- 25 minutes ago
QI XL S23E09 Winter Wonderland
Category
😹
FunTranscript
00:00Good evening!
00:29Merry Christmas and welcome to QI where we are walking in a winter wonderland let's meet our windswept wanderers driving home for Christmas. It's Julian Clary
00:44It's Fatia El Gorey
00:50It's Jimmy Carr
00:56Reindeer in the headlights. It's Alan Davis
00:59Thank you
01:04Let's hear their wintry buzzers Julian goes
01:12Fatia goes
01:14Frosty the snowman
01:16I was ready for a bit more. I thought it was a bit tight. It's Christmas. Hello. Yeah
01:21Jimmy goes
01:23Snow let it snow let it snow
01:25And Alan goes
01:27Why does it always rain on me
01:31Right let's start by looking under your desks. I have some Christmas presents for you all
01:39Sandy
01:41Yes, what each year. Yeah, you give us presents. I do. Yeah, and this year I have a present for you. Oh, okay
01:50Applause, please
01:58This is from all of us
02:00Okay
02:01And who wrapped it?
02:03Don't worry about the wrapping. The wrapping is fine
02:05Don't worry about it. Right. Why am I likely to be delighted by this gift exactly the way it's been presented?
02:11And that looks like a child has wrapped it
02:15And so maybe from
02:19From the heart
02:20Yeah
02:21I never want to get a present where I have to get an implement to open it
02:24Yeah, you've got to get scissors out
02:25You've got to get a pen knife or something to get into it. I don't like that
02:28This is better
02:30You could actually probably blow on it and it would open
02:32I think you're probably right
02:34So there was an American writer called Drusilla Lowry
02:37And she wrote a book called the art of wrapping gifts, right?
02:40And she said that a sloppily wrapped package indicates poor taste and indifference or lack of skill
02:45But there was a study done in 2019 University of Nevada and they found the opposite
02:50People actually react rather better to a poorly wrapped present because they have a much lower expectation of what's inside
02:58I don't like getting gifts
03:00Do you not? Why?
03:01No, because people then expect gratitude and I didn't rarely feel any
03:07Keep your gift
03:08Do you prefer to give or receive?
03:10Gift
03:12Can we just clip that and put it on TikTok?
03:16I'm going to see what it is and did you choose it yourself?
03:18Yeah, yeah, yeah
03:19Okay
03:20Jimmy help
03:22Oh, look
03:24It's a waffle iron
03:25That's so lovely
03:26There you go
03:27I love that
03:28Thank you
03:33So this effect of responding better to poorly wrapped presents
03:36It's true if you get it from a stranger or if you get it from a close friend, right?
03:40Where we don't like a poorly wrapped present is when it's from an acquaintance
03:43Oh
03:44I'm trying to shake off acquaintances
03:47You're either in or you're out
03:48Yeah, exactly
03:49Is that right?
03:50It is
03:51It is
03:58That's the spirit
04:00I think that will run all evening, don't you?
04:03Well, I'm sure there's an ointment for it
04:07But if it's an acquaintance, apparently people prefer it to be neatly wrapped because then they feel that that person has taken some time about it
04:13When they say to you in the store, would you like that wrapped?
04:16Hmm
04:17Should you say yes or no?
04:18I sometimes think that really shows that you don't give a toss
04:22Yeah, you get somebody else to do it
04:23It really does
04:24You just get them to do it with the scissors and the ribbon
04:27If someone gives you a poorly wrapped present
04:30Yeah, then that means you can give them a poorly wrapped present
04:32So I don't mind
04:33Yeah, or you can just wrap it up the same again and give it back
04:35Or sometimes what I do is throw it in the bin and then they come and visit me and then I go
04:39Can you put this in the bin, please? And then they see their present then they know it's shit
04:44My mother once gave me the ugliest kitchen clock I've ever seen in my whole life
04:48Anyway, Terry Wogan in those days doing the Wogan show and he asked for ugly things you'd received
04:53That they could sell off for children in need as a joke, right?
04:56So I sent this clock in
04:58Well, if my mother's there she says let's watch the Wogan show
05:02And the thing comes on and I can see the clock in front of him and I pretended I was having a seizure
05:12Anyway, I did receive an absolutely fantastic gift, which I want to show you
05:16So I just want to handle this very very carefully
05:18I'm just gonna bring these gloves
05:20Are you going to give me an enema?
05:24So look at this marvellous box that we've got here and when I open it up inside
05:31This is a Saints relic, okay?
