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Never Mind the Buzzcocks (2021) Never Mind the Xmas Buzzcocks 2025
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FunTranscript
00:00.
00:05MUSIC CONTINUES
00:10Welcome, welcome to Nevermind the Burst Cocks, it's the Christmas special!
00:33CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
00:35Christmas, it means something different to everyone, doesn't it?
00:39You might think, tinsel, turkey, merriment, but I know what you really want.
00:43You want a Christmas show where the legal team have asked to remove a joke about Cliff
00:47Richard because, and I quote, on top of being bad taste, there were potential defamation
00:51issues.
00:52Well, you've hit the mother load here!
00:54CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
00:59Joining Jamali on Noel's team tonight...
01:01It's not about the money, money, money...
01:04A Brit, awards-winning global superstar who has sung with Nicki Minaj and Ariana Grande,
01:09and a singer who we at Buzzcocks have got a secret about that could ruin her.
01:12We must have.
01:13Otherwise, why is she here?
01:15It makes no sense.
01:16I don't know what she's done, but she's done something.
01:19What have you done?
01:20What have you done, Jessie J?
01:22CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:26And on Sophie's team tonight...
01:29WHEN WILL I, WILL I BE FAMOUS?
01:33..lead singer of the multi-platinum-selling Bross, who's on record as saying he's water-skied
01:38with The Edge, he's played table tennis with Keith Richards, he's shared a scotch with Frank
01:42Sinatra, and he's had lunch with Princess Diana, and tonight he lands the big fish.
01:47He sits next to a pregnant woman from Bolton, who told me that she once got drunk on a train
01:52with Dev from Coronation Street.
01:55He's done it!
01:56It's Matt Goss!
01:57CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
02:01And also on Sophie's team, an awards-winning comedian and actor who is famous for Man Like
02:08Mo Bean, and I'm with him.
02:09Man do like Mo Bean.
02:11And this man likes Mo Sausage, Mo Bacon, stick a couple of hash browns on, you can keep
02:15your cooked tomato, let's eat!
02:16It's the brilliant Guss Kahn!
02:19CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
02:24Christmas.
02:25Christmas.
02:26Christmas.
02:28Is it special to you all?
02:30You haven't done a Christmas show with us, Soph, before?
02:31I've not, no.
02:32They're your favourites, aren't they, lads?
02:34It's the worst one.
02:35LAUGHTER
02:36Why is it the worst one?
02:37Quite the worst one.
02:38You're not a Christmas fan?
02:40I've got to spend time with the family and stuff, don't you?
02:42Yeah.
02:43You already live with your mum.
02:44Yeah, I do live.
02:45LAUGHTER
02:46You've got to come out of your room, though.
02:48Yeah.
02:49You've got to get off the PlayStation for a while, haven't you?
02:51And do you know what the thing is?
02:52That's actually what pisses me off.
02:53I've got to get off the PlayStation for a while.
02:55LAUGHTER
02:56Jessie, do you like Christmas?
02:57You a big Christmas fan?
02:58I love Christmas.
02:59Great, innit?
03:00Yeah.
03:01I love it.
03:02November 1st.
03:03Halloween's done.
03:04I'd have thought it'd have been the opposite for you.
03:05You look like a Halloween child.
03:07Well, you look like brother and sister.
03:09LAUGHTER
03:10I sat down on set, I thought it was in the Tim Burton movie.
03:13LAUGHTER
03:15But I've got a little baby, so I'm excited for Christmas,
03:17a whole new thing now.
03:18Oh, yeah.
03:19Is it the first Christmas?
03:20Yeah, the first one he understands.
03:21He's two, innit?
03:22Yeah, he's two and a half.
03:23So you didn't give him one last year?
03:24No.
03:25Definitely not.
03:26I've got a mate who has that policy with his children.
03:27No gifts, no celebrations till year two.
03:29That's fair.
03:30I did it.
03:31Yeah.
03:32I saw someone who threw a surprise party for a one-year-old.
03:35And I was just like, you know, you don't have to do that.
03:37You just pop up from behind a tea towel to surprise him.
03:40LAUGHTER
03:41Gus, you've got loads of kids.
03:43Is Christmas a big thing in your house or not?
03:45Love Christmas.
03:46Yeah?
03:47Me and my wife and five kids, um, and we've got this new force
03:51tradition where, um, early on in the day, Tommy Robinson comes
03:54round and he does a protest in our front garden.
03:56LAUGHTER
03:58Immigration and...
03:59Flynnet.
04:00Islam and all that.
04:01Doesn't it fill your heart?
04:02It does, yeah.
04:03Obviously, none of that's true, but I wish it was,
04:05cos Christmas is usually shit at our house.
04:06There's nothing going on.
04:07LAUGHTER
04:09Ladies and gentlemen, Matt Goss is here.
04:10Yeah, yeah.
04:12CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
04:14Matt, I was genuinely a massive Bross fan.
04:17When I was at university, it was a house song,
04:19I owe you nothing, and I want to bond with you now.
04:22I'll tell you this.
04:22Go on.
04:23I once had sex to that song.
04:24OK.
04:25I once had sex with a woman who threw a Marks and Spencer's
04:27Goodsbury fool on my penis.
04:29What?
04:30Licked it off like a big cat.
04:31LAUGHTER
04:34So you've got a blowjob and dessert.
04:36LAUGHTER
04:38APPLAUSE
04:40Christmas, big thing for you?
04:42I love Christmas, but I feel like coming back here
04:44after I've been in the States, it arrives in, like, October.
04:47And it's just too much, it's too much too soon.
04:48Yeah.
