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QI XL (2009) Season 18 Episode 9 - Winter Wonderland
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FunTranscript
00:00Good evening.
00:29Merry Christmas and welcome to QI, where we are walking in a winter wonderland.
00:34Let's meet our windswept wanderers.
00:37Driving home for Christmas, it's Julian Clary.
00:43Dashing through the snow, it's Fatia El Ghori.
00:49Jingling all the way, it's Jimmy Carr.
00:55And a reindeer in the headlights, it's Alan Davis.
00:59APPLAUSE
01:00Let's hear their wintry buzzers.
01:06Julian goes...
01:08Snow is falling, all around me.
01:12Fatia goes...
01:14Frosty the snowman.
01:17I was ready for a bit more, I thought it was nice.
01:18That's a bit tight, it's Christmas, hello.
01:20Yeah.
01:21Jimmy goes...
01:23Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow.
01:27And Alan goes...
01:28Why does it always rain on me?
01:34Right, let's start by looking under your desks.
01:38I have some Christmas presents for you all.
01:41Uh, Sandy.
01:42Yes, what?
01:43Each year...
01:44Yeah?
01:45You give us presents.
01:46I do, yeah.
01:46And this year, I have a present for you.
01:50Oh, OK.
01:50Applause, please.
01:52APPLAUSE
01:54This is from all of us.
02:00OK.
02:01And who, who wrapped it?
02:04Don't worry about the wrapping, the wrapping's fine.
02:06Don't worry about it.
02:07Right, why am I likely to be delighted by this gift, exactly the way it's been presented?
02:12That looks like a child has wrapped it.
02:15And so, maybe from...
02:17LAUGHTER
02:18From the heart.
02:21Yeah.
02:21I never want to get a present where I have to get an implement to open it.
02:25Yeah, you've got to get scissors out of it.
02:26You've got to get a pen knife or something to get into it.
02:28I don't like that.
02:29This is better.
02:31You could actually probably blow on it and it would open.
02:33I think you're probably right.
02:35So, there was an American writer called Drusilla Lowry, and she wrote a book called The Art of Wrapping Gifts, right?
02:40And she said that a sloppily wrapped package indicates poor taste and indifference or lack of skill.
02:46But there was a study done in 2019 at the University of Nevada, and they found the opposite.
02:51People actually react rather better to a poorly wrapped present because they have a much lower expectation of what's inside.
02:58I don't like getting gifts.
03:00Do you not?
03:01Why?
03:01No, because people then expect gratitude, and I don't rarely feel any.
03:07Keep your gift.
03:09Do you prefer to give or receive gift?
03:12Can we just clip that and put it on TikTok?
03:16I'm going to see what it is.
03:18Did you choose it yourself?
03:19Yeah, yeah, yeah.
03:20OK.
03:20Jimmy, help.
03:22Oh, look!
03:24It's a waffle iron.
03:26That's so lovely.
03:27There you go.
03:27I love that.
03:31So this effect of responding better to poorly wrapped presents, it's true if you get it from a stranger or if you get it from a close friend, right?
03:40Where we don't like a poorly wrapped present is when it's from an acquaintance.
03:44Oh.
03:44I'm trying to shake off acquaintances.
03:47You're either in or you're out.
03:49Yeah, exactly.
03:49Is that right, Julia?
03:50It is.
03:51That's the spirit.
04:02I think that'll run all evening, don't you?
04:05Well, I'm sure there's an ointment for it.
04:07But if it's an acquaintance, apparently people prefer it to be neatly wrapped because then they feel that that person has taken some time about it.
04:14When they say to you in the store, would you like that wrapped, should you say yes or no?
04:19I sometimes think that really shows that you don't give a toss.
04:23Yeah, if you get somebody else to do it.
04:24It really does.
04:24Yeah.
04:24If you just get them to do a shh with the scissors and the ribbon.
04:28If someone gives you a poorly wrapped present, then that means you can give them a poorly wrapped present, so I don't mind.
04:34Yeah.
04:34Or you can just wrap it up the same again and give it back.
04:36Or sometimes what I do is throw it in the bin and then they come and visit me and then I go,
04:40can you put this in the bin, please?
04:41And then they see their present and then they know it's shit.
04:44Oh.
04:45My mother once gave me the ugliest kitchen clock I've ever seen in my whole life.
04:49Anyway, Terry Wogan in those days was doing The Wogan Show and he asked for ugly things you'd received that they could sell off for children in need as a joke, right?
04:57So I sent this clock in.
04:59My mother's there.
05:00She says, let's watch The Wogan Show.
05:02And the thing comes on and I can see the clock in front of him and I pretended I was having a seizure.
05:10Anyway, I did receive an absolutely fantastic gift, which I want to show you, so I just want to handle this very, very carefully.
05:20I'm just going to bring these gloves around.
05:21Are you going to give me an enema?
05:24So, look at this marvellous box that we've got here and when I open it up inside, this is a saint's relic, okay?
05:35This is Saint Wolfstan.
05:36You'll like this, patron saint of vegetarians and peasants.
05:40It looks like a chicken bone.
05:42It does.
05:42Okay.
05:44It is a chicken bone from one of the researchers' lunches today.
05:47It is.
05:48What I was trying to prove is what they call the reliqui effect.
05:53So if you show a random bone and you put it in a marvellous reliqui case, people will think it is much more valuable than it is if it's just a chicken bone, which is in fact what it was.
