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00:00Dr. Jess, so so good. We're protecting our peace and enforcing boundaries all 2023. That's right,
00:12right? Now, if you're having a good time today, don't forget to share your Essence Festival
00:17experience with us by using the hashtag Essence Fest and let the world know where Black Joy
00:24really, really resides and it resides right here at Essence Festival, all right? Y'all ready for
00:29the next conversation? This one's good. I mean, they're all good, but this one's really, really
00:34good. There's nothing better than seeing the beauty of Black love. Make some noise for Black love.
00:43But can we be for real? Relationships are hard work. Can I get an amen for that? I mean,
00:48they really are. So here to have a candid conversation about overcoming the real challenges
00:54of love and relationships in the digital world, please welcome to the stage, licensed marriage
01:01and family therapist, Beverly Andre.
01:09Rapper, icon, Mr. Styles P and his lovely wife, Arjua Styles.
01:16And HGTV, real estate and design stars, Egypt Sharad and her husband, Mike Jackson.
01:31Yes.
01:31More than ever.
01:31Yes.
01:33We gonna get it on together.
01:34An emcee, you know we belong together.
01:36Come on.
01:37Check, check, check, check, check, check.
01:39When you love, boy, can't you see?
01:42Boy, come back, baby, please.
01:44Come back, baby, please.
01:45Come back, baby, please.
01:46Come back, baby, please.
01:47Come back, baby.
01:48Come back, baby.
01:49Come back, baby.
01:50Come back, baby.
01:51Come back, baby, please.
01:52Come back, baby, please.
01:53Come back, baby.
01:54Come back, baby.
01:55Come back, baby, please.
01:56Essence Fest, how y'all doing today?
01:59I know it's early.
02:00So y'all were out late.
02:01It's OK.
02:02My name is Beverly Andre and I'm a couple therapist, and I'm excited to dive into this conversation all
02:09about Black love beyond social media.
02:11So we have these beautiful couples up here.
02:13up here. So we're just going to get into all the things, okay? Alrighty, so we're going to do a
02:18quick background about how you met your partner. So Styles and Adwoa, how did you guys meet and
02:24how did you know that out of everybody on this earth, that was my person? Alright, well, I met
02:32him in the studio and I'm not a groupie, but I did meet him in the studio. Yeah, I was assisting
02:38another artist at the time. And one of the things that stuck out to me was that he noticed
02:44my nail polish color. And at that age and being a man, that was significant for me. So that
02:51was one of the things and how good he was with children. Yeah. Styles? Don't lie. I just
03:03knew. It was more of a gut feeling. Her presence, her spirit, her essence, it was just something
03:10I was heavily into. It was like automatically. It felt like I knew her, but I didn't. Felt
03:17like whom? Yeah, I felt like I knew her before, met her before, and it just was easier. Then
03:22as we got to know each other and we were being friends, she showed me something totally different
03:28from the women I had previously dated. Like she was the first one who actually took care
03:33of me, helped me out, filled in the blanks where I wasn't at. Why is that? So it was,
03:40you know. So she was a compliment. A compliment. It doesn't hurt that she noticed the details
03:45of the nail polish. Find you somebody who noticed the things about you, okay? Alright, so Egypt
03:51and Mike, how did you guys meet each other and how did you know that's my person? The short
03:57story, babe. She says the short story because we say all the time how our love could be turned
04:04into a movie, right? So we met on three different incidents and with a six-month interview in
04:09between. The first time I saw her, I knew she was my wife. It was like literally the light
04:14was only shining on her and I said, I don't know who she is, but that's my wife, right? And
04:18I thought he was running a line. Come on, light. Well, because he said that and I was
04:22like, boy, move. So it caught your attention. The funny thing about that was I was actually
04:28in the middle of meeting someone else when I saw her. Exactly. He was on a date with another
04:33woman. And I saw her. The second time, unbeknownst to me, New York City, Puerto Rican Day Parade,
04:38I'm on a float and she had walked past this float three times trying to get my attention,
04:42not realizing I was the same guy. So she saw me before I saw her and then I didn't give her
04:49my number. We didn't exchange numbers because it felt awkward, right? It was awkward. But
04:52so now here's how God works. We were both also coming out of relationships. So timing is
04:58everything, I do believe. So months later, I'm flipping a house in Newark, New Jersey,
05:04and I had just fired my construction team. I called my mentor like, I need some help. I need
05:11another team. He pulls up with his folks and I said, I needed a contractor, not a DJ.
