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00:00:00Transcription by CastingWords
00:00:30CastingWords
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00:02:09because I spent all my money trying to impress my new girlfriend and I bought
00:02:13the sweet-ass TV not my fault oh it's not your fault so it's okay well if it's
00:02:17not your fault uh whose fault would it be rappers they make it hard for us
00:02:23regular guys whatever you're the dumbass who spent all your money on someone you
00:02:27met three months ago what part of take it slow didn't make sense nothing you say
00:02:32makes sense besides I refuse to take advice from somebody's
00:02:35dating mr. Rogers you're dating mr. Rogers okay does he switch from his blazer to a
00:02:40sweater when you guys start to do it yeah he also has a milk carton village in
00:02:44his living room we play with it it's really hot fine if mr. Rogers doesn't
00:02:49want to be my neighbor I'll just do my time here at Shawshank Redemption 2 and
00:02:53get my own place again dude you really think you're gonna get your own place
00:02:56again man they don't call out the old ball and chain for nothing what are you
00:02:59talking about talking about what she's gonna do to you in there man what am I
00:03:02gonna do to him Kim disappear out of the thin air was a professor X mad when you
00:03:10left the X-Men yes he was now what am I gonna do to him for starters you probably
00:03:15cut his penis off and use it as a really small shake weight you know take that
00:03:23big boys neighborhood it is going down man relationships do they work is it
00:03:31better to be single you're miserable yet right bedroom already has a TV a lot of
00:03:36people that say hey you know I'm in a relationship what should I do what's
00:03:39a pink TV yeah and it matches everything else in the room
00:03:43help you who's in the neighborhood hey what's going on guys what's happening
00:03:46who this is Rick Rick what's going on Rick how you doing Rick oh my god you guys check
00:03:52out all the pink and shit pink is my favorite color color vaginas actually
00:03:59smells like vagina in here you guys are yeah
00:04:02thanks oh good luck with your wife not my wife she wasn't trying to dress you no
00:04:20dude she wasn't trying to dress me or nothing yeah she was just like oh that's so
00:04:23cool everything was compliments in the beginning right have you changed Rick have
00:04:28you changed in that year I don't think I've changed so do you think that would
00:04:32like right now with a year later what I'm packing I'm packing yeah Jesus
00:04:45sorry I couldn't hold it in any longer why didn't you spit in your own hair
00:04:51you know what I feel more comfortable with you already this is gonna be fun
00:05:02right mm-hmm all right I'm going to bed give me a kiss
00:05:05oh can I get a better kiss than that
00:05:21okay that's enough you have to get up early tomorrow what why we do chores on
00:05:28Sundays I thought we sleep late and watch football on Sundays you do not Sundays
00:05:34for chores you don't sleep late and watch football ever ever can you turn TV off
00:05:41can I leave it on I like to sleep with the TV on just turn it off okay I'll turn it
00:05:47down real low in the bathroom light if you're done thanks can we compromise
00:05:53as you know it is now over I get the bill
00:05:58yeah good enough for your girlfriend that sounds great thank you thank you man so
00:06:03you are now anointed as a single man
00:06:17big boys neighborhood it is going down man relationships man do they work are you better
00:06:46off being single we've been talking about a man and we got someone that felt
00:06:50like it was it was so necessary to just come up into the neighborhood and be
00:06:54helped with this problem man now your name is James how you doing James man
00:06:59what's so bad about your relationship James well she is the Antichrist Wow oh
00:07:06yeah man you want to be careful about dating the Antichrist man we heard about
00:07:09that yeah working all righty now so this is what we're gonna do you're done so if we
00:07:15call her up is it okay to call her up please so do you want me to handle it
00:07:19because I can handle the breakup for you do y'all live together now that's the
00:07:22that's the issue okay I don't have anywhere else to go unless I can stay with you no
00:07:26no you're not gonna stay with me but I'm gonna break up for you but I still ask you to leave
00:07:30I still want to live with her though what come on now James man just walked in here we could do
00:07:38a blood test benefits thing or new benefits you want to break up with her but you still want to
00:07:45sleep on our couch yes all right do you want me to tell her that yes okay all right
00:07:49you don't want to be homeless all right all right do me a favor brother do me a favor if you write
00:07:55down the name her name why are you on the couch James why are you on the couch
00:08:11because it's softer than the floor must have fell asleep with the TV on what the snoring
00:08:36can you uh this TV in the closet and take out the trash please
00:08:42it's chore day
00:09:00is it better to be single
00:09:16it's not full yet yeah well they're still trashing it it still needs to be empty it's empty just
00:09:43this has one banana peel and some tissue that is gross you spit in my hand last night that
00:09:51wasn't gross to you that was that was fine this is gross can you just take out the trash and that
00:09:58box needs to go as well please
00:10:14oh my god what is that is it alive no silly it died when i shaved it off my body wow that's disgusting what i
00:10:24haven't shaved in a while i don't know what's the big deal i mean i just thought that since we'd be
00:10:29living together that we'd eventually you know
00:10:32have sex well yeah coming
00:10:48smells so good in here okay all right we'll come in the bathroom when you're done okay okay
00:10:54okay
00:11:04ever
00:11:04ever
00:11:06ever
00:11:18ever
00:11:20It's Sunday, Sunday chore day, oh you guys didn't know, yeah I didn't know either until
00:11:49last night, just found out, I was kind of planning on watching the game with my friends today but no, I'm here
00:11:55James!
00:11:55Getting banana peels out of frickin' trash cans.
00:11:58James, stop!
00:11:59What?
00:12:00No, it's Troy Day, it's Troy Day.
00:12:01It's okay Tony, yeah I know it's sad, but don't cry, that's stupid, okay?
00:12:05What we can do is, you can stop crying with the little bitch and go to the store and get
00:12:09me some op and go and then we can all clean together.
00:12:11How about that?
00:12:12What?
00:12:13James, Tanny's grandmother just died, Shauna and I are trying to console her.
00:12:18Who is this?
00:12:19I'm going slow man.
00:12:20Let's go on slow.
00:12:21What do you got there, pal?
00:12:22Ah, come on, come on.
00:12:23Reds.
00:12:24Reds.
00:12:25What are you doing?
00:12:26What are you doing?
00:12:27What are you doing?
00:12:31What are you doing?
00:12:36What are you doing?
00:12:41What are you doing?
00:12:45She doesn't say bless you when I sneeze, doesn't let me watch TV in bed,
00:13:15and she makes me do chores. She's like an unpleasant, non-seeing Mary Poppins.
00:13:21Mmm, I told you this was gonna happen.
00:13:23And she snores like a velociraptor. And the first night that we spend together,
00:13:27I gotta sleep on the couch because of it.
00:13:29Uh, wait. You've never spent the night together before?
00:13:32Nope. You know, I used to think that she was just being old-fashioned.
00:13:37Now I think that she was just trying to M. Night Shyamalan me with a sucky twist at the end.
00:13:43Oh, come over here and help me move that.
00:13:45Baby, we don't need no pine-outs.
00:13:46No, how much are these?
00:13:47Thirty dollars.
00:13:49What are you gonna do to pine-out?
00:13:50That's too much. That's way too much.
00:13:52You came here for something else, you know?
00:13:53What about this? There.
00:13:56Maybe I just need time to work the kinks out.
00:13:59It's too bad you don't have an apartment to go back to.
00:14:02It's too bad people don't like you because your face is ugly.
00:14:04You're married to Miss Piggy, and I'm awesome.
00:14:07Exactly.
00:14:08So we're not broke, okay?
00:14:10No, we are.
00:14:11All right.
00:14:11She doesn't know it.
00:14:12She's living this life that she doesn't know right now.
00:14:13No, we're not broke.
00:14:14Well, this one's 300.
00:14:16Wow.
00:14:17That's 300?
00:14:17But guess what?
00:14:19I'm gonna go.
00:14:19Uh-huh.
00:14:20This guy right here, he's the ring expert.
00:14:22Mr. Tall Guy, we need your help, man.
00:14:24I'm assuming this is your first day.
00:14:25Yeah.
00:14:25You wanna come?
00:14:27Tall Guy.
00:14:28Saved my day.
00:14:29All right.
00:14:30All right.
00:14:31Cool.
00:14:31Thank you, man.
00:14:32Great.
00:14:33Doesn't look like he knows much either.
00:14:34This guy's great.
00:14:36So how much is this one?
00:14:37Which one?
00:14:38This one right here.
00:14:39Oh no, I don't like that one.
00:14:42How much?
00:14:43It's ugly.
00:14:46It's 300.
00:14:47You are so cheap.
00:14:49Wait till I tell my mother that you bought my engagement ring in a stuff shop.
00:14:53Okay.
00:14:55So you two lovebirds getting married?
00:14:57Oh yeah, we just had a baby.
00:14:59You are the father.
00:15:01Mm-hmm.
00:15:02Oh, we're gonna be a family now.
00:15:03Congratulations.
00:15:05Mari can kiss my ass.
00:15:06You shouldn't talk about Mari like that because he's a great guy.
00:15:10Wow.
00:15:10He's so great.
00:15:11I want you to have him be the father of your child, huh?
00:15:13Yeah.
00:15:13Of course you would say that.