06:04That's a bit like, you know, when I wear makeup?
06:05Yes.
06:05Well, there was a time when perfectly ordinary brown paper was used.
06:10I'm going to put the, put my relic away.
06:12Brown paper was used a lot in shops to wrap presents.
06:161910s, paper commonly used in American grocery stores and the newspapers started to write editorials against the practice.
06:22So why might that be 1910s?
06:25Where are we heading for 1910?
06:27The war?
06:28World War I.
06:29You need paper.
06:30It's essential for war.
06:31And it was becoming increasingly expensive.
06:33And I think they thought if you could reduce demand by trying to get people to stop having their things wrapped.
06:38Nevertheless, in this country, each year we use 227,000 miles of wrapping paper, which is...
06:47Oh, good little murmur there.
06:48Yeah.
06:49It's enough wrapping paper to go around the earth nine times.
06:53The amount of card used in Christmas cards every year could stretch between London and Lapland over 100 times.
06:58I mean, it's a lot of paper that we...
07:00Yeah, we'll do it.
07:00And most of it can't be recycled.
07:02No.
07:02I don't know what...
07:03With the Christmas card thing, I don't know what the etiquette's meant to be.
07:05I'm the same with birthday cards.
07:06How long are you meant to keep it?
07:08Are you meant to read it and pop it straight in the bin, or...?
07:10I like the ones where people have done the photo themselves.
07:13And I love a round robin.
07:15Oh, a round robin.
07:16We were very pleased that the footings for the conservatory have gone in.
07:19Wow.
07:21This tells you that they've buried a relative.
07:26We've got a new patio.
07:28You know, my uncle is a proper tight prick, yeah?
07:33I swear down, one day on my birthday, I got a card, and I'd opened it,
07:38and he tip-exed out happy Christmas and put happy birthday.
07:41And there was a robin on the front.
07:43I was like, we're Muslim, for God's sake!
07:45What are you doing?
07:47I quite like that.
07:48I like to go and buy, like, a happy retirement card for a sixth birthday.
07:52I just think...
07:53My gran would do that.
07:55She would get a card and tear it in half.
07:58Yeah.
07:59And give you the picture bit just written on the back.
08:02And claimed that it was because, during the war, you had to be frugal.
08:06Right.
08:06And it's 1976, Grant.
08:08But why can't you recycle most Christmas cards?
08:12Tinsel?
08:12Yeah, it's all the glitter and all the extra bits and pieces.
08:15There's metallic materials, shiny laminates and that kind of thing.
08:18Do you know there's a trend happening at the minute, yeah?
08:21Probably not.
08:22What women are doing and girls are, like, spraying their cells of glitter.
08:27Yeah.
08:28And then if your man's cheating, you'll find glitter on him.
08:31And then you know it's not you and you know he's cheating and then you bust his arse up.
08:35Wow.
08:35Sorry, so you're spraying yourself in glitter and then if he's cheating, you'll know?
08:38Yeah.
08:39She'll know.
08:39The other woman will know.
08:40Oh.
08:41Oh.
08:41Does it not cause chafing?
08:46I don't think that's the main worry, Julie.
08:49Right, that's Christmas wrapping all tied up with a bow.
08:52But I do have presents for all of you as well.
08:54If you would look underneath your desks, please.
08:57I've gone with a sort of theme of wellness with these.
09:01So, Alan, Loda, why don't we start with you?
09:04It's easy to undo, you see.
09:06It's easy to undo, a nice bit of ribbon.
09:10There we go.
09:11Beads.
09:11Yeah, so why might you give beads to somebody?
09:16Because...
09:19Because you don't really like them.
09:23Because you're obligated, because you work with them and you have to think of something.
09:27Because these were at the back of your drawer.
09:29So what I can tell you is that all of your gifts are from early Christmas adverts,
09:33so yours was first advertised in 1728 and it's called an anodyne necklace.
09:39Oh.
09:40Actually, this advert for it is from 1756, a little tiny bit later on.
09:43So this is the weirdest thing.
09:44These necklaces contained a poisonous plant called henbane.
09:48It's also known as stinking nightshave.
09:50LAUGHTER
09:53It was meant to help children with teething pain.
09:55At this time, one in three children in England would not expect to reach their fifth birthday.
10:02And teething pain was seen as a sort of sign of something much more serious and possibly something fatal.
10:06So they claimed that if you wore one of these anodyne necklaces,
10:09curative substances would flow from it into the skin, up into the mouth and so on.
10:13You didn't have to chew on it, which was just as well, because it is actually a poison.
10:18But it did seem to work, even though there's no medical reason for it.
10:23Why do you think it might have worked?
10:25They were quite expensive.
10:26There's five shillings for one.
10:29It's one of those things where you tell people it's going to be good for you and then it works.
10:33I think it is partly that, Julian, but also it is the fact that infant mortality rates were lower
10:37amongst rich people and it was only rich people who were able to buy them.
10:43We used to give the kids bicky pegs.
10:46What, for the teething?
10:47For the teething.
10:48And then I don't know what it was.
10:49And then...
10:50And it would sort of gradually get smaller and smaller.
10:53Like a dog biscuit, like a good dog biscuit that lasts.
10:56Yeah.
10:57You know.
10:58Sounds like you're giving the kids dog biscuits.
10:59Yeah.
11:00I know what you're talking about.
11:03It's like cork, isn't it?
