- 2 hours ago
An aspiring actor (Matthew Modine) and his girlfriend (Catherine Keener) handle life's frustrations, while his friend seeks fulfillment with a blonde (Daryl Hannah).
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Short filmTranscript
00:00:00Come on, buddy. Be careful. Watch out for that glass.
00:00:18Mmm. What the hell is wrong with people? Huh, buddy?
00:00:23Doesn't it seem like everybody's getting stupider and stupider?
00:00:26They have to be breakin' somebody's window. Huh, buddy?
00:00:31Are you listenin' to me? I know what you're thinkin' about. You just wanna eat.
00:00:38Let's go now, cause I gotta get to work.
00:00:42You hold on to that ball.
00:00:44What do you think you're gonna have for breakfast this morning, huh?
00:00:49Bacon and eggs?
00:00:51You wish.
00:00:56What are you? A cat or a rabbit?
00:01:02Kitty cat.
00:01:03Uh-huh.
00:01:05You're a rabbit. A fuzzy-headed little rabbit.
00:01:09Mmm.
00:01:12You got a hard-on.
00:01:13No, I don't.
00:01:14You do, too.
00:01:15Mary, don't you think I'd know it if I had a hard-on?
00:01:19And what's this?
00:01:20That's a carrot I could keep to feed the little rabbit with.
00:01:26Come on, Joe. Stop.
00:01:28I don't have time. We'll do it tonight, okay?
00:01:30Okay. If that's what you want, I'll stop.
00:01:33Oh, all right, quick. Get the rubber carrot, boy.
00:01:40Well, let's just do it without you.
00:01:42No. Come on, I don't want to get pregnant.
00:01:45All right.
00:01:46No.
00:01:47All right, all right. Calm down, okay?
00:01:49Just a second.
00:01:50Help!
00:01:52Help!
00:01:53Help!
00:01:54Help!
00:02:22Help!
00:02:23Hey. Hey, where are you going?
00:02:36Sorry, babe. Got a split.
00:02:40Oh, don't you want some breakfast?
00:02:42No. Uh, no time for that.
00:02:45What's with this lock?
00:02:47You turn it to the left. To the left.
00:02:51Am I going to see you again?
00:02:52Oh, sure. Of course, babe.
00:02:55I'll give you a call sometime.
00:02:57Take it easy, eh?
00:02:58Do you like rollerblading?
00:03:06Shit.
00:03:08Joe?
00:03:10Is this blouse too revealing?
00:03:12Look at this.
00:03:14Here's Joe Schmoe, talented new actor,
00:03:16and here's Miss Quim, talented new actress.
00:03:18Joe.
00:03:19He's standing on the street in an overcoat,
00:03:21and she's lying on the floor in her underwear
00:03:23with her boobs hanging out.
00:03:24So?
00:03:25What do you mean, so?
00:03:26Here it is, 25 years after women's liberation,
00:03:29and women are still being reduced
00:03:30to selling themselves as sex objects.
00:03:32Maybe she doesn't feel reduced.
00:03:33Maybe she feels proud of her sexuality.
00:03:36Right?
00:03:37Well, maybe he's proud of his sexuality.
00:03:39Why isn't he crawling across the floor
00:03:41with his balls hanging out?
00:03:43And what do boobs have to do with acting?
00:03:45Nothing.
00:03:45I'm gonna write a book about this.
00:03:48You're not working today?
00:03:51Yes, I'm working.
00:03:52I'm working at lunch,
00:03:52and then I have that audition
00:03:53with the casting director at three.
00:03:55Right.
00:03:56Oh, good luck, hon.
00:03:58Um, listen, I still need a check for the rent.
00:04:01What?
00:04:01Again?
00:04:02Yeah, it kind of works that way.
00:04:03You know, once a month.
00:04:06Oh, remember, we have dinner
00:04:07with Raina and Alex tonight,
00:04:09and I think they're bringing the baby.
00:04:10All right.
00:04:11I'll meet you after the audition.
00:04:12Good luck, honey.
00:04:14Bye.
00:04:17There you are, Mr. Bob.
00:04:19Clean press.
00:04:20Very nice.
00:04:21Sure, it's a piece of shit, Chang.
00:04:23Oh, no, it's a very nice tuxedo.
00:04:26It's a piece of shit.
00:04:27And I'll tell you something.
00:04:29The next time I come in here,
00:04:30I'll give it to you.
00:04:31Oh, no, Mr. Bob.
00:04:33Keep your tuxedo.
00:04:34No, it's yours.
00:04:36A little souvenir.
00:04:37From me to you.
00:04:39You know what that means, souvenir?
00:04:41Yes.
00:04:41I think it means you are full of shit.
00:04:45Keep going to night school.
00:04:51Looking good today, sugar tits.
00:04:53Hello, Ms. Taylor.
00:05:05It's Dee Dee, isn't it?
00:05:07It's really great to meet you.
00:05:08Thank you for seeing me.
00:05:10But how could you miss me?
00:05:12I'm standing right in front of you.
00:05:15What I'm going to do for you today, Ms. Taylor,
00:05:18is one of Hap's speeches from Arthur Miller's
00:05:20death of a salesman.
00:05:27You know, Biff, sometimes I want to just rip my clothes off
00:05:32in the middle of that store and outbox
00:05:34that goddamn merchandise manager.
00:05:37I mean, I can outbox, outrun, and outlift
00:05:39anybody in that store.
00:05:41And I have to take orders from those common,
00:05:43petty sons of bitches till I can't stand it anymore.
00:05:48You see, everybody around me is so false.
00:05:52I'm constantly lowering my ideals.
00:05:57Hello, Ms. Taylor.
00:05:59It's Dee Dee, isn't it?
00:06:01There's a downpour, you see?
00:06:03I don't know.
00:06:04This is precious.
00:06:05This is precious.
00:06:06Let me put it in.
00:06:07I don't know.
00:06:08From one bottle.
00:06:10That's what happened.
00:06:11Where are the biker boys?
00:06:14All right, biker boys.
00:06:16Show me those abs.
00:06:18Okay.
00:06:19Flex, flex, flex, flex, flex.
00:06:21That's what we want.
00:06:22Beautiful, bright, chunky abs.
00:06:25Yes.
00:06:26All right.
00:06:27Oil the abs.
00:06:32I want a bow, a stricter, or a python.
00:06:36Morning, ladies.
00:06:37Ten minutes.
00:06:37Morning.
00:06:38Let's go.
00:06:39I don't know, Mary.
00:06:42I'm sort of giving up on the whole human race.
00:06:46Why, honey?
00:06:47What's the matter?
00:06:49Everybody is so superficial.
00:06:51Oh.
00:06:52Yeah.
00:06:53I am sick of it.
00:06:53I am sick of all this superficial bullshit.
00:06:57I'm a very spiritual person.
00:07:00Are you really?
00:07:02Oh, very spiritual.
00:07:04Have you seen The Little Mermaid?
00:07:05The cartoon?
00:07:08Oh, it's not just a cartoon, Mary.
00:07:11If you look just a little closer, you will find the spiritual message in every single one
00:07:16of Walt Disney's films.
00:07:19Could we please change this fucking music?
00:07:23Oh, sure, baby.
00:07:24What do you want to hear?
00:07:25Hole?
00:07:26Snoopy Dog Dog?
00:07:27I've had any, anything.
00:07:29Okay, Christ.
00:07:30Douche would be better than this shit.
00:07:33It's depressing.
00:07:34Is Douche good?
00:07:35Bad.
00:07:36I'm not going to be able to work with this depressing shit all night.
00:07:39It's 10 o'clock and I'm already depressed.
00:07:41I look depressed, don't I?
00:07:43No.
00:07:43No.
00:07:45You look beautiful.
00:07:47Hey, little baby.
00:08:07Hey, come here, sweet ass.
00:08:08Hey.
00:08:09What the hell's the matter with you?
00:08:11What?
00:08:11Don't what me.
00:08:12You know what I'm talking about.
00:08:13What if that was your granddaughter?
00:08:15Huh?
00:08:17You old fucking scumbag.
00:08:19Just leave me alone.
00:08:20Jesus.
00:08:33Excuse me.
00:08:39Do I know you?
