Amandaland - Season 1 Episode 06- The Heesas
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00:00T-snoring nasal strips.
00:02Thank you, Bucky.
00:03To your athlete's foot spray.
00:05Oh, yeah. It really flared up under my bandage,
00:07but I guess if you get a fungus hot and damp,
00:09you're going to have issues, eh?
00:13I'm not going to miss sharing a bathroom with four people,
00:15but I'm really going to miss you.
00:19Oh, I'm going to miss you too.
00:21If you will live on the other side of London.
00:24Actually, Amanda, I got you a little surprise.
00:26Oh.
00:27As a thank you for looking after me
00:29while I was recovering from my war wound.
00:31To be honest, it was a snake bite.
00:33The snake went to war with me, Amanda.
00:35It wanted me dead.
00:38Ta-da!
00:42Oh, my God, Johannes!
00:45Yeah. It's a hybrid, like us.
00:48Because I love petrol and you love electric.
00:50And look, look, look.
00:52It's got a personalised number plate.
00:55It says sensuous.
00:57Yeah, it does.
00:58But my business is sensuous.
01:00I don't see what you're saying.
01:02I don't want to be difficult,
01:03but it's got too many fives.
01:05It should be 5-E-N-U-0-U-5.
01:08Well, you have to discard some of the letters as numbers.
01:10No, I know that's sweetheart,
01:11but you've done 5-E-N-5-U-0-U-5,
01:14and it should be 5-E-N-U-0-U-5.
01:17Amanda, I'm confused.
01:18Do you want the car or not?
01:20Yes, I do!
01:21I love it.
01:22I love it.
01:23Oh!
01:24Mmm!
01:25Oh!
01:26Mmm!
01:27Oh, wow!
01:34You know when people say,
01:35it's like watching a car crash in slow motion,
01:37this is what they mean.
01:38Joanna's bought her that.
01:40Apart from the fact I'm a massive lesbian,
01:42I do not understand what she sees in that huge plate of gamut.
01:46Yeah.
01:47I think we are all rooting for the snake.
01:50Hey-oh!
01:51Here she comes.
01:52Hi, Georgie.
01:53What's with the wristbands?
01:54I don't know.
01:55RSI, too much texting?
01:57Nice wheels, Amanda.
01:59Yeah.
02:00Little thank you from Johannes
02:01for being his sexy Florence Nightingale.
02:03Christ!
02:04No one ever tell him they're going right for a nurse.
02:05What's the price tag on that thing?
02:07Well, I didn't ask and I don't care.
02:09It's a very lovely gift.
02:11Diego.
02:1498 grand.
02:15Fee!
02:17I said I didn't care.
02:20Is it six figures with a sunroof?
02:22Yeah.
02:23Hi!
02:24Hey, hey, hey.
02:25Hey, Anne.
02:26Great news, you guys.
02:27The beer keller says they'll do us a keg of hoppy seconds
02:30at cost.
02:32Oh, yeah.
02:33What's this?
02:34Oh, we're just trying to organise
02:35the end of season awards party for the club.
02:37Yeah, last year was such a blast.
02:38We're going for the same again.
02:40So, keg of beer, a bit of a barbecue.
02:42Mal and Ned's famous disco.
02:43Oh, Anne.
02:44No, come on.
02:45Surely we can aim a little higher than that.
02:47That's all the subs will cover, sadly.
02:49We're not exactly Tottenham's hot spur.
02:52How are you a coach?
02:54Well, if it's a money issue, we might be able to lend a hand.
02:59Er, the royal we?
03:01Johannes and I.
03:02If you don't mind making a little donation,
03:04we wouldn't say no to some cav and a bucket of Haribo.
03:07And that's not how you spend money.
03:09Aye!
03:10Posh Spice!
03:11You blocked me in!
03:12It's fine.
03:13Senuous!
03:14Move it or I'll slap your tyres!
03:16Actually, I'm going to move it.
03:18It's actually Senuous!
03:20The Middle Ess is a five!
03:22Mummy, I'm mid-collab.
03:32I know.
03:33I'm actually in the market for, um, a fizzy tab.
03:37You've got a fizzy tab.