05:34This is Saint Wolfstan
05:36You'll like this patron saint of vegetarians and peasants
05:40It looks like a chicken bone
05:41It does
05:42Okay
05:43It is a chicken bone from one of the researchers lunches today
05:46It is
05:48What I was trying to prove is what they call the reliquy effect
05:52So if you show a random bone and you put it in a marvellous reliquy case
05:56People will think it is much more valuable than it is if it's just a chicken bone
06:02Which is in fact what it was
06:03That's a bit like you know when I wear makeup
06:04Yes
06:06Well there was a time when perfectly ordinary brown paper was used
06:09I'm going to put the put my relic away
06:11Brown paper was used a lot in shops to wrap presents
06:141910s paper commonly used in American grocery stores and the newspaper started to write editorials against the practice
06:21So why might that be 1910s?
06:24Where are we heading for 1910?
06:26The war?
06:27World War I
06:28You need paper
06:29It's essential for war
06:30And it was becoming increasingly expensive
06:32And I think they thought if you could reduce demand
06:35By trying to get people to stop having their things wrapped
06:38Nevertheless in this country
06:39Each year we use 227,000 miles of wrapping paper
06:45Oh good little murmur there
06:47Yeah
06:48It's enough wrapping paper to go around the earth nine times
06:51The amount of card used in Christmas cards every year could stretch between London and Lapland over a hundred times
06:57I mean it's a lot of paper that we use
06:59Yeah
07:00Most of it can't be recycled
07:01No
07:02I don't know what the Christmas card thing
07:03I don't know what the etiquette is meant to be
07:04I'm the same with birthday cards
07:05How long are you meant to keep it?
07:06Are you meant to read it and pop it straight in the bin?
07:09Or
07:10I like the ones where people have done the photo themselves
07:12And I love a round robin
07:14Oh a round robin
07:15We were very pleased that the footings for the Conservatory have gone in
07:18Wow
07:20This tells you that they've buried a relative
07:23We've got a new patio
07:26You know my uncle is a proper tight prick yeah
07:32I swear down one day on my birthday I got a card
07:35And I'd opened it and he tip-exed out happy Christmas and put happy birthday
07:40And there was a robin on the front I was like we're Muslim for God's sake
07:44What are you doing?
07:45What are you doing?
07:46I quite like that
07:47I like to go and buy like a happy retirement card for a sixth birthday
07:51I just do it
07:52My grand would do that
07:54She would get a card and tear it in half
07:57Yeah
07:58And give you the picture bit just written on the back
08:01And claimed that it was because during the war you had to be frugal
08:05Right
08:06And it's 1976, Grant
08:08But why can't you recycle most Christmas cards?
08:10Potential?
08:11Yeah, it's all the glitter and all the extra bits and pieces
08:14There's metallic materials, shiny laminates and that kind of thing
08:17Do you know there's a trend happening at the minute, yeah?
08:20Probably not
08:23What women are doing and girls are like spraying their cells of glitter
08:26Yeah
08:27And then if your man's cheating you'll find glitter on him
08:30And then you know it's not you and you know he's cheating
08:32And then you bust his arse up
08:34Wow
08:35So you're spraying yourself in glitter and then if he's cheating you'll know
08:37She'll know, the other women will know
08:40Oh
08:41Does it not cause chafing?
08:45I don't think that's the main worry, Julie
08:48Right, that's Christmas wrapping all tied up with a bow
08:51But I do have presents for all of you as well
08:53If you would look underneath your desks, please
08:56I've gone with a sort of theme of wellness with these
09:00So Alan Loda, why don't we start with you?
09:03It's easy to undo, you see
09:05I know, yep
09:06Easy to undo, nice bit of ribbon
09:08There we go
09:10Beads
09:11Yeah, so why might you give beads to somebody?
09:15Because
09:19Because you don't really like them
09:21Because you're obligated
09:24Because you work with them and you have to think of something
09:26Because these were at the back of your drawer
09:28So what I can tell you is that all of your gifts are from early Christmas adverts
09:33So yours was first advertised in 1728 and it's called an anodyne necklace
09:39Actually this advert for it is from 1756 a little tiny bit later on
09:43So this is the weirdest thing
09:44These necklaces contained a poisonous plant called henbane
09:48It's also known as stinking nightshave
09:50It was meant to help children with teething pain
09:54At this time one in three children in England would not expect to reach their fifth birthday
10:01And teething pain was seen as a sort of sign of something much more serious and possibly something fatal
10:05So they claimed that if you wore one of these anodyne necklaces
10:08Curative substances would flow from it into the skin up into the mouth and so on
10:12You didn't have to chew on it, which was just as well
10:15Because it is actually a poison
10:17But it did seem to work
10:20Even though there's no medical reason for it
10:22Why do you think it might have worked?
10:24It was quite expensive
10:26There's five shillings for one
10:28It's one of those things where you tell people it's going to be good for you
10:31And then it works
10:32I think it is partly that Julian
10:34But also it is the fact that infant mortality rates were lower
10:37Amongst rich people and it was only rich people
10:40Who were able to buy them
10:42We used to give the kids bicky pegs
10:44What, for the teething?