11:05That's a good idea, though.
11:06Have a bottle of wine and give the children the cork.
11:08Give the children the cork.
11:10But rich people like Augusta, Princess of Wales, her daughter Queen Caroline of Denmark
11:14and Norway, who's the one on the left there.
11:16In very small quantities, this particular thing, henbane, that was in it,
11:20it is a mild sedative.
11:21If you have more than three grams, it can cause constipation.
11:24Manic episodes, hallucinations and possible death.
11:27Is this sort of a replica or...?
11:29Yes, darling.
11:30We also didn't want to kill Alan.
11:32I mean, today.
11:33Not till the Z series.
11:34Don't miss that episode.
11:38We are going to need a big finish, so...
11:40Yeah.
11:41Right, Julian, do you want to open yours, darling?
11:42Ah, have you pushed the boat out?
11:43This is from a Christmas ad from 1825.
11:46Oh!
11:47What is it?
11:48It's macassar oil.
11:49So, do you know about macassar oil?
11:50Oh, I'm sure you're going to tell me.
11:51Have you heard of anti-macassars, darling?
11:52Anti-macassar?
11:53Yes.
11:54What does that mean?
11:55It was a sort of a piece of cloth that sat on the back of the train.
11:56I thought it was a band from Camden Town.
11:57That's a quite a good name for a band, isn't it?
11:58It doesn't smell.
11:59Is that because you would have had oily...
12:00Yeah.
12:01..people wouldn't wash their hair?
12:02It's to stop the oil from the back of your head going onto the train seat and it's called
12:21an anti-macassar.
12:22Makassar oil comes from originally from the ebony trees in Indonesia
12:26But this was a much cheaper blend of vegetable oils palm oils and coconuts
12:29So it's the 19th century equivalent of hair gel pure grease is undoubtedly the best nourisher of the hair
12:36Yeah, it's supposed to be very very tell my daughter that
12:42Want to apply some yes go on then open your hand
12:47Times I've said that
12:49There you are, but you have to follow it by saying here's some oil
12:56It's a lovely color
12:58What is that you've got to run it run your fingers
13:02Thing is family. What will happen if I do that is yeah, we'll stop the show and the makeup department will come
13:13You know those people can you imagine the language back there now they're watching on the monitor
13:17Yeah, don't you dare put your fingers through that
13:20Don't touch your hair
13:21Don't touch your hair
13:30I like it
13:31Oh, it is whiffy
13:32Does it smell nice?
13:33I thought you said it didn't smell
13:34Well, I lied
13:35That's an exchange you've had before
13:37That's an exchange you've had before
13:43Right, Jimmy, come on let's see what you've got
13:45You were five minutes in and you've lubed him up
13:49Okay, you've not pushed the boat out here
13:51So this again, this is something from the past 1857
13:55Well, that's some some pills of some description
13:58Okay, so these are from Mr. Page Woodcock of Lincoln
14:02So there were two Christmas adverts for wind pills
14:06To treat indigestion
14:07To cure wind or to give you more?
14:09Well, so it depended which advert that you had a look at
14:11So the very first advert claimed that the pills would conjure happy festive memories
14:16So this is the Christmas advert
14:18The second was the Boxing Day advert
14:20Which was inspired by a Christmas carol
14:22It said the pills would cure people haunted by the Christmas ghost of indigestion
14:27So if you took them on Christmas Day, made you happy
14:30If you took them on Boxing Day, got rid of indigestion
14:32Those are your basic happy pills that we've given you
14:35Lovely
14:36Yeah
14:37Should we smash them up and do a line?
14:41I'm very concerned about those two children in the hotel balloon
14:44Sent off unaccompanied
14:46Well, not just that, not dressed
14:48Are they the ones with the wind? Is that what we think?
14:51You can still get wind pills, they're called Windies
14:54Yes, you can
14:55And I actually promise you that my wife did buy me some for Christmas fun
14:58Which really, really amused the children
15:01I said stop listening at the door, go to another room
15:04Did it work?
15:06I haven't tried them actually
15:08Could you?
15:09I should, yeah
15:10I really should
15:12Right, Fatia, come on
15:14Yes, mine's the biggest one here
15:161830 is this one
15:18This better not be like a gym or some shit like that, yeah?
15:21Oh, no, no, we don't do fitness, you're fine
15:23Because I'll go mad, I think
15:25Merry Christmas
15:37Can you imagine if I should do that, should I do a rental service?
15:43Yeah
15:44You can rent me, I'll hide in your toilet
15:46And then you'll come and have a Merry Christmas
15:49Christmas advert for a toilet appeared in several publications in the 1830s
15:53There was a man called Robert Wyss, there it is
15:55And he said it was the perfect gift for Christmas and New Year's
15:59It's a portable, self-acting water closet
16:03So it's a kind of commode, they used to be known as thunder boxes
16:07Because Alan used to go in there
16:08Ah, well
16:09Yeah
16:10So it looks like a cabinet from the outside
16:12And then when you open it up
16:13It's got a commode on the inside, a chamber pot
16:15That is the worst James Bond gadget
16:19What did they do before?
16:20Just had a sort of a bowl under the bed, you know, a pot
16:23But this had a cistern with stored water
16:25And you could actually flush the waste out of the pot
16:27And it went into a concealed hidden bucket
16:29Which was then emptied by the staff
16:31Oh, discreet
16:32Yes, exactly, exactly
16:34I mean, you say discreet, portable
16:36So, presumably, people would see you in the high street with it
16:40What's he doing with that cupboard?
