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Category
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Short filmTranscript
00:00Is this even legal, what you do?
00:03Oh, absolutely. We're licensed by the state.
00:06This isn't like picking up a phone book and dialing a 24-hour service.
00:09No, no, no, no, no.
00:10Most of our clientele are elderly women who just want a hand to hold on to
00:13when they go to the opera or the ballet or something.
00:17Hi. Sorry to keep you waiting.
00:20I'm Sarah.
00:21I'm Bob.
00:22I'm out of here.
00:24I'll call you later.
00:26You sure you want to do this?
00:28I'll call you as soon as the coast is clear.
00:33I really hate this.
00:34I'm sorry. I'll talk to you later.
00:36All right. I'm going.
00:37Bye.
00:39Thanks. We have to go.
00:41Oh, okay. Where are we going?
00:43My parents' house.
00:44Ah, what's the occasion?
00:45It's my father's birthday.
00:46Oh, jeez. I wish I would have known.
00:48I would have brought him a present or something.
00:51Can I ask you a question?
00:52Sure. What?
00:53Well, I was just wondering, why did you hire an escort service?
00:56You and Chris seem pretty.
00:57Oh, we are. We are, basically.
00:59But, um, well, my family doesn't know about it.
01:02I mean, they did at first, but my parents were so unhappy about it.
01:06Why? He seems like a nice guy.
01:08He is. He is.
01:09But, uh, well, he isn't Jewish.
01:13Wait a second.
01:14So, what are your parents, like, orthodox?
01:19Oh, no, no, no.
01:20They just translated means I should only date someone Jewish.
01:24Which, you know, Chris, obviously, is not.
01:27So, we've been seeing each other on the sly for the past six months.
01:34Wow.
01:35I know.
01:40This whole thing is so stupid.
01:42My father, he was sick last year.
01:44My mother has been so tense.
01:45I just, I can't give them any grief right now.
01:48The worst of it, though, was after I told them that I'd stopped seeing Chris.
01:51They assumed that I wasn't seeing anybody,
01:53so my mother kept trying to fix me up with all these sons of friends and relatives
01:58and, I don't know, strangers she'd meet on the street.
02:00I don't know where she found these guys, but my mother is determined to make me happy,
02:03whether I like it or not.
02:05So, anyway, a few months ago, just so they'd feel better,
02:09I told them, I said, I've started seeing someone.
02:12I just invented a boyfriend.
02:15Oh.
02:17Oh, and that's...
02:19Yeah, right.
02:21You must think this is extremely weird.
02:24Well, I must admit, I expected you to be a little old lady who needed a dinner companion.
02:30But this would have been my second guess.
02:32Let's go.
02:37Listen, my father's name is Abe.
02:40He owns a couple of men's clothing stores.
02:42My mother's name is Miriam, but I think you should just call him Mr. and Mrs. Goldman.
02:46My brother will be there, too.
02:48He's a psychologist.
02:49He has two children.
02:50He's divorced.
02:52You and I have been dating since January.
02:54We met at the wedding of my best friend.
02:56Marilyn didn't fast.
02:57You think you can remember that?
02:58Yeah, I guess.
03:02What?
03:03Well, you know, I mean, I think I can handle it.
03:05It's just, I was thinking, you know, with your parents and all,
03:08maybe it'd be better if you hired somebody that is Jewish.
03:14You're Jewish?
03:16No, I'm not.
03:17Your last name's Schroeder.
03:19That's a Jewish name.
03:20Not to me.
03:21My father's Polish and my mother's Italian.
03:23Uh, no, no, I'm sorry.
03:25I specifically asked the agency for somebody Jewish.
03:29Well, maybe they thought Schroeder was a Jewish name, too.
03:31Honest mistake.
03:33Oh, no.
03:35I'm gonna die.
03:36Oh, no.
03:36I'm gonna die.
03:39Maybe we can call the agency, see if they can find somebody else.
03:41No, I'm gonna die.
03:42They'll find the body.
03:44You explain it.
03:45No, no, no.
03:45Sarah, Sarah, listen.
03:46I'm a good actor.
03:47I was gonna have to do some acting anyway.
03:48They can spot a Jew a mile away.
03:50It's like radar.
03:51Sarah, take a breath.
03:54And let it out.
03:58Let's do it.
04:01Okay.
04:02All right.
04:04Get in there.
04:08Mom, Dad, we're here.
04:10Hello.
04:11Oh.
04:12Your name is David Steinberg.
04:15Hi, Daddy.
04:19Hello, baby.
04:22This is?
04:23What?
04:25Who?
04:26Oh.
04:28Daddy, this is David.
04:30David, this is my father.
04:32Mr. Goldman.
04:33How do you do?
04:34Come in.
04:35Hi.
04:37Joel, hi.
04:40Hi.
04:41It's nice to meet you.
04:42Oh, nice to meet you, too, Doctor.
04:45Doctor.
04:47I forgot to tell you.
04:50Come on in.
04:53Sit down.
04:55Sit down.
05:00I've heard a lot about you.
05:02I've heard a lot about you, too, Doctor.
05:03Oh, please call me on.
05:05David.
05:07David.
05:08So how are your children?
05:10They're fine.
05:12You know, I don't get to see them as much as I'd like to.
05:15It's a boy and a girl, right?
05:19Two boys.
05:20Two girls?
05:20Two boys.
05:21Two boys.
05:22Two boys, right.
05:23And their names are?
05:25Daniel and Benjamin.
05:26Daniel and Benjamin, right.
05:29Sarah talks about them all the time.
05:30She does.
05:32So, where's Mom?
05:35Where's Mom?
05:36She's in the kitchen.
05:38She's in the kitchen?
05:39She's been in there for days.
05:41I'll go get her.
05:43Hello!
05:44I'm sorry I kept you waiting.
05:47Hi.
05:47This is Goldman.
05:48It's a pleasure to meet you.
05:49Oh, my goodness.
05:52So handsome.
05:55What are you, Sephardic?
05:57No, no.
05:58I'm Jewish.
05:59Oh.
06:00I know what you mean.
06:03Well, you know, ever since we met at Madeline's wedding...
06:06Marilyn.
06:06Marilyn's wedding.
06:07I have felt like the luckiest man alive.
06:11David, sweetheart.
