- 1 day ago
An exaggerated comedy documentary about Warrick Davies, also appearances from Ricky Gervais and Steven Merchant
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FunTranscript
00:00My name is Warwick Davis.
00:29I'm the UK's go-to dwarf.
00:34I'm an actor. You will have seen him in the Harry Potter films,
00:38Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, Return of the Jedi.
00:42That's Wicked the Ewok there. That's my first ever character.
00:46I'm still very good friends with George Lucas, who created the Star Wars films.
00:50Although, if I've got one criticism of George, it's that he missed a trick.
00:54Why did he disguise my face?
00:56If you're paying good money for the actor Warwick Davis, then let the people see the actor Warwick Davis.
01:02George realised the error of his ways because he then went on to cast me in Willow there.
01:07The film cost, I think it was $40 million, and has made a lot of that back since.
01:21Hello, Dwarfs Ohio. Warwick Davis speaking.
01:23I am not only an actor.
01:25Yeah.
01:26It's a good at booking for.
01:27I'm also an agent, and I represent other dwarfs.
01:30You know, I've had huge success, and this is my chance to pay that forward and help them get work.
01:37The director's furious who wants to find you.
01:40It's not my fault. I know the song.
01:41You're a dwarf. How can you not know hi-ho, hi-ho?
01:44There's something about whistling. You don't know Whistle while you work.
01:46I've never heard it before.
01:47How is this possible?
01:48I don't know.
01:49There's one of my clients there.
01:51So if you need anybody, I've got all sorts.
01:54I've got that sort of look.
01:56That one, one that looks like that.
01:59Some one that looks like that, you know, with a hat on.
02:02Some with long hair.
02:03There's all sorts of different ones.
02:04I mean, they're all about that high.
02:06But they've sort of got different fat, thin, you know, whatever you want.
02:12I can provide.
02:23Why am I doing this documentary?
02:24Because normally you see a dwarf on TV and he's dancing around.
02:28He's making a fool of himself.
02:30I want people to see a sophisticated dwarf about town
02:33who carries himself with dignity.
02:36I'm a role model.
02:38I'm a bit like Martin Luther King.
02:42Because I too have a dream that one day dwarves will be treated equally.
02:47And they will walk proud, hand in hand with the rest of mankind.
02:51He's saying, oh, no worry, it's not the same.
02:53The dwarf wasn't taken forcibly from his homeland and enslaved and whipped
02:57and forced to change his name.
02:59No, maybe not.
03:00But then I've never seen a black man fired from a cannon.
03:03Every day for a whole season and twice on Saturdays.
03:07There we go.
03:09Come in.
03:13The old homestead.
03:14Yeah.
03:18Don't worry, they're not mine.
03:21Who's this handsome devil?
03:22Nice suit there.
03:24It's me and my wife Sue on our wedding day.
03:27Sue's looking lovely there.
03:28The dress she's wearing actually belonged to her mother.
03:31Her mother had sadly passed over.
03:32So it was our way of having at the wedding, which was nice.
03:36Sue had to lose a lot of weight to get it on.
03:39Not as much as I would have liked, but enough to squeeze into a dead mum's dress.
03:43This is my kitchen.
03:46Cooker, sink, usual.
03:48I was going to get all this lowered, but Sue enjoys doing the cooking,
03:51so I thought I'd leave it.
03:53Good.
03:55Here we are, look.
03:56This is Chewbacca.
03:57H-U-E.
04:00A bit camera shy.
04:02It's very good.
04:03Oh, here she is.
04:04Sue Davis, Mrs Sue Davis, the old woman Shane.
04:07Hiya.
04:08Hello.
04:09You all right?
04:10I'm fine.
04:11Nice to see you.
04:12What are you doing here, Ward?
04:13Yeah, I just popped round to say hi.
04:14Okay.
04:15You know you're not supposed to be here.
04:16You're supposed to have moved out or separated.
04:18No, not really.
04:19Oh, yeah.
04:20Temporarily.
04:21You can't keep coming back round, Warwick.
04:22You know, you were the one that walked out.
04:24No, not really, not really.
04:25You did.
04:26No, I didn't walk out.
04:27No, I was back and forth to Hollywood so much.
04:28You know, it just wasn't fair on you, was it?
04:30You weren't back and forth to Hollywood.
04:31Yes.
04:32No, you weren't, Warwick.
04:33The phone hasn't run for years.
