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Check out the Feb.14 episode of ESSENCE Live where we discuss Adele's Grammy acceptance speech, ask Mack Wilds about the ladies and talk to Kehlani about dating publicly.
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00:00Hi, I'm Charlie Dunn. Today on Essence Live, we've got Mack Wilde's Live in studio.
00:11Kalani dishes on dating in the public eye. And just in time for Valentine's Day, our panel of experts is here to fix your sex life.
00:19But right now, here's Christina Coleman with the biggest stories you're buzzing about today.
00:23After 21 seasons, there will finally be a black lead in ABC's The Bachelor franchise.
00:35The network announced on Jimmy Kimmel Monday that 31-year-old Rachel Lindsay, an attorney from Texas, will be the next Bachelorette.
00:42And even though we've already had dating shows starring black people, it's still important that we have that representation across the board.
00:49But that doesn't mean we can't still watch some of our favorite dating experiments because I know y'all caught that Flavor Love Marathon the other day.
00:55Oh, and we have VH1 to thank for another one called Tremaine the Playboy.
01:00Yeah, I'm talking about Trey Songz.
01:14Them twins come at me on some crazy shit.
01:16But you're not gonna do that. Don't stop this.
01:19You drive like Holly's chicken.
01:20Did you drive?
01:22Now, how many of us saw that show coming?
01:29Halle Berry is now opening up about her love life, which has included three marriages.
01:33In a recent Q&A at the 2017 City Summit in Gala in Los Angeles, the actress admitted to feeling guilt about her relationships not working out, saying that she is, quote,
01:43anti-fairy tales when it comes to love now.
01:46We all come here with lessons that we have to learn.
01:48And those relationships provided me with the lessons that got me where I am right now.
01:52For that, I am grateful.
01:54But it has been hard.
01:55It's been a difficult part of my life.
01:57We hear you, Halle Girl.
01:59From her golden dress and breathtaking performance in that chair to Blue Ivy clapping for her mommy, it was all about Beyonce's at the Grammys.
02:11And although B did grab two trophies herself, some folks are side-eyeing Adele's offer to share her Grammy for album of the year with her and for applauding Beyonce's music for what it did for her black friends.
02:22Sydney Portis wrote on Facebook, I wonder if Beyonce would have done the same thing had she won the Grammy.
02:28I doubt it.
02:29Gregory A. Butler wrote on Essence.com, so you're mad at Adele for not being a grad school perfect intersectional womanist?
02:36Here's an idea.
02:37Why not graciously appreciate her comments in the spirit in which they were intended?
02:42And as for the black friends comment, Amber Petty wrote, Beyonce is not a representative of all women.
02:48She is a representative for black women.
02:51Adele knows this and paid homage to what Beyonce represents for her culture.
02:55I appreciate it and immensely respected that.
02:59Okay, Essence Live fam, weigh in.
03:01Do you think Adele was sincere in her Grammy comments about Beyonce?
03:05Send us your votes now because we're taking your comments next.
03:09It's Tuesday, February 14th, Valentine's Day, and Essence Live starts now.
03:18Welcome to Essence Live, only the best damn digital live show around.
03:28I'm just saying.
03:29Hi, everybody.
03:30I'm Charlie Penn, senior lifestyle editor for Essence.com.
03:33Happy Valentine's Day.
03:35And you know what?
03:36If no one has told you today, I just want to say that we do love you.
03:41You is beautiful.
03:42You is kind.
03:43Remember, we always want to hear from you.
03:45Use hashtag Essence Live or email us at Essence Live at Essence.com if you want to come on the show to sound off on topics.
03:53As Christina mentioned in the hot list, everyone is still buzzing about Beyonce's performance at the Grammys.
03:59And also Adele shouting her out in her speech and playfully talking about sharing her award with her.
04:04So today's viewer poll is this.
04:07Do you think Adele was sincere in her comments about Beyonce at the Grammys?
04:13Use hashtag Essence Live to vote A for yes or B for no.
04:18And we'll read the results later in the show.
04:20But right now, we've got a very special guest with us today in the studio.
04:24He's a singer and actor, and his latest project finds him in an era we all love.
04:29Okay, I know I do.
04:30The 90s.
04:31Please welcome back to Essence Live, Mack Wilde.
04:33Hey, Mack.
04:34Hey.
04:35Welcome to the show.
04:36Glad to have you back.
04:37Feels good to be back, man.
04:38Feels like I'm back home, man.
04:40Let me tell you.
04:41Did you watch the Grammys?
04:42Let's talk about it.
04:43I did.
04:44That's our poll today.
04:45I definitely did watch the Grammys.
04:46What'd you think?
04:47I thought the Grammys were amazing.
04:48You know, my favorite performance of the night was Chance the Rapper.
