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As career women, mothers, wives, business owners, entertainers and everything in between, Black women are a constant trending topic. Join a few familiar voices for a candid discussion about how it really feels to be the center of the culture.
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00:00Hi guys, my family's right here, my cheering section, but my name is Ashley Brittany Silva
00:07and like Tig just said, I am a podcaster, I'm an author, and I recently have become
00:13a reality television personality on a show called Love and Marriage DC.
00:17We are on every Saturday night at 9 p.m. on OWN, so if you guys have not checked us out
00:23yet, make sure you guys check me out, my husband out, my kids out, my family out, with our
00:28other two couples, the Tylers and Monique and Chris Samuels, formerly of that other show,
00:33Real Housewives of Potomac.
00:35So, I want to make sure everybody's feeling good, I don't know if there's like a bar out
00:38there and drinks, because y'all look a little dry, so I'm guessing it's not no drinks out
00:43there, sorry guys, but today we're going to talk about being women, being career women,
00:49being business women, being moms, being entrepreneurs, and all the things that come along with that,
00:55because black women are constantly a trending topic.
00:59So, we're going to kick things off today with a little girl talk with my girls in the back,
01:04and I want to know how they feel and how you guys feel about being the center of the culture.
01:10So, first up, I'm going to welcome Mignon.
01:14Mignon, I feel like I'm saying it wrong.
01:16She is an actress and a writer, and she is on BT's Sistas, Give It Up.
01:27And then we also have Eva Marcel.
01:32You might remember her from a little show, America's Next Top Model, actress.
01:39Okay, okay.
01:40You didn't have to walk out here like that.
01:42That's just the walk.
01:43I mean, I mean, right, right.
01:47Okay, let me go sit.
01:49Baby, you walked out there like that from that golf cart.
01:55All right, ladies, we are going to get into, I feel like I can't see on it.
01:58I'm going to sit up, because I feel lost.
02:00You want to perch?
02:01Yeah, I feel like I couldn't see anybody.
02:04You want to perch?
02:05Yes.
02:05Let's perch.
02:06Okay, okay, this is called perching, according to Eva.
02:09Okay, wait, am I doing it like Eva, guys?
02:12Baby.
02:12Okay.
02:13Okay, wait, is it sucked and plumped and everything?
02:16Okay, great.
02:18So today we are going to talk about one of the things I feel like women,
02:22especially black women, are always asked,
02:24and that's how do you balance it all when it comes to business,
02:29when it comes to relationships, when it comes to being a mom?
02:32I always like to say I don't really think that there is such thing as balance.
02:38I think you got to do what you got to do.
02:40Some things get done, some things don't, and that's just life.
02:44So, Eva, how do you balance?
02:45So how do you even define balance?
02:48For me, it's about boundaries, right?
02:50Because I agree with you.
02:52There is no true balance.
02:53You can't find a measurement.
02:55There is no such thing as balance.
03:02It is okay to say no.
03:24No is a whole sentence, and it has a period after.
03:28So that's where I find my balance.
03:30That is so true.
03:31I feel like a lot of us have a hard time saying no.
03:33So I want everybody right now to take a deep breath,
03:36and on the count of three, we're going to just say no.
03:39One, two, three.
03:42Hell no.
03:43Oh, I heard some hell no's, too.
03:44I heard the hell no.
03:45Yeah, I'm with you.
03:46Okay, I like that sentence.
03:47I like that sentence a little better.
03:50How do you define balance?
03:52For me, balance is peace.
03:54Like you said, I think, you know, or Eva said that, you know,
03:57there is no such thing as 50-50 anything.
03:59First of all, like, you know, we are not here in and of ourselves,
04:03so there is no way for it to be 50-50 because we rely on something greater than us
04:09to get through the day, right?
04:11But that balance that I think we should look for, I think a good way to define it
04:17could be peace, and peace isn't if everything's going on around you the way you want it.
04:22But if it's not going on the way you want it inside, you can still have peace,
04:27and you can still have that calm and that trust that things are going to go the way they should go.
04:33So the next thing we're going to get into is the policing of black women in their hair.
