That Mitchell and Webb Look - Season 4 Episode 06
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00:00Hello there, I'm Dobby Cozy, and I'm here for a prayer in a pint, which this week comes
00:24from deep beneath the earth of the Large Hadron Collider and Surge!
00:46Oh, that's much quieter!
00:48And I'm joined here in the canteen at CERN by Doctor of Physics, Mr. Roland Cain.
01:00Will you have a pint?
01:02I would love a pint.
01:07Cheers.
01:07Cheers.
01:08Cheers.
01:14And Roland and the other boffins here at the Large Hadron Collider are up to something rather
01:21exciting, because they're trying to blow up the universe.
01:26Which, I have to say, Roland, to a layman like me, sounds like a terrible idea.
01:32So what's all that about?
01:34That's not what we're trying to do.
01:36Right. So what went wrong?
01:39No, Donnie, we're trying to recreate the conditions that existed, the tiniest, tiniest fraction
01:45of a second after the Big Bang.
01:47So...
01:49Bang!
01:54And actually, it is making a bit of a mmm noise.
01:59Well, that may be why.
02:01And I must say, Roland, if that's a large Hadron Collider, I don't much fancy standing
02:09next to an enormous one.
02:12And a lot of the work here is, of course, still carried out by hand.
02:16But now it's time for a hymn.
02:19And this week it comes with an apology to our regular correspondents, Phil and Meg McQueen
02:25of Sulky Abbott, which is, of course, in Sussex, and not, as I previously read out, bum sex.
02:33Sorry about that.
02:35Red faces all round.
02:37And to make up for it, here's, all I want to do, all I want to do, all I want to do is praise him.
02:46And do join us next week when A Prayer and a Point is coming from the Mere Space Station
02:53in Conyers Wood.
02:55Cheers.
02:55All I want to do is praise him.
03:06All I want to do, all I want to do, all I want to do is praise him.
03:16What do I want to do, what do I want to do, what do I want to do, praise him.
03:27Who do I want to praise, who do I want to praise, who do I want to praise, God.
03:46What's so scary is there among us now?
04:10Any one of us could be one of them.
04:12The machines.
04:13I ain't no fracking machine.
04:15Frack those fracking machines.
04:18Isn't that right, Colin?
04:19Does not compute.
04:21Does not compute.
04:22You're right there, Colin.
04:24John Gravey with that, love.
04:26Negative oil.
04:28Must eat oil.
04:29Oil, Colin.
04:32Colin loves his oil.
04:33Oil.
04:34Oil.
04:34Oil.
04:35Try it.
05:0015-inch wireless slim top with a new tabby cat operating system.
05:08Tidy.
05:09Slashing edge.
05:11So, we're looking at what, 1800 with all the bells and wizards?
05:141800, and you get power carpet thrown in.
05:16Power carpet, naturally.
05:18Any upgrabs it might need are available from the in-store wow donut.
05:21There's a Hartford line, this Jackie, obviously.
05:24Eight times as thick as you'd get at home.
05:26Octofat. Nice.
05:28Octofat. Thank you. I'll take it.
05:34Where do I pay?
05:37No, no, I'm the customer.
05:40I'm the customer, you're the shop assistant.
05:42I'm definitely the customer.
05:44You've got the shirt.
05:46I'm just brand loyal. I don't work here.
05:49I'm sure we said I was the customer.
05:52No, I'm the customer because I'm standing on the customer side of the shopping table.
05:57Is this still the shop sketch?
05:59Yes, we agreed to make it modern.
06:01We shouldn't have done that.
06:03Look, we can't stay in the past.
06:05Shops have changed.
06:06Not in sketches.
06:07I told you.
06:08You need a bell and a wooden counter and a man wearing brown overalls who says,
06:12Hello, sir. Welcome to the computer shop.
06:14How can I help you today?
06:16Where do you go shopping?
06:17The last time anyone did that, this would have been the size of a bus.