04:52He was great.
04:53Yeah, he killed it.
04:54He definitely killed it.
04:55And you know, we know you've worked with Adele on her video.
04:57How did you feel about her speech?
04:59Were you feeling it?
05:00Absolutely.
05:01First and foremost, I think Adele's one of the...
05:04I think it's harder for her to tell a lie than it is to hold herself back from telling
05:13the truth.
05:14So, that was as honest a response as ever.
05:21She is literally a fan of what music is and the culture, so I respect it.
05:26I appreciate it.
05:27Yeah, she gives me authentic vibes, you know, for sure.
05:29Completely.
05:30So, okay, we know you had a hit album out a few years ago.
05:32What's up with the second one?
05:33When's the new music coming out?
05:34It's coming out very soon.
05:35We're actually, we just finished working on it.
05:38And now, you know, we're dropping it in March.
05:41March?
05:42Okay, that's soon.
05:43Yeah.
05:44It's something amazing.
05:46You know, we took time to really get it right.
05:49And every time that I thought we were finished, we kind of kept adding stuff onto it.
05:55So, it started to build into something bigger and bigger.
05:58So, it's more like a...
05:59I wouldn't even call it an album.
06:01It's like an experience.
06:02That...
06:03Well, we can't wait to hear it.
06:04I know we can't wait to hear that.
06:05March, everybody.
06:06So, in your new show, The Breaks, which takes place in the 90s, you play a producer,
06:11right?
06:12Or a producer on the rise.
06:13Yes, exactly.
06:14So, who inspired you?
06:15What other producers did you sort of, you know, mark your character after?
06:18Did you watch anybody, pay close attention?
06:20No, absolutely.
06:21You know, I had the pleasure of especially being in music.
06:25You know, I worked with a bunch of different producers.
06:27Yeah, you had your pick.
06:28Yeah, exactly.
06:29But, I kind of based my character on three producers, like three guys who I knew were doing
06:36what I felt DB was doing at the time.
06:38Okay.
06:39One of my big homies.
06:41Shout out Primo.
06:42Uh, Pete Rock.
06:43Uh-huh.
06:44Ooh, good one.
06:45Another amazing one.
06:46Shout out Uncle Pete.
06:47And, uh, Q-Tip.
06:48Like, kind of an amalgamation of all three of those guys.
06:52And, uh, I feel like that's what DV encompasses.
06:55That, the vibe, the feeling that they all gave off.
06:58So, you just brought all of that to your new role?
07:00You know, sitting down talking with all of them and trying to, and getting into their heads
07:04about where they were at that time.
07:05Yeah.
07:06Trying to bring that, bring that across on television.
07:09Yeah.
07:10That's, that was the essence, no pun intended, that I was trying to bring.
07:13So, the break takes place in the 90s.
07:15Yes, ma'am.
07:16We know you love the 90s.
07:17Yes.
07:18Top three songs on your 90s playlist right now.
07:20First three.
07:21Go.
07:22Man.
07:23Um.
07:24That's hard.
07:25I know that's hard for me.
07:26Yeah, it's hard.
07:27Probably, SWV Week.
07:29Yes.
07:30It's Valentine's Day, so.
07:31We need some romance in there.
07:32Exactly.
07:33Uh, uh, Bump and Grind, R. Kelly.
07:37And, uh, uh, ah, dang.
07:42Jodeci?
07:43Anything?
07:44Oh, yeah.
07:45Jodeci.
07:46Mine would not be complete without a Jodeci.
07:47Yeah.
07:48All day.
07:49Yeah.
07:50Okay, so, Mac, you sing, you rap, you act.
07:53You really are a renaissance brother.
07:54Okay.
07:55You're doing a little bit of everything.
07:56So, where do you, what's next?
07:57Where do you see your career going five years from now or ten years from now?
08:00Man, the world is my oyster.
08:02I, I, I thank God for these gifts and, you know, um, I just want to keep on.
08:07I love it.
08:09I just want to keep on growing them, developing them, and just, just actually just be free.
08:15I'm not, not afraid to just be creative and be free, as, as free as I want to be.
08:20So, if I want to, if I want to do an art installation, I can, you know.
08:25Anything goes.
08:26If I want to direct, I can.
08:27Okay.
08:28You know, there's so many different ways and facets that you can create, and I think that's
08:32what I, I, I realized that that's what I love more than anything.
08:35It's just creating.
08:36It's just kind of doing whatever you feel is coming next.
08:38Yeah.
08:39So.
08:40All right, so now you, I'm sure you've noticed on Instagram and beyond that you are a lot of
08:45ladies.
08:46MPM.
08:47We're going to make you bless.
08:48You know it's Valentine's Day.
08:49We have to.
