- 2 weeks ago
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00:00Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your host for tonight, Mo Gilligan!
00:19How are we doing London town, are you all right, are you good?
00:44Fantastic stuff man, so nice to be here at Live Video Apollo in Hammond,
00:49I'm a Smith, you're looking fantastic, can I get a little woo, ladies and gentlemen?
00:55Yeah man, now listen right, when I started doing TV, 2016 right, people would often say to me,
01:01yeah, they're like, mate, you've only got this job, you've only won a BAFTA, because you're ticking a box,
01:05that's right, yeah, yeah, yeah, no, you're ticking a box, it's because of diversity.
01:09So tonight, I'm going to give you the most blackest show I've ever given you, okay?
01:14We're going to say all the black words that never get to make it on TV, look at all the black people,
01:19rock finally bruv, this is what we've been fighting for bro!
01:22I might say blood fire, can I get a woo?
01:26I might even say blood clot, that's right, you liked that one didn't you?
01:30Oh gosh, oh my gosh, it's like Notting Hill in here, isn't it?
01:34And if you're lucky, I might even give you a bumba clot, can I get a woo?
01:40South Londoners are loading up the invisible gun that, yo, blood, hurry up, hurry up,
01:46hurry up, listen, when I first started doing TV, yeah, because this is the gun finger, yeah?
01:51If you're not familiar with this, this is what we call a gun finger, right?
01:54Now, sometimes you get a negative connotation that comes with the gun finger, do you know what I mean?
01:58You know, you get a negative connotation, man, but that's not true.
02:01You can use it for the positive, my friend, do you know what I mean?
02:04What's going on, bruv, happy birthday, brr, you can do stuff like this.
02:07You can use it for the sad, oh, what's going on, Jerome?
02:10Oh, bro, my dog died, oh, I'm sorry to hear about that, man.
02:13Yeah, man, but it's all right, listen, he's going to be looking down for you on heaven,
02:16do you know what I mean? Ruff, ruff.
02:18You can do stuff like this with the gun finger, yeah?
02:22Listen, the South London comes out, yeah, at times where it shouldn't come out for me, yeah?
02:26I go to church, people, yeah? I go to Hillsong in Golders Green, right?
02:30And that's not a place where we should have a gun finger, madam.
02:33We should not have gun fingers, right?
02:35But when the spirit is inside you and a pastor said,
02:38if you can feel Jesus Christ, put your hands in there.
02:40I'm like, don't know, oh, whoops. Oopsie.
02:45But no, I love living in London, man.
02:47You know, there's a recently, there was a debate,
02:49I don't know if you guys are familiar with this,
02:51there was a debate recently and they said,
02:53is London safer now or was it safer 10 years ago, right?
02:57No, I don't know, I don't know.
02:58I think London is safer now, personally, do you know what I mean?
03:01Because we don't really have crime, you know,
03:03especially in central London where we are right now.
03:05There's no real crime, do you know what I mean?
03:07You know, don't get me wrong, we get some pickpocketers,
03:10we get some pickpocketers, yeah?
03:12But the beautiful thing about living in this city, yeah?
03:14Londoners, we will mind our business, that's what we would do.
03:17We will see someone getting pickpocketed
03:19and instead of speaking up, what do we do?
03:21We go, bro, let me hold my phone a bit tighter.
03:23They're really out here stealing.
03:26Like, I don't know if you guys have seen,
03:28they've got this one lady on TikTok, have you seen this woman?
03:30Attention out there, it's pickpocket!
03:32Have you seen this lady?
03:34This snitch, let people pickpocket in peace.
03:40The most recent crime I see in central London is phone snatching, yeah?
03:44That's the real crime, yeah?
03:46Look at some of you right here, you know,
03:48some people got the little thing on their wrist and stuff,
03:50you know what I mean?
03:51Got your phone, connect to your wrist like a briefcase in Ocean's Eleven.
03:54Do you know what I mean?
03:55You know?
03:56I don't know, man.
03:57Listen, I kind of like the phone snatches.
03:59You know why?
04:00Because that's a man who says,
04:01I'm going to rob and steal at 2pm.
04:04Do you know how crazy it is?
04:06That he puts on a balaclava at 2pm and snatches your phone,
04:10but he doesn't do it on foot.
04:12He doesn't do it on foot.
04:13He does it on an electric bike.
04:15The fact that your phone just goes whoop,
04:18and you can just hear the bike go .
04:23That's a man who says,
04:24you know what?
04:25I don't care about society.
04:26I don't care about society.
04:28And you say, why?
04:29You know,
04:30because I'm here to rob and steal.
04:31I don't care about society.
04:33What do you care about?
04:34My carbon footprints.
04:36Let me just load up this bike.
04:41But this is the top tier of comedy, people, yeah?
04:44This is live at the Apollo, ladies and gentlemen.
04:47This is the highest that you can get when it comes to doing comedy,
04:51you know?
04:52And I'm so pleased tonight to be able to host.
04:53I really, really am.
04:54You know,
04:55when you first start doing comedy,
04:56people say,
04:57mate, what you want to do?
04:58You know, you want to get on live at the Apollo.
05:00You're like, I will, man.
05:01Why are you talking like Ray Winston?
05:02Why are you talking like this, man?
05:04And here I am.
05:05You know,
05:06I've been able to do this before,
05:07but life wasn't like this.
05:08This was not my comedy journey, ladies and gentlemen.
05:10I started doing comedy on the black circuit, right?
05:13That's right.
05:14You have two circuits.
05:15You have the mainstream circuit and the black circuit.
05:18Now the mainstream circuit is very different, right?
05:20Because you have comedy clubs that run from Monday to Sunday.
05:24On the black circuit,
05:25black circuit,
05:26we normally get about four shows a month, right?
05:29Dotted around different parts of London.
05:31You know how I came out earlier on, people?
05:33And I was like,
05:34Oli, Oli, Oli.
05:35Oi, oi, oi.
05:36I tried it.
05:37Done a show in Halston.
05:38I came out.
05:39So much confidence.
05:40I was like,
05:41Hey, what's up?
05:42Oli, Oli, Oli.
05:43One guy at the back was just like,
05:44Suck your mum.
05:48It was awkward.
