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00:00To be in the thrall of a narcissist is like living in your own personal hell.
00:05But let's take a look inside the mind of the devil.
00:08The Picture of Dorian Gray is Oscar Wilde's great philosophical novel.
00:11It explores the life of one Dorian Gray, who as the result of a wish made in his youth does not age,
00:16and instead all of the scars of his life and his sins are borne by a portrait that he keeps locked away in his attic.
00:23I love this novel for many reasons, but today I want to talk about how it perfectly illustrates the inner world of a narcissist.
00:29The character of Dorian Gray cares only for himself.
00:32He manipulates the people around him and overpowers them with the sheer force of his personality.
00:37He does this all while feeling little guilt for most of the novel, at each case finding some flimsy justification for his actions.
00:43And the novel explores both this aspect of his character and its dire consequences.
00:48But first, a quick disclaimer. I'm not using the word narcissist in the same way that a psychiatrist would.
00:52I'm not trying to diagnose a fictional character with a personality disorder.
00:55Instead, I want to look at Dorian Gray's narcissistic traits.
00:59And see what we can learn from them about the inner world of a narcissist.
01:02Ultimately, I want to show how narcissism does not just corrupt the people around the narcissist,
01:07but eventually comes back to destroy the narcissist themselves.
01:10But first, let's set the scene.
01:12Three high society men are languishing in a garden.
01:15The first man is Basil Horwood, who is a painter obsessed with Dorian Gray's beauty.
01:19He paints the portrait that will eventually age in Dorian's place.
01:22Horwood prides himself on being a good man, and is the angel on Dorian's shoulder.
01:27Next, we have Lord Henry Wotton, an avowed hedonist who wants nothing more than to eat, drink, and be merry.
01:32He is the devil to Horwood's angel.
01:34He cares little for the consequences of his actions or the effect that they have on others.
01:39He simply wants to enjoy all of life's sensations to the fullest.
01:42Finally, there is Dorian Gray himself, a beautiful young man who radiates charisma.
01:47The novel follows these three characters for around 20 years,
01:50and it charts Dorian Gray's descent into narcissism and his eventual self-destruction.
01:55So, with our main cast introduced, let's get started.
01:58One, vanity.
01:59The first element of Dorian Gray's narcissism is his vanity.
02:02He becomes obsessed with his looks and his own charisma.
02:05Early on in the book, he is told by Lord Henry that he is so handsome,
02:08and has such a force of personality,
02:10that people will find it very easy to become obsessed with him.
02:13People will fall in love with him, worship him, do anything he says.
02:16And Gray is immediately seized by this idea.
02:19He becomes furious at the beautiful portrait of him that Horwood has painted,
02:23as he knows it will serve as a constant reminder of what he used to look like
02:26as his beauty fades over the years.
02:28He casually wishes that his portrait would age,
02:30while he would remain young and unscarred forever.
02:33And unbeknownst to him at this point, his wish was granted.
02:36And we see, over the course of the novel, how much his looks and raw personality serve him.
02:40Everyone trusts Gray upon first meeting him,
02:42and they almost seem captured in an aura when he's there.
02:45The endless self-confidence granted to him by this effect he has on others
02:48means he seldom questions whether he's doing the right thing.
02:51After all, he faces very little pushback for it.
02:53He slowly begins to take on Lord Henry's idea that to be beautiful is far better than to be good.
02:59Thus, his beauty and charisma become justifications for his increasing manipulation of the people around him.
03:04His feeling of superiority assures him that he cannot do anything wrong.
03:08One turning point in the novel comes in his romance with the actress Sybil Vane.
03:12Gray sees her performances and immediately falls in love with her, proposing to marry her forthwith.
03:16But when he brings along his friends to see her act, she is so lovestruck that all her acting ability leaves her.
03:22Embarrassed in front of his friends, Gray goes backstage after the play and loses his temper completely at Sybil.
03:27He says that he once loved her because she was an artist, but clearly she is an artist no longer.
03:32She has become ugly in his eyes and is no longer worth loving, and certainly not worth marrying.
03:37In response, Sybil takes her own life.
03:39And back at Dorian Gray's house, a cruel smirk develops on his portrait's lips.
03:44And it is interesting to see just how Gray justifies his cruelty here.
03:47He soothes his conscience by saying that the whole tragic romance is incredibly aesthetic,
03:52comparing it to the Shakespearean romances Sybil used to star in.
03:55In other words, aesthetic considerations have overtaken moral considerations in Gray's mind.
04:00This is the depth of his vanity and the first true mark of his narcissism.
04:04Anything can be justified, as long as it's beautiful.
04:06And since he's the most beautiful man in London, well, he can do anything.
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04:162. Nihilism and Hedonism
04:18It is immediately after the tragic death of Sybil Vane that the first cracks begin to show in Gray's worldview.