04:34Yeah, but if it had started ringing, you know, if George Lucas had called up and said
04:37we're doing another Star Wars, then, you know, I had to be ready to go on a plane.
04:41Only word.
04:42If that had happened, if it had happened, I could have come with you.
04:45No, not really.
04:46Because, you know, George Lucas, he's not stupid.
04:47He doesn't throw his money around.
04:48What do you need two tickets for?
04:49You're only three foot six.
04:50Tell you what happened.
04:51Oh, what?
04:52What happened was he thought.
04:53Oh, here we go.
04:54What did I think?
04:55Mystic Meg here.
04:56What he thought was, he thought he could do better than me.
04:58He thought he could trade me in for maybe a more tall and more beautiful model, but he couldn't.
05:03No, no.
05:04I didn't want to.
05:05No, you couldn't.
05:06No, I could.
05:07Of course I could.
05:08Just didn't want to, because I'm, you know, faithful.
05:09Now he's back with his tail between his legs, but it's too late.
05:11No, it doesn't have to be.
05:12It's over, you know.
05:13I've moved on.
05:14Well, you haven't bloody moved on, have you?
05:15You're still in a house that I own, so, you know, I might as well move back in.
05:18Do you know what you need to do, Warren?
05:19You need to get your stuff and move out.
05:21That's the thing, because we're separated.
05:23We are getting divorced.
05:25I don't know what part of that you're not understanding.
05:28Calm down.
05:29She's showing off.
05:30Yes, sir.
05:32I know what you're thinking.
05:34Warren, why did you marry Beneath Yourself?
05:36Why would a film star marry her when he could have had the leggy blondes or the page tree girls?
05:41Didn't want to.
05:42If I'm walking down the street with a stunner on my arm, you know, everyone's going,
05:46Oh, yeah, he's got the sexy bird because he's a film star.
05:49Right?
05:50So I went for a chick who hasn't got it all out on show.
05:53Yeah, she's not going to be in FHM magazine.
05:55She's not going to win any Rear of the Year awards
05:57or turn heads at an awards door or a showbiz party or in the supermarket,
06:01but she's reliable.
06:03She's not going to be running off to the papers,
06:04Oh, do you know what Warwick likes, actually?
06:06He likes...
06:07It doesn't matter what Warwick likes, actually.
06:09But whatever it is, she's not going to write about it in her memoirs.
06:12Not that anyone would ask her for her memoirs,
06:14because she's a nobody, as I said before.
06:17I can't reach.
06:29Oh, excuse me.
06:30It's all right, sir.
06:31Excuse me.
06:32Could you just press that top buzzer for me, please?
06:34It's the top one there.
06:35Yeah.
06:36Thanks.
06:37Hello?
06:38It's Warwick.
06:39Hello?
06:40It's Warwick.
06:41There's no one there.
06:42Can't hear me.
06:43Excuse me.
06:44Hi, sir.
06:45Excuse me.
06:46Could you just press that top buzzer for me, please?
06:48It's the top one there.
06:49Yeah.
06:50Thanks.
06:51Hello?
06:52It's Warwick.
06:53Hello?
06:54It's Warwick.
06:55Hello?
06:56It's Warwick.
06:57Hello?
06:58It's Warwick.
06:59There's no one there.
07:00Can't hear me.
07:02Excuse me.
07:03Hi, sir.
07:04Can't hear me.
07:05Excuse me.
07:06Hi.
07:07Could you just say to that intercom, it's Warwick Davis?
07:11Why?
07:12Because it is.
07:13No, it's not.
07:14No, you're not.
07:15I am.
07:16Then why am I saying it?
07:17Because when they answer, they can't hear me.
07:19Why can't you just shout it?
07:20I'll stand here in the street and start shouting, it's Warwick Davis.
07:23Why not?
07:24I'm a famous actor.
07:25I've been in films.
07:26I've never heard of you.
07:27Haven't you?
07:28No.
07:29If I heard someone shouting, it's Warwick Davis.
07:30I'll be like, he's Warwick Davis.
07:32I am.
07:33Yeah, I know that now.
07:34Yeah, all right.
07:35Let me tell you this.
07:36If I start shouting, it's Warwick Davis, it'll cause quite a stir.
07:39Oh, my gosh.
07:40There'll be people wanting autographs.
07:41So, let's just...
07:42On the real, real talk, let me break it down for you, yeah?
07:45No one knows you.
