- 4 months ago
Albert is looking forward to another family Christmas but Harold wants to go to Majorca. When Albert pulls his customary stunt and feigns illness Harold agrees to stay and spend the holiday money on a lavish Christmas party
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01:00Well, that's that.
01:04We're in.
01:04Yes.
01:05One double room with bath, a balcony overlooking the scene.
01:09Hotel Miramar Puerta de Vallarta Mallorca.
01:12That's for the whole of the Christmas period returning to the UK January the 3rd.
01:16Good, good.
01:17Now, I see there's a golf course attached.
01:20Is that a separate charge?
01:21Yes, I'm afraid it is.
01:22But you can pay here, you know, save spending the old pesetas.
01:25Yes.
01:37The dustbins are in the alleyway right now.
01:40How are we getting along?
01:44Uh, now this hotel, it's all right, is it?
01:47I mean, there's an awful lot of working class go to New York these days, huh?
01:52Oh, not the, not to the Hotel Miramar, sir.
01:54No, I assure you.
01:55Oh, no.
01:56I mean, 32 acres in its own ground, own swimming pool, own beach.
02:00Oh, no.
02:00You'll be well away from them.
02:02And they have guard dogs as well.
02:05Well, that's all right, then.
02:07Oh, I see they have a beauty salon and a hairdressers.
02:11Oh, yes, yes.
02:12First class international standard.
02:14Is there a sauna?
02:15Oh, yes.
02:16I think you'll find they have everything there that you have in Epsom.
02:25Yeah!
02:27Oh, I don't excuse me.
02:29I don't beg your pardon.
02:31You'd think they'd be used to that, living in Epsom, wouldn't you?
02:38Look, what do you want?
02:39I want a bit of what they want.
02:41A little bit of service.
02:42I'm going on holiday, ain't I?
02:43You don't remember me, do you?
02:45Should I?
02:45You should.
02:46You took my bleeding deposit quick enough.
02:49You put me in.
02:50Uh, stepped up.
02:52I've come to part of the balance.
02:53Stepped up?
02:54Harold.
02:55Excuse me.
03:01Yes.
03:01I've got my arse and cart on the meat outside.
03:07Stand.
03:09Stand.
03:09Could you get a wiggle on, please?
03:11Step two.
03:12Step two.
03:14Ah, yes.
03:15Yes, step two.
03:17Oh, dear.
03:17Is this right, Hotel Miramar?
03:27Yeah, that's right.
03:28Hotel Miramar, quite a little after.
03:31Uh, double room, with bath and balcony.
03:33Ten days, including Christmas.
03:36Yes, that's quite right.
03:37Uh, unfortunately, there has been a slight change of plan.
03:41Oh, you can't go.
03:42You want to cancel.
03:42No.
03:43That's perfectly all right, sir.
03:43No, no, no.
03:44I shall be going, but unfortunately, I shall be going on my own.
03:49But you will notice that I had originally booked for a young lady friend and myself.
03:54Yes.
03:54Well, regretfully, I found out this morning that the said young lady in question has decided
04:01to give me the elbow.
04:04I shall keep the same room.
04:06No doubt I shall pick up something out there.
04:08Excuse me.
04:11Eh?
04:12Did I hear you say you'll be staying at the Hotel Miramar, Quetta de Villata?
04:16Yes, that's right.
04:17Are you coming here as well?
04:19Uh, yes, yes.
04:20Ah, that is marvellous.
04:22My name's, uh, Stepsup.
04:28I'm in room 23.
04:30What room are you in?
04:3224.
04:34Good news.
04:35We'll be able to have breakfast on the balcony together.
04:38Oh, yeah, I don't think I, I, I, I just don't care about that.
04:40Oh, don't worry.
04:41I do wear pyjamas.
04:43On holiday.
04:45I do assure you.
04:47I mean, when that's during these Spanish hotels, you never know when they're going to fall
04:50down, do you?
04:53I mean, it wouldn't do it if you'd be dug out of the rubble in the nudie, would it?
05:00Usted habla espanol?
05:02Si, poco.
05:04Oh, moi.
05:04Oh, si.
05:05You're taking lessons from the Shepard's Bush Adult First Education Institute.
05:12I, he's excellent teacher.
05:14Uh, he's Pakistani.
05:16This ain't too hot.
05:18But he's Spanish.
05:19He's muy excelente.
05:21He, uh, he was first row to shore in Barcelona.