04:49You know, it's just, it's overkill for me.
04:51When do you want it to come?
04:52Like, December 15th.
04:55Really?
04:56That is very specific.
04:57That is a very quick lead-up.
04:58How do you fit it all in?
05:00Well, that's a very personal question.
05:01LAUGHTER
05:03There you go.
05:06Just with your thumb, innit?
05:09Yeah, yeah.
05:11LAUGHTER
05:12You've both done versions of Silent Night, right?
05:13Have we?
05:14Can we have some live Silent Night?
05:15Oh, God.
05:16To start the show?
05:17CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
05:18Let's find out.
05:19This when you open this car
05:29The old is bright
05:32Round yon, virgin
05:37Mother and child
05:42Holy, if it's so tender and warm
05:49It's hot.
05:50Sleep in heavenly peace.
05:57Sleep in heavenly peace.
06:04Sleep in heavenly peace.
06:10Beautiful.
06:11I feel like me and God should have wrapped at the end.
06:16Yeah, you wrap our beatbox between us.
06:19I think that's the one connection no one ever wants to see,
06:22is you and me and me and me and me and me.
06:25Can you wrap my Sophie beatboxes?
06:27No, I can't.
06:28Just for me, let's crack it.
06:29No, I can't.
06:31I'm just giving you one.
06:33Sorry, I'm just going to lay back.
06:34I'm just giving him a beatbox.
06:37Let's have a little bit of beatboxing.
06:38All right.
06:39I need to be stood up I think actually.
06:43I'm just giving him a beatbox.
06:48I'm just giving him a beatbox.
06:52watching a pregnant northern woman beatbox.
07:02That round of applause was the definition of charity.
07:05It was, yeah.
07:06OK, shall we crack on with the show?
07:08Here we go.
07:10The first question is for Sophie's team.
07:12And unsurprisingly, guess what?
07:14It's about Christmas music legends.
07:16Take a look at this.
07:17When my Christmas comes through, all I want for Christmas is you.
07:28It's the season, love and understanding.
07:33Merry Christmas, everyone.
07:37Christmas time, mistletoe and wine.
07:42Children singing Christmas.
07:46CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
07:50That was Mariah Carey shaking Stephens and the smell of TCP on your dying grandma's skin.
07:58Cliff Richard.
08:00Sophie's team, can you tell me which one of these Christmas legends has created an absolutely insane Christmas recipe?
08:11Is it...
08:12Cliff Richard has a special Christmas gravy that consists of eight stock cubes, two beef, two chicken, two lamb and two vegetable.
08:20He tops it off with teriyaki sauce and Worcester sauce along with some fried onions.
08:24And if you think that sounds mad, he freezes jugs a bit so that his family don't miss out.
08:31Or is it B.
08:33Whilst appearing on a festive edition of Sunday Brunch, Shaken Stephens made gingerbread iced with chicken liver pate.
08:39He told Simon Rimmer,
08:41The idea popped into my head. Next thing you know, I was slaughtering one of my hens.
08:46When the panel tried Shaky's creation, got one dry heaved so hard they had to cut to a break.
08:50LAUGHTER
08:53Or was it C. In 2006, Mariah Carey revealed she makes seafood Christmas puddings.
08:59I substitute the raisins for caviar, the candied peel for prawns and the brandy for tuna brine.
09:06However, in 2024, she admitted she hadn't made one for years, saying,
09:10I'm in a much better place now mentally.
09:12LAUGHTER
09:14APPLAUSE
09:16There you go, Sophie's team. One of those, incredibly, is true.
09:20Cliff sounds less weird now. Yeah, it does, doesn't it?
09:23LAUGHTER
09:24Yeah.
09:25So, obviously, you try and decipher what people are cooking by, maybe, like, cultural heritage, right?
09:29Yeah. That's the way I'm looking at it.
09:31So, Cliff Richard, is this uncle, um...
09:33He's just straight-up...
09:34Uncle. ..white uncle?
09:35What?
09:36Sorry, I'm sorry, Chris, I didn't expect to be asking this.
09:39Do you know who Cliff Richard is?
09:41Yeah, but, yeah, I've seen him, he was the guy that was with the nice hair just now, yeah?
09:45That's the guy with the nice hair.
09:46So, is he...? Because he looks a little bit, like, ambiguous, you get what I'm saying?
09:50Yeah, he's got that David Dickerson tan.
09:52Yeah.
09:53Where you got, like, you second-look him, you go,
09:55Hey, wait a second.
09:56Yeah, should I be saying...
09:58Should I be saying, hello, uncle, or hello, uncle?
10:00Like, I don't...
10:01Yeah, yeah, yeah.
10:02To me, they're saying the same.
10:03They're saying the same to me.
10:04They're saying the same to me.
10:05Let me do it one more time.
10:06Hello, uncle.
10:07There you go.
10:08There you go.
10:09Wow, I could watch this all night.
10:11Sorry, you're not sure what race Cliff Richard is?
10:15I don't think there's anyone more white than Cliff Richard.
10:21What do you think?
10:22So, Shakin Stevens made a gingerbread chip...
10:26I don't think he'd have done that, do you?
10:28Chicken patty.
10:29I've met Shakin, if it helps.
10:30I can give you some insight into his character.
10:31Please do, yeah.
10:32Yeah.
10:33He was pretty quiet.
10:34OK.
10:36That does actually help.
10:37Because if he was quiet, he would have made the bold choice
10:41of chicken liver patty with gingerbread.
10:44Maybe you can rule it out based on that alone.
10:46I'll rule it out, yeah.
10:47Do you think Mariah Carey reveals she makes a seafood...
