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00:00MUSIC
00:12Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your host for tonight,
00:18Mo Gilligan!
00:20MUSIC
00:40How are we doing, London town? Are you all right? Are you good? Fantastic stuff, man.
00:46So nice to be here at Live Video Apollo in Hammersmith. You're looking fantastic.
00:51Can I get a little woo, ladies and gentlemen?
00:54Yeah, man. Now listen, right, when I started doing TV, 2016, right,
01:00people would often say to me, yeah, they're like, mate, you've only got this job,
01:03you've only won a BAFTA because you're ticking a box. That's right.
01:06Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, you're ticking a box. It's because of diversity.
01:09So tonight, I'm going to give you the most blackest show I've ever given you, OK?
01:14We're going to say all the black words that never get to make it on TV.
01:18Look at all the black people. Right, finally, bro. This is what we've been fighting for, bro.
01:23I might say blood fire. Can I get a woo?
01:26I might even say blood clark. That's right.
01:30You liked that one, didn't you? Oh, gosh, oh, my gosh.
01:32It's like Notting Hill in here, isn't it?
01:35And if you're lucky, I might even give you a bumba clark. Can I get a...
01:40South Londoners are loading out the invisible gun that...
01:45Yo, blood, hurry up, hurry up. Hurry up.
01:48Listen, when I first started doing TV, yeah, because this is the gun finger, yeah?
01:52If you're not familiar with this, this is what we call a gun finger, right?
01:55Now, sometimes you get a negative connotation that comes with the gun finger.
01:58Do you know what I mean? You know? You get a negative connotation, man.
02:01But that's not true. You can use it for the positive, my friend. Do you know what I mean?
02:04What's getting on, bruv? Happy birthday. You can do stuff like this.
02:08You can use it for the sad. Oh, what's getting on, Jerome?
02:11Oh, bro, my dog died. Oh, I'm sorry to hear about that, man.
02:13Yeah, man, but it's all right. Listen, he's going to be looking down for you on heaven.
02:16Do you know what I mean? Ruff, ruff.
02:18You can do stuff like this with the gun finger, yeah?
02:22Listen, the South London comes out, yeah, at times where it shouldn't come out for me, yeah?
02:27I go to church, people, yeah? I go to Hillsong in Golders Green, right?
02:31And that's not a place where we should have a gun finger, madam.
02:34We should not have gun fingers, right?
02:35But when the spirit is inside you and a pastor said,
02:38if you can feel Jesus Christ, put your hands in there.
02:41I'm like, don't know. Oh, whoops. Oopsie.
02:45But no, I love living in London, man.
02:47You know, there's a recently, there was a debate.
02:50I don't know if you guys are familiar with this.
02:51There was a debate recently and they said,
02:53is London safer now or was it safer 10 years ago, right?
02:57No, I don't know. I don't know. I think London is safer now, personally.
03:01Do you know what I mean?
03:02Because we don't really have crime.
03:03You know, especially in central London where we are right now.
03:05There's no real crime. Do you know what I mean?
03:07You know, don't get me wrong.
03:09We get some pickpocketers. We get some pickpocketers, yeah?
03:12But the beautiful thing about living in this city, yeah?
03:14Londoners, we will mind our business.
03:16That's what we would do.
03:17We will see someone getting pickpocketed.
03:19And instead of speaking up, what do we do?
03:21We go, bro, let me hold my phone a bit tighter.
03:23Bro, they're really out here stealing.
03:26Like, I don't know if you guys have seen,
03:28they've got this one lady on TikTok.
03:30Have you seen this woman?
03:31Attention out there, it's pickpocketed!
03:32Have you seen this lady?
03:34This snitch, let people pickpocket in peace.
03:40The most recent crime I see in central London is phone snatching, yeah?
03:45That's the real crime, yeah?
03:46Look at some of you right here.
03:47You know, some people got the little thing on their wrist and stuff.
03:50You know what I mean?
03:51Got your phone, connect to your wrist like a briefcase in Ocean's Eleven.
03:55Do you know what I mean?
03:56You know?
03:57I don't know, man.
03:58Listen, I kind of like the phone snatches.
04:00You know why?
04:01Because that's a man who says,
04:02I'm going to rob and steal at 2pm.
04:05Do you know how crazy that is?
04:07That he puts on a balaclava at 2pm and snatches your phone.
04:11But he doesn't do it on foot.
04:13He doesn't do it on foot.
04:14He does it on an electric bike.
04:16The fact that your phone just goes whoop,
04:19and you can just hear the bike going...
04:24That's a man who says,
04:25you know what?
04:26I don't care about society.
04:27I don't care about society.
04:29And you say, why?
04:30You know, because I don't.
04:31I'm here to rob and steal.
04:32I don't care about society.
04:34What do you care about?
04:35My carbon footprints.
04:36Let me just load up this bike.
04:38But this is the top tier of comedy people, yeah?
04:45This is live at the Apollo, ladies and gentlemen.
04:47This is the highest that you can get when it comes to doing comedy.
04:51You know?
04:52And I'm so pleased tonight to be able to host.
04:54I really, really am.
04:55You know, when you first start doing comedy, people say,
04:57mate, what you want to do?