05:25I think that explains it.
05:27See, he thought he was in Dungeneta.
05:30Poor Dad.
05:31I really must pay my bill.
05:33I mean, I don't like to keep the horse waiting unless she gets a bit impatient.
05:36They wouldn't do it if they'd have her kick some parking warden out of the black hole of
05:39Galcatra, would they?
05:40Oh, dear.
05:46How much do I owe you, please?
05:48That's, uh, 98 pounds to pay.
05:50Oh, very reasonable.
05:52This is going to be the best Christmas I've ever spent.
05:55Especially, now, I'm going to be amongst friends.
05:58Oh, I must apologise for the condition, dearie.
06:06I've passed through some very mucky hands in my business.
06:10Not, not everyone's as particular as what I am.
06:12I'm sure I am.
06:14Well, would you, would you do it, please?
06:20Oh.
06:22Oh.
06:22Oh.
06:22Oh.
06:22Oh.
06:22Oh.
06:23Oh.
06:23Oh.
06:23Oh.
06:23Oh.
06:24Oh.
06:24Oh.
06:25Oh.
06:25Oh.
06:26Oh.
06:26Oh.
06:27Oh.
06:27Oh.
06:28Oh.
06:28Oh.
06:28Oh.
06:29I've got some more here, some way.
06:31Oh.
06:31Oh.
06:31Oh.
06:31Oh.
06:32Oh.
06:33Oh.
06:33Oh.
06:33Oh.
06:33Oh.
06:33Oh.
06:39Oh, my God.
06:41Uh, it's, it's my lunch.
06:43If I take these, I'm the old man of gold putty.
06:46Look, bang them in the white paper basket for me, will you?
06:48Unless, of course, you would care to partake.
06:52It's Polish sausage.
06:54It's a bit chewy, but very nourishing.
06:57Thank you, no.
06:59Oh.
07:00One too many.
07:01Oh, no, no.
07:01You keep that.
07:02You've been most helpful, squaw.
07:04You're most kind.
07:06Your tickets.
07:08Well, I shall bid you adios, mon braves.
07:12Oh, I shall look forward to seeing you in Poeta Topoleta.
07:15Yeah, perhaps we might meet on the plane.
07:17I shall save you a couple of seats.
07:19Go on, have them for your tea.
07:21It's a pity to waste them.
07:22Certainly proud.
07:23Well, I shall look forward to the honour of having a knees up with you on Christmas Day.
07:29We'll show these Spaniards out of dance, won't we, huh?
07:32Ha, ha, ha, ha.
07:33You know what?
07:34I'm coming.
07:35Ha, ha, ha.
07:36Ha, ha, ha.
07:37Oh.
07:38Via...
07:39Con...
07:40Oh, shut up, you pricey, hungry, gutted pillock!
07:46We've changed our minds.
07:47I think we'll go to Bournemouth instead.
07:52I can't say I blame you.
08:01Enoch's dreaming of a white Christmas.
08:05Just like the ones they used to know
08:14Don't you do it?
08:17Bum da dun da da
08:22Na ta
08:23Na ta ta
08:24Da da da da
08:30He sneek, ha, ha, ha, ha
08:33Very nice, very nice.
09:03A bit shiny, but thirsty.
09:10Take a look at the ollie wreath.
09:18That's it.
09:23Oh, God.
09:30I'll leave it there and hang it up later.
09:37There they are.
09:44There they are.
09:59John Gregson.
10:01I think that's the lot.
10:08Just the tree, and that's it.
10:10You must think about getting a new one next year.
10:25Still, save sweeping up the floor after.
10:29Let's see what we've got here.
10:38Oh, blimey.
10:39You look like you should see more Christmas than I have, doll.
10:44Well, there you go.
10:47Yeah.
10:49There you are.
10:51Your first common market Christmas.
10:53Good, isn't it?
10:55We remember the bad old days, don't we, you and me?
10:58Yeah.
10:59Bleeding sight better than they are now.
11:01Do you remember your first Christmas?
11:061932.
11:08Harold was only six months old then.
11:10Yeah, I gave you to him.
11:12Do you remember he kept gurgling and pointing up at you?
11:16So I lifted him up and he stretched out his chubby little fist,
11:20grabbed all of you and pulled your leg off.
11:25We never did find that either.
11:28I think he must have ate it.
11:30We've watched him grow up together, you and me, haven't we?
