- 6 weeks ago
James must move in with his girlfriend of three months after being evicted from his place, and soon he discovers that he doesn't want to be with her any more. His hope is to get her to break up with him but still let him sleep on the couch..
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Short filmTranscript
00:00:00Transcription by CastingWords
00:00:30CastingWords
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00:01:29CastingWords
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00:02:09because I spent all my money trying to impress my new girlfriend and I bought
00:02:13the sweet-ass TV not my fault oh it's not your fault so it's okay well if it's
00:02:17not your fault uh whose fault would it be rappers they make it hard for us
00:02:23regular guys whatever you're the dumbass who spent all your money on someone you
00:02:27met three months ago what part of take it slow didn't make sense nothing you say
00:02:32makes sense besides I refuse to take advice from somebody's
00:02:35dating mr. Rogers you're dating mr. Rogers okay does he switch from his blazer to a
00:02:40sweater when you guys start to do it yeah he also has a milk carton village in
00:02:44his living room we play with it it's really hot fine if mr. Rogers doesn't
00:02:49want to be my neighbor I'll just do my time here at Shawshank Redemption 2 and
00:02:53get my own place again dude you really think you're gonna get your own place
00:02:56again man they don't call out the old ball and chain for nothing what are you
00:02:59talking about talking about what she's gonna do to you in there man what am I
00:03:02gonna do to him Kim disappear out of the thin air was a professor X mad when you
00:03:10left the X-Men yes he was now what am I gonna do to him for starters you probably
00:03:15cut his penis off and use it as a really small shake weight you know take that
00:03:23big boys neighborhood it is going down man relationships do they work is it
00:03:31better to be single you're miserable yet right bedroom already has a TV a lot of
00:03:36people that say hey you know I'm in a relationship what should I do what's
00:03:39a pink TV yeah and it matches everything else in the room
00:03:43help you who's in the neighborhood hey what's going on guys what's happening
00:03:46who this is Rick Rick what's going on Rick how you doing Rick oh my god you guys check
00:03:52out all the pink and shit pink is my favorite color color vaginas actually
00:03:59smells like vagina in here you guys are yeah
00:04:02thanks oh good luck with your wife not my wife she wasn't trying to dress you no
00:04:20dude she wasn't trying to dress me or nothing yeah she was just like oh that's so
00:04:23cool everything was compliments in the beginning right have you changed Rick have
00:04:28you changed in that year I don't think I've changed so do you think that would
00:04:32like right now with a year later what I'm packing I'm packing yeah Jesus
00:04:45sorry I couldn't hold it in any longer why didn't you spit in your own hair
00:04:51you know what I feel more comfortable with you already this is gonna be fun
00:05:02right mm-hmm all right I'm going to bed give me a kiss
00:05:05oh can I get a better kiss than that
00:05:21okay that's enough you have to get up early tomorrow what why we do chores on
00:05:28Sundays I thought we sleep late and watch football on Sundays you do not Sundays
00:05:34for chores you don't sleep late and watch football ever ever can you turn TV off
00:05:41can I leave it on I like to sleep with the TV on just turn it off okay I'll turn it
00:05:47down real low in the bathroom light if you're done thanks can we compromise
00:05:53as you know it is now over I get the bill
00:05:58yeah good enough for your girlfriend that sounds great thank you thank you man so
00:06:03you are now anointed as a single man
00:06:17big boys neighborhood it is going down man relationships man do they work are you better
00:06:46off being single we've been talking about a man and we got someone that felt
00:06:50like it was it was so necessary to just come up into the neighborhood and be
00:06:54helped with this problem man now your name is James how you doing James man
00:06:59what's so bad about your relationship James well she is the Antichrist Wow oh
00:07:06yeah man you want to be careful about dating the Antichrist man we heard about
00:07:09that yeah working all righty now so this is what we're gonna do you're done so if we
00:07:15call her up is it okay to call her up please so do you want me to handle it
00:07:19because I can handle the breakup for you do y'all live together now that's the
00:07:22that's the issue okay I don't have anywhere else to go unless I can stay with you no
00:07:26no you're not gonna stay with me but I'm gonna break up for you but I still ask you to leave
00:07:30I still want to live with her though what come on now James man just walked in here we could do
00:07:38a blood test benefits thing or new benefits you want to break up with her but you still want to
00:07:45sleep on our couch yes all right do you want me to tell her that yes okay all right
00:07:49you don't want to be homeless all right all right do me a favor brother do me a favor if you write
00:07:55down the name her name why are you on the couch James why are you on the couch
00:08:11because it's softer than the floor must have fell asleep with the TV on what the snoring
00:08:36can you uh this TV in the closet and take out the trash please
00:08:42it's chore day
00:09:00is it better to be single
00:09:16it's not full yet yeah well they're still trashing it it still needs to be empty it's empty just
00:09:43this has one banana peel and some tissue that is gross you spit in my hand last night that
00:09:51wasn't gross to you that was that was fine this is gross can you just take out the trash and that
00:09:58box needs to go as well please
00:10:14oh my god what is that is it alive no silly it died when i shaved it off my body wow that's disgusting what i
00:10:24haven't shaved in a while i don't know what's the big deal i mean i just thought that since we'd be
00:10:29living together that we'd eventually you know
00:10:32have sex well yeah coming
00:10:48smells so good in here okay all right we'll come in the bathroom when you're done okay okay
00:10:54okay
00:11:04ever
00:11:04ever
00:11:06ever
00:11:18ever
00:11:20It's Sunday, Sunday chore day, oh you guys didn't know, yeah I didn't know either until
00:11:49last night, just found out, I was kind of planning on watching the game with my friends today but no, I'm here
00:11:55James!
00:11:55Getting banana peels out of frickin' trash cans.
00:11:58James, stop!
00:11:59What?
00:12:00No, it's Troy Day, it's Troy Day.
00:12:01It's okay Tony, yeah I know it's sad, but don't cry, that's stupid, okay?
00:12:05What we can do is, you can stop crying with the little bitch and go to the store and get
00:12:09me some op and go and then we can all clean together.
00:12:11How about that?
00:12:12What?
00:12:13James, Tanny's grandmother just died, Shauna and I are trying to console her.
00:12:18Who is this?
00:12:19I'm going slow man.
00:12:20Let's go on slow.
00:12:21What do you got there, pal?
00:12:22Ah, come on, come on.
00:12:23Reds.
00:12:24Reds.
00:12:25What are you doing?
00:12:26What are you doing?
00:12:27What are you doing?
00:12:31What are you doing?
00:12:36What are you doing?
00:12:41What are you doing?
00:12:45She doesn't say bless you when I sneeze, doesn't let me watch TV in bed,
00:13:15and she makes me do chores. She's like an unpleasant, non-seeing Mary Poppins.
00:13:21Mmm, I told you this was gonna happen.
00:13:23And she snores like a velociraptor. And the first night that we spend together,
00:13:27I gotta sleep on the couch because of it.
00:13:29Uh, wait. You've never spent the night together before?
00:13:32Nope. You know, I used to think that she was just being old-fashioned.
00:13:37Now I think that she was just trying to M. Night Shyamalan me with a sucky twist at the end.
00:13:43Oh, come over here and help me move that.
00:13:45Baby, we don't need no pine-outs.
00:13:46No, how much are these?
00:13:47Thirty dollars.
00:13:49What are you gonna do to pine-out?
00:13:50That's too much. That's way too much.
00:13:52You came here for something else, you know?
00:13:53What about this? There.
00:13:56Maybe I just need time to work the kinks out.
00:13:59It's too bad you don't have an apartment to go back to.
00:14:02It's too bad people don't like you because your face is ugly.
00:14:04You're married to Miss Piggy, and I'm awesome.
00:14:07Exactly.
00:14:08So we're not broke, okay?
00:14:10No, we are.
00:14:11All right.
00:14:11She doesn't know it.
00:14:12She's living this life that she doesn't know right now.
00:14:13No, we're not broke.
00:14:14Well, this one's 300.
00:14:16Wow.
00:14:17That's 300?
00:14:17But guess what?
00:14:19I'm gonna go.
00:14:19Uh-huh.
00:14:20This guy right here, he's the ring expert.
00:14:22Mr. Tall Guy, we need your help, man.
00:14:24I'm assuming this is your first day.
00:14:25Yeah.
00:14:25You wanna come?
00:14:27Tall Guy.
00:14:28Saved my day.
00:14:29All right.
00:14:30All right.
00:14:31Cool.
00:14:31Thank you, man.
00:14:32Great.
00:14:33Doesn't look like he knows much either.
00:14:34This guy's great.
00:14:36So how much is this one?
00:14:37Which one?
00:14:38This one right here.
00:14:39Oh no, I don't like that one.
00:14:42How much?
00:14:43It's ugly.
00:14:46It's 300.
00:14:47You are so cheap.
00:14:49Wait till I tell my mother that you bought my engagement ring in a stuff shop.
00:14:53Okay.
00:14:55So you two lovebirds getting married?
00:14:57Oh yeah, we just had a baby.
00:14:59You are the father.
00:15:01Mm-hmm.
00:15:02Oh, we're gonna be a family now.
00:15:03Congratulations.
00:15:05Mari can kiss my ass.
