- 1 day ago
A blonde (Teri Copley) and her boyfriend (Steve Altman) visit the castle of Lord Byron Orlock (Robert Vaughn), her vampire uncle.
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Short filmTranscript
00:00:00Oh, my God.
00:00:30Oh, my God.
00:01:00Oh, my God.
00:01:30Oh, my God.
00:02:00Oh, my God.
00:02:29Oh, my God.
00:02:59Oh, my God.
00:03:29Oh, my God.
00:03:59Oh, my God.
00:04:29Oh, my God.
00:04:59Oh, my God.
00:05:29Oh, my God.
00:05:31Oh, my God.
00:05:33Oh, my God.
00:05:35Oh, my God.
00:05:37Oh, my God.
00:05:39Oh, my God.
00:05:41Oh, my God.
00:05:43Oh, my God.
00:05:45Oh, my God.
00:05:47Oh, my God.
00:05:49Oh, my God.
00:05:51Oh, my God.
00:05:53Oh, my God.
00:05:55Oh, my God.
00:06:03Oh, my God.
00:06:05Oh, my God.
00:06:07So you might as well spend it here at Death City, where we put the fun back in funerals.
00:06:14And I'll stand in my head to bury your dead.
00:06:16And now, let's get back to our movies, The Vampire DJs from Hell.
00:06:37Excuse me, is this the service for Ephraim Ward?
00:06:57Indeed, sir. Are you related to the deceased?
00:07:00As far as I know, I'm his only living relative. My name is Dexter Ward.
00:07:04Oh, of course, Mr. Ward. I spoke to you on the phone when you made the arrangement.
00:07:07Right. We've opened the casket so that the bereaved might pay their last respects.
00:07:34Goodbye, Uncle Ephraim.
00:07:37The book. The book of Al-Far. You must find it.
00:07:49It alone has the power to summon forth the evil one.
00:07:56What am I doing here?
00:07:58You're dead, Uncle Ephraim.
00:07:59Like hell I am.
00:08:01Get me out of this goddamn thing.
00:08:05What stupid son of a bitch pronounced me dead?
00:08:08He was Dr. Mallory.
00:08:10That quack in this cheap jack place.
00:08:12Didn't even bother to embalm me.
00:08:14Help me. Help me. Help me.
00:08:17Dear me, this was rather unexpected.
00:08:20You can all go home. I'm not dead.
00:08:25Dexter, my boy, give me your arm.
00:08:28Get out of here, you miserable toadies.
00:08:31Phony bastards. Never saw one of them before in my life.
00:08:34You're looking much better since the funeral, Uncle Ephraim.
00:08:40You know, I think death agrees with you.
00:08:41Dexter, you're the only person who seems genuinely happy I'm still alive.
00:08:46Well, remember what they said about that condition of yours.
00:08:48You sure it's such a good idea returning to work this soon?
00:08:50Oh, my boy, this library is my life.
00:08:54For 40 years, I've been responsible for the world's largest collection of books on witchcraft and the black arts.
00:09:00That's what I call job security.
00:09:02Dexter, have you ever heard of the book of Ulthar?
00:09:05Nope.
00:09:06Ulthar was a sorcerer at a time before history when all the world was in darkness and chaos prevailed.
00:09:13Oh, yeah, I remember the Reagan administration.
00:09:15No, no. It was the reign of the evil one, an elder god that once walked the earth.
00:09:22Ulthar cast a spell which banished this unearthly creature to the eternal void beyond time and space.
00:09:29Yeah, I spent a weekend there once.
00:09:32You may scuff, but many authorities believe that the evil one has been waiting these countless eons for the counter spell that would free it from its astral exile.
00:09:42Yeah, I know. Once again, we'll all be down the crapper.
00:09:45Correct. Ulthar placed all his mystic incantations in one volume, which has been carefully guarded throughout the ages.
00:09:54Then, 20 years ago, I made a tragic error. I lent the book out.
00:10:03Isn't that what libraries are supposed to do?
00:10:05Not with such a priceless volume. The culprit's name was Marinus Orlok. His academic credentials were impeccable.
00:10:14And a few days later, he simply vanished with my book. For two decades, I vainly attempted to find some trace of him.
00:10:23Then finally, just recently, I unearthed a clue. A daughter living in Los Angeles. I was about to contact her when I had my attack.
00:10:34I had a feeling this was all leading someplace.
00:10:36You've been like a son to me, Dexter. I know it's a great favor to ask, but...
00:10:41Don't, don't, don't. You know, I owe you more than I could ever repay. You give me that address, I'll find that book.
00:10:46Orlok's daughter is named Marissa.
00:10:49Marissa.
00:10:50You can contact her... here.
00:10:53All right, everybody. Quiet with pictures.
00:11:10I don't like snaplectic. I don't play chess. I'm just not used to second best.
00:11:17I don't watch Wheel of Fortune or Meet the Press. I'm not the kind who gets depressed.
00:11:27Just give me action. Your love is the attraction. It's pure satisfaction.
00:11:37Yeah.
00:11:47I don't like blastin' out of here, screw gun control. I want some fun before I get old.
00:11:57I don't mind causing accidents. I'm on a roll. Who cares if I'm on parole?
00:12:06Just give me action. Your love keeps me in traction. It's pure satisfaction.
00:12:17Let's start a revolution. Call it John Wayne. Your love is drivin' me insane.
00:12:33Let's storm a foreign missile base. Start World War III. Knock off the Ayatollah for me.
00:12:40Just give me action. Your love is the attraction. It's pure satisfaction. It's pure satisfaction.
00:12:52Come on and give me a little action, will you?
00:13:02Cut!
00:13:14Woo!
00:13:15That was beautiful, Marissa!
00:13:19Is everything all right?
00:13:20Babe, they only make one word to describe your performance. Simply sensational.
00:13:24That's two words.
00:13:24Right. Right now, I predict that song's gonna win a granny.
00:13:27That's granny!
00:13:28No, dearie. He meant granny.
00:13:30Here you go, Chief.
00:13:33Okay, everybody. It's a rat.
00:13:39Pardon me. Pardon me. You're Marissa Orlach, right?
00:13:42How did you know my last name? Not even my press agent knows that.
00:13:45I'm Dexter Ward. I've been tracking you down all over L.A.
00:13:48Hey, look, I love my fans, but don't let it get out of control, okay?
00:13:51No, you don't understand. See, I want to talk to you about your father, Marinus.
00:13:55What about my father?
00:13:57Well, you see, my Uncle Ephraim, he's got...
00:13:59Wait, we can talk in here. It's private.
00:14:06Hey!
00:14:08Hey!
00:14:08Hey!
00:14:08This isn't the same for the last drive.
00:14:11It's where they used to film all those old sitcoms.
00:14:13Now, what information do you have about my father?
00:14:17Oh, well, not much, I'm afraid. Apparently, sometime in the late 60s, your father borrowed a one-of-a-kind volume from the Arkham Public Library, the Book of Althar.
00:14:26Now, supposedly, when translated, this book could open up a doorway to another dimension.
00:14:31What was that?
00:14:34It's one of those old laugh track machines. They used to use it on all these shows.
00:14:39Oh, who's operating it?
00:14:40No one. I think they just forgot to turn it off. But don't worry, it's programmed to laugh at anything.
00:14:45See what I mean?
00:14:46Oh, where was I?
00:14:49Oh, yeah. Anyway, my Uncle Ephraim is the head librarian at Arkham, and he's a little eager to have this particular book returned.
