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Tv, Allo Allo S6E07 - Crabtree's Podgeon Pist
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00:00You may think it's strange that I, René Artois, should be breaking into my own cafe at the
00:27dead of night, dressed as a priest. There is, of course, a very good reason for this. In this
00:33disguise, I intended to receive, through the window of the confessional box, a bar of gold from
00:37Colonel von Strom. In return, I was supposed to give him this bundle of forged banknotes.
00:44Unfortunately, the real priest returned unexpectedly, and so all I was able to do was to hear my wife,
00:49Edith, confess that she suspected me of having affairs with my waitresses. Needless to say,
00:55I admonished her severely for having such baseless thoughts, and sent her back with a flea in her ear
01:01and two hundred ale marys.
01:05Oh, René, it is you. Hold me to you. Stop me trembling with fear.
01:15Oh, René, I came down because I thought there was something stirring in the darkness.
01:20There is. There is. It is me.
01:24Oh, thank heavens you are safe. Crush my frightened body in your arms.
01:30Hug the fear out of me.
01:32Not while I have this hat on.
01:36Oh, René.
01:39Oh, Yvette.
01:42René!
01:43What are you doing in your underwear with a servant girl in her nightgown?
01:48You stupid woman.
01:51I was just about to join you upstairs when I heard a prowler and came to investigate.
01:56Do you not realise it is a mortal sin to harbour such jealous thoughts?
02:00Oh, you are right.
02:02I am so far from being perfect for you.
02:05I must drive out this wickedness that is within me.
02:08Yes.
02:10Out! Out, wicked child!
02:13Hey, stop it.
02:15These are hundred francs a dozen.
02:18I think I am made of money.
02:19Now, take your candle and go off to bed.
02:21Yvette and I will lock up.
02:23Come on.
02:26Oh, René.
02:28You are such a fine man.
02:29I do not deserve you.
02:31Goodness shines out of your noble face.
02:34Will you be long?
02:35Well, I will just read a chapter or two from the good book and then I will be with you.
02:46Oh, that was a narrow squeak.
02:48Oh, let us take the gold now and escape before our luck runs out.
02:51It has already run out.
02:52I had to leave the church before the colonel arrived with the gold.
02:55I still have this forged money.
02:56Oh, no.
02:57What are we going to do?
02:58Well, how long does it take to read two chapters?
03:01Oh, René.
03:02Oh, René.
03:03Oh!
03:04I think it is the colonel.
03:09Oh, no.
03:09Over to the north.
03:10We know you're in there.
03:15Up against the bar.
03:17Hands up.
03:23We have been a-didled.
03:25The colonel handed over the gold and begot nothing.
03:28Except of the Hail of the Marys.
03:30It explains everything.
03:32I have just had a visit from a man of the church who I do not know.
03:36No, he gave me this money saying,
03:39Give these notes unto the man.
03:41Yea, even unto he who gave the gold unto the church.
03:46Verily.
03:48He must have meant you, Ken.
03:49René, I knew you would not let us down.
03:53Well, I was as mystified as you, being just the man in between.
03:56That's true.
03:56What?
03:57Who's that?
03:57He must not be seen.
03:59Can we use the back passage?
04:00Yes, of course, please.
04:01Turn right outside the back door.
04:05See you later, René.
04:06It is the priest's.
04:12Oh, Ick.
04:13What?
04:14My son, I have good news.
04:16This knight, this gold was handed unto me.
04:19I wish it to go to the resistance, who I do not know.
04:23Well, I do not know them either.
04:24But I know that you know someone who does know them.
04:28Take it, and go in peace, my son.
04:33And try to keep your hands off these servants.
04:36You have not confessed anything, have you?
04:43Well, just a little bit, you know, to stop him falling asleep.
04:49Oh, René, now that we have the gold, let us escape together now.
04:55Yvette, a sacred trust has been handed unto me.
04:59Besides, the last bus went four hours ago.
05:02Yay!
05:03Come in, dear.
05:06All things bright and beautiful, all creatures are so small.
05:16Helga is here, Herr Flick.
