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00:00Ferocious fights, stingy castles, daring knights
00:02Horrors that did by description, cutthroat cults or cruel ejection
00:05Vicious vikings, cruel crime, punishment from ancient times
00:07Roman rotten, rank and rootless, cavemen, savage, beers and tubeless
00:10Groovy Greeks, brainy sages, need a missing middle ages
00:13Gory stories, we do that, and your host are talking rats
00:18The past is no longer the mystery
00:21Welcome to...
00:22HORRIBLE HISTORIES
00:26Have you ever dreamt of being a prince or princess?
00:36Living in a fancy castle, wearing cool crowns
00:40And drinking only the finest bean juices
00:43Mmm, nice
00:45Of course, that only happens by magic in fairy stories
00:49Normally, a lot of work goes into being a royal
00:52Guys, what an incredible show we've got for you today
00:57I'm famous French hairdresser, Ciel Arsenaire
00:59And I'm portrait artist, Joseph Ducreux
01:02And we are here to collect an Austrian princess
01:06Say hi to the viewers
01:07Hello
01:08This princess knows she's headed to France to marry Prince Louis
01:11Who is going to be king one day
01:13What she doesn't know is how much the French public will hate her
01:18If she looks Austrian
01:19What?
01:20They literally won't let her into the country looking like this
01:23They'll rip her to shreds
01:24Which, quite frankly, would be an improvement
01:26So we're here to make this Austrian wench look really French
01:31Now I'm thinking we'll call you Marie Antoinette
01:46But that is not my name, my name is Maria Antoinette
01:49Not anymore, we're changing it to Marie Antoinette
01:52This sounds my friend
01:53Future queen of France, let's dance
01:55What is going on with this egg?
02:03You've got it scraped back so far
02:05It's pulling out the roots in clumps
02:07Well, it's very fashionable in Austria
02:09That explains everything
02:11At the moment, honey
02:12This forehead gives me a sore head
02:14OMG, you are so right
02:16That's why when I was sent to Austria to paint you
02:18I painted what I wanted to see
02:21Not what I did see
02:23She is so fresh, so fly, so French
02:27Doesn't look anything like me
02:29Exactly
02:30So good
02:32Thank you
02:33Wow, it's magnificent
02:39I know
02:39Now, sweetie, we want this makeover to get you smiling again
02:44But only after we fixed your disgusting Austrian fangs
02:48Look at those jagged little teeth pointing out all over the place
02:52It's like, guys, pick a direction
02:54So we're going to give you a very beautiful and very straight smile
02:58And all it would take is some light dentistry
03:01Using the state-of-the-art metal tools
03:04Ah, won't that hurt?
03:05You won't feel a thing
03:07Because you'll feel everything
03:10We don't have pain relief
03:12Open wide
03:13Let's make your dentures all Frenchers
03:15When we met Maria Antonia, she was a real no-no-no-nia
03:25But Maria Antoinette is très chic
03:28She's glamorous
03:29She can barely move her mouth after agonizing dental surgery
03:33But she is fit for France
03:35So, what do you think of your transformation?
03:40Are you happy?
03:41Oh, she's speechless
03:45And now you're finally ready to enter France and marry a prince
03:50Yes, queen
03:51This is the happiest day of my life
03:55Let's dance
03:56Yeah, we probably should have worked on our dancing, too
04:04Definitely
04:05Please, just stop your embarrassing everyone
04:11Some can spend their whole lives searching for true love and never find it
04:15But for Prince Arthur, Tudor heir to the throne of England
04:19His true love was arranged by his father's lawyers
04:22As part of a peace treaty when he was two years old
04:25And they say romance is dead
04:26But while Arthur has known the name of his true love since he was a toddler
04:31This will be their very first date
04:34Enjoy
04:34I really hope we get on
04:38We're getting married at the end of next week
04:40Prince Arthur's first date
04:41And soon-to-be wife
04:43Is Spanish Princess Catherine of Aragon
04:45So great to finally meet you
04:47I'm Prince Arthur
04:49My father is King Harry VII
04:51Which means I will be the first official King Arthur of Britain, eventually
04:56Bye
04:59Yes, I know who you are
05:01We'll be the next week
05:02We'll be the next week
05:04We'll be the next week
05:05We'll be the next week
05:06We'll be the next week
05:07We'll be the next week
05:08We'll be the next week
05:09So it turns out she can't speak any English at all
05:14Which is, you know, a shame
05:16Because English is my best language
05:18Gracias chorizo Barcelona
05:22Nachos
05:24Si
05:25Ay caramba
05:27You like food?
