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Short filmTranscript
00:00The
00:04The
00:10The
00:14The
00:20The
00:22The
00:24The
00:26The human race grew up alongside glaciers during the Ice Ages.
00:47This cold stimulates ancient nerves, makes you feel a primal connection to the world.
00:54We use over 300 tons of ice to create the hotel, and guests are surprised to know how much snow.
01:02Over 10,000 tons.
01:04Wow, that's a lot.
01:06Luckily Norway has plenty of snow and ice.
01:11These blocks were created by carefully smoothing the ice on our river as it freezes, then harvesting
01:19it for storage in a nearby cave.
01:23Everything you see melts in summer.
01:26And we have different artists and artisans who help us build again each year, so every
01:31stay is truly once in a lifetime.
01:35And here we have your room.
01:38The koi suite.
01:39Wow.
01:40Oh, it's brisk.
01:41Our guest suites are slightly warmer than the rest of the hotel.
01:54About 3 degrees below zero.
01:56It's not too, too cold.
01:59It's quite invigorating when you're used to it.
02:03As we say, you will feel some plummen i egg, like a yolk in an egg.
02:09Okay.
02:10That's adorable.
02:11Some plummen i egg, egg, egg?
02:14That's very good.
02:15These fish were hand-carved by famous Norwegian ice sculptor Anna Szegestad Rüd.
02:21He won the Boreal Forest Prize at the Harbin ice sculpting competition last year.
02:25Beautiful.
02:26Isn't that beautiful?
02:27The bed is made of ice?
02:28Yes.
02:29Isn't that charming?
02:30We recommend trying our complimentary house brandy.
02:33The bed is made of ice.
02:34It is distilled locally from ice wine, and I assure you it is quite special.
02:40Ice.
02:41Helen.
02:42We are sleeping on an ice bed.
02:44I could have saved that 100 grand and frozen my eggs right here.
02:46Jokes and all.
02:47Now, one more thing.
02:49Your bathrooms are around the corner, in the hall to your left, and if you keep going in
02:53that direction, you get to our hot tub deck, which is always open.
02:58As I'm sure you've noticed, the sky is quite wonderful this time of year.
03:02Anything else you need, please do not hesitate to let me know.
03:05Thank you, Bjorn.
03:06Oh, thank you very much.
03:09I hope you both have an enjoyable stay.
03:11Good night?
03:12Excellent.
03:13Good night today also.
03:15Okay.
03:24This is amazing.
03:27Well, did I not realize that the bed would be made of ice?
03:31We just flew 16 hours to get frozen like Walt Disney.
03:34Walt Disney wasn't frozen.
03:36That's a myth.
03:37And look at this place.
03:39It was worth the trip.
03:41I mean, do we absolutely have to go every wacky place Rick Steves recommends?
03:45I mean, would it be so bad to stay somewhere that's not an experience but just a really nice hotel?
03:52Can't it be both?
03:54Doesn't it feel kind of nice?
03:56My skin feels so awake.
03:59Oh my God, seriously?
04:01Who knew?
04:04Hell is in Norway.
04:05Oh, come on.
04:06This is completely your bag.
04:07You love feeling bad.
04:09What are you doing over there?
04:15Looking for your cell phone.
04:17Val should have numbers by now.
04:18Oh, I already talked to Val at the airport.
04:20Come over here.
04:21Get under these blankets there.
04:22You talked to Val?
04:23What'd she say?
04:29It's on the list.
04:30Congratulations.
04:31Good.
04:32Great.
04:33Yeah.
04:34Now come over here.
04:35Have some brandy.
04:36It's so good.
04:37Where on the list?
04:39Oh, God.
04:40Stop it.
04:41It's a bestseller.
04:42I know.
04:43I'm just curious.
04:44Where?
04:45Top 20.
04:46Top 20?
04:47Yeah.
04:48But like closer to 11 or closer to 20?
04:51You're impossible.
04:53You're the most impossible bestselling author I know.
04:56Come over here.
04:58Why?
04:59Just come here.
05:02Look at this.
05:04That is amazing.
05:09Oh, God.
05:10I always wanted to see it.
05:12One time in Canada I came close, but this is so much better than I ever imagined.
05:19Kind of looks like a screensaver.
05:20Oh, yeah.
05:21Stop.
05:22Stop.
05:23Sit.
05:26Here you go.
05:27There.
05:28Isn't that warmer?
05:29Warmer than what?
05:30You can almost hear it.
05:31Can't you?
05:32Oh, it's turning purple.
05:33Look at that.
05:34Hmm.
05:35Guess what?
