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Short filmTranscript
00:00MUSIC
00:09Good evening. Welcome to What I Lied To You,
00:12the show with tall tales and tantalising truths.
00:15On Lee Mack's team tonight, from Coronation Street to the post office,
00:19it's the wonderful Julie Hesmanhoush.
00:22CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
00:25And she's a DJ, a presenter, a filmmaker, it's Yinka Bikini.
00:30CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
00:34And on David Mitchell's team tonight, will she be the last one laughing?
00:39It's comedian Harriet Kemsley.
00:41CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
00:44And stand-up for strictly champion Chris McCausland.
00:49LAUGHTER
00:53So, to round one, home truths where our panellists read out a statement
00:57from the card in front of them.
00:59To make things harder, they've never seen the card before,
01:02so they've no idea what they'll be faced with.
01:04It's up to the opposing team to sort the fact from the fiction.
01:07Julie, you're first up tonight.
01:10LAUGHTER
01:12David, what was the project? What was the role?
01:15So, it was a Channel 5 drama, comedy-drama,
01:20called Fatty and Thinny.
01:23LAUGHTER
01:26It was very good, actually. It was a very good script.
01:28And the premise of it was...
01:30It sounds quite sophisticated.
01:32LAUGHTER
01:33The premise was a sort of seaside postcard kind of couple,
01:36and so she was a sort of, like, big lady,
01:38and he was a tiny, little skinny man.
01:40What did you do to put on the weight?
01:42Well, it was amazing.
01:43It was the most wonderful few weeks of my life.
01:47LAUGHTER
01:48I just ate whatever I wanted, and I have an insatiable appetite.
01:52Ice cream?
01:53Ice cream.
01:54Bread.
01:55Donuts, bread.
01:56Bread till it was coming out my ears.
01:58Are you learning your lines at this stage?
02:00Erm...
02:01She's eating them!
02:02LAUGHTER
02:03Whatever happened to Fatty and Thinny?
02:05Well, the project just went under, as it sometimes does.
02:08Chris McCausland, what do you think?
02:10I'm inclined to believe this.
02:12Erm...
02:13Because?
02:14Fatty and Thinny, she came up with that quite quick.
02:16Yes, she did come up with Fatty and Thinny quite quickly,
02:19but the card said she had to put on weight for a roll,
02:22and what she came up with quickly was the roll of Fatty.
02:27And, in a sense, I mean, I'm not saying it isn't impressive,
02:31but it's a believable level of invention.
02:34Yeah.
02:35I think it's a lie.
02:37What do you think, Dave?
02:38Well, I think it's a lie.
02:40I must say, I love the way that Chris just referred to you as Dave.
02:43Oh.
02:44Oh!
02:45Because you're not a Dave, are you?
02:47Oh, I don't often get called Dave, but I don't mind.
02:49No, we can see why.
02:50No!
02:51LAUGHTER
02:53No, because, because...
02:55You look, Chris, if you could see me, you'd never call me Dave.
02:58LAUGHTER
03:00Because I've got the word David tattooed over my face.
03:04LAUGHTER
03:06They think it's a lie.
03:08Was it a lie or were you telling the truth?
03:11It's a lie.
03:12LAUGHTER
03:13APPLAUSE
03:15It's a lie.
03:16Julie didn't put on two stone for an acting role.
03:21Chris, you're next.
03:22OK.
03:23There you go.
03:24OK.
03:25Cheers.
03:26On a recent visit to the Liverpool team's training ground,
03:30I went in goal and saved a penalty from Mo Salah.
03:35LAUGHTER
03:37Do you know what?
03:38It's more ludicrous that you would do that, David.
03:41LAUGHTER
03:43We all know who Mo Salah is, right?
03:45Yes.
03:46Yes.
03:47Right.
03:48I don't.
03:49Well, he's a footballer for Liverpool.
03:50A very good footballer for Liverpool.
03:52In fact, so good...
03:53Yeah.