00:08:40No, I don't think so.
00:08:42God, the way you smiled at me, I feel like I've known you my whole life.
00:08:47That's so sweet.
00:08:49Are you in a relationship?
00:08:52Yes, I am.
00:08:53You don't sound very happy about it.
00:08:56Well, I love my girlfriend very much.
00:08:58It's just that I don't think that she understands me in a real emotional or sexual way.
00:09:05Yeah.
00:09:06I sense that in you.
00:09:09You know, this is going to sound really crazy, but I feel like I've known you my whole life, too.
00:09:15Really?
00:09:16Yeah.
00:09:18And I'd like to give you a blowjob right now.
00:09:22Right now?
00:09:23All right.
00:09:23Let's look sharp.
00:09:24Come on.
00:09:27All right.
00:09:27Gentlemen, front and center.
00:09:29Everyone pay attention.
00:09:31You've been divided into eight two-man squads.
00:09:33First man in pours the red wine.
00:09:35Second man in serves the finger food.
00:09:38And it is called finger food precisely because it is to be eaten with the fingers.
00:09:43No utensils.
00:09:44Any questions?
00:09:45Ernst, I have a question.
00:09:47Are you wearing a girdle?
00:09:48Because your ass looks incredible in those pants.
00:09:53No, I am not wearing a girdle, but you can be assured that if I catch any of you faggots
00:09:57looking at my ass, I'll fire the whole fucking lot of you.
00:10:01Hey, Ernst, we're not all gay here, you know.
00:10:05That, my dear straight friend, is your problem.
00:10:09To your stations.
00:10:10That, my friend?
00:10:19What is your name?
00:10:46Joe?
00:10:47Joe Finnegan.
00:10:47Who hired you?
00:10:48Did I hire you?
00:10:49Yes, you did.
00:10:49I was recommended by Bob.
00:10:50Never, ever let the neck of the bottle touch the rim of the glass and sparkle, for God's
00:10:54sake.
00:10:54You look like you're at a fucking funeral.
00:10:56Oh, my balls are killing me.
00:11:15What?
00:11:17What?
00:11:17That model I was with last night.
00:11:19She was like an animal.
00:11:2119.
00:11:22One of those tight little answers you just want to take a bite right out of.
00:11:25Jesus.
00:11:26Jesus.
00:11:27Where'd you meet her?
00:11:29This bar.
00:11:29T&A.
00:11:30I'll take you down there.
00:11:32All the chicks there are these gorgeous high-class models.
00:11:35Even the waitresses.
00:11:36If they're such high-class models, what are they doing waitressing?
00:11:39Hey, you're doing it.
00:11:40So are you.
00:11:42Not for much longer, pal.
00:11:44Guess who just got a part on a soap?
00:11:46Get out of here.
00:11:48Passion Crest.
00:11:49Recurring character, Dirk Drake.
00:11:51I wouldn't do a soap.
00:11:52It's not even acting.
00:11:54$3,600 a week?
00:11:56Actor?
00:11:57You sorry-broke-ass fucking waiter.
00:12:00Sometimes I wish Mary was a little bit more...
00:12:03What?
00:12:05I wish sometimes that she'd just go a little bit wild, like you said that model did.
00:12:10Go crazy on me.
00:12:12You see, I need that, Bob.
00:12:14Well, come on, man.
00:12:16Look on the bright side.
00:12:17You've got stability, right?
00:12:19Some people need that.
00:12:21All right, I'm heading this way.
00:12:22Hey, when do you start the soap?
00:12:24Tomorrow morning, my friend.
00:12:26I guess I won't be seeing you.
00:12:28No, hey, come on.
00:12:31We'll get together.
00:12:32I'll give you a call sometime.
00:12:36Dirk Drake, huh?
00:12:37Passion Crest.
00:12:41$3,600 a week.
00:12:45And what is wrong with people, you know?
00:12:48Every day it seems like everybody's just getting stupider and stupider.
00:12:53You seem rather agitated today, Mary.
00:12:57I am agitated.
00:12:59I am.
00:13:00You know, every morning I pass this guy on the street and he always makes some disgusting comment to me.
00:13:04Why don't you take a different route?
00:13:07Because I don't want to take a different route.
00:13:09Why should I let that scumbag dictate how I live my life?
00:13:12Mm-hmm.
00:13:13What I feel like doing is taking him by the hair and smashing his face right into the sidewalk.
00:13:19Perhaps we could find a more productive outlet for your anger.
00:13:22Another female patient of mine is taking a self-defense class that is quite unique.
00:13:29I don't need self-defense.
00:13:31Hear me out, Mary.
00:13:32Okay.
00:13:33The instructor has apparently devised a series of exercises designed to help women cope with the more ordinary rudenesses they encounter on a day-to-day basis.
00:13:43I'm going to get his telephone number for you, and you call him when you feel like it.
00:13:50A physical activity like this might alleviate some of that hostility you have for men.
00:13:58Am I hostile towards men?
00:14:01We'll talk about that next week.
00:14:04Oh.
00:14:05Okay.
00:14:05I might add that blouse you were wearing is especially becoming.
00:14:10Thank you, Dr. Leiter.
00:14:11You know, Biff, sometimes I want to just rip my clothes off in the middle of that store and outbox that goddamn sales merchandise manager.
00:14:28I mean, ah!
00:14:32Sorry, I, uh, forgot my line.
00:14:36Oh, that's all right.
00:14:37Really.
00:14:37Really, it is.
00:14:39Joe.
00:14:39Joe, we have a little problem with your credits here.
00:14:43I mean, there's no TV, no commercials, no soaps.
00:14:46I'm not that interested in doing soap operas.
00:14:49Really?
00:14:51Why's that?
00:14:52Well, it's not even acting, is it?
00:14:54I mean, not the kind of acting that I want to do.
00:14:55It's, uh, I mean, it's fake.
00:14:58It's stupid.
00:14:59Well, it's clear that you and I have absolutely nothing to talk about.
00:15:02Goodbye.
00:15:02Excuse me, uh, Miss Taylor, what did I say?
00:15:05Oh, Christ.
00:15:06What every other no-name, no-credit actor says when he comes through that door.
00:15:11I mean, who the hell do you think you are?
00:15:13Tom Cruise?
00:15:14Well, you're not.
00:15:15And believe me, you're stupid if you think that I would hire any actor who wasn't damn willing to work.
00:15:21Well, you misunderstood.
00:15:22I'm...
00:15:22This is a business.
00:15:23If you don't understand that, then you don't belong in it.
00:15:26Go away.
00:15:28You're right, Miss Taylor.
00:15:29This is a business.
00:15:31I understand that.
00:15:32I'm beginning to understand that.
00:15:35I didn't mean that I wouldn't work on a soap.
00:15:38If there was something that you thought I could do, of course I would do it.
00:15:41Really.
00:15:42I would love to work on a soap.
00:15:44How old are you?
00:15:4535.
00:15:4935.
00:15:50No credits.
00:15:53No agent.
00:15:56All right, let's get real, Joe.
00:15:59Have you got a bathing suit?
00:16:02I could get one.
00:16:03Good.
00:16:04There's a Madonna video coming up.
00:16:06Kind of a beach theme.
00:16:07You might be right for it.
00:16:09Unless, of course, you don't do music videos.
00:16:14Of course I do.
00:16:16That'd be great, Miss Taylor.
00:16:18Or is it Dee Dee?
00:16:19Thanks, Joe.
00:16:21I'll be in touch.
00:16:28Hey, guys.
00:16:29Come on back and see Siobhan, New York's tallest blonde.
00:16:33She's a college girl majoring in sexy, sexy, sexy.
00:16:37That's right.
00:16:38This, um, college chick, is she a real blonde?
00:16:44Oh, yeah.
00:16:45Beautiful, sexy, sexy chick, man.
00:16:48Like Madonna.
00:16:49But blonde.
00:16:50Very blonde.
00:16:51All right.
00:16:52I'll take a box for it.
00:16:55Here you come.
00:16:56See, that's the real thing.
00:16:57How about you other guys, huh?
00:16:59Now you want to see Siobhan?
00:17:00New York's hottest blonde.
00:17:30I love this little outfit.
