hadn't even considered a spanking

00:09:07as a punishment option up until that moment.

00:09:10But once he says that, I have to say yes,

00:09:12otherwise he's taking all my power.

00:09:14So I was like, yeah, okay.

00:09:16I guess I would give you a spanking.

00:09:18But I would rather not,

00:09:19so how about you just get off of the door jam?

00:09:22Not getting off the door jam until I get a spanking.

00:09:29The whole thing took on this tone of suicide by cop.

00:09:35He's trying to force my hand.

00:09:38I was like, dude, just get off the door jam,

00:09:40or I will give you a spanking.

00:09:41Last chance.

00:09:41He won't get off.

00:09:42So I have to physically remove him from the door jam,

00:09:44and he doesn't fight back near as much as I was hoping for.

00:09:48Just made the whole thing that much creepier.

00:09:51But I felt like I was pot committed.

00:09:52I put him over my knee.

00:09:53I gave him two swats.

00:09:55After the second swat, he turns, looks right at me,

00:09:57and goes, I think you're supposed to do it harder than that.

00:10:02And I've never spanked him since.

00:10:05I was like, get out of here, you little creep!

00:10:07Where are your room, you weirdo?

00:10:11Then I sat there on the couch thinking like,

00:10:12what was that all about?

00:10:16I was thinking, that would be a genius kid move.

00:10:18If you could convince your parents that you enjoyed punishment.

00:10:22I don't have the parental skills to navigate something like that.

00:10:27I'd be so irritated.

00:10:28You'd be like, hey, dude.

00:10:29Hey, pick your stuff up.

00:10:31Hey, buddy.

00:10:32I'm tired of you leaving messes around the house.

00:10:33All right?

00:10:33I'm not your maid.

00:10:34We talked about this.

00:10:35Pick your stuff up right now, or you're grounded for a week.

00:10:39Thanks, Dad.

00:10:39You know, I would like a staycation.

00:10:40I appreciate that.

00:10:43I could spend time with the family.

00:10:44I don't have to be rude to my friends.

00:10:45Thank you very much, Father.

00:10:46That's very nice.

00:10:46What?

00:10:47No, it's not a vacation of some kind.

00:10:50It's going to be a punishment.

00:10:51There's going to be no TV.

00:10:52No video games.

00:10:54No cell phone.

00:10:55You know, I haven't had the strength to unplug myself.

00:11:00That's a generous offer, Father.

00:11:02Stop calling it an offer!

00:11:05It's a punishment.

00:11:06You're going to be in bed the whole week.

00:11:07Does that sound fun?

00:11:08Honestly, I've been exhausted from the video games.

00:11:11Well, now you've got to move around the whole week.

00:11:13Always moving.

00:11:14Does that sound fun?

00:11:15I could just treat it like a workout challenge.

00:11:17I could do push-ups and squats.

00:11:18Maybe I could get strong enough to beat your ass by the end of the week.

00:11:22No, I will beat your ass at the end of the week.

00:11:25Ooh, hi, Poppy.

00:11:27Hit me like you love me, Daddy.

00:11:36I'll pick it up.

00:11:37Just stay away from me.

00:11:43Can't believe Kyler's 13.

00:11:44He's almost as tall as I am.

00:11:46He's becoming a man.

00:11:47It's freaking me out.

00:11:48We're having different kinds of conversations.

00:11:51We had a father-son boner talk a while back.

00:11:56I didn't bring it up.

00:12:00Let's make that very clear.

00:12:03That would be highly inappropriate if I just barged in his room one afternoon.

00:12:05What's up, son?

00:12:06Let's talk about hard dick.

00:12:07Father-son style.

00:12:08Woo!

00:12:12No, he brought it up.

00:12:13He had some new concerns.

00:12:15He started getting random erections.

00:12:16And he was kind of freaking himself out.

00:12:18And he was worried that he would get one in the middle of class.

00:12:21Other classmates would see.

00:12:22And they would just mock him relentlessly.

00:12:24And I'd completely forgotten about that time in your life.

00:12:27Where when you first start getting them, it is so weird.

00:12:29Because it's not tied to sexual thoughts.

00:12:31Like, they truly are just random.

00:12:33Like, you have no idea when they're gonna happen.

00:12:35You know, when they do happen, you have no idea how long they're gonna last.

00:12:38When they're gonna go away.

00:12:39You know, I remember I'd be sitting in class.

00:12:41I'd just freak myself out.

00:12:42You know, thinking of some non-sexual thought.

00:12:44Like, I wonder what my dog's up to right now.

00:12:48And then just be rock hard.

00:12:49Oh no.

00:12:52What does that mean?

00:12:55I wanna fuck my dog?

00:12:58I do love him very much.

00:13:04So I feel like I gave him pretty good advice.

00:13:05You know, I told him what I wish my dad would have told me.

00:13:07I was like, son, if you get a random erection, that's nothing to be ashamed of.

00:13:10In fact, that's a gift from God.

00:13:12Okay, you stand tall and proud.

00:13:15Do not be ashamed of that.

00:13:16Those kids start to tease you.

00:13:17You do not back down.

00:13:18You double down.

00:13:19You lean into it.

00:13:21Give them a little taste.

00:13:24They keep teasing you.

00:13:25You take it further.

00:13:26You drop those pants and you cock slap your way around that classroom.

00:13:28That's some alpha power shit.

00:13:31They will respect the steal.

00:13:34They will learn to fear it.

00:13:39I didn't say any of that.

00:13:40That's fucking crazy.

00:13:45Now we talked about tucking.

00:13:49I was like, do you even tuck, bro?

00:13:52You forget.

00:13:53Well, you don't know until someone's talking about it.

00:13:55No one had told him that the elastic waistband holding up his boxers served a secret dual purpose.

00:14:03It's not just for holding your boxers up.

00:14:04It's also for pinning your boners down.

00:14:07Tuck the tip under the strap.

00:14:09Submit it.

00:14:09Let it retreat at its own pace.

00:14:11Establish dominance.

00:14:13Turn those boxers into a boner holster.

00:14:21Puberty is such a weird time.

00:14:23We're probably gonna have so many more weird conversations.

00:14:26I was thinking about all the creepy things I did when I was going through puberty.

00:14:29It's a long list.

00:14:31I feel like I owe a lot of people apologies.

00:14:34I need to apologize to my family for a lot of the mysterious stains around the house.

00:14:40I need to track down and personally apologize to anybody who stayed in the guest room from 93 to 95.

00:14:46Turns out those pillows were not clean.

00:14:49They were just firm enough, you know?

00:14:54Yeah, I was a dirtbag. I was a filthy animal.

00:14:57I was thinking like, what was the creepiest thing I did when I was going through puberty?

00:15:00And it's pretty insane.

00:15:02For those of you who haven't heard about this story, it's gonna feel like I'm making this up.

00:15:05It's very over the top.

00:15:06I don't know why I would make this up.

00:15:08It does not make me look good.

00:15:10It did happen.

00:15:11When I was 16 years old, I got paid to fuck a banana peel.

00:15:22Now, when I phrase it that way, I do make it sound creeper than it actually was.

00:15:26It's not like there was an old man hiding out behind the high school gymnasium.

00:15:31I was standing in between a stack of produce and a stack of 20s going, I want to see a

00:15:33show, boy.

00:15:36They call me Chiquita Charlie.

00:15:39These nanos ain't gonna fuck themselves.

00:15:43No, it wasn't quite that bad, but it was close.

00:15:46It did happen and technically I did get paid because I was on the clock when it went down.

00:15:51I was working at a grocery store and I was working with a woman named Rhonda, this lady named Rhonda.

00:15:56And it was, I had a crush on Rhonda, which is uncomfortable for a variety of reasons.

00:16:01The morning it happened, Rhonda and I were working the produce.

00:16:03I was supposed to be stocking it.

00:16:04And I guess I was.

00:16:05If you really can't think about it.

00:16:07That joke coming in hot.

00:16:11No, but I had a crush on Rhonda, which is uncomfortable because she was a co-worker.

00:16:16She was also my mom's age and also one of my mom's good friends.

00:16:19She also had the largest, nicest breasts I'd ever spent a lot of time in close proximity to at that

00:16:23point in my life.

00:16:25I was mostly in love with Rhonda's D-cup fantastical breasts.