00:14:56So, I was kind of hoping you could give me a current address on your father.
00:15:00Oh, I was hoping you could give me one.
00:15:02See, my father left when I was quite young.
00:15:04He arranged a Swiss bank account for our support, but neither my mother or I have heard from him in, like, nearly 20 years.
00:15:11And I'd give anything to see him again.
00:15:14Hey, that's not funny.
00:15:17Well, I'm sorry we had to meet under these circumstances. I, uh, I won't bother you anymore.
00:15:25Hello!
00:15:27Holy Captain Video! You must be characters from the future.
00:15:31Let's see, this is where the plot's tickin'.
00:15:33Telegram, uh, telegram for Marissa Orlach.
00:15:36Oh, I'm Marissa Orlach.
00:15:37Yeah, well, this must be three.
00:15:40Let's see.
00:15:41Will you come on?
00:15:48What a crouch.
00:15:51Oh, it's from Victor Van Halsting.
00:15:54I don't know anybody by that name.
00:15:57Come immediately to Castle Orlach in Transylvania.
00:16:04No.
00:16:05My father just died.
00:16:14How painful this must be for you.
00:16:18I'm going to call the travel agency.
00:16:22I'm going to serve tickets for two.
00:16:23Two?
00:16:24For Transylvania.
00:16:25Ladies and gentlemen, we are now beginning of this earth in Transylvania.
00:16:38Please fasten your seatbelts and extinguish all port.
00:16:44Thank you for flying Transylvania Airlines.
00:16:47The white zone is for immediate loading and unloading of coffins.
00:16:53There is no dying in the red zone.
00:16:56And, at the signpost up ahead, the twilight zone.
00:16:59Oh, it's beautiful here.
00:17:05Now, what do we do?
00:17:06Well, according to the telegram, we'll go straight to Hansburg.
00:17:09It's a small village just west of here.
00:17:11Got any neat ideas on how to get there?
00:17:13Nope.
00:17:14Okay.
00:17:19I could live here.
00:17:24Maxie!
00:17:26I'm not sure.
00:17:27We're trying to get to Hansburg.
00:17:29Look, lady, you either want a taxi or you don't want a taxi.
00:17:32No skin off my ass, you're the way.
00:17:34Then you're in there, kid.
00:17:35You got it, baby.
00:17:36Maxie Field.
00:17:37Big Apple Cab Company.
00:17:39Oh.
00:17:39What are you doing here?
00:17:40Can I help her if they give me a bad area?
00:17:43So, hey, I'm not taking a bad here for my health.
00:17:45You want a ride or not?
00:17:46You got it.
00:17:47Can you take us to Hansburg?
00:17:49I don't usually like to go into that area after dark, but, uh...
00:17:52Hey, affair's affair, right?
00:17:54You know what I mean?
00:17:56Hop in.
00:18:03Those red caps, they don't look too well.
00:18:08Yeah, they're zombies.
00:18:09Forget about them.
00:18:10You get your...
00:18:11What?
00:18:11The walking's dead?
00:18:13Hey, New York, you got your junkies.
00:18:15Here, you got your zombies.
00:18:17What's the difference?
00:18:18They all look like Keith Richards anyway.
00:18:20They don't look particularly efficient.
00:18:25Yeah, they're dead.
00:18:26They're all messed up.
00:18:27Nice scenery around here.
00:18:41Hey, folks, you got your misshrouded moors, your bleak forest, desolate graveyards.
00:18:46Great place for picnics.
00:18:48You know, you didn't have to come.
00:18:49If I found the book of Alka, I could have just sent it to you.
00:18:52You know.
00:18:53You don't mind me being here, do you?
00:18:55No.
00:18:56It's nice to have company.
00:18:58Especially in a place like this.
00:18:59Ah, who knows.
00:19:01Maybe they'll put up a Disneyland here someday.
00:19:03Yeah, I could see it all now.
00:19:05Vampires of the Caribbean, right over there someplace.
00:19:09Hey, did you say that you were a librarian?
00:19:11No, no, no.
00:19:12My uncle's a librarian.
00:19:13I'm just helping him out during summer vacation.
00:19:14I'm studying pre-med at Arkham University.
00:19:17I was going to be a lawyer, but I couldn't stand a sight of blood.
00:19:20I never finished high school.
00:19:22Oh, really?
00:19:24Ah, despite graduating from high school,
00:19:26Marissa's recording career prevented her from pursuing a higher education.
00:19:30We're doing a little research.
00:19:33Oh, at least that much is true.
00:19:36Wait a minute.
00:19:37Describe your perfect mate.
00:19:38Yeah, here we go.
00:19:39Tall, handsome, great sense of humor.
00:19:41You feel like anybody you know?
00:19:43Eh, one out of three is bad.
00:19:48Sorry about the bumps.
00:19:50We got better roads in the Bronx.
00:19:52I still don't understand what a New York cabbie is doing in a place like this.
00:19:56You talking to me?
00:19:57Nobody else here.
00:19:58Must be talking to me.
00:20:00I wanted to get out of the city.
00:20:01Big mistake.
00:20:03You can't even find a decent piece of pizza in this whole damn country.
00:20:08I'll bite.
00:20:09Thanks.
00:20:13You know, we don't seem to be getting the media coverage off what we would.
00:20:32You missed the point, Mr. Mole.
00:20:34We be stopping any unauthorized grave robbers from sneaking in and nipping the old gentleman inside.
00:20:40Aye.
00:20:41And selling them to those medical chaps for a measly ten bob.
00:20:44Ten bob doesn't sound so bad here and now.
00:20:47We could buy another bottle.
00:20:48Help us keep warm.
00:20:50Oh, that we could, Mr. Sweeney.
00:20:52That we...
00:20:52Be ye suggesting we cross our own picket line.
00:20:55Aye, that I be, Mr. Mole.
00:20:57Did you bring your tools with you?
00:20:59Would a good union man be without his tools or trade?
00:21:02Always a pleasure to see a professional at work, Mr. Sweeney.
00:21:13Why, thank you, Mr. Mole.
00:21:16You've got these bloody alarms on everything these days.
00:21:21Off to you, Mr. Mole.
00:21:23Off to you, Mr. Sweeney.
00:21:25Off to you, Mr. Mole.
00:21:55No, no, no, please.
00:21:58Oh, my God.
00:22:17Oh, I love that.
00:22:19Oh, my God.
00:22:22Oh, my God.
00:22:24Oh, thank you.
00:22:26Phew.
00:22:44Thank God.
00:22:49Thank God?
00:22:51Thank God I got him before dinner.
00:22:54Thank God.
00:23:25Oh, this place looks worse than an Italian villa.
00:23:30Pardon me. Pardon me.
00:23:32Here's a lovely place you got here, but, um, how can you throw all this garlic?
00:23:38Excuse me.
00:23:41Excuse me.
00:23:42Um, can somebody tell us how to get to Castle Orlox?
00:23:55I don't think they've heard of it.
00:23:57Perhaps I can help you.
00:24:08I am the chief constable.
00:24:10Oh, hello there.
00:24:11My name is Dexter Ward.
00:24:12Hans Hopp.
00:24:14No, no, that's my name.
00:24:16Oh, I see.
00:24:17Hopp.
00:24:17Hans Hopp.
00:24:18Correct.
00:24:19Now, hands down.
00:24:20Yes, what is it?
00:24:21I'm not talking to you, Hans.
00:24:23I'm talking to Hans.
00:24:24That's Hans down, our local undertaker.
00:24:27Well, constable, with all these similar names, you must have your hands full.
