Mortimer and Whitehouse- Gone Fishing - Season 8 Episode 04- Birley Lake and River Wye, Herefordshire - Perch
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00:00Come on, perch. Big perch. Up we go. Cool, blimey. Bob? Hiya, Paul. Thanks for this.
00:21It's doctor's orders, Paul. Yeah? Well, you could have done it, couldn't you?
00:25Yeah. His pool of bones and his muscles are, let's say, getting tired. He's loving it, isn't he?
00:30Yeah. In a few years' time, I can use it to push you around. Yeah, that's true.
00:35When your bones finally crumble. I brought it to you, Paul. Yeah?
00:40Because the thing that's eluded, evaded us all these years is a big perch.
00:45Many things have eluded us, Bob, but, yeah, you're right, a big perch is one. Go on in, Sid.
00:50Yeah, we've been trying for eight years. Do you realise? Find us a spot.
00:55The water's very browned, have you noticed, Paul? Yeah.
01:14And that's... I don't know if you've seen this Herefordshire soil. Yeah.
01:17It's very brown. Would that be clay? I don't know, mate.
01:21How many of them, Bobby?
01:24I like being amongst the reeds.
01:26Do you? Yeah.
01:28It's quite jungly, actually, isn't it?
01:31What do you know about jungles?
01:33What, my jungle warfare days?
01:36I never told you about them, Bob.
01:38Have you ever been in a jungle?
01:39Have you ever been in a war?
01:41I've been in many wars at home every day.
01:44Right, I'm going to put this out.
01:47Eight years, Paul, we haven't caught a decent perch.
01:49It's a disgrace.
01:51We're trying hard today.
01:53We've got a bait out there,
01:54and we've got two worm float rods.
01:58Got some wild carp in here as well.
02:02This was a monk's stew pool.
02:06What, monk's stew?
02:07Is there such a thing as monk's stew?
02:0912th century.
02:10Take one 12th century monk, slice an onion.
02:16Yeah, so this was a stew pond,
02:18and the monks had carp in it.
02:21And so the carp that are in here now, Paul,
02:23actually their lineage, their genealogy...
02:25Their monk-age carp.
02:27Goes back to the 12th century.
02:29Can you imagine that 800 years of odd they've been in here?
02:37Hey, Sid.
02:38Oh, Bob, look, what's your float?
02:41Right, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
02:42You didn't even know that you had some interest there, did you?
02:51Oh.
02:53Ah.
02:55No, it's the bottom.
02:55Paul, when was the last time you looked at your arse?
03:05Well, like, sort of a full inspection.
03:08Yeah.
03:09All sorts could be going on on your backside, Paul.
03:12You don't look, do you?
03:14No, we don't.
03:15It's a difficult thing to talk about, isn't it, really?
03:18Your bottom?
03:18Yes.
03:19Bob, are you watching your float?
03:22Is it of no interest to you
03:24that it's such a vital part of a man's body...
03:26It is.
03:27..you never look at it?
03:29Well, you can't, can you?
03:30Yeah, you can.
03:32Well, it's difficult, Bob.
03:33You could bend over in front of the mirror.
03:35Yeah, you're better off getting somebody else to look at it for you.
03:38Do you think there's job opportunities there?
03:40Many, there's many jobs.
03:41A bottom-gazer.
03:42Yeah.
03:43Why are we checking for, by the way?
03:46I don't know.
03:46What if someone's drawn on it?
03:48In your sleep, or...
03:50Well, is that the...
03:51Or it's got a growth on it, or something?
03:54Well, yeah, you should get it checked,
03:55but it's probably better to get it checked by a health professional than...
04:00Is that what you want?
04:00Do you want me to...
04:01I might open a little booth in me local pub.
04:07Oh, yeah.
04:08A little curtain and a cubicle.
04:10Yeah.
04:10Bottom check.
04:11How long before you're cancelled and or arrested?
04:15Yeah, but...
04:16Bob Mortimer's bottom check hub.
04:19But...
04:20All welcome.
04:21I should think, I can say...
04:23Simply remove some of your clothing, bend over, and all will be well.
