- 10 hours ago
Would I Lie to You? - Season 18 Episode 100 -
(special) At Christmas 2025
(special) At Christmas 2025
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00:00MUSIC
00:20Good evening!
00:21Welcome to Would I Lie To You At Christmas,
00:24a very special festive edition that sorts the facts from the fibs.
00:28On David Mitchell's team tonight, musician, broadcaster and national treasure,
00:33it's Jules Holland.
00:38And from Radio One and Radio One Extra, it's breakfast show host Swazi.
00:48And on Lee Mack's team tonight, a star of stage and screen,
00:52someone called the midwife, it's Helen George.
00:58And comedian, actor and best-selling children's author,
01:03it's David Walliams!
01:09We begin with round one, Home Truths,
01:11where our panellists read out a statement from the card in front of them.
01:14Now, to make things harder, they've never seen the card before,
01:17so they've no idea what they'll be faced with.
01:19It's up to the opposing team to sort the fact from the fiction.
01:23Swazi, you're first up tonight.
01:26OK.
01:28I love Christmas so much, I put my tree and all the decorations up in September.
01:33Well, I hope it's not true, because if it is, you are very irritating.
01:40I love Christmas. I absolutely love Christmas.
01:43I love Easter, but I don't buy the eggs in November, do I?
01:46Why do you do it so early?
01:48I don't know, I got married in September,
01:51and so I just thought when we got into the first place we lived in,
01:55I saw the tree on offer, we might as well just get it,
01:58and then at that point, we thought, well, we might as well decorate it.
02:01Was it a plastic tree or a...?
02:03Just plastic.
02:04Can I just remind all of you?
02:05I mean, there's a lot of people who do celebrate Christmas all year round,
02:09so it's not so unusual.
02:11Who are these people? I've never seen them.
02:12Well, there was a bin man on the local news,
02:14and he does his round every morning,
02:16and then he has Christmas lunch every day.
02:18That's right, there you are.
02:19Yeah, that's because bin men get tipped at Christmas,
02:21he's got a vested interest in pretending to be tipped.
02:24I've got a friend who puts all his decorations up in October,
02:27actually, his name is John Lewis.
02:32When does yours go up, Lee?
02:33Erm, should I do the joke or not bother, it's Christmas?
02:39Does anyone hate Christmas?
02:41No. No. Some people do.
02:43Do you hate Christmas?
02:44Yeah, I hate Christmas.
02:45How?
02:46I hate the shows, you know, they just, they do a sort of show,
02:49and they...
02:50And they just, like, put some, like, snow,
02:52and this is a Christmas episode,
02:54and they record it in June?
02:56And we all have to pretend?
02:58I mean, no.
02:59No.
03:00Not us, we're doing it now in December.
03:04So...
03:07When do you get your tree up?
03:08Early December.
03:10And are we talking Norwegian spruce or plastic or what?
03:14We're talking a live...
03:16Not live.
03:17A formerly live tree that's been killed.
03:19I mean, that's not how they market them,
03:21but it's what's happened.
03:23Who decorates it, you or Victoria?
03:25Do you know what? We share the task.
03:27As a family?
03:28Yes.
03:29But you're in charge?
03:30No.
03:31What are we thinking about Swazi's claim?
03:35Helen, what do you reckon?
03:36I think it could be true because I think she looks like a person
03:42that really enjoys Christmas.
03:44All right, OK.
03:45David, do you think Swazi's telling the truth?
03:46No, I do not.
03:48The strange thing about being married,
03:51and we might as well get the Christmas tree now.
03:53Yeah.
03:54I mean, he would instantly leave someone
03:57if they say something like that.
04:00What does he think of it?
04:01He loves it.
04:02He absolutely loves it.
04:03He's the green-fingered one out of us lot that just...
04:06It's plastic.
04:07LAUGHTER
04:08Also, when you get married, you've got to look to the future.
04:11Yeah!
04:12You've got to start planning.
04:13OK, it's September now that Christmas is coming up.
04:16Yeah.
04:17When we got married, we bought our graves.
04:20LAUGHTER
04:22The next day.
04:23Nice plot.
04:24And I tell you what, that we got a good deal on.