00:15:14You would.
00:15:15He's taken.
00:15:16Okay.
00:15:17But if I could have chose to have him make love to me in the bathroom stall of Chuck E.
00:15:20Cheese instead of you, I would have.
00:15:21Wow.
00:15:22Whatever.
00:15:23Yeah, whatever.
00:15:24I'm gonna take this one.
00:15:25It's ugly.
00:15:26Well, it matches your face, honey.
00:15:27James and Kim are so perfect strangers.
00:15:43Hmm.
00:15:44No.
00:15:45More like Laverne and Shirley.
00:15:47More like Mork and Mindy.
00:15:48James, you're so Mindy, by the way.
00:15:49No.
00:15:50We haven't had sex.
00:15:52What?
00:15:53What?
00:15:53What?
00:15:54Dude, so you're living with a girl.
00:15:56That's your girlfriend and you're not having sex with her.
00:16:00No.
00:16:01She says that she's still feeling me out.
00:16:04I don't get it.
00:16:05What does that mean?
00:16:06Yeah, I don't get it either.
00:16:07Like, I'm a girl and I don't get that.
00:16:09Whatevs, man.
00:16:10You know, you're trying something different.
00:16:11Cool.
00:16:13Thought you were gonna make fun of me.
00:16:15I'm not gonna do that to your face.
00:16:19Yeah, well, at least I got a roof over my head because nobody else would take me in.
00:16:22Dude, if you're gonna live with her, you've got to get the sex thing out of the way.
00:16:27Trust me, sexual tension in your living situation is not gonna make it any more comfortable.
00:16:33But she's not ready, okay?
00:16:37How do I make her ready?
00:16:39Nurture her.
00:16:40What the hell is that?
00:16:41Sex move?
00:16:43No.
00:16:45But it can lead to it.
00:16:49Really?
00:16:52Okay, um, nurture how.
00:17:03Faith.
00:17:04Hey.
00:17:05What up?
00:17:07Did you forget your key?
00:17:08No.
00:17:08Uh, well, yeah, maybe.
00:17:11Yep, I forgot my key.
00:17:12That's what I did.
00:17:14Oh, are those for me?
00:17:15Those?
00:17:16No, no.
00:17:18They are for the best girlfriend in the world.
00:17:21Oh, wait.
00:17:23That is you.
00:17:29Aww.
00:17:31They're beautiful.
00:17:33Well, guess what the best girlfriend in the world did for you today?
00:17:37She put my TV in the bedroom.
00:17:38No.
00:17:39It's so much better than that.
00:17:41Come on, let me show you.
00:17:42What could be better than that?
00:17:43Close your eyes.
00:17:47Okay, open them.
00:17:50Ta-da!
00:17:52Nice takeout.
00:17:53Man, you put it on the good plates.
00:17:55No.
00:17:56I cooked it.
00:17:58Nuh-uh.
00:17:59Yeah.
00:18:00I just wanted to make up for the rocky start we had.
00:18:02You know, just make everything perfect.
00:18:05Sorry, Kermie.
00:18:06Yeah, I'm sorry too.
00:18:14I don't think it's our fault though, you know?
00:18:16It's just...
00:18:18It's a crazy situation.
00:18:20Maybe we need to put on some slow music one night and nurture each other a bunch of times.
00:18:26Then we'll be fine.
00:18:30Thanks for cooking me dinner.
00:18:31And thank you for the eight, nine, ten roses.
00:18:40There's only ten roses here?
00:18:41You're welcome.
00:18:42So, I'm not worth a full dozen?
00:18:45Well, no.
00:18:47Nope.
00:18:47I did the math and you only added up to about ten.
00:18:55Sorry.
00:18:59I'm joking.
00:18:59I'm joking.
00:19:01Seriously?
00:19:03Okay.
00:19:04Wow.
00:19:05If it means that much to you, I will get two more tomorrow.
00:19:08Then you'll have a dozen.
00:19:09Bye.
00:19:10Bye.
00:19:30You are worse than a RAPIST!
00:19:36What?
00:19:59Real quick, man.
00:20:13How much for the mannequin here?
00:20:15The bald one?
00:20:29Uh...
00:20:31Three dollars.
00:20:32Are you selling like faulty mannequin heads?
00:20:34I've never seen one that cheap.
00:20:35How can be faulty?
00:20:37It's a mannequin.
00:20:39I'm just trying to buy a mannequin here.
00:20:41That's all.
00:20:41I don't need an attitude behind it.
00:20:43I'm just...
00:20:44I saw him from outside.
00:20:45I'm into it.
00:20:45I have a thing about the mannequin.
00:20:48That's my business.
00:20:49Okay.
00:20:49I'm trying to give you money.
00:20:51You can have it.
00:20:51I'm fine.
00:20:53What is your problem?
00:20:53What's the attitude about, man?
00:20:55No attitude.
00:20:56I'm sensing attitude.
00:20:57What do you do?
00:20:59Uh...
00:21:01Uh...
00:21:02Sorry, man.
00:21:03I just...
00:21:03I got some things going on.
00:21:04Jeez.
00:21:05What things?
00:21:05You need to get some stuff off your chest?
00:21:07You want to talk about it before you make a sale?
00:21:09I got...
00:21:09I got some girl problems.
00:21:12What kind of girl problems?
00:21:13What are your problems?
00:21:14Really?
00:21:14I don't think I should go into it.
00:21:16I don't think I needed to explain why I wanted the mannequin head, but I had to.
00:21:19Okay.
00:21:19All right.
00:21:20Got this girl.
00:21:21I want to break up with her.
00:21:23She's crazy.
00:21:24I'll tell you what you do.
00:21:24Next time she eats bacon, she shit on her piece.
00:21:29Shit?
00:21:29Shit on her piece of bacon.
00:21:31You know what that's going to do?
00:21:32What?
00:21:32It's going to show a different side of you.
00:21:33She's never seen that side.
00:21:35Okay?
00:21:36Then she's going to say, why you shit on my bacon?
00:21:37When she say, why you shit on my bacon?
00:21:39Say, because I wanted to.
00:21:40I'm a man.
00:21:41I'll do what the hell I want in this household.
00:21:42No, you won't.
00:21:43You won't shit on my bacon.
00:21:44Problem.
00:21:45I'm done.
00:21:46I'm not going to deal with a woman that goes back and forth with me.
00:21:48Leave.
00:21:49You're out.
00:21:49You see what I'm saying?
00:21:51Shit on the bacon.
00:21:51Shit on the bacon, homie.
00:21:53I know what I'm talking about.
00:21:53I've been with women for years.
00:21:55Okay, and if that doesn't work though, what should I do?
00:21:58There's no reason why it shouldn't work.
00:22:00How many times did you shit on somebody's bacon?
00:22:03None times.
00:22:03Exactly.
00:22:04So how do you know if it doesn't work?
00:22:05I don't.
00:22:06Exactly.
00:22:07Shit on the bacon, man.
00:22:08That's your problem.
00:22:08You ask too many questions, son.
00:22:09What if I can't produce the shit?
00:22:11Then wait till you got the shit and then cook the bacon.
00:22:14Okay.
00:22:15All right?
00:22:15All right.
00:22:17I see why she's crazy.
00:22:19Why?
00:22:21Can I get the mannequin hit, man?
00:22:23That's it, dude.
00:22:24I don't took time out of my life to drop some science on you.
00:22:27I don't have time.
00:22:27Here you go.
00:22:29Here you go.
00:22:30Let's see why you don't get good business in here.
00:22:32Excuse me?
00:22:33Let's see why you don't get good business.
00:22:38Hey, you.
00:22:39You're going to go good with the rest of them.
00:22:42I trust you.
00:22:43I'm going to call you an asshole.
00:22:46How much do I owe you?
00:22:47Let's take it.
00:22:48You sure?
00:22:49Yeah.
00:22:49All right.
00:22:52Say bye.
00:22:53Her name's Charlene.
00:22:55I don't have any more.
00:22:56Sometimes the time when the world is bringing you down down to your very ease.
00:23:10Maybe you'll think, well, maybe, just maybe.
00:23:15Maybe my heart won't make the distance.
00:23:19Maybe my heart won't see it through.
00:23:23I wasn't meant to run a marathon.
00:23:27Thirty seconds, but I'm through.
00:23:32And I wonder if I should up and quit.
00:23:38I'm rolling, rolling, rolling my heart around the bed.
00:23:48Rolling, rolling, rolling, life's kicking me down again.
00:23:57Kermie, wake up.
00:24:02Breakfast in bed.
00:24:08Why are you dancing?
00:24:23My daddy's coming over for dinner tonight.
00:24:26I thought he was in Spain.
00:24:27Barcelona.
00:24:28But he just got back last night, and he's coming over today.
00:24:31So you, mister, need to eat your breakfast, because you have a big day ahead of you.
00:24:37Oh, and I like your beer.
00:24:39I like it.
00:24:40I like it.
00:24:41I like it.
00:24:42I like it.
00:24:42Mm-hmm.
00:24:43Mm-hmm.
00:24:45Mm-hmm.
00:24:47Mm-hmm.
00:24:49Mm-hmm.
00:24:49Mm-hmm.
00:24:50Mm-hmm.
00:24:51What is this?
