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Abbott Elementary - Season 5 Episode 04- Game Night
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Transcript
00:00Well, you're missing out.
00:00Melissa, I cannot possibly watch 500 episodes of a British reality show,
00:05even if it does deal with my favorite emotion, love.
00:08On my favorite land farm, an island.
00:11Duck Duck Goose is the perfect game.
00:13Yeah, first of all, contained to a small area, only one kid talks every round.
00:17And then they tire themselves out, running around in a circle, two at a time.
00:20Plus, we can watch them and catch up at the same time.
00:22Yeah, perfect game.
00:23Perfect.
00:23Ladies, can we please stop leaving our windows open?
00:27There's a bird in the hallway.
00:28We are in the gym.
00:30I think that's a hallway problem.
00:32Duck Duck Duck
00:34Can you please just pick one?
00:36Duck Duck
00:36Where?
00:37Oh, oh!
00:40What the heck?
00:44And now, it is a kitchen problem.
00:47And then every once in a while, the hottest piece you have ever seen in your life enters the villa.
00:52These are called bombshells.
00:54This is Callum.
00:56Hang on. Hang on.
00:58My water broke.
01:11Told you I'll be pregnant.
01:12No, okay.
01:13Let me clarify.
01:14The water in my apartment is not working.
01:17Something about the pipes.
01:19Game night's canceled.
01:21Not so fast, m'lady.
01:22I can host.
01:23No, you can't.
01:24No, I can't.
01:25What are we talking about?
01:26Go stand up for yourself.
01:28Melissa, I can do what I want in my room.
01:30It's my room.
01:31It's her room.
01:32Damn it.
01:33Oh, God.
01:34This sucks.
01:34I was really looking forward to hanging out with Elijah.
01:37It's a classic love story.
01:38Boy sees ex at karaoke bar.
01:41Boy meets new boy.
01:42Boy brings that boy to game night.
01:43Oh, somebody write the movie already.
01:46You know what?
01:47I'll host.
01:47But you said you don't believe in friendship in the home.
01:50I know, but I'm a little bit more open now, and Janine has said that my apartment should
01:54be an architectural digest.
01:56Yes.
01:56My second favorite magazine to read at the dentist's office after highlights.
02:00I've decided to be excited.
02:02Additionally, I have decided this is going to be great.
02:05Woo!
02:05So, Gregory's home is very architectural digest in that there are several bowls of limes,
02:13and it looks like maybe no one's ever lived there.
02:16And the furniture is very firm.
02:18Oh, I think we can all survive some firmature.
02:22It's not just the furniture, you know?
02:24It's just not that cozy.
02:26And I never said anything, because how do you tell someone that when you first start dating?
02:29Oh, you don't.
02:30You ignore it and hope it'll go away.
02:31Exactly.
02:32But now it's too late to say anything.
02:33Well, it's a big deal that he invited people over.
02:36You don't want to scare him out of it.
02:37Right.
02:37And I won't.
02:38I won't.
02:38I'll just make a few light suggestions, right?
02:40Some here and there's, bits and bops, pots and pans, because he doesn't have any.
02:44Well, just be gentle.
02:45You know he is so baby girl.
02:47Yes.
02:48Oh, rain next week.
02:51Glad I won't be here.
02:53And where you think you going?
02:54Nobody told me Trash was taking a week off.
02:56I'm going to New Orleans tomorrow, as I've told you several times.
02:59What I wouldn't give for a vacation in New Orleans.
03:02Beignet in one hand.
03:04Irish coffee and the other.
03:05By the way, only thing the Irish ever got right besides red hair.
03:09And Colin Farrell.
03:10Well, what about your brother Seamus?
03:12Eh.
03:12My first vacation in 30 years.
03:14I made sure to secure a middle seat.
03:16Two different shoulders to nap on.
03:18Well, do you have a real ID?
03:19You have to have one to fly now.
03:21Of course my ID is real.
03:23I look like a 16-year-old trying to buy a buzz ball.
03:25No, they're talking about these fancy new IDs that you have to go down to the DMV and
03:29get them.
03:30Oh man, it's always something.
03:31I go down there after work.
03:33We call my pickleball league, tell them I can't make it.
03:35Well, Gerald and I are traveling for the holidays and I've been putting off getting mine.