11:33From that little baby boy into what he is now.
11:37A bleeding disappointment.
11:39You've seen a lot of Christmases stuck up there, haven't you?
11:46Good ones and bad ones.
11:49Do you remember 1936?
11:51That was the year his mother was took from us.
11:54Very sudden that was, two days before Christmas.
11:57And I'd bought a Christmas present already, so that was wasted.
12:04Miserable Christmases we've had since then.
12:07Miserable.
12:10Except 1940, that was a good one.
12:12Except for the Blitz.
12:13Still, if it hadn't been for the Blitz,
12:16I wouldn't have had that ATS girl from the Ballads Balloon site billeted on me.
12:21Now what was her name?
12:23Yeah.
12:24Annie McFadden.
12:27You didn't see much of me that Christmas, did you?
12:31Of course, she was a big girl, she was.
12:34If they'd stuck her up on the end of a cable, she would have brought down half the Luftwaffe.
12:40And do you remember we was nearly killed in the Blitz that Christmas, Harold and me?
12:44When she thought it was a bomb coming over and she threw herself on top of us.
12:47If it hadn't been for the rationing I would have married her.
12:54Still, never mind, I've still got Harold.
12:58He always spends Christmas with me, he's a good boy that way.
13:01I couldn't bear Christmas on me own, not at my age.
13:06Yeah, I've a lot to be thankful for.
13:10Now, let's have a look at you.
13:12Yeah, very nice.
13:15Well, he'll be coming home in a minute.
13:17I'd better go and switch the yard light on.
13:19Now, Harold, is that you, Harold?
13:34Where are you?
13:36Harold!
13:37I'm sorry, Harold.
13:51Harold, you didn't?
13:53Yes, I did!
13:55From a height of two feet!
13:58Part of the decorations.
14:00So am I now!
14:02What do you want to leave it on the seat for?
14:04I forgot, I was going to put it on the wall.
14:07Are you in pain?
14:09Of course I'm in pain!
14:11Wouldn't you be in pain with a bum full of perforation?
14:16Oh, never mind.
14:19You go into the house and I'll fill a basin full of hot water and put a sprig of mint in it and it can sit in it.
14:25Don't leave me alone!
14:28I've finished the decorations, they look very nice, I think you'd be pleased with them.
14:32I wanted to have a walk with you.
14:34I haven't blown up the balloons.
14:35I'll leave that to you.
14:37I can't manage.
14:39Me lungs ain't what they used to be.
14:42I can't even inflate the little tits on the ends of the sausage ones.
14:47We have to have balloons.
14:49I mean, Christmas wouldn't be Christmas without balloons, would it?
14:52Is that something I want to tell you?
14:54Now, here you are.
14:55What do you think?
14:57Oh, yes.
15:00Oh, very nice.
15:01They're very colourful.
15:03Yeah.
15:04Dolly looks nice on top of the tree, don't she?
15:07Yes, yes, she does.
15:09She's lasting well, isn't she?
15:1041 years.
15:12Wouldn't be the same without her, would it?
15:14Uh, look, Dad, I wanted to have a word with you about Christmas.
15:18About Christmas.
15:19Oh, yeah, we've still got a lot to do.
15:20We'd better get organised.
15:22I haven't ordered the turkey.
15:23They're too dear yet.
15:24I thought I'd go down to the market on Christmas Eve and pick one up at the auction.
15:28Yeah, look, Dad, before you go on, I'll do it.
15:33I, uh, I left the vegetables to you.
15:35I can't hunt them around, not with my back.
15:37You can put them on the cart.
15:38And I've got a tin of biscuits and fruit I've ordered.
15:42And, um, a big box of dates, cos I know you like dates.
15:47And I've got the crackers already, look.
15:50Good ones, these.
15:51Good presents in them.
15:52Little whistles.
15:53And then things you move about trying to get the balls into the little holes.
15:59You like them, don't you?
16:01You're always playing with them.
16:03Oh, please, sit down, I want one.
16:05Sit down, I want one.
16:06The booze.
16:07I was thinking of what we've got there.
16:09And I thought we'd order a crate of light ale and a crate of brown ale
16:12and a crate of Tom Thumb, bottle of Tom Thumb,
16:15and a bottle of, uh, Gold Walsh
16:18and a bottle of beer and linen in case the vicar comes.
16:21Do you want some wine?
16:22Dad, please.