00:17:33I love her.
00:17:34I love her.
00:17:34I love her.
00:17:35I love her.
00:17:35We love her, too, don't we?
00:17:37Cassie will pee.
00:17:39Hey there, little Cassie.
00:17:40We don't call her Cassie, Joe.
00:17:42We have a strict rule.
00:17:43Her whole name or no name at all.
00:17:46I'm sorry.
00:17:46That's a good rule.
00:17:47It's so great to see you guys.
00:17:50It's been too long.
00:17:52We've been absolutely crazed since Al's show.
00:17:55Absolutely crazed.
00:17:57I'm in three galleries now.
00:17:58The paintings are selling so fast.
00:18:00I don't even have time to stretch a canvas.
00:18:04If you need a job, Joe, I could put you to work tomorrow.
00:18:07Well, thanks.
00:18:08I got a job.
00:18:09You know, I don't think we've seen you since Il Piano.
00:18:13Oh, my God, I love that movie.
00:18:15Wasn't that a great movie?
00:18:17A great, great flick.
00:18:20One of the best, really.
00:18:22That movie was a piece of shit.
00:18:27Are you kidding?
00:18:29No, I'm not kidding.
00:18:31Come on, it was nothing but a glorified romance novel.
00:18:33Spirited, sensuous young woman leaves her uptight husband for the man of her dreams.
00:18:38A masculine but sensitive native with earrings and tattoos.
00:18:43Sorry, Joe, but I think it completely missed what this film was about.
00:18:48Oh, what was it about?
00:18:51Well, it was about a lot of things.
00:18:53It was about courage, freedom.
00:18:56It was about unrestricted, unconditional, primal love.
00:19:00Yeah, you're way off on this man.
00:19:03I'm just curious.
00:19:04Has anyone seen The Little Mermaid?
00:19:06Besides, it was only on every top ten list in the country.
00:19:10So what?
00:19:11What are those two going to do for the rest of their lives?
00:19:14Stand around and stare at each other all loving and unconditional?
00:19:17Do you think that they'll ever have a real argument, the way that real people do?
00:19:20Do you think that she would ever say to him,
00:19:22Hey, Kimba, you know, I really love your masculine sensitivity,
00:19:25but you think that just once you could remember to lift the toilet seat before you take a piss?
00:19:30I completely agree with you.
00:19:31My boyfriend loved that movie so much, I broke up with him.
00:19:34Which movie?
00:19:35Il Piano?
00:19:36Yeah, well, what the hell was that movie all about?
00:19:39I liked it.
00:19:40I liked Harvey Keitel's ass.
00:19:41No, that's utterly untrue.
00:19:42I did not like that movie.
00:19:44But what else was there to like about?
00:19:45What are they talking about?
00:19:46Il Piano.
00:19:48Great photography.
00:19:49That little girl bugged me.
00:19:50If I had a daughter like that, I'd kick her fucking ass.
00:19:53Yeah.
00:19:53Ask me something.
00:19:54I mean, you don't wait for me to do that.
00:19:56It's a good song.
00:19:56It's over.
00:19:57It's over.
00:19:58Who the hell wants to see a man nude?
00:19:59Who cares?
00:20:00I thought it was incredible.
00:20:02I cried through most of it.
00:20:05You did cry, and I was proud of you.
00:20:06You did cry.
00:20:07You went on and on and on about it.
00:20:17I mean, it was a little embarrassing.
00:20:18Well, I just didn't feel like listening to him blab about his paintings all night.
00:20:23Did you hear that little dig about a job?
00:20:25What dig?
00:20:26That I could come work for him, stretching canvases.
00:20:30What do I look like, a fucking handyman?
00:20:33Joe, why are you so angry?
00:20:36Did your audition go badly?
00:20:38Is that it?
00:20:38No, actually, it went great.
00:20:40I really nailed the monologue.
00:20:42And afterward, she looked at my resume and said, you don't have any soaps on here.
00:20:46And I said, I know I don't.
00:20:46You want to know why?
00:20:47Because I don't consider that acting.
00:20:51You said that?
00:20:52Yeah.
00:20:53And you know what?
00:20:54She may have something for me already.
00:20:55What?
00:20:56A Madonna video.
00:20:57Joe, that's fantastic.
00:21:00I mean, that could lead to something.
00:21:01And it's money, right?
00:21:03That's right, Mary.
00:21:03That's what I'm learning.
00:21:04It's a business.
00:21:05It's all a business.
00:21:07And guess what?
00:21:08I might take a self-defense class.
00:21:10Why?
00:21:11Well, Dr. Loiter said it might help me deal with my hostility.
00:21:15Your what?
00:21:16Uh, the assholes on the street.
00:21:19Oh, well, that's great.
00:21:21So that's what you guys talk about in there?
00:21:22That, other things.
00:21:24Why?
00:21:24I'm just curious.
00:21:29Bob got a job on his soap.
00:21:30He's not doing the catering anymore.
00:21:32He told me he met this blonde model.
00:21:35They went back to her place and had kinky sex all night.
00:21:38Is that what you'd like?
00:21:39Kinky sex with a blonde model?
00:21:42Well, she wouldn't necessarily have to be a model.
00:21:44What, I'm not kinky enough for you?
00:21:46I never said that.
00:21:48You implied it.
00:21:49I did not.
00:21:50I was simply telling you about what happened to Bob.
00:21:53Of course you're kinky.
00:21:55You're very kinky.
00:21:57Okay?
00:21:57Except we both know that sometimes I have to...
00:22:02What?
00:22:03Well, you know.
00:22:05No.
00:22:06Initiate things.
00:22:08You do not.
00:22:08What about this morning?
00:22:09Well, actually, if you recall, I suggested that we make love, and your first response was no.
00:22:14Christ, I thought we had a pretty healthy sex life, and now you're telling me you're bored with me?
00:22:20Can we just hold on a second?
00:22:22The only thing that I'm suggesting is that perhaps we could be a little bit more spontaneous.
00:22:28How?
00:22:29Well, for one thing, by not having to wear a rubber all the time.
00:22:34I'm sorry, Joe.
00:22:35I don't want to get pregnant.
00:22:38It just seems a little bit odd to me that for somebody who's so against getting pregnant,
00:22:42you seem to be infatuated with babies.
00:22:45I mean, Christ, you were all over that little tapioca.
00:22:48Cassiopeia.
00:22:49And so what?
00:22:49I like babies.
00:22:52I just don't want to have one of my own.
00:22:55That's great.
00:22:58Why, do you want to have a baby?
00:23:00No.
00:23:04I'm not going to have a kid until we can afford it.
00:23:06What does money have to do with it?
00:23:08You don't have any.
00:23:09Other people have kids.
00:23:10How do they do it?
00:23:11Either they hire somebody or one of them stays home and takes care of the baby.
00:23:15Are you going to do it?
00:23:18If you think I'm going to give up my career, you're crazy.
00:23:22What are we talking about this for?
00:23:24You brought it up.
00:23:26No, I didn't.
00:23:27I was talking about something completely different.
00:23:29Well, what were you talking about?
00:23:32Let's just drop it, okay?
00:23:33And now you're all pissed off.
00:23:38What makes you say that?
00:23:39Do you know that I never thought I'd see you again?
00:23:59I told you I'd call you, didn't I?
00:24:01Yes, but I thought maybe you didn't like me.
00:24:06Hey, what's not to like?
00:24:12Q, do you like my eyes?
00:24:16Mm-hmm.
00:24:17Do you like my body?
00:24:19Oh, yeah.
00:24:20Do you like my hair?
00:24:24Do you?
00:24:27What's the matter?
00:24:28Nothing.
00:24:30Oh, come on.
00:24:31What's the matter?
00:24:34Excuse me.
00:24:35What?
00:24:35Wait.
00:24:37What's wrong?
00:24:38God damn it.
00:24:38I said nothing was wrong.
00:24:43There's a message.
00:24:44Did you hear this?
00:24:46No.
00:24:46It's probably for you.
00:24:49Hi, this is Madonna.
00:24:50It's Wednesday about 2.55.
00:24:52Sorry for calling so late.
00:24:53I'm trying to reach Joe Finnegan.