04:27LAUGHTER
04:28All right, Leigh, what's your team going to say?
04:31I think not true.
04:33I think a lie.
04:34What do you think?
04:35A lie.
04:36I think it's a lie.
04:37I'll go with my team and say it's a lie.
04:38OK, they all think it's a lie, Swazi.
04:40Was it or were you telling the truth?
04:42I was, of course, telling...
04:44..a lie.
04:45Yes.
04:46APPLAUSE
04:48Yes, it's a lie.
04:51Swazi doesn't put her Christmas decorations up in September.
04:55Next up, it's David.
04:58As a boy, I developed a special technique
05:01for getting through disgusting school dinners.
05:04Yes.
05:05Right.
05:06What was your special technique?
05:08Were you ever forced to eat your school dinners?
05:11I was, yes.
05:12By who?
05:13By the authorities, the school.
05:14Dinner.
05:15We'll ask the questions.
05:16Oh, yes, yes, you're right.
05:17We're quite right.
05:18We'll ask the questions.
05:19We'll ask the questions!
05:20LAUGHTER
05:21So, yes, the technique was very simple.
05:24I had this dinner lady who wasn't very nice,
05:27and she would make us eat all the things we didn't want to eat,
05:31like fruit and vegetables.
05:33And so, my technique was that I would store the food in my cheeks
05:38so I didn't have to swallow it,
05:40and then I would keep it in my mouth for the rest of the school day.
05:44Like a hamster.
05:46What sort of age were you when this was happening?
05:48Was it over five or...?
05:49No, 17, 18...
05:51LAUGHTER
05:53I was at a junior school, primary school,
05:56so I was probably about five or six or something like that.
05:58What were your school dinners like, David?
06:00My primary school, you had to have...
06:03You had to have some of everything, and you had to finish it.
06:06Yeah.
06:07And my technique for dealing with that when things were,
06:10as they occasionally were, absolutely disgusting,
06:13is that I used to be sick all over myself.
06:17LAUGHTER
06:18Merry Christmas, everybody at home.
06:20LAUGHTER
06:21Was it a cry for help?
06:23Yeah, I also would cry, help.
06:25LAUGHTER
06:27We had a boy at my school who...
06:29I was so jealous because he had a letter from his mum
06:32saying that he was allergic to all vegetables
06:35apart from chips.
06:37LAUGHTER
06:39Only my mum would write that letter.
06:41When I was presented with disgusting school food,
06:45the problem for me was putting it in my mouth.
06:48That's always been your problem.
06:50Because of the horrible...
06:51LAUGHTER
06:53Sorry, sorry, sorry.
06:54In a way, when you've put the disgusting food in your mouth,
06:57you've already done the worst bit, haven't you?
06:59The swallowing it.
07:00That's a very good point.
07:01Comparatively, you might as well.
07:03I agree.
07:04You know, and let people put their own connotations on...
07:08LAUGHTER
07:09Tell him off.
07:10Tell him off.
07:11No, because it was you that got the laugh
07:14by doing one of your sideways looks at the audience.
07:17LAUGHTER
07:18I will not criticise my David.
07:20LAUGHTER
07:21How is he your David?
07:23LAUGHTER
07:24Because things have changed.
07:25You knew me first.
07:26I've spent a long time with him.
07:29I've grown very fond of you.
07:32LAUGHTER
07:33It's lovely that these things...
07:34It's important to say these things at Christmas.
07:36While you're still alive.
07:37LAUGHTER
07:38And before we have a few more drinks and get angry.
07:40LAUGHTER
07:42So, what do you think, Swazi?
07:44What do you reckon on this?
07:45I think it's a lie.
07:46Come on, it's got to be a lie.
07:47Why?
07:48Because how can you go after lunch and not talk to the end of the day?
07:50I completely agree with you.
07:51It's a lie, lie, lie and that's what it is.
07:53We're going to say lie.
07:55They think it's a lie, David.
07:56Was it a lie or were you telling the truth?
07:59I was telling...
08:01The truth!
08:02LAUGHTER
08:03APPLAUSE
08:08True.
08:09David did store school dinners in his cheeks.
08:13Helen, you're next.
