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Taskmaster: Champion of Champions - Season 4 Episode 1 -
Champion of Champions IV
Champion of Champions IV
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FunTranscript
00:00I don't know what I'm there.
00:30MUSIC CONTINUES
01:00CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:04Hello! Hello!
01:07Thank you, welcome, I'm Greg Davis.
01:11Imagine, if you will, a world where the greatest from any era
01:14could be pitted against one another.
01:17Peak Muhammad Ali clashing with the raging youth of Tyson.
01:20Borg trading rally upon rally with Federer.
01:23Simone Biles and Olga Corbett throwing impossible shapes
01:27on the same bars.
01:28Ooh, it's a tantalising prospect, isn't it?
01:31Now, forget all that,
01:33and let's see some comedians doing stupid stuff.
01:36Welcome to the Taskmaster, champion of champions!
01:40CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:42Please welcome back the winners from series 16 to 20,
01:47Andy Zoltzman!
01:49CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:51John Robin!
01:53Maisie Edda!
01:55Matthew Baker!
01:58And Sam Campbell!
02:00CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
02:03And next to me, a man who tells me
02:05that unlike the vast majority of the United Kingdom,
02:08he found the felling of the sycamore gap tree
02:11absolutely hilarious.
02:13LAUGHTER
02:14It's...
02:16Yee-hee-hee!
02:17Little Alex Hart!
02:18CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
02:19CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
02:20Hello, Greg. Hello, everyone.
02:24It's the champion of champions.
02:26It must be a tough, tough prize category, am I right?
02:29Oh, he's always right, although he dresses to the left.
02:33And the prize category is the biggest betrayal.
02:37Yes, the audience were right to...
02:40Ooh, enough respect.
02:42Greg will give five points for the biggest betrayal
02:44in what is probably the only time ever
02:46that celebrities being duplicitous on television
02:48are rewarded and celebrated.
02:50Mmm.
02:51Right, let us begin.
02:53Hello, Andy.
02:54Hello, Greg.
02:55What betrayal have you brought in for this,
02:57most auspicious of occasions?
02:58Well, I brought in the official Taskmaster book.
03:02OK, well, this is the book.
03:03So, there you go.
03:04Oh, definitive truth.
03:05The definitive truth.
03:06The definitive truth.
03:07The real story by the real star.
03:09LAUGHTER
03:12But the real betrayal is...
03:14I'm going to have to take you to the index, Greg.
03:17Look at that.
03:18Oh...
03:19Not a single mention, mate.
03:20But this...
03:21LAUGHTER
03:22LAUGHTER
03:27It hurts big time.
03:28It's a big betrayal.
03:29It's a big betrayal.
03:30It's a strong opener.
03:31Can you beat that genre of books?
03:32It doesn't even mention me.
03:34Would it not impress you more to betray the only person on earth
03:38you want to be betrayed?
03:40Alex, two months ago, you received an email from me.
03:43Here it is.
03:44Sorry to ask, but my pal is running a charity auction
03:46and he's a big Horn Section fan, as if.
03:49LAUGHTER
03:51Could you sort out a few signed posters?
03:53Cheers, mate.
03:54And I think I did provide the posters.
03:55Yes, you did.
03:56So what there was was a Horn Section show in the Aylesbury
04:01Waterside Theatre.
04:02Yeah, we're doing quite well.
04:03Yeah.
04:05So I added Alex's signed posters for the audience to see
04:09as they walked into the show, but I did annotate them
04:12somewhat with my own messages.
04:14First off, a career low.
04:20Aylesbury is a syphilis hotspot.
04:26Only here to escape our Harrodon wives.
04:30Exemplary.
04:32Exemplary.
04:34Strong. This is strong.
04:35Who's next? Maisie.
04:36Well, I've not betrayed either of you.
04:39I have betrayed my fellow competitors.
04:42Ooh.
04:43Oh.
04:44Yes.
04:45So there's a lot of chat forums where people want to know
04:48behind-the-scenes goss about comedians,
04:51specifically some of you guys.
04:54And the day I came home from winning my series,
04:58I set up a fake account on this chat forum
05:01to contribute scathing rumours about these lovely men.
05:05LAUGHTER
05:08All right.
05:10So...
05:12Somebody was basically wanting some tea on the UK comedy scene,
05:16so I came straight in with, well, before a gig,
05:18Andy Zaltzman kept asking if tampons were a myth.
05:22LAUGHTER
05:23And then I thought I'd add in with my good friend Matt Bainton here
05:26that I also worked with Matt Bainton,
05:27and when I said I liked football,
05:29he made me list the starting 11 of the past five FA Cup winners.
05:33LAUGHTER
05:34Luckily for you, I didn't discuss you on the chat forum.
05:38I discussed you in the very big WhatsApp group
05:41that is for female comedians.
05:43LAUGHTER
05:45Here we go.
05:47LAUGHTER
05:49I said, first of all, Sam Campbell referred to me as
05:52that lady comic throughout the entire time of working together.