04:58You know, you want to get on live at the Apollo.
05:00You're like, I will, man.
05:01Why are you talking like Ray Winston?
05:02Why are you talking like this, man?
05:04And here I am.
05:06You know, I've been able to do this before.
05:08But life wasn't like this.
05:09This was not my comedy journey, ladies and gentlemen.
05:11I started doing comedy on the black circuit, right?
05:14That's right.
05:15You have two circuits.
05:16You have the mainstream circuit and the black circuit.
05:18Now, the mainstream circuit is very different, right?
05:20Because you have comedy clubs that run from Monday to Sunday.
05:25On the black circuit, we normally get about four shows a month, right?
05:29Dotted around different parts of London.
05:31You know how I came out earlier on, people?
05:33And I was like, ollie, ollie, ollie.
05:35Oi, oi, oi.
05:36I tried it.
05:37Done a show in Halston.
05:39I came out so much confidence.
05:41I was like, hey, what's up?
05:42Ollie, ollie, ollie.
05:43One guy at the back was just like, suck your mum.
05:48It was awkward.
05:49My mum was there.
05:50She's laughing.
05:51I'm like, what are you laughing for?
05:52I was talking about you.
05:55Couldn't do any kind of crowd work.
05:57Because crowd work is huge now for the comedy community.
06:00You know, there's comedians out there that do crowd work now.
06:03You can put it on Instagram, YouTube.
06:05Your clip can go viral.
06:06You can even tour off the back of crowd work.
06:09It's sensational.
06:10Now, in the black community, especially at black comedy shows,
06:12we don't do any crowd work.
06:14You know, but I thought, let me break the mould.
06:16There was, let's say, there was someone where you were sitting,
06:18madam, right?
06:19And this lady had a cross on.
06:20I thought, perfect.
06:21I go to church.
06:22I can connect with this lady.
06:24She's a woman of God.
06:25She's not going to judge me.
06:26I said, hey, what's up?
06:27I see you.
06:28You got the cross on.
06:29This woman looked at me.
06:30She was like, big man, do the jokes.
06:35I was afraid for my life.
06:36I was like, why is your voice so deep, Chantelle?
06:38Your voice is deep.
06:39But doing this job is great.
06:44It pays very well.
06:45You know, it pays very well.
06:46And some people ask me, and they say,
06:47Mel, you're doing all right for yourself now.
06:48Let me ask you something.
06:49Does money change you?
06:51I said, what?
06:52Money change me?
06:53Does money change me?
06:55Of course, 100%.
06:57100%.
06:58No, money doesn't change you.
06:59Money makes you curious.
07:00I think that's what I believe.
07:02I think money doesn't change you.
07:04It makes you curious.
07:05Because we didn't grow up with a lot of money.
07:06We grew up poor.
07:07We didn't know we grew up poor until you kind of come home,
07:10and you get a poor meal.
07:11You know, that's when you come home,
07:13and your mum cooks corn, beef, and rice.
07:15And that's when you come in for a long day of school,
07:18and you're like, oh, we're fucked.
07:20There's no money.
07:22Now, when you're 10 years old,
07:23you don't understand what it's like to be poor.
07:25You know, asking my mum for a pound.
07:27I'm like, mum, have you got a pound?
07:29My mum would say things, and as a child,
07:31you take it literally.
07:32You take it to heart.
07:33I was like, mum, have you got a pound?
07:34My mum's like, listen,
07:35I don't have two pounds to rub together right now.
07:38I was like, you ain't got two.
07:39Look at the sofas.
07:40Why are you watching Rikki Lake and Kilroy?
07:42Let's find some money here, man.
07:44How ain't you got two?
07:45You got three kids, a house.
07:47How do you have two pounds to rub together?
07:50Actually, furthermore, where is my child support?
07:53Where's that money going?
07:54Where's that?
07:55Because that's what we do when you grow up.
07:57You're like, where did the child support money, mum go?
07:59Where's that?
08:00Buying Lamborghini and cigarettes.
08:01What do you mean?
08:02Where's the money?
08:04But growing up poor teaches you a lot about life.
08:06You know, buying name brand food.
08:08We didn't even get to go to name brand supermarkets growing up.
08:11Because I believe there was a league table.
08:13You know, you had your Sainsbury's, you had your Tesco,
08:15you know, you had Morrisons.
08:17Back in the day it wasn't called Morrisons,
08:18it was called Safeway, yeah?
08:20That let all us poor people know this is the safe way to shop, okay?
08:26I didn't get to go to any of these supermarkets.
08:28I went to a supermarket called Quicksave.
08:30Do you guys remember Quicksave?
08:32Quicksave, don't woo.
08:34Listen, Quicksave.
08:36Quicksave was horrible.
08:37Do you know why?
08:38I'll tell you why.
08:39Because Quicksave had their own branded food, right?
08:41Now, and some branded food, they would call it essentials, yeah?
08:44Do you know what Quicksave called it?
08:45No frills.
08:46Do you know how fucked up that is?
08:48That's it, you're so poor.
08:50There's no frills in this food, yeah?
08:52We would buy beans.
08:54We didn't know if they were baked beans, kidney beans, runner beans.