10:46For the teething
10:47And then I don't know what it was
10:48And then
10:49And it would sort of gradually get smaller and smaller
10:52Like a dog biscuit
10:53Like a good dog biscuit that lasts
10:55Yeah
10:56You know
10:57Sounds like you're giving the kids dog biscuits
10:59Yeah
11:00I know what you're talking about
11:02It's like cork, innit?
11:04That's a good idea though
11:05Have a bottle of wine and give the children the cork
11:07Give the children the cork
11:09But rich people like Augusta
11:11Princess of Wales
11:12Her daughter Queen Caroline
11:13Of Denmark and Norway
11:14Who's the one on the left there
11:15In very small quantities
11:17This particular thing
11:18Henbane that was in it
11:19It is a mild sedative
11:21If you have more than 3 grams
11:23It can cause constipation
11:24Manic episodes
11:25Hallucinations
11:26And possible death
11:27Is this a replica or
11:29Yes, darling
11:30We also didn't want to kill Alan
11:32I mean
11:33Not till the Z series
11:35Don't miss that episode
11:38We are going to need a big finish
11:41Yeah
11:42Right Julian, do you want to open yours, darling?
11:44Ah
11:45Have you pushed the boat out?
11:47This is from a Christmas ad from 1825
11:50Oh
11:51What is it?
11:53It's macassar oil
11:55So do you know about macassar oil?
11:56Oh, I'm sure you're going to tell me
11:58Have you heard of anti-macassars, darling?
12:01Anti-macassar
12:02Yes
12:03What does that mean?
12:04It was a sort of a piece of cloth
12:06That sat on the back of the train
12:07Oh
12:08I thought it was a band
12:09From Camden Town
12:10Which is quite a good name for a band, isn't it?
12:12It doesn't smell
12:13Is that because you would have had oily
12:15Yeah
12:16People wouldn't wash their hair
12:17It's to stop the oil from the back of your head
12:18Going onto the train seat
12:19And it's called an anti-macassar
12:21Macassar oil
12:22Comes originally from the ebony trees in Indonesia
12:24But this was a much cheaper blend of vegetable oils
12:27Palm oils and coconuts
12:28So it's the 19th century equivalent of hair gel
12:31Pure grease is undoubtedly
12:33The best nourisher of the hair
12:35Yeah
12:36It's supposed to be very, very good for you
12:37Tell my daughter that
12:38Good luck
12:40Do you want to apply some?
12:43Yes
12:44Go on then
12:45Open your hand
12:46At times I've said that
12:51Now, there you are
12:52But you have to follow it by saying
12:53Here's some oil
12:55Right, go on then
12:56It's a lovely colour
12:58What is that?
12:59You've got to run your fingers through
13:00How to do that?
13:01The thing is, Sandy
13:02What will happen if I do that is
13:03Yeah
13:04We'll stop the show
13:05And the makeup department will come on
13:06Yeah
13:07Really fucked off
13:08Yeah
13:13You know those people
13:14Can you imagine the language back there now?
13:16They're watching on the monitor
13:17Yeah
13:18Don't you dare put your fingers through that hair
13:19Don't touch your hair
13:20Don't touch your hair
13:21Don't touch your hair
13:30I quite like it
13:31Oh, it is whiffy
13:32Does it smell nice?
13:33Well, I lied
13:34That's an exchange you've had before
13:35Right, Jimmy, come on, let's see what you've got
13:36You were five minutes in and you've lubed him up
13:37OK, you've not pushed the boat out here
13:38This looks fine
13:39So this, again, this is something from the past
13:411857
13:42Well, that's some pills of some description
13:43OK, so these are from Mr. Page Woodcock of Lincoln
13:45So there were two Christmas adverts for wind pills to treat indigestion
13:49To cure wind or to give you more
13:50Well, so it depended on which advert that you had a look at
13:51So the very first advert claimed that the pills would conjure happy festive memories
13:53So this is the Christmas advert
13:54The second was the first time
13:55What?
13:56Okay, you've not pushed the boat out here
13:59OK, you've not pushed the boat out here
14:00So this is something from the past 1857
14:02Well, that's some pills of some description
14:03OK, so these are from Mr. Page Woodcock of Lincoln
14:05So there were two Christmas adverts for wind pills to treat indigestion
14:08Cure wind or to give you more?
14:10Well, so it depended on which advert that you had a look at.
14:12So the very first advert claimed that the pills would conjure happy festive memories.
14:17So this is the Christmas advert.
14:19The second was the Boxing Day advert, which was inspired by A Christmas Carol.
14:23It said the pills would cure people haunted by the Christmas ghost of indigestion.
14:27So if you took them on Christmas Day, made you happy.
14:30If you took them on Boxing Day, got rid of indigestion.
