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James May's Shed Load of Ideas Season 1 Episode 3
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Short filmTranscript
00:00Hello.
00:05These days I spend more and more time in my Wiltshire home.
00:12And the pub I own.
00:14Thinking about all the big problems in the world.
00:17And some smaller ones that annoy me.
00:21Luckily there's a place I can go to solve them all.
00:25Or at least try.
00:28I shed.
00:30Right.
00:31It's here that I have the tools.
00:33Let's just saw some wood up.
00:35The tea.
00:37And a couple of other highly competent blokes.
00:41Very good. Brace yourselves.
00:43Who've agreed to help me rid the world of problems.
00:46Is she getting the ticket out?
00:47Great.
00:48Dirty flight at us.
00:50And small.
00:51The cereal has gone soggy.
00:53I'll also have to take on other people's problems.
00:56What is wrong with Peter?
00:57He used to make a sound and now he doesn't.
01:00By which I mean the locals at my pub.
01:02Who are always bringing me stuff to mend.
01:04Is it a train set?
01:06So join us and our excitable crew.
01:11Who will capture our endeavours.
01:14That was epic.
01:16As we create.
01:17Make.
01:18That feels like a terrible thing we've just done.
01:22Repair.
01:23So it's never worked.
01:24Not in my lifetime.
01:25And repurpose.
01:26And repurpose.
01:27Whoa.
01:28Whoa.
01:29In my shed load of ideas.
01:33What do you think?
01:34This is just brilliant.
01:35Here in Wiltshire I have time to reflect on those issues that concern us all.
01:49Such as how to preserve this beautiful landscape.
01:52The muse of England's poets and artists.
01:57The rustling hedgerow.
01:59The delightful babbling brook and the abject weeping willow.
02:04The heart of the idyll that nestles in the breast of every English man and woman.
02:09Oh and the fly tipping site.
02:11The blight of town and country alike.
02:14These people disgust me.
02:17There are over a million fly tipping incidents reported in the UK each year.
02:22And they cost local authorities hundreds of millions of pounds to tidy up.
02:28It's a huge problem.
02:30But no problem is too huge for me and my two very handy right hand men.
02:35My trusty engineer Sim with his big ideas.
02:38Some kind of pivot from this point anywhere between here and here.
02:43And my ever ready carpenter Tony the tool.
02:47Don't worry I'll just do everything over here.
02:50We'll carry on chatting.
02:51And so to my large and well equipped workshop where the very practical magic happens.
02:59So we've decided that our revenge on fly tippers should be poetic.
03:04It is a fly trap or a fly tipper trap.
03:07If you like taking our inspiration from good old school fly paper.
03:12Which is this stuff.
03:13It's really like a very big piece of sticky paper.
03:16And you hang it up in your house.
03:17Flies fly into it because they're stupid.
03:19Their brains are absolutely minute.
03:21And they stick to it.
03:23Ha!
03:24And that's the end of them.
03:25So we want to do something similar but that acts on human beings.
03:29Which mean...
03:30Oh God.
03:31Which means we need a sticky substance that will trap them.
03:37We'll leave Simmy to search for something sticky enough to catch our human flies.
03:41As Tony and I move next door to start work on the actual trap.
03:46Now we have to devise the trap itself.
03:49How it will be...
03:50What would the trendy would be delivered?
03:52It's Tony's idea so Tony will explain.
03:57Collapsible cattle grid.
03:59Oh!
04:00So we take a sheet of eight by four.
04:02Yes.
04:03We build a frame around it.
04:06Two supports.
04:08All our sticky stuff in the middle here.
04:11Mm-hmm.
04:12Box section.
04:13Forming a grid.
04:16Holes.
04:18Attach by string.
04:20Go into two pulleys.
04:24And go that way to a single pulley.
04:28With a mechanism that pulls and collapses.
04:31Why is the cattle grid there?
04:32Is there a gate?
04:33To stop cattle.
04:34No, I know what it does.
04:36But it's not...
04:37Yes, so it's a gate.
04:38Usually you dump it.
04:40Usually I've heard people who dump things.
04:42Dump it in a field.
04:44So the van pulls up.
04:46People get out with the sofa, say.
04:47And they walk across the cattle grid.
04:49Which is positioned in front of a gate.
04:51And therefore is perfectly normal.
04:53Because you get cattle grids in front of gates.
04:56They throw the sofa into the fly tipping area.
04:59And it triggers a weighted mechanism.
05:02We haven't quite worked that bit out yet, have we?
05:03Which, through this pulley system, concertinas the cattle grid like a Venetian blind, exposing the sticky stuff.
05:13The panicking fly tippers run back to their van through here and are stuck like flies on flypaper.
05:19That's basically it, isn't it?
05:21Easy.
05:23Right, so should we put this on the floor and do a bit of spacing out?
05:26Yeah.
05:30Let's just rough it out.
05:32Tony and I start laying out the steel rods that will eventually become our cattle grid.
