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Hollywood Journal
  • 1 week ago
On Tuesday afternoon, Jimmy Kimmel graced the stage of New York’s Lincoln Center for the ABC upfronts, and of, course, the comedy was in plentiful supply.
Transcript
00:00On Tuesday afternoon, Jimmy Kimmel graced the stage of New York's Lincoln Center for
00:03the ABC Upfronts, and of course, the comedy was in plentiful supply. During his 15-minute
00:08set, the late-night host spared no one taking jabs at all the broadcast networks,
00:11including his own, covering everything from Roseanne to Shonda Rhimes' departure for
00:15Netflix. Kimmel kicked things off, however, on a more serious note, addressing his
00:19absence from the 2017 presentation due to his son Billy's heart surgery.
00:23On behalf of my family, Kimmel announced,
00:25I want to thank you for the outpouring of support and well wishes for my son. You'll be happy to
00:29know he's doing much, much better than network television.
00:33Here, we take a look at some of the host's best jokes from the 2018 ABC Upfronts.
00:37Taking aim at his network's new motto, Kimmel quipped,
00:40We have a new slogan this year at ABC,
00:42forward together. Hillary Clinton had a yard sale and she let us have that for almost nothing.
00:46And in his two-part joke, Kimmel successfully took down the potential Disney-Fox merger
00:50and the exit of network superstar Shonda Rhimes.
00:53We have a lot riding on this merger, said the comedian. We can't lose Fox and Shonda Rhimes
00:57in one year. Shonda is an amazing talent and person who changed the face of this network.
01:02Now that she's leaving for Netflix, I can honestly say, on behalf of everyone here at ABC who have
01:07worked with her for so long, we hope she rots in hell. No, we're very sad to see Shonda leave,
01:12but as the saying goes, when one door closes, you're fucked.
01:16The mega-success of the Roseanne reboot also got a shout-out. No one at ABC expected Roseanne to be a
01:21big hit. Although, to be honest, we don't expect any of our shows to be hits. But Roseanne's
01:25success proves that the older and crazier you are, the more today's audience likes you. And that's
01:30why we're so proud to announce our new series, Gary Busey Proves 9-11 Never Happened.
01:34Addressing the recent spate of cancellations, Kimmel took a jab at one network in particular.
01:39Fox needs help, the host said. They canceled Lucifer and The Exorcist. They can't even make a deal with the devil.
01:44Pouncing on the fact that today's audience has watched TV very differently, Kimmel noted,
01:48Millennials have no idea how good they have it with all these choices. We didn't have choices.
01:53Remember when we didn't give a shit what was on TV? Frasier again? Fine. What am I going to do? Read?
01:59And for anyone who frequently worries that targeted advertising is getting creepier by the day,
02:03Kimmel is right there with you with this take that is almost not a joke at all.
02:07Our technology gets more advanced every year. We are on the verge of having data that is so specific,
02:12you will be able to blackmail viewers into using your products. Imagine how many cases of Budweiser
02:17your customer will buy to stop you from revealing that they actually watch Man With A Plan.
02:21Finally, the intrepid host finishes Upfront's routine with these uplifting words.
02:25So here's what I think we should do. Just let these stupid shows wash over us, clap politely,
02:30and then let's just get blackout drunk together. Our president is a lunatic and we're all going to die.
02:35And if we keep this up with these buzzwords, you know what it's going to say on our headstones?
02:38It's not going to say R.I.P. anymore. It's going to say KPI.
02:42You want that? I know I don't. Let's not do this again next year.
02:45To check out the full list of the best jokes Jimmy Kimmel made at the ABC Upfronts,
02:48head to THR.com and let us know which gags were your favorites in the comments.
02:52For The Hollywood Reporter News, I'm Lyndsey Rodrigues.
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