04:40So we get this from media, we get it from jobs, we get it from other black women.
04:46I was about to say each other.
04:47Yes, and I feel like that's something we don't talk about enough,
04:52is the policing of black women's hair on black women's hair.
04:57So, Eva, I want to start with you.
04:58You have a daughter.
04:59She has dreads, she has lots.
05:01Well, my daughter has lots, I have lots.
05:03Yeah.
05:25Beauty's fine, but what is your idea of beauty?
05:28Because I'm not what y'all thought was normally beautiful.
05:32I don't fit into the Anglo idea of beautiful.
05:35I'm not tanned, I'm brown.
05:36When I tan, you can tell, because I get darker.
05:39I'm happy with the way I look.
05:41I'm happy with my hair.
05:42I think that to be black is the range of that.
05:54And when we decide that beauty is the idea that is a false idea in this United States,
06:18in this global world that says what beauty is, and I don't subscribe to it, and I definitely
06:23lean on the Crown Act, which allows us to wear our hair the way it grows out of our head
06:29in any space ever, like Katanji Brown Jackson, who is our now.
06:34What was your conscious decision when you decided to lock your daughter's hair?
06:46I locked my daughter's hair because I couldn't figure out how to lock my hair for the last
06:4910 years.
06:50I tried four times to lock my hair.
06:53Thank God for all us beautiful and inventive black women that have taken hair care and
07:00skin care to another level and figured out techniques to preserve our hair, to enhance
07:04our hair.
07:05And so once I found a technique for my hair.
07:20How special she was.
07:25And I wanted her to know it from.
07:42Oh, your locks are beautiful.
07:43You should use some oil.
07:44She knows, sis knows her hair, she's proud of it, and that's all I can ask for as a mom.
07:51No, I love that, and especially to moms who have daughters, young daughters, that's so
07:55true, because I feel like as grown women, I've had to unlearn a lot of things and redefine
08:00what beauty was for me.
08:01So my daughter's here, she's nine, and we go through the same thing.
08:04She's known how beautiful and how amazing she is, yes.
08:07Say hi, Ashton.
08:09How amazing she's been since birth and, you know, whether her hair is in braids or straight
08:15or she's straight out the pool and we, I'm always like, girl, look at your hair, don't
08:19matter how I look.
08:20I'm like, oh, girl, yes.
08:21And we just have to embrace that and embrace their blackness, you know, no matter what it
08:26is, you know, whether it's straight hair, curly hair, nappy hair, braids, locks, whatever.
08:32So how do you think it goes about police and especially you?
08:39I used to ask my mom all the time, like, why do I have to get a perm?
08:53But it wasn't, why do we perm our hair?
08:56And when I was 18, it finally dawned on me, it was like, wait a minute.
09:01Why do we perm our hair?
09:04What is wrong with my hair the way it grows out of my head?
09:10And like, I had never questioned that in 18 years.
09:13And so with black people, like we've talked about the unlearning, we went through so much
09:19to survive and assimilation was a big part of that.
09:23I mean, we celebrate Madam C.J.
09:25Walker as one of our first millionaires and an inventor of the hot comb.
09:30But all of that was a part of our survival.
09:33And so many of us are still in survival mode.
09:36And we could be millionaires.
09:37We could be billionaires.
09:39And we're still just trying to get our piece of the pie.
09:43And I think as black women, so much of our identity hinges on being accepted.
09:54But if we can just accept ourselves for the way we are, if we can like us for who we are
10:00and the way God made us, then everybody else will get in line.
10:03Because here's the facts, everything in culture that is celebrated as beautiful comes from
10:10us, except for giving us the credit.
10:14That's, I mean, we drive culture.
10:17So I think if we stop giving all of our billions of dollars away, and not even just beauty wise,
10:24like they say the black dollar only stays in the black community a couple of seconds.
10:29Whereas like the Jewish dollar, the Asian dollar, several weeks, several months.
10:35So I think so much of our power is taking back our power, taking back our identity and
10:41defining who we are for.
10:46Get on too, because just like Eva was saying, blonde hair, look up black people in the Solomon
10:52Islands, and I'll leave it there.
