- 19 hours ago
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00:00Can you keep a secret?
00:02It turns out I hadn't died.
00:03Oh my god.
00:04Dad?
00:05The money from your dad's life insurance finally came through.
00:08You've still earned a quarter of a million quid.
00:10We did want that money for you and Neha and the boys.
00:13This is fraud. You can go to prison.
00:15I know, but we've put you in a tiny bit of an impossible situation.
00:18You mustn't tell Neha. You could put her career at risk.
00:21I can't believe he's actually got a...
00:23I know. Neither can we.
00:30Oh!
00:50Oi! You! Can't you read?
00:52It says no junk mail!
00:54No, it don't.
00:57Oh.
01:00William!
01:03That tosspot son of yours has vandalised the sign again.
01:07The sign again.
01:08The sign again.
01:09The sign again.
01:10The sign again.
01:12The sign again.
01:13Will I walk away?
01:15It says exactly!
01:17And it was the sign again.
01:18Yes!
01:19Wait a minute, I don't forget...
01:20To stop us!
01:21You won't miss them.
01:22Nobody with her.
01:23Will he destroy you?
01:24No, I'll leave.
01:25haush not last, please.
01:27No, I'll walk you with outside.
01:29See you next.
01:30Season of Dads.
01:31The thing again.
01:33Yes.
01:34The sign again.
01:35Tell me to."
01:37See you later.
01:38Mom?
01:51Jack?
01:53Hello?
01:58Hello?
02:01Oh, my God.
02:03Oh, my God.
02:05Oh, my God.
02:06No, no, no.
02:07No, no, no.
02:08No.
02:08No, no, no, no.
02:09Jack?
02:09Jack?
02:10Jack?
02:10Jack?
02:11Jack?
02:12Jack?
02:13Jack?
02:14What the hell are you doing?
02:15It's just a bit of fun.
02:17No, you're scared of the shit out of me.
02:19That's what makes it fun.
02:20How many times are you going to make me think you're dead?
02:22Well, as long as we keep getting a good reaction.
02:24Yeah.
02:25It serves you right for the sign.
02:26It's a good hat, isn't it?
02:27Yeah.
02:28It's all about the little flourishes.
02:30Yeah.
02:32Your face!
02:34What are these for?
02:38Can't a boy just buy some flowers for his mummy?
02:40No, and don't call me mummy.
02:42It's creepy.
02:43Yeah.
02:44And it's for me.
02:45Yes.
02:46I also treated me and Neha to a jet washer with some of the insurance money.
02:51Yeah, sweet.
02:52Which one?
02:53The Karter K5 power control with the dirt blaster and the spray lance.
02:56Is that actually in the boot if you want to give it a go?
02:58That does sound like my idea of fun.
03:00But, uh, unfortunately, I've just got something urgent to attend to first.
03:04Ah, ah, ah, ah!
03:05William Fendon?
03:06Where do you think you're going?
03:08Just upstairs.
03:09Do you think I was born yesterday?
03:11No.
03:12I know you're 67.
03:14Right.
03:15Go ahead.
03:16Hand them over.
03:18And what over?
03:20Don't make me wrestle you again.
03:22Not in front of the child.
03:25You're a cruel woman.
03:36Cruel, cruel woman.
03:39So very, very cruel.
03:44Cruel.
03:47Cruel!
03:49It is a bit cruel.
03:51Harold, he's an addict.
03:53And he's going to eat himself into an early grave.
03:56Another one.
03:57And next time, there won't be a payout to soften the blow.
04:09Isn't that incredible?
04:10I never knew our patio even looked like that.
04:12It's nice you've found a hobby.
04:14Yeah.
04:15Since we got it, me and Harry just look at everything now like...
04:18I could jet wash the shit out of that.
04:21Have you got that needs blasting?
04:23Brick work.
04:24Garden furniture.
04:25We'll do it on.
04:27No, I personally don't like jet washers.
04:29We had a terrible experience last summer.
04:31Neil was doing our patio.
04:33He'd just plugged in when he saw Chloe's guinea pig in the garden.
04:37Because it was a hot day, he thought he'd give her a quick drink from the hose.
04:40That's nice.
04:41You haven't appreciated the power.
04:44Poor thing flew nearly 200 feet.
04:46And that wasn't the worst of it.
04:48You know Geoff Varley from the Bulls Club?