00:24:30Yes.
00:24:31Knew it.
00:24:32Well, perhaps you can help us, constable, Hopp.
00:24:37Perhaps.
00:24:38What would be your business at Castle Orlox?
00:24:41Well, you see, my name is Marissa Orlox, and my late father lived there.
00:24:46Oh.
00:24:47Somehow I don't think Dad was the president of the local Kiwanis club.
00:24:51Oh, stop it.
00:24:52You don't mean to say you're Marinus Orlox's daughter.
00:24:56Yes.
00:24:57Yes, you don't mean to say it?
00:24:58No, I do mean to say it.
00:25:00Let me rephrase this.
00:25:01Are you not Marinus Orlox's daughter?
00:25:03Yes.
00:25:04Yes, you are not.
00:25:05No, yes, I am.
00:25:07Put it another way.
00:25:08Well, let's make this simple.
00:25:09This is Marissa Orlox.
00:25:10I'm Dexter Ward.
00:25:11We're looking for Castle Orlox, and we're all here to play Super Password.
00:25:16Young lady, I seriously suggest that you stay away from the castle.
00:25:21It has been boarded up since your father's death.
00:25:25There's no one up there now.
00:25:27At least, no one.
00:25:31Alive.
00:25:36Who's playing that rock?
00:25:38Well, that's nonsense.
00:25:40I received a telegram stating that my Uncle Byron had already arrived there.
00:25:44He's back.
00:25:46Byron Orlox is back.
00:25:48Now no one will be safe.
00:25:49Not our wives, our children, our mistresses.
00:25:52And he's coming in on the new train.
00:25:54Hey, wait a minute.
00:25:57I'm in the wrong movie.
00:25:59You're not telling me that Byron Orlox is back.
00:26:02No, no, wait a minute.
00:26:03Don't start that again.
00:26:05What's wrong with everybody?
00:26:07Wrong?
00:26:08Nothing is wrong, little man.
00:26:10You must make allowances.
00:26:12These are but superstitious peasants, afraid of their own shadows.
00:26:18You see what I mean?
00:26:23There is much to fear in the shadows.
00:26:26And even more to fear from vampires.
00:26:31There were legends many years ago, but fairy tales to frightened children.
00:26:47Tell me, constable, where do legends end and facts begin?
00:26:51What is the shadowy boundary between science and superstition?
00:26:54And how can you tell the groom at a Polish wedding?
00:26:57I'm afraid you have made a loss.
00:26:59Ah, I thought as much.
00:27:02You are Marissa Orlox?
00:27:04Yes.
00:27:04I'm Dr. Victor Van Helsing.
00:27:05It was I who sent you that telegram, my car.
00:27:08For a good time call, Victor Van Helsing.
00:27:12Vampire, honor.
00:27:14I don't understand.
00:27:15I've been awaiting your arrival.
00:27:16You may share my coach.
00:27:18Oh, wait, wait.
00:27:19Wait, wait.
00:27:21Vade, my son.
00:27:23I once had a boy just like you.
00:27:26Here, take this.
00:27:27It will protect you from evil.
00:27:30Thanks.
00:27:31Wait a minute, buddy.
00:27:32That'll be a buck seventy-five.
00:27:34Oh, man.
00:27:42You know my father?
00:27:45Marinis and I were colleagues many years ago.
00:27:48Then something happened and I never saw him again.
00:27:51A few days ago I learned that he had died and I had been named executor of the estate.
00:27:54And that's when you contacted me?
00:27:55Correct.
00:27:56You and your uncle are the only two known living heirs.
00:27:59I believe Lord Byron and his family are already at the castle.
00:28:02Come.
00:28:02Okay.
00:28:06Dexter, what took you so long?
00:28:08The old lady in the gift shop, if you must know.
00:28:11Here.
00:28:11This might come in handy.
00:28:13Does this name have gone steady?
00:28:16Driver!
00:28:17I don't care.
00:28:47I don't care what anyone says.
00:28:49This hurts.
00:29:05Are you really a vampire hunter?
00:29:07Is that card some kind of joke?
00:29:09Young lady, I never joke about vampires.
00:29:15No way, are we talking about furry flying bats?
00:29:18We are speaking of the undead.
00:29:19Undead?
00:29:20What do you mean, not alive?
00:29:22They are neither dead nor alive.
00:29:23Sounds like my agent.
00:29:24I am referring to the evil spirits who inhabit the bodies of the deceased.
00:29:28They arise from their coffins to feed upon the blood of the living.
00:29:31That's my agent, all right.
00:29:33I've made the eradication of these creatures my life's work.
00:29:35So, there's a lot of money in this stuff?
00:29:37I was always encouraged to uphold the family tradition, even as a child.
00:29:40So, what's happening?
00:29:43I don't know.
00:29:43Either the projectionist is falling asleep, or Van Helsing's having a flashback.
00:29:47Oh.
00:29:52Merry Christmas, young Victor.
00:29:54Thanks, Dad.
00:30:03This is just what I wanted.
00:30:06Of course, vampire hunting has its moments of tension, even for a small boy.
00:30:11Victor.
00:30:12Victor Van Helsing.
00:30:14Yes, Mrs. Caldwell?
00:30:16Are you responsible for that?
00:30:19Yes, Mrs. Caldwell?
00:30:25Bring it here.
00:30:26Okay.
00:30:33Now, I want you to write on the blackboard.
00:30:36I will not stake vampires in glass.
00:30:39And I want you to do it 50 times.
00:30:42Another flashback?
00:30:44Don't worry.
00:30:44I think it's the last one.
00:30:45Oh, good.
00:30:46Gosh, Betty Lou, I really like you.
00:30:49And I really like you, Victor.
00:30:52You're not like the other girls.
00:30:54I was wondering when you'd get around to noticing that.
00:30:57Somehow, you're more mature than the others.
00:31:00Well, I am 19.
00:31:0119?
00:31:02But that's not old.
00:31:041900.
00:31:07That's old.
00:31:09Perhaps we ought to start back home.
00:31:12It is getting rather late.
00:31:13Later than you think, Victor.
00:31:14Please, no hickeys.
00:31:17Don't worry, Victor.
00:31:18I'll still respect you in the morning.
00:31:20I think we both need a drink first.
00:31:24Perhaps you're right.
00:31:25It may help to warm our blood.
00:31:28Ladies first.
00:31:29Holy water.
00:31:46Don't leave home without it.
00:31:49From that time onward, I've dedicated my life to scourging the earth of this evil.
00:31:53Wow, they really do exist.
00:31:56I assure you, they exist.
00:31:58In fact, there's been a recent epidemic of vampirism in this vicinity.
00:32:01I destroyed one such creature before you arrived this evening.
00:32:04Maybe you could mail me that book.
00:32:07Now, you two have nothing to fear while under my protection.
00:32:10I may be kindly Dr. Van Helsing to you, but to the undead, I am the son of Sam.
00:32:16Frightened?
00:32:18Me?
00:32:19You don't really expect me to swallow that, do you?
00:32:21I swallowed it.
00:32:23Hey, come on, Miss Maris.
00:32:24We're riding here in the beautiful, colorful countryside, being pulled by a horse-drawn carriage,
00:32:29moonlight.
00:32:30What could be more romantic?
00:32:32High noon on the Mojave Desert.
00:32:34Listen, the hills are alive with the sound of music.
00:32:40It's gonna sing, folks.
00:32:41Time to hit that snack bar.
00:32:43Thanks, you're not gonna sing.
00:32:45Uh-huh.