10:51I don't think she ever cooks.
10:53Have you met Mariah?
10:54You must have met Mariah.
10:55Yeah, I've worked with her.
10:56She nice?
10:57Yeah, she's super cool, yeah.
10:58Is she?
10:59Yeah.
11:00I had a friend that had a bit of a...
11:01They had a bit of a beef.
11:02Oh.
11:03And I ended up, like, putting together...
11:04And they're good friends now.
11:05Is it someone famous?
11:06Yeah, it is.
11:07It is.
11:08Come on, man.
11:09Come on, bro.
11:10Is it Cliff Richard?
11:11It is, yeah.
11:12For fuck's sake, it is.
11:13Oh, tell us, Matt.
11:14We won't put it in the show.
11:15Of course not.
11:16No, no.
11:17Not my first rodeo, mate.
11:18Just...
11:19Just saying that.
11:24Shall I give you some facts that might help you decide?
11:26Yep.
11:27Yep.
11:28In an interview, Mariah was asked if she cooks her own Christmas dinner and she said this.
11:33She said, I do and nobody believes me.
11:36And in the same interview later, she admitted, well, I help.
11:40And then a little bit further in the interview, she said, I do a bit of seasoning.
11:47Jessie, you went to a lot of effort for Christmas once, didn't you?
11:50When I was pregnant, I was in LA and I didn't want to come home, so I flew my family to me.
11:56And the plumbing in LA houses isn't the best.
11:59And there was a lot of food consumed, which meant there was a lot of toilet trips.
12:04It was rough.
12:05And basically, the burst pipes, there was literally, like, shit water coming out of the floorboards.
12:12What?
12:13Yeah.
12:14Here's the story you have on Christmas Day, but the house got full of shit.
12:17Basically, yeah.
12:18So, basically...
12:19Because, honestly, the story they asked me to prompt was that you once went abroad on holiday
12:24and you took a suitcase full of stuffing.
12:26They didn't mention a house being full of shit.
12:28Oh, really?
12:29Oh, yeah, that's a different story.
12:32I mean, that is another story that I said, yeah.
12:36I prefer the house full of shit one.
12:38But, yeah.
12:39I was so pregnant, I was just like, yeah, I know.
12:41How many months?
12:42I was five and a half months, but everyone was like, she's about to drop.
12:45And I was like, no, just over halfway.
12:47Yeah.
12:48See, I just had a big old baby.
12:51Did you?
12:52Big as Greg.
12:53Yeah.
12:54Did you know in advance, they keep telling me I'm having a tall baby?
12:58Well, my boyfriend's tall, so every scan he was just really long.
13:01Yeah, that's what, mine's dead long.
13:03Yeah.
13:04And his feet was stuck under my ribs.
13:05I'm going to have a vagina like a basset hound.
13:07I'm...
13:08I'm really...
13:10I'll tell you, I'll tell you now, this is probably TMI, but totally off,
13:16but just woman-to-woman, baby-to-baby.
13:18Yeah.
13:19So when I prep for a natural birth, I did this thing called the epi-no,
13:22where you put, like, a balloon in...
13:23Yeah.
13:24...a hoo-ha, and then you blow it up to the size of a baby's head,
13:26and you give birth to it, like, every night for, like,
13:29the three weeks before.
13:30Sounds knacker in there.
13:31So I did that, and then ended up having a C-section.
13:35Oh.
13:36So now I've got the most inappropriate party trick.
13:40It's just...
13:41No, I'm sorry.
13:43You were putting a big balloon inside yourself,
13:46and then birthing it every day.
13:48Yeah.
13:49Phil-u-la-la-la,
13:51Phil-u-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la.
13:55What do you reckon? Let's get back to the question.
13:57We're going to have to make a decision soon.
13:59I think Cliff, just because it's the least weird.
14:02I'll just throw this in for you now, cos it might help you.
14:04Yeah, please. Cliff Richard was born in India.
14:06So he was born in India?
14:08Yeah.
14:09LAUGHTER
14:12So what happened, if you're born in India,
14:14you just retain the tan for the rest of your life?
