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The Last Leg Season 33 Episode 11
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FunTranscript
00:00Thank you for letting us be ourselves
00:02So don't mind me if I repeat myself
00:04These simple lines be good for your health
00:06And keep them crime rhymes on the shelf
00:08Live my life like I just don't care
00:10Five thousand leaders never scared
00:12Rain and noise is the moment they fear
00:16Get up, you still appear from my death
00:18Get up, throw your hands in the hole
00:20Get up, and shit
00:22Get up, get up, get up, get up
00:26Get up, get up, get up, get up
00:28Finish wrapping the presents, sit back on the couch
00:36Then realise you forgot to buy batteries
00:38It's Christmas Eve and it's time for the last leg
00:42Tonight on the show
00:44We look at a prediction of Christmas future
00:46Look back on Christmas past
00:48And take a sneaky look at our Christmas presents
00:52Plus we'll be joined by presenter Alison Hammond
00:54Comedian Harry Hill and music legend Rick Astley
00:56On the show that's always a Christmas die hard
01:08G'day, I'm Adam Hills
01:10Welcome to The Last Leg
01:12The show that wonders if King Charles' speech
01:14Is going to get one less viewer this year
01:16With fears always of the pride of Huddersfield
01:18Alex Brooker and the man who turned on the Christmas lights
01:20In Exeter this year but only in his own house
01:22Josh Whittacombe
01:30Happy Christmas Eve everybody
01:32Every year we dress up there's something ridiculous for Christmas
01:34I of course am Tom Hanks from the Polar Express
01:38There you go
01:40Thank you
01:42It's not bad
01:44You're such a fan of the film that you've called the character Tom Hanks
01:46Oh
01:48You look like you're about to strip
01:52That is a different type of Polar Express
01:56I went with Polar Express because it's my favourite Tom Hanks film
02:00Yeah
02:02Actually it's my second favourite but Philadelphia didn't feel appropriate
02:04Josh
02:06Merry Christmas
02:08Josh would you like to explain who you're dressed as?
02:10Oh I didn't get the memo I didn't know it was fancy dress
02:12No I've come as
02:14I'll stand up for this
02:16I've come as Francis Rossi from the Band-Aid video
02:20I'm not saying I've run out of ideas
02:24I look like Michael Portillo
02:26I am
02:28You look like someone who's been caught at Heathrow trying to smuggle in illegal reptiles
02:32I'm not saying I've run out of ideas
02:34I look like Michael Portillo
02:36I am
02:38You look like someone who's been caught at Heathrow trying to smuggle in illegal reptiles
02:40Well, I've certainly got a snake in these tight trousers, I don't know.
02:47Hey!
02:49Um, Alex, do you want to explain what's going on there?
02:52Yeah, I'm Tim Allen, in the Santa Claus.
02:55Santa's just fallen off my roof and I've just put the jacket on, so...
02:58Yeah, and also, I'll tell you what, it's comfy in it.
03:01I'll tell you what, your snake will be all right in these pyjama bottoms, mate, honestly.
03:04This is the comfiest I've ever been.
03:06I'm not going to say you've not gone too much effort,
03:08but compared to the two of us...
03:09Wearing, literally, slippers, pyjamas and just you put on a Santa...
03:14Yeah, I know.
03:15I think these are comfy slippers.
03:17I can only feel the one, but I think...
03:20Um, all right, the big story, of course, is Christmas!
03:25And it's the story Alex has been most excited about all year.
03:28So let's start with this.
03:29Is it OK that Alex interrupted a last leg meeting this year
03:32to have his Christmas tree delivered?
03:35OK, is it OK he did that in October?
03:39Well, here's another is it OK for you.
03:43Is it OK that it's a 13-foot tree?
03:47That is... I know, that's 12 more feet than Alex has.
03:50LAUGHTER
03:54Let's see, here's a photo of it arriving.
03:56LAUGHTER
03:57Just so you know, Alex took the tree out,
03:59and then once that was done,
04:00Alex's wife put all her belongings in there and there.
04:03LAUGHTER
04:05Here's the photo of the tree once it was up and running.
04:09Dude, it's so...
04:10What the fuck is that now?
04:11It looks like, you know those North Korean marches
04:14where they have the missiles?
04:16LAUGHTER
04:17Honestly, it's so big that's an actual star on top of it.
04:21LAUGHTER
04:22Is it a real tree? It's not a real tree.
04:24Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
04:25No, so even your Christmas tree's prosthetic.
04:27LAUGHTER
04:29APPLAUSE
04:31And, look, knowing how much you love Christmas,
04:36I would imagine the ads you get on your phone
04:39are different to the ads I get on my phone.
04:41Oh, mate, I mean, the algorithm on Instagram...
04:43Mm.
04:44I start getting loads of these, like, Christmas...
04:46like, leery Christmas suits and outfits.
04:49Right.
04:50Maybe because I was talking about Christmas jumpers.
04:52That's all my algorithm, it's just Christmas suits.
04:54Yeah, we've got some of the garish images Alex has been getting.
04:57Check these out.
04:58The thing with it is, you two complain a lot, you know,
05:00about your disabilities, but that guy in the suit,
05:03he hasn't got a head.
05:05LAUGHTER
05:07It looks like...
05:09I'd say that's far away.
05:11At the Paralympics, you're in the toughest category.
05:14LAUGHTER
05:15Yeah, especially if it's a dead heat in the sprinting.
05:18LAUGHTER
05:21The suit, I love the suit.
05:23It looks like the kind of suit Santa would wear to court.
05:26LAUGHTER
05:27You know what I mean?
05:28Like, if Santa turned up in the Epstein files.
05:30LAUGHTER
05:31Oh, no, Santa's not...
05:32Obviously, Santa's not in the Epstein files.
05:34Obviously.