08:57We didn't know what beans these were, yeah?
09:00We didn't have no branded food at all.
09:02And that's okay.
09:03You know, you grow up until you go to a friend's house
09:05and they have branded food.
09:07You know, I went to one of my middle-class friends' house,
09:09you know, they was like,
09:11Mo, Mo, would you like some Ribena?
09:13I said, yeah, I love some Ribena.
09:15He took out a carton of the fridge.
09:17I said, Pierre, bruv, we're both going to get beets.
09:20What are you doing, bruv?
09:21Put that carton back.
09:23You know, he gave me the juice, he poured it up to the top
09:25and then he was like, Mo, Mo, would you care for a biscuit?
09:29I said, I love a biscuit.
09:30He had a biscuit tin.
09:32I said to myself, if this boy pulls out a chocolate McVitie's biscuit,
09:36I'm going to slap his mum in the chest.
09:38There's no way.
09:40We didn't have any branded food, even biscuits.
09:42We didn't have any branded biscuits.
09:44We grew up poor.
09:45We had biscuits called broken biscuits.
09:48Are you guys familiar with what broken biscuits are?
09:51These are the biscuits that are like hobnobs that are broken.
09:55Pink wafers that are blue.
09:57You've just got all the injured biscuits.
10:00A custard cream with no custard.
10:02Yeah?
10:03The bag was five kilograms.
10:05Like, I used to think, how does the factory work?
10:08Like, is it just like two guys that work in a factory
10:10just sweeping up all the biscuits?
10:13And they're like, listen, we can't sell those.
10:15They're like, no, no, sweep them up, sweep them up.
10:17It's all right.
10:18Mo's mum will buy these.
10:24But no, money doesn't change you.
10:25It makes you curious.
10:26Even for where I'm at in life,
10:28I'm able to, you know, earn my own money,
10:30have my own living, you know.
10:31I started finding out secrets, though,
10:33when you have money, you know.
10:35Now I go to the top-tier supermarkets, yeah?
10:37I'll be going Waitrose.
10:38Hey, listen, middle-class white people,
10:41why did you not tell us about Waitrose?
10:42There's no security in there.
10:45Hey!
10:46Day one, I was stealing!
10:48On the self-checkout.
10:50You can't steal on the self-checkout.
10:52You go Tesco, you try to steal, boop,
10:54they got a camera there.
10:55Bow, it's right there.
10:56You can't steal nothing.
10:58Day one, I was like, boop, one for the bag.
11:00Boop, one for me.
11:02Boop, one for the bag.
11:03Boop, one for me.
11:05You try it out in one of these supermarkets now,
11:07you know.
11:08Seek assistance, yeah?
11:10The light is flashing.
11:12Now you've got to pretend like you weren't trying
11:13to put fresh mangoes in your pocket.
11:15They're bulging out.
11:16He's like, oh, excuse me, I don't know what's going on.
11:19I don't know what's going on.
11:20And then this guy comes over.
11:22I don't know what piece of paper he has when he comes and he goes,
11:26it's all right, it's okay, boop, I steal the mangoes too.
11:29You're like, what?
11:30I wasn't stealing the mangoes, bro.
11:35Look at some of you like, yeah, I steal the mangoes as well,
11:37you know, yeah, yeah, yeah.
11:40It's different when you go to some of these middle class
11:42establishments, man, especially going Waitrose.
11:44I started buying middle class food, man.
11:46Do you know what I mean?
11:47Because I know the entry level, you know, when you're middle class
11:49is quiche.
11:50That's where you start.
11:51I started off at quiche.
11:52You know, I'm not just getting the ham and cheese quiche.
11:55You know, I'm experimenting.
11:56I'm getting spinach quiche, you know.
11:59And then I thought, rah, what's this bread that everyone
12:01keeps talking about?
12:02Sourdough.
12:03Oh, my God.
12:05Why didn't you guys tell black people about sourdough?
12:08This stuff, at first, it's disgusting, black people.
12:11At first, sourdough is disgusting because sourdough,
12:14I'm like, what in the ancient Roman bread is this?
12:17After one day, this bread is like, no, I'm so hard.
12:21I'm not moving.
12:22I'm not moving.
12:23It's the hardest bread you've ever felt in your life.
12:25You ever tried to cut some sourdough, my friend?
12:27You ever tried cutting sourdough?
12:28You're just there, zzzz, zzzz, zzzz, zzzz.
12:32Then I asked one of my friends, man.
12:34I said, Windthorpe, let me ask you something, bro.
12:40Why do you lot think I don't have friends like Windthorpe?
12:42Why?
12:43You lot looked at me like, nah, that's Jerome, bro.
12:45They don't know no Windthorpe.
12:47I said, bro, let me ask you something.
12:50Sourdough bread, I don't get it.
12:52I don't get it, man.
12:53You know?
12:54And he said to me, he's like, no, no, no.
12:56No, no, no.
12:57What you've got to do, you've got to get the sourdough,
12:59cut a thin slice, and then you toast it.
13:01I thought, oh, OK.
13:03I thought, all right, cool, I get it now.
13:05I was like, I tried to make a sandwich, man.
13:06I was chewing this bread for days, man.
13:12He goes, no, you have to toast it.