03:38So why don't we go down to the DMV together and just get it out the way?
03:42Yeah, I might as well do it too.
03:43I mean, misery now or misery later, right?
03:45I'll go too.
03:46I'm looking scrumptious today and my ID is expiring soon, so.
03:49Time for a new pick?
03:50I'll drive.
03:51Dibs.
03:51Dibs on shotgun.
03:53Amateurs.
03:55All right, you guys.
03:55Have a good day.
03:57Yay.
03:57Um, Gregory.
03:58Hi.
03:59Uh, Jacob wanted to know what to bring.
04:02Um, I told him he could bring cups.
04:04He said cake.
04:04We settled on cupcake, but I just wanted to double check with you.
04:07Um, he doesn't need to bring anything.
04:08I got it covered.
04:09I'm sitting on the Google form to everyone now.
04:11Oh, fun.
04:12Everybody loves a pre-party form.
04:15Maybe I can come by a little bit earlier and help set up.
04:17No need.
04:18I'm going to the store after work and the apartment's already clean.
04:21I got this.
04:22Oh, no, I know.
04:23Just hosting can be really overwhelming.
04:26Just want to make sure you don't overlook anything.
04:28Oh, I won't.
04:29According to my calculations, I have three extra minutes for silent contemplation of game strategy.
04:33All right.
04:34Maybe I'll bring a couple throw pillows or a candle.
04:37I feel like if I need it, it's in my checklist.
04:39You know, I'm actually really surprised I've never hosted before.
04:41So many logistics.
04:43Loving it.
04:44I love chips.
04:45Chips are so good.
04:46Yeah, I know.
04:47You think you're going to have any chips at the party?
04:49Come on now.
04:50Okay.
04:50What kind of party would it be without chickpea chips?
04:53Chickpea what?
04:54You know, there's three grams of protein per serving.
04:56No, I didn't know that.
04:57Mm-hmm.
04:57Oh.
04:58Mm-hmm.
04:59Love to learn.
05:02B-test.
05:06Read it and weep, suckers.
05:07On B-12, they're already at B-10.
05:09Mr. Johnson, are you sure that you have all of the proper documentation?
05:14Yeah, because one of those folks is just signed headshots.
05:17I got everything I could ever need to prove I am who the American government thinks I am.
05:20I, for one, am very proud of you for taking this vacation.
05:23It's very easy for us older folks to get wrapped up in the work that we forget to make time for ourselves.
05:30And you need the rest.
05:33But I won't be resting.
05:34I will be tearing it up.
05:36Aw.
05:37I hate it when he tries to sound like the kids.
05:39B-15.
05:41Oh.
05:42That's me.
05:43What the hell?
05:43What the hell?
05:46Hello, I'm Mr. Johnson.
05:48You got a first name, Mr. Johnson?
05:50Never mind, I see it.
05:51This isn't going to work.
05:52You filled this out with blue ink.
05:54Please fill it up again with black ink.
05:55Maybe I got arthritis.
05:57I don't know how many forms I got left in me.
05:58Did the arthritis keep you from following the instructions next?
06:01I don't know.
06:03Is this the post office?
06:04You watch your mouth.
06:06Welcome to Gregory's Goopy Game Night.
06:07Oh!
06:08I actually have my party shirt on already.
06:10It looks black, but it's actually really dark.
06:12Oh, I see.
06:15Oh, I should have come early.
06:17Yeah, it's okay.
06:19We still have enough time to get things ready.
06:21What do you mean?
06:21It is ready.
06:22I have the three S's.
06:24Oh.
06:24Seating.
06:25Oh.
06:25Snacks.
06:27And sounds.
06:27These are binaural beats for concentration.
06:30Oh, okay.
06:31Yeah.
06:32That's great.
06:35Do you think there are enough seats for everyone?
06:37Because it's just a couple of people?
06:38Uh, yeah, we have the other chair rolled away.
06:40Oh.
06:43Ah!
06:43Screw it.
06:44Crossover.
06:45Mm-hmm.
06:46Oh.
06:46Ah, can you make sure the other chair doesn't roll away?
06:49The ball?
06:49Yeah.
06:49Yeah.
06:50Okay.
06:50You have to put a hand on it?
06:51Yeah.
06:51It will.
06:53Erica.
06:53Hey, Gregory.
