- 1 day ago
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00:00It was a Wednesday and Mum was beside herself. There were new faces in Jessup Square.
00:07Apart from that, everything was pretty normal. I was enjoying my Wednesday licorice pipe.
00:12Marbles were on. Julie was giving someone the classic monkey scrub.
00:16But something enormous was about to happen.
00:19Something terrible and disastrous that would cause a disturbance in the force so intense that not even Obi-Wan Kenobi could fix it.
00:34Keep us together.
00:46You're wearing highly knitted numbers, Jenny. Here, have a look.
00:53Complex weaves. Patterns are way beyond anything I've ever seen before.
00:59It's the sort of knitter but only ever dream of Brenda.
01:01Imagine being so effortlessly modern and continental.
01:06Oh, hello. I see you have moved in. Tra-la-la-la-la-la.
01:12Hello. Do you like finger buns?
01:16We need to try carefully. I'm not sure Scandinavians like finger buns. There's different cultures and all that.
01:21You're right, Jenny. Friendships are based on similarities and shared experiences.
01:25We're going to have to find something. We want to be friends with them.
01:27Just like you and me. We love knitting.
01:29I don't know, no.
01:31Hmm.
01:33We both love being feminists.
01:34No, I don't. I mean, I know I sort of have to but the shoes, Brenda.
01:40I like cheese and onion crisps.
01:42I like cheese and onion crisps. See? This is why we're friends.
01:45Oh, actual Scandinavians are just in square, Jenny. Did you ever think you'd see the day?
01:52No. It's like when it's a knockout when to Belgium.
01:57What are they doing now?
01:58One of them is rubbing her...
02:03Wait! There must be a Swedish massage thing.
02:07Swedish massage, Jenny.
02:10It's like we're living on the moon.
02:14Jenny gave me this.
02:16Do you think it's a hint?
02:17Of course it is. Five months and counting, then that's it.
02:21You're a dad for the rest of your life.
02:25Some women find it hard to cope with a new baby, so feel free to lend a hand.
02:29Right. So it's not compulsory.
02:33It's fine. It's just feeding, bathing, putting to bed.
02:36It's nothing difficult.
02:37But it's not compulsory.
02:39It's the new thing, Tim. Hands on dad skills.
02:41The days of sitting back and doing nothing are over.
02:44Trust me. You need to prepare yourself.
02:46Last time someone told me to prepare myself, it was a doctor with a greased finger in the air.
02:50Wait, what about now?
02:52No. Uh, thumb pick.
02:54Bingo.
02:56Ruddy ITV.
02:58It's always going on the blink. I don't know why we need three channels anyway.
03:01Jenny's asked me to make a cot. From scratch, Tony. I don't even own a spanner.
03:05You can manage it. Four posts. Planks across the base. That's it. It's easy.
03:10Right. I was thinking more along the lines of you doing it for me.
03:14No, Tim. No. I'm not doing this stuff for you.
03:17Beer first. Cot later.
03:19Cot first. Then beer. Dad skills level one. You'll be glad you've done it.
03:23It's like I've joined the Marines.
03:24Donny Osmond has got married. My life is over.
03:39No. His life is over.
03:42Would it help if I told you we were going to go to Alderaan on the Millennium Falcon?
03:45Are we going to go to Alderaan on the Millennium Falcon?
03:49Are we? No. No.
03:51No!
03:53Never try and cheer up a woman, Tony. It's like trying to calm a furious otter.
03:57Tim, this is a perfect chance for you to try out some of your dad's skills.
04:00Go on. Say something nice to her.
04:02Hey.
04:06I like you.
04:09More than I like...
04:11beer.
04:13Is that true?
04:15No. No, it isn't.
04:17Come here. Come on.
04:19Happy day.
04:21It wasn't good enough for you anyway.
04:23Was he?
04:25Guess what? Guess what?
04:27Actual Scandinavians have moved into Jessup Square.
04:29Actual Scandinavians!
04:32I heard they know Amber.
04:34Is that true, Jenny? Or have you just made it up?
04:36I just made it up.
04:38Is he beginning with it?
04:40Oh, no. What's the matter with you?
04:42Tony Osmond has got married.
04:44Oh, no, no, no, no, no. He's got far too many teeth.