13:14You've got to toast it.
13:15So I did.
13:16I started toasting it.
13:17And then I was like, OK, cool.
13:18What do I put on it?
13:19Like, flora butter?
13:20He started laughing.
13:21Flora butter.
13:25Oh, my gosh.
13:26You're really showing where you grew up, don't you, man?
13:28You're really showing where you're from, aren't you?
13:30I said, what do you mean?
13:31What do I put on it?
13:32And then I discovered Lurpak.
13:35Oh, my God.
13:37That stuff is delicious, you know?
13:39Hey, do you know how good Lurpak is?
13:42Listen, if I could invest, I would sell my house
13:44and put all the stocks in Lurpak.
13:47This is the nicest butter ever invented.
13:50I can see some middle class people like,
13:52hold it down, Mo Killigan.
13:53This butter is delicious.
13:55It's so nice.
13:56Listen, it's expensive.
13:57Don't get me wrong.
13:58Nine pounds for butter.
13:59Oh, my God.
14:01I was like, listen, I don't know if I can afford this.
14:03Look at some people right now.
14:04Okay, calm down, Bill Gates.
14:05This is some expensive butter.
14:07But it's delicious, man.
14:09Oh, my God.
14:10I don't waste any drop, boy.
14:11I'd be like, you know, when you get the sides,
14:12I'd be like, listen, man, you might not feel the butter,
14:14but, you know, I put a little bit on my elbows.
14:20The best thing my money's ever done for me, you know,
14:23and I don't mean to say it in a way to show off,
14:25is probably improve my health.
14:27You know, when I say my health, my mental health as well.
14:30You know, I started going to therapy.
14:32Therapy's one of the best things ever.
14:33I try my best to promote therapy.
14:35You know, especially young men as well, man.
14:37Try your best to go to therapy.
14:38Do you know what I mean?
14:39You know?
14:40You can clap at that if you want.
14:41It's up to you.
14:42It will look.
14:43Oh, thank you very much.
14:47Nah, I try my best to go to therapy, man.
14:50Therapy's interesting, though,
14:51because the reason why I say it's interesting,
14:53I grew up in a community where we don't like sharing
14:57what's going on in our life.
14:59Do you know what I mean?
15:00Like the barbershop, the hair salon.
15:01That's where you kind of find out what's going on.
15:03You know, that's where the gossip really starts.
15:05You know, I could never have heart-to-hearts with my dad.
15:08My dad came over here in the 70s by himself,
15:11moved to Brixton, had to fight racism, you know,
15:14as a Rastafarian, you know, trying to tell my dad,
15:16hey, dad, listen, man, you know,
15:18I'm thinking of going to therapy, you know,
15:20opening up, trying to do better for my mental health.
15:22You know, my dad just looked at me and he just said,
15:24why are you gay?
15:26I was like, what is...
15:28What is wrong with you? You're so childish, man.
15:30You're so childish.
15:32How do you even know that joke?
15:34How do you know that?
15:36I went to therapy, my friend.
15:40I loved going to therapy, man.
15:42It's very hard at first, though, to open up.
15:44Very, very hard.
15:45You know, my therapist would say, Mo,
15:47you seem like you're holding back.
15:49I said, I'm not holding back, man.
15:51You know, she goes, open up.
15:52How do you feel?
15:53I said, I don't know.
15:54And then she tried to, you know, she tapped into me.
15:56And this was quite weird, man.
15:57She was like, does your job make you feel like a superhero?
16:00And I said, oh, okay, analogies.
16:02I love analogies.
16:03I said, it kind of does a little bit.
16:05She goes, go on, expand.
16:06I said, well, listen, man, doing this job,
16:08it can make you feel like Batman.
16:10It can make you put on the cape, go at night,
16:12be the crusader, make everyone laugh.
16:14I'm going to lift up the spirits.
16:15But, you know, daytime, I go back home.
16:17I'm Bruce Wayne.
16:18I take off the mask.
16:19And I'm eating sourdough and Lurpak.
16:21And she goes, how does that make you feel deep down?
16:25I said, I don't know, you know.
16:26Makes me feel a little bit down.
16:28She goes, it's okay.
16:29This is a safe space.
16:30Open up.
16:31Tell me how you feel.
16:32Now, the problem is, when you go to therapy,
16:34one, you're paying for it.
16:35So you do have to be very, very open.
16:37And two, you're on the clock.
16:38Now, I didn't know this, right?
16:40So I start opening up.
16:41And she goes, no, it's a safe space.
16:42It's okay.
16:43I said, listen, I do feel really, really depressed.
16:45I feel like sometimes I have a community on my back.
16:48And having a community on my back means that I have to be,
16:51you know, very, very, you know, sometimes black, black, black on TV,
16:54but then sometimes not too black enough.
16:56Do you know what I mean?
16:57So sometimes I'm in this weird juxtaposition place.
16:59And that can sometimes make me feel depressed.
17:01You know?
17:02And she goes, see, that's where we are.
17:03But do you feel depressed?
17:05And I said, rah, I actually do feel depressed.
17:08And she looked at me and she goes, well, that's time.
17:12I said, bruh, put the money on the fucking clock.