00:16:29And she'd wear Cleavers revealing shirts behind her produce smock.

00:16:31And sometimes when she was working the fruit, she'd be kind of dangling those D-cups out there.

00:16:35And I would end up zoning out on those hot ta-tas.

00:16:38And then she would catch me and I'd get embarrassed because it's uncomfortable.

00:16:40You know, it's inappropriate.

00:16:41Like, oh God, I just kind of look somewhere else.

00:16:43And then the morning this happened, we're working the fruit, working on the bananas specifically.

00:16:47And it was a lot of back and forth.

00:16:48I'd zone out.

00:16:49Oh God, bananas.

00:16:51So it's like boobs, bananas, boobs, bananas.

00:16:54And I got super horny.

00:16:56And I got one of those erections you can only get when you're going through puberty.

00:16:59It requires a superhuman level of hormones.

00:17:02Literally a throbbing erection where you can see the pulse in the vein of the dick.

00:17:08Any doctor worth half a shit could have taken my heart rate visually.

00:17:14Which is not how you're supposed to do it, by the way.

00:17:17That's how your doctor's doing it.

00:17:19You need to shop around.

00:17:21That's a class action suit waiting to happen.

00:17:26I had one of the weirdest thoughts I've ever had in my life.

00:17:29I was looking at one of these bananas and it just kind of occurred to me.

00:17:31The banana is one of the penises of the fruit world.

00:17:35Roughly the same size and shape.

00:17:36And then I thought, well, if the fruit is the penis, that would make the peel by default the vagina.

00:17:42Giving the fruit a tight, warm place of refuge.

00:17:46You have to admit there's some logic!

00:17:55And I just thought, what if I opened up one end of that nana, gently massaged the fruit out.

00:18:01Gently massaged my wean in.

00:18:04That might not be entirely unpleasant.

00:18:08Now I do realize that a lot of people would have stopped there.

00:18:11Or way before there.

00:18:15But I'm more curious than that.

00:18:16And I decided to take one of those bananas into the break room bathroom and perform a little experiment.

00:18:20Technically I stole it because I wasn't going to pay for it in that situation.

00:18:24That's a sketchy morning midship purchase, one nana.

00:18:28Paid for by a sweaty, shifty-eyed teenager.

00:18:34So I took that banana into the bathroom, I locked the door and I went to work.

00:18:37I'm not going to say it felt great because it didn't.

00:18:38It was probably too green, it was a little bit rough.

00:18:41But it didn't feel terrible because I did finish.

00:18:45And that's when the shame hit me.

00:18:46That's when it became real.

00:18:47I was the most ashamed I'd ever been of myself.

00:18:49Because up until that point, it was a series of weird thoughts and actions.

00:18:52And then suddenly, once I finished, I was like,

00:18:54Oh, you're a fruit fucker now.

00:18:57It's who you are forever.

00:19:01And then I kind of panicked because I had five, six hours left to work.

00:19:04I had a long shift ahead of me.

00:19:05And I got really nervous about the most ridiculous thing.

00:19:07I was actually worried for the rest of that shift

00:19:10that someone would smell nana on my person.

00:19:13And somehow figure out what I'd done in that bathroom.

00:19:16What maniac makes that leap?

00:19:20What super creepy grocery store manager would accuse a 16-year-old boy of that

00:19:24even if they did think it was true?

00:19:27Hey Cummins, when you're done over there,

00:19:29I need you to go to aisle seven and face the cereal boxes.

00:19:32And when you're done with the cereal there...

00:19:34When you're done with the cereal boxes...

00:19:41Okay.

00:19:44Okay, all right.

00:19:45I see what's going on here.

00:19:48I was hoping this wasn't true.

00:19:49But you know, this morning I noticed that one banana went missing from the produce section.

00:19:53I do a nano check every morning at 10 a.m. sharp.

00:19:56A few minutes later, I went to the bathroom and I found the peel, son.

00:19:59I found the badly beaten peel.

00:20:02And I put two and two together and look, Lord knows I'm no detective.

00:20:05I'm just a lowly middle-aged grocery store manager.

00:20:07But I'm also no fool.

00:20:09And I know a nano fucker when I see one.

00:20:14You want to end up like Chiquita Charlie? Is that what you want?

00:20:19Whether you liked that bit or hated it, you will remember it.

00:20:26Good luck explaining to other shoppers why you're snickered at the grocery store.

00:20:31What's so funny about those bananas?

00:20:32Let's see, this guy, he put his dick in front of...

00:20:38I'm gonna take off.

00:20:40Forever.

00:20:43You guys care if I take a break from making fun of myself and my family

00:20:46and just make fun of strangers for a while?

00:20:49Okay, good, good.

00:20:51I feel like you gotta ask now, it's 2019, society's gotten very sensitive.

00:20:55A lot of thin skin out there.

00:20:57You know, God forbid somebody come to a comedy show and get their feelings hurt.

00:21:00You know, get offended or get triggered or suffer some other problem that we made up.

00:21:06You know who never used to get triggered?

00:21:08Anyone alive prior to the 20th century.

00:21:12It's a recent adventure.

00:21:16People, you know, they didn't worry about words as much in the past

00:21:18because they had bigger problems, to be totally honest.

00:21:20You know, they were worried about keeping their 15 dirty kids fed

00:21:23and not dying before 40.

00:21:26They didn't focus too much on words.

00:21:28You know, it just feels like they were so much tougher.

00:21:30It feels like we've become so fragile as a species.

00:21:33It feels like everyone's anxious or depressed.

00:21:35And I know some of that's real.

00:21:37I know clinical depression is real.

00:21:38Fripling anxiety is real.

00:21:40But you know what else is real?

00:21:42Choosing to be a self-indulgent, whiny fuck.

00:21:45That's real.

00:21:46What a sad choice.

00:21:49What a terrible way to go through life.

00:21:53I feel like there's more of those people alive right now than ever.

00:21:56You know?

00:21:57Because those people used to just die.

00:22:01Life got too hard for them when they just died, you know?

00:22:04You don't read about a lot of those people in the past.

00:22:06You don't read a lot of historical journals or diary entries saying stuff like,

00:22:09September 4th, 1812.

00:22:12Margaret is furious with me for not helping with the wheat harvest.

00:22:16I explained that I would love to, but my anxiety is through the roof.

00:22:21And the wheat provides me no satisfaction anyhow due to my gluten sensitivity.

00:22:29No.

00:22:32Somebody will be outraged by that joke.

00:22:36They want me to stop telling it.

00:22:38That's a new thing now that's just started to happen in the last, you know, couple years.

00:22:41I get being offended by a joke, right?

00:22:43I get being offended.

00:22:44That makes sense.

00:22:45But now when somebody's offended,

00:22:46they want to take the thing they don't like personally away from everybody else.

00:22:50What a weird mentality.

00:22:51Instead of just being a grown up and moving on and finding something that they do like.

00:22:54You know, I've had a-

00:22:55But like a month ago.

00:22:56Yeah, a month ago this lady came up after the show and she's like,

00:22:58You need to get rid of it.

00:22:59Get rid of that.

00:23:00No.

00:23:01You need to get rid of that joke.

00:23:02Oh, the one you just heard about 300 other people laugh at?

00:23:06You narcissistic fuck.

00:23:08That didn't matter at all?

00:23:11What is happening to that?

00:23:13How about I get rid of this relationship?

00:23:17It's ridiculous.

00:23:19You know, you start taking away things we can laugh at,

00:23:21we just have more shit to be sad about.

00:23:22Is that the world people want to live in?

00:23:23Just cry and have everything be serious?

00:23:26Yeah, it's crazy.

00:23:27You know, laughter is healthy.

00:23:28I feel like I'm going to live an extra two or three years.

00:23:31Thanks to all the laughs I've had at other people's expenses.

00:23:36I feel like more laughter equals less murder.

00:23:40I don't have any stats to back that up, but it feels true.

00:23:43I feel like you can, you know, continue to let me rant about idiots

00:23:45so I can start circling names on a people to kill list.

00:23:49Jokes or stabs, what do you want?

00:23:51I'm going to get rid of this tension one way or another.

00:23:54I hope I can always mock things.

00:23:56Right now I like to mock idiots online, the idiots of the internet.

00:24:01Yes.

00:24:04I know I can't change the way they think, but at least I can make fun of the way they

00:24:07think.