05:19Bring her in.
05:20Bring her in!
05:21Here!
05:21You sent for me, Herr Flick?
05:30You were at the castle when the British airmen left with the officers from Berlin.
05:35Yes, Herr Flick?
05:36They were, in fact, abducted by the resistance.
05:39At the time, you were smooching with Captain Bertorelli, who was in charge of the guard.
05:44Nobody noticed except you.
05:45Precisely.
05:47I could keep quiet, providing you promised not to smooch with him again.
05:51I did it only to make you jealous.
05:54You succeeded.
05:55You succeeded.
05:56He came back here, and he jumped up and down on his Gestapo head.
06:00Silence, Hans Smallhausen.
06:02Go to your cupboard.
06:03Helga, we live in dangerous times.
06:10We know not what fate has in store.
06:13One day, the Gestapo may become unpopular.
06:17Surely not.
06:18To safeguard against this, I have decided to sell the portrait of the fallen Madonna with
06:24the big boobies by Van Klomp for hard cash, in case we have to make a run for it.
06:29One Smallhausen is making an effort to find a fence.
06:33You, being a lance corporal and mixing with lowly and inferior people, may be able to be
06:38of assistance.
06:40I will do my insignificant best to help you, Herr Flick.
06:42Good.
06:43You may kiss me.
06:44Like we did in the old days.
06:46If you insist.
06:48Take off your clothes.
06:56That is sufficient.
06:58I have an appointment at the hairdresser's.
07:01But you can't wait.
07:11Wendy, Michelle wants you in the back room.
07:13Oh, like, will she never leave us in peace if I could be the back room?
07:17Come on.
07:17Now, look, Michelle, every scheme you have ever come up with has been screwed up.
07:24I refuse to IDM, and any longer I am going to hand them over to the Germans.
07:27There will be no need.
07:28There will be no need.
07:29We have a bold plan to get them back to England, which cannot fail.
07:33I have heard that before.
07:35This must be a plan.
07:35This must be a most unusual plan.
07:37Look.
07:38Do not get sarcastic with me.
07:41You come and run the resistance and I will stay in the cafe and sing off the note.
07:45How dare you!
07:46How dare you!
07:48No, no, no, no, ladies, ladies, please.
07:50Ladies, please.
07:51The strain of the war has shredded our nerves.
07:53Let us hear the plan.
07:55We have captured a brand new barrage balloon.
07:58When there is a favourable wind, it will be inflated at night behind your cafe.
08:04It will carry the airmen to England.
08:07A Spitfire will then shoot in it a few small holes, and it will descend gently to earth.
08:14It is a daring plan.
08:16Just a minute.
08:18Do you think for one second the Germans will not notice a dang great barrage balloon in my back garden?
08:23That is the clever bit.
08:25It will be delivered with a marquee, which will be erected in your garden.
08:29For what purpose?
08:30For the wedding of Madame Fanny to Monsieur Leclerc.
08:32But their wedding is not for six weeks.
08:35What excuse do we have for making it so soon?
08:38You will tell the villagers that it is to be a shotgun wedding.
08:44Well, they will certainly be the oldest couple in Nuvion to have one of those.
08:49But will not the balloon explode if it is shot down?
08:52We have thought of this.
08:53It is to be filled with helium.
08:55This is a rare gas.
08:57How are you going to get it?
08:59There is still some in an old airship factory.
09:02It is hidden in small canisters, which will be delivered to you disguised as prize-winning
09:08vegetable marrows.
09:10Are they not out of season at this time of year?
09:14They are from Algeria.
09:16They will be delivered to you by a man disguised as an Algerian prize-winning vegetable marrows salesman.
09:26An everyday sighting in Nuvion, of course.
09:30Oh, the resistance have fixed it for Friday.
09:32My mother will not like it.
09:36I do not like it.
09:38But you will be doing it for France, Mama.
09:42And you can have a lovely reception in the Marquis.
09:44I am not well enough.
09:48Is it your bad leg, Mama?
09:50No, no, no, no.
09:51My bad leg is good at the moment.