16:23Because they're knocking off some Dago Red down at the supermarket.
16:2781p a litre.
16:29I don't know whether that's the cost of the effect it has on you.
16:31And I just put the oven on and put the puddings in to boil.
16:37Can you smell them?
16:38Yes, yes, they smell wonderful.
16:40They're nice and dark, they are.
16:43Black as a gorilla's ghoulies.
16:47And I put a half a quid's worth of your sixpences in there.
16:51Make sure you get one this year.
16:53Now, the point is, do you want mince pies?
16:55Dad, I won't be here.
16:56Because if you do, I'm not going to bother making them on Christmas Day.
17:01You'll have to tell me...
17:03What did you say?
17:04I said, I won't be here.
17:05Of course you'll be here. It's Christmas.
17:08No. I'm going away this Christmas.
17:10Going away?
17:11Yes.
17:12Where?
17:13Poeta de volata.
17:14Where the bled knows that?
17:15Majorca.
17:17Majorca.
17:18We don't want to go to Majorca.
17:20I didn't say we.
17:21I said me.
17:22I'm going on my own.
17:23On...on your own?
17:26Yeah.
17:28Without me?
17:29Yeah.
17:30Without me?
17:31Without you.
17:33On your own?
17:34On my own.
17:40I should have told you before, but I wasn't sure when I could raise sufficient conkers.
17:44Well, this morning, I managed to pay off the balance, so I'm off.
17:49I don't understand, Harold.
17:51You always spend Christmas with me here, just the two of us together.
17:55I know. That's why I'm going to Majorca on my own.
18:02I'm going to be perfectly honest, Dad.
18:05I cannot spend another Christmas stuck in this rattle with you.
18:10Over 40 years I've done it. Year after year after year.
18:13And if I asked to do another one, that's what goes start-raving bonkers.
18:17I thought you enjoyed it.
18:18How can you say that?
18:19We don't enjoy it.
18:20We never enjoy it.
18:21I enjoy it.
18:22Liar!
18:23You just enjoy seeing me being miserable.
18:25It's the same thing every year.
18:26We go through the same ritual every year.
18:29I sit in that chair for three solid days with a daft paper hat stuck on my head.
18:34Watching you sit in front of the goggle box with walnut shells, tangerine skins and fag ash piling up round your boots.
18:42I swear blind, if it wasn't for the occasional calls of nature, you'd be buried alive by a boxing day.
18:48I mean, it's soul-destroying, Dad.
18:52I just can't stand it any longer.
18:54I didn't realise you felt like that.
18:57Well, you should do.
18:58I tell you every year.
19:00I mean, you don't listen, do you?
19:02Just sat there chomping on your nuts all day.
19:05I tell you, I'm full blush.
19:07You don't hear anything, do you?
19:09It's not like that all day.
19:11What about the present-giving?
19:12That's a nice part of the day.
19:14Yes, it is.
19:15I agree.
19:16It is.
19:17I agree.
19:18All of 30 seconds that takes up.
19:21It's yours.
19:22Where's mine?
19:23Go on, open it, Harold.
19:26Oh, there.
19:27Just what I wanted.
19:29Three handkerchiefs and a pair of white fronts.
19:32How did you know?
19:34I don't know.
19:36Cos that's what I always get.
19:38I've had three handkerchiefs and a pair of white fronts for the past 25 years.
19:43You're getting very cynical, Harold.
19:45You never used to be like that.
19:47It's not the present.
19:48It's the thought that counts.
19:50Oh, yes, I know.
19:51Look, I'm not knocking the presents.
19:52It's just I've got to get away this year.
19:54I mean, God blimey.
19:55I spent 51 weeks of a year with you.
19:58Surely you don't begrudge me ten days.
20:00Ten days?
20:01You're gone for ten days?
20:02I don't know much point going all that way just for Christmas dinner, is it?
20:07Well, you've got yourself all sorted out, have you?
20:10Yeah.
20:11I suppose there's too much to expect that you'd thought of what I'm going to do.
20:15Ah, well, that's where you're wrong, see.
20:17Because I've got you all sorted out.
20:18That was the first thing I thought of.
20:20Now, I have had a word with the vicar.
20:24Oh, God.
20:25He's throwing his old people's annual Christmas dinner down the church hall.
20:30And he says he will be delighted to see you, dear.
20:33Providing...
20:34Providing what?