14:16LAUGHTER
14:18he was born to two white parents well that's what he thinks
14:25yeah let's get an answer is it cliff's gravy
14:34is it cliff's gravy shaky's gingerbread pate or mariah's seafood pudding sophie
14:40let's get some points on the board you're saying cliff you're just quite fascinated by him being
14:46in india i'm just quite a fact yeah cliff richard here we go it's gotta be oh my god you're right
14:50yeah the answer is a
14:58cliff makes his own special disgusting gravy sophie's team that's a point to you
15:04all right the next question is for noel's team take a look at this
15:22that was your friend's ugly baby elton john but noel's team can you tell me which of
15:37these stories led to elton having the worst christmas ever was it a in 1979 while enjoying
15:43a festive buffet elton tried borsan cheese for the first time starting a love affair that quickly
15:48became an addiction he told nme by the end of the year i was eating 14 pucks a day i wasn't even
15:54using crackers i was just biting into them like an apple or was it me elton went to the airport to
16:02pick up his lover who was staying for christmas when elton arrived he found out that on the flight
16:07over his boyfriend had decided that he wasn't gay and run off with the air hostess elton never saw
16:12his boyfriend again or was it c whilst present shopping in harvey nicks elton got his head stuck
16:19in a four thousand pound polo neck sweater writing his autobiography he said i was so embarrassed they
16:25had to cut me out with a pair of medical scissors and then they expected me to pay for it as i said
16:30at the time is elton john's head too big or is your top too small chicken and egg isn't it
16:35there you go your team one of those is true i love that borsan it's a puck is it of borsan
16:44well i that's what elton claims i mean the image of him biting into it like an apple god i hope that's
16:50the truth i think it's b just because i think that is the thing that would ruin your christmas
16:56like oh yeah c's a bit embarrassing but like you know what i mean i think hey that's a fight i
17:02think an addiction is shameful like 14 pucks that would ruin my day do you want to be reminded what
17:08elton looks like see if he looks like a man who'd eat cheese like an apple yeah here he is yeah
17:14i love that picture that's what my nan's face looked like when she found out that despite brexit
17:19we were still trading with europe so i'll give you a few facts about elton then we'll make a
17:31decision throughout the 70s elton john and rod stewart used to try and outdo each other with christmas
17:36gifts one christmas elton upstaged rod stewart massively in an interview rod said i bought him
17:41a pop-up fridge from harrods you pressed a button and there'd be steam and lights and a bottle of
17:46champagne it cost me 600 pounds he said oh very nice to you thank you and he gave me a rembrandt
17:53painting oh wow an actual rembrandt painting by the artist rembrandt here now i've never felt so
18:02stingy a rembrandt painting yeah mad that one of the guy eating a puck of cheese
18:10love that one let's make a decision folks what do you think a b or c i like the idea that his head
18:15got stuck in a in a jumper that'd be quite nice wouldn't it no i don't think it's polo neck we're
18:20not getting him cut out but then it probably is can we mix the two can you could he not fit in the
18:24polo neck because of the cheese oh you think there's a chance the answer's going to be ac yeah it could
18:32then be b because his boyfriend didn't come because he got so big from the cheese yeah the answer is a cb
18:39okay so the answer is all of them elton's boyfriend decided he wasn't gay because elton had eaten lots of
18:49cheese and got his head stuck in the jumper send it up to the top greg yeah
18:54yeah we owe it to borsam to say i'm down for the cheese who are you down for the cheese are you
19:02saying b i'm saying b i think it's me but we all think it's b but we're going to say cheese anyway
19:09i think it's b as well but i think we're going to say a for fun we're going to just say a
19:13name you're wrong the answer is b yes elton's boyfriend apparently changed sexuality ran off
19:23with an air hostess and elton said he's never heard from him again hard like noel's team well
19:32done sophie's team no points to no one point to sophie hooray
19:35time for a little break now i'm just going to have a little sip on cliff's gravy that's not gravy
19:49welcome back to never mind the buzzcocks the christmas special the show that until one hour
20:05ago had a joke about p diddy's secret santa gift in it which our legal team sent us the following
20:10email about please 100 lose this six exclamation marks next up it's the intros round here we go
20:18noel and jesse on your feet please you'll be performing the intro of a song to jamaali so
20:23what take it away
20:32i can't pass this over get ready to steal it's the worst i've ever sung ever
21:00i'll give you one last question and pass it over yeah pass it okay and around the christmas tree
21:05rocking around that is right
21:11it was rocking around the christmas tree by brenda lee and here's how it should have sounded
21:16that was brenda lee with rocking around the christmas tree brenda lee once said to me christmas is about
21:29loading up on meat and then farting like a tractor all day she did not say that but you try and find
21:34the funny brenda lee quote next song please song two take it away
21:40dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum
21:48um oh that was shit dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-d
22:18You've got, I'm going to tell you, you've got the word sleigh ride,
22:21and if you don't get it this time, I'm passing it over.
22:23Ah, fucking sleigh swimming.
22:28I don't know, it's just swimming.
22:30Happy Christmas, everyone. Sleigh swimming.
22:35Sleigh, I'm passing it over. Sleigh bells ringing.
22:37Wrong. You're both wrong. It was sleigh ride by the Ronettes.
22:41Here's how it should have sounded.
22:48Sleigh ride by the Ronettes, which was included on the album,
23:03A Christmas Gift For You, from Phil Spector,
23:06which sounds a lot nicer than the Christmas gift I got from him one year.
23:09I wanted Lego, Phil. What the hell am I supposed to do with a corpse?
23:12OK.
23:16Well done, you guessed.
23:18North, correct!
23:19CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
23:21All right, Sophie and Matt, it's your turn to perform to Gus.
23:27Song one. Take it away.
23:29DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN
23:31DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN
23:33DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN SING
23:39DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN
23:41DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN
23:44DUN DUN DUNний DUN DUN
23:46That's the one.
23:47Dun-dun-dun! Dun-dun-dun-dun!
23:49Dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun!
23:51You must have it. You must have it.
23:53It's so obvious.
23:54I think Sophie's doing Last Night at the Proms.
23:56Yeah.
23:57Matt's doing the song, though.
23:59What is it? Is it like, erm, like, Knight Rider?
24:02No, that's what you... I'll tell you what.
24:04It does sound like Knight Rider.
24:07But that's what was in my head. Do you know who I'm going to pass it over?
24:09I'm going to say Knight Rider.
24:11Ba-da-ba-da-ba-da-ba-da-ba-da-ba-night Rider.
24:14It's definitely not Knight Rider.
24:15It's Uncle Bro.
24:17It's Uncle Bro.
24:18It's Uncle Bro.
24:19It's Uncle Bro.
24:20Oh, it's so there in my head.
24:21Listen, you're both wrong.
24:22It was The Waitresses with Christmas Wrapping.
24:24Oh, fuck.
24:25Let's hear how it should have sounded.
24:40That was Christmas Wrapping by The Waitresses in 2015.
24:44Kylie Minogue covered the song with Iggy Pop.
24:46While she thought it was Iggy Pop,
24:47it turned out to be an old dog tube from behind her sofa
24:49that absolutely honked.