09:54Everything else is better.
09:57The doctor has ordered that I spend four weeks in bed before attempting that journey up the aisle.
10:08We cannot change the plans, Mama.
10:11Somehow the good Lord will get you to the church.
10:14Well, I suppose if he wants me there, he will fix it.
10:20As he arranged a car.
10:22There is no petrol, Mama.
10:27Oh, but I am sure that Monsieur Alponce will take you in his urs.
10:31Urs?
10:35Over my dead bodies.
10:44General von Klinkerhofen's outside.
10:46He's in a steaming rage.
10:48Keep calm, everybody.
10:50Keep calm.
10:50Remember, we know nothing.
10:54General von Klinkerhofen!
10:57In a steaming rage!
11:00I am nothing.
11:03What has been going on in my absence?
11:05I turn my back for 24 hours,
11:08and you allow the resistance to capture high-ranking officers from Berlin.
11:12And wearing their uniforms,
11:14these terrorists then infiltrate my shadow and spirit the airmen away.
11:19Who was the duty officer?
11:20Captain Bertorelli.
11:21And you, you are the snitch.
11:24When my field marshal has spoken to his field marshal, he will be lieutenant Bertorelli.
11:30And why was this chicken-feathered wop not attending to his duties correctly?
11:35He was canoodling with Lance Corporal Helga Gerhardt.
11:39You will place charges of high explosives in key positions in key positions in the town.
11:52If the airmen are not returned in 48 hours, I personally will depress the plunger, and Nuvian will be no more.
12:01Let posters be placed to this effect.
12:04Let it be done.
12:05Do we place explosives in the chateau?
12:07Don't be ridiculous.
12:08Don't be ridiculous.
12:08Don't be ridiculous.
12:09I live there.
12:15Gwenny, she has taken the gin and the soup, but she is not well.
12:21The doctor has diagnosed the currywubbles.
12:24He's advised her against going into a drafty church.
12:26I wish he had said the same thing to me.
12:31Good moaning.
12:33Good moaning.
12:37Have you hod the nose?
12:41What nose?
12:43The Germans have put up these pistas.
12:48They are placing moans all over the town.
12:52Moans?
12:54He means mines.
12:54If the airmen are not returned, then the whole of Nuvian will go off with a bong.
13:01They would not do that.
13:03Oh, well, that settles it.
13:04We hand the airmen back to the Germans.
13:06You would not do this.
13:07Are you a min or a moose?
13:11She means a man or a mouse.
13:14All the same.
13:15The sooner they get to England, the better.
13:17The fear cast for the wither is good for the next three do's.
13:21Does this mean that they can go?
13:23The wand is in our fever.
13:25We will send a massage.
13:27You cannot use the radio.
13:29It is being intercepted.
13:30I need that.
13:32The massage will go by podgen.
13:39Podgen?
13:39A homing podgen.
13:44With feathers.
13:45It will be released from the wando of your mother-in-law.
13:49Well, we do not have a podgen.
13:52My assistant, Urgent Grace, will brong it.
13:56Urgent Grace?
13:57That is his bit of crimp it.
13:59Here she is, new.
14:04Good morning.
14:06I will spook to her.
14:08Well, sit down there and keep out of sight.
14:12Sorry, I am lute.
14:13I had to powder my knees.
14:16Where is the podgen?
14:18Under my hut.
14:19Well, he seems to be raring to go.
14:31Wendy, the colonel is outside.
14:33Oh, my God.
14:34Keep that thing still, for heaven's sake.
14:38Sounds as if it is laying an og.
14:42Oh, colonel, come in.
14:43Sit down.
14:44Drinks for the colonel, the captain, the lieutenant, and the lance corporal.
14:48The private.
14:51René.
14:52Colonel.
14:53We have bad news for you.
14:54Oh, I have heard about the explosives.
14:55That is terrible news.
14:57What is worse, René?
14:59One hundred pounds of it is going to be in a sewer under your cafe.
15:02Oh, no.
15:03If you got a vire, men, you better give them up.
15:06We are proud Frenchmen.
