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FunTranscript
00:00It's me, Krabs.
00:07You're meant to say the password.
00:13Pimp.
00:14Life.
00:17I'm a loon.
00:24You got it fast.
00:25I saw my cousin in Tesco, so he gave me a lift up here.
00:32No one's supposed to know I'm here.
00:34My cousin doesn't know yet.
00:35Plus, he's got a dodgy left eye.
00:37Shut up!
00:39Where's my change?
00:40There wasn't any.
00:41It cost exactly 20 quid.
00:47Okay, thanks, bye.
00:48Wait there.
00:49What the hell is this?
00:51I told you, pot noodle, cooked chicken, 20 marble reds.
00:55You bought me frozen prawns,
00:59butternut squash,
01:01and a pack of top trumps.
01:04That's all they had.
01:07Could you nick these and keep the money?
01:10No!
01:11I mean, you could check me if you want.
01:13You spent it, didn't you?
01:16Did you go to the fun fair?
01:17No!
01:18Where did you get your face painted, then?
01:20No!
01:25Well, why can't I talk to her?
01:28She's not in.
01:29She's at JazTab.
01:29Oh, shit.
01:30That's on Wednesdays.
01:31Then moved it, because it clashes with gymnastics.
01:33All right, I'll talk to her later, then.
01:34We're going to my mum's.
01:35Tomorrow?
01:36No, look, Tevin.
01:37I don't want you calling here anymore.
01:39What are you talking about?
01:41You should hand yourself in.
01:42And if I do...
01:44What do?
01:44Are you going to bring Jaden inside to see me?
01:47I've got to go.
01:48Tanisha?
01:53Tanisha?
02:05Pimp life.
02:08Whoa!
02:10This is loads.
02:12What's the order for tomorrow?
02:14There is no order for tomorrow.
02:16I'm done.
02:18I'm going home.
02:26No!
02:28I just really like to get into some casework.
02:31He'll be stuck in archives.
02:32After work, Jaden's tonight.
02:33After work, Jaden's.
02:34Yes.
02:35There is a file that they took.
02:36Security plans for the Northern Chronicle.
02:39He was filed on.
02:40He just gave Steve the document.
02:45Oh, my God.
02:45He wasn't a...
02:47And they were working to...
02:48Oh, my God.
02:50This isn't happening.
02:50This isn't happening.
02:51Okay, Dom.
02:52I want you to focus on your breath.
02:53So breathe with me.
02:54Breathe in.
02:55I can't believe Steve played me.
02:57I'm going to kill him.
02:58I'm going to grab his bollocks.
03:00I'm going to squeeze them until they're...
03:03JUMPS!
03:03Okay, this isn't working.
03:05Oh, my God.
03:09What?
03:10Fifteen thousand pounds has just been put into my account from Steve.
03:15Oh, silver linings.
03:18No.
03:19Not silver linings, Kay.
03:21He's trying to make me look like an accomplice.
03:24Yeah, we should get off the street.
03:25I didn't accomplish!
03:27No, you didn't.
03:27There was no accomplice in...
03:29Forty years, Kay.
03:33That's how long double agents get.
03:34They're not going to believe you're working as a double agent, surely.
03:37Are you joking?
03:38They didn't even believe me when Sam's tuna salad went missing from the fridge.
03:41Well, that was you.
03:41Yeah, well, he called me Dombo and it felt racial, okay?
03:44That's not the point.
03:44I still think the best thing for you to do is to own up to what you did fast.
03:49Excuse me.
03:50Hello.
03:51Can I imagine that it's not just up to you?
03:52I'm in this too since you put the vial in my bag.
03:56I'm the one who smuggled it out.
03:57We can sort this.
04:00What do you mean?
04:01Yeah.
04:02We can make this.
04:03Like, it never happened.
04:05Remember what we did for Bright Marsh?
04:07They never saw us coming.
04:09We can do this, Kay.
04:11I will send back the 10K.
04:13The 15K.
04:13I will send back the 15K and we will find this Steve guy.
04:17Oh, I don't know.
04:18And you know what?
04:19I happen to think that agents probably have oopsies like this all the time, right?
04:23Oopsie.
