- 22 hours ago
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00:00Music
00:18Whoever you're honking for, you got the wrong house.
00:20Dear Laura, it's me, Shorzy.
00:23I'm speaking to you through this pimple farmer for two reasons.
00:26One, I'm busy doing what I have to do to get a girl like you.
00:29And two, I want to show this zit face what it takes to get a girl like you.
00:33I'm sure you wish it was somebody better looking reading this,
00:36but if you can believe it, he's the least ugly of the four.
00:39Mason, the guy in the truck, is the most ugly.
00:41Fuck's sake.
00:42And ugliest of the four, four is spelt F-O-R.
00:46You asked me to fuck off for the summer
00:48and figure out if I'm sure about you and about us.
00:51It's been a long summer of reflection and consideration,
00:54but mostly pulling on it.
00:56More than I want to admit.
00:57Laura, much more of this and I'm going to pull that thing right off.
01:00I've also used this time to finally read the five languages of love.
01:04And I'll tell you this, that book is for broads.
01:06The five languages of love are words of affirmation, quality time,
01:10physical touch, acts of service, and receiving gifts.
01:13224 pages for five things any dumb fuck is doing for their sweetie
01:17without even thinking about it, if they're really into them.
01:20That's what I've been doing while you deny my affection.
01:23Putting in the work.
01:25Deny, spelt D-E-N-Y-E.
01:29What are you doing?
01:34Times it almost perfectly, bud.
01:35Want me to keep reading?
01:36Shut the fuck up, Jack.
01:37Okay, but I...
01:38Well, just shut the fuck up.
01:39What are you doing?
01:40What it takes!
01:41What is wrong with you?
01:42I asked you what I had to do to get you.
01:45And you said...
01:47Run a marathon.
01:48I did?
01:49I fucking knew it.
01:50A whole one?
01:5142 kilometers, smartass.
01:53You want a noogie?
01:54You ran a marathon?
01:55Yeah.
01:56You ran a marathon?
01:57Yeah.
01:58You ran a marathon?
01:59Well, I fucking walked a bit, like up that super steep hill by the water tower.
02:03I'm not fucking Terry Fox.
02:05You're crazy.
02:06Yeah, Dad, Ten's cat called me from convertibles the entire time.
02:09You better get your act together.
02:11I don't even remember saying...
02:13Run a marathon.
02:14Well, I remember everything you say.
02:16Do ya?
02:17Try me.
02:18When's my kid's birthday?
02:19April 9.
02:20When's Big Sexies?
02:21What's my death row meal?
02:22Crinkle cut fries.
02:24What's mine?
02:25Box of Timbits.
02:26What's my pet peeve?
02:27People who go like this out their car window.
02:30What's mine?
02:31Commercials that make you cry.
02:32What superpower would I want?
02:34To breathe underwater, me?
02:35To heal people.
02:39Jack, finish the fucking letter.
02:40Today I ran a marathon.
02:42Even though you probably don't remember telling me to.
02:44I'll run another one tomorrow if you want.
02:46I'll run another one right now.
02:48Tell me what to do and I'll do it.
02:49Cause this is the summer I close on Laura Moore.
02:53All right, Shorzy.
02:59Let's have a sleepover.
03:05That's how you do it.
03:06That's what it takes.
03:11Sometimes you gotta dance for him, Jake.
03:13Jack.
03:14You want the girl?
03:15When the sun is shining bright.
03:17When the sun is shining bright.
03:19When the sun is shining bright.
03:21When the sun is shining bright.
03:23When the sun is shining bright.
03:25When the sun is shining bright.
03:27When the sun is shining bright.
03:29When the sun is shining bright.
03:31When the sun is shining bright.
03:33When the sun is shining bright.
03:35When the sun is shining bright.
03:37When the sun is shining bright.
04:09Blueberry festival dance on Saturday, boys.
04:35Big Saturday night on deck here now.
04:37I think those are blueberries.
04:39Why do they see the boys ripping it up?
04:41Marcia Mercier won't know what hit her.
04:42Who?
04:43Marissa Mercier.
04:44Maria.
04:45What?
04:46Maria Mercier.
04:47Why do Mariam Mercier sees the boys on the D floor?
04:49Hey, can I just say, you know, I really appreciate-
04:52Shut up.
04:53What are you doing?
04:54Fuck, everything's going so great.
04:55Why you gotta be so fucking emotional?
04:57Sorry, jeez.
04:58If you're gonna be soft, you're not gonna get a girl like Mariana Mercier.
05:01Maria.
05:02Mariana Mercier's gonna be looking at the bulldogs anyway.
05:04Well, that's true.
05:05Martina's probably gonna be looking at Dolo, let's be honest here.
05:07Should be ready for that.
