I Know You Are, But What Am I？ ｜ The Love Guru

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00:00Guru Pitka, Pitta Guru, Guru Guru, Pitta Guru!

00:11Marushka Hargit Dey!

00:13Marushka Hargit Dey!

00:15I am His Holiness, the Guru Pitka.

00:18Welcome to my ashram, the Ecumenical Intuitive Enlightenment Initiative Organization, or EI...EIO.

00:26Guru Pitka had a farm.

00:28EI-EIO!

00:29And on that farm, he did no harm.

00:32EI-EIO!

00:35Okay.

00:36If I sit like this any longer, I'm gonna pop my dink bag.

00:40Shh!

00:41Listen up.

00:42I am a guru.

00:44Let's look at the word guru, okay?

00:46My goal is to get you to say, G, U-R-U, TM.

00:53And the U of guru is intimacy.

00:58Or, into me I see.

01:02Without intimacy, you feel nowhere.

01:05Tonight, I want you to go from nowhere to now here.

01:11Here.

01:12Oh.

01:13Yeah.

01:14It's like in the electric company, you know?

01:17Now.

01:18Here.

01:19Nowhere.

01:20My laws of intimacy are kinda like my Bible.

01:26My Bible.

01:27And let's look at the word Bible, shall we?

01:30The Bible is basic instructions before leaving Earth.

01:34TM.

01:37Put that shit on a t-shirt.

01:39Show the t-shirt.

01:42Now.

01:43I myself have a guru.

01:46Guru Thagan Mapudda.

01:48And my guru, Guru Thagan Mapudda, had a guru, Guru Chedda Framanda.

01:54And Guru Chedda Framanda had a guru, Guru Hatha Smolvina.

01:58Guru Hatha Smolvina had two main periods of his Gita, or words of wisdom.

02:04The first period came before he got syphilis.

02:08Yeah.

02:09Some pre-syphilitic words of wisdom include, to know something is good, to do something

02:21is God.

02:25Then after he got syphilis, he would say things like, eatin' ain't cheatin'.

02:30Did it smell that bad when you ate it?

02:34Liquor up front, poker and back.

02:37But his point was this.

02:39If you can't love yourself, you can't love another.

02:43And that's the end of that one.

02:46Yeah.

02:47Mariska Hargitay.

02:49Some announcements.

02:51On Friday, please join us for our first annual Gambler's Anonymous Monte Carlo night.

02:57Yeah.

02:58Just for funsies.

02:59You know.

03:00Bring your singles.

03:01You know.

03:02Alright!

03:03Goodnight, everyone!

03:04Yes!

03:07Great show, Gurupika.

03:08Hey, any bears in the cave?

03:10Any bears?

03:11Oh, yeah.

03:12Bear cub.

03:13Left cave.

03:14Mm-hmm.

03:15Uh-huh, that right there.

03:16Yeah, right.

03:17That little booger gave me a nose whistle during the whole show.

03:20Oh.

03:21Oh.

03:22Now I'm ready to receive.

03:23Mariska Hargitay, Your Holiness.

03:24Mariska Hargitay, Jessica Simpson.

03:25Mariska Hargitay, Jessica Simpson.

03:30Ha-ha-ha.

03:31Ha-ha-ha.

03:32Ha-ha-ha-ha.

03:33Ah.

03:34Alright.

03:35That little booger gave me a nose whistle during the whole show.

03:37Oh.

03:38Drssh.

03:39Drssh.

03:40Drssh.

03:41Drssh.

03:42Drssh.

03:43Drssh.

03:44Drssh.

03:45Now I'm ready to receive.

03:46Hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee.

03:47Mariska Hargitay, Your Holiness.

03:48Drssh.

03:49Drssh.

03:50Drssh.

03:51Did you get into the VIP room okay?

04:01Mariska Haggitay, Your Holiness.

04:08Mariska Haggitay, Val Kilmer.

04:11Why do you hurt me?

04:24I know I, I know I.

04:27Mariska Haggitay, Guru Kidney.

04:29Mariska Haggitay.

04:34Mariska Haggitay?

04:36I so enjoyed your sutra, especially the part about not being a victim.

04:40Oh, thank you.

04:41Because you are such a generous benefactor, we are establishing the Mariska Haggitay Special Victims Unit.

04:47The whole nine yards.

04:54Thank you, Your Holiness.

04:56You have gone from nowhere to now here.

05:01I'm beautiful and I have a secret.

05:05Oh, yes.

05:11Guru Pitgan.

05:13This is Jane Bullard, owner of the Toronto Maple Leafs.

05:18You pick up.

05:19Hello.

05:20Hello.

05:21Hello.

05:22Hello.

05:23You pick up.

05:24Hold on one second.

05:25You pick up.

05:26You pick up.

05:27What was it?

05:28What was it?

05:29What was it?

05:30What was it?

05:31What was it?

05:32So, you are the owner of the ice hockey team the Toronto Maple Leafs.

05:34Actually, it's Leaves.

05:35Who said that?

05:36Oh.

05:37Oh.

05:38Oh.

05:39Oh.

05:40Oh.

05:41Oh.

05:42Oh.

05:43Oh.

05:44Oh.

05:45Oh.

05:46Oh.

05:47Oh.

05:48Oh.

05:49Oh.

05:50Oh.

05:51Oh.

05:52Oh.

05:53Oh.

05:54Oh.

05:55Oh.

05:56Oh.

05:57How did you get there?

05:58This little guy scared the crap out of me.

05:59Think I'm gonna have to do a panty check.

06:11I might have some monkey mustard back there.

06:13No, I'm good.

06:15Who is his prick?

06:16Shhh.

06:17Well, how do you do?

06:20Shrimp?

06:21What did you call me, Jagamon?

06:22I'm sorry, I didn't catch your gnome.

06:25you are a midget I find that term condescending condescending that's a big

06:33word for you the man's an ass your holiness you're an expert on love yes I

06:41am why do you think Darren Roanoke threw away his marriage well in my book I know

06:47you are but what am I I explained that when love goes wrong nothing goes right

06:52yes I've read it it's impressive it's nothing short of a masterpiece so do you

06:58think you can come back with us to Toronto and the team jet it's a date is it now oh

07:04well this kittens gonna whip this is great your holiness I can see you now

07:14spreading your message of self-love on Oprah Oprah

I Know You Are, But What Am I？｜ The Love Guru

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I Know You Are, But What Am I？｜ The Love Guru