08:14When I was on Strictly, I sprained my arm
08:17because of all the endless waving they made me do.
08:20LAUGHTER
08:21David, you sprained your arm.
08:23That was your main injury from the contest.
08:25Did you show us how you wave?
08:26Oh, that's quite legal.
08:28It used to be better.
08:29A little restraint.
08:31That won't be good enough for Strictly.
08:32You need more enthusiasm.
08:33Well, it was bigger when I did Strictly before the sprain.
08:36Was waving a big part of your Strictly commitment?
08:39Have you watched Strictly?
08:40There's a lot of waving.
08:42Oh, I suppose there is.
08:43There's as much waving as there is dancing.
08:45So, how long did the recovery take?
08:48A few days.
08:49It was...
08:50It was in a sling.
08:51Was your first instinct to call a doctor or a lawyer?
08:54Or a midwife.
08:55Or a midwife.
08:56Yes.
08:57LAUGHTER
08:58What did the doctor or the lawyer say to you?
09:01The doctor signed me off a show.
09:04Because you twanged your arm waving.
09:06But how do you wave?
09:07I just wave like this.
09:08I wave like that.
09:09Argh!
09:10Oh, God!
09:11Is that a lawyer somewhere here?
09:12LAUGHTER
09:13So, how often on a typical episode of Strictly,
09:16from the moment they announce you, would you be waving?
09:19Yeah.
09:20Talk us through it.
09:21Well, so you come out waving.
09:22You come out waving.
09:23That's how I came out.
09:24Woo-hoo!
09:25LAUGHTER
09:26So, you come out at the top of the stairs, don't you?
09:28Come out waving, yes.
09:29You're waving when you arrive, like that.
09:30Down the stairs.
09:31Which is quite a skill, as hard as the dancing,
09:33when you're walking down the stairs, not falling over and waving.
09:36Right.
09:37You've never had a proper job, have you?
09:38LAUGHTER
09:40And then we sort of chat a bit.
09:41Yes.
09:42And then we do some more waving.
09:43Another wave there.
09:44Right.
09:45So, you do your dance, and then you go up the stairs, waving.
09:48Another wave.
09:49This is the TV show you're talking about.
09:51So, you do the TV show, and then you do the arena tour,
09:55and that's got lots of waving in, because it's a very big arena.
09:59And you're increasing your waves.
10:01Was there an insurance claim at any point?
10:03No, there wasn't, but there could be.
10:05LAUGHTER
10:06So, you didn't think to wave with your other arm.
10:08That's a good idea.
10:09To just, like, balance it.
10:11Jules, what are you thinking?
10:13Well...
10:14Specifically about what Helen has been saying.
10:16LAUGHTER
10:18First of all, I'd have great sympathy.
10:20You know, I need my hands, and I would...
10:22With an injury like that, you would be...
10:23Have you ever had a piano injury?
10:25Well, you've got to watch out for that sort of thing.
10:28I don't, because I don't play the piano.
10:30LAUGHTER
10:31Lang Lang wears boxing gloves, doesn't he?
10:32The concert piano, some of them do.
10:33Right, yeah, yeah.
10:34Boxing gloves?
10:35Yeah, to protect...
10:36To protect his hands.
10:37Oh, not whilst playing?
10:38No.
10:39LAUGHTER
10:40It's not that good.
10:41Oh, right.
10:42I'd rather believe it.
10:44You can see the distress in poor Helen's face.
10:47Yeah, she does, she's...
10:49I mean...
10:50Yes, that's certainly...
10:51That's certainly a look of sadness
10:53that would be perceptible at arena levels.
10:55LAUGHTER
10:58What have you been saying, David?
10:59Let's go true.
11:00Shall we say true?
11:01I'd like to give her a chance.
11:02Let's...
11:03What harm can it do?
11:04Let's say it's...
11:05I don't think that's the idea of the game, David.
11:07Let's say it's Christmas, we should believe everything.
11:10All right, yeah.
11:11They think it's true, Helen.
11:12Was it true or was it a lie?
11:14It was true.
11:16No!
11:17APPLAUSE
11:18Yes, it's true.
11:19Helen did sprain her arm waving on Strictly.