00:15:06You shouldn't talk about Mari like that because he's a great guy.
00:15:10Wow.
00:15:10He's so great.
00:15:11I want you to have him be the father of your child, huh?
00:15:13Yeah.
00:15:13Of course you would say that.
00:15:14You would.
00:15:15He's taken.
00:15:16Okay.
00:15:17But if I could have chose to have him make love to me in the bathroom stall of Chuck E.
00:15:20Cheese instead of you, I would have.
00:15:21Wow.
00:15:22Whatever.
00:15:23Yeah, whatever.
00:15:24I'm gonna take this one.
00:15:25It's ugly.
00:15:26Well, it matches your face, honey.
00:15:27James and Kim are so perfect strangers.
00:15:43Hmm.
00:15:44No.
00:15:45More like Laverne and Shirley.
00:15:47More like Mork and Mindy.
00:15:48James, you're so Mindy, by the way.
00:15:49No.
00:15:50We haven't had sex.
00:15:52What?
00:15:53What?
00:15:53What?
00:15:54Dude, so you're living with a girl.
00:15:56That's your girlfriend and you're not having sex with her.
00:16:00No.
00:16:01She says that she's still feeling me out.
00:16:04I don't get it.
00:16:05What does that mean?
00:16:06Yeah, I don't get it either.
00:16:07Like, I'm a girl and I don't get that.
00:16:09Whatevs, man.
00:16:10You know, you're trying something different.
00:16:11Cool.
00:16:13Thought you were gonna make fun of me.
00:16:15I'm not gonna do that to your face.
00:16:19Yeah, well, at least I got a roof over my head because nobody else would take me in.
00:16:22Dude, if you're gonna live with her, you've got to get the sex thing out of the way.
00:16:27Trust me, sexual tension in your living situation is not gonna make it any more comfortable.
00:16:33But she's not ready, okay?
00:16:37How do I make her ready?
00:16:39Nurture her.
00:16:40What the hell is that?
00:16:41Sex move?
00:16:43No.
00:16:45But it can lead to it.
00:16:49Really?
00:16:52Okay, um, nurture how.
00:17:03Faith.
00:17:04Hey.
00:17:05What up?
00:17:07Did you forget your key?
00:17:08No.
00:17:08Uh, well, yeah, maybe.
00:17:11Yep, I forgot my key.
00:17:12That's what I did.
00:17:14Oh, are those for me?
00:17:15Those?
00:17:16No, no.
00:17:18They are for the best girlfriend in the world.
00:17:21Oh, wait.
00:17:23That is you.
00:17:29Aww.
00:17:31They're beautiful.
00:17:33Well, guess what the best girlfriend in the world did for you today?
00:17:37She put my TV in the bedroom.
00:17:38No.
00:17:39It's so much better than that.
00:17:41Come on, let me show you.
00:17:42What could be better than that?
00:17:43Close your eyes.
00:17:47Okay, open them.
00:17:50Ta-da!
00:17:52Nice takeout.
00:17:53Man, you put it on the good plates.
00:17:55No.
00:17:56I cooked it.
00:17:58Nuh-uh.
00:17:59Yeah.
00:18:00I just wanted to make up for the rocky start we had.
00:18:02You know, just make everything perfect.
00:18:05Sorry, Kermie.
00:18:06Yeah, I'm sorry too.
00:18:14I don't think it's our fault though, you know?
00:18:16It's just...
00:18:18It's a crazy situation.
00:18:20Maybe we need to put on some slow music one night and nurture each other a bunch of times.
00:18:26Then we'll be fine.
00:18:30Thanks for cooking me dinner.
00:18:31And thank you for the eight, nine, ten roses.
00:18:40There's only ten roses here?
00:18:41You're welcome.
00:18:42So, I'm not worth a full dozen?
00:18:45Well, no.
00:18:47Nope.
00:18:47I did the math and you only added up to about ten.
00:18:55Sorry.
00:18:59I'm joking.
00:18:59I'm joking.
00:19:01Seriously?
00:19:03Okay.
00:19:04Wow.
00:19:05If it means that much to you, I will get two more tomorrow.
00:19:08Then you'll have a dozen.
00:19:09Bye.
00:19:10Bye.
00:19:30You are worse than a RAPIST!
00:19:36What?
00:19:59Real quick, man.
00:20:13How much for the mannequin here?
00:20:15The bald one?
00:20:29Uh...
00:20:31Three dollars.
00:20:32Are you selling like faulty mannequin heads?
00:20:34I've never seen one that cheap.
00:20:35How can be faulty?
00:20:37It's a mannequin.
00:20:39I'm just trying to buy a mannequin here.
00:20:41That's all.
00:20:41I don't need an attitude behind it.
00:20:43I'm just...
00:20:44I saw him from outside.
00:20:45I'm into it.
00:20:45I have a thing about the mannequin.
00:20:48That's my business.
00:20:49Okay.
00:20:49I'm trying to give you money.
00:20:51You can have it.
00:20:51I'm fine.
00:20:53What is your problem?
00:20:53What's the attitude about, man?
00:20:55No attitude.
00:20:56I'm sensing attitude.
00:20:57What do you do?
00:20:59Uh...
00:21:01Uh...
00:21:02Sorry, man.
00:21:03I just...
00:21:03I got some things going on.
00:21:04Jeez.
00:21:05What things?
00:21:05You need to get some stuff off your chest?
00:21:07You want to talk about it before you make a sale?
00:21:09I got...
00:21:09I got some girl problems.
00:21:12What kind of girl problems?
00:21:13What are your problems?
00:21:14Really?
00:21:14I don't think I should go into it.
00:21:16I don't think I needed to explain why I wanted the mannequin head, but I had to.
00:21:19Okay.
00:21:19All right.
00:21:20Got this girl.
00:21:21I want to break up with her.
00:21:23She's crazy.
00:21:24I'll tell you what you do.
00:21:24Next time she eats bacon, she shit on her piece.
00:21:29Shit?
00:21:29Shit on her piece of bacon.
00:21:31You know what that's going to do?
00:21:32What?
00:21:32It's going to show a different side of you.
00:21:33She's never seen that side.
00:21:35Okay?
00:21:36Then she's going to say, why you shit on my bacon?
00:21:37When she say, why you shit on my bacon?
00:21:39Say, because I wanted to.
00:21:40I'm a man.
00:21:41I'll do what the hell I want in this household.
00:21:42No, you won't.
00:21:43You won't shit on my bacon.
00:21:44Problem.
00:21:45I'm done.
00:21:46I'm not going to deal with a woman that goes back and forth with me.
00:21:48Leave.
00:21:49You're out.
00:21:49You see what I'm saying?
00:21:51Shit on the bacon.
00:21:51Shit on the bacon, homie.
00:21:53I know what I'm talking about.
00:21:53I've been with women for years.
00:21:55Okay, and if that doesn't work though, what should I do?
00:21:58There's no reason why it shouldn't work.
00:22:00How many times did you shit on somebody's bacon?
00:22:03None times.
00:22:03Exactly.
00:22:04So how do you know if it doesn't work?
00:22:05I don't.
00:22:06Exactly.
00:22:07Shit on the bacon, man.
00:22:08That's your problem.
00:22:08You ask too many questions, son.
00:22:09What if I can't produce the shit?
00:22:11Then wait till you got the shit and then cook the bacon.
00:22:14Okay.
00:22:15All right?
00:22:15All right.
00:22:17I see why she's crazy.
00:22:19Why?
00:22:21Can I get the mannequin hit, man?
00:22:23That's it, dude.
00:22:24I don't took time out of my life to drop some science on you.
00:22:27I don't have time.
00:22:27Here you go.
00:22:29Here you go.
00:22:30Let's see why you don't get good business in here.
00:22:32Excuse me?
00:22:33Let's see why you don't get good business.
00:22:38Hey, you.
00:22:39You're going to go good with the rest of them.
00:22:42I trust you.
00:22:43I'm going to call you an asshole.
00:22:46How much do I owe you?
00:22:47Let's take it.
00:22:48You sure?
00:22:49Yeah.
00:22:49All right.
00:22:52Say bye.
00:22:53Her name's Charlene.
00:22:55I don't have any more.
00:22:56Sometimes the time when the world is bringing you down down to your very ease.
00:23:10Maybe you'll think, well, maybe, just maybe.
00:23:15Maybe my heart won't make the distance.
00:23:19Maybe my heart won't see it through.
00:23:23I wasn't meant to run a marathon.
00:23:27Thirty seconds, but I'm through.
00:23:32And I wonder if I should up and quit.
00:23:38I'm rolling, rolling, rolling my heart around the bed.
00:23:48Rolling, rolling, rolling, life's kicking me down again.
00:23:57Kermie, wake up.
00:24:02Breakfast in bed.
00:24:08Why are you dancing?
00:24:23My daddy's coming over for dinner tonight.
00:24:26I thought he was in Spain.
00:24:27Barcelona.
00:24:28But he just got back last night, and he's coming over today.
00:24:31So you, mister, need to eat your breakfast, because you have a big day ahead of you.
00:24:37Oh, and I like your beer.
00:24:39I like it.
00:24:40I like it.
00:24:41I like it.
00:24:42I like it.
00:24:42Mm-hmm.
00:24:43Mm-hmm.
