- 5 weeks ago
Melinda, a female employee of the Pentagon's public information service, who loses her job when she refuses to give in to her male superiors' sexual advances.
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Short filmTranscript
00:00:00You
00:00:30Well, Jim, you can see that our new anti-tank weapon
00:00:41has the highest technical specifications.
00:00:45We believe that SM Corporation is the most qualified defense contractor,
00:00:49especially in supplying the military with laser-powered weapons.
00:00:52Yes, our company is capable of producing a large quantity
00:00:55under a strict time schedule.
00:00:57And we could make a very attractive deal for the Army on a bulk order.
00:01:02I think you have an excellent product, ladies.
00:01:04Hold on.
00:01:06General Kane, you know that anti-tank weapon
00:01:09that SM Corps has been trying to sell us for the past year?
00:01:12Yeah, well, it may not be so bad.
00:01:16Right.
00:01:17Let's order 10,000 units.
00:01:19Goodbye.
00:01:21Well, ladies, lunch.
00:01:27You're new here
00:01:41Don't know what to do here
00:01:45People are gonna put you around
00:01:51You don't have to take it
00:01:52Lying down
00:01:54You wanna make it
00:01:56In this town
00:01:58Don't you try to break it
00:02:00To stand your ground
00:02:02Move on up
00:02:06Move on up
00:02:06Move on up
00:02:10Move on up
00:02:14They'll cheat you
00:02:21But no matter how long they treat you
00:02:22But no matter how they treat you
00:02:25You're never gonna lose what you've found
00:02:31You don't have to take it
00:02:32Lying down
00:02:35You wanna make it
00:02:37In this town
00:02:39Don't you try to break it
00:02:40Just stand your ground
00:02:43Move on up
00:02:46Move on up
00:02:49No matter how long the cards before you got what it takes
00:02:52Move on up
00:02:53No matter how many times you fail how many mistakes
00:02:56Move on up
00:02:57You're ready when you hear the call
00:03:00Move on up
00:03:01Move on up
00:03:02Move on up
00:03:04Move on up
00:03:05Move on up
00:03:06Move on up
00:03:07Move on up
00:03:08People are gonna push you around
00:03:12You don't have to take it
00:03:14Lying down
00:03:16If you wanna make it
00:03:18In this town
00:03:20Don't you try to break it
00:03:22To stand your ground
00:03:26Move on up
00:03:28Let's face it
00:03:39I'm scared to death
00:03:40Change is never easy
00:03:43Yet I'm real proud that I've had the courage to make this move
00:03:47Writing a book?
00:03:48It may sound idealistic
00:03:50But
00:03:52Well, especially with the cynicism around about the politics and the government and everything
00:03:57But I honestly hope that I'll be able to do something worthwhile for my country
00:04:01Heck, if more people thought the way I did
00:04:05We wouldn't be in the mess we are today
00:04:07You know, that's great to hear that
00:04:09I mean, people are usually so quick to criticize what's wrong about this country
00:04:13Nowadays, people are embarrassed to say how great the country really is
00:04:18I'm writing a magazine article
00:04:21Uh, no
00:04:22It's just my diary
00:04:24Your diary?
00:04:25Well, it's easier for me than writing it down
00:04:28Um, can I buy you a drink?
00:04:32Oh, no, thank you
00:04:34I'm Bill Slater
00:04:37Melinda Griffin
00:04:38Hi
00:04:38Hi
00:04:39Where are you from?
00:04:41A real small town in Ohio
00:04:43I don't think you've ever heard of it
00:04:44Where?
00:04:46Ashtabula
00:04:47Oh, come on, you're kidding
00:04:49You're not going to believe this
00:04:50But my first girlfriend
00:04:51Well, my first real love
00:04:54She was from Ashtabula
00:04:55That's unbelievable
00:04:57Unbelievable
00:04:58I fell in love with her
00:05:00Pinned her
00:05:01She was the girl of my dreams
00:05:03She turns around and dumps me for a jock with a Corvette
00:05:07Kept a pin
00:05:07That's not nice
00:05:08No, I like the pin
00:05:09No
00:05:10No
00:05:10Wasn't as pretty as you, though
00:05:15What?
00:05:18Will you have dinner with me tonight?
00:05:22No
00:05:23No
00:05:36No
00:05:38No
00:05:40No
00:05:43No
00:06:22Here you go. Thank you.
00:06:41Have a good day.
00:06:42Bye-bye.
00:06:52Bye-bye.
00:07:22Bye-bye.
00:07:52Melinda!
00:07:53Melinda!
00:07:54I didn't mean to...
00:07:55Melinda, I can't believe it. What are you doing here?
00:07:57I'm sorry.
00:07:58I am so embarrassed.
00:08:00Oh, don't be silly.
00:08:01Tell me, what are you doing in Washington?
00:08:03Well, I decided to take you up on your offer.
00:08:05Oh, that's great.
00:08:07What offer?
00:08:08Well, you remember when we talked on the phone about a year ago, you said any time I came to Washington, I could stay with you.
00:08:14A year ago? I don't remember.
00:08:16Oh, well, did you get my letter? I wrote I was coming in the letter.
00:08:20I never got it.
00:08:20You didn't get it.
00:08:22Oh!
00:08:23Oh!
00:08:24Oh!
00:08:25Where are my manners?
00:08:27Oh.
00:08:28Oh.
00:08:28This is Mark Drysdale, a good friend of mine and an exercise partner.
00:08:35Hi.
00:08:36Mark, this is Melinda Griffin, my very best friend from back home.
00:08:39Oh, hi. So glad to meet you. Melinda?
00:08:43Yeah.
00:08:43Yes, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to interrupt you.
00:08:46Oh, interrupt us? Are you kidding? I come here all the time. I mean, uh, uh, I gotta go.
00:08:54Uh, uh, did you look in this pile?
00:09:00Uh, oh, International Singles Only, Capitol Hill Computer Dating Service, D.C. Dial-A-Millionaire Club.
00:09:08Do you belong to all these clubs, Debbie?
00:09:10Oh, no. Only Capitol Hill Dating.
00:09:12Oh! Look what I found.
00:09:14Melinda, I'm sorry. I can't believe I missed that. I really am happy to see you.
00:09:20Oh, you too.
00:09:21Gosh, you look great.
00:09:23Thank you. You don't look so bad yourself.
00:09:26I'll go get some clothes. How long did you say you were gonna stay?
00:09:30Forever.
00:09:31That long? Oh, that's too long. My roommate will go berserk.
00:09:34Oh, no, no, no. Not in your apartment, Debbie, in Washington. I've left Ohio for good.
00:09:39Oh, yeah.
00:09:40Um, very nice to have met you, uh, Melinda.
00:09:43Oh, yeah.
00:09:43Hi! Hi! Cheryl! I just stepped in you-know-what! Cheryl!
00:10:05This is my good friend from back home, Melinda Griffin. Nice to meet you, Melinda!
00:10:12Nice to meet you too, Cheryl. Don't mind her. She's just in love with a gorgeous hunk of a man.
00:10:19He's everything I ever dreamt of. Rich, strong, sensitive, caring, rich.
00:10:29Cheryl, we just met her two days ago. We know each other intimately.
00:10:33Lester Chadsworth III. He's teaching the accounting. Accounting?
00:10:40Yeah, he likes my potential. That's nice.
00:10:45Cheryl, do you mind if Melinda stays with us for a while?
00:10:47Of course not, if you don't mind crashing on the couch.
00:10:49Look, I don't want to be any trouble. I can find an apartment.
00:10:52Are you kidding? Do you know what rents are like in this town?
00:10:55You stay with us. Yeah!
00:10:57Okay, thanks. And as soon as I get a job, I can help chip in.
00:11:02Hey, do you type?
00:11:04Yeah, 80 words a minute. And I take shorthand.
00:11:06Wow, maybe we can get her a job. We both work at the Pentagon.
00:11:09At the Pentagon? I'd love to work at the Pentagon. That's gotta be one of the most stimulating jobs in all of Washington.
00:11:16Stimulating? Melinda, we're just secretaries.
00:11:19Well, I know, but still you're working for our country.
00:11:22Right.
00:11:23Hey, they're doing it again.
00:11:26Doing what?
00:11:28Oh, my God.
00:11:35Think of all the calories they're burning up.
00:11:38Okay, let's celebrate.