04:50Yeah.
04:51He was in his garden having a barbecue.
04:53He barbecued the guinea pig?
04:56Oh.
04:57No.
04:58He got hit by it.
04:59But something that size fired at that speed.
05:02It's like he'd been struck by a mortar.
05:06Poor Neil was in bits.
05:08What about the guinea pig?
05:09Bluebell actually stayed in one piece.
05:12Dead though.
05:13Broken back.
05:16Still.
05:18Nice show of enjoying it.
05:22Your foxes are very regular, aren't they?
05:24They must eat a lot of fibre.
05:25Tell me about it.
05:27I must say, it's nice to see you more cheerful.
05:30I did consider being mortally offended.
05:32But then I figured you and Dad have always done deranged things,
05:34so I might as well get something out of you this time.
05:37Yeah.
05:38What, like the jet hoser?
05:39Oh yeah.
05:40I mean, you know, being able to pay rent, feed our children,
05:43that's good too, but a karcher?
05:46That's something me and Neha could have only dreamed of before.
05:49Neha and I.
05:53See, sometimes Mum knows best.
05:56There is one fly in the ointment.
05:58Oh?
06:00We can't keep lying to her.
06:02No, but what other option do we have?
06:05Will you tell her the truth?
06:06Well, no, we definitely can't do that.
06:09I have to.
06:10We're married.
06:11She's a police officer.
06:12She's worked so hard to get where she is.
06:15And you want to compromise that so you can feel better about yourself.
06:18Selfish, Harold.
06:20Both of you.
06:21Very, very selfish.
06:22What you need to do is go home, give her a little cuddle,
06:25and stop thinking about yourself for a minute.
06:27Is often made that Britain is too centralised...
06:30Do you know, I never realised how utterly dreadful television is without chocolate.
06:33You're just withdrawing from the sugar.
06:34You'll come out the other side much stronger.
06:35I don't want to come out the other side if this is what my life's going to be like.
06:38This shroud of colourless misery.
06:39This world of despair.
06:40Insipid fog.
06:41It's been four hours.
06:42Please, can I pop to the petrol station?
06:43Well, of course you bloody can't!
06:44What have you seen?
06:45I'll wear a disguise.
06:46I'll wear a disguise.
06:47I'm not having this argument.
06:48I don't know how beautiful television is without chocolate.
06:49You're just withdrawing from the sugar.
06:50You'll come out the other side much stronger.
06:51I don't want to come out the other side if this is what my life's going to be like.
06:56This shroud of colourless misery.
06:59This world of despair.
07:02Insipid fog.
07:03It's been four hours.
07:06It's been four hours.
07:07Please, can I pop to the petrol station?
07:08Well, of course you bloody can't!
07:10What have you seen?
07:11I'll wear a disguise.
07:13I'm not having this argument again.
07:15You know the rules.
07:17Well, no, I don't actually, because you keep bloody changing them.
07:21You run this house like Guantanamo Bay, but with less humanity.
07:32Rumsfeld.
07:33William, don't turn it up!
07:38Sorry, why is this?
07:40I just wanted to do something nice for your mum, you know?
07:42To thank her for the money.
07:43Yeah, quite.
07:44Who did it?
07:45Lovely Martha in the market.
07:47Doesn't she usually paint pets?
07:49Yeah.
07:50Which is why this is even more impressive.
07:52I mean, I only asked her to do it last week.
07:54Imagine being able to paint that quick.
07:56I think you can tell she normally does animals.
07:59Why?
08:00Well, we've got paws.
08:02My mum looks like a spaniel.
08:06And she's given me whiskers.
08:09I think that's meant to be stubble.
08:14Come here.
08:15I'm sorry.
08:16I'm sorry.
08:17I don't mean to upset you.
08:18It's just that it's a bit...
08:20Triggering to see your dad again.
08:23If you like.
08:26Sorry.
08:27Hopefully your mum will like it more than you do.
08:29Oh, no.
08:30We shouldn't show it to her.
08:31But hers is being delivered tomorrow.
08:33Sorry, you bought this painting twice?
08:36Yeah.
08:37Why?
08:38Is that not a good idea?
08:39No.
08:40Oh.
08:41No, it's a phenomenal idea.
08:44Oh.
08:45Oh.
08:46No, no.
08:47Oh.
08:48Oh, no.