04:25Oopsie.
04:26Don't.
04:26This could be serious.
04:27Really serious.
04:29I doubt Steve took the security plans for Carnival to check parking arrangements.
04:33I know people going.
04:34I'm playing there with my band.
04:36Really?
04:37Do you think you guys are good enough to play in public?
04:38Don't.
04:39I wish.
04:39Look, Kay, even if they do believe us, which they won't, and we don't go to prison, which
04:50we will, we will, we will definitely be fired.
04:53There are people in that place who are just waiting for us to fuck up, that call us diversity
04:59hires.
04:59And you've seen them in the 10K.
05:00And you've seen them in the canteen cave, peering over their spectator magazines.
05:03We can't go back to PCSO and dog shit bins.
05:07Right?
05:08Right?
05:09We can't go back.
05:10Thanks.
05:11Okay, look.
05:12I'm sorry that I put the file in your back.
05:14I shouldn't have done that.
05:16Just give us 24 hours.
05:1824 hours to find Steve.
05:21And if we get nowhere, then we'll come clean.
05:24Come on.
05:26Team day.
05:27What do you say?
05:30I'll get you.
05:31I'll get you.
05:32I'll get you.
05:35Oh, God.
05:36Your hands are really clammy, dude.
05:38Sorry, I'm just nervous.
05:46Hello?
05:47Mr. Darcy?
05:48Okay, I'm not playing hide-and-seek with you today, all right?
05:49I've had a long day.
05:50Come on.
05:51Ah, fuck that cat.
05:52Say another word and you're dead.
05:53You ruined my life, you know that.
05:54We had a good thing going on, Bright Mosh, till you lot came along.
05:55Why?
05:56You got any last words?
05:57Uh, please don't kill me.
05:58Please don't kill me.
05:59I'm sorry.
06:00I'm sorry.
06:01I'm sorry.
06:02I'm sorry.
06:03I'm sorry.
06:04I'm sorry.
06:05I'm sorry.
06:06I'm sorry.
06:07I'm sorry.
06:08I'm sorry.
06:09I'm sorry.
06:10I'm sorry.
06:11I'm sorry.
06:12I'm sorry.
06:13I'm sorry.
06:14I'm sorry.
06:15Please don't kill me.
06:16Bit shit.
06:17No, no, no, no, no, no.
06:18What if I could help you?
06:20I work for MI5 now.
06:23And, and, and, and I'm putting my arse on the line just telling you that, really,
06:26because they're really secretive about that sort of thing.
06:28Bullshit, you work for MI5.
06:29No, I do.
06:30Just check my ID.
06:31It's in my back pocket.
06:32See?
06:33Right there.
06:34Oh, God.
06:35Just...
06:36Yeah, you've got to get right in there.
06:38Yeah, I'm the other one.
06:39It's a bit of a tight pocket.
06:40Yeah.
06:41Got it?
06:42Yeah.
06:43He's going to see MI5.
06:44No, it doesn't, to be fair, because they are really secretive.
06:48But it does say Thames House.
06:50Check that.
06:51Google it.
06:52Google it.
06:53Thames House.
06:54See, I, I work in the archives department and they have everything down there.
06:57You know, what if I was to call up your record and just hit delete?
07:01You know, criminal charges, warrants, late library books, just gone.
07:06Like, for a start, you know?
07:09I swear, if you're lying about this-
07:11No, I'm not.
07:12I'm not.
07:13Give me 24 hours.
07:14I swear that I...
07:15Actually, could you give me 48 hours?
07:17Because I have another thing.
07:19You've got 24 hours.
07:20I did walk into that.
07:21Okay, sure.
07:22Yeah.
07:28Bye, Tevin.
07:29It's been so long, I really missed you.
07:36What do you mean that you can't send it back?
07:38Sorry, madam.
07:39The account details aren't recognised.
07:40Dom.
07:41There is one...
07:42Dom.
07:43It could be that the account's been closed.
07:44Okay, I've been in the queue for 45 minutes, and this is what you've got to tell me.
07:48Why can't you just, like, send a traveller's cheque or something?
07:51Dom!
07:52What?
07:53Julie's 60th.