00:24:52Bacon.
00:24:53Bacon?
00:24:54It's fake bacon.
00:24:55Shit on the bacon, homie.
00:24:56My dad's a vegetarian, so...
00:24:58I like real bacon, though.
00:24:59Well, you don't need real bacon anymore, because there's fake bacon.
00:25:03Oh, and those are some, I can't believe it's not sausage.
00:25:06Sausage.
00:25:06Mm-hmm.
00:25:07But I like to call it fausage.
00:25:09Mm-hmm.
00:25:09Try some.
00:25:10Come on.
00:25:11Try it.
00:25:12Okay.
00:25:13Mm-hmm.
00:25:18Pulp?
00:25:20I hate pulp.
00:25:21Mm-hmm.
00:25:22I thought you liked pulp.
00:25:24I don't.
00:25:25Mm-hmm.
00:25:26Mm-hmm.
00:25:29Mm-hmm.
00:25:32Okay.
00:25:32It's chewy.
00:25:41Good, right?
00:25:43No.
00:25:44Yeah.
00:25:49Chup, chup, chup, chup.
00:25:51Chup, chup, chup, chup, chup.
00:25:52Yay!
00:25:53Oh, my God.
00:25:53Oh, my God.
00:25:54Oh, my God.
00:25:54Oh, my God.
00:25:54Oh, my God.
00:25:55Oh, my God.
00:25:56I was sleeping in the pink room last night.
00:26:01Pinky and the brain.
00:26:02Shut up.
00:26:04What's wrong with you?
00:26:05Not in the mood.
00:26:08Yeah.
00:26:19I'll give you 100 for it.
00:26:2182 in cash and the rest in quarters.
00:26:24Get out of here, Scoop.
00:26:26Come on, dude.
00:26:27You don't even like baseball anymore.
00:26:30Doesn't matter.
00:26:31It's my card.
00:26:32I can do what I want.
00:26:34Why even keep it in the case if you're not going to sell it?
00:26:36Oh, I'm not going to sell it to you.
00:26:38Doesn't mean I'm not going to sell it to somebody else.
00:26:39You're just mad because the Orioles are the worst team in baseball.
00:26:43You're the worst team in baseball.
00:26:45You're ugly.
00:26:46You're a virgin.
00:26:46Way worse than being ugly.
00:26:48Completely irrelevant.
00:26:50I sucked a boob.
00:26:51A boob?
00:26:51Yeah, probably.
00:26:53And you were also eating baby food at the time, right?
00:26:55No, I suck boobs all the time.
00:26:57I'm a suck machine.
00:26:58Shouldn't you be off somewhere doing homework in your suit?
00:27:02Why are you wearing a suit?
00:27:04I had a presentation at school today.
00:27:06Did you present how much of a suck machine you are to the class?
00:27:09God, you're such a douche.
00:27:11Emphasis on the duh.
00:27:12You're a suck machine.
00:27:13Emphasis on the balls that you suck.
00:27:16Boobs.
00:27:17Balls.
00:27:18I'm coming back.
00:27:19Mm-hmm.
00:27:26I want a pawn this engagement ring, please.
00:27:32That's a big rock.
00:27:34How much do you want for it?
00:27:36It doesn't even matter.
00:27:37I can't stand looking at it anymore.
00:27:39I want to get rid of it.
00:27:40Well, this isn't a pawn shop, but I'll give you a dollar for it.
00:27:44What?
00:27:45That worthless jerk.
00:27:46It's fake, isn't it?
00:27:48Is this fake?
00:27:48He means one dollar for every tear.
00:27:51He made you cry, and that still wouldn't be enough.
00:27:55That's sweet.
00:27:56I know your pain.
00:27:58You don't even have to tell me what happened, because I know.
00:28:00And somehow I feel sorry.
00:28:04You know, what kind of world do we live in where a beautiful creature like yourself gets her heart broken?
00:28:10Let me guess.
00:28:10By what?
00:28:12Professional athlete?
00:28:12Am I right?
00:28:14Half of all.
00:28:15I knew it.
00:28:17It's amazing.
00:28:18Don't ask me how I know.
00:28:19I just know these things.
00:28:20No.
00:28:21You must be psychic.
00:28:23Or, like, you must have some kind of connection.
00:28:26You feel it, too?
00:28:31You know, I don't know what I'm going to do.
00:28:34I don't think I'll ever be able to get over this.
00:28:36Don't cry.
00:28:37No.
00:28:37I feel so betrayed.
00:28:39And you should.
00:28:40You know what?
00:28:40I will never do that to you.
00:28:42You know why?
00:28:42Because it's not because I don't have the options, you know, to lead to those problems.
00:28:46It's because I don't have the money that those options have.
00:28:50That is so sweet.
00:28:53I'm going to take you out.
00:28:55And we're not going to care about whatever that basketball player did to you.
00:28:58Football.
00:28:59Football, basketball, whatever that barely-passing-the-SAT chump did.
00:29:03We're not even going to think about it, okay?
00:29:05Because I don't play games.
00:29:06Unless it's Connect Four.
00:29:07And I will never play Connect Four with your heart.
00:29:12No.
00:29:13Maybe that is exactly what I need.
00:29:17A fat, old, poor man with a really good heart.
00:29:21You know, this is turning out to be a real serendipitous day.
00:29:29I mean, wow, like my luck is changing.
00:29:31You know, I'm going to change because you've inspired me.
00:29:36Can I inspire you for your name?
00:29:40My name is Sandy.
00:29:41Hello, Sandy.
00:29:43I'm Carvel.
00:29:45And that's James.
00:29:47I'm going to take this ring from you, okay?
00:29:49Okay.
00:29:52You know, because love is more important than a ring anyway.
00:29:57It is.
00:29:58Can I just trouble you for your phone number?
00:30:01I was going to go out if I don't have your number, you know?
00:30:04You see, Sandy.
00:30:06That's my area, Cole.
00:30:08You're going to have so much fun.
00:30:11Hey, you know what I'm going to do?
00:30:14Give me a receipt.
00:30:15Hold on.
00:30:16Give this to you right there.
00:30:18Receipt.
00:30:19Let me take this.
00:30:22Guess what that is.
00:30:24It's my heart.
00:30:26Oh.
00:30:27You're gentle.
00:30:28You're gentle.
00:30:29That is...
00:30:30You know, you are the most adorable grown man I have ever, ever met.
00:30:37You're like a little boy in a big old body.
00:30:41I'm trapped.
00:30:42I'm trapped.
00:30:43Get me out.
00:30:45Sandy, help me.
00:30:46Get out.
00:30:47Get out.
00:30:48Bye.
00:30:49Bye, Sandy.
00:30:50Bye.
00:30:51Bye.
00:30:52You're going to get your pocket.
00:30:53Bye.
00:30:54Um, just bye.
00:30:56Bye.
00:30:56Bye.
00:30:57Bye.
00:30:57I can't get out.
00:31:02Nurture.
00:31:02Boom.
00:31:03That's how you do it.
00:31:03Bam.
00:31:04You close.
00:31:04You get in.
00:31:05Bow.
00:31:05Boom.
00:31:05Boom.
00:31:06Boom.
00:31:06Boom.
00:31:06Boom.
00:31:06Boom.
00:31:07Boom.
00:31:07Boom.
00:31:08Boom.
00:31:08Boom.
00:31:09Boom.
00:31:09Boom.
00:31:10Boom.
00:31:10Boom.
00:31:11Boom.
00:31:11Boom.
00:31:12Boom.
00:31:12Boom.
00:31:13Boom.
00:31:13Boom.
00:31:14Boom.
00:31:14Boom.
00:31:15Boom.
00:31:15Boom.
00:31:16Boom.
00:31:16Boom.
00:31:17Boom.
00:31:17Boom.
00:31:18Boom.
00:31:19Boom.
00:31:20Boom.
00:31:21Boom.
00:31:22Boom.
00:31:23Boom.
00:31:24Boom.
00:31:25Boom.
00:31:26Boom.
00:31:27Boom.
00:31:28Boom.
00:31:29Boom.
00:31:30Boom.
00:31:31Boom.
00:31:32Boom.
00:31:33Hey, James, could you close up for me tonight?
00:32:01I gotta go to the mall before it closes.
00:32:03I'm gonna go to a dinner club with Jeff tonight, and if I run late, he calls the police station
00:32:08and reports me missing.
00:32:10Wow.
00:32:11Thanks.
00:32:12What are you gonna do tonight?
00:32:13I am having dinner with Kim and her father, who I never met before.
00:32:19Wow.
00:32:20Mm-mm.
00:32:21Not excited about it.
00:32:23Well, look on the bright side.
00:32:24I mean, if Father of the Bride approves, you know, you're in there, man.
00:32:29You're part of the fam.
00:32:31I don't want to be part of any family.
00:32:33All right.
00:32:34Well, good luck.
00:32:35Bad luck.
00:32:36Hey, loser!
00:32:40Still no on the card, Scoop.
00:32:46Trade!
00:32:47No.
00:32:48No trades.
00:32:49Come on, you bad catcher.
00:32:50I'll give you twice what the card's worth.
00:32:52Twice ain't enough, okay?
00:32:54Get out of here.