08:50Oh, no.
08:51Oh, no.
08:52Oh.
08:53Oh, no.
08:54Oh, no.
08:55What?
08:56Oh, no.
08:57What is this?
09:27I told you.
09:28I think I'd remember if you told me you were hosting a charity fundraising night in memory of Dad.
09:32Why?
09:33Because he's not dead.
09:34Oh, gosh, you take everything so literally.
09:37OK, so your Dad might not be dead physically, but emotionally, you know, he's been gone since the 90s.
09:43Getting people to donate money under false pretenses is unethical.
09:46Oh, don't give me that.
09:48You got over your ethics pretty quickly when you realised it got you a jet hoser.
09:53I'm just delighted the money's going to go to some humans for once.
09:57Fed up with all these animal shelters hoovering up the cash.
10:02Oh, our kitchens have got wheels instead of back legs.
10:05This is bad juju.
10:07Why?
10:08We're raising money for charity.
10:10If anything, that's good juju, whatever juju is.
10:13What is juju?
10:14Oh, I can't.
10:15Please come.
10:19It would be really nice to put on a united front, you know.
10:23Plus, the bereaved family, you know, all together, that will grease a few wallets.
10:29And we'll need that because they're tight as a Nats Fanny down that club.
10:33Why am I so...jowly?
10:39She paints a lot of dogs.
10:48I'll just be a sec.
10:52Harry, we're at Code Red.
10:54What are you doing?
10:55Neil's right there.
10:56Your mother's gone all Taliban.
10:58She's banned chocolate and biscuits.
11:00Chocolate biscuits.
11:01And she's making me flaxseed.
11:03Do you know how they make flaxseed?
11:05No.
11:05Well, they hoover up all the dried guff from under the sofa cushion.
11:08They stick it in a bag and write flaxseed on it.
11:10Now, it's not the time for one of your flaps.
11:12This is not a flap.
11:13I feel like I'm in Requiem for a dream.
11:15I've got the shakes and it's not from the Parkinson's.
11:18Well, can't you order some online?
11:19No, I tried, but Fritzel in there's got wise to it and hidden the router.
11:22Hiding the router will make a difference, Dad.
11:24The internet's wireless.
11:25Harry, Neha is right there.
11:27I haven't got time for a computer lesson.
11:28Just get me some chocolate.
11:31I should make sure it's dairy milk, not Galaxy,
11:34which, as far as I'm concerned, is made with sour cream and earwax,
11:36which I quite like, but not in chocolate.
11:41Can you open the boot, please?
11:42Yeah.
11:49We'll have to come straight from work.
12:00Pigfish has been back at the pumps.
12:01Oh, God.
12:02Not a pretty sight.
12:03Well, don't commission a portrait of it, then.
12:05Very good.
12:06No phones on the forecourt.
12:09Look, I'll pick Mum up and take her to the balls club.
12:11Bye, we'll meet you there.
12:12Bye.
12:13Okay, bye.
12:13Love you.
12:14Love you.
12:14I tell you this, it's a disgrace what you let him get away with.
12:20He's gone right up to the hill, Tom, this one.
12:24Bloody hell.
12:26I'm surprised he can walk.
12:39Where are you going?
12:42Nowhere.
12:44What's in that bag?
12:47Nothing.
13:03Dad.
13:06Dad.
13:10Dad.
13:11Dad.
13:14Dad.
13:15Dad.
13:15Dad.
13:19Oh, dear.
13:22Harry.
13:22William?
13:24Harry.
13:25William?
13:26Oh, dear.
13:27Harry.
13:28What have you done?
13:30Well, I jumped out on him.
13:31Why?
13:31Why not?
13:32Because you've knocked him out, you idiot.
13:34I didn't mean to.
13:35I'm just so bored.
13:36Oh, God.
13:38You're going to have to patch him up, because I've got to get ready.
13:40How am I going to do that?
13:42Harry, Harry, come on.
13:44Oh.
13:45Harry.
13:46Oh.
13:48I see now.
13:57Right, I'm as shocked as you are.
13:59Oh, don't even try it, you devious hound.
14:03Oh, dear.
14:07Harry, Harry.
14:08You know, they say that the saddest thing about betrayal
14:12is that it starts with trust
14:15and ends with betrayal of trust,
14:18that that betrayal is the trust of.