20:35Providing you do not get Brahms and Liszt.
20:38Do not shock all those sweet old ladies with your daddy's stories and your foul language.
20:44I mean, the vicar ain't forgotten the way you've done up his crossword puzzle.
20:49He doesn't know what time of day it is, he doesn't.
20:52Some of them sweet old ladies worked down at the pickle factory in the fish market when they was girls.
20:59I was four years in the trenches and I never heard words like they used.
21:03It's like a stoker's reunion down them Whistler's some nights.
21:07Ah, don't be stubborn. He's booked your place.
21:10Now, there's your ticket.
21:11Now, this entitles you to a free course dinner, an apple, an orange and an ounce of tobacco.
21:17And you can see the conjurer afterwards.
21:22I'm not going.
21:24The mayor's going to be there.
21:26Oh, how exciting.
21:28He'll turn up in his rolls.
21:29Hello, how are you? On to the next one before he gets an answer.
21:32Oh, that looks nice.
21:34I'm sure you're going to enjoy that. He won't have any, though.
21:37He'll only stay long after his fruity in the local paper, him and his missus carving the turkey.
21:42He'll cut one slice and then off. He won't spears backside for dust.
21:48God, you're talking about me being cynical. I mean, it won't be like that at all.
21:53You should be grateful.
21:56Go on.
21:57Take the ticket.
21:59Go.
22:00Keep the ticket.
22:01Stick it in the car, see.
22:03With the wrapping paper.
22:05And they can stuff their Christmas dinner. I ain't going.
22:08I've got me own home and me own food and me own son.
22:13I won't be here.
22:14And I won't be there.
22:15Why not?
22:16Because I won't.
22:17Oh, give me a reason. Give me one good reason.
22:18No.
22:19Oh, give me one.
22:20No, I won't.
22:21Yes, I won't.
22:22Yes, I have.
22:23Then let's hear it!
22:24I don't want to embarrass you.
22:27Then what's that supposed to mean?
22:29Well, if you can't see, it's no use talking about it.
22:32But you can't just say that and finish the argument.
22:35All right, then.
22:36It's for old people, isn't it?
22:38People with nowhere to go, with no-one to look after them.
22:41They all know about you down there.
22:42They'll start asking questions.
22:44Hello?
22:45Where's Harold?
22:46Oh, he's gone to Mallorca to enjoy himself and left you all alone, are you poor?
22:50Well, I'm not having that.
22:51I happen to be proud of you and I'm not having them talking like that about you.
22:55No, it'd be better if I just stay here by myself and then they won't know.
23:01You can't stay here by yourself.
23:03Well, no option, have I?
23:04Oh, don't you worry.
23:05I'll be all right.
23:06There'll be plenty to do.
23:07I'll go down to the cemetery and sit with your mother.
23:10Then I come back, have me little bit of dinner, pull a cracker with myself, put on a paper
23:20hat and watch the telly.
23:22It'll only be for one day.
23:24I'll be in bed for the rest of the time.
23:35You make it very easy, don't you?
23:38It don't really matter.
23:40It'll probably be my last Christmas here anyway.
23:42I've been saying that since 1955.
23:46Then you'll be able to go to Mallorca every year, won't you?
23:50Yeah, well, I ain't gone and never have you.
23:52I don't particularly want to stay here at another Christmas, not without your mother.
23:57I'm getting very tired these days.
24:00I only keep going to order to look after you and I really don't want me.
24:06I just as well turn it in and go up and join her.
24:12You're going to join her now?
24:16I'm going to bed.
24:18How are you stopping down here?
24:20You'll want to be getting on with your packing, won't you?
24:22You won't want me under your feet.
24:26With a bit of luck, I won't even bother you this Christmas either.
24:29Oh, yeah.
24:30As you're not staying, you might as well have your Christmas present now.
24:43Merry Christmas, son.
24:48Thank you, dear.
25:00Three handkerchiefs and a pair of white front.
25:05That's what I wanted.
25:08Really.
25:11I haven't got yours yet.
25:13Well, if I'm still here in the morning, you can give it to me then.
25:18Good night, son.
25:23Oi.
25:24What's that?
25:26What?
25:27Dulls.
25:29Pills.
25:30Oh, just something the doctor gave me.
25:33What fault?
25:34Nothing.
25:35Nothing.
25:36Oh.
25:41Good night, son.
25:48What?
25:49What?
25:50What?