06:54Hey.
06:54So, this is your place?
06:57Yeah.
06:58Yeah.
06:59So, um, sterile.
07:01Mm-hmm.
07:02Almost like a facility.
07:04Mm-hmm.
07:04Uh, can I get you anything to drink?
07:05Oh, I would love one.
07:06Uh, filter your bottles.
07:07Filtered alcohol?
07:09Oh, you're funny.
07:10Ah!
07:10Oh, you're really funny.
07:12Like, people tell you you're funny all the time, don't they?
07:14I know what you are.
07:14But since you don't have a preference, I will bring you both filtered and bottled.
07:18Oh, my God.
07:18Because that's the kind of host I am.
07:19Great host.
07:20But keep the jokes coming.
07:22I'm looking at you for the funny tonight.
07:23She's hilarious.
07:25Girl, what the hell is going on?
07:27This is Gregory's first time posting.
07:28I don't want to discourage him.
07:30Please be nice.
07:30So, don't tell him his apartment is the physical embodiment of Edward Munch's The Scream.
07:35What?
07:36I bet you can't like art.
07:37No, you can.
07:39B, 11.
07:41Ooh, I gotta be next.
07:42Are you looking at mug shots for inspiration?
07:45Well, they use the same camera and lighting setup here as they do when you get books.
07:48So, mug shots are the perfect reference photos.
07:50G, 26.
07:52Finished.
07:52I'm gonna turn the big easy into the big sleazy.
07:55Wait, how are you next?
07:56It's supposed to be me.
07:58You people on some kind of bingo system?
08:00Pretty privileged.
08:03Finished.
08:04And black ink.
08:05You want a cookie?
08:06I'll take two.
08:07Paper looks good, and I see your document from list A.
08:10But where's something from list B?
08:12I only bought documents from list A.
08:13You need one document from list A and list B, or one document from list C.
08:18It's and or.
08:18I haven't seen and or.
08:20It's a rogue one.
08:21So, you're unprepared and uncultured.
08:23If you can't produce that document, we won't be able to get you your real ID today.
08:27Next.
08:28Looks like the only jazz I'll be singing is the blues.
08:31That was pretty good.
08:35This is administrative injustice.
08:37It's all right, ladies.
08:38Oh, it is not all right.
08:40You know they can't close until the last person leaves, and we are staying.
08:44Well, I'm not really invested, but bar's my ride, so.
08:47M-44.
08:49Oh, that's me.
08:50You are getting on that plane, Mr. Johnson, or my name isn't Barbara Howard.
08:56I ought to run for office.
08:58She got my two votes.
08:59Hello.
09:03Ah, you know, while I have you here, I'd like to talk to you about my friend, Mr. Johnson.
09:10That man, he needs a break.
09:14Ma'am, you're going to need to take the written exam lines over there.
09:17Excuse me?
09:17Your license expired two years ago.
09:20Excuse me?
09:21Are you holding car keys right now?
09:25Did you drive here?
09:26Excuse me?
09:27Oh, you can't hear me?
09:29I'm going to put you down for a hearing test as well.
09:36Where'd you get this firm couch, Gregory?
09:38I got it from this place in Baltimore, but when I first got it, it was way too soft, so
09:43I just went in there and removed some of the unnecessary filling.
09:46It's firm.
09:47So you unupholstered it?
09:48Well, I don't want to make it sound fancier than it was, but yeah, I guess I do.
09:53Well, I'll tell you what.
09:54I am having a blast.
09:55Okay, well, maybe now's a good time.
09:58I saw this thing online.
09:59They said it was really good for parties.
10:01Jacob and Elijah, I feel like you guys are really going to love this.
10:03I wasn't sure if it would be ready in time, but I just checked and it's smelling pretty ripe.
10:10Did you say ripe or ripe?
10:11I don't know.
10:12And Erica, you're going to love this.
10:13Okay, it's got alcohol in it.
10:15Oh, thank God.
10:16Yes.
10:16It's homemade kombucha, right?
10:19So who wants some?
10:20I do.
10:20Okay.
10:21I'm low-key kind of offended by that question because of course I want some.
10:27Where is the kombucha?
10:28Come on now.
10:29This is my guy.
10:32Jacob, thank you so much for filling him in on the whole being chill thing.