04:47It'd be like kissing a cliff. Come on. Dry your eyes.
04:50Actual Scandinavians in Jessup Square.
04:53What sort of Scandinavians? Because I know a man who has a Swedish au pair
04:56and she does the washing up in a nutsy.
04:59Pardon?
05:00She doesn't even charge extra.
05:01Stop! Just stop.
05:03Have you made that cut yet?
05:05No.
05:07Well, you're gonna borrow some tools off me, aren't you, Ted?
05:09Well, hang on. Let's not get overexcited.
05:11He is, he is.
05:13Is Dad's skills level one?
05:17Here. Have that.
05:20Dry your eyes something.
05:22Can I have a beer now?
05:25No.
05:27Holy moly.
05:29When it came to making friends,
05:31Mum was like a ferret clamped down on a rabbit.
05:34First rule of making new friends overwhelm them with unnecessary gifts.
05:38Works every time.
05:40Failure was not an option and there was no escape.
05:43First impressions are so, so important.
05:44Good job.
05:46Oh, you're collecting for charity.
05:48I've got some stuff I was going to throw away.
05:49Come in, come in.
05:50No, no, no, we're not.
05:52Well, just stay here and I'll go and get something for you.
05:54What was that?
05:56You're collecting for charity?
05:58No, no, no, we're not.
06:00Well, just stay here and I'll go and get something for you.
06:01What was that?
06:02You're collecting for charity?
06:03No, no, we're your neighbours.
06:04We thought we'd come round and say hello, bring some gifts.
06:06Try and allow.
06:08You know, it's a, um, welcome to Britain box.
06:11Gifts, really?
06:13Goodness, that's the second box of presents we've had today.
06:15Mr and Mrs Palmer came around earlier with cakes.
06:16Do you know them?
06:17The Palmers, yes.
06:18So, they've been here before us.
06:19Yes, just about an hour ago.
06:20Oh, they're so lovely.
06:21So clever and funny.
06:22Ha!
06:23Ha!
06:24Ha!
06:25Oh!
06:26Oh!
06:27Oh!
06:28Oh!
06:29Oh!
06:30Oh!
06:31Oh!
06:32Oh!
06:33Oh!
06:34Oh!
06:35Oh!
06:36Oh!
06:37Oh!
06:38Oh!
06:39Oh!
06:40Oh!
06:41Oh!
06:42Oh!
06:43Oh!
06:44Oh!
06:45Oh, we loved them!
06:50Please...
06:51Yes?
06:52Oh...
06:53What is this?
06:54It's a sweet, er, stick of rock.
06:56Stick of rock?
06:58Mm-hmm.
06:59Clara Fawcett shampoo.
07:01I know, she's not technically British, but...
07:03Yeah, that good.
07:04It transcends borders.
07:06Just some tokens.
07:08We weren't really sure what people from Scandinavia would like.
07:11Who knows what worlds you've travelled to?
07:13too. You know, like Doctor Who. I hate to disappoint you, but we're not Time Lords. Goodness.
07:23There's more. Now, what is this? It's a string picture of Angela Rippon. Angela Rippon? She's
07:30like the Queen, but in a way, more important. Oh, I get it now. Some children put all this
07:38together. So, where are you from? I'm from Denmark. You know, my kings. Denmark? Yes. Denmark.
07:57When I was five, I was given some Lego, and I was told that came from Denmark. And I
08:04thought that Denmark was the name of the shop. You know, like Bjam. Well. Bacon. That's
08:15a thing from Denmark. That's it. We don't know anything else about Denmark. Here you go.
08:20Oh, thank you. A pair of old slippers. Oh, no, no, no, no. They're not collecting for
08:23charity. It's a box of gifts. Look. Stick of rock and shampoo and they live here. Oh, this
08:31is Marie and I'm Lotte. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Welcome. They've been trying
08:41to think of things to say about Denmark. Moomins. No. That's Finland. That's Finland. Tell you
08:50what. Why don't you come over tomorrow night? You can learn more about Denmark and we could
08:55have a cultural exchange. That'll be fun. Cultural exchange. Brilliant idea. Oh, is that
09:01okay with you, darling? Yes, of course. Great. You're a couple? Yes. Yes, we are. Yeah.
