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00:00Ferocious fights, stingy castles, daring knights
00:02Horrors that did by description
00:03Cutthroat council, bull ejection
00:05Vicious vikings, cruel crime
00:06Punishment for later times
00:07Roman rotten, rankin' rootless
00:09Cavemen, savage beers and tubeless
00:10Groovy Greeks, rainy sages
00:11Mean and missing middle ages
00:13Gory stories, we do that
00:15And your host are talking rats
00:18The past is no longer a mystery
00:21Welcome to...
00:22Horrible Histories
00:25Horrible Histories presents
00:29Pleadish pharaohs
00:31Welcome to ancient Egypt
00:34I am Pharaoh Rattaces II
00:37Son of Verminhotep and Queen Nefresqueaky
00:40I am your guide through the age of the pharaohs
00:44The kings and queens who ruled for 3,000 years
00:48They built the pyramids, the Great Sphinx
00:51And secret tombs of pharaohs like Tutankhamun
00:55That are so well hidden
00:56They won't be found for thousands of years
00:59There's some amazing stuff in this tomb
01:07Including an actual pharaoh
01:09Mind you, he's not dressed as fancy as me
01:12You see, when pharaohs die
01:14They get a bit of a makeover
01:16Hello
01:20We have a very special royal surprise for someone today
01:25Yeah
01:25We have got a makeover to die for
01:28Let's go and give them the good news
01:29Wow
01:30Seti I, recently deceased Egyptian pharaoh
01:34We're going to be dressing you for Do It
01:36The Egyptian afterlife
01:38Surprise, yay
01:39Bless
01:41I think someone is a bit overwhelmed
01:43And also dead
01:44Let's get on and do this
01:47So, Seti, you simply can't go on the mystical afterlife journey to the field of reeds or whatever
02:04Looking like that
02:05Or smelling like this
02:07You smell like my nan Seti
02:09What we're calling it, hippopotamus
02:11Let's get to work
02:13You might want to lie down for this bit
02:15Let's get organ cleansing
02:19So, what we thought we'd do is start out with some basic brain mushing with this big nasty hook
02:29Vicious
02:29Then we're going to pull all that mush out through your nose
02:33Does that sound okay to you, sweetheart?
02:35His silence speaks volumes
02:37Then we're going to remove your lungs, your intestines, your stomach, your liver
02:42And pop them in these tiny little jars so you can use them in the afterlife
02:46These little jars are just too cute
02:48But don't worry, we're not going to be leaving you feeling all empty
02:51We're going to be stuffing you to the brim with bits of grass, straw, mud, rags
02:56And my personal favourite, sawdust
02:58He is good to go
03:00Yaskin
03:04Total babe
03:05But I think it's time that we sort out those threads
03:07Yeah, now, clothes-wise
03:09I was thinking we'd just cover you in bandages with magic spells written on
03:13Love that detail
03:14And to finish off, a Tres Chic death mask
03:17What do you think, Seti?
03:18I think it's great
03:20I thought he was alive again or something
03:22Do we think he's ready?
03:24So ready, he's dead
03:26Seti, let's give this barrow some sargofasas
03:30Come on, we practice that
03:32Alright
03:32Before we met Seti the first, his look was dead boring
03:41But look at him now
03:43Talk about a yummy mummy
03:45Work it, work it, strike a pose
03:48And no one can hold a pose like Seti
03:51You are not the only one that has died and gone to heaven
03:53Well, that's it for today's special royal makeover
03:57Seti's ready for the afterlife
03:59And we're ready for the after-party
04:01After-party
04:03Sorry, style it out
04:04I'm Cleopatra
04:07One of the most famous ancient Egyptian pharaohs
04:10I ruled at the same time as Julius Caesar and Mark Antony
04:14What's up Mark Antony fans?