17:15Are you serious, bruh?
17:19But listen, we have a fantastic show for you lovely people tonight.
17:23Is that all right, people?
17:25So about clever and do.
17:28Can I get the claps?
17:29Can we bring it up a little bit more?
17:31A little bit lighter?
17:32A little bit lighter?
17:33Please, welcome to the stage, Laura Smith!
17:55Thank you, thank you.
17:56And how are you all doing, Apollo?
17:58You all had a good day?
18:00You all had a good day?
18:01I am.
18:02I've had a bit of bad news.
18:05It's worse than that.
18:07Listen, I've been doctors.
18:11I had my BMI checked.
18:13It turns out I'm too short.
18:17We're just processing that as a family.
18:23I keep finishing the kids' dinners.
18:24Do you do that?
18:25I say, I hate waste.
18:26I hate waste.
18:27I never finish their salad or broccoli.
18:29Just sort of eating chicken nuggets over the bin.
18:31I've got three children.
18:32I've got a 23-year-old, a 10-year-old and a 7-year-old.
18:36Yeah, different dads.
18:37Fuck off.
18:38But the...
18:39Parenting's changed, though.
18:40It's all changed.
18:41It's all gentrified now.
18:42Parenting's been gentrified.
18:43They all do this gentle parenting.
18:44Have we heard of this gentle parenting?
18:46Right, I'll explain.
19:00For them that don't know, gentle parenting is where a middle-class woman is getting beaten
19:06up by her son called Oscar.
19:11says to Oscar is I know you've got big feelings that's it that's all she says
19:17and my kids wouldn't dare because you know who else has got big feelings
19:21mommy mommy's got big feelings because she drank a bottle of Sauvignon Blanc
19:26last night she can't control this eyeball so get your bloody shoes on
19:32East London's changed but the gentrification it gets to you it gets
19:36you it gets to your kids I talk like this my family talk like this I won't
19:40lie to you my eldest she kind of she kind of talks like this she's a bit
19:46like rah where's my back here I thought I want to break her jaw for her if I'm
19:52honest the thing is like she kind of said they all do all these young people the
19:58thing is when they're little you can delude yourself you're doing quite a good
20:00job you know but they emerge into those late teens early 20s and you do look at
20:05them and think oh I might have raised a prick yeah
20:11she kind of says everything like she just invented it and she's just checking
20:15you're on board you know she says I'm just gonna go upstairs
20:21like to bed I'm like yes there's better pay for both of them jog on enjoy
20:28yourself I'll tell you what she talks like have you ever heard rich American
20:34women order in a restaurant they act like they're the first people people have
20:37nodded they're like they're the first people to ever think of doing that they
20:41go to the waiter I think we're all gonna have the burrata
20:47like the waiters gonna go you what you know what's going on with burrata by the way
20:53what's the essence burrata come from I love it don't you love it probably mugging off
20:57mozzarella innit it's like I'm in there clear off mozzarella should have made up
21:02its mind it's like are you plastic grated cheese or are you just in a little wet
21:06ball bag what are you mozzarella because burrata knows and I love it I'm here now you rubbery
21:14little freak you know I mean it's kind of done what Prosecco done to Carver about 20
21:20years ago do you remember that I'm the 10 pound fizz now imagine bringing Carver to a dinner party
21:28nowadays you'd get shot wouldn't you yeah that's how she talks and I'll tell you what my daughter
21:35she knows the rights lads feminism we've won like we've won feminism's won these young women they
21:41need knocking down a peg or two I'll tell you that much she knows all right it's my god does she know
21:46all right it's what I'm telling you all right I found weed in her bedroom long story short I
21:51apologize to her it's like oh my god you've actually breached a boundary you've actually breached a boundary
22:01and now I feel emotionally unsafe in my own home well done you you're toxic I said well babes I feel
22:11stoned I'm sorry we'll have to talk about it later they're funny isn't they and I think the big and
22:19spoil I tell you what the little ends are worse the little ends are worse I took my kids to Disneyland
22:23recently thanks so patronizing who's done Disneyland I thought I was gonna be cynical about Disney took the
22:34kids they wanted to go but something happens when you get into Disneyland I'll tell you what you see
22:38that purple castle you lose your mind you go full Disney then yeah there's doughnuts shaped like Mickey
22:45Mouse nine euros I'm like yes please five of them what do you want kids you just go full Disney and
22:52then Mickey will appear on a balcony and it's like they've announced the new Pope you're like Mickey
22:57Mickey look at me Mickey look at me elbowing just the wish kids out the way Mickey he waved at me you
23:08totally forget it's just some French prick in a suit that hates you
23:11and I like to play a game at Disneyland you can do this you can have this game it's a lot of fun I
23:18like to guess the nationality of people because they're people there from all over the world and
23:22it's quite fun guessing the nationality like a whole family will rock up you know calf tattoos no teeth on
23:29the tins nan in a mobility scooter you're like I'll thank God some English and then they'll be like Spanish or
23:37something you're like hello cultural appropriation much we invented that look you do you just lose
23:43your mind at Disney you just do too much you go full Disney too much merch it's like Christmas that's
23:48what it's like you know when you just eat too much drink too much spend too much then January comes and
23:54you think that's what happens at Disneyland and then you get back on the Eurostar and it's like
24:01the scales fall away you know you sort of free grand in a stoop looking over at your husband still
24:07with the ears on thinking oh I will never shag you again you know right we're all mates now so I'll
24:18tell you I've hit a menopause so I'll tell you what menopause is like it's like being gaslit by your own
