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Have I Got News for You - Season 70 Episode 10 -
Martin Clunes, Phil Wang, Janet Street-Porter
Martin Clunes, Phil Wang, Janet Street-Porter
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FunTranscript
00:00I'll be right back.
00:30APPLAUSE
00:32Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You.
00:35I'm Martin Clunes.
00:36In the news this week, as he faces up to the fact
00:39that he can no longer rely on Mo Salah,
00:41Liverpool's manager Arne Slott finds a replacement
00:44with the necessary guts and determination.
00:49No!
00:56That's some dog.
01:00On the Filipino version of Strictly,
01:02one of the professionals struggles to hide her feelings
01:04after seeing her former partner taking another dancer
01:07up the trocadero the night before.
01:15And in Westminster,
01:16having just patched things up with the Prime Minister,
01:18Wes Streeting's dad picks a bad moment
01:20to turn up with his son's Christmas present.
01:25LAUGHTER
01:30On Ian's team tonight is a comedian
01:32and the host of the BAFTA Games Awards.
01:34So he's bringing with him a large demographic
01:36of young people who stay in their bedroom
01:37and don't watch TV shows like this.
01:39So, sob them.
01:40Please welcome Phil Wang.
01:41APPLAUSE
01:48On Paul's team tonight is a journalist and broadcaster
01:50who once appeared on Celebrity Masterchef with Greg Wallace.
01:53The loud, abrasive banter was hard to take,
01:55but somehow Greg weathered the storm.
01:58LAUGHTER
01:59Please welcome Janet Street-Porter.
02:00APPLAUSE
02:06And we begin with the biggest stories of the week.
02:08Paul and Janet, here's yours.
02:10Yeah.
02:11OK, well, that's the World Cup draw in 1966.
02:13And this is the head of FIFA with...
02:16It's Canada and America and Mexico.
02:18There's Donald Trump.
02:19Trump got a Peace Award from FIFA.
02:21This is the World Cup draw that happened.
02:23Trump was given a special medal and a...
02:26And a...
02:27It's an inaugural Peace Prize.
02:28Yes.
02:29It's not any old prize.
02:30No.
02:31It's the football's answer to the Nobel Peace Prize.
02:32That's right.
02:33Because obviously he was denied that.
02:35Yeah.
02:36So now he's got the far superior version.
02:38Yeah.
02:39The FIFA Peace Prize.
02:41But it's a rather odd-looking sort of trophy that he's got.
02:44It's sort of like his hands coming out of the earth
02:46and grasping the planet, you know.
02:47It's like a zombie sort of effect.
02:49LAUGHTER
02:50There we are, look at this.
02:52That's a bit bizarre, isn't it?
02:53That trophy's perfect for him.
02:54Like, he wishes his hands were that big.
02:56Mm.
02:57You know, grab the world by the pussy.
03:00LAUGHTER
03:02Trump was so pleased with the Peace Prize,
03:04he suggested that the American should stop calling their football football.
03:08Extraordinary.
03:09It's like changing the name of the Gulf of Mexico.
03:11Yeah.
03:12LAUGHTER
03:13He's just so needy.
03:15Yeah.
03:16That's what I couldn't believe.
03:17He needs affirmation every ten minutes, doesn't he?
03:19Yeah.
03:20Please give me a prize.
03:21Oh, and you do, and he's not faking it.
03:23He was so happy.
03:24Yeah.
03:25You can buy those trophies in B&Q.
03:27LAUGHTER
03:28So his favourite band, the Village People,
03:31performed his favourite song.
03:32Yes, that's right.
03:33Let's have a look at that.
03:34Yeah.
03:35When you look at them, you wonder how they met in the first place?
03:38LAUGHTER
03:39Is it only big, macho bands?
03:41Pet shop boys?
03:42LAUGHTER
03:43You've run out of bands, haven't you?
03:44LAUGHTER
03:45That's it.
03:46That's it.
03:47Other than giving the 2034 World Cup to Saudi Arabia,
03:51what else is happening to promote gay rights through football?
03:56LAUGHTER
03:58LAUGHTER
03:59There's an LGBT Pride match, isn't there?
04:00And had to draw the teams who are going to play that match at random,
04:01and the teams they drew to play the Pride match are Egypt and Iran.
04:03LAUGHTER
04:04That's it.
04:05You've run out of bands, haven't you?
04:06That's it.
04:07That's it.
04:08Other than giving the 2034 World Cup to Saudi Arabia,
04:10what else is happening to promote gay rights through football?
04:12LAUGHTER
04:13There's an LGBT Pride match, isn't there?
04:15And had to draw the teams who are going to play that match at random,
04:17and the teams they drew to play the Pride match are Egypt and Iran.
04:19LAUGHTER
04:32It's unbelievable.