04:16Go away, this isn't about you
04:18It's about me
04:20One of the last ever pharaohs
04:22And it's about the more than 150 other pharaohs who came before me
04:27Including Tutankhamun, Ramesses II
04:31And way back at the very start
04:33The first pharaoh called Nama
04:36Nama is said to have united the separate parts of Egypt into one kingdom
04:41He eventually died an old man
04:43But it wasn't old age that killed him
04:45Well, the pallet is finished, pharaoh
04:50It is a carved record of the mighty deeds of your 62-year reign
04:55Oh, lovely, gimme, gimme, gimme
04:58He's fine
05:03Oh, my back
05:05Come on, let me pop
05:07Your majesty, perhaps the weight is beyond one who has lived so long
05:11Nonsense, a trifle
05:13A trifle
05:14After all
05:15Does not my name Nama mean
05:17The mighty cat-face?
05:25Are you good?
05:27Yes
05:28Yes, the pictures tell the story of how you united the kingdoms of the lower and upper Nile
05:34Did I?
05:35Yes, you did
05:36Oh
05:37It's good of me
05:38Combining their two crowns
05:39Oh
05:40To make one pharaoh of all Egypt
05:42Oh
05:43Oh no, I've gone again
05:47He's okay
05:48He's okay
05:49Oh
05:50Oh
05:51Tis a good crown
05:52But heavy in weight
05:54And in responsibility
05:58Dee
05:59You truly are the wisest of all
06:03Oh, a hippo
06:04Oh, I love hippos
06:07Um, pharaoh, should you really be playing with hippos at your age?
06:10Don't touch me, Mr. Hippos
06:13Oh, that's gotta hurt
06:16Poor pharaoh Nama
06:17So wise in all things except hippos
06:21Oh, nice, nice, Mr. Hippos
06:25If not, goodbye
06:29Those pharaohs were so powerful that if we wanted we could make our people build whole new cities, giant lighthouses or vast pyramids
06:38Watch this
06:40Oi, you! Build me a pyramid
06:42Build yourself a pyramid, stinky
06:46Charming
06:47So I guess it was all the pharaohs apart from me who did the amazing stuff
06:52Tutankhamun's dad, who was a pharaoh called Amenhotep IV, even changed the number of gods that people believed in
07:03What are the big announcements going to be?
07:05Hmm, I am hoping that pharaoh Amenhotep IV is going to announce a new religious holiday
07:11Oh, I love religious holidays
07:13People and priests of Egypt, your pharaoh Akhenaten wishes to speak with you
07:18Well, that's great, Queen Nefertiti, but the pharaoh's called Amenhotep
07:21That is what he wishes to speak to you about
07:26I've changed my name from Amenhotep
07:28Right
07:29Okay
07:30To Akhenaten
07:32Oh, that's a bit of a letdown
07:34Oh, I'm hoping for a holiday
07:36I know you were
07:37Your pharaoh has taken the name of the one true god, Artem
07:41I think you are mistaken, we have loads of gods
07:44Absolutely loads
07:45No
07:46Not anymore
07:47From this day forth, my kingdom will reject all of the old gods, like Ammon
07:52Oh
07:53And worship just one god
07:55Atan
07:56Uh
07:57God of the sun
07:58Uh-huh
07:59And worship of all the other gods is now banned
08:00Well how do the other gods feel about that?
08:02Look, it's perfectly simple
08:05We do not worship Ammon
08:08No, no, no
08:10We do not worship Ammon
08:13Ammon is an old god
08:16He's an old god
08:17We no longer like them
08:18We no longer like them
08:19We now worship the disc in the sky
08:21Pray to the disc in the sky
08:24His name is Atan and he is your new friend
08:28Sunshine
08:29You lead in this country or am I?