05:29Food?
05:30Oh, yum yum yum yum yum yum
05:32Chicken?
05:33Bok bok bok bok bok bok bok
05:34Que es una idiota
05:36Si, el es un idiota
05:38I think idiot means something completely different in Spanish
05:41Actually, it's the same thing
05:43Right
05:43This is an absolute disaster
05:46I mean, I probably shouldn't have seen this coming, right?
05:48Because we just used them right to each other in Latin, so
05:50Wait
05:52Game on!
05:54Te amo
05:55Te amo
05:56The international language of love, Latin
06:00What can I get you?
06:02Palom e carotom animus
06:03I'm so sorry, I do not speak Latin
06:05Idiota
06:07Do you think you'll see each other again?
06:11Er, yeah
06:12I mean, we're getting married in ten days
06:13Hitch!
06:14Sorry, bro
06:15Great touch, though
06:16That's just my little brother, Prince Henry
06:18Ah, Henry, er, ocho
06:21Henry VIII?
06:23No
06:24Bad chance at that
06:26He can only be called that if he became king
06:28And that's not going to happen unless I die
06:29So, no
06:30Once we get married, you'll never have to worry about him
06:32Bullseye!
06:34Right, come in!
06:35Prince Arthur and Princess Catherine married one week after they met
06:39But Arthur croaked five months later
06:41So Catherine moved on and married his little bro, Prince Henry
06:44Standard
06:45Gives me all the feels, actually
06:47Bonjour
06:53I am Marie, Queen of Scots
06:55And as you can imagine
06:56Being Queen of Scotland may be quite a catch in the 16th century dating world
07:01I'm also well-fet
07:03Tsss, ouch
07:05My hand in marriage was so sought after that I was engaged to be married when I was just six months old
07:12Henry VIII wanted me to marry his son, Prince Edward
07:15But tell me, what did he send to help seal the marriage?
07:21I like presents!
07:22Who doesn't?
07:23Did he send
07:24A, a ship full of flowers
07:27B, a toy throne
07:29Or C, an army
07:32The answer is C
07:34He sent an army
07:36He started a war to make sure I married his son
07:39It's called the rough wooing
07:41And it lasted for eight years
07:43So I married the King of France instead
07:46Do one, Edward
07:47You see, you probably think that princes and princesses have an easy life
07:53But that's not always been the case
07:55Back in history, they were often married up to other royals
08:00Just to make their own family more powerful
08:03And if that sounds bad, wait until you see what giving birth could be like
08:07It's poor old Marie Antoinette again
08:10Where is my husband?
08:15I cannot see the King, Your Majesty, unless he is at the back
08:19Why are they watching?
08:22I'm trying to give birth here
08:23Right this way
08:24Room at the front, Your Majesty
08:26I love a royal birth
08:29Don't get me wrong, an execution is fun
08:30But it's over so quickly
08:31Darling, do we really have to have all of these people here watching?
08:35My love, we are here to celebrate the birth of a prince
08:38Oh, princess
08:39We need an audience
08:41They need witnesses to prove the Queen actually gave birth
08:44And they didn't use somebody else's baby
08:46Plus, if it is a girl, it stops them swapping it out for a boy
08:49So the King then has an heir
08:51Bonjour
08:51The doctor has arrived
08:54It's a bit quiet in here
08:55I thought we were having a royal birth
08:57More people
08:57What?
09:00I was all here to sweep the chimney
09:02Get your crappy stick away from me
09:04Ignore them, my darling
09:06Just imagine they are not there
09:08What if I didn't have to imagine and they actually weren't there?
09:12She doesn't mean it
09:14I do
09:15It is coming
09:16How do you feel?
09:19A little bit woozy, actually
09:20He was taking it
09:21Can somebody open the middle, please?
09:24The princess, the long birth, clearly needs some air
09:26Okay, everyone ready?