10:35Oh, I didn't say anything.
10:36His social and emotional IQ is through the roof.
10:39Either that or he's way weirder than I thought.
10:42Should I just bring the picture out?
10:43Yeah?
10:43Yeah.
10:44Right?
10:44For everybody, everybody, you want to talk?
10:46I'm going to get this up.
10:47All right.
10:47Yes, Jack.
10:50Now, who is that?
10:53Gregory.
10:54Simon.
10:56Didn't match my energy, but yeah, it's me.
10:57That's good.
10:58You didn't fill out the attendance form.
10:59That's okay.
11:00There's my queen.
11:01We're trying to pretend like this is all normal and good.
11:06Okay, great.
11:06And you guys can read Simon the Rules.
11:08Yeah?
11:09That'll be fun.
11:09Definitely.
11:10Unless you've already played Soil Erosion.
11:11Is that an Xbox?
11:14You are hilarious.
11:15I told you.
11:16The two of y'all are right.
11:18That's right.
11:19You're so funny.
11:20I see why this works.
11:21At a crosswalk, you must A, increase your speed.
11:26Yep, that's it.
11:27First one's always A.
11:28I don't know about you two, but I am not getting back in the Barb's car.
11:31She just said you should speed up at the crosswalk.
11:33It's only a problem if you hit a crosswalk.
11:3612B.
11:36Whoop, that's me.
11:38Whoa, whoa, whoa.
11:39I don't know where you think you're going, buddy.
11:42No, no, no.
11:42I'm 12B.
11:44You'll be 12.
11:45Like the vitamin.
11:47This place hates Italians.
11:48I'm Italian.
11:49This place hates women.
11:5212C.
11:52Whoop.
11:53Sorry, Meli-Mel.
11:54That's me.
11:55Show me your ticket.
11:56No, I've always wanted a mugshot, but they will never catch a girl, so this is the next best thing.
12:00Don't you worry, Mr. J. I will talk to them and get you on their flight to New England.
12:04New Orleans.
12:05Wherever.
12:06They won't say no to me.
12:08This face card never declines.
12:10If you see livestock on the road, you should...
12:13Now, why in the world would I be driving on a farm?
12:16Thanks for making room for me, Gregory.
12:17Now I get to sit next to E-Baby on this, uh, weight bench.
12:23Hey, as a heads up, bathroom's out of paper towels.
12:27Well, there's always the environmentally conscious move of putting out a hand towel.
12:30Multiple sets of hands on one towel is crazy.
12:33But I can't believe I ran out of paper towels.
12:36Um, you know what?
12:38It's okay.
12:38Just go ahead and, uh, wipe your hands on my shirt.
12:41It's hairy cloth.
12:42Oh, I don't want to do that.
12:43Do it.
12:45So you're just gonna be a hand towel?
12:48What's up, Jeff?
12:49While I'm here, I wanted to talk to you about an employee of mine.
12:52That is not essentially a bowling ball.
12:53That is Mr. Johnson.
12:55And he has a flight to catch tomorrow.
12:56And the only thing stopping him from a much-needed vacation in New Hampshire is a real ID.
13:00So if you could just help me.
13:02I know you didn't just take a picture without a countdown.
13:04Next.
13:04No.
13:05Go ahead and delete that one, because we're gonna do it again.
13:07Three.
13:08You didn't even get to two!
13:09I've got a long line, ma'am.
13:11And it's gonna get longer if you don't three, two, one, another picture.
13:14Ayo, stop playing with me.
13:16What the?
13:17Okay, while you were asleep, a rogue farmer snuck in and tilled your fields.
13:21Go back three spaces.
13:22Damn it.
13:23Are you tired of seeing crack just because you want your water back?
13:27At Gentleman's Plumbing, all of our plumbers wear belts.
13:29And that's a guarantee.
13:31It's free if there's ads.
13:32I mean, that money ain't gonna save itself.
13:34Yeah, and you know what?
13:34A lot of the times, I think that the ads are better than the music.
13:37Okay, I know.
13:42When I get up there, I'm gonna handle it, okay?
13:44I promise.
13:46I try not to be that kind of Karen white woman, but every once in a while, the universe just
13:51forces my hand.
13:53I'm not calling Circle Four Dot.
13:56What the?
13:57Circle Four Dot?