09:09So, so super. So you're a couple as well? Yes. Yes, we are. Amazing. Another lesbian couple
09:16on an estate in Stevenage. What are the chances? Yes. Really, really slim. Remember the cultural
09:24exchange? We could bring our friends Tony and Tim because they live here too. You'll really
09:29like them. Are they gay as well? Yes. What? Yes, they are. What is this? A gay paradise.
09:36I can barely believe it. Neither can I. Jenny, what have you done? It just happened. I thought
09:43it would make them like us more than the partners. Oh, gosh, yes. They're most like us more than
09:48the Bombs. See, because if we're gay, then we'll be their favourites. You're a genius, Jenny.
09:53What's that happened? From now on, it's my girlfriend. Hang on. Have you even got a cat?
10:10Right. Wood there. Tools over there. Everything you need. I'll leave you to it. What do you mean
10:16leave me to it? You're going to make a cough tin. I'll be back in an hour. An hour? Hang on, Tony.
10:21I thought you were my friend. What, you're leaving me here? It's a garage, Tim. It's not
10:25the Normandy beaches. I'll be back in one hour. What? Blimey. That's a lot of wood.
10:39Now, let's think. What's really British? We could turn off all the lights in the house,
10:45pretend we're having a power cup. I'm not feeling the fun, Jenny. What about a strike? And a
10:50picket line? I've got an old dustbin. We could set fire to it. We can't stand around a burning
10:55dustbin in their living room. Besides, I don't have a cloth cap. Or a northern accent.
11:01What about a picture of the Queen made from roast beef? If a string Angela Rippon didn't blow their socks off a beef queen is getting us nowhere.
11:12I don't know. We need to think of something glorious. Something cultural. Something with a wow factor.
11:17I could do my impression of Frank Spencer. Ooh, Betty. And then a whoopsie on the carpet. Ooh.
11:28Jenny, that's dreadful. We need something greater. Our nation expects. Of course something.
11:34We just need to get out of a costume. Oh, we should all have costumes.
11:39Our cultural exchange is going to be brilliant. Oh, we're going to be friends with Danish people.
11:44It's such a sharp thrill. Oh, Banksy, I have Lottie. Hang on, I saw her first.
11:50Right. How are you getting on? I've only gone and done it. I've made a cot, Tony. I feel magnificent.
11:57Is that safe for a baby? Yeah, it'll be all right if it sleeps on that end.
12:02Have you tested it? See if it'll bear weight? No.
12:08OK, then. Try that. Return that's your baby.
12:23Look, I made the cot. That was the deal. Can I have a beer now, please?
12:26Dad's skill is level one, Tim. I tell you what, let's try something easier.
12:31Cheer up, Emma. How's that?
12:33Hey, Emma, come here a minute.
12:38Do you like bonfires?
12:45It looks like the sun has gone in forever.
12:49I thought you said you liked bonfires.
12:51It was dark inside.
12:54You took a child to some wasteland, set fire to a baby, and then told her that her childhood was over.
13:01What is the matter with you?
13:03I never said over.
13:05He did.
13:06Such a snitch.
13:08Did it cheer you up, Emma?
13:09Of course it didn't.
13:11Can't I just give her some money?
13:12No, you can't.
13:14Being a dad is a complicated, almost mystical business.
13:17But at its very core, it's simply about making things all right.
13:21Money will never do that, Tim.
13:23It's fine. I can take the money.
13:25Great.
13:26Yes.
13:27Cheered up yet?
13:28No.
13:29Why, you...
13:31Well then, the good news is, we're going for a cultural exchange with the Danish Scandinavians.
13:38Danish?
13:39They're the ones with the big dogs, aren't they?
13:42Great Danes.
13:43Aye, thank you.
13:45And Hamlet, he was a great Dane. Amazing jokes, Tony. Top notch.
13:47And...
13:49They're not just Danish.
13:50No, they're not.
13:51Guess what else they are?
13:53Goatherders.
13:54Spies.
13:55Sexy ones that strangle people with their thighs.
13:57No.
13:59They're lesbians.
14:01Actual Danish lesbians.
14:05Danish lesbians!
14:07What's a Danish lesbian?
14:09Well, erm...
14:11It's a woman that loves another woman.
14:13And there's absolutely nothing wrong with that.
14:15At.
14:16At.
14:17All.
