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00:00here because the only things that hang on christmas day are mistletoe holly
00:04and then somehow there's tinsel yes hi there's still no sign of our cab and i really need to
00:09get to my aunts for lunch yes georgie you're tipping the pavlova huh the pavlova you need
00:15to keep it upright or the compote will breach the meringue why did you make this well aunt joan has
00:20got this hilarious photo of me with the pavlova when i was about manis's age and i thought it'd
00:25be super cute to recreate it with you two we'll have the perfect family christmas at aunt jones
00:30she has the biggest tree yes what no no you no you can't cancel it's christmas day
00:40where else am i going to get a cab on christmas day merry christmas neighbor cute pjs
00:48come on man shut up you're tipping the pavlova okay what's the address oh if you just put in
00:59siren sester siren sester amandri there's practically whales you said a quick lift you said you had no
01:05plans today no i said i planned on doing nothing different thing led with his mom i was gonna crack
01:10open the baileys order a curry and watch me some die hard oh mal how depressing at least you have
01:15company now i don't want company oh can we just do a small detail
01:24you having a good creme bar felicity not really i was supposed to be in south africa
01:28but amanda guilt tripped me into visiting my sister what's wrong with your sister she's a nightmare
01:34it's just all laughter and games and endless bloody cheese boards she's completely over the top
01:41she asks us every year mommy and we never go it's getting rude and i would love the kiddos to have
01:46a traditional cotswoldian noel and well they're still enchanted by the magic of christmas but does
01:51she have a ps5 no she doesn't have a ps5 minus i don't even think she has the internet oh no way
01:59right sam i should take it a little christmas present for her and amanda it's a disaster i've been at the
02:07airport now for about 14 hours and they finally just cancelled our flight to dublin oh and no what
02:13a shame well look thanks for keeping me posted chris and the kids went to head to cork i was supposed
02:18to join yesterday but because of the storm i'm completely stranded and everybody who i know and
02:22love is hundreds of miles away chris darius pat roisin yes pat her husband pat their kids young pat and
02:31patricia and edgar and barley and pat yeah uh you know he froze on our way actually no no no no no no
02:42oh my god i miss you all so much
02:45christmas has officially started it's off your phones now please eat your heart out downtown
03:02abbey well hardly it's only 11 acres and a ha-ha why is that funny no a ha-ha it's like a giant ditch
03:09you should know what a ha-ha is you're a gardener oh yeah i've seen loads of ha-ha's in ha-ha's
03:17oh look she's put the reindeer out for the kids oh mommy do you remember when bombo the
03:22shetland tried to mount one god that was funny this is why i don't go to therapy some memories are
03:29best repressed guys guys right you need this that just gave us that if you learn nothing from
03:48adolescence and and this is my christmas happy place so please don't be a debbie downer okay
04:06oh i'm so sorry to spring this one you've been a bit of a disaster is it cool if my mom friend
04:10am joins us oh and of course you look like you need a stiff drink thank you but um but no if i
04:18can't be with my family then what's the point oh dear girl come in come in come in a divorce
04:23no storm geraldine storm jerry christmas oh oh for me wow no no no no i don't believe it
04:33no no i won't touch you no don't don't touch them we'll hang in a moment yes come in yes don't touch
04:38don't touch it don't touch it yes they're gorgeous all right thank you that's great thanks so much
04:43johnny didn't tell me you're bringing a lover no no no no no no no no no he's fine he has plans
04:52it's okay have you got plans yeah i was just gonna use your loo if i may before i nip off i've got a
04:56date with john mclean no fantastic you're a homosexual it's a die-hard reference i was gonna watch it
05:03with the curry oh god how costly you will stay for a pre-prandial come on what's a pre-prandial
05:08it's a posh word for a drink yeah yeah okay pat can you put chris back on yeah so i have an