05:49My mum was there.
05:50She's laughing.
05:51I'm like,
05:52What are you laughing for?
05:53Couldn't do any kind of crowd work.
05:56Because crowd work is huge now for the comedy community.
05:59You know,
06:00there's comedians out there that do crowd work now.
06:02You can put it on Instagram, YouTube.
06:04Your clip can go viral.
06:05You can even tour off the back of crowd work.
06:08It's sensational.
06:09Now, in the black community,
06:10especially at black comedy shows,
06:11we don't do any crowd work.
06:13You know,
06:14but I thought,
06:15let me break the mould.
06:16There was, let's say,
06:17there was someone where you were sitting,
06:18madam, right?
06:19And this lady had a cross on.
06:20I thought, perfect.
06:21I go to church.
06:22I can connect with this lady.
06:23She's a woman of God.
06:24She's not going to judge me.
06:25I said,
06:26Hey, what's up?
06:27I see you.
06:28You got the cross on.
06:29This woman looked at me.
06:30She was like,
06:31Big man, do the jokes.
06:34I was afraid for my life.
06:35I was like,
06:36Why is your voice so deep, Chantelle?
06:37Your voice is deep.
06:42But doing this job is great.
06:43It pays very well.
06:44You know,
06:45it pays very well.
06:46Some people ask me.
06:47They say,
06:48Mo, you're doing alright for yourself now.
06:49Let me ask you something.
06:50Does money change you?
06:51I said,
06:52What?
06:53Money change me?
06:54Does money change me?
06:55Of course.
06:56100%.
06:57100%.
06:58No, money doesn't change you.
06:59Money makes you curious.
07:00I think that's what I believe.
07:02I think money doesn't change you.
07:03It makes you curious.
07:04Because we didn't grow up with a lot of money.
07:06We grew up poor.
07:07We didn't know we grew up poor.
07:08Until you kind of come home and you get a poor meal.
07:11You know,
07:12that's when you come home and your mum cooks corned beef and rice.
07:15And that's when you come in for a long day of school and you're like,
07:18Oh, we're fucked.
07:19We're fucked.
07:20There's no money.
07:21Now,
07:22when you're 10 years old,
07:23you don't understand what it's like to be poor.
07:25You know,
07:26asking my mum for a pound.
07:27I'm like,
07:28Mum, have you got a pound?
07:29My mum would say things.
07:30And as a child,
07:31you take it literally.
07:32You take it to heart.
07:33I was like,
07:34Mum, have you got a pound?
07:35I don't have two pounds to rub together right now.
07:38I was like, you ain't got two.
07:39Look at the sofas.
07:40Why are you watching Rikki Lake and Kilroy?
07:42Let's find some money here, man.
07:43How ain't you got two?
07:45You got three kids.
07:46A house.
07:47How do you have two pounds to rub together?
07:50Actually, furthermore,
07:51where is my child support?
07:53Where's that money going?
07:54Where's that?
07:55Because that's what we do when you grow up.
07:57You're like,
07:58Where did the child support money, mum go?
07:59Where's that?
08:00Buying Lambrini and cigarettes.
08:01What do you mean?
08:02Where's the money?
08:03But growing up poor teaches you a lot about life.
08:06You know, buying name brand food.
08:07We didn't even get to go to name brand supermarkets growing up.
08:10Because I believe there was a league table.
08:12You know, you had your Sainsbury's.
08:14You had your Tesco.
08:15You know, you had Morrisons.
08:16Back in the day,
08:17it wasn't called Morrisons.
08:18It was called Safeway.
08:19Yeah?
08:20That let all us poor people know
08:21this is the safe way to shop, okay?
08:23I didn't get to go to any of these supermarkets.
08:27I went to a supermarket called Quicksave.
08:29Quicksave.
08:30Do you guys remember Quicksave?
08:32Quicksave.
08:33Don't woo.
08:34Listen.
08:35Quicksave.
08:36Quicksave was horrible.
08:37Do you know why?
08:38I'll tell you why.
08:39Because Quicksave had their own branded food, right?
08:41Now, in some branded food,
08:42they would call it essentials.
08:43Yeah?
08:44Do you know what Quicksave called it?
08:45No frills.
08:46Do you know how fucked up that is?
08:48That's it.
08:49You're so poor.
08:50There's no frills in this food.
08:51Yeah?
08:52We would buy beans.
08:53We didn't know if they were baked beans,
08:55kidney beans, runner beans.
08:56We didn't know what beans these were.
08:59Yeah?
09:00We didn't have no branded food at all.
09:02And that's okay.
09:03You know, you grow up until you go to a friend's house
09:05and they have branded food.
09:07You know, I went to one of my middle-class friends' house.
09:09You know, they was like,
09:10Mo!
09:11Mo!
09:12Would you like some Ribena?
09:13I said, yeah, I love some Ribena.
09:15He took out a carton of the fridge.
09:17I said, Pierre, bruv, we're both going to get beets.
09:19What are you doing, bruv?
09:21Put that carton back.
09:22You know, he gave me the juice.
09:23He poured it up to the top.
09:25And then he was like,
09:26Mo!
09:27Mo!
09:28Would you care for a biscuit?
09:29I said, I love a biscuit.
09:30He had a biscuit tin.
09:32I said to myself,
09:33if this boy pulls out a chocolate McVitie's biscuit,
09:36I'm going to slap his mum in the chest.
09:37There's no way.
09:39We didn't have any branded food.
09:41Even biscuits.
09:42We didn't have any branded biscuits.
09:44We grew up poor.
09:45We had biscuits called broken biscuits.
09:48Are you guys familiar with what broken biscuits are?
09:51These are the biscuits that are like hobnobs that are broken.
09:55Pink wafers that are blue.
09:57You've just got all the injured biscuits.
09:59A custard cream with no custard.
10:02Yeah?
10:03The bag was five kilograms.
10:05Like, I used to think,
10:06how does the factory work?
10:07Like, is it just like two guys at work in a factory
10:10just sweeping up all the biscuits?
10:12And they're like, listen, we can't sell those.
10:14And they're like, no, no, sweep them up, sweep them up.
10:16It's all right.
10:17Mo's mum will buy these.