04:33It's like if you had an International Women's Day match
04:35played by Egypt and Iran, I guess.
04:38LAUGHTER
04:39I'm really looking forward to the World Cup being in, in America.
04:42You know, all these teams from around the world
04:44getting tear-gassed by ice, every man.
04:46LAUGHTER
04:48Like, the US wins at the end because it's the only team left.
04:51LAUGHTER
04:52You've got a football now, so what do you reckon it ought to...
04:55I reckon it's, er...
04:57It's a sure thing.
04:59LAUGHTER
05:00Do you think that loft house should be picked?
05:02LAUGHTER
05:05That's just a trick question.
05:06They're trying to make me look a fool by choosing a footballer from 1943.
05:11LAUGHTER
05:121953, you'd have been right.
05:13LAUGHTER
05:14Yeah.
05:15Not everybody enjoyed the two-hour World Cup ceremony.
05:18Here's a clip of sports commentator Jonathan Pearce.
05:22And if I can ask you to come in front here for another photo
05:25with the paper, con el papelito, por favor.
05:28Hopefully the draw will be finished in time for the first match
05:32to kick off in June.
05:34LAUGHTER
05:35The man on the right, Mark Carney, was the governor of the Bank of England.
05:41Yeah, he's done well, hasn't he?
05:42Yeah, he's really gone up the food chain, hasn't he?
05:44Yeah, absolutely.
05:45He now has to grovel to Trump.
05:47Yeah.
05:48I do love that he's called Infantino because he does have a baby's head.
05:52LAUGHTER
05:53Which he keeps on a draw.
05:55I wonder...
05:56LAUGHTER
06:01Football was invented in Britain.
06:02Which other sport do we have that Trump might enjoy?
06:05Cricket, not cricket.
06:06He doesn't like cricket.
06:07It's the darts.
06:08The world championships.
06:09Oh, yes.
06:10Let's have a look at how the BBC covered that.
06:12Yeah.
06:13The excitement of darts is more intense
06:15than going to a game of football or anything like that.
06:17And how do the prices compare?
06:19You know, football tickets.
06:20Oh, it's a lot better here.
06:21Darts are so much better.
06:22Entertainment is better.
06:23You can't go to football and buy these two and go in there.
06:30Away from sport, what's Trump's latest tactic
06:32to get peace in Ukraine?
06:34It's...
06:35He's going to recruit the Pet Shop Boys.
06:36LAUGHTER
06:37No, he's...
06:38Well, I mean, basically what Russia wants
06:40is what Trump's going forward.
06:41Yeah, his latest plan is just tell Zelensky, you know, man up.
06:45Yeah, man up.
06:46He's going to stop supporting Ukraine,
06:47describing Europe as weak.
06:49Oh, yeah.
06:50Decaying, ruled by leaders who are real stupid.
06:52Yeah.
06:53All part of Trump's charm offensive.
06:55He's tried the charm, now he's just being offensive.
06:57LAUGHTER
06:58Have you got the footage of him making his speech in Pennsylvania
07:01where he made a rather strange admission?
07:03Yes, I believe we have.
07:05Yeah.
07:06For minors.
07:07Do we love minors?
07:08I love minors.
07:09LAUGHTER
07:10Also this week, Donald Trump presented medals to stars of entertainment,
07:18including Sylvester Stallone and the disco queen Gloria Gaynor.
07:22At first I was afraid.
07:23I was petrified.
07:24Said Sly about his facelift.
07:26LAUGHTER
07:27He didn't look as bad as that in the Rocky films when he was beaten for 15 rounds.
07:35Dear oh dear.
07:36Dear oh dear.
07:37Yeah.
07:38This is the World Cup draw and the surprise awarding of the FIFA Peace Prize to Donald Trump.
07:44Meanwhile in Oslo, the Nobel Prize for League Two Manager of the Month went to Oldham Athletic's Mickey Mellon.
07:49LAUGHTER
07:50At the ceremony, FIFA President Gianni Infantino declared,
07:54Football is the language of love.
07:56Clearly a man's never been to a Millwall game.
07:58LAUGHTER
07:59One of Scotland's games will kick off at 2am, leading Scotland manager Steve Clarke to say,
08:05it's maybe a little bit more difficult for the kids.
08:07Not really.
08:08They'll all have sobered up by the time school's served.
08:10LAUGHTER
08:11Under a new Trump plan, tourists to the US will have to reveal their last five years of social media activity.
08:18It looks like it's Guantanamo for Gary Lineker.
08:20LAUGHTER
08:22Ian and Phil, here's yours.
08:24Trying to get signal in central London.
08:27That's me preparing for tonight.
08:29LAUGHTER
08:31My dad meeting my girlfriend's dead.
08:33LAUGHTER
08:36That's your cat.
08:37That's me.
08:38His GP's just cancelled his appointment.