15:08We do not give in to threats.
15:09Oh, but he did a hundred pounds of explosives under the cafe.
15:13He has no idea where they are.
15:15René, I implore you.
15:17If you hear anything, let me know.
15:19The last thing we want to do is blow you up.
15:22It will make us very unpopular.
15:24Think about it, Henry.
15:26I am thinking about it, Lieutenant.
15:29Marrows.
15:30Marrows.
15:32Prize Algerian marrows.
15:36Oh, my God.
15:38Who will buy marrows from a prize Algerian marrows seller?
15:42Come over to the bar, Algerian marrows salesman.
15:45Come and show me your...
15:46Come along.
15:49Come over here.
15:50Marrows!
15:51Algerian marrows!
15:52Shut up.
15:53Shut up!
15:54It is me, Ernest.
15:56In disguise.
15:58Yes, wearing impenetrable boot polishes.
16:00These are cylinders of helium.
16:02Good.
16:03Give them to me.
16:03There.
16:04There.
16:04There.
16:04There.
16:05There.
16:06There.
16:07And a high pressure.
16:08Yes, so am I.
16:11This one is leaky.
16:15I beg your pardon?
16:19Do not inhale the gas.
16:21No, I will do my best.
16:22Now, you give it to me before we get us all shocked.
16:24The gas affects the voice.
16:26See?
16:28It tightens the vocal cords.
16:30Yes, well, thank you, Algerian marrows seller.
16:37Be on your way.
16:39Algerian marrows!
16:40You're welcome, Algerian marrows!
16:43Thank you, old Algerian eunuch.
16:50Call again when you have more prize marrows.
16:53René!
16:54More wine.
16:55Ah, yes, Karen.
16:56I will get it.
16:57René.
17:03René, rest assured that if we are going to blow up your café, I will give you all the
17:09warnings that I can.
17:10Oh, thank you, Lieutenant Gruber.
17:12You look very pale, René.
17:14Oh, well, this strain has played avoc with my nerves.
17:18Excuse me.
17:31Understandable, I suppose.
17:33Shall I take the wine?
17:35No, that is all right.
17:37I will...
17:37Say, well, personally.
17:44Here is the poster, Herr Fleek.
17:46It could, of course, be an idle threat.
17:49Do you realize what will happen if they carry it out?
17:52There will be no Nuvion.
17:53We shall have to move to another town.
17:55I have made many enemies here.
17:57It would take months to make as many enemies in a strange town.
18:01We must not allow this blowing up to happen.
18:04The general is going to personally press the plunger from a safe distance.
18:09Find out the position of the explosives and see if we can defuse them.
18:13That will be very dangerous work, Herr Fleek.
18:17I have every confidence that you will succeed, von Smallhausen.
18:22Here is the Gestapo defusing explosives handbook.
18:26It is by the late Professor von Flattenhead.
18:30Who, as you will know, is buried in Munich and Hamburg and Brennan.
18:35Bone up on it.
18:36Yes, Herr Fleek.
18:46Oh, Bunny, Madame Edith has excelled herself.
18:50The food is magnificent.
18:51Yes, well, I will not be happy until those airmen are back safely in the hands of the Germans.
18:55They are going back to England, and that is famine.
18:58The balloon is outside.
19:01Then, for heaven's sake, bring it in here.
19:04Move that table back.
19:08Monsieur Leclerc, get on that corner.
19:10Help him.
19:10Oh, it's lovely.
19:11Up.
19:14Oh, dear.
19:16Oh, my husband.
19:18You have cracked it.
19:19I cannot put it down.
19:21Pimmy, let's sit him down, somebody.
19:23Go on, over there.
19:26Brong it in, whore.
19:28Where shall we pit it?
19:30Behind the table.
19:31I have the weather-fear cast.
19:37It is good.
19:39Then we will write a massage and send it by podgeon.
19:42I will write it and tie it to his lock.
19:50Keep it under the hut until you are roddy.
19:54Expect the airmen to arrive over Dover at...
19:58But he is very keen to get to England.
20:08He might even wait for the message.
