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00:14Ladies and gentlemen, please put your hands together for Jackie Fabulous!
00:35Thank you! My bra is showing, it's real, hey! Oh god, I'm not gonna lie. Okay, before I start, just
00:43so you guys know, all I talk about is my next big birthday. I'm gonna be 50 in August. Stop
00:49it! Stop! Stop! Stop! And I have been having hot flashes during my shows. No woo. Fuck you, woo.
01:01I told another audience a few weeks ago, I'm having hot flashes, and they started applauding. And this man in
01:09the back said, we're giving you men applause! I had him killed. He's gone. He's not. I had him murdered.
01:18It's not funny. I'm not gonna lie, I am kind of nervous, but only because this is a lot. Like,
01:24we just got out of a pandemic slash pepperoni slash panoramic, whatever the hell you want to call it.
01:30And the CDC doesn't make it easier. We're in New York, and their last announcement, I swear to God, they
01:35were like, if you are on New York City streets by yourself, you don't have to wear a mask.
01:43Where the fuck am I, sir? I'm in New York. I'm by myself. No one else is on the street
01:48with me. Fuck the mask. I'm about to die. Where am I? I'm in the wrong neighborhood.
01:54I'm worried about the goddamn mask. Why am I out here, alone? Anybody here give, uh, Amazon so much money,
02:03you feel like Jeff owes you anal?
02:07Did you hear the whole thing? Did you hear the whole statement?
02:12Am I anal? Yeah. If I ever see Jeff in these streets, I'm gonna be like, you should suck this
02:17titty, I swear to God.
02:18You should. And the amount of money I have given you, the amount of boxes on my porch, you would
02:24think I was rich.
02:25And I'm not. I'm lonely. I'm lonely. Sometimes all we had to look forward to was the mail. Is it
02:31just me? You know?
02:32All right? You get that email, your package has been delivered. Ah! I'm the only one? I'm the only one?
02:38Really? Come on.
02:41I bought so much from Prime that I gave the truck driver my parking space.
02:47You know how much you gotta shop to have him give him your space? I got some chalk right on
02:51the ground.
02:51Prime slash Carlos. Only Carlos can park there. He likes strawberry lemonade and tuna fish.
02:57And yes, I'm gonna fuck Carlos. Cause I have not had, I have not had a man with a job
03:01this good in years, okay?
03:03If you're gonna fuck anybody, fuck the Prime guy. That's what I'm saying.
03:06Ma'am, you look in shock. You're not knowing I'm not a church show? Are you confused?
03:12Looking at her friend like, she's cussing a lot. God damn.
03:18I'm stuck at home, ma'am. I'm happy to be out.
03:22Are we happy to be out? Let's just be blessed for a minute.
03:26We all could be dead together. And we are out.
03:31Anybody here Zoom teaching or Zoom homeschooling their kids?
03:35Yeah, you guys are fantastic.
03:37I love watching the moms on social media have nervous breakdowns.
03:44Cause you're teaching your kids.
03:45And you're like, I did not sign up for this shit.
03:47I gave birth, put him in school, you'll fix him.
03:51Teacher been telling you for two and a half years, your kid needs Ritalin and therapy.
03:54You know why you guys are having a heart attack?
03:56So you didn't know that your kids were assholes.
03:58That's why.
04:00You're like, Stacy is a bitch.
04:02Was she always this way?
04:05Right, sir?
04:07Some of you don't know your kids.
04:08And you gotta teach them shit.
04:09You're like, oh my God, he's a dummy.
04:13Just the other day, I was on the train.
04:15And I heard this mother and daughter.
04:17And she was like testing her daughter.
04:18You know, school stuff.
04:19And she's like, what are the days of the week?
04:22And she said, what is today's day?
04:24And her daughter said, February.
04:28So these kids need to go back to school immediately, okay?
04:31They're fucking dumb now.
04:32That's all I'm saying.
04:33If some of you knew in 2010 that in 2020 you would have little almond butter or peppermint at home
04:40with you all day,
04:41you'd have made your husband ejaculate in the backyard, in the kitchen, come in any room.
04:46But do not come anywhere near me.
04:48Why?
04:48Because he gonna be here all goddamn day in 10 years.
04:53I'm waiting on Biden to forgive these student loans.
04:56He's certainly taking a long-ass time.
04:57What the fuck?
04:59This man is fixing everything but that.
05:04Hey, I voted for him.
05:05You can tell.
05:05You can see me.
05:06He's the one I voted for.
05:07And here's the thing.
05:08I went to law school.
05:09Clearly, I am not using the degree.
05:11Okay?
05:12If Biden could get my student loans forgiven, he could bring back slavery.
05:16I swear to God.
05:18I'd have a job, you know what I'm saying, every day.
05:21Some of you are like, we can't sign on to that one.
05:23We can't.
05:25You had us, but girl, you're tripping now.
05:28I miss touring this panoramic.
05:30Couldn't go anywhere.
05:32You know what's funny?
05:33That when you travel, your friends are like mean.
05:35Like, girl, you're going to Chicago.
05:37You gotta have that deep dish.
05:39You gotta have the deep dish.
05:41Girl, you're going to Philly.
05:42Yo, cheese steak.
05:43Go here.
05:44Kansas City.
05:45Barbecue.
05:45Girl, is there a state vegetable?
05:47Okay, take it easy.
05:48I'm not finished.
05:49Is there a state vegetable that I can support?
05:52Look at my fat ass.
05:53I can't travel around this country eating all this shit.
05:55I'll need two tickets to come back with both of my asses.
05:57I can't travel around and have all your wonderful food.
06:00But let's get down to what I'm really happy about.
06:03This thing is being, what is it, filmed, recorded?
06:06I'm old as fuck.
06:07In New York.
06:08And I'm born and raised in the Bronx.
06:10I'm so happy.
06:12Let's be real.
06:14I cannot believe.
06:17Yes, baby.
06:17Got a razor blade in my hair right now.
06:19Never forget.
06:20Ay.
06:21But I'm just saying.
06:22And I lived in L.A.
06:23Here's the thing.
06:23I lived in Los Angeles for the last 20 years.
06:25I just moved back a year ago to New York.
06:28And I don't give you guys enough credit.
06:30You made me so strong, so intelligent, so wise, so brave.
06:34Because people in L.A., they're a little, you know.
06:39You know, they're just, they're pussies.
06:41They're pussies.
06:42Okay?
06:44Not.
06:47Okay, I don't want to get angry messages.
06:50Not all of them.
06:50Okay?
06:51Not all of them.
06:51But the men.
06:52Those are the ones I'm talking about.
06:54Because East Coast men, I used to talk shit about you.
06:57You are the best men to date.
07:00You're normal.
07:01Every race.
07:02You're fantastic.
07:03I love the way you guys treat your lives.
07:05Because it is very hard to get laid by a creative guy in Hollywood.
07:10Because I love comedians, actors, singers.
07:13Whatever you do, creative, I want to fuck you.
07:14That's just how I, I'm sorry.
07:16Okay?
07:16And when I was in L.A., these guys, if they're not working, and they're not on TV, their dicks
07:21don't work.
07:23They're like Jackie right now.
07:25The where I am in my life, and the area you want me to please, I need meditation.
07:29Oh my God.
07:30But the men on the East Coast, when you guys are unemployed and not working, the best dick
07:36ever!
07:37Oh my God.
07:39You borderline abusive East Coast men, I miss you.
07:42I miss you so much.
07:44Okay?
07:45The next day, I'm like, should I call the cops or call him for another date?
07:48That was a good night.
07:49That was a good night.
07:50I miss you guys.
07:52You bottle up inside.
07:53That's the way you're supposed to do it.
07:55A good American man.
07:56Man, all these feelings in Los Angeles.
08:00I went to see a guy in L.A. that I used to date, and when I got to his
08:03house, he made
08:04me watch a podcast, be on his podcast, watch a movie he was in.
08:09He wrote me a song.
08:10When is your dick coming out?
08:11I'm not an agent, sir.
08:12I can't help you with your career.
08:14I keep over here to fuck.
08:15What is going on?
08:17These goddamn feelings.
08:18I'm trying to fuck.
08:20I'm sorry.
08:21My mom's going to see this.
08:22She's going to be so sad.
08:24She's going to be like, you were raised in the church.
08:26Up until 18, London.
08:27I left that bitch immediately.
08:31Now, here's the thing.