04:24Having read a book given to him by Lord Henry about the triumphs of hedonism,
04:27he becomes obsessed with the idea of experiencing all sensations,
04:31of throwing away any sort of moral compunction,
04:33and instead embracing simple, short-term, hedonistic desires.
04:37In his own words,
04:37I have never searched for happiness.
04:39Who wants happiness?
04:40I have searched for pleasure.
04:42Here, we see Gray fully dismissing any hope for long-term fulfillment,
04:46sacrificing it at the altar of momentary pleasure.
04:48And this hedonism necessarily comes with a certain form of nihilism.
04:52Gray values nothing apart from his pleasure.
04:54He embraces a form of crude individualism,
04:57where nothing really matters apart from himself.
04:59This is where we see his narcissistic tendencies come into full force.
05:03He sets about indulging himself in every sort of debauchery without any care of what the effects might be on other people.
05:09He envelops those he meets in his nihilistic influence,
05:12using his beauty and charismatic presence to either get them to do his bidding,
05:16or corrupt their very souls into something completely unrecognizable.
05:19Everyone who associates with him seems to come out the other side in complete ruins.
05:23One of the men's up addicted to opium.
05:25Another has his entire reputation destroyed.
05:27Another takes his own life.
05:29The women he associates with are all scandalized because it is highly implied that Gray sleeps with them and then makes no secret of it.
05:35His friendship takes the force of a black hole.
05:38The gravitational force of his charisma sucks people in,
05:40and then his corrupting influence crushes them into nothing.
05:43They re-emerge into the world as shells of their former selves,
05:47with the mark of nihilism branded on their foreheads.
05:50But this hedonism not only corrupts others,
05:52it begins to erode Gray's own mind.
05:54He is stalked by the shadow of ennui,
05:57that general sense of meaninglessness in life.
05:59I am always struck by how remarkably bored Gray seems to be during most of the book,
06:03despite ostensibly living a life of pleasure.
06:05He seems to know that the pleasure is only surface deep.
06:08In his pursuit of his own immediate joy,
06:10he has forsaken any genuine connection with other people,
06:13and this has ultimately left him feeling empty inside.
06:16The person he spends the most time with is Lord Henry,
06:18and Gray remarks that he doesn't even feel close to him.
06:21Gray gets used to discarding friends without a second thought once he is finished with them,
06:24and this means he never gets to feel the genuine life-affirming effects of a true companion.
06:30And this is the beginning of the tragedy of narcissism.
06:33The narcissist may fool themselves that they are happy for a short while,
06:36using everyone as means to an end,
06:38but this situation cannot continue.
06:40Wilde's book reminds us that the momentary pleasures of life
06:43will not grant us happiness or fulfilment without a higher meaning.
06:46Hedonism is a great philosophy for one evening,
06:48but a terrible philosophy for life.
06:50It is only by forging genuine connections with others,
06:53and seeing them as equal to ourselves,
06:55with their own thoughts, feelings, goals, values and ambitions,
06:59that we can actually begin to find some meaning and comfort in this life.
07:02And there are even worse side effects of Gray's narcissism to come,
07:06and that is what we shall explore next.
07:083. Guilt and Shame
07:10In his wish for his portrait to bear all his sins and all the weariness of age,
07:15Gray has attempted to split his soul in two.
07:17He wants the picture in his attic to contain his conscience, his guilt, his shame,
07:21while he remains carefree despite his evil deeds.
07:24Unfortunately for Gray,
07:26even this bizarre supernatural intervention is unable to help him here.
07:29During the novel, Gray's mind wanders between feeling no remorse for his actions
07:33to suddenly being plunged into guilt, fear and shame.
07:37At a pivotal moment in the novel,
07:39Basil Hallward meets with Gray and begins to explain to him
07:41the consequences of his complete disregard for other people.
07:44He tells Gray of how all his former friends and lovers
07:46have had their lives ruined by his influence.
07:48He explains how people have begun to see him as a scheming figure,
07:52cloaked in a superficial charm,
07:53but with deep evil lurking just below the surface.
07:56He implores Gray to change his ways,
07:58to use his good looks and endless charm
08:00to influence people for the better,
08:02and to be mindful of his effects in this world.
08:04In other words,
08:05he forces Gray to come face to face with his conscience.
08:08In response,
08:09Gray flies into a fearful rage.
08:12He simply cannot bear the weight of his own conscience crushing his spirit.
08:15Gray invites Basil up to see the portrait Basil painted of him all those years ago.
08:20Basil is horrified to discover that the portrait bears not only the signs of Gray's ageing,
08:24but all the outward signals of his sin.
08:26The portrait's face is twisted into a wicked smile,
08:29and it begins to resemble a rotting corpse.