03:54..I would fancy his chances of scoring a penalty against anybody
03:59and Chris has saved it.
04:01LAUGHTER
04:02So, Chris, I know you want David to carry on with this,
04:04but you're going to have to take over now.
04:06LAUGHTER
04:08So, what were you doing at...
04:09Was it at Attenfield, did you say?
04:11No, it was at training.
04:12They've got, like, a charity foundation.
04:14And, you know, obviously, being somebody from Liverpool,
04:17Liverpool fan, I was invited along to do some work with them.
04:20So, how did you end up in goal?
04:22Well, because, obviously, it's funny, isn't it?
04:24You know?
04:25LAUGHTER
04:27And, erm, people are like, oh, I might know this,
04:29but I'm a comedian.
04:31LAUGHTER
04:34We just thought it'd be funny if I was in goal
04:37against literally the best player in the world.
04:40Did he give you a clue?
04:41I mean, he hit one down the middle.
04:43And I stayed in the middle.
04:44LAUGHTER
04:46Did he hit you full one in the face?
04:48No, no, no, no, no.
04:50I kind of put my hands up.
04:52But I didn't move.
04:53And you had no clue he was going to do that?
04:55We did a few penalties.
04:56Oh.
04:57What number penalty was this?
04:58648!
04:59LAUGHTER
05:00Day seven!
05:01LAUGHTER
05:02We took five penalties.
05:03One of them, I stayed in the middle.
05:04And, erm, coincidentally, he hit it down the middle,
05:06and I saved it.
05:07And did he score the other four?
05:08Of course he did!
05:09He's Mo Salah!
05:10LAUGHTER
05:11If this is false, that is so funny.
05:13You know everyone said it's so funny that you can't laugh.
05:14LAUGHTER
05:15That's what I tell myself on some gigs.
05:16LAUGHTER
05:17So is he true or he's a really good comedian?
05:19I think it's probably true.
05:20LAUGHTER
05:21Right, Lee, what do you want to say as team captain?
05:22I don't know.
05:23I'm torn here, cos he would definitely, particularly post-strictly,
05:24be invited to...
05:25I don't know.
05:26I'm torn here cos he would definitely, particularly post-strictly,
05:27be invited to...
05:28..to...
05:29Yeah.
05:30..the Liverpool training.
05:31Yeah.
05:32Definitely.
05:33What bit about this aren't you getting, though, Lee?
05:34What's not selling it for you?
05:35Er, the bit the way you said that you saved a penalty against Mo Salah.
05:38LAUGHTER
05:39Come on, then.
05:40Time to go for your decision.
05:41You think it's true?
05:42True.
05:43True.
05:44True.
05:45True.
05:46Go on, we'll go true.
05:47True.
05:48True.
05:49True.
05:50True.
05:51True.
05:52True.
05:53True.
05:54True.
05:55True.
05:56True.
05:57True.
05:58True.
05:59True.
06:00True.
06:01They're saying it's true.
06:02Chris, was it true or was it a lie?
06:03I don't know where my buzzer is.
06:05Wait, wait, wait, we changed our lives!
06:08We changed our lives!
06:09We changed our lives!
06:10We changed our lives!
06:11It's a lie.
06:12Oh, my God!
06:13APPLAUSE
06:14Oh, my God!
06:15Yes, it's a lie!
06:16Chris didn't save a penalty for Mo Salah.
06:19Harriet, you're next.
06:22Ahem.
06:23Ahem.
06:24Ahem.
06:25I once broke up with someone because he wouldn't stop saying,
06:29get in, after accomplishing simple tasks.
06:32LAUGHTER
06:33Please, team.
06:34LAUGHTER
06:36How long were you with him for?
06:38Erm, three months.
06:39When did you notice the get in?
06:41When was the first time you noticed it?
06:42So he screwed up like some rubbish and then he threw it at a rubbish bin and then he went,
06:47GET IN!
06:48And you obviously didn't pick him up on this straight away?
06:49You let him go?
06:50No, at first I was like, oh, that's endearing, you know?