09:28Oui
09:29Oui
09:29Oui
09:29Oui, don't you
09:30Don't panic
09:33I will stick a spike into her foot to release the blood pressure in her body
09:37Was that whack?
09:37It will certainly wake her up
09:39She's back
09:41Come on, Your Majesty
09:43Push
09:44Push
09:46Push
09:47Push
09:47Push
09:48Push
09:49Push
09:50Push
09:51Push
09:52Push
09:53Plug
09:55My wife
09:55You're now
09:56It's a girl
09:57That's good
09:58That's good
09:59That's good
09:59Uh
09:59Okay
10:00So, uh
10:01Need some time to meet my daughter
10:02So
10:03Everyone out
10:04The king needs some private time with his new daughter
10:06This is a very, very personal moment
10:09That is a personal moment
10:11I've just had a baby in public
10:13Unbelievable
10:14My first wife, Catherine of Aragon, gave me a daughter, Princess Mary,
10:21which was great and everything, but I wanted a son and heir to my throne.
10:26A prince!
10:28I did actually then have a son, but I'm not with the Queen,
10:32so he couldn't be an official prince.
10:35Awkward.
10:36But now my second wife, Anne, is pregnant,
10:38and I'm certain it's going to be prince time, baby!
10:42Although I wouldn't lose my head if it's a girl.
10:45Someone might know.
10:48Anne Boleyn, my new wife is pregnant, and everybody's thrilled!
10:51You lie about my mum to get a divorce.
10:54You ban me from visiting her, and you say I'm not a princess anymore,
10:58and you expect me to be happy about your wife being pregnant.
11:02Too right, Mary. Can I get a whoop-whoop?
11:04Yeah, she's pretty upset.
11:06I should probably go see if she's okay.
11:08Or I could organise a special joust for the birth of my son.
11:13He's bound to be a boy this time.
11:16Right?
11:17Wrong.
11:18I think Henry is delighted to announce the birth of a prince.
11:22Yes.
11:23The whole point of divorcing the last one was so that I could get a son.
11:26And now look what's happened.
11:28A beautiful, healthy baby girl.
11:31But not now, guys.
11:32Read the room!
11:33Can I just double-check this?
11:38She's definitely a girl.
11:39Okay, fine.
11:46Father?
11:46Hello?
11:47Father's fake wife.
11:51Queen Anne, actually, for now.
11:54Let's see what happens next time you don't have a son.
11:57Speaking of the king's sons, Henry Fitzroy in the house.
12:00You don't count.
12:03Oh!
12:04Just because the king wasn't married to my mum.
12:06Typical.
12:06Sorry, girls.
12:07I can't believe you gave him better rooms than me at Christmas.
12:10Let's give me one of those days.
12:11Right.
12:12Can we try and smile, yeah?
12:18Wonderful news, Mary.
12:19We want you to live with Princess Elizabeth.
12:21It will be convenient because you will be working for her as a servant.
12:26That's no position for a princess.
12:28But you're not a princess anymore, are you?
12:31Your daddy took your title away, didn't you, darling?
12:34Hmm?
12:34I suddenly feel a bit peckish, actually.
12:36See who you are.
12:37Dad?
12:38You can't let that woman talk.
12:40The queen?
12:41My mother, Catherine of Aragon, is the queen.
12:44Not anymore, she isn't.
12:47I'm just going to go grab a couple pork chops.
12:50No.
12:50I eat when I'm nervous.
12:54And when I'm not nervous.
12:56I'm a hungry boy!
12:59They've taken away my household.
13:02And Boleyn has destroyed my life.
13:05I'm not calling her queen.
13:07And I'm not calling her daughter princess.
13:09And I'm not agreeing with her about anything, ever.
13:12Hey, guys.
13:13Just came to say hello to the baby.
13:14What's he doing here?
13:16Weird.
13:16Suddenly, all I can think about is pork chops.
13:19Chop off your block.
13:21I hate him.
13:22Oh, jinx!
13:23Ha!
13:23Ha!
13:25You can't keep calling yourself princess.
13:27This is my final word.
13:29Please, Daddy.
13:30Oh, go on, then.
13:31You can carry on.
13:32What?
13:32What can I say, my big softie?
13:35I'm a princess.
13:37Have we had lunch already?
13:39Better have another one.
13:40Just go on the safe side.