14:31That's your fault.
14:33Yeah, let's get that.
14:37Whoa, whoa, whoa, what are you doing?
14:39Sorry, I haven't got any plaster, so we...
14:41I'll be okay. Thank you.
14:43Intruder alert.
14:45Intruder alert.
14:46What's that?
14:47Now, that is a sensor I installed.
14:50So I thought it'd be good to have some advance warning of any visitors.
14:54But I think I may have installed it on a pigeon flight path or something
14:58because it just keeps going off when no one's there.
15:00Okay. That sounds normal.
15:03Look, I'm sorry about the chocolate, Dad.
15:05I'd like to say it's okay, but let's be honest, it's an effing disaster.
15:09Well, if you will, let Mum control your life.
15:11It doesn't control my life.
15:13Apart from legally killing you, making you live in the loft and governing what you eat.
15:18The thing about marriage, Harry, is that there's only ever two people who really know what's going on.
15:23Mm-hmm.
15:24You know what your grandmother said to us on our wedding day?
15:27Princess Diana was murdered. It was Prince Philip. What, don't it?
15:29No, that came later. No, no, she said,
15:32Don't try to be perfect, just be honest.
15:35And I can honestly say that every single day of our marriage,
15:38your mother and I have worked very hard to not be perfect, yeah?
15:42We're honest to her fault.
15:43Right, tweedledy and tweedle-twat.
15:45See what I mean? Mm-hmm.
15:47Have you printed out my speech, William?
15:48Yeah.
15:49There it is.
15:50All right.
15:51And big font?
15:52The biggest Jumbo Sands.
15:54Okay.
15:55Wait, wait, wait. What speech?
15:56Oh, it's a little keynote.
15:58You know, nothing special. Tight ten.
16:01Come on, traitor. We don't want to be late.
16:10Sorry, Willace.
16:12How do you cope with his driving?
16:14He's so timid.
16:16It's like getting a lift on a milk float.
16:18To be fair, he is a bad driver, so he's right to be nervous.
16:21You want to feel the steering wheel after he's been on a dual carriageway?
16:23He's dripping with sweat.
16:24So, haven't you got that sorted yet?
16:26Do you remember I told you, you can get your sweaty palms electrocuted?
16:30Because Billy did it to her armpits.
16:31Lovely.
16:32Can we go inside, please?
16:33Because I don't...
16:34Yeah.
16:37Hey, is that dried blood in your hair?
16:39Well, he, um, clonked himself while he was figuring out some of his dad's possessions.
16:44Didn't you?
16:45Hmm. I did, did I?
16:46Yes, you did.
16:47Yeah.
16:48Oh, look.
16:50Oh.
16:51Mum, this isn't going to be over the top, is it?
16:54Harold, it is a simple casino night with a modest request for charitable donations and a short
17:01multimedia presentation.
18:03Well, I'm going to get some air.
18:06Just going to...
18:16Harry!
18:17Harry!
18:18Wait!
18:19Wait!
18:20Are you okay?
18:21I needed some air.
18:22Why?
18:23Is it your head?
18:24Are you feeling sick?
18:25I think I need a bit of time to myself, so...
18:28Harry, you can't even shut the toilet door because you don't like being alone.
18:31What is this about?
18:32I can't.
18:33I can't.
18:34We're a team, remember?
18:35Yeah.
18:36I know.
18:37I know, but...
18:40Tummy to tummy.
18:43Cheek to cheek.
18:45So then, can you really not tell me?
18:50No.
18:52But I can't show you.
18:53Come on.
18:54Wait.
18:55What about your mum?
18:56Oh, sort of.
18:57Get in.
19:02I can't.
19:03Get in.
19:04I can't.
19:05Bye.
19:06Bye.
19:07Bye.
19:09Bye.
19:10Bye.
19:11Bye.
19:13Bye.
19:15Bye.
19:16Bye.
19:17Bye.
19:19Well, that was very...
19:45William.
19:50Yes.
19:51William.
19:52William.
19:53Debbie, do you...
19:55Yes, yes, yes.
20:00Right.
20:02Well, where to start?
20:06In the words of Bob Geldof...
20:09Give me your fucking money!
20:12I think that's what he said, but more Irish and that.
20:16I can't do Irish.
20:18So, to be serious for a moment,
20:21we're here to have a good time,
20:23but we're also here to raise money for a very important cause.