16:41He seems to be shitting in it
16:45During lockdowns, I like to go for a really long walk
16:47I bought a portable toilet tent
16:49And it was, it was like a big
16:53I did
16:54You didn't
16:55I did
16:56It goes completely over you
16:57Well, no, what it was, was it, it was a pop-up thing
17:00It was a flat circle
17:01It was a flat circle
17:02And you just popped it and popped up
17:03And like the size of a telephone booth
17:04And I thought this was marvellous
17:06And then you went in
17:07You have to sing when you're in there
17:08In case someone comes along
17:09Well, darling
17:10It was great
17:11Apart from when it blew over outside
17:16Outside the Tower of London
17:20You come across a tent wandering round
17:22Always have a little look inside
17:24Because it could be
17:25Sandy Toxford technician
17:26Okay, presents away, please
17:30What's most dangerous?
17:32A lion
17:33A witch
17:35Or a wardrobe
17:36Definitely a witch
17:37Would a lion be scared of a witch, though?
17:44You could reason with a lion
17:47So enjoy that
17:49That's a show we'd all watch, I think
17:51Hi, welcome to Reason with a Lion
17:52And the witch, if she's in a good mood
17:54You could get away with it
17:55But if a wardrobe fell on you
17:56Then you'd be in trouble
17:57And that is the correct answer, my darling
17:58Absolutely right, yes
17:59So the wonderful book
18:00The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe
18:01By...
18:02C.S. Lewis
18:03C.S. Lewis
18:04Dedicated to Lucy Barfield
18:05And Maud, Lucy's mother
18:06Was extremely worried that children would go looking for Narnia
18:07And get stuck inside a wardrobe
18:08So he had to put some extra lines of text in
18:09And every time
18:10You'll notice in the book
18:11Somebody goes through the wardrobe
18:12He says they took care to leave the door ajar
18:13And C.S. Lewis does say it's a very silly thing
18:14To look at the door
18:15And then you'd be in trouble
18:16And then you'd be in trouble
18:17And that is the correct answer, my darling
18:18Absolutely right
18:19So the wonderful book
18:20The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe
18:21By...
18:22C.S. Lewis
18:23Dedicated to Lucy Barfield
18:24And Maud, Lucy's mother
18:25Was extremely worried
18:26He had to put some extra lines of text in
18:27And every time
18:28You'll notice in the book
18:29Somebody goes through the wardrobe
18:30He says they took care to leave the door ajar
18:33And C.S. Lewis does say it's a very silly thing
18:35To lock oneself in a wardrobe
18:36But apparently we are facing an accident crisis
18:38Britain loses ten times more working days
18:41To domestic accidents than we do to strikes
18:43So driving accidents have significantly decreased
18:46In the past 20 years
18:47But pretty much all other accidents have increased
18:51Falls are by far the biggest culprit
18:54Why do you think we might be having more and more falls?
18:57Because there's more stairs?
18:59Oh, I like that
19:00We've had a tremendous increase in stairs
19:02Yes
19:03Well, if I have an accident
19:05It's likely to be on the stairs
19:07Or sometimes I open the fridge door
19:09And hit myself on the head
19:13This is going to be the worst ever episode of Miss Marple
19:16Well, I'm...
19:17It's the ageing population
19:19It's the old people
19:20And there's that terrible fact about
19:21If you break a hip as well
19:23You're better off having stage 4 cancer than a broken hip
19:26Really? Why?
19:27Yeah, it's in Peter Attia's book on longevity
19:30If you break a hip, it's very, very bad news
19:32Why are you reading books on longevity, darling?
19:35I've had a lot of work done
19:38My face is like Trigger's broom
19:40There we know, the original's still there
19:45Help!
19:46In 2016, so this is according to the National Accident Helpline
19:49One in 75 people surveyed had been injured while shopping in a sales rush
19:54One in 50 people reported falling out of the loft while retrieving Christmas decorations
19:59One in 90 people had suffered burns while roasting chestnuts on an open fire
20:04One in 50 had fallen out of the loft?
20:06Yeah, I know
20:07It seems an extraordinarily high number
20:09Yeah
20:10What do you think is the gift in recent years that's caused the most accidents?
20:13Knives
20:15I bought you a very sharp knife
20:19Sandwich maker
20:20Yes, you could trap your finger in the thing
20:22E-scooters
20:23E-scooters
20:24Is exactly right, darling
20:25My nephew's
20:26E-scooter
20:27Nearly died
20:28He cut the back of his ankle and he cut an artery
20:31What?
20:32And then, yeah, he nearly died
20:33Foolish boy!
20:35I mean, 416 people seriously injured in 2023
20:39And 965 slightly injured, 338 fires
20:43Still a lot more people falling out of the loft though, isn't it?
20:47What's the worst or most embarrassing accident anybody here has ever had?
20:51Oh, you're counting soiling yourself
20:54I mean, we are now
20:59I've got a soiling myself story
21:01Go for it, darling
21:03Well, I've told this story before, I think last time I was on this show, but
21:07It's so long ago, darling
21:08No
21:09It's in colour now
21:10Anyway
21:13But no
21:15Beat this
21:16I once
21:17I once chapped myself while meeting the Queen
21:27It was a Royal Variety show
21:28Yeah?
