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The Doctor doesn't always travel with the best, as this lot sufficiently proved.
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00:00It's been said that the Doctor only travels with the best.
00:03However, as Riversong was so fond of reminding everyone, the Doctor lies.
00:07So, with that in mind then, I'm Ellie with Who Culture,
00:09here with the 10 most useless Doctor Who characters.
00:13Number 10. Susan Foreman
00:15Now, this might be a controversial choice,
00:18but in retrospect, the Doctor's granddaughter is a bit useless.
00:21When Doctor Who was first conceived by Sidney Newman in the early 60s,
00:25he envisioned a 740-year-old senile alien time traveller,
00:29who whisked two schoolteachers and a teenage girl across all of time and space.
00:33In essence, this is what happens in the very first episode,
00:36but with one key difference.
00:38Susan.
00:38In the finished version of Doctor Who's pilot episode,
00:41Susan isn't a contemporary teenage girl.
00:43She's the Doctor's granddaughter,
00:44and therefore also an alien time traveller with superior knowledge.
00:48The problem is that many of the people who wrote for Susan
00:51mostly forget this key detail,
00:53and wrote her as an ineffectual teenage girl.
00:56Therefore, rather than continuing to dazzle and intrigue
00:59her schoolteachers Ian and Barbara,
01:00with her advanced knowledge of science, history, and technology,
01:04Susan instead rolls her ankle at regular intervals.
01:06She also frequently loses her head in the face of various intergalactic terrors,
01:10as if she hasn't been travelling to alien worlds
01:12with her grandfather for ages prior to the show starting.
01:15It's hardly surprising that Carol Ann Ford left the role
01:18at the start of Doctor Who's second season.
01:20She was replaced by Vicky,
01:21an orphan from the future who was generally written
01:24as a far more savvy character,
01:26one who essentially became the Doctor's surrogate granddaughter.
01:29Number 9, Mickey Smith.
01:31Mickey Smith, or Mickey the Idiot,
01:33is a character so useless that he lost a fight with a wheelie bin.
01:36Originally written by Russell T Davies as mundane,
01:39ordinary, and cowardly,
01:40Mickey represented everything that Rose Tyler wanted to leave behind.
01:44In Doctor Who's 2005 pilot episode, Rose,
01:47Mickey is so useless that he can be convincingly replaced
01:50by a plastic replica who can barely string a coherent sentence together.
01:53Seeing what Clark brought to the character as a performer,
01:56Russell T Davies gave Mickey more depth
01:58as Doctor Who continued into its second series.
02:01However, he's still pretty pointless.
02:03He risks detection by screaming at a cupboard full of rats in a school reunion,
02:06and while the Ninth Doctor is impressed by Mickey in World War III,
02:09he's only really been following the Doctor's orders the whole time
02:12rather than thinking for himself.
02:14It's only when he's presented with a parallel universe doppelganger
02:17that Mickey decides to stand up for himself,
02:19becoming an action hero and resistance fighter
02:22against John Lumix's Cybermen.
02:24It's this more heroic version of Mickey
02:25that appears in the Series 2 and Series 4 finales,
02:29where he fights again against the Daleks and the Cybermen.
02:32However, it doesn't change the fact that
02:34for the first few years of his time on Doctor Who,
02:36he was pretty darn useless.
02:38Number 8. Victoria Waterfield
02:40After Fraser Hines' historical companion Jamie McCrimmon
02:43became a big success,
02:45the Doctor Who production team attempted to repeat the feat
02:47by introducing another historical companion,
02:50Victoria Waterfield.
02:52The only problem was that she didn't have any notable skills
02:55beyond screaming and just having a terrible time of it.
02:57The original plan was to make Pauline Collins' Samantha
03:00a full-time companion, but she turned down the role.
03:03Investigating her brother's disappearance in The Faceless One,
03:06Samantha proved herself to be a much more independent
03:08and forthright companion than Victoria.
03:10When she's introduced in Evil of the Daleks,
03:12Victoria is literally a damsel in distress.
