04:29I'm really excited to announce this amazing line that I came up with a year ago, and I decided to debut this right here at the Essence Festival just for you guys to get your hands on it first.
04:41These are intentional spiritual candles.
05:11And you can speak anything over your life, and you can speak anything over your life, and you can speak anything over your life because he says it's already ours.
05:16And so these are just tools.
05:46I wanted to show you, I wanted to show you guys, I wanted to show you guys, I wanted to show you guys because I don't want you to get scared because for all the Bible thumpers, I'm one myself, but I still believe that you read the Bible and there's things that's already in the Bible that we are not comfortable with talking about at church, but it's all good.
05:59So these candles, so these candles, they don't smell, these are not decorative candles, and so because of that it doesn't have a smell to them.
06:10But it does have a stone in it to keep the energy going, put the stone in your car, put the stone in your purse, to keep you praying over the things that are already ours.
06:19Okay, the Bible says, ask and it shall be given, you know, seek and ye shall find, knock and the door will be opened.
06:30These are all things that he's already promised to us.
06:33So, um, that's what this is about, and I'll see you guys over here at this booth, I'll sign your candles, take pictures, and have a little word with you guys, so that's it.
06:42All right, y'all go see my friend.
06:44Thank y'all.
06:45Please.
06:45I love you.
06:46Love you too.
06:47Y'all make some noise for my sis.
06:48Bye guys.
06:49I'll see you over here.
06:51Shout out to my friend VH over there.
06:56And now, uh, we're gonna keep the show going, okay?
06:59Y'all be sure you support all the lovely booths and everybody that we have.
07:03Essence, there is no party like an Essence party.
07:07And right now, we have a little bit of comedy from America's favorite school teacher comedian, the one and only Eddie B.
07:25What's up, Essence?
07:26What's going on, man?
07:27Y'all good?
07:29Hey, I'm Eddie B.
07:30I do comedy for teachers.
07:32That's what I do.
07:34So my comedy is from a teacher's perspective, let you know what we go through.
07:38I represent the teachers who ain't having it, not the ones that you see on TV getting beat up by kids.
07:44Nah, I'm the one gonna fight back.
07:45That's me right there.
07:47Uh, real fast, give it up for Tamar.
07:49She came out looking good.
07:50But, uh, was anybody at the concert last night and saw Patti LaBelle?
07:54I'm gonna go ahead and admit it.
07:58I hopped in a DM last night with one of her pies.
08:03And I say, if only you knew.
08:07I'm balling on a budget.
08:08I teach.
08:09I need, hey, balling on a budget.
08:11Teachers don't got a lot of money, so don't ask us for nothing.
08:14My homeboy backstage, he said, you're doing these shows all the time.
08:17You need to dress better.
08:19This boy took me to a store that had some jeans.
08:24The name of these jeans were called True Religion Jeans.
08:27I don't know if y'all heard of these jeans before.
08:29I picked up the tag to the jeans, and the price tag had the audacity to tell me,
08:36in order to buy these jeans, I had to pay $235.75.
08:44I wasn't even worried about the whole number at this point.
08:47I'm trying to figure out who just asked me for $0.75 after you just asked me for $235.
08:53You selfish.
08:55I didn't even fold them pants back up.
08:57I just threw them in the air.
08:59Because for $235.75, them damn pants ought to be able to fold they self and put they self back on the shelf.
09:07I ran out of there.
09:08My homeboy asked me, where was I going?
09:10I said, I'm going to go find my religion at Marshalls, Ross, T.J. Maxx.
09:15There's so many other religions that make sense.
09:19$235.75.
09:21That ain't no true religion.
09:22That's false doctrine.
09:25That's what that is.
09:26So now I got to say this, man.
09:30Teaching ain't what it once was.
09:33See, I'm from the old school.
09:34You can't even talk to parents no more.
09:36You got the parents out now that think their kids don't do no wrong.
09:41They think their kids don't do no wrong.
09:42I'm from the old school.
09:43I'm an 80s baby.
09:45I'm an 80s baby.
09:46That means that I was brought up in those last couple of years of what you call corporal punishment.
09:52Yeah.
09:53To my youngsters, I know I'm speaking in cursive to you right now.
09:57And I apologize.
09:59But if you was an 80s baby, you was brought up in corporal punishment.
10:03The teacher didn't spend a lot of time on you if you was acting a fool.
10:07No.
10:08She had just mentioned it.
10:09So, Eddie B, you going to act up today?
10:11Hey, and I'm a comedian now.
10:12So, you know I was a fool back then.
10:15Eddie B, you acting up?
10:15I'm like, yeah, baby, I thought you knew.
10:21See, back then, acting up was just a performance.
10:24Didn't nobody get hit with no damn chairs.
10:28I did that because I thought my mama was at work.
10:32See, if you was raised in a black home, your mama told you,
10:36don't let me have to come up to that school.
10:39That's all you knew.
10:42Apparently, my mama was at home.
10:45My mama came up to the school holding this here.
10:49I don't know if y'all call it a moo-moo or a gown or a duster.
10:52I call it garbage.
10:54If this button right here is missing, she walking up to the school holding this button.
10:58Like, that look like soft porn.
11:00How are you going to hold this button and everything else open?
11:05You're scaring them little kids.
11:07Mama just walking up there.
11:08And back in the day, her hair wasn't done.
11:13She had them pink rollers in her hair.