05:35Cos we all know Santa makes the list and checks it twice.
05:38LAUGHTER
05:40I reckon...
05:41Pausing for an edit...
05:42LAUGHTER
05:44I think nothing says Christmas Eve more than Philadelphia
05:55and the Epstein files.
05:57LAUGHTER
05:58I reckon if you can encapsulate Alex's algorithm into one image,
06:02it would be this.
06:03Declan Rice, dressed as Santa, drinking a frosé with Big John.
06:06LAUGHTER
06:07That is...
06:08That's Alex's...
06:09I'm assuming that's your default setting when you blank out
06:11during a meeting.
06:12LAUGHTER
06:13Is it true you want a dash cam for Christmas?
06:15Yeah, I do.
06:16Yeah, I genuinely do.
06:17I've got banged...
06:18So, I've got banged into, um, dash cam footage.
06:21That's the other thing my algorithm is jumping up.
06:22What do you mean?
06:23So, like, I've got really into, like, watching these videos
06:26of, like, just people having near misses.
06:28But the one I've been getting into most
06:30is a geezer called Big Jobber, who basically...
06:33Wait, what, what, what, what?
06:34His name's Big Jobber and basically what he does is...
06:36I'm going to say it, Hilsie,
06:37when Brooker searched Big Jobber,
06:38he wasn't looking for a dash cam footage.
06:40LAUGHTER
06:42He...
06:44He assesses, like, the insurance library,
06:47who's at fault for the crash,
06:48based on the dash cam footage.
06:50Are you OK?
06:51I think I'm having, like,
06:53the most boring midlife crisis of all time.
06:57But I really want a dash cam.
06:59We've got a very special treat for Alex tonight.
07:01So, we've been following Santa on his radar tonight.
07:03Oh, OK.
07:04So, we're going to check in to see where he is right now.
07:06Have a look at this on the map.
07:07He...
07:08Now, that seems to be Huddersfield,
07:10which is where you live, Alex.
07:12Yeah.
07:13He seems to be stuck there.
07:14Um, let's go to Santa's dash cam,
07:16or as he calls it, dasher cam,
07:18to see what's happening.
07:24Gosh!
07:25What arsehole put up a 12 foot three?
07:28I hope they don't breathalise me.
07:30I've had 83 million sherries.
07:32Here's your froze machine, you prick.
07:35LAUGHTER
07:40Now, one AI generator reimagined Santa over the decades,
07:44showing how, and this is a quote,
07:46beloved figures can evolve alongside society's progress.
07:49Here is its revealing timeline of Santas.
07:52Let's go through them one by one.
07:54Here's 1960s Santa.
07:55Textbook.
07:56Classic.
07:57Classic Santa.
07:58Coca-Cola Santa.
07:59No issue with that, yeah.
08:00Yep.
08:011970s Santa.
08:02Ooh.
08:03I've...
08:04I'm not letting my kids sit on his knee.
08:07LAUGHTER
08:09Let's look at 1980s Santa.
08:11Wow.
08:12He's been lifting his sack, eh?
08:14No wonder Mummy was kissing Santa Claus.
08:17Look at that guy.
08:18I mean, that'll leave her Saint Nicholas.
08:21LAUGHTER
08:23LAUGHTER
08:24All right, let's...
08:25LAUGHTER
08:27Just having to just go,
08:28Oh, dear!
08:29LAUGHTER
08:31That, for me, do you know what?
08:32I'm not...
08:33It's gonna...
08:34It's ruined Christmas.
08:35LAUGHTER
08:36And that's a guy who was fine with the Epstein joke.
08:37LAUGHTER
08:38Uh, 2010s Santa?
08:39Couldn't give a shit, could I?
08:40No.
08:41LAUGHTER
08:422030s?
08:43Well, I tell you what,
08:44JK Rowling's not gonna be happy from 2030s.
08:45LAUGHTER
08:46LAUGHTER
08:47Oh, dear.
08:48Oh, dear.
08:49That, for me,
08:50do you know what,
08:51I'm not...
08:52It's gonna...
08:53It's ruined Christmas.
08:54LAUGHTER
08:55And that's a guy who was fine with the Epstein joke.
08:56LAUGHTER
09:01Look, there's one in the audience!
09:06LAUGHTER
09:07How did that happen?
09:09LAUGHTER
09:14Mate!
09:15It's the one fucking night you were!
09:17LAUGHTER
09:19I'm not so sure about 2050s Santa.
09:21I mean, no...
09:22I mean, he looks like he's gonna shoot the Naughty Boys again.
09:25LAUGHTER
09:26And look, as Santa faces an AI future,
09:28so does the art of gift-giving.
09:29Because surveys have found
09:30that a lot of people are using generative AI
09:32for present ideas.
09:33I love the idea that tomorrow
09:35there's gonna be men everywhere
09:37blaming AI for misjudged gives
09:39for their other halves.
09:40LAUGHTER
09:41It's just going...
09:42I mean...
09:43Jack GPT just said anal beads,
09:44I don't even know why!
09:46LAUGHTER
09:47Like, the technology's just not...
09:49It's just not right.
09:50By the way, love, do us a favour,
09:51can you quickly ring your mum
09:52and tell her not to open her?
09:53LAUGHTER
09:54LAUGHTER
09:55So, we've decided to use AI tonight
10:00to choose our presents for each other.
10:02And to deliver them,
10:03would you please welcome
10:04all the way from the future...
10:05Robot Santa!
10:07LAUGHTER
10:08I mean, the technology in the future is amazing, isn't it?
10:24LAUGHTER
10:25I tell you what,
10:26the robot's improved more than the trolley, hasn't it?
10:29LAUGHTER
10:30It's not often I get to say this about other people, but you do walk a bit funny, don't you?
10:42Can the robot do the Vs towards Alex?