24:52Next song, please.
24:53If this one is Knight Rider, I'm going to shit on the stage.
24:56This is good.
25:08This sounds like the song.
25:11It's Knight Rider again, huh?
25:14Knight Rider again, huh?
25:16You're not going to get this.
25:19This guitar riff by Matt Goff is absolutely bang on.
25:23No. No.
25:25No? You Can't See Me by Tupac Shakur.
25:28Close. Close. Close.
25:31So, so close. I'll pass it over.
25:34He just went, is it the one with the crackhead in it?
25:39What are you talking about? Shane McGowan?
25:41Yeah, Shane McGowan, yeah.
25:43It's not the one with the crackhead in it.
25:46You know? No? It's Knight Rider.
25:48I wish it were Knight Rider.
25:50You're both wrong.
25:51It's Christmastime by the Darkness.
25:53Here's how it should have said it.
26:06That was Christmastime by the Darkness.
26:08Justin Hawkins once said,
26:10I think the more successful you are, the bigger your hair gets.
26:13And he's right.
26:14That's why the Jackson Five was so successful.
26:16Well, it was their hair and their dad beating them with a stick.
26:20Yep. I know.
26:22Sophie's team.
26:23Hooray! Nought! Correct!
26:25The end of that round.
26:27Noel's team have no points.
26:29But Sophie's team have two points.
26:31CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
26:35The next game is called...
26:37Ziggasaguar...
26:39La, la, la, la, la.
26:42And it's a game all about the weird, isolated bits in songs
26:45released at Christmastime.
26:47We're going to play five sounds from five songs,
26:49and all you need to do as teams is to name the songs
26:52that the strange sounds come from.
26:54You get a point for each one you name correctly.
26:56Noel's team, you're up first.
26:58Here is your mash-up.
26:59Listen to this.
27:14I think that's Surfing USA.
27:16Is that Teletubbies or Mr Blobby?
27:18I'll say Mr Blobby.
27:20I think it's Mr Blobby.
27:21Well, I'll tell you now.
27:23Correct. One point.
27:25So, Mr Blobby, last Christmas,
27:28is that Teletubbies?
27:29Er...
27:30No.
27:31No?
27:32Can we have it one more time?
27:33Yeah, one more time.
27:41That's Surfing in the USA.
27:48What was that till?
27:50Sound of the Underground.
27:51Correct.
27:52Two points.
27:53Surfing in the USA.
27:54No.
27:55Oh.
27:56I'm out.
27:57OK, two.
27:58I'll pass it over.
27:59Some extra points here.
28:00Sound of the Underground.
28:01They've already got that one.
28:02All right, sorry.
28:03All right.
28:04I wish it could be Christmas.
28:06Correct.
28:07Yeah.
28:08For a stolen point.
28:09Yeah.
28:10You've got one.
28:11No.
28:12Er...
28:13Are you all right?
28:14What's the difference?
28:15I thought I...
28:16I thought I just had a stroke.
28:18No, is it Cat Amongst the Pigeons?
28:21It isn't Cat Amongst the Pigeons.
28:22No.
28:23Oh.
28:24Sound of the Underground.
28:25We did have another one.
28:26If anyone else says Sound of the Underground.
28:28What about that DJ spin?
28:32Was it...
28:33No, no, no.
28:34Boom, boom, shake, shake the room, is what I was thinking, because that starts with a...
28:36What about that?
28:37That Sound of the Underground.
28:38That Sound of the Underground.
28:39That Sound of the Underground.
28:40LAUGHTER
28:41What one did you...?
28:42What did you do?
28:47Shall we end this?
28:48Yeah.
28:49so the full list is wizard I wish it could be Christmas every day mr. blobby
28:54by mr. blobby band-aid do they know it's Christmas I can't believe you didn't
28:59pick boy George out girls allowed the sound of the underground I think we've
29:03established we got that one and the final one was South Park with mr. hanky
29:08the Christmas well done nose team got two points and Sophie's team picked up a
29:15bonus point all right Sophie's team your turn is your mashup there you go you get
29:38the guesses first so the first one yeah I've lost my brain no no no and
29:44oh fuck that something's happened 20 again sorry do you say fuck something's
29:50happened yes something I was I had three then okay here again yeah god
30:06I have no idea I think this baby brain thing is actually real you'll be alright
30:12genuinely fucking Whitney Houston sings um what does she sing so I will always
30:20love you correct one point and then we went to it's not you just kept saying that at me
30:32no but is it sorry it was a bomb bomb bomb that's a Christmas because I'm just a bit
30:41done for Sophie's general welfare to be honest yeah yeah fuck you I won't do what you tell me
30:47bloody hell yeah that one what's the song called oh oh fucking um um it was it was a Christmas
30:55you've got I will always love you that points in the back all right is it killing in the name of it is killing in the name of
31:14and is it a frog song Paul McCartney the frog song the frog chorus it
31:23is the frog chorus you've got two left and then there's their rape petite yes it is rape petite yeah
31:28And then is there Reet-petit?
31:30Yes, it is Reet-petit!
31:32Yeah.
31:36You've only got one missing.
31:37I know. Is it the brrrrrrrr one, or did you get that?
31:39No, that's Reet-petit. It's not Crazy Fog?
31:42No. You're not going to get it.
31:44OK. I'll tell you who they all were.
31:46It was Whitney Houston, I Will Always Love You,
31:49Sophie's team got that.
31:50Rage Against the Machine, Killing In The Name Of,
31:52Noel's team got that.
31:53Bob the Builder's the one you all missed.
31:55Can We Fix It?