00:24:08You know, blow off a little steam.

00:24:09It's frustrating what people post, what gets liked and shared.

00:24:12It's kind of scary.

00:24:13You know, you shouldn't vaccinate your kids

00:24:14because that's how kids get autism, so no one should vaccinate their kids.

00:24:18Hey, remember before posting that, that one time you went to medical school?

00:24:22Nope.

00:24:24You know who's not sharing and liking that?

00:24:27Doctors.

00:24:29You know, for the Time Slug podcast, when I was doing research for that anti-vaccination episode,

00:24:33I talked to a lot of doctors and it's just crazy to me that there's no legitimate link at all

00:24:38between vaccinations and autism.

00:24:40But there's a very, very strong link between getting rid of vaccinations and having lethal diseases

00:24:45we already beat.

00:24:47Come back and kill us all over again.

00:24:50We will literally die because of ignorance.

00:24:54It's insane.

00:24:56I wonder what the anti-vaxxers are going to post then.

00:24:58You know, have you seen my non-autistic kid?

00:25:00He's the little guy in the corner with the leg braces and the measles scars all over his face.

00:25:06Sure glad I stopped listening to doctors.

00:25:13If any part of that joke upset you, I want you to read more after the show.

00:25:21Flat earthers, I hope I can always make fun of that.

00:25:23That's nonsense.

00:25:26So preposterous.

00:25:28To be that anti-science and just logic and common sense.

00:25:31It's crazy that we live in a world now where there are people being convinced by conspiracy theorists

00:25:36while listening to them on satellite radio that the earth is flat.

00:25:42An almost unfathomable level of irony.

00:25:48They call it a flat earth debate to make it sound more intellectual.

00:25:51Alright, there's two sides to the flat earth debate.

00:25:53And if you're a flat earther right now you're thinking,

00:25:55exactly.

00:25:58There's only two sides, you smug son of a bitch.

00:26:03There's the round side and the flat side.

00:26:06This is how insane this argument is.

00:26:08On the round side of this debate, is every scientist alive?

00:26:13Not most.

00:26:14All of them.

00:26:19Every legitimate scientist, every astronomy and physics professor,

00:26:22every pilot who makes it to their destination consistently.

00:26:26People who understand if you flew in the same direction long enough,

00:26:29you'd make it back around to where you began your journey.

00:26:32as opposed to the very different flat earth outcome which has never happened

00:26:36of just drifting off into the void.

00:26:39Soaring over a mythical ice wall that keeps our oceans from pouring into the abyss

00:26:43and quenching the thirst of the kraken.

00:26:47It's medieval.

00:26:49On the other side of this argument, on the flat earth side of this argument,

00:26:52is Tila tequila.

00:26:55That sums it up.

00:26:58A lot of people still very worried about the devil.

00:27:00That bothers me.

00:27:03We're on the cusp of colonizing Mars.

00:27:05We're about to have 3D printers kick out usable biological organs.

00:27:08We'd have even more cool medical and tech if more people focused on that

00:27:12and worried less about,

00:27:14what's the devil up to though?

00:27:18Where's the devil right now?

00:27:21And I get believing in like a good or an evil deity.

00:27:24I get believing in like a vague notion of like a good god or an evil god,

00:27:27but some people take it too far.

00:27:29And they add a lot of unnecessary stress to their lives.

00:27:32Worrying that the evil deity is interfering on earth in ways that can be easily and quickly disproven.

00:27:39Watch a lot of weird videos.

00:27:42And I know that a lot of people are worried right now that Katy Perry the pop star is famous

00:27:47because she sold her soul to Satan.

00:27:49They really believe this.

00:27:50A lot of videos.

00:27:52Get a lot of views.

00:27:52A lot of comments underneath them.

00:27:54Stuff like,

00:27:54Enjoy your fame and fortune, whore of Babylon.

00:27:59There's no way that's true.

00:28:01There's no way that the devil is out there giving you whatever you want if you just give the devil

00:28:06your soul.

00:28:06Because if that was true, there would be a lot less homeless people.

00:28:12Like you mean to tell me that some dude sleeping in a piss-filled alley,

00:28:16eating out of a dumpster, literally sucking dick for meth,

00:28:21isn't quite ready to make that deal.

00:28:27That guy would sell his soul for a chalupa.

00:28:32But you think in some magical scenario where the devil is just going to fix all his problems,

00:28:37he's going to turn it down.

00:28:37Where the devil says,

00:28:38Give me your soul.

00:28:39I'll make it all go away.

00:28:41Fame and fortune are yours.

00:28:42Just give me that sweet, sweet soul.

00:28:46Hey, get out of here, devil!

00:28:49How dare you?

00:28:54Sure I'm going through a rough patch.

00:28:57I'll finish you in a second.

00:28:58You hold your horses.

00:28:59Hey.

00:29:01My teeth may be dirty, but my soul is clean.

00:29:13I'm glad a lot of you seem to enjoy that.

00:29:15I'm sure for a few of you, the show just ended.

00:29:19You may remain here physically, but in your head,

00:29:21oh, you're done right now.

00:29:24He needs to take that joke out of his act.

00:29:30Who does it from the side anyway?

00:29:38I'm just fascinated with what, you know, people choose to believe in,

00:29:41to worry about how they kind of just add to their problems in weird ways.

00:29:45You know, like what problems they invent.

00:29:46The weirdest one to me, I've been talking about it a few years,

00:29:49and it's a growing movement, is the lizard Illuminati.

00:29:54I know I joke around about it a lot, but it is crazy when you really think about it.

00:29:58There are adults out there, stressed out,

00:30:01because they're worried about reptilians from space,

00:30:04who live in tunnels beneath us,

00:30:06who mate with our political leaders and create these weird bloodlines,

00:30:11who control our thoughts from the moon matrix.

00:30:13Like, there's somebody in a cubicle right now going,

00:30:14God damn, lizards!

00:30:18I'm sick of that!

00:30:21When I first found out about it, I thought it was a joke.

00:30:23And when I watched the videos, I was laughing.

00:30:25And then I read the comments underneath, and I thought it would just be comment after comment

00:30:28of stuff like, get the fuck out of ya, it's crazy!

00:30:30No, comment after comment of like, thank you for being brave enough to speak the truth.

00:30:36Hashtag woke as fuck.

00:30:38What? That's a real belief.

00:30:41That's what amazes me about the internet.

00:30:42No matter how crazy the video is, there are believers in the comments section,

00:30:47no matter how extreme.

00:30:48You know, just some guy ran, just like, I'm sick of the rock childs,

00:30:51taking their blood, pedophile money, and using it for their Agenda 21 extermination program.

00:30:56Okay?

00:30:56It's Bohemian Grove.

00:30:57They meet about it every year.

00:30:58They have the rituals.

00:30:59It's on tape.

00:31:00Okay, listen.

00:31:00The Bilderbergers.

00:31:01Just look at it.

00:31:02The pizzas are there.

00:31:03Wake up, sheeple.

00:31:04It's the Freemasons.

00:31:05Working with the Knights Templar.

00:31:07Priory of Scion.

00:31:08Connect the dots.

00:31:09Okay?

00:31:09Mona Lisa.

00:31:10Do the math.

00:31:11The Greys.

00:31:12Area 51.

00:31:13They coordinate everything.

00:31:15All roads lead to the Denver airport!

00:31:24We don't have to worry about lizard people.

00:31:26We do have to worry about people who worry about lizard people.

00:31:30They're not kidding.

00:31:31You know, they're raising kids and they're voting.

00:31:34That's terrifying.

00:31:38Sometimes ignorance is scary.

00:31:40Sometimes it's just irritating.

00:31:41You know, people doing little things throughout the day

00:31:43that I feel like if they would just think about what they were doing,

00:31:45they would stop needlessly stressing the rest of us out with their actions.

00:31:49Here's one of many examples I could use.

00:31:52Getting out of an elevator should never be stressful.

00:31:55It should always be carefree and easy.

00:31:58But it's not, because for reasons I will never understand,

00:32:02there's a sizable percentage of the population

00:32:04that doesn't want to think about how it's much easier

00:32:06to get in to a small, confined space

00:32:10if you first let others out.

00:32:13Just wait two seconds.

00:32:14That's all.

00:32:19I would think, like, why are you barging in immediately?