00:11:40To Melinda's new life in Washington.
00:11:43I'll drink to that and to the 3Fs.
00:11:46Forget the 3Fs.
00:11:47What are they?
00:11:49Flirting, foreplay and fun.
00:11:50Fun!
00:11:51Fun!
00:11:52And more fun.
00:11:53To fun.
00:11:54And to working for a better government.
00:12:12Good morning.
00:12:13Good morning.
00:12:17Good morning.
00:12:18Ah!
00:12:22Good morning.
00:12:32Good morning.
00:12:37Good morning.
00:12:42Oh!
00:12:43Oh!
00:12:44Oh!
00:12:45Oh!
00:12:46Sorry!
00:12:47Up!
00:12:48No, going down.
00:12:49Oh.
00:12:50Oh, thank God.
00:12:53Oh, hi, Melinda!
00:12:56Hi.
00:12:57Hi.
00:12:58I just talked with my boss and he's pretty sure you're going to come.
00:13:10Really?
00:13:11Oh, that's wonderful.
00:13:12How do I thank you?
00:13:13Don't thank me.
00:13:14Thank him.
00:13:15Come on.
00:13:16Okay.
00:13:17Well, if we don't, we'll worry about the same market yet.
00:13:20I know this job's going to work out for you.
00:13:22Are these people working full time?
00:13:25Hi.
00:13:26Hi.
00:13:27Hi.
00:13:29Hi.
00:13:30Hi.
00:13:31Hi.
00:13:32Hi.
00:13:33Hi.
00:13:34Hi.
00:13:35Hi.
00:13:36Hi.
00:13:37Hi.
00:13:38Hi.
00:13:39Hi.
00:13:40Hi.
00:13:41Hi.
00:13:42Hi, Mark.
00:13:43You remember Melinda.
00:13:44I hardly recognize you without your hat.
00:13:47Sit.
00:13:48Please.
00:13:49Just one second, okay?
00:13:52Cranston.
00:13:53Lieutenant Cranston, this is Captain Drysdale.
00:13:56How are you doing, Mark?
00:13:58I have the girl that I spoke to you about, Melinda, in my office.
00:14:03So why don't I just send her on over to your office?
00:14:06What does she look like?
00:14:08I'm on the speakerphone, you jerk.
00:14:10Send her right over.
00:14:12His office is three doors down.
00:14:14Lieutenant Cranston.
00:14:16Oh.
00:14:17Thank you, Captain.
00:14:18Oh.
00:14:19Thank you, Captain.
00:14:20Oh, well, my pleasure.
00:14:25We're showing her the town, so I won't be able to see you tonight.
00:14:28Oh.
00:14:29Uh.
00:14:30Well, I wasn't going to see you.
00:14:33You weren't?
00:14:34No.
00:14:35Why not?
00:14:36Um.
00:14:37Well, what difference does it make?
00:14:38You can't see me anyway.
00:14:40Well, where are you going?
00:14:41Uh.
00:14:42Do I ask you?
00:14:44Uh.
00:14:45But I already told you.
00:14:46Why would you ask?
00:14:48Uh.
00:14:49Never mind.
00:14:50I'm going to miss you.
00:14:52I also have a degree in political science, so hopefully my knowledge of government and politics
00:14:57will come in handy.
00:14:58Just let me say, Melinda.
00:15:00This is the public information office.
00:15:03Our main function is to write up stories that we think are newsworthy, reflect the army
00:15:08in a positive manner, send them out to the various media.
00:15:12Well, that sounds fascinating.
00:15:13I wouldn't go right to fascinating.
00:15:15In any case, it's not a heavy job.
00:15:19We kind of take things easy around here, if you know what I mean.
00:15:23Well, I would think that the more stories you could get out, the better your chances of
00:15:27breaking into the media, right?
00:15:29You let me worry about that, okay?
00:15:31Sure.
00:15:32Do you mind if I ask you a few personal questions?
00:15:35Just routine.
00:15:36No, that's all right.
00:15:37Are you married?
00:15:38No.
00:15:47Oh, yeah.
00:15:48Cranston?
00:15:49Hello?
00:15:50It's the wrong number.
00:15:55It's the wrong number.
00:15:58So, Melinda, do you mind working evenings and weekends?
00:16:01Not all the time, of course, but when necessary?
00:16:04No, that would be all right.
00:16:06Your boyfriend wouldn't mind?
00:16:07I don't have one.
00:16:08An attractive woman like you with no boyfriend?
00:16:10Must be lonely.
00:16:12Are there any other questions, Lieutenant?
00:16:14Let me ask you, Melinda, what do you think of the population problem in India?
00:16:20What about it?
00:16:21Well, you'd think with all those people there, they'd have some kind of birth control program.
00:16:26Well, they do.
00:16:27They have clinics where they teach birth control methods and give out contraceptives.
00:16:32I'm glad you believe in birth control.
00:16:34What method do you use?
00:16:36I don't see that that has any bearing.
00:16:38Nothing personal.
00:16:39Just government policy.
00:16:41If you don't want to answer...
00:16:43Cranston?
00:16:44Oh, yes!
00:16:45Damn it.
00:16:48Well, I guess that's it.
00:16:49Uh, so what do I do now?
00:16:51Do I go home and wait for you to call me?
00:16:53No.
00:16:54You take these press releases outside and type them up.
00:16:58Does that mean that I have the job?
00:17:00You got it.
00:17:01Start at 15,000 a year with periodic reviews and raises.
00:17:05Oh, that's wonderful.
00:17:07Good luck, Melinda.
00:17:08I'm sure we're going to get along real well.
00:17:22Will you two stop bucking in the damn speakerphone?
00:17:24You're driving me...
00:17:25Lieutenant Cranston?
00:17:26Uh...
00:17:27What the hell are you talking about?
00:17:29Uh...
00:17:30General King?
00:17:31Yes.
00:17:32Um...
00:17:33No, sir.
00:17:34I thought you were...
00:17:35A little joke.
00:17:36No, no, no, sir.
00:17:37It won't ever happen again.
00:17:38No, no.
00:17:39That's good.
00:17:40Thank you very much, sir.
00:17:42Oh yeah.
00:17:45No, no, no.
00:17:46The police and fear bother me, too.
00:17:47The police have Walter Brownman Christie-
00:17:50Don't mistake us, trouble she's a taker.
00:17:54Trouble maker, don't mistake us, trouble she's a baker.
00:17:59What's for me?
00:18:01Make room, make room.
00:18:04Hi, I have a margarita.
00:18:07Make it two, I guess three.
00:18:09Put it on my tab, Jack.
00:18:10Next round's on mine.
00:18:11Looks like dinner's on you, Steve.
00:18:13Hey, hey, hey.
00:18:14I'm Sidney, that's Michael, and the big time spender here is Steve.
00:18:17Hi, I'm Debbie, this is Cheryl, and that's Melinda.
00:18:21Nice to meet you.
00:18:22Gee, it's really tough to talk in here with all the noise.
00:18:24That's okay, we've heard it all.
00:18:26I haven't seen your girls here before.
00:18:28Well, we come here a lot.
00:18:29But we're picked up almost immediately and taken to a very expensive restaurant.
00:18:34Actually, this is Melinda's first time here.
00:18:37She just got into town.
00:18:38Oh, yeah? Where from?
00:18:39Ohio, a real small town.
00:18:41Sure, just south of Slippery When Wet, right?
00:18:44So, what do you ladies do?
00:18:46We work at the Pentagon.
00:18:47The Joint Chiefs of Staff, we should have recognized you.
00:18:50What about you guys?
00:18:52We're lawyers.
00:18:53Casey, Hubble, and Smith.
00:18:55Who is who?
00:18:56None of us.
00:18:57They founded the firm.
00:18:58They're dead.
00:18:59Oh, where are you from?
00:19:01Uh-oh, looks like these girls are looking for serious relationships.
00:19:05Okay, then dinner it is.
00:19:07I'll go pull Jack in the Box and make reservations.
00:19:09You know, I always thought there were only two jokers in the deck.
00:19:12Apparently, we have three.
00:19:13That's the spirit, Melinda.
00:19:14You tell them.
00:19:15Yes.
00:19:16To the three Fs.
00:19:17Flirting, foreplay, and fun.
00:19:18Fun.
00:19:19And more fun.