05:36Sitting on a block of ice makes you feel like you have to pee.
05:37Okay.
05:38So pee.
05:39Yeah, but does the toilet could be made out of ice?
05:40What if I stick to it?
05:41Here, don't pee, but shhh.
05:42Shh.
05:43Shh.
05:44Shh.
05:45Shh.
05:46Shh.
05:47Shh.
05:48Shh.
05:49Huh.
05:50Here.
05:51No one.
05:52No one.
05:53Shh.
05:54Here.
05:55Don't pee.
05:56Shh.
05:57Shh.
05:58It's too much
06:03to love.
06:07Okay.
06:08So pee.
07:09So we're going to go ahead and turn off that fasten seatbelt sign.
07:14Feel free to move about the cabin, Carol.
07:39May we get you anything?
07:45Nope.
07:47Uh, who's flying today?
07:49Carol.
07:49On the flight deck is Captain John McConnell.
07:52And also, First Officer Tom Deegan.
07:54These individuals have a combined 51,619 hours of flight time.
07:59And between the two of them, they've piloted every variant of this capable and trustworthy Airbus A330 aircraft.
08:05You're in good hands.
08:09That's weirder than the gal from TGI Fridays.
08:11You doing this because she freaked me out?
08:13That's an affirmative, Carol.
08:15Please stop that.
08:15It's much more spacious up in first class.
08:20Sure you want to be more comfortable there?
08:21It has lie-flat seats.
08:23You could get some rest.
08:25I'm fine where I'm at.
08:28Back in Spain, that was all the English speakers, right?
08:52Anyone with conversational ability, yes.
08:55Tell me about the non-English speakers.
08:56Certainly. What would you like to know?
08:58Anything. Everything.
09:01Well, let's see.
09:02There's Bora Kolak, a 60-year-old candy vendor in Istanbul.
09:05He speaks Turkish in Los Cats.
09:08In Bali, there's Aida Udui, 23, speaks Indonesian Balinese.
09:13She's a contortionist and a dancer.
09:15Performs the barong, the lagong, jibog.
09:18It's all quite exquisite.
09:19I'm sure. Keep going.
09:20Sidor Ameles in Sardinia is a fisherman.
09:23Or he was, but he's 89 and retired.
09:27There's Mary Kuxiakintola, lives in Masaru Lesotho.
09:30What does she do?
09:32Her family raises Basato Ponius, but she's only eight years old.
09:35She hasn't decided on the profession.
09:37Next.
09:37Abdul Karim Al-Shari lives in Aiden, Yemen.
09:41He's a 37-year-old muezzin.
09:44Muezzin, that's a...
09:45What is that?
09:47He sings a call to prayer.
09:49He has a powerful tenor voice.
09:51He also loves cats.
09:52Okay.
09:56But are there any medical doctors, any scientists or an expert of some kind?
10:02Oh, yes.
10:03According to Time Out magazine, Takeoki Tanaka Nosaka makes the best uro noodles in the entire Keihan Shin.
10:09That's not what I meant.
10:10Nope.
10:12All right.
10:12That makes what?
10:15Six.
10:16So you didn't say anything about the guy from...
10:19Where was it?
10:22Paraguay.
10:22What about him?
10:23Uh, his name is Manucio Zoviedo.
10:25We weren't aware of him for the first 33 hours.
10:28He manages a self-storage facility in Asuncion.
10:31So far, he hasn't really communicated with us.
10:36Ha.
10:38I want to talk to him.
10:39He only speaks Spanish and a bit of Guarani.
10:42Do you want us to translate for you?
10:44No.
10:45I'll manage.
10:48First thing, once I get home.
10:50We could try him right now, if you like.
10:53He's been a bit reluctant to get in contact.
11:10Try it again.
11:29Try it again.
11:29Uh, hola, senor?
11:51Ma'am, okay.
11:57I think we got, uh, cut off or something.
11:59Try it again.
12:00Okay.
12:00Okay, let's go.
12:06Hello, I'm Carol Sturka, I'm from the United States.
12:22The best, I'm Max.
12:24He's an empathic bitch.
12:36We're sorry, Carol.
12:56We don't think it was personal.
12:59We don't think it was personal.
13:29Hi, Carol.
13:35Really, please let us know if there's...
13:38Carol, one second.
13:42We have something for you.
13:49We gathered all the mail that was in transit for you.
13:56We think you're really gonna like what's in the box.
14:08Anything else we can do for you, just let us know.
14:13Yes, sir.
14:17There's no matter what we're able to...
14:19comedy's worth you were about to misscare.
14:24Good problem, It's not for you.