10:23But no, money doesn't change you.
10:24It makes you curious.
10:25Even for where I'm at in life,
10:27I'm able to, you know, earn my own money,
10:29have my own living, you know.
10:31I started finding out secrets, though,
10:33when you have money, you know.
10:34Now I go to the top-tier supermarkets, yeah?
10:36I'll be going Waitrose.
10:38Hey, listen, middle-class white people,
10:40why did you not tell us about Waitrose?
10:42There's no security in there.
10:44Hey!
10:45Day one, I was stealing!
10:48On the self-checkout,
10:49you can't steal on the self-checkout.
10:51You go Tesco, you try to steal, boop,
10:53they got a camera there.
10:54Bow, it's right there.
10:55You can't steal nothing.
10:57Day one, I was like, boop, one for the bag, boop,
11:00one for me.
11:01Boop, one for the bag, boop, one for me.
11:04You try it out in one of these supermarkets now, you know.
11:07Seek assistance, yeah?
11:09The light is flashing.
11:11Now you've got to pretend like you weren't trying
11:13to put fresh mangoes in your pocket.
11:15They're bulging out.
11:17He's like, oh, excuse me, I don't know what's going on.
11:19I don't know what's going on.
11:20And then this guy comes over.
11:22I don't know what piece of paper he has when he comes
11:25and he goes, it's all right, it's okay.
11:27Boop, I steal the mangoes too.
11:28You're like, what?
11:29I wasn't stealing mangoes, bro.
11:31Look at some of you like, yeah, I steal the mangoes as well.
11:36You know, yeah, yeah, yeah.
11:38It's different when you go to some of these middle-class
11:41establishments, man, especially going Waitrose.
11:43I started buying middle-class food, man.
11:45Do you know what I mean?
11:46Because I know the entry level, you know, when you're middle-class
11:48is quiche.
11:49That's where you start.
11:50I started off with quiche.
11:51You know, I'm not just getting the ham and cheese quiche.
11:54You know, I'm experimenting.
11:55I'm getting spinach quiche, you know.
11:58And then I thought, rah, what's this bread everyone keeps
12:01talking about?
12:02Sourdough.
12:03Oh, my God.
12:04Why didn't you guys tell black people about sourdough?
12:07This stuff, at first, it's disgusting, black people.
12:10At first, sourdough is disgusting because sourdough,
12:13I'm like, what in the ancient Roman bread is this?
12:16After one day, this bread is like, no, I'm so hard.
12:20I'm not moving.
12:21I'm not moving.
12:22It's the hardest bread you've ever felt in your life.
12:24You ever tried to cut some sourdough, my friend?
12:26You ever tried cutting sourdough?
12:27You're just there, zzz, zzz, zzz, zzz.
12:31Then I asked one of my friends, man.
12:33I said, Windthorpe, let me ask you something, bro.
12:39Why do you lot think I don't have friends like Windthorpe?
12:41Why?
12:42You lot looked at me like, nah, that's Jerome, bro.
12:45They don't know no Windthorpe.
12:46I said, bro, let me ask you something.
12:49Sourdough bread.
12:50I don't get it.
12:51I don't get it, man.
12:52You know?
12:53And he said to me, he's like, no, no, no, no, no.
12:56What you've got to do, you've got to get the sourdough,
12:58cut a thin slice, and then you toast it.
13:01I thought, oh, OK.
13:02I thought, all right, cool, I get it now.
13:04I was like, I tried to make a sandwich, man.
13:06I was chewing this bread for days, man.
13:11He goes, no, you have to toast it.
13:13You've got to toast it.
13:14So I did.
13:15I started toasting it.
13:16And then I was like, OK, cool.
13:18What do I put on it?
13:19Like, Flora butter?
13:20He started laughing.
13:22Flora butter.
13:24Oh, my gosh.
13:25You're really showing where you grew up, don't you?
13:27You're really showing where you're from, aren't you?
13:29I said, what do you mean?
13:30What do I put on it?
13:31And then I discovered Lurpak.
13:34Oh, my God!
13:36That stuff is delicious, you know?
13:38Hey, do you know how good Lurpak is?
13:41Listen, if I could invest, I would sell my house
13:44and put all the stocks in Lurpak.
13:46This is the nicest butter ever invented.
13:49I can see some middle-class people like,
13:51hold it down, Mo Killigan.
13:52This butter is delicious.
13:54It's so nice.
13:55Listen, it's expensive.
13:56Don't get me wrong.
13:57Nine pounds for butter.
13:58Oh, my God.
14:00I was like, listen, I don't know if I can afford this.
14:02Look at some people right now.
14:03Okay, calm down, Bill Gates.
14:05This is some expensive butter.
14:07But it's delicious, man.
14:08Oh, my God.
14:09I don't waste any drop, boy.
14:10I'd be like, you know when you get the sides?
14:12I'd be like, listen, man, you might not feel the butter,
14:14but, you know, I put a little bit on my elbows.
14:20The best thing my money's ever done for me, you know,
14:23and I don't mean to say it in a way to show off,
14:25is probably improve my health, you know?
14:27And when I say my health, my mental health as well.
14:29You know, I started going to therapy.
14:31Therapy's one of the best things ever.
14:33I try my best to promote therapy, you know,
14:35especially young men as well, man.
14:36Try your best to go to therapy.
14:38Do you know what I mean?
14:39You know?
14:40You can clap at that if you want.
14:41It's up to you.
14:42It will look.
14:43Oh, thank you very much.
14:46Nah, I try my best to go to therapy, man.
14:49Therapy's interesting, though,
14:51because the reason why I say it's interesting,
14:53I grew up in a community where we don't like sharing
14:57what's going on in our life.
14:58Do you know what I mean?
14:59Like the barbershop, the hair salon,
15:01that's where you kind of find out what's going on.
15:03You know, that's where the gossip really starts.
15:05You know, I could never have heart-to-hearts with my dad.
15:07My dad came over here in the 70s by himself,
15:10moved to Brixton, had to fight racism,
15:13you know, as a Rastafarian, you know,
15:15trying to tell my dad, hey, dad, listen, man.
15:17You know, I'm thinking of going to therapy, you know,
15:19opening up, trying to do better for my mental health.