08:32Being in L.A. for so long, I did meet one woman who used to live in New York, and
08:38she
08:38left because she told me that one man started masturbating on the subway in front of her
08:44in New York, so she packed herself immediately and moved back to L.A.
08:49I said, bitch, one?
08:53You saw one dick and packed the shit and left?
08:57Do you know how many dicks I have seen before I knew they were for fun?
09:02I've seen local dicks, express dicks, Amtrak dicks, Metro North dicks, boo bust.
09:09I've seen all the dicks unaffected by.
09:12I'm desensitized to this stuff now.
09:14In L.A., there was a little Latino dude in the deodorant aisle jerking off, going to
09:19town.
09:20Instead of yelling out security and police, I just looked at him, turned around and walked
09:24out.
09:25Told the lady walking in behind me, hey, there's a dude jerking off in aisle seven.
09:29Let him finish.
09:30And I walked out.
09:32You're committing a felony.
09:33You might as well finish.
09:34You're going to jail.
09:34You know what I'm saying?
09:40But New York, you guys stayed with me when it really mattered.
09:44Like in L.A., everyone is really caring about everything.
09:49A lot of causes and charities and walks and shit.
09:53Petitions, always wanting you to sign shit.
09:56I was leaving a grocery store, a handful of bags, struggling to keep them in my hands,
10:00right?
10:00This lady out of nowhere is like, will you please sign our petition for gay rights?
10:06I said, gays, you have enough.
10:08And I walked off.
10:08Isn't that fucked up?
10:09No, no, no.
10:10If you're gay, you do a pretty good job at getting your rights heard.
10:13I don't have time to fight for gay rights.
10:16I'm a black woman.
10:17I'm busy.
10:18I have my own things to worry about, okay?
10:20I'm a black woman.
10:21There you go.
10:22Clap it up.
10:22I'm a black.
10:23Clap it up.
10:23I'm black.
10:24I want that alone.
10:25I don't have time to fight for gay rights.
10:27Why?
10:27I'm a black woman.
10:28I'm full-figured.
10:29I'm well over 40.
10:31I still want to have a baby at my age.
10:33How?
10:33You know I don't know.
10:34I grow one hair out of this nipple, the one I pull it out on Monday.
10:37It's a footlong again on Tuesday.
10:39Why is that?
10:39How?
10:40Every time I laugh or sneeze, a little bit of pee comes out.
10:43Yay, that's new.
10:44I'm horny all the time.
10:46I don't know why.
10:46I look pregnant no matter what I have on.
10:48And this is not a baby.
10:49This is gravy and frosting.
10:50I don't know what this is.
10:52And the most fun that I'm having, I grow a goatee every three days.
10:55Fuck you and your petition, bitch.
10:57We're fighting for my right, whore.
10:58I don't have time to help you.
11:00Ain't a lesbian family.
11:01I'm fucked up too.
11:04See?
11:04And you're right up in there.
11:05Right up in there.
11:07Always around.
11:10I need new friends.
11:12Because I like my girlfriends to be older than me.
11:15That's how I learn about life.
11:16That's how I manifest success.
11:18But because I'm going to be 50, I didn't know that my close girlfriends are a lot older than me.
11:24Some of them are prudes.
11:25It's not much fun.
11:25Because I'm still a party girl.
11:27I didn't go away to college.
11:28So I'm like putting together a vacation for me and my older girlfriends.
11:32We're Zooming.
11:33I'm the Zoom coordinator.
11:34I'm like, we should go to Mexico.
11:37Why?
11:37I lived in LA for so long.
11:39You can get luxury over there for almost nothing.
11:41And the oldest girlfriend in the posse is like, Mexico?
11:46Don't they kidnap women into sexual slavery in Mexico?
11:52I'm like, bitch, how do we qualify for that job at our age?
11:57Are we going to be the nannies teaching English?
11:59Make the uniforms?
12:00Cook the meals?
12:01You told me you have arthritis.
12:03You have bad niggas and a bad back.
12:04Don't nobody want no old ass sex slave.
12:08We have aged out the sex trafficking market, you stupid bitch.
12:12Oh my God.
12:13So yeah, I need new friends.
12:15Now y'all see.
12:18Oop, got a hot flash.
12:19Here we go.
12:20I might get naked.
12:21And if I do, you're welcome.
12:25I've never dated a white guy in Los Angeles.
12:29There's no reason.
12:30I like all of you guys.
12:31You guys won't hit on me.
12:32I don't know why.
12:33I'm very white friendly, right?
12:35I'm not angry right now.
12:37I know my father.
12:37I'm rare.
12:38There's not many of me out there in these streets.
12:43I want to try a white guy.
12:44What do you guys taste like?
12:45Vanilla?
12:46Butterscotch?
12:47I've never had one.
12:48I have no idea what it's like.
12:52I'll do what I got to do to attract a white guy.
12:54I'll put the work in.
12:55I'm willing to cook with less seasoning and put the raisins in food that shouldn't have
13:01any goddamn raisins in them and ask for the manager every time to go to a restaurant.
13:07I'll do what I got to do to make your white guys feel at home.
13:13I had one white guy who's like, how do I turn a big black woman like you on?
13:17I said, I am very turned on by Morton Steakhouse.
13:19I love that place.
13:21But once I had large meat, I don't care how large yours is.
13:24You know what I'm saying?
13:24Just feed me first.
13:25That's all I'm saying.
13:26I'm way less judgmental when I'm full.
13:30Black guys in L.A., they were hard to come by.
13:33Because they like everything.
13:36New York men are more like, I like this, I stick with that.
13:39In L.A., they're like, I date everybody.
13:41The fucking buffet out there.
13:44So I'd meet one and be like, you know what?
13:45We go together.
13:46I wouldn't even ask.
13:47You're my boyfriend.
13:48I can't find none of y'all.
13:49Okay?
13:49We go together.
13:51You know what?
13:52I attract the black guy.
13:53I always get the reacclimation black guy.
13:56Know what that is, sir?
13:56You feel like you know what I'm talking about.
13:58Know what that is?
13:59I get the black guy who has not had a black girlfriend in years.
14:04And then he meets me.
14:05He's like, oh, girl, I want to come back.
14:08I want to come back.
14:09Can you train me?
14:11You need to watch BET.
14:12I don't got time to train you on how to be a black man.
14:14But I knew that he and I weren't going to work.
14:16You know why?
14:16He had a lot of white requests.
14:19He was like, Jackie, let's get up at 5 a.m.
14:24And go for a run.
14:29On the beach.
14:30The third one.
14:32I'm like, why?
14:33Is the gym closed?
14:34They open at 9.
14:34What the fuck is wrong with you?
14:38And he's like, Jackie, I want to make love to you in the shower.
14:42Let's get in the shower.
14:44I'm like, can you see me?
14:46I don't do water sports.
14:49I'm like, you know what?
14:50Before I say no, let me go get my big pink plastic floral Walmart shower cap.
14:55If I had that big ass hat on and your dick still gets hard, you deserve it.
14:58Okay?
14:59You're a fucking trooper.
15:00That is not a comes up to me hat.
15:02We all know him.
15:02We all got that hat at home.
15:07He was like, he wanted to go hiking on the first date.
15:11Hiking!
15:13I said, that's white.
15:14I'm sorry.
15:15That is really white.
15:16How about I not act out my own homicide, law and order?
15:19How about I not?
15:19I'm not going hiking with a goddamn stranger.
15:22In the woods?
15:23Really?
15:23Do you not have TV?
15:28That's fine.
15:29That's fine.
15:30No dates in the middle of nowhere.
15:32Hell no.
15:34I used to have a propensity to attract young dudes.
15:37They like me because I have a very youthful, I'm happy.
15:40They like happy.
15:41But they're easy to get.
15:43It's like shooting fish in the barrel, getting a young guy.
15:45But you can lure them into your house with a game console.
15:47There's no challenge with a young guy.
15:50But PS5, penis forever.
15:53That's all I'm saying.
15:54Is that what the P stands for?
15:55It should.
15:56It should.
15:59Oh, God.
16:00Old guys.
16:01Ooh, I do well at attracting an old dude, boy.
16:04You know why I attract old guy?
16:06Why?
16:06I get the Bluetooth, man.
16:09Got a little old ass black guy with the Bluetooth.
16:11Is that you, sir?
16:12I feel like you might be that dude.
16:13No, right here, Baldy.