06:12Let's not give overboard.
06:14Tonight, I made you all your favorite foods.
06:17You know, I even got you a challah from Katzman's Deli.
06:20Katzman's is still surviving?
06:21Oh.
06:21They'll be there forever.
06:22What happened to Katzman's?
06:23You know Katzman's?
06:25Well, it's a long time ago, but they had this thing with the, uh...
06:29with the salmonella.
06:31Oh, right.
06:32Yeah, how could I forget?
06:34You, you're a doctor.
06:36You know about these things.
06:38What causes that, uh, that salmonella?
06:44That's very interesting, actually.
06:47A lot of people don't know this, but, uh, salmonella is caused by a rare bacteria that
06:51gets in the, um, salmon.
06:55Ha!
06:55Ha!
06:56Ha ha ha!
06:57Let's eat.
06:58Let's eat.
06:59Let's eat!
07:00What, you couldn't bring the boys?
07:02It's not my weekend, Ma.
07:04For a special occasion, you could bring the boys.
07:07It's not my weekend.
07:09Yeah.
07:09I hope you'll bring them to my funeral.
07:11God willing, it should be on your weekend.
07:14Yeah, if we're lucky.
07:16Joel, you want to open the wine?
07:18Oh, I'll do it.
07:18No, no, no.
07:19Joel will do it.
07:19No, I don't mind.
07:21Joel will do it.
07:21Joel will do it.
07:22You have to save your beautiful hands for surgery.
07:25Surgery?
07:26Oh, I'm a surgeon, aren't I?
07:29Well, you never know when you're going to have to operate, huh?
07:30Ha ha ha.
07:32So, David, um, you're at what hospital?
07:35Oh, uh, uh, uh, didn't you tell him, sweetheart?
07:37Yes, I did, sweetheart.
07:40I told you, Mother.
07:41David's at Northwestern Memorial.
07:43Oh, do you know Dr. Frankel?
07:45Yeah, my friend went to him for her hypertension.
07:47Dr. Frankel.
07:48Yeah.
07:49Dr. Frankel.
07:51He's an older man, yes?
07:53Yeah.
07:53Oh, yeah, if you're tense, especially if you're hypertense,
07:57well, then there's no one better than Dr. Frankel.
08:00I know.
08:00Ha ha ha.
08:00Ha ha.
08:01Ha ha.
08:01Ha ha.
08:03Shall we?
08:04Ha ha.
08:09Baruch atah Adonai, Eloheinu, melech haolam,
08:12asher kitshanu b'mitzvotah v'tzivanu l'chad l'gner,
08:15shel Shabbat.
08:16Amen.
08:17Amen.
08:18Joel, please say the hamotzi.
08:29Baruch atah Adonai, Eloheinu, melech haolam,
08:32hamotzi lechem in haaretz.
08:35Amen.
08:39David, would you like to say the baruch over the wine?
08:42No!
08:43David doesn't want to do it.
08:47You do it, Daddy.
08:49You know, I don't mind.
08:50It would be my pleasure.
08:51Baruch atah Adonai, Eloheinu, melech haolam,
08:57bo rei peri hagafen.
08:59Amen.
09:00Amen.
09:00To life, to life.
09:05L'chaim.
09:11Let's eat.
09:12David, we'd love to hear more about your work.
09:18Mother, that's enough already.
09:19No, no, that's all right.
09:20I don't mind.
09:21Yeah, I'd like to hear more about David's medical practice.
09:24I hope you weren't the doctor who operated on my neighbor, Sylvia Klein.
09:29I don't believe so.
09:31That's good, because she died.
09:34I don't think she died.
09:35What, have you talked to her lately?
09:37I never talked to her.
09:38You talked to her.
09:39Not anymore.
09:40She died.
09:41She didn't die.
09:42You don't know what you're talking about.
09:44Oh, now I don't know what I'm talking about.
09:46We made a condolence call, remember?
09:49When?
09:50Last summer.
09:52We went to her daughter's house.
09:53Remember the one with the mouth?
09:55That was for Sylvia Klein?
09:57Yes.
09:58What happened?
09:59She died.
10:01Can I have some more cake?
10:02Stop that.
10:03Your veins are all clogged up.
10:06It's my birthday.
10:08You're going to kill yourself eating all that hazar rye.
10:11Oh, you had a TIA.
10:13What is a TIA?
10:16TIA stands for Transient Ischemic Attack.
10:19And what causes that?
10:22It's usually caused by a blockage in the carotid artery that supplies blood to the brain.
10:26Studies have shown that an aspirin can help reduce the chance of a reoccurrence.
10:31Did your doctor prescribe aspirin for you?
10:34One a day.
10:36That should be all right.
10:36What's your doctor's name?
10:38Dr. Habe.
10:39Highland Park.
10:40Good man.
10:42Sarah, on the radio tomorrow, they're playing La Traviata with Renee Fleming.
10:47Oh, I love La Traviata.
10:49You like the opera?
10:50I love the opera.
10:51I went to the opera last night.
10:52Oh, you didn't tell me you went to the opera last night.
10:55Oh, no, I didn't go with Sarah.
10:57Oh, well, who is your aunt?
10:59Oh, you don't know her.
11:00Well, what's her name?
11:02Her name?
11:02Oh, her name is Sylvia Klein.
11:06Another Sylvia Klein?
11:09Wow.
11:10The lightning strikes twice.
11:12It's amazing, isn't it?
11:13I love the opera.
11:16For 40 years, every Saturday afternoon, I listen to opera from the Met.
11:21But you never go?
11:23No.
11:24Well, Abe wouldn't sit through it.
11:26Well, I'll tell you what.
11:27Yeah.
11:27It would be my honor to escort you to the opera sometime.
11:32Really?
11:33I'll tell you what.
11:33I have a card right here.
11:35I'll give it to you.
11:37Dave.
11:39Dave Bob.
11:40Dave Bob.
11:41It's a nickname.
11:42My full name is David Robert Steinberg.
11:45David.
11:46I go by either one.
11:48Will you look at the time?
11:50It's late.
11:51We should get going.
11:52Well, it's not that late, honey.
11:54Daddy, you have to go to work tomorrow.
11:57You need your rest.
11:58Well, let's take a picture before you go.
12:00I'll get the camera.