03:38Look, if you're bored, why don't you give Fia a call,
03:40see if she's around?
03:41I'm not bored.
03:42I'm just thinking of you, cooped up in your showroom.
03:45And I was thinking, you know, you're looking a bit...
03:47Thin?
03:48Tired.
03:49You've got bags under your eyes.
03:50Well, I'm fine.
03:52Amanda!
03:53Kate, I've got to go, Mummy.
03:54Yes?
03:56Amanda, can you do a delivery for me to reach London?
03:58Do I look like a postman, Daniel?
04:00Look, it's 500 quid's worth of taps.
04:03They've asked for you by name.
04:04Who orders 500 pounds worth of taps?
04:16Oh, man!
04:18Worth every penny.
04:20The taps.
04:21The taps.
04:22I'm talking about the taps.
04:23Johannes!
04:24Sorry, I was...
04:25I've just missed this so much.
04:29Listen, Johannes.
04:30Um, I was wondering if you thought it'd be fun to sponsor the Kids Football Awards this year.
04:36Just because it's such a deprived area.
04:39And, um...
04:40Yeah, sure.
04:41Really?
04:42Yeah.
04:43Oh.
04:45Well, they'll be thrilled.
04:48Could be a nice little, uh, send off.
04:50A what?
04:51Well, I've been thinking about your living situation and, uh...
04:54Oh!
04:55Oh!
04:56Oh!
04:57Oh!
04:58Oh!
04:59Oh!
05:00Oh!
05:01Oh!
05:02Oh!
05:03Oh!
05:04Oh!
05:05Oh!
05:06Oh!
05:07Oh!
05:08Oh!
05:09Oh!
05:10Oh!
05:11Oh!
05:12Oh!
05:13Oh!
05:14I've got the keys to this place.
05:15Oh!
05:16I thought you and the kids might like to move in.
05:17Oh!
05:18Oh!
05:19There's tons of space.
05:20Got a bathroom each.
05:21The guy upstairs lives in Singapore and the guy downstairs had his assets frozen.
05:25So, talk about quiet.
05:26Yeah!
05:27And look at the view.
05:30You know we get seals here.
05:31What about the kids' schools?
05:32Ah!
05:33I'll just pay for St. Anthony's.
05:34It's much better than the dump they're at now.
05:37God!
05:38That's so kind!
05:42Can I think about it?
05:43yeah of course it's a big step yes for both of us 50 years of bachelor I'm throwing my keys around
05:48willy-nilly what have you done to me Amanda lost my bloody mind let's not say anything to the kids
05:56just yet just like they need to find the right time to talk to them about it anything from the
06:01lady oh hey hey hey look look look look look I see him oh wow look at that little fella
06:10oh wait wait no it's a it's a tire oh yeah so we'll just wait a couple more minutes until we have
06:25everyone and then sorry I'm late murder my cola sorry murder I'll get off your way okay
06:33let's get started great okay yeah so um I think you all know Amanda who has very kindly offered
06:41to sponsor this year's event namaste guys just glad we can give something back so I think we can all
06:47agree that like last year's a party was uh pretty awesome so as the old saying goes you know if it
06:53ain't broke don't go tinkering with the original I just think we've had a terrific year as a club
06:57and it's time we had a bit more pride in ourselves you know we could like part the barbecue get a
07:03caterer in oh I could do my sausage rolls because there uh ain't no party like an ann sausage party
07:08no thank you ann no we are getting professionals in uh can you see if the people who did my 40th
07:13birthday are available uh they've gone out of business in a year well I was actually five years
07:18school because you're four I'm thinking photo booth it's yours machine um I'm spitballing here guys
07:26uh mixologist professional DJ oh whoa whoa come on the only reason I got involved with any of this
07:31football shit is so me and Ned can DJ the party okay Mal sure though it doesn't talk about you
07:38can I just get some plain old cava like I'm not great with the cocktails it mixes together fine in
07:45the metal thingy but once it hits my colon it's like the rapids in center parks fine we'll get
07:49some carver great yeah well that's sorted then I will call my friend at bluebird and get him
07:55started on the cocktail design and uh you call the jurors people that was a really brilliant idea
08:00yeah yeah yeah it's great to see her back to her old self she's had a bit of a crappy year
08:09so maybe just let her have this one thing that's what they said about Poland
08:13yeah Mika to the left no your other left actually sorry no I was right to the left
08:25I see right right yeah no I didn't all the cava stuff tastes like fizzy piss you'll have to send