07:54Yeah, I can't make it.
07:55You've already said you're coming.
07:56Okay, fine.
07:57I'm making a playlist for it.
07:58Sounds great, Dad.
07:59Asking everyone to contribute a track.
08:01Um, Gold Digger by Kanye.
08:03Ooh, Gold Digger.
08:05Bye.
08:06Alexa, play Gold Digger.
08:08Playing Gold Digger by Kanye West.
08:14Morning, kid.
08:16Oh, sorry.
08:18I didn't see you there, Mum.
08:19You lied.
08:20You said the third Percy Jackson book was the best.
08:25The fourth is even better.
08:27Yeah.
08:28Yeah.
08:29You know, you've got...
08:31You've got a love.
08:32A labyrinth.
08:33Yes.
08:34Lift.
08:35Bye.
08:40Dominique.
08:41Oh, Mum.
08:42I'm glad I've caught you.
08:43Caught me?
08:45I...
08:46I didn't...
08:47Do anything, I swear.
08:48I've been reflecting on our conversation.
08:52You're right.
08:53I think you've served your apprenticeship.
08:55As of September, you'll begin training for field work.
09:00Oh, field work.
09:02Right, yeah.
09:04Good luck.
09:07And don't let me down.
09:09I won't, Mum.
09:10I mean, Mum.
09:11Mum.
09:12I won't let you down.
09:14Mum.
09:18I did...
09:19I wondered if I could just...
09:20OK, I'm still going.
09:21Yeah, sure, I'll wait.
09:22Sorry, it's the fungal spores down here.
09:23It kicks off my histamines.
09:24I wondered if I could just still go in here sure I'll wait
09:36sorry it's fungal spores down here kicks off my histamines
09:42what's up yeah so
09:46random question have you ever gotten a friend's criminal record deleted
09:52why on earth would you ask me that I just wanted to understand the perks of the job
10:01perks of the job it's a secret service Dom not JD sports
10:06yeah just I was winding you up
10:10it was a wind up gotcha
10:13I said the thing and you got it you fell for it
10:17it was just better office bans
10:20that's how we do
10:23oh
10:26geez Kate relax
10:32my god you look awful did you have one of your all night praying meetings again
10:36I couldn't sleep
10:37I couldn't have my cockle pops in the morning
10:40Kate just relax nobody knows anything nobody's gonna know
10:44as long as you keep your shit together
10:47now listen we do have another problem
11:08so be chill
11:11Devin is back what
11:14it's a delicious coffee
11:16such such a smooth finish
11:20he was on my street yesterday and he pulled a gun on me oh my gosh
11:24I'm so sorry it must be the way they roast the beans those Kenyan farmers
11:29gotta love the Kenyans and their excellent coffee
11:32should I go in to hide him what if he turns up at my flat or my old place oh my gosh how to put me
11:39you know he actually didn't mention you at all
11:41oh
11:42like nothing I didn't mention at all
11:44it's a good thing if a gun-toting maniac doesn't remember you Kate
11:47no yeah it's just
11:48just thought I made an impression there
11:51anyway
11:52I kind of told him
11:55that I could wipe his record
11:57why'd you say that
11:58because I had to come up with something so my brains weren't splattered all over the street
12:02I live in de Beauvoir okay
12:04do you know what kind of gossip that would cause
12:06dead in de Beauvoir
12:08it sounds like an Agatha Christie novel
12:10what if you
12:11just
12:13tell him you wiped it
12:17yeah just
12:18he's telling me wiped it
12:21and then by the time he finds out the truth
12:22the police have got him
12:23that's
12:24actually a really good idea
12:26yeah
12:27you know what else is a good idea
12:28what
12:29coming clean
12:30I felt the file
12:3124 hours you agreed
12:33so what are we gonna do
12:34where would we start
12:35I have an idea
12:39oh
12:43oh that's rank
12:45Kenyan farming is trash
12:48the facial recognition suite
12:50remember they showed it to us in orientation
12:52if you've got any image of someone
12:54you can cross-reference it
12:55with every database
12:56every sighting
12:57on CCTV
12:58do you know how many levels of clearance