08:40LAUGHTER
08:42I didn't know what that cat was doing.
08:47It was doing something rhythmical, repetitive, but what was it doing?
08:50Leave it.
08:51LAUGHTER
08:54LAUGHTER
08:59And Keir Starmer has just started a TikTok account.
09:02Yes, he has.
09:03So, TikTok's over.
09:05LAUGHTER
09:07It's official.
09:08But the weird thing is, the rest of the government aren't allowed to be on TikTok.
09:12Because it's Chinese-owned.
09:13Mm.
09:14But that doesn't occur to him.
09:16He's got a burner.
09:17LAUGHTER
09:19LAUGHTER
09:20The Chinese are so good at spying.
09:22I'm not even a comedian, I'm just here to keep tabs on Ian.
09:25LAUGHTER
09:26Shall we have a look at our leader's TikTok clip?
09:29Yeah.
09:30Yes, let's.
09:31TikTok following.
09:33Now it's Christmas time!
09:35Three, two, one!
09:38What a huge amount of fun.
09:45LAUGHTER
09:46Was that it?
09:48Was that it?
09:49Yeah, but he turned the lights on and nothing went wrong.
09:53That's a big government hit.
09:55Even I, pensioner, know that wasn't doing it.
10:00Do you TikTok?
10:02No.
10:03Oh.
10:04But if I did, I'd be a bloody sight better than that.
10:06LAUGHTER
10:07It's absolutely threadbare.
10:09Who else is hoping to communicate with their legions of fans
10:12without having to go through the mainstream media?
10:16Hmm.
10:17Is this Nigel Farage?
10:18It's Liz Truss.
10:19Oh, Liz Truss!
10:20She's got a new channel.
10:21She's opening up new talk markets.
10:23LAUGHTER
10:25Yes.
10:27Martin, that joke is a disgrace.
10:31LAUGHTER
10:33I'll own it.
10:34Well, let's have a look at her on YouTube, shall we?
10:37Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the home of the Cantor revolution.
10:41Welcome to the Liz Truss show.
10:44LAUGHTER
10:46We're two months away from Boris Johnson on OnlyFans, aren't we?
10:49I mean...
10:50LAUGHTER
10:53This is getting ridiculous.
10:55Oh, it was the pull on that shot, the pulled back.
10:58It's a cameraman realising who she is and running away.
11:01LAUGHTER
11:02At one point, she described a broken Britain
11:05where people are pulling their own teeth out.
11:08And thanks to her new show, they started tearing their ears off as well.
11:12LAUGHTER
11:13There's also...
11:14She says all kinds of weird stuff in this show.
11:15She says at one point that everyone in Britain is...
11:18is marrying their cousin.
11:20But I think that's just because she was an MP for Norfolk.
11:23It doesn't...
11:24LAUGHTER
11:25Oh, boy.
11:26Oh, you'd be taking that backwards how I live in Norfolk.
11:29LAUGHTER
11:30Wait, her cousin hears about that.
11:32LAUGHTER
11:35The first bit of the show was her explaining
11:37how she didn't crash the economy.
11:39Yes. Yeah.
11:40Again, she tried to take legal action against Keir Starmer,
11:43who said, you know, you crashed the economy,
11:46and she issued through her lawyers a cease and desist letter.
11:49Yeah.
11:50Which he read out and got big laughs in the comments.
11:53LAUGHTER
11:54And also, on a fashion note,
11:56she's still wearing that strange necklace that's a gold circle
11:59that I think is actually like her on-off switch or...
12:03LAUGHTER
12:05What's happening to Nigel Farage?
12:07He's being investigated.
12:08He's being probed.
12:09Yeah.
12:10Ooh.
12:11I didn't know that bit.
12:12Yeah.
12:13Election.
12:14Spending more money than they're allowed.
12:15But he's denying it.
12:16And it's a former member of his own team.
12:18That's right.
12:19Richard Everett.
12:20Yeah.
12:21He's claiming that the local expenses were declared
12:23as national campaign expenses, such as banners, T-shirts,
12:26a reform-themed bar in the campaign office
12:29and an armoured vehicle.
12:31LAUGHTER
12:32How do you make a bar reform themed?
12:34There's only pale ale available.
12:36LAUGHTER
12:38Who's been interrogating Rachel Reeves about the budget this week?
12:43Bagpuss.
12:44LAUGHTER
12:45Oh, the Parliamentary Finance Committee.
12:48Yeah, Bagpuss is on it.
12:49Yes.
12:50Being asked about the...
12:51What led up to the budget?
12:53Is she responsible?
12:54She said the budget leaks were damaging and unacceptable.
12:58What about the budget?
12:59LAUGHTER
13:00I don't know what you're all thinking.
13:02What does Tony Blackburn think about the Commons Treasury Committee leak inquiry?