12:01Mom, you always have to take pictures.
12:03Yes, I do.
12:04When my children are together, it's special.
12:06Come on.
12:07Smush together.
12:09Get over there.
12:09Smush together.
12:10Kids.
12:10All right, smile.
12:12That's it.
12:16Okay, now one of the whole Goldman family.
12:18Oh, I hate to have my picture taken.
12:20Come on, Ma.
12:21Mrs. Goldman, get in there.
12:22You look beautiful.
12:22I don't like pictures.
12:24Okay.
12:27Okay, everybody get in there.
12:28Get in there.
12:29All right.
12:29Give a smile.
12:31One, two, three.
12:35Now one of David and Sarah.
12:37Come on.
12:38Mom, that's enough pictures.
12:39No.
12:40Mom, that's enough pictures.
12:41Come on, honey.
12:42Just one picture.
12:43Oh, come on, sweetheart.
12:45We hardly have any pictures of the two of us together.
12:48Okay, get in close.
12:49How close do you want us?
12:51Depends what you mean by close.
12:53Oh, you want to pose.
12:55Sure.
12:55Why not?
12:56Beautiful.
12:57I'd like a copy of that one, please.
13:08Now, David, we want to see a lot more of you, so don't be a stranger.
13:13Well, we'll see what we can do.
13:14It was very nice meeting you, Mrs. Goldman.
13:16All right.
13:16Good night.
13:17Good night.
13:17You call me tomorrow.
13:19Bye-bye.
13:19Sarah, you called me.
13:21Good night.
13:22Drive safely.
13:28You could have told me I was a doctor.
13:35I can't believe I did that.
13:38I couldn't believe it.
13:38I almost lost it right there.
13:40I'm so sorry.
13:42You were amazing.
13:44Oh, I don't know.
13:44I don't think Joel was buying it.
13:46No, he was.
13:46He was.
13:47He kept watching me.
13:48He's a therapist.
13:49He does that to everybody.
13:51You were just amazing.
13:53You know, I just thought of all the doctor stuff I could think of.
13:55How did you know what a TIA is?
13:57My father had a TIA.
13:59It was the only thing I would have known.
14:01If they would have asked me how to stop a nosebleed, I would have been screwed.
14:03You were perfect.
14:04I was the one who almost lost it.
14:06No, you were great.
14:07The way you said the blessing over the wine.
14:08I mean, I couldn't believe it.
14:11I heard it doing Fiddler.
14:12It was like an old song there coming back to me.
14:14I mean, you were absolutely brilliant.
14:16I'll tell you one thing.
14:18This is definitely going to my diary.
14:25Well.
14:28Well.
14:30Quite a night, huh?
14:33I wish I could give you an Academy Award to go with it.
14:36I don't think there's a category for that.
14:38You really saved my life tonight.
14:42Glad to be of service.
14:49Hey, listen.
14:50If you know anyone that ever needs an escort service...
14:53Oh, you will be highly recommended.
14:55Thanks.
14:58Oh, and don't forget tomorrow afternoon, La Traviata from the Met.
15:02Got it.
15:04Got it.
15:05Okay, um...
15:08Goodbye.
15:09Goodbye.
15:10Goodbye.
15:14Hi.
15:14Hi.
15:16Hi.
15:23Hi.
15:25Hi.
15:26Call Joe.
15:27He called the caterer, and they set an extra place for David.
15:31No.
15:32Oh, how could you come to the bar mitzvah and not bring David, huh?
15:36All me.
15:37Bob.
15:50Sarah.
15:51Hi.
15:53How are you?
15:54Fine.
15:55How are you?
15:56What are you doing on Saturday?
15:57Sarah, listen.
16:00I already told the escort service that I've got another commitment.
16:05I'll pay you double.
16:06Whatever else you're doing, I will pay you double what you'd be making.
16:08That's not the point.
16:09No, off the books.
16:10I'll pay you off the books.
16:11You won't even have to pay your commission.
16:12Sarah, listen.
16:13I don't really have another commitment.
16:17You lied?
16:18Yes.
16:19That's terrible.
16:20How could you do that?
16:22I don't like to lie.
16:23That's why I can't help you.
16:24I don't want to be Dr. David Steinberg again.
16:26But you were so great.
16:28I don't know.
16:29We pulled it off once.
16:29I just don't think we can do it again.
16:31Sure we can.
16:32Of course we can.
16:34I have an audition.
16:36I know.
16:38I arranged it.
16:40What?
16:42I didn't know how to get in touch with you.
16:44I have a friend who's a casting director here.
16:46She works with Chris.
16:47I asked her if she had anything coming up that you'd be right for.
16:50And she did.
16:51So I had her call your agent.
16:55So your agent would call you and tell you to be here now.
16:59This is crazy.
17:01What do they say?
17:04Desperation is the mother of invention.
17:06But I thought the plan was for your parents to meet Dr. David Steinberg once.
17:11And then they went and asked to meet him again.
17:12That was the plan.
17:14What happened?
17:15Well, I was wrong.
17:16Bob, I mean...
17:19So did you really give me this audition?
17:23Yes.
17:25It's for a national spot.
17:27Well, that's good, right?
17:28It's great if I book it.
17:30I'm sure you will.
17:31You're a brilliant actor.
17:33You have so much talent.
17:34You are.
17:34You are so talented.
17:36All right, all right.
17:37You really think I'm brilliant?
17:41Brando, Pacino, Schroeder.
17:45All right, what's happening this Saturday?
17:47Uh, my nephew's bar mitzvah.
17:49Do we have to go to a synagogue?
17:51Just for a couple hours.
17:51And we'll be in services, so you won't have to talk to anybody.
17:53Do I have to do anything special?
17:54No, no, not at all.
17:56The rabbi tells you when to stand up and when to sit down.
17:58And just when you stand up, you can bob up and down a little bit to make it look like
18:02you're praying.
18:04What time?
18:04Uh, I'll pick you up about 9 o'clock.
18:07Are you allowed to drive on Saturday?
18:09We're Jewish.
18:11We're not that Jewish.
18:13This is the last time, right?
18:14Bob, this is the last time.
18:16I promise.
18:17Oh, you know, the service is just about to begin.
18:27Good Shabbos.
18:27Good Shabbos.
18:29Good Shabbos.