08:32It shows exactly how wicked the soul of Dorian Gray has become.
08:36Gray is horrified at the sight of the portrait,
08:38and begins to sob in a corner,
08:39when all of a sudden his anger arrives,
08:41fresh and violent.
08:43He blames Basil for the stains on his conscience,
08:45and for the guilt he feels at his own deeds.
08:47And then he murders Basil,
08:49furiously stabbing him to death.
08:51It is this evil act which is the true breaking point for Dorian Gray's mind.
08:55He falls into total despair,
08:56and runs off to an opium den to drug himself into a stupor.
08:59But even there,
09:00he can't escape the legacy of his wicked deeds.
09:02There he meets the brother of Sybil,
09:04that young actress he wronged so grievously in his youth.
09:07The brother seizes Gray,
09:08and threatens to kill him.
09:09And while Gray does manage to escape,
09:11from that moment on he is gripped with terror.
09:13He begins to suspect the brother is everywhere,
09:16just out of sight,
09:17just waiting to kill Gray.
09:19Even when the brother is killed,
09:20Gray cannot escape his conscience,
09:22and can't bear to be left alone.
09:24I think this perfectly illustrates just how futile it is
09:27to try to run away from our conscience.
09:29The narcissist's great blessing,
09:30is that they find it easy to disregard their conscience for a short time.
09:33But their ultimate curse,
09:34is that they cannot ignore it forever.
09:36Eventually,
09:37in the dark corners of the nights,
09:38where there is nothing stirring but our minds,
09:41our better natures will whisper in our ear,
09:43and chastise us for all our evil deeds,
09:46all our crimes,
09:47all our sins.
09:48It will show us the faces of everyone we've ever wronged,
09:51and demand that we answer to them.
09:53Narcissism may seem like a great approach to life.
09:55What better way to live a pleasant existence,
09:57than to believe you are the best person in it,
09:59and everyone is there to serve you.
10:01But this delusion of grandeur cannot be maintained.
10:03Eventually, reality will come back to bite us,
10:06when we realise that we are not demigods,
10:08but flawed beings,
10:09who have ignored their own values for too long.
10:11And for Dorian Gray,
10:12it truly has been too long.
10:14Four,
10:15the habit of narcissism.
10:16Ultimately,
10:16the most destructive thing about Gray's narcissism,
10:19is that it becomes such an ingrained habit,
10:21that he just can't shake it.
10:22Even when he tries to be better,
10:24he just cannot bring himself to genuinely care about others.
10:27In the final two chapters of the book,
10:29Dorian Gray goes to Lord Henry,
10:30and proclaims that he has changed.
10:32He now cares for other people.
10:34He confesses he met a young girl,
10:36in a village he was staying in,
10:37and he could have taken advantage of her,
10:39like he had done with all the others.
10:40He could have used her,
10:41and left her in the dust,
10:42her reputation destroyed,
10:44and her prospects ruined.
10:45But,
10:45he did not.
10:46He restrained himself,
10:47and left her unbesmirched,
10:48by his wicked influence.
10:50He tells Lord Henry,
10:51this is the beginning of his new life,
10:53the beginning of his existence,
10:54as a good man.
10:55But,
10:55Lord Henry just laughs.
10:57He says that Gray,
10:57has not actually done any good at all.
10:59The girl from the village will now pine after him,
11:01for the rest of her life,
11:02and she will be completely unable,
11:04to love another.
11:05And either way,
11:06he really suspects Gray's motives.
11:07Gray has not truly done this,
11:09out of the kindness of his heart,
11:10but for some new aesthetic flavour.
11:12He wants to play at being a good man,
11:14but he doesn't actually have it in him,
11:15to be a good man.
11:17At least,
11:17not according to Lord Henry.
11:18Gray's ultimate concerns,
11:20still lie firmly with himself.
11:22Gray runs back home,
11:23to unveil his portrait,
11:24and he discovers,
11:25that alongside all of the signs,
11:27of age and cruelty,
11:28it now has the distinct look,
11:30of hypocrisy and insincerity.
11:32It was true.
11:32Gray only had his own interests at heart,
11:35and could not care for others.
11:36In a rage,
11:37Gray stabs the portrait,
11:38ending his own life.
11:39This last point,
11:40shows both the misery,
11:42and the tragedy,
11:42of the narcissist perfectly.
11:44Eventually,
11:45not caring for others,
11:46becomes a habit.
11:46And just like any other habit,
11:48it grows stronger,
11:49over time.
11:49Just as if you had painted portraits,
11:51for 10 hours per day,
11:52for two decades,
11:53you would become a great painter.
11:55If you thought only of yourself,
11:56for 10 hours a day,
11:58you would become,
11:58a fantastic narcissist.