05:36How far apart are the rails of a cattle grid?
05:40Does it depend on what sort of animals you've got?
05:42Because cows have got bigger paws than sheep, haven't they?
05:46Obviously, if you're making one for an elephant, you could make them a little bit further apart.
05:53Right, the dilemma is we have to balance authenticity, i.e. the spacing of the rails on the cattle grid,
05:59with the requirements of the mechanism, because it's got to pull all these together over here.
06:06It's quite a weight, isn't it? It's a lot of steel.
06:09I think that gap is too big, but it could be bigger than that one,
06:12which it will be when they're evenly spaced, so there's no getting around this, Tony.
06:15We're going to have to do a bit of arithmetic.
06:18So, for our 1,220mm wide cattle grid,
06:22we're going to need 10 bars, 107.7mm apart.
06:27Yes, this is an exact science.
06:30Oh, well, our arithmetic is spot on.
06:34Well, nearly.
06:36Nearly.
06:39OK, that's our cattle grid, correctly spaced out.
06:45Come in with the sofa.
06:48Yes, I think that's...
06:49You'd walk across it carefully, cos there's a cattle grid,
06:51cos you tend to walk carefully across a cattle grid.
06:54I think, yes, I think we'll get away with that.
06:58Let's mark out the board with the exact positions of our roofing battens.
07:04We can fix those in place.
07:06Mm-hm.
07:07And go from there.
07:10Right, so the concept looks good.
07:12We've just got to make the thing now.
07:15First, Tony and I construct the wooden base frame,
07:18keeping a close eye on our maths.
07:23Then we need a bit of help from Simi to cut the steel rods,
07:26so that Tony and I can drill very precise holes into them,
07:30which we'll thread rope through to collapse the grid,
07:33as long as we can keep up with Simi's exacting standards.
07:36That's to put the hole in the middle, right?
07:39I mean, look at that!
07:40How in the middle is that?
07:42All is proceeding at pace until...
07:46The problem is...
07:48Well, there's no easy way of putting this.
07:49It's Tony.
07:52Sim has spotted that the board isn't perfectly square.
07:56It's just I didn't cut the factory edge off, cos we were rushing!
07:59I'll just re-cut these.
08:011,790, then.
08:03Or thereabouts.
08:05Thank you, Simi.
08:06And once you've squared off our mistakes,
08:08Tony and I thread the poles together with rope,
08:11which will make this cattle grid collapsible.
08:14Ow!
08:15What have you done to that?
08:17We're going to have to flame it again.
08:19And finally, we get to see if our cunning concertina plan actually works.
08:25In three, two, one...
08:29Oh, ha!
08:30Oh, that works!
08:31It's beauty!
08:32It doesn't need that much force, either.
08:34Collapsible cattle grid success,
08:36but we still need to find some really sticky stuff to fill it with.
08:40We also have to drill all the remaining pieces,
08:43devise the weighted mechanism that will close this,
08:46and we have to take the whole thing to a secret location in the countryside,
08:50fill it with our gunk, and then wait.
08:53For now, though, we take a break from our war against fly tippers for a well-earned pint.
09:01And it's now, when I'm at the pub,
09:03that people start bringing me their broken stuff that they want me to mend.
09:08In fact, I'm so used to this, I take my toolbox to the pub every time I go.
09:12Hello.
09:14Hello.
09:15Hello, I'm Kirsty.
09:16Hello, Kirsty.
09:17Hi.
09:18What have you got for us?
09:19I have got my teddy bear, Peter.
09:21He's 53 years old.
09:23Younger than me.
09:25Definitely younger than me.
09:27And apart from being utterly furless, what is wrong with Peter?
09:32He used to make a sound sort of like a sheep, and now he doesn't.
09:37He's been in a loft for 35-plus years.
09:41Poor sod.
09:42Yeah.
09:43Is it one of those where you do that and it...
09:44Yeah.
09:45You can hear it.
09:47Oh, yeah.
09:48Whatever that is.
09:50Something's moving.
09:51What noise did it make?
09:52It was like a sheep, like a bar.
09:55I think...
09:56Well, I do know somebody who used to run a thing called Teddy Bear Hospital,
09:59these old bears, they've usually got a moving weight and some sort of bellows.
10:02They used to be classified as squeakers and growlers.
10:06Right.
10:07One of them had a reed and the other one had...
10:09Some kind of diaphragm or...
10:11Yeah.
10:12Something like that.
10:13So you want us to try and make the sound work again?
10:15If you could, that would be lovely.
10:17And you've had him since you were how old?
10:20Before I was born, my grandmother gave it to my mother
10:24while she was pregnant with me.
10:26So it predates you.
10:27Yeah.
10:28The teddy was waiting for you as you popped out of the womb.
10:30He was.
10:32And are these your initials?
10:33They are my initials, yeah.
10:34My mum stitched them in cos he used to go everywhere with me.
10:37I've got a picture of him, actually.