00:24:45Mm-hmm.
00:24:47Mm-hmm.
00:24:49Mm-hmm.
00:24:49Mm-hmm.
00:24:50Mm-hmm.
00:24:51What is this?
00:24:52Bacon.
00:24:53Bacon?
00:24:54It's fake bacon.
00:24:55Shit on the bacon, homie.
00:24:56My dad's a vegetarian, so...
00:24:58I like real bacon, though.
00:24:59Well, you don't need real bacon anymore, because there's fake bacon.
00:25:03Oh, and those are some, I can't believe it's not sausage.
00:25:06Sausage.
00:25:06Mm-hmm.
00:25:07But I like to call it fausage.
00:25:09Mm-hmm.
00:25:09Try some.
00:25:10Come on.
00:25:11Try it.
00:25:12Okay.
00:25:13Mm-hmm.
00:25:18Pulp?
00:25:20I hate pulp.
00:25:21Mm-hmm.
00:25:22I thought you liked pulp.
00:25:24I don't.
00:25:25Mm-hmm.
00:25:26Mm-hmm.
00:25:29Mm-hmm.
00:25:32Okay.
00:25:32It's chewy.
00:25:41Good, right?
00:25:43No.
00:25:44Yeah.
00:25:49Chup, chup, chup, chup.
00:25:51Chup, chup, chup, chup, chup.
00:25:52Yay!
00:25:53Oh, my God.
00:25:53Oh, my God.
00:25:54Oh, my God.
00:25:54Oh, my God.
00:25:54Oh, my God.
00:25:55Oh, my God.
00:25:56I was sleeping in the pink room last night.
00:26:01Pinky and the brain.
00:26:02Shut up.
00:26:04What's wrong with you?
00:26:05Not in the mood.
00:26:08Yeah.
00:26:19I'll give you 100 for it.
00:26:2182 in cash and the rest in quarters.
00:26:24Get out of here, Scoop.
00:26:26Come on, dude.
00:26:27You don't even like baseball anymore.
00:26:30Doesn't matter.
00:26:31It's my card.
00:26:32I can do what I want.
00:26:34Why even keep it in the case if you're not going to sell it?
00:26:36Oh, I'm not going to sell it to you.
00:26:38Doesn't mean I'm not going to sell it to somebody else.
00:26:39You're just mad because the Orioles are the worst team in baseball.
00:26:43You're the worst team in baseball.
00:26:45You're ugly.
00:26:46You're a virgin.
00:26:46Way worse than being ugly.
00:26:48Completely irrelevant.
00:26:50I sucked a boob.
00:26:51A boob?
00:26:51Yeah, probably.
00:26:53And you were also eating baby food at the time, right?
00:26:55No, I suck boobs all the time.
00:26:57I'm a suck machine.
00:26:58Shouldn't you be off somewhere doing homework in your suit?
00:27:02Why are you wearing a suit?
00:27:04I had a presentation at school today.
00:27:06Did you present how much of a suck machine you are to the class?
00:27:09God, you're such a douche.
00:27:11Emphasis on the duh.
00:27:12You're a suck machine.
00:27:13Emphasis on the balls that you suck.
00:27:16Boobs.
00:27:17Balls.
00:27:18I'm coming back.
00:27:19Mm-hmm.
00:27:26I want a pawn this engagement ring, please.
00:27:32That's a big rock.
00:27:34How much do you want for it?
00:27:36It doesn't even matter.
00:27:37I can't stand looking at it anymore.
00:27:39I want to get rid of it.
00:27:40Well, this isn't a pawn shop, but I'll give you a dollar for it.
00:27:44What?
00:27:45That worthless jerk.
00:27:46It's fake, isn't it?
00:27:48Is this fake?
00:27:48He means one dollar for every tear.
00:27:51He made you cry, and that still wouldn't be enough.
00:27:55That's sweet.
00:27:56I know your pain.
00:27:58You don't even have to tell me what happened, because I know.
00:28:00And somehow I feel sorry.
00:28:04You know, what kind of world do we live in where a beautiful creature like yourself gets her heart broken?
00:28:10Let me guess.
00:28:10By what?
00:28:12Professional athlete?
00:28:12Am I right?
00:28:14Half of all.
00:28:15I knew it.
00:28:17It's amazing.
00:28:18Don't ask me how I know.
00:28:19I just know these things.
00:28:20No.
00:28:21You must be psychic.
00:28:23Or, like, you must have some kind of connection.
00:28:26You feel it, too?
00:28:31You know, I don't know what I'm going to do.
00:28:34I don't think I'll ever be able to get over this.
00:28:36Don't cry.
00:28:37No.
00:28:37I feel so betrayed.
00:28:39And you should.
00:28:40You know what?
00:28:40I will never do that to you.
00:28:42You know why?
00:28:42Because it's not because I don't have the options, you know, to lead to those problems.
00:28:46It's because I don't have the money that those options have.
00:28:50That is so sweet.
00:28:53I'm going to take you out.
00:28:55And we're not going to care about whatever that basketball player did to you.
00:28:58Football.
00:28:59Football, basketball, whatever that barely-passing-the-SAT chump did.
00:29:03We're not even going to think about it, okay?
00:29:05Because I don't play games.
00:29:06Unless it's Connect Four.
00:29:07And I will never play Connect Four with your heart.
00:29:12No.
00:29:13Maybe that is exactly what I need.
00:29:17A fat, old, poor man with a really good heart.
00:29:21You know, this is turning out to be a real serendipitous day.
00:29:29I mean, wow, like my luck is changing.
00:29:31You know, I'm going to change because you've inspired me.
00:29:36Can I inspire you for your name?
00:29:40My name is Sandy.
00:29:41Hello, Sandy.
00:29:43I'm Carvel.
00:29:45And that's James.
00:29:47I'm going to take this ring from you, okay?
00:29:49Okay.
00:29:52You know, because love is more important than a ring anyway.
00:29:57It is.
00:29:58Can I just trouble you for your phone number?
00:30:01I was going to go out if I don't have your number, you know?
00:30:04You see, Sandy.
00:30:06That's my area, Cole.
00:30:08You're going to have so much fun.
00:30:11Hey, you know what I'm going to do?
00:30:14Give me a receipt.
00:30:15Hold on.
00:30:16Give this to you right there.
00:30:18Receipt.
00:30:19Let me take this.
00:30:22Guess what that is.
00:30:24It's my heart.
00:30:26Oh.
00:30:27You're gentle.
00:30:28You're gentle.
00:30:29That is...
00:30:30You know, you are the most adorable grown man I have ever, ever met.
00:30:37You're like a little boy in a big old body.
00:30:41I'm trapped.
00:30:42I'm trapped.
00:30:43Get me out.
00:30:45Sandy, help me.
00:30:46Get out.
00:30:47Get out.
00:30:48Bye.
00:30:49Bye, Sandy.
00:30:50Bye.
00:30:51Bye.
00:30:52You're going to get your pocket.
00:30:53Bye.
00:30:54Um, just bye.
00:30:56Bye.
00:30:56Bye.
00:30:57Bye.
00:30:57I can't get out.
00:31:02Nurture.
00:31:02Boom.
00:31:03That's how you do it.
00:31:03Bam.
00:31:04You close.
00:31:04You get in.
00:31:05Bow.
00:31:05Boom.
00:31:05Boom.
00:31:06Boom.
00:31:06Boom.
00:31:06Boom.
00:31:06Boom.
00:31:07Boom.
00:31:07Boom.
00:31:08Boom.
00:31:08Boom.
00:31:09Boom.
00:31:09Boom.
00:31:10Boom.
00:31:10Boom.
00:31:11Boom.
00:31:11Boom.
00:31:12Boom.
00:31:12Boom.
00:31:13Boom.
00:31:13Boom.
00:31:14Boom.
00:31:14Boom.
00:31:15Boom.
00:31:15Boom.
00:31:16Boom.
00:31:16Boom.
00:31:17Boom.
00:31:17Boom.
00:31:18Boom.
00:31:19Boom.
00:31:20Boom.
00:31:21Boom.
00:31:22Boom.
00:31:23Boom.
00:31:24Boom.
00:31:25Boom.
00:31:26Boom.
00:31:27Boom.
00:31:28Boom.
00:31:29Boom.
00:31:30Boom.
00:31:31Boom.
00:31:32Boom.
00:31:33Hey, James, could you close up for me tonight?
00:32:01I gotta go to the mall before it closes.
00:32:03I'm gonna go to a dinner club with Jeff tonight, and if I run late, he calls the police station
00:32:08and reports me missing.
00:32:10Wow.
00:32:11Thanks.
00:32:12What are you gonna do tonight?
00:32:13I am having dinner with Kim and her father, who I never met before.
00:32:19Wow.
00:32:20Mm-mm.
00:32:21Not excited about it.
00:32:23Well, look on the bright side.
00:32:24I mean, if Father of the Bride approves, you know, you're in there, man.
00:32:29You're part of the fam.
00:32:31I don't want to be part of any family.
00:32:33All right.
00:32:34Well, good luck.
00:32:35Bad luck.
00:32:36Hey, loser!
00:32:40Still no on the card, Scoop.
00:32:46Trade!
00:32:47No.
00:32:48No trades.