00:24:55Joe, can you please call me immediately?
00:24:57Call me immediately at 5-5-5-0-2-7-0.
00:24:58Jesus fucking Christ.
00:25:01Do you really think it's her?
00:25:03Of course it's her.
00:25:03Who else would it be?
00:25:04She's probably calling about the video.
00:25:06Call me immediately at 5-5-5-0-2-7-0.
00:25:09You know, Joe, Madonna is an international superstar.
00:25:12I mean, I seriously doubt she's going to call you at home.
00:25:16At the very least, she'd have her assistant call, right?
00:25:19Mary, I've heard she gets personally involved in all of her projects.
00:25:22She probably saw my picture on the wall and said,
00:25:25Hey, maybe I'll feature Joe Finnegan in my video.
00:25:28All right.
00:25:29All right, we'll call her.
00:25:31Well, it's only 9 o'clock.
00:25:33She's probably still sleeping.
00:25:35Oh.
00:25:35Okay.
00:25:36I'm going then.
00:25:38Hey, call me if you reach her.
00:25:40Oh, I will.
00:25:41Bye.
00:25:42Bye.
00:25:42Bye.
00:25:42Bye.
00:25:42Bye.
00:25:42Bye.
00:25:43Bye.
00:25:44Bye.
00:25:45Bye.
00:25:46Bye.
00:25:47Bye.
00:25:48Bye.
00:25:48Bye.
00:25:49Bye.
00:25:49Bye.
00:25:50Bye.
00:25:51Bye.
00:25:51Hey, baby.
00:26:10Come sit on my face.
00:26:11Oh, grow up, you stupid asshole.
00:26:13Get angry, baby.
00:26:14I like it.
00:26:15Makes my dick hard.
00:26:16See?
00:26:16Bye.
00:26:17Bye.
00:26:17Bye.
00:26:18Bye.
00:26:19Bye.
00:26:20Bye.
00:26:21Bye.
00:26:27Why do you say that shit, huh?
00:26:30Why?
00:26:31God, stop.
00:26:32Stop, please.
00:26:33Stop.
00:26:33No, I'm not going to fucking stop until you tell me why you say it.
00:26:36Do you think you're going to meet women this way?
00:26:38You think some woman is going to turn around and say, hey, there's a fucking guy I'd like
00:26:43to go out with?
00:26:44No.
00:26:45No, I'm just a coward.
00:26:47A miserable fucking coward.
00:26:49Oh, my God!
00:27:19Sahara, where were you? I just called you.
00:27:22Oh, hey. Mary.
00:27:23Oh, my God, what happened to you?
00:27:25Yesterday, I went rollerblading with this guy I just met,
00:27:28and somehow I got too close to him, and his elbow hit me in the eye.
00:27:31I know it was my fault. I feel really stupid.
00:27:33Oh, Jesus. But can you cover it, please?
00:27:34Oh, my God, you cannot believe what I am going through.
00:27:37Those freaking snakes. Oh, my God.
00:27:39Johnny Blair, I'm so sorry. It was an accident.
00:27:41Is it real? Yeah, it's real.
00:27:43Yes, Mary, you have to get rid of this.
00:27:45It's not the bruise. I can cover the bruise.
00:27:47The problem is the swelling. I mean...
00:27:49Oh, no, I've got to shoot today.
00:27:52I've booked those snakes a month in advance.
00:27:54Well, you're just going to have to shoot her with a black eye, then.
00:27:57Oh, are you crazy?
00:28:03Darker, darker.
00:28:05Bruise is truth. You must never hide it.
00:28:07Yes.
00:28:08Bring in the serpents.
00:28:11Yes.
00:28:12Now wrap them around their legs.
00:28:16Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh.
00:28:18Oh, my God.
00:28:19Oh, my God.
00:28:20Oh, my God, that's it.
00:28:21Everybody clear. Everybody clear.
00:28:22Let's shoot. Let's shoot.
00:28:23Roses, right now.
00:28:26More.
00:28:31Yes.
00:28:32Oh, yes.
00:28:33Powerful. Powerful.
00:28:36No blame, Sarah.
00:28:37No blame, Kiki.
00:28:38No blame.
00:28:38No blame, I'm not.
00:28:59No...
00:28:59No, no, no.
00:29:04It's a little town near Buffalo.
00:29:14It's a Buffalo.
00:29:16I'd rather go to a tini or a rat.
00:29:19Bob's rat's fine, but I mean, you've got a flyer there.
00:29:21We take the bus up to the town of Wanda.
00:29:24Joe!
00:29:27Alex, look, it's Joe.
00:29:28You're right, it is Joe.
00:29:30Hey there, buddy.
00:29:32What are you guys doing here?
00:29:33I won the board because the Met bought six of my paintings.
00:29:37Oh.
00:29:38You're getting it stretched all right, huh?
00:29:40This is so funny, Joe. You're working.
00:29:43Yeah, I've got to pay the bills.
00:29:45Great tuxedo, man.
00:29:47Thanks, it's secondhand.
00:29:48Hey, you know what? I'm doing a Madonna video tomorrow.
00:29:50I love Madonna.
00:29:52You know, we know her.
00:29:54Yeah, she called me.
00:29:55She wants me to do a special featured cameo or something.
00:29:57It's just like her.
00:30:00Tell her I said you might.
00:30:02I will.
00:30:02And tell Mary we should get together real soon.
00:30:06Okay.
00:30:07You're doing great.
00:30:08You're such a very, very nice dress.
00:30:11Excuse me, sir.
00:30:13Is there anything else I can get you?
00:30:14Perhaps some more whipped cream?
00:30:15No, thank you, Captain.
00:30:17Got to keep the ship shape for all these fillies around here.
00:30:19You know what I mean?
00:30:20Aye, aye, Captain.
00:30:22I don't know what you're doing.
00:30:25What are you doing?
00:30:27He asked me about the strawberries, how they got so big.
00:30:30Never, never touch a guest.
00:30:33Never.
00:30:33I'm sorry, Ernst.
00:30:34Nobody told you.
00:30:34Okay, okay, okay.
00:30:35Just go, go, go, go, go.
00:30:36Come here, you fucking whores.
00:30:38Let's begin today by reviewing a few facts.
00:30:45Men are physically stronger than women.
00:30:48This is not a criticism of your gender, ladies.
00:30:50It is a fact.
00:30:51Fact.
00:30:52You, as women, are vulnerable.
00:30:55Vulnerable, but not helpless.
00:30:57This class will provide each and every one of you
00:30:59with a simple and effective means of self-defense
00:31:03in the event of a physical assault.
00:31:07Fact.
00:31:08There are other types of assault.
00:31:10Verbal harassment on the streets,
00:31:12blatant groping and fondling in public places,
00:31:15all the behavioral tics that make men so irresistible.
00:31:19Now, my research has shown that these assaults
00:31:22can be equally damaging
00:31:23if the rage and the frustration that they arouse
00:31:27are not released.
00:31:30And to that end,
00:31:31I have developed a series of patented exercises
00:31:33designed to increase your RRQ.
00:31:37Class.
00:31:38Rage Release Quotient.
00:31:40Good.
00:31:42Uh, Sheila, why don't you come up
00:31:44to the front of the class, please?
00:31:49Now, remember,
00:31:52you can respond however you feel, okay?
00:31:54If you wish to scream, scream away.
00:31:57If you feel like striking me,
00:31:59go ahead and do so.
00:32:00Understand?
00:32:01I think so.
00:32:02All right.
00:32:03Let's begin.
00:32:05Looking good, sweet meat.
00:32:09Sweet meat?
00:32:11Did you hear what I said?
00:32:13Yes.
00:32:14Do you like being called sweet meat?
00:32:17No.
00:32:18Does it make you angry?
00:32:20Yes.
00:32:21How angry?
00:32:23Very angry.
00:32:26Okay.
00:32:27How do you feel?
00:32:29Better.
00:32:30Good.
00:32:33Okay, Mary?
00:32:34Come to the front, please.
00:32:39Okay.
00:32:40Let's begin.
00:32:41Man, you got some sweet little ass on you, cupcake.
00:32:46Shut the fuck up!
00:32:48Let me take a nice little bite
00:32:50out of that sweet little ass cupcake.