07:46If you were to say, like, your name was, like, Verne Troyer, I'd be like, boom, mini-me,
07:50Austin Powers, sex tape.
07:52That guy's big in the game, you know?
07:54Oh, yeah.
07:55You've done none of those things.
07:56Like, I've never seen you, bruv.
07:58What films you been in?
07:59Have you seen Return of the Jedi?
08:01Who was you in that?
08:02It was an Ewok.
08:03Those little bears.
08:04Not little bears.
08:05Bruv.
08:06They're little bears.
08:07Right.
08:08Have you seen Willow?
08:09No.
08:10Just press the buzzer, please.
08:14Top one there.
08:15Hello?
08:16Yo.
08:17Warren Davis.
08:18Warwick Davis.
08:19Warwick Davis.
08:20Warwick Davis.
08:21Oh.
08:22Okay.
08:23Come up.
08:24Is that Ricky Javis?
08:25Oh, you recognise him?
08:26You guys got issues.
08:27You're welcome, bruv.
08:28Steve.
08:29Yeah.
08:30Look at that.
08:31Comedy legends there.
08:32Ricky Javis, Steven Merchant.
08:33You're all mates, aren't we?
08:34Always popping round for a chat.
08:35You are always popping round for a chat.
08:36You are always popping round, yeah.
08:37I thought we made the buzzer high enough, but clearly.
08:38Now I've got to pass it by to press it.
08:39Pass it by down.
08:40We didn't think of everything.
08:41You know, always nice to see you.
08:42Yeah, no, it is.
08:43It's good.
08:44What do you need, though?
08:45Because we're just a bit conscious of it.
08:46Oh, I don't know.
08:47Just a chat, really.
08:48Oh, okay.
08:49Oh, you know what?
08:50You've got to be resilient in this business.
08:52When the phone doesn't stop ringing, great.
08:53You know, you can be choosy, but you can be choosy.
08:55When the phone's not ringing, then it's at times like this when you find out how your
09:18friends are and you call in a few favours.
09:21Now I'm good friends with Ricky Gervais and Stephen Merchant, and when you're friends
09:25with writers, directors, producers like they are, then what's wrong with saying,
09:29all right, chaps, you know, what's going on?
09:31Have you got any work for me?
09:33I don't know where to turn, to be honest.
09:35Yeah.
09:36There's no work coming in either at the minute.
09:37Okay.
09:38Are you doing any more extras, perhaps?
09:40I mean, maybe we could...
09:41No.
09:42No?
09:43What else are you working on then at the minute?
09:44Just other TV and film and, you know, so...
09:47Any actors required, perhaps?
09:50Actors.
09:51Do you need actors?
09:53We will need actors for the, um...
09:55At some point, but not necessarily...
09:57Not...
09:58No.
09:59If we do, though, I mean...
10:00You're the guy.
10:01Yeah.
10:02Because you were brilliant in the office.
10:03Extras.
10:04Extras.
10:05Yeah, whatever.
10:06We did have someone like that in the office, though.
10:08Wheelchair.
10:09We had a wheelchair one saying ballpark.
10:10Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
10:11Yeah.
10:12But, um, no.
10:13Okay, well...
10:14Remember me when you're writing.
10:15Definitely.
10:16Okay.
10:17Oh, yeah.
10:18Oh, yeah, you know, um, I mentioned that things weren't so good between myself and my wife.
10:23Um, well, yeah, recently it's took a turn for the worse, I'm afraid.
10:26She's looking to go through with a divorce now.
10:28I don't know what went wrong.
10:30Always delivered in the bedroom department, I think.
10:33You know?
10:34Um...
10:35Nice.
10:36You know, I...
10:37Several times a week, which is unusual, I think.
10:39You know, this far into marriage, what was it?
10:41Ten years, almost.
10:42Yeah, but, um...
10:44Always had a good go.
10:45Oh.
10:46That's...
10:47That's the main thing, isn't it?
10:49I want to tell you this, Ricky.
10:51I always took care of Ernie at first, before we moved on to mine.
10:54You know?
10:55You know?
10:56I could tell you some of the things we did.
10:58No.
10:59No point.
11:00It's sad.
11:01It's, um...
11:02I'll take your word for it.
11:04All a bit sad, really.
11:05Yep.
11:06Right.
11:07Um...
11:08Good to see you, Josh.
11:09Cheers!
11:10All right.
11:11Cheers.
11:12Thanks for coming.
11:13See you soon.