03:15This comes to define the character throughout her time
03:17with the second Doctor and Jamie.
03:19While Deborah Watling is an incredibly likeable actor,
03:22she's rarely given any substantial material
03:25to sink her teeth into.
03:26And whenever she does take some initiative,
03:28she ends up in deadly danger
03:29and needs to be rescued by the Doctor or Jamie.
03:32Victoria's screaming became such a key part of her character
03:34that it played a crucial role in her final story.
03:37Attempting to defeat an outbreak of deadly sentient seaweed,
03:40the Doctor realizes that sound is the perfect weapon,
03:43and so he weaponizes the screams of his companion.
03:46It's an ending that's either a celebration of
03:49or an insult to Victoria, depending on your outlook.
03:52Number 7. Katerina
03:54When futuristic space orphan Vicky left Doctor Who,
03:57the production team decided to go in the opposite direction
04:00for her replacement.
04:01Enter Katerina, a handmaid from ancient Greece
04:04who joined the TARDIS to tend to Stephen's wounds.
04:07However, either the limitations of a historical companion
04:09or the writer's imaginations led to her being swiftly,
04:13brutally written out of the show.
04:15In some ways, Katerina was one of the most realistic
04:17Doctor Who companions.
04:19Her complete inability to wrap her head around
04:21the fantastical worlds she travelled to
04:23with the Doctor and Stephen
04:24is reflective of how contemporary audiences
04:26may lose their own minds when confronted by the far future.
04:30The problem is that it doesn't make for particularly good drama.
04:33The far future is one thing,
04:34but wouldn't Katerina respond in a similar fashion
04:36if the TARDIS landed in the present day?
04:38This propensity to be dazzled by the future
04:41made her a fairly useless travelling companion.
04:44She may have healed Stephen's wounds from the previous story,
04:46but the rest of her scenes find her dazzled
04:48by futuristic technology,
04:50leaning on the fantastical myths of ancient Greece
04:52to make sense of everything.
04:54Poor Katerina is so unfamiliar with the future
04:56that when held hostage,
04:57she opens an airlock door,
04:59ejecting herself and her captor
05:01into the vast emptiness of space.
05:03Number 6. The Justice Department
05:05Tasked with punishing history's greatest monsters
05:08with their test selector,
05:09the Justice Department is actually pretty bad at its job.
05:12The Doctor, Amy and Rory meet them
05:14when Melody Pond, or River Song,
05:15takes them back to Berlin to kill Hitler.
05:17However, the test selector has arrived at the wrong point in time
05:20and could have easily changed the whole course of history.
05:23The Justice Department shows the failings
05:25in Stephen Moffat's rather glib take
05:27on the killing Hitler dilemma.
05:28While the Doctor smartly orders Rory
05:30to put Hitler in a cupboard
05:31so that Doctor Who doesn't have to deal with him,
05:33the presence of the Justice Department
05:35does highlight the impotence of the Doctor
05:37and others in stopping Hitler's crimes.
05:40While it appears that Hitler will be punished later on,
05:42the Justice Department is moments away
05:44from killing him before they realise
05:46they have the wrong date,
05:47which is hardly the level of due diligence
05:49you'd expect from law enforcement.
05:51It's a good job that Hitler's guilty
05:52of the deaths of millions,
05:54but with such a glaring oversight,
05:56it doesn't give much hope for them
05:57as time's judge, jury and executioner.
06:00They did prove to be of some use, however,
06:02when their test selector aided the 11th Doctor
06:04in faking his own death,
06:05so they're not completely useless.
06:08Number 5.
06:09Krasko
06:09Rosa is one of Doctor Who's best historical stories.
06:13It shows that recent history
06:14can be just as dangerous to the TARDIS team
06:16as medieval times or hostile alien planets.
06:19It also has one of the show's absolute worst villains
06:22in the form of Krasko,
06:23a racist time traveller
06:25who's dressed for an amateur dramatics production of Grease.
06:28Krasko represents the problem
06:29with modern Doctor Who's need for a villain.