05:54LAUGHTER
05:55Oh, my God.
05:56That's...
05:57That's Lou Sanders.
05:58Lou Sanders is my landlord.
06:00LAUGHTER
06:02LAUGHTER
06:03Disappointing but not surprising.
06:05LAUGHTER
06:06And John Robbins starts all of his sentences around women
06:09with the phrase,
06:10as one of the few good men left in comedy.
06:12LAUGHTER
06:13Is this Catherine...
06:15That's Catherine Ryan.
06:16Yeah.
06:17Saying gross.
06:18Saying gross.
06:19Saying gross.
06:20LAUGHTER
06:21And you didn't tell them it was a wind-up,
06:22you just put in the comment.
06:23No.
06:24It's...
06:25LAUGHTER
06:26This is lovely.
06:27Matthew.
06:28Well, I felt the biggest possible betrayal here
06:32would be to betray this show.
06:34Oh.
06:35On a very big public scale.
06:37So this is what I did.
06:38LAUGHTER
06:44I wonder if you could possibly have put that way.
06:47LAUGHTER
06:52APPLAUSE
06:54That is nice.
06:56And, I would say, expensive.
06:58Yeah.
06:59£750.
07:00Ooh!
07:01LAUGHTER
07:02The scale of it is lovely.
07:04Yeah.
07:05Sam.
07:06Well, yeah.
07:07I think it is a betrayal
07:08that there is only one female comedian
07:09on this entire dais.
07:10Yeah.
07:11So you listen here,
07:12Mr. Alex Horne,
07:14and you listen here,
07:15Mr. Greg Walters...
07:17G...
07:18David?
07:19LAUGHTER
07:21Because I think it's about time someone taught you
07:24the alphabet.
07:25A to Z.
07:27LAUGHTER
07:32I go on a shopping spree
07:33With Aisling B
07:34And Bridget Christie
07:35Makes my eyes misty
07:36Oh, Catherine Boha
07:37You are just so smart
07:38Dane
07:39Enough
07:40Should have been played by a woman
07:41Oh, no one make me giddy like that Emma City
07:44Fatia Elgory has best Instagram stories
07:46You can't hold a candle to our Grace Campbell
07:48I'm crying in my silence
07:52On female videos
07:56Comedians
07:57Comedians
07:58Comedians
07:59Harriet Kemsley
08:00Harriet Kemsley
08:01Hope you're getting your REM sleep
08:02While joking on putty
08:03From sweet Izzy Soddy
08:04Put your hands on the air
08:05For Jenny and Claire
08:06There should be a monument
08:07To Gary Goleman
08:09Lucy Beaumont
08:10This is your moment
08:11Forget Aladdin
08:12Wish to see Menzi Adam
08:13Natasha Dimitri
08:14Every TV show should feature you
08:16Female comedians
08:17I want you to hold me
08:18Accountable
08:19Sketch Cozo Gorda
08:20Because of Olivia Colman
08:21Patti Harrison
08:22There is no comparison
08:23Queen Latifah
08:24Is in some comedy movies
08:26Rosie Jones
08:27I want to make words
08:28Sarah Millican
08:29Make another from silicon
08:30Tati McLeod
08:32Is cloning allowed?
08:33Can I get a multi-pack
08:34Of a rouge ash frack?
08:36And what about the female comedians
08:37From other planets?
08:38Vorg
08:39Is talking the talk
08:40She's got a new podcast
08:42Sharing her thoughts
08:43But Chita Koala
08:44You're a comedy master
08:45I'd like to pick your brains over a tikka masala
08:48Saldori or Zork
08:49I heard your podcast with Vorg
08:50Man, you guys
08:51Has such a nice door
08:52Yip it and you
08:53Your last special was you
08:55I heard you
08:56Instead of laughing
08:57You goop
08:58Zoe Lyons
08:59Brought to sky her irons
09:00I'm breaking my silence
09:02APPLAUSE
09:15OK
09:18Who are you betraying?
09:19Who are you betraying?
09:20LAUGHTER
09:22Oh, I brought in a special glove
09:26This is what Sam has actually brought in
09:28LAUGHTER
09:29LAUGHTER
09:30OK
09:33OK
09:34LAUGHTER
09:35Can I go back to my original question?
09:39Who are you betraying?
09:41Who are you betraying?
09:42No, no, I'm saying that we feel betrayed by you and your nasty little boys club
09:48LAUGHTER
09:50And a lot of them have been on Taskmaster
09:52LAUGHTER
09:53That is a good point
09:54LAUGHTER
09:55Well, here are my scores, you ready?
09:56Cool
09:57I'm going to give Sam one point, because I don't think you know who you've betrayed
10:05Andy Zaltzman, two points, seems fair
10:08John, three points
10:10Matthew Bainton, four points, because I like the scale of it
10:12And who else can I give five points to but Maisie Adam?
10:15Well done, Maisie Adam, she wins the task!