14:18But the problem is, Jenny has accidentally told them that we are lesbians as well.
14:23Hello.
14:25And that you two are a homosexual gentleman couple.
14:29What?
14:30That you two are gay.
14:31You're gay.
14:32Sorry, what?
14:33We are gay?
14:34Yes, gay.
14:35No-one's going to believe that.
14:36We're a stricis plight.
14:40Well, for the purposes of the cultural exchange, we are all...
14:45Gay.
14:46Jenny, what were you thinking?
14:47I didn't think it through.
14:48Alright?
14:49I.
14:50Didn't.
14:51Think.
14:52It.
14:53Through.
14:54Happy now?
14:55Am I gay as well?
14:56Not yet.
14:57But you can come too, it might cheer you up.
14:58But I don't want to be gay.
14:59Well, you're going to have to be gay.
15:00We don't want to let Jenny down.
15:03Please.
15:04Woo!
15:05Dressing up was for special occasions.
15:08Going to the theatre, eating a curry, and now this.
15:12Impressing foreigners.
15:14Oh, I never thought we'd get a chance to put you in that.
15:17Honestly, Em, my chest is fair bursting.
15:21Look at you.
15:22Your grandmother would be proud.
15:24Now, try it again.
15:26Oh, that's going to knock their socks off, innit?
15:34How are you feeling?
15:35Full of feelings.
15:36Like you were when R2D2 was left behind with the Jawas.
15:39I had a wet neck, Em.
15:41I don't care who knows it.
15:43Who needs Donny Osmond, eh, when you're decked out in proper Welsh clobber?
15:46Smells funny.
15:47Like an old pond.
15:48That's God intended.
15:50Come on.
15:51We're pulled through together.
15:53Oh, this cultural exchange is going to be mortifying.
15:56Less of that.
15:57Thank you, Tony.
15:58It's our time to shine.
15:59Now then, Emma, we want the foreigners to like us,
16:02so we're going to have to act a bit weirdly.
16:04Don't worry.
16:05I'm used to it.
16:06And to explain you, I'm going to say you're my niece from Wales.
16:10This is nuts, Brenda.
16:12We'll be fine.
16:17Amazing.
16:18It's only you've come as a Boris man.
16:21And Tim, you've, you've, you've come.
16:24And killing two birds with one stone.
16:26Cultural exchange and, well, one of us has to be the man.
16:29Oh.
16:30Hello, Tony.
16:31Cool.
16:32You look lovely.
16:33No, I'm not on the lips.
16:34Mmm.
16:35Hey, Emma.
16:36Nice hat.
16:37You cheered up yet?
16:38Not really.
16:39Have you made your cot yet?
16:40Shush, you.
16:41Stick to the plan and we'll be fine.
16:43For Harry, St George.
16:45And dress up square.
16:47Let's do this.
16:48Let's do this.
16:53Run now, baby.
16:54Down to sea, yeah.
16:57Run now, my way.
17:00The street by me, yeah.
17:02Run, my mind, allow me.
17:04Brenda, you know you asked us to think of some British customs to share?
17:08For the cultural exchange, yes.
17:09Well, there was this man I knew.
17:10Used to be in the Navy.
17:11And he could knock a snooker ball into a pocket with his own...
17:12Tip him.
17:13Is this going where I think it's going?
17:14Yes.
17:15In the pocket off the pink.
17:16Stay quiet and offer to do the washing up at the end or something.
17:17Washing up?
17:18Right.
17:19Let's do this.
17:20We can totally pull this off.
17:21They know nothing about us.
17:22God rest you merry Danish men.
17:23Let nothing you dismay.
17:25Remember that you're going to go to...
17:28No, no, no, no, no.
17:29Abandon, abandon.
17:30It doesn't work.
17:31It's not Christmas and you're not a man, so it's just a bit of fun for the cultural
17:49exchange.
17:50Well, for Christmas in Denmark, we like to put cats in barrels and roll them down hills.
17:56What?
17:58Not real ones.
17:59Oh!
18:01Welcome, come in.
18:04It went through him quicker than he marbled down a pipe.
18:09Hello, hello, how lovely to have everyone together.
18:14Hello.
18:16Hello.
18:17Can I pretend to be gay in front of the palace?
18:19Shhh, push on through culture, culture.