04:28I'll give it a little pat and say you're clear to go.
04:30Yeah.
04:41Shame with Ted Rubbies.
04:52It's prime, isn't it?
04:53It is.
04:54I think he milks it a bit, doesn't he?
04:56Of course he does, yeah.
04:57When we get to the accommodation, I've arranged for a lady to come,
05:00who does, like, doggy massage, because it's his joints.
05:05Oh, that's nice.
05:06That's nice, Bob.
05:08What's that?
05:08Have you...
05:08I mean, he's a bit overweight, you know, which puts a lot of strain on him.
05:12Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.
05:13Oh, what do you think if there's doggy a Zenpug?
05:17Yeah.
05:18Oh, that'll be a thing, wouldn't it?
05:21It would sell well, because these people with the little handbags...
05:23I'll go after you.
05:25I've got it on your bum clinic, and dog Zenpig.
05:29Dog Zenpig?
05:30Dog Zenpig.
05:31Oh, come in.
05:34Is this...
05:34And is this pom-pom here?
05:36It's a dog.
05:38I see.
05:39The pom-pom's so lovely.
05:40So lovely, carrying a little bit.
05:42It's just a tiny, tiny few ounces over.
05:45It's a little bit plump, I think.
05:46Have you thought of this?
05:48Dog Zenpig.
05:49Dog Zenpig.
05:50Na, na, na, na, na.
05:52Would you like me to check your bottom while you're here?
06:05I've got a knock.
06:07You've got a knock?
06:07Yep.
06:09Really?
06:10Yeah.
06:11There it goes.
06:13Yep.
06:13Go on.
06:14Yes.
06:14Yes, I'm in.
06:16Get a net, Bob.
06:19Well, that's not a perch, Paul.
06:21No, this ain't a perch, mate.
06:23So this will be one of the carb, yeah?
06:26It'll be one of the monk's carb.
06:27The monk's carb.
06:30Wow.
06:30And what was that on a bit of corn?
06:32Yeah.
06:33I've got the net.
06:35Paul, it's not big, look.
06:37It's not big?
06:38Well, it's not bad.
06:39It'll be putting up a fight like this.
06:41Look at it.
06:45Got him.
06:46Yep.
06:46Yes.
06:48Whoa.
06:48Oh, ho, ho.
06:49So, since the 12th century, this family's been amazing, isn't it?
06:55Yeah, and look at that scale pattern, Bob.
06:58Look how beautiful it is.
06:59And they're all different.
07:01Like a fingerprint?
07:02Yeah.
07:04Look at that.
07:05Wow.
07:06He's amazing.
07:06Yeah.
07:07Look at this.
07:07They're like oyster shells.
07:09Yeah.
07:09You're putting him back, ain't he?
07:11Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa.
07:12There we go.
07:14All right, beautiful.
07:15And away.
07:16And away.
07:16Well done.
07:17It was great, wasn't it?
07:18Let's celebrate with a bit of lunch, yeah?
07:19All right, mate, yeah.
07:21You can stop if you want.
07:22It'll take us a few minutes.
07:23I'll have another cast or two, Bob.
07:25Okay.
07:25After that, though, I doubt there'll be much to him, but I'll give it a go.
07:29Okey-doke.
07:29All right.
07:30Oh, little toady, off we go.
07:47Boing.
07:48Boing.
08:00Boing.
08:03Boing.
08:03Boing.
08:05Oh, you've smelt it, have you, Ted?
08:09What's that salmon, is it?
08:12Yeah.
08:12It smells nice, does it, doesn't it?
08:14It's not for you, Ted.
08:16Yeah, but it is.
08:18No, it's not for you.
08:19Yeah, but it is.
08:21Do you want a piece of cucumber?
08:24No, I want to go motorcycle event.
08:26When you look at you, you haven't been eating toads, have you?
08:33No.
08:35Was it tasty?
08:36Yeah, it's lovely.
08:37No, no, no.
08:42It's not for you, Ted.
08:44Yeah, but it is.
08:46No, it's not for you.
08:47Yeah, apart from the fact that it is.