10:54This is very true.
10:55So what do you, so back to that, what do you feel about people who are saying, and this
11:00goes back to black women, especially, well, you shouldn't perm your hair if you want to
11:05perm your hair, or you shouldn't straighten your hair if you want to straighten your hair,
11:08or you shouldn't wear extensions.
11:10Be like, sister soldier.
11:18Like, it was like, why you got to wear weave?
11:21Because I remember some people would say, I just want to look good, which I will say,
11:26I feel like the underlying sentiment of that statement is you don't look good wearing natural
11:30hair, which is not true, but I did have to kind of grow up and like stop thinking that
11:40who we are is this rigid understanding within myself.
11:47Like, I don't get to dictate, but I mean, I don't have a problem with you straightening
11:51your hair.
11:52I don't have a problem with wigs, clearly.
11:54I don't have a problem with any of that, as long as it's not about being enough.
12:00As long as you know you're enough, as long as you know you are beautiful, as long as you
12:04know there is nothing wrong with who you are, do whatever you want.
12:08It's all about intention for me and heart.
12:11Yes.
12:11As long as it's about you being yourself, you know, I would say something, because I know
12:15all y'all be out there thinking y'all got Indian in your family, you know, saying stuff
12:19like that.
12:19Girl, stop saying stuff like that.
12:21No, you don't.
12:21For me, when it comes to how so today I want a pineapple up to the sky, if to be long,
12:43silky, if I want bantu knots, I'm allowed to do and be what I want to be.
12:47I think the bigger question is, why don't we give ourselves allowance in this world
12:52to spread our wings and to fly the way we are meant to fly and soar?
12:57I'm not in your box.
12:58So whatever it is you thought I was, that's cute.
13:00And I might be some of that, but I'm so much more.
13:03And you can pin it up at night.
13:06You can shave it all off.
13:08I wore my hair short for 15 years.
13:10I had less hair than every guy I ever dated and still slayed because my definition of
13:16who I am is not in my hair.
13:18So I don't define you if you want to perm your hair, if you want to wear a wig, and please
13:22don't define me for my locks or for my short hair or for what I do.
13:26And I think once we get over that hurdle in the community, we can start seeing each other
13:31through the makeup and the hair.
13:33And the reality is, black women, we change our hair.
13:37That is who we are.
13:38If you think of your principals growing up, think of your teachers, your aunts, your mother.
13:43My mom used to have a little mushroom.
13:46Then she went down to the little bob down here.
13:48Then she went to the micro braids.
13:50Like, we go through our stages.
13:52And you, my sister, are allowed to invent, reinvent, and explore all of those.
13:58Blonde wigs, gray wigs, short, whatever you want to do.
14:02And if you don't want to touch a wig, you don't have to either.
14:05Subscribe to what you want to and deny what does not feel good to you.
14:09Period.
14:11So also, oh yes, give it up, give it up.
14:14Another thing about policing is black women and plastic surgery.
14:19I feel like in the black community, a lot of times we leave that really taboo.
14:23We try to stay away from it.
14:25We say, that's what other races do, and black don't crack, and all of these things.
14:30I mean, some black don't crack, some black crease.
14:38And I just, I want to tell you guys, I mean, there are black, a lot of black women out here
14:42that do plastic surgery, but I feel like they don't talk about it as much because it's so
14:48taboo in the black community.
14:50How do you feel about that?
14:51I don't, it's the same thing with the hair for me.
14:54I don't mind it for enhancement, but if you're doing it in order to be beautiful, if you're
15:01doing it in order to feel like you're worthy, you're enough, that's where my issue comes
15:06in.
15:06Because then it's like, hey, let's talk.
15:07Because right now, BBLs are the thing, but what happens when they aren't the thing?
15:14They're going to be shaped weird.
15:16Right?
15:16Like, it's like with eyebrows.
15:17A lot of them already shaped weird.
15:19Like, some are shaped weird, but some look really good.
15:22But like, think about it with eyebrows.
15:23In the 90s, it was shaving them off and then drawing them on.
15:26Now, you got to look like Bert and Ernie.