10:48Alright, so we started by asking AI the question, what is a good Christmas present for Alex Brooker?
10:52Now, once we explain who Alex Brooker was
10:54It suggested a personalised Arsenal jersey. Yes, please. Could you please bring the presents over?
11:08Do you know what? Yeah, RADA is fucking good, isn't it?
11:20Four years of debt for this
11:24Thank you very much. Do you think that's yours?
11:26It's good to have Daniel Day-Lewis back in the game, isn't it?
11:30Oh, wow. Unbelievable. No, back a bit, there we go.
11:34Oh, there we go. Thank you. Thank you, Robot Santa.
11:41They said, do you know what? When they said Greg Wallace would never be back on TV...
11:44LAUGHTER
11:56So I started out by asking AI what to get for Alex. Yes.
12:00And it said, a personalised Arsenal jersey. Am I allowed to open it?
12:03You are allowed to open it. Oh, wow.
12:05So we've got you an Arsenal jersey and on the back we've got the picture of you, uh,
12:10with Declan Rice and Big John drinking the Frosé.
12:12Oh, yes, please. Merry Christmas.
12:18I love this robot. He did a little, he did a little happy dance when it was good.
12:22So when I asked...
12:26How is the robot funnier than all of us?
12:28LAUGHTER
12:29This is the future, Josh.
12:30LAUGHTER
12:32So when I asked AI what to get Josh, it said, uh, something that balances his sober lifestyle,
12:39his love of home, his writing work and his comedic vibe.
12:42Oh, that's genuinely nice.
12:44It said, a premium tea gift set and notebook combo with a personal note.
12:50So it's an AI wrote the note. This is a personal note.
12:53For when you fancy putting the catalogue... I genuinely like this.
12:57For when you fancy putting the catalogue and jamming down those five-minute observations.
13:02LAUGHTER
13:03This is the great thing. It also added, uh, Josh is an observational comedian
13:08who focuses on the minutiae of everyday life rather than big topical issues.
13:13LAUGHTER
13:15I think anyone who's seen me trying to walk around the news on this show would agree with that.
13:19LAUGHTER
13:21And so what did, what did AI suggest for me?
13:23Well, AI, they got, so basically they said, something that was tied to your interest in
13:28disability awareness and sport but more importantly, a high quality item that acknowledges that part
13:33of his life but not in a pitying way. They wanted us to give you something empowering.
13:38Not in a pitying way. No, so we didn't want to get you any sort of, any sort of present that would
13:42kind of sound, um, pitying at all. OK. So we've got you, uh, a book. You have got me a book.
13:48Which is called, um, The Little Disabled Engine That Could.
13:51LAUGHTER
13:57Thank you so much, boys. I can add that to my collection along with C-Spot Limp.
14:00LAUGHTER
14:02And, oh, the places you'll park. LAUGHTER
14:05And can we also have, uh, a big thank you to, uh, Robot Santa!
14:09CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
14:11Uh, now, Christmas telly is also changing. There's a reality series on Hallmark this year
14:19called Finding Mr Christmas. Uh, the TV show focuses on ten aspiring actors who compete for
14:25the chance to be the next leading man in a Hallmark Christmas film. Here is the cheesy trailer for
14:31the wholesome reality series.
14:33Boy, do I have an early holiday gift for you. We are back for season two with an all-new group of
14:39hunks and festive face-offs. Check out this sneak peek. It's a huge house. I'm down to stay here for a
14:45while. What's up, guys? What's up, fellas? What's up, Angel?
14:48Dude, it's so epic. Dude, we got the trust circle going on already.
14:55I don't trust that trust circle.
14:57LAUGHTER
14:59Have you seen Finding Mr Easter? It's a bit bleaker because the winner gets nailed to a cross.
15:03LAUGHTER
15:11Now, throughout the show...
15:14Oh, are you...
15:15LAUGHTER
15:16Sorry, it's status quo too edgy for you.
15:18It's... Obviously, you're just... Everything you say with that ponytail.
15:23LAUGHTER
15:25Now, throughout the show, this Finding Mr Christmas...
15:27Did you just get a cut away of my fucking pony?
15:29LAUGHTER
15:31We've never used that camera angle in 15 years!
15:34LAUGHTER
15:36That's not one of our angles!
15:37LAUGHTER
15:38Where's that? I don't even know where that camera is!
15:41LAUGHTER
15:42Throughout Finding Mr Christmas, the actors had to complete a series of challenges, including gift wrapping,
15:47untangling Christmas lights and acting in a scene, but we think they missed a trick.
15:52Because we've got our own Mr Christmas here, Alex Brooker.
15:55I don't know why they didn't cast him, right?
15:57100%, mate.
15:58Yep.
15:59So, throughout the show tonight, we're going to set Alex a series of Christmassy tasks,
16:02and he's going to do the first one now.
16:04We need you to head over there, please, Alex.
16:06OK, I didn't... Oh, all right.
16:07Are you ready? Are you ready?
16:08APPLAUSE
16:13It's based on this festive challenge.
16:16LAUGHTER
16:18Remember, guys, presentation is important, but your personality and star quality are always on Santa's radar.
16:25Ooh!
16:26So give us your best runway walks and slay!
16:29Yeah!
16:31Wait, you're up first.
16:33Ooh!
16:34Ooh!
16:35Ooh!
16:36Ooh!
16:37Ooh!
16:38Ooh!
16:39Ooh!
16:40OK, hello!
16:41Melissa, I don't want you to get too close to this fire.
16:43Sugar melts.
16:44Ooh!
16:45Ooh!
16:46Ooh!
16:47Wow!
16:48Ooh!
16:52So, it's time for Alex to take on the Mr Christmas catwalk challenge.
16:57Alex, I want some strut with a Goodwill to All Men vibe.