08:56Hello, look at you on a little toadstool, like a...
09:07Good spot, isn't it?
09:07...creepy elf.
09:09Oh, give me some images.
09:11Tin salmon, cucumber and strawberry.
09:13Strawberry?
09:14Oh, it's just a punt.
09:15It might work.
09:17What, you mean you haven't even done any research?
09:19No.
09:19You've just thrown a strawberry at it?
09:21Well, it's a season of strawberries, isn't it?
09:23So I thought, why not?
09:26Mmm.
09:28Mmm.
09:30I think it's pretty good.
09:31Yeah, pretty refreshing.
09:32Pretty refreshing, yeah.
09:34What a sandwich.
09:37Do you see the low-flying housemine?
09:41They're coming in really low sometimes.
09:42Look at that, skimming the...
09:44Actually skimmed the surface.
09:49Are you enjoying the fishing?
09:51I am, because there is something meditative about looking at a float, isn't there?
09:55For sure.
09:56Yeah.
09:56Do you know it's an old Confucian thing?
09:58Like, to fish, but don't use any bait.
10:01So you just get in that zone and just watch your float, yeah.
10:06Are we going to move to a different spot, do you think?
10:09Yeah, I think we should move on.
10:10Lovely.
10:10Yeah.
10:13Come on, then.
10:14You do have to keep walking, you know, Ted.
10:17Beautiful.
10:23See, that'll do it.
10:28That's great.
10:34I've got one of these junk books, you know.
10:36What do you mean, a junk book?
10:37You know, what are they called? Self-help.
10:39Yeah, why is it junk to you?
10:40Because no one ever acts on it and it's not scientific.
10:44It'll say something like, live your life with your left eye wider open than your right eye.
10:51Well, it won't, will it?
10:52Well, whatever.
10:53It'll give some of its junk advice.
10:54And it's not falsifiable.
10:57You cannot apply scientific method to it.
10:59Look at your float.
11:00I am looking...
11:02Some people derive, you know, a lot of harm and well-being from self-help books.
11:09There are two types of people, radiators and drains.
11:12Radiators are the people who radiate warmth.
11:15If you've got radiators in your life, you snuggle up to them.
11:18Me?
11:18Yeah?
11:19Yeah, and drains.
11:20On the other hand, do what they say on the tin.
11:23Like energy vampires, they literally suck the energy out of you.
11:26Tell me what you can do with that.
11:28Well, I think it applies very well to us, Bob, doesn't it?
11:31I think I'm more radiate if you'd snuggle up to me.
11:34No-one has snuggled up to your bony, angular, brittle frame.
11:45See, I should do self-help book.
11:48Yeah.
11:48They must sell because there are millions of them, aren't they?
11:50Yeah.
11:51People looking for something.
11:52Yeah.
11:53In the absence of religion.
11:56Everyone needs...
11:57It's because of phones and these books and everything.
11:59There's a terrible tendency for everyone to think
12:01that everyone else's life is better than theirs.
12:03Yeah, that's true.
12:04And I think that causes a lot of trouble with people.
12:07You know, you know me, Paul.
12:09Give, give, give.
12:10I eat pie, I watch the TV.
12:12Yep, that's it.
12:12Simple.
12:13And it's not a great achievement, but...
12:15No, because you've had some accolades in your time, Bob.
12:18I've never had the one I want, though, pie eating.
12:20I was going to say, but if you...
12:21What do you call your book?
12:22Beyond Pie.
12:24Is there anything beyond pie?
12:26I don't know.
12:30Like, I don't know what people are chasing, you know.
12:32Just have the best time you can.
12:34Watch the telly.
12:35Don't feel bad about it.
12:37What if it's rubbish?
12:39Put something else on, Paul.
12:40OK.
12:41I like your style, thank you.
12:43Quiet around here, isn't it?
12:54We'll have to go, in fact,
12:56cos we've got an appointment with Ted's masseur.
12:58Oh!
13:00Oh, all right.
13:03Come on, Ted.
13:04I can't believe we've failed at the end, Paul.
13:06Well, I can.
13:08The elusive perch search continues, Bob, doesn't it?