10:40Oh, that's when he still had his fur.
10:43Yeah.
10:44And his head was on properly.
10:45Yes.
10:47At what point did Peter lose his speech?
10:50Hmm.
10:51I have no idea.
10:52He's travelled with me.
10:53I was in the army and he came everywhere with me.
10:57And then he ended up in a loft and I thought I'd lost him.
11:04And then I got him back about three months ago and he doesn't make any sound.
11:09How would you feel about us opening Peter up?
11:12That's fine.
11:13Are you sure?
11:14Yeah.
11:15We'll have to ask you to sign a consent form.
11:18Absolutely.
11:19And a do not resuscitate.
11:21Oh, look.
11:22There is my special superpower magnifying spectacles.
11:26And there is a scalpel.
11:29Has this been opened before?
11:30Not that I know of, no.
11:31How are you feeling about this, Kirsty?
11:33I'm slightly nervous.
11:35Whoop.
11:36Oh.
11:37Swab.
11:39We found something that has not been exposed to the light since the early 1970s.
11:43Can I put my finger in?
11:45You might want to look away.
11:46I am.
11:48My God, it's huge.
11:50We need a bigger hole.
11:51We need a bigger hole.
11:53I'm actually getting nervous.
11:55Here it comes.
11:56Come on, then.
12:05Is that the noise it used to make?
12:07Slightly.
12:09But longer?
12:10Longer, yeah.
12:12Sim, you afford him some dignity.
12:14Oh, sorry.
12:16We'll put him in the recovery position.
12:18OK, we will take this back to the workshop, Kirsty.
12:20We will mend it, reinsert it in the bowels of Peter.
12:26Simi will stitch him back together.
12:28He will be returned to you, growling as he did in your youth,
12:32and you will never know, and neither will he, that anything had ever happened.
12:36Excellent.
12:38Either that or it will go wrong and we'll chuck him on the bonfire.
12:41Please don't.
12:42Will we be able to perform this important and life-saving operation?
12:47Will Peter growl again?
12:55Ah, Wiltshire, the beautiful countryside.
12:58But did you know that every 27 seconds somebody ruins it by fly-tipping,
13:04causing damage to farmland and wildlife?
13:06Luckily, Tony, Simi and I have come up with a cunning plan involving a collapsible cattle grid
13:14that will expose a sticky substance beneath to stop our fly-tippers in their tracks.
13:20Now, we just have to select our gunk.
13:25The options we have arrived at are corn flour, epoxy resin,
13:31and this one, which is a mastic, so it remains plastic and sticky.
13:37Is that right? Yeah.
13:39What should we try? Should we try corn flour?
13:41I mean, corn flour, isn't it thixotropic?
13:44So if they run across a corn flour mix quickly, they will simply...
13:47Go across it.
13:48Go across it, but if they amble across it...
13:50Yes, then sink.
13:52How much should we put in? Let's put it all in.
13:54Do you think? Yeah.
13:55Corn flour is weird stuff, I think. I don't like using it in the kitchen.
14:03It's useful, though.
14:04It is useful. I mean, it's a crafty way to thicken up your cheese sauce.
14:08That is quite...so it is solid.
14:11But if you put gentle pressure, you sink.
14:15Oh!
14:17It's quite nice, actually.
14:19And then it just goes liquid.
14:20The trouble with this is so much fun, you'd find millions of fly-tippers just frolicking in your corn flour.
14:27This corn flour and water goo is non-Newtonian, meaning it doesn't follow Newton's laws,
14:34as it can act as both a solid and a liquid.
14:37And handily for us, this ambiguity makes it very sticky.
14:42Shall we put it on the floor and put some shoe covers on? Who wants to try?
14:45We can try one each.
14:47Off to you.
14:48I'll do...I'll do this one then, sorry.
14:57Make sure you use the right foot.
14:59Yeah, good thinking, Batman.
15:01So, you've thrown your sofa away, or your fridge, or whatever.
15:04Fly-tips. Nobody saw that. I'm off.
15:11It's not very good.
15:13What's the drag on your foot there?
15:14No, it's...it's...it's pretty grippy.
15:18But I don't know that you'll necessarily get stuck.
15:20The idea is that the fly-tipper is stuck to the fly-tipper trap.
15:24I mean, let's reserve judgement until we've tried a few other things.
15:28Shall we try the mass stick?
15:31So, it never sets.
15:33No.
15:34It's quite elastic, in the true sense, and hopefully quite sticky.
15:36Shall I?
15:37Yes.
15:38Yeah.
15:39Carry on.
15:43It looks sticky.
15:44It does look sticky.
15:46This particular mass stick forms an elastic, watertight sealant that sticks firmly to wood, metal, concrete, and, we hope, humans.
15:57This smells fantastic.
15:59So, has anybody got any Bob Dylan records?
16:00Right.
16:03Whose turn is it to try?
16:06Are you going to do it, Tony?