06:52Like, he just really liked saying, get in.
06:53Right.
06:54He said, get in, but he'd already got in.
06:55Sorry, why are you getting involved?
06:56I'm just...
06:57LAUGHTER
06:58He didn't say, get in, as it were, to it, to get in.
06:59It's not like golf where you go, get in the hole.
07:00It's, they do a thing, get in, as in, didn't I do well?
07:02LAUGHTER
07:03LAUGHTER
07:04He didn't say, get in, as it were, to it, to get in.
07:06It's not like golf where you go, get in the hole.
07:08It's, they do a thing, get in, as in, didn't I do well?
07:11It's very annoying, isn't it?
07:13It's got in and then he says, get in.
07:15LAUGHTER
07:16You don't think it'd be more irritating to go, went in?
07:20LAUGHTER
07:21Well, I don't know, but it would make more sense.
07:24Let me ask you, grammatically, did he get it in or did he got it in?
07:28He got it in, but did he got it in is not the right way of saying it.
07:31Precisely, so get in works very well.
07:33I think we should get on with it.
07:35LAUGHTER
07:38Now, Harriet, give us some other examples of things he would do
07:42that would warrant a get in.
07:44Well, like, if he went outside and it wasn't raining,
07:47he'd go like, get in!
07:49Wow.
07:50Even though he's just got out?
07:52LAUGHTER
07:54Maybe it was a genuine, like, a worry for your welfare,
07:57and he was just going, get in.
07:59He did say, like, get in.
08:01Like, if you needed to get in the car, he'd say, get in.
08:03I mean, that's the thing to finish with him for.
08:05If you go into the car and he goes, get in.
08:07LAUGHTER
08:08Then you really need to finish with him.
08:10Especially when he's just opened the boots.
08:13LAUGHTER
08:14What was the final get in that broke your camel's back?
08:20It's a bit upsetting.
08:22Erm, he worried that he'd had an accident.
08:25Erm...
08:26What?
08:27You mean in his pants?
08:28Yeah.
08:29And then he checked and he had no way to get in.
08:32LAUGHTER
08:34Oh, my God!
08:35Why did you finish with him?
08:36He sounds like a real cat!
08:38LAUGHTER
08:43Can I just say, Harriet, this better be true,
08:45cos if it's a lie, what is wrong with you?
08:48LAUGHTER
08:50Talk about taking joy from the sporting delight!
08:55I haven't wet myself!
08:57Get in!
08:58LAUGHTER
09:07No, I can't.
09:08He did it in front of you!
09:09LAUGHTER
09:10All right, it's like something from Jane Austen.
09:14LAUGHTER
09:15But is it true, Julie?
09:17Wow.
09:18Oh, my God, this sounds true to me.
09:20Oh, it's traumatic.
09:21I think he sounds nice.
09:23He's, like, full of joie de vivre.
09:25The thing is, there'll be some wife sat next to him on a sofa,
09:28no idea, and then go...
09:31LAUGHTER
09:34I think it has to be true.
09:36I just feel like you'd date someone like that.
09:38LAUGHTER
09:39Two shoes, what are you going to say, Lee?
09:41Oh, my God.
09:42Anybody else that has said,
09:43no way would you date a man like that.
09:44Harriet, she's dated a man who's looked at his own underpants
09:47and said, get in.
09:48So you're saying it's true.
09:49They think it's true, Harriet.
09:51Is it true or is it just a lie?
09:54It is...
09:55..a lie.
09:56LAUGHTER
09:57APPLAUSE
09:58Very well done.
10:01APPLAUSE
10:03Yes, it's a lie.
10:05Harriet didn't break up with someone who kept saying, get in.
10:09If Lee's team will claim it's them
10:11that has the genuine connection to the guest,
10:13it's up to David's team to spot who's telling the truth.
10:16So please welcome this week's special guest, Jillian.
10:19APPLAUSE
10:28So, Yinka, what is Jillian to you?