11:14Okay.
11:15Oh, just one more thing.
11:16Go on.
11:17Um...
11:18Just getting back to the divorce situation.
11:20I just wonder if...
11:21Have you got any advice?
11:23Um, well...
11:24My advice would be, ask Steve, because he's great at that sort of...
11:28thing.
11:31About what?
11:32Just the divorce, I don't know.
11:34The divorce, yeah.
11:35You know, I'm just...
11:36It's all new to me, so I don't know what to...
11:38My advice would probably be just to, um...
11:41Do whatever you think is the right thing to do in this situation.
11:44What good advice that is.
11:46Do whatever?
11:47Yeah.
11:48You agree with that?
11:49If she says so, yeah.
11:50Just...
11:51Do whatever.
11:52Okay.
11:53Yeah.
11:54All right, chaps.
11:55Cheers.
11:56Bye.
11:57Do whatever.
11:58What do I know?
11:59I didn't even realise he was married.
12:01Oh, God.
12:06Uh...
12:07Well, that went well.
12:08It's always good to get their perspective on things.
12:10And, uh...
12:11You know, now I'm in their minds for any future...
12:13It's Sean.
12:16Sean Williamson.
12:17From Extras.
12:18Hello.
12:19What are you doing here, then?
12:20Oh, just seeing the boys about a few things.
12:22Oh, so they are doing more Extras, aren't they?
12:24I don't know.
12:25I'm just returning their dry cleaning.
12:27No.
12:28Doing a few errands for them, you know?
12:29Yeah.
12:30It's all cashing.
12:31It's, you know, it just keeps me busy.
12:33It gets me out of the house.
12:34So, um...
12:35Work's dried up a bit since Extras, to be honest.
12:37Yeah, same here.
12:38Yeah.
12:39What is this, then?
12:40Documentary.
12:41What about?
12:42About me, yeah.
12:44That's good exposure for you.
12:45Yeah, that's what I thought, so.
12:46Yeah, it's all good.
12:47See you later.
12:48Yeah, see you later, yeah.
12:49Yeah.
12:50Hello.
12:51Right, uh...
12:52What was I saying?
12:53Oh, hi.
12:54You've come up.
12:55Yeah, now I'm in their minds for any future work and stuff,
12:57cos they're always writing and, er...
12:59and producing stuff, so they're the people that know.
13:18Cheryl Wilkins.
13:20She, um...
13:22Bit of background on me before we start.
13:24I'm an entrepreneur,
13:26and, er, hoping to expand my operation here.
13:29Er, it's partly why I need new staff.
13:31Also, my wife used to work here,
13:34but, er, she's currently going through a divorce situation with me,
13:39so, um...
13:41So, need a new secretary, which could be you.
13:44I'm looking at your CV, er, and I see not a lot of experience.
13:49No.
13:50No, that will mean I can't pay you a lot, initially.
13:52That's fine.
13:53My mum just wants me out the house.
13:54She said I can live rent-free as long as I don't come home till six every night.
13:58Right.
13:59What are your interests?
14:00You know, what...
14:01Tell me a bit about Cheryl.
14:02Do you have a pet?
14:03I've got two pets that are related to each other.
14:06They're dogs.
14:07Ah.
14:08But we sort of call them different things, like...
14:13They've got names.
14:15Yeah, obviously, I mean, but they're dogs.
14:18And you've given them names, which is not unusual, I don't think you'll find.
14:24It's just...
14:25OK, what are your hopes for the future?
14:28Sales and marketing.
14:30And that's it?
14:31That's your dream?
14:32No.
14:33My dream is to sort of establish that people that go to the moon are actually going to the moon and they're not just pretending.
14:41I've got a few more people to see.
14:44Actually, there's no-one else to see.
14:46You're hired.
14:47Yeah, we do have people that do leprechauns, yeah.
15:00How many are you looking for?
15:02Just because you're restricted in height does not mean you're restricted in talent.
15:05I wouldn't go to seven, right?
15:07Because seven tends to make people think dwarves.
15:09You know, if there's supposed to be leprechauns, I'd go with either six or eight.
15:12There's loads of little people with immense talent.
15:15And that's what I'm trying to show the world.
15:18Ebony and ivory
15:23Live together in perfect harmony
15:30Can I be honest?
15:32Awful, obviously.
15:34That's the least of our worries.
15:35A lot of boxes being ticked here.