18:30It's so good to see you.
18:31Good to see you, too.
18:32You were able to take off from the hospital.
18:34Yeah.
18:35I just told them to make sure nobody was sick while I was gone.
18:40Good Shabbos.
18:41Good Shabbos.
18:43Sarah, this is the dress you wore?
18:45You bought me this dress.
18:46Ten years ago.
18:48It wasn't ten years ago.
18:49I thought you liked this dress.
18:52For Daniel's bar mitzvah, you could buy a new dress.
18:55Mom, I don't need a new dress.
18:56Are you coming in?
18:57He's going to be 14 soon.
18:59All right, we're coming.
19:00We're coming.
19:00Let's go.
19:07Thank you so much for coming.
19:15Sarah, you look beautiful.
19:16How are you, darling?
19:19Hi.
19:20How are you?
19:21So, where's the doctor?
19:23Oh, David.
19:25This is my Aunt Seal.
19:27It's so nice to meet you.
19:30Hello, Aunt Seal.
19:31It's nice to meet you, too.
19:32Such a look.
19:33It's a good thing you're not Catholic.
19:45Why?
19:46If you were, you'd be going to hell.
19:48What are you talking about?
20:04He can't possibly work all the time.
20:07What?
20:07He's the only doctor there?
20:10They can't possibly make him work on Pesach.
20:13I never heard of such a thing.
20:15Call me tomorrow.
20:19Happy anniversary.
20:21Oh, thank you.
20:25You have to go.
20:26You have a plane to catch.
20:28Could you at least open it first?
20:29What is this?
20:34That is a portable global positioning system.
20:37It covers all of North America, including Alaska and Hawaii.
20:40Plus, it's an MP3 player.
20:42I've already programmed all the songs, so all you have to do is plug it into your car's stereo system,
20:46and it'll play Simon and Garfunkel's greatest hits.
20:48And it'll display a map for how to get from here, in your place, to my place.
20:53Oh, thank you.
20:56Thanks.
20:57I'm sorry I didn't get you anything.
21:00All I want for our anniversary is for us to be together.
21:03Chris, please.
21:05I'm going to call you every day from L.A.
21:07You don't have to call me every day.
21:10You know what else we could do?
21:11You could just tell your parents about us.
21:13You could say, parents, Chris and I love each other, and we want to be together forever.
21:16And if you don't like it, you can just lump it.
21:19You're pressuring me, Chris.
21:20Don't pressure me.
21:21I'm under enough pressure.
21:22I have to do the Seder tonight, and my whole family's coming over.
21:25It's...
21:26And Bob?
21:28And Bob.
21:30Aha!
21:31Don't say aha!
21:32No, don't say aha!
21:33There's no reason to say aha!
21:35I really hate this.
21:37You have to go!
21:37Yeah, I know I have to go.
21:39I have to leave town and work while my stand-in gets to do all the fun bits.
21:44Chris, come on.
21:45This is not fun.
21:50I love you.
21:52I don't think we should do this.
21:54What are you talking about?
21:55I just don't think we can get away with it again.
21:57They're going to be here in a minute.
21:59I know.
22:00Look, can't you just tell them I had a medical emergency come up?
22:03I told them that last night.
22:04Just don't think we can get away with this again.
22:07Oh, we can!
22:08We can!
22:08Just this one more time.
22:10You should have seen my mother last night.
22:12She was so heartbroken when I told her you couldn't come to her Seder.
22:14She set a place for you anyway.
22:17It was so pitiful.
22:20Thanks, Mom.
22:22Joel, you couldn't bring the boys?
22:24I brought them to your house last night and Barbara has them at her parents' tonight.
22:29Joel, the boys need to be at a Seder tonight.
22:31I don't know if they're doing a Seder.
22:33Well, call and ask.
22:35I'm not going to call them.
22:37Joel.
22:37You know, I just remembered, they're doing a Seder there tonight, all right?
22:42All right.
22:43All right.
22:45Abe, why don't you start?
22:51First, we'll do a Kiddush.
22:56Amen.
23:00Amen.
23:07Next, we do the carpus, parsley.
23:13Everybody take some parsley.
23:24Amen.
23:25Amen.
23:29Next, the afikoman.
23:32David, would you and Sarah steal the afikoman?
23:36Uh, uh, maybe.
23:40Next.
23:41Oh, uh, excuse me, I'm sorry.
23:43That's my pager.
23:44I'm on call.
23:45On pager?
23:46I'm sorry.
23:47I hope it's not too serious.
23:49I'm gonna have to call in.
23:50Please, go on without me.
23:53No, no, no, we'll wait, we'll wait.
23:55Make your call.
23:55We'll wait for the doctor.
23:57Excuse me.
23:58We'll wait.
24:01This is Dr. David Steinberg.
24:02Did somebody page me?
24:03This is when you wanted me to call you, right?
24:05Uh-huh.
24:07Uh-huh.
24:09Oh, dear.
24:10Just give me a sec.
24:13I'm sorry.
24:14It is serious.
24:15You don't have to go, do you?
24:18David, please.
24:20Don't have to go.
24:21This is Dr. Steinberg.
24:31You can get out of there now, right?
24:33I'd really rather not come in.
24:34You're one nutty kind of guy.
24:37Who's the resident that's on call?
24:39That should be fine.
24:41If you have any problems, feel free to call.
24:44Rhubarb, rhubarb, peas and carrots, peas and carrots.
24:47Now look, I told you that the resident on call is fine.
24:50This is a very sacred holiday for my people, and I'm going to celebrate it with my loved
24:53ones.
24:55It's all right.
24:56Toodles.
24:57So, are we going to take it from the top, or are we going to pick up where we left
25:02off?
25:03David, when Sarah was a little girl, she loved to ask the four questions.
25:08Mother.
25:08No.
25:09Even when she was so little, she couldn't even say the words, but she knew it was something
25:14important.
25:15And we'd say, Sarah, ask the four questions.
25:18And she'd sing happy birthday instead.
25:21That's a great story.
25:24Don't encourage her.
25:26She'll bring out baby pictures.
25:28That reminds me of a story when I was a kid growing up.
25:32When I was a little boy, I grew up in a neighborhood with a couple of Gentile families.
25:37And I remember my little Gentile friends talking about Santa Claus bringing him presents.