10:30This is Jillian.
10:31She once called into my radio show to remind me
10:33that I had a dental appointment.
10:35LAUGHTER
10:36Julie, how do you know Jillian?
10:38This is Jillian when I was on...
10:41LAUGHTER
10:42Now then, Lee, what's your relationship with Jillian?
10:45This is my wellness guru, Jillian.
10:48We once had a ding-dong when she said that I bonged her gong wrong.
10:53LAUGHTER
10:55So there we have it.
10:57David's team, where will you begin?
10:59OK.
11:00He knows that.
11:01LAUGHTER
11:02My number one listener over there, Dave.
11:04LAUGHTER
11:05APPLAUSE
11:07LAUGHTER
11:08Jillian is the receptionist at my dentist.
11:11And, annoyingly, my dental appointments
11:14kept getting scheduled while I was at work.
11:17And I had already missed two.
11:19And she called up Capital Extra because she knows that I work there.
11:22Mm-hm.
11:23And...
11:24..my producer thought it would be funny to put her live on air.
11:26You were expecting callers?
11:28Yeah, we were, like, maybe laughing at...
11:29Let's just say Stormzy's shoes.
11:31LAUGHTER
11:32She means Stormzy's, the singer, shoes.
11:34Yes.
11:35She doesn't mean Stormzy's shoes, like wellies, David.
11:37OK.
11:38LAUGHTER
11:40We said, hello, caller, where you calling from, what's your name?
11:43And then she was like,
11:44it's Jillian from your dentist's office,
11:45you've got a hygiene appointment.
11:47LAUGHTER
11:49And you were literally missing it at that point.
11:51Yeah.
11:52What sort of a presenter are you?
11:54Because we're all a bit different, aren't we?
11:56When you inevitably end up on Classic FM.
12:00No, no, not you, Harriet.
12:02LAUGHTER
12:04I'm talking to Dave.
12:06I asked David once whether he listens to music
12:09and he says, not really, it's just something that happens
12:12around me, like the weather.
12:14LAUGHTER
12:16APPLAUSE
12:19All right, so you have the conversation.
12:22Yeah, so I was like, have I missed my appointment?
12:25And she was like, yeah, it was at nine o'clock.
12:27And I was like, oh, gosh, I'm so sorry, can I re-book it?
12:31And then...
12:32And live on air?
12:33This is on air.
12:34OK.
12:35Why do you keep making appointments for when you are on the radio?
12:38Yes.
12:39Yes.
12:40I'm just really bad at that sort of stuff.
12:41When I was making that appointment, I just said yes.
12:44I was like, yeah, that's fine.
12:45And I wasn't really considering the time.
12:48And then unluckily, it was both at a time you couldn't do
12:51and you never checked when it was.
12:53And that happened twice.
12:54So that very unlikely thing happened twice.
12:58It wasn't very unlikely, it's just what happened.
13:01LAUGHTER
13:04It was very unlikely.
13:06No.
13:07But not impossible.
13:08I think one interesting thing is, Jillian hasn't opened her mouth once.
13:13You do know she's not meant to talk.
13:16It would be a more weird look to go.
13:19LAUGHTER
13:22Oh, she opened her mouth for a second there.
13:24Did you see teeth?
13:26She's got great teeth.
13:27But whether or not she had teeth...
13:29LAUGHTER
13:30Oh, no, no, that would be relevant.
13:32I'm not sure if it would be an acceptable reason
13:35for officially denying employment.
13:37But the dental practice might think it was the wrong look.
13:40LAUGHTER
13:42There's a thing.
13:43Does Jillian look like the kind of person
13:45that would work in a dental surgery day?
13:47She looks like the kind of person
13:48that would have a ding-dong if you bonged her gong wrong.
13:50LAUGHTER
13:52David, who would you like to speak to next?
13:54We'll go with Julie next.
13:56OK.
13:57Julie, just remind us.
13:58Yes, so this is Jillian, and when I was in Corrie,
14:01she walked me to the canteen hundreds of times
14:05because I could never remember my way there.