00:32:46But why throw a light-hearted song in in a town like this?
00:32:49Listen, let me tell you all about it.
00:32:51Take one grand little melody.
00:32:54Write some cutesy lyrics and just paste them together.
00:32:57Now, oh, oh, wow.
00:33:00Think of the royalties I'm making.
00:33:04Woo!
00:33:06And in a bit, yeah.
00:33:09I'll have a hissing this summer.
00:33:12And you can bet I'll sell cassettes and CDs.
00:33:20Hey there, I'll write some DJs.
00:33:23And this little song of mine will climb up their charts now.
00:33:27Oh, wow.
00:33:28Think of the royalties I'm making.
00:33:32Who cares if it's good or not?
00:33:37Hey, it doesn't matter, really.
00:33:41Kids will buy anything, then charge it today.
00:33:47So, hey there, I've got a song here.
00:33:59And some cutesy lyrics and I'll pull them together now.
00:34:03Oh, wow.
00:34:04Think of the royalties I'm gonna make.
00:34:11Do you get very many girls that way?
00:34:14No, but it, uh, kills three minutes.
00:34:16Castle Warlock, just ahead.
00:34:18Oh, well, no, you know it's fine.
00:34:19I'm gonna get one of the rod for you,
00:34:21but I know it's fine with you.
00:34:21Oh, never mind.
00:34:22這麼 happy.
00:34:27Oh, OK, I'll give a pen.
00:34:35Are you sitting here and say,
00:34:37This is a building moyen?
00:34:39Yeah.
00:34:40Just how was it,
00:34:41Did you do that for you?
00:34:43Yeah.
00:34:44Hooray наша,
00:34:46Yes.
00:34:46All right, girls, it's party time.
00:35:16Whoop, whoop, whoop. Castor, lock everybody out.
00:35:23Hey. Oh, man.
00:35:28Well, you're getting no tips from me.
00:35:31What's he feeding those horses?
00:35:33What frightened himself?
00:35:35It's as if a blight had settled over this land.
00:35:37Notice the singular lack of vegetation, the scarcity of animal life,
00:35:41and the absence of major league sporting events.
00:35:44It's not much of a castle, really.
00:35:47Sure, it's the best they could afford on a budget.
00:36:07Maybe it's bingo night.
00:36:08Perhaps they can't hear us.
00:36:09Don't be ridiculous. We're making enough noise to raise...
00:36:14the dead.
00:36:16You must leave this place at once.
00:36:18Look, I assure you, we are not Jehovah's Witnesses.
00:36:21Lord Byron left strict instructions that he was to receive no visitors.
00:36:24Nonsense. I'm Dr. Victor Van Helsing, and I am expected.
00:36:27And I'm Marissa Orlach, and I'm also expected.
00:36:30And you?
00:36:31I'm Dexter Ward. I'm along for the comedy relief.
00:36:34That's a matter of opinion.
00:36:36And what is your name, my good man?
00:36:38Stefan, sir.
00:36:39Well, Stefan, sir, I insist you show us inside.
00:36:42Well, that's what it looks like.
00:36:44I meant escort us in.
00:36:46Very well.
00:36:48Let it be on your heads.
00:36:50Let what be on our heads?
00:36:52Enter.
00:36:54Oh, goodness.
00:36:55Would you look at this place?
00:37:09You suppose our interior decorator is among the living?
00:37:12Ivan announced you to Lord Byron.
00:37:16I never met my uncle.
00:37:21As a matter of fact, I didn't even know I had one until I received a telegram.
00:37:26Well, I never met him either, but I understand he was the black sheep of the family.
00:37:30He was supposedly expelled from kindergarten for extreme brutality.
00:37:33Yeah, I think I went to school with him.
00:37:35According to Marinus, he banished Byron from the castle some time ago.
00:37:39Apparently, they had a violent disagreement over one particular book.
00:37:43A book?
00:37:44You don't have to recall the title, do you?
00:37:46Well, my memory is not quite what it used to be,
00:37:48but it was either the Book of Ulthar or the latest Jackie Collins novel.
00:37:52Does anybody know what happened to it?
00:37:54I would imagine both volumes are somewhere still here in the castle.
00:37:58Did you hear that, Marissa?
00:38:00Marissa?
00:38:10Marissa, it's you.
00:38:11That's not me. I'm standing here. That's a painting of me.
00:38:15Must be an ancestor of mine.
00:38:17I wonder who she is.
00:38:19I don't know, but I doubt she had trouble finding a date on a Saturday night.
00:38:23Dexter, don't you know better than to put your hand on someone's shoulder in a spooky place like this?
00:38:43I'm sorry, I just wanted to show you something.
00:38:45There are a number of ways of attracting one's attention.
00:38:47Damn, I hate cheap sharks like that.
00:38:49Come on, you gotta check this out.
00:38:51Marissa just discovered something that I...
00:38:53God, I dream of combinations like that.
00:39:03Marissa, come forward, dear cousin.
00:39:07We want to give you a kiss.
00:39:09Yes, dear cousin, come closer.
00:39:13I want to give you a big, wet, gooey one.
00:39:27Marissa, look out!
00:39:29Oh, my lord, I could have been killed.
00:39:31That chandelier's probably been hanging there over a hundred years.
00:39:33If the moment one of us steps underneath, it falls.
00:39:35All I remember is staring at the portrait and then...
00:39:37Well, look at me, they're your relatives.
00:39:39I see the chandelier has fallen again.
00:39:41It always does that when we have guests.
00:39:45I see the chandelier has fallen again.
00:39:47It always does that when we have guests.
00:39:51I see the chandelier has fallen again.
00:39:55It always does that when we have guests.
00:39:59Lord Orlark?
00:40:01I am Byron Orlark.
00:40:03And you are welcome in my home.
00:40:05Yes, we've, uh, met your welcoming committee.
00:40:07Legally, the point of ownership has yet to be established.
00:40:09I am Dr. Victor Van Helsing, executive of your brother's estate.
00:40:13Then you have Marissa's last word and testament.
00:40:15Along with specific instructions concerning his funeral arrangements.
00:40:19I am Dr. Victor Van Helsing, executive of your brother's estate.
00:40:21Then you have Marissa's last word and testament.
00:40:24Along with specific instructions concerning his funeral arrangements.
00:40:28An honor, sir.
00:40:30And you are Marissa?
00:40:31Yes.
00:40:32The family resemblance is truly astonishing.
00:40:36My condolences to you at this time, my dear.
00:40:41But I don't seem to recognize this young man.
00:40:44This is Dexter Ward, Uncle Byron.
00:40:46He's a friend.
00:40:47Of anyone in particular?
00:40:49Or just generally well-liked?
00:40:51Lord Orlark, we were just remarking on the amazing similarity between Marissa and the lady in that portrait.
00:41:01Ah, yes.
00:41:02But first, Marissa Orlark.
00:41:05You are her namesake, my dear.
00:41:07I was hoping to find out more about my father, Uncle Byron.
00:41:10Well, there's not very much to tell.
00:41:12There was always a great deal of animosity between us.
00:41:16Even as a child, Marissa disapproved of my torturing small animals.
00:41:23Come now.
00:41:25You've had a long and tiring journey, no doubt.
00:41:29Permit me to show you to your own.
00:41:32Did you and my father ever straighten out your differences?
00:41:37Even towards the end, we didn't get along particularly well.
00:41:40His last letter to me began,
00:41:44Dear Shithead.
00:41:46Sorry to hear that.
00:41:48You were born into a most remarkable family, my dear.