14:26Well, I think about it.
15:36Hi, Carol. What can we do for you?
15:51What exactly do you know about what's in this box in my mail?
15:55Helen ordered it for you. You'd been so stressed out on the tour. You tried one in the Atlanta
16:01airport, but you said it was too expensive, so Helen bought one online.
16:06Did she?
16:06She thought it would make a nice gift to celebrate the end of the tour. A homecoming present.
16:16Carol?
16:17Okay. Here's what's going to happen. You're going to forget everything you know about Helen.
16:26Every memory, every thought she ever had. Get her out of your head. Heads.
16:31Carol, we apologize.
16:33Never mention her again. Never think about her again. Only I get to remember her. You got that?
16:38Only me.
16:39Then how come you know he was a big dummy?
16:57Well, there were already three other people in town.
17:03But that's beside the point. One day, I got up the courage to go up to mean old lady Hickenlooper
17:09and ask her why she always frowned. Well, she had been born with no smiling muscles.
17:18I pointed out that a frown is just a smile turned upside down.
17:23So from then on, whenever I'd go by, she'd stand on her head and wave.
17:28What the hell?
17:58What is it?
18:13What?
18:16Good morning, Carol.
18:36What's with the food?
18:37It's the exact meal you had at that B&B you stayed at in Provincetown.
18:422012.
18:44Remember?
18:44You were there to see the Ennuka girls.
18:46You were very complimentary of the chef that morning.
18:49It really stuck with her.
18:51The sorghum flour in the pancake...
18:52So you took it upon yourself to make me breakfast?
18:56Well, we knew your fridge was pretty bare.
18:58You've only got tonic water, half a carton of oat milk, a jar of green olives, a jar of black olives, a jar of red olives...
19:05I told you Helen was off limits.
19:07Yes, of course, Carol.
19:08So, how the...
19:09How do you know what is in my fridge?
19:13Teresa from Mary Maids.
19:15You had them cleaned up just before you got home from the book tour.
19:19Is the food not to your liking?
19:21Would you like us to make you something else instead?
19:23Nope.
19:27I want you to leave me alone.
19:29It shows what you know, fuckers.
19:49It's three-quarters of a carton.
19:51I want you to leave me alone.
20:18What the fuck?
20:48What happened to my sprouts?
21:02Are you the grinch who steals supermarkets?
21:03So sorry.
21:05We're consolidating resources to centralize useful items for distribution.
21:10Food, medicine, anything helpful from stores or businesses, or what used to be private homes.
21:16It's just more efficient.
21:18Fine.
21:18Fine.
21:20I get it.
21:21Is there something specific you need?
21:23We can deliver to you anytime, anywhere.
21:25I am not going to call you every time I need something.
21:28I don't want you waiting on me.
21:31I am a very independent person, okay?
21:34I always have been.
21:36I fend for myself.
21:38I just want my sprouts back.
21:41Absolutely.
21:42Will do.
21:43Okay.
21:45Great.
21:46So, what, um, can we say Friday, maybe?
21:54I just need a rough estimate of when I should come back.
21:58We'll be there in a moment.
22:00I'll be there in a moment.
22:01I'll be there in a moment.
22:01I'll be there in a moment.
22:02I'll be there in a moment.
22:02I'll be there in a moment.
22:03I'll be there in a moment.
22:03I'll be there in a moment.
22:04I'll be there in a moment.
22:04I'll be there in a moment.
22:05I'll be there in a moment.
22:05I'll be there in a moment.
22:06I'll be there in a moment.
22:06I'll be there in a moment.
22:07I'll be there in a moment.
22:08I'll be there in a moment.
22:08I'll be there in a moment.
22:09I'll be there in a moment.
22:09Let's go.
22:39Let's go.
23:09Let's go.
23:39Let's go.
23:55Carol, may we sneak past you here?
23:59Let's go.
24:29Let's go.
24:59All set, Carol.
25:11Call us if there's...
25:12If there's something you want that's not here, we'll get it to you too, sweet.
25:42All set, let's go.
25:47There were some druid priests who were in town for the opening of Stonehenge land.
26:08And they said they said they could stop it if they could sacrifice the town's dumbest virgin.
26:14I don't know why I raised my hand.
26:21Damn it.
26:24Damn it.
26:28Damn it.
26:32You have got to be fucking kidding me.
26:39You have got to be fucking kidding me.
26:46You have got to be fucking kidding me.
26:53You have got to be fucking kidding me.
27:00You have got to be fucking kidding me.
27:07Don't tell me who's here.
27:16Don't tell me who's talking about this.
27:17We're going to be talking about this.