00:32:49Come on, you bad catcher.
00:32:50I'll give you twice what the card's worth.
00:32:52Twice ain't enough, okay?
00:32:54Get out of here.
00:32:55You're making the biggest mistake of your life.
00:32:58Or week.
00:32:59Biggest mistake of your week.
00:33:02Okay.
00:33:03You really want that card?
00:33:05Are boobs made for sucking?
00:33:07Ow.
00:33:08Fine.
00:33:12Give me your soul.
00:33:13My what?
00:33:14Your soul.
00:33:15My soul.
00:33:16Yep.
00:33:18I don't, I don't understand.
00:33:21Well, why, what do you need my soul for?
00:33:23Come here.
00:33:24It's really, I don't, I don't know why you would want my soul.
00:33:28I understand what's going on.
00:33:30Give me your soul.
00:33:31And I'll give you this card.
00:33:33All, all or half?
00:33:37All.
00:33:38Who the hell want a half soul?
00:33:39Okay.
00:33:40All right, deal.
00:33:42Wow.
00:33:43Really?
00:33:44That easy?
00:33:45Yeah.
00:33:46That card's worth a soul.
00:33:47And besides, rappers do it all the time.
00:33:50Yeah, but rappers sell their soul for money and bitches.
00:33:54Not baseball cards.
00:33:56What are you saying?
00:33:57I'm saying go home right now and I won't tell your mom you tried to sell your soul for a baseball card.
00:34:02But I just, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, go.
00:34:13What?
00:34:14What?
00:34:15Yeah, that's a-
00:34:16Yeah.
00:34:17Go!
00:34:32Mr. James.
00:34:52Please don't call me that.
00:34:53I had a teacher named Mr. James.
00:34:54Didn't like him very much.
00:34:57You can call me James.
00:34:58You got something against teachers.
00:35:01No.
00:35:02No.
00:35:03I like teachers.
00:35:04Cause they're for the kids.
00:35:05And I love kids.
00:35:08Not in a sexual way though.
00:35:10You know, like platonic love.
00:35:18Are you having sex with my daughter?
00:35:21You guys ready for some fosage?
00:35:23Mmm.
00:35:24Mmm.
00:35:25Mmm.
00:35:26Mmm.
00:35:31So, Mr. Sweet.
00:35:33What were you doing in Barcelona?
00:35:36I saw this movie called Vicky and Cristina Barcelona.
00:35:40Oh yeah, I saw that movie.
00:35:41It's about a gentleman who has a threesome with two beautiful women.
00:35:45I thought I could get lucky.
00:35:47Uno, dos, tres.
00:35:50Tres.
00:35:51Correctamundo.
00:35:53Well, did you get lucky?
00:35:56No.
00:35:57Unless you consider a foursome lucky.
00:36:02You're kidding, right?
00:36:06He's kidding.
00:36:10So is that why they call you Mr. Sweet?
00:36:12I thought your last name was Johnson.
00:36:14It is.
00:36:15But let's just say long of the short.
00:36:18I killed a man with a candy cane.
00:36:25Why aren't you just kill him with kindness?
00:36:28Less blood that way.
00:36:30You know, you being a vegetarian and all.
00:36:34I don't mind blood.
00:36:36Yeah, I don't mind blood either.
00:36:37The more blood the better, I say.
00:36:39You say that?
00:36:41I said it just now.
00:36:44Might say it again one day.
00:36:47You ever killed a woman, James?
00:36:51Yeah, of course.
00:36:52Cheers!
00:36:53Thank you!
00:36:54I don't know what to do, but I don't know what to do.
00:37:24You look so vulnerable when you're asleep.
00:37:28Vulnerable as in what? Easy to kill?
00:37:32No, easy to love.
00:37:36I feel like I have your heart right here in my hand. Like I just ripped it out of your chest.
00:37:40And it's right here, just beating.
00:37:44Bump bump. Bump bump. Bump bump.
00:37:48It's not love. It's the temple of doom.
00:37:52Okay, so it's our love temple.
00:37:56And we'd be doomed without each other.
00:37:58I'm not worth a full dozen. Eight, nine, ten.
00:38:02Kim.
00:38:04Rapist! I think I should tell you something before this goes any further.
00:38:08What is it?
00:38:10Uh...
00:38:12I don't love you.
00:38:16I just kind of like you a little bit.
00:38:18That's okay. That's okay.
00:38:20You don't have to be afraid of it.
00:38:22You don't have to be afraid of it.
00:38:24I'm not afraid of it.
00:38:26I'm afraid of you and the crazy way you're talking right now.
00:38:32I'm just crazy in love, James.
00:38:36We're going to be together forever.
00:38:38We don't want to be together forever.
00:38:40I do.
00:38:42I don't.
00:38:44I do.
00:38:46Ellie, it's getting cold.
00:38:50It's getting cold.
00:38:52I do.
00:39:16What? Is it too hot?
00:39:19Is it too cold?
00:39:22No.
00:39:27Is it just so good you can't keep it in your mouth?
00:39:30No. Just...
00:39:33Just what?
00:39:35Honestly. You really want to know?
00:39:37Honestly.
00:39:39It tastes like shit. Like actual shit.
00:39:43Like you put a spoonful of shit in my oatmeal and mixed it around.
00:39:48You don't have to be afraid.
00:39:51Afraid that you might have put shit in my oatmeal.
00:39:56But you wouldn't do that. No.
00:39:58You wouldn't put animal or human feces in my oatmeal, would you?
00:40:07That's right, James. Shit.
00:40:13Why would you do that?
00:40:14That's what our relationship is going to taste like if we don't commit to making it the best it can be right now.
00:40:19Seriously, Kim, what did you put in there?
00:40:21I'm just going to have to be more proactive with my efforts.
00:40:23So are you saying that I just had shit in my mouth? Really? Wow. Shit.
00:40:28You know what? I'm glad we had this talk.
00:40:30Break up?
00:40:37Break up?
00:40:38Break up?
00:40:39I mean, if that's what you want. You can totally do that.
00:40:43You know, we'll obviously still be roommates, though. We'll still live together. Of course.
00:40:49Wow. I knew you would be, like, good about this. I knew you would be great about this.
00:40:53You know what?
00:40:55What?
00:40:56What?
00:40:57I think I'm done feeling you out.
00:40:59What does that mean?
00:41:01Let's see right there.
00:41:02Okay.
00:41:03Okay, so there's 88 keys.
00:41:05Oh, it's a rapper named 88 keys.
00:41:06All right, but this is a piano, so...
00:41:08Okay.
00:41:09There's at the middle of it.
00:41:10Cool.
00:41:11Right there, okay?
00:41:12So you just put your hand here.
00:41:14And there's an octave, so...
00:41:16An octave's eight.
00:41:18Okay.
00:41:19Oc eight, right?
00:41:20Yeah.
00:41:21Do you see the C?
00:41:22Yeah.
00:41:23This one?
00:41:24Hey!
00:41:25Hey!
00:41:26Okay, so there's...
00:41:29B...
00:41:30B...
00:41:31B...
00:41:32Oh, wait.
00:41:33Don't sing.
00:41:34Oh, uh...
00:41:35B...
00:41:36Yeah.
00:41:37Oh, wait.
00:41:38Hi.
00:41:39Hey.
00:41:40Hey, just call him his P.
00:41:42Oh, hi.
00:41:43How did he get...
00:41:44Finally?
00:41:45Oh, shit.
00:41:46Let's see.
00:41:47Get a close-up!
00:41:48I'll kill him.
00:41:49Oh, damn it.
00:41:50Ronald.
00:41:51Keep it right there.
00:41:52I'm speaking very well.
00:41:54Ew.
00:41:55That's disgusting.
00:41:56That's really good.
00:41:57Oh, yeah.
00:41:58Why is he making that noise?
00:41:59Wait.
00:42:00No, no, no.
00:42:01Don't touch me right there.
00:42:02Don't touch me right there.
00:42:05He's losing the battle.
00:42:08How long was that?
00:42:0910 minutes?
00:42:10He's done.
00:42:15Oh, by the way, we have to be at Shawna's at 8,
00:42:17so I'll pick you up at 7.30, okay?
00:42:20But...
00:42:24Hey.
00:42:27Hey.
00:42:28Wait.
00:42:29Kim.
00:42:32Kim.
00:42:33Kim.
00:42:34What?
00:42:35What's going on?
00:42:36Thought we were still gonna talk about breaking up.
00:42:38No.
00:42:39What do you mean, no?
00:42:40No, I don't wanna break up.
00:42:41Why not?
00:42:42Because I just gave you my born-again virginity.
00:42:45Born-again virginity?
00:42:46Yes.
00:42:47What is that?
00:42:48After every relationship, I get born again.
00:42:50What is that?
00:42:51Like, formatting your hard drive?
00:42:53Yeah, I guess so.
00:42:55Well, I still think we should break up.
00:43:00Honestly?
00:43:03Yeah.
00:43:04No.
00:43:05No.
00:43:05What?
00:43:06Oh, my God.
00:43:07Oh, my God.
00:43:08Oh, my God.
00:43:09Oh, my God.
00:43:10What?
00:43:11That's not what I just gave you?
00:43:15Oh, my God.
00:43:19No.
00:43:20Kim.