21:29And you had to queue up and you know, she came and shakes your hand
21:34And I don't know if it was nerves or I'd had a bit of trouble, I can't remember
21:39But it was only a little pellet
21:44But that's a true story
21:47Let's see, you're soiling yourself
21:49I can remember doing a little pellet as a child
21:55And it came out of my trouser leg
21:59Is that what happened to you?
22:01Yes
22:03It's shot across the stage
22:07In the general direction of Claire Sweeney
22:10This story's got everything
22:13I've got a poo story
22:15Go on
22:16I was going to tell a story about
22:18Shaving
22:19And now you
22:20Are you going to go with the poo?
22:21Yeah, I want to go with the poo
22:22Shaving is too long
22:23That's actually fine
22:24Can I just say to me, I don't have a poo story
22:25This will be the last one
22:27Oh, I cut my scrotum with
22:30LAUGHTER
22:37Is this at the Royal Variety performance?
22:41Shaking hands with the Queen
22:42And trying to shave my balls at the same time
22:45You know how that goes
22:46I was alone
22:47Sure
22:48To do a podcast
22:49And there was a company
22:50There were lots and lots of podcasts about football
22:53Nearly all by boys
22:54And mostly listened to by boys
22:55Anyway
22:56They started sending these shaving kits
22:58Around
22:59Giving the shaving kits
23:00For shaving your undercarriage with
23:03And we were all
23:04Sort of in the 40s and 50s
23:05I thought
23:06What?
23:07People are doing what now?
23:09Anyway
23:10I tried it
23:11And I cut myself on the stride
23:13And I thought
23:14This shouldn't be possible
23:15It's got all this kind of
23:16Protective
23:18Thing on it
23:19But I got a little bit carried away
23:21And that is the most embarrassing accident
23:23And now you've made me say it
23:24At the Christmas show
23:25No
23:30I'll tell you where you went wrong
23:31You need to stretch the skin
23:33That's all it is
23:34You just went like this
23:35Because you're lazy
23:36But you need to stretch the skin
23:37Trust me I know
23:38I'm Arab
23:39I know about hair
23:41Thank you so much for doing mine
23:42I can't believe I'm stopping this fascinating conversation
23:43To hear yours about too
23:44So yeah
23:45I was like
23:46Seven
23:47Three
23:48Three
23:49Three
23:50Three
23:51Three
23:52Three
23:53Three
23:54Three
23:55Three
23:56Three
23:57Three
23:58Three
23:59Three
24:00Three
24:01Three
24:02Three
24:03Three
24:04Three
24:05Three
24:06Three
24:07Three
24:08Three
24:09Three
24:10Three
24:11Two
24:12Two
24:13And I was like seven or something
24:14And then we went on a school trip to a farm
24:15And I wanted to do a poo
24:16But the teacher goes go on your own to the toilet
24:17And I was like no
24:18So I just shit in my pants
24:20And then like I sat in it and had it in my pants all day
24:23And all the kids
24:25Shut up
24:27I wouldn't mess with her
24:29All the kids were like oh there's a
24:32We can smell poo
24:33And I was like oh yeah I wonder who it is
24:34Maybe it's the stinky kid
24:35And when I got home my mum put me in the bath and it was stuck to my skin
24:39She had to soak me and then put it off with a butter knife.
24:42Merry Christmas, everyone.
24:44Merry Christmas.
24:45One spoke on a coach trip.
24:47Oh, please don't.
24:51And the driver was a huge man, really, really big man.
24:55And he pulled over on a hard shoulder and he got out of his cab
24:58and he made his way down the aisle.
25:00He thought, what's going on?
25:01And he went down the stairs into the loo.
25:04And eventually, he re-emerged and he said,
25:07no one can use the toilet, it's full.
25:18Anybody in the audience want to talk about...
25:22Now, I've got everybody a bowl of Christmas walnuts.
25:26Can anybody open...
25:27You know there's that thing where you crush two in your hand and...
25:30Oh, I've just done it.
25:32Oh, I don't know my own strength.
25:37There is a sort of straightened look of it, isn't there?
25:41It really is.
25:42OK.
25:43It really is.
25:44Oh.
25:45Oh, lovely.
25:46Yeah, I know the trick.
25:47So what you do is you put one there and then put the other one next to it
25:51and then you just go like that and then it opens.
25:54Does it happen?
25:55Yeah.
25:56It will.
25:57What do you mean it will?
25:58So it hasn't?
25:59It will.
26:00Stop flirting with me.
26:01OK.
26:02I can't believe I've got to sit next to the stinky kid.
26:04Stinky?
26:05Stinky?
26:06It's a bit like the Patsy.
26:11If you don't know who the stinky kid is, it's you.
26:16So, I've done it by the way, look.
26:19Congratulations.
26:20Yeah, it's a mess but I've done it.
26:22Now, why is it so hard to find a walnut's anus?
26:28What have I just eaten?
26:31Are they heterosexual?
26:33Walnuts.
26:34It depends what kind of walnut we're talking about.
26:37I'm looking at the walnut but this is not the kind of walnut, is it?
26:40No, you've done this game before, haven't you?
26:43Different kind of walnuts, the ones in front of us.
26:46The walnut bird.
26:47Walnut snake.
26:49Walnut beetle.
26:51Walnut fish.
26:52Walnut whiff.
26:53Walnut whiff.
26:54Walnut whiff.
26:55It is a creature in the sea and they are called sea walnuts.