16:15Where is this?
16:16Oh, you wearing one right now?
16:17You wearing one right now?
16:18I get the black guy with the Bluetooth on all day for no goddamn reason.
16:22I was in a bar with a guy, Bluetooth, face blinking for three hours.
16:26I'm like, are you closing on a house, Samuel?
16:28Turn that off.
16:28It's midnight on Saturday.
16:29Anybody looking for you?
16:33I feel like a lot of old guys don't know how to get laid, though.
16:36They're out of the game.
16:36They don't really know how to, the lingo.
16:38I was in one show, guy in the front row, cute, 49 years old.
16:43I was joking.
16:44I was like, do you have high blood pressure?
16:46And he said, of course.
16:49That's not how you get your dick sucked, sir.
16:51That's not the way.
16:54But the advantage of dating men at 50 is that I'm honest.
17:01You know what I mean?
17:01Like, that whole thing about all night long.
17:04Isn't that a fucking lie?
17:06The only thing I want all night long is sleep and a shoe sale.
17:10You know what I'm saying?
17:11That's not one dick all night long.
17:13But I can say no to certain dicks now.
17:15When you get older, you learn.
17:17I got my first ever, my first ever dick pic.
17:21I've only gotten one in a text.
17:22This guy liked me, wanted to sell it to me.
17:25Text of his penis, 11 inches long.
17:2911 inches!
17:30No.
17:3211 inches.
17:33And my girlfriend said, you're a big girl.
17:36You can handle that.
17:38I said, bitch, I'm not hollow.
17:40What the fuck?
17:42There's shit inside.
17:43There's muscles and bones.
17:46Anything that big enters your body, you know what it's called?
17:49An intruder.
17:50What's that?
17:50That's not a lung bitch or a spleen.
17:52You don't need any more burgers.
17:53You're finished.
17:54You're full.
17:56Oh, boy.
17:58This pandemic has been something.
17:59I'm not going to lie.
18:01How did I spend it?
18:02I spent it at home with my retired Jamaican mother.
18:09Yeah, that's where I've been all this time.
18:11I moved back home.
18:13I'm in the same childhood bedroom that I grew up in.
18:17The first orgasm I've ever had was in this room.
18:22And I was alone then, too.
18:25Life is full circle.
18:26That's all I'm saying.
18:27Life is full circle.
18:28Stay humble.
18:29Remember where you came from.
18:31It is hard to rub one out in front of stuffed animals.
18:34That's all I'm saying.
18:34It is hard to masturbate in front of stuffed animals.
18:37Because she has thrown nothing away.
18:39Every key chain, every greeting card, every boyfriend is on the wall.
18:43I'm like, Mommy, some of these niggas are dead.
18:45Throw it in the trash.
18:47Let me have my life back.
18:51You know what's ironic?
18:54My period began in this bedroom.
18:58And it's going to end.
19:01It's not fucking funny, sir.
19:03It's sad as shit.
19:07Puberty to menopause.
19:08In the same bedroom.
19:10Help me, Jesus!
19:14So it's me and my mother.
19:16And I'm not going to lie.
19:17You know how on TV shows, the mother and daughter become best friends?
19:20When they both become, when she becomes a grown-up?
19:23Motherfucking lie.
19:25I am trying not to graduate from Chardonnay to cocaine.
19:28I am trying.
19:30It's me.
19:30No one notices how much you drink until you move back home with your family.
19:35My mother can tell when I'm pouring grape juice or orange juice.
19:39She's like, Jacqueline, it's not even noon yet.
19:42Are you pouring wine?
19:43You're lucky it's not heroin.
19:45I should be high all goddamn day.
19:47I live here with you.
19:49She's a liar.
19:52I didn't realize that.
19:53You don't know when you're growing up that your mother's a liar.
19:56Because she's a neighborhood older lady.
19:57And the neighborhood is worried about her.
19:59You know, with COVID.
20:00She's in an age group where if she got COVID, she'd die in a half hour.
20:03So I've been worried about her for the whole year.
20:05Okay?
20:06People come around.
20:07They're like, Miss Carol, are you staying home?
20:08Are you being...
20:09She's like, I'm so scared of COVID.
20:11Lord, have mercy.
20:12Jesus Christ.
20:13I don't go anywhere.
20:15I stay home to be nice.
20:16I'm safe.
20:17This bitch is gone every day for three hours.
20:20I don't know where she's going.
20:21She comes back with a bag with one can of ginger ale, four bananas, an apple.
20:26This ain't essential, bitch.
20:27You're gonna die.
20:28What are you doing?
20:31She pays all of her bills in person like it's 1990.
20:36Jackie, I want to pay my man's cheese bill in person.
20:39I have 11 computers on me right now.
20:41I can't pay shit for her online.
20:45She's obsessed with how many things she owns, the number of them, utensils.
20:49She's like, Jackie, I had nine forks.
20:51Where are two of them in forks?
20:53They're in my fucking sock drawer.
20:55Why would I have your forks?
20:57So what I do now, I go on Amazon, I bought her 498 forks.
21:03I'm not gonna have to fight every day.
21:04If she can't find it, I'm gonna order a thousand of them.
21:09She has never tried to speak proper English my whole life.
21:13Been here longer than I've been alive.
21:15We had a new baby born in our family, new baby boy, new baby cousin.
21:19My mom's on the phone with the baby boy on FaceTime telling him nursery rhymes, I think.
21:26She's like, the itchy bitchy spider.
21:29That's not how it goes.
21:33But she keeps trying.
21:34She keeps trying.
21:36Like, hump it down, they fell off of the wall.
21:40And little Miss Muffet eats him.
21:42That's two stories?
21:43And you made them horror stories.
21:45None of that shit is right.
21:49She's a little bit racist.
21:50A little bit racist.
21:51Because my father, he passed away four years ago.
21:54And he was the complexion of Lionel Richie.
21:57He's a very light-skinned black man.
21:59My mother is a very dark-skinned woman.
22:01So whenever I bring home a man who wasn't light like my father,
22:04and Mom's like,
22:05Jacqueline, your boyfriend is a monkey!
22:09I'm like, Mommy, I appreciate the honesty,
22:11but he's standing right here.
22:12Can he go home first?
22:16I'm a casual marijuana smoker.
22:20You guys would clap at the weirdest shit.
22:22I'm a casual marijuana smoker,
22:24but I don't smoke in front of my mother.
22:26I really can't smoke.
22:27I mean, I do in my bedroom,
22:28but when I smoke a joint,
22:30I do it out the window.
22:31I'm like a window AC unit.
22:32Half my body's outside,
22:34half is inside,
22:35trying to get high
22:36and have her not smell that shit.
22:39Because I learned about weed.
22:41I learned about weed in California.
22:42I'm glad they're going to make it legal in New York
22:44because we're all high all the time anyway.
22:47In California, though,
22:48it's a different thing, though.
22:51It's everywhere.
22:53The kids are high,
22:55the mailman,
22:56your doctor.
22:57Everyone's high in California.
23:01You have to go to a dispensary.
23:04My dispensary was next door to my bank.
23:07You want to say that's not the real world?
23:09And my girlfriend had to teach me about weed out there.
23:11She's like,
23:12Jackie, we're going to ease you into the world of weed slowly.
23:15We're going to give you an edible,
23:16but you can't have the whole edible.
23:17Only eat the corner.
23:18I said, I'm a big girl.
23:20I want to eat the whole thing.
23:21She's like, no, you'll die.
23:22Only eat the corner.
23:23That's it.
23:25So I ate the corner,
23:26brought the rest home.
23:27I ate the whole thing.
23:30I got so high,
23:31I called an ambulance for myself.
23:33Do you understand?
23:34When the guys got to my house,
23:35I was wearing my old wedding dress,
23:37a parka,
23:37a cowboy hat,
23:38a pair of skis.
23:39Bitch, you know I don't ski regular skis.
23:41But when you're high,
23:42you find shit around the house.
23:47I should have got high.
23:48I wish I had gotten my father to try weed
23:51because he died of Parkinson's,
23:53and it was kind of rough, though.
23:55But one time,
23:56they don't have any faith
23:57that I can take care of them
23:57as they get older.
23:58Mother and father,
23:59they don't understand this job.
24:00I went home one time unannounced.
24:03They opened,
24:03both opened the front door.
24:04They had on with sunglasses
24:05that cover your whole head
24:06when you're 100
24:07and you just had surgery.