24:26body that's what it's like you know when you're due on and you're mad dog you know when you're mad
24:32dog when you hate your partner you hate yourself you hate everyone at work but you're paranoid they
24:36hate you and you feel weird sick anxious guilty and in the end you phone your sister and you instantly
24:41regret it because now she's got something on ya and the next day you get your periods and you go oh
24:45and you've got to try and be cute if your other half again like oh shut up obviously I weren't gonna
24:56leave the kids shut up I know but was I snarling and throwing things like in a pants weight but he
25:05can't answer because he's still hiding behind a bin lid with oven gloves on I'm telling you now that's
25:10what the menopause is like all the time all the time and that's why it's like being gaslit by your
25:16own body because you've got all this rage you've got all this rage and you don't know if the rage is
25:20hormones or if your husband is in actual fact a stupid bloody useless prick that never bloody listens
25:26I don't know I don't know and then the hot flushes you got the hot flushes boy these are insane
25:36they're mad didn't they they're mad that's what it is they feel like embarrassment all of a sudden
25:41you're red you're sweating you're hot you know it feels like embarrassment but I've got a theory
25:45right that it ain't hormones it is embarrassment listen it's delayed embarrassment it's flashbacks
25:52from your 20s all the men you wasted time dating when you had a fully functioning fanny oh my god I paid
26:04for the cab open a window oh my god he moved his lips when he read oh he stepped under a duvet with
26:13no cover on it oh yeah white stuff gathering there he pronounced it pacifically and that's
26:24the way it's coming back to haunt you that's what's going on but listen there's another symptom I don't
26:28know if you're there yet but I'm there and I want to tell you all about it because it's coming for all
26:32you bitches okay and I did not know when it happened to me I was so shocked when it happened
26:38to me I learned about it in school I'd not read about it in books Oprah hadn't mentioned it not
26:42even Davina McCooler talks about it she talks about bloody everything doesn't she they off Davina anyway
26:47I digress it's coming for all you bitches right and here it is vaginal dryness listen I can't run for a
26:57bus I'd start a fire no listen it's hazardous down there hazardous they won't let me in California it
27:04is hazardous down there right and it's not as if before it happens you're walking about all cocky
27:09like yeah I'm sopping wet but when it goes it's like I thought my dog eating something spicy I was
27:17chasing it around the kitchen and again listen that is meant meant to be hormonal but recently my
27:26husband has started wearing crocs so that could be shutting up shop down there couldn't it that could
27:32be snapping shit shut he swore blind he just got him to do the gardening but I've seen him do the
27:38school running them and I'm a bit of a face now so I'm like you get back here I put a strepsel up there in
27:45the end it affects everything yeah me and my husband been together 13 years we went away for
27:57our anniversary we had a spa break listen you can woo but I'm telling you now once you're over 40 even a
28:04spa break ain't that sexy you know you're both naked in the hot tub and he's scrotum keeps floating to
28:10the top I shit myself what someone else was in there I'm trying to lean in for a kiss get all cute
28:17turned into soggy whack-a-mole it was ridiculous listen I'm not here to insult my husband's body
28:30he's a good man I'm not look time and gravity and carbohydrates and saturated fats they affect us all
28:36is what I'm telling you Apollo and I'm I'm aware of my own body limitations I'm wearing my own body
28:41limitations you know I'm what I'm saying I do not expect oral sex from my husband I don't he's a good
28:49man he's a good you know after three kids it's more like a bush tucker trial honestly I couldn't bear to
28:57see his face afterwards or moist and haunted you know man get a look in his eye I might never leave him
29:03and look he's willing to go down there of course he is he's a feminist but I but I don't relax you
29:10know when he goes down there I go I look at him the same way I'd look at a plumber come to fix an old
29:16washing machine you know I know it's not gonna be good news he goes down there best will in the world
29:23hammering away phoning his mate see if he's ever seen anything like it yeah you alright tone yeah it's a
29:31bigger job than I fall and I'll get more awkward I'm like yeah you alright down there do you want a
29:42cup of tea oh sorry you're on the phone you know it just gets weird
29:46but listen I've been Laura Smith you've been absolutely amazing enjoy your night thank you very much god bless
29:59show your love and your energy to Laura Smith everyone yeah man alright so I'm introducing to your next comic please let's get the
30:15clap starting from up here
30:17let's get it a little bit louder and make some noise for Josh Peele
30:22hello Apollo good evening
30:36thank you so much for having me feeling good
30:39I'm feeling good I'm trying to be a good person this year 2025 is the year that I start calling my toxic male
30:48friends out for their poor behavior you think that's a good thing to do absolutely do you guys know what love
30:56bombing is if you don't know love bombing is when somebody bombards their partner with affection and
31:01creates like a weird power dynamic well I sadly caught a good friend of mine doing this a couple
31:05of weeks ago we're all out together and he starts making all these promises in front of everybody to
31:09his partner says we've got to take care of her and look after her I thought that's strange and then later in the day this guy gets up he does a speech about how much he means to him
31:17I was never going to leave her and it was hard for me to do but I actually took him to one side I was like listen mate what you're doing here it's not cool it's actually very toxic it's a form of abuse it's called love bombing and that was hard for me to do he got really defensive started saying it was his wedding day and all this