11:23APPLAUSE
11:24Our next round is called This Is My, where we bring on a mystery guest
11:28who has a close connection to one of our panellists.
11:30Now, this week, each of David's team will claim it's them
11:33that has the genuine connection to the guest.
11:35It's up to Lee's team to spot who's telling the truth.
11:38So please welcome this week's special guest, Paul.
11:42APPLAUSE
11:44So, Swazi, what is Paul to you?
11:51This is Paul and he won a competition for me and Stormzy
11:55to come round and turn on his Christmas lights.
11:58LAUGHTER
11:59Right.
12:00Jules, how do you know Paul?
12:02Well, this is Paul and he lets me wind up Big Ben.
12:06Right.
12:08Finally, David, what is your relationship with Paul?
12:12This is Paul and he had to get his dust buster out
12:16after I spilt peanuts in Inspector Morse's car.
12:21LAUGHTER
12:22There we have it.
12:23Swazi's prize-winning pal, Jules's clock companion
12:27or David's car cleaner.
12:29Lee's team, where will you begin?
12:31Swazi, what was this competition on?
12:33Was it on Radio One Extra?
12:35It was on Radio One Extra.
12:37He doesn't scream Radio One Extra listening.
12:41This is the thing.
12:42You'd be so surprised who listens to radio.
12:44What was the competition?
12:45The competition was to guess Stormzy's first name
12:48and Paul guessed it and he was right.
12:50And what is Stormzy's first name?
12:51Michael.
12:52Paul knew Stormzy's first name?
12:54Yeah.
12:55Right, OK.
12:56I was equally surprised.
12:57Obviously, you can't see your listeners.
12:58So, when we turned up and we saw Paul, we was like,
13:00Oh!
13:01Hi, hi, Paul!
13:03LAUGHTER
13:05Paul, what are you doing?
13:06Me and Stormzy were there, so we had to turn on his...
13:08Just to be clear, when you say turn on his Christmas lights,
13:10you don't mean in his area, you mean in his house?
13:12Where was his house?
13:13Where was his house?
13:14In Croydon.
13:15Which was even funnier because Stormzy's from South London.
13:17Oh.
13:18I bet you laughed and laughed and laughed.
13:22So, did you and Stormzy turn up together with an entourage or just the two of you?
13:25Just me, Stormzy, the social team and my producer.
13:28When you say the social team, you don't mean social services, do you?
13:32No!
13:33Definitely not, no.
13:35The social media team.
13:36Oh, of course, Instagram, yes.
13:38Instagram, TikTok.
13:39So...
13:40Sorry, it's bring your granddad to work.
13:43LAUGHTER
13:45What were Paul's Christmas lights like?
13:47Awful.
13:48Paul, your lungs were so bad.
13:50He had the smallest little Christmas tree.
13:52You know when you put on a table?
13:54It's not like in the corner of a room.
13:55So, yeah, tall old Stormzy.
13:57And you just had to flip one little switch and bing, they came on.
13:59Yeah, and then he came on.
14:00And then how did you pad out the rest of the visit?
14:03Well, Stormzy's obviously very tall and I'm very small,
14:06so I think Paul standing in the middle made everyone laugh,
14:09so we just took a photo.
14:10Oh, God.
14:11You standing in height order can only pad out about another minute.
14:14LAUGHTER
14:15I've met Stormzy.
14:16Have you?
14:17He's very, very nice, yes.
14:18He is nice.
14:19What circumstances?
14:20Not many.
14:21I was with Jack Whitehall and we were at a showbiz party
14:24and Stormzy was there and he was quite excited to meet us
14:27and we couldn't quite believe it.
14:28No, neither can I.
14:29LAUGHTER
14:31It's true.
14:32I'll tell you something I've just spotted about Paul.
14:34We say he's not looking like a radio on Extra listener,
14:38but he does have an earring.
14:40An earring.
14:41What are you saying?
14:42I'm saying he's a little bit...
14:44Ooh.
14:45LAUGHTER
14:46Are you saying he's a ghost?
14:48LAUGHTER
14:49No, no, no.
14:50He's a bit...
14:51He's like me.
14:52He's an older gentleman but he's down.
14:55He's had a fall?