00:32:51Okay.
00:33:01Oh!
00:33:01Oh!
00:33:01Oh!
00:33:02Oh!
00:33:06Oh!
00:33:07Okay.
00:33:08It was great.
00:33:10It was.
00:33:11I was like, he brought me up to the class
00:33:14And he's telling me, you know
00:33:15Just go ahead and do whatever you feel like doing
00:33:17I mean, it was just incredible
00:33:19I started punching and swinging at him
00:33:21I mean, I never knew it would feel this good to hit somebody, you know
00:33:24That's great, I'm glad you enjoyed it
00:33:27I did, I did
00:33:28And this teacher is so fantastic
00:33:29He said I have a really high RRQ
00:33:32RRQ?
00:33:33Rage, release, question
00:33:34He said I have the highest in the class
00:33:3799.3
00:33:42Maybe I should take that class
00:33:46You know, Alex and Raina were at that dinner tonight
00:33:48They made a comment about my tuxedo and I wanted to kill him
00:33:51I felt like such an idiot standing there having them seeing me working as a waiter
00:33:55Come on, Joe, it's what you do
00:33:58It's not what I do
00:33:59Okay, it's not what you do
00:34:01But it's how you pay the rent
00:34:03And there's nothing wrong with it
00:34:05I mean, everybody has to work
00:34:06Well, I'm sick of this shit
00:34:07I feel like my life's going nowhere
00:34:09Joe, your life is going somewhere
00:34:12I mean, you did this great audition for Dee Dee Taylor
00:34:16She immediately got you a job with pay
00:34:18Did you ever get through to Madonna?
00:34:21No, no, I've been calling all day
00:34:22It's a story of my life
00:34:23Nobody's home
00:34:24Come on, Joe
00:34:27You just, you just gotta stick with it, you know
00:34:31I mean, you're a great actor
00:34:35I know you're going to make it
00:34:39You really think so?
00:34:41Oh, yeah
00:34:42I have no doubt
00:34:43Mary
00:34:46I don't know what I'd do without you
00:34:49Me too, Joe
00:34:51Hey, you feel like fooling around?
00:35:01I don't know, I'm not really in the mood
00:35:03Come on, let's do it
00:35:05I don't know, I could cut a big day tomorrow
00:35:08I don't want to go in looking too tired
00:35:09Come on
00:35:11I'm not building the pyramids here
00:35:14I won't wear you out, I promise
00:35:19Come on
00:35:19I'm serious
00:35:21Come on, stop
00:35:22Jesus, you don't have to get all pissy
00:35:27I'm not getting all pissy
00:35:28I'm just not in the mood
00:35:31Okay, fine
00:35:32There aren't machines that you can turn off and on
00:35:36By the flick of a switch, you know
00:35:38I get the point, Joe
00:35:39Now you're angry?
00:35:45I'm not angry
00:35:46Next time I'm not in the mood
00:35:49Don't give me any shit
00:35:50Okay?
00:36:08More champagne, Dirk?
00:36:38I'm leaving, Deanna
00:36:40Oh, please
00:36:42Please don't leave me
00:36:44I love you, Dirk
00:36:45I love you
00:36:46That means nothing to me now
00:36:48But you said you loved me
00:36:51I don't love you, Deanna
00:36:52You're weak
00:36:54You're helpless
00:36:56And frankly, you bore me
00:36:58Oh, please, Dirk
00:37:00What do you want me to do?
00:37:02I want you to get out of my life
00:37:04Cut
00:37:11What's next, Sid?
00:37:13Scene 11A
00:37:14Deanna attempts suicide again
00:37:16Ten minutes
00:37:17Forgive me, Father
00:37:20Hey, Bob
00:37:21Hold up there, Wonder Muffin
00:37:22Hey
00:37:23What's up, Roy?
00:37:24Ratings are up another five
00:37:26And you guys should give me another raise
00:37:29Actually, we've got an entirely new contract for you, Bob
00:37:34Five years exclusive
00:37:36With Dirk Drake having his own A-level storyline
00:37:39Twenty minutes guaranteed screen time per episode
00:37:43Script approval?
00:37:46That's a tall order, Bob
00:37:47When you're on your knees, Roy
00:37:52Everything looks tall
00:37:54Remember that, eh?
00:38:00Dirk Drake
00:38:02What a piece of shit this script is
00:38:12I can't believe I spent three years at the Royal Academy
00:38:16Just so I could spew this fucking garbage
00:38:19I'm a little busy, baby
00:38:21Do you mind?
00:38:23What are you doing?
00:38:25I'm working on my next scene
00:38:27Oh, I see
00:38:29You're preparing using Stanislavski's famous horoscope method
00:38:33What's so funny?
00:38:35You
00:38:36Come on, Muffin
00:38:38Take off your robe
00:38:39No
00:38:40What?
00:38:41You defy me, Deanna
00:38:44I'll see you tonight, baby
00:38:46Oh, but I'm ready right now, see?
00:38:48Yes, you are
00:38:49You hold on to that little monster
00:38:51Not too tightly remember what happened last time
00:38:54Hey
00:38:55That was a once-in-a-lifetime thing
00:38:59I know it was, baby
00:39:11This is Bob Latimer, leave a message
00:39:30Hi, it's me
00:39:32Listen, I was thinking about our fight
00:39:36And I know that you feel bad and I feel bad
00:39:40So I just wanted to call and tell you that I think we can work this out
00:39:44If I said anything to upset you
00:39:46I'm sorry
00:39:47Really, I apologize
00:39:50As the crap princess says in The Little Mermaid
00:39:54I love you
00:39:54And I want to see you
00:39:57So please call me
00:39:58Alpha, I want to show you now what to do in the event that you're attacked from behind
00:40:14This is very important, okay?
00:40:16Somebody want to volunteer?
00:40:19Mary?
00:40:20Come on
00:40:20Okay, now, get behind me
00:40:22Okay, now, I want you to wrap your arms around me
00:40:26As if you're going to attack me from behind, okay?
00:40:28Go ahead
00:40:29My hands are free, but it's going to be hard to pull these arms off, right?
00:40:35What's the next closest weapon?
00:40:37Teeth, right?
00:40:39Bite
00:40:40At the same time, bring up that right leg
00:40:42And deliver a heel smash to the instep
00:40:45So it's, ah, right?
00:40:47That heel smash will open up this leg, okay?
00:40:51And creating the space here
00:40:52In which I will deliver an elbow to the stomach, okay?
00:40:57Now, why don't you assume that position?
00:41:00Okay
00:41:00Now, I'm going to grab you here
00:41:03Now, give me the bite
00:41:06Okay
00:41:08And then the heel smash
00:41:10Okay
00:41:13That's going to open me up a little bit
00:41:14And you're going to give me the
00:41:15Very good
00:41:17Okay, try it again
00:41:18Okay
00:41:20All right
00:41:22It's exciting
00:41:23Yeah
00:41:24Yeah, that's, that's great
00:41:26Yeah
00:41:26Excuse me, can I?
00:41:28Very deep
00:41:28Thanks a lot
00:41:29Very good
00:41:29All right
00:41:30Okay, later
00:41:31Yeah, but what about AIDS, man?
00:41:37AIDS was created in a laboratory by white Jewish scientists
00:41:40It's a conspiracy with the FBI
00:41:42Basically to annihilate the power of the black nation
00:41:46This is going to blow your mind
00:41:49You know the holocaust?
00:41:51Never happened
00:41:52Oh, man
00:41:54What about all the stories in the pictures?
00:41:57Shit is fake
00:41:58It's about as real as your hair
00:42:00It's about as real as your hair
00:42:00Now, come on, look at this shit
00:42:02I read a book
00:42:03Page after page of proof
00:42:05It said that the Jews made the whole holocaust stuff
00:42:08Shit never happened
00:42:09Hey, you know, I think I read that same book
00:42:11You remember the part about slavery in America?
00:42:14What part is that?
00:42:16Where the guy proves that all the African Americans that came here in the 1600s actually wanted to come
00:42:21In fact, most of them paid their own way
00:42:23Hey, what the fuck are you talking about, man?