24:08I said,
24:09what did you both do?
24:11Jackie,
24:11we got less sick together.
24:15I said,
24:16why didn't you call me?
24:17We didn't want to bother you.
24:18So if I came home
24:19and you were both blind
24:20and there was a service dog
24:21on the porch,
24:21wouldn't it be an inconvenience?
24:23And who gets surgery
24:24as a family?
24:25What,
24:25do you have a fucking group on?
24:27Do I have to move back here?
24:32My father was on so many medications
24:34with the Parkinson's,
24:36but I'm not going to lie.
24:37They were fantastic.
24:39I tried some.
24:41He's gone.
24:42He died.
24:43They're all still there.
24:45I'm like,
24:46well,
24:46let's see what he was taking.
24:47One of them was a stool softener.
24:50I'm like,
24:51I wouldn't mind shitting faster,
24:52get more done during the day.
24:53I'll try a stool softener.
24:57Anxiety,
24:58I'm anxious right now.
25:01Sleeping pills?
25:02What's it like to go to bed
25:03and not get up,
25:03pee 18 times
25:04before midnight?
25:05I can miss that.
25:07My father,
25:08when he passed away,
25:09when we were trying to go buy
25:09the coffin and stuff,
25:11when I tell you the anger,
25:12it's like trying to buy
25:13a Toyota Corolla.
25:14Anybody here have family die
25:15and see what a racket it is,
25:17trying to get them buried?
25:18The fucking caskets
25:20are made of,
25:20like,
25:22unusual mahogany.
25:23He's underground.
25:25The man selling it was like,
25:26the coffin,
25:27it stays airtight.
25:31I'm not down there with him.
25:32I don't give a shit
25:33if it leaks.
25:35I don't give a shit
25:36and the water gets in there.
25:38It's airtight.
25:39It's underground.
25:42He could come alive
25:44and die again.
25:45I wouldn't care.
25:46It's underground.
25:46I wouldn't know.
25:47He could wake up and shit.
25:48You see your father?
25:49No,
25:50he's underground.
25:53My mother and aunt
25:54and me
25:54made the arrangements
25:55for his burial,
25:57and my mother and aunt
25:58are keeping up
26:00with the Joneses,
26:00show-offs,
26:02snobs.
26:02Okay?
26:03If I wasn't there,
26:04they'd have had him buried
26:05fucking Elvis style.
26:06The way they were ordering shit
26:07that we didn't have,
26:08they wanted to put him
26:09in a private house.
26:10They wanted to have
26:11a limo bring him.
26:12Bitch,
26:13you don't have,
26:13this man died
26:14and left us
26:14no fucking money.
26:15I want to have him cremated
26:17and put him
26:17in the goddamn kitchen
26:18next to the plates
26:20because we don't have
26:21any money.
26:22It's a racket.
26:24And the guy selling us
26:24all the equipment
26:25at the funeral home,
26:26he kept trying
26:27to upsell us.
26:29Upsell people
26:30who were living.
26:32He's like,
26:32don't you think
26:33it's good to buy
26:34extra plots
26:36for like you
26:37and like your mom
26:37and your auntie?
26:39I said,
26:40sir,
26:40no one's going
26:41to die ever again.
26:42This is the last
26:43fucking person
26:43in my family to die.
26:45I'm not buying
26:46a fucking Corolla,
26:47sir.
26:50I'm a little sad though
26:51because I didn't give
26:52my parents,
26:53grandchildren,
26:53I don't have any kids.
26:54I'm not always happy
26:55about that.
26:57You know,
26:58I don't,
26:58I had a doctor,
26:59my last GYN,
27:00I swear to God,
27:01his name was Dr. Cox.
27:04No one in the office
27:06understood why
27:06I couldn't stop laughing.
27:08I'm like,
27:09no one?
27:09Y'all,
27:10did you hear Dr. Cox?
27:12And he gave me
27:13an examination
27:13and he was like,
27:14you know,
27:14you better hurry up
27:15when he's looking
27:16for the whole baby stuff.
27:17They can tell
27:17when you haven't had kids.
27:19I'm like,
27:19doctor,
27:19I am trying
27:21because I don't have any.
27:23And when I date
27:24guys who are young
27:25who still want kids,
27:26I remember one guy
27:27was so worried
27:28about having babies
27:29because everything
27:30still works.
27:32Everything still works
27:34biologically,
27:35there's the word.
27:35But it's definitely
27:36on liquidation sale now.
27:37It's on clearance.
27:38You gotta go to the back,
27:40you gotta get the manager,
27:41you gotta get the ladder,
27:42you gotta get off
27:43the top shelf.
27:44When you get it down,
27:45you gotta,
27:46it's old,
27:47but it's there.
27:49This young guy's like,
27:50what do you use
27:51for birth control?
27:52I said,
27:53if you could get
27:53my old dad pregnant,
27:54that baby's name's
27:55congratulations.
27:56You were positive.
27:59Are you crazy?
28:01Good luck.
28:03I almost had to get a job.
28:05Woo!
28:08During the panoramic,
28:09oh my God,
28:09I almost had to get a job.
28:12I had a Zoom interview
28:14and she noticed
28:15that on my resume,
28:16I have not had a job
28:17since 2010.
28:19And no,
28:20that's actually a good thing,
28:21but I was in the corporate world
28:23here to know about all this.
28:25She's like,
28:25so I see you haven't had
28:26an office job since 2010.
28:29What have you been doing?
28:30Guess what?
28:31The wrong answer is,
28:31the best I can.
28:35That's the right answer,
28:36but that's not getting me work.
28:39I miss having a nine to five,
28:41though,
28:41I miss,
28:41because I miss my girlfriends.
28:42I miss having girlfriends at work.
28:44I had one girlfriend,
28:45my biggest memory,
28:46my most fond memory,
28:47this young girl,
28:4835 years old at the time,
28:49and she's like,
28:50Jackie,
28:50I'm a virgin.
28:52I want some,
28:52and I'm like,
28:53I can't help you with that shit.
28:55I said to her,
28:56what are you waiting for?
28:57She said,
28:58I'm waiting for my prince
28:59to come on this white horse
29:00and sweep me off my feet.
29:02I was like,
29:03bitch,
29:03he ain't coming.
29:05No wonder you're so angry.
29:06You need to get some dick.
29:07But she's like,
29:08you know what,
29:08I met a guy,
29:09he might be the one.
29:09I said,
29:09okay,
29:10let me ask about this guy.
29:12Tell me about him.
29:12She said,
29:13well,
29:13his name is Darrell.
29:14He used to play for the NBA,
29:16where he's a size 16 shoe.
29:18I said,
29:18bitch,
29:18do you have a suicide wish?
29:21You don't know how to drive.
29:22It's like passing a driver's test
29:23and going to buy a Hummer.
29:24Go buy a Prius
29:25and learn how to drive
29:26before you die.
29:28And she's like,
29:29you know what,
29:29Jackie,
29:30I'm gonna go slow.
29:30I'm gonna get to know Darrell.
29:31I said,
29:31exactly,
29:32get to know Darrell.
29:33While you get to know him,
29:34give him my card.
29:35Okay?
29:38I've been driving trucks
29:39for 20 years.
29:40That's all I'm saying.
29:41I know what I'm doing.
29:43Here's the thing about
29:44my job,
29:45though.
29:45I'm always fighting
29:46three different girls.
29:48I'm Jackie,
29:49as you guys know me.
29:50My mother still calls me Jacqueline.
29:51But I'm also Jaquisha,
29:53the black girl from the Bronx
29:54that comes out
29:55at the wrong time
29:56at every corporate job.
29:58Secret Santa,
29:59what's a normal amount?
30:0010 bucks,
30:01maybe,
30:01every now and then,
30:0220?
30:03I had a job,
30:04but they raised it to $50.
30:0650!
30:07Jaquisha jumped the buck out.
30:08I said,
30:09$50?
30:10She still got my staple
30:11and fucked the knee,
30:12fucked this company.
30:13My bad.
30:13Was that Jaquisha?
30:15How'd she get here?
30:16I'm sorry,
30:16she's been to jail.
30:17My bad.
30:18I don't know how she got in here.
30:21Oh, my God.
30:23I'm not wearing
30:24any kind of Spanx.
30:25It's just a thong,
30:26a bra,
30:27and the truth.