17:01LAUGHTER
17:02CHEERING
17:06LAUGHTER
17:07LAUGHTER
17:12LAUGHTER
17:14LAUGHTER
17:18Uh, genuinely, by the way, don't get too close to me, cos I think this is flammable as fuck.
17:24LAUGHTER
17:26Alex, you're through to the next round.
17:28LAUGHTER
17:29All right, let's welcome tonight's guests.
17:36They're Bake Off royalty, which means much like real royalty,
17:39they're both inbred.
17:40Please welcome Alison Hammond and comedian Harry Hill.
17:43CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
17:45I don't believe it, Francis Rossi and Tim Allen.
18:06And Bernard Cribbins from the Railway Church.
18:09Now, Alison has already received the best gift of all a few weeks ago
18:17when Prince Harry lip-synced to one of your exchanges from Bake Off.
18:22I thought I was dreaming when I saw that.
18:23So here's the perfectly timed clip with Stephen Colbert.
18:27If you was treated like a king for the day,
18:29what would you want me to do for you?
18:31Um, beck for me, probably.
18:33You'd want me to do what?
18:35Beg.
18:36Beg?
18:36Beg?
18:38Beck.
18:38Beg?
18:39Beg?
18:39Beg?
18:40Beg?
18:40Beg?
18:41Beg?
18:42Beg?
18:42Oh, Beg?
18:43LAUGHTER
18:44APPLAUSE
18:46What a weird moment.
18:51Crazy.
18:52I mean, someone's like, oh, my God, me and Prince Harry are connected now.
18:57You're totally like that.
18:58You know what I mean? We're tight.
18:59Yeah.
18:59I mean, how can I be humble now?
19:01Do you know what I mean?
19:01LAUGHTER
19:02Does it make me kind of like royalty now?
19:05Like, am I a princess?
19:07Am I?
19:07Yeah, but it does appear that Prince Harry has got a lot of time on his hands now.
19:12LAUGHTER
19:13LAUGHTER
19:14LAUGHTER
19:14APPLAUSE
19:15Do you reckon?
19:17APPLAUSE
19:18LAUGHTER
19:19Harry, what are your Christmas traditions?
19:24Um, well, we always, what we do with the TV, when we have the Christmas lunch, and then we have, we've got one of those TVs that you can bring round, you know, it comes, you can angle it round.
19:37Yeah.
19:39And so we bring it round so that it's across the other side of the table, and then we have the King's speech on there.
19:45So it's like he's joining us.
19:47LAUGHTER
19:48LAUGHTER
19:49And look, we talked about Alex's 13-foot tree in his garden, anything special in your garden this Christmas?
20:02Oh, er, well, we've got robins actually nesting.
20:05Yeah, I know, we put up a nesting box last year, and we've got some, actually some baby robins in there now, yeah, and I've actually got a camera, you know, one of those little tiny cameras?
20:18Oh, yeah, yeah.
20:19Yeah.
20:20It's got a bird watch.
20:21Yeah, with like a live feed.
20:22Yeah.
20:23Erm, could we see that, or...?
20:24We have got it, yes, yes, we can, yes, we can, let's see the live feed of your...
20:28There's a little robbing in there this morning.
20:29Oh, that's so lovely.
20:30But, erm...
20:31LAUGHTER
20:32LAUGHTER
20:33LAUGHTER
20:34LAUGHTER
20:36LAUGHTER
20:37LAUGHTER
20:38APPLAUSE
20:39LAUGHTER
20:40Oh!
20:41LAUGHTER
20:42LAUGHTER
20:43LAUGHTER
20:44That's really upsetting.
20:45LAUGHTER
20:46Talk about a live feed.
20:48Me!
20:49LAUGHTER
20:50LAUGHTER
20:51All right, we'll have more last week for you after the break.
20:53as we chat to Rick Astley and find out which one of our guests had a crush on him as a teenager.
20:58See you in a little bit.
20:59APPLAUSE
21:02LAUGHTER
21:03APPLAUSE
21:04LAUGHTER
21:06APPLAUSE
21:09LAUGHTER
21:10APPLAUSE
21:14APPLAUSE
21:16LAUGHTER
21:18Welcome back to The Last Leg.
21:19We're joined by Alison Hammond and Harry Hill.
21:22Alex is starting to change like Tim Allen in, er...
21:27I'm not.
21:28Are you not?
21:29Are you not?
21:30No, I'm not, mate.
21:31I don't think that's how you looked in the last part.
21:33That's the same, mate.
21:34OK.
21:35All right, Josh, do you want to explain what's going on with you?
21:38I'm going through the Band-Aid video.
21:40LAUGHTER
21:41I, er...
21:42I, er...
21:43I didn't...
21:44I didn't know Hanson were in Band-Aid.
21:45LAUGHTER
21:46Handsome?
21:47LAUGHTER
21:48I can't hear much, by the way.
21:50LAUGHTER
21:51I'm Sting from Band-Aid.
21:52Look at that.
21:53LAUGHTER
21:54Amazing.
21:55Bang on.
21:56I can't hear anything.
21:57LAUGHTER
21:58I'm getting Gail Tilsley off-coller.
22:01LAUGHTER
22:02Anyone else getting that?
22:04APPLAUSE
22:05I'm getting...
22:07I'm getting Gail Tilsley and Paul Hollywood.
22:09LAUGHTER
22:11And, obviously, I'm now Tom Hanks as Woody from Toy Story.
22:15Oh, yes.
22:16Oh, yeah.
22:17Because the final scene of Toy Story is when they all become friends at Christmas.
22:20Yes.
22:21Aw.
22:22Time now to welcome another guest to the Last League Christmas celebration.
22:24He's a soul singer whose songs may be the one thing your family doesn't fight over this
22:28Christmas.