10:17CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
10:21All right, let's let this firmest battle begin!
10:24Oh, yes, and first up, it's verses, followed by curses!
10:28Ooh!
10:29Ooh!
10:30MUSIC PLAYS
10:45Hello.
10:46Hi, Maisie.
10:47John Robbins.
10:48Alex Horne.
10:49LAUGHTER
10:53Ta-da!
10:54There he is.
10:55Hello, Andy.
10:56Hello.
10:57PHONE RINGS
10:59Hi, Sam.
11:01How have you been since the victory?
11:02Yeah, good.
11:03I haven't had any acting work.
11:05Would you say that's a coincidence, or...?
11:10I've got to ask, how's your back?
11:11Yeah, all right, OK.
11:13I did wrestling.
11:14I wasn't dressed as a nun when I did that.
11:16But I landed on my back, so that's happened.
11:18Great.
11:19A drugged-up nun with a guitar, essentially.
11:24Write, memorise and perform the most powerful poem
11:27about being a champion.
11:28You must perform the entirety of your poem
11:30sat on the special chair.
11:32You have 15 minutes to write and memorise your poem,
11:34then a maximum of five minutes to perform it.
11:37Most powerful champion poem performance wins.
11:40Your time starts now.
11:44Can't be that difficult. Shakespeare churned him out, didn't he?
11:46There was a whiff of Shakespeare about you.
11:49I used to write a lot of poetry back in the day.
11:52I would write lots of pretty moving poems
11:54about girls who didn't fancy me.
11:55Oh.
11:56Did that change?
11:57No.
11:58Lady repellent.
11:59This is how I'll remember it.
12:01I think they're called acrostic poems.
12:03I'll defo remember it, because I've just got to remember
12:06what it is I'm spelling, which is going to be champion.
12:09OK, so now it's just learning time.
12:11Mm-hm.
12:12I need more time.
12:13I need more time.
12:14I need more time.
12:15I need more time.
12:19I see.
12:32It's not a chair.
12:33A chair is something you sit on.
12:34That's a chair.
12:35That is not a definition of a chair.
12:36It's a chair.
12:37Not a chair.
12:38APPLAUSE
12:44Well, well, well.
12:45Seeing them all come in one by one,
12:47it really did make me crushing my judgments over the series.
12:50The Sister Bad Back and The Four Trolls.
12:55Let's have a look.
12:56First to orate and gyrate, yes, in those shorts,
13:00it's Matthew Bainton.
13:02I'm going to swing on this way for obvious reasons.
13:06LAUGHTER
13:10OK.
13:12A champion wins.
13:14A champion...
13:15Fuck yeah.
13:17A champion wins.
13:19A champion defeats.
13:21A champion destroys.
13:23A champion never cheats.
13:27But after the battle,
13:29after the fight,
13:31what keeps a champion up at night?
13:33The champion's burden.
13:34The champion's...
13:35The champion's burden.
13:36The champion's...
13:37The champion's burden.
13:38The champion's curse.
13:39When all is done,
13:41there can be...
13:42only one!
13:44APPLAUSE
13:45APPLAUSE
13:47Pretty powerful, Scott.
13:48Because it's not just about what it takes to be a champion,
14:01it's about what it costs to be a champion.
14:03And what it costs is your acting career.
14:05Despite the ghoulies, it was a strong poet.
14:09OK, one part of our final is done,
14:11and it's so good to have our old friends back.
14:14Yes, it is.
14:15In fact, I put together a little highlight reel,
14:17and I thought we could watch that before the break.
14:19If you'd like to see it, Greg?
14:20Oh, yeah, that's a good idea.
14:22Why don't you just marry them?
14:23Here's some adverts.
14:24APPLAUSE
14:35Hello.
14:36Welcome back to this tremendous tussle of the Tusk Titans.
14:40Yes, and it's nice to see Sam Campbell again too, isn't it?
14:43So...
14:44Before the break,
14:45they were performing the most powerful poem
14:47about being a champion whilst riding a bucking bronco.
14:51Now, back on the ball we go with Randy Zaltzman.
15:00Are you wearing a box?
15:01Yes, I am.
15:03The world where once the penguin feared to tread,
15:07now bestrode by this titan of Taskmerian fate,
15:12who wields the sacred willow,
15:14and on his head that helmet,
15:16showing the world...
15:18that's...
15:23Where have we got to?
15:25Showing the world...
15:27It's never too late
15:28to grasp from the chasm of eternal gloom
15:31a sprig of hope,
15:32or thus the champion of series 18
15:34who sprang in triumph from human womb
15:36proof of the world that Richard can be seen
15:38even in a hero who's over 50.
15:40Balding, quite out of shape, and locs.
15:44In Alex Horns darkened, task filled harrowing room.
15:47The end.
15:48Finish?
15:50You're finished mate.
15:51Thank you for the fire, Andy.
15:52You're an evil fucking...
15:54You're an evil-fuckver, man.
15:55You're an evil-fucking-fuckver.