27:17Hello, Carol.
27:18So sorry to startle you.
27:21We didn't mean to do that.
27:23Why are you turning off the lights?
27:24Yes, we know. It was a mistake.
27:27We had a little problem isolating your branch circuit.
27:30But they're back on now, right?
27:31The lights at your house?
27:32Yes.
27:32Okay, good.
27:33Why are you turning them off everywhere else?
27:35For conservation.
27:36Just the ones that aren't necessary, which are, well, most of them.
27:40What, lights aren't necessary for you guys? You just see in the dark?
27:43Oh, no. Not at all.
27:45It's just that there's no crime to prevent.
27:47And we're not working at night.
27:49Except for essential operations.
27:50Water treatment, hospitals, things like that.
27:53Right, so it's more of your efficiency.
27:55Yes. You donated twice to the Sierra Club, so we felt you'd understand.
28:00If you'd like, we'd be happy to restore the rest of the lights.
28:03No! Screw it! Leave them off. Who gives a shit?
28:05Carol, is there anything we could do to cheer you up?
28:08Cheer me up? Why? I'm fine. I'm so happy.
28:14There is nothing wrong with me that a fucking hand grenade wouldn't fix.
28:17You got one of those? Because I think that would be the perfect topper
28:19for the greatest week in human history.
28:21Fuck it.
28:44Fuck it.
28:44Fuck it.
28:46Fuck it.
28:48Fuck it.
28:50Fuck it.
29:19It must have just been the excitement of the moment, but they said the only way to prevent
29:26the eruption was for me to crawl through their legs up the volcano while they gave me my birthday
29:31wax.
29:34Well, and you're not going to believe this.
29:49Yeah?
30:13Hi.
30:14Sorry it took so long.
30:15A hand grenade?
30:20Yes.
30:21We thought you were probably being sarcastic, but we didn't want to take the chance.
30:28Were you being sarcastic?
30:34Right.
30:34Of course you were.
30:36Do you want us to take...
30:38You know what?
30:39We're just gonna...
30:40We'll get rid of it.
30:45Feel better, Carol.
30:49Hey.
30:51Do you maniacs drink?
30:55It's okay.
30:57You can bring the hand grenade.
30:59Does the whole world get drunk when you drink?
31:17Like, does some six-year-old in Sri Lanka slur his words when you knock one back?
31:22No.
31:23It doesn't work like that.
31:24Hmm.
31:26How do you say cheers in Sanskrit?
31:27Shiba must do.
31:29Roughly, it means may everyone be blessed.
31:33Well done.
31:34Shoo...
31:35Shoo...
31:36Shoopy, shoop, shoop.
31:38You know the word vodka is a diminutive of voda, meaning water?
31:50Very similar to the Latin aqua vitai, literally water of life.
31:55That becomes a Scandinavian aquavit.
31:58Although the drinks are very different.
31:59Fun fact, whiskey has the same root meaning in Scots Gaelic from Wishka Baha.
32:07You don't say.
32:07What gives this particular brand its distinctive smoothness, it's distilled from both potato
32:17and corn.
32:19It is slightly alkaline.
32:20Do you taste that?
32:22Lower shelf alcohol tends to be acidic.
32:25The chief distiller learned the process from his grandfather.
32:27And now you learned it by stealing it out of his brain.
32:29How long do I have left before you turn me into a worker bee?
32:42It's a hard thing to predict.
32:45Scientific advances tend to ebb and flow.
32:47That's not an answer.
32:48How long?
32:51We're working around the clock.
32:53It could be as soon as a couple weeks.
32:54Or it could take months or longer.
32:59That's quite the range for someone who knows everything that there is to know.
33:07Regardless.
33:09Sooner or later, I'm fucked.
33:12Sorry, Carol.
33:13We have a biological imperative.
33:16You people make no goddamn sense.
33:19Do you know that?
33:20We want to make you happy, you say.
33:23Your life is your own, you say.
33:26An agency.
33:26I've got all this agency.
33:29But, I mean, I guess I have agency just until I don't?
33:36Carol.
33:38If you were walking by a lake and you saw somebody drowning, would you throw him a life preserver?
33:44Of course you would.
33:46You wouldn't think.
33:47You wouldn't wait.
33:48You wouldn't try to get consensus on it.
33:50You'd just throw it.
33:53So now I'm drowning?
33:58You just don't know it.
34:02Well, you people are brainwashed, is what you are.
34:07I mean, what could possibly be so great about this mind meld of yours?
34:14Actually, let me guess.
34:17It's all beautiful scenery and you feel nothing but contentment.