08:31it back and knock it off the bill yeah yeah that's it that's it that's it just put it just there would
08:36you look at this oh it's like the New York Mets gala in here that's two different things then but
08:41uh yeah love the banner oh yeah Hannah's got that printed such a nice thought look I know you said not
08:47to Amanda but I made some of my famous sausage rolls just in case they're not famous um they are in my
08:52house yes that's not what famous means let's leave the catering to the caterers shall we okay everyone
08:58all hands on deck
08:59what does an offside mule have in it it's a Moscow mule oh that's very good and the um the pina red carda
09:15it's a pina colada oh that's very clever hey hold on well someone's on it I have to tell Fee the
09:25business is going under what heck yep safety in numbers and coming out to my parents taught me
09:33that I require a very specific amount of alcohol before I reach a place of complete honesty what's
09:38the amount oh it's a very delicate balance the trick is to stop just south of vomiting
09:43hmm did you just add on a cocktail oh no can I please have a glass of carver we haven't got carver
09:50what hey could I get a suha moha and a golden baller for Mr. Vanderveld please
09:57Amanda you forgot my carver yes Johanna sent it back he says it's not a proper drink and it's just
10:04Spain pretending to be France have something else come on be adventurous one for you just a beer please
10:09sorry we haven't got beer tonight it's just cocktails the Aussie guy said so
10:12welcome this must be your beautiful wife or girlfriend oh yeah because football fans
10:17famously hate beer come on you can have your tinnies in your cheap bubbles anytime let's
10:21keep it classy for one night I'm trying to raise the bar here literally thank you Jude
10:27oh mummy look at you so are you staying well the kids virtually begged me and so I jiggled a few
10:42things around in the diary oh that's great Georgie take the wristband off you look like Andy Murray I like
10:47it's cool it doesn't go with the dress darling well neither did your plaid shirts and chokers will you
10:52let it go actually mummy I'm glad I've got you what generally or don't say anything to the kids
10:57but Johannes has asked us to move into his place in Wapping well that's a very kind offer yeah he's so
11:05generous and he worships me but I don't know if it feels like things are moving too fast or well
11:12sometimes you have to move fast don't you I mean you're not getting any younger oh none of us are
11:18think my dermatologist would disagree look I know I pretended to like this place you haven't Wapping
11:24is the new Holland Park I'm so excited good for you darling thank you mummy oh it's starting get
11:33yourself a drink good evening everyone thank you so much for coming we've got lots to get through
11:38this evening lots of awards to give out um could I have a girl fashioned without the bitters or the
11:42soda water that's just a whiskey yeah three of those in one glass well it's been a very positive season
11:49for the under 11s our unbeaten record in 10 of our 18 games
11:54thanks
11:55Christ what the hell's in that oh that might be mine
12:00oh my god is that a tattoo it's just pen chill pen my home that is a prison tattoo have you seen that
12:09it's not a big deal please tell me Georgie hasn't got one yeah of course
12:13we're best mates
12:14please put your hands together
12:16JJ
12:18and now for the most improved award the award for the most improved player the most improved
12:32player joined us at the beginning of the season and has quickly become an absolute linchpin of the
12:39team I can't wait to see what she does next season so let's put our hands together for Georgie Hughes
12:46this is my own creation I call it the van de Velda slammer
13:00Georgie's off you guys sit down please sit down
13:04Georgie and well done Georgie up next it's the under 15s category
13:09Sophie Webster come up and collect the award for player of the year
13:16go on
13:30Last but not least, a huge thank you to our sponsors.
13:34Oh, you're welcome.
13:36Dick.
13:37Without whose generosity tonight would be so different.
13:43A great big round of applause for Amanda.
13:46Yes!
13:47Come on, baby.
13:49Come on, come on.
13:52There she is.
13:53All right, my baby.
13:55Woo!
13:55Thanks, everyone.
13:57Wow, that is a lot of dupery goodness.