00:32:21You can't be right here if I'm already right here.

00:32:24That's not how space works, my friend.

00:32:27I feel like the person who does that is also the person

00:32:29who has merging onto the freeway confused.

00:32:33With setting their cruise control to about 70 on the on-ramp,

00:32:37never looking left and hoping shit works out.

00:32:43If only I could adjust the speed of my death machine.

00:32:50I feel like we get a lot of needless stress from stupid questions.

00:32:54I don't like the phrase, there's no such thing as a stupid question.

00:32:57There are so many. There's so many.

00:33:00Most questions are asked, I feel like, just out of laziness,

00:33:03as opposed to curiosity.

00:33:04Someone doesn't want to take a minute to figure something out,

00:33:06so they outsource all the work to you.

00:33:09Right?

00:33:09I get annoyed immediately by questions about directions right now.

00:33:12Those are my least favorite, about how to get somewhere.

00:33:14Just, hey, hey, do you know how to get to a Target?

00:33:17I sure do.

00:33:19You know what's crazy?

00:33:21I don't even live here.

00:33:24But I also have a phone.

00:33:26And I took one minute of my life to figure out how to use the Map app.

00:33:31It's pretty complicated.

00:33:32First, you gotta open up the app called Map.

00:33:36I still have relatives to this day.

00:33:38They have to call before they come over.

00:33:40Hey, what exit do we take to get to your...

00:33:41No, we're done with that.

00:33:44I'm gonna text you my address one last time.

00:33:46It's gonna show up in your phone in the form of a link,

00:33:49which I've been describing continuously since 2006.

00:33:54Like, I keep trying to tell you, all you have to do is push the link.

00:33:58Just try it.

00:33:58Just push it one time, a magical map will open up.

00:34:01That will voice navigate you from anywhere you happen to be on Earth to here.

00:34:06If you somehow get lost, it will continuously reroute your ignorant ass.

00:34:17Just give it a shot.

00:34:19Just push the link.

00:34:20You can finger it.

00:34:20That's traditional.

00:34:21Use your finger.

00:34:22Uh, you could thumb it unorthodox, but should be effective.

00:34:26Hypothetically, you could slap your dick on it.

00:34:29Skin screen pressure equals map.

00:34:32Even if you don't have a dick, you could clit it.

00:34:34Whatever tissue you choose.

00:34:36Put your ladyween on that screen.

00:34:41I do that whole joke just so I can say ladyween at the end.

00:34:51I wanna get that term out there.

00:34:53Ladyween and it's acceptable alternate ladyweenness.

00:34:56And I do that, and I do that as a public service.

00:35:00Because I wanna improve people's sex lives.

00:35:02Okay?

00:35:02So anybody here, if you're looking to, you know, make a lady happy in the bedroom, and you wanna take

00:35:06things to the next level, I want you to try sneaking that word in.

00:35:11And don't, don't talk about it beforehand.

00:35:12Women like to be surprised.

00:35:16I find it sexiest to whisper it.

00:35:19Right?

00:35:19Just, just whisper something super hot out of nowhere.

00:35:22Mid-sex.

00:35:23Just lean and be like, I can stroke your ladyween if you want.

00:35:29Do that if you want all the moisture to leave the room immediately.

00:35:32Like a magic trick.

00:35:34Just...

00:35:37Such, such a creepy term.

00:35:41I bet if you all just started yelling that in the neighborhood after the show, you could drop the overall

00:35:44humidity of this area five, ten percent.

00:35:49If it was quiet enough, and you listen real hard, you could probably hear a vagina shut.

00:35:54No!

00:35:58Some instinctual self-defense.

00:36:07Make fun of everybody else, I should probably make fun of myself a little more.

00:36:11You know, I do, I do plenty of dumb things.

00:36:13Sometimes I do things so dumb where it makes me question my overall intellectual abilities.

00:36:17Like, I'm the only person I know that has smashed their face really hard.

00:36:20Not once, but twice on a bakery display case.

00:36:25I feel like I'm missing the part of the brain that processes the curve of glass.

00:36:29Geometry was really hard for me.

00:36:30And I feel like I can't figure out where my face would intersect during the curve.

00:36:36Two different times.

00:36:37I went in for a quick, closer look at a muffin.

00:36:40Walked out of the coffee shop.

00:36:41Two seconds later, no muffin, slight nosebleed.

00:36:47I'm also the only person I know, I broke off one of my front teeth.

00:36:50One of my front teeth is half fake.

00:36:52Because I thought it would be hilarious to scare a fish in a fish bowl.

00:36:57I was 35 years old.

00:37:04And completely sober.

00:37:07In just a moment of spontaneity, I thought it would be hilarious to just be like, ah!

00:37:11And I didn't account for how far the bowl curved out.

00:37:14And I made it about halfway, I go, ah, chink!

00:37:16And I just shot my tooth.

00:37:18I don't even think I scared the fish.

00:37:21They look exactly the same.

00:37:24Everybody does dumb things.

00:37:27Best you can try and do is do less of them going forward.

00:37:30Right?

00:37:31That's all you can do.

00:37:32Just try and get a little better.

00:37:33Try and improve in some way.

00:37:34Right now, I'm working on trying to improve my grammar abilities.

00:37:37Because I know that a lot of people, you know, won't take what you write seriously if your grammar is

00:37:41poor.

00:37:41Which I get, that's fair.

00:37:43Lately, I've been trying to figure out how to use a semicolon for about the past 30 years.

00:37:50It's important to me, you know, because it's the pinnacle of grammar.

00:37:54To me, you know, it's like, that's the very top.

00:37:56And when I see somebody whipping around a semicolon like they know what they're doing, I trust them more.

00:37:59I respect them.

00:38:01Look at you, Professor Wizard.

00:38:04When I used to get confused, I would Google, how do I use a semicolon?

00:38:08And then read the definition and somehow get even more confused.

00:38:12I did it so many times, I've had it memorized for several years.

00:38:15And it still doesn't help.

00:38:16Like, I can say it, but it doesn't mean anything.

00:38:18I can say the words, but they don't connect to an idea inside my head.

00:38:21How to join two ideas of equal value.

00:38:26Okay?

00:38:29Like, what does that actually mean?

00:38:31How are you supposed to figure out how much, you know, value some random subjective idea has?

00:38:36And then how do you know when that lines up equally to some other random idea?

00:38:41Nacho cheese Doritos are delicious.

00:38:44Semicolon.

00:38:46Wish I knew karate, period.

00:38:51That's gotta be close.

00:38:55I'm also not a very good speller.

00:38:57I'm actually a very poor speller.

00:38:59I know that based on the sheer volume of little red shame lines that pop up on every document.

00:39:05Hard to keep telling yourself you're kicking ass intellectually when it feels like every other sentence.

00:39:09Your computer's like...

00:39:10Nah.

00:39:12Nah, that's not a word, my friend.

00:39:15Ah, that's cute.

00:39:16There's a lot of words out there.

00:39:19That's none of them.

00:39:22And then you know that you're really bad at spelling when it feels like the majority of the time you

00:39:25click on the line.

00:39:26And in theory, you should be offered options of other words you were trying to spell.

00:39:30You are apparently so borderline illiterate

00:39:34that this advanced operating system can't think of one other word in all of language.

00:39:40And just throws its hand, just no guesses found, we don't know.

00:39:44Why don't you hand this to a grown-up before you break it?

00:39:50But I keep trying.

00:39:53You know, because if you don't try and get better, what's the other option?

00:39:55You just get worse.

00:39:57Because I don't think you get to stay the same in life.

00:39:59I feel like you either improve or you start to slide down.

00:40:02And I feel like I see too many people in public who seem to have made a pretty strong choice

00:40:07for worse.

00:40:09People with, quote, no fucks to give, a.k.a. assholes.

00:40:14They don't care how their terrible behavior affects other people.

00:40:18Like the latest example of a trend I see that to me is so selfish,

00:40:21I just don't understand how someone could casually do it to think it's okay,

00:40:25having a loud public conversation on their speakerphone.

00:40:28Why are you forcing both sides of a conversation on everyone in a 50-foot radius?

00:40:33To me, it's a terrible choice.

00:40:40And it bugs me because it is a choice.

00:40:42Every time I've seen it, it's been a choice because the person has been holding the phone in their hand.