12:59you need to use that place
13:01here let's figure that out
13:03hold the doors
13:07please
13:08okay
13:10I've been looking for you
13:11there you are
13:12now
13:13why did you print
13:14this
13:15I uh
13:20I didn't
13:21oh
13:22well the log says that
13:24you did
13:25the log
13:26of course
13:28there's a log
13:29dumb
13:30because it's
13:31MI5
13:33yeah
13:34um
13:35that was me
13:36uh
13:37my computer was updating
13:39so I used case
13:40oh
13:42don't you work in the base
13:44I do
13:45yeah
13:45I was just thinking of taking the stairs
13:47you know beat the mid-morning slump
13:48and where are you going
13:49oh I've got to reach my step goal
13:51that was too close
13:59it was fine
14:00he bought it
14:01I'm an excellent liar
14:02remember when I told you
14:03Moe was your colour
14:04that was a lie
14:05Moe is nobody's colour
14:06okay
14:06there's a hole in your plan by the way
14:08we haven't got an image of Steve
14:10or his little helper
14:11no
14:12but I know where we can get one
14:15dear god
14:20as me and Dom walk into this pub
14:22no evil shall fall before us
14:24we will be protected
14:25are you praying
14:26right now
14:27someone from my church
14:28once walked into our pub to use the toilet
14:30do you know what he is now
14:31an alcoholic
14:33Anger can
14:35just come in man
14:37you were in here yesterday
14:38and god didn't smite you
14:39jeez
14:40what's up
14:49they said there's no CCTV here
14:51they said the cameras are fake
14:53Tony
14:53bastards
14:54well I guess that's why spies like this place
14:56we can dish it but we can't take it
14:58why can't good things ever happen for me
15:01I mean why
15:02can't good things happen
15:05for Dom
15:06Dom
15:07I've got an idea
15:08let's do a reenactment
15:10a what
15:11yeah come on
15:12it might help you jog your memory
15:13okay I play you
15:14and you play Steve
15:15why can't I just play myself
15:17seriously
15:19do you know
15:21I exposed
15:22a government conspiracy
15:23okay are you doing me
15:25or just all black women
15:26hi
15:30I'm Steve
15:32uh weird
15:32don't remember asking
15:33I find you very funny
15:36and that
15:37is charming in a girl
15:39are you new here
15:41newish
15:41been in nine months
15:42work in archives
15:43but being grossed and devalued
15:44what about you
15:45well I've uh
15:46worked in the night floor
15:47for twelve years
15:48in technical operations
15:50I've been doing a fair bit
15:51of work with the IRA recently
15:52shit
15:52I just remembered something
15:54and seen
15:55he said
15:56he was working with the IRA
15:58and he had a smirk on his face
16:00when he said it
16:01I can't think what the IRA's beef
16:03would be with the Notting Hill Carnival
16:04yeah
16:05unless it's like
16:06oi
16:06Jamaicans
16:07Guinness is our drink
16:08use some other dark liquor
16:09to put your ponchin
16:10no
16:11what else do you remember
16:13well we were bitching about Graham
16:14you know
16:15and boy's legs
16:15yeah
16:16uh
16:17he gave me his number
16:18he left me a voicemail
16:21play it again
16:33the last bit
16:35and turn it up
16:36that's evangelist Ezekiel
16:43Jesus sees us
16:45Jesus frees us
16:46that's his catchphrase
16:47and a blooming good one too
16:48and I don't normally swear
16:49he preaches in the same spot
16:51in Harlsdon
16:51rain or shine
16:52I go past him every day
16:54oh my god Kay
16:55you are a flipping genius
16:57don't fool
16:59but thank you
17:00so we know where Steve was
17:01at
17:01eight minutes past five yesterday
17:03drink up
17:06don't miss
17:06this is a hot supper
17:07no
17:08let's go
17:09it's a hot
17:10I brought my tongue
17:16I brought my tongue
17:17I brought my tongue
17:18come on
17:20stop
17:21walking so far
17:22my tongue hurts
17:23okay
17:23so
17:24we go to Harlsdon
17:25there's bound to be CCTV cameras there right
17:28and if we can just get one good image of Steve
17:30then bang