25:42And one Passover, I asked my father, if Elijah comes, will he bring presents like Santa Claus?
25:48And my father said, if Elijah comes, he'll bring the greatest present of all, peace.
25:57And I said, if Santa Claus brings presents every year for my friends, when will Elijah bring
26:03his present?
26:04And my father said, we don't know, but we hope he'll come soon.
26:11That's what we Jews do.
26:13We hope.
26:16That's beautiful.
26:18That's a beautiful story.
26:20That is so beautiful.
26:23You know, I heard a story just like that on the radio today.
26:28No.
26:29I did.
26:34Good night.
26:35Good night.
26:36Drive safely.
26:39Oh.
26:41I'm exhausted.
26:43You made it.
26:45Relax.
26:46Relax.
26:48What a concept.
26:50Tense times, huh?
26:51Well, you were brilliant.
26:53Can I get you anything?
26:55No, I'm fine.
26:56Something?
26:57To express my appreciation?
27:00Can I buy you a drink?
27:01Can I buy you a car?
27:02Actually, when I was a kid, after a school performance or something like that, my mother
27:13would take me to get ice cream.
27:15Oh, oh, well, I'd be delighted to buy you some ice cream.
27:22Are you allowed to have ice cream on Passover?
27:25Uh, if I'm not mistaken, both Ben and Jerry are Jewish.
27:33Perfect.
27:34What can I get for you?
27:37I'll have a cup of Jerry Garcia with lots of cherries, please.
27:41And for you?
27:42I'll have a scoop of chocolate with chocolate syrup.
27:44Can I get sprinkles?
27:47Yes, you can get sprinkles.
27:48And sprinkles.
27:49You got it.
27:50So, where'd you get that beeper?
27:51That was pretty clever.
27:53Yeah, I borrowed it from a buddy of mine that does a lot of commercial work, and I had
27:57a friend call me in case I needed an excuse to leave early.
28:01Well, thank you for not leaving.
28:04I'm glad I stayed.
28:07Me too.
28:09Here you go.
28:10So, is there a blessing for the ice cream?
28:13Cheers.
28:14Bye.
28:16Let's, uh, head back to my apartment.
28:17I just have to grab my checkbook.
28:18Oh, no, no, no, Sarah, seriously, I can't.
28:20No, I have to pay you.
28:23No, you don't.
28:25You allowed me to spend Passover with you and your family.
28:28Are you sure?
28:29Absolutely.
28:30Well, thank you.
28:31Thank you for the dinner and the ice cream.
28:35I don't think I'm going to be hungry until next Tuesday.
28:43Oh, one thing I wanted to ask you.
28:46What?
28:47That first night when we were at my parents' and my father took our picture and you kissed
28:57me?
28:58Yeah.
29:02Was that a David kiss or a Bob kiss?
29:08That was a David kiss.
29:12Oh.
29:16This is a Bob kiss.
29:26Listen, I escorted a nice elderly lady to the theater last night.
29:31May I escort you to the theater?
29:38I would like that.
29:40Great.
29:42Well, then, um, I'll call you next week.
29:46Okay.
29:47Okay.
29:47Why don't I call you tomorrow?
30:03Okay.
30:03Okay.
30:11Hi.
30:12Why don't I call you when I get home?
30:19Okay.
30:27Why don't we just talk about it right now?
30:30Why don't we just hang out for a while?
30:33Yeah.
30:34You're not Jewish.
30:43Oi.
30:44Bye.
31:14Bye.
31:44Bye.
32:14Bye.
32:29What are these for?
32:33I'm breaking a cardinal rule. I never assume I'm gonna get a show before I get it.
32:37You're gonna be in a show?
32:38Not for sure. I have an audition.
32:39For what?
32:40but thanks to you, I really feel like I'm going to get this show.
32:45What? What's the show?
32:46It's just a little production called Middler on the Roof.
32:51No.
32:52Yes.
32:53When's the audition?
32:54About an hour.
32:55You have to go.
32:56I've got to go, but I wanted to come by and say hi first.
32:59Oh.
33:00I want to see you later, right?
33:02Call me.
33:03Come over. Whatever.
33:04Whatever.
33:05Whatever.
33:06All right.
33:10I got the part.
33:25Oh.
33:28Oh, congratulations.
33:31Is it okay to say congratulations to an actor?
33:33Yes, you can say congratulations.
33:35Oh, that is great news.
33:38I have some big news, too.
33:41Oh, yeah? What's your news?
33:43My parents are coming over. They'll be here pretty soon. I was just getting ready.
33:49Am I allowed to be here?
33:51Yeah. Yeah, I'd like you to be.
33:53Great.
33:54So, what's your big news?
33:56What's my big news?
34:00We're engaged.
34:02What?
34:04Sorry.
34:04Sarah, I take by engaged, you mean that you and Dr. Steinberg are engaged?
34:12I'm sorry. It just happened.
34:15We're on the phone, and she's giving me that you're not getting any younger speech, and I just blurted it out.
34:24Well, I guess congratulations is in order.
34:27When's the big date?
34:28Next week, I'll announce that you have to go to a medical convention in San Francisco.
34:32While there, you'll meet an old girlfriend who's now an OB-GYN at the Mayo Clinic.
34:36You'll come back. We'll fight.
34:38You'll move to Minnesota, send me a dear Jane letter, and that'll be the end of David Steinberg.
34:45Uh-huh.
34:46So, fade out on Sarah and David.
34:49But what about Sarah and Bob?
34:50We can keep seeing each other. I mean, do you want to?
34:55Very much.
34:58So do I.
35:00But we can't tell your parents.
35:02Not right away, okay?
35:04So we're right back to the beginning, only this time with the shift in casting, and I'm the odd man out.
35:10I don't think I like that arrangement.
35:14Sarah, are you there?
35:16Sarah, look, uh, I don't want to be a pest, but I know you're going through a difficult time right now, and, uh, I want you to know that, uh, I love you, and, you know, I'm, I'm here.
35:33I wish we could keep seeing each other.
35:36Uh, so, anyway.
35:42I'm here.
35:43I love you.
35:50You didn't tell him about us.
35:54No.
35:55I didn't want him to think that I broke up with him because of you.
35:58I don't want to hurt him.