00:40:46Right? And if your hand is attached to a standard issue arm,

00:40:52that means you could take your phone from here or here or here to right here and not be a

00:40:57dick fuck.

00:41:05This should only be acceptable to do it out here if you have a small wonky arm that can't reach

00:41:08your ear.

00:41:11Okay, a lot of pushback on that one.

00:41:15All right?

00:41:17Right there. That's how society has become a little too sensitive in some ways.

00:41:22If you didn't like that last part, I bet I know why.

00:41:23You're thinking some version of, Jesus Christ, there could be someone here.

00:41:29With a small wonky arm.

00:41:32Yeah, they could be here.

00:41:33They could also have a sense of humor like other human beings.

00:41:36Right? Why do we decide what other people can laugh at?

00:41:39What they can handle?

00:41:44Do you ever think about how weird that is that we make these judgment calls about what other people can

00:41:47handle, you know, in certain situations?

00:41:49Like I was friends in college, good friends with a paraplegic guy named Brian.

00:41:52And I got to see this firsthand where people would try to be nice, you know,

00:41:57and they didn't want to say something that would offend him, but it would end up hurting his feelings because

00:42:00he just wanted his balls busted like everybody else.

00:42:03He wanted to be treated exactly like everybody else, but people would act weird around him and they would confuse

00:42:07his brains with his legs.

00:42:08Right? His legs didn't work. His brain was fucking awesome.

00:42:11He knew what they were doing every single time.

00:42:13Just weird stuff like, hey man, it's good to see you.

00:42:15I'm going to go for a run. I'm going to go do some stuff.

00:42:20Dude, he can handle the word run.

00:42:23He's going to be, have fun on your run!

00:42:26What are you running to? Show off a trampoline park? Must be nice!

00:42:33No.

00:42:36It's crazy. It feels like right now there's so much worry over what we can laugh at, what we can

00:42:40say.

00:42:41I feel like there's so much stress in society right now.

00:42:43Everybody's tense, worried about the outraged police taking their lives apart.

00:42:47You know, if they say the wrong thing, which is stressful because the wrong thing is always changing.

00:42:51You know, somebody, somebody tweets or posts something and then 10 years later they lose their job.

00:42:55What if, what if we just, I don't know, what if we just fucking knock that shit off?

00:42:59What if we just, what if we decided that we can talk things out?

00:43:02We can make mistakes, we can say the wrong thing, we can be forgiven, we can grow and evolve.

00:43:07You know, we can stop, you know, dividing ourselves into little groups along political or racial lines and fucking snipe

00:43:12each other from the shadows and just grow as one group of meat sacks and just kind of progress as

00:43:16a human species.

00:43:17That's a choice we could make, you know, if we wanted to.

00:43:20That's the world I'd like to live in.

00:43:21I feel like white people are the most tense right now.

00:43:24I don't have any proof, maybe because I'm white, you know, I sense that.

00:43:26But I've, I've only seen white people do this though.

00:43:29I'd be so, you know, nervous about being perceived as racist that they refuse to use race or color as

00:43:35descriptive terms when trying to describe someone even when it is the most painfully fucking obvious way to do so.

00:43:43It's so uncomfortable, everybody knows the game that's being played every time, right?

00:43:48Like they're afraid if they say the word black that's somehow racist.

00:43:50It's not inherently racist, that's ridiculous, right?

00:43:52Maybe watch your tone, don't be like, that's racist.

00:43:55That's conveying negative emotion.

00:43:58But if you're saying it in a descriptive sense, there's some people, there could be a room of 300 albinos

00:44:02and also one black man.

00:44:05And they're trying to point him out to you, but they refuse to say the word black and it is

00:44:09painfully uncomfortable, right?

00:44:11It's such a weird little game, just, where's your friend?

00:44:14Ha ha.

00:44:19He has a hat on.

00:44:22Dude, save us the time.

00:44:23Just say the word black.

00:44:24Okay in that situation.

00:44:26Not okay if he's right next to you.

00:44:27That's weird if you're like, this is my black friend, John.

00:44:28Fucking easy.

00:44:30Tone it down, Ku Klux Clown.

00:44:34He's a friend, not a trophy.

00:44:35What are you doing?

00:44:39I feel like so many people don't know when they can say something and what they can say.

00:44:43I wish people worried more about how loud they said things.

00:44:48I feel like volume is a real problem in this country.

00:44:51I don't like to go to the movie theater anymore, because too many people have made it to the age

00:44:54of adulthood.

00:44:55Actually, I could just stop right there.

00:44:59That's one thought.

00:45:00Let's put a period there.

00:45:02Maybe a semicolon.

00:45:06But also, too many people have made it to the age of adulthood without mastering the art of whispering.

00:45:11How is that possible?

00:45:12How did no one ever teach them how to speak in a soft, wispy, creepy voice?

00:45:16The signals of the person closest to them, this is a message for that person alone.

00:45:21I have something I want to talk to you about.

00:45:24But I don't want everyone to hear.

00:45:27That's why I'm using this voice.

00:45:30If you'll recall, this is not my normal voice.

00:45:35Some people's version of that is,

00:45:37I gotta talk to you about something personal.

00:45:39What, do you have an inner ear infection?

00:45:40What the fuck's going on with you?

00:45:43Did you blow both eardrums on the way to this movie?

00:45:46What are those odds?

00:45:48I wish you had to pass a whisper test before you were allowed into the movie theater.

00:45:52How great would that be, right?

00:45:54If the usher was like,

00:45:55Hey, hold up!

00:45:55Hold up!

00:45:56I'm gonna tell you what theater your movie's in.

00:45:59Right after you,

00:46:01quietly tell me,

00:46:02a secret.

00:46:07All right. All right. I'll play your game.

00:46:09You want a secret?

00:46:11Oh, okay. All right.

00:46:13Come here.

00:46:15There is something going on

00:46:18on the big toe toenail of my left foot.

00:46:23There's a dark mass

00:46:26in the center of the toenail.

00:46:29Now, when I first saw it,

00:46:31I thought I must have just smashed my toe.

00:46:33And then somehow forgot I had ever done that.

00:46:37And I assumed that it would grow out in time.

00:46:46No, sir.

00:46:49I've been clipping that bad boy for at least three years.

00:46:53And it is still in the center of the toenail.

00:46:57And darker than when I first saw it.

00:47:01My wife, Lindsay, thinks it's a fungal situation.

00:47:05And she has encouraged me to get medical attention.

00:47:08And I do want that.

00:47:10I just...

00:47:11I've become very anxious about the possibility

00:47:13of the doctor and the nurse looking at my toe.

00:47:17Stepping out and having quite a giggle at my expense.

00:47:20So I just...

00:47:21I keep pushing it off and it just keeps getting worse.

00:47:26I...

00:47:28I...

00:47:28I have trapped myself in a prison of shame.

00:47:32I'm feeling...

00:47:32I don't even know...

00:47:34It's theater number six!

00:47:35Get away from me!

00:47:43Enjoy your movie and for the love of God, keep your shoes on.

00:47:49If you thought that sounded very specific and real,

00:47:51you're correct.

00:47:54I know it's gross.

00:47:55I'm not proud of it.

00:47:56But I'm working through some stuff.

00:47:59People don't care about how their behavior affects others in public.

00:48:04They've ruined shopping for me.

00:48:06I don't like to shop in stores.

00:48:07I like to shop online.

00:48:08Mostly because of one personality type.

00:48:10It's the person who takes way too long to pay for their stuff

00:48:13when they make it to the cash register,

00:48:15even when there's a long line of people waiting behind them.

00:48:19Right?

00:48:19Why are you asking a lot of questions right now?

00:48:20If you've got some questions, you go to the customer service department.

00:48:23That's a different part of the store.

00:48:25You are currently in the get the fuck out of here department.

00:48:28You're in the, yeah, yeah, yeah, go on, get department.

00:48:31That's the department you're in.

00:48:35And I think some people do it on purpose.

00:48:37That's what makes me more angry.

00:48:38I think it's a weird power trip.

00:48:40I think some people, they stand up there and intentionally take a long time.

00:48:43They enjoy knowing that other lives don't get to continue until they decide.

00:48:51Oh, I like this.

00:48:55I know you got a lot of stuff to do today, but I don't.

00:49:00Mother may not listen to me, but they will.

00:49:08My sample's so loud.