13:11But we'll try the river tomorrow.
13:13Yep.
13:14Oh, we will, Robert.
13:19It's quite a remote place for staying.
13:21Yeah, nice.
13:22Are you going to give me any clues or not?
13:23Bucolic.
13:24Yeah.
13:25Traditional.
13:26Yeah.
13:26Cosy.
13:27Sylvan.
13:28That's wooded.
13:29Comfortable.
13:30Yeah.
13:30And in the middle of nowhere.
13:32OK.
13:33Nice.
13:33So your screams won't be heard at night.
13:40Ooh, nice.
13:42You like it?
13:42Yeah.
13:43Go on, then.
13:44Let's get in.
13:46Hey, Ted.
13:48Isn't this lovely?
13:49Built in AD 1791, Paul.
13:52How do you know that, Paul?
13:54LAUGHTER
13:54Ooh.
13:57Ooh, it's a cosy little room here, Paul.
13:59Have a look.
13:59Oh, yeah.
14:00I believe they call that a snog.
14:03Where's Ted?
14:03Did we leave him outside?
14:05Teddy!
14:06Come on, Ted.
14:07Bedroom's, Paul.
14:08Come on, then.
14:09Ooh, you all right?
14:11I'll go left.
14:12OK.
14:13I'm, in a nutshell, double bed, low ceiling, very pleasant.
14:17Well, mine's quaint, but I think I'd better take that room, Bob.
14:21No.
14:21You bang all night.
14:28Paul, this is my room.
14:30Please, look, it's a beautiful bed.
14:32I'll come and stand at the bottom of your bed all night like this.
14:34So I would get some tea on, Paul, but we're waiting for Ruth McDonough, who's a canine
14:44masseur, who's going to give Tedder once over.
14:47Ooh.
14:48Do you, have you ever believed...
14:50Had a dog massage?
14:52Have a dog massage you?
14:54Be fun.
14:55Cats do it a bit, don't they?
14:56They do a bit of that, don't they?
14:57My cat does, so I use him to mash me potatoes.
15:01You know, the new couple have moved into your square next to you.
15:05Yeah.
15:05What do they do?
15:06Well, she is an interior designer, and he is an interior designer.
15:12I believe.
15:15And their children were there, do you know what they do for them?
15:19Samantha's an interior designer, and Nigel's an interior designer.
15:26Chin, chin.
15:28Ooh, there's Ruth.
15:30You going to look after her?
15:31Yeah.
15:34Come on, Teddy, come on.
15:36Come on, Ted.
15:36Come on, Mr Ted.
15:37Come on, Ted.
15:39Come on, Mr Ted.
15:40So, is this OK for you?
15:42That's perfect.
15:44Brilliant.
15:44And what are we going to do today, Ruth, we've said?
15:46We are going to give him a nice...
15:49Come on, Ted, move that away.
15:49I'll do what I like.
15:50Who's this bird you've got here?
15:52Taylor, a bit of respect.
15:54I'm only having a laugh at you, Ruthie.
15:56Yeah, be careful, madam.
15:58All right?
15:58I certainly will.
16:00I'm a dog of a certain age.
16:01You know, I have principles.
16:03You are, aren't you?
16:10I'm just being quite gentle, because he's an older gentleman.
16:18Yeah.
16:19You don't want to go in too hard.
16:20So I'm just going down his spine, just gently, either side of his spine,
16:25just to see if there's anything going on.
16:28I'll tell you what, Ruthie's been wonderful.
16:31Oh, you're reaching parts of me that no-one has ever reached before.
16:36Oh, Ted, what do you reckon, eh?
16:41We work, because we work sort of around the spine...
16:44Yeah.
16:45..and up here as well, on the head, on the cranium.
16:48What do you reckon to that, Ted?
16:49Is that OK?
16:51Yeah?
16:52The cerebral fluid that obviously goes down the spinal cord,
16:56goes all the way down here.
16:58Oh, right, OK.
16:58So that ebbs and flows, I think it's six hours down, six hours back,
17:03the same as the tide.
17:04Like a tide?