05:16alert set up on my phone for when the flights reopen and if you could just have everyone there
05:21checking the internet where should i put my coat down oh keep it on this house is bloody freezing
05:27isn't it magical it's giving hardcore narnia vibes right i mean wow that's what i call a tree
05:41is it plastic oh my god she's still got that daddy bought that in the 70s
05:46probably the newest thing in this place how odd i distinctly remember the scent of pine needles no this
05:52house smells the way it's always smelled damp dogs desperation
06:00now i've been absolutely dying for you to arrive we've got everything here we've got some olives
06:05over there there's this trout pate we've got mini quiches prawn volivores and these really fun things
06:12from marx and spencers mini burgers who've seen these oh oh oh oh no no no no let's clean that one up won't we
06:20oh oh oh joanie where should i put the pavlova is that granny gush's recipe yes it is minus the
06:27powdered egg i thought it might be fun to recreate that famous pudding photo from that amazing christmas
06:34yes yeah yeah i've got it in the oven let me look for the oven everybody dig in
06:39flick deviled egg have a deviled egg flick devil egg egg flick devil egg fine i'll have a deviled egg i think
06:48it's under here somewhere now where's that famous photo ah yes now look at that look at that look at
06:59that it is look at gang gang what a hottie is that yima yeah that was me pre-blossom just on the cusp of
07:07discovering clearacil and wonder bras oh my goodness look at that i'm wearing the same jumper oh no stop
07:14that's perfect i thought it'd be really fun to restage the photo with manis and george so the
07:20hemsworth brothers did one sitting on their mum's lap and it pretty much broke the internet i remember
07:24the hemsworth brothers hmm hemsworth brothers yes you you stepped out with one they had the tractor
07:30dealership in amply st peter it was the hemswood brothers hemswood yeah i slept with all three of them
07:35oh well done you and the father mommy oh charlie good now drink your poops oh damn what's that
07:45i didn't know what's in those ones oh is that you flick no one must see those yep yep yep yep
07:52this house is literally freezing my family be back from mass about now do you think jesus will
08:08punish me for missing his birthday you know what you need air slow gin very good for melancholia the
08:15night my father died i drank two bottles as right as rain in the morning i suppose i could have a small
08:20glass just to steady the nerves because um i don't think i've ever done a christmas well my family
08:26none of that now come on get that down your gullet
08:32yes got a kick to it that's the 1978 vintage the year you were born oh actually now what do
08:37the children want what can we get for them do you have any time no no no no don't don't worry
08:42he'll have a coca-cola i've got a cola i've got a can of cola here there we go lovely
08:50oh come on oh i think that's seen better days ludo can have that ludo ludo ludo look what's here
08:58look what's here oh your christmas present yes it's just oh that's marvellous i don't believe it
09:06that's tremendous look at that wow oh oh my goodness no joan it's the bath the but the joan
09:18and i've swallowed it i have a bath later darling i have a bath later didn't i just gift you that
09:25yes i loved it so much that i went out and bought exactly the same one for aunt joan
09:31i need ice in my whiskey you'll find plenty in the toilet oh no will you come in here and sit down
09:37please oh thank you um i was actually gonna hit the road no no we're not having you spending a day
09:41alone you and anne are our christmas guests of honor so sit i've got a goose to go and get out of the
09:47the oven i've never been anyone's christmas guest of honor before it says the same one
09:52i love this to amanda that's this i went out and put exactly the same one for joan without this
09:57given it i don't know it's probably so long though i don't know luncheon is served oh lovely come on oh
10:03those are the photos gangan doesn't want anyone seeing come on boys
10:07please no tell them yes it's a larger box but it's actually the same value gift because i went
10:16by money spent and not by value okay no devices please okay oh well don't sit there sorry because
10:26of the photos we need to match the old pavlova pigs so yeah mommy needs to sit there jones here