14:02Thank you, of course, to Anne for...
14:07Thanks, Anne.
14:11So, on behalf of the Vandervelde Senuas Foundation,
14:17I just want to say what a privilege it is to support the little guys,
14:21you know, because we might be up here,
14:25but we never forget about down there.
14:30So, um, have a great evening and enjoy the party.
14:34All right, baby!
14:35That's my pleasure!
14:53Hey.
14:53Hey.
14:54Listen, I was wondering, could you play me a little bit of Rick Astley?
14:57I don't think I have any well, maybe you could just plug your phone in or something. I'm more of a vinyl guy
15:02You know old-school DJ. Yeah, well, maybe you could make an exception seeing as I'm paying for all this
15:10Yeah, right
15:13I'll stick it on after this for you Rick Astley. Yeah Rick Astley. Yeah
15:19What does she see that dickhead oh, you know she seems happy, and I think she's really into him
15:24I don't know about you, but I can't drink another crossbar Garese. I'm gonna sneak out get some beers anyone want anything ah
15:33Now you're talking to my language. Yeah, we can't because Amanda will kill us. She wants everything all fancy in here
15:39Oh, you can't drink it in here. There's always the shipping container at the back. Yes, mate
15:45Two bottles I have money
15:54Sweetheart, come on. It'll be like when the Beckham's do it. Here. No. Okay. Well, just take the wristband off
16:02No, it's cool. Just for the photo. You won't want to look back on yourself in sports schedule
16:07Okay, there we go
16:09Sweetheart, like this. Like this. Your hands like this. There we
16:13OMG, is that a tattoo? No
16:16Only a little one. Me and Morten did them to each other. Why would you do that?
16:19Because we're best mates. No, you're not. You're two kids who ended up in the same class for a bit
16:25You're gonna look at that a scab of hepatitis in a few years, and you're gonna say what was I thinking?
16:29No, I won't. You will Georgie. I don't know anyone from when I was your age. What does that tell you?
16:35That nobody liked you
16:37I'll be so scared
16:38That nobody liked you
16:39And you're gonna look at the same class for a bit
16:40Oh, I don't know anyone from where you're going to go
16:41I don't know anyone from where you're going to go
16:42I don't know anyone from where you're going to go
16:43Oh, she is!
16:44Oh, she is!
16:45She is!
16:46She is the king of the noise now
16:47Oh, my feet
16:48Bubbles for Ann
16:49Gasp it for the discipline
16:50Gaspray!
16:51And we've got this
16:52What?
16:53Oh, she is lively
16:55I didn't say that
16:56I'll get you a glass, man
16:57Cheers!
16:58I just wanna tell you what I'm feeling
17:03Someone needs to be filming this.
17:15Where's Anne?
17:16Can I say you look insanely hot tonight.
17:19I sent like five photos of you to my rugby mate's WhatsApp group.
17:22And they all agree you're a stunk old ten.
17:25The place looks great.
17:26You've really polished a turd.
17:28Speaking of which, there's a great new sports centre in Wapping.
17:32I know.
17:33No pressure.
17:36Yeah, can I get, like, an empty wine glass, please?
17:40There you are.
17:41I've been looking for you guys.
17:42Hey!
17:45Let's just get some ice.
17:47Hot work.
17:49Spitting the old ones and twos.
17:50Have you seen everyone?
17:51Where's Anne?
17:52We've got to get the whole gang photo booth.
17:54Yeah!
17:55Come on.
17:56I'm not so aware of it.
17:56It's so good.
17:58You know.
17:59Well, you need them?
18:01Come on.
18:03Upstairs, downstairs.
18:09It's such a fun party, isn't it?
18:11Oh, it's so fun.
18:13Oh, he's so generous, isn't he?
18:17Johannes.
18:18Yeah.
18:18Well, he really knows how to spend money on things.
18:23Yeah.
18:24You ready?
18:25Yeah.
18:25Do you remember the thing you said in the hospital about me being too good for Johannes?
18:39I don't remember saying anything.
18:41I had just taken an ecstasy by accident.
18:45Oh.
18:46Kind of.
18:46And I should...
18:48Yeah, yeah, no, I...
18:49That really does taste like cappuccino.