14:56Yes.
14:57LAUGHTER
14:59What is your time slot on Radio One Extra?
15:01I'm on Saturday mornings from 7 to 10 a.m.
15:04So he's getting up early to listen to you as well.
15:07Loads of people are up early, you know.
15:09Well, the nurse, they wake up people quite early, don't they?
15:12LAUGHTER
15:14OK, well, I would like to say, Swazi, so far, you're winning.
15:18LAUGHTER
15:20All right, who would you like to quiz next?
15:22Um, Jules.
15:23And now you're not, Swazi.
15:25LAUGHTER
15:26Jules, remind us again.
15:28Um, yeah, so, Paul lets me go and wind up Big Ben.
15:32Right, who's Ben and why do you keep winding him up?
15:35LAUGHTER
15:36Big Ben is, of course, the great tower with the...
15:39You know, when it sees the 10 o'clock news, bing-bong.
15:41Also, not only that, he let me go up there, wind it up,
15:44and open the little sort of number where it says,
15:47like, at the bottom of the clock, number six,
15:49and put my head out of the window.
15:50Oh, like a cuckoo?
15:51Wave at London.
15:52LAUGHTER
15:53What, on the hour, every hour?
15:54Not at six o'clock, cos the hand would have been in the way.
15:57LAUGHTER
15:58I didn't know that's a very good bit of detail.
16:00LAUGHTER
16:01So did you win this sort of opportunity?
16:04No, I was introduced by Stephen Fry,
16:07who said you're going to really like Paul because he'll take you up Big Ben
16:10and let you wind it up.
16:12So, just talk us through how you wind up Big Ben again.
16:15Well, a lot of people imagine it's a little key like that,
16:18that they'd be wrong.
16:19No, they don't.
16:20OK.
16:21I don't think anyone would imagine that.
16:22I don't think anyone's thought about it in any way.
16:24And Helen's probably worried, another hand injury.
16:26Well, I wouldn't be able to do it.
16:27LAUGHTER
16:28Well, you have to walk up there as well.
16:30This was when he was up there.
16:31Have they ever got an elevator fitted?
16:32Steps.
16:33I think they have now.
16:34Oh, so this was a while ago when you did it?
16:35Yeah, yeah.
16:36Before the renovation?
16:37Yes.
16:38It's a digital clock now.
16:39Yeah.
16:40LAUGHTER
16:41Anyway, you go up and you have a big handle like this.
16:43Yeah.
16:44And then you push it forward and it goes round like this.
16:48And then this gigantic pendulum is ticking away,
16:51like a giant long-case grandfather clock.
16:54How big is that?
16:55I don't want to bore you with the details.
16:57Oh, please do.
16:58We already have.
16:59LAUGHTER
17:00But it's pretty big.
17:01Do you have to then swing the pendulum?
17:03Paul, I think, did all that.
17:04When London sleeps, he's in there sorting all that out.
17:07We just wake up and see it, but it's a bloke like him.
17:10We don't wake up and see it because we don't live anywhere near it.
17:12No, but you can see it on the news and things, don't you?
17:14Well, what are you doing waking up at ten o'clock at night?
17:16LAUGHTER
17:17You need to start getting a proper job, mate.
17:19LAUGHTER
17:20Do you know a bit about clocks?
17:21It sounds like you know a bit about clocks.
17:22I've learnt everything I know from Paul.
17:24Right.
17:25So, here's a question.
17:26What's it called, that clock?
17:28Er...
17:29Very big.
17:30LAUGHTER
17:31It's not called very big, is it?
17:32What's it actually called?
17:33That's right, yes, yes.
17:34LAUGHTER
17:37What does Big Ben refer to?
17:39The bell.
17:40The bell?
17:41The bell.
17:42It's the bell, yes.
17:43The clock is called something else.
17:44Yes, that's right.
17:45I thought you would know that as someone who winds it up.
17:48What is the clock called?
17:49Does it definitely have a name, the clock?
17:51Well, I think it's just called the Parliament clock or something.
17:54I don't know.
17:55It's called something...
17:56You don't know, after all that.
17:57Oh, I don't know.