17:31job's done
17:31nobody needs to know
17:32that we handed over state secrets
17:33to a possible terrorist
17:34evening
17:35oh
17:35jeez
17:37hey
17:37hey Tevin
17:38how did you know that we were here
17:40followed you from work
17:41to make sure your story checked out
17:43well
17:45now you know that it does
17:47you know you can have confidence in the things that we say
17:51she's a straight shooter
17:52did this one always have a list
17:54I remember three
17:55shut up
17:56is it done
17:58I owe a lot of people
18:03a lot of favours now
18:05because of you
18:05maybe wait a few weeks
18:07you know for it to trickle through the system
18:09but yes
18:10yes
18:11it is done
18:12your record is clean
18:14fresh start
18:15don't waste it
18:16or do
18:16you know
18:17I don't care
18:18choice is yours
18:19point is
18:19you're free
18:20and my job is done
18:22what's he said
18:24appreciate it
18:29what's he said
18:32appreciate it
18:33what's he
18:35what pops out
18:36from a corner
18:37like
18:38who does that
18:39who does
18:39that
18:40people of ours
18:41in this time
18:43of hustle and bustle
18:45and austerity
18:47and pandemic
18:48and crisis
18:49I have good news for you
18:51there is a man
18:53that loves you
18:54a man that has walked
18:56like you did
18:57in his own hustle and bustle
19:00and experienced his own crisis
19:02and past
19:03well
19:04they didn't use the term pandemic back then
19:06but
19:07leprosy
19:08was a very big deal
19:10and he was all over that
19:12and do you know
19:13who that man is
19:14Jesus
19:15yes
19:16Jesus sees us
19:18yes
19:19Jesus frees us
19:21this man's a poet
19:23yeah
19:23submission on your own time
19:24we're here to look at CCTV
19:25come on
19:26what about in there
19:30the rope and anchor
19:31we know Steve likes a pub
19:32yeah I don't really want to go in there
19:36and ask questions
19:36that looks like a racist pub
19:38oh
19:38really
19:39just because he's got a St. George's flag
19:41in its window
19:41that's a very lazy generalisation
19:44yeah no
19:47that's a racist pub
19:47which is maybe why Steve was here
19:49oh
19:50oh
19:50camera
19:51up there
19:51there
19:52and you know that's life
19:54because newsagents don't pay back their security
19:56come on
19:57let's bounce
19:57now let me
20:00I wanted 20 bottles of rabbit energy drink
20:03you sent me 20 boxes
20:04okay my bad
20:06but please you've got to take them back
20:07come on Sanjeev
20:09I've been buying from you for 15 years
20:11we went to Euro camp together
20:13does that mean nothing
20:13Sanjeev
20:15bastard
20:16hello sir
20:18are you the owner of this establishment
20:19could be
20:20who's asking
20:21yeah I am D.I. Taylor
20:23this is DC Swift
20:25we would like to take a look at your camera footage from yesterday
20:28outside your shop
20:29we are trying to identify a suspect
20:31I'll need to load the footage
20:33mhm
20:34why didn't you tell me what MI5
20:36because A. you don't tell people you're MI5
20:39and B. we're not meant to be doing this
20:41what time do you want to see
20:42uh 5pm maybe a little later
20:44okay it's no problem
20:45oh um sorry sir
20:46I think you've got a customer
20:48do you want to just
20:48you can just go in front of me
20:49I'm not buying anything
20:51feel the fucking back
20:54whoa whoa whoa
20:55hurry up
20:55cash from the till
20:56come on
20:57alright alright alright
20:58and uh
21:01stick some of the vapes in there yeah
21:02no no no the mango ones
21:04um look
21:06remember these nerds
21:08oh my god
21:09I used to be addicted
21:11come on I'm not fucking about
21:13stick some mini vodkas in there
21:14come on
21:16three times in the last month you've been in here
21:19you think I'm the OTM
21:21well guess what bastard
21:23this time you messed up
21:25because these two are police
21:27arrest him officers
21:29yeah
21:33this is awkward
21:35uh
21:36we are police detectives