18:57I just think the way she talks to me like I'm a kid.
19:01Yeah, I know, babe.
19:02It feels so right.
19:02It just really annoys me.
19:03Aw.
19:05What's up, sweetheart?
19:06Mum's pissed off because me and Morton got, like, the tiniest tattoo.
19:10Like she can talk.
19:12What?
19:13Look, I think it's really lovely to have a little memento.
19:17A little something to remember, um...
19:19Morton.
19:19Morton by.
19:21At your new school.
19:22New school?
19:23What?
19:24Whoops.
19:24Gengen, what's going on?
19:27No, it's not for me to say.
19:28Hey, guys.
19:33Dope fits, for real.
19:34Um, have any of you guys seen Morton's mum or your mum, Darius?
19:39Not for a bit, actually.
19:40Sorry.
19:40Okay.
19:41Cool, cool.
19:41Gucci.
19:42Um, well, enjoy yourselves, yeah?
19:45Gucci?
19:47Anne?
19:49Guys?
19:50Guys?
19:54Shit.
20:00It's Amanda.
20:01Just...
20:02I feel like I'm in The Walking Dead.
20:08What are you doing in here?
20:13Why aren't you at my party?
20:15It's not your party, doll.
20:17It's the club's party.
20:20Yeah, I'm just not very...
20:22Cocktails and canapies.
20:23Canapies.
20:24Exactly.
20:24See, I don't even know that.
20:26And in fairness, we did say we wanted something a bit more...
20:29low-key.
20:32Great.
20:34At least we know where we all stand.
20:36And next year, you can have your trough of lager and your scotch shakes,
20:38because I won't be here.
20:39Don't be like that.
20:40No, I won't be here, Anne.
20:42I'm moving to Wapping with Johannes.
20:45What?
20:47No, you're not.
20:48You can't move to Wapping.
20:50What about...
20:50everything here?
20:52Please, Anne, this was always a stopgap.
20:54I do not belong in South Halston.
20:55I should be among people who would appreciate this party.
20:58I'm a canapé person, Anne.
21:00And I refuse to spend my life amongst sausage rolls.
21:11Hot.
21:11Fucking hot.
21:13Johannes.
21:17Yes.
21:18Yes, what?
21:19Yes, I will move to Wapping with you.
21:20Oh, you...
21:22You will...
21:23Oh, my God!
21:26I'm so fucking happy!
21:28I love this woman!
21:30I bloody love this woman!
21:34I'm gonna call my mother.
21:36She'll be so relieved!
21:37I'm coming back inside, Anne.
21:48Uh, yeah.
21:50I can't go in there.
21:52I don't want to see her.
21:55Would you tell Darius I'll be waiting outside?
21:57Yeah, of course.
21:58I hate her.
22:06It's not fair.
22:06She's already made us move school once.
22:08I just love it here.
22:10Come on, girls.
22:11Are you okay?
22:16What's wrong?
22:17My gang-in said Mum's moving us to Wapping
22:19and I don't want to go.
22:21It sucks.
22:23But your mammy loves you
22:24and she wouldn't be doing this
22:25unless she thought it was good for you.
22:28And sometimes in life
22:29we have to do things that people don't like
22:31because in the long run
22:34it's the right thing to do.
22:39Even if people might hate you for a bit.
22:41For God's sake.
22:57That's miles away.
22:58Excuse me, ladies and gentlemen.
23:12If I could just get a minute of your time, please.
23:14To be honest, I can do
23:16because I paid for all this.
23:19Um, Amanda.
23:21Where's Amanda?
23:23Amanda?
23:25Amanda?
23:26Amanda!
23:26There she is.
23:28Amanda, come up, girl.
23:29Come up.
23:32Come up here, baby.
23:36What's going on?
23:37Now, I know we haven't known each other
23:40for very long at all
23:41but when you've had a near-death experience
23:44like I had recently
23:45it makes you realise
23:49what's important about life.
23:52So...
23:53What have you done to me?
23:59I'll hardly ever do this.
24:01What are you going to do?
24:02Amanda.
24:03Yes?
24:04Would you do me the honour
24:05of becoming my wife?
24:07Don't do it, Amanda!