14:08How far was the canteen from the set?
14:11Well, the set was in a different building to the canteen,
14:14so you'd have to leave Coronation Street through a door,
14:18down a series of very labyrinthine corridors.
14:23Do you have a bad sense of direction?
14:25A very, very bad sense of direction.
14:28That was a wise answer at that point.
14:31LAUGHTER
14:32No, I'm brilliant.
14:33Never have to show me twice.
14:34LAUGHTER
14:35Then someone would say that's canning.
14:38How long was you on Coronation Street for?
14:4016 years.
14:41When did you leave?
14:42Er, 2013.
14:45So what was Jillian's role on the show,
14:47other than showing you to lunch?
14:49Jillian is a make-up artist.
14:52When I first met her, she was a trainee,
14:54and then over my 16 years, she worked away through the ranks.
14:57So you first met her 16 years?
14:59When you first began?
15:00Yes.
15:01Yes.
15:02So 16 add 12.
15:0428 minus her age.
15:08Hang on, what?
15:10LAUGHTER
15:11What you're saying is if it's 16 years before 2013...
15:14If she started in 2013 and then it's 16 years before that,
15:18then this lady is older than she looks.
15:21LAUGHTER
15:23No, that's true, she wasn't there for the whole time.
15:25Can you remember what year Jillian started?
15:29Possibly 2001.
15:31OK, so then we've got...
15:32So we've got...
15:33We've moved the one and then it's 20...
15:35LAUGHTER
15:36Why are you moving the one?
15:38I think it's...
15:39I think it's simpler than you think.
15:41LAUGHTER
15:4224 years ago.
15:4424 years ago.
15:45She'd need to be...
15:46At least 24.
15:47Do you think she's 20?
15:48LAUGHTER
15:49No!
15:50It has to be 24, she's going to be 20.
15:51But then she's a baby.
15:52What?
15:53No, it's still not...
15:54It's still not...
15:55It's still not...
15:56It's still not...
15:57It's still not...
15:58It's still not 20 now!
16:00LAUGHTER
16:01If she was 20 now, she'd be minus four then.
16:03LAUGHTER
16:04Surely, when lunch is called on the Coronation Street set,
16:09aren't lots of you going to lunch?
16:11The thing is, is I had a wig in Coronation Street, so...
16:15No-one recognised you?
16:16No, no, no, no.
16:17LAUGHTER
16:18So I would go to the make-up room and take my wig off.
16:21Just for lunch?
16:22Yeah.
16:23No, no, she'd have a burger for lunch, not the wig.
16:25LAUGHTER
16:26And when I came out, Gillian would be the one intercepting me.
16:30All right, now then, what about Lee?
16:32Yeah, no, that's not true.
16:33LAUGHTER
16:34Sorry.
16:35Lee, remind us of your claim.
16:38Er, this is my wellness guru, Gillian.
16:41And we once got in a ding-dong when she said I bonged her gong-rong.
16:46Why do you consult a wellness guru?
16:51Because this comes at a price.
16:53LAUGHTER
16:55What is the price?
16:57LAUGHTER
17:00The price is going regularly to my wellness guru.
17:04I don't want to know why you consulted a wellness guru
17:07and what the wellness guru did for you.
17:09Well, I've reached a certain age where I thought I'm going to start looking after myself.
17:13Because a few weeks ago, as you know, I hit 40 and I thought it's...
17:17LAUGHTER
17:18Well, you know, it's like, David, you're two years older than me.
17:20And it's time to look after yourself.
17:23I'm not, by the way.
17:24I know I look at and see me and everything, but I'm younger.
17:26So there.
17:27LAUGHTER
17:28Anyway, so, yes, I decided I was going to start looking after myself,
17:32taking care of myself.
17:34What are you doing to take care of yourself?
17:36She does the oils, the grounding.
17:38What's grounding, Lee?
17:39Grounding is when you take your shoes and socks off
17:41and you stand on the grass.