15:56Balding, quite out of shape and locks, in Alex Horne's darkened, task-filled, harrowing room.
16:03The end.
16:05Finish? You're finished, mate.
16:07Thank you for the fire, Mandy. You're an evil fucking bastard.
16:17Well, it was supposed to be a poet doing a powerful performance.
16:21Honestly, what I've written down is it was a bit like watching an old man fail a medical.
16:26LAUGHTER
16:27Well, potato-potato, you know, who's next?
16:31Next up, it's the turn of John Robbins to recite his poem
16:35whilst having his nipples tossed all over the place.
16:38LAUGHTER
16:40But you can't just need to make one adjustment.
16:43LAUGHTER
16:45There we go.
16:46Pemberton.
16:48Blessed dweeb of cryptic.
16:50Willan and Mohammed.
16:52Crowd-pleasing. Thick-o-diptic.
16:54Magnally. Pants!
16:57Whee!
16:59Prosecco smile and Monroe nose.
17:02Our champion in Freddy pose.
17:05Hi-ya!
17:07Ow!
17:09Our champion with record score.
17:12Robbins, they cry.
17:14Let him rain once more!
17:18What?
17:19Oh!
17:20OK.
17:22You got to level one with that one.
17:24On that one, but on other ones, I got to the max, didn't I?
17:27APPLAUSE
17:34You were writing about your fellow contestants as well. Yes.
17:37When you first got on, you said you had to make an adjustment. Yes.
17:40And I wrote down, I thought that maybe you were putting
17:43part of you inside of you.
17:48No, I was very much just ensuring that the Robins lineage
17:52of champions can continue.
17:54LAUGHTER
17:55Good. Who's next?
17:57It is the time of Sam Campbell and Maisie.
18:03Oh.
18:04What? Are you joking?
18:06That's the magic chair?
18:08It's a special chair, yes. Special chair.
18:11I've told you I've got a back injury and you thought,
18:14yeah, bubber on there.
18:16You look like you're going to give birth.
18:18LAUGHTER
18:20Oh, far out. Oh, my God. Life is insane.
18:24Some people say it's a game of snakes and ladders.
18:27Champion of champions.
18:29How did we get here?
18:31Ah, so many.
18:33Blood, sweat and tears.
18:35A ladder and something happens not nice.
18:38Many have failed, but not I.
18:41pushing through, tusk after tusk, with my eyes, oh, on the prize.
18:47And the real champions are nurses and people who designed hospitals
18:51and people who held double teeth.
18:53In pursuit of Big Daddy Greg's approval.
18:57And, of course, Roger Federer and Carlos Alcaraz.
19:00Oh, I'm here to stay.
19:02Ain't no removal.
19:04And I'm going to pass over to Alex Horne.
19:11Everyone's talking about this guy.
19:13They're not all saying good things.
19:15Blue Horizons beckon.
19:18Victory again, you reckon?
19:20Would you like me to stop the magic carpet?
19:22Yes.
19:23And that's the life of a champion.
19:26Maisie, thank you for your powerful performance.
19:29You're a lawsuit waiting to happen.
19:32Just so you know.
19:39That's honestly one of the saddest things I've ever seen.
19:43You look like you're microwaving me.
19:48I remember it being quicker and thinking,
19:52this'll look cool.
19:54It.
19:55Did.
19:56Not.
19:57Sam, the poem was rubbish.
20:00Yes.
20:01It's also not the poem he wrote in the room.
20:03In the room he wrote,
20:04Everyone is a champion.
20:05Roger Federer.
20:06I feel 100%.
20:07My life has been amazing.
20:08Lonely at the top.
20:09It's time to score, Greg.
20:16Well, I sort of felt the same about Andy and Sam's, really.
20:20I could only give them two points because of the criteria of the poem.
20:23Right.
20:24Two points.
20:25So I'm going to give them two points each.
20:26To Sam and Andy.
20:27That's correct.
20:28Now, I do think, you know, you're a physical disadvantage because you had a terrible wrestling injury.
20:32Yes.
20:33But I just don't think we can...
20:34No, I get what you're saying.
20:35You're saying three points and get back in the kitchen.
20:37I hear you.
20:38And then, I think, Matt, you couldn't hold on long enough to give your poem the audience it deserved.
20:45Whereas John held on.
20:46He slagged off his fellow contestants.
20:49And he did it in a very powerful way.
20:51Four points and five points.
20:52And that's an empty.
20:53All right.
20:54All right.
20:55Five points of your medal.
20:56There we go.
20:57I'd like to see a champion scoreboard, please.
20:59Three of the champions cannot be wrought apart.
21:02Matt, Maisie and John all have eight points.
21:05Whoo!
21:06Also Andy and Sam are there.
21:08Four and three.
21:11Going, let us see the chunk-ins tusks and more.
21:14OK, we've had poetic metres.
21:16And now for two more metres in a race against time.
21:20Hey, Matt.
21:37It's cold, Alex.
21:42Hello.