31:30I had to call it out I'm at a lot of weddings at the minute to be honest with you I think it's my age I'm in my thirties and it's a lot every other weekend it's a wedding and you've got to get the gifts for the weddings and usually my wife she's very organized she gets the gifts for the couples and she usually gets the gifts right from a website called not on the high street dot com are we familiar with this website if you don't know it's things like
32:00not on the high street not on the high street they've nailed it really now the reason you won't find those items on the high streets is because no high street retailer in their right mind would stock any of it
32:14it's all complete dog shit answer me this why would anybody need a personalized chopping board
32:20now as an item chopping boards they don't really leave the house
32:27they're not getting mixed up with other chopping boards
32:33I've never woke up to a phone call from a friend one morning you're right mate bit of an awkward one
32:38yeah I'm asking him now he didn't pick up our chopping board last night
32:42I love to shop though I'm a big shopper myself I love the gadgets I always get the gadget and every year they bring out a new gadget
32:51I'm going to get that gadget and that gadget will make me happy
32:54I buy the gadget three weeks later it's in a cupboard and I'm still miserable
32:57I've had them all over the years you name it I've had the George Foreman grill
33:01I've had the spiralizer I've had the Nutribullet I've had the Nespresso coffee machine I've had the inflatable hot tub
33:08I've had the fleshlight I've had them all
33:10you name it and what's the latest gadget that people say you should get what's the latest gadget people say you should get
33:17the air fryer
33:20people love telling you to get the air fryer don't they
33:24people will not miss an opportunity to recommend an air fryer to somebody
33:30any situation you might you know what mate I'm actually really depressed at the minute
33:33I'm having a really really tough time I've actually made a decision when I get home from work this evening
33:39I'm going to go into the kitchen I'm going to put my head in the oven and I'm just going to end everything
33:44they have someone pipe up on mate you should do that in the air fryer
33:47you'll be dead in the corner of the time if you do it in the air fryer
33:52it's actually a much healthier way to diet the air fryer
33:56brilliant
33:57favourite gadget of all time if I had to choose one would probably be the George Foreman grill
34:03great piece of machinery I'm sure you'll agree with that
34:05and we sadly lost big George Foreman heartbroken love George Foreman and I was watching the news break of George Foreman's death with my little brother he's much younger than me
34:13and my little brother right he didn't realize that before the grill
34:17that George Foreman was formerly the heavyweight boxing champion of the world
34:22he didn't know that and it absolutely blew his mind
34:26well it would do wouldn't it that's like us finding out this evening that Russell Hobbs was the lead singer of Led Zeppelin
34:35I'm from a small town in the Midlands I love it there I've never left I never would leave
34:41and a lot of my friends are from there and I went to school with them and they do real jobs
34:44proper hard-working jobs like they do plastering or tarmacking or work in factories
34:49but I've got new friends as well now because I do this I've got kind of arty middle class city friends
34:54and they're great as well I love hanging around with them
34:56they say things like um I know a great ramen place
34:59I love you guys I don't know what you're talking about
35:03but they're great I'm loving hanging around with them
35:05you know what I found about this new arty middle class group of friends I'm hanging around with
35:09they're actually nice to each other
35:11it's a complete alien concept to me right
35:14I went out the other day in London with them
35:16one of the guys a man right he came out with a tote bag over his shoulder
35:19nobody said anything to him everybody just accepted it
35:23no one shattered it chucked it on the roof
35:28it was beautiful beautiful people
35:30because I think as a man we're not as good at making friends blokes we're not as good at getting
35:36to know each other because we're a bit weird like we want to get to know each other blokes we want to
35:39find out about each other but none of us want to appear vulnerable so what I notice blokes will do
35:42right we'll ask questions to get to know each other but we'll frame those questions
35:46in like a needlessly macho way I was on a stag do with a guy last year I didn't really know
35:51hop in the conversation he goes Josh here's a question for you
35:54if you were on death row what would your meal be I was like can't you just ask me what food I like
36:02what have I got to be on death row for this
36:08I've got a needlessly morbid detail
36:11okay I've got a question for you then actually
36:13if you had to give your kids up for adoption
36:15what album would you listen to on their way to the orphanage
36:18just trying to get to know each other you know but
36:26very lucky I've got I've got a couple of kids as well I've got two young boys I've got a three
36:32year old and a seven month old they're great is the parents in the room yeah it's great now I don't
36:37know if this is a universal experience but what I'm finding with my children is right they don't like
36:41the feeling of like being asleep if you know is this I'm finding that they're much
36:49preferred to be awake that's what I'm finding my eldest he's never slept right
36:53every night I put him down about half seven by 10 o'clock he's awake then he comes
36:56into my bed then I go into his bed and every night I'm surrounded by cuddly toys
37:01looking at fluorescent stars on the ceiling I just think I've got this wrong this has
37:06gone wrong here I'm paying the mortgage I'm trying to sleep in a four-foot lightning
37:09McQueen bed he's in my bed listening to me on the baby monitor completely the wrong way down