00:19:20Fun.
00:19:21Fun.
00:19:22Fun.
00:19:23Fun.
00:19:24Fun.
00:19:25Fun.
00:19:26Fun.
00:19:27Fun.
00:19:28Fun.
00:19:29Fun.
00:19:30Fun.
00:19:31Fun.
00:19:32Oh, Sidney, I never want to be without you.
00:19:34Tell me more about your mother.
00:19:36I'll be right back.
00:19:37Wait, where are you going?
00:19:38I got to go to the bathroom.
00:19:40Am I ever going to see you again?
00:19:41Well, you'll see me when I get back.
00:19:43I'd like you to handle a personal injury case for me.
00:19:46I tripped real bad in the lobby a few weeks ago after the janitor mopped the floor.
00:19:51There was another case just like it.
00:19:54Mason versus Janowitz.
00:19:58I researched it real good.
00:20:01Oh.
00:20:02What's the matter with you?
00:20:03Nothing's the matter with me.
00:20:05What did you think was going to happen when we got to this apartment?
00:20:07I thought that we would sit and talk and get to know each other better.
00:20:12I am talking.
00:20:13And you've been talking, so we're talking.
00:20:16But I think we could get to know each other even better.
00:20:21It's like the way our friends are doing.
00:20:22Well, I'm not like that.
00:20:23I just don't go to bed with someone I hardly know.
00:20:26Hardly know?
00:20:29I told you half my life story.
00:20:32But my parents being divorced, and my operations as a child,
00:20:35my brother's alcoholism,
00:20:37how the dog died,
00:20:39how I had to walk five miles to school,
00:20:42even in the snow.
00:20:45And then you say you hardly know me?
00:20:47Michael, it's nothing personal.
00:20:49I just, I don't believe in casual sex.
00:20:52Hey, why do you think God put us on this earth as men
00:20:55and women?
00:20:56It's part of the maker's plan to achieve fulfillment.
00:20:58That's why we're here.
00:21:00Well, that's not my notion of fulfillment.
00:21:02You are so beautiful when you're serious.
00:21:05Anyone ever told you that?
00:21:06Oh, my God.
00:21:10Oh, look.
00:21:12Look how stiff your neck is.
00:21:14Here, I'll tell you what.
00:21:15Let me massage it for you, okay?
00:21:16No, my neck.
00:21:17My neck is fine, Michael.
00:21:18Has anybody ever read your poem?
00:21:20Look at those lines.
00:21:21Ah.
00:21:22Those are remarkable lines.
00:21:23Michael, you're hurting my hand.
00:21:24Oh, you've been hurt before.
00:21:25Oh, I could tell that right away.
00:21:27I would never hurt you.
00:21:29You don't give up, do you?
00:21:30No wonder you're a lawyer.
00:21:31You're probably very good at it.
00:21:33Just trust me, Melinda.
00:21:34Okay?
00:21:35Trust me.
00:21:36I don't do anything against you.
00:21:37You know how much I love you?
00:21:38I will...
00:21:39Ah!
00:21:40Oh!
00:21:41Oh!
00:21:42Oh!
00:21:43Oh!
00:21:59Hi!
00:22:00I need to have my typewriter repaired.
00:22:02The return isn't working.
00:22:04Two weeks?
00:22:06That's ridiculous.
00:22:07This is the public information office.
00:22:09We...
00:22:10Yes?
00:22:11Do you need a requisition order?
00:22:14In triplicate?
00:22:16Right.
00:22:18Oh, yeah, I understand.
00:22:24Cranston.
00:22:25Yeah, excuse me, Lieutenant.
00:22:26Um...
00:22:27Secret embers.
00:22:28I'm sending the typewriter out for repairs.
00:22:29Is there something else I could do in the meantime?
00:22:31Whatever it is you like.
00:22:34Okay.
00:22:36Ah, really?
00:22:39Ah!
00:22:40Ah...
00:22:41Ah!
00:22:42Ah!
00:22:43Ah!
00:22:44Ah...
00:22:45Ah...
00:22:46Ah...
00:22:47Ah...
00:22:48Hi, Melinda.
00:23:12Hi.
00:23:13How is everything going?
00:23:14Is everything all right?
00:23:15Yes, fine.
00:23:16I just reorganized these files.
00:23:17You needn't concern yourself with trifles such as that.
00:23:19Trifles?
00:23:20I thought it was important.
00:23:21What's important, Melinda, is relationship.
00:23:25Sit in my chair.
00:23:28In order for things to run smoothly around here,
00:23:31we have to be team players, you and me.
00:23:34All for one and one for all.
00:23:36There's no getting around that.
00:23:37You agree?
00:23:38Yes, I agree.
00:23:39We're America's team, the Department of Defense.
00:23:42We're like the Dallas Cowboys.
00:23:43I'm the quarterback, and you're a tight end.
00:23:49We have to know each other's every move.
00:23:51In order for us to execute, we have to be in complete synchronization.
00:23:57Two bodies moving as one.
00:24:00You follow?
00:24:01Yes.
00:24:02Good.
00:24:03Very good.
00:24:04Then you understand, I'm calling the signals then.
00:24:06Well, you're the boss.
00:24:07When I hand the ball off to you, you take it, right?
00:24:10Right.
00:24:10Now, you need to get a firm grip.
00:24:13Oh, yeah.
00:24:14A firm grip.
00:24:17And no fumbling, you understand?
00:24:19I've never been a fumbler.
00:24:20Well, check the files.
00:24:21Well, forget the files!
00:24:23I'm talking about the game.
00:24:25I'm talking about ball handling.
00:24:27Sir.
00:24:28Ball handling.
00:24:29I'm calling the signals now.
00:24:32I'm one.
00:24:33I'm two.
00:24:34I'm three.
00:24:34No!
00:24:34No!
00:24:37No!
00:24:38Oh.
00:24:40Two and left.
00:24:41Two and right.
00:24:43Two and left.
00:24:45Two and right.
00:24:47Good.
00:24:48Take it over.
00:24:49Two, three and four.
00:24:52And left.
00:24:53Two, three and four.
00:24:56And right.
00:24:57Oh!
00:24:58How about Chinese tonight?
00:25:00Mmm!
00:25:01Yum!
00:25:01Yum!
00:25:02Is that okay with you, Melinda?
00:25:04Yeah, fine.
00:25:05Can I ask you guys a question?
00:25:07Sure.
00:25:08When do people work around here?
00:25:11What do you mean?
00:25:12I don't know.
00:25:14I've been on the job almost a week, and I've done next to nothing.
00:25:17I mean, I've reorganized the files, updated the Rolodex, ordered supplies, but mostly I've spent my time fending off the sex maniac I work for.
00:25:27What did you expect to do?
00:25:29I don't know.
00:25:30Something.
00:25:31Relax, Melinda.
00:25:32You're not running the government.
00:25:36I don't think anyone is running the government.
00:25:38I don't think anyone is running the government.
00:25:38I don't think anyone is running the government.
00:26:05Oh, my God.
00:26:35Oh, my God.
00:26:45Oh, my God.
00:26:51What can I do?
00:26:59Please stop. Please stop.
00:27:00Oh, please stop.
00:27:02Oh, no, no.
00:27:07Oh, please. Please stop.
00:27:09Yes.
00:27:09Oh, please.
00:27:11Oh, my God.
00:27:41That's right, Strongs. Wiped out.
00:27:49Every bit of information we had on Russia's defense system is gone.
00:27:52Everything?
00:27:53The whole kit and caboodle.
00:27:54How many nukes submarines they have in the Atlantic?
00:27:57How many missiles they have deployed in Eastern Europe?
00:27:59Oh, I could go on and on.
00:28:01Go on.
00:28:02Hey, there's a spy in our midst, Strongs.
00:28:04A spy?
00:28:05A clever, ruthless, clever traitor.
00:28:07Honey, you said clever twice.
00:28:08Of course I did.
00:28:09When you're dealing with someone as unscrupulous as this,
00:28:11you can't use the word clever too often.
00:28:14Now, listen, Strong.
00:28:16This is top secret.
00:28:17There must be no leaks.
00:28:19Absolute confidentiality.
00:28:20Hey, that's good.
00:28:21I like that.
00:28:23Absolute confidentiality.
00:28:25Zoey.
00:28:26Right on.