13:06What does he think?
13:07What does he think?
13:08Yeah.
13:09He says, why is the government having a leak inquiry?
13:10I think they're delicious.
13:11LAUGHTER
13:13There's not a single leak in that picture.
13:15LAUGHTER
13:17Who did Keir Starmer say he was missing?
13:20His mum here?
13:21Angela Rayner.
13:22It was Angela Rayner.
13:23It was Angela Rayner.
13:24Yeah, yeah.
13:25And then he was asked in an interview, will she be back?
13:27Absolutely.
13:28To which he replied, yes, she's hugely talented.
13:31Someone's got to be.
13:33LAUGHTER
13:34Was she giving him a wedgie when he said that?
13:36According to the i-newspaper, who's the most popular choice with the grannies?
13:41Oh, er, Wes Streeting.
13:42Do we know how Angela Rayner really feels about Wes Streeting?
13:45Yes, we do, yeah.
13:47LAUGHTER
13:50They were suggesting the two of them are going to work together.
13:52Yes.
13:53Cos Wes Streeting is sort of on the right of the Labour Party and she's on the left.
13:57So they'd be happy working together.
14:00They've got a nickname, the duo.
14:02Wangula.
14:03Wangula.
14:04Is that your drag name?
14:05LAUGHTER
14:06Ian and I could be Wangslop.
14:08LAUGHTER
14:10Here we come.
14:11Here we come.
14:12Sounds like a disease that affects cattle.
14:14LAUGHTER
14:16Yeah, this is the news that Keir Starmer now has a TikTok channel.
14:20There may be security concerns over Starmer's use of Chinese-owned TikTok,
14:24but his advisers insist it's vital to woo young folk,
14:28which, coincidentally, is the name of China's top spy.
14:31LAUGHTER
14:34TikTok operates on a sophisticated algorithm,
14:37so if you do follow Keir Starmer,
14:39you soon will also be sent videos of lemmings jumping off cliffs
14:42and paint drying.
14:43LAUGHTER
14:45And so...
14:46Wait for it.
14:47Yeah.
14:48We move to round two.
14:49Oh!
14:50The advent calendar of news.
14:52Look at that bad boy, eh?
14:54Beautiful.
14:55Ian, would you like to be the first to pick a number?
14:57Yes, I'd like to pick number 16.
15:00Oh, cheeky.
15:01LAUGHTER
15:02Why is that cheeky?
15:03LAUGHTER
15:04LAUGHTER
15:05Why is that cheeky?
15:06LAUGHTER
15:14Oh...
15:15Oh, this is a survey about monogamy...
15:17Yeah.
15:18..in the animal kingdom.
15:19Mm.
15:20And it turns out that human beings are pretty monogamous,
15:23but we're more monogamous than most other species.
15:26That's right.
15:27And that's very encouraging.
15:28Yeah.
15:29LAUGHTER
15:30We're like number seven or something.
15:32But...
15:33That's not bad.
15:34Yeah.
15:35If they left Boris Johnson out of the numbers,
15:36we'd be number two.
15:37LAUGHTER
15:42And meerkats.
15:43Meerkats aren't monogamous,
15:44because they're always comparing things, aren't they?
15:46They're never really caught.
15:47LAUGHTER
15:49There's a better deal out there.
15:51Do you know which animal was ranked the most faithful?
15:53Beavers.
15:54Leave it.
15:55LAUGHTER
16:01No.
16:02It's the California deer mouse.
16:04Let's have a look at this fellow.
16:05Look.
16:06Aww.
16:07You wouldn't cheat on him, would you?
16:08No.
16:09He's nice.
16:10It's one of those few animals that comes with its own carrying handle.
16:13LAUGHTER
16:15He's got big ears, hasn't he?
16:18Mm-hm.
16:19Leave it.
16:20Number one.
16:21LAUGHTER
16:26At the other end of the scale,
16:28which animal puts it about the most?
16:31Chimpanzees.
16:32No.
16:33Dolphins, baboons, killer whales, black bears are all in the bottom ten,
16:35but in the last position is Scotland's Soae sheep.
16:39Oh, there he is.
16:40Oh, wow.
16:41Oh, my son!
16:43LAUGHTER
16:44So, where were you last night?
16:46LAUGHTER
16:51He'd literally been dragged to a hedge pack.
16:53LAUGHTER
16:54If you do it right.
16:56Um...
16:57LAUGHTER
16:58Where did...
16:59Leave it!
17:00CHEERING
17:01Professor Robin Dunbar from Oxford University explained humans' relatively low monogamy rating.
17:07He told The Guardian,
17:08Humans desire polygamy, but are constrained into a grudging form of monogamy.
17:14LAUGHTER
17:15He'd probably be pleased with that.
17:16Exactly.
17:17Yeah.
17:18In related news, what profession is most likely to have an affair?