13:42Yeah?
13:43Lunch.
13:43Slap it up.
13:47Hi.
13:48I'm the Prince of Wales.
13:49And when my old man, King George III, dies,
13:52I'm going to be made King George IV.
13:54Except that's not too far away.
13:56I'm King George III, his father,
13:59and I'm still alive.
14:00What's the best thing about being a prince?
14:03All that pampering.
14:05Spoiled rotten.
14:05I blame your mother.
14:06She thought he was so perfect
14:07that she put him on display to the public
14:09when he was just a week old.
14:10And people came from all over
14:12just to see his royal cuteness.
14:14I mean, you just look like any other baby.
14:16Yeah, well, Mommy didn't think so.
14:18She had a life-size waxwork model made of me
14:20getting this little glass display jar.
14:23Actually, kind of creepy now that I think about it,
14:24but...
14:25Dad?
14:26Am I going to be King George IV?
14:34No.
14:35Clearly asleep.
14:37What's wrong with you?
14:40Many princes and princesses lived a life of luxury,
14:44but others had much more difficult lives.
14:47Some suffered like you wouldn't believe.
14:50One 18th-century African prince
14:53was taken from his home,
14:55sold into slavery,
14:56and forced to travel to America,
14:59where he did back-breaking work
15:01on a cotton plantation in Mississippi.
15:03His life did eventually improve a little,
15:06but it took time.
15:07A long time.
15:09A long, long, long time.
15:11Ladies and gentlemen,
15:13I am Prince Abdul-Rahman Abraham Asurai.
15:17Thank you all for coming tonight
15:20to hear the tale of my escape from captivity.
15:24Oh, forget it.
15:25I can't believe me eye.
15:27Could it really be?
15:29Prince Abdul!
15:30Oh, he tell you he was a prince too.
15:33Ignore him, he's just a slave.
15:35Prince Abdul, it's me,
15:37Dr John Coates Cox.
15:39Your father, King Ibrahimah,
15:40saved me life when I was in West Africa.
15:43Dr Cox!
15:43Oh, I was taken from my family's kingdom
15:47and I have been enslaved here for 19 years.
15:51I'm so sorry, Abdul.
15:52Hey, in your face, grumpy villager lady!
15:55I'm a prince!
15:56It's true, he is a prince.
15:58Well, that's nice.
16:00The authorities here won't care.
16:02He's still enslaved.
16:03Over my dead body, Your Royal Highness.
16:06You will be free within a year.
16:0921 years later, I was still a slave
16:13and my potential rescuer, Dr Cox, was dead.
16:18But while my hopes were fading,
16:21others were still fighting my cause.
16:23Thank you for continuing Dr Cox's work, Mr Malshok,
16:27but I'm still here.
16:29So I wrote to your father, the Sultan of Morocco,
16:32and now he's written to the President of America.
16:35The Sultan of Morocco is not my father.
16:37Are you sure?
16:37I'm pretty sure, yeah.
16:39Anyway, the Sultan was so moved
16:41that he wrote directly to President Adams,
16:44who has now approved your journey home.
16:48To Morocco?
16:49Uh-huh.
16:49Which is not my home.
16:50I'll admit, there's some details that need ironing out,
16:52but Prince Abdul, don't you see?
16:54You can leave this place.
16:56You're free.
16:58This is really happening.
17:00Where's my wife?
17:01Darling, get the children!
17:03We are all free!
17:04You did get the freedom for my wife and children, right?
17:10Ugh, this is awkward.
17:12My eight children.
17:15I'm a free man now.
17:16I would do it to myself.
17:18And that is why I am here today,
17:20telling my story,
17:22and raising money to buy freedom for the rest of my family.
17:26And I will not rest until I am done.
17:28Can't your dad, the Sultan of Morocco, help?
17:31Not my dad.
17:33Please, pay attention.
17:35This tour is very long.
17:38Prince Abdul did eventually make it back to Africa,
17:41but he sadly died before reaching his home again.
17:45Some princes and princesses choose to live their lives
17:47differently to most royals
17:49and march to the beat of their own drum,
17:51like my fellow suffragette,
17:53Princess Sophia de Leap Singh.
17:55Have you not heard of her?
17:56Wow, she's a huge celeb here in Edwardian England.