24:17Anne?
24:18No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
24:19Absolutely not.
24:20The fuck?
24:21You can't marry him.
24:22What?
24:23I know you don't want to hear this
24:24because he's rich
24:25and he has a nice flat.
24:26It's a penthouse.
24:27It's a penthouse.
24:28But as your best friend
24:29it is my duty
24:30to tell you things
24:31that you might not want to hear.
24:32And I'm telling you this right now.
24:33You cannot marry him.
24:35You're too good for him.
24:39You're not my best friend, Anne.
24:41Yes, I am.
24:42No, you're not.
24:43My best friend is called Elizabeth
24:44and she lives in Canada.
24:45She was my maid of honour.
24:47Well,
24:48I don't see her here now, Amanda.
24:51Stopping you from making
24:52the biggest mistake of your life.
24:55We are best friends.
24:57Whether you liked or not.
24:58And that's how I know
24:58you don't love him.
25:00And don't go telling me
25:00oh, he makes me happy
25:01because you've half a sausage roll
25:02on your chin.
25:03And if you eating carbs
25:05isn't a cry for help
25:06then I don't know what is.
25:07So please
25:08don't marry this dick
25:10and don't leave Soha
25:11for the love of God.
25:16Right.
25:16Well, if the drunk lady's
25:18finished with her floor show
25:19then, uh...
25:19I'm not even drunk.
25:21Thanks to you.
25:22Well, if this is you sober, madam
25:23then you are an embarrassment.
25:25Hey.
25:27Don't talk to her like that.
25:29Okay.
25:29Okay.
25:30Look, I'll make it real simple
25:31for you.
25:31Right.
25:32You know the life
25:34I can give you.
25:35Now, do you want that life?
25:37Or would you rather stop here
25:39drinking shit wine
25:40in the ass end of nowhere?
25:47Here you go, darling.
25:51You know what, Amanda?
25:53All the best!
25:54I know.
26:00He closed the tab.
26:01I had to go to something
26:02called a Londis.
26:06I would have said yes.
26:10But look where that gets you.
26:12I'm so proud of you, darling.
26:13I can't drink this filth.
26:24I'm sure I saw a bottle
26:25of peach schnapps in there.
26:26I need to talk to you right now.
26:36Oh, okay.
26:36Should we?
26:37No, no, no.
26:38Right now.
26:40Okay, what the fuck is...
26:43We're screwed.
26:44I borrowed too much
26:45for double chin
26:46and it's taken out both shins.
26:48I've tried everything
26:49but the numbers
26:51just don't add up.
26:52So, yeah, we're screwed.
26:59God.
27:00What?
27:01I've barely seen your smile
27:02in the last two years.
27:03In fact, I've barely seen you
27:05in the last two years.
27:07No, I want all the success
27:09in the world for you, darling,
27:10but if it's not making you happy
27:12and this means that I might get you back
27:14and just let it go,
27:20we'll be okay.
27:22I can just start selling
27:23my ceramic pots.
27:26I just wanted to say,
27:32your sausage rolls
27:36are actually delicious.
27:40I know.
27:47She's right, you know.
27:49Well, you know,
27:50Elizabeth was my best friend,
27:51but with the distance,
27:53we sort of...
27:53No, not that.
27:55You are too good for him.
27:58Are you coming, big man?
27:59Yep.
28:01Ned.
28:03There is space in the potmobile
28:05if you want to lift back to my house.
28:07My house?
28:08Well, I'm 34,
28:09you're 34A,
28:11so, er...
28:12Mummy, kids,
28:13come on,
28:13we're going home.
28:15Mum,
28:16have you got a tattoo?
28:19What?
28:20I didn't tell her.
28:23Well, thanks a lot, Mummy.
28:24Sea Lion.
28:37dead.
28:43Where are you?
28:44I know.
28:44I know.
28:45Well, I can't show you.
28:45Would be great here.
28:47Yeah?
28:48That's my house.
28:48I know.
28:48I may say dead.
28:49I say dead.
28:49I know.
28:50But that's true.
28:50I can't.
28:51I mean, I have noção...
28:51The Wrap, I know,
28:52Ma, I know,
28:52I know, I know.
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