31:57Jackie Wilson, Reet-petit, Paul McCartney, The Frog Chorus.
32:01Yes. So, Sophie's team got one point,
32:03and Noel's team got three points!
32:05CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
32:10At the end of that round, Sophie's team had four points,
32:13Noel's team have five points!
32:16CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
32:21Time for a quick break.
32:22I've just got to pop off and wrap my niece's Christmas present.
32:27LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
32:31CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
32:33CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
32:36CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
32:38CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
32:40Welcome back to Nevermind the Buscock's Christmas special.
32:43You want another legal note, don't you?
32:45This is a genuine quote from our lawyer.
32:47I can't find any record of Christeberg doing drugs.
32:50I know it's a fake anecdote,
32:52but please lose the bit about him being on the GAC again.
32:55LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
32:56Happy Christmas!
32:57LAUGHTER
32:58Our next round is called It's Behind You,
33:00a game celebrating the Christmas tradition of Panto.
33:03Noel's team, you're playing first.
33:05Noel's team, you're playing first.
33:07Everyone, please, make your way to the game area.
33:09CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
33:12All right, Noel's team, behind you there is a pop star
33:19who is appearing in Panto this Christmas.
33:21Each of Sophie's team is going to tell you who it is,
33:24but two of them will be lying.
33:26It is your job to work out who is telling the truth.
33:29For the audience at home, please look away now
33:32if you don't want to know who it is...
33:34..as I reveal the Panto star.
33:37APPLAUSE
33:39OK, Guz, who is behind the curtain?
33:44This is a lady called Faye from Steps.
33:48LAUGHTER
33:51So, Faye, who is behind the curtain?
33:54Lee Ryan.
33:55Matt, who is behind the curtain?
33:57Toya Wilcox.
33:58Why haven't they all said it like the person's died?
34:01LAUGHTER
34:03Is Lee Ryan the blonde-haired one from Blue?
34:05Yes.
34:06Was he saying something vaguely racist?
34:08LAUGHTER
34:10Did Lee... Did Lee say something?
34:11No, no, no, no, no. He's a good guy.
34:13LAUGHTER
34:16Yeah, I like him first, he's a good guy.
34:18What was Lee Ryan wearing?
34:21He was in costume and he had his winkle pickers on.
34:24Was he dressed as an elf?
34:26No.
34:27I think he was somebody who was in Jack and the Beanstalk.
34:30LAUGHTER
34:31Probably.
34:32Was Toya there?
34:33Toya was there, yeah.
34:34How tall is she?
34:36She's probably five foot two.
34:39I think she's wearing fishnets and high boots.
34:42Yeah.
34:43You lying?
34:44Absolutely.
34:45LAUGHTER
34:48Oh, my God.
34:49That was a good bluff, mate.
34:50That was good.
34:51Gus, what character is Faye playing?
34:55Faye from Steps is...
34:58..maid Marian in Robin Hood.
35:01So, what was she wearing?
35:02Like, maid Marian clothes.
35:04Like, you know, the old long sleeves and that.
35:07Medieval shit.
35:08Yeah, medieval shit.
35:09And she had shoes on and stuff.
35:11LAUGHTER
35:12I don't know, I don't believe you.
35:14LAUGHTER
35:16All right.
35:17LAUGHTER
35:18He's lying so much and he's pretending so much that it's not his one.
35:24Gus could be telling the truth.
35:25That's what I think.
35:26I think you're telling the truth.
35:27I thought you said I was lying.
35:29No, but I mean in a sense of double-bluffing.
35:31Like, you're making it seem like you don't know, but you do.
35:33Shall I tell you the truth?
35:34I didn't even know this show was about music, so don't take what I say seriously.
35:37LAUGHTER
35:38I don't really know what's happening.
35:40LAUGHTER
35:41I've got five kids at home.
35:42I didn't even tell my wife I was leaving the house.
35:43I'm in a lot of trouble when I go home.
35:45LAUGHTER
35:46It could be Toya, you know.
35:48Have you met Toya before?
35:50I've met her so many times.
35:52And you said she's how tall?
35:535'2", ish.
35:55He seemed like a man who would know a woman's height just by looking.
35:59LAUGHTER
36:01He could really just fucking...
36:04LAUGHTER
36:05What character is she playing?
36:07Puss in Boots.
36:08I think it's funny he said puss, I might have to go with that one.
36:10LAUGHTER
36:12That's a funny word, it's a funny word.
36:14It's a great word.
36:15It's a great word.
36:16Who's was yours again?
36:17Lee Ryan.
36:18Yes.
36:19Yeah?
36:20Yeah, I hope not, cos I said that thing at the beginning.
36:22Yeah, that's going to be awkward.
36:24LAUGHTER
36:26All right, Noel's team, it's time to decide.
36:29I'm going with Gus.
36:31That's me.
36:32Yeah, I think it is, yeah.
36:33All right, we'll go Faye from Steps.
36:34Lovely.
36:35All right.
36:36Let's see if you're right.
36:37Will our panto star please step through the curtain?
36:43No!
36:44Yay!
36:45CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
36:48You're right!
36:49It's Faye Tozer from Steps!
36:51CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
36:53Hello, Mum.
36:54Hello, Mum.
36:55You're all really good, isn't it?
36:58All right?
36:59All right, Faye?
37:00Yeah, very good, thank you.
37:01How are you, all right?
37:02Merry Christmas.
37:03Merry Christmas to you as well.
37:04Yeah.
37:05You're in pantomime already?
37:06We're going through till the 1st of February in Birmingham,
37:09the hip drum.
37:10Wow.
37:11Yeah.
37:12Gets sparkly and fun for Christmas.