21:43Oh.
21:44How are you?
21:45You look a little bit...
21:46Stiff?
21:47There's your task.
21:49Right by the start line.
21:51Oh, what have you got in store for me?
21:53Oh, don't do this to me.
21:54No!
21:55Oh, you're cruel.
21:59Oh, wow.
22:06You all right?
22:08Win the two-metre race.
22:10First to break the tape wins.
22:16You must start the race after the starters bang,
22:19and behind the starting line.
22:21If any part of your body moves beyond the starting line...
22:24Or you break the tape before the starters bang,
22:28you are disqualified.
22:31Finally, every time the bike wheel stops spinning,
22:35your final time will be doubled.
22:37And throughout the task, you must big yourself up.
22:40Like, give myself compliments.
22:42Yeah.
22:43And make myself feel nice.
22:44You don't want that wheel to stop.
22:46I know, dude!
22:48LAUGHTER
22:49APPLAUSE
22:55Did anyone understand this task?
22:56No.
22:57No, no.
22:58It really did cause confusion, did it?
23:00Yes.
23:01It's a two-metre sprint.
23:02That's all you need to know.
23:03Shall we start the race?
23:04Let's start the race.
23:05OK, first up, it's Series 17 versus Series 19.
23:08That's right, it's Matthew on your marks, Luke and John.
23:13What are you doing?
23:14Taking the bike off so I can ride the bike.
23:16Do you want a tool?
23:18I don't need a tool.
23:20I am a tool.
23:23So there's no other course?
23:24No, this is the course.
23:25It's a two-metre running track.
23:27That's it.
23:28I'm the best.
23:30I've got this.
23:31Where's the starter?
23:32I just don't know.
23:33He works independently from me or she.
23:39Why is there someone in there?
23:42OK.
23:43I've got eight minutes and 19 seconds before the bang.
23:46Right.
23:47But I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing with my time.
23:49Bigging yourself up, John.
23:50Do I need to big myself up any bigger?
23:55They're waiting, isn't it?
23:56Yeah, but I'm good at waiting.
24:00That's now safe.
24:01It's secure.
24:02Six.
24:03Five.
24:04Four.
24:05Three.
24:06That's now safe.
24:07It's secure.
24:08Six.
24:09Five.
24:10Four.
24:11Three.
24:12Specific.
24:13You've completed the course after the bang.
24:16Yeah.
24:17Don't keep that bit in.
24:19Well, I think you both made the mistake of thinking that this task was cleverer than it is, basically. You were even looking for another course at one point, weren't you?
24:40Yeah, it was the amount of time.
24:41Yeah.
24:42I've thought about it so much since.
24:45I was sure that I would come here tonight and watch it and find out there was a whole other aspect, waiting, hiding somewhere.
24:52There wasn't.
24:53There wasn't.
24:54It was just really scary.
24:55There wasn't.
24:56You're not going to tell us times now, I wouldn't think.
24:58Let's see some more then.
24:59OK.
25:00Two more men now.
25:01Sorry, Maisie, but they're not particularly manly men because it's Sam and Andy.
25:05You're better than me.
25:08So you don't want that wheel?
25:09I'm one of the best ever.
25:10Right.
25:11Oh, he's flying.
25:13Right.
25:14Can I move this?
25:16You do whatever you want.
25:17You've been talking about me behind my back?
25:19I'll tell you why you're behind my back, because you are in my shadow.
25:22And you are nothing to me.
25:24And I'll...
25:25Yeah.
25:26I mean, this has been one of the most impressive displays of moving Alex Hall on a bicycle.
25:31Yeah.
25:32Can I move the tape?
25:33No, not moving the tape.
25:36So you're just going to do that and wait for the bang?
25:38Yeah.
25:39Are you familiar with voodoo dolls?
25:41You piss me off sometimes.
25:43I don't know what's love talking to you.
25:46Well, the tape's gone now.
25:47Yeah, you've got to stay this side of the starters line.
25:49The starters line?
25:50Oh, shit.
25:52My arm is getting soared.
25:55Is it?
25:56Can I just ask?
25:57Yeah.
25:58So I'll...
25:59The bang will happen, I spin it, then I run.
26:02No, the wheel's got to spin the whole time.
26:04Every time you stop it, your final time's doubled.
26:12I need to find the starter now.
26:14Do you think Bayton's doing this?
26:16Oh, Bayton's just perfect.
26:18Oh, Bayton.
26:19Oh, did you see Bayton?
26:20Oh, Bayton's just great.
26:21What?
26:22Can you press that?
26:23Oh, I just saw Bayton in the play.
26:24It was scrumptious.
26:25Oh, I just saw Bayton in the play.
26:26It was scrumptious.
26:29I just saw Bayton in the play.
26:30Oh, I just saw Bayton in the play.
26:31It was scrumptious.
26:32OK, thank you.
26:33OK.