17:05Yeah, yeah.
17:06God, I never knew that.
17:09Oh, did you see that there?
17:11Ooh, yeah.
17:12God, Ted.
17:13That's tension, isn't it, Ted?
17:16I can't even go.
17:17Good boy, it's OK.
17:20All right, then, Ruth, I'll leave you with your climate.
17:22Bloody good job at home.
17:24See you in a bit.
17:25Cheerio.
17:25Oh, Bob?
17:38I thought I'd come outside, boss.
17:40Ted's lost, he's in the zone.
17:52Does it seem to work?
17:53Yeah, he's like, he's zonked out.
17:55Ooh.
17:56It's just a little snack.
17:57He's in safe hands, isn't he?
17:59Yeah.
17:59Apparently in a previous jump.
18:01Mm.
18:02Oh, there's Ted.
18:07Here he is.
18:08He should be a bit looser for you.
18:10Oh, thank you so much.
18:11He's having a good reverse sneeze there.
18:12Come on, Ted.
18:13Come on, Ted.
18:14Come on, Ted.
18:14Oh, he's one of these.
18:15Come on.
18:24Did you enjoy that, Ted?
18:25Thank you, Ruth.
18:26Cheerio, Ruth.
18:27Hello, Teddy.
18:28Bit clean cracker, don't you, mate?
18:30Yeah.
18:31Shall we take Ted for a walk, then?
18:34Yeah, you want to go for a walk, Ted?
18:35Of course he does.
18:36Come on.
18:37Come, Ted.
18:38Oh, ****.
18:40Sorry.
18:40You all right?
18:41Oh, no, he's got a raving lumber.
18:43Oh, no, Ted, Ted, no, I'll let you go.
18:44No.
18:45No.
18:45Oh, jeez, that's half a pound of cheddar.
18:48Come on, Ted.
18:52Come on, Teddy.
18:52Come on, Teddy.
18:52Come on, Teddy.
19:04Come on, Teddy.
19:04Come on, Teddy.
19:05Hello, Fulchester 123?
19:17What's that? Germany has invaded Poland? I'll go and tell my wife immediately.
19:26Wife? Breakfast, Paul. There you go. There's your
19:33watermelon. Wow, watermelon. I used this little machine. I hope you appreciate that touch.
19:39Well, it has chunked it a bit, isn't it? I suppose, yeah. Have you heard Ted? He's knackered, isn't he?
19:50What is it? Nine in the morning or something? Well, I remember he had his message yesterday.
19:54Teddy, wake up! He's not having it, is he? I'm taking you down to the River Y today, my favourite
20:00river. Yeah. But of course, when you're on the Y, you could catch anything, Paul. Yeah,
20:04that's true. Dream? Yeah. No. Ted, come on. Come on.
20:17It's had a few lean years, hasn't it, the Y? Not in the best condition at times,
20:22but it's always a joy to go there, isn't it? What a place to be. It is glorious.
20:26Oh, it's beautiful. Look at it. Isn't it? God, what a lovely bit. There's a little pool here,
20:50Paul. Yeah. Where I'm hoping the perch may dwell in their thousands. You're going to help me? Yep.
21:01Whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop.
21:06So, I want you to cast just on the edge of the faster waltz. They call it like the crease,
21:16and that's your kind of line to let that float go down and occasionally hold it back a little bit,
21:21you know? But that's good. Hold it back like that every now and then. It makes the bait rise up a
21:27little bit and that's lovely like that. Nicely done though, Bob. Hey, thanks. Yeah. It was.
21:36I'm not patronising you, I mean it. I can't imagine what you say to your angling mates about me.
21:51Lovely. Come on. Oh, you in? No. Look at that. Paul, look at that cow down there.
22:09See the white cow in the river? She really wants something to take on that swim, doesn't she?
22:14No, mate. Do you want to have a go? Give it a go, Paul. Yeah.
22:32It's a lovely atmosphere, isn't it? Yeah.
22:35Yeah. It's a lazy, lazy game. Lazy game, yeah. Plenty of time.
22:56You're so busy, Paul. You are. No, I'm not. You are. You're incredibly busy. Okay.