00:49:12When I'm one of the people waiting in line behind that person,

00:49:14I like to run a little fantasy through my head to make the weight a little more bearable.

00:49:17It's very violent, but it is just a fantasy that I don't want to actually carry out.

00:49:22I just like to imagine the person literally dropping dead in front of the register.

00:49:27They die.

00:49:27And then during the confusion surrounding their sudden death,

00:49:29I quickly step on their body and officially proceed with my transaction.

00:49:34To show that that was a choice that they could have made.

00:49:38And then the cashier becomes alarmed, says something like,

00:49:40Would you get off the body?

00:49:41But I don't. I don't.

00:49:43Because I've been thinking about this for a long time and I want to say some cool shit at the

00:49:45end.

00:49:46I'll just look him right in the eye and be like,

00:49:47I will not.

00:49:48He wasted my time in life.

00:49:51And he will not waste it in death.

00:49:54And then everyone breaks out into song.

00:49:55For he's a jolly good fellow.

00:49:57For he's a jolly good fellow.

00:49:59They took too long to pay for their stuff.

00:50:00We're all happy they're dead.

00:50:03Something like that.

00:50:04Something in there.

00:50:05It's a rough draft, the song part.

00:50:11The person I've seen in public who seems to have hit rock bottom,

00:50:13as far as not caring how their behavior affects others,

00:50:16what they do is not just, you know, rude.

00:50:18It's dangerous.

00:50:19It's not safe.

00:50:20I haven't seen it a lot, but I have seen it, you know, a few times.

00:50:24I've watched a stranger, you know, an adult, in public, openly pick their butthole.

00:50:31And that's the word I wanted to use.

00:50:33Not butt or crack.

00:50:34It's deeper than that.

00:50:36Sure, technically there's a thin layer of fabric separating digit and anus,

00:50:39but make no mistake, they are in there.

00:50:43One, maybe two fingers, half a knuckle deep easy.

00:50:46Just rooting around like a hog looking for some truffles, casual.

00:50:50You can make direct eye contact and try to shame them, be like,

00:50:54no.

00:50:56They don't even care.

00:50:57They just get back this energy like,

00:50:58well, it feels good to me.

00:51:01But I like it.

00:51:05What should I do next?

00:51:08Try shake some hands.

00:51:11Semicolon, man, I'm sick of pink eye, period.

00:51:17Okay, good.

00:51:24Now I've got it figured out.

00:51:25Okay, good.

00:51:28A little worried about our future.

00:51:30Oh, my kids are younger.

00:51:31I used to volunteer in their classrooms.

00:51:32I would definitely get bothered about some of the things I would see.

00:51:35I've got to say, I feel bad for teachers right now.

00:51:37Any teachers here tonight, thank you for what you do.

00:51:39Yeah, sincerely, thank you.

00:51:40It's a very important job.

00:51:41You're shaping the future.

00:51:43And I don't feel like our culture supports you enough, truly.

00:51:46Yeah, truly.

00:51:47Yeah, it's frustrating, you know.

00:51:48I feel like our culture has kind of turned on expertise in general

00:51:52for some weird reason.

00:51:53Right?

00:51:53There's like this weird phenomenon where one person can study something for four, six, seven years,

00:51:58work in that field from their 10 or 20.

00:52:00Another person can read one post on Facebook and somehow think they know more.

00:52:05Like, this doesn't make any sense.

00:52:07I can't imagine how frustrating it is to be a doctor right now.

00:52:11Right?

00:52:11Patient after patient of just stuff like, okay, I hear what you're saying and shit.

00:52:16But check this out.

00:52:19I've been watching a lot of YouTube videos on the healing power of crystals.

00:52:22And I'm gonna take my treatment in a different direction.

00:52:26All right, well, good luck with that.

00:52:28Hopefully you die before you have kids.

00:52:30We don't need to spread that behavior.

00:52:33This is so outrageous.

00:52:38People used to trust teachers to control a classroom.

00:52:40And now I feel like they second guess them to death.

00:52:42You know, my sister's a teacher.

00:52:43I know a lot of teachers.

00:52:43I've witnessed it firsthand.

00:52:45You know, they're like, it's just crazy.

00:52:47You know, like, you know, it used to be where if a kid was causing a problem in the classroom,

00:52:51obvious problem, and the parent or parents get called in, it'd be like the parent and the teacher working together

00:52:57as a team on behalf of the kid coming up with a game plan.

00:53:00Now a lot of times, if the parent gets called in, it's the parent and the kid ganging up on

00:53:04the teacher as if the teacher has an agenda out for their kid, which is very paranoid logic.

00:53:09Highly unlikely that your kid's teacher has an agenda out for your kid.

00:53:14Very likely that if your kid's teacher thinks that your kid is a disruptive piece of shit, well, guess what?

00:53:20Your kid is a disruptive piece of shit.

00:53:22And if you can't understand that, it's because you are also a disruptive piece of shit perpetuating a horrible mentality.

00:53:35It would just be nice in those situations if sometimes, you know, that parent could just assume that maybe the

00:53:39teacher's right.

00:53:40Take a day off work, take the kids out of school for a day, load the family up into a

00:53:44van, drive around and just brainstorm.

00:53:47You know, just what, what if, what if they've got a point?

00:53:49You know, what if, what if there is something that we could fix?

00:53:52What should we do?

00:53:54And if you can't come up with an answer to those type of questions, that's okay.

00:53:56You can also take a shortcut and drive that van off a cliff.

00:54:00Sometimes maybe it's best to prune that family tree right at the stump for the greater good.

00:54:09I'm half joking. Tops.

00:54:15There's a kid in my daughter's class who has disrupted school every day he is there for the past four

00:54:20school years to a preposterous degree.

00:54:22Last thing I saw firsthand, every other kid is trying to take a test.

00:54:25He's in the back of the room working on martial arts moves for about half an hour.

00:54:30And not on the sly, like openly and aggressively.

00:54:33I talked to the teacher. I'm like, why don't you just kick him out?

00:54:35She said, because it doesn't help. She tried. Didn't work.

00:54:38She used to send me to the principal's office, but she stopped because he wouldn't get in trouble.

00:54:41And I found out later why. The principal was afraid to get after him,

00:54:44because the principal was worried about getting backed up by the school board.

00:54:47And the school board was worried about backing up the principal,

00:54:49because they were afraid of getting sued by this kid's mom.

00:54:52But I found this whole story. And they were nervous with this kid,

00:54:54because this kid claimed to have a focus disorder, which I don't buy.

00:54:57And I know a lot of kids have legitimate disorders. I know that's real.

00:55:00But I know that a lot of other kids have been told they have a disorder

00:55:03by somebody who's not qualified.

00:55:05All they really suffer from is being an imperfect human being like everybody else.

00:55:09But now they have a label to hide behind for the rest of their life

00:55:12and never take responsibility for their shit.

00:55:15And that's not good for them or anybody around them.

00:55:17And I don't think this kid has a folk disorder,

00:55:20because I have a lot of gossip sources in the school system who I do trust.

00:55:26And according to sources, who I cannot name for legal reasons,

00:55:31right, they have told me that they have asked this child's mother,

00:55:33please take him to a doctor, have him tested.

00:55:35They've asked her over and over. She won't do it.

00:55:37Only the mother has diagnosed him.

00:55:39And I question her diagnostic abilities,

00:55:42because she is not a doctor. She is a hair stylist.

00:55:46And he has a fucked up haircut.

00:55:53I was just thinking that maybe if you can't center a rat tail,

00:55:55you might not be the best at knocking out psychological disorders.

00:55:58Maybe that's not your lane.

00:56:01If I would have done what he does when I was in school,

00:56:04I would have been physically removed from the classroom.

00:56:06And I know that, because I was physically removed from the classroom.

00:56:10In third grade, I had my own desk in the hallway for quite some time.

00:56:14Because apparently I suffer from

00:56:16I cannot shut up and leave people alone disorder.

00:56:19And I was put in solitary to reflect on my condition.

00:56:23If my dad would have done that when he was a kid,

00:56:25he would have been paddled.

00:56:26That's what they would do to him.

00:56:27They would bring him to the front of the class and paddle his ass.

00:56:30And if that sounds crazy to you, the crazy thing to me is

00:56:32even though that happened to him a whole bunch of times,

00:56:34he never even died one time.