18:21Let's get the cultural exchange started.
18:23Dee, why don't you show Brenda your Nigerian welcome?
18:26It's where we tell you everything we know about you.
18:29It's tradition.
18:36Brenda, Ekapo.
18:38You are an excitable woman.
18:40You like to stare at people through your bedroom window.
18:43You are possibly on tablets.
18:45You are married to Tony and...
18:46God save our gracious queen,
18:49Long live our noble queen,
18:53Long live our queen.
18:56Long live our queen.
18:58Save the victorious,
19:02Happy and glorious,
19:06Long to reign over us,
19:10God save the queen.
19:15That is our national anthem.
19:18It's quite kicky, isn't it?
19:20Yeah, woohoo, the queen.
19:21Our national anthem has got billions of verses
19:25and it takes two days to finish.
19:27Da er i dønd i land,
19:30De somme brede bøe nærs.
19:40Honestly, we all have grey hair before it ends.
19:44If we were trees, we'd grow another ring.
19:48What I'm saying is, it's long.
19:52So, Tim and Tony, Jenny told us all about you.
19:56Oh, no, I bet she did.
19:58I love what you've done with the room.
20:00Don't you, Tony?
20:01Yes, I...
20:03Yeah, it's lovely.
20:04Yeah, the skirting boards, you know.
20:07I like your helmet.
20:09Thanks.
20:10I'd be saying something nice back about what you're wearing,
20:13but Danish people are very rude.
20:16Oh!
20:18Who are you?
20:19I'm Emma, the niece from Wales.
20:22They made me come to cheer me up.
20:24So they thought dressing you like that would cheer you up?
20:27No, that's Welsh national costume.
20:29That's very traditional.
20:30It stinks.
20:31Who made you come?
20:33She did.
20:35Ah, so you are her aunt?
20:39No.
20:40No, she's mine.
20:42Pretends to be a niece.
20:44Active imagination.
20:45So she's your child?
20:49How?
20:54Oh, you don't know.
20:55Because you are lesbians.
20:56Well, Tony...
20:57Do you think I could have a drink, please?
20:59I'm really...
21:01thirsty, actually quite parched of costume, quite...
21:04I'm thirsty as well, actually.
21:06Oh, well, we have a traditional drink for you.
21:09See, the Danish like to start an evening with some snaps.
21:13You take it, and down in one.
21:18That's a Danish wave.
21:19Thank you very much.
21:26In town.
21:27And now we burn down your houses and sleep with all your women.
21:32And I'm not even joking.
21:35Don't try to save me, David!
21:40Oh, no, thank you.
21:41I'm pregnant.
21:43I'm fat.
21:46And now Emma will say the name of a Welsh train station.
21:50Can you think of a train station with a long name, David?
22:04Wellen Garden City?
22:05Doesn't count, not even one word.
22:07And now we have an English Morris dance.
22:17Morris dance.
22:19A tradition that goes back millions of years.
22:22Huge news.
22:23Huge, huge.
22:37So, is that it?
22:40It's just sticks and...
22:43skipping?
22:44No, it's more tight than that.
22:46It's, um...
22:47It's routine's going.
22:48It's quite challenging.
22:49The hopping and the bopping.
22:51It's very technical.
22:53It's good.
22:54It's good.
22:55It's good.
22:56Yeah.
22:59All right, everybody.
23:00Let's eat.
23:02Come on.
23:04So, this is Smurfel.
23:06There you are.
23:08Smurfel.
23:09Smurfel.
23:10Yes.
23:11And over there you have, uh...
23:13Lots of snacks.
23:15That's the Danish way.
23:17I love new cultures, but the food terrifies me.
23:21When I met Dee, we were at a technical conference in Tanzania.
23:25We're both scientists.
23:27And I had to eat a yam soaked in yaks milk.
23:29It was like journeying into the darkest recesses of my soul.
23:34He didn't like it.
23:35I feel like that about Blumange.
23:37Mm.
23:38You're both scientists.
23:39Mm-hmm.
23:40So impressive.
23:41I teach English.
23:42Actual English in there.
23:43Jenny can type.
23:45120 words a minute with my eyes closed.
23:48130 if I don't have to use the queue.
23:51Well, he farted the first line of Land of Hope and Glory once.
23:54That's really British.