13:59What in the Fred Flintstone f*** is that?
14:01It's not a number.
14:03I'm gonna burn this place to the ground.
14:05That works for me.
14:05Oh, what a wicked machine.
14:09Come on, man.
14:10Just take another picture.
14:12You think my man can't hack this little system?
14:14That would be a federal offense.
14:15So?
14:16He's a member of Anonymous, but he's so fine, they won't even let him wear a mask.
14:20Oh, you think I can't jump over this counter?
14:22Y'all said you could help me get the New Orleans, but you're just a bunch of jambaliers.
14:26Damn.
14:27I'm on fire.
14:29Oh, you got jokes.
14:30Gotta have jokes in here, s***.
14:31I think I'm gonna use my soil coins to buy another cow, as Doja Cat once said, no.
14:40Oh, what was that?
14:42Oh, it's my air quality monitor.
14:44Yeah, the CO2 levels are a little high.
14:46I think the addition of Simon increased the concentration levels.
14:48Oh, no.
14:49Why don't you tell your man to stop breathing so hard?
14:51Why don't you tell your man to get a damn grip?
14:52Hey.
14:53It's all right, I'll just open a window.
14:54It's October.
14:55Yeah, it's already like 60 degrees.
14:56Yeah.
14:56Okay, well, for anti-window, I can get everybody masked.
14:59Just open the f*** window.
15:00Okay.
15:00Big money, big money, big money.
15:02Uh, hey, this is fun, right?
15:05Oh, my God!
15:07Oh, my God, what?
15:08Oh, not again!
15:10Damn it.
15:10Let me take out my Merlin app.
15:12No, what?
15:12What?
15:13Rock pigeon.
15:14You didn't know that's a pigeon?
15:15Okay, I got a game we can play.
15:17Two truths and a lie.
15:19Kombucha is not real alcohol.
15:20It's too damn cold in here.
15:22And this party sucks.
15:23Erica!
15:24That's too many truths.
15:25She has to start over now.
15:27Does my party suck?
15:29No!
15:31No.
15:32Big money, big money, big money.
15:34Ah!
15:35Ah!
15:36Whoa!
15:37Why didn't you tell me you didn't think I should host?
15:39You said I should have gone back-to-back in the apartment of the U.
15:41I know, and that doesn't even exist.
15:43You seem so excited to do it.
15:45I'm not a kid.
15:46You can be honest with me.
15:47I want you to be comfortable here.
15:48I am comfortable here.
15:50It's just I do think that you could use real chairs and consider a pillow.
15:56And I think Jacob was onto something with that hand towel thing.
15:58I just wish that we'll just let you help from the beginning.
16:01If I just listened to you, maybe people would have actually had fun.
16:04Well, it's okay.
16:05Because I listen to me.
16:08I'm looking forward to finding out what that means.
16:10Come with me.
16:10Oh, my God.
16:12Um, okay.
16:13It is a fun party.
16:15Jesus.
16:16Hey, guys.
16:17I wish you had more rooms.
16:19Enjoy.
16:20That's me!
16:22Okay, okay.
16:23I'm coming, I'm coming!
16:24Well, this was a bust.
16:26Can't believe I let y'all talk me into wasting my time like this.
16:29Mr. Johnson, I'm sorry you're not going to be able to take your vacation.
16:32It's okay.
16:32I've gone 30 years without one.
16:34What's another 30?
16:35Ticket, please.
16:42Oh, yes, yes.
16:44I had it in my pocket.
16:45Sorry, but without a ticket, I can't help you.
16:47No, no, no.
16:48I'm B12.
16:49Please, please, you have to believe me.
16:51My mind is fractured.
16:52My soul is broken.
16:54Darkness reigns supreme.
16:57Welcome to the DMV.
16:59Come on.
17:00It was...
17:01Oh, it's right there.
17:02Okay.
17:02No!
17:03No!
17:05Excuse me, excuse me, sir.
17:07I'm going to need you to please empty out that vacuum cleaner.
17:09No can do.
17:11That's trash.
17:12Mr. Rison!
17:13Mr. Johnson!
17:14How you doing, man?
17:15You left the school district and took your talents to the DMV.
17:18You know, it's a pretty good gig.
17:20Aside from all the red tape, I have to vacuum up.
17:22You two know each other.