17:58LAUGHTER
17:59I'd like to point out that I'm not the one claiming to know about clocks.
18:01No.
18:02I'm not claiming to know about clocks, but I do know a man who does know about clocks,
18:05and that's...
18:06Paul.
18:07LAUGHTER
18:08APPLAUSE
18:09All right, now then, what about David?
18:13David, remind us of your relationship.
18:15This is Paul, and he had to get his dust buster out after I spilt peanuts
18:20inside Inspector Morse's car.
18:23Right.
18:24Why were you in his car?
18:25I was on a little tour of Oxford in it.
18:28What's the car?
18:29An old red Jaguar.
18:31I think it's called a Mark II Jaguar.
18:33I think that's what Morse did drive.
18:35We actually...
18:36We got a picture of Inspector Morse's car.
18:38We can have a look.
18:39There we are, look at that.
18:40You could fit in that car?
18:41Yes.
18:42Wow.
18:43And Paul, and my father.
18:45So, hang on.
18:46Is Paul the organiser of the tour?
18:48He is, and he's the owner of Inspector Morse's car.
18:51Oh.
18:52So, he was driving the car?
18:53He was.
18:54How did Paul come to own this car?
18:56Er, I don't actually know.
18:57So, he's a private owner?
18:58Once again, no small talk from David on the journey.
19:00Yeah.
19:01Do you want to know how I got this car?
19:03Nah.
19:04LAUGHTER
19:05How could you not get the peanuts into your mouth?
19:09Yeah.
19:10Well, the truth is, the peanuts were in my...
19:12The truth is, it didn't happen.
19:14The truth is, no.
19:15The truth is that the peanuts were in my jacket pocket,
19:19in a packet I had opened but not finished, folding over.
19:23There's no way you wouldn't finish a packet of peanuts in one guy.
19:26Well, in which case, you'll have to say lie.
19:29Who?
19:30That is what I'm asking you to believe.
19:32When was this?
19:33This was last January.
19:36Last January?
19:37It was a Christmas present, this tour.
19:39From?
19:40From my wife to me and my dad.
19:42Didn't Victoria want to join you?
19:44No, she didn't.
19:45Anyway, it was a present for her, wasn't it?
19:48It was a tour of Inspector Morse's Oxford.
19:52Because you love Inspector Morse.
19:54I love Inspector Morse.
19:55You love Inspector Morse.
19:56I grew up in Oxford.
19:57My dad lives in Oxford.
19:59He's really interested in Oxford history.
20:01He's a tour guide.
20:02This is an amazing present.
20:04Where did the tour take you, David?
20:06Talk us through some of the high spots.
20:08All around Oxford.
20:09Be more specific, David.
20:11Started and finished in the car park of the ice rink.
20:14Oh, right.
20:15How very Inspector Morse.
20:18Well, it was probably more for convenience than mood.
20:21Although it is quite near the police station.
20:23Right.
20:24Which, obviously, you see a lot of Inspector Morse
20:26coming in and out of the police station.
20:27And it's a real police station,
20:28so I don't know how that was arranged.
20:30But, obviously, actual law enforcement in Oxford
20:32must have suffered at the same time.
20:34I certainly remember, during my childhood,
20:35the joyriding was going crazy.
20:37So, I think we can blame Zenith Productions
20:40for some of that.
20:41Zenith, you know the name of the production company.
20:44Zenith made Inspector Morse.
20:47Zenith made Inspector Morse.
20:48It went initially through Central,
20:49but then, obviously, it all merged under Granada
20:51and now rebranded as ITV.
20:53I hope it's OK to mention that on the BBC.
20:55Other broadcasters are available.
20:57APPLAUSE
20:59I can't wait if they have to clap because they're impressed,
21:02or if they clap, you'll stop.
21:04LAUGHTER
21:05Well, I've tried that with you many times,
21:07and it doesn't work.
21:08Anyway, pick up at the ice rink.
21:10Yeah?
21:11You go along St Alldates and High Street.
21:12No, it sounds like you're going to do it all.
21:14Just tell us the highlights.
21:15So, we went along St Alldates,
21:16past the police station, past Christchurch.
21:18No, this is the whole journey, David, isn't it?
21:20Well, you can't...