00:42:26No, it's true
00:42:27They heard there were lots of jobs over here picking cotton
00:42:29Which they figured would lead to better jobs as muggers and crackheads
00:42:33So they just all came rushing over here
00:42:34Can you believe it?
00:42:36Slavery never existed
00:42:37Man, that shit is not even a little bit funny
00:42:43Well, it's at least as funny as what you said about the holocaust, don't you think?
00:42:48How's this for funny, bitch boy?
00:42:49Why don't you get your pill and get out of here?
00:42:52You're fucking fired
00:42:53All right, everyone, back to one
00:42:59I want silence, don't play with the video
00:43:02Just give me a minute, I already told you
00:43:11It was the rubber
00:43:12The rubber's off, man
00:43:15Damn right, the rubber's off
00:43:18Well?
00:43:23Hold on
00:43:24What, do you think I am, a machine?
00:43:30Hey, what are you doing?
00:43:33Come on, Kelly
00:43:34Get back here
00:43:35Get back in the bed
00:43:37Listen, baby
00:43:38I know these things happen sometimes
00:43:41But I gotta know
00:43:43Can you do this or not?
00:43:44Because if you can't
00:43:45I gotta get on the phone
00:43:46Make some calls
00:43:47And find somebody who can
00:43:48What's the matter, baby?
00:43:52I hurt your feelings?
00:43:54Actually, Kelly
00:43:55You did hurt my feelings
00:43:57Christ
00:43:58Christ
00:43:58I mean, I like you, all right?
00:44:01You make me feel like I'm just a stiff piece of meat to you
00:44:03Well, not so stiff really, right?
00:44:08Just get the hell out of here
00:44:09Think I'm gonna do this now after what you just said?
00:44:13You can't do it
00:44:15Get on the bed
00:44:18No
00:44:18Get up
00:44:20Get off of me
00:44:23Get off of me
00:44:24Let's see you on set, Dirk
00:44:32So, anybody need a ride?
00:44:41I'm headed downtown
00:44:42No, thanks
00:44:42Where you going, baby?
00:44:44Actually, I'm going downtown
00:44:45Great
00:44:46Anybody else need a ride downtown?
00:44:48I'm going uptown
00:44:49Okay
00:44:49Big car, ladies
00:44:54No takers?
00:45:01Cars are awful
00:45:02All right
00:45:03There you go
00:45:09Oh, thank you
00:45:10God, dude
00:45:21Mary?
00:45:28Mary?
00:45:29Where is she?
00:45:30You know, Mary
00:45:32I gotta say
00:45:32Of all the women
00:45:33Who've passed through my classes over the years
00:45:36You are by far the most
00:45:37Courageous and committed
00:45:39Thanks, Dirk
00:45:41You're a great teacher
00:45:43I mean, everybody says so
00:45:45Well
00:45:46Yes and no
00:45:49I mean, you know
00:45:49I mean
00:45:50A teacher can only do
00:45:52So much
00:45:53What does her boyfriend do?
00:46:00Oh, my God
00:46:01What the hell?
00:46:07Jesus Christ
00:46:08I'm leaving, Deanna
00:46:12Oh, please
00:46:14Please don't leave me
00:46:16I love you, Dirk
00:46:17I love you
00:46:18That means nothing to me now
00:46:20You said you loved me
00:46:22I don't love you, Deanna
00:46:24You're weak
00:46:25You're helpless
00:46:27Frankly, you're boring
00:46:28Oh, please, Dirk
00:46:31What do you want me to do?
00:46:34I want you to get out of my life
00:46:35What's she gonna do now?
00:46:40Try suicide again?
00:46:42Look like Bob on that TV
00:47:07Wow
00:47:09It is Bob
00:47:11Look at that
00:47:14And how long have you guys been together?
00:47:17Six years
00:47:18Jump back
00:47:19Wow
00:47:20Like a real married couple here
00:47:23I know
00:47:23Wow
00:47:24I know
00:47:25I don't think either one of us
00:47:26Is very interested in marriage
00:47:28Well, you know something?
00:47:30Your boyfriend is a very, very lucky guy
00:47:33Thank you
00:47:41Oh, baby, what's the matter?
00:48:07Can I come in?
00:48:11Of course
00:48:12Of course
00:48:13Um, what's going on?
00:48:22What is it?
00:48:24Well, I've been thinking a lot
00:48:30I feel it's important, I tell you
00:48:35What?
00:48:41Tell me what?
00:48:42Well, look, I know
00:48:43I've been, um
00:48:44No, Bob
00:48:46No, no, you haven't
00:48:47Yes, I have
00:48:49I have, all right
00:48:50And I feel, um
00:48:53And I feel, um
00:48:54I feel, um
00:48:59What?
00:49:00What do you feel?
00:49:01Oh, baby
00:49:07Oh, it's okay
00:49:20Did they pay you?
00:49:22No
00:49:23But for me, it was worth it
00:49:25Oh, that's great, Joe
00:49:26That's great
00:49:27You get your first paying acting job
00:49:29Ever
00:49:29And you blow it all
00:49:31By making some stupid comment
00:49:32That sounds worth it
00:49:34I don't want to sound funny, Mary
00:49:35But a lecture is the last thing
00:49:37That I need right now
00:49:38Hey, Joe
00:49:40Do you think just once
00:49:42You can lift the toilet seat
00:49:43When you take a leak?
00:49:45What do you mean just once?
00:49:47I always lift it
00:49:48You never do it
00:49:49Come here, look at this
00:49:50There's piss all over the seat
00:49:52There is not
00:49:53Come look
00:49:54I'm not gonna go in there
00:49:55And look at a drop of piss
00:49:57On a toilet seat
00:49:58You admit it
00:49:59I do not
00:50:00Would you get off my case?
00:50:01What's the matter with you?
00:50:03I'm not on your case
00:50:04You're just in a bad mood
00:50:06Because you know
00:50:07You did something stupid
00:50:08What?
00:50:16You're going to bed?
00:50:18Well, it appears that way
00:50:20Why?
00:50:20Is there something on your mind?
00:50:22Well, it just struck me
00:50:23That we haven't made love
00:50:24For over a month
00:50:25Well, it's not my fault
00:50:27Well, it's not my fault
00:50:29Joe, you have been
00:50:31Very depressed lately
00:50:32No, I haven't
00:50:33You just told me yesterday
00:50:35You felt like your life
00:50:36Was going nowhere
00:50:37So?
00:50:38I can feel that way
00:50:39And not be depressed
00:50:40Well, it's very hard on me
00:50:43Dealing with your moods
00:50:44All the time
00:50:45Well, it's very hard on me
00:50:46Having to wear the rubber
00:50:47All the time
00:50:47It's not all the time
00:50:49It certainly seems like it
00:50:51Fine, we won't use it
00:50:53I'll just get pregnant
00:50:54Is that what you want?
00:50:55Why is it that every time
00:50:57I say I don't want to use a rubber
00:50:59You accuse me
00:51:00Of wanting to get you pregnant
00:51:02You said you wanted
00:51:03To have a baby
00:51:04Not right now
00:51:05When?
00:51:06Look
00:51:07Let's just stop this discussion
00:51:08Right now
00:51:09I'm in a bad mood
00:51:11You're in a bad mood
00:51:12We're stopping
00:51:12I've stopped
00:51:14You make some money
00:51:16And maybe we'll talk
00:51:17About having a kid
00:51:17Why does it always have
00:51:22To come down to money
00:51:23With you?
00:51:25Because you don't have any
00:51:26And let's face it, Joe
00:51:28I know you're trying
00:51:28To make it as an actor
00:51:29But you work
00:51:30As a waiter
00:51:31You still don't even
00:51:32Have an agent
00:51:33I know I don't have an agent
00:51:34You think I don't know that?
00:51:36Don't yell at me
00:51:37Well, don't talk to me
00:51:38Like I'm a fucking idiot
00:51:39You think I like being
00:51:41Broke all the time?
00:51:42You think I like
00:51:43Wearing that cheap tuxedo
00:51:44Serving up salmon
00:51:46And greasy cheesy sauce
00:51:47You think I like
00:51:48Kissing Dee Dee Taylor's ass
00:51:50So she can get me a job
00:51:51Standing around
00:51:52In my bathing suit
00:51:52Which you bought
00:51:54How do you think
00:51:56That makes me feel?