17:43And, er, now I describe it, I am being conned, aren't I?
17:46LAUGHTER
17:47What oils are they?
17:49Lavender.
17:50It's my favourite.
17:51LAUGHTER
17:53I like the... I like the citrus one.
17:55Citrus?
17:56Name one more.
17:57Vegetable.
17:58LAUGHTER
18:00Are these, er, are these solo lessons, Lee?
18:03Or are you...?
18:04No, they're quite high up.
18:05Mmm...
18:06Erm...
18:07No, they're...
18:08Are you in a group of other desperate men?
18:10No.
18:11No.
18:12There's about 40 people in the class, but this particular class is called the gong bath.
18:17Is this like a sound bath?
18:18Correct.
18:19Gillian's the gong banger.
18:20Yeah.
18:21And we are the clients.
18:22And I've always wanted to bang that gong.
18:23Yes.
18:24Because the gong is massive.
18:25So what happened to cause the ding-dong?
18:26Because I said to her, Gillian, is there any possibility that one week I could bang the gong?
18:32And Gillian said, why not?
18:33It was half an hour in.
18:34Everyone was in a very meditative state.
18:35And she gives me the nudge.
18:36And, erm, I'm very precautious, aren't I?
18:37So I...
18:38Precautious?
18:39Yes.
18:40Precautious?
18:41I mean, do you mean just cautious?
18:42I think so.
18:43No, no.
18:44I was walking to her thinking, I'd better be cautious when I get there.
18:45Yeah.
18:46I was pre-cautious.
18:47LAUGHTER
18:48I was pre-cautious.
18:49LAUGHTER
18:50I was pre-cautious.
18:51LAUGHTER
18:52I was pre-cautious.
18:53LAUGHTER
18:54I was pre-cautious.
18:55LAUGHTER
19:02And...
19:04LAUGHTER
19:05I went it up to her, I was in full cautious mode now.
19:08Yes.
19:09This was very much in the present sense cautious.
19:11LAUGHTER
19:12So I've hit it.
19:14BOOM!
19:15I hit it.
19:16Perfectly.
19:17Sweet spot.
19:18Right in the middle.
19:19She's happy.
19:20And I'd give it one of those.
19:21Touch my hand on it, don't I?
19:23LAUGHTER
19:24So it's gone.
19:25BOOM!
19:26LAUGHTER
19:27She's had a right ding-dong.
19:32But it was a whispered ding-dong because everyone was meditating.
19:34Oh, right.
19:35What are you doing?
19:36What are you doing?
19:37Sorry, sorry.
19:38She said, what are you doing?
19:39And you said, what are you doing?
19:40LAUGHTER
19:41What are you doing?
19:42She is.
19:43Oh, she is.
19:44She's a wellness guru shouting at me in a whispered voice.
19:46I'd say that's cause for what are you doing.
19:48LAUGHTER
19:49Idiot.
19:50You've got to be an idiot.
19:52LAUGHTER
19:53We're people meditating.
19:54We're trying to be spiritual.
19:56You're a guru.
19:57LAUGHTER
19:58And how was it resolved?
19:59When everyone went out, she said,
20:01I knew I shouldn't have let you out of go.
20:03And I said, well, you know, you did,
20:04and you need to calm down a bit if you're a spiritual guru.
20:06She said, I'm not, I'm a wellness guru.
20:08I said, yeah, sorry, I forgot what I read out.
20:10LAUGHTER
20:12She ended up getting me by my feet, swinging me around
20:14and using me head against the gong.
20:15LAUGHTER
20:17All right, we need an answer.
20:19Is Gillian Yinka's phone-in friend, Julie's canteen companion
20:23or Lee's peeved pal?
20:25I mean, what do you think about Lee's story?
20:27I think Lee's...
20:28It's just the most recent one.
20:29It has all the makings of a story in that it has words.
20:32Um...
20:33LAUGHTER
20:35Apart from that, I don't know if he is well.