21:21You've got to wait for me to...
21:22Don't say, we're now going to show you the highlights of football,
21:24but you're going to have to wait
21:25because we're going to be showing the whole match.
21:26That's a highlight!
21:29That's another highlight!
21:30They just show the highlights.
21:31That's what they do.
21:32Can I just say...
21:33What are the highlights of this tour?
21:35Because, currently, I've heard nothing but lowlights.
21:39This is a tour.
21:40This isn't getting to the tour.
21:42Tell us the highlights of the tour!
21:44The highlights of the tour
21:47involved driving down the high street...
21:49Oh, he's doing it again!
21:50He's doing it again!
21:51He's doing it again!
21:52He's doing it as the lowlights again!
21:53How can you...
21:54The high street of Oxford...
21:55That's not a highlight!
21:56That's not a highlight!
21:57...in Inspector Horse's car...
21:58I can wait down the...
21:59The highlight was a bit when we crossed Times Square!
22:01The highlight was a bit where he took off and flew to the home!
22:05No, the highlights were when we were driving round Oxford
22:09in Inspector Horse's car,
22:11cos that's what it was!
22:13And the high street of Oxford was a highlight!
22:16Penuts!
22:17APPLAUSE
22:24Ness Highlight, Riverside Pub!
22:26Right, Victoria Arms, it's called!
22:28It's by the Chardwell in Oxford!
22:29What's that?
22:30What's that?
22:31Inspector Morse went there many times!
22:33Ah...
22:34That is where I bought some, way for it, peanuts!
22:37You said, you said you had the peanuts before!
22:41No, no! You're a liar!
22:44A dirty liar and it's Christmas!
22:47I did have the peanuts in my jacket and how do you think they got there?
22:51I bought them at the Victoria Arms,
22:54but I folded up the packet and put it in my jacket pocket,
22:57folded up the jacket and put it on my knee.
23:00We continued the tour. I won't bore you with more highlights now.
23:04When we got to the end of the tour,
23:06I adjusted my jacket in a careless way
23:09and the peanuts tipped onto the floor of the car.
23:12Inspector Morse's Jaguar.
23:14Can you imagine my mortification?
23:16So I apologise effusively
23:19and Paul says, not to worry,
23:21and he gets a dustbuster from the boot of the car.
23:24Where do you get the dustbuster from?
23:25From the boot of the car.
23:30And he clears them up in front of me, no harm done.
23:34LAUGHTER
23:35Right, we need an answer.
23:37So, Lee's team is Paul, Swazi's prize-winning pal,
23:41Jules's clock companion or David's car cleaner.
23:44Jules strikes me as a man that would be interested in winding up...
23:48Yes, yes.
23:49Who wouldn't though? I'd like to do that.
23:50I think he would because he's got those sort of interests,
23:53sort of old man's interests.
23:55LAUGHTER
23:56Why would you, if you're running a tour
23:59with all of the, you know, best parts of Oxford
24:02that Inspector Morse filmed in,
24:03why not ask to meet at the beautiful pub
24:06where you could have a drink first of all and welcome your guests?
24:09Why would you meet at the ice rink?
24:10There would definitely be more picturesque places to meet,
24:13but not where there's easy parking.
24:15The picturesque and the easy parking,
24:17they often pull in different directions.
24:19Right.
24:20I'll give as an example, Venice.
24:22LAUGHTER
24:23OK, it's time to guess.
24:28I don't believe that Stormzy went round
24:30to turn on this man's Christmas lights on a Christmas tree that big.
24:34That's the thing, isn't it?
24:35So... I'm getting Jules.
24:37Alan?
24:38I would go with Morse because it just sounds like the most plausible...
24:41You were going to say boring.
24:43..boring Christmas present.
24:44LAUGHTER
24:46OK.
24:47We are going to go with...
24:49Jules.
24:50Jules.
24:51OK.
24:52Paul, would you please reveal your true identity?
24:55I'm Paul and I let Jules Holland wind up Big Bang.
24:58CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
25:02Yes, Paul is Jules's top companion.
25:05Thank you very much, Paul.
25:06APPLAUSE
25:11Which brings us to our final round,
25:13Quickfire Lies, and we start with...