15:21You know, my dad just looked at me and he just said,
15:23why are you gay?
15:25I was like, what is...
15:27He's like, what is wrong with you?
15:29You're so childish, man.
15:30You're so childish.
15:32How do you even know that joke?
15:34How do you, what?
15:35How do you know that?
15:37But no, I went to therapy, my friend.
15:39I loved going to therapy, man.
15:41It's very hard at first, though, to open up.
15:43Very, very hard.
15:44You know, my therapist would say,
15:45Mo, you seem like you're holding back.
15:48I said, I'm not holding back, man.
15:49You know, she goes, open up.
15:51How do you feel?
15:52I said, I don't know.
15:53And then she tried to, you know, she tapped into me.
15:55And this was quite weird, man.
15:56She was like, does your job make you feel like a superhero?
15:59And I said, oh, okay, analogies.
16:01I love analogies.
16:02I said, it kind of does a little bit.
16:04She goes, go on, expand.
16:05I said, well, listen, man, doing this job,
16:07it can make you feel like Batman.
16:09It can make you put on a cape, go at night,
16:11be the crusader, make everyone laugh.
16:13You lift up the spirits.
16:14But, you know, daytime, I go back home.
16:16I'm Bruce Wayne.
16:17I take off the mask.
16:18And I'm eating sourdough and lurpak.
16:22And she goes, how does that make you feel deep down?
16:24I said, I don't know, you know.
16:26Makes me feel a little bit down.
16:27She goes, it's okay.
16:28This is a safe space.
16:29Open up.
16:30Tell me how you feel.
16:31Now, the problem is, when you go to therapy,
16:33one, you're paying for it.
16:35So you do have to be very, very open.
16:36And two, you're on the clock.
16:38Now, I didn't notice, right?
16:39So I start opening up.
16:41And she goes, no, it's a safe space.
16:42It's okay.
16:43I said, listen, I do feel really, really depressed.
16:45I feel like sometimes I have a community on my back.
16:48And having a community on my back means that I have to be,
16:50you know, very, very, you know, sometimes black, black, black on TV,
16:54but then sometimes not too black enough.
16:56Do you know what I mean?
16:57So sometimes I'm in this weird juxtaposition place,
16:59and that can sometimes make me feel depressed.
17:01You know?
17:02And she goes, see, that's where we are.
17:03But do you feel depressed?
17:05And I said, rah.
17:06I actually do feel depressed.
17:08And she looked at me and she goes,
17:10well, that's time.
17:13I said, bruh, put the money on the fucking clock.
17:15Are you serious, bruh?
17:19But listen, we have a fantastic show for you lovely people tonight.
17:23Is that all right, people?
17:26Son of a fervent news!
17:28Can I get the claps?
17:29Can we bring it up a little bit more?
17:30A little bit lighter?
17:31A little bit lighter?
17:32Please, welcome to the stage, Laura Smith!
17:54Thank you, thank you.
17:55And how are you all doing, Apollo?
17:59You all had a good day?
18:00Good.
18:01I ain't.
18:03I've had a bit of bad news.
18:06It's worse than that.
18:09Listen, I've been doctors.
18:11I had my BMI checked.
18:14It turns out, I'm too short.
18:21We're just processing that as a family.
18:24I keep finishing the kids' dinners.
18:25I keep finishing the kids' dinners.
18:27Do you do that?
18:28I say, I hate waste.
18:29I hate waste.
18:30I never finish their salad or broccoli.
18:33Just sort of eating chicken nuggets over the bin.
18:35I've got three children.
18:36I've got a 23-year-old.
18:37I've got a 23-year-old, a 10-year-old and a 7-year-old.
18:43Yeah, different dads.
18:45Fuck off.
18:46But the...
18:48Parenting's changed, though.
18:50It's all changed.
18:52It's all gentrified now.
18:53Parenting's been gentrified.
18:54They all do this gentle parenting.
18:56Have we heard of this gentle parenting?
18:59Right, I'll explain.
19:00For them that don't know,
19:01gentle parenting is where a middle-class woman
19:03is getting beaten up by her son called Oscar.
19:09And all she says to Oscar is,
19:11I know you've got big feelings.
19:15That's it.
19:16That's all she says.
19:18And my kids wouldn't dare,
19:19because you know who else has got big feelings?
19:20Mummy!
19:22Mummy's got big feelings.
19:23Because she drank a bottle of Sauvignon Blanc last night
19:26and she can't control this eyeball.
19:27So get your bloody shoes on!
19:32East London's changed,
19:33but the gentrification,
19:34it gets to you.
19:35It gets to you.
19:36It gets to your kids.
19:37I talk like this.
19:38My family talk like this.
19:39I won't lie to you.
19:40My eldest,
19:41she kind of...
19:42she kind of talks like this.
19:45She's a bit like,
19:46rah, where's my back here?
19:49I sort of want to break her jaw for her,
19:51if I'm honest.
19:52No.
19:54The thing is,
19:55like,
19:56she kind of said they all do,
19:57all these young people.
19:58The thing is,
19:59when they're little,
20:00you can delude yourself,
20:01you're doing quite a good job,
20:02you know?
20:03But they emerge into those late teens,
20:04early twenties,
20:05and you do look at them and think,
20:06uh-oh,
20:07I might have raised a prick here.
20:09She kind of says everything,
20:12like, she just invented it,
20:14and she's just checking you're on board.
20:16You know?
20:17She says,
20:18I'm just going to go upstairs.
20:23Like, to bed?
20:24I'm like, yeah, stairs, bed,
20:26I pay for both of them,
20:27jog on, enjoy yourself.
20:28I'll tell you what she talks like.
20:31Have you ever heard rich American women ordering a restaurant?
20:34They act like they're the first people...
20:36People are nodding.
20:37They act like they're the first people to ever think of doing that.
20:40They go to the waiter,
20:41I think we're all going to have the burrata.
20:47Like, the waiter's going to go,
20:48you what?
20:49You know?
20:50What's going on with burrata, by the way?
20:52What's the business burrata come from?
20:54I love it.
20:55Don't you love it?
20:56Probably mugging off mozzarella, innit?
20:58It's like, I'm in there, clear off.