14:33Those are your basic happy pills that we've given you.
14:36Lovely.
14:37Yeah.
14:37Should we smash them up and do a line?
14:41I'm very concerned about those two children in the hot air balloon.
14:45Sent off unaccompanied.
14:47Well, not just that, not dressed.
14:49Are they the ones with the wind? Is that what we think?
14:52You can still get wind pills, they're called Windies.
14:55Yes, you can.
14:55And I actually promise you that my wife did buy me some for Christmas fun.
14:58Which really, really amused the children.
15:02I said, stop listening at the door, go to another room.
15:04Did it work?
15:06I haven't tried them, actually.
15:09Could you?
15:10I should, yeah.
15:11I really should.
15:13Right, Fatih, come on.
15:14Yes.
15:15Mine's the biggest one here.
15:161830 is this one.
15:18This better not be like a gym or some shit like that, yeah?
15:21Oh, no, no, we don't do fitness, you're fine.
15:23Because I'll go mad, I think.
15:36Merry Christmas.
15:38LAUGHTER
15:38Can you imagine if I should do that?
15:43Should I do a rental service?
15:44Yeah, you can write me I'll hide in your toilet
15:50Christmas advert for a toilet appeared in several publications in the 1830s was a man called Robert Wyss there it is
15:56And he said it was the perfect gift for Christmas and New Year's. It's a portable
16:02Self-acting water closet, so it's a kind of commode. They used to be known as thunder boxes
16:07Because Alan used to go in
16:09So it looks like a cabinet from the outside and then when you open it up
16:13It's got a commode on the inside a chamber pot. That is the worst James Bond gadget
16:19What did they do before just had a sort of a bowl under the bed, you know
16:23But this had a system with stored water and you could actually flush the waste out of the pot and it went into a concealed hidden bucket
16:30Which was then emptied by the staff discreet. Yes, exactly exactly. I mean you say discreet portable
16:36So presumably people would see you in the high street with it
16:39What's he doing with that cupboard? He seems to be shitting in it
16:45During lockdowns, I like to go for a really long walk. I bought a portable toilet tent
16:49And it was it was like a big
16:53You didn't do that
16:55I did, I did
16:57Well, no, what it was was it was a pop-up thing
17:00It was a flat circle and you just popped it and popped up and like the size of a telephone booth
17:05And I thought this was marvelous and then you went in you have to sing when you're in there in case someone comes along
17:09Well telling it was great apart from when it blew over outside
17:16Outside the Tower of London
17:21You come across the tent wandering round always have a little look inside because it could be
17:25Sandy talks for technician
17:29Okay presents away, please
17:31What's most dangerous a lion a witch or a wardrobe definitely a witch?
17:42Would a lion be scared of a witch so you could reason with a lion
17:48So enjoy that. That's a show we'd all watch I think
17:54Hi, welcome to Reason with a Lion
17:58And the witch if she's in a good mood you could get away with it
18:02But if a wardrobe fell on you then you'd be in trouble
18:04And that is the correct answer my darling absolutely right
18:06So the wonderful book the lion the witch and the wardrobe by
18:10C.S. Lewis dedicated to Lucy Barfield and Maud Lucy's mother was extremely worried that children would go looking for Narnia and get stuck inside a wardrobe
18:18So he had to put some extra lines of text in and every time you'll notice in the book somebody goes through the wardrobe
18:24He says they took care to leave the door ajar and CS Lewis does say it's a very silly thing to lock oneself in a wardrobe
18:30But apparently we are facing an accident crisis written loses ten times more working days to domestic accidents than we do to strikes so driving accidents have significantly decreased in the past 20 years
18:46But pretty much all other accidents have increased
18:50Falls are by far the biggest culprit. Why do you think we might be having more and more falls?
18:56Because there's more stairs. Oh, I like that. We've had a tremendous increase in stairs. Yes
19:03Well, if I have an accident slightly to be on the stairs or sometimes I open the fridge door and hit myself on the head
19:13This is gonna be the worst ever episode of Miss Marple
19:17It's the aging population. Oh, it's the old people
19:19And there's that terrible fact about if you break a hip as well
19:22You're better off having stage four cancer than a broken hip
19:25Really? Why?
19:26It's in Peter Attia's book on longevity
19:29If you break a hip, it's very very bad news
19:31Why are you reading books on longevity now?
19:34I've had a lot of work done
19:37My face is like Trigger's broom
19:39There we learned the original still there
19:43In 2016, so this is according to the National Accident Helpline
19:48One in 75 people surveyed had been injured while shopping in a sales rush
19:54One in 50 people reported falling out of the loft while retrieving Christmas decorations
19:59One in 90 people had suffered burns while roasting chestnuts on an open fire
20:03One in 50 had fallen out of the loft
20:06Yeah, I know
20:07It's an extraordinarily high number
20:09Yeah, what do you think is the gift in recent years has caused the most accidents?