00:41:52These are but a few of our illustrious ancestors.
00:41:56This is Roderick Orlark.
00:42:00Thief, drug addict, professional assassin,
00:42:04and part-time used car sales.
00:42:13And this is Lenore Orlark.
00:42:15Blackmailer, horrid, murderous,
00:42:20and two-time president of the local PTA.
00:42:24She died in the madhouse.
00:42:28Is that hereditary?
00:42:33And surely this must be the best of the lot.
00:42:36Hans Orlark.
00:42:38Sodomist, incestal, pedophile,
00:42:42and member of the Nixon administration.
00:42:46I wax nostalgia.
00:42:54Stefan!
00:42:56Yes, my lord?
00:42:58Where'd he come from?
00:43:00Stefan automatically materializes whenever he's needed.
00:43:03I've never figured out quite how.
00:43:06Trade secret, my lord.
00:43:09Stefan, gather their luggage and take it to their room.
00:43:13Yes, my lord.
00:43:16He dematerializes the same way.
00:43:19Totally perplexing.
00:43:22Come with me.
00:43:25We'll have a few hours to freshen up before the services.
00:43:29Services?
00:43:30For your father.
00:43:32Marinus Orlark's funeral will be held down there.
00:43:36Precisely.
00:43:37At midnight.
00:43:46And it is a commonly held misconception that the undead can transform themselves into bats.
00:43:49Pure nonsense.
00:43:50True, they can change into frogs, flounders, aardbarks, pelicans, baboons, and warthogs, but never bats.
00:43:57I say.
00:44:01Say you'll help me.
00:44:02I must leave this place.
00:44:03You're my only hope.
00:44:04Young woman, what seems to be the matter?
00:44:06It's Lord Orlark.
00:44:07He keeps me locked in this castle.
00:44:08He's taken everything away.
00:44:10My freedom.
00:44:11My vibrator.
00:44:13My traveler's checks.
00:44:15And I'll bet they weren't American Express.
00:44:17Oh, you must help me.
00:44:19You're my only hope.
00:44:20You must.
00:44:21There, there.
00:44:38Now, if I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times.
00:44:40No between-meal snacks.
00:44:44I'll go to your room.
00:44:46You're grounded.
00:44:47My apologies, Doctor.
00:44:51My daughter sometimes becomes overly agitated.
00:44:56You see, we do not get too many visitors to the castle.
00:45:01Difficult to imagine why.
00:45:03Lord Orlark.
00:45:04You have something on your mind.
00:45:07Ah, too much ketchup on my french fries.
00:45:16I'll try.
00:45:36Marissa?
00:45:41How did I know?
00:45:46Marissa?
00:45:58What is the meaning of this intrusion?
00:46:00I'm sorry, I'm looking for Marissa Orlach.
00:46:03Does that give you the right to burst into my room unannounced?
00:46:06No, no, and I apologize for it.
00:46:09Hey, wait a minute.
00:46:12You're Boris Karloff, aren't you?
00:46:15Yes.
00:46:16Sure, I just saw you in that movie with Jack Nicholson, the terror.
00:46:21Forgive me for reviving painful memories.
00:46:24I don't believe that.
00:46:27Nobody's seen or heard of you since 1969.
00:46:31For 20 years, I've lived here alone.
00:46:34You're kidding me!
00:46:36Jeez, that drives me crazy.
00:46:40You think I'm mad, don't you?
00:46:42No.
00:46:43No.
00:46:44Hey, I've only been here an hour in this spook house, and I'm already starting to go to Looney Tunes.
00:46:49Ah.
00:46:50Perhaps we're both mad.
00:46:54Maybe.
00:46:55I gotta go, Boris.
00:46:58Try and get out, Boris.
00:47:00Try and get out, Boris.
00:47:01Oh, so that's how they made all those movies.
00:47:15We'll be back.
00:47:16Yeah.
00:47:17No.
00:47:18I don't know what that means.
00:47:19No.
00:47:20I have no idea.
00:47:22No.
00:47:23No.
00:47:24No.
00:47:25No.
00:47:26No.
00:47:27No.
00:47:28No.
00:47:29No.
00:47:31No.
00:47:32No.
00:47:33No.
00:47:34No.
00:47:35No.
00:47:36No.
00:47:37No.
00:47:38No.
00:47:39No.
00:47:40No.
00:47:41Oh, my God.
00:48:11Hello?
00:48:15They're here.
00:48:24Well, no one ever said I'm a handsome man.
00:48:28What are you doing here?
00:48:30Merely standing here ominously, ma'am. Does that displease you?
00:48:34I didn't hear you come in. Don't you believe in announcing yourself?
00:48:37Oh, anyway. Year seven.
00:48:41Well, what do you want, then?
00:48:43Oh, yes. Lord Byron sent me with some good news and some bad news.
00:48:48Oh, what's the bad news?
00:48:50Master Marinus is still dead.
00:48:53Well, what's the good news?
00:48:55Hmm. There is no good news.
00:48:59Bad.
00:49:25Ah.
00:49:26Come, Alicia.
00:49:30I would like you to meet my family.
00:49:33These are my adopted daughters.
00:49:35Patty.
00:49:37Hmm.
00:49:38Maxine.
00:49:40And Laverne.
00:49:43We've met.
00:49:44Now, for a final tribute to Marinus.
00:49:48Stephan will play his favorite musical recording.
00:49:53Hit it.
00:49:54Twins.
00:49:55Ah!
00:49:56Weep!
00:49:57T-sh-sh...
00:49:58No!
00:49:59T-sh!
00:50:00T-sh.
00:50:01T-sh!
00:50:02T-sh!
00:50:03T-sh!
00:50:04T-sh!
00:50:05Tim!
00:50:06T-sh!
00:50:07T-sh!
00:50:08T-sh!
00:50:09T-sh!
00:50:10T-sh!
00:50:11T-sh!
00:50:21T-sh!