05:18Cause that's how I met him originally. He was a DJ. But anyway, fast forward 18 years
05:24later, here we are. And I'm going to tell you that first time I met him when he said,
05:29you're my wife, you just don't know it yet. I did feel something. I felt like that immediate
05:34connection to him. But again, timing is everything. Right. That is everything. Cause you know,
05:39sometimes people will give you that line, but once you know, you know, and even if you're
05:42not paying attention, you'll have more opportunities. Right. More opportunities
05:48to meet each other because you know, it didn't work out the first time. Yeah. Alrighty. So,
05:53uh, Audra and Stiles, you guys both did marriage bootcamp a few years ago. What
05:58went into the decision for you two to do that and share it with the world?
06:02Um, I would say just transparency, just being ourselves and showing our journey and, and
06:11needing therapy, you know, so you can always, uh, go for more healing and more therapy. Yeah.
06:18Stiles, you want to add to that?
06:19Uh, we have about 27, 28 years together. So, uh, she's, she's, she's a lot, she's a lot smarter
06:28than me. So I have to do some, I had to do some catching up and, uh, you know, um,
06:36knowing that I needed therapy and it was, it was a good thing to do. And really just one,
06:42we're big on people. Um, we love black couples and especially, um, in music and in our walk of life
06:48and what we do is important to promote black love just in general, let people know that,
06:53you know, what it is. I love that. And it's important to be a lifelong learner of your partner,
06:59right? Absolutely. Alrighty. So Egypt and Mike, you guys both executive produce and host your own HDTV
07:08show, Married to Real Estate. Give us an inside glimpse at how you manage your marriage as well as
07:15your business. And what went into your decision to share these aspects with your fans?
07:21Well, let me just say when we decided to bring our marriage and our children on TV,
07:27it was not a decision made lightly. Prior to that, I had already been on HDTV hosting shows. Mike was
07:35always in the background making me look good on camera, right? Um, but we knew that a lot like
07:41what Stiles and Ajua said, people need to see healthy, whole, healed black families. They need to
07:48see that we love strong, that we fight hard, that we build businesses. We don't tear down, we build.
07:56And we're, we're, we'll do good on our own ladies. We can be strong, but we're better together.
08:01So our decision to bring our family on TV was because we felt like people needed to see more
08:07more imagery, positive imagery, um, that contrasted the negative fighting, cat fighting all the time.
08:15Mike and I were asked, uh, for three years to be a part of a very popular reality show based out of
08:21Atlanta. And we actually said yes, one year. And I woke up in the middle of the night, like in a hot
08:27sweat. And I was like, God said no, babe. God said no. I was like, no. And he was like, Dennis, no.
08:34Right. I thought he was going to be upset. He was like, Dennis, no. So we didn't, you know,
08:40we thought maybe we turned down a really great opportunity for our business and all of that.
08:44But you know, we had to listen and be obedient. But then during COVID, a lot came out of COVID for us.
08:52Everybody was like working from home. We had our kids and everything spread out on the counters.
08:57Mike decides to film. He's like, this is a show. This is the show for social media, right?
09:02But then we really made a show out of it and sold it to HGTV because they saw,
09:10they too at the time were like, we need more representation. And right now we have a very
09:15unbalanced network. So just going to say that, especially on HG. Yeah. Yeah. Hello.
09:20You introduce them to something different, right? Because when you miss something and then you see
09:25it, you're like, okay, we need that. Yeah.
09:27Yeah. You know, and to add to what, to the, to answer the question and to add to what my wife
09:31said as well as that, for us, we knew it was organic. We knew that behind the cameras and in
09:37front of the cameras, we were going to be the same people no matter what. So it wasn't a hard decision
09:41as to how and why we should bring our business and our family to the network or to any television
09:47show. We knew we were bringing our authentic selves. Y'all can put us on the blogs. Y'all can dig as deep as
09:53you want digging dirt. You're not going to find nothing. This is real. Right. Yeah.
09:57All right. Thank you guys. So speaking about social media, right, in the age of oversharing,
10:01um, considering that you guys all did reality shows about your marriage and partnership,
10:06do you and your partner now set boundaries around what you share with the world about your relationship?
10:12Well, I'm sorry. Styles was ready. He was like, yeah, because I'm going to tell you why.
10:17Because interestingly enough, um, when we did marriage bootcamp, that was one of our conflicts.