37:14What a welcome Christmas edition, Faye from Steps!
37:16Yay!
37:17CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
37:21Robin Hood.
37:22Robin Hood.
37:23It's till the 1st of February.
37:25CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
37:31Can I say, Matt Goss was amazing.
37:33He was great.
37:34I knew it was Faye Tozer and I started to think it might be Toya.
37:37LAUGHTER
37:38Good.
37:39OK, it's Sophie's team's turn, so if you could swap places, teams.
37:42Good luck, kids.
37:43To the audience at home, please look away,
37:46if you don't want to know who it is.
37:48APPLAUSE
37:53Noel's team, starting with Jamali, please tell us
37:56who is behind the curtain.
37:58It's Bez from Happy Mondays.
38:00LAUGHTER
38:02Playing Widow Tranky in Aladdin.
38:04And can I say, before I go further,
38:07my God, I hope that's true.
38:09LAUGHTER
38:11Noel, who's behind the curtain?
38:12Who's behind the curtain?
38:13It's Terry from East 17.
38:15And he's playing Buttons in Cinderella.
38:18I see that.
38:19Jessie, who's behind the curtain?
38:21Erm, it's Kelly from Eternal.
38:23She's playing the fairy in Sleeping Beauty.
38:26You read that really, really badly, which means you're lying.
38:29Did I?
38:30I thought I did it quite well.
38:31Yeah, you did.
38:32No, you...
38:33Cos you're really quick.
38:34Am I?
38:35Yeah.
38:36She might just read badly.
38:37LAUGHTER
38:38Are you ruling out Pats from Happy Mondays?
38:41Yeah, yeah.
38:42I am, sadly, and, yeah.
38:44Yeah, I'm ruling it out.
38:45Why are you ruling out?
38:46What's wrong with you?
38:47Is he all right?
38:48I don't know, I just can't...
38:49That's a good point, actually.
38:50What part would he play in a pantomime?
38:52Erm, Widow Twanky.
38:54LAUGHTER
38:55You saw him at the back, actually.
38:57Yeah, you did.
38:58And I said to him, I said,
38:59Oh, you're playing Widow Twanky,
39:00and he went,
39:01Oh, yeah, yeah, mad for it.
39:02Yeah, mad for it.
39:03LAUGHTER
39:04I think it's Terry for me, 17.
39:07Buttons in Cinderella.
39:08He had sort of a military outfit with big,
39:10different coloured buttons on it.
39:12What colour buttons?
39:13I think it was yellow, red and blue, maybe?
39:15So you caught that all in one go?
39:17Well, I just noticed the buttons,
39:19cos the outfit is sort of like a maroon...
39:21Oh, it's maroon and yellow with what colour buttons?
39:23A detective show called Goss sounds fucking great.
39:27LAUGHTER
39:29It's just him slapping people, going,
39:31Sleek!
39:32LAUGHTER
39:33I'm on your team, you're making me want to say no comment.
39:35You're making me feel nervous, bro.
39:37LAUGHTER
39:38Jay, Jay, who was your person again?
39:40Kelly from Eternal.
39:41You're not a good liar.
39:42And she's... No.
39:43No.
39:44Fairy and Sleeping Beauty.
39:45Right, what was she wearing?
39:46A blue dress.
39:47And she had a wand.
39:48I think we should go with Kelly.
39:50Just tell me the truth.
39:51Just tell me the truth.
39:52I'm your boy.
39:53With the blue dress.
39:54I think you should as well.
39:55I trust your instincts.
39:56I'm sorry.
39:57There's a whole thing going on here.
39:58Good God's whispering to Jamali.
40:00Just tell me the truth.
40:01I'm your boy.
40:02LAUGHTER
40:04LAUGHTER
40:05LAUGHTER
40:09So, so, Team Captain Lockheed.
40:11We fucked with Ed Lorenz.
40:12Jessie Jane.
40:13You're all right.
40:14You're saying it's Jessie Jane.
40:15She knows the truth.
40:16The person behind the curtain is...
40:18Kelly from Eternal.
40:20Kelly from Eternal.
40:21Let's see if you're right.
40:22Will our panto star please step out?
40:25Oh.
40:26It's Kelly from Eternal!
40:28Oh, no!
40:29Oh, no!
40:30Why are you laughing?
40:31Why are you laughing?
40:32Why are you laughing?
40:33Why are you laughing?
40:34Why are you laughing?
40:35Why are you laughing?
40:36Why are you laughing?
40:37Why are you laughing?
40:38Oh, my God!
40:39It wasn't blue.
40:40It wasn't blue.
40:41It's like an icy silver.
40:42You got it wrong.
40:43Jessie was telling the truth apart from the dress bit.
40:47That was my favourite song going on.
40:49Angel of mine.
40:50It's a good alpha bachelor.
40:51When I first saw you.
40:52I already knew.
40:54Ooh.
40:55Yeah, come on.
40:56That there was something inside of you.
41:00Oh, such a good song.
41:01Something I thought I'd never find.
41:05Angel of mine.
41:09Oh, my God!
41:13I love it.
41:14I love it.
41:15I love it.
41:16I don't want to spoil that, but can we do it again with Sophie beatboxing?
41:18LAUGHTER
41:20Jessie was telling the truth and you can catch Kelly at the Floral Pavilion
41:23in New Brighton playing Fairy Snowfall in Sleeping Beauty
41:27until the 4th of January.
41:29Thank you, Kelly!
41:30CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
41:32Good-bye, good-bye, good-bye!
41:34Good-bye, good-bye!
41:35Good-bye, good-bye!
41:37Join me.