06:21We can make the computer bigger.
06:23No, this is what these shops are like now.
06:27It's just confusing.
06:29I mean, we could be anywhere.
06:31Are we in heaven?
06:34We'd have harps.
06:36And to be strictly realistic, you wouldn't even be in a shop.
06:39You can pick one of those up for half the price online.
06:42Good call.
06:43Start again?
06:44It's probably for the best.
06:45Perfect.
06:4716-inch Slim Top, Tabby Cat OS, four Tetrabyx of Win-telligence.
06:52Just go to checkout.
06:56Hello, sir.
06:57Welcome to the internet shop.
06:58How can I help you?
06:59I'd like to buy a computer, please.
07:09May the new clue!
07:19Felicity, how'd it go?
07:21Well, Ian, I went in there and put my heart and soul into it.
07:26Really gave it my heart and soul.
07:29And at the end of the day, speaking from my heart and soul, that's really all I could have done.
07:35Is it, though?
07:37What?
07:38Putting your heart and soul into it.
07:40Is that really all you could have done?
07:42What about practising?
07:44Or learning the words?
07:45Or trying to stay in tune?
07:47Aren't all those things quite important?
07:50Yeah, but what I'm saying is, Ian, I went in there today, put my heart and soul on the line, really gave it my heart and soul.
07:59And at the end of the day, coming right from my heart and soul now, there's really nothing else I could have done.
08:07Yeah, but technically, there is, though.
08:10What?
08:10Well, you know, you could have got up early and rehearsed.
08:13You could have dressed like a proper singer instead of getting trussed up in leather like some Tory MP two seconds before a fatal wanking accident.
08:19You could have picked a funky, modern tune instead of that sort of depressing, Mariah Carey thing that sounded like something a taxi driver would listen to whilst burning photo albums in a lay-by.
08:29Or you could have worked on your vocal technique, which, to be honest, was a bit hoarse and shouty.
08:34I don't mean to be rude, but you put me in mind of a dog trying to bark the alphabet.
08:38Is any of this helping?
08:39But I put my heart and soul into that performance.
08:42Yeah, but in the real world, that's not really good enough.
08:47Which, if you think about it, Felicity, is probably why you're still living with your gran and working in that biro factory.
08:53In real life, as opposed to the happy, clappy, rainbow fantasy world that you see fit to fly through on your winged unicorn of delusion,
09:01sincerity is no excuse for failure.
09:04You don't see pilots saying, sorry I killed 300 people and sheared the roof off that church.
09:09I guess I was giving it too much heart and soul.
09:11Kids are watching this.
09:13Kids, yeah, brilliant.
09:14Because, of course, having children is sort of like a way of achieving something without needing any talent.
09:19Which, if you think about it, is a metaphor for your whole life.
09:23I hate you. You're a horrible presenter.
09:26Actually, Felicity, I'm not a presenter at all.
09:29I just come here on my lunch break and do this for fun.
09:32Tis you.
09:35They reckon the machines have infiltrated this ship now.
09:39What, this ship?
09:41The flagship?
09:42Fracking machines.
09:44Affirmative.
09:46You off your food, Colin.
09:48Do you want something else instead?
09:49Electric.
09:50Must eat electric.
09:53You know, one of them killed Gavin trying to get to the security level.
09:58Fracking machines.
10:00Fracking toasters.
10:03Thanks, Colin.
10:03I think it might be both.
10:08Bargains, bargains, bargains.
10:18Saga, Oscar, dolog.
10:20Diddle-dee-dee.
10:22What other supermarkets hide in sausages we hide everywhere?
10:25Just look at these giveaway-style bargains.
10:27Taste-watch vegeta bits in breadcrumbs, only 18p.
10:31Heat-style magazine in breadcrumbs, only 95p.
10:35Frozen party pack of deep-fried ranch-style dinosaur-flavour fun shapes in breadcrumbs, 9p.
10:40That's the diddle-dee-dee difference.