27:01Look at this, it is so beautiful.
27:03I love those see-through ones.
27:04They're also called wartycomb jellies.
27:06It's not a jellyfish, it's a bit like a jellyfish.
27:09That's not a jellyfish?
27:10No.
27:11Yeah, I'm not sure who you're talking to.
27:13But that, my friend, is a jellyfish.
27:15So, why isn't it a jellyfish?
27:17I'm telling you...
27:18No, I'm telling you it is.
27:19Well, the reason that we know it isn't is because it does have an anus.
27:24So, if it was a jellyfish, it wouldn't.
27:26But what is extraordinary about them is that these are transient anuses.
27:31What do we think that means?
27:33It moves around.
27:34Well, it's only there for a very short time.
27:36They only create one on a temporary basis when they need to poo.
27:41So, when it needs to go, the digestive system fuses with its skin to form an opening.
27:46It does a poo and the opening then closes in a matter of minutes.
27:50And they do this about once an hour, unless they're a very, very young one,
27:53in which case it's about every ten minutes.
27:55So, it is a jellyfish most of the time?
27:57No, it isn't...
27:58LAUGHTER
28:00You're saying once an hour, it isn't a jellyfish briefly.
28:03I wonder why they do that, though.
28:05What's in it for them?
28:06What to do it?
28:07Not to have a permanent arsehole.
28:09I think it's that they're not so vulnerable, darling.
28:12I think it's that.
28:13It's basically, you know, it's an exit for them and an entrance for others.
28:16Tell me about it.
28:17LAUGHTER
28:23When you think about it, though, it would be practical if you're on,
28:25I don't know, let's say a school trip, perhaps.
28:27Yeah.
28:28Yeah.
28:29Just create an arsehole and then gone again.
28:31Yeah.
28:32Just to not have one the whole time.
28:33Yeah.
28:34Because, you know, accidents happen.
28:36A long walk to the toilet, maybe I'll just shit myself.
28:39What?
28:41Jellyfish don't have anuses, they expel their waste through the mouth.
28:44So, it's the difference between the two.
28:45What?
28:46How do you know it's its mouth?
28:47What's it saying?
28:48LAUGHTER
28:49I mean, I think people have studied this.
28:50There's a fantastic...
28:51LAUGHTER
28:52There's an amazing American zoologist called Libby Hyman
28:54and it was because she noticed that these particular creatures,
28:57the sea walnuts, have these transient anuses...
28:59What?
29:00..that she realised that they were not the same as jellyfish.
29:02I don't even think that's a real person.
29:03Libby Hyman?
29:04Libby Hyman.
29:05LAUGHTER
29:06That sounds made up.
29:07She's from a limerick.
29:08If...
29:09LAUGHTER
29:15Still intact, but you horse ride.
29:17LAUGHTER
29:18Now, this picture is a wassail box.
29:25It's a traditional Christmas item.
29:27You would have to pay to look inside.
29:29What will you give me to look inside?
29:31A penny?
29:32What?
29:33A penny, I like the idea.
29:34Penny?
29:35Yes.
29:36A penny for the guy?
29:37A penny would be fine.
29:38There was a Christmas tradition called wassail, but where?
29:39Where?
29:40Yes, Yorkshire.
29:41It was very common.
29:42I haven't seen Yorkshire.
29:43Newcastle, isn't it?
29:44Wassail box?
29:45Well, it's actually a Scandinavian thing.
29:46Oh.
29:47So you would ask for this money and then you would show what's inside.
29:49What do you think is in the box that they're going to show?
29:51It's a music box.
29:52No, it...
29:53Well, have a look on the picture.
29:54This was the Christmas tradition that...
29:56June Whitfield.
29:57LAUGHTER
30:01It's in the kids' version.
30:03Two tiny dolls representing the Virgin Mary and the baby Jesus.
30:06And that's not the real Virgin Mary and baby Jesus?
30:09Yes.
30:10This is the real Virgin...
30:12Smaller than you'd think.
30:14Do you think people were smaller?
30:17LAUGHTER
30:19Because...
30:21My children are really getting really big.
30:25My daughter's taller than nearly all of us.
30:29So, it's...
30:30If you really went backwards through time, with people getting a little bit smaller, a little
30:34bit smaller, a little bit smaller, that probably is how big Virgin Mary was.
30:38LAUGHTER
30:43Can I ask...
30:44You know, if you open it...
30:45Are you going to ask why Alan doesn't sit in this chair?
30:47LAUGHTER
30:48No, I was going to say, he's hot today, innit?
30:50LAUGHTER
30:51This tradition...
30:52We don't know how old it is, maybe 18th, 19th century, but it has carried on.
30:55Except in America, I don't think they've really got the hang of it, because sometimes when
30:58people do it, they open the box and inside is Ken and Barbie.
31:02LAUGHTER
31:03The one in the middle there is from the distant past when people were smaller.
31:08LAUGHTER
31:10I'd say you're from the 1400s.
31:15LAUGHTER
31:17This is adult wassailing.
31:19You would go door to door and you would sing and you would offer alcoholic drinks from
31:22a wassail bowl, that's what she's holding there, in return for gifts.
31:26She's saying, we are Bananarama.
31:28LAUGHTER
31:30I don't think I'd like some random man knocking on the door asking for money
31:34to look in the box.
31:36No!
31:37LAUGHTER
31:38Who likes to look in my box?