20:39LAUGHTER
20:41Wow!
20:43I mean, I could take it from anybody else!
20:46LAUGHTER
20:48Of the other two, what are we thinking?
20:52I think Yinka is more believable as a thing that happened
20:56than Julie.
20:57Yeah.
20:58I just think you'd learn the way, wouldn't you?
21:01Or you'd start taking a sandwich.
21:03LAUGHTER
21:06Why does she keep making appointments for the same time
21:09as she's on live radio?
21:11Yeah, but...
21:12To the point where the receptionist has become so infuriated,
21:15she's rung in and told her live on air.
21:18She's only stood there now to tell her
21:20she's got an appointment this evening.
21:21LAUGHTER
21:23What do you think?
21:24I don't know if she has teeth.
21:26LAUGHTER
21:28Cos I haven't seen them.
21:30Who do you think is telling the truth?
21:32Oh, I don't know about that.
21:34LAUGHTER
21:36I'm going to give you a minute.
21:37Chris, do you think it's Yinka?
21:38Well, do you know what?
21:39There was about two-thirds of the way through Lee's
21:41where I was thinking, I can't believe I'm believing Lee here.
21:44The gongwash thing is a thing,
21:46he's coming up with words like he means them.
21:48Yeah.
21:49I can't bring myself to say that I think it's Lee.
21:52But do you think it's Lee?
21:54Just nod if you think it's Lee.
21:56LAUGHTER
21:58LAUGHTER
22:00Chris thinks it's Lee, so this is unprecedented territory.
22:04LAUGHTER
22:06Well, now I'm wondering if it is Lee.
22:08LAUGHTER
22:09OK, we'll go Lee.
22:11You're serious?
22:13Sorry, what do you mean?
22:15Are you serious?
22:16You said you said it was Lee.
22:17I'm agreeing with you.
22:18Yeah.
22:19Could they all know the same woman?
22:21LAUGHTER
22:23APPLAUSE
22:29I'm going to say it's Lee.
22:30You're saying it's Lee.
22:31OK.
22:32Gillian, would you please reveal your true...
22:35She's got teeth!
22:36LAUGHTER
22:40I'm Gillian,
22:41and I used to escort Julie to and from the Corrie canteen.
22:45LAUGHTER
22:48Yes, Gillian is Julie's canteen companion.
22:51Thank you very much, Gillian.
22:54APPLAUSE
22:58Which brings us to our final round, Quickfire Lies.
23:01We start with...
23:03It's...
23:04David.
23:07Recently, at mealtimes,
23:09I've been getting more pleasure than I should
23:11from pretending to have finished my pudding.
23:14LAUGHTER
23:15Then, when Victoria finishes hers,
23:17I can reveal I still have a lot of mine left.
23:20LAUGHTER
23:22Please, Tim.
23:23LAUGHTER
23:24The last time you did this, what was the pudding?
23:28Er, it was rice pudding, actually.
23:30How are you hiding the rice pudding?
23:32We quite often have dinner watching telly.
23:35Yeah.
23:36And I just put it on the table next to me.
23:38It's obscured by a bit of the sofa.
23:40All right.
23:41Let's imagine, David, for a second...
23:42Yes.
23:43...that Harriet is Victoria.
23:45OK.
23:46Show me how you pull the wool over her eyes.
23:48LAUGHTER
23:49We actually sit the other way round.
23:51All right, go on then, let's make it real.
23:52OK, so I'll be you, and you be...
23:54LAUGHTER
23:55No, no, Harriet...
23:56Harriet would be of no use to us whatsoever.
23:58Yes, we'll do that.
23:59OK.
24:00Just change seats.
24:01Change seats, OK.
24:02We just change seats.
24:03I change seats, yeah,
24:04because it'll be easier for me to, you know, make it up.
24:06I mean...
24:07Well, maybe you'll take the long way round.
24:08You just do go through there, just...
24:10What are you doing?
24:11LAUGHTER
24:12This is a much better option than having to pretend
24:14that I'm Victoria, don't you?