30:31I tried to put on Spanx
30:32when the whole COVID ended
30:34to go back out
30:35in the streets,
30:35almost fell out the window.
30:37Oh, my God.
30:38They're very tight
30:39out of practice.
30:41Because I'm an actor,
30:42you know,
30:42most comedians are.
30:44What they don't tell you
30:45is what I'm really called
30:46is a fat actor.
30:47That's really the category.
30:49I mean,
30:49when I get emails
30:50from my agents,
30:51they always say,
30:52Jackie,
30:52we're looking for somebody
30:53older,
30:55average-looking,
30:56and experienced.
30:58I email them back
30:59every time.
31:00Who is this for?
31:02I'm not older,
31:04I'm experienced.
31:05Average-looking,
31:06clearly I'm adorable.
31:08All the way,
31:09this is called
31:09voluptuous mocha, Gina.
31:11They email back
31:12every time.
31:13Are you going?
31:13Well, yeah,
31:14I'm gonna be there.
31:14I'll be the first girl there.
31:17I have a mirror.
31:18I'm not crazy.
31:19That's why, you know,
31:19you're being kind of rude
31:20in the emails,
31:21all I'm saying.
31:24Oh, my God.
31:25I gained so much weight
31:26during the pandemic.
31:28Here's what's funny, though.
31:29Women are the biggest liar.
31:30They're like,
31:31oh, my God,
31:32I've gained so much
31:33pandy weight, bitch,
31:34you were a chunky monkey
31:35pre-pandemic.
31:37As was I.
31:38It just got chunkier now.
31:40I hate people
31:41during the pandemic,
31:42those people who are like,
31:43you know what,
31:43during all this,
31:44I pick up CrossFit,
31:46and I'm learning Mandarin,
31:48and now I'm knitting
31:49my car-covered bitch.
31:50I try to give myself
31:51my own tattoos, okay?
31:53I try to pierce shit
31:55that shouldn't be pierced.
31:56Fuck you and your activities
31:57during COVID.
32:00No one should be fatter
32:01when this is done
32:02than white women.
32:04You women started baking
32:05like slaves
32:06when this shit started, okay?
32:08Between the zucchini bread
32:09and the banana bread
32:10and the fucking sourdough
32:12the size of my head,
32:13and I'm looking at your recipes
32:14on TikTok, Stacey,
32:15and she ain't gaining
32:16a goddamn pound.
32:17Fuck you, Stacey.
32:19I grew a third titty
32:21during this pandemic,
32:23and it's made of sourdough,
32:24okay?
32:27It's not fair.
32:28All of my shirts
32:29now fit like jackets.
32:31You know what that means?
32:32I love denim shirts,
32:33and I put on the same
32:35tight-ass small one
32:36from last year.
32:37I had a line of buttons
32:38on this side,
32:39a line of buttons
32:39on this side,
32:40looking at me like,
32:41bitch, you know
32:42we can't close.
32:43You need aerobics.
32:44You need, you need,
32:45uh, what do you need?
32:46Aerobics?
32:47Is that the word?
32:48Cardio.
32:48You need cardio.
32:50I don't even know
32:51the word for exercise.
32:54I said,
32:55what, I don't do it.
32:55What's the word
32:56for moving around quickly?
33:01Oh, my fat ass
33:02don't even know
33:03the terminology
33:03for working out.
33:06I have a lot
33:06of personal trainer friends
33:08who stalk me online.
33:10They're like,
33:11Jackie,
33:11I will work you out
33:12for free.
33:13What do you want
33:14to look like?
33:14I'm like,
33:15I want to look chubby.
33:16Oh, my God.
33:18You're so good.
33:19You should charge.
33:21Because I'm still
33:22in that middle,
33:23I'm in between
33:23the big girl
33:24and the normal sizes,
33:25but when I walk around
33:26the big girl stores,
33:28the big girl mannequins
33:29look at me like,
33:30psst.
33:32Bitch,
33:32one more Snickers
33:33you ain't here with us.
33:33One more Snickers.
33:36You ain't here with us.
33:38Now I got to join
33:39all these programs.
33:40I've done them all before,
33:41but I'm going to keep doing it
33:42until I get, you know,
33:43what I want.
33:44Weight Watchers,
33:44great company,
33:45but there's a lot of rules.
33:48The one rule I can't take
33:49is the weekly weigh-in.
33:50It's always in the front lobby,
33:52in front of the glass storefront,
33:54and the car pulls up,
33:55and you get on the scale,
33:56and then they get mad at me
33:57if I want to get butt naked
33:59at the weigh-in.
34:00When you're at home
34:00and you're wearing
34:01a full fucking outfit,
34:02no.
34:02If you don't want to see
34:03a big naked brown girl
34:04on the front window,
34:05put the scales in the back.
34:06Otherwise, areola's coming out.
34:08Okay?
34:08I got me down 0.2 by tomorrow.
34:10Let's go.
34:13Jenny Craig is good,
34:14but it's expensive.
34:15You got to go there
34:16every week to get
34:17your bag of food,
34:17and it's like always
34:18$100, $200.
34:20Then they're like,
34:21now you got your food from us,
34:22now go to the grocery store
34:24and buy some fruit
34:25and some salad.
34:26Bitch,
34:26I gave you $100.
34:28Go in that employee fridge
34:29and steal somebody's salad
34:30and bring it out here
34:31and give it to me.
34:34Remember how they have body types?
34:35You know,
34:35they said you were
34:36an apple or a pear.
34:38I consider myself
34:40a Tempur-Pedic mattress.
34:42Tempur-Pedic mattress.
34:43I'm safe.
34:44You won't fall off
34:45when you're on me.
34:47Can you balance
34:48a glass of wine
34:49on my belly?
34:49Yes,
34:50because I have tried.
34:52Nice and safe.
34:55I had gallbladder surgery, too,
34:57because I was just
34:57enjoying life too much.
34:59And the doctor's like,
35:00you don't have to have surgery.
35:01You can change your lifestyle.
35:03No more red meat,
35:05no more fried food,
35:06no more alcohol,
35:07no more sugar.
35:08I said,
35:09do you have a scalpel
35:10on you right now?
35:10Go get it right now!
35:13Fucking demons out of my body.
35:14Remove it!
35:15Remove it!
35:16How'd it get in here?
35:17You know what I'm saying?
35:18All the things I like.
35:19Are you crazy?
35:20But here's the thing
35:21about me and all this
35:22weight stuff.
35:23I have an unrealistic
35:24amount of confidence
35:26when it comes to approaching
35:27a really, really,
35:28really hot guy.
35:30Okay?
35:31I'm like,
35:31we're all gonna die.
35:32Fuck it,
35:32he might like this.
35:33He has no idea.
35:35Example,
35:35I had a project
35:36that did not come out.
35:37It was me and Will Smith.
35:39Not alone,
35:40other comics, too,
35:41but Will Smith
35:42is the primary focus
35:43right here, right?
35:44I'm like,
35:44Jackie,
35:45you are a professional person.
35:46When you meet him,
35:48don't act a fool.
35:50You're at work.
35:52He's just a man.
35:54At work,
35:55he walked in the room
35:56to meet me.
35:57Both my nipples fell off.
35:58Oh my God!
35:59Oh my God!
36:00Will!
36:01I ain't no nigga fall off.
36:03My bad,
36:03I'm so sorry.
36:05I was starstruck
36:06and he's a nice guy.
36:08I mean,
36:08a normal,
36:09respectful,
36:10not a superstar,
36:11a really nice guy.
36:12And I got pictures with him.
36:13Of course,
36:14a thousand pictures with him.
36:15I took one,
36:16put it on IG.
36:17Women came for me.
36:19Okay,
36:19they were like,
36:20Jackie,
36:20he is happily married.
36:22And first of all,
36:23I have heard for years
36:24that he has an open marriage.
36:26This is not new.
36:27I know he had some drama,
36:28but years ago.
36:29And when I met him
36:30and I got over the starstruckness,
36:33I approached him with,
36:34I hear you have open marriage energy.
36:36Okay?
36:37I shouldn't have,
36:38but I did.
36:40Remember when I'm like,
36:41Jackie,
36:41he is with Jada.
36:43They are happily married.
36:44And what if you have to go through Jada
36:46to get to Will?
36:47I said,
36:48bitch,
36:48I will fuck his whole family.
36:49Are you crazy?
36:50They're all gorgeous.