31:39LAUGHTER
31:40OK, moving along.
31:41Why did Oliver Cromwell ban Christmas?
31:46Don't tell anyone, right?
31:48But he was a Muslim.
31:50LAUGHTER
31:51CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
32:00Damn you!
32:02LAUGHTER
32:03Anybody else?
32:04Erm...
32:05Oh, I thought I was going to think of something.
32:07LAUGHTER
32:09Nothing came out.
32:11Imagine you're meeting the Queen.
32:13Yeah.
32:14LAUGHTER
32:16What's he doing there?
32:17He feels like he's signalling to someone holding his ear.
32:19So the answer is that he didn't ban Christmas.
32:22Yeah, no, a while.
32:23You might want to check again because, yeah, he did.
32:25No, it's a Christmas myth.
32:27Truth is, he actually quite liked a party.
32:29He enjoyed smoking and drinking.
32:31Scandalously, he allowed dancing at his daughter's wedding.
32:34So he wasn't anti-party.
32:36The Christmas ban started with the Scottish Presbyterians.
32:39So they had been discouraging Christmas celebrations for years,
32:42since 1583.
32:43And the Puritans needed the Scottish support.
32:45So it's his party that were trying to keep the Scots calm
32:50and it wasn't Cromwell himself who thought,
32:52let's get rid of Christmas.
32:53There are parts of the country where they didn't pay any attention
32:55at all.
32:56So Devon and Cornwall, for example, they just carried on.
32:58They probably hadn't heard about it.
32:59LAUGHTER
33:00When do you think Christmas Day became a holiday in Scotland?
33:03I'll give you ten points if you're within the right decade.
33:061974.
33:07Not far.
33:08What?
33:0959.
33:10You win.
33:1158.
33:12Yes, absolutely.
33:13APPLAUSE
33:15So it wasn't a holiday in Scotland?
33:17It wasn't a holiday until 1958.
33:18Until 1958?
33:19Yeah.
33:20Mm-hm.
33:21Anyway, moving on.
33:22Why were Christmas Day weddings so popular in the past?
33:30Snow.
33:31Is it one of those things where, like,
33:34if you have your wedding on Christmas,
33:36you can't forget your anniversary?
33:38LAUGHTER
33:39Do you forget your anniversary?
33:41Do you forget your anniversary?
33:42Yeah.
33:43Yeah.
33:44But if you get married at Christmas,
33:46it feels like that or Valentine's,
33:48it's also one gift.
33:49Yeah.
33:50Great.
33:51Are you married?
33:52May I ask?
33:53Are you married?
33:54No, no, no.
33:55We're just friends.
33:56LAUGHTER
33:57I mean, we're getting on great.
33:58Yeah.
33:59No, I've been married and divorced twice
34:01because I don't learn the first time.
34:03Third time lucky, is that what we're saying?
34:05No, I'm sick of these people.
34:07LAUGHTER
34:10That was not either of her husbands.
34:12LAUGHTER
34:13Imagine if it turned out to be both.
34:15LAUGHTER
34:16I've married her twice, I'm a master of disguise.
34:19I'm Moroccan and we have a saying, we say,
34:22if it rains on your wedding day, then it means it's going to turn out bad.
34:26And that's why it rained on both my weddings.
34:28In...in Morocco?
34:29Yeah.
34:30Yeah.
34:31Not famous for its rain, is it?
34:32No.
34:34Julian, are you married, don't you?
34:35Yes, my husband slipped his finger into my ring.
34:38LAUGHTER
34:40About eight years ago now.
34:43Congratulations.
34:44Aww.
34:45But anyway, getting back to the question.
34:46Yes.
34:47LAUGHTER
34:48Why get married on Christmas Day?
34:49Everyone's got the day off.
34:50Unless they've got it.
34:51Because it's...
34:52LAUGHTER
34:53Is the correct answer.
34:54Ah!
34:55I was about to say that.
34:56I'm so sorry.
34:57LAUGHTER
34:58You buzzer and say it and then loads it in.
35:00Wait, that's it.
35:01Well, pretend he hasn't said it.
35:02What were you going to say, Julian?
35:03No, don't patronise me.
35:04LAUGHTER
35:05APPLAUSE
35:11It's because they didn't have many days off.
35:13Yeah.
35:14So Christmas Day was off.
35:15What better day?
35:16Exactly right.
35:17Christmas Day and Boxing Day were the sort of days that you...
35:19Very clever boy, Julian.
35:20LAUGHTER
35:21Yes, you are.
35:22Yes, you are a clever boy.
35:24So it was a very popular time.
35:26In fact, churches would give discounted rates
35:28if multiple couples got married at the same time.
35:30This is a picture at St George Church in London.
35:32In 1920.
35:33She's got stars on her head.
35:35The third one from the left.
35:36Why has she got two stars?
35:38Oh, yeah.
35:39A trip advisor.
35:40They made their own.
35:41LAUGHTER
35:42It's a trip advisor thing.
35:43She's not great.
35:44LAUGHTER
35:45In 1913, the Guardian reported that Church and Stepney
35:49had married 25 couples all on the same day.
35:51Mmm.
35:52Now, it's almost time for the bum note that we call general ignorance,
35:56but this year I have some friends to help me with the questions.
35:59Please welcome the QI Choir,
36:01under the direction of John Riddell.
36:03Take it away.
36:04APPLAUSE
36:10Hey!