24:16LAUGHTER
24:19Now, what are you having tonight?
24:21I've never sat here in 19 years, it's...
24:24Ha-ha!
24:25I'm the leader now.
24:26LAUGHTER
24:27What are you having to see?
24:28First of all, the pudding, what's on the telly?
24:30Let's say on the telly, it's like something with a murder,
24:33like Morse...
24:34Or Poirot.
24:35Love a Poirot.
24:36LAUGHTER
24:37If you watch a Poirot,
24:38then money they've got just for period vehicles.
24:41It's amazing.
24:42LAUGHTER
24:43Anyway, I'm going to say what we're having
24:45is, like, cheesecake-y things,
24:47but it's in a kind of ramekin.
24:48Of course.
24:49That's useful.
24:50Pudding every night?
24:51No!
24:52LAUGHTER
24:54No, two puddings most nights.
24:56LAUGHTER
24:58But this is a one-pudding night.
25:00OK.
25:01I've had, let's say, 60% of the pudding.
25:04You'd be eating yours as well, please.
25:07And then I've just...
25:08Watching the Poirot, I just pop it on the table there.
25:11There's a lamp there as well.
25:12So, Victoria, Harriet, you've finished yours now.
25:16Mmm.
25:17Oh, lovely.
25:18So nice we finished together.
25:20And then you gazed across...
25:21LAUGHTER
25:29Victoria has never said that.
25:31LAUGHTER
25:33Oh, David.
25:35I'm sorry.
25:36This isn't nice.
25:37LAUGHTER
25:38Now, then, at what point do you reach across and play your joker?
25:44I just...
25:45Bring it back.
25:47What?!
25:48I know!
25:49Because it's a law of economics, isn't it?
25:51That I wait for an economic environment of greater scarcity...
25:55LAUGHTER
25:56..of a certain commodity, and therefore its value is elevated.
25:59So what I'm eating is, by definition, better than what was eaten earlier.
26:04And is this what you say to her in the moment?
26:06LAUGHTER
26:07I know you just gave us, like, a real fiscal breakdown, but why...
26:12And I am having one as well.
26:14LAUGHTER
26:15Can I just say, if this is true, you've got to stop.
26:18It's quite hurtful.
26:19LAUGHTER
26:20I feel sad that you did this and I'm not even your wife.
26:23LAUGHTER
26:24She said it's funny.
26:25She says it shows what a character I am.
26:28LAUGHTER
26:29LAUGHTER
26:30All right, the roleplay is over. Return to your seat.
26:33Please.
26:34And a round of applause for some lovely performances.
26:36APPLAUSE
26:37Now, Julie...
26:39Julie, what are you thinking?
26:42Is it the sort of thing he would do?
26:44I... I'd totally buy it.
26:45You believe it?
26:46I think that's fun.
26:47LAUGHTER
26:48What are you thinking, Yinka?
26:49Yeah, you strike me as the kind of guy who does that sort of stuff.
26:53LAUGHTER
26:54Something's going on to my team and say it's true then.
26:56OK, they think it's true.
26:57David, was it true or was it a lie?
27:00It was, in fact, a lie.
27:02Oh, no!
27:03LAUGHTER
27:04APPLAUSE
27:06Yes, it's a lie.
27:08David hasn't been playing with his pudding.
27:10And that noise signals time is up.
27:13It's the end of the show.
27:14I can reveal that David's team has won by four points to one.
27:18Oh, yes!
27:19Oh, my God.
27:20That's all...
27:21Sorry, mate.
27:22APPLAUSE
27:23Thanks for watching.
27:24We'll see you next time.
27:25Good night.
27:26APPLAUSE
27:31Relive New Year with The Jessops on iPlayer,
27:33comedy starring Alison Steadman,
27:35a big party and a bucket.
27:37And red means danger on BBC One,
27:39there's a pretty big secret in the castle.
27:42Watch your back.
27:43The Traitors is next.
27:44APPLAUSE
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