08:50How does it, I mean, how does that feel?
08:51What's it like to be really, to have your female fan base just keep growing and growing?
08:55I appreciate it.
08:56You know, um.
08:57Was it always like that?
08:58Was it like that for you in high school and earlier?
09:00No.
09:01Not, not really.
09:02No?
09:03I was working a lot in high school.
09:04So even if it was, I wouldn't have been able to really see it.
09:07But, um, it's, the thing that I love the most about it is that everybody who seems to be
09:12rocking with me, man, woman, whoever, whatever walk of life or creed you come from, um, everybody
09:20just loves the work that we do.
09:23You know?
09:24Loyal fan base.
09:25For sure.
09:26It's, it's, it's, it's, they respect the dope.
09:29Like, they, they respect the dope.
09:30Like, whatever you put out, they, they want to see something ill.
09:34Right.
09:35And they stick with you.
09:36They stick with you.
09:37What's going on on Facebook?
09:38A lot of fans just showing love.
09:39They love everything you're wearing.
09:40They love that you're here.
09:41Oh, yeah.
09:42One fan said, Focus Mack Wilds is so humble and sweet.
09:45Oh, jeez.
09:46That will show again.
09:47So shout out to her.
09:49And the votes are starting to trickle in for the poll.
09:51Um, we have a lot of votes coming in for yes.
09:53Um, couple coming in for no.
09:55Um, so that's, that's gonna be interesting.
09:57Wow.
09:58A few that I want to read now.
09:59Nancy Eugenie says, it seems a little bit over the top.
10:01She won.
10:02It's cool, but you don't have to bow down to be no matter what that song says.
10:05So I thought that was funny.
10:07So Monique Rose says, um, of course she was sincere.
10:09Why wouldn't she be?
10:10And Teresa Fillmore says, it just sounded sincere because she had no obligation to mention Beyonce
10:15at all.
10:16It's true.
10:17It's true.
10:18Max, thank you so much for coming to the show.
10:20You are welcome back any time.
10:21Thank you for having me.
10:22Yes, ma'am.
10:23I'll, I'll take you up on that offer.
10:24All right.
10:25We'll see you soon.
10:26Yes, ma'am.
10:27Okay.
10:28So remember to keep your votes coming in for our viewer poll using hashtag Essence Live,
10:31and we'll shout you out later in the show.
10:34Coming up, our panel of experts helps you with your trickiest sex problems.
10:38Ugh.
10:39And Kalani dishes on her new music.
10:41But first, here's what happened when we visited the set of Mack Wilde's new show, The Breaks,
10:46which premieres February 20th on VH1.
10:53Hey guys, it's Gia Peppers here for Essence.com, and today we are on the set of the new VH1 television
11:01series, The Breaks.
11:02You guys might remember that it was an amazing original television movie back earlier this
11:07year, and everyone loved it so much that they picked it up for a full series.
11:11So now we're going to get an exclusive look because I hear it's pretty lit inside on set.
11:15You know, Essence is lit these days.
11:17So we're going to get the first look because why not?
11:20You guys ready?
11:21Come along.
11:22So this is where I'm assuming they're about to film like a club scene or a performance,
11:29because if you look in here, there's a huge stage.
11:32The lighting is crazy.
11:34Like it just looks like either Ohm or one of the characters is about to kill it.
11:38There's so much space in here for so many people to just scream.
11:43I love hip hop concerts myself.
11:45So this looks like the greatest environment for that.
11:48Let's go.
11:52We are here on set.
11:53Y'all can't tell like the light of The Breaks, VH1's new television series.
11:58And you are one of the newest stars, which is so amazing.
12:01So tell me about how this whole role came about for you.
12:04Well, you know what's crazy?
12:05Actually, I seen a pilot a while back.
12:09Yeah.
12:10Everybody knows I'm obsessed with the 90s and the 80s.
12:13And then we got the call about The Breaks because it's a case in the 90s.
12:16And they seen how I embodied it.
12:18And they got me rapping.
12:20Yes.
12:21So you're a rapper?
12:22I ain't no rapper.
12:23Yeah, they got me rapping.
12:24Yo, I'm so excited for this now.
12:25I didn't know he was going to be a rapper.
12:26I thought he was going to be singing.
12:27Oh, no.
12:28They got me on something like Moany Love, Queen Latifah.
12:30I see the set.
12:31I see what's happening here.
12:32Yeah, you know what I'm saying?
12:33You know what I'm saying?
12:34Oh my gosh.
12:35So what's the character's name?
12:36Imani X.
12:37See, I already sound real like how?
12:39I know you got the little arm gear on.
12:41You know, like I'm ready.
12:42I'm ready.
12:43I see you.
12:48You're watching Essence Live.