10:30mommy you're here no i need a clear line to an exit well okay well well yeah we can all move around
10:37for pudding can you get back in and come back out i want to film it for the memories just tuck in
10:46tuck in tuck in just me a sec yes it's gonna be so good and could you just lean out because the tear
10:50stains i just miss my family you know anne yes you say goosey and uh oh look at that dig in we've got a
10:59side of beef york shows a ham and some little piggies and blankets mom just eat it it's christmas
11:05hmm what i'm vegan oh it's fine i'll just eat the veg not just eat the veg not on my watch you
11:15won't i'll i'll i'll wrestle up a uh a souffle oh do you see what i mean it's just too much she's just
11:25trying to make us all happy mommy and uh did you did you notice the stuffed stoat in the hallway no no oh
11:33let me show you quickly i'm not that into stoats yes but um honestly i think you'll find this one very
11:39interesting yeah i don't know who told you that i was into stoats but actually this one is is quite
11:48unusual okay listen forget the stud i just saw some pictures of felicity i wasn't supposed to see
11:52and now i can't unsee what i saw god they weren't nudies were they no they're not nudies is anyone
11:58wearing a nazi uniform no just not not just just look oh blimey o'reilly is that is that felicity and
12:07sir mick jagger yes looks like they're on holiday together jesus he was such a ride back then yeah it
12:12looks like it was riding felicity omg is is she pregnant yes and look it's holding her stomach
12:21and summer of 77. joan just said that amanda was born in 78. you don't think sir mick jagger is
12:31no no no don't be ridiculous i've seen enough episodes of alie mcbeal to know this is all
12:36purely circumstantial evidence just because it goes clip-clap doesn't mean it's a zebra
12:41guys come on we're about to eat
12:47i want to be here we are let me get this on first i'll need my glasses on here we go joke
12:55why didn't santa pay for his sleigh why didn't santa have to pay for his sleigh because it was on the
13:02house oh that's so bad it's actually quite good i know another joke how do you titillate an ocelot
13:10i've no idea joan how do you titillate an ocelot you oscillate its tits a lot
13:14it's not like she bloody wrote it go on flick your turn oh here we go
13:24mommy put the hat on you'll need it for the pavlova photo no i don't do paper hats
13:27flick do the joke where's the joke i don't do jokes come on mommy it's christmas come on flick flick flick
13:40come on what is the coldest country in the world i don't know what is the coldest country in the
13:47world russia oh i think you're reading the trivia there felicity
13:59where are you going mommy we haven't done the photo i'm going to watch the king's speech
14:03was it that time oh i love the king's speech brilliant everyone fill a glass let's go and
14:08sit we can do the pavlova we're after we can do the pavlova we're after
14:11flick flick don't wait for us wait for us
14:22happy and glorious
14:44i have to say this is the most delicious cav i've ever drank darling and it's not car for it
14:48champagne real champagne yes from france yes i've never had french champagne from france
14:56stop fussing i can't see the television eyes eyes eyes eyes i think john is lovely
15:03classic stockholm syndrome are you a big fan of the royal family felicity oh once met a few of them
15:08miller's a lot i've probably met a few members of the rock royal family in your time well i once
15:15live next door but one to christoburg oh right pavlova time oh finally get the camera i don't want
15:22pavlova mommy you can't always get what you want um actually i can't think of food for a bit amanda
15:29overdid it on the parsnips you don't have to eat it it's just a photo oh i know we'll have a parlor
15:34game while we all digest who'd like a round of are you there moriarty i don't know what that is
15:39well what about um how are he do you know the minister's cat do you know no no no pass the
15:45slipper no fan the candle you must know hot cockles hot cockles what else have we got elephants for
15:50god's sake why don't we just play hide and seek oh that's a terrific idea so much fun well done that
15:57girl i'll count 50 off you go and then after this we'll do the public right i'll start now come on
16:03one two i've started two i've started three anything to get away from her better hurry five six seven