36:11APPLAUSE
36:12I want to be...
36:13very lovely.
36:14APPLAUSE
36:15APPLAUSE
36:16What a question.
36:17What occasion was this chance to do?
36:19was this tune composed for?
36:20Snowy.
36:21Jazza
36:46What occasion was this tune composed for oh, yes
36:51Easter the John Lewis Christmas at home alone when the thieves breaking in well
36:59that is true it is in home alone yes but that's not what it was composed for it's
37:05after Christmas what comes after Christmas twelfth night Boxing Day Easter
37:10Mother's Day New Year yes yes Alan it's New Year's exactly right what do we call
37:19this tune does anyone in the audience know this is exactly right but it was
37:25originally a Ukrainian folk song for New Year's Eve it was called shed rock
37:30which means bountiful evening so the lyrics and nothing to do with bells nothing
37:34to do with Christmas it's actually about a swallow visiting a home and delivering
37:37luck for the new year the very first modern arrangement was 1919 a Ukrainian
37:42composer called Mikulai Leon tovich and then a Ukrainian American called Peter
37:47Wilhouse key and he rearranged it and added the English lyrics and renamed it
37:50Carol of the bells in 1922 but it has always been associated with Christmas
37:54ever since let's have another tune who sang this song in the 1982 animated film the
37:59snowman
38:04we're walking in the air we're floating in the moon it's gone
38:11snow it's off who was it Ali Jones
38:15it was written by Howard Blake specifically for the film but it was actually sung by a choir boy named Peter Orti there he is he's now professional operatic tenor but he didn't get any credit in the film because they forgot to put his name on
38:331985 the song was used in an advert for Toys R Us and it had to be
38:37re-recorded but in this guy Peter Orti's voice had already broken and so a new
38:41version was sung by Alan Jones and that was released and that became a huge hit and
38:45that is why we think Alan Jones sang it in the film but it isn't actually him
38:49here's another song that was originally written for New Year but what is the
38:54first line
39:07what you gonna say
39:09la la la la la la la def me
39:29I know I didn't say Bert so I don't know why you buzz me
39:32Well, I don't know. Is it Tis the Season to be Johnny?
39:36I think it's Ant in Deck with Phil and Holly.
39:41So, I asked for the original lyrics,
39:45and it's an Old Welsh tune called Nosgallen or New Year.
39:49The oldest version of the lyrics are translated into English as this.
39:53Oh, I like that.
40:16Oh, how soft my fair one's bosom. Absolute filth.
40:24Finally, have a listen to this.
40:29Now, who wrote it and what instrument is performing the lead melody?
40:39Is it the Nutcracker? It is the Nutcracker, you're absolutely right.
40:42Tchaikovsky? Tchaikovsky is very good. And the oboe?
40:45It's not an oboe.
40:46Harpsichord?
40:47We're nearer with the harpsichord.
40:49Triangle.
40:57It's the Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy from Tchaikovsky's The Nutcracker.
41:01It's played on a celester. There it is, a celester.
41:05If you lift that up, you can take a shit in it.
41:08If you lift it up, Sandy talks things in it.
41:09I'm busy.
41:10Celester, it comes from the French word for heavenly.
41:11So it looks like a piano, but when you press the keys, hammers hit metal plates with wooden
41:26resonators underneath. It gives it a sort of soft, almost like a triangle.
41:30It was invented in 1886 by a Parisian organ maker, Charles Victor Mustel, and his son Auguste.
41:36And Tchaikovsky ordered one immediately.
41:38Does anybody know what a sugar plum is? It's the dance of the sugar plum fairy.
41:43Isn't it a thing that hangs off a tree? Christmas tree that you can eat?
41:47Yes, it's exactly right. It's a kind of sweet. It's what's called a comfit.
41:50It's a seed, a nut or a berry, which has got layers of hard sugar on it.
41:54And I will give ten points to anybody who can tell me where we saw sugar plums
41:59at the beginning of the show.
42:01Oh, now they were mentioned on one of the adverts that came up earlier.
42:07You're exactly right. It was for your anodyne necklace.
42:09Yeah, look, sugar plums for well.
42:10You get ten points. Very, very, very well done.
42:20At the top of the advert it says sugar plums for worms,
42:23and it was thought to be a cure for intestinal worms.
42:26It was widely believed they might kill the tooth worms as well
42:29that caused toothache. So, well spotted, darling.
42:32I've read it all.
42:34No, I love that you've actually remembered something.
42:36Now it's time to look at our scores.
42:39Let's see who's top of the nice list and who's on thin ice.
42:43Pretty sure I nailed this.
42:45Joy to the world in first place with 16 points, it's Alan.
42:50Don't worry, ski happy. In second place with minus nine, it's Julian.
43:04Nobody's perfect in third place with minus 27, Fatia.
43:17And in last place, a lost clause with minus 29, Jimmy.
43:22So, it's a big thank you to Fatia, Jimmy, Julian and Alan,
43:34and a very merry Christmas from all of us.
43:36Let's all go and join the choir and sing. Off you go, people.
43:40Let's go.
43:41Let's go.
43:42Let's go.
43:43Let's go.
43:44Let's go.
43:45Let's go.
43:46Let's go.
43:47Let's go.
43:48Let's go.
43:49Let's go.
43:50Let's go.
43:51Let's go.
43:52Let's go.
43:53Let's go.
44:05Merry Christmas, everybody!
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