16:07Yeah, I'll do it.
16:08Yeah, go on, Tony.
16:11Are you going to put both feet in?
16:12Yeah, I don't want to get splashes on my trainers.
16:20So, remember to method act.
16:23What are you dumping, Tony?
16:24A telly.
16:25A telly, okay.
16:27Whoa, he's done that before.
16:28Whoa!
16:31Hey, that looked like it could be quite good.
16:33Wow.
16:34It's slippy as well.
16:35Really slippy.
16:37That's really sticky.
16:38Oh, that's pretty good.
16:41It's very good.
16:43So, the mastic works, but because Simmy hates to feel left out, we decide to let him test the epoxy resin option.
16:50Also, he's got a bit of a thing about shoe covers.
16:53You ready, Sim?
16:54Right, with your big fridge, and action.
16:55Action.
16:56I've got my fridge all over the edge it goes.
16:59Oh, .
17:04That's not very good.
17:05It's not very good, is it?
17:06It's also all over the floor.
17:07It is all over the floor.
17:08You need to get off the floor.
17:09It's very slippery.
17:10So, that's not ideal, is it?
17:12No.
17:14It's rubbish.
17:16So, to conclude this scene, men, because we've wanted to do it, you have one.
17:22Are you ready?
17:24In three, two, one.
17:31The mastic is a clear winner.
17:33It's the stickiest, that we agreed.
17:35Absolutely.
17:36Right, so that's what we'll do.
17:38Once that sticky mastic is added to our cattle grid fly trap, we may just be able to protect rural
17:46littles up and down the country from the blight of fly tipping.
17:51But there's another danger threatening the countryside, and that's the worrying demise of pub games.
17:58As a landlord myself, I'm not keen on fruit machines and dreary pub quizzes.
18:04But what about revisiting one of the old standards?
18:07The game of darts, it's essential to the formation of England's character.
18:16Because without our prowess at darts, we wouldn't have been good at archery and defeated the French at Agincourt, for example.
18:23Now, this is a standard dartboard, probably the one you're familiar with.
18:26It's got doubles on the outside, trebles on the inner ring, and then a bull and a double bull.
18:31But there are other types of dartboard.
18:33For example, there is a Yorkshire dartboard, which only has the doubles.
18:37And then there's a Manchester dartboard, which has the numbers in a different order.
18:41There's also a Bath dartboard, which has some extra scoring areas around the outside, and so on and so on.
18:48Wiltshire does not have its own dartboard, so we thought maybe we'd come up with one.
18:55What do you think, Tony?
18:57Er, yeah. What would you do, though?
18:59When I was a kid, me and my brother used to play drop darts, where you put the dartboard on the floor.
19:06We actually used to do it out of the bedroom window, with the dartboard down below in the garden.
19:12Let's try holding it by the...
19:15Oh, shot! Is it in?
19:16No, it's 25.
19:19Miles off.
19:20Yeah.
19:21I mean...
19:22It involves a lot of bending down, though.
19:27What if the dartboard starts rotating?
19:31Imagine how difficult it would be to throw at a rotating darts board.
19:35Yeah.
19:36That'd be... Yeah, we could do that.
19:38That'd be fun.
19:39Obviously, because we are, in fact, engineers, we need to test out the concept.
19:46OK, so stand on the ocky, but about two feet back from the ocky.
19:51Oh, I don't want to throw a dart at you like that.
19:53No, no.
19:54Oh!
19:56You ready?
19:59You having a laugh?
20:00No.
20:05Yes, three on the board.
20:07OK, now it's my turn.
20:16Crap rolling.
20:17Crap rolling.
20:18It's supposed to go over there.
20:19You deflected it with your first dart.
20:21So the rotation idea works, but not rolling the board.
20:25Now we need Simi's help to try and make the board rotate in space.
20:30Shall we have a beer?
20:31Good idea.
20:33While Tony and I head off for a pint,
20:35Simi throws himself into creating a mechanism that will rotate our Wiltshire dartboard.
20:42First he attaches a rotary switch to a wooden frame.
20:45And then he rigs up a variable speed controller
20:48before, after a quick swig,
20:52soldering together a small motor with a manual switch.
20:57Then he attaches a battery,
20:59has another essential beer break,
21:01and finally tests the rotating mechanism
21:03that will eventually attach to the dartboard,
21:06which we'll try out later,
21:08once Simi's joined us in the garden for another pint.
21:11Exciting!
21:23You find me back in my Wiltshire pub,
21:25and for good reason.
21:27There isn't enough entertainment in the pub,
21:29especially since I've banned Morris dancers and minstrels.
21:32So we're looking at how to refresh the greatest of all pub games.
21:39With the introduction of the Wiltshire dartboard,
21:42allow me to show it to you.
21:44Here it is, hanging on the wall at the regulation height,
21:47with the 20 at the top, where you'd expect.
21:50My two players, if you'd like to take the Occy, gentlemen,
21:55then you will remember where you were when you first saw this,
21:58because the game of darts was changed forever.