17:23I don't know everything this man standing right here.
17:25When he found me, I was in a dark place.
17:27He sure was.
17:28Cleaning up the basement of a Sears.
17:30So what brings you to my sweeping grounds?
17:32Suppose you go on a little getaway tomorrow.
17:33Been my first in 30 years.
17:35They won't give me my real ID because I need some document.
17:39Mr. Ronson, might it be possible for you to talk with your co-worker over there?
17:45Oh.
17:46Hey, Tammy.
17:48What do you say you help an old pal of mine out?
17:50Well, that settles it.
17:51Let's get out of here.
17:52Okay.
17:54How about I tell everyone it was you that clogged the toilet?
17:56Oh, damn, girl.
17:59You wouldn't.
18:00Try me.
18:04Oh, looks like you've been approved for a real ID.
18:07So, sir, if you just head over there, Jeff will take your photo, okay?
18:12Wow, you're going to Newfoundland after all.
18:15Tammy, might it be possible for you to look the other way on my written exam?
18:22I'm predisposed to failing it.
18:24No.
18:25You're going to need to retake that.
18:27You're driving, Melissa.
18:30Some people, right?
18:32So...
18:33No.
18:34I will see you in hell.
18:36I'm already there.
18:39Add Britney.
18:39Okay.
18:40Add Gaga.
18:40Add Beyonce.
18:41Okay, could you slow down?
18:42Oh, Bjork.
18:45I'm finally starting to feel my fingers again.
18:47How'd you get this into the car by yourself?
18:50Oh, I didn't.
18:50I asked a stranger for help.
18:52Oh, I don't like that at all.
18:53Here you go.
18:54Oh, oh.
18:56Ladies first.
18:57Jacob, I like this one.
18:58And I do, too.
18:59Hi.
19:00Oh.
19:00I'm your new best friend, and we have to be locked in for life now.
19:03Oh, it's an honor, but don't shake unless you're ready.
19:06Hey, did you bring any better games?
19:08Uh, no.
19:09I didn't, because I think you brought the perfect one.
19:11Great.
19:12Yeah.
19:13You think I should fire up some bison burgers on the formula?
19:15I don't think that you should.
19:17I think maybe we should order some pizzas for everyone.
19:19Oh, someone said pizza.
19:21I said pizza.
19:22See how it's a crowd pleaser, right?
19:25I guess.
19:26Thank you for asking my advice.
19:29Dang it.
19:30This got something on here.
19:31Three, two, one.
19:34Oh, now he can count.
19:36Oh, that's stunning.
19:38Well, at least one of us got what we came for.
19:40Mr. Johnson, you better have the best vacation ever.
19:44No, I intend to.
19:46Now that I have a real idea and a passport, the world is my clam.
19:49What?
19:50I'm allergic to oysters.
19:51Wait, you have a passport?
19:53Yeah.
19:54You silly son of a bitch.
19:55Mr. Johnson, you could have just used your passport.
19:59You call yourselves educators?
20:01New Orleans is in the country.
20:03You know, after the initial hiccups, I feel like tonight was a success.
20:09I agree.
20:10Can't wait to do it again.
20:12Yeah, but maybe next time it's your place.
20:17Yeah.
20:18Maybe we can owe us together.
20:20Okay.
20:22I almost forgot the pillows.
20:25Um, actually, maybe you leave those, if that's okay with you.
20:29Really?
20:30Yeah.
20:32But definitely not that one.
20:36Okay.
20:37Yeah.
20:37Yeah.
20:38It's more in my place.
20:39Yeah, yeah, yeah.
20:44Newsflash.
20:45You know those big yellow humps in the middle of the road?
20:48You mean speed bumps?
20:49Turns out you're supposed to slow down for them.
20:52Who knew?
20:54Um, y'all not too old to get fired.
20:56What?
20:56Get to class before this becomes a former teacher's lounge.
20:59Let's go.
21:02A Philadelphia man stunned New Orleans today when he wrestled seven alligators in under
21:0710 minutes, breaking his own record from 30 years ago.
21:11They're calling him the Bayou Bruiser.
21:14And, ah!
21:15Okay, there is a bird in the studio.
21:18We have to go to break.
21:19Delicious.
21:20And a lot of popcorn.
21:21Go to the door.
21:44Bye-bye.
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