35:59Sarah, by the time this whole thing ends, somebody's going to get hurt.
36:03I'm sorry I got you into this.
36:05I'm not.
36:06Look, why don't we introduce me, the real me, to your family?
36:14I don't know how to get around it.
36:16All right, look, the problems you have with Chris...
36:18Is exactly the same problem I have with you.
36:21Sarah, in my own quiet way, I've been falling in love with you.
36:29You know that?
36:32Yes.
36:34All right, okay.
36:36All right.
36:36I've been doing some thinking.
36:38What are you thinking?
36:39Well, your family's crazy about me, you know.
36:43They're crazy about Dr. Steinberg.
36:46What's in a name?
36:48What's in a name?
36:50Let's not forget what happened to Romeo and Juliet.
36:54Romeo and Juliet concealed their love.
36:56That was their mistake.
36:57Let's not do that.
36:59I just need a little time, okay?
37:01Over time, I can break the whole thing to them gently.
37:05How about that?
37:06Well, I don't want this to sound like a threat or an ultimatum or anything,
37:13but I'm not going to do that.
37:16What do you want me to do?
37:21Sarah.
37:23Write this in ink.
37:25Chisel it in stone.
37:26Embroider it in a doily.
37:29There's the truth, and then there's everything else.
37:33An actor should never give up the chance to play a role.
37:38But, uh...
37:39I'm through with playing Dr. Steinberg.
37:45Bob!
37:45Yeah.
37:47That's my name.
37:48Robert Schroeder.
37:50If you ever want to introduce your family to Robert Schroeder,
37:53give me a call.
38:02Bob!
38:02Bob!
38:05Bob!
38:07No, my parents are coming over.
38:09They want to take us out for a nice dinner.
38:11You don't want to miss that, do you?
38:13You're going to tell them about it?
38:14Yes, yes!
38:14Eventually, I will.
38:17Sarah.
38:18Bob!
38:20I have messed up everything else in my life.
38:23I don't want to mess this up.
38:26You have become a part of my life.
38:28You are already a part of my family.
38:30I don't want to lose that.
38:31I don't want to lose that.
38:34Then tell them about us.
38:36I don't want to hurt them.
38:38You don't want to hurt them.
38:40You don't want to hurt Chris.
38:42You don't want to hurt me.
38:44All you're doing is hurting yourself.
38:46A man has got to stake his claim.
38:55It's what he's got to do.
38:58Maybe he had a medical emergency.
39:00No, I used that one already.
39:01Maybe he had to go to San Francisco.
39:03Maybe he had a medical emergency in San Francisco.
39:05Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you.
39:11Sarah.
39:12Joe!
39:13What's going on?
39:14Mom called.
39:15She says you're engaged.
39:17Yep.
39:19It's official.
39:20You're gaining a brother.
39:21You, uh, want to tell me what's going on?
39:25What do you mean?
39:27Well, I called Northwestern Memorial.
39:31I spoke to Dr. David Steinberg.
39:35Yeah.
39:36Only he's 80 years old and in orthopedics.
39:40So, what's going on?
39:43Do you remember Chris?
39:46Chris?
39:47Yeah.
39:48I told everyone that I stopped seeing him.
39:50But I didn't.
39:52I didn't stop seeing him.
39:55I invented Dr. David Steinberg to tell Mother about
39:58so she would quit trying to fix me up all the time.
40:03Dave.
40:05Bob.
40:07Bob is an actor.
40:10I hired to play the part for you all.
40:13So, you made all of this up
40:16because you didn't like the guys
40:18that Mom was trying to fix you up with?
40:20She wanted to see me with the perfect boyfriend.
40:22I gave her the perfect boyfriend.
40:24And you're still seeing Chris?
40:27Well, no, actually.
40:29Not anymore.
40:30So, how long is this...
40:33Bob...
40:34thing...
40:35going to go on?
40:37Well, now it gets kind of complicated.
40:40Oh, now it gets complicated.
40:43Just let me handle it, all right?
40:45Oh, you're gonna handle it?
40:46How are you gonna handle it?
40:47Well, I'm working on it.
40:50I don't suppose honesty has occurred to you as an option, has it?
40:53Well, I can't tell them about Bob now
40:56any more than I can tell them about Chris.
40:58Well, I don't see how...
40:59Bob isn't Jewish either.
41:01He's not Jewish?
41:02Not officially, no.
41:05No wonder I was confused.
41:07I knew there was something phony about Dr. Steinberg.
41:10It just never occurred to me
41:12that everything was phony about Dr. Steinberg.
41:15If Mom and Dad weren't so bent out of shape
41:17about me dating someone who isn't Jewish,
41:20none of this would have happened.
41:21I'm not psychoanalyzing you.
41:24I will support you 100%.
41:26Just tell me what it is that you want me to support.
41:30Now, what is it that you want the most right now?
41:35I...
41:36I want to be with Bob.
41:38Okay.
41:39Oh, I have your permission now?
41:41Very much.
41:42Why do you need someone's permission?
41:44Because that's the way I was raised, okay?
41:46We always have to be nice.
41:47Everything has to be nice.
41:48God forbid somebody's feelings should be hurt.
41:50What about your feelings?
41:53I have no time to consider my feelings.
41:55I spend my whole life worrying about their feelings.
41:57I just want to live my own life.
41:59So who's stopping you?
42:00They are.
42:01They are?
42:02Yes.
42:02Well, let me say one thing about that.
42:05Baloney!
42:06I don't need this right now.
42:07Look, Mom and Dad are Mom and Dad.
42:09They're your parents.
42:10They're not going to change.
42:12If you want your relationship with them to be different,
42:14you have to change it.
42:15But they won't let me.
42:16Oh, well, then it's all their fault,
42:18and you can blame them for all your problems.
42:20Every day, clients are sitting in my office
42:23going on and on about how their parents
42:25have screwed up their whole lives.
42:27Well, what do you say to them?
42:28Get over it!
42:31They're here.
42:33Are you going to tell them?
42:35Don't you tell them.
42:37I swear, Joel, don't you say anything!
42:39I'm not going to say anything.
42:41Open the door.
42:42Sarah, mazel tov!
42:48Oh, Joel, you're here.
42:50Apparently.
42:52You coming for dinner?
42:53We'll see how it goes.