20:28As all of you know, my darling William was a Parkinson's sufferer.
20:34And, er, boy, did we suffer endlessly hearing about it.
20:41No, no, it is a cruel disease.
20:48I've written a proper speech, but it's in my jacket pocket.
20:53Do you mind passing that to me?
20:56Cheers, Geoff.
20:57Lovely.
20:59Right.
21:00Cheers, Geoff.
21:02Lovely.
21:04Alright.
21:05Ahem, ahem!
21:07Ahem.
21:08Ahem.
21:11Ahem.
21:14Oh, my God.
21:18Ahem.
21:19Oh, my God.
21:21Ahem.
21:23Oh, my God.
21:24Ahem.
21:25Ahem.
21:26what's happening i don't know sorry about that i wasn't expecting that font
21:37uh william was dead parkinson's
21:46sorry i don't actually feel like i'm gonna pass out
21:52call an ambulance i've seen this before she's having a stroke
21:58step back please give me air give me air when we first met i was up front about my parents being
22:05mad right where are you going with this just tell me you warned me about their peculiarities yes
22:10and you still married me you had all the data and you still went through with it i took the apple
22:13turns and conditions too don't mean actually look at them but yes i married you not your parents
22:18good because i love you and i may not be perfect no you're not perfect but i am honest oh harry if
22:24this is about you doing poppers in year six i told you i don't care no no it's not it's not it's about
22:28my dad i don't have to say this so i think i'm just gonna say it he's still alive oh love i did have an
22:38inkling we see it a lot at work really i didn't think it'd be that common oh yeah but people get
22:45delayed concussion all the time i mean it can sometimes come on hours or even days no no no
22:49no i'm not concussed well you are but that's why you're being extra weird and in some ways you're
22:55right your dad ain't dead not in here no he ain't dead and he's in there he's in the loft come on
23:03your parents have a loft
23:06it's funny it's not annoying dad dad open up it's me it's harry your son
23:18maybe he's listening to something he has been talking about these noise cancelling headphones
23:23recently no he must be here though he can't leave the house and he'll know we're here because he's
23:28got this little motion system thing that tells him when people are coming down the drive
23:30although we might have thought we're just pigeons pigeons and less
23:34him and my mum have been doing this thing recently where they with his like wolf hat and they creep
23:44up on me unexpectedly they just jump out all right harry i love you okay and you are gonna be fine
23:52but right now we need to face the fact that you are having a not insignificant psychotic episode
23:56right no i'm not i'm not okay no i'm not yeah so if you just keep breathing and if you want to hold
24:01my hand that's also fine you can squeeze it tight oh that is very sweaty all right i'm gonna call the
24:08babysitter no take you to a and e and get your check no i'm not making no caller id oh it could be one of those
24:18scan bots i'm not sure that's our biggest problem right now yeah you're right it might be my dad
24:23hello oh hi billy
24:27what oh my god well yeah of course yeah we will uh we will come now
24:34what's happened it's my mum she they think she's had a stroke
24:39what's going on they think it's severe dehydration
24:49oh thank god so so not a stroke no no i think it all just got too much for you know with the emotion
24:55you're poor mum she puts on a brave face but she's obviously grieving very intensely
25:00you take me home please get in the back
25:04thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you just drive me
25:19female oh god oh god
25:22mum just so you know i've told nahar about dad yeah so i know you didn't want me to but i've done it anyway
25:36mum mum oh harry just leave it no she needs to tell you the truth
25:43i'm sorry should have just gotten checked out by the paramedics back there yeah
25:47excuse me you don't talk about me like i'm a child well don't behave like one then
25:52it's been a long day i just need some rest but for what it's worth i am sorry
25:57you are yes i should have got you to the hospital earlier because you're clearly concussed
26:02this is bad choose your mum it's really really bad you're like a gatling gun of lies
26:07i am not lying harold look i am sorry that your dad has died but we all have to come to terms with it
26:16going on and on at me isn't going to change that now obviously you have suffered a traumatic head
26:22injury but just being rude to me is not going to bring your father back
26:29oh dearie oh there we go
26:35yes evening all just a bit of a squeeze isn't it
26:40anyone want a chunk fruit and nut what are you doing just pop to the petrol station
26:52wait you have to hold her right
26:55you massive twat
27:10you
27:29you
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