20:12Knives
20:16I bought you a very sharp knife
20:19Sandwich maker
20:20Yes, you could trap your finger in the thing
20:22E-scooters
20:23Is exactly right, darling
20:24My nephew's
20:26E-scooter
20:27Nearly died
20:28He cut the back of his ankle and he cut an artery
20:30What?
20:31And then, yeah, he nearly died
20:33Foolish boy!
20:35I mean, 416 people seriously injured in 2023
20:39And 965 slightly injured, 338 fires
20:43Still a lot more people falling out of the loft though, isn't it?
20:47What's the worst or most embarrassing accident anybody here has ever had?
20:51Oh, you're counting soiling yourself
20:54I mean, we are now
20:55I've got a soiling myself story, if you'd like to
21:01Go for it, darling
21:03Well, I've told this story before, I think last time I was on this show, but
21:07It's so long ago, darling
21:08No, I mean
21:09It's in colour now
21:10Anyway
21:13But no
21:15Beat this
21:16I once
21:17I once shat myself
21:20While meeting the Queen
21:27It's a Royal Variety show
21:28Yeah
21:29And you had to queue up and, you know, she came and shakes your hand
21:34And I don't know if it was nerves or I'd had a bit of trouble, I can't remember
21:38But it was only a little pellet
21:44But that's a true story
21:47Let's hear you're soiling yourself
21:52I can remember doing a little pellet as a child
21:55And it came out of my trouser leg
21:59Is that what happened to you?
22:00Yes
22:01It's shot across the stage
22:07In the general direction of Claire Sweeney
22:11This story's got everything
22:13I've got a poo story
22:15Go on then
22:16I was going to tell a story about
22:17Shaving
22:19And now you
22:20Are you going to go with the poo?
22:21Yeah, I want to go with the poo
22:22Shaving is too long
22:23Can I just say to me, I don't have a poo story
22:25This will be the last one
22:27Oh, I cut my
22:29Scroton with
22:31Is this at the Royal Variety Performance?
22:37Is this at the Royal Variety Performance?
22:41Shaking hands with the Queen
22:42And trying to shave my balls at the same time
22:45You know how that goes
22:46I was alone
22:47Sure
22:48To do a podcast
22:49And there was a company
22:50That's
22:51There are lots and lots of podcasts about football
22:53Nearly all by boys
22:54And mostly listened to by boys
22:55Anyway
22:56They started sending these shaving kits
22:58Around
22:59Giving the shaving kits
23:00For shaving your undercarriage with
23:02And we were all
23:03Sort of in the 40s and 50s
23:05And thought what?
23:06People are doing what now?
23:08Anyway
23:09Anyway
23:10I tried it
23:11And I cut myself on this shirt
23:13And I thought this shouldn't be possible
23:15It's got all this kind of protective thing on it
23:18But I got a little bit carried away
23:21And that is the most embarrassing accident
23:23And now you've made me say it on the Christmas show
23:25I'll tell you where you went wrong
23:31You need to stretch the skin
23:33That's what it is
23:34You just went like this
23:35Because you're lazy
23:36But you need to stretch the skin
23:37Trust me I know
23:38I'm Arab
23:39I know about hair
23:41Thank you so much for doing mine
23:44I couldn't room in that bathroom to get that smooth
23:46You need two people like that if you were folding a sheet
23:57Two people pulling it out and one other person with a lawnmower
24:05I can't believe I'm stopping this fascinating conversation
24:09So hear yours about poo
24:10So yeah
24:11I was like seven or something
24:12And then we went on a school trip to a farm
24:14And I wanted to do a poo
24:16But the teacher goes go on your own to the toilet
24:17And I was like no
24:19So I just shit in my pants
24:21And then like I sat in here
24:22And I had it in my pants all day
24:24And all the kids
24:25Shut up
24:26All the kids
24:28I wouldn't mess with her
24:30All the kids were like
24:31Oh there's a
24:32We can smell poo
24:33And I was like oh yeah
24:34I wonder who it is
24:35Maybe it's the stinky kid
24:36And when I got home
24:37My mum put me in the bath
24:38And it was stuck to my skin
24:39She had to soak me
24:40And then put it off with a butter knife
24:42Merry Christmas everyone
24:45Merry Christmas
24:46Once went on a coach trip
24:47Oh please don't
24:48And the driver was a huge man
24:53Really really big man
24:55And he pulled over on a hard shoulder
24:57And he got out of his cab
24:58And he made his way down the aisle
25:00And he thought what's going on
25:01And he went down the stairs into the loo
25:03And eventually he re-emerged
25:06And he said
25:07He re-emerged
25:08And he said
25:09No one can use the toilet
25:10It's full
25:11Oh my God
25:12And he said
25:13Oh my God
25:14Oh my God
25:15Oh my God
25:16Oh my God
25:17Oh my God
25:18Anybody in the audience
25:19Want to talk about
25:20Oh my God
25:21Oh my God
25:22Now I've got everybody a bowl of Christmas walnuts. Is it can anybody you know
25:28There's that thing where you crush two in your hand and you're oh, I've just done it
25:46Yeah, I know the I know the trick so what you do is you put one there and then put the other one next to it
25:51And then you just go like that and then it opens
25:55Yeah, it will just just I mean it will so hasn't
26:00Stop flirting with me
26:12It's a bit like the Patsy if you don't know who the stinky kid is it's you
26:16I've done it by the way look congratulations. Yeah. Yeah, it's a mess, but I've done it
26:23Why is it so hard to find a walnuts anus?