22:29Please welcome...
22:30Rick Astley!
22:31CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
22:34Welcome to the party, Rick.
22:54What are your Christmas traditions?
22:56Eating and drinking, I think, pretty much.
22:59Yes!
23:00My wife is Danish and we have quite a lot of Scandinavian traditions.
23:03Bacon?
23:04Yeah, a lot of bacon, actually.
23:06LAUGHTER
23:07Yeah, yeah.
23:08But also, they celebrate on the eve, on the 24th.
23:12Yes.
23:13So we've got into that habit over the years of doing that.
23:15Well, I'm very sorry that you're here tonight on Christmas Eve.
23:18I know.
23:19Exactly.
23:20I'm straight back there after this.
23:23If there's anything left, I'll be, you know, lovely.
23:26LAUGHTER
23:27So, to be honest, tomorrow is a bit like our Boxing Day, to be honest.
23:31Right.
23:32A bit more chill and, you know, so...
23:33Yep.
23:34Yeah.
23:35Now, we asked AI to suggest a present for you.
23:37I can't wait.
23:38OK.
23:39LAUGHTER
23:40It said maybe a rare vinyl copy of something like The Smiths.
23:44Yeah.
23:45Because you did a show of Smith songs at Glastonbury.
23:47Indeed I did.
23:48Which, yeah, you saw it and one of our team was there
23:51and captured the joy Josh felt as he watched you perform.
23:54This is genuine footage.
23:56Yeah.
23:57Backing on the streets of Birmingham, I wander to myself.
24:03Will I barely sail again?
24:07With each side street and you sit down, I wander to myself.
24:13APPLAUSE
24:15What am I?
24:16One of the best hours of my life.
24:20And watching that video, this is going to blow your mind.
24:23That was after I stopped drinking.
24:25LAUGHTER
24:26Right.
24:27OK.
24:28Harry, you share Rick's love of Morrissey's music.
24:31Uh...
24:32His music?
24:33Yeah, not so much.
24:34LAUGHTER
24:37But you...
24:38Don't talk about that, do we?
24:40You performed as Morrissey?
24:42I was...
24:43I did Morrissey in Stars in there.
24:44I...
24:45I remember it.
24:46We have a dazzling clip of the enthusiastic performance
24:48from the turn of the millennium.
24:50APPLAUSE
24:51Morrissey!
24:52APPLAUSE
24:53MUSIC PLAYS
25:03Functured bicycle
25:05Right on the side of the road
25:10Won't let you make a man of me, yeah
25:16When in this charming car
25:20This charming car
25:23He's come off by.
25:24APPLAUSE
25:25Very good.
25:26So good.
25:28Have you ever met Morrissey?
25:29I haven't met Morrissey, but part of it was you had to get permission.
25:33So I had to get permission from Morrissey to impersonate him.
25:36There was a...
25:37Or to do that song.
25:38And I got a fax through, in the old days of faxes,
25:41and it was signed by Morrissey saying,
25:44Good luck, Morrissey.
25:46And so I thought, oh, so Morrissey's on the other end of this number,
25:49because the number is there.
25:51I thought, well, I'll...
25:52And I had this idea, so I sent him a fax back saying,
25:55how about you and me do a novelty single for Christmas,
25:59our version of Little Donkey.
26:01Wow.
26:02But I never...
26:03Never heard back.
26:04I mean, you've got your own quiff.
26:08I have.
26:09I have to wear an artificial one.
26:10But if you liked, I could...
26:12Would you like me to reprise the...
26:14Yes!
26:15Yes, yes, yes.
26:16Have you got them?
26:17Yes.
26:18I don't know.
26:19I'm not feeling it.
26:20Come on!
26:21CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
26:23What a showman.
26:26He knows how to get the crowd going.
26:30Here we go.
26:31Here we go.
26:32CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
26:34Yeah.
26:35Lovely.
26:36Which...
26:37It's uncanny.
26:38LAUGHTER
26:39Little donkey.
26:41Little donkey.
26:43On a dusty road.
26:46Gotta keep on...
26:48Flooding onwards.
26:50With your head...
26:51CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
26:53APPLAUSE
26:54Brilliant.
26:55Oh, mercy, everyone.
26:56Oh, mercy.
26:57Merry Christmas.
26:58So good.
26:59Alison, is it true you had a teenage crush on Rick?
27:01Well, it's not the sort of place I would, like,
27:03probably admit it, with Rick literally sitting there.
27:04But he already knows.
27:05We've met quite a few times.
27:06Yeah, haven't you?
27:07And now I'm quite cool with it.
27:08Are you?
27:09Like, I'm all right.
27:10Yeah, I'm totally cool with, like...
27:11Like, I'm all right.
27:12Are you?
27:13I'm totally cool with, like...
27:14Like, I'm all right.
27:15I'm all right.
27:16Yeah, I'm totally cool with, like...
27:17I'm all right.
27:18Yeah, I'm all right.
27:19Yeah, I'm all right.
27:20Like, I'm all right.
27:21I'm totally cool with, like, being in the...
27:23As long as Harry's sat between us.
27:24Oh, yeah, exactly.
27:25So, Alison, just to clarify your story,
27:29you used to fancy Rick Astley.
27:31No, it's not more.
27:32Then you met him, and now it's gone away.
27:34Not at all, Josh.
27:36Obviously, I've still got feelings, but there is, like, you know...
27:39Have you?
27:40Do you want to expand on that?
27:42Listen, I'm not saying...
27:44There's a wife.
27:45There's a wife.
27:46There's a wife.
27:47I feel like I'm...
27:49I feel like I'm...
27:50I'm the gooseberry.
27:51Come on, Harry.
27:52Come on, Harry.
27:53Come on, Harry.
27:54Get there.
27:55Oh, no!