00:50:22it's an old family custom now if the doctor and your young friend will assist Stefan and I
00:50:47will take the coffin below below yes all the orlocks are interred in the family crypt beneath the castle
00:50:57where else
00:50:59I don't like this
00:51:06what's that a rubber bat we keep them down here for atmosphere put it up ego
00:51:26hey hey what's that noise rubber rats no doubt no it's coming from inside the coffin muscular
00:51:36contractions not uncommon after death muscular contractions this guy's doing the chain found a
00:51:42workout in here allow me to assure you marinus or luck is dead oh you've assured me and I want
00:51:50to try convincing him as I was saying marinus has taken his place with the rest of our family
00:51:56now I wait my turn to share their endless nights of eternal darkness
00:52:06it's a little like looking forward to Christmas isn't it
00:52:09now in accordance with your father's last wish we shall view the will
00:52:16you apparently marinus videotaped his last will and testament
00:52:19I suppose you might call it the late show
00:52:23you know call me frivolous but you ever wonder what a nice peruvian tile would look like in here
00:52:39hello I marinus or luck being of sound mind and in full possession of my mental faculties
00:52:58here with declare my last will and testament but let this not be a somber occasion
00:53:05come on kiddies let's have some fun
00:53:07come on kiddies let's have some fun
00:53:11and then you ever wonder what a nice peruvian tile is going on
00:53:20and now here's your host for the newly dead games the late but irrepressible
00:53:26marinus or luck hey marinus come on down
00:53:29thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you friends and heirs but first let us meet our two
00:53:45new contestants that's right marinus she's a singer musician and composer living in los angeles california
00:53:52let's hear it for marissa orlock
00:53:54contestant number two currently resides in transylvania his hobbies include stamp collecting leather craft and necrophilia
00:54:04ladies and gentlemen byron orlock
00:54:07now i know that marissa and byron are both in our viewing audience tonight so let's take a look
00:54:17at their wonderful prizes it's a castle yes it's castle orlock one of the most dreaded places on earth
00:54:25this stately matter comes complete with antique furnishings and an ancient family curse but wait
00:54:30that's not all you'll also receive this swiss bank account total retail value of this wonderful price seven and a half
00:54:38million dollars and now it's time for you right here in our studio audience to pick the winner with your
00:54:47applause ladies and gentlemen who will receive this fabulous estate is it to be contestant number one
00:54:56marissa
00:55:01number two
00:55:05and the winner is marissa orlock
00:55:11but no one walks away a loser johnny tell byron about his consolation prize it's a matching set
00:55:20of transylvanian tourister luggage yes byron you'll probably have to leave the castle now
00:55:25so here are the bags to send you on your way and everyone will receive a copy of our home game
00:55:31for playing with family and friends that's the newly dead game from parker bradley inc and now on to
00:55:40our bonus round hidden somewhere in the castle some lucky viewer may find the book of ultra
00:55:47is that is that a book now let's take a look at our bonus prize clue
00:55:57if anyone in our viewing audience can solve the mystery clue the book of ultra could be yours
00:56:04and that's all our time tonight on the newly dead game
00:56:10for now this is your host
00:56:16good night and goodbye
00:56:30oh uncle byron i can tell you're upset congratulations my dear
00:56:34i know you'll be quite happy at castle orlock
00:56:40as long as you live
00:56:42i will have that book
00:57:00didn't take that very well did he oh hell i don't even want this place uncle byron can have it
00:57:05i think he was a little more concerned about the book of author then i'd say it's imperative you get
00:57:10your hands on that book before he does oh right i only have three little problems pal one i don't
00:57:16know where it is two i don't know where to look and three i have no idea what that clue meant
00:57:21then perhaps we should ask someone who does marinus orlock himself
00:57:35the spirit world is trouble tonight this seance could be dangerous do you think
00:57:49we'll be able to reach my father perhaps can't you feel it death is nearby
00:57:56do we have to do this now i think the night rates are lower everyone join hands
00:58:01with each other
00:58:07now everyone concentrate
00:58:10oh spirit world we reach out for you do you wish to receive us if so give us some sort of sign
00:58:19i think that's a no
00:58:25maybe but we must press on
00:58:28oh spirit world we seek audience with marinus orlock send us a guide that we may find him
00:58:34what's he doing he's channeling
00:58:43wait a minute wrong channel
00:58:46this is ridiculous this is absolutely
00:58:48that's right sir just a couple of things i want to get out right up front speak spirit
00:59:05well first of all just found out all my money's still good up here so have rca send all my back
00:59:09royalties to me and second tell them gumsuckers at the inquirer that i really am dead
00:59:13there goes a circulation
00:59:16wait a minute wait a minute i i'm feeling with the spirit it's a little stronger than the rest
00:59:22i'm fading away yeah i'm fading away i can feel myself fading away and don't forget to keep buying my arms
00:59:28i'm fading away and don't forget to keep buying my arms and now the end
00:59:37ladies and gentlemen elvis has left the body
00:59:42my mother's so sucks in hell
00:59:57marissa
01:00:01marissa are you okay
01:00:04marissa what's wrong your mother's so sucks
01:00:06My mother does what?
01:00:08She's obviously possessed.
01:00:10You're right, Doc.
01:00:12I haven't seen anything like this since they cancelled Star Search.
01:00:31Well, that does it for this jacket.
01:00:36Cream the mint.
01:00:40Dexter, my lad, are you all right?
01:00:43Never felt better.
01:00:46Marissa? Marissa, you okay?
01:00:50I am the Lady Marissa.
01:00:54Her ancestor?
01:00:56What do you want with Marissa?
01:00:57Byron Orlok must not gain possession of that book.
01:01:00I alone have the power to challenge him.
01:01:03This body shall serve as my dwelling.
01:01:06I think it's already occupied.
01:01:09Fall!
01:01:10You know not what horrors you face.
01:01:13The evil one waits beyond.
01:01:16Beyond where?
01:01:17The evil one waits beyond.
01:01:24Quickly! We must perform an emergency exorcism!
01:01:26What?
01:01:27Fortunately, I took that in my first aid class.
01:01:28Oh, and I wasted time on mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.
01:01:30Hold it tightly, lad.
01:01:31Evil spirit.
01:01:32I cast you out!
01:01:34Be gone.
01:01:35Depart.
01:01:36Withdraw.
01:01:37Take off.
01:01:38Get lost.
01:01:39Jack!
01:01:40I'm scray!
01:01:41Huh?
01:01:42Marissa?
01:01:43What happened?
01:01:44Oh, not much.
01:01:45We just met another family member, that's all.
01:01:47I don't understand.
01:01:48Come, Dexter.
01:01:49She needs rest.
01:01:50You could all use a little sleep.
01:01:52Sleep?
01:01:53In this place?
01:01:54It's all the same to you, Jack.
01:01:56I think I'll stay here and watch the rest of Carson.
01:01:59It's getting a little weird, a little strange.
01:02:01What's going on up at that cursed castle?
01:02:02Tell me that!
01:02:03No one knows.
01:02:04No one wants to know.
01:02:05I want to know.
01:02:06Gentlemen.
01:02:07Gentlemen.
01:02:08Gentlemen.
01:02:09Byron Orlark is in that castle.
01:02:10And he's brought death and destruction with him.
01:02:11Now Orlark can stay, but death and destruction have got to go.
01:02:16Oh!
01:02:17God knows what unholy rites he's performing there.
01:02:20Meanwhile, we sit here like sheep.
01:02:21All this evil must end.
01:02:22Yeah!
01:02:23What do we do about it?
01:02:24Let him go on with his black magic or send him back to the castle?
01:02:25No!
01:02:26No!
01:02:27No!
01:02:28No!
01:02:29No!
01:02:30No!
01:02:31No!
01:02:32No!
01:02:33No!
01:02:34No!
01:02:35No!
01:02:36No!
01:02:37No!
01:02:38No!
01:02:39No!
01:02:40No!
01:02:41No!
01:02:42No!
01:02:43No!
01:02:44No!
01:02:45No!
01:02:46No!
01:02:47No!
01:02:48No!
01:02:49I agree with you.
01:02:50No!
01:02:51No!
01:02:52No!
01:02:53Oh, why bother?
01:02:54Oh, why bother?
01:02:55They're all together.
01:02:56Those Americans and that Van Helsing Fellow.
01:02:58I say we go up there destroy Byron Orlark, burn down the castle and kill everyone inside.
01:03:02No!
01:03:03Wait a minute, I'd rather go up there and destroy Byron Orlark but leave the castle intact.
01:03:07No, no, no.
01:03:08Let's burn the castle, kill everyone inside.
01:03:11But let Byron Orlark be.
01:03:13All right, all right, all right.
01:03:14All right, all right. Who's for destroying Byron Orlach?
01:03:17Yes!
01:03:18Right, you are group one going to back there.
01:03:21Now, who would like to burn down the castle?
01:03:23Yes!
01:03:25Right, you are group two over here.
01:03:27And finally, who would just like to kill everyone inside?
01:03:31Yes!
01:03:32Yes, yes, you four are staying right there.
01:03:35What about you, Hans?