17:21Plumbers.
17:22According to a website from illicitcouncil.com.
17:24Milkman?
17:25Postman.
17:26Postman?
17:27Yeah, absolutely.
17:28Yeah.
17:29That's your first-class mail, love.
17:30Yeah.
17:31LAUGHTER
17:32We'll just fit in your letterbox.
17:33It's all there.
17:34I've got a package for you.
17:35Yeah, exactly.
17:36It's all there.
17:37Oh, my God!
17:38LAUGHTER
17:39Do you want a stamp on it?
17:44LAUGHTER
17:45It's all there.
17:46Panto was brought to you.
17:48Yeah.
17:49Exactly.
17:50Although, gardeners, window cleaners, estate agents and bin men also appear in the top ten.
17:55Bin men?
17:56Woo!
17:57What's happened to Britain's acting community?
17:59LAUGHTER
18:00It used to be right up there.
18:01Leave it.
18:02LAUGHTER
18:03Um...
18:04Paul, would you like to pick a number?
18:06Yes, I'll pick number two.
18:08Actually, no, I'm making it number 24.
18:10No, no, sorry, I'll go 15.
18:11OK.
18:12Because it'll all be the same story anyway.
18:14LAUGHTER
18:15And the door doesn't even open.
18:17It does, look, it's a drawer.
18:18Oh, it's a drawer.
18:19I see.
18:20Fantastic.
18:21And in there is your question.
18:22Yeah, what's it say?
18:23It says...
18:24LAUGHTER
18:26..empty.
18:27Oh, oh, oh.
18:29Well, this is trains, isn't it?
18:31The British Rail are painting their trains different colours, I think.
18:34This is a new, sort of, like, insignia or a logo or whatever you want to call it.
18:37Livery.
18:38Livery, yeah.
18:39Livery.
18:40Haven't they painted red, white and blue on the back of them?
18:42Oh, yeah.
18:43Oh, there's the colour.
18:44That's cheery.
18:45Oh, my gosh.
18:46Good to see GV News branching out.
18:48LAUGHTER
18:49I can't believe they're wasting money like this.
18:51Yeah.
18:52The branding was designed in-house at the Department for Transport.
18:54How did Transport Secretary Heidi Alexander describe the project?
18:57It's nothing to do with me.
18:59LAUGHTER
19:00I'm sorry it's late.
19:02LAUGHTER
19:03Here's Heidi with news of the train.
19:05There we go.
19:06She's got one with her.
19:07She's a very big woman, isn't she?
19:08Yeah.
19:09LAUGHTER
19:10Is this what HS2 is now?
19:13Heidi's just going to throw us across the...
19:15LAUGHTER
19:16Well, the livery hasn't exactly been received too well.
19:19The co-founder of the Design Museum, Stephen Bailey, shared his thoughts.
19:23It's atrocious.
19:24It's a mad dog's breakfast.
19:26LAUGHTER
19:27He went on to describe it as a national disgrace, a visual mess,
19:30a nursery school project and an abomination.
19:33LAUGHTER
19:34Embarrassing, vulgar, feeble...
19:36LAUGHTER
19:37Careless, clumsy, unintelligent, uncoordinated
19:40and an explicit rejection of excellence.
19:42LAUGHTER
19:44That clears that up.
19:46LAUGHTER
19:47In other news, what's agitating the residents of Sheringham in Norfolk?
19:51Is that near you?
19:52Have they got a station?
19:53Is it going to be closed?
19:55No, the council want to demolish a bus stop which dates from the 1950s
19:59and replace it with a more modern structure, but locals aren't having it.
20:02Here's a post from the local Facebook page.
20:04LAUGHTER
20:06It says, does anyone know if Roger's still tied to the bus stop?
20:11I tied him up at 7.45am.
20:14After protesters had occupied the site and refused to leave for nine days,
20:19the council held an emergency vote on the demolition
20:21and the bus stop has been saved.
20:23Yay!
20:24Yes!
20:25So...
20:26It was a bus stop, but why do I have a picture of a train in there?
20:29That's kind of confusing.
20:31Because of the replacement bus ratio.
20:34So, if the bus doesn't turn up, there's a replacement train?
20:36Yep.
20:37LAUGHTER
20:39And if the train doesn't turn up, there's a private jet.
20:42LAUGHTER
20:43And if all those fails, you can get on the bike and go to where you want to go?
20:46Yeah.
20:47LAUGHTER
20:48Janet, would you like to pick a number?
20:50Doesn't matter what you pick.
20:51Shh!
20:52LAUGHTER
20:53It's ruining everyone's Christmas porn.
20:55All right, six.
20:56Six?
20:57Hey, six.
20:58Six?
20:59Hey, six.
21:00LAUGHTER
21:09Ah, yes.