27:56I don't know when I'm that wanted.
28:00Listen...
28:06Obviously, I was a lot younger than I am now,
28:08and, obviously, I still get the same feelings.
28:11I'm going to say it.
28:13There's a chance you're going to be Rick Rolled.
28:15Come back, Harry.
28:16Come back, Harry.
28:17Come back, Harry.
28:18Come back, Harry.
28:19Come back, Harry.
28:20Come back, Harry.
28:22Alison, on the very night that his wife is celebrating Christmas.
28:25Harry!
28:26Well, she's not here, is she?
28:27Miss her.
28:28Just out of interest, Rick, where can Alison see you perform next year?
28:29Yeah.
28:30Um, here, there and everywhere.
28:31We're on tour in April.
28:32Um, which...
28:33Are we?
28:34Yes, we're all on tour.
28:35Um, short notice.
28:36Yeah.
28:37So, um, yes.
28:38We can't wait.
28:39We can't wait.
28:40We're looking forward to it.
28:41And now, Harry, you and Alison both host different versions of Bake Off, but you have brought
28:57your own showstopper to the show tonight.
28:59Yeah, I've got to go back there again.
29:01Go on.
29:02Well, I just think, you know, um, people forget, um, what Christmas is really about.
29:09Yeah.
29:10And what they concentrate on is the food.
29:12You know, it's all about the food.
29:14Mm.
29:15So, what I've done is I've done a, um, my own savoury nativity, um...
29:21Brussels!
29:22I love it.
29:23Which I've made.
29:25Which I've made myself.
29:27And what...
29:28I'm just trying to get the message of Christmas through...
29:31LAUGHTER
29:32Through...
29:33Through food.
29:34Smells lovely.
29:36And...
29:37Do you want me to talk you through it?
29:39Yeah.
29:40So, these are frazzles on the roof of the, uh...
29:43LAUGHTER
29:44That's the...
29:45It's a pond bear.
29:46LAUGHTER
29:47As...
29:48As the angel Gabriel.
29:49LAUGHTER
29:50And then we have the three kings here, which I...
29:53I made from pepper armies, cos they're spicy, a bit more exotic.
29:57LAUGHTER
29:58You've got the two sausages here, Joseph and Mary.
30:02Obviously, Joseph is a bit taller than Mary.
30:04LAUGHTER
30:05Yeah.
30:06And then you've got the star of the show, the baby Jesus,
30:10which is a pig in blanket, and there's the...
30:13LAUGHTER
30:15I don't mean that in a sort of negative...
30:17LAUGHTER
30:19I don't want any trouble.
30:21LAUGHTER
30:22And then you've got the manger made out of chip sticks.
30:24They're nice.
30:25Mm-hm.
30:26And then you've got the...
30:27You've got the halo there.
30:28LAUGHTER
30:29So that's just something that perhaps people could, you know,
30:31make their own tradition now.
30:33LAUGHTER
30:34The savoury nativity.
30:35Would you like to...?
30:36Have you got it in kit form?
30:37Right.
30:38Do you, like, sell it in a kit?
30:39Could you...?
30:40It's about 12 quid.
30:41LAUGHTER
30:42I mean, the slight problem with it is, to secure the sausages,
30:45you do have to use, um, screws.
30:48LAUGHTER
30:49We're going to have more last link for you after the break,
30:53as Alex performs a Hallmark Christmas scene
30:55we've written just for tonight,
30:57but right now, Rick Astley is going to perform
31:00his first Christmas hit of the night.
31:02Before he does, though,
31:03we've talked a lot about Alex's love of Christmas,
31:05but Lib Dem leader Ed Davey revealed in an interview this year
31:08that he listens to Christmas tunes all year round.
31:11Wow.
31:12How do we feel about that? Is that all right?
31:14Oh, but...
31:15But isn't his birthday on Christmas Day?
31:17That's the reason, isn't it?
31:18I think his birthday's on Christmas Day,
31:20so that's probably one of the reasons why it means a lot to him.
31:23Yeah, cos otherwise it'd just be fucking weird.
31:25LAUGHTER
31:37Well, he's going to make the next bit awkward.
31:40Rick is going to play us into the break,
31:42but who better to introduce him
31:43than the leader of the Lib Dems...
31:46LAUGHTER
31:47Come on!
31:48..so, Ed Davey!
31:49LAUGHTER
31:51Hi, guys, it's Ed Davey here.
31:53Merry Christmas to you all.
31:55It's true, I like listening to Christmas music all year round.
31:59The reason is, my daughter and I love winding up her mum,
32:03and it's on my iPhone and we play it in the car all the time.
32:07Erm, I'm never going to give up Christmas,
32:10so here's Rick Astley.
32:11APPLAUSE
32:12Sleigh bells ring, are you listening?
32:25In the lane, snow is glistening.
32:29Beautiful sight, we're happy tonight.
32:33Walking in a winter wonderland.
32:36But later on, we'll conspire
32:40As we dream by the fire
32:44To face unafraid
32:46The plans that we've made
32:48Walking in a winter wonderland.
32:51Come on, bro, let's go!
32:53To the top beat, let's go!
32:55To the top beat, let's go!
32:56To the top beat, let's go!
32:57MUSIC PLAYS
33:18Welcome back to Last Leg. We're joined by Alison Hammond and Harry Hill. Alex, you're
33:35definitely changing. I feel a little bit more Christmassy at the moment. Do you? I'm feeling
33:40it a little bit different at the moment, but... You're definitely progressing. No, I haven't.
33:46OK. Josh, would you like to explain who you are now? No, I'm from the Band-Aid video.
33:52So I'm Sarah Dallin from Bananarama, of course. Look at these jeans. They're fucking brilliant.
