Tales from the Pub (2019) Season 1 Episode 2

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Transcript

00:00He loves them. He's cute, fluffy, and delicious.

00:11I think that poodle's went aft. However, Raymond has found something he can't quite

00:17want and stopping it won't be a walk in the park. Here's a tale of what I like to call

00:23Murder, Muslim. Raymond loved his life. He collected antique porcelain horses,

00:38and he got all the hot gossip off his neighbours. Morning Raymond. Did you hear about Agnes Munro?

00:46Jim caught her playing away, again. But his favourite thing was his little pupper, let's see.

00:53…and taking him for walks in the beautiful park. Those were two things that no one could

01:02ever take away from him.

01:09Shite! This was the fourth tub this week Raymond had popped like a runny egg yolk.

01:17And there was only one person responsible, Siobhan McCafferty.

01:22She still owes me 50 quid, by the way.

01:24And her demon labradoodle, Spartacus,

01:27he decided he was going to put a stock to her once and for all.

01:32Excuse me?

01:34See, if she doesn't, I'll rearrange your face for her.

01:36Excuse me?

01:38What?

01:39What are you saying?

01:40Are you going to pick that up?

01:42What's near your business, is it, pal?

01:44Well, it is my business.

01:46Look.

01:48This shoes are smeared and shite.

01:50You've got a cheek.

01:53Cheek?

01:54Cheek?

01:55I'll show you a cheek when I take your fucking pumpkin eat

01:57and shove it out of my earth and shite it out.

02:00Jesus.

02:02Exactly.

02:03Now go back to wanking our countdown, you rinkly little gobag of a man.

02:06You pick that up or...

02:09Orf it, pal.

02:10Orf it.

02:13No, no.

02:14Oh, no.

02:16He's all completely confident in him.

02:18Don't look, Nipsy, darling.

02:20The shame of it.

02:21The shame.

02:22It's hard.

02:23His legs are brung.

02:26Watch the barricade.

02:31After a cry in a shower and a change of clothes,

02:34Raymond sat and contemplated how to get revenge.

02:37Now, if I were to say witchcraft,

02:40what's the first thing you think of?

02:41Pointy hats and broomsticks?

02:42I know I do.

02:44But that's all changing with more and more people practicing New Age witchcraft.

02:47Joining us today is Ruby Crawford,

02:51who is a real-life sorceress.

02:53And Ruby is going to be sharing some of our very special spells

02:56that you can practice in your very own home.

02:58That's right.

02:59This first one is perfect if you've been wronged

03:03and you want to get revenge on someone.

03:05Not that we're condoning cold-hearted vengeance here at the BBC.

03:09I've got to try it in my explo...

03:11Well, it's very simple.

03:13First, you start with some root ginger.

03:17Then you add a sprig of corn...

03:19Some warm blood from the chicken's face.

03:22Chicken's dog.

03:25And then finally, and most importantly,

03:29something that belongs to the person that you want to curse.

03:33Oh, and what does that do?

03:35Well, that would be telling.

03:38Raymond sloshed his potion around,

03:41cursing not just Siobhan,

03:42but anyone who dared not take their dog shite,

03:45bag it, and bin it.

03:47Well, there we go.

03:50Thank you very much for joining us today, Ruby.

03:53Coming up next, something ironic and unexpected.

04:05Meanwhile, Siobhan has cosied up for the night,

04:08watching corporations of...

04:10You've been framed.

04:13Oh, Christ, was that you?

04:20Oh, that bloody rag.

04:22I should have called you Shatticus.

04:26Oh, what bloody hell is that?

04:28Oh, my God.

04:32Oh, my God.

05:02Ah!

05:04Oh!

05:10Ah!

05:11Oh!

05:13Ow!

05:14Oh!

05:15Ah!

05:18Ah!

05:23Ah!

05:29Ah!

05:32Ah!

05:34Ah!

05:35Ah!

05:36Ah!

05:37Ah!

05:38Ah!

05:40Raymond woke up feeling like a million dollars.

05:43Somehow he knew the part was going to be free from doggy-ass truffles from now on.

05:51Raymond, did you hear about Siobhan McCafferty?

05:54She was found dead this morning.

05:56Caked in shite.

05:58Her lungs were through the stuff.

06:00That's awful.

06:02And so he went back out.

06:04It was a new day.

06:05No shite today!

06:08A new dog.

06:09Come on, baby.

06:19Oh, you naughty dog.

06:21That's a big one you've done today.

06:27Raymond always brought a bag.

06:29He couldn't have not brought a bag.

06:31Surely the cost couldn't have applied to him.

06:34This was the first time he'd forgotten a bag.

06:36Oh, no.

06:37I'll pick it up.

06:38I'll pick it up.

06:39I'll pick it up.

06:40I'll pick it up.

06:41I'll pick it up.

06:42I'll get it.

06:43Don't worry.

06:44I'll get it.

06:45Look.

06:46you're gone.

06:47Ash oh...

06:49Ah.

06:50Ah, ah, ah.

06:55Ah, ahh.

06:57Oh!

06:58Oh!

06:59No, no!

07:00Oh!

07:01No no!

07:02Look!

07:03I'm taking it!

07:04I'm taking it!

07:05No!

07:06No!

07:07No!

07:08No!

07:10No!

07:12No!

07:14No!

07:16No!

07:18Huh?

07:20Huh?

07:22Oh

07:24Ah

07:26Ah

07:28Ah

07:32So when Raymond was fighting for me, he's

07:38The wee dog Mitzi was rolling around in his jobby cupboard corpse.

07:43Life straight down the pan.

07:47So there's your lesson, folks.

07:49Revenge sometimes isn't worth it.

07:52Oh, and don't forget to bring her back.

08:08The wee dog Mitzi was a good one.

08:26The wee dog Mitzi was a good one.

08:30The wee dog Mitzi was a good one.

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