12:49I'm Dana Blair.
12:50And joining me in studio right now is a singer and songwriter who truly puts her life on record.
12:54Her new album is called Sweet Sexy Savage, and it's on sale right now.
12:58Please welcome Kelani to Essence Live.
13:00It's a pleasure to have you here on the show.
13:01Thank you for having me.
13:02You mentioned you have a new album that's out right now.
13:04And you actually, I feel like I'm getting to know you through your music.
13:07I don't always feel that way about artists.
13:09So is there a particular song or piece of the record that you feel is like the most emotional
13:13or most like you, if you will?
13:15Maybe not used to it, which is a song about kind of how my growing up and all the relationships
13:24that I experienced and witnessed growing up kind of shaped how I am in relationships now.
13:29I feel like as people, but especially as women, we tend to do that.
13:32If we didn't have married parents or see a positive marriage or even see a marriage or see people who are kind to each other
13:41and respectful relationships and things like that, we tend to have those issues in our own relationships.
13:46Definitely. Definitely.
13:48Are you that comfortable putting everything out there on the table or are you starting to be a little more like,
13:52maybe I don't want to put that out there yet?
13:54I just know there's certain things that isn't going to help anyone that nobody needs to know.
13:59And there's certain things that people out there might need to hear.
14:02And I've had more of my fans thank me for being open about certain things
14:07than people bash me for being open about certain things.
14:10I'm one of them fans. I'm not even going to lie.
14:13So we first, the world was first introduced to you through America's Got Talent.
14:16A Nick Cannon show, if you will.
14:18How closely do you guys work together or has he been like a mentor or a part of you, guiding you in your career?
14:23He's more like a guardian angel.
14:26He's a super mentor.
14:29He saved my life in so many ways without asking ever for anything in return or anything like that.
14:36And it was just a blessing, you know what I mean?
14:38When I met Nick Cannon, I was homeless and didn't have nowhere to stay.
14:41And he was just like, yo, how are you supposed to focus on music when you don't even know if you're going to be able to take a shower?
14:45Right.
14:46You don't even know if you're going to eat.
14:47You got real problems.
14:48And he was like, well, what do you want?
14:49And I was like, I just need to like, let me sleep on your couch and like let me come record.
14:52And he literally surprised me with an apartment.
14:55Wow.
14:56And not only an apartment, but it was decorated and it was furnished.
14:59And I'd never had my own room.
15:01I'd never slept in my own bed.
15:03Like, so to know that someone cared enough to not only get a space for you, a safe space for you, but to decorate it and make it to your liking.
15:11It's just, he cares.
15:12Like that man's heart is ridiculously golden and he just deserves every wonderful thing in the world.
15:16Was there any one particular piece of advice that he's given you that you're like, okay, I'm going to hold on to this for my entire career?
15:22He said just whatever makes me happy is what's most important.
15:25And I think he's obviously a very good example for that because there's so many things.
15:29He takes so much heat for things that just make him happy.
15:33And, you know, people clown him and people do whatever, but he's able to be like, I just do all this because it makes me happy and it's fun and I love it.
15:39Do you think that you'll open your relationships back up to the public and social media moving forward?
15:44Um, those things were accidental.
15:46You know what I mean?
15:47Like those weren't, we never, I never got into a relationship and set out like, okay, so on this day, we're going to post this picture of us on this day.
15:53Right, right.
15:54Because your fans and my fans, they're going to tweet.
15:56Right, right.
15:57You know what I mean?
15:58That was never, ever a plan.
15:59And I hope that's not anyone's plan.
16:00I don't know anybody who ever has ever thought like that.
16:03Those were just, wow, I'm so happy to be in this relationship.
16:05Sometimes I'm cute and I want to post a picture of my boyfriend and sometimes he just likes me so much.
16:08So you want to live your life, God forbid.
16:09He wants to post a picture with me.
16:11Great.
16:12Awesome.
16:13Um, but it's just not anyone's business and it just leaves room for so many problems that because of outside, it causes problems in the relationship because everybody's, we can't say that we're, I don't think, I don't know anybody that's not affected by what's said to them, especially in the industry.
16:30Everybody's so like, you famous, you shouldn't care, you living, it's your life so great, you're not supposed to care, why are you even?
16:35But you're human.
16:36I'm a person.
16:37Right.
16:38I'm a 21-year-old person.
16:39Everything gets to me.
16:40Right.
16:41You know what I mean?
16:42If one day I'll have thicker skin, it'll still get to me, just in a less heavy way.
16:45But yeah, it's just not anyone's business.
16:48You've been compared to some really great other artists, such as like TLC and Aaliyah.
16:53How do you feel about some of these comparisons?
16:55Do you feel like it puts pressure on you?