08:31I'm sorry my pharaoh, go on
08:33There's too many gods these days
08:36Don't really need them
08:38Thousands of them all the same
08:40Can't say I feel them
08:42Who needs loves when one's okay
08:45Come on everyone, let's hear you say
08:48We do not worship Ammon
08:50No, no, no
08:52We do not worship Ammon
08:56Don't need no priest, he'll only talk to me
09:00Atan
09:01He's such a great god, I write him poetry
09:04Atan
09:06His rays shine down upon our family
09:09Atan
09:10We do not worship Ammon
09:13No, no, no
09:15No, no
09:16Not a word about Ammon
09:19Shhh
09:20Any reference to Ammon
09:23Must go, go
09:24Atan's all you need to know
09:27Sorry, erm, what does this mean for holidays?
09:31Hey guys, it's your boy Irenachty here to tell you all about my job, aka the best job in the world
09:41Hashtag
09:42I love Mondays
09:43So I work with the pharaoh
09:46That's right, I get up close and personal with literal living gods
09:51Lush
09:53One of them even signed my arm
09:54How cool is that?
09:55Autographic, baby
09:57What's the best bit about a pharaoh?
09:59Their crown, their gold, their dangerously unlimited power
10:03No, it's their royal bums, of course
10:07And that's my job, I am the royal bottom doctor who gives enemas to pharaohs
10:12And I write
10:13Hashtag
10:14Life Girls
10:15What even is an enema?
10:17You know how generally with butts it's all bad stuff like poo coming out?
10:22Well enemas are when you put good stuff like medicine in!
10:26You put medicine up his bum
10:29My full title is Shepherd of the Butt
10:34That's roughly how it translates into English
10:36It's a tough job, but someone's gotta do it
10:39Now, let's look at the instruments us ancient Egyptian butt doctors used
10:44A tube made of bone, perfect for inserting into the royal rump
10:48As is this one, made of reed
10:50And this one, made of metal
10:54Now, attached to one end of the tube is a bag made of silk
10:57Or if you're feeling really fancy
10:59Ox bladder
11:00Sos oxes, I love you, but I need your bladder for my bottom pipes
11:04And then I fill the bag with a special blend of herbs and spices
11:09Secret blend!
11:10Which I will not reveal
11:12Mixed together with the finest ingredients
11:14Milk, beer, honey and wine
11:18Mm-hmm, it's good enough to eat
11:20But don't eat it
11:21Put it in the pharaoh's bum
11:24What are enemas even for?
11:26I hear you cry
11:27Well, what aren't they for?
11:28Feeling diseased?
11:29Get an enema
11:30Losing your hair?
11:31Get an enema
11:32Going grey?
11:33Get an enema
11:34Feeling like your spirit's all icky?
11:35Get an enema
11:36Getting bored of enemas?
11:37You better get an enema
11:39You know, some people call me a hero
11:41And I'm like, guys, I'm no hero
11:43I'm just a humble shepherd
11:45A shepherd of the butt
11:47Er...
11:48Mr Shepard
11:49My next appointment
11:50What are we thinking?
11:51I'll be honest
11:52It's a metal tube kind of a day
11:54I'll clear my schedule
11:56Best job in the world
11:59Wow!
12:00There's a long list of bad jobs in history
12:04But herdsman of the butt is at the bottom
12:06Literally!
12:08Obviously, being pharaoh is one of the best jobs
12:11But it could be dangerous
12:12As sometimes, pharaohs would have to lead their armies into battles
12:15Like the Battle of Kadesh
12:16Which was fought between the Egyptians of Ramesses II
12:19And the Hittites of King Hattushali III
12:21And it's one of the most famous battles of all time
12:25Neither side could win by fighting
12:27So they tried to make peace
12:29But that wasn't smooth sailing either
12:32Sorting out the beefs of the past
12:34I guess, you know, I'm not sure
12:36I'm not sure
12:37I'm not sure
12:38I'm not sure
12:39I'm not sure
12:40I don't care if it is a breathtaking monument
12:44You cannot build a sphinx without planning permission
12:47With the justice of today
12:49And honestly, half lion, half man
12:51Just pick one and stick to it next time
12:54Welcome to Time Beefs with Judge Rinder
13:00Ramesses II, third pharaoh of the 19th dynasty of Egypt
13:04Is in court to face the king of the Hittites, Hattushali III
13:07Over who triumphed at the Battle of Kadesh
13:09Okay, we all get it
13:11You're the heads of warring kingdoms
13:13You both want the same land
13:15You're about to fight a battle over it
13:17Am I right?