22:04There it goes.
22:06The rotating Wiltshire dartboard.
22:10Doesn't look like much, but it makes the game extremely difficult,
22:12and let's be honest, it wasn't easy to start with.
22:15We're playing highest score, three darts, your throw, sir.
22:18It's making me dizzy.
22:19Here's the 20, but it's going round and round, you see,
22:21because it's the Wiltshire dartboard.
22:23Rubbish.
22:24Oh, he's going for the bull.
22:26Oh, it's tricky.
22:2843.
22:3012.
22:3219.
22:34Oh, rubbish.
22:36James, come on, do your best.
22:37Oh, again.
22:3834.
22:39Yeah, oh.
22:40No.
22:41No.
22:42No, no, no.
22:43No.
22:44Right, I'm speeding it up for round two.
22:47Oh.
22:48Oh.
22:49Yes.
22:50Wow.
22:51Shall we reverse?
22:53Oh.
22:54Oh.
22:56Oh.
22:57Oh.
22:58Yes.
23:00Wow.
23:01Shall we reverse?
23:03Oh.
23:04Oh.
23:06Oh, he's got 60.
23:10Oh, and that...
23:11I didn't believe I missed the ball, James.
23:13I've only got this one left, and I have to score 29 or more.
23:23That means the winner is Sim.
23:25But this invention wasn't meant just to entertain the three of us.
23:31It has to work on the seething, roaring mass that is the general public.
23:36Let's see if any of the locals would like to play Wiltshire darts.
23:43Hmm, no.
23:45It's not looking good.
23:47Well, yes, you're right.
23:48It's not ideal.
23:49It's not good.
23:50It's 24.
23:51But that's nothing.
23:54At least I tried.
23:58Five.
24:00Six.
24:03Ten.
24:04Congratulations.
24:05That's truly terrible.
24:10Eight.
24:12Oh, dear.
24:13That's 17, sir.
24:14That's very poor.
24:16I hope you don't mind me saying.
24:18Scores may be low, but the game is a huge hit with the regulars,
24:21and also, it turns out, with our film crew,
24:24with producer Lucy very keen to play.
24:30You've thrown it away.
24:32As everybody rushes to stand in front of the board for their own safety,
24:36it's probably time to sum this up.
24:37I'm not entirely sure what to say about Wiltshire darts, apart from that it's excellent.
24:46That's one successful step along the path to revitalise British pub entertainment.
24:51And I've got plenty more ideas up my sleeve.
24:53But now, we must return to the pressing matter of Kirsty's bear,
24:58who, after years in the loft, has lost his growl,
25:03and Simi and I have been entrusted with the weighty task of giving Peter his voice back.
25:08Right, viewers, our mission today is to provide Peter the bear, beloved of Kirsty,
25:14with a more impressive...
25:17..one of those.
25:18According to Kirsty, it was originally louder and longer,
25:22and we may be able to improve the sound as well.
25:25We've never done this before, oddly.
25:32First, we need to remove Peter's growl box to see how it works.
25:37What if we made that just twice as long, and this twice as long,
25:41and then...
25:43..that you'd get a longer...
25:44So, it is, it's like...
25:49Oh, God!
25:53It's got a very simple reed there,
25:56similar to something you would find in a crude musical instrument.
26:00This seems to be some sort of very, very simple amplifier.
26:05We could remake that bigger, much bigger and much longer.
26:10There's a lot of room.
26:11There's tons of room.
26:12It could go right down to his...
26:14..and up to his neck.
26:16So we could, you know, we could put an enormous growler in there.
26:23Yes.
26:25Right, that's the plan.
26:27We're going to remake it bigger and better,
26:30which in terms of a teddy bear growl means longer.
26:33To see if we can give Peter a larger, longer growl,
26:37Sim and I want to see what happens when we elongate the sandbox's journey
26:42by throwing it down the longest tube we can find.
26:45Three metres of cylindrical polyvinyl chloride.
26:49Is everybody ready?
26:51Also known as a drainpipe.
26:52Let her go.
26:55Uh...
26:58Um...
27:02I think it needs to be totally upright.
27:12That was epic!
27:14Nice!
27:15You're trying with the shorter length?
27:16Yes!
27:17So, Peter's growler needs to be...
27:19Oh, no.
27:20Yeah.
27:21OK.
27:23Now we've established how big we can make Peter's new growler,
27:25we cut it to size.
27:28Let's just see how long a growl we get.
27:33It's got to be a bit safer than that.
27:36To slow the movement of the growler and thus lengthen the growl,
27:41we need some sort of fabric cap with holes punched through.
27:45That's a bit on the wonk, isn't it?
27:47I mean, it doesn't matter.
27:49I mean, no-one's ever going to see it
27:51because it's going to be deep in Peter's bowel,
27:54apart from all the people watching it on television, obviously.