20:15René.
20:17My mother has taken a turn for the worse.
20:19She cannot get out of bed.
20:21She must.
20:22She is our only excuse for gathering here to release the balloon.
20:26If there is to be no wedding, then I will have to cancel the whole operation.
20:30Good idea.
20:31I cannot walk down the aisle.
20:33My foot is swollen like a potato.
20:35You will have to hubble on one log.
20:39Understand this.
20:40If they cannot marry, then you and Edith will have to get married.
20:44Whatever happens, a wedding must take place.
20:46Dear Edith, much as I love you, the first plans are always the best.
20:52They will be there.
20:53Where are the airmen?
20:55They are disguised so that they will merge into the background.
21:02In here, chaps.
21:06How about a kiss for the bridesmaids?
21:10Don't be cheeky.
21:26Goodness, you are here.
21:28We had to walk across the fields.
21:30Huh?
21:30Oh, look at those two idiots.
21:41Here.
21:42Put your veils down and lift up your bosoms.
21:46Hands off!
21:46Right, right.
21:48Give the froggies an inch and they take a yard.
21:54Where is Leclerc?
21:56He's down there.
21:58How is his foot?
21:59Oh, Michel has given him painkillers and brandy.
22:02He's bearing up.
22:04He looks as if he is passing out.
22:09Come awake.
22:15Come.
22:16Wake up.
22:18Marrows.
22:19Marrows.
22:20Shut up.
22:21My mind, Marrows.
22:21Shut up.
22:22Shut up.
22:25Now, wake up.
22:25This is supposed to be your great day.
22:27I cannot stand up without holding on to a crutch.
22:31It would be better if you held on to my arm.
22:33Me neither.
22:34But you can.
22:34Come on.
22:37No.
22:38No.
22:38No.
22:39No.
22:39No.
22:40No.
22:40No.
22:41No.
22:41No.
22:41No, no.
22:42I'll be sure.
22:43I'll see you.
22:43Mr. Hugo, oh, Mr. Sarge, oh, Colonel, Captain, Lieutenant, Olga, how nice of you to come.
23:05We did not expect you.
23:07We could not let your mother marry without paying our respects.
23:10And we check where to put the bomb.
23:13How well is the clothes of the best man suit, Monsieur Rene.
23:21You cut quite a dashing figure, Rene.
23:25Thank you, Lieutenant.
23:26Do we count you as a friend of the bride or a friend of the groom?
23:30How about a friend of the best man?
23:32Is the bride here yet?
23:47Well, you will have to forgive her.
23:49She is what you might call knocking on a bit.
23:52Rene, it is Monsieur Alphonse.
23:54Madame Edith, your mother is outside in the house.
24:03Burying or burying?
24:09Psst, look, Monsieur Leclerc, he has dropped off again.
24:14Oh, Edith, lend me your smelling salts.
24:16It is a wedding, Father.
24:18Come with me.
24:27Jean Leclerc, wake up in here.
24:31Marouille, Marouille.
24:33Shut up.
24:34Stand up.
24:36Your bride is here.
24:37Come with me.
25:07Dearly beloved, we are gathered together to join this man and this woman in only matrimony.
25:32Not yet, Monsieur. I've yet to do pages of this stuff.
25:42He cannot stand.
25:54I am putting the massage on the log.
25:59The massage is now tied to the log. You can lunch it.
26:04One, two, through.
26:08It has crept on your heart.
26:17Do you, Ernest Dipstick Leclerc, take this woman to be your lawful wedded wife?
26:32He does.
26:35Do you, Fanny, now you see it, now you do not, your fan, take this man to be your lawful wedded husband?
26:44She does as well.
26:49Then I pronounce you man and wife.
26:53Now you can get into bed.
26:56Now you can get into bed.
27:11Wake up, Mama.
27:14What?
27:15You are now man and wife.
27:17He has done it.
27:20When?
27:21While you were asleep.
27:23That is their nest all over.
27:28Almost the impatient one.
27:32When you were asleep.
27:33I am trazied.
27:34Good people.
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