00:32:55You're making the biggest mistake of your life.
00:32:58Or week.
00:32:59Biggest mistake of your week.
00:33:02Okay.
00:33:03You really want that card?
00:33:05Are boobs made for sucking?
00:33:07Ow.
00:33:08Fine.
00:33:12Give me your soul.
00:33:13My what?
00:33:14Your soul.
00:33:15My soul.
00:33:16Yep.
00:33:18I don't, I don't understand.
00:33:21Well, why, what do you need my soul for?
00:33:23Come here.
00:33:24It's really, I don't, I don't know why you would want my soul.
00:33:28I understand what's going on.
00:33:30Give me your soul.
00:33:31And I'll give you this card.
00:33:33All, all or half?
00:33:37All.
00:33:38Who the hell want a half soul?
00:33:39Okay.
00:33:40All right, deal.
00:33:42Wow.
00:33:43Really?
00:33:44That easy?
00:33:45Yeah.
00:33:46That card's worth a soul.
00:33:47And besides, rappers do it all the time.
00:33:50Yeah, but rappers sell their soul for money and bitches.
00:33:54Not baseball cards.
00:33:56What are you saying?
00:33:57I'm saying go home right now and I won't tell your mom you tried to sell your soul for a baseball card.
00:34:02But I just, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, go.
00:34:13What?
00:34:14What?
00:34:15Yeah, that's a-
00:34:16Yeah.
00:34:17Go!
00:34:32Mr. James.
00:34:52Please don't call me that.
00:34:53I had a teacher named Mr. James.
00:34:54Didn't like him very much.
00:34:57You can call me James.
00:34:58You got something against teachers.
00:35:01No.
00:35:02No.
00:35:03I like teachers.
00:35:04Cause they're for the kids.
00:35:05And I love kids.
00:35:08Not in a sexual way though.
00:35:10You know, like platonic love.
00:35:18Are you having sex with my daughter?
00:35:21You guys ready for some fosage?
00:35:23Mmm.
00:35:24Mmm.
00:35:25Mmm.
00:35:26Mmm.
00:35:31So, Mr. Sweet.
00:35:33What were you doing in Barcelona?
00:35:36I saw this movie called Vicky and Cristina Barcelona.
00:35:40Oh yeah, I saw that movie.
00:35:41It's about a gentleman who has a threesome with two beautiful women.
00:35:45I thought I could get lucky.
00:35:47Uno, dos, tres.
00:35:50Tres.
00:35:51Correctamundo.
00:35:53Well, did you get lucky?
00:35:56No.
00:35:57Unless you consider a foursome lucky.
00:36:02You're kidding, right?
00:36:06He's kidding.
00:36:10So is that why they call you Mr. Sweet?
00:36:12I thought your last name was Johnson.
00:36:14It is.
00:36:15But let's just say long of the short.
00:36:18I killed a man with a candy cane.
00:36:25Why aren't you just kill him with kindness?
00:36:28Less blood that way.
00:36:30You know, you being a vegetarian and all.
00:36:34I don't mind blood.
00:36:36Yeah, I don't mind blood either.
00:36:37The more blood the better, I say.
00:36:39You say that?
00:36:41I said it just now.
00:36:44Might say it again one day.
00:36:47You ever killed a woman, James?
00:36:51Yeah, of course.
00:36:52Cheers!
00:36:53Thank you!
00:36:54I don't know what to do, but I don't know what to do.
00:37:24You look so vulnerable when you're asleep.
00:37:28Vulnerable as in what? Easy to kill?
00:37:32No, easy to love.
00:37:36I feel like I have your heart right here in my hand. Like I just ripped it out of your chest.
00:37:40And it's right here, just beating.
00:37:44Bump bump. Bump bump. Bump bump.
00:37:48It's not love. It's the temple of doom.
00:37:52Okay, so it's our love temple.
00:37:56And we'd be doomed without each other.
00:37:58I'm not worth a full dozen. Eight, nine, ten.
00:38:02Kim.
00:38:04Rapist! I think I should tell you something before this goes any further.
00:38:08What is it?
00:38:10Uh...
00:38:12I don't love you.
00:38:16I just kind of like you a little bit.
00:38:18That's okay. That's okay.
00:38:20You don't have to be afraid of it.
00:38:22You don't have to be afraid of it.
00:38:24I'm not afraid of it.
00:38:26I'm afraid of you and the crazy way you're talking right now.
00:38:32I'm just crazy in love, James.
00:38:36We're going to be together forever.
00:38:38We don't want to be together forever.
00:38:40I do.
00:38:42I don't.
00:38:44I do.
00:38:46Ellie, it's getting cold.
00:38:50It's getting cold.
00:38:52I do.
00:39:16What? Is it too hot?
00:39:19Is it too cold?
00:39:22No.
00:39:27Is it just so good you can't keep it in your mouth?
00:39:30No. Just...
00:39:33Just what?
00:39:35Honestly. You really want to know?
00:39:37Honestly.
00:39:39It tastes like shit. Like actual shit.
00:39:43Like you put a spoonful of shit in my oatmeal and mixed it around.
00:39:48You don't have to be afraid.
00:39:51Afraid that you might have put shit in my oatmeal.
00:39:56But you wouldn't do that. No.
00:39:58You wouldn't put animal or human feces in my oatmeal, would you?
00:40:07That's right, James. Shit.
00:40:13Why would you do that?
00:40:14That's what our relationship is going to taste like if we don't commit to making it the best it can be right now.
00:40:19Seriously, Kim, what did you put in there?
00:40:21I'm just going to have to be more proactive with my efforts.
00:40:23So are you saying that I just had shit in my mouth? Really? Wow. Shit.
00:40:28You know what? I'm glad we had this talk.
00:40:30Break up?
00:40:37Break up?
00:40:38Break up?
00:40:39I mean, if that's what you want. You can totally do that.
00:40:43You know, we'll obviously still be roommates, though. We'll still live together. Of course.
00:40:49Wow. I knew you would be, like, good about this. I knew you would be great about this.
00:40:53You know what?
00:40:55What?
00:40:56What?
00:40:57I think I'm done feeling you out.
00:40:59What does that mean?
00:41:01Let's see right there.
00:41:02Okay.
00:41:03Okay, so there's 88 keys.
00:41:05Oh, it's a rapper named 88 keys.
00:41:06All right, but this is a piano, so...
00:41:08Okay.
00:41:09There's at the middle of it.
00:41:10Cool.
00:41:11Right there, okay?
00:41:12So you just put your hand here.
00:41:14And there's an octave, so...
00:41:16An octave's eight.
00:41:18Okay.
00:41:19Oc eight, right?
00:41:20Yeah.
00:41:21Do you see the C?
00:41:22Yeah.
00:41:23This one?
00:41:24Hey!
00:41:25Hey!
00:41:26Okay, so there's...
00:41:29B...
00:41:30B...
00:41:31B...
00:41:32Oh, wait.
00:41:33Don't sing.
00:41:34Oh, uh...
00:41:35B...
00:41:36Yeah.
00:41:37Oh, wait.
00:41:38Hi.
00:41:39Hey.
00:41:40Hey, just call him his P.
00:41:42Oh, hi.
00:41:43How did he get...
00:41:44Finally?
00:41:45Oh, shit.
00:41:46Let's see.
00:41:47Get a close-up!
00:41:48I'll kill him.
00:41:49Oh, damn it.
00:41:50Ronald.
00:41:51Keep it right there.
00:41:52I'm speaking very well.
00:41:54Ew.
00:41:55That's disgusting.
00:41:56That's really good.
00:41:57Oh, yeah.
00:41:58Why is he making that noise?
00:41:59Wait.
00:42:00No, no, no.
00:42:01Don't touch me right there.
00:42:02Don't touch me right there.
00:42:05He's losing the battle.
00:42:08How long was that?
00:42:0910 minutes?
00:42:10He's done.
00:42:15Oh, by the way, we have to be at Shawna's at 8,
00:42:17so I'll pick you up at 7.30, okay?
00:42:20But...
00:42:24Hey.
00:42:27Hey.
00:42:28Wait.
00:42:29Kim.
00:42:32Kim.
00:42:33Kim.
00:42:34What?
00:42:35What's going on?
00:42:36Thought we were still gonna talk about breaking up.
00:42:38No.
00:42:39What do you mean, no?
00:42:40No, I don't wanna break up.
00:42:41Why not?
00:42:42Because I just gave you my born-again virginity.
00:42:45Born-again virginity?
00:42:46Yes.
00:42:47What is that?
00:42:48After every relationship, I get born again.
00:42:50What is that?
00:42:51Like, formatting your hard drive?
00:42:53Yeah, I guess so.
00:42:55Well, I still think we should break up.
00:43:00Honestly?
00:43:03Yeah.
00:43:04No.
00:43:05No.
00:43:05What?
00:43:06Oh, my God.
00:43:07Oh, my God.
00:43:08Oh, my God.
00:43:09Oh, my God.
00:43:10What?
00:43:11That's not what I just gave you?
00:43:15Oh, my God.
00:43:19No.
00:43:20Kim.
00:43:20No.
00:43:21No.
00:43:22No.
00:43:23No.
00:43:24No.
00:43:24No.