06:31The racism of the time
06:32is a dangerous antagonist as it is,
06:34without hammering the point home via Krasko.
06:37While the idea of commercial time travel
06:39being used to spread racist rhetoric
06:41is a strong one,
06:42especially given the trajectory
06:43of how humans have used the internet,
06:45Krasko is such an ineffective presence
06:47that the character loses his thematic heft.
06:50While it's certainly a huge, powerful moment in history
06:52and provides strong character work
06:54for the TARDIS team,
06:55Krasko is a Doctor Who villain
06:56who's essentially beaten by some people sitting on a bus.
06:59Krasko's uselessness
07:01and small-scale messing with the local bus timetables
07:03could be seen as a takedown
07:05of the petty small-mindedness of racists,
07:07but it fundamentally doesn't work
07:09in terms of Doctor Who villainy.
07:11Number 4, Turlo.
07:13Anyone who says that Adric
07:14is the fifth Doctor's worst companion
07:16is willfully ignoring Turlo.
07:18Adric is a passable TARDIS pilot
07:20who's really good at maths,
07:21while Turlo is an overgrown schoolboy
07:23who starts his time in the TARDIS
07:25by trying to murder the Doctor
07:26on the instruction of the Black Guardian.
07:28And yet, despite the multiple opportunities
07:30presented to him
07:31throughout his first serial Mordrin Undead,
07:34he relents.
07:34Charitably, Turlo's reluctance
07:36to kill the Doctor in Mordrin Undead
07:38could be compared to Hamlet,
07:39but writer Peter Grimwaid
07:41is no William Shakespeare,
07:42and actor Mark Strickson
07:43is no Laurence Olivier.
07:45Once Turlo finally rejects
07:46the Black Guardian in Enlightenment,
07:48he goes from being a useless assassin
07:50to being a useless Doctor Who companion.
07:52He's more cowardly than Mickey,
07:54more prone to fright than Victoria,
07:56and generally spends most of his time
07:57smugly winding up Tegan.
07:59It's also not entirely certain
08:01that he's given up on his mission
08:02to kill the Doctor either.
08:03Memorably, in Warriors of the Deep,
08:05Turlo pronounces that the Doctor
08:07has drowned to death mere seconds
08:09after the unfortunate Time Lord
08:10hits the water.
08:11Speaking of drowning,
08:12Turlo does save Perry from a watery grave
08:14at the start of his final story,
08:16so he's not 100% useless.
08:18That being said,
08:19looking back across his time
08:20with the Doctor Antiguan,
08:21it's hard to discern exactly
08:23what Turlo brought to the TARDIS,
08:25aside from a nice sketch
08:26of the Eye of Orion.
08:27Number 3, Adam Mitchell.
08:29Adam Mitchell had one job,
08:31to be an expert on the alien technology
08:33held in Henry Van Staten's
08:35underground facility,
08:36and he wasn't very good at it.
08:37Then, once the Dalek gets loose
08:38in the facility,
08:39he even leaves Rose for dead.
08:41And yet, the Doctor still agrees
08:42to Rose's request
08:43to let him travel with them.
08:45Didn't the Doctor learn
08:46his lesson with Turlo?
08:47Adam doesn't improve
08:48when he takes his first trip
08:49in the TARDIS to Satellite 5,
08:51putting the Doctor
08:52and Rose's lives at risk.
08:53While those two investigate
08:55the strange goings-on
08:55at Satellite 5,
08:57Adam swans off
08:57and gets his brain upgraded
08:59in a craven attempt
09:00to profit from future knowledge.
09:01The guy's a total liability.
09:03Now, while this knowledge
09:04may have actually helped him
09:06in his role with Henry Van Staten,
09:08it actually informs the editor
09:09and the Jagrafess
09:10about the Doctor and Rose.
09:12As a result,
09:12Adam experiences
09:13the righteous fury
09:14of the Doctor,
09:15who throws him out of the TARDIS.
09:17Quite right, too.