00:51:57Huh?
00:52:02Joe, I'm sorry, okay?
00:52:03I'm sorry
00:52:03I didn't mean it
00:52:04Okay?
00:52:06Come here
00:52:07No
00:52:08I know how hard
00:52:10It is on you, Joe
00:52:11But it's hard on me too
00:52:15I feel like
00:52:16Everything's on my shoulders
00:52:19I feel like I'm all alone
00:52:20I know
00:52:22I've got to ask Ernst
00:52:25For more work
00:52:26That's all there is to it
00:52:27I've got to find some way
00:52:30To make some more money
00:52:31Joe, come here
00:52:33Joe, I love you
00:52:43Whether you have money or not
00:52:44Okay?
00:52:45I don't want to argue with you
00:52:47I came home tonight
00:52:48And I really wanted to see you
00:52:50Did you go out and have a drink
00:52:52After class?
00:52:53No, class went a little later tonight
00:52:55And I hopped in a cab
00:52:56And came home
00:52:57You took a cab?
00:53:02Yeah, I just wanted to get home
00:53:03That makes sense
00:53:06How's that?
00:53:13Okay
00:53:14Hey, Mary, look at this.
00:53:39Look at this woman's underwear.
00:53:40See how it's all sleek and lacy,
00:53:41how it accentuates every part of her body
00:53:44and presents it like a beautiful piece of candy?
00:53:47What's the matter?
00:53:48Nothing. I'm just listening.
00:53:49Well, you got a funny look on your face.
00:53:51Joe, I'm just waiting for you to make your point.
00:53:53Well, my point is, compare that to men's underwear,
00:53:55which is white, cotton, shapeless, essentially a diaper.
00:53:58What do you think that's saying?
00:54:00All men are babies.
00:54:02I'm trying to be serious here, Mary.
00:54:04I think this is an important statement
00:54:05about the relationship between men and women.
00:54:07Good. I think you should write a book about it,
00:54:09and then maybe you can tour the country lecturing at lingerie stores.
00:54:13Thanks a lot, Mary. That's very funny.
00:54:15I still need the rent.
00:54:17I'm picking my check up from Ernst today.
00:54:19I might be a little bit late tonight
00:54:21because I've got an audition.
00:54:23For what?
00:54:25Some movie.
00:54:26Oh.
00:54:26Dee Dee Taylor called me in.
00:54:28Well, good luck.
00:54:30So I guess we're still fighting, huh?
00:54:32I'm not fighting.
00:54:36What? No kiss goodbye?
00:54:49I had an abortion.
00:54:51So what?
00:54:53Dirk, how could you be so cruel?
00:54:56I'm not cruel, Deanna.
00:54:57I'm honest.
00:54:58And I know exactly what you are.
00:55:02I want to go.
00:55:03No, you don't.
00:55:04I want...
00:55:05You want me.
00:55:06That's what you want.
00:55:09Cut! Cut! Cut!
00:55:11Bob, it's all about energy, man.
00:55:14When you grab her, I need to see energy.
00:55:17What the fuck do you mean?
00:55:20Sis, be so kind as to tell him what the fuck I mean.
00:55:23Louder, Carl.
00:55:25Is that what you're saying?
00:55:26God fucking damn it.
00:55:28I'm coming down.
00:55:29God damn it.
00:55:31Shh.
00:55:31Shh.
00:55:32Jesus Christ.
00:55:37This is what I'm talking about.
00:55:41You grab her.
00:55:43Like this.
00:55:44Hard.
00:55:45She feels it.
00:55:46You feel it.
00:55:48She's turned on.
00:55:49She's like a hunted animal.
00:55:51Suddenly you pull her to you, like this.
00:55:54Oh, I like that.
00:55:55Rip her blouse.
00:55:57Wardrobe.
00:55:57Let her know that it's sex right now, whether she wants it or not.
00:56:03Okay, Shakespeare, go nuts.
00:56:08And...
00:56:09action.
00:56:12I had an erection.
00:56:17I mean abortion.
00:56:18Abortion.
00:56:19All right, all right.
00:56:22Come on, Bob.
00:56:23I said action.
00:56:27Action.
00:56:29What the fuck's wrong with it?
00:56:31Oh, bloody Christ.
00:56:35Bob.
00:56:36Bob.
00:56:37I'm off the show, Roy.
00:56:38No contract.
00:56:41No, nothing.
00:56:42Party's over.
00:56:43That's it.
00:56:44Bob, Bob, Bob.
00:56:45Bob.
00:56:45You're a fan.
00:56:46You're making way too much out of this, man.
00:56:48You just got a little jammed up.
00:56:49That's all.
00:56:50It happens to everybody.
00:56:51No.
00:56:52We've got a big, big problem here.
00:56:54And I can tell you exactly where it is.
00:56:56All right.
00:56:56It's Carl.
00:56:57Right?
00:56:58Do you want a new director?
00:56:59No.
00:57:00It is Dirk and Deanna.
00:57:01Their story is stalled.
00:57:03They keep going in circles, saying the same things over and over.
00:57:08They're not real.
00:57:09There's no movement.
00:57:10No development.
00:57:11All right.
00:57:12Okay.
00:57:12You want development?
00:57:13No problem.
00:57:14Here we go.
00:57:15Okay.
00:57:16They, uh...
00:57:17They get married.
00:57:20Right?
00:57:21So we do the whole ceremony.
00:57:23And the wedding night.
00:57:26Hot tub.
00:57:27Baby oil.
00:57:29You with me?
00:57:30See?
00:57:31You want development?
00:57:31You got it.
00:57:33You see, I'd go in exactly the opposite direction.
00:57:37Think about this, Roy.
00:57:39The next time Deanna attempts suicide, it works.
00:57:47That would be funny.
00:57:49Christ, she talks about it enough.
00:57:52Every single episode.
00:57:56She kills herself?
00:57:59She kills herself.
00:58:05She kills herself.
00:58:10God.
00:58:14I can't believe how simple that was.
00:58:17Hey.
00:58:17Hey, good idea, Roy.
00:58:19Thanks for thinking about it.
00:58:22Hey?
00:58:23I mean it.
00:58:32Clean press.
00:58:33Hang.
00:58:34No, boss.
00:58:35Uh-uh.
00:58:36You're the best, Chang.
00:58:37Well, I know it.
00:58:38Here.
00:58:39I've got something for you.
00:58:40Oh, no.
00:58:44My old tuxedo.
00:58:45Mr. Bob.
00:58:47Come on.
00:58:48I told you I was going to give it to you.
00:58:49Just take it, will you?
00:58:51Will you sign?
00:58:52What?
00:58:53Your name.
00:58:54Sign your name here.
00:58:56Chang.
00:58:56I'm not going to sign a fucking tuxedo.
00:58:58Oh, yes, Mr. Bob.
00:59:00You will sign.
00:59:01Souvenir.
00:59:02Remember?
00:59:07Hey, Bob.
00:59:09Hey.
00:59:10Hey.
00:59:10Look at you.
00:59:12Look at this.
00:59:13Look at this.
00:59:13How are you?
00:59:14All your money.
00:59:14How are you, man?
00:59:16I'm great.
00:59:16Hey, did you get my message, man?
00:59:17You never fucking called me, you bastard.
00:59:20I was going to call you, but I've been so busy with this goddamn soap.
00:59:23Oh, yeah.
00:59:23It's going pretty well, huh?
00:59:25You can't complain, yeah.
00:59:26Just signed a five-year contract today.
00:59:28That's great.
00:59:29Five years.
00:59:30What about you?
00:59:31Still doing the catering?
00:59:32Oh, yeah, yeah.
00:59:33I'm picking up my tux right now.
00:59:35And, uh, check it out.
00:59:40What's that?
00:59:41I did a Madonna video.
00:59:43Yeah.
00:59:44She called me at home.
00:59:46I've been trying to call her back, but I haven't been able to get through, you know?
00:59:51What?
00:59:52What, you don't believe me?
00:59:53Come over to my house.
00:59:54Come over right now.
00:59:55Come on.