10:22I kind of infringed on our, uh, contract, I would say, because we had boundaries set and,
10:29you know, it was working. But again, when you're being transparent, it just kind of
10:33happened. And thank God we had, you know, therapists on deck because they were able to
10:38assist with us. But for the most part, um, I feel as though like with social media,
10:44TV or anything, like whatever the issues that you have, they're already reflective in your relationship.
10:51It's just heightened through social media. So, you know, um, I don't know, we're,
10:56we're both on the same page when it comes to that. So naturally, so I don't know.
11:02Yeah, I believe that, um, well, I take social media out of our marriage. I believe in the boundaries.
11:09Um, if you are who you are, you're going to be who you are, you're going to be that around the clock.
11:13But you have to be mindful that social media, there's a lot of negativity on social media.
11:19So a person who doesn't feel good about themselves, it's easy for them to go on someone's page
11:23and tear down what they don't like, whether they see the reflection of something they like
11:27or don't like. So without marriage, I really don't take social media into mine. I just take out
11:35what our personal boundaries are for the world in mind. But social media is going to do
11:40what social media does. And I think as a married couple, as a single person, as a person period,
11:46that you just have to have an idea that social media is exactly what that social media. Like,
11:53you know what I mean? Mike, I need you. You know, for us, I would say this for my wife,
12:00to me, don't you ever put my baby on social media without her hair done. Okay.
12:07We argue about that. I'm like, you let her edges look like that on Instagram.
12:12But on a serious note, again, it's the same thing with TV. We are who we are on and off the camera,
12:17right? So we've never had to come to the table and say, what is it that you don't want to put
12:22on here? Because we know anything we do put on there is going to be a reflection of positivity.
12:27We're either going to teach somebody or make them laugh or show themselves to us because we do that
12:33on our TV show as well. A lot of people stop us all the time and say, I see me in your show and we
12:38appreciate you guys being authentically you. But I think we have to be able to laugh at ourselves,
12:44too. That's how I look at social media. And I think you hit the nail on the head. You got to be
12:49healthy and secure in yourself because it's only going to magnify what's there. I look at it as a
12:55comic relief. And so, you know, we've been able to laugh at ourselves. He did cross one line,
13:01though. He crossed the line. You want to talk about it? Well, I tried to wear a lace front wig.
13:05Some people got this down where they can make it not look like a lace front. I don't have it down.
13:11The nail. The nail. I ordered the wig. I got the wig. It was beautiful. But I didn't learn how to
13:16properly put it on. So the edges were kind of, so I actually go on TV now. The edges wasn't edging.
13:23The edges wasn't edging. But a lot of our camera guys are white. They don't know nothing about the
13:28lace fronts. So they're watching us on camera and they don't know, like, Egypt, your lace front is curling
13:34up and all. Mike is sitting next to me looking at me. And then the wig starts sliding back. This is
13:40on TV, by the way. It's on an episode in season two, right? So I'm in bed sick. Mike comes upstairs
13:48with the telephone because he's, like, laughing apparently about how my wig looks on camera.
13:53Oh, he was laughing.
13:54He comes in the bedroom, y'all. Now, in the bedroom, I got the doobie wrap on. And I got
14:00a scarf on. So I already look crazy in the bedroom. And I look crazy on TV at the same time. And he just
14:06got the camera in my face cracking up. Now, that was the only time I was really mad and considering
14:10divorce. That was the only time. There are those lines you don't cross. But other than that, we're good.
14:18Yeah. Right. So speaking about social media, everybody has an opinion. And so when it comes
14:24to relationships and internet trolls, have you guys ever experienced challenges in your relationship
14:30as a result of something you shared publicly? And how did you deal with that?
14:34That's a question. I actually can't recall. I actually can't recall.
14:39She said can't relate. No. Can't relate.
14:42That one we don't have. Like, with social media, I think people have to know, like, it's a,
14:48some people are, we all seek attention. It has to, you have to have that level of attention
14:54you're comfortable with before you even throw something out there. Like, and your personal
14:59business is your personal business, unless you want to share. If we're going to share something
15:03personal, it's going to be out of wanting to help somebody or somebody being able to learn
15:08from our experiences, our past, but we're not, we ain't the type to just run the social media and
15:16and give our information. It's not like if we, we use it for the benefits of our business,
15:22ourselves, what we're doing, our community, and we're in the health and wellness field. So
15:27we definitely can't be on social media acting ignorant and especially selling juices and herbs
15:34and oils. It, that doesn't make sense. So we, we're pretty cool in that aspect.