05:08Maria.
05:09I don't think you have to worry about her looking at Michael's, though.
05:11No thanks, Jorzy.
05:12Also, Hitch doesn't really strike me as Miranda Mercier's type.
05:15The odds aren't good, the goods are out.
05:18And Dolo's not as good a dancer as me, but he's much better looking, so don't be surprised
05:22if he's getting the eyes for Margarita Mercier.
05:24We're gonna look like idiots.
05:25That's the point!
05:26What?
05:27What?
05:28What?
05:29What?
05:30I bet you wish these were your blueberry buddies, eh?
05:32Bet you'd love to be blueberry buddies with them.
05:34Shut up.
05:35We've come to tell you in person.
05:36Oh, what's up, man?
05:38Shut the fuck up, Michaels.
05:39Goody, Dolo, Hitch, you're in.
05:42Guess who's in?
05:43You're in.
05:44For what?
05:45Weird Sudbury.
05:46Okay, I don't wanna see my-
05:47Yes, bud!
05:48Let's get good and weird, boy.
05:49When is it?
05:50Saturday.
05:56Fuck you, Shorzy.
05:57Fuck you!
05:58Shut the door.
05:59Let's everybody just calm down.
06:01She said shut the door.
06:02She did shut the door.
06:03What are you gonna do?
06:04When?
06:05Now.
06:06What?
06:07You told the-
06:08You told the blueberry buddies you'd go to the dance with them.
06:10Yeah?
06:11As I understand it, you've prepared to dance with them?
06:13Yeah.
06:14I'd call it more of a spectacle.
06:15It's a car crash.
06:16And now we've learned that the dance is the same night as Weird Sudbury, whatever that is.
06:20Good and weird.
06:21Yeah, so-
06:22So what are you gonna do?
06:23Go to the dance.
06:24All of you?
06:25No.
06:26Yes.
06:27No, just me and Michaels.
06:28No one cares about Michaels.
06:29I know.
06:30I'd rather go by myself.
06:31The kids don't look up to him the same way they look up to you guys.
06:33I know.
06:34He's almost like negative one.
06:36What sort of parting message is this for them?
06:38You spent the summer working with them, building a relationship.
06:40You've planned this big dance.
06:42Spectacle.
06:43Multicar pilot.
06:44You say you'll be there for them, then three of you bail and something better comes along?
06:47They're your guys.
06:48You have to be there for your guys.
06:50The hockey world looks out for each other.
06:52Bulldog hockey, baby.
06:53If this is who the Bulldogs are, then-
06:56Okay, relax.
06:57Holy.
06:58Talk to them.
07:00You're good at this, Shorzy.
07:03You should coach.
07:05All right, so everybody listen up here now.
07:09Accountability.
07:10Not a chance, me son.
07:11Huh?
07:12We're going to the party, bud.
07:13Guys.
07:14Shut the fuck up, Michaels.
07:15Bro, you folk want to ask the party now.
07:17You have to?
07:18Yeah, monsieur.
07:19Are they dragging you there by the short and curly?
07:20Huh?
07:21Aren't they supposed to be curly?
07:22I thought the most thrilled I'd ever be to hear me named called was at the NHL draft.
07:26First round, no less.
07:28How wrong I was.
07:29The most thrilled I ever was to hear me named called was at-
07:32Weird Sudbury.
07:33We get it.
07:34What is it, anyway?
07:35Good and weird.
07:36Look, boys.
07:38Boys would be boys, boys.
07:40Like-
07:41Are you talking about the boys or the boys?
07:42The boys.
07:43Be good.
07:44Yourself.
07:45You're champions.
07:46He means the boys proper.
07:47And I'm all for enjoying everything that comes along with that.
07:48Be at the S at Vegas, baby.
07:50But she also said-
07:51There is a reasonable amount of time to celebrate something like this, and I think that you've
07:55surpassed it.
07:56And at this point, I agree with her.
08:01Summer's pretty much over.
08:03Say we hit our tubing quota.
08:04Oh, to me so sick.
08:05Ah!
08:06It was the best.
08:07And this cup celebration's been pretty sick, too.
08:10Phenomenal.
08:11Well, I-
08:12What are you doing now?
08:14A bit selfish now.
08:16Oh.
08:17Like, hockey players hold each other accountable.
08:19It's what we do.
08:20If you're fucking up, you're gonna hear about it.
08:21Let's hear it, bud.
08:22You bailed on the gyms?
08:24Now you want to bail on the blueberry buddies?
08:27Somewhere along the line, this stopped being about the team.
08:30It's not hockey, boys.
08:31It's not about the Bulldogs anymore.
08:33It's only about you.
08:35Is this because we went to the party without Michaels?
08:37No.
08:38Let's just double click on that.