10:43Diddle-dee.
10:44Wake up and smell the shopping.
10:47Bloody hell.
10:48Typical.
10:49Have you read this?
10:50Yes, and I agree with you.
10:51Oh, right.
10:53Hang on.
10:53No, you haven't.
10:55Okay, what?
10:57Scientists say that future generations have a very real possibility of living indefinitely.
11:02Oh, good.
11:03Don't be an idiot.
11:04Did you hear me?
11:05Future generations, not us.
11:07Right.
11:08Well, don't you know what that means?
11:10It means we're going to be the unluckiest generation ever.
11:13Why?
11:14Because we're going to be the last ones to die, you dick.
11:17Oh, well.
11:18We're going to be, like, dying and being looked after and leaving all our money to a bloody bunch of immortal super beings.
11:27David, are you jealous?
11:29What?
11:30Are you jealous of your future unborn children?
11:33Do you want your unborn children to die?
11:36I mean, not actually see them die, but you'd want to know that one day they will.
11:41You'd look into the eyes of your child, all full of hope and wonder,
11:45and console yourself with the thought that they, too, will age and fail.
11:50Can you just drop the whole sanctimonious fatherhood thing?
11:53What?
11:54Oh, David, now I've got a baby, I feel all different about everything.
11:59Oh, David, you just wait, David, till you've got a baby, then you'll feel the same.
12:03You won't want to kill or hate any more.
12:05Look.
12:06Can we not do the baby death sketch?
12:08It just makes me a bit squeamish, now I've got a baby.
12:11You vetoed all those back pain sketches.
12:13There is nothing funny about back pain.
12:15Don't lick me out to be the weird one, just because I don't like jokes about children dying.
12:19I'm not saying all the jokes have to be about children dying.
12:22OK.
12:23I just think it's mean-spirited to resent your descendants' potential immortality,
12:27which, incidentally, isn't going to happen.
12:30Oh, hark at Ben Goldacre with his analysis of the science articles.
12:34I've seen you take vitamin C.
12:35I just think you should calm down about it.
12:37Well, they'd better sort their pensions out, I can tell you.
12:40If they will be screwed on their pensions, smug little immortal bastards.
12:45It cheers you up, doesn't it?
12:47Yeah.
12:48Smug little bastards.
12:50Introducing Cat Cat, the delicious new chocolate snack for cats.
12:59Yes, for you, my feline friend.
13:01Available in three great flavours.
13:04Chocolate mouse and mouse.
13:07Yes, cats love it.
13:09Although that was a cat's paw on a stick.
13:13And it's good for them, too.
13:14I'm sorry, Mrs Dawson.
13:22There was nothing we could do.
13:24Did he maybe eat too much Cat Cat?
13:27No.
13:31If it helps at all,
13:33the Cat Cat Charitable Foundation
13:35are offering free feline burial this month.
13:39That would be kind.
13:40I'm too grief-stricken to dig.
13:43Excellent.
13:44New from the Cat Cat Foundation,
14:06it's Kid Cat,
14:07the cat snack for kids.
14:09Are you having trouble getting your kids to eat enough cat?
14:13Oh, come on, love.
14:14Eat up your boiled cat.
14:16It's good for you.
14:17Don't like it.
14:19How about a Kid Cat?
14:22Wow, yes, please.
14:25Kids love it.
14:26So that was a kid's hand on a stick.
14:30Kid Cat,
14:31the cat you can eat between cats.
14:33I'm so sorry, Mrs Lawson.
14:37There was nothing I could do.
14:41I don't know where I went wrong.
14:44We gave him all the cat the government recommended,
14:46and more.
14:49Chris,
14:50a quick word.
14:51Yes?
14:52Bit of a weird one.
14:54Have you been encouraging parents
14:56to feed their children
14:57cats?
14:58Yes.
14:59Five portions of cat or kitten a day.
15:02Why?
15:03Well,
15:05cats.