15:37We've got dwarves blacking up and, you know, I may be wrong, but I don't think you're allowed to do that anymore.
15:42Maybe in the north.
15:43So we've got dwarves blacking up singing ebony and ivory.
15:46It's just a very mixed message.
15:48And I'm a lesbian.
15:49I didn't even know one of you was a girl.
15:51So here we are at the offices of my accountant, Eric.
15:54Biddle.
15:55Mr. Biddle.
15:56Yeah, he's not only my accountant, he's a friend as well.
15:59Yeah, yeah.
16:00We go way back, don't we?
16:01Long way, yeah.
16:02Years and years and years, isn't it?
16:03Yeah.
16:04Smells a bit iffy in here today.
16:05It's like something rotting.
16:06You know that sort of smell of...
16:07Is it that?
16:08Oh, what is it?
16:09It's a chicken I don't love you.
16:10When?
16:11About a week ago.
16:12Well, they didn't empty the bloody bin.
16:13It's not my job to empty the bin, so I'm an accountant, not a bloody cleaner.
16:17Right, have you spoken to the England Revenue?
16:18What's the latest situation?
16:19Yes.
16:20They are not pressing charges.
16:21They don't think it's fraudulent.
16:22I've convinced them that you really didn't know what you were doing.
16:23It's you who didn't know what he was doing.
16:24You're my accountant, right?
16:25You're the one that's supposed to be in here today.
16:26What's the chicken in here today?
16:27It's like something rotting.
16:28You know that sort of smell of...
16:29Is it that?
16:30Oh, what is it?
16:31It's a chicken I don't love you.
16:32When?
16:33A week ago.
16:34Well, they didn't empty the bloody bin.
16:35It's not my job to empty the bin, so I'm an accountant, not a bloody cleaner.
16:40Right.
16:41Have you spoken to the England Revenue?
16:42What's the latest situation?
16:47supposed to tell me if I owe tax. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know, but...
16:50OK, well, the original figure they were saying I owed was £250,000. Where are we at now?
16:54Well, I was cheeky. I said he won't do it again. It was a bit of back and forth.
16:57And the figure I arrived at was £50,000.
17:01£50,000? That's great.
17:02Wait, no. They said no to that very definite no.
17:06So what was the figure you agreed on?
17:10£250,000.
17:11Well, that's what they wanted to start with.
17:12Yeah, yeah, but, you know...
17:13That's not negotiating, Eric. You've just agreed with them.
17:15Yes, yes, yeah, well, all right, but, you know, they are the tax people.
17:18They do know what they're talking about.
17:19They understand your account's better than me, to be honest,
17:21and I'm not going to argue with them.
17:22You're supposed to argue with them. That's what the accountants...
17:25Well, I'm going to piss off the Inland Revenue.
17:26I've got other clients to think about, better clients.
17:28I don't want to be tired by your bloody mistakes.
17:30That you made?
17:31Yeah, exactly.
17:32I've known Eric for about 25 years now.
17:35He wanted to be a top accountant. I wanted to be a Hollywood star.
17:39I have to earn £250,000 by January.
17:42More, actually.
17:43Because you have to pay 40% tax on what you earn, so...
17:47I never realised back then, though, what a poor accountant would become.
17:53Hang on, I'm confused. Sorry.
17:55Am I being fit?
17:55No, no, no, no, no.
17:56It is confusing.
17:57Tax and percentages and everything.
17:59I'm always getting stuff wrong.
18:00I'll get letters.
18:01And the smell in here makes it hard to concentrate, to be honest.
18:05He really is shit at it.
18:06How much do I need to earn?
18:08Let's have a look.
18:10£250,000.
18:12Times...
18:13Times...
18:13Oh, does this do percentages?
18:17Should do.
18:18Where is it?
18:18Ah, there.
18:19Now, do I press times percentage?
18:22If he wasn't a mate, I'd have fired him 24 years ago.
18:24£250,000.
18:25He is a mate, and I can't fire him.
18:29It's 0.4 the same.
18:30Isn't that like saying 40% or something?
18:32In fact, he's more like a stray dog than a mate,
18:34because I've been feeding him for so long,
18:37you know, I can't stop now.
18:39Because if I do, I know he'll just sit outside,
18:42waiting, and starve to death.
18:46Pounds.
18:47Then pay the tax on the ballot.
18:49Pay off the £250,000,
18:52and you'll be left with £20,000.
18:59And I'll have £20,000?