25:15It's...
25:17BUZZ
25:18Jules.
25:19Ah.
25:20Every year before Christmas dinner,
25:22I change into my special, much looser, eating trousers.
25:26LAUGHTER
25:28Lee's team.
25:29Well, I mean, I do, so...
25:32LAUGHTER
25:33Are they elasticated?
25:34Um, no, they have little belts at the side...
25:39LAUGHTER
25:40..and braces attached to buttons,
25:42and the little belts at the side undo...
25:44So you can loosen them.
25:45So you can loosen them.
25:46So you can loosen them, yeah.
25:47They're braces and the side straps.
25:48Yeah.
25:49So they're quite smart trousers?
25:50Oh, yes, I wouldn't want to be seen in short trousers
25:53when I'm having my Christmas dinner.
25:54And you wouldn't want to be seen with shorts and braces?
25:56Never.
25:57That's a look that only David Mitchell can carry on.
25:59Yes.
26:00LAUGHTER
26:01What do you have on the top half?
26:03Dinner jacket.
26:04Have you got a dickie bow on?
26:05Yes.
26:06Are you...?
26:07All right.
26:08LAUGHTER
26:10What do you wear at Christmas lunch then, Lee?
26:12Same as the rest of the family, Speedos.
26:14LAUGHTER
26:15So, dinner jacket, dickie bow and all that,
26:18that suggests you would have those sort of fancy trousers
26:21with the little belts at the side already.
26:23Yeah.
26:24So why are you changing into them?
26:25Well, because I would have had my jeans on
26:27when I was doing the rough work of helping the children
26:30to unwrap their little boxes of cigars and things like that.
26:32Right.
26:33LAUGHTER
26:34So I've still got my casuals on at that point.
26:36And I've taken a break from helping the kiddies,
26:39and then I've just come in and having my lunch.
26:40How old are your kids?
26:41Erm, 40, 50.
26:43LAUGHTER
26:45This is a subject close to your heart, Lee,
26:48because I remember you telling me that of late
26:51you've started to drive...
26:53Yes.
26:54..with your trousers open.
26:55I have undone the top button,
26:57and I've found that's not enough.
26:58So a bit of zip comes down, the belt might come undone,
27:01and many a time I've got to the petrol station
27:03and my trousers have fallen down.
27:05LAUGHTER
27:06And that's my story,
27:07and I don't care what you read in the Sunday papers,
27:09that's what happened.
27:10LAUGHTER
27:11All right, come on.
27:13Is Jules Holland telling the truth?
27:15I believe he's telling the truth.
27:16OK, I've got a question.
27:17Are you insane?
27:18LAUGHTER
27:19You think that that's the truth?
27:21I think it's true.
27:22I think probably a lot of people wear clothes
27:24that are sort of loose or elasticated.
27:26Exactly.
27:27Well, I have pregnancy trousers like that,
27:29so I do understand.
27:30LAUGHTER
27:31What's your team going to say, Lee?
27:33I'm saying it's a lie.
27:34OK, so, Jules, they think it's a lie.
27:38Is it a lie or is it the truth?
27:40I think this might be a conundrum for the show,
27:42because it was given to me as a lie,
27:44but it's actually true.
27:45LAUGHTER
27:46So, I don't know what to do.
27:47That's never happened before.
27:48That's never, ever happened before.
27:49So, Jules, what is the answer?
27:50Was it true or was it a lie?
27:51A little bit of a lie.
27:52LAUGHTER
27:53Well, there we are.
27:54It was a lie until it turned out to be true,
27:55because Jules actually does have special eating trousers.
27:58Well, that noise signals time is up.
27:59It's the end of the show,
28:00and I can reveal that Lee's team has won by three points to two.
28:02Congratulations.
28:03Congratulations.
28:04Thanks for watching.
28:05We'll see you next time.
28:06Good night.
28:07Good night.
28:08Good night.
28:09APPLAUSE
28:10Good night.
28:11Good night.
28:12Good night.
28:13Good night.
28:14Good night.
28:15Good night.
28:16Good night.
28:17Good night.
28:19Good night.
28:20Congratulations.
28:33APPLAUSE
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