11:14Somebody know what I'm talking about.
11:16Them pink rollers with the fluffy pink part.
11:18And then you had the pink clamp to go over.
11:21She didn't have enough hair to go over the damn clamp.
11:23But it's all good.
11:26And she didn't even sign in at the front office.
11:29They just let her go.
11:31Let me tell you something.
11:33And she was walking on the back of her flip-flops.
11:36And this part of her foot, you know, this part of her foot was ashy.
11:42Yeah, y'all, that little fluffy part in the back that's a different color and a different texture, that was ashy.
11:49Some of y'all sitting up here right now, that part ashy on you right now.
11:53Yeah, don't look down.
11:54It's too late.
11:55It's too late.
11:57And they going to talk about you if you do it.
11:58I know, show us I'm up here.
11:59Somebody, that part ashy.
12:01Like, well, that boy, he is funny.
12:03He funny.
12:05You nasty.
12:17All I'm saying is back then, if your mama didn't even take the time to put lotion on her feet, cover your face.
12:24Because it wasn't child abuse back then.
12:27Boy, my mama jumped on me in front of the whole class.
12:30I don't mean that as a euphemism.
12:32My mama jumped up in the air and landed on me.
12:36In front of the whole class, smoke just flew.
12:40Through the smoke, I saw my teacher reach her hand out.
12:44I said, Heavenly Father, thank you for your love, your mercy, and your grace.
12:49I know I was acting up, but you finna have my teacher help get my mama off of me.
12:53The teacher didn't reach her hand out to help get my mama off of me, though.
13:01The teacher was reaching her hand out for my mama to tag her in.
13:05She wanted somebody.
13:06Oh, Miss Cynthia, I didn't tell you what he did Thursday, Miss Cynthia.
13:09He been acting a fool fool.
13:10Let me get, oh, that look too good.
13:12I got double teamed by two grownups.
13:16They'll let the teacher get you too.
13:17Do you know how much of a teachable moment that is for the rest of the kids, watching that beat down, and nobody went to go press a red button for help?
13:26That was a teachable moment, but try that today.
13:29These new parents, you'll call their house before you even try to explain.
13:34They'll cut you off.
13:36Hey, how you doing, sugar?
13:37First of all, I'm glad you answered the phone.
13:38I called about your son.
13:41He acting up again.
13:43And I tried to send him to the office, but I don't think they want him in there either.
13:46Because when I sent him to the office, they send him right back with a Capri Sun, a Lunchable, and a Nile later.
13:53They feed that boy.
13:54Remember when he was growing up, you used to be scared to go to the front office?
13:58The front office used to be a scary place to go.
14:02Kids request to go to the office now.
14:04I tell little boy to go to the office.
14:06Because they're going to feed him.
14:12You send a boy to the office now, they're going to send him right back with a snack.
14:16They're going to be eating.
14:19So after a while, I just started sending kids to the office just to bring me back a snack.
14:22I got help.
14:23I'm hungry too.
14:25I say, ma'am, he's been acting up.
14:26She's going to tell me, baby, you can quit talking right now.
14:31That don't sound like my son.
14:33He don't act like that at home.
14:36I say, ma'am, well, you must got a stranger in your house.
14:39I didn't even know your son was named Jadamion.
14:42I've been calling that boy Jadamion the whole first semester.
14:45Hallelujah.
14:46And I'm out.
14:47I just, I'm glad she put the correct number on the contact sheet.
14:50Because sometimes the parents don't even put the correct number on there.
14:52One time a parent gave me the number to a church.
14:57And she didn't even go to the church is what I'm trying to tell you.
15:00So now I done gave my life back to Christ on accident.
15:06I'm still paying tithes and offerings to this church right now.
15:08I ain't even never met the pastor.
15:10What I do know is I'm going to heaven on purpose and on accident all at the same time.
15:16One thing y'all need to understand that teaching is a profession after God's own heart.
15:22If you teach, you're going to heaven.
15:24Especially, remember that time you wanted to choke that little boy and you didn't?
15:28Yeah, that day your name was written in the Lamb's book of life.
15:33But to stretch it a little bit, if you will allow me to do this thing.
15:37God loves teachers so much.
15:40We the chosen profession.
15:42God loves teachers because Jesus was a teacher.
15:48Can I get an amen?
15:50Yeah, Jesus was a teacher.
15:52But then I started thinking, wait a minute.
15:54God must have really loved Jesus though.
15:56Because God only gave Jesus a class of 12.
16:00Hallelujah.
16:02Jesus only had a class of 12.
16:03We ain't never seen a class of 12.
16:05The Bible say God ain't going to put no more on you than you can bear.
16:08Apparently 12 is the number.
16:13We ain't never seen a class of 12.
16:14One time I had a class of 12 in the beginning of school.
16:17I thought that was it.
16:18A week later it turned into 147.
16:22And just like Jesus, I wept.
16:26I think that's my time.
16:30I got to get out of here.
16:30Thank y'all so much for the love, man.
16:32We got to do this again.
16:3310 minutes ain't enough, baby.
16:36Oh.
16:37This is what I want y'all to do for me.
16:43Bouncy beginn't bouncy beginn't bouncy
17:13Guys, clear the stage, please.
17:19Let me get out of the way.
17:23Soldier Boy, that's tough.
17:25I got this new damn for y'all.
17:26I call the Soldier Boy.
17:28I just got to punch that crack back three times from left to right.
Comments