19:01I could live on that.
19:02It's not so bad.
19:03Hang on.
19:04Didn't high-rate tax go up from 40% to 50% in the UK recently?
19:14Gee, oh...
19:15Oh...
19:17Can I ask you something, Warren?
19:29Yeah.
19:30How do you keep getting into this office?
19:33The great thing about being friends with influential people
19:36is that through them, you get to meet other influential people.
19:40I mean, if either of you or both could come along,
19:43it'd be really helping.
19:44I can't.
19:45That's how this business operates.
19:46It's all about networking.
19:48You'd really enjoy it, I promise.
19:49I wouldn't, Warren.
19:50Trust me.
19:50Warren, you've got to go.
19:51Sorry.
19:52Hello.
19:53This is Liam Mason.
19:54Come in.
19:55I've worked with him.
19:55Okay, but you've got to go, though.
19:58Sorry, guys.
20:00I could just...
20:01There he is.
20:02Hello.
20:03Hi.
20:04That's Warren.
20:05He's just going there.
20:05Oh, yeah.
20:06Yeah, we actually were together on Star Wars The Phantom Menace.
20:08Oh, yeah?
20:09Yeah, we had a scene together.
20:10It was cut there.
20:11Do you remember?
20:11Okay.
20:13Thanks for seeing me.
20:14I'm here because I'm thinking of...
20:16I'm thinking of doing some comedy.
20:19Oh, like a comedy movie?
20:21No, on stage.
20:22Stand-up comedy.
20:23Live comedy of some kind.
20:26Wow.
20:28I'm a funny guy, aren't I?
20:32I'm funny, right?
20:34Yeah, definitely.
20:37Here's some of the stuff I'd like to work on.
20:41Improv.
20:42Stand-up comedy.
20:44Funny monologues.
20:45Crazy characters.
20:46Sketches.
20:48Slapstick.
20:49Anecdotes.
20:50Parody.
20:51Yeah?
20:52Yeah.
20:53There you go.
20:54You notice this list, huh?
20:55I'm always making lists.
20:56All right.
20:58In fact, that's probably why Steven Spielberg cast me as Oscar Schindler, Schindler's List.
21:04I said, Steven, I make lists all the time.
21:08And he said, that's exactly what I'm looking for.
21:13But what's funny?
21:15Sorry, I think you were joking about getting the part of Oscar Schindler because you made lists.
21:19No.
21:20As an actor, you need stuff to draw on.
21:23And I drew on that.
21:24Okay.
21:25Wow.
21:27Okay, let's do some improvisational comedy.
21:30I can't now, Liam.
21:32It's a bad time.
21:32Let's do some improvisational comedy.
21:35No.
21:38Okay.
21:38Give us a scenario.
21:40Right.
21:41Right.
21:42Okay.
21:43You're a hypochondria and Ricky's a doctor.
21:47Excellent.
21:49Okay.
21:49Knock, knock.
21:55Come in.
21:55Hello.
21:56Oh, no.
21:57Not you again.
21:59I've never been here before.
22:02Sorry.
22:02I thought because you're a hypochondriac, you would have been to the doctors before.
22:06Don't presume.
22:06And that's a backstory we didn't agree on beforehand.
22:10No, I know.
22:12That's improv, though, isn't it?
22:14You sort of go with the flow.
22:15I don't take notes.
22:16Okay.
22:17Can we go again?
22:18Yeah.
22:18Because you've ruined that.
22:19Sorry.
22:22Knock, knock.
22:22Come in.
22:23Hey.
22:23Hi.
22:24How's it going?
22:24What seems to be the problem?
22:26I've kind of neglected AIDS.
22:31How did you get that?
22:32From an African prostitute.
22:37I'm riddled with it.
22:39The prostitute's from an African country that's ravaged my starvation, so...
22:47Selling her body was the only financial recourse she had left.
22:51Do you mind if I interject for a second, sir?
22:53I just think it's getting quite heavy, this sketch, and I just wonder if, perhaps, just
22:57for the sake of comedy, you might not want to have contracted AIDS from an African prostitute.
23:01Just...
23:02Uh-huh.
23:03Okay.
23:05Right.
23:07Knock, knock.
23:08Come in.
23:09Hi.
23:10Hi.
23:10What seems to be the problem?
23:11As I said before, I've got full-blown AIDS.
23:14Right.
23:15Do you want to know how I got it?
23:16Sure.