26:34Oh, I just obeyed me in the play. It was scrumptious
26:48Okay, thank you
26:56I think you went off to have sex with an effigy of us
27:00No, we just watch the cricket together Sam you spent a lot of the time
27:07Sarcastically reviewing Matthew Bainton's
27:11I think that's like jealousy and green doesn't look good on me and apologize, and it's just yeah jealousy
27:18Honestly, thank you the thinking woman's crumpet
27:20Seriously
27:25We're halfway through this champion of champions showdown and already it's incredibly absolutely incredible that any of them ever won a series
27:35Now alex is going to do an impression of one of the beatles
27:39Hello Ringo. Yes, it was Ringo
27:53Welcome back to the third part of this riveting competition
27:57There is one race left her body might not have been match fit, but what about her brain? Let's find out. It is Maisie Adams
28:04Oh
28:08We'll just move this closer, won't we? Do you need a hand because of your terrible back injuries? Yeah, come on
28:14That's it. That's it. Here? No, keep going. Right. Just bob it there. Bob it here. Yep
28:23Maybe I could tie something to it and then the moment I hear the bang
28:27Break it. Uh-huh. Could you go and get me some string string string string? Great. Well done
28:41Am I looking at the starter now? No, the starter's not one of these people
28:44Are you the starter? Yeah, do you, do you, do you, do you, do you, are you, well
28:57Sorry
29:02Oh, you've got the button? Yep
29:04Right
29:07Three, two, one
29:08You've broken the finish line after the bang very fast
29:14See ya
29:15Thanks, Maisie
29:21Well, you broke the tape
29:23Have I done well? I think you've done really well
29:26Fuck off
29:30Surely she can't be beaten, let's find out
29:32Well, we can see all five running at the same time
29:34Yes, please
29:35It's time for this year's two metre race
29:38Three, two, one
29:40It's not something like not spinning the wheel was in good. Yes, Sam your wheel stopped 21 times
30:05So we have to double six point one one seconds 21 times which works out as
30:12213 thousand five hundred minutes which is 21 weeks
30:22Yeah, I'm so honestly put that on my gravestone
30:26In top-level athletics if you go within 0.1 second of the gun going off
30:35It's considered to be a full star because that's beyond the scope of human
30:42So Greg are you having with all the performances?
30:44I'm happy with all the performances and nothing's thoughts when can say can change my mind on that in which case Sam gets
30:49one point Andy two John three Matt four but Maisie I didn't get five points
30:59One more tough task for our champs to tackle. Oh, yes, we do and just like you Greg. It's bold. It's big and it's really very simple
31:19Oh
31:22Wow, hello, Sam. Oh
31:25Who's that?
31:27It is I Matthew Bainton
31:30What the what's going on in here? Hello, Maisie. Hello. Hello, okay
31:40That is good
31:46Oh, right on
31:49Be brilliant for a minute most brilliant minute wins you have a total of 20 minutes your time
31:59Starts now. I mean it just would be tiresome if I got a guitar out again wouldn't it what if it's all of?
32:06History in the minute. Oh, yeah, we've got primordial obviously gave people bronze age
32:12Huns Attila the hun
32:14Yes, I tell the harm. This is good. I've got my dear. Oh
32:18I want to play a game. I
32:21Mean they say stick to what you know, but mostly what I know is cricket stats. Yeah, I'm gonna go and have a think all right, okay?
32:28Don't look at him
32:30It's just too much I think I'm just gonna do Attila the hun the life of Attila the hun
32:39I
32:41Yeah
32:47What we're about to say is for me nothing's gonna be as brilliant as Matthew blinding himself and then smashing into smaller
32:56Okay, well two brilliant champions first of all Andy and Maisie
33:00I
33:18I'm down here
33:21Maisie
33:23Maisie
33:25Maisie
33:27You've got three seconds
33:30One thousand and eighteen
33:36Maisie
33:37Maisie
33:38Maisie
33:39Maisie
33:40Maisie
33:41Maisie
33:42Maisie
33:44Maisie
33:45Maisie
33:46Maisie
33:47Maisie
33:48You've got three seconds
33:52Right. There we go. Ah. None in a bush. None in a bush. None in a bush. You were in there. Yep. Being brilliant at hiding. Okay. Thanks Maisie.
34:02This is a bit of wordplay by you isn't it? Minute. Well, you just never know on this show what the hidden meanings are. Yeah. Most brilliant minute or most brilliant minute win. Yes. Oh, yes.
34:17It's clever. I love that little Andy by the way. I love that little Andy as well. He did lots of brilliant things. Thank you. Maisie, how did you think it went?
34:30Genuinely on the day, I thought smash this. Yeah. I couldn't find her. I didn't know what she was doing. She left and I couldn't find her.
34:35And isn't that brilliant? You'd think you'd spotted none in a bush.
34:40No, she's fully inside the bush. I mean, there could be both.
34:41Emily Showbreak. She was fully inside the bush.
34:42I mean, there could be both.
34:43Emily Showbreak. She was fully inside the bush.