00:43:20No.
00:43:21No.
00:43:22No.
00:43:23No.
00:43:24No.
00:43:24No.
00:43:25No, no, no, no, no, no, it's gonna suck so much when you die.
00:43:42Excuse me, what?
00:43:44Never told you what happened to all of my ex-boyfriends.
00:43:49They lived happily ever after?
00:43:52They all disappeared.
00:43:54Maybe they're just hiding from you.
00:43:57Maybe someone killed them and then chopped their bodies into tiny little pieces.
00:44:06What's that crazy look in your eyes?
00:44:08It's love, James.
00:44:10It's the same love that made my mother die from loneliness.
00:44:1480 proof loneliness.
00:44:17But alcohol, alcohol isn't the answer, James.
00:44:23What's the, uh, what's the answer?
00:44:30Straight up street violence.
00:44:35I was joking.
00:44:36I can't, I can't hear you.
00:44:37I was joking.
00:44:39You're joking?
00:44:41You're joking?
00:44:43Oh my God.
00:44:45You just saved her life.
00:44:48You have no idea.
00:44:49From now on, I'm not gonna take anything you say seriously.
00:44:53You're always joking.
00:44:54You're always joking, joking, joking.
00:45:00That's all.
00:45:01Okay.
00:45:02Well, okay.
00:45:03Well, I'll bring you a different shirt later.
00:45:04I'll pick you up at 7.30, okay?
00:45:05Okay.
00:45:06Okay.
00:45:07I love you.
00:45:08I miss you.
00:45:09I miss you.
00:45:20This is all your fault.
00:45:21You know that?
00:45:22Straight up street violence.
00:45:24If you had ovaries, I'd be afraid for your future children.
00:45:27If you had any heart, you would have came and smacked her around a little bit.
00:45:32No, look.
00:45:33What I need is to get out of this relationship without the occurrence of any physical confrontation.
00:45:39That's all I need.
00:45:40Dude, you need an exit strategy.
00:45:43Because unless Osama Bin Laden is hiding in their girls with JJ, you gotta get away.
00:45:47Am I right?
00:45:48You're right.
00:45:49I need to bring your troops on.
00:45:50Bring them home.
00:45:51By troops, I mean my manhood.
00:45:53Exactly.
00:45:54Hold on, wait.
00:45:55Do you guys hear that?
00:45:56What?
00:45:57That's the sound of brain cells dying because that was the dumbest thing I've ever heard
00:46:01in my life.
00:46:02Whatever.
00:46:03You guys are being dumbasses.
00:46:04Whatever.
00:46:05You listen to her, you listen to me.
00:46:06It's your choice.
00:46:11Okay.
00:46:17What?
00:46:18Nothing.
00:46:19I just imagined you saying that you were thinking about what our kids would look like.
00:46:25You imagined me saying that?
00:46:27Mm-hmm.
00:46:28And our wedding too.
00:46:29You said you wanted all of our families to be there.
00:46:32All of our friends will accept Carville.
00:46:34And then you said we'd go to Paris and make love under the Eiffel Tower.
00:46:38And then go to Barcelona and embrace under every landmark for 15 minutes.
00:46:42And then you whispered in my ear, I want to have you inside of me.
00:46:47And I was like, what?
00:46:49That's impossible.
00:46:51And you were like, I know that's impossible, but I still want it.
00:46:55I just love your soul.
00:46:56Aw.
00:46:57You can be so romantic sometimes.
00:47:02You know, imagining me saying something doesn't really count as me saying it, right?
00:47:09Oh.
00:47:10I did good with one.
00:47:11Oh, you know what?
00:47:12James.
00:47:13James can help you.
00:47:14James.
00:47:15Oh.
00:47:16Come on.
00:47:17Help Shawna get the china globes up here.
00:47:19Okay?
00:47:20Yeah, he'll help you.
00:47:21He's taller than that.
00:47:22Perfect.
00:47:23Good.
00:47:24The candles.
00:47:25The candles.
00:47:26You know what?
00:47:27I was thinking about doing...
00:47:28I don't know.
00:47:29Get them out there.
00:47:30What do you think?
00:47:31I think so.
00:47:32Okay, that's what I did for the pool.
00:47:33But you also might want to get some tea candles, like the really small ones.
00:47:34Oh, that's romantic.
00:47:35To set the table.
00:47:36You know what I mean?
00:47:37Very romantic.
00:47:38Because it'll be nice with the sun going down and everything.
00:47:39Maybe we can get James to help clean some of this stuff out of the pool.
00:47:41Yeah, he can do that.
00:47:42I haven't gotten around to it.
00:47:43He can take care of that.
00:47:44That's what he's here for.
00:47:45Good.
00:47:46Good.
00:47:47The more, the merrier.
00:47:48Yeah, so these need to go up here.
00:47:49People are out with that.
00:47:50They'll be good.
00:47:51I'm so excited to get those up.
00:47:52I know.
00:47:53I've been wanting to get those up forever.
00:47:54Yeah, if you could just, you know, kind of...
00:47:55You're tall.
00:47:56You can...
00:47:57I'll just...
00:47:58There's only two of them.
00:47:59You can.
00:48:00Absolutely.
00:48:01It's time for a toast.
00:48:02One, two, three.
00:48:03Come on.
00:48:04Get it out.
00:48:05Come on.
00:48:06You guys are good.
00:48:07Uh-oh.
00:48:08Little tipsy.
00:48:10You guys are my heroes.
00:48:11I want to come here every week because I love each and every one of your faces.
00:48:14As you should.
00:48:15And that's not the rum talking.
00:48:16As you should.
00:48:17That's this guy talking.
00:48:18That's right.
00:48:19Oh, yeah.
00:48:20I didn't think I liked you at first, but...
00:48:23Well, it was the best thing.
00:48:24It was the best thing.
00:48:25No, but you have thrown on me, my friend.
00:48:28Do you guys like the shirt that I bought?
00:48:30I knew you picked that out.
00:48:32You have such great shape.
00:48:33I know.
00:48:35That's awesome.
00:48:36We are wearing purple.
00:48:37Yes, we are.
00:48:38We picked out our outfits, too.
00:48:39I knew that.
00:48:41Doesn't James look great in pink?
00:48:43We're wearing pink together.
00:48:46We have to match the...
00:48:47Oh, nice.
00:48:48Oh.
00:48:49Nice.
00:48:50The tequila melts it so fast.
00:48:52I know.
00:48:53Or is it vodka or rum?
00:48:54I can't remember what.
00:48:55We've had it all.
00:48:56We don't remember.
00:48:57It doesn't matter.
00:48:58It's good.
00:48:59He's getting the job done.
00:49:00Yeah.
00:49:01He might need to be cut off, actually.
00:49:02All right.
00:49:03Oh, come on.
00:49:04This is a little special punch.
00:49:05No, no, no, no.
00:49:06Walk home.
00:49:07Walk home.
00:49:08Walk home before I came on.
00:49:09No, we will not.
00:49:10No, we will not.
00:49:11When you work hard all week, you deserve it.
00:49:13No, I am.
00:49:15That's true.
00:49:16I agree.
00:49:17I will sleep here.
00:49:18I will sleep on a raft in the pool.
00:49:19No, we will not.
00:49:20I want to go home tonight.
00:49:21I will sleep in the pool.
00:49:22Give me a tomorrow.
00:49:23Don't worry about it.
00:49:24PlayStation.
00:49:25Me and you.
00:49:26PlayStation next week.
00:49:27PlayStation!
00:49:28Game night?
00:49:29Okay.
00:49:30PlayStation.
00:49:31Let's do it.
00:49:32Come on, James.
00:49:34James, you need another drink there, man?
00:49:35You look good on pink.
00:49:36Doesn't he?
00:49:37That's what I tell him all the time.
00:49:38He needs to wear more pink.
00:49:40So we can match together.
00:49:42Hey!
00:49:43Hey!
00:49:44What a...
00:49:45Hey!
00:49:46What a...
00:49:47That's horrible.
00:49:48It depends.
00:49:49Why are you bad things?
00:49:50Why are you bad things?
00:49:51All right, Ronnie's having a good time.
00:49:52Just look at me.
00:49:53All right, you're talking.
00:49:54Now you're talking.
00:49:55Oh.
00:49:56All right, man.
00:49:57We need to break...
00:49:58All right, all right.
00:49:59All cheers to that.
00:50:00Yeah.
00:50:01All right, all right, all right.
00:50:02Hey!
00:50:03Hey!
00:50:04Hey!
00:50:05Hey!
00:50:06Hey!
00:50:07Hey!
00:50:08Hey!
00:50:09Hey!
00:50:10Hey!
00:50:11I'm out.
00:50:12Where's he going?
00:50:13Was he upset?
00:50:14I think it might have been a tequila.
00:50:16I'm sorry.
00:50:17He left his shoes.
00:50:18Uh...
00:50:19That was...
00:50:20I mean...
00:50:21I mean...
00:50:22Again, when I...
00:50:36stormed out of the party...
00:50:38back there...
00:50:40I wasn't...
00:50:42storming out of...
00:50:44our relationship.
00:50:45You know...
00:50:46just the party.
00:50:48We're still cool, right?
00:50:51I mean, you're worried about everybody that you're tweeting and BBMing and they're not even your friends in real life.