21:10Liverpudlians love gravy.
21:11Yeah.
21:12And there are four of the most famous Liverpudlians,
21:14and they all loved gravy, there we are.
21:16How do we know that, Paul?
21:17Well, there's a picture of them holding gravy boats, look.
21:19Look, the gravy boat's going the wrong way in George's hands.
21:23What way should a gravy boat go?
21:25Well, nobody ever holds a gravy boat turning outwards, do they?
21:28LAUGHTER
21:29George Harrison did, yeah.
21:31LAUGHTER
21:32See, John Lennon keeps filling up George Harrison's gravy boat.
21:34LAUGHTER
21:36I don't like gravy, you're getting it anyway.
21:39LAUGHTER
21:40Did you ever drink the gravy straight from the gravy boat
21:42when you were little?
21:43I used to take the gravy cubes, put them in my mouth,
21:45then put some water in.
21:46LAUGHTER
21:47Oh, you are just showing off about how poor you are.
21:50LAUGHTER
21:51A gravy boat.
21:52OK, we couldn't afford water.
21:54LAUGHTER
21:55So, the Daily Express covered a survey of 2,000 roast-loving Brits,
21:59which found that in Liverpool,
22:0173% say that gravy's the most vital ingredient.
22:04Yeah.
22:05Not the meat.
22:06You're having Sunday lunch and you're saying the gravy's more important
22:08than the meat or anything else in the drink.
22:10If you live in Liverpool.
22:11You know what they would like? Soup.
22:13LAUGHTER
22:15APPLAUSE
22:17I think they're eating the wrong meal.
22:22Do you want to hear a joke about two Scousers in a supermarket?
22:26Hey, have you heard there's been a fire at Sayno's?
22:29Has there?
22:30No, Sayno's!
22:34Back to gravy.
22:35They've developed a handy chart which you can use to decide how you like your gravy.
22:39The gravy grid, not unlike the Bristol stool chart.
22:42LAUGHTER
22:44Oh, why did you have to say that?
22:46Paul, are you thick or very thick?
22:48Medium thick.
22:50I'd go for sort of like the 3C.
22:52I'm definitely a 4D.
22:53Most Brits voted for 5B,
22:55which is medium brown and medium thick.
22:57LAUGHTER
23:03Anybody wants to pick a joke up there, they're welcome.
23:05LAUGHTER
23:06In other news,
23:07wherever large quantity of bananas turned up recently...
23:09Oh, yeah, they've been washed up.
23:11There you go.
23:12Oh.
23:13According to The Telegraph,
23:14locals treated it as a free-for-all,
23:15but one local resident, John Screech,
23:17who's usually on the beach stealing chips,
23:19said...
23:20LAUGHTER
23:22They've all gone black.
23:23The beach looks like it's covered in dog poo.
23:25Which, of course, it actually is.
23:27LAUGHTER
23:29This is the news that Liverpool is the gravy capital of the UK.
23:32One newspaper printed Asda's Handy Gravy Grid.
23:35That's the same grid they use on Strictly for the shade of fake tan.
23:38Goes from A1, the palest, all the way down to D6,
23:41or Claudia Winkleman.
23:43LAUGHTER
23:44Time now for the odd one-out round.
23:46Just one between you this week.
23:47Yeah.
23:48Your four are...
23:49A man at a steakhouse in Devon,
23:51an arrested shopper in Auckland,
23:53protesters at the Tower of London,
23:54and the old lady who swallowed a fly.
23:56LAUGHTER
23:57I think this is about people eating things,
24:00and the odd one-out is the protester,
24:02because she threw apple crumble at the Crown Jewels
24:05as a protest against the establishment and the state.
24:08Do you know anything about the man who's arrested?
24:10I guess he ate something he wasn't meant to eat?
24:12Yeah.
24:13Maybe?
24:14He stole something and ate it?
24:15So, she's the odd one-out.
24:16Yeah, they've all eaten something they shouldn't,
24:17except for the protestors at the Tower of London
24:19who threw something meant for eating.
24:21Wasn't there a man who swallowed a leaf,
24:24and then he got arrested when he coughed it out for littering?
24:28This week.
24:29Oh, did that happen this...
24:31Oh, yes, I did hear that.
24:32Yeah.
24:33It was in the news.
24:34Yeah.
24:35It's not important.
24:36A man...
24:37A man swallowed a leaf...
24:38Yeah.
24:39..and coughed it up...
24:40Yeah.
24:41..and was accused of littering...
24:42Yeah.
24:43..because the leaf fell on the ground.
24:44Yeah.
24:45Yeah.
24:46Leaf it!
24:47LAUGHTER
24:49Can you find the headline?
24:51Just to make it clear I'm not making this up,
24:54I'm just asking the producers.
24:55Of the Leaf Man?