01:03:36I'm still considering all me options.
01:03:39Oh, come with us, Hans.
01:03:40Think of the fun we'll have burning down the castle.
01:03:44Oh, come with us.
01:03:47We're going to have more fun killing everyone inside.
01:03:49I just don't know.
01:03:52Never mind. You make up your mind when you get there.
01:03:56All right.
01:03:58Take tortures, weapons, anything you can carry.
01:04:02Come on, guys.
01:04:04Let's get a real inch for mentality going here.
01:04:08Are you ready?
01:04:10Yeah!
01:04:11Hey, fellas, wait up!
01:04:27They're hot in their rooms.
01:04:36Or in their coffins.
01:04:38Listen, Marissa, I have to find that book.
01:04:41Even if I'm being searching this entire castle from top to bottom.
01:04:44So, you stay here.
01:04:45Oh, no, you're not leaving me behind.
01:04:47I'm here with three homicidal cousins,
01:04:49one lumbering butler,
01:04:50and an uncle who turns off the television with a bazooka launcher.
01:04:52Yeah, we only meet my relatives.
01:04:55Have you ever considered the fact they're really trying to scare you?
01:04:57Yes, and they're doing a fine job.
01:04:59From now on, we stick together.
01:05:01And after this is over,
01:05:02you stay together then?
01:05:04Is that it for possible?
01:05:05Well, I think it was a proposition.
01:05:07You want to hear something funny?
01:05:09What?
01:05:10I could really go for a guy like you.
01:05:12You want to hear something funnier?
01:05:13What?
01:05:14I could really go for you.
01:05:15You're right, Thay, it's funnier.
01:05:18Come on.
01:05:18All right.
01:05:19Trick-or-treat.
01:05:48Creature of evil, be gone!
01:05:51What are you, some kind of religious nut?
01:05:53Stand back, lest I cast your soul into eternal perdition.
01:05:57You're taking this whole thing far too seriously.
01:06:00Crucifex, it doesn't repel you?
01:06:03Not particularly.
01:06:06Besides, this whole thing is only a dream sequence.
01:06:09A dream sequence?
01:06:11Take my word for it, it's only a dream.
01:06:14You shouldn't have had those anchovies at dinner.
01:06:16Then I guess l'm in no immediate peril.
01:06:19Not exactly.
01:06:21You see, whatever happens in a dream
01:06:23could also be happening in real life.
01:06:25I see.
01:06:27Well, in that case...
01:06:29You're right.
01:06:30You're up to your neck in trouble.
01:06:33I'm so sick.
01:06:35I'm so sick.
01:06:36I don't know what happens.
01:06:37I'm so sick.
01:06:38I'm so sick.
01:06:39I'm so sick.
01:06:40I'm so sick.
01:06:41I'm so sick.
01:06:42I'm so sick.
01:06:43I'm so sick.
01:06:44May I make it work with your brain?
01:06:45I see.
01:06:46I don't know if I do a night in a dream.
01:06:47I'm so sick.
01:06:48I was like to head on my mind.
01:06:49One could acquire a taste for this stuff.
01:07:19Is it just me or are things getting weird?
01:07:22No, it's just you.
01:07:24Here, you hang on to these. I'll trip over the furniture for a while.
01:07:28Hey, what's behind this door?
01:07:30I think I'd rather have what's behind the curtain.
01:07:34Oh, my goodness. It looks just like...
01:07:37Yeah, 3D.
01:07:40Oh, this is wild.
01:07:42Look, Dix.
01:07:43Put on your 3D glasses now.
01:07:47Did you bring them?
01:07:47I thought you had them.
01:07:48I don't have them.
01:07:50Damn!
01:07:50Too bad. This could have been a great sequence.
01:07:53What kind of nutty family did I get myself born into?
01:07:57Oh, relax, will you?
01:08:09I'll flip you to see your face first.
01:08:13You've played a good game, boy.
01:08:16Now your time has come.
01:08:20Marissa, duck!
01:08:21A swing and a miss on Dexter Ward.
01:08:32I'll tell you, it's a great night for a baseball game.
01:08:35I'm Stu Nahan, and we're here at the Castle Orlok.
01:08:38Now, Dexter's having a great year.
01:08:40He's hitting .498.
01:08:42I'll tell you, that's a big batting average.
01:08:43Four home runs.
01:08:44Something like 49 RBIs and 16 stolen bases.
01:08:48All right.
01:08:50Here's the wind-up.
01:08:51And the pitch.
01:08:53There's the deep drive going out to right field.
01:08:56Lubevsky going back.
01:08:57He's at the track.
01:08:58He's at the wall.
01:09:00My gosh, it's out of here!
01:09:01Forward, man!
01:09:17We must not falter in our purpose!
01:09:21What is it?
01:09:32It's seeing there's some sort of supernatural sphere
01:09:34or the damnedest Christmas ornament I've ever seen!
01:09:37Or what will we do now?
01:09:38Up is down!
01:09:39I'm down!
01:09:39He's out!
01:09:40Well, let's get up, up!
01:09:42Handful!
01:09:43Sure, but I can still help.
01:09:44Or let's get the wheel laddy up on his feet!
01:09:46Help me with his hands, hands!
01:09:47With hands!
01:09:49His hands!
01:09:49Oh, no!
01:09:51Oh, Derno!
01:09:53Derno!
01:09:54Are you all right?
01:09:54Am I?
01:09:55Who am I?
01:09:56What film is this?
01:09:57Huff!
01:09:58He's coming, too!
01:09:59Oh, yes!
01:09:59I remember you!
01:10:01Hands Huff!
01:10:02If you say so.
01:10:06You know, maybe we should just call in, and I've lived through enough already.
01:10:09You can't think it's keeping me going as well as nervous energy.
01:10:12Hang on a second.
01:10:13We've looked upstairs.
01:10:14We've looked downstairs.
01:10:16We've looked everywhere, except...
01:10:18Wait a minute.
01:10:20That's it.
01:10:21That's got to be it.
01:10:22Come on.
01:10:26What's it?
01:10:26What's got to be it?
01:10:27Oh, look, look.
01:10:28She's been pointing the way the whole time.
01:10:29I don't see anything.
01:10:31Yeah, sure.
01:10:31Look!
01:10:35Doorway to the crypt.
01:10:36Come on.
01:10:37Come on.
01:10:37I don't see anything else before.
01:10:54It's got to be here.
01:10:56Marissa?
01:10:58Marissa?
01:11:00Marissa?
01:11:00Let's go.
01:11:30I did take it with him, but where'd he go?
01:11:53Daddy will be so proud.
01:12:14Good luck, a bit worth a lot of money right now.
01:12:16Ah, young man.
01:12:18From the first moment I did not recognize you,
01:12:21I knew you would lead us to this book.
01:12:23How can I ever repay you?
01:12:25U.S. currency, large unmarked bills, thank you.
01:12:28No, I'm afraid you'll never have the opportunity to spend it.
01:12:32That's reassuring.
01:12:34Why is that book so important to you anyway?
01:12:37I've been seeking this volume for nearly 50 years.
01:12:42But now, finally, it's mine.
01:12:48And what do you intend to do with it, huh?
01:12:51Contained within this volume are the mystic incantations,
01:12:56which can summon forth the evil one.
01:12:59Once again, the forces of darkness shall reign,
01:13:02complete and utter chaos.
01:13:07Why would you want to do that?
01:13:12Because I'm evil.
01:13:14Haven't you figured that out yet?
01:13:22Ben Helsing, you've got to stop him!