00:51:05Like, duh.
00:51:06Come on.
00:51:07You're so cute right now.
00:51:08You're jealous.
00:51:09Right.
00:51:10Right.
00:51:11You're so cute.
00:51:12I have so many followers.
00:51:13Right.
00:51:14Right.
00:51:15I don't get it.
00:51:16Like, follow...
00:51:17Follow you where?
00:51:18What is that?
00:51:19You're a Quaker.
00:51:20Right.
00:51:21I'm a Quaker.
00:51:22You're a techno whore.
00:51:23Stuff shop.
00:51:24This is Leona.
00:51:25Now that is the posture of a guy with no whipped cream in his chocolate pudding.
00:51:30What are you doing?
00:51:31Back door was open.
00:51:32Get out.
00:51:33You're not getting that card scoop.
00:51:34Whoa, whoa, hey.
00:51:35Get out.
00:51:36Let's just concentrate on one thing at a time here.
00:51:37I heard about your, uh, situation.
00:51:39What situation?
00:51:40That girl you're living with so you're not homeless.
00:51:43Uh, I was eavesdropping on your friends the other day.
00:51:45Get out.
00:51:46Hey, hey.
00:51:47I heard about your, uh, situation.
00:51:49What situation?
00:51:50That girl you're living with so you're not homeless.
00:51:52Uh, I was eavesdropping on your friends the other day.
00:51:55Get out.
00:51:56Hey, hey, you're not going to be a bad guy.
00:51:59Get out.
00:52:00Hey, I can help you out.
00:52:01I can get her to break up with you.
00:52:03Get out.
00:52:04Come on, dude.
00:52:05I don't have any after school activities.
00:52:11Well, she wouldn't break up on me anyway.
00:52:13Why would she do that?
00:52:14Girls do it all the time.
00:52:16They break up with a guy that they thought was the one just as soon as they find out that
00:52:22he's not the one.
00:52:24So all we gotta do is convince her that you're not the one.
00:52:28Honey, I'm home.
00:52:29You're late.
00:52:30What happened to you?
00:52:31I went to a strip club after work and sucked some boobs and got a lap dance.
00:52:43A couple of lap dances.
00:52:44Oops.
00:52:45Wow.
00:52:46Busted.
00:52:47What is that?
00:52:48Looks like I've been having safe sex.
00:52:49A lot of it too.
00:52:50Don't be fooled by just the one condom.
00:52:51I used a lot of them.
00:52:52Some I used a lot of them.
00:52:53Some I used twice.
00:52:54I doubled up.
00:52:55You don't believe me?
00:52:56You're such a bad liar.
00:52:57You're such a bad liar.
00:52:58That's good though.
00:53:01That's a good question.
00:53:03That's a good question.
00:53:06I can't do that.
00:53:08You're such a bad one.
00:53:09Can't do that.
00:53:10of it too and don't be fooled by just the one condom I used a lot of them some
00:53:15I used twice I doubled up you don't believe me
00:53:22you're such a bad liar that's good though that's a good quality to having a
00:53:29spouse I'm not lying I had sex with a stripper in the strip club
00:53:38what was the stripper's name
00:53:41strawberry banana yogurt was her best friend there rainbow sherbet was it mint
00:53:52chocolate chip
00:54:01man what I love strawberry banana yogurt it's all I could think of your favorite
00:54:06dessert is all you could think of oh well at least you didn't say like rainbow
00:54:10sherbet or mint chocolate chip you should have said like cinnamon or like peaches
00:54:16and cream oh peaches and cream that sounds more like a dynamic duo of strippers so
00:54:20like Batman and Robin peaches and cream do crime-fighting strippers I could be like a
00:54:26TV show like peaches and cream coming up next on HBO yeah I would love it oh my god your
00:54:35boyfriend yo office now that little stunt you had me pull didn't work she didn't
00:54:41believe me did you pull the empty condom wrapper trick this is bad it's interesting
00:54:47it's not interesting it's bad okay I'm getting my advice from a kid a suck
00:54:53machine whoa hey hey hey hey first thing I learned from watching gossip girls is
00:54:58that women are irrational big word can you spell it and when dealing with
00:55:04irrational people you have to be even more irrational you gotta think outside
00:55:09the box well why don't you think outside the store well if it's gonna be a
00:55:17problem then I'll just have to take my services elsewhere you should do that
00:55:21I R R A T I O N A L nice
00:55:27watch gossip girls yes I do I can help you you just gotta trust me but first I'm gonna
00:55:44need that Cal Ripken Jr. rookie card no way mm-hmm I've got this I've got this
00:55:53I'm good at Cal Ripken Jr.
00:56:06Oh, come on.
00:56:07Come on.
00:56:08Come on.
00:56:09Come on.
00:56:10Come on.
00:56:11Come on.
00:56:12Did you pick out a car yet?
00:56:13Yeah.
00:56:14She's the girl.
00:56:19Hi.
00:56:20Hi.
00:56:21Hi.
00:56:22Hi.
00:56:23Hey.
00:56:24Hey.
00:56:25Dad.
00:56:26You're just in time to get your nails done.
00:56:29Who's this?
00:56:31This is Yenny.
00:56:32Right?
00:56:33Apparently, I'm her new mother.
00:56:36Her old one was killed in a freak.
00:56:38It was a hyena and a wolverine attack.
00:56:40And a barracuda.
00:56:41And a barracuda.
00:56:42Wow, that is so heartbreaking.
00:56:45I don't get it.
00:56:46Is this some kind of joke or something?
00:56:48What?
00:56:49You mean you don't remember impregnating a girl when you were 12 years old?
00:56:53Yeah.
00:56:54Oh.
00:56:55Yes.
00:57:00Wow.
00:57:01I was 13.
00:57:03Why don't you come join us on the couch?
00:57:05All right.
00:57:06Sit on down.
00:57:09You must be tired from working all day.
00:57:11Yes.
00:57:12Long day.
00:57:13Yeah.
00:57:14You can get a little closer.
00:57:15We won't bite you.
00:57:17Okay.
00:57:20She looks just like me.
00:57:22That's what everybody...
00:57:23She's got resemblance.
00:57:24Wow.
00:57:26So...
00:57:29Yenny is your name?
00:57:31Dad.
00:57:32You know my name.
00:57:33Stop it.
00:57:34Don't go ahead.
00:57:35Yeah.
00:57:36No.
00:57:37You're gonna have to...
00:57:38You're gonna have to move in with us.
00:57:40Yeah.
00:57:41Right?
00:57:42Okay.
00:57:43Yep.
00:57:44And since I won't be around, you're gonna be her new mommy.
00:57:45How about that?
00:57:46Kim?
00:57:47Of course.
00:57:48What?
00:57:49James, I've always wanted to have your children.
00:57:51I mean, I didn't know it was gonna be so soon.
00:57:55That hurt.
00:57:56But, um, of course I'll help you raise your daughter.
00:58:03Okay.
00:58:05What?
00:58:06Okay, um, this is awkward.
00:58:11I can't, like, really be your daughter because I kind of have a mother already.
00:58:16Yeah.
00:58:17Um, and if I don't get home before curfew, she's gonna be pissed.
00:58:25I tried, okay?
00:58:26Sorry.
00:58:27Really?
00:58:28A barracuda?
00:58:29Scoop said you would pay me.
00:58:30Do you even know what a barracuda is?
00:58:32That's not the point, okay?
00:58:33They attack all the time.
00:58:34How much?
00:58:3550 bucks.
00:58:36Oh, my God.
00:58:37You know, because that's the price of my Justin Bieber tickets.
00:58:40They're a little scam artist.
00:58:41I'm sure.
00:58:42Whose mom gets eaten by a barracuda, really?
00:58:45It could happen.
00:58:46It could totally happen.
00:58:49This better be a snack, too.
00:58:54Doing your dirty work.
00:58:55Come on.
00:58:58That's all I got.
00:59:00Here, take this.
00:59:02Take it.
00:59:03Get out of here.
00:59:04Dude, I don't do piggy banks.
00:59:07Keep it.
00:59:11Thanks for the snack.
00:59:13Oh, you're welcome, sweetie.
00:59:15Well, I guess I'll just let myself out.
00:59:17Scoop.
00:59:18Uh...
00:59:29What was that?
00:59:31Crazy people.
00:59:32Don't let crazy people in the house, man.
00:59:35She could have ex-murdered both of us.
00:59:37Tells we break up.
00:59:38Heads, we stay together.
00:59:41Heads.
00:59:44We're together forever.
00:59:50How about best two out of three?
00:59:52Nope.
00:59:55I said no!
00:59:56It's heads.
00:59:57Oh, shit.
00:59:58You are never getting that Coworkin' Junior rookie card.
00:59:59Never.
01:00:00Dude, chill out.
01:00:01No, I will not chill out.
01:00:02Okay?
01:00:03You douchebag.
01:00:04Okay.
01:00:05Look, I heard about what happened last night.
01:00:06I'm sorry, okay?
01:00:07I'm sure that was gonna work.
01:00:08Yeah, and you owe me 50 bucks for that.
01:00:09Okay.
01:00:10You suckbitch.
01:00:11This is all just part of a trial and error.