13:18You're way off, Rinder
13:19We actually just signed a peace treaty
13:21On these massive silver tablets
13:23Yeah, it's the earliest example of a written peace treaty, isn't it?
13:26We've even given each other presents
13:27And I'm also marrying his daughter
13:30What's happening, babes?
13:31I just don't buy it
13:33If you're so nicey-nicey to each other
13:35What on earth are you doing in my courtroom?
13:37Well, we've had a slight disagreement on my stunning victory
13:41At the Battle of Kadesh
13:42Where my armies completely destroyed that of his brothers
13:45What? My brother totally trashed your Egyptian forces
13:47But as is
13:48I admit, you lost
13:49No I didn't
13:50I admit it
13:51I admit it
13:52I admit it
13:53That's it
13:54I'm banning tablets from the courtroom
13:56Rameses, just give me your version of events
13:58Right, there I was
13:59All alone
14:00The Hittites
14:01I slaughtered them all at will
14:02What?
14:03What?
14:04What?
14:05Where that is?
14:06He's making it up
14:07You'll get your turn
14:08And their arms went limp
14:09So they couldn't shoot
14:10I made them plunge into the water like crocodiles
14:12You had way more casualties than us
14:14Well
14:15If I'm lying
14:16Then why is my version of events
14:18Written all over the Egyptian temples in Lotso
14:20Why is that then?
14:21Why is that?
14:22Because you put it there on the tablets
14:23You even sent me a copy, innit?
14:25Oh
14:26I wish I never said that my daughter could marry him
14:28She'd be better off with a hippo
14:29Hey, what?
14:30This is Battle of Kadesh part two, you know
14:32Come on then
14:33Okay
14:34Order
14:35Order
14:36Goodness me
14:37If this is the two of you at peace
14:38I'd hate to see the two of you at war
14:40You've signed a peace treaty
14:41Now honour it Hattushali
14:43Fine
14:44I promise to protect his nation, innit?
14:46Rameses?
14:47Yeah, yeah, I guess I promise to protect his nation too
14:49Well, thank you
14:50Even though mine is better than I won a Battle of Kadesh
14:52Right, there
14:54Order, order
14:55Bailiff all of this nonsense has given me a headache
14:57Please could you go find me a tablet
14:59All good
15:00All together
15:01Not that sort of tablet
15:02Although
15:03That would look rather good in my bathroom
15:05I'll be like a drum
15:06I'll be like a drum
15:07I'll be like a drum, man
15:08There you go
15:09Bonjour
15:10Bonjour
15:11I am Napoleon Bonaparte
15:12And in 1798
15:13I took 40,000 magnificent French soldiers to capture Egypt
15:17There we saw ancient wonders like the pyramids, the sphinx and the tombs of the pharaohs
15:23It was a land awash with history and treasure
15:26So, what present did my wife receive when I got back from the trip?
15:30Was it A, a jeweled scarab beetle necklace?
15:33B, a gold statue of Rameses II?
15:37Or C, a mummified head?
15:39The answer is C
15:42A mummified head
15:44Talk about a gift that money can't buy, am I right? Look how much funds this is
15:49I'm not going back in the sarcophagus
15:51You have to go back into the sarcophagus
15:53You can't make me, I'm going to kill my mummy
15:56Don't tell my mummy
15:57Don't be silly
15:58You are a mummy
15:59I should have got her flower else, shouldn't I?
16:05Fearful of an uprising
16:10Pharaoh Aprize has sent his special envoy, Potardomus
16:14To order the rebel leader Amasis to surrender immediately
16:18Amasis, you go too far
16:22How dare you lead this revolution against the true Egyptian pharaoh Aprize
16:28He will crush you and your army like the insects that you are
16:33Unless I can convince you to lay down your weapons and surrender
16:37Then, perhaps, he may be merciful
16:41I have but one message for your pharaoh
16:48What?