00:28:27I hear that somebody wiped clean the master computer last night.
00:28:31No kidding.
00:28:33That's right.
00:28:34Took off all the information they had on the defense of Russia.
00:28:38Damn.
00:28:39Who did they think did it?
00:28:40A clever, ruthless, clever traitor.
00:28:44Hey, what's happening?
00:28:45I don't know.
00:28:46Hey, you know, when I found out that it was your typewriter that was messed up, I had it fixed just right.
00:28:57That's great.
00:28:59You hear what happened to the master computer?
00:29:01No.
00:29:01What?
00:29:04Some spy broke in and erased all the information we had on Russia's defense.
00:29:09That's terrible.
00:29:10Shh.
00:29:14Absolute confidentiality.
00:29:19Hey, you know, uh, if you type right up in the future, give me a call.
00:29:25Hey, Melinda.
00:29:26Oh, Debbie, I just heard the most horrible news.
00:29:29Some Russian spy broke into the computer room and erased our master defense file.
00:29:33I know.
00:29:34My manicurist told me that this morning.
00:29:36Forget it.
00:29:36There's nothing we can do about it.
00:29:37I just met the most delicious man.
00:29:41What?
00:29:41He was waiting in my office to see Captain Drysdale.
00:29:44He's a major.
00:29:45Just returned from West Germany.
00:29:47He runs the PX in an army camp in Frankfurt.
00:29:50He's been married eight years and has two children, but he's going to leave his wife.
00:29:53He's not happy.
00:29:54She's frigid.
00:29:55Hasn't had an orgasm in years, and it's driving him crazy.
00:29:58She's also a terrible housekeeper.
00:30:00And every time he comes home from work, her hair's in curlers and she's in a house dress.
00:30:04He's a Taurus, and we both hit it off terrifically.
00:30:06We both like to swim and ski and take long walks in the country and go...
00:30:09You found all this out while he was waiting in your office?
00:30:13Well, Drysdale was five minutes late for his appointment.
00:30:16Huh.
00:30:17Honestly, Debbie, sometimes I just can't believe you.
00:30:21Yes?
00:30:22I want to dictate something, Melinda.
00:30:24Great.
00:30:25I'll be right there.
00:30:25Uh, well, I'll talk to you later at the gym, if you haven't eloped by then.
00:30:39Now, get this right.
00:30:40This is very important.
00:30:42This goes to the Chief, Public Information Office, the Pentagon.
00:30:46Dear Colonel Rogers, the All-Army Swimming Championships cannot be held at Camp Drummond this year since they have no pool.
00:30:55In view of this fact, the Army has decided to switch the championships to Fort Culver, where they do have a pool.
00:31:03Uh, Lieutenant, I... I can't concentrate when you do that.
00:31:08Concentrate on the team, Melinda.
00:31:09The team.
00:31:10Do you want me to read this back to you?
00:31:12No.
00:31:14It's vital that this change be implemented, so the proper participation among our soldiers can be achieved.
00:31:19Ha ha!
00:31:21I think that underneath this dress looks a terrific body, soft and firm to the touch.
00:31:25Woo!
00:31:26Lieutenant Cranston!
00:31:28I was hired here as a secretary.
00:31:31Oh, yes.
00:31:31Now, according to my job description, I type, take dictation, file, answer the phone, and do other routine office work.
00:31:38Now, kissing and feeling me up, do not fall into that category.
00:31:45Oh!
00:31:47When you're ready to finish this letter, I'll be outside.
00:31:57Ah!
00:31:59Damn!
00:31:59Damn!
00:31:59I heard Paul is very upset with you.
00:32:10Upset with me?
00:32:11I'm furious with him.
00:32:12Well, Melinda, you've got to watch your steps.
00:32:14A job like yours is very tough to get and easy to lose.
00:32:17You know what he did?
00:32:19Right in the middle of dictating a letter, he started to grab me.
00:32:22He can grab me anytime.
00:32:24He's like a big, cute teddy bear.
00:32:25Cheryl, this is my job.
00:32:27I can't work like that.
00:32:29He's my boss, not my boyfriend.
00:32:32Oh, I've never run into anything like this anywhere.
00:32:36Melinda, this isn't just anywhere.
00:32:38This is the tackle of the United States.
00:32:40Yeah.
00:32:46You won't need your pad.
00:32:49Melinda, there's some duties I don't think you understand.
00:32:52It's not only making coffee, it's making it.
00:32:54Will there be anything else, sir?
00:32:57Yes.
00:32:59Take all your clothes off now.
00:33:01What?
00:33:03Te-hut!
00:33:05Pull in!
00:33:06Reset arms!
00:33:08Repeat.
00:33:10Pull in!
00:33:11Reset arms!
00:33:14About face!
00:33:15I'll have you caught, Marshall!
00:33:17Lieutenant Cranston prefers that you not finish out the week.
00:33:35So if you'll just go down to the cashier, you can pick up your check.
00:33:38Miss Perkins, I'd like to explain.
00:33:40That isn't necessary.
00:33:41It wasn't my fault.
00:33:43It never is, is it?
00:33:45Now that will be all.
00:33:49I'll take the key to the washroom, if you don't mind.
00:33:54I'll just go get it.
00:34:06Ta-da!
00:34:08Cheryl, is that the way you went to work this morning?
00:34:11No, silly, this is my costume for the party this weekend.
00:34:14I'm just breaking it in.
00:34:16What are you talking about?
00:34:18The masquerade party for Casey, Hubble, and Smith.
00:34:21Who are they?
00:34:21God, I have to explain everything.
00:34:23Those are the three dead guys who our lawyers work for.
00:34:27Incidentally, Michael's head is healed and he's willing to forgive you.
00:34:30Oh, what a sport.
00:34:32Tell him to go chase an ambulance.
00:34:34What's the matter with her?
00:34:35She was fired today.
00:34:36Why?
00:34:37Wouldn't you play prisoner of war with him?
00:34:39Prisoner of war?
00:34:41Sure, he plays that game with all of his secretaries.
00:34:43It's the only way the lieutenant can come to attention.
00:34:49Anyhow, you gotta come to the party Friday night.
00:34:52It'll get your mind off everything.
00:34:54I gotta go chase.
00:34:54Darlene, I think I just figured a way to get your job back without playing ball with him.
00:35:10What?
00:35:10Hire the three dead lawyers to file a sexual harassment suit?
00:35:14Oh, come on.
00:35:15The one thing Lieutenant Cranston cannot relate to is the girl coming on to him.
00:35:19He's gotta be Mr. Macho Aggressor all the time or he just freaks out.
00:35:23If you chase after him, he will go as limp as a wet dishrag just to harm this little puppy dog.
00:35:31I can't do that, Debbie.
00:35:32That's not in my nature.
00:35:34Okay, Melinda, suit yourself.
00:35:36But while you're on the unemployment line, give it a second thought.
00:35:43How do you know he can't stand being chased after?
00:35:47Trust me, I know.
00:35:50I can't say this.
00:35:53I could never in a million years say things like this.
00:35:56It's not me.
00:35:57Then just pretend you're someone else like Mata Hari or Ome West.
00:36:02I can't do that.
00:36:03You can do it.
00:36:04I can't.
00:36:05You've got to.
00:36:06Do you want your job back?
00:36:08Yes.
00:36:09Do you want to help the Pentagon and your country?
00:36:12Yes.
00:36:12And do you want to give that snake in the grass Cranston a taste of his own medicine?
00:36:17Yes.
00:36:17Yes, then you can do it.
00:36:19I can do it.
00:36:23Give it to him.
00:36:40Hello?
00:36:59Hello?
00:37:00Hello.
00:37:01Is this Lieutenant Cranston?
00:37:03Yes, it is.
00:37:03I have a collect obscene phone call for you.
00:37:08Will you accept the charges?
00:37:09Is this a joke?
00:37:11No.
00:37:12No joke.
00:37:13Is it good obscene or bad obscene?
00:37:15Ah.
00:37:17Wonderful obscene.
00:37:20I accept.
00:37:20I'd like to slowly undress you.
00:37:28And as I do, I'd like to run my tongue all over you.
00:37:36Mm-hmm.
00:37:36Your shoulders, your chest, lick my way down your stomach, and then, just as you think I'm
00:37:48going to take it in my mouth, I'm going to go right past it.