23:17I'm a well-known homosexual actor.
23:19Wow.
23:20Okay.
23:21It was.
23:22I wouldn't say the name, just because of the...
23:25I got it from a non-specific actor.
23:27Does he know he has AIDS?
23:28Who?
23:30Again, I just wouldn't name them.
23:32And also, I just think AIDS is, as I said before, just a really heavy subject for comedy.
23:38Ah, okay.
23:40Mm-hmm.
23:41I've got a battle cancer.
23:43Yeah.
23:44Cancer, though, and AIDS and famine are just not really subjects for comedy.
23:49Well, how does he get away with it now?
23:51We don't know.
23:52Well, we shouldn't have a doctor in the skates if I can't talk about AIDS.
23:55Okay.
23:56Okay.
23:57What are you suggesting?
23:58Oh, um...
23:59You're a greengrocer, and Ricky comes in to complain.
24:04I've played Rob Roy McGregor, Michael Collins, Oscar Schindler, Zeus, for God's sake.
24:08No one's going to believe me as a greengrocer.
24:10We could change your accent.
24:12Lots of accents do that.
24:12Well, he doesn't.
24:13How does he get away with it?
24:14Again, we don't know.
24:16Let's just do our own accents and get this done, shall we?
24:19Okay.
24:20Greengrocer.
24:22Tring.
24:23We're closed.
24:24I think the shop has to be opened for us to do the sketch.
24:27Okay.
24:27Okay.
24:28Sorry.
24:30Tring.
24:31Yes?
24:31Um, I'd like to make a complaint.
24:33Ah.
24:34Yeah, I bought some fruit here yesterday, and when I got home, some of it was rotten.
24:38That's not my fault.
24:39Well, you know, it's your shop, and it was sold on your premises, so...
24:44Uh-uh.
24:44I wasn't here.
24:45It doesn't matter, you know, you've got to...
24:47I was at the doctor's.
24:47Okay.
24:48I've got AIDS.
24:50Thought you might have.
24:52Yep, that's it.
24:53That's really good.
24:54Yeah, now I...
24:55That's gonna...
24:55You're gonna storm it, boy.
24:57Okay, brilliant.
24:58Good luck with that.
24:59Well done.
25:00Don't forget your little list.
25:02Yeah.
25:02You're off as well, aren't you, Warren?
25:05Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
25:06Yep.
25:06Okay, see you, guys.
25:08All good.
25:08All right.
25:10Cheers.
25:18Everything that happens happens for a reason.
25:27Some things are sent to test you.
25:29I'm not the sort of bloke who lives in the past, who goes,
25:32Oh, I wish it was still the 1980s.
25:34Those were the glory days.
25:35I was doing Willow, Return of the Jedi.
25:38Work was rolling in.
25:40I'm not like that.
25:41I'm gonna list all the positives.
25:44Not destitute.
25:45Not a drug addict.
25:49Not riddled with AIDS.
25:53And there was a chance of catching that in the 80s.
25:57From a woman.
25:58If I'd have caught it from anyone, it would have been a woman.
26:02But, to be honest, I wasn't really shagging in the 80s.
26:06In the 90s, I dipped my wick a few times.
26:10So, watch this space.
26:12There'll be plenty more wick dipping to come.
26:15In women, it's one of my totally clear.
26:21Not a homosexual.
26:26So, where are you staying?
26:29There's probably a guest house.
26:31You got everything?
26:33Yeah.
26:34You got your special shampoo?
26:35Yes.
26:36Don't worry.
26:37It's always cleared up, anyways.
26:40Okay.
26:41Well, bye.
26:42See ya.
26:43See ya.
26:45Lovely day.
26:59Do you want to go into the toilet with me?
27:02You're getting all this!
27:03You fuck off!
27:04Would you be guest of honour at our wedding?
27:07Do you believe in aliens?
27:09Be grateful the phone isn't ringing, because it might be Sting.
27:11Is your name Gordon?
27:13You're a disgusting little creature and I want to squash you.
27:17You can't afford us today, so I'm his accountant.
27:21Give me a kiss.
27:22I'll just change the locks.
27:24I'll just change the back door, too.
27:25I'll just change the locks.
27:29I'll just change the back door, too.
27:30What were you thinking?
27:31I was thinking, you know, I've put over £400,000 into this house and the dog, bless it, has contributed
27:50very little to the mortgage yet, can come and go as it pleases and I thought, I'll have a bit of that.
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