23:02The busiest man I've ever known. No, I'm not. Yes, you are. I think maybe you're trying to
23:08escape from yourself. Oh, God. Is this your new self-help book? Yeah, I've been reading
23:13my self-help book. Maybe I'm being simplistic, but I mean, imagining a man, you know, they can just
23:20relax, let the river flow past, let the telly produce its goods and they're content. I don't think
23:28you can handle that. I don't think you can handle it. You better go somewhere. You'll go to the
23:33coffee shop. You'll meet someone. You're forever saying, oh, I'm going to this thing tonight. Oh,
23:37I'm going to this. Oh, I went to this premiere of this new Dutch clog musical. Oh, I don't.
23:43I said, what are you going to that for? Dutch clog musical. Yeah, but that sort of thing,
23:47you say, oh, I went to that. Oh, for sure I'm going to the Dutch clog musical premiere. Yes,
23:51my friend. You would. Relax, man. Come live with me, bro. Yeah. And after seven days,
24:01you'll find yourself, your lazy self. Hey, I tell you what, find your lazy self. That's the title
24:09of my new book. Yeah, I know it is. I just gave it to you. I love your new book. Can I have a signed
24:15copy? Come on, I can do this, Paul. Of course you can't, Bobby. There you go, son. Try and keep
24:26that rod as still as possible, Bob. If the fish takes it, oh, he's in. I'm in. Bloody hell,
24:31he's in already. Check me out. Check me out. Get me out of the trees, Bob. It's not massive.
24:37What is it, Bob? Could be a perch. We don't know what it is. It's not barbel. No. Or is it a chub?
24:44I can see it. It's chub, isn't it? Chub? Yeah. Chub. Good chub, mate.
24:51Oh, it's not a perch, Bob. Oh, no. Get in. Oh, no, but a nice chub. Look at that, Bob. Wow.
25:01Look at that. Look at the light shining up there. Beauty. Should we get him back? Yeah,
25:06point him upstream. He's a good old chub, isn't he? Look. And bosh. And he's off.
25:13No way. Look at him go, look. Wow.
25:19I'm kind of funky. You're kind of funky. You're kind of chunky.
25:26You are a monkey. That's for sure.
25:31Brilliant. Well done, Bob.
25:32So, Paul, shall we move on? Maybe try downstream a bit? Yeah, OK. All right.
25:42Come, Ted. Ted.
25:44Get out. I'm foraging.
25:46No, it's not time for foraging. Come on. I'm bloody foraging.
25:51Better out than in.
25:52Better out than in.
25:56Wait, somebody.
26:10Come on.
26:11Better out than in.
26:17Ooh.
26:23A big perch must look magnificent.
26:25I know.
26:27Are we doomed to never catch one, Bob?
26:29That last bite, you know, I think it might have been a big perch.
26:47Well...
26:47Dragged it right along, you know?
26:48Yeah.
26:49Well, you never know.
26:50You in?
26:59Yeah.
27:00Well done, mate.
27:02Don't mind anymore.
27:04Well, it's a perch, Paul.
27:05Yeah.
27:06Wow.
27:09Quite a nice, pretty one.
27:09It's a very pretty perch, Bob.
27:12Thin up, look.
27:13Boy, imagine if we catch a big one, Bob.
27:15Scary, wouldn't it?
27:16And away.
27:20And away, they're so beautiful, aren't they?
27:22They are.
27:24Might be the last one we get, Paul.
27:27Might be, Bobby.
27:30Oh, I don't want to say I'm done, but maybe we should.
27:33What do you think?
27:35Oh, man.
27:36We're cursed, aren't we?
27:39We shouldn't complain.
27:40We've had a good couple of days, haven't we?
27:43We have.
27:43But there's an overriding sense of defeat, Paul.
27:47Which we'll only get over by going to the pub, let's be honest.
27:51That's it.
27:51Hmm.
27:52Drown our sorrows.
27:53Well.
27:56I wouldn't mind a pint, actually, Bob.
27:58And that is what we shall do.
27:59All right, mate.
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