26:28What have I just eaten?
26:31Are they heterosexual walnuts it depends what kind of walnut we're talking about
26:36I'm looking at the walnut, but this is not the kind of walnut. Is it there you've done this game before haven't you?
26:42Oh
26:44Kind of walnuts the ones in front of us the walnut bird
26:58It is a creature in the sea and they are called sea walnuts look at this
27:04They're also called warty comb jellies. It's not a jellyfish. It's a bit like a jellyfish. That's not jellyfish. No
27:11Yeah, I'm not sure who you're talking to
27:14But that my friend is a jellyfish. So why isn't it a jellyfish? I'm telling you I'm telling you it is
27:18No, well, the reason that we know it isn't is because it does have an anus
27:25So if it was a jellyfish it wouldn't but what is extraordinary about them is that these are transient
27:31Anuses what do we think that means it moves around well, it's only there for a very short time
27:37They only create one on a temporary basis when they need to poo so when it needs to go the digestive system
27:45Fuses with its skin to form an opening
27:47It does a poo and the opening then closes in a matter of minutes and they do this about once an hour
27:52Unless they're a very very young one in which case is about every 10 minutes. So it is a jellyfish most of the time. No, it isn't
27:58You're saying once an hour it isn't a jellyfish briefly wonder why they do that though
28:05What's in it? What's in it for them what to do to have a permanent asshole?
28:10I think it's that they're not so vulnerable darling. I think it's that it's basically it you know
28:14It's an exit for them and an entrance for others. Well, tell me about it
28:17When you think about it though, it would be practical if you're on, I don't know, let's say a school trip perhaps
28:29Just create an asshole and then gone again
28:31Yeah, just to not have one the whole time
28:33Because you know, accidents happen
28:36A long walk to the toilet, maybe I'll just shit myself
28:41Jellyfish don't have anuses. They expel their waste through the mouth
28:44So it's the difference between the two. How do you know it's its mouth? What's it saying?
28:49I mean, I think people have studied this. There's a fantastic
28:52There's an amazing American zoologist called Libby Hyman and it was because she noticed that these particular creatures the sea walnuts have
28:59These transient anuses what she realized that they were not the same as jellyfish. I don't even think that's a real person Libby Hyman
29:06Sounds made up. She's from a limerick
29:08Oh, I've got Libby Hyman, have you? Still intact, but you horse ride
29:17Now this picture is a wassail box
29:25It's a traditional Christmas item. You would have to pay to look inside
29:30What will you give me to look inside a penny?
29:33Penny, I like the idea. Penny for the guy
29:35A penny would be fine. There was a Christmas tradition called a wassail, but where?
29:39Where?
29:40Yes, Yorkshire was very common
29:43Newcastle, doesn't it?
29:44Well, it's actually a scandinavian thing
29:46So you would ask for some money and then you would show what's inside what do you think is in the box that they're going to show
29:51It's a music box
29:53No, let's have a look on the picture
29:55This was the Christmas tradition that
29:56June wickfield
30:02It's in the kids version two tiny dolls representing the virgin mary and the baby jesus and that's not the real virgin mary and baby jesus
30:09Yes, this is the real
30:13Smaller than you think
30:15Do you think people were smaller?
30:20Because
30:22My children are really getting really big
30:26My daughter's taller than nearly all of us
30:29So it's if you really went backwards through time
30:33With people getting a little bit smaller a little bit smaller a little bit smaller that probably is how big virgin mary was
30:39You know you're going to ask why alan doesn't sit in this chair
30:48Now i was going to say he's hot today in it
30:52This tradition we don't know how old it is maybe 18th 19th century but it has carried on except in america
30:56I don't think they've really got the hang of it because sometimes when people do it they open the box of inside as ken and barbie
31:02The one in the middle there is from the distant past when people were small
31:13I'd say you're from the 1400s
31:18This is adult was sailing you go door to door and you would sing and you would offer alcoholic drinks from a wassail bowl
31:23That's what she's holding there in return for gifts. She's saying we are bananarama
31:30I don't think i'd like some random man knocking on the door asking for money to look in the box
31:36No
31:38Do you like to look in my box?