20:59Mozzarella should have made up its mind.
21:02It's like, are you plastic grated cheese
21:04or are you just in a little wet ball bag?
21:06What are you, mozzarella?
21:08Because burrata knows and I love it.
21:11I'm here now, you rubbery little freak.
21:14You know what I mean?
21:16It's kind of done what Prosecco done to Carver about 20 years ago.
21:20Do you remember that?
21:21I'm the £10 Fizz now.
21:25Imagine bringing Carver to a dinner party nowadays.
21:28You'd get shot, wouldn't you?
21:32Yeah, that's how she talks.
21:33And I'll tell you what, my daughter, she knows her rights.
21:35Lads, feminism, we've won.
21:37We've won.
21:38Feminism's won.
21:39These young women, they need knocking down a peg or two.
21:41I'll tell you that much.
21:43She knows her rights.
21:44My God, does she know her rights.
21:46What I'm telling you, I found weed in her bedroom.
21:49Long story short, I apologise to her.
21:54She's like, oh my God, you've actually breached a boundary.
21:57You've actually breached a boundary and now I feel emotionally unsafe in my own home.
22:04Well done you, you're toxic.
22:06I said, well babes, I feel stoned.
22:11I'm sorry, we'll have to talk about it later.
22:15They're funny, isn't they?
22:17And I think the big ones spoil.
22:18I'll tell you what, the little ends are worse.
22:20The little ends are worse.
22:21I took my kids to Disneyland recently.
22:26Thanks, so patronising.
22:27Who's done Disneyland?
22:28Right, I'm telling you, I thought I was going to be cynical about Disney.
22:33Took the kids, they wanted to go, but something happens when you get into Disneyland.
22:37I'll tell you what, you see that purple castle, you lose your mind.
22:41You go full Disney, didn't you?
22:43There's doughnuts shaped like Mickey Mouse.
22:45Nine euros.
22:46I'm like, yes please, five of them.
22:47What do you want, kids?
22:48You just go full Disney and then Mickey will appear on a balcony and it's like they've announced
22:55the new Pope.
22:56You're like, Mickey!
22:57Mickey, look at me!
22:59Mickey, Mickey, look at me!
23:00Elbowing Just A Wish kids out the way.
23:02Mickey!
23:03He waved at me!
23:06You totally forget it's just some French prick in a suit that hates you.
23:11And I like to play a game at Disneyland.
23:15You can do this, you can have this game.
23:17It's a lot of fun.
23:18I like to guess the nationality of people because there are people there from all over the world.
23:22And it's quite fun guessing the nationality.
23:24Like a whole family will rock up, you know, calf tattoos, no teeth on the tins,
23:29nan in a mobility scooter.
23:31You're like, oh thank God, some English.
23:33And then they'll be like Spanish or something.
23:37You're like, hello, cultural appropriation much?
23:39We invented that look.
23:41You do, you just lose your mind at Disney.
23:44You just do too much, you go full Disney, too much merch.
23:47It's like Christmas, that's what it's like.
23:49You know when you just eat too much, drink too much, spend too much,
23:52then January comes and you think, what was all that about?
23:56That's what happens at Disneyland.
23:58And then you get back on the Eurostar and it's like the scales fall away, you know?
24:02You're sort of three grand in the shtook looking over at your husband,
24:06still with the ears on, thinking, oh.
24:08That will never shag you again, you know?
24:13Right, we're all mates now, so I'll tell you.
24:18I've hit a menopause.
24:20I'll tell you what menopause is like.
24:23It's like being gaslit by your own body.
24:25That's what it's like.
24:27You know when you're due on and you're mad dog?
24:30You know when you're mad dog, when you hate your partner,
24:32you hate yourself, you hate everyone at work,
24:34but you're paranoid, they hate you,
24:36and you feel weird, sick, anxious, guilty,
24:38and in the end you phone your sister and you instantly regret it
24:40because now she's got something on you.
24:42Shut up.
24:43And the next day you get your periods and you go,
24:45oh.
24:46Oh.
24:49And you've got to try and be cute with your other half again.
24:51Like, oh, shut up.
24:53Obviously I weren't going to leave the kids.
24:56Shut up.
24:57I know, but was I snarling and throwing things like in a pants way?
25:03But he can't answer because he's still hiding behind a bin lid
25:07with oven gloves on.
25:08I'm telling you now, that's what the menopause is like all the time.
25:12All the time.
25:14And that's why it's like being gaslit by your own body
25:16because you've got all this rage.
25:17You've got all this rage and you don't know if the rage is hormones
25:20or if your husband is in actual fact a stupid bloody useless prick
25:24that never bloody listens.
25:26I don't know.
25:28I don't know.
25:31And then the hot flushes.
25:33You've got the hot flushes?
25:34Oi, these are insane.
25:36They're mad, aren't they?
25:37They're mad.
25:38That's what it is.
25:39They feel like embarrassment.
25:40All of a sudden you're red, you're sweating, you're hot.
25:42You know, it feels like embarrassment.
25:44But I've got a theory, right?
25:45That it ain't hormones, it is embarrassment.
25:48Listen, it's delayed embarrassment.
25:51It's flashbacks from your 20s.
25:54About all the men you wasted time dating
25:57when you had a fully functioning fanny.
25:59And brilliant tits.
26:01Like, oh my God, I paid for the cab.
26:04Open a window.
26:05Oh my God, he moved his lips when he read.
26:09Ugh!
26:10He stepped under a duvet with no cover on it.
26:13Ugh!
26:14He had white stuff gathering there.
26:17He pronounced it pacifically.
26:21And that's all right, it's coming back to haunt you.
26:25That's what's going on.
26:26But listen, there's another symptom.
26:27I don't know if you're there yet, but I'm there
26:29and I want to tell you all about it.
26:31Because it's coming for all you bitches, okay?
26:34And I did not know when it happened to me.
26:36I was so shocked when it happened to me.
26:37I didn't learn about it in school.
26:39I'd not read about it in books.
26:40Oprah hadn't mentioned it.
26:41Not even Davina McCuller talks about it.
26:43She talks about bloody everything, doesn't she?
26:45Have a day off Davina.
26:46Anyway, I digress.