01:00:13Now we know what doesn't work, and now we can fix out what does.
01:00:14No, no, no.
01:00:15Your schemes?
01:00:16I'm done with them.
01:00:17They don't work.
01:00:18Okay?
01:00:19I'm giving up.
01:00:21I'm hurt that you would say that.
01:00:22I'm hurt that you would say that.
01:00:23You don't have much.
01:00:24No, no, no.
01:00:25Your schemes?
01:00:26I'm done with them.
01:00:27They don't work.
01:00:28Okay?
01:00:29I'm giving up.
01:00:31I'm hurt that you would say that.
01:00:34You're really giving up.
01:00:36Guys like us don't give up.
01:00:38I mean, where would Middle Earth have been if Frodo and his friends just gave up?
01:00:43What sort of country would we live in if Jack Bauer didn't defend countless terrorist attacks on American soil?
01:00:51You can't give up, man.
01:00:53Because if you do, all those crazy women running around who should be in mental institutions, but they're just so frickin' hot that they're just so
01:01:03They're just gonna have another win.
01:01:04We gotta teach these crazy hot chicks a lesson.
01:01:05Amen.
01:01:06You gotta hang in there, man.
01:01:07I don't know what to do.
01:01:08Dude, okay.
01:01:09I got a plan.
01:01:10It's a little risky, but I think it'll work.
01:01:26Crazy bitches.
01:01:27Crazy bitches.
01:01:28Crazy bitches.
01:01:29Come on.
01:01:30Crazy bitches.
01:01:31Yes.
01:01:32Yes.
01:01:33Reverse psychology.
01:01:34Reverse psychology.
01:01:35It has to be like the worst proposal of all time.
01:01:49Genius.
01:01:50All time.
01:01:51Don't listen to them.
01:01:52Why not?
01:01:53Because what if she says yes?
01:01:56She's not gonna say yes because it's gonna be a crap proposal.
01:01:59No, that's crazy.
01:02:01Look, why don't you just talk with her?
01:02:04Be honest.
01:02:05Tell her how you feel.
01:02:06That would be gay.
01:02:08Really gay.
01:02:09Yeah, you're right.
01:02:11What are you trying to make us gay with all your gay talk?
01:02:13You guys are being idiots.
01:02:15Stuff shop, this is Leona.
01:02:16Can you untie this?
01:02:29Why?
01:02:30Because I want you to take me.
01:02:34Take you where?
01:02:38No, take my body.
01:02:44Can I just take you to the movies instead?
01:02:51No.
01:02:52What are you doing?
01:02:55I want to take your body.
01:02:57I want to take you just a little bit.
01:02:59No, it's my time of the month.
01:03:01I can't do that.
01:03:02Come on you.
01:03:03Make me feel like a woman.
01:03:05I think we should break up.
01:03:07I think you should break up with me.
01:03:08Why would I want to do that?
01:03:09You're the biggest boy forever.
01:03:11Thanks, but I don't want to be that few.
01:03:13You're the biggie.
01:03:14Those are the little carpet.
01:03:15Come on, Kim.
01:03:16We're not compatible.
01:03:17Many people aren't supposed to mate.
01:03:18Answer me.
01:03:19Right now.
01:03:20No, Kim.
01:03:21No.
01:03:22Why not?
01:03:23Because.
01:03:24Because what?
01:03:25Because, Kim.
01:03:26Because we have to get married.
01:03:27Right?
01:03:28Did you say married?
01:03:29Yeah.
01:03:30I did.
01:03:31Hi.
01:03:32Is Leona here?
01:03:33Leona.
01:03:34Leona.
01:03:35Are you Mr. Rogers?
01:03:36Yes.
01:03:37It's a beautiful day, isn't it?
01:03:38Sure.
01:03:39In the neighborhood?
01:03:40I guess.
01:03:41Can I ask you a question?
01:03:42Can I ask you a question?
01:03:43Yes.
01:03:44It's a beautiful day, isn't it?
01:03:46Sure.
01:03:47In the neighborhood.
01:03:48I guess.
01:03:49Can I ask you a question?
01:03:51Yeah.
01:03:52Hi, is Leona here?
01:03:54Leona?
01:03:58Are you Mr. Rogers?
01:03:59Yes.
01:04:02It's a beautiful day, isn't it?
01:04:04Sure.
01:04:05In the neighborhood?
01:04:07I guess.
01:04:09Can I ask you a question?
01:04:12Yeah.
01:04:13How's it feel to be so old,
01:04:15dating somebody so young,
01:04:17that huge age gap difference?
01:04:21Feels fine.
01:04:22Why?
01:04:23Age is just a number anyway.
01:04:27Okay.
01:04:28So have you found that being 60
01:04:31and dating a 20-year-old is better than being married,
01:04:37having kids, being loved?
01:04:40I'm 45.
01:04:42Besides, I already did the whole family thing.
01:04:46It's my choice to date 20-year-olds.
01:04:48And that's, that's a good thing?
01:04:53Yeah.
01:04:56I'm happy.
01:04:58Hey.
01:04:59Hey.
01:05:02Alright, we'll see you tonight.
01:05:03Tonight?
01:05:04Your engagement party?
01:05:06Oh, yeah, that?
01:05:08No.
01:05:09Probably won't go to that.
01:05:10I was thinking about jumping off a bridge after work.
01:05:13Pry me a river, George Bailey.
01:05:16See you later.
01:05:18Yep, I'll leave you in my will.
01:05:22Kim.
01:05:24Kim.
01:05:27Look, I always knew this was gonna happen.
01:05:30I just,
01:05:31just thought it would be with somebody more attractive.
01:05:35You know what I look forward to?
01:05:37You waiting on me hand and foot.
01:05:39Like, I heard this like a log when you get married.
01:05:41That'll be fine.
01:05:44How do you feel about polygamy?
01:05:47We'll talk about it later.
01:05:49I'm gonna try really, really hard
01:05:52not to cheat on you.
01:05:54That much.
01:05:55Not that much.
01:05:57Minimal.
01:05:57Minimal.
01:05:58So, here we go.
01:06:00Kim.
01:06:01You can make me the happiest man.
01:06:04Kinda happy.
01:06:05Not really.
01:06:06In the world right now.
01:06:08By
01:06:11accepting my
01:06:13blah, blah, blah
01:06:15marriage proposal.
01:06:16Will you marry me?
01:06:17And stuff like that.
01:06:20All that crap.
01:06:21Whatever.
01:06:25Yes.
01:06:27I'm, what?
01:06:29I'll marry you.
01:06:30No, no, that's not what you said.
01:06:31Hello.
01:06:32Hello, may I speak to Kim?
01:06:34This is Kim.
01:06:35How you doing, Kim?
01:06:36This is Big Boy from Big Boy's Neighborhood.
01:06:39This is who?
01:06:39This is Big Boy from Big Boy's Neighborhood.
01:06:41We have a friend of yours down here.
01:06:44Oh, okay.
01:06:45Alrighty, yeah.
01:06:46Your friend James is here.
01:06:48James?
01:06:49Yes.
01:06:49James is, he's not my friend, but James is my fiancee.
01:06:52Hi, Kim.
01:06:53Right.
01:06:53Oh.
01:06:54See, I didn't know this.
01:06:55James is your fiancee.
01:06:56Oops.
01:06:57I forgot to mention that.
01:06:58Okay, well, I didn't know that you guys were engaged and that this was your fiancee, but
01:07:03he came down to the neighborhood.
01:07:05We were on air talking about relationships, and he made sure he came in to tell us that
01:07:11he's no longer happy with the relationship, he doesn't want to marry you.
01:07:15What?
01:07:15Is this a joke?
01:07:16No, no, honey.
01:07:17This isn't a joke.
01:07:19He really had us call you to let you know that he's done.
01:07:22For real.
01:07:23I don't know who you guys are or who put you up to this, but I'm not buying it.
01:07:27Kim, Kim.
01:07:28Kim, this, James is here.
01:07:29Say hello to her.
01:07:30Hello, Kim.
01:07:32Hi.
01:07:32Kermie?
01:07:34What?
01:07:34What?
01:07:34No?
01:07:35He don't want you to call him honey anymore, is he?
01:07:36I think he doesn't want you to be upset.
01:07:38Right.
01:07:38So why would I get upset?
01:07:40Because I, he got evicted from his apartment and begged to stay with me, and so I let him,
01:07:45and I took for him and cleaned for him, and now he's calling me on the radio in front
01:07:50of everybody to say that he doesn't want to be with me anymore.
01:07:53But you know what?
01:07:53He still wants you to cook.
01:07:54Why couldn't I be upset?
01:07:55He still wants you to cook and clean, and he still wants to stay on the couch.
01:07:57He just don't want to be engaged.
01:07:58He don't want to be in a relationship with you anymore.
01:08:00Roommate.
01:08:01All the other stuff.
01:08:01Yeah, roommate.
01:08:02Not mate.
01:08:03Exactly.
01:08:03Yeah, I, that's not going to work.
01:08:05Liz, are you there?
01:08:06Yeah, I'm here.
01:08:07You know, this is so typical.
01:08:09Does he know you need a guy, and he pretends to be Prince Charming in the beginning.
01:08:13He's whining you.
01:08:14He's signing you.
01:08:15He's taking you out.