00:37:54But don't worry, I'm going to lick my way down your leg, sucking your toes, and then lick up
00:38:09the other leg, and just as you're about to explode, I'm going to put my mouth right on it, and take
00:38:25everything you've got.
00:38:28Is that all you can say?
00:38:35Um, uh, uh, uh, who is this?
00:38:41It's Melinda, your former secretary.
00:38:44Former?
00:38:45Mm-hmm.
00:38:46Please, uh, report to the office tomorrow at, at, at, at nine.
00:38:52I can't wait.
00:38:55I'll see you then, big boy.
00:38:58Ciao.
00:39:00Bye.
00:39:10Bye.
00:39:11Bye.
00:39:18Dear diary, goodbye for now.
00:39:22It's been nice confiding in you all these years, but I have a feeling I'm going to be awfully busy.
00:39:27Things are a real mess here in Washington, and tomorrow, I'm going to start trying to clean
00:39:32things up around here.
00:41:03Is that all you can say?
00:41:07And I thought you found me a tractor.
00:41:09You're not playing fair.
00:41:13What?
00:41:13Did I do something wrong?
00:41:15I'm the quarterback.
00:41:16Remember, I have to call the signals.
00:41:18Okay.
00:41:19Okay.
00:41:20You're the quarterback.
00:41:22Call the signals.
00:41:23I'm waiting for you to hand off the ball.
00:41:26No, you're not listening.
00:41:28You don't understand.
00:41:29I can't play this way.
00:41:31I have to call the signals.
00:41:33It's my game and we have to play it my way.
00:41:35Sit down.
00:41:37What?
00:41:37I said, sit down.
00:41:39That's an order, lieutenant.
00:41:43Now, you have correspondence here dating back to 1968.
00:41:52That's disgraceful.
00:41:53Let's get some work done.
00:42:00Well, I...
00:42:02Okay.
00:42:05I'll see you next time.
00:42:06Bye.
00:42:07Bye.
00:42:08Bye.
00:42:09Bye.
00:42:10Bye.
00:42:11Bye.
00:42:12Bye.
00:42:13Bye.
00:42:14Bye.
00:42:15Bye.
00:42:16Bye.
00:42:17Bye.
00:42:18Bye.
00:42:19Bye.
00:42:20Bye.
00:42:21Bye.
00:42:22Bye.
00:42:23Bye.
00:42:24Bye.
00:42:25Bye.
00:42:26Bye.
00:42:27Bye.
00:42:28Bye.
00:42:29Bye.
00:42:30Bye.
00:42:31Bye.
00:42:32Bye.
00:42:33I've had it!
00:42:55No more!
00:42:57We're almost done with last year's correspondence.
00:43:03I'm going to play my game, my favorite game.
00:43:32Prisoner of War.
00:43:33Oh, this is Prisoner of War. Right.
00:43:36That's right. And you're going to love it.
00:43:39I am?
00:43:40That's right.
00:43:41You've just been captured by a band of treacherous Middle Eastern guerrillas.
00:43:46I have.
00:43:46That's right.
00:43:47As the anti-terrorist head of operations for Interpol, I'm going on a search-and-destroy mission to rescue you.
00:43:55Oh, no.
00:43:56Oh, no.
00:43:57Oh!
00:43:59Oh!
00:44:01Oh!
00:44:02Oh!
00:44:08Okay, big boy.
00:44:11Let's see if you can really do it.
00:44:14Start count to 50.
00:44:22One Mississippi, two Mississippi, three Mississippi.
00:44:3448 Mississippi, 49 Mississippi, 50 Mississippi.
00:44:44Breaker 10-4. This is Big C. Come in, Melinda. Are you there? Are you there?
00:45:00Yes, Lieutenant. Oh, you've got to help me.
00:45:04They're doing such terrible things to me.
00:45:06Oh, they're violating me.
00:45:10Oh, don't let them.
00:45:12I can't help it. Oh, Lieutenant, you'd better hurry or it's going to be too late.
00:45:19I'm coming, Melinda. Help is on the way.
00:45:22Branson, to the rescue. Where are you?
00:45:26Oh, Lieutenant, they're doing it to me. Not so hard.
00:45:31Oh, I can't take it anymore.
00:45:34Oh, Lieutenant, hurry. They're torturing me.
00:45:37No, no, don't let them.
00:45:40Where are you?
00:45:41Oh, you've got to come, Lieutenant.
00:45:44I'm down, downstairs.
00:45:48Downstairs.
00:45:49You got it, Lieutenant?
00:45:50Yes, do it to me.
00:45:52Oh, yes, yes.
00:45:54No!
00:45:57I'll kill those sculptors.
00:45:59I'll kill them.
00:46:00Kill them!
00:46:01Oh, yes, security.
00:46:11There seems to be a minor disturbance on the third floor.
00:46:14I think you'd better check it out.
00:46:16Yeah, okay.
00:46:16Oh, my God.
00:46:23Son of a bitch.
00:46:25Coat red, coat red.
00:46:27Hit the gun, man!
00:46:29Kill them, he killed!
00:46:31Get that, you healing and defiling bastards!
00:46:33Oh, come on!
00:47:01Close, quickly!
00:47:03Cover me.
00:47:04Spread out!
00:47:08Put down your gun and come out with your hands in the air.
00:47:11That's how you release my secretary.
00:47:13I want my secretary!
00:47:15We got a live one here.
00:47:16Bring up a straight jacket.
00:47:17Throw down your weapons and release my secretary, I said.
00:47:19You throw down your weapon, and we throw down ours.
00:47:23I don't negotiate with terrorists.
00:47:25This is my game.
00:47:26We throw yours down first.
00:47:28What if we both throw down our weapons at the same time?
00:47:32Okay.
00:47:34All right.
00:47:36I'll count to three, and we throw them both down.
00:47:39Are you ready?
00:47:41Promise?
00:47:41We promise.
00:47:45Cross your hearts and hope to die?
00:47:48Cross our hearts and hope to die.
00:47:51Okay.
00:47:53One, two, three.
00:47:58I knew it!
00:47:59I knew it, you liars!
00:48:00You cheaters!
00:48:02Are you really going to get it?
00:48:04Oh, no.
00:48:06Let's get him.
00:48:07Come on!
00:48:08Oh!
00:48:09Ow!
00:48:10Get him!
00:48:11I work here!
00:48:12Hold it.
00:48:13No!
00:48:13Please!
00:48:14Let me go!
00:48:15He's crazy!
00:48:16I'm crazy!
00:48:17I'm not crazy!
00:48:18I'll tell you, I'm not crazy!
00:48:20We know that.
00:48:21You work for us, right?
00:48:22Right!
00:48:23My secretary's being sexually ballistic!
00:48:25Will you let me go?
00:48:26Hold it!
00:48:27We can talk about it down at the headquarters.
00:48:28Don't be too late!
00:48:30Melinda!
00:48:30I'll save you!
00:48:31Don't tell him anything!
00:48:34It's like a W-W-3
00:48:39When you make love to me
00:48:43It's a surefire victory
00:48:47Nice room.
00:48:55Two miles in the side, Ty.
00:48:58Three in the corner.
00:49:01Eight miles in the clear pocket.
00:49:03What about a Spartacus in the center pocket?
00:49:07Yeah!
00:49:12It's World War 3
00:49:14Oh!
00:49:19Excuse me!
00:49:19No, excuse me.
00:49:20Melinda!
00:49:21Is that you?
00:49:22Do I know you?
00:49:23Yeah, it's me, Michael.
00:49:24I'm Casey Emberland-Smith.
00:49:25Remember I told you half my life's story?
00:49:27Oh, right!
00:49:28Look, hey, Michael, I'm sorry about the foot pace.
00:49:30Excuse me.
00:49:31I have to go find Debbie.
00:49:32Uh, wait a minute.
00:49:34So we had our first fight.
00:49:35Big deal.
00:49:35Forget it, forget it, huh?
00:49:36You want to have dinner?
00:49:37You want to go for a jacuzzi?
00:49:39You want to hear the other half of my life's story?
00:49:43Debbie!
00:49:44I locked myself out of the apartment.
00:49:46I can't get in.
00:49:47Oh, Melinda, what are you doing here?
00:49:48Um, well, I kept cramps too late at the office.
00:49:51Hey, I love your costume.
00:49:53Hey!