34:44Genuinely on the day, I thought, smash this.
34:48Yeah. I mean, I couldn't find her.
34:50I didn't know what she was doing. She left and I couldn't find her.
34:53And isn't that brilliant? You'd think you'd spotted none in a bush.
34:57No, she's fully inside the bush.
34:59I mean, there could be both.
35:03Family show, Greg.
35:06She was fully inside the bush.
35:09OK, who's next?
35:11Now, for a man who could do with some even more brilliant pants,
35:14it's Matt Bainton.
35:20LAUGHTER
35:41LAUGHTER
35:46LAUGHTER
35:50APPLAUSE
35:54APPLAUSE
36:11I'm going to be brilliant.
36:13The sun is the most brilliant thing...
36:15Isn't it? ..in our solar system.
36:17It is.
36:1835.7 octillion lumens.
36:21The projector at IMAX is only 4,000, so that's crazy.
36:24LAUGHTER
36:26Sorry, sorry, sorry. There wasn't the facts about the sun.
36:28No, there was the sun.
36:30You adapted your face to look like something, which is also what I did.
36:33LAUGHTER
36:34And that was critically panned.
36:36LAUGHTER
36:37But I didn't realise it...
36:38Critically panned!
36:39LAUGHTER
36:40LAUGHTER
36:41Matthew, I thought it was powerful.
36:43Oh, you would.
36:44LAUGHTER
36:46There is just one part left for our champions.
36:48Who will win and take my headless body
36:50and attach my head to it, which they already own,
36:53and then...
36:54What will they do with me?
36:56LAUGHTER
36:57APPLAUSE
36:59Welcome back!
37:09Here we are, then.
37:11Mere moments from a former champion rising head and shoulders
37:14above the rest to become the ultra-champ.
37:17But first, let's finish this brilliant task.
37:19We simply must.
37:20And it's time for the final two guys to be brilliant for a minute.
37:23It's Sam and John.
37:25MUSIC
37:31Welcome to the 60-second game show
37:33where the crew of Taskmaster are going to compete
37:35to get money to their chosen charities.
37:37We've got a minute on the clock.
37:39Alex is going to blow his whistle.
37:40Our crew are going to shout out their charities
37:42and throw the ducks into the buckets which have...
37:45didn't... didn't see that, didn't agree to that,
37:48and that's fine.
37:49Alex, are you ready to be brilliant for a minute?
37:51Yes, please.
37:52OK, let's do some bloody good.
37:54And we're off.
37:55The Hospice of St Francis.
37:57Oh, well, that went in the hundreds.
37:59We'll put that in.
38:00Did it? Yeah, it did.
38:01Markinsons.
38:02Markinsons, that was in.
38:03And as we know, they come out, that counts.
38:06Straight forward in the streets.
38:07Chelsea UK.
38:09Am I into mental health?
38:11Well, that was basically it.
38:13LAUGHTER
38:19Let's get a coffee, please.
38:21Welcome to Attila's.
38:22The cafe where we think Attila the Han is just so much fun.
38:26We love Attila the Han.
38:28Kids Against Hunger.
38:30Dream flight.
38:31Or two.
38:32And you helped that one in and I'm glad.
38:34There you go.
38:35You.
38:36That'll be 3.50.
38:37All right.
38:38Card?
38:39Card's great.
38:40Great Ormond Street.
38:41Lovely.
38:42Ten seconds left.
38:43And that's counting.
38:44It's nice if someone goes for one of these little rude ones.
38:46Not a big.
38:47Lovely.
38:48And that's going in...
38:49150.
38:50And that's 150.
38:51Very generous, John.
38:52Thanks.
38:54It's close to a grand.
38:55It's close to a grand.
38:57And...
38:58charity matters.
39:00Thanks, John.
39:01There you go.
39:02Thank you so much.
39:03Great, thank you.
39:04Actually, I'm so sorry, but I don't want a receipt.
39:07Welcome to Attila's.
39:14Welcome to Attila's.
39:15Welcome to Attila's.
39:16Welcome to Attila's.
39:17The cafe where we think Attila's the home.
39:19Attila's the home.
39:20Attila's the home.
39:21It's just so much fun.
39:22It's just so much fun.
39:23It's just so much fun.
39:24It's just so much fun.
39:37We have to support local businesses and locals more like the cafes
39:43Stick of the change
39:51I think it's really if you raise that money. I do. I don't think the game show is brilliant. Okay, sorry
39:57I raised so much money for charity
40:01The 62nd game show
40:03I just think my go with that title when you had chuck it, duck it, book it right there
40:10Stop thinking about little Andy. I would have seen him having like a regular sized meal
40:15Like imagine like the pizza that we would have but it's a little Andy having that and like where does he live?