08:39Shut the fuck up, Michaels.
08:40Because if it was anybody else, we would've sat it out with you.
08:42Huh?
08:43It's only Michaels.
08:44Even Fish?
08:45It's only Michaels.
08:46Name Sanguiner?
08:47Don't worry about it.
08:48Hold on.
08:49If it's only Michaels, then why did you sit it out, Shorzy?
08:50I don't know.
08:51I'm still wrestling with that a little bit.
08:52Well, let's just zoom in on that.
08:53Michael, shut the fuck up.
08:54Maybe we could do both.
08:557pm to 7am, old man.
08:57It's bad luck for the team if you bail.
09:00It's bad luck for the Bulldogs.
09:02It's up to you.
09:04It's more important.
09:06You're the team.
09:07Nice, Shorzy.
09:14You're good at this, Shorzy.
09:16You should coach.
09:19But the boys ain't missing weird Sudbury.
09:21All right, get on the bench.
09:25Take your buckets off.
09:31Any time now.
09:32All right, first off, a little stick tap for Jack for putting himself out there to get a girl
09:37and being rewarded with a follow back on some silly social media site.
09:44All right, it's your last skate with the Bulldogs.
09:46National champs.
09:47Senior Will, shit hockey.
09:48Let's see your banner in the rafters.
09:50All right, we know you're all off to camp here pretty quick.
09:52They're going to be all over you with toxic masculinity and anti-femininity.
09:56Anti-femininity.
09:57Boys, let's tell them what's really important.
09:59Make a good first impression and always leave a lasting one.
10:02Oh, my God.
10:03Hitting them with the recycle material, are you goody-bye?
10:05Yep.
10:06You're real proud of yourself with that one, eh?
10:08It's a good one.
10:09We know you read it on the wall at fucking Ikea or something.
10:11No, I didn't.
10:12Saw it on a pillow at a fucking bed and breakfast.
10:14No, I didn't.
10:15Pitch.
10:16Boys, when you're on the ice, there's no room for chit-chatting with the other team.
10:19Don't be smiling at each other off the draws and all that.
10:21Say hello after the game if you want, but it's all business on the ice.
10:25Your loyalty is to your team.
10:27Joe Dolo.
10:28Joe Dolo.
10:29Joe Dolo.
10:30Joe Dolo.
10:31Joe Dolo.
10:32Joe Dolo.
10:33Joe Dolo.
10:34Joe Dolo.
10:35Joe Dolo.
10:36Joe Dolo.
10:37Joe Dolo.
10:38Joe Dolo.
10:39Joe Dolo.
10:40Joe Dolo.
10:41Joe Dolo.
10:42Joe Dolo.
10:43Joe Dolo.
10:44Joe Dolo.
10:45Joe Dolo.
10:46Joe Dolo.
10:47Joe Dolo.
10:48Joe Dolo.
10:49Joe Dolo.
10:50Joe Dolo.
10:51Joe Dolo.
10:52Joe Dolo.
10:53Joe Dolo.
10:54Joe Dolo.
10:55Joe Dolo.
10:56Joe Dolo.
10:57Joe Dolo.
10:58Joe Dolo.
10:59Joe Dolo.
11:00Joe Dolo.
11:01Joe Dolo.
11:02Joe Dolo.
11:03the no less than 500 dudes i've done it to let's fucking go i think we'll all have a gym or two
11:08on our team three if we're lucky oh did you guys square up with jim yes and jim and jim
11:14jims are unbelievable
11:23all right you're all off to camp real quick here now when you get there what are you going to be
11:29the best player on the ice you yeah no you won't be you can't skate i can skate well yeah like you
11:34got him on the wrong feet no i don't you know you're supposed to stay low to the ground when
11:38you skate hey you're fucking bob up and down like a figure skater skating enough to get drafted to the
11:43o fucking skates like a bird what he's getting like one of those birds that fucking bobs when
11:47they walk is fucking walking around like pecking and shit what are those called emus i don't know
11:51i don't know what the fuck you're talking about alpacas alpacas are more like camels well i know
11:55they're fucking mammals idiot i said camels all right raise your hand if you think carter's an
12:00ugly skater fuck you shorzy now let's point to the guy who's a fucking liar what was the question
12:06all right you're all going off to camp here when you get there what are you going to be the highest
12:11scoring defenseman come on what you yeah well you better hope there isn't an egg between you and the
12:16net why would there be a means your shot couldn't break an egg better hope there isn't a house of cards
12:21in the way the puck's not getting through fuck you shorzy i hope there isn't a little popsicle stick
12:25fence held together by fucking paste shut up you can't skate you can't shoot you're ugly and he's so
12:33fucking awkward oh my god but you're lucky because none of that really matters what matters is effort
12:40work ethic so when you get to camp what are you going to be the hardest worker out there that's right
12:47the hardest worker out there say it again the hardest worker out there that's right say it again
12:52the hardest worker out there hell yeah fuck yeah hell yeah yeah that's what matters that's what gets
12:58you remembered you understand do you think anyone's going to be thinking about jack's big forehead when
13:03they see a guy who will play an entire period if you need him to do you think anyone's going to be
13:07thinking about mason's back sits when they see a guy who's willing to push through the pain