18:00She uses her fame to raise awareness for our cause.
18:03Votes for women!
18:04Votes for women!
18:05Votes for women!
18:06Votes for women!
18:08Votes for women!
18:09Votes for women!
18:11Votes for women!
18:13Votes for women!
18:14Hi, cuz.
18:15I don't see you at Hampton Court much.
18:17I thought Buckingham Palace was your vibe.
18:19I'm not your cuz, Princess Sophia.
18:21I am your king.
18:22Whatever.
18:22Make it quick.
18:23I've got rights to fight for and bikes to fix.
18:26Okay, look, I know you're not a member of the British royal family,
18:29but you are a princess,
18:30and we royals are expected to behave in certain ways.
18:34Give us a hand, Oileen, this chain.
18:35Certainly not.
18:36The daughter of a Maharaja should ride in a coach,
18:38not on a bike.
18:39I'm the newspaper's face of female cycling.
18:42And how can you campaign for equality riding in a royal carriage?
18:45Look, Princess Sophia,
18:46your behaviour is embarrassing the family.
18:49Any more, and I shall have to ask you to stop living in Hampton Court Palace.
18:53You can't.
18:55Your grandmother, Queen Victoria, was my godmother,
18:58and she gave me these rooms to live in before she died.
19:01They're mine.
19:02Cycling, selling suffragette newspapers,
19:05protesting with a troublemaking rabble?
19:07I'm just trying to do my bit.
19:10Oh, you could do your bit by paying some taxes.
19:14I won't pay tax until women have fair representation in government.
19:19Votes for women!
19:20Votes for women!
19:21Votes for women!
19:22Fine. Do what you want.
19:24Forget your royals.
19:26Please, try and make sure to keep your room tidy.
19:29Tidy my room?
19:31No way.
19:32We have maids for that?
19:33I am a princess, after all.
19:37Votes for women!
19:38Votes for women!
19:39Votes for women!
19:43Horribly Historical Musicals presents Alfield.
19:48Alfield, your mother and I can't always be with you.
19:52Making sure you don't meet any boys.
19:56That's why we're putting a couple of deadly snakes in your room to keep them away.
20:02Sleep well.
20:03What?
20:04Don't touch me!
20:05I'll never get a boyfriend now.
20:09I'm...
20:10Princess Alfield, you're gonna get killed by the viper that guards me.
20:16Watch where you tread or you'll end up dead with a capital D.
20:20Do away!
20:21Yes, I'm surrounded by snakes.
20:23And those are some serious snakes.
20:26For a terminally curious prince or three.
20:31Like a princess from an old school fairy tale, Alfield wants to find her prince.
20:37Prince Alf, you got past the snakes and rescued me.
20:42Let's get married.
20:44It'll be...
20:45A whole new life.
20:50Golden slippers and silver frocks.
20:53I'll be your wife.
20:57No snakes hiding in my socks.
21:01Wait!
21:02You're getting married?
21:03All you know about him is that he can avoid snakes.
21:06Fine.
21:07You win.
21:08I won't marry him.
21:09Yes.
21:10I'll dress up as a man and become a pirate.
21:13Happy now!
21:15Wait.
21:16What just happened?
21:17Alfield.
21:17The true story of the princess whose parents filled her bedroom with snakes and who ran off
21:22to become a pirate.
21:23Piracy.
21:24Dead's for me.
21:26Plundering.
21:27Boats at sea.
21:27I think we can all agree there'll never be a queen like me.
21:32Alfield.
21:34A princess tale like you've never seen before.
21:37Um, I'm still a bit confused by the whole pirate thing.
21:40Oh, and does anyone have any anti-venom for my bottom?
21:43Oh!
21:45Blue man, blue man, the living toilet who ran from the Middle Ages.
21:49Did a bucket so that you can have a poop in a private place.
21:54Steaking on my bucket with a cape to hide your face.
21:57And bam, and when you're done, I will charge depending if you did it to a one.
22:03Blue man!
22:05Please welcome today's historical figure who really needs the loo, Bonnie Prince Charlie.
22:10The 18th century prince who laid claim to the thrones of England, Scotland and Ireland.
22:24Yeah, who are you?
22:26Sorry, I just really need a loo.
22:28I am Lumen.