21:38but we don't really
21:39do this
21:40sort of stuff
21:40you know we're more
21:41white collar crime
21:43you know
21:43financial misconduct
21:44uh
21:45false accounting
21:45bankers
21:46piddling with interest rates
21:48we're getting on for being ombudsman
21:49really
21:50aren't we
21:50now my concern
21:53with uh
21:54getting in the middle of all this
21:55is that I would be
21:55stepping on the toes
21:56of a fellow colleague
21:58and we know the police
21:59cleeky
22:00bastard
22:07good work
22:11D.I. Taylor
22:13I'm D.C. Swift
22:13D.C. Swift
22:14good work
22:15sir
22:15so that was obviously
22:17a diversionary tactic
22:18so I could
22:18yeah
22:19you know
22:20yeah he could
22:20it's just a thing we do
22:23what was that
22:24oh
22:24Charlie Asker
22:25yeah
22:26suspect is fleeing
22:27west down Harlston High Street
22:29then east
22:31on
22:32Turnpike Lane
22:33we have
22:36you're not police
22:37no
22:37no
22:39no
22:40no
22:40we are not
22:40would you believe
22:43if I now told you
22:44that we were M.I.5
22:46no
22:47that ship's sold
22:48fine
22:48no
22:48no
22:49okay
22:49well okay so we're not police
22:50but we did stop that guy from robbing you
22:52and we really need to look at the CCTV
22:53just for a minute
22:54like please please
22:56we'll do anything
22:56come on
22:57boss
22:58man
22:59don't can you just move a bit quicker please
23:06I'm taking a break
23:08you can breathe when you put it down
23:09come on
23:09I'm out of breath
23:10keep going
23:11keep going
23:11what are we going to do
23:15with 20 boxes
23:16of energy drinks
23:17you know I'll take half
23:18and you take the other half
23:19or better still
23:20you just give me a tenner
23:21and you can take a lot
23:21no I'm not taking any
23:22I've got a thing
23:23well if the thing is band practice
23:25you know you guys need energy
23:26because steel drums are really dull
23:28I'll take one box
23:29fine
23:30well point is
23:31we've got what we came here for anyway
23:33Steve
23:35we are coming
23:37for you
23:39yeah
23:41it's okay you just sit there mate
23:43don't bother helping me
23:44even though I ticked you
23:45you know
23:45a lot of people
23:46are scared to speak out against you lot
23:48because they're afraid of what it will do
23:49so they're rating
23:50well you've seen my rating
23:51I fear nothing
23:53can I help you?
24:12yeah
24:12need to hand something in
24:13the knife amnesty box is
24:15oh
24:15no
24:16no
24:17it's my old uniform
24:19I used to be a PCSO
24:20fit like a glove
24:22got a uniform
24:23I mean
24:24but the job did too
24:27right
24:28you need to let go
24:31I know
24:32you're right
24:34but it's
24:35it's just such a huge chapter of my life
24:38you know
24:38I mean
24:39of the uniform
24:41oh
24:42right
24:44right
24:45yeah
24:45sorry
24:46there they go
24:50there they go
24:51back up
24:53back up
24:54yep
24:55back up
24:56good good good
24:58dry
25:01clean
25:01don't
25:02don't
25:03that'd be her now
25:13Dom
25:13hey
25:14I'm just carrying several hundred bottles of energy drink up the stairs
25:20yeah I thought they'd be good for Julie's party so
25:23you're welcome
25:24just bank transfer me 150 quid
25:27actually you know what I prefer cash
25:29thanks
25:29I'm in the living room Dom
25:31come down
25:32yeah okay
25:33don't offer to help me
25:35will you
25:35I'll offer to chivalry
25:37Dominique
25:38your boyfriend is here
25:41now
25:43more tea
25:44let me top you off
25:46this was
25:47back in 2002
25:50New Yorker
25:51she would not take that
25:53Harry Potter cloak off
25:54oh
25:55hi Dom
25:58hello beautiful
26:00how was your day
26:02I'll just turn this down
26:08I'll just turn this down
26:12I'll just turn this down
26:17I'll just do it
26:31hmm
26:32mm
26:32yeah
26:39mm
26:41all
26:42yeah
26:42Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
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