13:11and hey don't forget where you come from you're from the north you're from sudbury we ain't pretty
13:20and we get dirty make sure when they see your number out there they see your hometown in the program
13:26and they say bingo of course you're from the home of the smokestacks you're from the home of the mines
13:33and you're from the home of the sudbury blueberry bulldogs bitch represent are you ready yeah don't
13:41sound like it boys yeah ready to do what it takes yeah to be unforgettable yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah get
13:49dirty get ugly get the job done here we go you're good at this orsy you should coach yeah what are you
14:00gonna do man when you don't know where to go go where you need it go where you're needed
14:30right here let's go no slut what if i was you never do anything but hockey it's fine shut up
14:49then leave me alone about it i'm putting it here putting what here my love
14:54why is this so awkward you told me to find a place to put my love yeah and so i'm putting it here
15:02with the bulldogs jersey i told you you're too hard to play it's a coach
15:09i think honestly it's going so bad i don't even know anymore came in here with real momentum and
15:14you just kind of squashed it it's supposed to be a great moment you ruined it sold out
15:19wait are you sure yeah you're sure yes we're doing this look i know you're a woman and everything
15:32but i'm not going to be constantly reassuring you shut up if you're in prove it
15:42i'm jory jordan with the sudbury kids sport report and we are back with breaking news after failing on tv
15:46like everyone knew he would number 69 shore crawls back to the armpit of ontario to try the only thing
15:50left and you can't do teach shores with nowhere to go but down i guess i'm wondering what's up
15:55was it love of the game that brought you back or the fact that you have nothing else going for you
15:58personally or professionally with the bulldogs recent success many say a coaching shake-ups is
16:02welcome as hemorrhoids at a pool party your thoughts should think you're here as far as vices go what
16:07most drew you to chewing tobacco the sucking or the spitting many have questioned nat's decision to
16:11hand the team over to a man with the emotional intelligence of a poopy baby and the common sense of a modern
16:14liberal i'm curious are you sleeping with her and if so what's that like i'm quite serious as it's
16:19the only logical explanation here is the sex 10 out of 10 as as most would assume or does it eclipse
16:23total perfection like i've been speculating on for years both publicly and privately
16:27do you take a full cialis for something like that or can you get by with just a hat
16:31would you say it was more awkward or disappointing when she screamed out my name instead of yours
16:36some final thoughts you're sure you've always been dumb and ugly at your age you won't be long
16:38until you're dumb ugly and fat care to comment with sea levels constantly rising is it comforting to
16:42watch your hairline constantly receding last one here shows you and we'll get you on your way
16:46as a man lacking any sort of real relationship in his life most would assume it's because you're
16:49stupid i think it's because you're boring who's right here
17:01hey go bulldogs where we going drinking with the cup tonight boys
17:05so how does it feel like the itch has been scratched it ain't the bulldogs without you man
17:18can you imagine us playing this season without you being there might have been there in what capacity
17:22pop in shower with the boys i said find a place to put your love i didn't mean literally
17:26just have a couple giggles and go don't fight me so much next time thanks for helping me get there
17:35big night blueberry festival dance don't worry we'll behave for you you know i realized something
17:44i have been down your throats all summer about this team's reputation down our throat i know i know
17:50you've been straight up our dumpers i thought you were acting like idiots hurting our reputation
17:57drinking from the cup all over greater sudbury i'm sad i missed the splash and go
18:01the beef and bird must have been a highlight yeah porchetta bingo would have been my first stop
18:07looked like good times at saidbury cartways i'm right in the middle of bridging nations
18:14and you were acting like idiots
18:19but you were doing what you should be doing sharing it with the community
18:23and that's my bulldogs that's my guys
18:33i hope they have fun tonight
18:34i know you
18:47i know you
23:48Fuck you, Shorty.
23:49Fuck you, Liam.
23:50Your mum sent me video over ripping a three-octave fart.
23:53I laughed so hard I almost fell out of Corey's mum's bed.
23:56Fuck you.
23:56Fuck you.
23:57Fuck you.
24:26It's a progressive movement.
24:55I just feel like you can lose it to the real side.
25:00Anyone who fights against it is thinking of a negative.
25:03They should be thinking of a puzzle.
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