00:49:54Oh, my God.
00:49:57And you've been running down to the ground.
00:50:01I've been hanging out in the house.
00:50:03Who is that?
00:50:04Oh, that's Major Magnus.
00:50:05He's in the Army Intelligence Office.
00:50:07Major, huh?
00:50:09Ah, I'll see you later, Debbie.
00:50:10Okay.
00:50:11Range.
00:50:14Oh.
00:50:15Excuse me.
00:50:21Excuse me.
00:50:22I don't mean to be forward.
00:50:23I think you are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen.
00:50:26Well, thank you very much.
00:50:27My name is Abdul Ali Fassad.
00:50:30Uh, pleased to meet you.
00:50:31I am a man of few words.
00:50:33I would be honored if you stayed with me after the party is over.
00:50:36I am a woman of few words.
00:50:38Forget it.
00:50:39I have more words I could speak.
00:50:41I will make a very worse.
00:50:42You're lying.
00:50:43Really?
00:50:43Yes, I could give you money, diamonds, yachts, carpets, anything.
00:50:50Let's do it, my darling.
00:50:52Before you get it all together.
00:50:53Not too long.
00:50:54Good.
00:50:54How long?
00:50:55About three years.
00:50:56Oh, three years?
00:50:57Well, the files are all disorganized.
00:50:59What about our spies in Russia?
00:51:01They're working on it.
00:51:01Oh, good.
00:51:02How long will that take?
00:51:03Uh, a couple of years.
00:51:05Oh, this is awful.
00:51:07What about our surveillance satellites in outer space?
00:51:09You see, the problem is you can't reprogram those things.
00:51:12However, we are working on a plan.
00:51:15Earn, we're going to send up a whole new satellite, and that bugger's going to give us everything
00:51:20we want.
00:51:21Oh, good.
00:51:21How long will that take?
00:51:23I'll figure a year for the launch and a couple of years to process the data.
00:51:26Oh, this is disaster.
00:51:28I know it.
00:51:28Oh, what's the Russians find out how vulnerable we are?
00:51:31There's no telling what they'll do.
00:51:33Oh, I'm not going to sleep tonight, that's for sure.
00:51:36Neither am I.
00:51:37Oh, it's times like these when I wish I weren't the responsible, responsible patriot that I am.
00:51:45You know, Aaron?
00:51:45Huh?
00:51:46You said responsible twice there.
00:51:47Well, of course I did.
00:51:49When you're dealing with someone as responsible as I am, you can't use the word responsible too often.
00:51:55Gotcha.
00:52:07Yes?
00:52:08Major?
00:52:12Major?
00:52:14Yeah?
00:52:15I have some confidential material for you.
00:52:19You do?
00:52:20Mm-hmm.
00:52:25How did you know?
00:52:32Major Magnum's office.
00:52:35This is Melinda, his new secretary.
00:52:36No!
00:52:38Well, the major is busy right now.
00:52:42Well, I can handle that issue.
00:52:44I have the proper security code.
00:52:55I'm sorry, Agent Blue Devil.
00:52:57That code is inoperative.
00:52:58Please check the security access code in your new data packet.
00:53:02Yes.
00:53:04I'll inform the major.
00:53:05Who are you?
00:53:08Sir, the press corps is here.
00:53:11Are you ready?
00:53:13Oh, yes.
00:53:15Oh, yes.
00:53:18I'll be right out.
00:53:21Right this way, please.
00:53:23Who goes there?
00:53:24The press corps, sir.
00:53:25Your 10 o'clock meeting.
00:53:26Uh, uh, 10 o'clock, uh, uh, I made a meeting.
00:53:31I mean, I mean, I'd be happy to, uh, start the meeting.
00:53:37Major Magnum, is it true the Pentagon has lost vital military secrets on Russia?
00:53:41Oh, secrets?
00:53:42I have no secrets.
00:53:44Major, if there's something going on under the table, we want to know about it.
00:53:47Uh, oh, no, no, there's nothing.
00:53:48There's nothing under my table.
00:53:50Oh, you're taking this very hard, Major.
00:53:52Is there something eating you?
00:53:53Oh, no, no, no.
00:53:54It's just an allergy.
00:53:55I'm, uh, I'll be all right.
00:53:57Ow!
00:53:57Major, in the last military cover-up, this country got sucked into something very big.
00:54:01Big!
00:54:02You're not terribly well-informed, Major.
00:54:04It appears that you officers are spending too much time behind your desk.
00:54:07Oh, no, no, no.
00:54:08I like it.
00:54:09I like it behind my desk.
00:54:10We came here to find out what happened at the Pentagon computer.
00:54:14Frankly, the boss in your court.
00:54:16Boss!
00:54:16What do you expect us to tell the American public?
00:54:19Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
00:54:21Can I quote that?
00:54:23God.
00:54:24I'm sorry, ladies and gentlemen.
00:54:26The Major is not feeling well today.
00:54:29Ah!
00:54:29He seems to be having a reaction to something.
00:54:32Oh!
00:54:34Perhaps to something that he ate.
00:54:36Now, by tomorrow afternoon, I should have a press release for you that should answer any questions you might have.
00:54:42Now, can you please see your way out?
00:54:46Oh!
00:54:47Come on!
00:54:47That's quite okay.
00:54:48Don't get up.
00:54:49We can see our way out.
00:54:51Gah!
00:54:58I'm calling for Melinda Griffin's office.
00:55:01Hold, please, for Melinda Griffin.
00:55:03We have Melinda's eyes ready.
00:55:06Melinda wants this type.
00:55:08Melinda wants the computer report.
00:55:12Here's the status report for Melinda.
00:55:15If you think you're going to change the way things work around here, young lady, you've got another guest coming.
00:55:22Miss Perkins.
00:55:22Now, if anybody does any hiring around here, or rehiring, it's me.
00:55:31I didn't know.
00:55:32There is a chain of command here, and I will not allow that chain to be broken.
00:55:37Colonel Bryan's office?
00:55:42Uh, no, he's busy right now, but I could handle that matter for you.
00:55:46The Pentagon has a standard operating procedure in regard to the hiring of personnel that has been worked out by the finest efficiency experts in the world.
00:55:55I'd rather not disturb, Brigadier General Drake.
00:56:01I'll speak with the Secretary of State.
00:56:04I warn you, young lady, don't ever do this again.
00:56:09Yes, Senator, we're aware that the Arms Committee needs that information.
00:56:14General Watson and I are on our way.
00:56:16Right.
00:56:20Perkins isn't going to like it.
00:56:22General Watson.
00:56:24I just can't believe how much you've accomplished at this place.
00:56:26Well, you could do the same thing, too, Debbie, if you wanted to.
00:56:29I don't know.
00:56:31Maybe someday.
00:56:36Why don't you look where you're going, you jerk?
00:56:39Hey, who's calling who a jerk?
00:56:40You weren't even looking.
00:56:41I was the one who was backing out first.
00:56:43Wrong.
00:56:43I was backing out.
00:56:44Melinda, would you please tell this bozo whose fault it was?
00:56:47I don't know.
00:56:47I didn't see it.
00:56:49Don't I know you from somewhere?
00:56:50Oh, knock it off, Buster.
00:56:52She wasn't born yesterday.
00:56:54Ashtabula.
00:56:54Right.
00:56:55Ashtabula.
00:56:55Ashtabula?
00:56:57Yeah, how you doing?
00:56:58Fine.
00:56:58How about you?
00:56:59What are you doing here at the Pentagon?
00:57:00She referees car accidents.
00:57:02Now, may I see your license, please?
00:57:04I work here.
00:57:04No kidding.
00:57:05That's great.
00:57:06You know, I was hoping I'd run into you.
00:57:07Well, you sure did.
00:57:08And you're going to pay for the damage, Bill Slater.
00:57:12Yeah, that's right.
00:57:13Bill Slater.
00:57:14You know something?
00:57:15You look a bit familiar yourself.
00:57:16Oh, it really was my fault.
00:57:19There was no damage.
00:57:20Come on, Melinda.
00:57:21We'll be late for the opera.
00:57:22Opera?
00:57:23Debbie, we don't have tickets.
00:57:24Debbie Ross.
00:57:24You know Debbie?
00:57:25Yeah.
00:57:26She was the one who took off in the Corvette with my pin.
00:57:29Debbie!