24:56Of the Leaf Man,
24:57because otherwise it looks as though I'm completely mad.
25:00LAUGHTER
25:01In the meantime, I'm going to plough on.
25:02Yeah, go on.
25:03You're right.
25:04The group called Take Back Power,
25:06they threw crumble and custard at the Crown Jewels.
25:09According to The Telegraph,
25:10one guard approached the protestors saying,
25:12Excuse me.
25:13Excuse me.
25:14He's now been made head of security for the move.
25:17LAUGHTER
25:19And they did it to force the ultra-rich to pay more tax.
25:24We're not sure if it worked,
25:26more on that story later.
25:27LAUGHTER
25:29The group, they do have a bit of previous.
25:31What other stunts have some of its supporters pulled?
25:33Pavlova at Big Ben.
25:35LAUGHTER
25:36According to The Telegraph,
25:38they're protesting at a Quaker meeting house.
25:40They presumably threw oats.
25:42LAUGHTER
25:44Silent protest.
25:46LAUGHTER
25:48The man in Cattlemen's Steakhouse in Dublin,
25:51what did he do that he shouldn't have done?
25:52He ordered too much.
25:53I mean, that's a huge bit of steak, isn't it?
25:55Yeah.
25:56Was there, like, a challenge?
25:57Yeah, a steak challenge.
25:58Yeah, yeah, he ate too much steak.
25:59Rhys Chadfield took on their eating challenge involving two kilograms
26:02of steak.
26:03Oh.
26:04Two days later, Rhys had to be taken to hospital,
26:06where they said he'd eaten so much that his stomach had stopped
26:08digesting food.
26:09Oh!
26:10When asked how common an injury this was,
26:12doctors replied, medium rare.
26:14LAUGHTER
26:19The Cattlemen's Steakhouse would like us to point out
26:21that their food wasn't responsible for the mistake,
26:24although next time Rhys goes there,
26:26Miss Steak would be good advice to follow.
26:29LAUGHTER
26:30The other fella...
26:31Yeah?
26:32What did he eat, do you think, at a jewellery shop in Auckland?
26:35It...
26:36It shocked everyone.
26:37Diamond ring.
26:38Er, engraved cufflinks.
26:40Hiya.
26:41Engraved cufflinks!
26:42LAUGHTER
26:46It was a Fabergé egg worth 14,250 pounds.
26:51And they are waiting for it to pass through.
26:54A policeman said an officer was assigned to spend six days
26:57monitoring every bowel movement until finally the egg was laid.
27:03If that didn't work, they were going to rely on the long arm
27:05of the law.
27:09Here is the Fabergé egg after it was passed through
27:11the thief's anus.
27:12Oh!
27:13With the price tag still on it, which that cleaned up nicely,
27:16didn't it?
27:17LAUGHTER
27:18How are they getting on with the story about the man
27:21that swallowed a leaf?
27:22Have we heard?
27:23Have we heard?
27:24No.
27:25They've all eaten something that they shouldn't have,
27:28except the protesters at the Tower of London who threw
27:30something meant for eating.
27:31According to one newspaper, activists were seen smearing custard
27:34over the Crown Jewels.
27:36Coincidentally, one of the accusations levelled at Greg Wallace.
27:39LAUGHTER
27:41Reece Chadfield was hospitalised after competing in back-to-back
27:45eating challenges, including a two-kilogram steak.
27:48Doctors revealed Reece had a temperature of 39 degrees
27:51and his blood group was peppercorn sauce.
27:53LAUGHTER
27:54And it's time now for the missing words round,
27:57which this week features, as its guest publication,
28:00the newsletter of the British Leafy Salads Association.
28:04LAUGHTER
28:05This month's guest editor yet again, Liz Truss.
28:07Yeah.
28:08LAUGHTER
28:09We start with...
28:10Clubbers surprised by what showing up at a rave?
28:13Oh, this is Michael Gove.
28:15LAUGHTER
28:16Father Christmas.
28:18Oh, I know this one.
28:19Go on, him.
28:20Baby Seal.
28:21Oh...
28:23There we are.
28:25Satan.
28:27Well...
28:28The Devil Incarnate.
28:29Beelzebub.
28:30No, stop, stop.
28:31Giles Brandreth.
28:32Just stop.
28:35It's the Pope.
28:37Hey!
28:39Here is the Pope's appearance at the rave in Slovakia.
28:43And may the blessing of almighty God,
28:46the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit
28:48come upon you and remain with you always.
28:51Amen.
28:52Amen.
28:53LAUGHTER
29:04According to Classic FM, the rave was part of an attempt
29:06to bridge the gap between the Catholic Church and young people.
29:10LAUGHTER
29:11APPLAUSE
29:12Next, what found hiding in nativity scene?
29:14This is...
29:15Geoffrey Epstein.
29:16An ill...
29:17I know.