16:17eight there nine ten i know chris but i don't know what you expect me to do about just i can't make a
16:23put on a shoe 300 miles away look i really have to go
16:30bloody hell other people's christmases are mental when are we gonna tell her what absolutely never
16:38it's not our family secret so we're gonna forget where they saw those photos but we did see those
16:42photos mel and i really think amanda deserves to know what do i deserve to know what the hell are you
16:48hiding yeah we're playing hide and seek what do i deserve to know ask mal oh thanks anne
16:55will someone tell me what's going on sure the photos
17:04are these pictures of my mum on holiday what's the big deal look who she's with
17:10her is that mick checker are you minx sitting on mick's lap i sat on prince harry's lap when i was
17:18in mahiki once did i get a mention in the book oh my god she's pregnant that's hardly a secret keep
17:26looking she's smoking no no no no look at the date on the back of the folder okay look who's holding the
17:35bump no no no way no way is my father
17:47is that an airy government okay
18:04oh god
18:17it's so weird isn't it when you look at us together now look now look now can you open
18:34that door please i need some air i mean it's a shock but it's also not a shock you know
18:40because it explains a lot i mean i wonder if the man i thought was my father ever knew
18:45the truth poor daddy this must be why my parents divorced baby joan told them that must be why
18:54we never see joan that sounds about right can you just put my sleeve please so i can't get some layers
19:01off
19:04come in
19:06where are you
19:10oh my god it's locked can't get under there
19:15ha ha hoist by your own petard there ann i think oh my goodness
19:26my system's not used to champagne no come on more to find
19:30oh my goodness no
19:35yeah another little slifter
19:38oh gotcha oh please don't tell mom i won't if you won't
19:50oh i'm upstairs
19:54oh ding dong christmas comes once a year
20:05do you know i knew you'd do a love bird
20:08we not he just drove us here
20:10i had to take some clothes off
20:12cats have the bag joanie i've seen the photos
20:16oh
20:16yeah spill the tea
20:19right uh well i suppose it's only a matter of time but listen
20:23you're going to have to speak to your mother about those
20:24where is she
20:26i'm buggered if i know because i've searched the whole house
20:29oh darling you stay with your paramour
20:31oh if you're finished finish
20:32no stop joan
20:32can i have some water please
20:34mommy
20:37right okay let's split up
20:42i'll take the lawn
20:43joan you do the meadow
20:45and um and you and the kids check the drive
20:48okay
20:49felicity
20:52would you look at this
20:56christmas night
20:58i'd still be doing the washing up at home if i was there right now
21:02yeah not standing here
21:04looking at the stars
21:06sorry hang on sorry
21:09oh god
21:11oh grace
21:13what there's a flight out of heathrow tonight
21:16that's good news isn't it
21:18yeah
21:18great air great
21:20yes
21:21um
21:22all i have to do now is just um
21:25click this link to confirm
21:28oh no would you look at that my phone's off to running out of battery oh no what a shame
21:33um
21:34just guess it wasn't meant to be huh
21:37what a bummer
21:38just got to end up
21:40staying here
21:42yeah
21:43hey do you know what
21:44i'm gonna go for a walk
21:46yeah
21:48felicity
21:49yeah this is just
21:52it's better than cavern
21:54felicity
21:55according to wikipedia i have eight brothers and sisters
21:59jay jagger came in once when i was at quo vadis
22:04i wonder did she know
22:07felicity
22:08felicity
22:08it's mad i think i could be spending next christmas with them in turks and cake-offs
22:13whoa
22:15amanda
22:16ow
22:16i just fell in the ha-ha
22:19you all right
22:21yes
22:21i am all right mal
22:23why are you laughing
22:24you fell in a ha-ha
22:26who falls in a ha-ha
22:28stop it's not funny
22:29you fell in a ha-ha come on
22:31get up
22:33amanda
22:35i'm so sorry
22:36oh my god
22:37oh you know what thank you so much for today
22:39really
22:41it beats lying on a couch with a curry and horse today
22:45is that jane's dog
22:51mummy
22:53mummy
22:55felicity
22:56what ludo wait wait
23:02ludo
23:04what
23:05oh
23:08what'd you say
23:09aha
23:14very away in a manger
23:20ah