15:06I'm more of a dog person.
15:08What?
15:08You're watching the British Emergency Broadcasting System.
15:14It's the beginning of the second age.
15:17Every ending is a beginning.
15:19And now it's time for the return of
15:21The Quiz Broadcast.
15:23Hello, good evening,
15:29and come back indoors.
15:34Regular viewers will remember
15:35that in our last broadcast,
15:37they got in and ate Sheila.
15:39So, round one,
15:41what happened next?
15:42They all died.
15:44That's right, Peter.
15:45They all just died.
15:46We didn't kill them.
15:48There were thousands of them.
15:49They were so angry.
15:51And then they died.
15:53They died.
15:55And they all just died.
15:58Why did they all die?
15:59We don't know.
16:00That was question two.
16:03But they all died.
16:05They used to be us.
16:07They used to be us.
16:09And they all died.
16:12Round two is our head-to-head round.
16:15But there's only me left.
16:18Yes, but we've still got Sheila's head.
16:20Sheila was kind.
16:25I'm afraid you've dropped Sheila's head, Peter,
16:28so the winner of this week's head-to-head is Sheila.
16:32Well done, Sheila.
16:34I'm happy for Sheila.
16:36I'm happy for Sheila.
16:37Well, I'm afraid that's it for this week's Quiz Broadcast,
16:40as there's no-one else.
16:43There's no-one else.
16:44People will come.
16:49Let's stand together.
16:56Are you there?
16:58Yes.
17:08So, we're all agreed that that's the best way to do it?
17:11Absolutely.
17:11It's so simple.
17:12No messing around with poison-tipped umbrellas or snipers.
17:15We just get a chauffeur drunk.
17:17Slightly drunk.
17:18And, uh, and assume that he'll crash the car.
17:23Yeah.
17:24As long as we pay for a bunch of motorcycling photographers to harass him,
17:28I'm sure that'll happen.
17:29And the good news is that that only involves swearing another 15 or so people to perpetual silence.
17:34Yes.
17:35Plus, people always die in car crashes, don't they?
17:38Yes, always.
17:39And, uh, people who drive over the limit always crash.
17:42What we're organising here, my friends, is a watertight hit.
17:47My only worry is that it'll look so much like a murder that people will suspect.
17:52Well, that is the risk we run by doing it this way.
17:55It will be totally obvious that it's an assassination,
17:57but remember what the Duke of Edinburgh said when he came in here to MI6 to give us our orders.
18:03I don't mind carrying the lifelong suspicion of murder on my shoulders
18:06as long as you kill her in such a way that absolutely nothing can go wrong.
18:10Well, induced tipsy car crash, it'll have to be then.
18:14It simply can't fail.
18:16Unless she wears a seatbelt.
18:17No, she won't.
18:19She's unprovably pregnant, remember?
18:21Women recently impregnated by the only man they've ever loved
18:24are notoriously slapdash about their personal safety.
18:28So, Dart, you're our best troubleshooter.
18:31Is there anything that we've missed?
18:33I've just got one little niggle.
18:35Why are we doing this?
18:37Well, because Prince Philip told us to.
18:40It's well known that the nation's security services
18:42are still pretty much at the beck and call of the royal family.
18:46This is top priority.
18:47The IRA can do whatever they like this weekend, let me tell you.
18:51And why is he doing it?
18:53Well, because she's so popular.
18:55She's beautiful and everyone loves her.
18:56We need to kill her now so that people will go off her.
18:59Of course.
18:59I mean, just think about it.
19:03If she's left alive to age as gracefully as one can
19:06while bringing up the bastard grandchild of a delusional Egyptian businessman,
19:11then the public's just going to love her more and more.
19:14You're quite right.
19:17Has her appearance wrinkles and sags
19:19and she occasionally makes a vacuous remark about something complicated.
19:23People's hatred for the rest of the royal family will only intensify.
19:26Whereas if she's dead, she'll be forgotten in a week.