15:38I think that when it comes to us, um, whether, I mean, we are very well received, which is great
15:47because it really doesn't matter. At the end of the day, you have to have that on your own, uh,
15:52strength within that. But for us, I feel like people really celebrate us. You know,
15:57they're really happy to see us, which is, it's great. And we're authentic. So I think they believe it.
16:02They believe us. So I think that's part of why we do definitely get trolls, I would say, but they're,
16:08they're very, it's not a lot. You don't match the energy. Yeah.
16:13I would, I would, uh, you know, echo what they're saying. We, we never had to deal with that.
16:17What we do have, I would say is we have a lot of aunties and uncles in our comment section, you know,
16:23baby, you need to do this or baby fix that or make sure you don't do that next time. For instance,
16:28there's a video of, um, Harper and I, that's our daughter, our youngest daughter, where she's
16:32leaping into my arms off of the dresser. And the video at this point is at like, I think 120 million
16:38views. It went viral crazy, but there was an extremely positive reach, our reaction to that.
16:45And then you had those that wanted to know, why is your baby on the dresser? Uh, why your baby didn't
16:50do this? So why you didn't do this on us? You know, cause the baby was standing on the dresser.
16:55When you're not around, your baby's going to jump off the dresser. When it was a moment where that's,
16:59I always put on a dresser cause she's gets at my height so I can change her. And you know,
17:03we have a prayer and we have an interaction. And that moment she said, daddy, let's do our jump.
17:08And I said, all right, do your jump. But it went viral instantly, but it was the aunties and uncles in
17:14there. Baby don't do that no more. Baby don't do it. So it's not trolls. It's just those that are being
17:18protective of who we are as a family. I would agree. Yeah. Right. So the intent is to protect,
17:24but I think it's also a little judgment, a little dab of judgment, but you know, I think we need to
17:29give couples credit that they can protect their own relationship that, you know, that you don't
17:34need to be doing all of that. Um, so what advice would you give to a new couple who wants to protect
17:41their marriage and they're recently married? They don't want to let the outside world in.
17:45I'm going to start with that one. Well, people are going to get in if you let them in. Just remember
17:52that. And I think the, I think what's beautiful, like as, as you see with Egypt and Mike ourselves,
17:58like one, if you're in a relationship, you're going to have trials and tribulations that that's,
18:02that's part of life, but having each other, having a strong, significant other is the reason why you
18:09don't fall into what trolls and followers and what, like they, they don't live in your house
18:14with you. They not under your roof. So it's for us to get through what we're going through. I would
18:20tell a young, young couples get through with what you're going through together, lean off of each
18:25other. Um, when you, when you're like my wife compliments all my weaknesses. Uh, I like to feel
18:33I do the same with her and that's pretty much good enough, uh, to keep, to keep moving on. We're not
18:39perfect, but we're just going to keep pushing out the envelope for when it comes to doing our thing.
18:45And I would say to portray authenticity because that comes with balance, you know, because if you
18:51just try to put out something that's inauthentic or, you know, everything's perfect and everything's
18:57great and grand, it's, it's unbelievable because that's not a real relationship.
19:00You can't trust that. So yeah, not at all. Yeah. I would say give it 24 hours because
19:07piggybacking off of what Ajwa just said, relationships have ebbs and flows, right?
19:13You're going to have great days and then you're going to have Wednesdays, which is our, our staff
19:17meeting day where I want to kill him. Well, I give it 24 hours though, right? Don't emotionally post.
19:24And I think we're in this, we're in this world where everything happens and we want to post it
19:29instantly and we want to tell everybody everything instantly, but instead you got to like step away
19:35from that, breathe, calm down because the internet lives forever. Once it's posted, it is there and you
19:42may, you may regret it. You may not feel that way the next day, right? So do that and then you can
19:47protect your relationship and the integrity thereof.
19:51I would say to that question, because the question again was to the young couple,
19:56newlywed, just getting into business together. I would say, make sure your foundation is solid
20:02within between the two of you, because if you two don't work, no matter what you tried to build on
20:06that foundation, it's not going to work. Right. And as far as style piece said, it's only who you're
20:12going to let in. That's going to make it work. Right. So make sure you let in the right people so that your
20:16tribe, the people that's going to protect and build you up are those that belong in that circle.