09:18As a self-obsessed
09:19and cowardly figure,
09:20Adam is a fundamentally
09:21useless Doctor Who character
09:23who only makes things worse
09:24for those around him.
09:25Number 2,
09:26Chameleon.
09:27Chameleon is essentially
09:28the fifth Doctor equivalent
09:30of when the eleventh Doctor
09:31shaved his head
09:32out of boredom,
09:33or when the twelfth Doctor
09:33constructed a clockwork squirrel.
09:35The legend goes
09:36that the chameleon prop
09:37caught the attention
09:38of 1980s Doctor Who producer
09:40John Nathan Turner,
09:41who was focused on
09:42taking the show
09:42into the future
09:43with a properly robotic companion.
09:46The only problem was
09:46the automated prop's
09:47substantial limitations.
09:49K-9 may have struggled
09:51to traverse anything
09:52other than a smooth
09:53studio floor,
09:54but Chameleon struggled
09:55to achieve even that,
09:56and was regularly
09:57propped up against a wall.
09:58These limitations
09:59were further exacerbated
10:00when, tragically,
10:01the only person
10:02who knew how to operate
10:03Chameleon,
10:04Mike Power,
10:04was killed in a boating accident.
10:06This needn't have been
10:07a problem, however.
10:08Chameleon may have been
10:09a robot,
10:10but he also had the ability
10:11to assume any form.
10:13For notoriously publicity-hungry
10:15producer John Nathan Turner,
10:16this could have been
10:17an ideal opportunity
10:18for a rolling cast list
10:19of special guest stars
10:21in the role of Chameleon.
10:22Instead, the robot
10:23was stuffed into a TARDIS cupboard
10:24and rarely seen again.
10:26He made one last appearance
10:27in Planet of Fire
10:28when he was taken over
10:29by his original owner,
10:31the Master.
10:31So that's yet another
10:33Fifth Doctor companion
10:34who conspired against him.
10:35Come back, Adric!
10:36All is forgiven!
10:38Number one,
10:39Sniperbots.
10:40I mean,
10:40the clue's in the name.
10:42Sniperbots.
10:43Sniperbots.
10:44Robots whose whole purpose
10:45is to be exceptional snipers.
10:47Created by the Stenza,
10:49the Sniperbots appeared
10:50in both the Ghost Monument
10:51and the Battle of Ransgor Av Kolos
10:53and were completely,
10:55utterly useless
10:56in both appearances.
10:57It's something of a sci-fi cliche
10:59that the villains
10:59can't shoot straight,
11:01but it's particularly
11:01galling in this case.
11:03These robot assassins
11:04are supposed to be
11:05the best snipers
11:06in the universe,
11:07but they can't even
11:07withstand a challenge
11:08from Ryan Sinclair.
11:09Despite Ryan's difficulties
11:11with coordination
11:11and riding a bike,
11:13he can gun down
11:14a whole army
11:15of specially designed snipers
11:16because he's played
11:17Call of Duty.
11:18Take that,
11:19Stenza weapon specialists.
11:20It's hardly surprising
11:21that the Sniperbots
11:22are useless,
11:23especially given
11:24that the Stenza
11:24also created
11:25the evil sentient bandages
11:27which warn the Doctor
11:28about their hidden past.
11:29When the Sniperbots
11:30return for the Battle
11:31of Ransgor Av Kolos,
11:32a Doctor Who story
11:33that writer Chris Chibnall
11:34doesn't even like,
11:35they are once more
11:36swiftly dispatched
11:37by Ryan and Graham
11:38with a well-timed duck.
11:40Of the Stenza's
11:40many crimes
11:41against the universe,
11:42their Sniperbots
11:43should get them
11:44hauled up in front
11:45of the courts
11:45for breaching
11:46the Trade Description Act.
11:47And that concludes
11:48our list.
11:49If you think we missed any,
11:50then do let us know
11:51in the comments below.
11:52And while you're there,
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12:04Ellie Littlechild.
12:05I've been Ellie
12:06with Who Culture
12:06and in the words
12:07of River Song herself,
12:08goodbye, sweeties.
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