31:40Oh okay moving along
31:43Why did oliver cromwell ban christmas?
31:47Don't tell anyone right but he was a muslim
31:50I
31:58I
32:00I
32:02I
32:04Thought i was going to think of something
32:09Nothing came out imagine you're meeting the queen
32:17What's he doing there he feels like he's signaling to someone
32:19The answer is that he didn't
32:23Well, you might want to check again because EA did know it's a Christmas myth truth is he actually quite liked a party he enjoyed smoking and drinking
32:32Scandalously he allowed dancing at his daughter's wedding
32:35So he wasn't anti-party the Christmas ban started with the Scottish Presbyterians
32:40So they had been discouraging Christmas celebrations for years since 1583 and the Puritans needed the Scottish support
32:46So it's his party that we're trying to keep the Scots calm and it wasn't Cromwell himself who thought let's get rid of Christmas
32:54There are parts of the country where they didn't pay any attention at all. So Devon and Cornwall, for example
32:57They just carried on it probably hadn't heard about it
33:00When do you think Christmas Day became a holiday in Scotland? I give you ten points if you're within the right decade
33:071974 not far
33:1059 you win 58. Yes
33:12Absolutely
33:14So it wasn't a holiday in Scotland? It wasn't a holiday until 1958
33:18It was a holiday until 1958
33:19Yeah
33:20Mm-hmm
33:20Ha ha ha
33:21Ha ha ha
33:23Anyway, moving on, why were Christmas Day weddings so popular in the past?
33:29Snow
33:31Is it one of those things where, like, if you have your wedding on Christmas, you can't forget your anniversary?
33:37Do you forget yours then? Do you forget your anniversary?
33:42Yeah
33:43Yeah
33:44But if you get married at Christmas, it feels like that or Valentine's, you go, it's also one gift
33:48Yeah
33:49Great
33:50Are you married? May I ask? Are you married?
33:51No, no, no
33:52No, we're just friends
33:54I mean, we're getting on great
33:58Yeah
33:59I've been married and divorced twice because I don't learn the first time
34:03Third time lucky, is that what we're saying?
34:04No, I'm sick of these people
34:10That was not either of her husbands
34:13It'd be amazing if I turned out to be both
34:16I've married her twice, I'm a master of disguise
34:19I'm Moroccan and whenever we say if it rains on your wedding day then it means it's going to turn out bad
34:26And that's why it rained on both my weddings
34:29In Morocco?
34:30Yeah
34:31Not famous for its rain, is it?
34:33Julian, are you married, aren't you?
34:35Yes, my husband slipped his finger into my ring
34:41Eight years ago now
34:43Congratulations
34:44But anyway, getting back to the question
34:46Yes
34:48Why get married on Christmas Day?
34:49Everyone's got the day off
34:50Unless they've got it
34:53Is the correct answer
34:54Ah!
34:55I was about to say that
34:56I'm so sorry
35:00Wait, that's it
35:01Well, pretend he hasn't said it
35:02What were you going to say, Julian?
35:03No, don't patronise me
35:05I mean...
35:06APPLAUSE
35:11But the Christmas Day didn't have many days off
35:13Yeah
35:14So Christmas Day was off
35:15What better day?
35:16Exactly right
35:17Christmas Day and Boxing Day were the sort of days that you...
35:19Very clever boys, Julian
35:20Yes, you are
35:22Yes, you are a clever boy
35:24So it was a very popular time
35:26And in fact, churches would give discounted rates
35:28If multiple couples got married at the same time
35:30This is a picture at St George Church in London in 1920
35:34She's got stars on her head
35:36The third one from the left
35:37Why has she got two stars?
35:38Oh, yeah
35:39A trip advisor
35:40They made their own
35:41LAUGHTER
35:42It's a trip advisor thing
35:43She's not great
35:44LAUGHTER
35:47In 1913 the Guardian reported that Church and Stepney had married 25 couples all on the same day
35:52Mmm
35:53Now, it's almost time for the bum note that we call general ignorance
35:57But this year I have some friends to help me with the questions
36:00Please welcome the QI choir under the direction of John Riddell
36:03Take it away
36:04CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
36:06CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
36:08AND APPLAUSE
36:09AND APPLAUSE
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36:35AND APPLAUSE
36:36AND APPLAUSE
36:37AND APPLAUSE
36:38AND APPLAUSE
36:39APPLAUSE
36:45What occasion was this tune composed for?
36:49Oh. Yes, Julian.
36:51Easter.
36:54Is it the John Lewis Christmas ad?
36:56Home Alone When The Thieves Breaking In.