41:43And at the end of that round, Sophie's team have five points
41:45and Noel's team have six points!
41:47CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
41:50So far, final round.
41:51It's time for next lines, Noel's team.
41:54Your time starts now.
41:56Have yourself a merry Christmas.
41:58Let your heart be light.
41:59Have yourself a merry little Christmas.
42:01Let your heart be light.
42:02From now on, all your troubles...
42:05There we go!
42:06From now on, all your troubles will be outside Frank Sinatra.
42:08Have yourself a merry little Christmas.
42:09Old Mr Crinkle is soon gonna jingle.
42:12Soon gonna jingle.
42:13The bells that'll tingle all your troubles away.
42:16Yes!
42:17Jessie J, the man with the bag!
42:18APPLAUSE
42:19Christmas time, mistletoe and wine.
42:22CHILDREN SCREAMING CHRISTIAN WINE
42:23CHILDREN SCREAMING CHRISTIAN WINE
42:25CHILDREN SCREAMING CHRISTIAN WINE
42:26CHILDREN SCREAMING CHRISTIAN WINE
42:27CHILDREN SCREAMING CHRISTIAN WINE
42:29Cliff Richard, mistletoe and wine.
42:31It'll be lonely this Christmas without you to hold.
42:34It's Jake and Stephens.
42:35No.
42:36It'll be lonely this Christmas without you to hold.
42:40It'll be lonely this Christmas without you.
42:45I'll give it you.
42:46Lonely and cold.
42:47Mud.
42:48Lonely this Christmas.
42:49I see a little silhouette of a man.
42:50Scallamore, scallamore.
42:51Will you do the Fandang?
42:52Yes, Queen Bohemian Rhapsody.
42:54It's the sound of the underground.
42:56It's the sound of the underground.
42:58RIP PETIT, the finest girl you're ever gonna meet.
43:02The beat.
43:03The beat.
43:04The beat of the drum goes round and round.
43:05Girls are loud.
43:06Sound of the underground.
43:07Oh!
43:08Not bad.
43:09Not bad.
43:10Not bad.
43:11The beat of the drum goes round.
43:13It's really hard even here, isn't it?
43:15Yeah.
43:16All right, well done, Noles team.
43:17You've got four points.
43:19Sophie's team.
43:20You've got to get six right to win.
43:23Right.
43:24Here we go.
43:25You ready?
43:26Yeah.
43:27Your time starts now.
43:28Baby, if you've got to go away,
43:29don't think I can take the pain.
43:31Stay now.
43:32Stay now.
43:33Stay now.
43:34Stay now.
43:35Yes.
43:36Will you stay another day?
43:37He's 17.
43:38Stay another day.
43:39When will I?
43:40Will I be famous?
43:41I can't answer that.
43:43Bross.
43:44When will I be famous?
43:45When will I see my picture in the paper?
43:48I can't answer that.
43:50Correct.
43:51Bross.
43:52When will I be famous?
43:53Welcome to my Christmas song.
43:55I'd like to thank you for the year.
43:56Elton John stepping to Christmas.
43:57Bob the Builder.
43:58Can we fix it?
43:59Yes, we can.
44:00Yes, we can.
44:01Bob the Builder.
44:02Yes, we can.
44:03Yes, we can.
44:04Bob the Builder.
44:05Yes, we can.
44:06We can fix it.
44:07I really can't stay but maybe it's cold outside.
44:08I have to go.
44:09Yeah?
44:10Yeah.
44:11I have to get home.
44:12It's not right but it turned me on.
44:13I've got to go away.
44:14Dean Martin, baby, it's cold outside.
44:15Oh, I thought it was possible.
44:16That sound means it's the end of the round and the end of the show and I can tell you that
44:40the team have nine points but with ten points, our winners tonight are Noel's team.
44:46CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
44:50Thanks to Jessie J, Noel, Jamali, Guzz, Sophie and Matt.
44:57It's 40 years this year since Live Aid so we've done our best to recreate Do They Know It's Christmas.
45:03This was our plan, ask the original singers to take part.
45:06If any of them say no, we'll replace them with professional tribute acts.
45:09See if you can work out who we've had to replace.
45:12Happy Christmas.
45:13Good night!
45:14CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
45:23It's Christmas time.
45:25Christmas, Christmas.
45:27There's no need to be afraid.
45:30Don't be afraid.
45:31At Christmas time.
45:33In the Christmas time.
45:34In the Christmas time.
45:35We let light in.
45:36I'm afraid.
45:37And we banish the shade.
45:38Vanishing, vanishing.
45:39In our world.
45:40Are plenty.
45:42We can spread a smile of joy.
45:46Throw your arms around the world.
45:50At Christmas time.
45:51It's hard.
45:52But when you're having fun.
45:53There's a world outside your window.
45:55And it's a world of dread and fear.
45:57Well tonight, thank God it's them.
45:58Instead of you.
45:59Woo!
46:00Woo!
46:01Woo!
46:02Thanks to you.
46:03At Christmas time
46:06It's hard, but when you're having fun
46:11There's a world outside your window
46:16And it's a world of dread and fear
46:20Well, tonight, thank God, it's them
46:24Instead of you
46:26Kids do you raise the glass for everyone
46:33Do they know it's Christmas time at Be The World
46:40Let them know it's Christmas time at Be The World
46:49Let them know it's Christmas time at Be The World
46:55Let them know it's Christmas time at Be The World
46:58Let them know it's Christmas time again
47:04Merry Christmas!
47:25Let them know it's Christmas time at Be The World
47:32Let them know it's Christmas time at Be The World
47:34Transcription by CastingWords
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