16:56I don't think it puts any pressure.
16:58I just take it as a compliment.
16:59I don't, I've never like listened to someone's music and been like, oh my God, I'm going to be like that, or I'm going to do that.
17:05Have I been heavily influenced by a set of years, by a generation, by a style of music?
17:13Yes.
17:14I love 90s music.
17:15I love the early 2000s.
17:17I love girl group vocals.
17:19I love things like that.
17:20I love 90s style vocals, but I've never like been directly influenced by a single person, except maybe NDRE.
17:26Oh yeah, oh yes, NDRE.
17:28Yeah, she's my favorite person in the whole world.
17:30Super talented.
17:31In the whole world.
17:32Super, super talented.
17:33So outside of music, will we ever see Kehlani in like movies, TVs, directing, fashion line?
17:39Are there other interests?
17:40Yeah, I want to do a bunch of stuff behind the scenes.
17:42I really want to get heavily involved in youth and kids.
17:45I really want to do like kids TV shows and do voices for kids TV shows and write a kids book.
17:51And right now I'm just working on kind of thinking of programs and things I can do for young women because that's pretty much my main focus is just taking like taking initiative to be hands on with young girls because so many things get slipped under the rug with us that start with the basic things like do you have self-esteem issues?
18:11Did you have a mother in your life?
18:12Did you have positive women around you?
18:14Mm-hmm.
18:15And things like that.
18:16So that's kind of the things I want to get into and less of like franchisee necessarily famous things.
18:22Right.
18:23The expected if you will.
18:24Yeah, I kind of just want to be hands on in my community and use my power in that way.
18:27Did you ever do reality TV?
18:28Never in my life.
18:29I salute you on that as well.
18:31Yeah, I just don't think it's my thing.
18:33It's great for people who can really handle that but just knowing that real things are scripted just doesn't register to me.
18:41Like, hey, we're going to put these two people who don't like each other in a restaurant.
18:44Right.
18:45Get them drunk and see what happens.
18:46I just think it's such a setup and it's so unfair and it allows young people to watch it and think that that's either what really goes down or what should go down.
18:55Right.
18:56And I'm just like, we're making a mockery of ourselves.
18:58You know what I'm saying?
18:59I feel like there's so many powerful women with real stories to tell who've been through real things, who are going through real things on those shows.
19:06Mm-hmm.
19:07And instead, it's who are you fighting and whose men are you having sex with and who's, it's just the wrong things.
19:15Right.
19:16It's just making us look goofy, man.
19:17Mm-hmm.
19:18I definitely, definitely agree with you on that.
19:19Mm-hmm.
19:20Thank you so much, Kellan, for coming.
19:21Thank you for having me.
19:22For your amazing music.
19:23Everybody, please go out and support.
19:25She's an amazing artist.
19:26You can buy her new album, Sweet Sexy Savage, everywhere right now.
19:33Hey, I'm Kelli Rowland and you're watching Essence Live.
19:41You're watching Essence Live.
19:45You're watching Essence Live.
19:47I'm senior relationships and lifestyle editor, Charlie Penn.
19:50All right, y'all.
19:51Today is Valentine's Day, which means it's a day of love, a day of embraces, and a day of making it hot between the sheets, right?
19:59Well, if your sex life is in need of some help, we got you.
20:02Our expert panel is here to answer all of your uncomfortable and taboo questions about sex.
20:07Joining me is life coach and author of Don't Be a Wife to a Boyfriend, 10 Lessons I Learned While I Was Single, Shonda Brown-White, sexologist Michelle Hope, and creator of UntilIGetMarried.com, Jozen Cummings.
20:23Welcome, everyone.
20:25So happy to have you here.
20:26Ready to talk about sex?
20:27Yes.
20:28All right, panelists.
20:31We've got some really interesting questions, so let's get into it.
20:34Our first question is, you guys ready?
20:37My fiance really wants oral sex, but I don't want to do it and I don't know that I ever will.
20:45Should we still get married?
20:47Shonda, you can take this one.
20:49Oh, wow.
20:50Okay.
20:51Should they go down the altar?
20:52Yes, but obviously they need to have a conversation.
20:56I'm one of those that believes that you need to talk, if you can't talk openly with your partner about any and everything, then you probably shouldn't be getting married in the first place.
21:05So you can still get married.
21:06I really don't know why they jumped to, should I still get married, when it's like, have you even had this conversation with your partner?
21:12Like, you know, does he know that you don't want to or is there a reason why you don't?
21:17Like, did you have a bad experience with it?
21:19Right.
21:20You know, like, we need to know, like, more information and your partner needs to know, like, why you feel like that.
21:26Because if you get married and that's something that you are like, I don't do it and he doesn't know, it could potentially set you up.