26:48It's coming for all you bitches, right?
26:51And here it is.
26:52Vaginal dryness.
26:54Listen, I can't run for a bus.
26:56I'd start a fire.
26:58No, listen, it's hazardous down there.
27:00Hazardous.
27:01They won't let me in California.
27:03It is hazardous down there, right?
27:05And it's not as if before it happens
27:07you're walking about all cocky like,
27:09yeah, I'm sopping wet.
27:10But when it goes, it's like...
27:12I thought my dog was eating something spicy.
27:16I was chasing it round the kitchen.
27:21And again, listen,
27:22that is meant to be hormonal,
27:25but recently my husband has started wearing Crocs, so...
27:30That could be shutting up shop down there, couldn't it?
27:32That could be snapping shit shut.
27:34He swore blind, he just got him to do the gardening,
27:36but I've seen him do the school run in them
27:38and I'm a bit of a face now, so I'm like,
27:40you get back here.
27:41Huff, huff, huff, huff, huff.
27:43I've got a strepsel up there in the end.
27:49It affects everything.
27:50It affects everything.
27:51Yeah, me and my husband have been together for 13 years.
27:56We went away for our anniversary.
27:57We had a spa break.
28:00Listen, you can woo, but I'm telling you now,
28:02once you're over 40, even a spa break ain't that sexy, you know?
28:06You're both naked in the hot tub and his scrotum keeps floating to the top.
28:11I shit myself.
28:12I thought someone else was in there.
28:15I'm trying to lean in for a kiss, get all cute.
28:17I'm trying...
28:18Whoa, I'm like...
28:22Turned into soggy whack-a-mole. It was ridiculous.
28:24And I'm not...
28:26Wait, listen, I'm not here to insult my husband's body.
28:29He is a good man.
28:30I'm not...
28:31Look, time and gravity and carbohydrates and saturated fats,
28:34they affect us all, is what I'm telling you, Apollo.
28:37And look, I'm aware of my own body limitations.
28:39I'm aware of my own body limitations.
28:41You know, I'm...
28:43What I'm telling you...
28:44I do not expect oral sex from my husband.
28:47I don't.
28:48He's a good man.
28:50He's a good...
28:51You know, after three kids, it's more like a bush tucker trial.
28:54Honestly...
28:56I couldn't bear to see his face afterwards all moist and haunted,
28:59you know?
29:00A man get a look in his eye, I might never leave him.
29:03And look, he's willing to go down there.
29:05Of course he is, he's a feminist, but I...
29:08But I don't relax, you know?
29:10When he goes down there, I go...
29:13I look at him the same way I'd look at a plumber
29:14come to fix an old washing machine, you know?
29:17I know it's not going to be good news.
29:21He goes down there, best will in the world, hammering away,
29:25phoning his mate, see if he's ever seen anything like it.
29:29Yeah, you all right, Tone?
29:30Yeah, it's a bigger job than I thought.
29:34And then I get more awkward, I'm like that.
29:38You all right, Dan, now?
29:41Do you want a cup of tea?
29:44Oh, sorry, you're on the phone.
29:45You know, it just gets weird.
29:51But listen, I've been Laura Smith.
29:54You've been absolutely amazing.
29:56Enjoy your night.
29:57Thank you very much.
29:58God bless.
30:05Show your love and your energy to Laura Smith, everyone!
30:08Yeah, man!
30:12All right, so I'm going to introduce you to your next comic.
30:14Please, let's get the clap starting from up here.
30:17Let's get it a little bit louder.
30:19And make some noise for Josh, please!
30:21Hello Apollo, good evening!
30:22Thank you so much for having me.
30:23Are you feeling good?
30:24Yeah!
30:25I'm feeling good.
30:26I'm trying to be a good person this year.
30:272025 is the year that I start calling my toxic male friends out for their poor behaviour.
30:40Do you think that's a good thing to do?
30:41Yes!
30:42Absolutely.
30:43Do you guys know what love bombing is?
30:44If you don't know, love bombing is when somebody bombards their partner with affection and it creates like a weird power dynamic.
30:47Well, I sadly caught a good friend of mine doing this a couple of weeks ago.
30:48We're all out together.
30:49And he starts making all these promises in front of everybody to his partner.
30:50He says, you've got to take care of her and look after her.
30:51I thought, that's strange.
30:52And then later in the day, this guy gets up, he does a speech about how much he means to him, how he's never going to leave her.
30:53And it was hard for me to do, but I actually took him to one side.
30:54I was like, listen, mate, what you're doing here, it's not cool.
30:55I think that's a good thing to do.
30:56Do you guys know what love bombing is?
30:57If you don't know, love bombing is when somebody bombards their partner with affection and it creates like a weird power dynamic.
31:02Well, I sadly caught a good friend of mine doing this a couple of weeks ago.
31:05We're all out together.
31:06And he starts making all these promises in front of everybody to his partner.
31:09He says, you've got to take care of her and look after her.
31:11I thought, that's strange.
31:12And then later in the day, this guy gets up, he does a speech about how much he means to him, how he's never going to leave her.
31:18And it was hard for me to do, but I actually took him to one side.
31:20I was like, listen, mate, what you're doing here, it's not cool.
31:23It's actually very toxic.
31:24It's a form of abuse.
31:25It's called love bombing.
31:26And that was hard for me to do.
31:27He got really defensive, started saying it was his wedding day and all this.
31:36I had to call it out.
31:37I've seen it and I had to call it out.
31:39I've met a lot of weddings at the minute, to be honest with you.
31:41I think it's my age, I'm in my thirties, and it's like every other weekend.
31:44It's a wedding and you've got to get the gifts for the weddings.
31:47And usually, my wife, she's very organised, she gets the gifts for the couples.
31:50And she usually gets the gifts, right, from a website called notonthehighstreet.com.
31:56Are we familiar with this website?
31:58If you don't know it, it's things like not on the high street.
32:01They've nailed it, really.
32:02Now, the reason you won't find those items on the high street,
32:06is because no high street retailer, in their right mind, would stock any of it.
32:13It's all complete dog shit.
32:15Answer me this.
32:16Why would anybody need a personalised chopping board?
32:22Now, as an item, chopping boards, they don't really leave the house.