00:56:39It's almost like it's not that big of a deal.

00:56:43If my grandpa would have done that when he was a kid,

00:56:45he would have been taken out of recess.

00:56:46He even walked to the center of the playground.

00:56:49And he would have been executed.

00:56:53And that might not be true.

00:56:54He's been saying a lot of weird shit the last two years.

00:57:00I was thinking, what can we do now, right?

00:57:02To kind of let teachers take control of the classroom again.

00:57:05Without having to put their hands on a kid, right?

00:57:07And risk any kind of litigation.

00:57:08You get in so much trouble if you paddled a kid now.

00:57:11You go to jail, you never get to teach again.

00:57:13I was thinking, what can we do?

00:57:13Would they never have to touch a kid,

00:57:15but they could really control the classroom?

00:57:17And I'm pretty excited with what I've come up with.

00:57:20It's gonna be hard to legislate, but I do believe in this idea.

00:57:24I Googled, how much electricity does it take to kill a human being?

00:57:31According to the internet, 50 milliamps.

00:57:3350 milliamps of current is the beginning of the lethal level.

00:57:37From what I understand, only a small fraction of humanity dies at 50.

00:57:40That's when the weak are separated from the hurt.

00:57:44That's when a little bit of natural selection is reintroduced into the population.

00:57:48That's 50.

00:57:48But at only 10 milliamps, quote, excruciating pain and partial paralysis ensues.

00:57:55So full disclosure, I'm not a certified electrician.

00:58:01But the way I see it, we got a little over 39 milliamps to kind of fuck around with.

00:58:06Why can't we try it?

00:58:07No one's gonna die.

00:58:08But it's gonna hurt quite a bit.

00:58:10I want to reconfigure our classrooms into electrical grids.

00:58:14I want a little box at the teacher's desk, you know, with a system of dials.

00:58:23Each dial corresponds to a square patch of floor that can be electrified to various degrees.

00:58:28Based on the twisting of the dial.

00:58:31Right? You know, arranging like a bingo grid type layout.

00:58:35Someone's misbehaving in D2?

00:58:37Not anymore. Light them up.

00:58:40Send a little refocus juice their way.

00:58:43Four or five seconds, 20, 30 milliamps.

00:58:46Two weeks of shock therapy, karate kid, he's gonna be focused on testing.

00:58:51He's gonna be seated, eyes forward, ready to learn.

00:58:54He might be a little twitchy.

00:58:58But mostly focused.

00:59:01And I want to live in a nation of smarter, twitchier kids.

00:59:10I do think it's a good thing for kids to learn about, you know, real consequences for negative behavior.

00:59:16I feel like it makes better adults.

00:59:18I learned about real consequences when I was a kid.

00:59:21I got punched in the face quite a bit.

00:59:25I don't know what the stats are on how much you're supposed to get beat up between kindergarten and eighth

00:59:28grade, but I feel like I was off the fucking chart.

00:59:31I'm not sad about it either.

00:59:32Because I deserve those beatings.

00:59:35I possessed a real terrible combination of having a real smart mouth and poor defensive fighting skills.

00:59:43And over and over, I would aggressively, verbally antagonize somebody to their face, you know, until they couldn't take it.

00:59:48And then they would snap and pop me, oftentimes, in my face.

00:59:51And over time, I learned, I don't care for that.

00:59:55They don't like it when I do that.

00:59:57And it made me a better adult.

00:59:59I say crazy shit here, but I almost never do out in public.

01:00:02Right?

01:00:03Because I try to be very polite.

01:00:04I'm actually very quiet out in society, you know, trying to be respectful of others.

01:00:08I still think those things that I thought when I was a kid.

01:00:10But I'm able to keep them inside now because of those early lessons.

01:00:13Well, I'd have the first thoughts float up like,

01:00:15Oh, you can light them up.

01:00:16You said this and this and this.

01:00:18But then right behind it, I have another thought that goes,

01:00:19That's exactly how you get popped.

01:00:22You're right, second thought.

01:00:28I wish all of you could get punched in your faces.

01:00:32I wish you knew what that felt like for, you know, in a real way.

01:00:35I think if you carried, you know, that feeling through life,

01:00:37I think people would be more polite out in society.

01:00:39If they knew if they push shit too far, I might get popped.

01:00:42If I was in charge, I would legalize quite a bit more violence.

01:00:46I would allow us to self-regulate a little bit more,

01:00:48stay out of the courtroom a little more often.

01:00:50Because I don't like it how, you know, pretty much unless it's self-defense,

01:00:53if you hit somebody, you're gonna get in trouble.

01:00:55You know, when I hear about somebody getting hit,

01:00:56I don't immediately feel sorry for them.

01:00:58My first thought is actually, what did you do?

01:01:01Right? Sometimes nothing, sometimes quite a bit.

01:01:04You know, context should matter when it comes to crimes.

01:01:07You know, a lot more.

01:01:08Like if some guy at a club later tonight sucker punches a stranger,

01:01:11that's not okay.

01:01:11That guy should get in a lot of trouble,

01:01:13just punching somebody for their own sick amusement.

01:01:15But what if it's very different?

01:01:16What if some guy punches some other guy

01:01:18because that guy kept calling his girlfriend a trashy bitch?

01:01:22He asked him to stop.

01:01:23He didn't stop.

01:01:24You know, one more time, I'm gonna pop you.

01:01:25He does it one more time.

01:01:26He hits him.

01:01:27To me, that's not a crime.

01:01:28That's a life lesson.

01:01:29Right?

01:01:30Yeah, what made you think you could just keep antagonizing somebody like that?

01:01:36But I will say, you know, court cases could get more tricky if we go down this road.

01:01:41Because if you open up the door to more context, you know,

01:01:43you gotta keep digging in a lot of situations.

01:01:45Find out who really was at fault.

01:01:46You know, in that last situation, you gotta ask yourself,

01:01:50Yeah, but why did he call her a trashy bitch?

01:01:54You know, what did she do?

01:01:55Was it warranted?

01:01:57You know, what if he said that?

01:01:58Because earlier in the evening, he was clearly next in line for a drink.

01:02:01Right?

01:02:01Everybody knew it.

01:02:02He made solid eye contact with the bartender.

01:02:05Affirmation nod.

01:02:06His turn.

01:02:08And then at the last second, she just cuts in front of him.

01:02:10Like his life has no value.

01:02:11Like he's not even standing there.

01:02:12He doesn't care for it.

01:02:13He just mutters under his breath.

01:02:15Just, excuse you.

01:02:16And she hears that and she doesn't like it.

01:02:18And when she gets her drink, she turns around, throws it in his face.

01:02:23Like a trashy bitch would.

01:02:27And then he calls her out and he gets popped.

01:02:29That's also not okay.

01:02:30In that situation, he should be able to legally punch her boyfriend back five to ten times crime-free.

01:02:36Because that guy needs to learn a lesson.

01:02:37You can't just bring a trashy bitch out into a bar like there's never going to be consequences.

01:02:41You got to take responsibility for who you associate with.

01:02:46If you're going to walk out into public with a live grenade, you got to hold the pin the entire

01:02:49time.

01:02:51Let's take it even further.

01:02:55What if during the ensuing scuffle, she throws a second drink in the first guy's face?

01:03:00Should he then be allowed to hit her?

01:03:01No.

01:03:02No, I don't think so.

01:03:04But I do think he should be allowed to throw her down like one short flight of stairs.

01:03:07Because otherwise what?

01:03:08She gets to be a drink-flinging trashy bitch the rest of her life?

01:03:10No consequences?

01:03:13If you didn't like the last part of that joke, congratulations, you're sexist.

01:03:18True gender equality is when both sexists live under the same fear of being beaten in public.

01:03:26Equal pay, equal beatings.

01:03:31That's my favorite thing to say on stage right now.

01:03:34Because of the moral confusion it creates.

01:03:36The underlying message is actually very good to what I just said.

01:03:39But the vehicle I choose to deliver that message is fucking horrific.

01:03:43If I laugh, am I supporting domestic violence?

01:03:46If I don't laugh, am I against equal wages?

01:03:48Why are they doing this?

01:03:55I got a lot of good ideas, you guys.

01:03:58I should probably run for office.

01:04:01No, I was kidding.

01:04:07Oh man, I would never make it.

01:04:10I don't talk about politics much.