21:33Yeah, so it sounds like there's a conversation that needs to happen here.
21:35Exactly.
21:36What do you think?
21:37Well, I think a couple of things.
21:38When it comes to sex, all things are negotiable.
21:40And I think that when you're walking into a marriage, understanding that sex is not at the highest priority.
21:46Because let's face it, honey, after a few years, the sex don't get boring.
21:50But you have to have other things that can sustain your intimacy levels and your connections.
21:55Now, when it comes to giving oral sex, let's face it, there may be something that you really, really like sexually that your partner's not into.
22:05It happens.
22:06So, going back to the ideas of negotiation, what are you willing to negotiate?
22:10In other words, okay, I might not want to do this always, but I would be willing to do it on X, Y, and Z accords, right?
22:19Right.
22:20That's really great advice.
22:21But you know, I really want to know what the man thinks.
22:23Jozen, what do you think?
22:24I think the negotiation sounds like a good idea in theory, but there has to be a great way to bring it up where that conversation seems very organic.
22:32How so?
22:33Just, if I want to have a serious conversation with you about your lack of, your unwillingness to give me oral sex, I think that conversation needs to have the right tone in order to really resonate and be effective.
22:51I also think that it's something that maybe should not be talked about in the heat of the moment, right?
22:58Right.
22:59So like when you guys are usually about to get hot and heavy and you think, oh, it's about to happen, and then it doesn't happen, and then you're like, oh, here we go again, and then you start an argument.
23:08That's not when it happens, right?
23:09But then pour some drinks, sit down, you know, split a bottle of wine, and just talk about those things.
23:18So let's move on to our next question, you guys.
23:20You ready?
23:21We're heating things up here.
23:22My girl always calls me daddy during sex.
23:26Should I be worried?
23:28Chosen.
23:29What are your thoughts on this?
23:30We're really going to let you start that off.
23:32No, you shouldn't be worried.
23:35That's nothing to worry about.
23:37Obviously, she has, that's her thing.
23:41But I had written a post on my site, untiligetmarried.com, a long time ago about how, like, I became uncomfortable with, like, asking women to call me daddy.
23:51Because then I was like, oh, I'm going to meet your father one day.
23:54That's going to be weird.
23:55Right.
23:56So, you know, you guys could maybe think of some other names.
23:58You know, there's other names that.
24:00Like what?
24:01That's hot right there.
24:02Matty.
24:03That's a good one.
24:04Authority, though.
24:05If you're, if what she's really into is, like, some sort of authority figure, you know, and that's like.
24:11So it's role play.
24:12Yeah, it's a role play thing.
24:13Okay.
24:14I don't know.
24:15King.
24:16Oh, I like him.
24:17President.
24:18Okay.
24:19Well, you know what?
24:20I like those options.
24:21You know what I'm saying.
24:22I like those options.
24:23You know what I'm saying.
24:24Let's see what else we have.
24:25My boyfriend finishes really fast during sex.
24:28No, that's a problem.
24:30Sometimes within the first minute.
24:32Ooh.
24:33How do I get him to last longer?
24:35Ooh.
24:36Michelle, what tips do you have for this?
24:38Let's go to the sex outliers here.
24:39Well, I think there's a few things.
24:41One, I don't want to offend anybody here, but porn is a big problem in our bedrooms and in our relationships.
24:48Porn has kind of taken over.
24:49It's everywhere.
24:50It's really easily accessible to people.
24:52And a lot of people are getting exposure to porn a lot more than what they'd like to admit.
24:57Makes sense.
24:58So there's a couple things.
24:59One, there's a technique called edging that men can do.
25:01What's that?
25:02Where it's kind of like an exercise where you would want them to get aroused and you're going through the sexual response cycle and you get them to that plateau phase right before orgasm.
25:12And then right when a man feels like he's going to orgasm, he wants to grab the base of his shaft and underneath the scrotum and kind of put some pressure there and stop.
25:23Whatever is happening for him to want to ejaculate because you can teach the body to last longer in bed.
25:31Through a combination of masturbation and this process called edging, it can really help to prolongate a man's sustainability.
25:39That's one.
25:40Now, two, let's not just hop right into the pee, okay?
25:44Take it slow.
25:45Yeah.
25:46And that's why I was saying porn always just gives us right to the action.
25:48Right.
25:49Genitals to genitals.
25:50Boom.
25:51But that's not how women warm up.
25:52It takes women about 15 to 20 minutes to get to the stage of plateau before they reach orgasm.
25:57And for men, it's a lot quicker.
25:59So what I might suggest is a little bit more foreplay.
26:02Bring back the finger popping.
26:04Pay attention to those boobies.
26:05I love it.
26:06Take your time before we go into actual penile vagina penetration.