15:29So, I don't, you know, like, there's things always going in and out of flux.
15:33So, you got to do what you, like, come from the space of I am enough and I'm doing this
15:38for me because, you know, I want boob sweat.
15:41I remember watching one plastic surgery show and this woman was so excited that she could
15:47finally feel boob sweat.
15:48I'm like, girl, take all mine.
15:50But, you know, I mean, do it as long as you feel good about yourself from the start.
15:55That's how I feel.
15:56So, I think it's taboo in the black community because black has never been the standard of
16:01beauty.
16:02And so, the idea that we then go and spend time and energy to get plastic surgery, I
16:08think the black woman that is a sure of herself or that does stand as a pillar in the community
16:15takes offense to that because it's, we have not even sat long enough in our community circles
16:21to understand the beauty that we have from our birthmarks to our wide lips to our naturally
16:26lined lips to why our eyes are also slanted like Asians, to the almond-shaped eyes, to
16:33the high cheekbones, to everything that we have.
16:36And I think until we can get to a place where you put a black person's face up and everybody
16:43knows how beautiful it is, it is always going to be a struggle because we're trying to identify
16:49who we are in our own community still.
16:52So, that's why grandma look at you when you come in there with some new cheeks like, uh,
16:56baby, them ain't your grandmama cheeks.
17:00What you did to yourself versus the white community because mama done already changed her cheeks
17:05and grandma has a facelift too.
17:06That is something that is a part of their community traditionally.
17:10It is something that in the last 30 years we start seeing enhanced a lot more in the black community.
17:16But our black don't crack and we are naturally fabulous.
17:19So, we didn't play with the stimulants and the enhancements to the same extent as other cultures
17:25under the limelight in the industry.
17:28We just haven't.
17:29And so, when you see we do, you're like, sis, why you do that?
17:31Because you was already cute.
17:32Like, I've been wanting you.
17:33You know what I mean?
17:34It's different.
17:35It is different.
17:36Could I say this really quickly, too?
17:38Plastic surgery is also a luxury.
17:40And black people, we are just now really getting to the place where we can start to do luxurious
17:45things like go to therapy and get, um, plastic surgery and splurge on five-star hotels.
17:53A lot of black people from previous generations aren't going to understand that because their
17:57job was to achieve upward mobility.
17:59We're the first generation that has truly had the luxury to luxuriate and go get healed, right?
18:05And then the other thing, too, that I want to point out is that research shows that black,
18:10that the world over likes seeing black women in an antagonistic role.
18:16People want to police black women, period.
18:21So you're not going to be able to make anyone happy, period.
18:24So you might as well do whatever you want because until our society changes its idea of who black
18:30women are, what we are, and their sentiments towards us, people are going to police you anyway.
18:36People are going to be antagonistic towards you anyway because they think you're antagonistic
18:39towards them.
18:41You taking up space and doing what you want to do is antagonistic towards some people because
18:45they want you to shrink and they want you to be beneath them in order for them to feel
18:50good about themselves.
18:51So do what you want to do, even if it's the wrong thing.
18:54I don't care.
18:54You can make mistakes.
18:55You have the right to make mistakes.
18:56So, guys, we have to wrap up really quickly, but I do want every woman in here right now
19:03to stand up.
19:04I know you're like, girl, I did not come here for exercise, but I need y'all to get up
19:09on your feet.
19:10Hey, CJ.
19:11Show your outfits.
19:13Yes, show your outfits.
19:15And I just want every woman to know how beautiful they are, whether you got surgery, fake titties,
19:21because I do, big, yes, girl, and yeah, okay, little booties, big booties, old booties,
19:30real hair, fake hair, locks, braids, light skin, dark skin, brown skin, all that.
19:35So on the count of three, I want everybody to say, I am beautiful.
19:39I am beautiful.
19:40What, what, girl?
19:41Uh-uh, and I want y'all to listen.
19:43And I want y'all to listen to the directions.
19:47I was really excited.
19:49Girl, she feeling real cute.
19:52Okay?
19:53One, two, three.
19:55I am beautiful.
19:59Thank you guys so much.
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