36:59Well, that is true. It is in Home Alone.
37:02Yes! But that's not what it was composed for.
37:04It's after Christmas. What comes after Christmas?
37:06Twelfth Night, Boxing Day, Easter.
37:10On the holiday. Mother's Day.
37:13New Year. Yes!
37:15Yes, Alan, it's New Year's. It's exactly right.
37:18What do we call this tune?
37:20Does anyone in the audience know this?
37:22Carol of the Bells is exactly right,
37:24but it was originally a Ukrainian folk song for New Year's Eve.
37:28It was called Shedrak, which means Bountiful Evening.
37:31So the lyrics are nothing to do with bells, nothing to do with Christmas.
37:34It's actually about a swallow, visiting a home and delivering luck for the New Year.
37:38The very first modern arrangement was 1919.
37:41A Ukrainian composer called Mikolai Leontovich,
37:44and then a Ukrainian-American called Peter Wilhouski.
37:47He rearranged it and added the English lyrics and renamed it Carol of the Bells in 1922.
37:51But it has always been associated with Christmas ever since.
37:54Let's have another tune.
37:55Who sang this song in the 1982 animated film The Snowman?
38:00We're walking in the air, we're floating in the moonlit sky.
38:13Julian's off. Who was it?
38:14Ali Jones.
38:15No.
38:19It was written by Howard Blake specifically for the film,
38:22but it was actually sung by a choir boy named Peter Orte.
38:25There he is, he's now a professional operatic tenor,
38:28but he didn't get any credit in the film because they forgot to put his name on.
38:321985, the song was used in an advert for Toys R Us and it had to be re-recorded,
38:37but this guy, Peter Orte's voice, had already broken.
38:39And so a new version was sung by Ali Jones and that was released and that became a huge hit.
38:44And that is why we think Ali Jones sang it in the film, but it isn't actually him.
38:49Here's another song that was originally written for New Year, but what is the first line?
39:08What's he going to say?
39:09La la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la-la la la-la-la-la.
39:21Do you know about it?
39:23Is it Deck the halls with something and Holly?
39:25Deck the halls with... No.
39:26No? No?
39:29Bowls of holly. I know.
39:31I didn't say bow so I don't know why you buzzed me.
39:33Well, I don't know. Is it Tis the season to be jolly?
39:36I think it's Ant in deck with Phil and Holly
39:43So I asked for the original lyrics and it's an old Welsh tune called Noscallen or New Year
39:49And the oldest version of the lyrics are translated into English as this
40:06Oh, I like
40:20Soft my Fair One's bosom an absolute filth
40:26Finally have a listen to this
40:30Now who wrote it and what instrument is performing the lead melody
40:36So the nutcracker it is the nutcracker you are absolutely right
40:43Tchaikovsky Tchaikovsky is very good and the oboe it's not an oboe
40:46Harpsichord you were nearer with the harpsichord triangle
40:57It's the dance of the sugarplum fairy Tchaikovsky's the nutcracker. It's played on a
41:03Celesta there it is a Celesta if you lift that up you can take a shit in it
41:16Sandy talks things
41:20Celesta comes from the French word for heavenly so it looks like a piano
41:23But when you press the keys hammers hit metal plates with wooden resonators underneath
41:28It gives it a sort of soft almost like a triangle
41:30It was invented in 1886 by a Parisian organ maker Charles Victor Mustel and his son August and Tchaikovsky
41:37Ordered one immediately does anybody know what a sugarplum is it's the dance of the sugarplum fairy
41:43It's not a thing that hangs off a tree Christmas tree that you can eat. Yes, it's exactly right. It's a kind of sweet
41:49It's what's called a comfit
41:51It's a seed a nut or a berry which has got layers of hard sugar and and I will give
41:5510 points to anybody who can tell me where we saw sugarplums at the beginning of the show
42:02Now they were mentioned on one of the adverts
42:06That came up earlier. You're exactly right. It was for your anodyne necklace. Yeah
42:10You get 10 points. Very very very well done
42:20At the top of the advert it says sugarplums for worms and it was thought to be a cure for intestinal worms
42:26It was widely believed they might kill the tooth worms as well that caused toothache so well spotted darling
42:32I read it all. No, I love that. You've actually remembered something
42:38It's time to look at our scores. Let's see who's top of the mice list and who's on thin ice. Pretty sure I nailed this
42:46Joy to the world in first place with 16 points. It's Alan
42:50Don't worry ski happy in second place with minus nine. It's julian
43:09Nobody's perfect in third place with minus 27 fatia
43:12And in last place a lost claws at minus 29 jimmy
43:31So it's a big thank you to fatia jimmy julian and alan and a very merry christmas from all of us
43:37Let's all go and join the choir and sing off you go people
43:42Merry Christmas
44:12Merry Christmas
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