32:27They're not getting mixed up with other chopping boards.
32:33I've never woke up to a phone call from a friend one morning.
32:36You're right, mate, bit of an awkward one.
32:38Yeah, I'm asking him now.
32:40He didn't pick up our chopping board last night.
32:42I love to shop, though.
32:45I'm a big shopper myself.
32:47I love the gadgets.
32:48I always get the gadgets.
32:49Every year, they bring out a new gadget.
32:50They say, I'm going to get that gadget, and that gadget will make me happy.
32:53I buy the gadget, three weeks later, it's in a cupboard, and I'm still miserable.
32:57I've had them all over the years, you name it.
32:59I've had the George Foreman grill.
33:01I've had the spiraliser.
33:03I've had the Nutribullet.
33:04I've had the Nespresso coffee machine.
33:06I've had the inflatable hot tub.
33:08I've had the Fleshlight.
33:09I've had them all, right?
33:12You name it.
33:13And what's the latest gadget that people say you should get?
33:15What's the latest gadget people say you should get?
33:17Air fryer.
33:18The air fryer.
33:20People love telling you to get the air fryer.
33:22Don't they?
33:23People will not miss an opportunity to recommend an air fryer to somebody.
33:29Any situation, you might be like, you know what, mate?
33:31I'm actually really depressed at the minute.
33:33I'm having a really, really tough time.
33:36I've actually made a decision.
33:37When I get home from work this evening, I'm going to go into the kitchen,
33:40I'm going to put my head in the oven, and I'm just going to end everything.
33:43They have someone to pipe up on, mate, you should do that in the air fryer.
33:47You'd be dead in the quarter of the time if you do it in the air fryer.
33:52It's actually a much healthier way to diet, the air fryer.
33:56It really is.
33:57Favourite gadget of all time, if I had to choose one, would probably be the George Foreman grill.
34:02Great piece of machinery, I'm sure you'll agree with that.
34:04And we sadly lost big George Foreman.
34:06Heartbroken, love George Foreman.
34:08And I was watching a news break of George Foreman's death with my little brother,
34:11he's much younger than me.
34:12And my little brother, he didn't realise that before the grill,
34:15that George Foreman was formerly the heavyweight boxing champion of the world.
34:20He didn't know that.
34:22It absolutely blew his mind.
34:25Well, it would do, wouldn't it?
34:27That's what I was finding out this evening, that Russell Hobbs was the lead singer of Led Zeppelin.
34:35I'm from a small town in the Midlands, I love it there, I've never left, I never would leave.
34:40And a lot of my friends are from there, and I went to school with them, and they do real jobs.
34:44Proper hard-working jobs, like they do plastering, or tarmacking, or working factories.
34:49But I've got new friends as well now, because I do this, I've got kind of arty middle-class city friends.
34:53And they're great as well, I love hanging around with them.
34:55They say things like, erm, I know a great ramen place.
35:01I love you guys, I don't know what you're talking about, but...
35:03They're great, I'm loving hanging around with them.
35:05You know what I've found about this new arty middle-class group of friends I'm hanging around with?
35:08They're actually nice to each other.
35:11It's a complete alien concept to me, right?
35:14I went out the other day in London with them, one of the guys, a man, right,
35:17he came out with a tote bag over his shoulder.
35:20Nobody said anything to him, everybody just accepted it.
35:26No-one shattered it, chucked it on the roof.
35:28It was beautiful, beautiful people.
35:32Because I think, as a man, we're not as good at making friends, blokes.
35:35We're not as good at getting to know each other, because we're a bit weird.
35:37Like, we want to get to know each other, blokes.
35:38We want to find out about each other, but none of us want to appear vulnerable.
35:41So what I notice blokes will do, right?
35:42We'll ask questions to get to know each other,
35:44but we'll frame those questions in, like, a needlessly macho way.
35:48I was on a stag do with a guy last year, I didn't really know.
35:50Hop up at the conversation, he goes,
35:51Josh, here's a question for you.
35:53If you were on death row, what would your meal be?
35:58I was like, can't you just ask me what food I like?
36:02What have I got to be on death row for this?
36:07Feels like a needlessly morbid detail.
36:11OK, I've got a question for you then, actually.
36:13If you had to give your kids up for adoption,
36:15what album would you listen to on their way to the orphanage?
36:23Just trying to get to know each other, you know?
36:25Very lucky.
36:27I've got a couple of kids as well.
36:29I've got two young boys.
36:30I've got a three-year-old and a seven-month-old.
36:33They're great.
36:34Is there parents in the room?
36:36Yeah, it's great.
36:37Now, I don't know if this is a universal experience,
36:38but what I'm finding with my children is, right,
36:40they don't like the feeling of, like, being asleep.
36:46Have you noticed this?
36:47I'm finding they're much preferred to be awake.
36:50That's what I'm finding.
36:51My eldest, he's never slept, right?
36:52Every night I put him down about half seven,
36:54by ten o'clock he's awake, then he comes into my bed,
36:57then I go into his bed,
36:59and every night I'm surrounded by cuddly toys
37:01looking at fluorescent stars on the ceiling.
37:02I just think,
37:03I've got this wrong.
37:05This has gone wrong here.
37:06I'm paying the mortgage,
37:07I'm trying to sleep in a four-foot Lightning McQueen bed.
37:12He's in my bed,
37:14listening to me on the baby monitor.
37:16That's the wrong way down, surely.
37:21Completely the wrong way down.
37:22I'll get downstairs in the morning,
37:23he's got a coffee and a pay blow,
37:24what time do you call this?
37:27It's hard parenting.
37:29It's hard, it's challenging, it's tiring,
37:31but there's another side of parenting
37:32that people don't talk about as much.
37:34It's also as well, of course,
37:36very, very boring.
37:39It's boring as well.
37:40People do not prepare me for how boring
37:42having children is, right?
37:44My eldest, he's three years old.
37:45I'm not being arrogant here at Hammersmith,
37:47but I'm much more advanced than he is.
37:51I am much further along in my development,
37:52and yet we spend all day doing everything
37:54that he wants to do, right?
37:55Sometimes my wife gets back,
37:57she's like, have you had a good day today?