00:43:25No, no, no, no, no, no, it's gonna suck so much when you die.
00:43:42Excuse me, what?
00:43:44Never told you what happened to all of my ex-boyfriends.
00:43:49They lived happily ever after?
00:43:52They all disappeared.
00:43:54Maybe they're just hiding from you.
00:43:57Maybe someone killed them and then chopped their bodies into tiny little pieces.
00:44:06What's that crazy look in your eyes?
00:44:08It's love, James.
00:44:10It's the same love that made my mother die from loneliness.
00:44:1480 proof loneliness.
00:44:17But alcohol, alcohol isn't the answer, James.
00:44:23What's the, uh, what's the answer?
00:44:30Straight up street violence.
00:44:35I was joking.
00:44:36I can't, I can't hear you.
00:44:37I was joking.
00:44:39You're joking?
00:44:41You're joking?
00:44:43Oh my God.
00:44:45You just saved her life.
00:44:48You have no idea.
00:44:49From now on, I'm not gonna take anything you say seriously.
00:44:53You're always joking.
00:44:54You're always joking, joking, joking.
00:45:00That's all.
00:45:01Okay.
00:45:02Well, okay.
00:45:03Well, I'll bring you a different shirt later.
00:45:04I'll pick you up at 7.30, okay?
00:45:05Okay.
00:45:06Okay.
00:45:07I love you.
00:45:08I miss you.
00:45:09I miss you.
00:45:20This is all your fault.
00:45:21You know that?
00:45:22Straight up street violence.
00:45:24If you had ovaries, I'd be afraid for your future children.
00:45:27If you had any heart, you would have came and smacked her around a little bit.
00:45:32No, look.
00:45:33What I need is to get out of this relationship without the occurrence of any physical confrontation.
00:45:39That's all I need.
00:45:40Dude, you need an exit strategy.
00:45:43Because unless Osama Bin Laden is hiding in their girls with JJ, you gotta get away.
00:45:47Am I right?
00:45:48You're right.
00:45:49I need to bring your troops on.
00:45:50Bring them home.
00:45:51By troops, I mean my manhood.
00:45:53Exactly.
00:45:54Hold on, wait.
00:45:55Do you guys hear that?
00:45:56What?
00:45:57That's the sound of brain cells dying because that was the dumbest thing I've ever heard
00:46:01in my life.
00:46:02Whatever.
00:46:03You guys are being dumbasses.
00:46:04Whatever.
00:46:05You listen to her, you listen to me.
00:46:06It's your choice.
00:46:11Okay.
00:46:17What?
00:46:18Nothing.
00:46:19I just imagined you saying that you were thinking about what our kids would look like.
00:46:25You imagined me saying that?
00:46:27Mm-hmm.
00:46:28And our wedding too.
00:46:29You said you wanted all of our families to be there.
00:46:32All of our friends will accept Carville.
00:46:34And then you said we'd go to Paris and make love under the Eiffel Tower.
00:46:38And then go to Barcelona and embrace under every landmark for 15 minutes.
00:46:42And then you whispered in my ear, I want to have you inside of me.
00:46:47And I was like, what?
00:46:49That's impossible.
00:46:51And you were like, I know that's impossible, but I still want it.
00:46:55I just love your soul.
00:46:56Aw.
00:46:57You can be so romantic sometimes.
00:47:02You know, imagining me saying something doesn't really count as me saying it, right?
00:47:09Oh.
00:47:10I did good with one.
00:47:11Oh, you know what?
00:47:12James.
00:47:13James can help you.
00:47:14James.
00:47:15Oh.
00:47:16Come on.
00:47:17Help Shawna get the china globes up here.
00:47:19Okay?
00:47:20Yeah, he'll help you.
00:47:21He's taller than that.
00:47:22Perfect.
00:47:23Good.
00:47:24The candles.
00:47:25The candles.
00:47:26You know what?
00:47:27I was thinking about doing...
00:47:28I don't know.
00:47:29Get them out there.
00:47:30What do you think?
00:47:31I think so.
00:47:32Okay, that's what I did for the pool.
00:47:33But you also might want to get some tea candles, like the really small ones.
00:47:34Oh, that's romantic.
00:47:35To set the table.
00:47:36You know what I mean?
00:47:37Very romantic.
00:47:38Because it'll be nice with the sun going down and everything.
00:47:39Maybe we can get James to help clean some of this stuff out of the pool.
00:47:41Yeah, he can do that.
00:47:42I haven't gotten around to it.
00:47:43He can take care of that.
00:47:44That's what he's here for.
00:47:45Good.
00:47:46Good.
00:47:47The more, the merrier.
00:47:48Yeah, so these need to go up here.
00:47:49People are out with that.
00:47:50They'll be good.
00:47:51I'm so excited to get those up.
00:47:52I know.
00:47:53I've been wanting to get those up forever.
00:47:54Yeah, if you could just, you know, kind of...
00:47:55You're tall.
00:47:56You can...
00:47:57I'll just...
00:47:58There's only two of them.
00:47:59You can.
00:48:00Absolutely.
00:48:01It's time for a toast.
00:48:02One, two, three.
00:48:03Come on.
00:48:04Get it out.
00:48:05Come on.
00:48:06You guys are good.
00:48:07Uh-oh.
00:48:08Little tipsy.
00:48:10You guys are my heroes.
00:48:11I want to come here every week because I love each and every one of your faces.
00:48:14As you should.
00:48:15And that's not the rum talking.
00:48:16As you should.
00:48:17That's this guy talking.
00:48:18That's right.
00:48:19Oh, yeah.
00:48:20I didn't think I liked you at first, but...
00:48:23Well, it was the best thing.
00:48:24It was the best thing.
00:48:25No, but you have thrown on me, my friend.
00:48:28Do you guys like the shirt that I bought?
00:48:30I knew you picked that out.
00:48:32You have such great shape.
00:48:33I know.
00:48:35That's awesome.
00:48:36We are wearing purple.
00:48:37Yes, we are.
00:48:38We picked out our outfits, too.
00:48:39I knew that.
00:48:41Doesn't James look great in pink?
00:48:43We're wearing pink together.
00:48:46We have to match the...
00:48:47Oh, nice.
00:48:48Oh.
00:48:49Nice.
00:48:50The tequila melts it so fast.
00:48:52I know.
00:48:53Or is it vodka or rum?
00:48:54I can't remember what.
00:48:55We've had it all.
00:48:56We don't remember.
00:48:57It doesn't matter.
00:48:58It's good.
00:48:59He's getting the job done.
00:49:00Yeah.
00:49:01He might need to be cut off, actually.
00:49:02All right.
00:49:03Oh, come on.
00:49:04This is a little special punch.
00:49:05No, no, no, no.
00:49:06Walk home.
00:49:07Walk home.
00:49:08Walk home before I came on.
00:49:09No, we will not.
00:49:10No, we will not.
00:49:11When you work hard all week, you deserve it.
00:49:13No, I am.
00:49:15That's true.
00:49:16I agree.
00:49:17I will sleep here.
00:49:18I will sleep on a raft in the pool.
00:49:19No, we will not.
00:49:20I want to go home tonight.
00:49:21I will sleep in the pool.
00:49:22Give me a tomorrow.
00:49:23Don't worry about it.
00:49:24PlayStation.
00:49:25Me and you.
00:49:26PlayStation next week.
00:49:27PlayStation!
00:49:28Game night?
00:49:29Okay.
00:49:30PlayStation.
00:49:31Let's do it.
00:49:32Come on, James.
00:49:34James, you need another drink there, man?
00:49:35You look good on pink.
00:49:36Doesn't he?
00:49:37That's what I tell him all the time.
00:49:38He needs to wear more pink.
00:49:40So we can match together.
00:49:42Hey!
00:49:43Hey!
00:49:44What a...
00:49:45Hey!
00:49:46What a...
00:49:47That's horrible.
00:49:48It depends.
00:49:49Why are you bad things?
00:49:50Why are you bad things?
00:49:51All right, Ronnie's having a good time.
00:49:52Just look at me.
00:49:53All right, you're talking.
00:49:54Now you're talking.
00:49:55Oh.
00:49:56All right, man.
00:49:57We need to break...
00:49:58All right, all right.
00:49:59All cheers to that.
00:50:00Yeah.
00:50:01All right, all right, all right.
00:50:02Hey!
00:50:03Hey!
00:50:04Hey!
00:50:05Hey!
00:50:06Hey!
00:50:07Hey!
00:50:08Hey!
00:50:09Hey!
00:50:10Hey!
00:50:11I'm out.
00:50:12Where's he going?
00:50:13Was he upset?
00:50:14I think it might have been a tequila.
00:50:16I'm sorry.
00:50:17He left his shoes.
00:50:18Uh...
00:50:19That was...
00:50:20I mean...
00:50:21I mean...
00:50:22Again, when I...
00:50:36stormed out of the party...
00:50:38back there...
00:50:40I wasn't...
00:50:42storming out of...
00:50:44our relationship.
00:50:45You know...
00:50:46just the party.
00:50:48We're still cool, right?
00:50:51I mean, you're worried about everybody that you're tweeting and BBMing and they're not even your friends in real life.
00:51:05Like, duh.
00:51:06Come on.