20:21Right. Yeah. That was so good. That was so good. I'm like, yeah, taking it for myself. So this is a
20:29tough one, but statistics now show that almost 50% of marriages end in divorce. And when it comes to
20:37black couples, we have the highest rate of divorce with 30%, right? So what do you consider your personal
20:44defenses against marriage warfare? Listen, I think a lot of people are getting married for the wrong
20:50reasons. Marriage is work. Really? When you look it up in a dictionary, it should say marriage equals
20:56work. Simple, which means every day that you get up, you make a conscious decision that the union you
21:02created is worth the work that you got to put in to keep it healthy. And a lot of times we put so much
21:09into our jobs or our careers. We pour so much into our image, so much into our social media and leave
21:16very little left for the actual union. Mike and I, um, we actually canceled our wedding.
21:22We were scheduled to get married and we realized that we hadn't done the work and this was three
21:28weeks before the wedding. Um, so we decided, we made a conscious decision that we wanted to put more
21:34work into our relationship before actually saying I do. So we canceled the wedding. All the calls were
21:39like, girl, he cheated on you. No, we, this is, you know, this is something we want to do. And then when
21:45we did say I do, we were ready, ready, you know, and to be a team. And we understood, you know, more what
21:51that union called for from each of us to be one. And it was taking the I out of the relationship and
21:58substituting it in for the us and the we. Right. That's good. That's good. Well, um,
22:11uh, well, there's, there's a story behind that laugh. You got to keep people. It goes back to who
22:22you let in your business, what you're having your relationship for and what's the reason going on.
22:27A lot of young black marriages don't last. A lot of marriages don't last because
22:32a marriage is a journey. Like she was saying, it should say marriages work in a journey.
22:39Like, so you're going to have ups and downs. Now, if you're not solid within who you are
22:44and solid and within learning off of each other, that's why the marriages fail. Like you have to know
22:50who's strong here, who's weak here, who's weak here, who's strong here, how to meet in the middle,
22:55how to listen and learn, how to figure it out. Example, my wife didn't like me yesterday.
23:03Yesterday, she ain't like me yesterday. But you know, but it takes some, sometimes you have to
23:10talk things out or you have to listen or you have to know when not to talk, when to stop talking,
23:15when to come back and, and, and, and focus on it. And then want to look at something and say
23:20where you're wrong at and where you went wrong. Like I'm a, I'm a little hardheaded at times and
23:26she'll be saying a point that's exactly right. But maybe my emotions aren't intact all the way to
23:31receive it. And I don't want to, I don't want to hear it at that time from her when I'm angry and
23:36that she's right. So you might, you might not say the thing. So it's, it's about taking your time
23:41and understanding that you have a love or if you have a love, that's going to stand the test of
23:46time about figuring it out and not letting other people into your business and trying to have that
23:52conversation on your own and constantly, whether it's reading something, figuring it out, talking,
24:01therapy, whatever you got to do, you got to figure out something to be able to, to reproach and come and
24:07fix the situation. Well, in a nutshell, I would just say, monitor your outside influences. Yeah.
24:13You know, because between family, friends, social media, everyone has a comment, a judgment,
24:18an opinion. And at the end of the day, the only opinions that should matter is what you guys,
24:23you know, feel and think. I'd like to add to that too, as well. You both said two things that I speak
24:29about a lot. Within marriages, we underestimate two things, fun and like. The reason we work is
24:37because we continue to date each other. I actually like her. How you doing? Because you can be in love
24:44with someone that you do not like, right? We underestimate, underestimate the power of liking
24:50someone. I love you, but I don't like you. So can you go over there? You can love a family mama,
24:56you can love a family mama from afar, but not like them, right? Right. With the fun aspect,
25:02we don't do nothing. We never go anywhere. We don't enjoy each other's company and we're not having
25:06fun. So now I don't like you. So now the resentment builds up, right? So the fun and like are two words
25:11within relationships, people underestimate. Now to add to what you said, as far as
25:17the union or the marriage, when you get married, you create another family. So when we think about
25:22marriages, we usually think, oh, her family, my family. But once you get
25:26married, there's her family, my family, then our family. And you got to protect your family,
25:31despite your family members and whoever else it may be. Protect your union over your mama,
25:37over your daddy and everywhere. Because God said, now you got to under here this one.
25:41You didn't like that though. No, that was a word. That was a word. That was a word.
25:46And I think that's a great note to end off on, to protect your family, protect your relationship,
25:51love and like your partner. It was such a pleasure speaking with all of you guys.
25:56Thank you for having us.
25:57Thank you so much for helping us keep it real about black love on the Essence stage. And if you need
26:01more relationship advice and content or a recap, follow me on Instagram, BeverlyAndre underscore,
26:07if you need a little bit more tips. Okay, guys? Great job.
26:10Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you, Essence.
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