23:56And the desk count.
23:57How lovely that you have the same job.
24:00It helps if you have similar interests, doesn't it?
24:03Yes, it does.
24:05Yes, we have similar interests.
24:08Really?
24:09Like what?
24:11Um...
24:12Cheese and onion crisps.
24:14Why are you two behaving like...
24:15Look at those extraordinary snacks, Jenny.
24:18Look, they're like sort of not-done sandwiches.
24:21No, no, no, no, no.
24:22These are Danish sandwiches.
24:23They don't have bread on top.
24:24A sandwich with no top.
24:27Amazing.
24:28And what are these?
24:29This is...
24:30This is...
24:33Pickled herring.
24:34Pickled herring.
24:35Here.
24:37Have one, David.
24:38Yes.
24:45Eat it.
24:46Oh!
24:47Oh!
24:48Oh!
24:49Oh!
24:50Oh!
24:51Oh!
24:52Oh!
24:56Oh!
24:57Oh!
24:58Oh!
24:59Oh!
25:00Oh!
25:01Oh!
25:02Oh!
25:05Oh!
25:09Oh!
25:10Lovely.
25:12Here, have another.
25:13Here, look,
25:14if you hold it this end,
25:15If you hold it this end, shove everything down that end,
25:18fold it over...
25:19Hey, Presto, it's a workable sandwich!
25:21Careful, Tim. That's dad's skills, huh?
25:24Dad's skills?
25:24Yeah.
25:25Hey, Emmy, you cheered up yet?
25:27Way off.
25:28Oh, come on. Dad's skills.
25:30You'll be needing those when Jenny has your baby, Tim.
25:33No more snaps for Dee.
25:36My baby.
25:37As if.
25:38Wait. Jenny's baby is Tony's?
25:41You're a homosexual sperm donator for lesbians.
25:46Is that your job?
25:47You wish, mate.
25:48Sperm donator? No, no, I'm an art teacher.
25:52Those are very different things in this country.
25:54Very different.
25:56No, no, no, no. You have misunderstood.
25:58They're not lesbians or homosexuals.
26:01Brenda is married to Tony, and Jenny is getting married to Tim.
26:04Such a snitch.
26:07But why would you tell us you were gay?
26:09Now, I can explain.
26:13By which I mean Jenny will explain.
26:21We're not gay, not even a bit.
26:22These shoes are actually making me want to cry.
26:24Is this a cultural thing?
26:27Dreadful British humour?
26:29I just wanted to be friends with you.
26:33So you pretended to be gay?
26:35What's the matter with you people?
26:41They can't help it.
26:43They're English.
26:44Welsh.
26:48Maybe I could lighten the mood.
26:52If I did the washing up.
26:53You do do the washing up in the nancy, won't you?
27:00That's sweet.
27:01Oh dear.
27:04And with that, things were almost back to normal.
27:07You know I muck things up.
27:09Let's be honest.
27:10They were a bit weird.
27:11I mean, who doesn't put a top on a sandwich?
27:13Yeah, and that pickled herring has really stayed with me.
27:16Bumped it to David earlier.
27:18It's already left him.
27:20Missed a bit, Tony?
27:21Did he really make that?
27:23I did, yeah.
27:24Of course he didn't.
27:25Just you.
27:27Right.
27:27There you go.
27:28One cot.
27:30Give it a go.
27:41Oh, it looks like you, Tim.
27:45Emma!
27:45Everything's going to be all right.
27:50Look.
27:52I love him so much, he's given me indigestion.
27:57John Travolta?
27:58He's not married, is he?
28:00John Travolta, eh?
28:01Let's have a look.
28:02Hope has returned to Jessup Square.
28:06Yeah, you're better off loving this one.
28:09He'll never get married.
28:13Cheered up now?
28:15Yeah.
28:16I think I am.
28:18Last dad's skills done.
28:20Beer.
28:23Cheers.
28:23Cheers.
28:23Another stellar line-up joining Graham Norton tonight after the news, and he'll be along to reveal
28:33who in just a moment here on BBC One.
28:36While over on BBC Two now, the letter M for a brand-new series of QI, with guests Lucy Porter,
28:41Ross Noble, Ross Noble and Matt Lewis.
28:43And I just gotta tell her that I love her endlessly, because...
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