29:18No.
29:19An asylum seeker.
29:20He was part of a nativity tableau.
29:21Man on the run found hiding in a nativity scene.
29:24A Ghanaian migrant on the run from police attempted to evade capture
29:26by hiding in a nativity scene in Italy.
29:28See if you've got a comment on the run.
29:29See if you can spot him.
29:30LAUGHTER
29:31I would like to thank the director for zooming in,
29:32because I couldn't make it out.
29:33LAUGHTER
29:34Next, what is one of the most eagerly anticipated events
29:37in the British Leafy Salads Association calendar?
29:40Me today.
29:41LAUGHTER
29:42Is it cosplay?
29:43Oh!
29:44That's it.
29:45Nice.
29:46It's the Brassica and Leafy Salad Conference.
29:47LAUGHTER
29:48Oh, wow.
29:49Yeah.
29:50Finally.
29:51Man...
29:52I would like to thank the director for zooming in,
29:53because I couldn't make it out.
29:54LAUGHTER
29:55Next, what is one of the most eagerly anticipated events
29:57in the British Leafy Salads Association calendar?
30:00Me today.
30:01LAUGHTER
30:02Is it cosplay?
30:05Oh!
30:06APPLAUSE
30:08That's it.
30:09Nice.
30:10It's the Brassica and Leafy Salad Conference.
30:13LAUGHTER
30:14Oh, wow.
30:15Yeah.
30:16Finally.
30:17Man teaches octopus what in just six months?
30:20French.
30:21The true meaning of Christmas.
30:23The offside rule.
30:25LAUGHTER
30:26It's to play the piano.
30:27Oh!
30:28No!
30:29Let's have a look.
30:36You have a big range, Tagu.
30:39He's like Rashmani now.
30:41LAUGHTER
30:42I'm believing the story more of you were telling me
30:43the octopus was teaching him to play the guitar.
30:45LAUGHTER
30:46Well, I completely disagree.
30:47I thought that was beautiful.
30:48Yeah.
30:49Lovely.
30:50Yeah.
30:51This was a Swedish musician who rescued the live octopus
30:52from a fish market where it was set to be killed.
30:54and taught it how to play jazz piano.
30:55No, he didn't.
30:56The RSPCA stepped in arguing it was more humane to let it die.
30:58LAUGHTER
30:59So, the final scores are...
31:00This is interesting.
31:01Uh, this is interesting.
31:02Uh, this is interesting.
31:03Uh, this is interesting.
31:04LAUGHTER
31:05I'm believing the story more of you were telling me
31:06the octopus was teaching him to play the guitar.
31:07LAUGHTER
31:08Well, I completely disagree.
31:09I thought that was beautiful.
31:10Yeah.
31:11Lovely.
31:12But before we go there's just time for the caption competition.
31:27Don't look now but it's an octopus playing jazz piano.
31:29LAUGHTER
31:31Well done.
31:32Well done!
31:34But before we go there's just time for the caption competition.
31:37Don't look now but it's an octopus playing jazz piano.
31:40LAUGHTER
31:42On which note?
31:44LAUGHTER
31:46Hang on, we can't go, yeah, we want about the leaf man.
31:48Yeah, come on, leaf man. We want leaf man. Yeah.
31:51Here we are.
31:53CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
31:57It says on the corner, crated by AI.
31:59LAUGHTER
32:01Artificial Ian.
32:03LAUGHTER
32:04On which note we say thank you to our panellists,
32:06Ian Hislop and Phil Wang, Paul Merton and Janet Street-Porter.
32:09And I leave you with news that in California,
32:12Elon Musk's plan to live forever as an AI-driven humanoid
32:15needs a little bit more work.
32:18LAUGHTER
32:20At a party in Chelsea, two people powerfully attracted to each other
32:23agree to ditch the gooseberry and find somewhere more intimate.
32:27LAUGHTER
32:30The divisions continue in your party
32:32as Jeremy Corbyn unveils his new nickname for Zara Sultana.
32:36LAUGHTER
32:38In Glasgow, one nana in the crowd at the football
32:43realises too late that she's left her special cushion at home.
32:47LAUGHTER
32:49And in London, there are awkward scenes at an office Christmas party
32:54where demoralised staff are forced to join their boss
32:57in doing the conga.
32:59LAUGHTER
33:01LAUGHTER
33:04Good night.
33:05APPLAUSE
33:06Looking for something to believe in?
33:19Try a new drama, The War Between the Land and the Sea.
33:22It's on BBC iPlayer.
33:24And less plausible but equally as enjoyable, Mammoth is back with a new series
33:29and that's also on BBC iPlayer.
33:31APPLAUSE
33:32APPLAUSE
33:34MUSIC
33:39MUSIC
33:40MUSIC
33:42MUSIC
33:43MUSIC
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