16:49Take that back to your pharaoh
16:51Sorry, take what back to my pharaoh?
16:53Oh, you want me to repeat myself? No problem
16:56You dare to pass wind in front of the representative of the pharaoh?
17:02Yeah
17:03Stop that
17:04No
17:05Stop it
17:06Stop
17:08Stop
17:09Stop
17:10Stop
17:11Please, if I do not return with you, the pharaoh
17:14The pharaoh will cut off my ears and cut off my nose for my failure
17:20I mean, that's probably for the best given how bad this one smells
17:23That does it
17:27You have made a powerful enemy today who will rain vengeance down on you like...
17:33Oh no, that one just reached me
17:35Oh, that is vile
17:37Oh, you're an animal
17:39You need to see someone
17:41Come
17:43We must move quickly
17:44I need to change my pants
17:52So, Mark Antony, tell me about this girl you're here to meet
17:54Yeah, she's pretty fit
17:56She's actually ruler of Egypt
17:58But nothing can happen between us
18:00She's Julius Caesar's ex
18:01And you know the saying
18:02Rose before pharaohs
18:03But she's beautiful, intelligent, funny, and...
18:06Oh, man, has she got a sweet ride
18:10Oh, that is one massive barge
18:17Oh no, now just stop this thing
18:20And it's quite difficult to park
18:23Hey there, Mark Antony
18:25Sorry I had to turn up in this tatty old boat
18:28Tatty?
18:29Your Majesty had us up all night working on it to impress the Romans
18:33Oh!
18:34Oh!
18:35It's okay
18:36I've got another one
18:37Your Majesty
18:38Why don't you come aboard my little boat?
18:42I'm okay
18:43Oh!
18:44Are those oars silver?
18:49Might be
18:50This barge smells amazing
18:52I mean, it'll make the whole dock smell good
18:54Which is handy because at the moment it smells of...
18:57Yes, well, I'm so glad you like your barge
19:00Not that I brought it here to impress you or anything
19:02But this deck is painted in gold
19:05Ooh, shiny
19:06So why did the big, important Roman general want to see little old me?
19:13Well, I was wondering if you'd be interested in some sort of alliance
19:17Oh, you want me to use me riches to make us a power couple so we can take over the entire world?
19:22What?
19:23Well, yeah, something like that
19:25Why don't you and me go for a sail in me golden barge and talk about this some more?
19:30Forward!
19:32Good times! Where are we going?
19:35We?
19:36It's okay, I've got another one
19:39Help! A fish stole my flute
19:43Whoa!
19:45Nothing lasts forever, not even pharaohs
19:50Cleopatra was one of the last
19:52And she famously had children with Roman Emperor Julius Caesar and Roman General Mark Antony
19:58After she and her children died, the title of Pharaoh was then actually also held by the Roman Emperor
20:04You'd think that would be a cushy little number
20:07But for Maximinus Daza, the last ever Roman Emperor Pharaoh, that wasn't quite the case
20:13Mm-mm-mm-mm
20:15It was covered in bread by the end of the day
20:20It was like bread, it was like a man made of bread
20:24Drink, please
20:26You okay down there?
20:28Yeah, yeah, all good
20:29What brings you to Tarsus?
20:31I'd really rather not say
20:33Right, I was only being friendly
20:35Just I really want to stay out of sight just in case people are looking for me because, er...
20:40In truth, I'm the Emperor of Rome, Maximinus Daza
20:45What would the Emperor of Rome be doing here in Tarsus?
20:50If he's the Emperor of Rome...
20:51Shh! Keep your voice down!
20:53I'm the Pharaoh of Egypt
20:54Hello, Pharaoh
20:56Well, actually, you can't be the Pharaoh of Egypt because I am also that as well
21:00Oh, of course he's the Pharaoh as well
21:02Just keep it down!