00:51:07You're so cute right now.
00:51:08You're jealous.
00:51:09Right.
00:51:10Right.
00:51:11You're so cute.
00:51:12I have so many followers.
00:51:13Right.
00:51:14Right.
00:51:15I don't get it.
00:51:16Like, follow...
00:51:17Follow you where?
00:51:18What is that?
00:51:19You're a Quaker.
00:51:20Right.
00:51:21I'm a Quaker.
00:51:22You're a techno whore.
00:51:23Stuff shop.
00:51:24This is Leona.
00:51:25Now that is the posture of a guy with no whipped cream in his chocolate pudding.
00:51:30What are you doing?
00:51:31Back door was open.
00:51:32Get out.
00:51:33You're not getting that card scoop.
00:51:34Whoa, whoa, hey.
00:51:35Get out.
00:51:36Let's just concentrate on one thing at a time here.
00:51:37I heard about your, uh, situation.
00:51:39What situation?
00:51:40That girl you're living with so you're not homeless.
00:51:43Uh, I was eavesdropping on your friends the other day.
00:51:45Get out.
00:51:46Hey, hey.
00:51:47I heard about your, uh, situation.
00:51:49What situation?
00:51:50That girl you're living with so you're not homeless.
00:51:52Uh, I was eavesdropping on your friends the other day.
00:51:55Get out.
00:51:56Hey, hey, you're not going to be a bad guy.
00:51:59Get out.
00:52:00Hey, I can help you out.
00:52:01I can get her to break up with you.
00:52:03Get out.
00:52:04Come on, dude.
00:52:05I don't have any after school activities.
00:52:11Well, she wouldn't break up on me anyway.
00:52:13Why would she do that?
00:52:14Girls do it all the time.
00:52:16They break up with a guy that they thought was the one just as soon as they find out that
00:52:22he's not the one.
00:52:24So all we gotta do is convince her that you're not the one.
00:52:28Honey, I'm home.
00:52:29You're late.
00:52:30What happened to you?
00:52:31I went to a strip club after work and sucked some boobs and got a lap dance.
00:52:43A couple of lap dances.
00:52:44Oops.
00:52:45Wow.
00:52:46Busted.
00:52:47What is that?
00:52:48Looks like I've been having safe sex.
00:52:49A lot of it too.
00:52:50Don't be fooled by just the one condom.
00:52:51I used a lot of them.
00:52:52Some I used a lot of them.
00:52:53Some I used twice.
00:52:54I doubled up.
00:52:55You don't believe me?
00:52:56You're such a bad liar.
00:52:57You're such a bad liar.
00:52:58That's good though.
00:53:01That's a good question.
00:53:03That's a good question.
00:53:06I can't do that.
00:53:08You're such a bad one.
00:53:09Can't do that.
00:53:10of it too and don't be fooled by just the one condom I used a lot of them some
00:53:15I used twice I doubled up you don't believe me
00:53:22you're such a bad liar that's good though that's a good quality to having a
00:53:29spouse I'm not lying I had sex with a stripper in the strip club
00:53:38what was the stripper's name
00:53:41strawberry banana yogurt was her best friend there rainbow sherbet was it mint
00:53:52chocolate chip
00:54:01man what I love strawberry banana yogurt it's all I could think of your favorite
00:54:06dessert is all you could think of oh well at least you didn't say like rainbow
00:54:10sherbet or mint chocolate chip you should have said like cinnamon or like peaches
00:54:16and cream oh peaches and cream that sounds more like a dynamic duo of strippers so
00:54:20like Batman and Robin peaches and cream do crime-fighting strippers I could be like a
00:54:26TV show like peaches and cream coming up next on HBO yeah I would love it oh my god your
00:54:35boyfriend yo office now that little stunt you had me pull didn't work she didn't
00:54:41believe me did you pull the empty condom wrapper trick this is bad it's interesting
00:54:47it's not interesting it's bad okay I'm getting my advice from a kid a suck
00:54:53machine whoa hey hey hey hey first thing I learned from watching gossip girls is
00:54:58that women are irrational big word can you spell it and when dealing with
00:55:04irrational people you have to be even more irrational you gotta think outside
00:55:09the box well why don't you think outside the store well if it's gonna be a
00:55:17problem then I'll just have to take my services elsewhere you should do that
00:55:21I R R A T I O N A L nice
00:55:27watch gossip girls yes I do I can help you you just gotta trust me but first I'm gonna
00:55:44need that Cal Ripken Jr. rookie card no way mm-hmm I've got this I've got this
00:55:53I'm good at Cal Ripken Jr.
00:56:06Oh, come on.
00:56:07Come on.
00:56:08Come on.
00:56:09Come on.
00:56:10Come on.
00:56:11Come on.
00:56:12Did you pick out a car yet?
00:56:13Yeah.
00:56:14She's the girl.
00:56:19Hi.
00:56:20Hi.
00:56:21Hi.
00:56:22Hi.
00:56:23Hey.
00:56:24Hey.
00:56:25Dad.
00:56:26You're just in time to get your nails done.
00:56:29Who's this?
00:56:31This is Yenny.
00:56:32Right?
00:56:33Apparently, I'm her new mother.
00:56:36Her old one was killed in a freak.
00:56:38It was a hyena and a wolverine attack.
00:56:40And a barracuda.
00:56:41And a barracuda.
00:56:42Wow, that is so heartbreaking.
00:56:45I don't get it.
00:56:46Is this some kind of joke or something?
00:56:48What?
00:56:49You mean you don't remember impregnating a girl when you were 12 years old?
00:56:53Yeah.
00:56:54Oh.
00:56:55Yes.
00:57:00Wow.
00:57:01I was 13.
00:57:03Why don't you come join us on the couch?
00:57:05All right.
00:57:06Sit on down.
00:57:09You must be tired from working all day.
00:57:11Yes.
00:57:12Long day.
00:57:13Yeah.
00:57:14You can get a little closer.
00:57:15We won't bite you.
00:57:17Okay.
00:57:20She looks just like me.
00:57:22That's what everybody...
00:57:23She's got resemblance.
00:57:24Wow.
00:57:26So...
00:57:29Yenny is your name?
00:57:31Dad.
00:57:32You know my name.
00:57:33Stop it.
00:57:34Don't go ahead.
00:57:35Yeah.
00:57:36No.
00:57:37You're gonna have to...
00:57:38You're gonna have to move in with us.
00:57:40Yeah.
00:57:41Right?
00:57:42Okay.
00:57:43Yep.
00:57:44And since I won't be around, you're gonna be her new mommy.
00:57:45How about that?
00:57:46Kim?
00:57:47Of course.
00:57:48What?
00:57:49James, I've always wanted to have your children.
00:57:51I mean, I didn't know it was gonna be so soon.
00:57:55That hurt.
00:57:56But, um, of course I'll help you raise your daughter.
00:58:03Okay.
00:58:05What?
00:58:06Okay, um, this is awkward.
00:58:11I can't, like, really be your daughter because I kind of have a mother already.
00:58:16Yeah.
00:58:17Um, and if I don't get home before curfew, she's gonna be pissed.
00:58:25I tried, okay?
00:58:26Sorry.
00:58:27Really?
00:58:28A barracuda?
00:58:29Scoop said you would pay me.
00:58:30Do you even know what a barracuda is?
00:58:32That's not the point, okay?
00:58:33They attack all the time.
00:58:34How much?
00:58:3550 bucks.
00:58:36Oh, my God.
00:58:37You know, because that's the price of my Justin Bieber tickets.
00:58:40They're a little scam artist.
00:58:41I'm sure.
00:58:42Whose mom gets eaten by a barracuda, really?
00:58:45It could happen.
00:58:46It could totally happen.
00:58:49This better be a snack, too.
00:58:54Doing your dirty work.
00:58:55Come on.
00:58:58That's all I got.
00:59:00Here, take this.
00:59:02Take it.
00:59:03Get out of here.
00:59:04Dude, I don't do piggy banks.
00:59:07Keep it.
00:59:11Thanks for the snack.
00:59:13Oh, you're welcome, sweetie.
00:59:15Well, I guess I'll just let myself out.
00:59:17Scoop.
00:59:18Uh...
00:59:29What was that?
00:59:31Crazy people.
00:59:32Don't let crazy people in the house, man.
00:59:35She could have ex-murdered both of us.
00:59:37Tells we break up.
00:59:38Heads, we stay together.
00:59:41Heads.
00:59:44We're together forever.
00:59:50How about best two out of three?
00:59:52Nope.
00:59:55I said no!
00:59:56It's heads.
00:59:57Oh, shit.
00:59:58You are never getting that Coworkin' Junior rookie card.
00:59:59Never.
01:00:00Dude, chill out.
01:00:01No, I will not chill out.
01:00:02Okay?
01:00:03You douchebag.
01:00:04Okay.
01:00:05Look, I heard about what happened last night.
01:00:06I'm sorry, okay?
01:00:07I'm sure that was gonna work.
01:00:08Yeah, and you owe me 50 bucks for that.
01:00:09Okay.
01:00:10You suckbitch.
01:00:11This is all just part of a trial and error.
01:00:13Now we know what doesn't work, and now we can fix out what does.
01:00:14No, no, no.