01:08:15Did you do that?
01:08:16All this stuff.
01:08:17Maybe a little bit.
01:08:18All of his money, and then you find out in the end that it was all just, you know,
01:08:22it was pretend.
01:08:23He was taking it.
01:08:24Well, yeah.
01:08:25Who does that?
01:08:26Right.
01:08:27Oh, James does that.
01:08:27And then now, you know.
01:08:28Well, you know what?
01:08:29Just in a nutshell, Kim, he doesn't want to be with you anymore.
01:08:33He wants it to be over.
01:08:35He still wants you to cook and clean for him.
01:08:37Yeah.
01:08:38If possible, he would like to have the linen changed on the sofa tonight, and he's done.
01:08:44She beats me.
01:08:44What?
01:08:45And he said he don't want you to be physical with him anymore.
01:08:48You know what the problem is?
01:08:49The problem is you.
01:08:50He's just afraid of intimacy.
01:08:51No, the problem is him.
01:08:52The problem is he's afraid of intimacy.
01:08:54You know, and I listen to your show all the time.
01:08:56I see a really, really big fan.
01:08:57And if you don't mind me quoting you guys, it's just relationships are all about, you know,
01:09:02loving each other past your mistakes.
01:09:05And that's what, you know, I'm trying to do.
01:09:07You're like, I know I'm not perfect, and he's not perfect, but he's told me he's got
01:09:10intimacy issues, and I'm willing to love him past that.
01:09:13No, I don't have intimacy issues.
01:09:15All of that.
01:09:15Intimacy issues.
01:09:17Right.
01:09:18I mean, is it crazy to you that he's saying anything to kind of get out of this relationship?
01:09:23You know what I think is crazy is that he's just so afraid to be in love.
01:09:33You warned me.
01:09:34Why didn't I listen?
01:09:35Nobody listens.
01:09:38Everybody rushes.
01:09:42Where's old man River?
01:09:44Um, he dumped me.
01:09:47Yeah.
01:09:48He was like, um, you should find someone your own age.
01:09:52You should settle down.
01:09:53Start a family.
01:09:55That kind of stuff.
01:09:56It was weird.
01:09:59Wow.
01:10:00What?
01:10:01All this time, I didn't realize it was right in front of me until now.
01:10:06What are you talking about?
01:10:08Are you drunk?
01:10:10Oh, oh, God, James!
01:10:12Sorry.
01:10:12Oh, no.
01:10:14Oh, what the hell is wrong with you?
01:10:16I just kissed Leona.
01:10:17Oh, God.
01:10:18Dude, on the lips?
01:10:18Oh, God.
01:10:19Dude, you know how many penises have been on these bad boys, man?
01:10:21What?
01:10:21Shut up.
01:10:22Only two.
01:10:23Right.
01:10:23Stop.
01:10:24Right.
01:10:24Yeah, too many.
01:10:25Come on.
01:10:26Oh, God.
01:10:26What you thinking?
01:10:27Sorry.
01:10:27He tried the whole 80s movie, I'm really in love with my platonic girlfriend move.
01:10:32No.
01:10:32What is that?
01:10:33Uh.
01:10:34Yeah.
01:10:34Oh, God.
01:10:35I can't go through with this.
01:10:36I can't.
01:10:38Well, maybe you could run.
01:10:40She'll find me.
01:10:41Oh, too late.
01:10:42Here she comes.
01:10:44What are you doing out here?
01:10:45Everybody's inside.
01:10:48Leona, kiss me.
01:10:49Oh, God.
01:10:49Oh, God.
01:10:49Kiss me.
01:10:51Make it look real.
01:10:52Let me get in.
01:10:53Freaking freak!
01:10:54Don't push me.
01:10:55Oh, God.
01:10:56I like it.
01:10:56Oh, God.
01:10:58Me, too.
01:11:01This feels good.
01:11:03Uh-uh, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop.
01:11:05Dude, really?
01:11:06Oh, God.
01:11:07I'm sorry.
01:11:08I'm sorry.
01:11:08I apologize.
01:11:10Kim, come here.
01:11:11What?
01:11:12You didn't say sorry to me.
01:11:13I didn't know you were into that, baby.
01:11:15You should have told me.
01:11:15No, I'm not.
01:11:16No, I'm not into that.
01:11:17Kim, seriously, stop.
01:11:19I think that you deserve a guy that wants the same things you want.
01:11:22Marriage, kids, true happiness.
01:11:24But you make me happy.
01:11:26Well, right now I might, but in the long run, I won't.
01:11:30You don't know that.
01:11:31You're right.
01:11:32I don't, but we want different things in life.
01:11:36That's okay.
01:11:37Differences are good.
01:11:38It gives us stuff to talk about, right?
01:11:39On the surface, yeah, maybe.
01:11:41But as a couple, not wanting the same things is bad.
01:11:46It can lead to unhappiness.
01:11:50So what do you want, James?
01:11:52Uh, I don't know.
01:11:57I just, I know that I don't want to be 60 and unhappy because that'll lead to unhappy breakfast
01:12:08and oatmeal shit in it.
01:12:12Well, can't we just work on it?
01:12:14I don't want to work on it.
01:12:18Wow, that sounded bad.
01:12:20Maybe I should have just told you all this in the beginning.
01:12:24Yeah, you should have.
01:12:26Sorry.
01:12:26Tails.
01:12:41What's that?
01:12:44What does that mean?
01:12:44It's over between us, James.
01:12:47Over.
01:12:47You are now, I'm going to do this for you.
01:12:52You are now anointed a single man, James.
01:12:54And probably homeless, too.
01:12:55Can I say something?
01:12:56Yes.
01:12:56If I end up missing, uh, Kim is the one to arrest.
01:13:01Okay, there it is.
01:13:02So if you come up missing, we'll make sure that Kim goes to jail.
01:13:05You're really scared of him.
01:13:06Don't change the door locks, love.
01:13:07He's coming home.
01:13:08Yeah, he's coming home.
01:13:08That's right.
01:13:09And make sure that you go ahead and put those pillows together up for him so he can sleep on that couch.
01:13:12See you later, roomie.
01:13:13All right.
01:13:14Seeing you with my daddy, the baby ate dinner like a family.
01:13:22It felt good.
01:13:23You haven't sex with my daughter.
01:13:25I haven't felt that way since my mom passed away.
01:13:27I do.
01:13:28I do.
01:13:29I do.
01:13:30I do.
01:13:30I do.
01:13:30I do.
01:13:30I do.
01:13:31I do.
01:13:32I do.
01:13:33I do.
01:13:38I do.
01:13:39Are you going to go in or are you just going to sit here?
01:13:41I do.
01:13:42I do.
01:13:44I do.
01:13:44I just love your son.
01:13:47I do.
01:13:48Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
01:13:50Come on.
01:13:53It's tour day.
01:13:54Seriously, you're always joking.
01:14:03You're always joking, joking, joking, joking.
01:14:05Don't worry. I'll be the DJ. Don't worry. I'll be the DJ.
01:14:35You're right. My mother was unhappy. And it's not because my father left her. It's because she didn't love herself. I can see how hard it was for my dad to live with that. And I don't want to be with someone who wasn't happy with himself.
01:14:58I know. What you said. Telling me the truth no matter how much it hurt. It meant a lot. Thanks. I don't know. Sometimes I just worry about ending up alone so I guess it makes me a little aggressive. A little? Yeah, I'm sorry.
01:15:26Yeah. I'm sorry too. Really sorry. Kind of sorry. I'm sorry.
01:15:43So, where are you going to go?
01:15:49I would say Barcelona. But I can't afford that.
01:15:54You can sell your TV.
01:15:57That's not funny.
01:16:03I guess you can sleep on my couch until you find a place.
01:16:09Really?
01:16:11After all that?
01:16:13Don't make me flip the coin.
01:16:15No, I'm just saying.
01:16:17Are you sure? Because I don't want to impose...
01:16:19What are you doing?
01:16:20No!
01:16:20I'm so tired of being broke
01:16:28It's hard enough being alone
01:16:32To weather these storms
01:16:35I'm so tired of being broke
01:16:36I'm so tired of being broke
01:16:37I'm so sorry I let you down
01:16:42If only I knew the way
01:16:46To get ourselves out
01:16:49I'm so sorry I let you down
01:16:50If only I knew the way
01:16:54To get ourselves out
01:16:55Or are you kind
01:16:57Or are you kind?
01:17:01Are you a quick understand?
01:17:02I wonder why we won't make you fight
01:17:07But...
01:17:07Remember, please, we are lucky
01:17:15I don't know why I get so sad
01:17:23I guess it feels like I've gone mad
01:17:26And there's no escape
01:17:33I try and do just what I can
01:17:37To help my fellow man
01:17:40But it's not enough
01:17:44Are you blanket or are you kind?
01:17:55Are we one or are we one big divide?
01:17:58But remember, please, we are
01:18:07Are lucky
01:18:09We're so lucky
01:18:24We're so lucky
01:18:38Are you think good or are you kind?
01:18:42Are we one or are we one big divide?
01:18:50But remember, please, we are lucky
01:19:00Yeah, I'm the one big divide
01:19:05The Guyanami
01:19:08I'm the one big divide
01:19:08I'm the one big divide
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