40:20And I what does he get up to all I'm saying is I'm pretty much addicted to the landing. Yeah
40:25Right the tail of the hornet was a fairly awful murderous the scourge of God. Yeah
40:30Nickname I thought this might come up
40:38I think he used to like boil his enemies alive. I think you've got to separate the barista from the boiling
40:47Okay, I'm obviously amazing
40:49You know, I mean I enjoyed seeing a painted face green and hiding a bush just as a nun
40:54But it wasn't brilliant one point. Okay, and I think it's brilliant that John raised money for charity, right?
40:58But I thought his game show was terrible
41:01I'm giving him two points three points to John. Okay, I'm gonna give Andy three points. Okay, Matthew
41:06I'm going to give four points, and I don't know why I'm doing it. I'm giving Sam Campbell five points
41:12There we go then please head to the stage for your final final task
41:30Hello, baby boy
41:32Hello
41:34Who will be reading the task? Series 18's champion
41:38Zoltzman Zoltzman, Andy
41:41Using only tape turn yourself into a famous person from the previous millennium who you'd like to see on Taskmaster
41:50Best all-round new Taskmaster contestant wins you have three minutes three minutes. Yes. Oh, that's gonna be riveting television
41:59Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ready Greg ready
42:11I find that making a decision that quick is quite disturbing
42:13Alex yes John the tape doesn't stick on your face. Yes, it does
42:18I
42:24Has it tried to ask, but how are you doing Sam? Very well. Thank you. It's anyone's game
42:32You'll be happy to know green is not enrolled
42:39There we go
42:41There we go
42:47Contestants, please stand on your spots
42:59Oh my god
43:01I can only presume Andy has become the son. No, no Joan of Arc
43:17Joan of Arc
43:25Why do you think that Joan of Arc would be good on Taskmaster? I suppose is the question
43:29Well, she heard voices in her head
43:32And that's very much like what doing this show is like
43:35Yeah, and of course if Taskmaster was set during the time of Joan we would perhaps burn people
43:42We can't rule it out
43:44I may as well say it because if anyone's feeling uncomfortable with that idea
43:48Strap yourself in for John
43:50LAUGHTER
43:55So next to Joan of Arc, who do we have Greg?
43:58It's the Fuhrer, I presume
44:00Charlie Chaplin
44:02Oh, thank you for that
44:04This is a great booking
44:08What a relief
44:10Yes
44:11And why do you think Chaplin would be good on Taskmaster John?
44:13Well, one of the great physical comedians of the last millennium
44:17Who I'd like to hear talk a bit more than I did
44:21LAUGHTER
44:23So, our middle contestant, and who do we have?
44:25Well, I'll tell you, we've got David Bowie, surely
44:28Oh!
44:34And why do you think the slim white duke would have been a good contestant?
44:38Well, from what I've seen, white men really do get booked
44:41LAUGHTER
44:42LAUGHTER
44:47Next to Bowie, Greg
44:49Now, who is this?
44:51Is it Liza Minnelli?
44:53No.
44:54Oh!
44:55This is Dawn French
44:57APPLAUSE
45:00Can I say for the record, we agree that Dawn, you'd be great on Taskmaster
45:04Maybe after she sees this...
45:06Oh, yeah, she'll look at this and go, that's a show that respects me
45:09LAUGHTER
45:13And finally, at the end of the line...
45:15Are you a person?
45:17Yes, technically, yes
45:19I feel it might be a Power Ranger
45:21No.
45:22Are you from a movie, Sam?
45:24Yeah.
45:26Are you a Smurf?
45:27No.
45:28Is it Avatar?
45:29Yeah.
45:30Jake Sully?
45:31Yeah.
45:32Greg, there is a technicality, Avatar set in 2154 and it was made in the early 2000s
45:36It was definitely this millennium, not the last millennium
45:38So...
45:39I'm a Smurf!
45:40No, what?
45:42APPLAUSE
45:43OK, so, we have no choice, unfortunately
45:49One point to Sam Campbell
45:50I'm giving Andy Zaltzman two points
45:52OK
45:53I think I'm going to put Dawn French above Chaplin on this occasion
45:57And I recognised the great songwriter immediately
46:01It's five points to Maisie O
46:02Oh, Chris, no more
46:03There we go, five points
46:04Goodbye!
46:06Please come down, we'll have that to your final score!
46:09CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
46:16This has truly been a tale of Maisie and men
46:20But now, four of them must walk away with their golden tails between their golden legs
46:25Whereas one will walk out of here, waving their tail around like a flippin' lunatic
46:31So, let's ask the man with the calculator
46:33Oh, Mr. Calculator
46:36Who has come out on top?
46:38Very close
46:39Very close
46:40The champion of champions
46:42One point in it at the end
46:46The winner with 20 points
46:48It's Matt Bainton!
46:49CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
46:52Matt Bainton is the new champion of champions
46:56Please top off your Tuckmaster champions!
46:59CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
47:03That is happen!
47:06I'm not the one at the end
47:08Is he a real man with the character who is tending him?
47:10That is the new champion of champions
47:11How come you do?
47:12How come you do?
47:14Where do you try?
47:16Well, I'm not the one at the end
47:18I root in your fantasy
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