01:00:15Your schemes?
01:00:16I'm done with them.
01:00:17They don't work.
01:00:18Okay?
01:00:19I'm giving up.
01:00:21I'm hurt that you would say that.
01:00:22I'm hurt that you would say that.
01:00:23You don't have much.
01:00:24No, no, no.
01:00:25Your schemes?
01:00:26I'm done with them.
01:00:27They don't work.
01:00:28Okay?
01:00:29I'm giving up.
01:00:31I'm hurt that you would say that.
01:00:34You're really giving up.
01:00:36Guys like us don't give up.
01:00:38I mean, where would Middle Earth have been if Frodo and his friends just gave up?
01:00:43What sort of country would we live in if Jack Bauer didn't defend countless terrorist attacks on American soil?
01:00:51You can't give up, man.
01:00:53Because if you do, all those crazy women running around who should be in mental institutions, but they're just so frickin' hot that they're just so
01:01:03They're just gonna have another win.
01:01:04We gotta teach these crazy hot chicks a lesson.
01:01:05Amen.
01:01:06You gotta hang in there, man.
01:01:07I don't know what to do.
01:01:08Dude, okay.
01:01:09I got a plan.
01:01:10It's a little risky, but I think it'll work.
01:01:26Crazy bitches.
01:01:27Crazy bitches.
01:01:28Crazy bitches.
01:01:29Come on.
01:01:30Crazy bitches.
01:01:31Yes.
01:01:32Yes.
01:01:33Reverse psychology.
01:01:34Reverse psychology.
01:01:35It has to be like the worst proposal of all time.
01:01:49Genius.
01:01:50All time.
01:01:51Don't listen to them.
01:01:52Why not?
01:01:53Because what if she says yes?
01:01:56She's not gonna say yes because it's gonna be a crap proposal.
01:01:59No, that's crazy.
01:02:01Look, why don't you just talk with her?
01:02:04Be honest.
01:02:05Tell her how you feel.
01:02:06That would be gay.
01:02:08Really gay.
01:02:09Yeah, you're right.
01:02:11What are you trying to make us gay with all your gay talk?
01:02:13You guys are being idiots.
01:02:15Stuff shop, this is Leona.
01:02:16Can you untie this?
01:02:29Why?
01:02:30Because I want you to take me.
01:02:34Take you where?
01:02:38No, take my body.
01:02:44Can I just take you to the movies instead?
01:02:51No.
01:02:52What are you doing?
01:02:55I want to take your body.
01:02:57I want to take you just a little bit.
01:02:59No, it's my time of the month.
01:03:01I can't do that.
01:03:02Come on you.
01:03:03Make me feel like a woman.
01:03:05I think we should break up.
01:03:07I think you should break up with me.
01:03:08Why would I want to do that?
01:03:09You're the biggest boy forever.
01:03:11Thanks, but I don't want to be that few.
01:03:13You're the biggie.
01:03:14Those are the little carpet.
01:03:15Come on, Kim.
01:03:16We're not compatible.
01:03:17Many people aren't supposed to mate.
01:03:18Answer me.
01:03:19Right now.
01:03:20No, Kim.
01:03:21No.
01:03:22Why not?
01:03:23Because.
01:03:24Because what?
01:03:25Because, Kim.
01:03:26Because we have to get married.
01:03:27Right?
01:03:28Did you say married?
01:03:29Yeah.
01:03:30I did.
01:03:31Hi.
01:03:32Is Leona here?
01:03:33Leona.
01:03:34Leona.
01:03:35Are you Mr. Rogers?
01:03:36Yes.
01:03:37It's a beautiful day, isn't it?
01:03:38Sure.
01:03:39In the neighborhood?
01:03:40I guess.
01:03:41Can I ask you a question?
01:03:42Can I ask you a question?
01:03:43Yes.
01:03:44It's a beautiful day, isn't it?
01:03:46Sure.
01:03:47In the neighborhood.
01:03:48I guess.
01:03:49Can I ask you a question?
01:03:51Yeah.
01:03:52Hi, is Leona here?
01:03:54Leona?
01:03:58Are you Mr. Rogers?
01:03:59Yes.
01:04:02It's a beautiful day, isn't it?
01:04:04Sure.
01:04:05In the neighborhood?
01:04:07I guess.
01:04:09Can I ask you a question?
01:04:12Yeah.
01:04:13How's it feel to be so old,
01:04:15dating somebody so young,
01:04:17that huge age gap difference?
01:04:21Feels fine.
01:04:22Why?
01:04:23Age is just a number anyway.
01:04:27Okay.
01:04:28So have you found that being 60
01:04:31and dating a 20-year-old is better than being married,
01:04:37having kids, being loved?
01:04:40I'm 45.
01:04:42Besides, I already did the whole family thing.
01:04:46It's my choice to date 20-year-olds.
01:04:48And that's, that's a good thing?
01:04:53Yeah.
01:04:56I'm happy.
01:04:58Hey.
01:04:59Hey.
01:05:02Alright, we'll see you tonight.
01:05:03Tonight?
01:05:04Your engagement party?
01:05:06Oh, yeah, that?
01:05:08No.
01:05:09Probably won't go to that.
01:05:10I was thinking about jumping off a bridge after work.
01:05:13Pry me a river, George Bailey.
01:05:16See you later.
01:05:18Yep, I'll leave you in my will.
01:05:22Kim.
01:05:24Kim.
01:05:27Look, I always knew this was gonna happen.
01:05:30I just,
01:05:31just thought it would be with somebody more attractive.
01:05:35You know what I look forward to?
01:05:37You waiting on me hand and foot.
01:05:39Like, I heard this like a log when you get married.
01:05:41That'll be fine.
01:05:44How do you feel about polygamy?
01:05:47We'll talk about it later.
01:05:49I'm gonna try really, really hard
01:05:52not to cheat on you.
01:05:54That much.
01:05:55Not that much.
01:05:57Minimal.
01:05:57Minimal.
01:05:58So, here we go.
01:06:00Kim.
01:06:01You can make me the happiest man.
01:06:04Kinda happy.
01:06:05Not really.
01:06:06In the world right now.
01:06:08By
01:06:11accepting my
01:06:13blah, blah, blah
01:06:15marriage proposal.
01:06:16Will you marry me?
01:06:17And stuff like that.
01:06:20All that crap.
01:06:21Whatever.
01:06:25Yes.
01:06:27I'm, what?
01:06:29I'll marry you.
01:06:30No, no, that's not what you said.
01:06:31Hello.
01:06:32Hello, may I speak to Kim?
01:06:34This is Kim.
01:06:35How you doing, Kim?
01:06:36This is Big Boy from Big Boy's Neighborhood.
01:06:39This is who?
01:06:39This is Big Boy from Big Boy's Neighborhood.
01:06:41We have a friend of yours down here.
01:06:44Oh, okay.
01:06:45Alrighty, yeah.
01:06:46Your friend James is here.
01:06:48James?
01:06:49Yes.
01:06:49James is, he's not my friend, but James is my fiancee.
01:06:52Hi, Kim.
01:06:53Right.
01:06:53Oh.
01:06:54See, I didn't know this.
01:06:55James is your fiancee.
01:06:56Oops.
01:06:57I forgot to mention that.
01:06:58Okay, well, I didn't know that you guys were engaged and that this was your fiancee, but
01:07:03he came down to the neighborhood.
01:07:05We were on air talking about relationships, and he made sure he came in to tell us that
01:07:11he's no longer happy with the relationship, he doesn't want to marry you.
01:07:15What?
01:07:15Is this a joke?
01:07:16No, no, honey.
01:07:17This isn't a joke.
01:07:19He really had us call you to let you know that he's done.
01:07:22For real.
01:07:23I don't know who you guys are or who put you up to this, but I'm not buying it.
01:07:27Kim, Kim.
01:07:28Kim, this, James is here.
01:07:29Say hello to her.
01:07:30Hello, Kim.
01:07:32Hi.
01:07:32Kermie?
01:07:34What?
01:07:34What?
01:07:34No?
01:07:35He don't want you to call him honey anymore, is he?
01:07:36I think he doesn't want you to be upset.
01:07:38Right.
01:07:38So why would I get upset?
01:07:40Because I, he got evicted from his apartment and begged to stay with me, and so I let him,
01:07:45and I took for him and cleaned for him, and now he's calling me on the radio in front
01:07:50of everybody to say that he doesn't want to be with me anymore.
01:07:53But you know what?
01:07:53He still wants you to cook.
01:07:54Why couldn't I be upset?
01:07:55He still wants you to cook and clean, and he still wants to stay on the couch.
01:07:57He just don't want to be engaged.
01:07:58He don't want to be in a relationship with you anymore.
01:08:00Roommate.
01:08:01All the other stuff.
01:08:01Yeah, roommate.
01:08:02Not mate.
01:08:03Exactly.
01:08:03Yeah, I, that's not going to work.
01:08:05Liz, are you there?
01:08:06Yeah, I'm here.
01:08:07You know, this is so typical.
01:08:09Does he know you need a guy, and he pretends to be Prince Charming in the beginning.
01:08:13He's whining you.
01:08:14He's signing you.
01:08:15He's taking you out.
01:08:15Did you do that?