27:57I think to get the result, we need to tape this on to the end
28:01to seal that one end.
28:02The noise goes in that way.
28:04Yeah.
28:08Why how could that...?
28:18Is there a plan B at this point?
28:20No.
28:24OK.
28:25Anyway, we're not going to give up.
28:27Luckily, Simi, ever the optimist,
28:29has an idea that might help create the sound,
28:33and it involves a pair of black rubber gloves.
28:36We're making a replacement bellow.
28:39The old one is rather elaborate.
28:43We're not sure what material it is.
28:46It's almost like a waxed paper,
28:48but it has been ironed so that it has effectively a helix in it.
28:54So it's ironed in two directions.
28:57So it's got ridges on the outside and the inside.
29:00But that seems unnecessarily complicated in a world of modern materials,
29:04such as rubber gloves.
29:06So we're making it out of the rubber glove.
29:08The theory here is that the rubber glove should fill with air
29:11and force it past the reed, which makes the sound.
29:14OK.
29:17Are we ready?
29:18I'm slightly...
29:30How can that not work?
29:33The addition of the bellows has made...
29:36Let's have a look.
29:38The growlers stick in the tube.
29:39Oh, is that what it's doing?
29:40What it's doing?
29:45That's so feeble.
29:48Situation update on Peter the teddy bear.
29:51Situation update is that since Peter the bear
29:55was admitted to our bear growler hospital,
29:58his condition has deteriorated quite significantly.
30:02Some of his stuffing's come out.
30:05He's got a massive wound in his spine and his voice doesn't work anymore.
30:08But apart from that...
30:10It's not easy, is it?
30:12I hate this bear.
30:14So our attempts at repairing Peter's existing growl box have run adrift.
30:20But we can't let Kirsty and her precious bear down.
30:24And so, after some deliberation,
30:26Sim and I decide that desperate times call for desperate measures.
30:30Are you sitting comfortably, children?
30:33Kirsty had a very special bear called Peter.
30:37And Peter could growl like a proper grown-up bear.
30:40But one day, Peter's growl failed.
30:43And Kirsty sent poor Peter to Simeon James to be repaired.
30:47It's proved rather difficult because Peter's reed is bent and worn out,
30:53his bellows have perished.
30:55But of course you know all that, children,
30:57because you've been on this incredible adventure with us.
31:01But now, Simeon James have had to do something they've never done before on this show.
31:07Which is, order a spare part and fit that instead.
31:09Here it is, commercially available growler from a bear specialist.
31:16Peter can growl again.
31:22And now, Mr Oakley the surgeon is going to sew it into Peter.
31:28And nobody need ever know.
31:30It's our secret.
31:33There you go, Sim.
31:34Thank you very much.
31:35Once Simmy has sewn up the patient, we'll send him to convalesce.
31:39The bear, I mean.
31:40Before returning him to Kirsty.
31:42As good as new.
31:44Well, almost.
31:49You rejoin us in Wiltshire,
31:51where I'm coming up with ideas to solve problems big and small that bother us all.
31:56Whether that's flytippers ruining the glorious countryside,
32:00or that your lunch is just lacking that certain something.
32:04We have identified a problem,
32:07which is that you go out to a pub or a restaurant and you have some food,
32:10and it's all jolly nice, but you think,
32:11I'd like a little bit of garnish on that.
32:14What if you could take the garnish with you,
32:16and then you could garnish whatever it was you were eating, wherever?
32:20So we thought, why not incorporate them into an item of clothing?
32:24To wit, a hat.
32:25You see, this rests very conveniently on your head.
32:29If the brim were full of soil and herbs,
32:32you could merely pluck one and add it to your cheesy pasta.
32:37So, join me as we make the world's first herb hat.
32:44This is harder than it looks.
32:50The problem I'm experiencing is that the brim of the hat is not as deep
32:55as the typical English garden herb bed.
32:59So maybe we need to get rid of some bigger.
33:03And maybe make the soil a bit wetter.
33:04But don't I have to retain the root?
33:07Yes, but if you just...
33:09So if we get rid of those boys and keep that one in its root...
33:13What, and discard those?
33:14I think snip that off.
33:16I always have my comedy carrot-shaped Japanese scissors in my pocket, fortunately.
33:21I snip those off.
33:23We're now getting somewhere with the herb hat.
33:26Compacted soil and a sprig of basil.
33:30I've been in television quite a long time now.
33:32I think it's about 25 years.
33:34And because I understand the basics of television,
33:37I know that we're going to skip forward to a comedy shot of me approaching my own pub
33:40with a hat full of herbs on my head.
33:44And here I am.
33:47Afternoon.
33:48Afternoon.
33:49Hamming and chips.
33:50Yes.
33:51Epic.
33:53Nice hat, James.
33:55Yeah, you're rocking that.
34:00Sorry.
34:02It was a bit of a breeze.
34:05Would you like some Garni?
34:08Have you got any coriander?
34:09I have.
34:10I believe it's there, isn't it?