23:20i knew it was too good to last
23:22well you're the last one to be found so
23:24that makes you the winner
23:25yes bravo that girl
23:27i tell you what
23:28i could do you a big scoop of the stilton and i'll crack open a bottle of port
23:31stop
23:31you don't have to have port
23:32just stop talking
23:33please
23:34it's too much
23:35it's christmas it's supposed to be too much
23:37no you're too much
23:38all this joie de vivre and endless glee and everything it's just it's just just stop please
23:45okay
23:49i should stop
23:50please don't cry
23:57i'm crying
23:58come on joanie
23:59this is what happens when you stop the old black dog creeps in and oh come on put yourself together
24:06put yourself together joan
24:07why are you being like this
24:08well because of you flick
24:10what nonsense
24:12do you remember what they used to call us on that ghastly old debutante circuit
24:17great hair
24:19and
24:20spare
24:21actually that's all the good
24:23yeah it's all about the beautiful felicity wyndham
24:25and i was just the podgy little sister
24:28so i decided to be the life and soul of the party
24:31hostess with the mostess
24:33the last one standing at the barn dance
24:35and i can tell you something after 60 bloody years it's exhausting
24:42why didn't you ever see anything before
24:45oh
24:46well it took amanda to twist your arm to get you down here
24:50mommy
24:50oh it's her
24:51oh yeah
24:52yes we're here
24:53we're here
24:54hello
24:55there she is
24:59you know i've spent the whole day trying to recreate the perfect family christmas
25:05but it turns out
25:06my whole life has been
25:08a lie
25:09for god's sake amanda stop being so melodramatic
25:12look let's go inside and do your moment with the pavlovas
25:15yes
25:15no mommy
25:16i know your secret
25:17and i know joan knows
25:20and that's why you didn't want to come here
25:21because you were worried she'd
25:23spill the beans
25:25what is she talking about
25:29mommy
25:30i've seen the photos
25:33i have in my hand
25:35the proof
25:36i'm sir mick jagger's love child
25:40what
25:47give those to me
25:48give those to me
25:49that's not mick jagger
25:55that's our cousin rosamund
25:57oh god i mean she was rather jagger-esque don't you think
26:00look with the slim hits and everything
26:01oh my god did you get her round robin this year
26:03they had to put down pinky
26:04okay so if mick jagger isn't holding your pregnant belly
26:07then what is the big deal
26:08why didn't you want anyone to see them
26:10look the thing is i wasn't pregnant in this photograph
26:13i was fat
26:15what
26:17it was the seventies
26:18i'd just discovered
26:19black forest ghetto
26:20and that's our big family secret
26:23that
26:24you were once fat
26:25for a summer
26:26yes
26:27though your father rather liked it
26:30and you were conceived on that holiday
26:32oh god
26:34i just sent jorda mate jagger a dm
26:39can we uh
26:44be a reason
26:46what was she thinking
26:48oh sorry joanie
26:50oh it's all right
26:51it's all right honestly
26:51merry christmas
26:54if it's any consolation
26:56i always felt that ma and pa
26:58loved you more than they loved me
27:00oh huh
27:01i'd swap that any day
27:03for a go on a hemswood brother
27:04is that singing
27:10yes it's anne
27:12she's falling in the ha ha
27:21she'll be fine
27:23come on
27:24and then john mclean
27:27ties this hose pipe around his waist
27:29because he thinks the guy in the helicopter
27:30is going to shoot him
27:31so he's got no way out
27:33ties himself in nice and tight
27:35is he topless
27:36no no no but by this point
27:37it's down to his vest
27:38how is this a christmas film
27:41what
27:42you all right
27:43i'm sorry mick jagger wasn't your father
27:48i just thought that
27:50that i was special
27:53i'm sorry you didn't get to sleep with a rolling stone
28:05oh i did sleep with mick once or twice back in the day
28:07but not in a way that you would get pregnant
28:10right everyone
28:11we're going to do amanda's photo
28:13oh mommy
28:14oh mommy really
28:14should i get the pavlova
28:16i mean i could take the pavlova
28:18no guys you're all in it
28:20come on
28:20everyone ready
28:22yeah
28:22i'll just do the timer
28:24hang on
28:24oh no no
28:26quickly quickly
28:27hang on
28:27hang on
28:28okay everyone
28:28come on everybody
28:29say cheese
28:32cheese
28:33oh
28:36there's a girl
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