21:03Funny guy!
21:06Funny guy, look, it's very, very simple, okay?
21:09I am both the Emperor of Rome and the Pharaoh of Egypt, so...
21:12I mean, you don't dress very Egyptian for a Pharaoh!
21:16That's because I'm in hiding
21:18Anyway, Pharaoh hasn't actually come from Egypt for about 600 years
21:22Ooh, of course, silly horse
21:24Look, if you must know, the Persians took the title after they conquered Egypt
21:28Then the Greeks conquered the Persians
21:30Then after Cleopatra, they went to the Romans
21:32Right, and that's how you got it because you're the Emperor of Rome!
21:37Stop calling me the Emperor of Rome!
21:39Even though I am!
21:40You just don't want us to say that because you don't want everyone knowing you've been telling borky boys!
21:44No, it's because I was deposed by my fellow Emperor, Licinius Maximinus, and now his people are hunting for me!
21:50Listen, babes, if you want to go round the place telling people you're a Pharaoh slash Emperor, you carry on!
21:56I don't judge!
21:57So neither of you believe me? We're great!
21:59Great!
22:00Oh no, I'm sorry, babe!
22:01Hello, Caesar!
22:02What did I say to you? What did I say?
22:04Sorry!
22:05Hello, Caesar!
22:07We need to go, sire!
22:09Ah!
22:10Mister!
22:11Um, buddy!
22:12Don't touch me!
22:13Yeah!
22:14You shouldn't stay too long in one place!
22:15Yeah, yeah, yeah!
22:16We'll move on!
22:17We'll move on!
22:18Go!
22:19Go!
22:20Centurion as well, so believe people when they say thanks, yeah?
22:27On you as the Emperor?
22:28Yeah, I mean, I can spot a Pharaoh a mile off!
22:32Because I'm the King of Jermineu.
22:33Can I have a free drink?
22:35No.
22:37And that's the end of the Pharaohs!
22:39of the pharaohs. All we're really left with are the monuments they built and the treasures
22:44we found in their tombs. Things that were left with their mummified remains that the
22:48ancient Egyptians believed would help get them into the afterlife. Here are three of
22:53the greatest to tell us all about it.
22:56We all know we're heading to the valley of death. We want eternal life after our last breath.
23:13Cause I've been a pharaoh, got an imam on my head. But when we die, we need help from the
23:18book of the dead. It's a magic scroll of hymns to the sun god ray. To help us through the
23:23afterlife, there's many things we must say. Like I've never uttered lies, never been an
23:28eavesdropper. I have never raised my voice, lived my life so proper. Every text is different,
23:33written for each soul. But you know, in the end, we only got one goal. These rules will remind
23:39us once we cease to be, and help us live in peace for all eternity.
23:44Been waiting all our lives to get into Pharaoh's paradise. These words will be our guides to
23:52living in our Pharaoh's paradise.
24:01Spells are written on two walls, inside our mummy wrappings. Even in gold mass and other
24:06Pharaoh trappings. Cause getting into paradise, you know it ain't DC. Your heart is weighed against
24:12the feather, hope it ain't breezy. Then we all board a ferry, crossed a lily lake.
24:16To the field of reeds, the ferryman will take us. Then we'll meet our friends and our beloved
24:21pets. In the field of reeds, we'll have eternal rest, yeah. Yeah, death ain't nothing but a new
24:27form of living. So glad we got the book of the dead and the advice is given. I'm 18 now,
24:33but will I ever see 20? Though you better hurry with my book. Don't be slow, mm.
24:38Been waiting all our lives to get into Pharaoh's paradise. These words will be our guides to living
24:47in a Pharaoh's paradise. Been spending most our lives, avoiding dangerous crocodiles.
24:55Preparing all our lives for living in a Pharaoh's paradise.
25:02OMP for Pharaoh. I speaks, it's great. You smell like my nansetti. What we calling this?
25:12The past is no longer a mystery. Hope you enjoyed Horrible Histories.
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