34:22Just wave after wave of bliss and peace and everything is perfect.
34:28It's like living inside a postcard every second of every day.
34:33Basically, it's every Rick Steves special ever, right?
34:37That kind of bullshit.
34:38Like you're taking a hike in the woods and there's a warm rain and the trees are so tall, you can't even see the tops.
34:47Or you're having coffee on the canals in Amsterdam and it's like you're in a coffee commercial.
34:53Or you're taking a walk at sunset on the most flawless beach in Croatia.
34:59Or you're in Norway above the Arctic Circle.
35:03And the hotel made of ice under a pile of furs.
35:10I told you that Helen was off limits.
35:26You are a bunch of mind fuckers.
35:40Wow, you've got this thing really jammed in there, don't you?
35:56Please, be careful with that.
36:00Right, Link, you would give me a real hand grenade.
36:04Carol, if we may.
36:26You gave me...
36:43You gave me...
36:48Oh, shit.
36:53Oh, shit.
36:55Oh, shit.
36:56Fuck.
36:57Oh, fuck.
37:08Shit.
37:09Okay, I'm gonna go get some help, okay?
37:11It's okay, Carol.
37:13Elvis, come on.
37:15Welcome.
37:22Ah!
37:24Ah!
37:28Ah!
37:52May we join you?
38:02We're happy to say, Zosia's doing much better.
38:06There was some blood loss, but no real nerve damage.
38:09She did get a little bit better.
38:11I'm happy to say that Zosia's doing much better.
38:15There was some blood loss, but no real nerve damage.
38:18She did get a little bit better.
38:21She did get a pretty severe concussion that we're going to want to keep an eye on.
38:25She's resting now.
38:28Can we get you a fresh change of clothes?
38:35Carol, your quick thinking really saved the day.
38:42Why would you give me a hand grenade?
38:45You asked for one.
38:47Why not give me a fake one?
38:51Oh, sorry if we got that wrong, Carol.
38:59If I asked right now, would you give me another hand grenade?
39:02Yes.
39:04Even after last night, you would give me another?
39:07Oh, sure.
39:08Okay.
39:09Okay, what about a bazooka?
39:14And the thing a bazooka shoots a rocket or whatever.
39:18Yes.
39:20All right.
39:23All right.
39:25What about...
39:27I don't know.
39:29A tank.
39:31Mm-hmm.
39:35What about...
39:37an atom bomb?
39:42Why would you want one?
39:44To blow shit up?
39:45For kicks?
39:46I mean, does it matter?
39:47You gave me a grenade, for fuck's sake.
39:57It'd be okay to say no at this point.
40:00That would be sane.
40:02Not utterly batshit crazy.
40:04If you truly wanted a nuclear weapon, we would weigh the pros and cons with you.
40:17We would explain that it would be very destructive.
40:19Yes or no?
40:24Ultimately?
40:26Yes.
40:28Wouldn't necessarily feel good about it.
40:32But we would move heaven and earth to make you happy, Carol.
40:40Would you like an atom bomb?
40:43I'm gonna have to get back to you on that.
40:51Okay.
40:53Okay.
40:54Oh, would you like a cup of coffee?
40:57Uh...
40:58One sugar with oat milk, right?
41:00And maybe a pinch of...
41:01You can go.
41:13You can go.
41:15I don't be afraid to eat.
41:16I'm gonna have to eat.
41:17If you don't know me, I'm gonna have to eat it.
41:19And the kiss is hot.
41:20I'm gonna have to eat then.
41:21I'm gonna have to eat.
41:22Poo-oo, pooo-oo, pooo-oo-oo!
41:27Poo-oo, pooo-oo-oo-oo!
41:31Poo-oo, pooo-oo, pooo-oo-oo-oo!
41:35Poo-oo, pooo-oo-oo-oo-oo!
41:39Thy glass will show
41:42they howl, thy beauty's fair
41:46thy dying howl
41:49Thou precious minute's waste
41:54These vacant leaves
41:58Thy mind's imprint will bear
42:02And oh, this boo
42:05This cloudy mace thou taste
42:19These offices shall fall with me
42:32These offices shall fall with me
42:49These offices shall fall with me
42:51These offices shall fall with me
42:53These offices shall fall with me
42:55These offices shall fall with me
42:57These offices shall fall with me
42:59These offices shall fall with me
43:01These offices shall fall with me
43:03These offices shall fall with me
43:05These offices shall fall with me
43:07These offices shall fall with me
43:09These offices shall fall with me
43:11These offices shall fall with me
43:13These offices shall fall with me
43:15They shall fall with me
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