37:58I'm like, no.
38:00I've been massively under-stimulated,
38:02to be honest with you.
38:04We did a jigsaw earlier today
38:06that had four pieces in it.
38:07That's just not enough for me.
38:12And he's struggling with it.
38:13He's going, Daddy, we need to find the corners.
38:14Like, mate, it's all corners,
38:15there's four pieces.
38:16Four pieces.
38:19The whole thing is corners.
38:23Trying to do a good job parenting.
38:24I think the key is to not stress about it.
38:26Do your best, don't stress.
38:27If I had to describe my parenting style
38:29in one word,
38:30I'd probably say efficient,
38:32is what I would say.
38:33I'm parenting smart rather than hard.
38:35My eldest has got to start school soon,
38:36and my wife's like,
38:37what school do you think we're going to send him to?
38:39I'm like,
38:40well, you know,
38:41the nearest one to our house,
38:42I would have thought.
38:44She's like, no, no,
38:45we should meet a few other schools,
38:46find out where their core values are.
38:48I was like,
38:49I tell you what my core value is?
38:50Convenience.
38:54That is deeply at my core,
38:55to be honest with you.
38:56There was a school at the end of my road.
38:58I cannot stress to you guys
39:00how bad that school would need to be
39:04for my kid to not be going to it.
39:06That could be a jihadi training centre,
39:11with a paedophile headmaster.
39:15If he can walk himself there,
39:18sign him up,
39:19he'd be absolutely fine.
39:22I've got my in-laws as well,
39:23very fortunate to have my in-laws.
39:24He's got a wonderful father-in-law.
39:25He can do anything around the house.
39:27He can do anything.
39:28He can do electrics,
39:29woodwork,
39:30whatever.
39:31I cannot recommend that enough,
39:32to have somebody in your life
39:33that can do...
39:34I actually think now,
39:35the number one thing that I look for,
39:36in a sexual partner now,
39:39is for them to have a dad
39:40lit as good at DIY.
39:42If you go on a date,
39:43that should be your first question,
39:44always,
39:45what does your dad do for a living?
39:47He's a plumber,
39:48I would love to see you again.
39:49I would love to see you again.
39:51If I was ever single again,
39:52I wouldn't do Hinge,
39:53I wouldn't do Tinder.
39:54I'd get untrusted trader,
39:56right?
39:57And I'd work backwards from there.
39:58That's how I'd do it.
39:59It's great.
40:00I hope I've done the right thing,
40:01having kids as well,
40:02because it's a scary world out there.
40:03People are angry out there.
40:04People are very angry at lots of things.
40:05People are angry at the water companies at the minute.
40:06People are very angry at the water companies.
40:07And absolutely,
40:08I'm angry at the water companies as well.
40:09I tell you who does deserve respect though,
40:10the sparkling water companies.
40:11What an incredible industry
40:12the sparkling water industry is.
40:26An industry,
40:27built entirely on the product,
40:28that 90% of people only ever buy
40:30by mistake.
40:34And so,
40:36Did you know that in the UK last year only one in ten bottles of sparkling water were
40:42bought intentionally, you know that?
40:44Only one person wanted it, and the nine get out of the shop like, tsss, oh for fuck's sake!
40:49Down at the sparkling water factories, those guys can't believe it, they're like, keep
40:54making it, keep making it!
40:55Get the word sparkle as small as you can on the bottles, keep doing it, keep doing it!
41:00One minute by the way, how are hot water bottles still a thing?
41:05How are hot water bottles still a thing?
41:07How have they slipped through the health and safety net?
41:11Imagine trying to get the hot water bottle off the ground now as an invention in 2025.
41:15What is it then? Oh basically what it is mate, it's a sack of boiling water
41:20that you take to bed with you.
41:22Wow, that sounds lethal.
41:24Can I just ask, how are you filling that up?
41:26Oh just don't really fill the kettle through a hole that big.
41:30The size of a two pence piece, just kind of...
41:33Also it's completely opaque so you can't see how much you put in, you've got to just squeeze it out for the best.
41:37Okay, wow.
41:39Who are you thinking of selling that to?
41:41We're thinking old people and pregnant women.
41:43Okay, what am I thinking?
41:45Wow.
41:47We've got one hope I think for the future and that's teachers.
41:53I love teachers, I've got so much respect for teachers.
41:56Yeah, absolutely.
41:57They get treated so badly in this country and they go on strike and they get treated badly
42:01and absolutely solidarity with those guys.
42:03They get treated awfully.
42:04But whenever I see a teacher getting treated badly, I always think, what did you expect?
42:09Do you know what I mean?
42:10I mean, we all know that teachers get treated badly.
42:12That is the one job that we all got to see close up when we were kids.
42:17We could see them getting treated badly then.
42:19We were treating them badly ourselves then.
42:21And yet people are still joining the teaching profession.
42:24What are you thinking?
42:25Do you know what I blame for this?
42:27Those getting to teaching adverts.
42:29They're too good.
42:30They nearly get me every time I'm at home watching TV.
42:32One comes on.
42:33It's always the same.
42:34Young guy, early 30s.
42:35Incredible bone structure.
42:37Lovely M&S cardigan.
42:39He's on the playground high-fiving the kids.
42:41Like, yeah, go on, buddy.
42:48Get into teaching.
42:49Like, I fucking might get into teaching, actually.
42:52That looks quality.
42:53I could shape a young life.
42:54That's not the reality.
42:55They should show the reality.
42:57That same guy in his lunch hour chain-smoking in a Nissan Micra.
43:02Crying his eyes out.
43:03He's found TikToks a kid's been making saying that he fucked dogs.
43:06That's the reality.
43:07Listen, I'll be Josh Pugh.
43:08Thank you so much, Apollo.
43:09See you soon.
43:10Check out.
43:14Show some love one more time to Josh Pugh!
43:20Please give up for everybody that you've seen tonight.
43:22You've seen Laura Smith.
43:23Can you make some noise for Laura Smith?
43:26You've seen Josh Pugh.
43:28Make some noise for Josh Pugh!
43:30And my name has been Mo Gilligan.
43:32Thank you, take care, and good night!
43:34See you later!
43:35Peace!
43:36Peace!
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