34:06It ain't what I do, it's the way that I do it. We've always said it. And obviously, I'm
34:10Tom Hanks in the movie Forrest Gump, because he famously said life is like a box of chocolates
34:15and the main time you get chocolates is at Christmas. You still look a bit like you're
34:21going to strip. Yeah, Forrest Hump. And now, throughout the show, we've been putting Alex
34:28through his paces to see how he'd fare on the US reality series Finding Mr Christmas. The
34:33winner of the first series, by the way, earned a leading role in a holiday movie about the
34:37owner of a Seattle dog shelter who falls for a meticulous webpage editor. The movie was
34:43called Happy Howlidays. See what you did there. See what they did there. Love it.
34:49All right, I'm going to send everyone, if you could all go over and get ready for the next
34:52challenge for Alex, please, over in that corner of the studio. So Alex's final challenge tonight
34:58is to test out his acting chops in a scene we've written as the ultimate hallmark Christmas movie.
35:04Lights, camera, Christmas.
35:11Help! Help, I need an emergency appointment. Oh my God, it's Alison Hammond, the big city TV presenter.
35:21That's right. I've become so career focused, I've lost touch with what's important in life.
35:27I'm single and I'm home for the holidays. And? And I've hit a dog. Thank you. Oh my God, what happened?
35:52I'll tell you what happened. It's quite difficult to talk because it's really tight on the jaw.
35:58At least do a dog voice.
36:07I'll tell you what happened. That's better. Yeah, is that better? That's better.
36:11I was just sitting there by the side of the road licking my own balls and she came round the corner like a lunatic and hit me.
36:18Is that really? Yeah, but he's such a cutie. I've really fallen for him.
36:22Is there anyone here who can treat him? I can't let him die. I'm the presenter of For the Love of Dogs.
36:29Of course, Miss Hammond. Do you know what? The hot vet will see you now. Oh.
36:33But I'm next. I'm sorry, Mr. Hill. Your cat's going to have to wait.
36:37It's not the cat I'm worried about. It's the Robins.
36:49I'm afraid Miss Hammond is next. But I'm on the telly. I know, but not as much as Alison.
36:54No one's on the telly as much as Alison.
36:56The hot vet will see you now.
37:05Somebody order a dream boat.
37:08Are you the hot vet?
37:09Yes. I'm sweating buckets. Do you know how hard it is to operate with these little hands?
37:14You look like a man who could really heal my heart. I mean dog.
37:18What kind of dog is it? I don't know. One of those really little whiny ones by the looks of it.
37:23I'll tell you what. Why don't you come back to my charming little cottage and have Christmas with me and my children?
37:31They've been missing a mother figure in their life ever since my wife died in a tragic Christmas kite accident.
37:37Oh.
37:39Yeah, and then we could go back to the big city and maybe you could become the resident vet on This Morning.
37:45Bosh!
37:46There you go, little fella. Get that on there, boy.
37:52Is that it?
37:55Stop whinging or I'll cut your bollocks off.
37:58Come on, princess, let's go.
38:05Oi, what about my robins?
38:07This Christmas, Alex Brooker is the hot vet in Hallmark's new movie, Vet the Hall.
38:18Alright, it's time to bring out a Christmassy mystery guest.
38:32Harry and Alison have to try to work out why they were in the news this year.
38:36Can we please have this week's mystery guest?
38:39Mystery guest, mystery guest, Christmas mystery guest.
38:44Oh, what fun it is to have a Christmas mystery guest.
38:49Welcome, Josh, Alex, who is the mystery guest?
38:51This is Rob.
38:52He was in the news this year for a Christmassy reason.
38:55Mm-hm.
38:56But what was it?
38:57Can we have the dramatic lighting change, please?
38:59So, did Rob get suspended from Broadland Radio for playing
39:06All I Want For Christmas Is You on October the 3rd?
39:10Did he get suspended as a school exam invigilator
39:13after playing Merry Christmas Everyone by Slade
39:16to signal the end of the final exam?
39:19Or did Rob get suspended by an undertaker
39:21after mistakenly playing last Christmas
39:24rather than the last post at a funeral?
39:26LAUGHTER
39:31What do you think?
39:32Well, I don't think you'd make a mistake at a funeral.
39:34You'd be well prepared.
39:36Does he look like an undertaker?
39:39LAUGHTER
39:41That's a grave digger.
39:42That's a grave digger, yeah.
39:45LAUGHTER
39:46We'll reveal the mystery guest after the break.
39:48Rick Astley is going to sing us into Christmas.
39:50We'll see you in a little bit.
39:52APPLAUSE
40:09Welcome back to Last Leg.
40:11We're joined by Alison Hammond and Harry Hill.
40:13Alex has now become full Father Christmas.
40:16Ha!
40:17Ho!
40:18Ho!
40:19Ho!
40:20There you go.
40:22APPLAUSE
40:23You know what?
40:25In another reality where the cards had fallen different,
40:28he'd currently be doing that in a grotto in a garden centre.
40:32LAUGHTER
40:33You're not entirely sure what's going on with your costume.
40:35Well, I didn't think we had very long,
40:37so I was the dog already,
40:39so I just shoved mine on top of the dog.
40:41LAUGHTER
40:42OK.
40:43So I'm Boy George.
40:44LAUGHTER
40:46APPLAUSE
40:47Do you know what I'm calling this outfit?
40:48What?
40:49Hair Boy George.
40:50Oh, lovely.
40:51Lovely.
40:52APPLAUSE
40:53And clearly, I'm Tom Hanks from Castaway,
40:54because when he first experiences pain due to an infected tooth
40:57that goes on to become an ongoing issue whilst he's on the island,
40:59he's had a Christmas dinner.
41:01LAUGHTER
41:02Oh, and I've got the volleyball as well.
41:03Um...