37:22I'll get downstairs in the morning he's got a coffee and a paper oh what time do you call this
37:25it's hard parenting it's hard it's challenging it's tiring but there's another side of parenting
37:33that people don't talk about as much it's also as well of course very very boring it's
37:39boring as well people do not prepare me for how boring having children is right my eldest he's
37:45three years old I'm not being arrogant here Hammersmith but I'm much more advanced than he is I'm much
37:52further along in my development and yet we spend all day doing everything that he wants to do right
37:56sometimes my wife gets back she's like if you had a good day today I'm like no I've been massively
38:02under stimulated Spanish with you we did a jigsaw earlier today that had four pieces in it that
38:08that's just not enough for me and he's struggling with it it's going daddy we need to find the
38:14corners like mate it's all corners there's four pieces the whole thing is corners trying to do a
38:24good job parenting I think I think the key is to not stress about it do your best don't stress if I
38:28had to describe my parenting style in one word I'd probably say efficient is what I'm saying I'm
38:33parenting smart rather than hard my oldest has got to start school soon and my wife's like oh what
38:38school do you think we're going to send him to I'm like well you know the nearest one to our house
38:43would have thought it's like no no we should meet a few of the schools find out where their core values
38:47are as I can tell you my core value is convenience that is deeply at my courts bonnie video there was a
38:57school at the end of my road I cannot stress to you guys how bad that school would need to be for
39:05my kid to not be going to it that could be a jihadi training center with a paedophile headmaster if he
39:15can walk himself there sign him up he'll be absolutely fine I've got my in-laws as well
39:24very fortunate I mean he's got a wonderful father-in-law he can do anything around the house he can do
39:28anything he can do electrics woodwork whatever and I cannot recommend that enough to have somebody in
39:33your life that can do I actually think now that's that's the number one thing that I look for in a
39:37sexual partner now it's for them to have a dad lit as good at DIY if you go on a date that should be
39:44your first question always what does your dad do for a living he's a plumber I would love to see you
39:48again I would love to see if I was ever single again I won't do hinge I won't do tinder I'd get
39:55untrusted trader right I don't work backwards from there that's how I do it it's great oh yeah I've done
40:09the right thing having kids as well because it's a it's a scary world out there people people are
40:12angry out there people are very angry at lots of things people angry at the water companies at the
40:16minute people very angry at the water companies and absolutely listen I'm angry at the water companies
40:20as well I'll tell you who does deserve respect though the sparkling water companies what an
40:26incredible industry the sparkling water industry is an industry built entirely on a product that 90% of
40:32people only ever buy by mistake did you know that in the UK last year only one in ten bottles of
40:41sparkling water were bought intentionally you know that only one person wanted it is a nine
40:46gallon shot at the shop like oh for fuck's sake down at the sparkling water factories those guys
40:53can't believe it like keep making it keep making it get the word sparkle as small as you can on the
40:57bottles keep doing it keep doing it what I'm on it by the way how are hot water bottles still a
41:04thing how are hot water bottles still a how have they slipped through the health and safety net
41:09imagine trying to get the hot water bottle off the ground now as an invention in 2025 what is it then
41:16oh basically what it is mate it's a sack of boiling water that you take to bed with you
41:21well that sounds lethal and can I just ask how are you filling that up I'll just directly from the
41:27kettle through a hole that big sort of a two-pence piece just kind of also it's completely opaque so
41:35you can't so much you put in you got to just squeeze it out for the best okay who you're thinking
41:41of selling that to we're thinking old people and pregnant women okay we've got a we've got
41:51one hope I think for the future and that so that's teachers I love teachers got so much respect for
41:56to yeah absolutely they get treated so badly in this country and they go on strike and they get
42:01treated badly and absolutely solidarity with those guys they get treated awfully but whenever I see a
42:05teacher getting treated badly I always think what did you expect I mean we all know that teachers
42:12get treated badly that is the one job that we all got to see close up when we were kids we could
42:18see them getting treated badly then we were treating them badly ourselves then and yet people are
42:22still joining the teaching profession what are you thinking do you not blame for this those get into
42:27teaching adverts they're too good the new you get me every time I'm at home watching TV one comes on
42:33it's always the same young guy early 30s incredible bone structure lovely M&S cardigan he's around the
42:40playground high-fiving the kids like yeah go on buddy get into teaching like a fucking might get
42:51into teaching actually that was quality I could shape a young life that's not the reality you should
42:56show the reality that same guy in his lunch hour chain-smoking in a nissan micro crying his
43:03eyes I found tick-tocks a kid's been making saying that he fucks dogs that's the reality listen I'll be
43:09just thank you so much Apollo see you soon check out thank you
43:11show some love one more time to Josh Pew
43:16please give up for everybody that you've seen tonight you've seen Laura Smith can you make some noise for
43:24Laura Smith you've seen Josh Pew make some noise for Josh Pew and my name has been Mo Gilligan thank you take care and good night
43:54you
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