34:12Yes.
34:13May I?
34:14Here are the exquisite Japanese scissors.
34:21Sim, anything you'd like with your...
34:22A little basil would be nice.
34:24Basil is...
34:25Ooh.
34:26Can Tony reach that?
34:27Ooh, ooh.
34:28Is that enough?
34:29Yeah.
34:30I think ham, egg and chips, I would like...
34:33I'd like a few chives on my eggs and my chips.
34:36Allow me.
34:37Here you go.
34:38Thanks awfully.
34:39What do you think of my hat?
34:40I mean, be honest.
34:41Well, honest.
34:42Yeah, yeah.
34:43I mean, you look like words of gummage, but...
34:44It's a bit Morrie style, isn't it?
34:45It's actually very useful.
34:46It's a top hat.
34:47See what I did there.
34:48I'd say this works.
34:49Mmm.
34:50Mmm.
34:51It's a little uncomfortable, but it's very achievable at home.
34:52All you need is a hat, some nutrient-rich soil, some herbs, a low sense of self-esteem.
34:57Robert's your mother's brother.
34:58Next.
34:59Spice shoes.
35:00No, that's ridiculous.
35:01Shoes covered in spices would just look stupid.
35:02I'd say this works.
35:03Mmm.
35:04It's a little uncomfortable, but it's very achievable at home.
35:06All you need is a hat, some nutrient-rich soil, some herbs, a low sense of self-esteem.
35:17Robert's your mother's brother.
35:19Next.
35:20Spice shoes.
35:22No, that's ridiculous.
35:24Shoes covered in spices would just look stupid.
35:27Meanwhile, here are some lovely shots of the Wiltshire countryside.
35:32And we're hoping to keep it that way, with our cunning invention to stop the curse of fly-tipping.
35:41We return to the fly-tipper fly-trap.
35:44Fly-tipping is becoming a blight.
35:46In the countryside, we have devised a way of catching people in the act.
35:50It is essentially a fly-trap.
35:52It's based on the idea of a retracting cattle grid that exposes a very sticky substance that traps the miscreants,
35:59so that they can be apprehended and then they can pay their debt to society.
36:04Now, in a previous instalment, we proved the principle of the retracting cattle grid,
36:09and now we've set it up in this fly-tipping area.
36:12It's already full of junk.
36:13It's a very popular location.
36:15You know, saw horses, old records, players, speakers, badminton bats and so on.
36:20And amongst it is a fairly typical old bicycle.
36:23Or is it?
36:24No, it isn't.
36:25It is actually the trigger mechanism for the whole thing.
36:28Let me explain to you how it works.
36:29When our fly-tippers approach, they walk over the cattle grid, which is closed and it's outside a gate,
36:34they suspect nothing.
36:35And they lob whatever it is, their bread maker, whatever, over here, and it hits this trigger string.
36:42This trigger string, via this pulley here, pulls on this hinged piece of wood,
36:50which releases the front brake of the bicycle.
36:54The front wheel now, free to rotate, begins to rotate under the tension of this bungee cord
37:00until the sledgehammer, which is attached to the wheel, passes top dead centre
37:05and then gravity does its work.
37:08The rotation of the wheel and the extra torque provided by the sledgehammer
37:12operates this pulley system, which retracts the cattle grid.
37:16They think we got away with that, run away, stuck, we turn up with clubs and beat them to death.
37:21Now, we're going to test this out with some fictitious fly-tippers.
37:24This is not real, this is a set-up, but me, Tony and Simi, to see if it works,
37:28are going to watch from over there, behind the wall.
37:31If you didn't understand the explanation, don't worry, we're filming it all with little cameras
37:35and we'll do a slow-motion action replay and you can see it all working in graphic detail.
37:41Right, are we ready? Let's prime the trap.
37:47So, a few redesigned and repurposed bits of junk could, if we've got our calculations correct,
37:53trigger our trap and catch some fly-tippers in the world's first ever fly-tipping fly-trap.
38:00It's quite sticky.
38:01Patent pending.
38:03Right, I think we can go and hide.
38:17So, the trap is set. And, as if by magic, a mysterious van pulls up.
38:24Oh, he's stopping. He is, he is.
38:27Oh, he's got to be one. That's a really tatty van, that's always a sign.
38:32He's getting out.
38:33Oh, they've got hoodies on.
38:35Oh, look at them, dirty fly-tippers.
38:38Yes, dirty fly-tippers that do look remarkably like members of our crew.
38:43What is it? What is it? Washing machine?
38:45It's a bloody mattress.
38:47Oh! God.
38:49I've got a cattle grave, go on.
38:51There you go.
38:52Yes, yes, yes. Oh.
39:04Yes!
39:09Gotcha!
39:10That's so good!
39:13Yeah, I can tell you it works.
39:15Oi, fly-tippers, you're in a fly-trap and you're going down.
39:22Oh, well done, then. That is fantastic.