36:52Jada can get it.
36:52Her mama can get it.
36:54His oldest son can get it.
36:55Both of those kids,
36:56and they're not kids.
36:56I googled it.
36:57They are grownups.
36:58I'm not a pedophile.
36:59I will fuck his whole family.
37:02I did the research.
37:05Like all of the Wayans comedians,
37:07I know them all,
37:08most of them,
37:09and they're in my age group
37:10when they don't have wives.
37:11Why not?
37:12I'll marry a Wayans.
37:13I'll fuck a Wayans.
37:15I recently met Chris Rock.
37:17He's been out there
37:18and, you know,
37:18late nights saying,
37:19I'm ready to date.
37:20I'm ready for a girlfriend.
37:21I met him.
37:22I'm like,
37:22hey.
37:28He's like,
37:29no,
37:29we can't.
37:30We can't.
37:31If 56-year-old Chris Rock
37:33dated a fat,
37:34black,
37:3550-year-old comic,
37:36he'd be a fucking legend,
37:38okay?
37:38There'd be a statue made of him,
37:40and he'd get a Mark Twain prize now.
37:43But I know
37:44what these guys look for.
37:46That's the whole thing.
37:46I understand that.
37:47I know where this confidence comes from.
37:49When you join Weight Watchers,
37:50you get an app on your phone
37:51like Facebook.
37:52I'm not going to lie, though.
37:53It's a depressing place.
37:54Ladies are on there
37:55with their pictures,
37:56self-deprecation,
37:57but in a sad way.
37:58They're like,
37:58I hate my body.
37:59I want to die.
38:00I don't love myself.
38:01I'm like,
38:01hey,
38:02you are beautiful
38:03and worthy
38:04in the body you have, right?
38:05You don't lose weight
38:05and then get confidence.
38:06You are hot
38:07and worthy
38:08and bangable
38:08in the body you have right now.
38:10That's the way it was.
38:13That's why.
38:17That is why I tell men all the time,
38:18if you want to hit this,
38:20come hit this now.
38:21Okay?
38:22Because when I hit my goal weight,
38:23you're not going to be good enough
38:24for me anymore.
38:25So I'm getting it now
38:26while my standard is a little bit lower.
38:28You know what I'm saying?
38:31Because back in the day,
38:32if you had caught me
38:32in my 20s and 30s
38:33and said,
38:34Jackie,
38:34would you give so-and-so
38:36a blowjob
38:37for a job,
38:39for work,
38:40for a role in a movie?
38:4120s and 30s,
38:42I'd have been like,
38:43of course not.
38:44I'm a woman of character.
38:45I would never.
38:47Now at 50,
38:49I'd be like,
38:51whose dick is it?
38:54I'm just saying,
38:55I want background.
38:56Let's give me some background.
38:57That's all I'm saying.
39:01Oh, God.
39:03I, um,
39:04I want to rant like gossip
39:06for a second.
39:07The whole J-Lo and Ben Affleck,
39:09oh, you know,
39:09we've been watching this?
39:10Ah!
39:11Who loves it on the low?
39:13Who low-key?
39:13Like, I'm loving those?
39:14Thank you!
39:16He's on a video today on IG.
39:18They're kissing in Miami.
39:19Oh, my God.
39:20I watch it 300 times.
39:22Okay.
39:23First of all,
39:23I'm a huge J-Lo fan.
39:25I fucking love her.
39:26Bronx, Bronx.
39:26I just adore her.
39:27And I like the fact
39:28that she left A-Rod.
39:30I like, fuck A-Rod.
39:31I mean,
39:31you're a nice guy,
39:32I'm sure.
39:33But he's gone.
39:34I'm glad he's gone.
39:35A-Rod is just corny to me.
39:36He was very close
39:37to being the first
39:38Latino MyPillow guy.
39:39I swear to God.
39:41Was he not?
39:43He's very close
39:44to selling frying pans
39:46on QVC.
39:47He's not the one,
39:48J-Lo.
39:49That's all I'm saying.
39:51In that video,
39:52that video of her
39:53and Ben kissing,
39:54people lost their mind.
39:56Like, how?
39:56And her son was in the video.
39:58He popped in
39:59and popped out.
39:59And they were like,
40:00how can you make out
40:01with a new boyfriend,
40:02new-ish,
40:03in front of your boyfriend?
40:05You can make out
40:05with your boyfriend
40:06in front of your kids
40:07if he's fucking Batman.
40:10He's Batman.
40:11Yes, you can make out
40:12with your boyfriend
40:13if he's Batman.
40:14And you got,
40:15I see your faces like,
40:16Jackie,
40:17Batman is not real.
40:19Neither are J-Lo's relationship.
40:21But we're having a good time.
40:22We're having fun.
40:24Just enjoy it.
40:26Side note, sorry.
40:27I just love J-Lo.
40:27I want to talk about it.
40:28Because I don't really date.
40:30I really,
40:30I don't like the whole,
40:31the awkwardness
40:32and the fakeness.
40:33I'd rather just play around
40:34until I fall in love.
40:36I'm a happy single girl.
40:37I'm an oxymoron.
40:38I'm actually happy
40:39and single,
40:40not married.
40:41We'll get to that later.
40:42But I'm happy
40:42and I'm not married.
40:43A lot of girls are like,
40:44they're not happy
40:45and they're not with someone.
40:46I'm like,
40:46my girlfriends are like,
40:47you like going around?
40:49Just banging dudes
40:50you don't know?
40:52Yeah.
40:53I thought it was called
40:54being single.
40:55Why are you judging?
40:56I don't understand.
40:59I've done online dating.
41:00Who here has done
41:01online dating?
41:02Online dating is awesome.
41:03I used to do it.
41:04I met a guy online.
41:06We saw like three movies
41:07in a week.
41:08I said,
41:08when are you and I
41:08going to stop watching movies
41:09and start making some?
41:10I'm kind of bored.
41:12He said,
41:12you're a nice lady
41:13and want to be a gentleman.
41:14I said,
41:15who the hell
41:15told you to do that?
41:17He said,
41:18you're the kind of girl
41:18I can marry.
41:19I said,
41:19I met you
41:20on hotchocolatelust.com.
41:23You are not my soulmate.
41:24That's why I...
41:27But here's how
41:27I got through
41:29the pandemic.
41:30I accidentally
41:30got in a really
41:31serious relationship
41:33when it started.
41:35Because COVID
41:35cut down
41:36for single girls,
41:37cut down hoeing.
41:38Cut down hoeing,
41:39cut down booty calls,
41:41cut down,
41:41you know,
41:41handling your stuff
41:42discreetly.
41:43So they're like,
41:44you can't date.
41:44Don't talk.
41:45I'm like,
41:45I'm not going to be alone
41:46for a year.
41:46Somebody love me.
41:47So I found someone
41:48who I've known
41:49for a long time.
41:50But I told him
41:51so many lies
41:53to make him think
41:54that I am
41:54the quarantine wife
41:55you want.
41:57I said,
41:58look,
41:58I am a domestic goddess.
42:00I cook every meal
42:02from scratch.
42:03And I grow
42:04my own vegetables.
42:07All the lies.
42:08None of that true.
42:11Because somehow
42:12I found a unicorn
42:12black man
42:13who actually does
42:14cook and garden.
42:15So we're having dinner
42:16and he made me
42:16a veggie salad
42:17and then he pulled
42:18out a cucumber.
42:19Not his dick,
42:19a real cucumber.
42:20I'm like,
42:21what's this?
42:21He said,
42:22you and I should
42:22garden together.
42:23I'm like,
42:24why?
42:24Because I'm prepared.
42:26He made these stacks
42:27of greens
42:27that had the roots.
42:29Gave me one stack.
42:30He said,
42:30yo,
42:30bring this home
42:31and plant it.
42:32I'll plant mine
42:33at the same time
42:33so we can watch
42:34them grow together
42:35as a couple.
42:36I'm like,
42:37oh my God,
42:38I lied to you.
42:39I'd rather catch COVID.
42:40Look at these nails.
42:41Are you crazy?
42:42I do not garden.
42:45I really have the strength
42:47to shower every Friday.
42:48We're in a pandemic.
42:49I'm not going to
42:50plant asparagus.
42:52You want me and you
42:53to be Martha Stewart
42:54with a Snoop Dogg?
42:55Guess what?
42:55You're Martha.
42:56I'm Snoop.