25:51What?
25:52What?
25:53What?
25:54What?
25:55What?
25:56What?
25:57What?
25:58What?
25:59Oh, no, son.
26:00You mustn't stay in on my account.
26:01That's all right.
26:02I never expected to go.
26:03Not really.
26:04I knew I wouldn't be going.
26:05When I booked it.
26:06When I chose the hotel.
26:07When I booked it.
26:08When I chose the hotel.
26:12When I gave him the money.
26:13When he'd give me the ticket.
26:14I knew I'd be staying.
26:15What?
26:16What?
26:17What?
26:18What?
26:19What?
26:20What?
26:21What?
26:22What?
26:23What?
26:24What?
26:25What?
26:26What?
26:27What?
26:28What?
26:29What
26:30what?
26:30What?
26:31Deep, what?
26:32What?
26:33What?
26:34What?
26:35What?
26:36What?
26:37What?
26:38What?
26:39What?
26:40What?
26:41What?
26:44Is that arone of this?
26:45Well, in a row in the car?
26:47Isn't that a log in aatch?
26:48I never as fast as a goal?
26:50I've ever?
26:51A road?
26:51What?
26:52I knew that I wouldn't be staying?
26:54that's all i'm stopping here
27:00i'll tell you one thing i'm not stopping here just with you
27:06i i'm gonna cash in my tickets i'm gonna blow it on the biggest party that's ever been seen in
27:13this house i'm gonna invite everybody all my friends all of the neighbors just so long as
27:20we don't have to be alone yes and i understand i think i'd better go and see how them puddings is
27:26getting along now with british airways take an earth shrinker to any part of the world
27:41oh if my world shrinks anymore
27:50i'll disappear up the back of these
28:01oh oh oh oh oh oh oh yes that's it that's more like it that's much better what have you got there
28:14the christmas fair mate
28:19a goose
28:19a turkey
28:28oh i thought i'd wrestle with it all the way
28:31another two turkeys and a york cab here you are mate
28:35get stuffing
28:39that's too much for a dozen people that's just to sit down dinner mate then there's the evening trade
28:45there's another 20 coming in the evening then there's boxing day there's another 40 coming
28:49down after the skinner's arms closed this is going to be a free day fresh mate
28:58now i've got two dozen loaves coming a gross of sausage rolls 14 jars of pickles and a 28 pound
29:06wheel of cheddar and a new set of rods for the drains
29:09you never stand after that sort of traffic ah don't you worry mate i've talked about that
29:16that's why i invited basil from the caravan site he's going to set up two kemi cars is in the yard
29:23with a canvas windbreak around them
29:25you don't need them all right
29:29you know that this is the first christmas here i've ever really looked forward to
29:34i've got a good time this year
29:36well i'm not i don't like having a house full of people
29:40well let's spend it together on our own you don't have to stay here i told you if you won't
29:46go down to help people's home i'm quite prepared to set you up a nice little table all of your home
29:50out in the yard i'll send you dinner out there you can stick in this table pulling crackers with
29:56the horse it's not like being a funny paperette yeah waste of money well well it's my money it's my
30:03holiday money i'm gonna cost you a tosh of room if i wish to invite my friends that is entirely up to
30:08me exactly your friends none of mine's is coming well you ain't got any have you all of my friends
30:14was killed in the trenches yeah going over the top so i'll get away from you
30:21yeah that war's been over 55 years you should have made some more friends since then you will find as
30:27you go through life that you don't make many friends not real friends count yourself lucky if
30:32you get one or two oh then that's coming tomorrow night they're not friends mate they're scroungers they're
30:38only coming to free me and the booze up that's not true they are friends look 55 cards i've had this
30:46morning exactly nothing until you invited them now how many have you had come on how many
30:51eight sixteen seventy hundred and five no one one and who was that from the scrap metal association
31:03haven't you had mine yet no i sent you one i did i won't forget to send you a christmas card
31:10probably come two days after christmas like it did last year one of your old ones with the writing
31:16rubbed out i'll tell you i sent one that was a funny one had a picture of the horse on the front
31:23and when you opened it a cut out of a great big pile of manure springs right out
31:29very seasonal that's got a lot to do with our lord's birthday hasn't it oh well if you're going to
31:36bring religion into christmas i'll take it you will be wearing evidence at the midnight mess tonight
31:43might do love this you ain't seen the inside of that church since 1940 when you fell through the
31:49roof with half under the weight of lead stuffed up your shirt that's not true i was fire watching