19:31Yes, of course.
19:32You've made me feel very naive.
19:36Hello?
19:38Oh.
19:38Life-imitating art, I suppose.
19:41Right.
19:41Well, thank you.
19:43Well, you can stand down, everyone.
19:46That all just happened by accident.
19:50Well, don't tell Prince Philip.
19:52We'll still get our fee.
19:53Watson, come in here this instant.
20:10Ah, good morning, Dr. Watson.
20:12Good morning.
20:13And how is he today?
20:14Oh, pretty good.
20:15He's already cracked the case of keeping the breakfast down
20:18and now he's on to the mystery of the disappearing slipper.
20:21Where's my slipper?
20:24Is it on your foot?
20:26Yes.
20:29It's very good of you, you know, to come in every day.
20:32Well, he has the most brilliantly incisive mind of his generation.
20:36Where's my slipper?
20:39Perhaps you'll take him in an apple.
20:43Indeed.
20:53Morning, Holmes.
20:59Ah, Mrs. Hudson.
21:01Have you seen Watson?
21:04He's just here.
21:07Morning, Holmes.
21:08Ah, Watson.
21:09I can see from the slight traces of mud on your right trouser leg
21:13and the fact that you're holding a bunch of geraniums
21:16that you're a retired cavalry officer
21:18who's just fallen in love with a Mexican.
21:20Extraordinary, Holmes.
21:22Your powers remain undiminished.
21:24Can I have my mashed apple?
21:26Of course.
21:29Delicious.
21:32Ah, Mrs. Hudson.
21:33Everything all right?
21:34Yes, just a slight accident with the mashed apple.
21:37Yuck!
21:37I think Holmes was afraid it was a trap
21:40laid for him by his nemesis, Professor Moriarty.
21:42Yes, please.
21:47Well, Holmes, I've, um...
21:49I've brought your copy of The Strand magazine.
21:53Same headline as always.
21:56Hold it still.
21:59So, um...
22:00How about, uh, a bit of a tune on the old Stradivarius?
22:07Enchanting, Holmes.
22:20You can't go in there.
22:21Only one visitor at a time.
22:23It's vital that I speak to Mr. Holmes.
22:34Why, The Strand, it must be, what, ten years?
22:37Dr. Watson, Mr. Holmes.
22:38Ah, Mrs. Hudson.
22:40No time for tea, Mr. Holmes.
22:41There's a problem at the Treasury,
22:43and the Prime Minister himself has asked me to consult you.
22:46Now, I know it's been quite a while,
22:47but as Dr. Watson always says,
22:49you've forgotten more about detective work
22:51than he and I will ever know.
22:53Why have my legs gone warm?
22:58Perhaps this is a bad time.
23:00A case, you say?
23:02Uh...
23:02Go on, Inspector.
23:07Yes, right.
23:08Uh, well, uh, Mr. Holmes,
23:11some bullion has disappeared from the vaults
23:14beneath the Bank of England.
23:15An inside job, we reckon.
23:17This calls for disguise.
23:22I'm a Chinaman!
23:23Where's Holmes gone?
23:30Uh, yes, where is Mr. Holmes?
23:33Here!
23:34Shh!
23:34Oh, damn.
23:36Bravo, Mr. Holmes, I think you've cracked it.
23:38Have I?
23:39Of course you did, just like always.
23:41Yes, indeed, Mr. Holmes.
23:43Uh, well, I'd better be getting back to the yard
23:46and tell everyone that, once again,
23:48Sherlock Holmes has saved the day.
23:50Hooray!
23:50Well, well, Holmes,
24:00another successful case
24:02for me to write up.
24:07Isn't that right?
24:13I know, John.
24:15John.
24:15I-I-I-I do know.
24:31I can't get the fog to clear.
24:33Nurse!
24:53Oh, dear.
24:54Looks like a two-pipe problem.
24:56Let's get you cleaned up.
24:58I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I
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