42:56Sarah, we have so much to talk about.
42:58Have you decided on a date?
43:00Where do you want the wedding?
43:02Wherever you want, you decide.
43:04Oy, this is going to cost me.
43:07Maybe not so much.
43:09We have to get a haul,
43:11and we have to call a caterer.
43:12You know, I want to find out
43:14who catered the Silverman wedding,
43:16because him I wouldn't call.
43:18Just a second.
43:23I liked it
43:24when you said I was part of your family.
43:31Welcome to the family.
43:33Thank you, Mr. Goldman.
43:35David, come here.
43:37Mazel tov!
43:40Mom!
43:42Dad!
43:44There's something I have to tell you.
43:46I know.
43:46We have so much to plan.
43:48No, there's something else
43:48that we have to talk about first.
43:50Well, talk.
43:51Have you two decided on a date?
43:53No.
43:54No.
43:54Well, there's something
43:55that you have to know.
43:57Well, what is it?
43:58Whatever you want, we'll do.
43:59No, I'm not even...
44:00I'm not talking about the wedding.
44:02Well, what are you talking about?
44:03What else is there to talk about
44:04besides the wedding?
44:05Will you let me talk,
44:06and I'll tell you?
44:07Excuse me.
44:10I know...
44:11I know you're not going to be happy about this.
44:13Well, what is it?
44:16The truth of the matter
44:17is that...
44:19David has to go to a medical convention
44:21in San Francisco.
44:23Sarah.
44:23Sarah!
44:23It's not worth it.
44:25Let's just do what we're going to do.
44:26What are you going to do?
44:27We're getting married.
44:28You're not getting married.
44:29You're not getting married?
44:31We're not getting married
44:32the way you think we're getting married.
44:33How many ways are there to get married?
44:35We'll get married
44:36whatever way you want us to get married.
44:39What are you talking about?
44:40That's what I was trying to tell you before.
44:43Hey, what are they talking about?
44:45I don't know.
44:46What are you talking about?
44:48Oh, now what?
44:49What?
44:50You invited somebody else?
44:51No!
44:52I don't know!
44:54Sarah, may I speak to you for a second, please?
44:58This is not a good time.
45:00I promise I will call you tomorrow, right?
45:02No, you know what?
45:03I cannot put this off any longer.
45:06Oh.
45:08Forgive me for barging in.
45:10Mr. Goldman?
45:11Mrs. Goldman?
45:12I'm fully cognizant of the fact that you don't approve of me.
45:17But I think if you got to know me better,
45:19you'd discover that in spite of the fact that I work in advertising,
45:23I'm a very decent human being,
45:24and I love your daughter very much.
45:26And while it might be a source of conflict for her,
45:29I believe she also loves me.
45:31I want to dedicate my life to making her happy
45:33and to provide for her in every way that I possibly can.
45:38So with your permission,
45:39hopefully your blessing,
45:42I would like to ask your daughter for her hand in marriage.
45:48Who is this?
45:51The man that I was seeing,
45:52who I told you I wasn't seeing anymore.
45:56Oh, Santa Claus!
45:58It's an unfortunate sober Kay,
46:00but I will not let it dissuade me from my purpose.
46:03You didn't like him because he isn't Jewish.
46:05Oh, Chris, no.
46:06I did not like him because he wasn't Jewish.
46:09I didn't like him because he reminded me of my cousin Norman.
46:13Him?
46:14I never liked.
46:15Sarah?
46:15Will you marry me?
46:16Whoa, whoa, whoa!
46:17Wait a minute.
46:18Excuse me.
46:18Sorry, please.
46:19You know, we're all very moved by your efforts here,
46:21but we're here to discuss wedding plans for Sarah and me.
46:24I just haven't done my part.
46:29Sarah.
46:30When it's right, you know it.
46:35Will you please marry me?
46:38What?
46:40He already asked her.
46:42Didn't you already ask her?
46:44Abe, jump in.
46:47Is this your boyfriend,
46:49or is this your boyfriend?
46:50Well, that is yet to be determined, sir.
46:52Sarah,
46:53you have two offers on the table.
46:56She's marrying David.
46:57I'm not marrying David.
46:59What?
47:00He's not good enough for you?
47:01No.
47:02I mean, yes.
47:03He's good enough.
47:04Well, then it's settled.
47:06Mom, Dad,
47:07this whole thing
47:09is because I care about how you two feel.
47:11What are you talking about?
47:13What thing?
47:14This thing.
47:15This whole thing here.
47:17Abe, what is this thing?
47:18How do I know?
47:20It's her thing.
47:22What is this thing?
47:23This is Bob Schroeder.
47:27After I told you that I had stopped seeing Chris,
47:31I kept on seeing him
47:32and made up David to be my boyfriend.
47:39Made up.
47:40He doesn't exist.
47:42There is no Dr. David Steinberg.
47:45I hired Bob to portray David,
47:51to portray the boyfriend you thought I had.
47:54Portray?
47:56Like an actor?
47:57Exactly.
47:58Like an actor.
48:01How can you do such a thing?
48:04I'm sorry.
48:04I didn't want to hurt you.
48:07So you make up a story?
48:09You lie?
48:10You don't lie to your parents.
48:12I did it to make you happy.
48:14Lying makes us happy?
48:15Well, you didn't seem crazy about the truth.
48:17You say you want me to be happy,
48:19but I'm only supposed to be happy
48:20with what makes you happy.
48:21I have to live my own life.
48:23So whose life are you living, Sarah?
48:25Mine?
48:27Yes, in a way.
48:29Don't do me any favors.
48:30Mr. Goldman, please.
48:32I'm partially responsible for what's going on here.
48:34So I'm not really a doctor,
48:37and I'm not really Jewish.
48:39You're not Jewish?
48:41Abe, it's another lie.
48:43Mariam, let's go.
48:45Mrs. Goldman, please.
48:48From Sarah and me,
48:49you and Mr. Goldman will have Jewish grandchildren,
48:51not just because the mother's Jewish.
48:53I'm prepared to convert.
48:55Oh, me too.
48:56I was going to say that earlier.
48:58We'll talk about it later.
49:00It's all right.
49:01You live your own life.
49:03You work out your own problems.
49:05But if you'd listened to your mother and me,
49:07you wouldn't have these problems.