42:56I don't do any of that shit.
42:58I lied to you.
42:59My God,
42:59my bad.
43:01Ain't none of that true.
43:03I barely know him
43:04and that's why
43:05I met him in our 20s
43:07but I was away,
43:08I was married,
43:08all this kind of crap.
43:09That's how it works
43:10because when you snoop
43:12and try to figure out
43:12a guy's background,
43:14what do you find, ladies?
43:15A family in Virginia.
43:16Exactly.
43:17So I do not research
43:18anything.
43:19If God wants to remove him,
43:21remove it
43:21because here's the problem
43:23we're kind of having now.
43:26He's jealous.
43:27He's a very jealous guy.
43:28I thought that would be hot.
43:29It's not.
43:30Here's the thing.
43:31During the quarantine,
43:32what did he and I do
43:33for a year?
43:34Sex, drinking, smoking.
43:36It was amazing
43:36slash horrible,
43:37of course, COVID.
43:38And I said,
43:38look,
43:39when I go back to work,
43:40you should know
43:41it's usually me
43:42around nothing but dudes.
43:43And these dudes
43:44are my friends
43:45and they're 40,
43:4545 years old
43:46and up.
43:47Boyfriend's also 50.
43:48I said,
43:49when I go back to work,
43:50this is my environment.
43:51He's like,
43:52Jackie,
43:52I'm afraid I'm not enough
43:53for you.
43:54And when you go back
43:55to work,
43:55you will cheat on me
43:56and one of these guys.
43:57I said,
43:58you think if I get side dick,
44:00he's going to also
44:01be a 50-year-old man?
44:05I said,
44:05if I get side dick,
44:06he's going to be
44:06half your age,
44:07you fool.
44:09Having two boyfriends
44:10that are both 50,
44:12that's like having
44:12two part-time jobs
44:13and they're both
44:14at Subway.
44:14What the fuck?
44:16You ain't got no goals,
44:17bitch.
44:17You don't want to
44:19dream bigger than that?
44:21I'm that true boyfriend
44:21with fucking bad back
44:23and sleep apnea
44:24and cross-state problems.
44:25I want a younger,
44:26faster, bigger,
44:27stronger, harder man.
44:28Okay?
44:29I'm not an idiot.
44:31She's there, right?
44:33I'm like,
44:34hell yeah,
44:34you understand.
44:36He just bought
44:37DJ equipment.
44:39Yeah,
44:40at 50 years old.
44:41I got to walk around
44:43the ghost of DJ's past
44:44to go lay down
44:45because he had
44:45all the equipment
44:46in the bedroom.
44:48I got to walk around
44:49Grandmaster Flash's
44:50grave site
44:50to go get laid.
44:54But the reason why
44:55I'm so in there,
44:56if I can be honest
44:57with you guys,
44:58just keep it real,
44:59he's hot.
45:01That's almost it.
45:04You know why?
45:04My whole life,
45:05I would always date
45:06the really great guy
45:07with the great job
45:08and he loved God,
45:10took care of his kids
45:11and I would cheat
45:11on every good guy.
45:12They are boring.
45:13Like, this guy
45:14is the bad guy
45:15and I am having
45:16a great time.
45:17We are having
45:17a great time
45:18because his dick
45:20is the size
45:20of a universal remote.
45:24Not the one
45:25you get for freezing
45:25table,
45:26the one you got
45:26to go to Best Buy
45:27and get that big one
45:28with the buttons.
45:29You don't know
45:29how they work?
45:30That one.
45:30That's the one.
45:31Won't he do it?
45:32God is good all the time.
45:33All the time God is good.
45:36I barely know him
45:37and I'm having fun.
45:38He has a daughter.
45:39She's either four
45:40or 14.
45:41I have no fucking idea.
45:42I have no fucking idea.
45:43I'm not going to raise her.
45:45I'm not.
45:47He's like,
45:48Jackie,
45:48you'd be a great role model
45:49for my daughter.
45:50I'm like,
45:50I have been drinking
45:51since 10 o'clock yesterday.
45:53That can't be nobody's mentor
45:54in a fucking pandemic.
45:59All the time together
46:00that I realized
46:00that it was too much time.
46:03I was on his couch
46:04like the 19th day in a row.
46:07When the pandemic first started,
46:09he'd look at me
46:09and say things like,
46:10do you have any idea
46:12how beautiful you are,
46:13how beautiful your smile is?
46:15Now he's like,
46:17are those all your real teeth?
46:19So,
46:21I went back home after that.
46:22That was too much time.
46:24Now,
46:25here are my new philosophies
46:26and rules
46:27at being 50 or almost.
46:31The term cougar,
46:32I don't like.
46:33I don't like the term cougar.
46:34I think it's offensive.
46:36When a man calls me that,
46:37I'm hearing you tell me
46:38you can't please me.
46:40Because when you date men
46:41who are 40 and out,
46:42they have adult children.
46:43I had one guy
46:44kept calling me a cougar.
46:45He had a son
46:46who was 25 and hot.
46:48He was 45.
46:49I said,
46:49if you call me a cougar
46:50one more time,
46:51I'm going to fuck your son.
46:54Okay?
46:55That could be your girlfriend
46:57or your daughter-in-law.
46:58You decide.
46:58Is that true?
46:59Just don't call me names.
47:01That's all I'm saying.
47:01Don't call me names.
47:02I realized I don't like
47:04adult toy shops
47:06in L.A.
47:06compared to here.
47:08They are very different.
47:09Okay?
47:10In New York,
47:10a sex shop is a secret.
47:12You don't tell anybody
47:12you're going.
47:13You go at midnight.
47:14It's in the village.
47:15It's underground.
47:16You gotta wear a ski mask.
47:17You gotta have a password.
47:18You gotta give a hand stamp,
47:20a urine sample.
47:20It's fucking private.
47:22In L.A.,
47:23these sex shops
47:23are glass storefronts.
47:25Like shoe stores.
47:26Merchandized in the window.
47:28I went in one time.
47:29They had a DJ.
47:31They had a basket.
47:32Are we in Target?
47:33What the hell is going on in here?
47:35When you walk
47:35and customer service attacks you,
47:37they're like,
47:37can I help you?
47:38Oh my God,
47:38you can see me?
47:42Because I already had
47:43a vibrator in my hand
47:44that ties up a toaster
47:45that was diesel-powered.
47:46You know what I want you
47:47in my business, ma'am?
47:49They get to the cashier.
47:50They want your email
47:51so they can send you sales.
47:52I don't want no email
47:53for this nasty-ass merchandise.
47:56How about this?
47:57Email DianaRoss
47:58at gmail.com.
47:59Email her.
48:00Do not email me.
48:04I have a lot
48:04of Caucasian girlfriends.
48:06The difference between
48:06my white girlfriends
48:07and my black girlfriends
48:08are huge
48:09because my black girlfriends,
48:10I feel like they're repressed.
48:11They don't talk about sex.
48:13We're kind of shy about it.
48:14We keep it kind of private.
48:16White girls,
48:16the ultimate,
48:17over-sharers.
48:18Oh my God.
48:19My white girlfriend,
48:20I was like,
48:21look,
48:21my boyfriend wants
48:22to watch porn together
48:24as a couple.
48:25And she was like,
48:26porn?
48:28That's how I bought this house.
48:29Want to see some of mine?
48:30No, no, no, no, no.
48:32No, I just want advice.
48:34The fuck?
48:39You know what's different now
48:40with men and dating?
48:41It's hard to,
48:42it's hard to get choked
48:43during sex.
48:46Is that too much?
48:47Is that,
48:47I didn't have any segue
48:48to transition?
48:50Because you know what?
48:51Most men are afraid of,
48:52you know,
48:52jail.
48:56Back in the day,
48:57they could rough you up
48:58and everything would be okay,
48:59but now,
48:59I asked my boyfriend
49:00for a little bit of choking
49:01during sex recently.
49:03And he's behind me.
49:04I'm in okay position.
49:05He's behind me.
49:06Perfect.
49:06His hand came around,
49:08but then it ended up
49:09in like a nice little gentle
49:10cuddle like this.
49:12I'm like,
49:13you don't know the difference,
49:14there's a difference
49:15between cuddle and choke.
49:16You're not doing it right.
49:19I was,
49:21I'm not ashamed to admit
49:22that with the dating problems
49:24and wondering about men,
49:25if somebody were to ask me,
49:26Jackie,
49:26you know,
49:27are you gay?