01:13:25There are several distinct advantages to being a vampire, dear boy.
01:13:30Oh, ancient evil one.
01:13:35Hear these mystic incantations.
01:13:38And come home!
01:13:41I don't mind dying, but I hate the preliminaries.
01:14:08Byron, our luck!
01:14:19Ah, Lady Marissa, you've come back.
01:14:22And in time for my greatest triumph.
01:14:26I came back to stop you, Byron.
01:14:29You started as a wicked child, grew to a malevolent young man,
01:14:33and now you're a vicious, vile adult.
01:14:38But you can't blame a guy for trying.
01:14:40I should have never sent you to that progressive school.
01:14:43But now it's finally time to take things in hand.
01:14:47And I have a few scores to settle with you, dear Arnold.
01:14:51Ben Helsing, what are you doing? You're supposed to be one of them.
01:14:54Just because you're a vampire, that doesn't make you a bad person.
01:14:58I have absolute power over the evil one.
01:15:02At last, all mankind shall grovel at my feet.
01:15:06And even you, Lady Marissa, will bow and beg my mercy.
01:15:13You know, Byron, you're really starting to piss me off.
01:15:18Oh.
01:15:20Well, adieu, then.
01:15:22Even... to the death.
01:15:35Hey, Orlok!
01:15:42Oh, boy.
01:15:44Don't you know the devil always wins?
01:15:53Oh.
01:15:54Oh.
01:15:55Oh.
01:15:56Oh.
01:15:57Oh.
01:15:58Oh.
01:15:59Oh.
01:16:00Oh.
01:16:01Oh.
01:16:02Oh.
01:16:03Oh.
01:16:04Oh.
01:16:05Oh.
01:16:07Oh.
01:16:08Oh.
01:16:09Oh.
01:16:10Oh.
01:16:11Oh.
01:16:12Oh.
01:16:13Oh.
01:16:14Hold on.
01:16:17Oh.
01:16:18Oh.
01:16:19You fools.
01:16:20I'll be back in part two.
01:16:33Dexter, what's going on here?
01:16:35Marissa, I was hoping you could tell me.
01:16:40Oh, that sound! It's horrible!
01:16:44Yeah, it's even worse than my song!
01:16:47Look!
01:16:55Where is it?
01:17:01Oh, my God!
01:17:03It's the evil one! Come forth to conquer the world!
01:17:10Bad housing? What are we gonna do?
01:17:12Don't ask me, dear fellow. Vampires, I know.
01:17:15But this love crap stuff is out of my league.
01:17:26Marissa?
01:17:30Marissa?
01:17:31She's being possessed.
01:17:33Again?
01:17:34Yes. She's being repossessed.
01:17:36Sorry, folks.
01:17:38To save yourself, you must destroy the Book of Othar.
01:17:43You're kidding!
01:17:44Destroy him!
01:17:45For this body we'll never put out for you.
01:17:48You got it, lady!
01:18:08Dexter!
01:18:09Dexter, my good fellow! Are you all right?
01:18:11I think so. I sure could've used a stunt double, though.
01:18:15For a moment we thought you weren't gonna make it.
01:18:17You better get him back to the castle. I'll take care of things here.
01:18:19Hey, wait a minute, Doc. You're a vampire now. What are you gonna do?
01:18:20Oh, they're not a bad sword, really. Mostly misunderstood.
01:18:24Besides, I always wanted to see how the other half lived. If that's the right word.
01:18:29Well, you two run along.
01:18:31Hmm.
01:18:32Maybe we can turn this place into a trailer park.
01:18:34I'm...
01:18:37Oh, my God.
01:18:38I'm...
01:18:39Oh, my God.
01:18:40I'm...
01:18:41I'm...
01:18:42I'm...
01:18:43I'm...
01:18:44I'm...
01:18:45I'm...
01:18:46I'm...
01:18:47I'm...
01:18:48I'm...
01:18:49I'm...
01:18:50I'm...
01:18:51I'm...
01:18:52I'm...
01:18:53I'm...
01:18:54I'm...
01:18:55I'm...
01:19:02I'm...
01:19:04I'm...
01:19:05What do you think? You think this is a good look for me?
01:19:06Oh, do you ever stop?
01:19:07Oh, come on, Miss Maris. Tomorrow's gonna be great. Hey. Things will look a lot differently in the morning.
01:19:12It's never morning around here. It's just one endless night.
01:19:15What's that?
01:19:17I don't believe this. It's the same everywhere. You miss one lousy pavement, and they shut you
01:19:24lousy payment and they shut the power off oh dear
01:19:29daddy oh my wrist and my kleine function oh shame the major
01:19:37then you weren't dead after how no my dear i suffer from catalytic spells which give the
01:19:45appearance of death why did you leave home without any word a family legacy it is the responsibility
01:19:52of the eldest child to guard the dimensional gateway on our land hey come on now all's well
01:20:00it ends well huh i mean the book's gone and so's old bald bearing head over there yeah good riddance
01:20:06to bad rubbish daddy a lot of strange things happen around here well you'll get used to it it is your
01:20:13responsibility now as the eldest child you are obliged to stay here and prevent access of the
01:20:21evil one as for me i'm gonna go trout fishing in canada daddy i have a career i've got a record
01:20:30album and a video due out by the end of the year hey i got an idea why don't we put on a show right
01:20:39here sweetie what's this guy you don't want to know i don't want to know
01:20:46movie that's what's this guy you don't want to know i don't want to know i'm gonna take a
01:20:53listen to it too quick
01:20:53i heard your voice
01:20:54i thought it was a dream
01:20:56so many faces
01:20:58i don't know what's real
01:21:00what's screaming in the night
01:21:02how can i know
01:21:04How can I know
01:21:06What's wrong or right
01:21:09Caught in the middle of love
01:21:14How do you know
01:21:16Caught in the middle of love
01:21:22Tell me, is it true none of us cast reflections in mirrors?
01:21:25Yes, it makes it a real bitch putting on makeup every night.
01:21:34What's that for?
01:21:40I wanted the movie to end with a bang.
01:21:43I think it's going to.
01:21:50Turn to the left
01:21:52Put up the fire
01:21:54I'm upside down
01:21:56You know it's not right
01:21:59So crazy as it's all
01:22:01I'm hanging by my heart
01:22:03Which way to turn
01:22:06Caught in the middle of love
01:22:11Maybe you know
01:22:13Caught in the middle of love
01:22:18Maybe you know
01:22:20Caught in the middle of love
01:22:23How many times did I cry?
01:22:29How can I find you no matter what I try?
01:22:33Talk to me, baby
01:22:34Say what I wanna hear
01:22:36Do what you will
01:22:38In my ear
01:22:40I told you we should have asked for instructions at that last Arco station
01:22:55Never mind, where are we?
01:22:57Somewhere between Omaha and Minsk
01:22:58And where is the Castle Orlach?
01:22:59According to this map, we should be in the living room right now
01:23:01Something is wrong here
01:23:02No wonder
01:23:03This is a map of the Dominican Republic
01:23:05Man, I say we give up, forget everything and go home
01:23:12Or wait a minute, I say we give up, forget everything but not go home
01:23:29No, no, we should forget everything, go home but never give up
01:23:34Never give up, I'll make it compromise
01:23:36We'll give up, go home but remember everything
01:23:39Can we put that to a phone?
01:24:04Aidente, let's get going
01:24:14I repeat the notes
01:24:17I know
01:24:20What can I say
01:24:23Who are you doing?
01:24:31I am I
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