00:57:30Well, I've been meaning to give that pin back to you.
00:57:32Hey, that's okay.
00:57:33Keep the pin.
00:57:34And I'd love to go out with you, Bill, but I have a date now.
00:57:36Well, that's all right.
00:57:37I've got a date with Melinda tonight.
00:57:39You do?
00:57:39We do.
00:57:40We're only strangers, like all the strangers passing by, we've only met along the way, and yet we
00:58:01We have so much to say.
00:58:02We have so much to say.
00:58:03Must be, must be the night.
00:58:06Must be, must be the night.
00:58:11Can't be, can't be so bright.
00:58:15It can't be you and it can't be me.
00:58:20Must be the night.
00:58:25I don't hear the passing cars and all the streetlights look like stars.
00:58:41Must be, must be, must be the night.
00:58:47Must be, must be the night.
00:58:53I had a wonderful time.
00:58:55So did I.
00:58:56I'm glad we bumped into each other again.
00:58:57Me too.
00:58:59What about a nightcap?
00:59:01A cup of coffee?
00:59:03I don't think so.
00:59:04It's awful late, and we both have to work tomorrow.
00:59:07Yeah.
00:59:07Hey, I like you.
00:59:12I want to know you better.
00:59:22Will you call me?
00:59:24Yeah.
00:59:26You'll be disappointed if you don't.
00:59:27I'll call.
00:59:29Good night.
00:59:31Good night.
00:59:37General Kane?
00:59:55Oh, thank God you were able to come.
00:59:57I don't have anyone else to turn to.
00:59:59What's the problem, sir?
01:00:00This is a matter of the most vital importance to the security of our country.
01:00:04Really?
01:00:04Now, according to our records, you are the most capable and trustworthy employee in the entire Pentagon.
01:00:11Well, thank you, sir.
01:00:12Now, you can't read the word of what I'm about to tell you.
01:00:15This is top-secret information, Miss Griffin.
01:00:26Well, you can trust me, sir.
01:00:27I won't tell a soul.
01:00:29About two months ago, a spy entered our computer room and completely wiped out the most sensitive tape we have on Russia's defense system.
01:00:39Yeah, that's terrible.
01:00:40I heard about that from the typewriter repairman.
01:00:42The typewriter repairman knows!
01:00:44Yes, and the press corps has been asking questions.
01:00:46The press!
01:00:46Oh, oh, oh, the press!
01:00:48General!
01:00:49Oh, oh, oh, oh!
01:00:50General!
01:00:52Oh, you don't need to do that, General!
01:00:54Oh, oh, oh!
01:00:55Oh, I, I, I'm in trouble, Miss Griffin, deep trouble.
01:00:57I need help.
01:00:59Help?
01:01:00Sir, yes, sir.
01:01:02Just sit back, sir, and relax, and we'll figure this out.
01:01:06Just sit back.
01:01:08Oh, oh, oh, oh, my God.
01:01:10Twenty-eight years in the service.
01:01:14I was up for another star.
01:01:16Oh, my gosh, sir, no.
01:01:19I've got it, sir.
01:01:20Now, listen to me.
01:01:22You get me an invitation to the party tomorrow night for the Russian ambassador.
01:01:27Oh, of course, anything.
01:01:29Oh, oh, thank you.
01:01:30Thank you, thank you.
01:01:32Yes, sir.
01:01:33Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
01:01:40Well, Boris, you're looking very fit.
01:01:49General, where have you been keeping this beautiful woman?
01:01:52Allow me to introduce Miss Melinda Griffin.
01:01:54Melinda, this is Boris Nabokov, the Soviet ambassador.
01:01:57It is indeed a great pleasure to receive a magnificent creature such as you.
01:02:02Good afternoon, ambassador.
01:02:04And this is my secretary, Tanya.
01:02:05Her last name is so long, you haven't got time to hear it.
01:02:08Nice to meet you.
01:02:09nice talking off the record boris is it true you fellas are scared to death to bring the bolshoi
01:02:13ballet over here for fear of mass defections huh come on please today no business today's a day for
01:02:18pleasure i feel that soviet american relations may just step forward boris i want you to meet
01:02:26a great friend of mine her to stafford very exciting chess player nice to meet you i see
01:02:34my boss is the thing for you you speak english so nicely and also french hebrew moroccan italian
01:02:41sign language and body language and you're just his secretary and also political advisor astrologer
01:02:48cook masseuse tennis instructor and sex counselor sex counselor all soviet diplomats have a sex
01:02:56counselor you mean to tell me you do not perform such services for your country oh well i frequently
01:03:02give tips but uh strictly under the table you understand so you give a good tip
01:03:10we have much in common i think we should get to know each other better melinda yes sure
01:03:16now let's be honest boys even if you people agree to dismantle your middle range missiles aimed at
01:03:21western europe you still have your long range missiles in russia which could easily accomplish
01:03:26the same thing now you can't deny that yeah yeah yeah of course of course what of course yeah yeah yeah
01:03:33you mean you agree with us i agree oh i agree with me then why can't you accept our zero option
01:03:40plan if you agree yeah if you agree why don't you just accept our zero option plan does melinda agree to
01:03:46zero option huh oh i think she would make any sacrifice to achieve that result she's a great patriot boris
01:03:54then zero schmerow i'm all for it oh good you mean that you're willing to dismantle your kingfish and
01:04:02savage missiles in europe if we do likewise oh i'll speak to the premier tonight oh yeah yeah yeah but
01:04:08this i have to i have to i have to see what melinda has to say excuse me will you
01:04:20melinda i have prepared to end the cold war for you well hello there ambassador melinda was just
01:04:27telling me about the efficiency at the pentagon it is as bad as at the kremlin i'm proposing to you
01:04:35prepared to end the cold war for you now you're teasing me that's hardly fair i'm being serious
01:04:43come to bermuda with me tonight and maybe we get rid of those silly missiles in europe
01:04:49oh that really isn't possible i have to go to work tomorrow oh i told you american
01:04:57christians are not so forward let's not go to bermuda let's go over to my place listen why don't i give
01:05:09you my number and you call me and uh we'll go to breakfast do you have something i could write on oh
01:05:15if comrade khrushchev had laid eyes on you he would never have built the burning war
01:05:29do i look okay fantastic you look great melinda now go all right no it's just i think bill is
01:05:45really special i always did think bill was cute where's he taking you sightseeing that's a date
01:05:52you know cheryl there are some women who really enjoy just being with a man without making him spend
01:05:59a lot of money yeah i used to be one bye if the ambassador calls be sure and take a message bye bye bye
01:06:10you think lester would take me sightseeing
01:06:28i forgot where i was going ever since you came away so take my hand and let me lead you
01:06:40the night it's only you and it's only me
01:07:00must be the night
01:07:02we're only
01:07:12we're only lovers like all the lovers passing by it seems like only yesterday and yet i know you're here to stay
01:07:22it's only you and it's only me
01:07:36must be the night
01:07:38must be must be the night
01:07:40must be must be the night
01:07:42come on the store's closing in 20 minutes okay i just got to get my
01:08:12briefcase and put it in the trunk
01:08:26but oh
01:08:32we can get a watch for the night
01:08:36here's the night
01:08:38let me go
01:08:40let me go
01:08:42keep going
01:08:44let me go
01:08:46let me go
01:08:48Good evening, Melinda. I'm glad you could make it.
01:08:58Now, first, Melinda, I would like you to satisfy my voyeuristic tendencies, if you don't mind.
01:09:06Would you please take off your shoes and show me your toes?
01:09:11I don't think so, Your Excellency.
01:09:15Oh, please, we don't stand on ceremonies. Call me Boris.
01:09:22How about showing me your shoulders?
01:09:25No chance, Boris.
01:09:30How about your belly button?
01:09:32What kind of a girl do you think I am?
01:09:35I think we're going to get on famously together, Melinda.
01:09:40You've got that ball.
01:09:45Oh, it's my at-home outfit. How do you like it, eh?
01:09:51It's charming.
01:09:55Would you like to have a lot of people watching you when you are in duress?
01:09:59I could ring for my staff.
01:10:00Oh, no, no. Thank you. Thank you.
01:10:02Ah. Now, how you say we get down to what you say? Nitty-gritty!
01:10:12You're a fast mover, Boris.
01:10:15I hope you can satisfy me. You see, I have a confession to make. No American man has ever been able to satisfy me.