22:32You have travelled through time from the 18th century to use my first-rate toilet facility.
22:39Hello.
22:40It's plot quiz.
22:44Answer questions one and two, and I'll let you do a...
22:47Woo-hoo!
22:48I really, really need the toilets. Can we say no more?
22:51Question number one.
22:52What is your proudest moment?
22:55Well, my grandfather, James II, was robbed of his English throne during the glorious revolution
23:01just for being a bit Catholic.
23:03So my proudest moment would be when I and my Jacobite troops crushed the British in battle,
23:09bringing me closer to taking my throne back from the usurper, George II.
23:15Throne as in the toilet?
23:16No, the throne as in the throne.
23:19I am the rightful king of Britain, and I really need a poo.
23:23All right.
23:24Question number two.
23:26What?
23:27It gets me every time.
23:28Come on, come on, come on, come on!
23:30What was your most embarrassing moment?
23:33Uh, a rebellion ran out of luck around the time of the Battle of Culloden,
23:36and the English captured 3,500 of my men and executed 120.
23:41And?
23:42I had to escape in a boat while disguised as an Irish maid.
23:45Now, can I please go to the toilet?
23:46I'm nearly touching Tartan!
23:48You may pass!
23:49Liquids and or solids.
23:51That was hot, man!
23:52Come on!
23:53Join me next time when I'll be stopping another historical chalet from doing a poo to ask the
23:59questions just for...
24:01Can you say it with me, funny piece, Charlie?
24:04Just for you!
24:06Hi.
24:08I'm Prince Edward, eldest son of Edward III, Earl of Chester, Prince of Wales, Duke of Cornwall,
24:21and absolute lad.
24:22People also call me the Black Prince on account of my sleek black armour, and because I'm hard
24:27as nails.
24:29What's the best thing about being a prince?
24:31Easy.
24:31No weapons.
24:33Like this bad boy.
24:38This beauty's retired now, but I've given it a place of honour in the Royal Hall.
24:43Every day it gets fed a ration of its own food.
24:46Gonna keep your strength up, haven't we?
24:48Huh?
24:49What's that?
24:50He likes chops!
24:52Such a great sense of humour.
24:54So, that was some of history's most pitiful princes and princesses, and many of them never
25:01even got to be king or queen, especially the girls.
25:05Until 2013, it was the oldest boy who took the throne, even if he had older sisters.
25:11Imagine!
25:12The most important thing you've got to do if you want to be in charge is to stay alive,
25:18and that wasn't so easy in the old days.
25:20Just ask the Black Prince Edward, Prince Arthur Tudor, and Frederick, Prince of Wales.
25:29When I was a young prince, my father took me into the palace to say I'd rule the land.
25:39He said, son, when you grow up, you'll be king, the great king of the Tudor.
25:48Your life's already planned.
25:51But I dropped dead at fifteen, they gave my crown and queen to my brother, who later divorced
26:03her.
26:04And they left me a side note, a phantom, in the sad parade of great kings that never were.
26:15Poor Edward died of dysentery, we call him the Black Prince.
26:26No throne for him, that stylish warrior.
26:31When Frederick got awful sick, his dad George was relieved.
26:36Cause as an heir, Fred was below par.
26:41He can't rule on, we can't rule on.
26:46So let's hear it for the roll call, of kings you never knew at all.
26:53We can't rule on, but don't forget the kings you never had.
26:59Cause we all died before our dad.
27:02Disappointing Fred drew his last brad.
27:07Ed looked cool, but put himself to death.
27:12And there's also me, and don't forget, Alfonso.
27:18Alfonso?
27:19Yeah, Alfonso.
27:21Dad was Edward I, I was going to be king of England, but I died in 1234.
27:25Come on.
27:26We could have ruled, but we won't come so.
27:29We could have had, had King Alfonso.
27:32There's no King Fred, to be anointing.
27:35Because he's dead, dead disappointing.
27:38They're never kings, for sad procession.
27:40It really stings, with no succession.
27:43We died too young, that much is clear.
27:46So I get a diary.
27:50Uh, can we all stop going on about how I pooed myself to death?
27:58There's nothing wrong with pooing yourself to death.
27:59People did it all the time.
28:01Shut up, Alfonso.
28:02I'll see you next time.
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