26:11And that can really, really help.
26:12I always say women are microwaved, right?
26:14I mean, women are oven, men are microwaved.
26:16So I agree totally.
26:17All right.
26:18Moving along.
26:19Our next question is, when I tell men I just want a sex buddy, they start acting weird.
26:25What gives?
26:27I thought men liked casual sex.
26:29Shonda, what are your thoughts here?
26:31Sex buddies.
26:32Let's talk about it.
26:33Let's talk about it.
26:34Let's be real.
26:35There's a double standard out there, okay?
26:37Men can sleep around with women.
26:40They can have sex buddies, friends with benefits all day long.
26:44But I'm sorry.
26:45It's okay.
26:46If you're a girl and you're doing that, they're going to classify you as a garden tool a lot
26:51of times.
26:52So the guys are probably feeling like, listen, I don't know why you just want a sex buddy.
26:57Like how many sex buddies do you have?
26:59They could assume that you're doing this with different people.
27:02And also guys are kind of like territorial sometimes.
27:06And so they don't want to feel like they're just your sex buddy.
27:10Like they want to feel, I mean, obviously the guys that she's with, maybe they want a relationship.
27:14I don't know.
27:15But you know, obviously if you're just coming at them like I just want a sex buddy, it just
27:20kind of sets the tone.
27:21Like you're just, all you want is sex.
27:23Right.
27:24And guys don't, I think guys traditionally, they kind of, they're okay if they say that.
27:28Right.
27:29But they don't want you to.
27:30But they don't want to hear a woman saying that.
27:32It doesn't look like you really want to jump in here.
27:33It takes away the power from the guy.
27:36And that's why some guys may be turned off from a woman saying that.
27:41And I'm not saying that I agree with that.
27:43I'm not saying that.
27:44You're just keeping it real for us.
27:46Men should feel that way.
27:47It's just that men want to oftentimes dictate the terms of the relationship.
27:51And therefore when a woman puts it out there first, they're not, wait, what?
27:56I'm supposed to be the one who says this.
27:59And so I would often, I would also advise that woman that that's not somebody that she wants
28:05to get into a casual relationship with.
28:08Makes sense.
28:09Because that is a man that will continue to find ways to control the relationship or put
28:13the relationship on his terms, even if it's a casual one.
28:17Got it.
28:18Okay.
28:19So we've heard from the fellow.
28:20We've heard from the ladies.
28:21I like both sides.
28:22Let's see what we have next.
28:23I want my husband and I to have a threesome with another man, not a woman.
28:27How do I convince my husband to get on board?
28:30Shonda, we'll start with you, girl.
28:33Well, they can disagree with me, but listen, there's no other man coming or no other woman,
28:40no other man coming up in my bedroom.
28:42Just point blank simple.
28:43So you're just not even going to try to convince your man.
28:46Yeah.
28:47And it's like, I mean, we talked about one of the things about being married is that you
28:51want to, you want to communicate to your husband and his ego.
28:54So for you to want to invite, I mean, I know it's trendy and if that's what you do to each
28:59zone.
29:00But for me, I feel like, you know, if I'm going to communicate to his ego, one of the things
29:04I want him to know is that he's my man.
29:06He's my king, whatever I'm calling him, you know, what's going on.
29:09So I don't want another man to come in there and to defile our bedroom.
29:13Because for me, I just don't think that that's not anything that I would do.
29:17So that just wouldn't be your fantasy?
29:18Yeah, it just wouldn't be.
29:19But if that's something she's going to do, obviously she's going to need to communicate
29:22that with him.
29:23Do I think he's going to go for it?
29:25Probably not.
29:26Because, you know, I think a lot of men, from what I can tell, they're okay with threesomes
29:31if it's a female.
29:32Well, let's ask one.
29:34Because, Jozen, you're here.
29:35I mean, and I'm saying that to say this is definitely a question I need you to answer
29:39because you have to speak for the fellas here.
29:41Because as women, if we want to go there, this is going to be a tricky subject.
29:44I mean, if I'm speaking for the fellas, I think it's an easy answer.
29:48I just know that's not going to happen.
29:52There is no easy answer.
29:53I haven't had a conversation with a guy who has said, like, they want that to happen.
29:59Right.
30:00But let's take me out of the equation in terms of my own personal preferences and preferences
30:05of the guys that I know.
30:08Your husband should know that you have that side of you.
30:13Desire.
30:14Or that desire for you.
30:15Uh-huh.
30:16And I guess the way that you could go ahead and you could bring that up is just, one,
30:22do your research into that sort of lifestyle and kind of try to get some anecdotal evidence,
30:29some testimonials and things like that.
30:31Things that you can gather.
30:32Present some facts.
30:33Presenting facts.