31:56you could have been shot for looting i'll never forget the disgrace of that that's cool the headmaster
32:02pointed me out there is the boy whose father has had to turn in his arp helmet
32:09the rotten sadistic swiney one i'm sorry harold i didn't know about that but why do you think
32:19they chalk the swastikas on the front guy i thought that was because we was the only ones that weren't
32:25bombed out people get very funny during wartime yeah that daft silly little mustache you used to wear
32:32didn't know i had it before him yeah there's one to vote of us go on you can have that one yeah you
32:41put it with yours yeah you got two now one and a half well when mine comes you'll have two and a half
32:49i'll stop moaning you've never had so many before now come on let's sort out of sitting arrangements
32:55uh there's uh five birds coming to dinner which one do i sit next to i don't care all right you're
33:04sat there mr albert steptoe now how about miss sheila fig on your right and miss elsie harmer on your
33:12lift what's wrong with that i'd sooner sit next to the horse very nice girls i'm not gonna get much grub
33:20sitting next to elsie harmer am i blimey she's bigger than that good ats girl during the war a 28
33:28pound bird on the table and an 18 stone bird sitting next to me i won't have to bother with carving with
33:34her around yeah that's true do you remember the way she ripped that side of beef to pieces on guy
33:41fork tonight with her bare hands the life out of me i thought you liked her she fantasies you yeah
33:50oh she does she told me she likes little blokes because they can't struggle so much
33:58get her away from me she can go there who else is coming uh joyce uh beryl and her mind i love joyce
34:06me no you want mine mine you don't want two i told you i'm going to enjoy this christmas i like to
34:15keep one in reserve in case the other one flakes out here you are come on uh you you can have the
34:22money then eh and and sheila fig i don't know them well they're all right but you got to be a bit
34:28careful keep your hands above the table because chris and arthur fencing them well scrub out chris and
34:35arthur then i can't they're bringing them i can see me getting lumbered with gargantuan
34:41don't worry if i see her carrying you upstairs i shall blow the whistle
34:47now then what else did you remember to cut up the fruit for the punch yeah it's in the punch bowl
34:53well go and bring it in we'll make it tonight we'll give it a chance to ferment right what this
34:58little lot will make their eyes water well i don't enjoy myself this year it won't be through
35:04want to try
35:15what's it
35:18i told you to buy a punch bowl i waste the money when we had this it's big enough
35:24i am not making my fruit sangria in a bowl
35:36it's never been used it's been used or not well i do actually
35:41beside the point i mean it is the principle of the thing
35:44i mean it's going to look very choice ladling the stuff out of there isn't it
35:50hermoney won't reckon it for a start she's a young conservative
35:54what's that got to do with it well they're dudes they don't normally serve their punch out of a china
35:59pole they use this silver or glass i don't think we have a glass bowl
36:05a glass punch bowl no i haven't got one here you can chirp the goldfish out of his bowl and put it in
36:14there where we go put him bring him in there you are not banging my goldfish in there charlie likes
36:21to see where he's going and god blimey don't have much of a life as it is he likes to have a look out
36:27now and again he can look up can't he for three days he'll get a stiff neck honestly you know nothing
36:35about biscottorial anatomy do you it's up to you you pays your money and you takes your choice
36:43well i suppose i could tell him it's an imported novelty from howards yeah that's right now come on
36:48bang the booze in all right i'll take a chance
36:51that's not very much i ain't finished yet a little gin
37:09a slip song of grape brandy
37:11just a hint of vodka
37:24a fret of whiskey
37:31lemon squash
37:41a
37:46a
37:48a
37:48a
37:56a
37:58Is it all right?
38:23All right, is it all right?
38:25Oh, a powerful net in the reservoir, and we could paralyse the Isle of South London.
38:35Right on tomorrow afternoon.
38:39Yeah, that's all. You get the bird stuff, then put one in the oven.
38:43And before you say anything vulgar, I'm referring to the dinner.
38:49Do the goose first. It'll take the longest.
38:53And I'll leave your rubber glove in it like you did last night.
39:01Did you?
39:02No, we'll look up in.
39:08By the cup of tea.
39:10Lay down this sweet hand.
39:12Of a cackle allowing.
39:15In a field's wedding.
39:19To date,
39:20with
39:22love.
39:24Love!