49:27My answer usually,
49:29not yet.
49:29Not yet.
49:31Not yet.
49:32I'm still working on it.
49:34I'm still trying to find
49:34something in this area.
49:36I tried to be gay
49:37for a semester in college.
49:38Anybody else try
49:39a woman in free college?
49:40Way in the back.
49:42I had to leave
49:43because first of all,
49:44women's bodies,
49:45very hard to figure out.
49:46There are a lot of hills,
49:48valleys, dark holes.
49:49Put my hand in the wrong hole,
49:50lost my glass ring,
49:51a good watch.
49:52You gotta be careful.
49:57Women, we talk a lot.
49:58We're very emotional.
49:59I try another time
50:00and she wouldn't shut up.
50:03The whole time she's like,
50:04oh my God, what are you thinking?
50:07How do you feel?
50:09What do you think?
50:09I think I'm going to go back
50:10to dick.
50:11Oh my God.
50:12Is this what it's like,
50:13gentlemen?
50:13Jesus Christ.
50:18I got a text today
50:19from a guy
50:20that I had a one-nighter with
50:23and isn't it funny
50:24how you text men back faster
50:25if you know they had a big dick?
50:29Let's keep it real.
50:30This is the church side.
50:31Let's talk to this side.
50:32This side is like,
50:33Lord, have mercy.
50:34Thank you, Jesus.
50:35And this side is like,
50:36dicks, yes!
50:40I'm not going to cheat
50:41on my boyfriend.
50:42I love him.
50:42But you know,
50:43whenever you get a text
50:44from a dick that size,
50:45you have to hit him back quickly
50:47because, you know,
50:48you have to be kind.
50:49You don't know.
50:50In the future,
50:51you gotta keep your bases covered.
50:54I'm not going to be alone again.
50:55I'm not going to...
50:55I can't do it anymore.
50:56In L.A.,
50:57I did not get laid at all.
50:59I have the most underutilized pussy
51:01in the state of California.
51:03I'm ashamed.
51:04They would not have sex.
51:06These men out there
51:06are so consumed
51:07with the business.
51:08But here in New York,
51:10I love the way
51:10guys are kind of gangster.
51:12Like, weed being legal here
51:13is great for my boyfriend
51:14because when he was going
51:16to get weed,
51:17I'm like,
51:17go get him some weed.
51:18He put on a black tracksuit,
51:19a ski mask.
51:20What the fuck?
51:21I don't want meth.
51:21I want marijuana.
51:22Where are you going?
51:24We free, Curtis Blow.
51:25You're not gonna do this no more.
51:26What's wrong with you?
51:29When a guy asks me,
51:31how many men
51:32have you made love to
51:33before me?
51:34I'll tell them the number,
51:35but I'm going to use
51:36creative counting.
51:39Okay?
51:39This is how I do it.
51:40If you and I have only
51:41had sex in a car,
51:43you don't count.
51:44It's dangerous.
51:45We all could die.
51:46Okay?
51:48If you and I have only done it
51:50in your mom's house,
51:52you're a loser
51:53and in privacy
51:55because I'm a screamer.
51:56You understand.
51:57Okay?
51:58If you and I have only
51:59had sex in my house,
52:02you homeless.
52:04And I'm not gonna bone
52:06somebody homeless
52:08knowingly.
52:09Okay?
52:10Most importantly,
52:11if you have never
52:12given me an orgasm,
52:14you don't count.
52:15Because my motto is...
52:17Yeah, go ahead
52:18and clap that.
52:20That is so deep.
52:23Because my motto is,
52:24if I don't come,
52:25you don't count.
52:26It's on the back of my car.
52:26That's my Biden sticker.
52:27If I don't come,
52:28you don't go.
52:28No, that's nasty.
52:29I wouldn't do that.
52:30That's gross.
52:32The walk of shame.
52:33Never subscribe to that.
52:35I don't understand.
52:36What's the walk?
52:37I call it the walk of pride.
52:39When I get laid,
52:40I would have my purse
52:41like a baton
52:42walking out the house
52:42like, yay!
52:44That's who got some,
52:45Mr. Mayor Mayor.
52:46What's up?
52:47I don't know
52:48why we're ashamed
52:48to get laid.
52:51What's funny
52:51that I recently asked
52:52my boyfriend
52:53to watch porn.
52:55You know what's funny?
52:56I'm like,
52:56you picked the category.
52:58I'm like,
52:58you have lead.
52:59Pick whatever you're into.
53:00That could have been
53:01anything.
53:02He picked Black BBW.
53:06I said,
53:06you want to watch us fuck?
53:09Turn the mirror around.
53:10Why are we going online?
53:12And every movie I played out looked like me,
53:14it looked like me.
53:15I'm like, you have a fat girl fetish.
53:16You just into this?
53:19Oh, God, it's just a...
53:23I'm a feminist, clearly.
53:25I'm trying to do what men do, what he does at this age.
53:27I can do whatever men do.
53:29Because he's been a weed smoker since he was like four.
53:32And I'm like, I can smoke what you smoke.
53:34So he made me smoke what he smoked
53:35to show me that I can't.
53:37He rolled it, I had a puff at his dinner table.
53:40I got up to go to the bathroom.
53:41I stopped in the hallway to lay down to take a nap.
53:44You understand how high you gotta be
53:46to need rest immediately?
53:49But one of the real reasons why I left L.A.,
53:51if I were to be real with you guys,
53:53I was getting high too often.
53:55The weed was everywhere, I was enjoying the release
53:57and not being all in my head all the time, first time.
54:00So that's probably why I moved.
54:01Because in L.A., they have pre-rolls.
54:04Mystery pre-roll.
54:05You don't know what the hell is in them.
54:06It could be PCP acid crack.
54:08You don't know what's in them.
54:10I had two pre-rolls and me and this guy
54:12I was dating at the time were in my apartment
54:14smoking these mystery pre-rolls.
54:16A level of high, I can't even explain.
54:19All the lights were off, the room is dark.
54:21He's on the couch, I'm sitting on his lap straddling him.
54:24We're about to, you know, right?
54:27And we're in the middle of it, we're so high.
54:30But when I tell you I got so high,
54:31I was straddling him, he was inside of me.
54:34I got so high, in the middle of the whole thing,
54:36I was like, who is this?
54:46I'm looking around in the dark for clues.
54:48I'm like, where are his sneakers?
54:50Is he wearing a hat?
54:52Where are his keys?
54:54You know how high you gotta be to be like,
54:57whose dick is this?
54:59And then you're like, did I consent?
55:02God damn it, I don't have time for court.
55:03I hope this is okay.
55:05And then the lights come on, we're done.
55:07And I'm like, whoo, thank God, I think it's you.
55:09It could've gone really badly for you.
55:11Thank God I knew who you were.
55:12Jesus Christ, that was scary.
55:17So with all the lights off with him and I,
55:19I didn't have to make my normal announcement.
55:21I can only do.
55:22When you're my age, 50, your body changes, all right?
55:25So I have to let men know that, you know,
55:27I now have a salt and pepper fun box.
55:32She said to the Jamaican, uh-uh, I heard that.
55:34I heard it, uh-uh.
55:36So now I have to let new boyfriends know
55:38before the unveiling to get them ready
55:42so they know from the belly button down,
55:44I'm Morgan Freeman.
55:47Anybody wanna watch a movie, Shawshank 7, Florida?
55:53I wanna make a request for the gentlemen, some advice.
55:58If you know that a blow job is a blow job,
56:01is not your thing,
56:03that is not the way you climax,
56:05can you please tell a bitch?
56:10Your lady is down there bobbing for apples
56:12for fucking hours.
56:14The sun has gone down.
56:15I wanna see my, I wanna check my email,
56:17see my family again, I wanna eat.
56:19I had a full flat eye when we started.
56:21It's a full curly afro now.
56:23You don't see that vein in my forehead about to pop out?
56:25If you don't come this way, tell me!
56:31Finally, I'm gonna ask guys,
56:33stop asking questions during sex.
56:36You're very inquisitive at very weird times.
56:41This guy, we're making love, and he was like,
56:43um, Jackie, who fucks you like I do?
56:49I was like, Derrick, James, Jeff,
56:53they're all the same.
56:54I'm Jackie Fabulous, guys, thank you so much.
56:59We got continuity, thank you so much.
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