01:04:11And I'm not gonna talk about it tonight in any kind of partisan way.

01:04:14Because I feel like we get enough of that in the news on just a daily or hourly basis.

01:04:19But I was thinking, like, what a weird time it is to be a politician.

01:04:22Like, who would want that job right now?

01:04:24Like, it's so polarized.

01:04:26What a strange job where best-case scenario, you're doing literally the best job you could possibly do.

01:04:31About half the country wishes you and your family were dead.

01:04:35Like, that's best case.

01:04:38I don't know why anyone would choose to run right now with the cross-examination culture we live in.

01:04:42Where people like to bring, you know, something you said 20 years ago and take it out of context and

01:04:46just, you know, destroy you.

01:04:47I would be the quickest dismissal in cross-examination history.

01:04:52I have said so many things publicly over the years that I do in fact mean.

01:04:57I know for some of you it makes this stuff more palatable if you assume that I'm joking.

01:05:00No, no, no, no.

01:05:02These are just statements with occasional laugh points.

01:05:07One question, I'd be done.

01:05:08They could pull from anything.

01:05:09Just, did you actually advocate throwing women down short flights of stairs?

01:05:12Listen, I was joking.

01:05:14Yeah, you got me.

01:05:15Okay.

01:05:17Okay, I said it.

01:05:17I said it.

01:05:18If you look a little bit further, I actually want to electrocute children in some situations as well.

01:05:23Showing myself out?

01:05:24That's fair.

01:05:24Okay.

01:05:25That's reasonable.

01:05:30Feel bad for politicians kind of in general.

01:05:32I feel like we hold them to unreasonable expectations and standards.

01:05:36Like, one of the unreasonable expectations is to not lie.

01:05:40That's a big complaint.

01:05:41Right?

01:05:41That they lie.

01:05:42They said this during the campaign.

01:05:43Then they got into office and they did something else.

01:05:45How could they lie?

01:05:45Because that's the only way you can get elected.

01:05:49And we have ourselves to blame.

01:05:50We have a democracy.

01:05:51We need a, you know, a certain number of votes.

01:05:53And you cannot get that number of votes unless you lie a little bit.

01:05:56Because too many people are allergic to real brutal honesty.

01:05:59Right?

01:06:00They just can't handle it.

01:06:01They want sanitized honesty.

01:06:05I feel like a lot of people when they're claiming to want to hear truth,

01:06:07what they're really saying is,

01:06:08I want to hear some truth that won't impact my life in a negative way ever.

01:06:14And magically makes my problems disappear with very little work on my behalf.

01:06:18That's the truth I like.

01:06:20That's not the way the truth works.

01:06:21A lot of times, yeah, it's very ugly.

01:06:23You know?

01:06:24Like the real problem right now, no one will even bring up.

01:06:26Because it will be political suicide to mention it one time.

01:06:29Forget about gun control.

01:06:30Forget about immigration.

01:06:31There's another problem.

01:06:32Underneath a variety of other problems,

01:06:34in this country and others, there will be political suicide to talk about.

01:06:38And that's the fact that there are quickly becoming too many people

01:06:41in various parts of the planet.

01:06:42It's a math equation.

01:06:44Right?

01:06:44The ball doesn't keep getting bigger.

01:06:47Right?

01:06:47There's a limited amount of resources.

01:06:49You can't keep pumping out at an exponential rate.

01:06:51shithead after mouth breather after non-contributor.

01:06:54And expect a pleasant ecosystem to enjoy in perpetuity.

01:07:01You also can't win an election on a pro-death platform.

01:07:04That's a tough sell.

01:07:06That's a delicate campaign speech to deliver if you're like,

01:07:08I can fix some stuff, but I'm gonna have to get rid of about 90% of you.

01:07:12Vote for Cummins and you probably will die.

01:07:16That's a terrible bumper sticker.

01:07:20But I have thought about who I'd get rid of if I could.

01:07:23Right?

01:07:23Just to make life better for those who remain.

01:07:26I feel like the first group, hopefully, is one you can all get behind tonight.

01:07:29If you push back on this, it's gonna get fucking awkward.

01:07:33Violent pedophiles, level three sex offenders.

01:07:35I think we can do without that.

01:07:37I think, uh...

01:07:37You can't cure it.

01:07:41How weird would that be if everyone was like,

01:07:43Boo!

01:07:43You just got up and left.

01:07:45I paid my dues!

01:07:50No, but you can't cure it, you know?

01:07:51I used to think the best you could do is just, like, remove the threat.

01:07:54But I think we could do one better.

01:07:55I think we could remove and monetize the threat.

01:07:58What I would like to do is take, you know, dangerous sex offenders,

01:08:00put them on an island with nothing but other sex offenders,

01:08:03GoPro cameras, and Hungry Lions.

01:08:07Very Hungry Lion Island will be the highest rated reality show in television history.

01:08:10That's a ratings goldmine.

01:08:12Lot of ad money.

01:08:15We use that money for education initiatives, victims groups.

01:08:18We could create profitable spin-offs like Pit of a Thousand Badgers.

01:08:23Super horny gorilla cage as Must Watch TV.

01:08:27Find out who faces Bobo's wrath tonight!

01:08:32What about the guy who never has time to get a job,

01:08:34but always has time to get five, six different women pregnant,

01:08:37not help raise the kids?

01:08:39Congratulations.

01:08:40You're gonna be a contestant on America's favorite new game show.

01:08:43It's called Beauty or Blender.

01:08:44Here's how it works.

01:08:47You're gonna be forced to stick your dick in a hole in a wall.

01:08:51On the other side of that wall is either a beautiful woman

01:08:54who may or may not be turned on,

01:08:56or a blender that is for sure turned on.

01:09:04Here's a little show secret, there is no woman.

01:09:07It's all blenders all the time.

01:09:10I just have to pretend because it's hard to market a show called Blender or Blender.

01:09:20Another group would be anybody who works at the IRS.

01:09:22You're gonna be put in a cell.

01:09:25Already on board, yeah.

01:09:27You're gonna be put in a cell, you've already given just enough food to live on before taxes.

01:09:33Prior to being able to enjoy any particular meal, you're gonna have 25 to 40% of that meal removed.

01:09:38And you're gonna slowly wither away and die like all the Mon Pa stores.

01:09:42You nickel and dime to death to pave the way for those tax loophole loving big box motherfuckers.

01:09:47That own America.

01:09:52I feel like the pro-death movement's picking up some steam right now.

01:09:58Another group I'd like to get rid of, last one I could talk about tonight,

01:10:00is anybody who came to this evening's show and initially was having a good time

01:10:03and then they just kind of let one silly joke just rub in the wrong way and just

01:10:08sat there and stewed the rest of the evening.

01:10:10I don't like it.

01:10:11He needs to get rid of it.

01:10:12Ugh.

01:10:13Ugh.

01:10:15God didn't like it either.

01:10:16He's gonna burn in hell.

01:10:19Semicolon.

01:10:22Or maybe God has a sense of humor.

01:10:24Maybe God cares less about arbitrary rules and cares more about effort and intention

01:10:28and just wants us to do our best, help each other when we can,

01:10:30love our friends and family with everything we've got and raise our kids to do the same.

01:10:35Exclamation point.

01:10:36Hail Nimrod.

01:10:36Thank you guys so much.

01:10:38Hope you had fun.

01:10:39Thank you guys very much, man.

01:10:40I appreciate it.

01:10:43Thank you guys so much.

01:10:44Seriously.

01:11:01Hey guys.

01:11:03So I did what you asked.

01:11:04I made a bunch of jokes.

01:11:06I feel like you guys are totally not real.

01:11:07They laughed.

01:11:07I think they bought it.

01:11:08So hopefully Satan will honor his part of the deal.

01:11:11And, you know, let me have a funny special.

01:11:13Because that was what I gave my soul for.

01:11:15Okay.

01:11:15Okay, good.

01:11:16Okay, good.

01:11:18And you know, I don't know if it's too late, but I feel like I should have asked for more.

01:11:20Like just like the fame and fortune.

01:11:21Because I feel like I did a lot of the work on making a special good.

01:11:24I just...

01:11:25Hey, what do you guys do in those tunnels?

01:11:26Like what do you eat?

01:11:28Like human despair or flies?

01:11:29Have a great day.

01:11:30And happy day.

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