01:10:28Oh, such a shame. Americans are such pansies. They've no staying power.
01:10:33That's sad, but true.
01:10:35You see, American men can do it for maybe two, three hours at a time.
01:10:41Where I hear a true Russian Cossack can nitty-gritty it for up to ten, eleven hours without stopping.
01:10:51You look like a Cossack to me, Boris.
01:10:54How many hours did you say?
01:10:57Well, it's not just the hours. I mean, volume and range count, too, you know?
01:11:03Volume and range?
01:11:06Well, that shouldn't be any problem for you.
01:11:09From what I understand, all Russkies are hung like tanks.
01:11:15Well, maybe not quite, but hammers and sickles, maybe.
01:11:24Well, not to worry. I'm sure you'll live up to the reputation to your fullest.
01:11:39That was my next point, Captain.
01:11:41I think it's within the realm of possibility she's been kidnapped by the Russians.
01:11:45Admittedly, it's a distinct possibility.
01:11:47Not necessarily, General.
01:11:49Because it's also a distinct possibility that these men were merely impersonating Russians.
01:11:55In an effort to place all the blame on her.
01:11:58I get the avocado and tomato with a side of slaw.
01:12:01There can be no publicity on this until we're absolutely sure who's responsible.
01:12:06Now, this is tuna. I ordered ham and Swiss.
01:12:10I would like to see the eighth wonder of the world.
01:12:16Take off your clothes, please.
01:12:19I don't come cheap, Boris.
01:12:22Well, name your price.
01:12:24A secret.
01:12:26But if you don't tell me, I will not know.
01:12:28The secret is what you tell me.
01:12:30Tell you? I don't understand.
01:12:33If I take off this blouse, you'll see the most scrumptious little breasts you've ever laid eyes on.
01:12:43Oh, take it off, please, Sergeant.
01:12:46How many nuclear submarines do you have in the Atlantic Ocean?
01:12:50Well, that's a secret. I can't tell you.
01:12:52Oh.
01:12:56Oh, I understand. Oh, no, no, no, no, I can't tell you.
01:13:00My lips are sealed.
01:13:02How sealed are they?
01:13:04Very sealed.
01:13:06Are they, uh, loosening up?
01:13:10Not one bit.
01:13:13Now, it is possible, sir, that this girl might, um, have some secret information.
01:13:18After all, she worked in very sensitive areas in the Pentagon.
01:13:20May not be the Russians at all.
01:13:22Could be a jealous lover.
01:13:24Or just a plain old flesh fiend.
01:13:27As I take off these panties, you're going to see a pair of legs that won't stop until they reach you know where.
01:13:40Oh, I'd like to see them very, very much.
01:13:44What is the location of the radar station that tracks our stealth bomber?
01:13:49I can't tell you that. Not over on my dead body.
01:13:54No?
01:13:56Never.
01:13:58Uh, radar.
01:14:03The new high security installation.
01:14:07Uh, stealth bomber.
01:14:13Where is it?
01:14:18Here they go.
01:14:22Yakutsk, Siberia.
01:14:26General.
01:14:27Huh?
01:14:28Wait a minute. I think she might be a plant by the Russians?
01:14:31And they decided to discard the whole operation?
01:14:33And just get her out of the country?
01:14:34Are you serious?
01:14:35This has mayonnaise on it.
01:14:37I said I don't want any mayonnaise.
01:14:39I hate mayonnaise.
01:14:41I want to know the security access code for the Kremlin military computer.
01:14:47Oh, no, you've gone too far.
01:14:50I could endure all kinds of torture.
01:14:53Divided by today's state and multiplied by Karl Marx's birthday.
01:14:58It could be that she's a spy for the CIA.
01:15:01And the Russians have found that out.
01:15:03And they're holding her a hostage for ransom.
01:15:07And they want to exchange her for one of the Russian spies that we're holding.
01:15:11Russian spies, aren't we?
01:15:13Yes.
01:15:14But none with big tits.
01:15:18Now for gritty nitty, huh?
01:15:24I, uh, I like to get warm before nitty gritty.
01:15:30My toys.
01:15:31Oh, good.
01:15:32Let's play.
01:15:34And what will your pleasure be?
01:15:37I think I like these.
01:15:40I love my men wearing handcuffs while we do it.
01:15:46Oh, American women can be so kinky.
01:15:49Now for the chase.
01:15:51Come on.
01:15:52Come on.
01:15:53Horace!
01:15:54You better run.
01:15:55You're nuts.
01:15:56We'll tame you.
01:15:59Come to me, my little Tsarina.
01:16:02No, Boris.
01:16:03What happened to free love?
01:16:06That's how I like it.
01:16:10Western capitalism dies hard now.
01:16:14All right.
01:16:16All right, Boris.
01:16:17Nitty gritty it is.
01:16:19Nitty gritty.
01:16:20Yes, yes, yes.
01:16:22Nitty gritty.
01:16:23Nitty gritty.
01:16:24Nitty gritty.
01:16:25Nitty gritty.
01:16:26Oh, yes.
01:16:27Hey!
01:16:28What are you doing?
01:16:29I'm going home.
01:16:30Good night.
01:16:31Help me.
01:16:32Help me.
01:16:33Please.
01:16:34Good morning, gentlemen.
01:16:35Here it is.
01:16:36I stayed up rather late last night doing research.
01:16:43And my friends helped me type up in triplicate all the information that was lost from our computer.
01:16:49Furthermore, we've devised a strategic plan of operations for the dismantling of the Russian radar system that tracks our stealth bomber.
01:17:04This maneuver will be 100% effective with no endangerment of our personnel and no chance of nuclear retaliation by the Soviet Union.
01:17:17Our target gentlemen?
01:17:18Yakutsk Siberia.
01:17:19Yakutsk Siberia.
01:17:20Dimitri.
01:17:21Dimitri.
01:17:22Dimitri.
01:17:23Dimitri?
01:17:24Is that all you have to say?
01:17:25Dimitri?
01:17:26Dimitri?
01:17:27Can't you think of anything else?
01:17:29Seven years.
01:17:30Nine months and 22 days.
01:17:31Please, don't remind me.
01:17:32Seven years, nine months and 22 days without seeing a woman And 11 hours.
01:17:54Don't keep telling...
01:17:57Come on, keep that... What's that?
01:18:01It's probably penguin or something.
01:18:03Penguin, that is not.
01:18:05Maybe koala bear. I'm having room.
01:18:12Uh-oh. We're in trouble here, Vladimir.
01:18:15Let me see closer. This is invasion.
01:18:19Paratroopers everywhere.
01:18:22Great Lenin's ghost! We must be dead, Vladimir.
01:18:26There are angels landing everywhere.
01:18:29Oh, my God. What's happening?
01:18:31This is what we've been dreaming about, Vladimir.
01:18:33Are we being attacked?
01:18:34Look at the bobskies on this one.
01:18:36Let me see.
01:18:37Oh, the sky is full of them.
01:18:39You told of yourself, comrade.
01:18:40I have a hold of myself.
01:18:41Give it to me.
01:18:42That's the problem.
01:18:43Please, please, please, Dimitri.
01:18:46I want to see. I want to see.
01:18:49Oh, my God.
01:18:51Vladimir, let me have it back again.
01:18:53Look at this one. I must look again.
01:18:55I get the blonde.
01:18:56Vladimir.
01:18:57She's smiling at me.
01:18:58Get your hands off there, Vladimir.
01:18:59I break your knuckles.
01:19:00I think she loves me, Dimitri.
01:19:01Oh, America, the beautiful.
01:19:03What should we do? Shall we fall in?
01:19:05No.
01:19:06Better to make personal investigation.
01:19:08I quit.
01:19:09Yes.
01:19:10Me too.
01:19:11Good evening.
01:19:12In the news tonight, Pentagon officials report that a covert, non-aggressive action known
01:19:19only as Operation Sky Beaver has been highly effective.
01:19:24Apparently, radar operators all over the Soviet Union have mysteriously abandoned their posts,
01:19:31many asking for permanent leave of absence.
01:19:34This just in, in a seemingly unrelated but surprise bulletin from the White House, the President
01:19:41has asked Congress to approve a new Cabinet official.
01:19:44It looks like we may have our first woman as Secretary of Defense.
01:19:49.
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