30:34Okay.
30:35And say, see, it isn't what you think it is.
30:36Okay.
30:37These other people have had a different experience.
30:39And maybe he will get on board after you go ahead and you do that.
30:44Because, again, you have to understand, most men who have an image of that sort of thing
30:49don't have a positive one of that sort of thing.
30:50Right.
30:51It's not a fantasy for them.
30:52Right.
30:53Right.
30:54Exactly.
30:55And they could have done something like that at some point in their life when they were
30:58in more of their reckless days or things like that.
31:02And once again, not a positive image that they have.
31:05Right.
31:06So, I think what the woman has to do in this situation is present it as his wife.
31:13Okay.
31:14You know what I'm saying?
31:15Like, hey baby, this is what I want you?
31:16Understand that.
31:17Yeah.
31:18Okay.
31:19You are my husband.
31:20I am your wife.
31:21These are the ways that you have to present it.
31:23You can't present it the way, like, you know, you're watching some adult video and that
31:29goes down and, yo, that looks really interesting.
31:31Right.
31:32I know, that's a fantasy.
31:33That's not real.
31:34You know what I'm saying?
31:35So, what are you really talking about?
31:37Thank you all for that fantastic advice.
31:39Well, there it is, Essence Live fam.
31:42Hopefully, these answers will help you and yours live your best sex life this Valentine's
31:47Day.
31:48Thank you to Shonda, Michelle, and Jozen for that great advice.
31:52More Essence Live is up next.
31:54We'll see you next time.
32:11We'll see you next time.
32:45You're watching Essence Live.
32:50I'm Charlie Penn, and before we get the results of our viewer poll, I want to read a quick
32:55letter from a viewer about last week's show where we discussed actor Woody McLean's tweets
33:00praising white women.
33:02Jackie Campbell wrote,
33:03My 11-year-old nephew, whose parents are both Black, says he wanted a Puerto Rican girl with
33:08straight hair.
33:09Ideally, I would love for Black men to wake up and date these beautiful Black women who
33:14have held them down, marched in the streets protesting, held down the family, and taken
33:18care of the kids.
33:20History has not been kind to us, and it's time for us to stick and stay together.
33:24Divided, we will fall very fast.
33:27Indeed Jackie.
33:28Thanks so much for watching and writing in.
33:30And speaking of your comments, let's check in one last time with Kayla, who's manning our
33:34social media feeds.
33:35Hey, Kayla.
33:36Hey.
33:37So Tyrone Davis had a comment about our Valentine's Day sex panel.
33:40He said,
33:41Sex is very important in a relationship, so be open with your partner and explore each other.
33:45We had a poll question earlier in the show.
33:47Do you think Adele was sincere in her Grammy comments about Beyonce?
33:50A for yes, B for no.
33:52So Mila Scott says,
33:54Yes, Adele was sincere.
33:55People are used to people being shady that they miss true sincerity, which is an interesting
33:59point.
34:00Adele knew that she didn't deserve it, so she did it out of guilt.
34:03Oh.
34:04Needy comment.
34:05Yvonne Wright Johnson says,
34:06I truly believe that Adele was being genuine.
34:08She is very humble.
34:09I know she's been hurt so many times, so she wants to do the right thing.
34:12And one of my favorites from Terry, but who said,
34:15When Adele said, my black friends, I immediately was like, gulp, here comes the backlash.
34:20So that was interesting.
34:21I felt good about Adele's comments on you, Kayla.
34:23I thought she was sincere.
34:25When she first started to speak, I was thinking 2014 Grammys, Macklemore, Kendrick Lamar.
34:29Like what's happening right now?
34:30Uh-oh.
34:31Take her Grammy and just say thank you.
34:32But I heard the whole thing and I do think she was sincere.
34:35And let's not forget, she broke the award in half.
34:37That's huge.
34:38That happened.
34:39Touching.
34:40Touching.
34:41I felt it.
34:42Well, thanks, Kayla.
34:43Okay, it's time to see the results from our viewer poll.
34:46We asked, do you think Adele was sincere in her comments about Beyonce at the Grammys?
34:51And here are the results of your votes.
34:5598% yes.
34:58And 2% no.
35:00Thank you all.
35:01Well, there you have it.
35:02I mean, there were a few haters out there, so we had to ask, but it's great that you all agree with us.
35:06Thank you all for voting and watching.
35:08And of course, a special shout out to Mack Wilde, Kalani, and all our guests for coming through today.
35:13If you missed any of today's show, you can catch the replay shortly on Essence.com.
35:17And see all of our videos on our YouTube page.
35:20And remember to tune in next Tuesday at 3 p.m. for an all new Essence Live.
35:25I'm Charlie Penn.
35:26Happy Valentine's Day.
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