41:04APPLAUSE
41:05APPLAUSE
41:06APPLAUSE
41:07And clearly, I'm Tom Hanks from Castaway,
41:08because when he first experiences pain due to an infected tooth
41:09that goes on to become an ongoing issue whilst he's on the island,
41:12he's had a Christmas dinner.
41:14LAUGHTER
41:15Oh, and I've got the volleyball as well.
41:17Um...
41:18APPLAUSE
41:19APPLAUSE
41:20LAUGHTER
41:21APPLAUSE
41:22APPLAUSE
41:23I recognise that handprint.
41:24LAUGHTER
41:25APPLAUSE
41:26Before the break, we challenged our guest to work out
41:29how this person was connected to the news.
41:30Can we have the options again, please?
41:34Yes, this is Rob, and he was connected to the news this year
41:37for a Christmassy reason.
41:39But what was it?
41:40Was it because Rob got suspended from Broadland Radio
41:43for playing All I Want For Christmas Is You on October 3rd?
41:46Was it because he got suspended as a school exam invigilator
41:49after playing Merry Christmas Everyone by Slade
41:51to signal the end of the final exam?
41:54Or did he get suspended by an undertaker
41:57after mistakenly playing last Christmas
41:59rather than the last post at a funeral?
42:03Ho, ho!
42:04Yeah.
42:05Harry, Ellison?
42:06Oh!
42:07Could we...
42:08Could you say something sort of local radio-ish?
42:11That we could see whether...
42:12Coming up on the show!
42:14Well, hi, folks.
42:15Hope you're having a good Sunday.
42:17Uh...
42:18Yeah.
42:19Is that it?
42:20You've got a good voice for radio!
42:21Could you say...
42:22You could have said no, Rob.
42:24LAUGHTER
42:28Shall we go with the radio?
42:30Yes, it's very...
42:31Would they suspend someone just for playing...
42:33It's a bit mean, isn't it?
42:35If they've done that, that is mean.
42:37It's a cutthroat world local radio.
42:38I wouldn't be listening to that radio station anyway.
42:40If the banding...
42:41No, exactly.
42:42Well, that's the last time you listened to Broadland Radio, isn't it?
42:45LAUGHTER
42:46Well, I thought you said Broadmoor.
42:48LAUGHTER
42:53All right, Rob.
42:54Rob, can you reveal your identity, please?
42:58I am indeed Rob Chandler, breakfast presenter at Broadland Radio,
43:03and I was suspended for playing a Mariah Carey Christmas song
43:06early in October.
43:08Amazing.
43:09Ooh, indeed!
43:11So why did you play it, and then why did they suspend you?
43:15Well, it started with a text from a listener called Becky,
43:19who said she was putting out her Christmas stock in her shop
43:23and could I play a Christmas song?
43:25So I thought, tell you what, if I get at least five listener texts
43:28saying, ho, ho, ho...
43:30Ho, ho, ho!
43:32Exactly.
43:33LAUGHTER
43:34I'll consider it.
43:35And we did.
43:36We got a load of text saying, ho, ho, ho.
43:38One or two saying, no, no, no.
43:40But then Billy the Taxi Driver...
43:43You must know Billy the Taxi Driver.
43:45No.
43:46LAUGHTER
43:49Another keen listener text and said,
43:53there's a tub of chocolates in it for you
43:55if you play Mariah Carey.
43:57All I want for Christmas is you.
43:59So, came back after the news and I read that text out
44:03and I said, quite frankly, I'm disappointed, Billy,
44:07that you could think I could be so shallow to fall for such a blatant bribe.
44:13Here we go. He knows what he's doing.
44:14Yeah.
44:15Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding.
44:17Oh!
44:18He played a song.
44:19Yeah.
44:20How long was he suspended for?
44:22How long was he suspended?
44:23One day.
44:24Oh, is that all?
44:25Yeah.
44:26Did he go shopping?
44:27What did he do?
44:28Yeah.
44:29Well, just stayed in bed all day.
44:30Chill day.
44:31Can we please have a round of applause for Rob?
44:34CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
44:39All right, we are about to end the show
44:41with a Christmas sing-along from Rick Astley,
44:42but before we do, would you please thank our guests,
44:44Alison Hammond!
44:45CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
44:47Harry Hill!
44:49And my co-host Josh Whittaker!
44:52And Alex Brooker!
44:55We'll be back next week for our New Year's Eve special
44:58with an incredible line-up.
44:59Musician Peter Doherty,
45:00comedians Maisie, Adam and Phil Wang,
45:02national treasure Sir Lenny Henry,
45:04TV personality Danny Dyer,
45:06rugby star Hannah Botterman,
45:08lioness Lucy Bronze,
45:09as well as a celebrity barman who is 100% faithful.
45:14Right now, though, Rick Astley is going to sing us into Christmas.
45:17Thanks for watching a last leak.
45:18My name's Adam Hills.
45:19Merry Christmas to all,
45:20and to all, a good night.
45:22CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
45:30You better watch out,
45:32you better not cry,
45:34you better not pout,
45:35I'm telling you why
45:37Santa Claus is coming to town.
45:42It's Snowy Road, let's go!
45:44Let's go!
45:47Let's go!
45:49Let's go!
45:51Mort, let's go!
45:53Let's go!
46:08He sees you when you're sleeping
46:13He knows when you're awake
46:16He knows if you've been bad or good
46:20So be good for goodness sake
46:23You better watch out, you better not cry
46:27You better not cry, I'm telling you why
46:30Santa Claus is coming to town
46:35He's got eight billion toys on his sleigh
46:40He's packed, he's coming your way
46:44Santa, it's coming in town
46:50Bang! Merry Christmas!
47:05You better not cry, I'm telling you why
47:12You better not cry, I'm telling you why
47:16Santa Claus is coming to town
47:18You better not cry, I'm telling you why
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