12:00Even if you wanted to change your ways,
12:02it would become,
12:02incredibly difficult.
12:04Here,
12:04Wilde even seems to think,
12:05that it would be impossible.
12:06But perhaps,
12:07I am more of an optimist,
12:08than Wilde.
12:08Or at least,
12:09my interpretation of Wilde here.
12:10It is always difficult,
12:11to change the habit,
12:12of a lifetime.
12:13But that does not mean,
12:14that it can't be done.
12:15I wonder what would have happened,
12:16if Gray had not stabbed the painting,
12:18but instead,
12:19slowly begun,
12:19to reintroduce care,
12:21for other people in his life.
12:22He could start small at first,
12:24something as simple,
12:24as letting others ahead of him,
12:26when he walks into rooms.
12:27Or summoning up,
12:28genuine goodwill,
12:29for the people he called his friends.
12:30But over time,
12:31he could gradually build up,
12:32his habit of caring for others,
12:34until he was a great influence,
12:35for good in the world.
12:36With his looks,
12:37his charisma,
12:37and his learning,
12:38nothing would be impossible for him.
12:40He could have become,
12:41a great leader,
12:41a brilliant philanthropist.
12:43He could have left the world,
12:44a better place,
12:45than how he found it.
12:46Instead,
12:46at the first sign,
12:47that it would be difficult,
12:48to change his wicked ways,
12:49he gave up entirely.
12:51I suppose,
12:51we will never know,
12:52how things might have turned out differently.
12:54But,
12:54we can use Grey,
12:55as a sort of,
12:55anti-example here.
12:57This,
12:57is how not,
12:58to become a better person.
12:59Such things take time,
13:01and we must be patient with ourselves,
13:02or else,
13:03we won't stand a chance.
13:04And finally,
13:05a word of warning.
13:06Five,
13:07the temptation,
13:08of Dorian Grey.
13:09One of the most powerful things,
13:11about the picture,
13:11of Dorian Grey,
13:12is just how well,
13:13Grey's life works out for him,
13:15until suddenly,
13:16it doesn't.
13:17He is enjoying his hedonistic life,
13:19until he suddenly isn't,
13:20and is filled to the brim,
13:21with despair.
13:22He is content being evil,
13:24until his conscience bursts through,
13:25and he is completely overwhelmed.
13:27His inflated ego,
13:28works greatly to his advantage,
13:30until the bubble suddenly pops,
13:32and he is left lying dead,
13:33on his attic floor.
13:34And this,
13:35is what makes a hedonistic,
13:36narcissistic approach to life,
13:38just so tempting.
13:39If you look around you,
13:40you will see that people,
13:41who prioritize themselves,
13:43and their egos,
13:44above all else,
13:44do very very well,
13:45in the short term.
13:46They may seem successful in love,
13:48because their confidence,
13:49does not falter,
13:50even for a moment,
13:51and they deliberately target,
13:52vulnerable individuals.
13:54They may make more money,
13:55because they are untroubled,
13:56with petty things,
13:57like imposter syndrome,
13:58or self-doubt.
13:59They may exude charisma,
14:00and charm.
14:01Their self-assurance,
14:02seeming almost intoxicating,
14:03to the people around them.
14:05But Wilde's great novel,
14:06reminds us,
14:06that such a state of,
14:07narcissistic bliss,
14:09can only last,
14:10for a short time.
14:11You can only sit,
14:12staring at your reflection,
14:13in the lake,
14:13for so long,
14:14before you fall in,
14:15and drown.
14:16And we all have,
14:17narcissistic tendencies,
14:18to a greater,
14:19or to a lesser extent.
14:20We all sometimes,
14:21indulge in a slight feeling,
14:22of superiority,
14:23to our fellow man.
14:24We are all guilty,
14:25of ignoring the needs of others,
14:26to satisfy ourselves,
14:27from time to time.
14:28And there's nothing,
14:29inherently wrong with this,
14:30in small doses.
14:31We're all human.
14:32But I think,
14:32that the character,
14:33of Dorian Gray,
14:34is a great illustration,
14:35of what happens,
14:36when we lean,
14:37on the crutch of egoism,
14:38too heavily.
14:39It will seem,
14:39to bear our weight,
14:40for a time.
14:41But then,
14:41it will suddenly snap,
14:43and we will be left,
14:44alone on the floor,
14:45surrounded,
14:46by the shattered remains,
14:47of our selfish lives.
14:49Gaze,
14:49at the inner mind,
14:50of the narcissist,
14:51for too long.
14:51And you might just see,
14:52pieces of yourself,
14:54in there.
14:54I hope you enjoyed the video,
14:55and subscribe,
14:56to my channel,
14:57and my email list,
14:57for more,
14:58on thinking,
14:58to improve your life.
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