39:24today
39:29wishing
39:31you
39:32a merry Christmas
39:35ain't
39:37many
39:38of them
39:40now
39:42today
39:54from Harold
40:01what a glorious
40:08smell
40:10oh
40:11come on dad
40:13it's Christmas morning
40:15come on
40:19stop stinking in that pit we've got work to do
40:22jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle on the way
40:25might as well start us with me to go on
40:27don't worry I'll be here soon
40:30good morning father
40:35a very merry Christmas to you
40:37I would like to say that I'm sorry
40:39for all the rotten, vicious, nasty
40:42things
40:43that I've said to you
40:45in the past year
40:47what's your game?
40:49what's all that on your face?
40:55it's all up me legs as well
40:57all up me arms and across me belly
40:59and right round me
41:00what is it?
41:02I think I've got chicken pox
41:04chicken pox?
41:07you can't have
41:09you can't have chicken pox
41:11there can't be chicken pox
41:14chicken pox
41:16chicken pox
41:17chicken pox
41:23C
41:24C
41:25CAA
41:26cholera
41:29catalepsy
41:32chicken pox
41:35the patient
41:37is flushed with vesicles all over his
41:39and his body temper
41:41temper
41:42they've got spots underneath his neck
41:50you've got chicken pox
41:51you can't have chicken pox are you alright?
41:55I've never had it before
41:56why not you silly great
41:58you can't have chicken pox we're having a party
42:02there can't be chicken pox
42:04everyone's had chicken pox
42:06I mean everyone's had chicken pox
42:08you haven't
42:09I must have done
42:11I mean surely
42:12well when I was little
42:13I mean nobody can get chicken pox at all
42:16it's ridiculous
42:17we've got people coming
42:19you have to go out in the stable
42:21and stay there
42:22if the horse catches it
42:23well it's hard luck
42:25you have to stay there
42:27I won't mention it
42:28I won't talk about it to anyone
42:30I won't say a word
42:31I'll say you've gone away
42:33you've gone away
42:34you can't stay in here
42:35you're contagious
42:36get up
42:37I'll put on my belly
42:38it's half ailment
42:39and a pair of gloves
42:40and I'll cover my face over with flour
42:43you're not stinking little
43:00get up
43:01you give it me now
43:06you deliberately give me chicken pox
43:09you've done it on purpose
43:10you've done it on purpose
43:11I didn't know Errol
43:12I'll kill you
43:14you'll get better
43:15I will kill you
43:18to the wrong life
43:19they can't come in
43:20we'd both go out into the stable
43:22I'm not spending Christmas in a stable
43:24Jesus did
43:25well his dad didn't have chicken pox did he
43:32hello
43:33here
43:35there he is
43:37come on Errol
43:39open up
43:40we've got a slight problem
43:42hello
43:43he's started playing games already
43:45this is going to be good
43:47come on Errol
43:49open up
43:50I've got something for you
43:53there's been a slight technical hitch
43:56how many of you have had chicken pox
43:58chicken what?
43:59we've got chicken pox
44:02we thought you had turkey
44:04no
44:06no no no
44:07I'm serious
44:08we've got chicken pox
44:09me and my dead
44:10alright then
44:11well who's that chicken pox
44:12who's that
44:13I don't know
44:14I don't know
44:15well I'm not sure
44:16I don't know
44:17I'll have to ask my mum
44:18if you've had it
44:19I think it's alright for you to come in
44:21no no
44:22I'm not going in there
44:23you've come out from the spot
44:25hey
44:27what are we going to do there
44:28I can't hear you
44:30I'll come out
44:31no no
44:32listen Errol
44:33don't worry
44:34we'll be alright
44:35here
44:36I know what
44:37let's go round my mum
44:38she won't mind
44:39come on
44:40oh
44:41oh
44:42oh
44:43oh
44:44oh
44:45oh
44:46oh
44:47oh
44:48oh
44:50oh
44:51oh
44:52oh
44:53oh
44:54oh
44:55oh
44:56oh
44:57oh
44:58oh
44:59oh
45:00oh
45:01oh
45:02oh
45:03oh
45:04oh
45:05oh
45:06oh
45:07oh
45:08oh
45:09oh
45:10oh
45:11oh
45:12oh
45:13oh
45:14oh
45:15oh
45:16oh
45:17oh
45:18oh
45:19oh
45:20oh
45:21oh
45:22oh
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