01:08:16All this stuff.
01:08:17Maybe a little bit.
01:08:18All of his money, and then you find out in the end that it was all just, you know,
01:08:22it was pretend.
01:08:23He was taking it.
01:08:24Well, yeah.
01:08:25Who does that?
01:08:26Right.
01:08:27Oh, James does that.
01:08:27And then now, you know.
01:08:28Well, you know what?
01:08:29Just in a nutshell, Kim, he doesn't want to be with you anymore.
01:08:33He wants it to be over.
01:08:35He still wants you to cook and clean for him.
01:08:37Yeah.
01:08:38If possible, he would like to have the linen changed on the sofa tonight, and he's done.
01:08:44She beats me.
01:08:44What?
01:08:45And he said he don't want you to be physical with him anymore.
01:08:48You know what the problem is?
01:08:49The problem is you.
01:08:50He's just afraid of intimacy.
01:08:51No, the problem is him.
01:08:52The problem is he's afraid of intimacy.
01:08:54You know, and I listen to your show all the time.
01:08:56I see a really, really big fan.
01:08:57And if you don't mind me quoting you guys, it's just relationships are all about, you know,
01:09:02loving each other past your mistakes.
01:09:05And that's what, you know, I'm trying to do.
01:09:07You're like, I know I'm not perfect, and he's not perfect, but he's told me he's got
01:09:10intimacy issues, and I'm willing to love him past that.
01:09:13No, I don't have intimacy issues.
01:09:15All of that.
01:09:15Intimacy issues.
01:09:17Right.
01:09:18I mean, is it crazy to you that he's saying anything to kind of get out of this relationship?
01:09:23You know what I think is crazy is that he's just so afraid to be in love.
01:09:33You warned me.
01:09:34Why didn't I listen?
01:09:35Nobody listens.
01:09:38Everybody rushes.
01:09:42Where's old man River?
01:09:44Um, he dumped me.
01:09:47Yeah.
01:09:48He was like, um, you should find someone your own age.
01:09:52You should settle down.
01:09:53Start a family.
01:09:55That kind of stuff.
01:09:56It was weird.
01:09:59Wow.
01:10:00What?
01:10:01All this time, I didn't realize it was right in front of me until now.
01:10:06What are you talking about?
01:10:08Are you drunk?
01:10:10Oh, oh, God, James!
01:10:12Sorry.
01:10:12Oh, no.
01:10:14Oh, what the hell is wrong with you?
01:10:16I just kissed Leona.
01:10:17Oh, God.
01:10:18Dude, on the lips?
01:10:18Oh, God.
01:10:19Dude, you know how many penises have been on these bad boys, man?
01:10:21What?
01:10:21Shut up.
01:10:22Only two.
01:10:23Right.
01:10:23Stop.
01:10:24Right.
01:10:24Yeah, too many.
01:10:25Come on.
01:10:26Oh, God.
01:10:26What you thinking?
01:10:27Sorry.
01:10:27He tried the whole 80s movie, I'm really in love with my platonic girlfriend move.
01:10:32No.
01:10:32What is that?
01:10:33Uh.
01:10:34Yeah.
01:10:34Oh, God.
01:10:35I can't go through with this.
01:10:36I can't.
01:10:38Well, maybe you could run.
01:10:40She'll find me.
01:10:41Oh, too late.
01:10:42Here she comes.
01:10:44What are you doing out here?
01:10:45Everybody's inside.
01:10:48Leona, kiss me.
01:10:49Oh, God.
01:10:49Oh, God.
01:10:49Kiss me.
01:10:51Make it look real.
01:10:52Let me get in.
01:10:53Freaking freak!
01:10:54Don't push me.
01:10:55Oh, God.
01:10:56I like it.
01:10:56Oh, God.
01:10:58Me, too.
01:11:01This feels good.
01:11:03Uh-uh, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop.
01:11:05Dude, really?
01:11:06Oh, God.
01:11:07I'm sorry.
01:11:08I'm sorry.
01:11:08I apologize.
01:11:10Kim, come here.
01:11:11What?
01:11:12You didn't say sorry to me.
01:11:13I didn't know you were into that, baby.
01:11:15You should have told me.
01:11:15No, I'm not.
01:11:16No, I'm not into that.
01:11:17Kim, seriously, stop.
01:11:19I think that you deserve a guy that wants the same things you want.
01:11:22Marriage, kids, true happiness.
01:11:24But you make me happy.
01:11:26Well, right now I might, but in the long run, I won't.
01:11:30You don't know that.
01:11:31You're right.
01:11:32I don't, but we want different things in life.
01:11:36That's okay.
01:11:37Differences are good.
01:11:38It gives us stuff to talk about, right?
01:11:39On the surface, yeah, maybe.
01:11:41But as a couple, not wanting the same things is bad.
01:11:46It can lead to unhappiness.
01:11:50So what do you want, James?
01:11:52Uh, I don't know.
01:11:57I just, I know that I don't want to be 60 and unhappy because that'll lead to unhappy breakfast
01:12:08and oatmeal shit in it.
01:12:12Well, can't we just work on it?
01:12:14I don't want to work on it.
01:12:18Wow, that sounded bad.
01:12:20Maybe I should have just told you all this in the beginning.
01:12:24Yeah, you should have.
01:12:26Sorry.
01:12:26Tails.
01:12:41What's that?
01:12:44What does that mean?
01:12:44It's over between us, James.
01:12:47Over.
01:12:47You are now, I'm going to do this for you.
01:12:52You are now anointed a single man, James.
01:12:54And probably homeless, too.
01:12:55Can I say something?
01:12:56Yes.
01:12:56If I end up missing, uh, Kim is the one to arrest.
01:13:01Okay, there it is.
01:13:02So if you come up missing, we'll make sure that Kim goes to jail.
01:13:05You're really scared of him.
01:13:06Don't change the door locks, love.
01:13:07He's coming home.
01:13:08Yeah, he's coming home.
01:13:08That's right.
01:13:09And make sure that you go ahead and put those pillows together up for him so he can sleep on that couch.
01:13:12See you later, roomie.
01:13:13All right.
01:13:14Seeing you with my daddy, the baby ate dinner like a family.
01:13:22It felt good.
01:13:23You haven't sex with my daughter.
01:13:25I haven't felt that way since my mom passed away.
01:13:27I do.
01:13:28I do.
01:13:29I do.
01:13:30I do.
01:13:30I do.
01:13:30I do.
01:13:30I do.
01:13:31I do.
01:13:32I do.
01:13:33I do.
01:13:38I do.
01:13:39Are you going to go in or are you just going to sit here?
01:13:41I do.
01:13:42I do.
01:13:44I do.
01:13:44I just love your son.
01:13:47I do.
01:13:48Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
01:13:50Come on.
01:13:53It's tour day.
01:13:54Seriously, you're always joking.
01:14:03You're always joking, joking, joking, joking.
01:14:05Don't worry. I'll be the DJ. Don't worry. I'll be the DJ.
01:14:35You're right. My mother was unhappy. And it's not because my father left her. It's because she didn't love herself. I can see how hard it was for my dad to live with that. And I don't want to be with someone who wasn't happy with himself.
01:14:58I know. What you said. Telling me the truth no matter how much it hurt. It meant a lot. Thanks. I don't know. Sometimes I just worry about ending up alone so I guess it makes me a little aggressive. A little? Yeah, I'm sorry.
01:15:26Yeah. I'm sorry too. Really sorry. Kind of sorry. I'm sorry.
01:15:43So, where are you going to go?
01:15:49I would say Barcelona. But I can't afford that.
01:15:54You can sell your TV.
01:15:57That's not funny.
01:16:03I guess you can sleep on my couch until you find a place.
01:16:09Really?
01:16:11After all that?
01:16:13Don't make me flip the coin.
01:16:15No, I'm just saying.
01:16:17Are you sure? Because I don't want to impose...
01:16:19What are you doing?
01:16:20No!
01:16:20I'm so tired of being broke
01:16:28It's hard enough being alone
01:16:32To weather these storms
01:16:35I'm so tired of being broke
01:16:36I'm so tired of being broke
01:16:37I'm so sorry I let you down
01:16:42If only I knew the way
01:16:46To get ourselves out
01:16:49I'm so sorry I let you down
01:16:50If only I knew the way
01:16:54To get ourselves out
01:16:55Or are you kind
01:16:57Or are you kind?
01:17:01Are you a quick understand?
01:17:02I wonder why we won't make you fight
01:17:07But...
01:17:07Remember, please, we are lucky
01:17:15I don't know why I get so sad
01:17:23I guess it feels like I've gone mad
01:17:26And there's no escape
01:17:33I try and do just what I can
01:17:37To help my fellow man
01:17:40But it's not enough
01:17:44Are you blanket or are you kind?
01:17:55Are we one or are we one big divide?
01:17:58But remember, please, we are
01:18:07Are lucky
01:18:09We're so lucky
01:18:24We're so lucky
01:18:38Are you think good or are you kind?
01:18:42Are we one or are we one big divide?
01:18:50But remember, please, we are lucky
01:19:00Yeah, I'm the one big divide
01:19:05The Guyanami
01:19:08I'm the one big divide
01:19:08I'm the one big divide
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