49:09Dad, you're not helping the situation.
49:11I'm helping.
49:12Leaving is helping.
49:14Mr. Goldman, please.
49:15I don't stay anywhere I don't want to stay.
49:17Will you just talk to me?
49:19You don't lie to your parents.
49:20I'm sorry.
49:21You lie to the guy who says
49:23you can't come into this country
49:24because you don't have a sponsor.
49:26You lie to the man who says
49:28you can't go to his school
49:30because your name sounds funny.
49:32And you lie to the kid
49:34that comes into your store,
49:35puts a gun to your head,
49:36and then threatens to take your life away.
49:38But maybe you never,
49:39never, ever lie to your parents.
49:43Abe.
49:43Daddy.
49:45Let's see.
49:47Dad!
49:48Abe.
49:49Daddy?
49:49Oh, Abe.
49:50Dad.
49:51You all right?
49:52Dad.
49:52I'm all right.
49:53Call 911.
49:54No, don't call 911.
49:56Yes, Sarah.
49:56Call 911 now.
49:57No, don't.
49:58I'm all right.
49:58It's nothing.
49:59Joel, loosen his collar.
50:01What are we supposed to do?
50:03You couldn't be a real doctor now, could you?
50:04You're more a doctor than I am.
50:06I'm a therapist.
50:07You want me to ask him
50:07how he feels about being sick?
50:09They're on their way.
50:10Don't call 911.
50:12Just get him some water.
50:13I'll be all right.
50:14What else can we do?
50:15Water.
50:16Pop, is there anything else
50:18we can do for you?
50:19Maybe you could all crowd in a little more
50:21so I don't get too much air?
50:27What did the doctor say?
50:33They want Dad to take it easy.
50:35I'll believe that when I see it.
50:37Is your father going to be all right?
50:39Well, all things considered,
50:40it could be a lot worse.
50:42They were able to rule out an MI.
50:44A what?
50:46Myocardial infarction.
50:48Oh.
50:49What's that?
50:50Come on, man.
50:51I gave up my medical practice.
50:53It's a heart attack.
50:57Um, they're going to release him.
50:59So I'm going to take Mom and Dad home
51:02and I'll call you later.
51:05I want to talk to him.
51:07I don't think he wants to talk to you
51:10right now.
51:12All the more reason.
51:13I'll go see if he's ready.
51:17I'm so afraid of losing them.
51:20Sarah, your dad's going to be okay.
51:23I look at my parents
51:24and all I see are parents.
51:29I've never seen them as two individuals.
51:32Sarah.
51:33Mom.
51:34Are you all right?
51:41Yeah.
51:42I'm all right.
51:43I'm all right.
51:44I'm all right.
51:52Sarah.
51:55Whatever we did to make you so unhappy,
51:57we apologize.
52:02You don't have to apologize.
52:04I want you to treat me like an adult,
52:06but I haven't been acting like one.
52:08Whatever you want to do,
52:12you do.
52:13Okay.
52:13You know what I'd like to do?
52:15I'd like for us to get to know each other.
52:17We don't know each other.
52:18We talk on the phone every day.
52:20We talk every day,
52:21but what do we talk about?
52:23We talk like a mother and a child.
52:26Mom,
52:26I want to know about your life.
52:29And Mom,
52:30there are things I could tell you about my life
52:31that you would not believe.
52:33How about having lunch with me tomorrow?
52:42I can't tomorrow.
52:44I have to go to the cemetery.
52:46It's your site for Papa.
52:51May I go with you?
52:52No, you don't want to go.
52:54You don't want to go.
52:55Yes, Mom.
52:56I would.
52:57I would like to go.
53:03Dad,
53:07I need to talk to you.
53:09What do you want to talk about?
53:12Dad, I love you.
53:15Sometimes I've been so afraid of losing your love
53:17that I've acted stupidly
53:20and thoughtlessly
53:22and I didn't treat your love
53:25with the respect that it deserves.
53:28You know, I sat here all night
53:30thinking,
53:31thinking to myself,
53:33what is the best way?
53:36What is the best way
53:37to express my love for you?
53:43From now on,
53:44I want to be honest with you.
53:52And I want you to be honest with me.
53:54I'm honest.
53:55Not always.
53:59You didn't tell me
54:00about your being held up.
54:01We didn't want to worry you.
54:04Exactly.
54:06Exactly.
54:07We're always so worried
54:09about having someone worry about us.
54:12You can trust me, all right?
54:15Let me decide
54:16whether or not I should worry
54:17and I promise,
54:19I promise,
54:21Dad,
54:22that I will let you know
54:24what is going on in my life.
54:26Yeah.
54:34Excuse me.
54:36Chris...
54:43Chris,
54:45you are
54:46the kindest,
54:48sweetest man
54:49I have ever known.
54:51And you have given me more support and understanding than I deserve.
54:58And I will always love you for that.
55:02But I'm not going to marry you.
55:06You be good to her.
55:08Count on it.
55:13Bob.
55:17I'm not going to marry you either.
55:21Okay.
55:22Not right now.
55:25Okay.
55:27I don't know why you came into my life at this particular time.
55:31You called.
55:36I'm really glad I did.
55:38Me too.
55:42And I would like you to be my official and very conspicuous boyfriend.
55:51I can do that.
56:00Mom.
56:01Dad.
56:03Joel.
56:04I'd like you to meet my boyfriend.
56:07This is Bob Schroeder.
56:14Gary.
56:14Merry Christmas, Frank.
56:19Let's get you some meat.
56:20Okay.
56:23Hi, Frank.
56:24I'm Pete.
56:25Oh, nice to meet you.
56:26Oh, it's so nice to meet you, too.
56:28I'm so glad you're here.
56:29Oh, look, I've got this.
56:31I love you.
56:31Roasted chestnut and cranberries.
56:33I've got some turkey here.
56:35But David...
56:36Merry Christmas.
56:38Oh, I know who's the name.
56:40Oh, nice.
56:43What's up?
56:44Daddy.
56:47I didn't know that he called was the hardest one I'd ever liked.
56:52Bill was the hardest one I'd ever liked.
56:57Mom, once ums hat, you were gonna give me that.
57:00I feel badly.
57:04If they had to save us...
57:06Let's go.
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