39:25That was a good job.
39:26That's an absurd idea, but it works.
39:29And, as promised, here it is in glorious slow motion.
39:33It may be a prototype, but the principle is sound.
39:36Fly-tippers can be caught like flies in a trap,
39:39and that is engineering and poetic success.
39:43So, we've solved fly-tipping, pub entertainment, garnishing on the move.
39:52But we've really struggled trying to fix Peter the bear,
39:56whose growler was no longer fit for purpose.
39:59I never imagined I would end up being involved in the repair of a teddy bear.
40:04I was expecting clocks or lawn mowers, you know.
40:08Not teddies.
40:09Not a teddy bear.
40:11What a pain.
40:12I'll be quite glad to see the back of him.
40:14Aw, I'll miss Peter.
40:16I can see the back of him now.
40:17I don't know how she's going to react when we admit that we haven't really mended him as such.
40:22What happens if she throws one?
40:24I don't think she will.
40:25I don't think she will.
40:26You think so?
40:27No.
40:28What we've actually done here is a transplant.
40:30We have, yes.
40:31And a successful one.
40:32And that's really the cutting edge of teddy bear medicine.
40:34Hello.
40:35Hello.
40:36Hello.
40:37Have a seat.
40:38Nice to see you again.
40:39Hi.
40:40Here is Roger.
40:41Peter.
40:42Have you missed him?
40:43I've missed him a lot.
40:44Have you?
40:45I have.
40:46Well, it's strange.
40:47We've become very familiar with Peter.
40:49He's been a constant lurking presence in our lives.
40:52And looked after very carefully.
40:55And he's been a very familiar with Peter.
40:58He's been a constant lurking presence in our lives.
41:01And looked after very carefully, of course.
41:04I'm glad.
41:05I'm glad you did.
41:06Well, do you want to know what we've done?
41:07Yes, please.
41:08Well, Simi began the quite difficult operation with a long incision down his spine.
41:13Yeah.
41:14And then we successfully removed his growler.
41:17Yes.
41:18And that's where things became a bit difficult.
41:20It had sort of disintegrated a bit.
41:22Yeah.
41:23And his growler wasn't very strong anymore.
41:25No.
41:26And we looked at making a longer tube and a bigger bellows.
41:29We tried various fabrics.
41:31We tried a rubber glove.
41:32Sounds a bit complicated.
41:33It was complicated.
41:34He was on the table for hours.
41:36And at one point, we thought we might lose him.
41:38That's him.
41:39Eventually...
41:40Yeah.
41:41...we consulted...
41:43Well, a consultant teddy bear surgeon.
41:46Yeah.
41:47...who said, I'm afraid he had to have a new growler.
41:50So, he's had a transplant.
41:52Um...
41:53OK.
41:54But if you'd like to tip him on his back...
41:55Oh!
41:56Oh!
41:57It's the same!
41:58It sounds exactly the same!
41:59Oh!
42:00Oh!
42:01Oh!
42:02It does...
42:03It sounds exactly the same!
42:04Oh!
42:05Oh!
42:06It does...
42:07It sounds exactly the same!
42:09Oh!
42:10Oh!
42:11Oh, it does...
42:12It sounds exactly the same!
42:13If you tip him right back and wait for a bit...
42:14It's really...
42:15It's really key!
42:16...for a bit for sort of the...
42:17OK.
42:18...browler to extend, and then...
42:19It sounds just like a telephone!
42:20Oh!
42:21Good, so you're pleased!
42:22Very pleased!
42:23Thank you so much!
42:24Oh!
42:25So good!
42:26Well, I'm delighted that you're pleased!
42:27I'm very pleased!
42:28Because I thought I'd lost him for a long, long time, and now he sounds exactly like
42:31me!
42:32Oh!
42:33Oh!
42:34Oh!
42:35So good!
42:36Well, I'm delighted that you're pleased!
42:37I'm very pleased, because I thought I'd lost him for a long, long time, and now he sounds
42:43exactly like he did when I was a child, so, yeah, he's quite emotional!
42:50Well, you can take him back to your home, and enjoy the rest of your lives together!
42:55I will!
42:56Thank you so much!
42:57It's really appreciated!
42:58That's OK!
42:59It's a pleasure!
43:00Thank you!
43:01Thank you very much!
43:02Thank you!
43:03Bye!
43:04Bye!
43:05Bring him back when his head falls off!
43:06Can you see her?
43:09She's properly delighted!
43:11That bear is loved!
43:13And if we, as humanity, could love each other the way Kirsty loves that bear, everything
43:18would be OK, apart from for me!
43:23Good night, lovely to see you!
43:24Sweet,
43:32We are here alone!
43:34The family.
43:35The family has seniored under this bag as special as new for taking things it wouldn't be
43:41the people who came into!
43:42We will be the most successful as the CEO of the receive the first diggernaise,
43:45If we look forward with it, we'll look forward with it!
43:47Yeah, bye!
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