00:59:55Let's go over to my house.
00:59:56I'll play the message for you.
00:59:57I saved the tape.
00:59:58Come on, I'll play it for you.
00:59:59Hey, that was this chick I know.
01:00:02She does a great Madonna imitation.
01:00:04I said, hey, call my buddy Joe.
01:00:07Say you're Madonna.
01:00:08Leave a fake number.
01:00:09I didn't think she was going to do it.
01:00:14That was you?
01:00:15Yeah.
01:00:17Hey, I'm sorry.
01:00:18I thought you'd get a kick out of it.
01:00:20I mean, I'm really sorry.
01:00:21No.
01:00:22We should get together sometime.
01:00:24Yeah.
01:00:24Yeah, definitely.
01:00:25Come on, let's get together.
01:00:26All right, I'll give you a call.
01:00:28Hey, you look good, man.
01:00:29Hey.
01:00:30Likewise.
01:00:30Hey, I might be getting married.
01:00:38Have you been back to class since then?
01:00:40Well, yeah.
01:00:41But I can barely look at him.
01:00:43I'm still so furious.
01:00:45Mary, I'm wondering if this enormous anger you have toward Doug is not somewhat misplaced.
01:00:52What do you mean?
01:00:53Well, should he be so harshly condemned simply for finding you sexually desirable?
01:01:01Well, should I be grateful to him for wanting to kiss me?
01:01:04Is that what you're saying?
01:01:06Mary, I know this is a sensitive subject for you.
01:01:10But please try to remember I'm on your side.
01:01:15I believe that you do indeed have some difficulty in accepting yourself as a beautiful, sexually desirable young woman.
01:01:24Dr. Loiter, would you please stop saying that?
01:01:27Why?
01:01:28Well, honestly, it's just a little weird hearing it from my therapist.
01:01:33That's all.
01:01:34Yes.
01:01:34I am your therapist, Mary, but I am also a man.
01:01:37And I would be lying to you if I said that I didn't have impulses as both.
01:01:42Do you think my lying to you would be beneficial?
01:01:45No.
01:01:46In truth, I've entertained sexual thoughts about you many times during our meetings.
01:01:51Dr. Loiter.
01:01:52Let me finish, please.
01:01:54Okay.
01:01:55In fact, just a moment ago while you were speaking,
01:01:58and while I was utterly and professionally engaged in what you were saying,
01:02:03part of me was imagining what your breasts would feel like, naked, in my hands.
01:02:15I think I better leave.
01:02:17Mary, sit down, please.
01:02:18Mary, please.
01:02:21It is imperative that you confront this issue.
01:02:25Mary.
01:02:26Mary.
01:02:27Mary.
01:02:33What the fuck?
01:02:36What, are you guys friends all over the fucking place?
01:02:37Yeah, I just happen to have friends, as a matter of fact.
01:02:40I am not your fucking dog.
01:02:44Hey.
01:02:45Oh, my God.
01:02:45Look, I'm not going to fucking tell you again.
01:02:47Hey.
01:02:48See what you made me do?
01:02:49Take it easy.
01:02:50Listen to me.
01:02:51You don't have to hit her.
01:02:51Who the fuck?
01:02:52Shut the fuck up.
01:02:53Trent, please.
01:02:54Just stop it.
01:02:55I'm an asshole, huh?
01:02:56You're an asshole, pal.
01:02:57Yeah, I'm an asshole.
01:02:59Oh, my God.
01:02:59You want to get shot, motherfucker, huh?
01:03:01Half fuckface, you want to get shot?
01:03:02Go ahead, shoot me.
01:03:03I'm making your fucking brain.
01:03:04Go ahead.
01:03:04What the fuck happened?
01:03:05Go ahead, do it.
01:03:05You fucking shoot me.
01:03:06Go ahead, shoot the whole fucking world.
01:03:08We don't care.
01:03:09Go ahead.
01:03:15Lisa!
01:03:16Come on, baby.
01:03:18I'm sorry.
01:03:32Excuse me, Ernest.
01:03:35What is it?
01:03:36You're probably going to want to fire me, but somehow I have lost my bow tie.
01:03:42Jesus.
01:03:44Mary, Joseph, and Moses.
01:03:46I've looked everywhere for it.
01:03:48It must have fallen out of my bag.
01:03:49And I, well, I know you're really short tonight, and I feel terrible.
01:03:59Come here, Joe.
01:04:00This is called a four-in-hand.
01:04:17Do you know how to tie it?
01:04:20No, sir.
01:04:20Mine was a clip-on.
01:04:23Are you on it for the lunch tomorrow?
01:04:24No, I wasn't told.
01:04:28Put it in your book.
01:04:30Thank you, Ernest.
01:04:31I'll make sure I have my own tie.
01:04:34Keep this one.
01:04:36Looks better, aren't you?
01:04:49And hit.
01:04:50And hit.
01:04:52Okay.
01:04:53Um, we've got about a minute left.
01:04:56Chantel, why don't you come up to the front?
01:04:58Doug, could someone else go?
01:04:59I don't feel that good today.
01:05:02Oh, Chantel, I mean, your RRQ is one of the lowest in the class.
01:05:05I really feel right now, if we go for it, we can probably bring you up 25 points.
01:05:09What do you say?
01:05:10Come on.
01:05:11Good.
01:05:15Okay, now, just relax.
01:05:18Come on, big mama.
01:05:20I got something for you right here, big mama.
01:05:23It's all yours, big mama.
01:05:25Come on, come on.
01:05:27Okay, okay, okay.
01:05:29That's all right.
01:05:30You all right?
01:05:31It's okay.
01:05:36Class, remember tears?
01:05:38An entirely appropriate response.
01:05:40Mary, why don't you come up?
01:05:48How've you been?
01:05:50Good.
01:05:51You seem a little upset about something.
01:05:54You okay?
01:05:54Never better.
01:05:56Okay.
01:05:57So why don't you turn around and show me that sweet little cupcake ass of yours?
01:06:02Come on.
01:06:03I need to, the boy!
01:06:15I need to, the boy!
01:06:19I had an abortion.
01:06:37So what?
01:06:38Dirk, how can you be so cruel?
01:06:40I'm not cruel, Diana.
01:06:42I'm honest.
01:06:43And here.
01:06:45I brought you something.
01:06:49I love you, Dirk.
01:06:57Goodbye.
01:06:57Oh, my God.
01:07:00She finally did it.
01:07:12Shit.
01:07:20Hi.
01:07:21Joe Finnegan.
01:07:21I have a 745.
01:07:22They just took the 8 o'clock.
01:07:28Sorry.
01:07:29You're going to have to wait.
01:07:30Give me the gun, Shelly.
01:07:32Okay.
01:07:33I love you, Nick.
01:07:35I'm going to ask you.
01:07:37What a bummer.
01:07:39Joe.
01:07:41Joe.
01:07:44Joe.
01:07:47Joe.
01:07:52Hi, Mary.
01:07:58It's Sahara.
01:07:59You're not going to believe this, but I think I'm getting married.
01:08:03I know it's crazy, but I'm in love.
01:08:04Okay, give me a call.
01:08:06Okay, bye.
01:08:08Joe and Mary, quite contrary.
01:08:11Some might call them adversaries.
01:08:14Nonetheless, I must confess, she's the one I love the best.
01:08:19I'll see you tonight.
01:08:20Bye.
01:08:23Beautiful, Larry.
01:08:24Thanks, man.
01:08:24Great job.
01:08:24Great script.
01:08:25Really good.
01:08:25All right, we'll talk to you, all right?
01:08:26Next, Evie.
01:08:27Big kiss.
01:08:28Big one.
01:08:29See you, Larry.
01:08:30See you later.
01:08:32Great to see you, Lawrence.
01:08:34Next, please.
01:08:36Finnegan?
01:08:39All right, now, Devon, I've got one more here.
01:08:41I want you to do this.
01:08:41Who's this guy?
01:08:42I have no idea.
01:08:42Ah, this is Joe Finnegan.
01:08:45I told you, I thought you should sing.
01:08:46I'd like two white wines and a Bloody Mary.
01:08:49Frankly, so would I.
01:08:50Joe, why are you wearing a tuxedo?
01:08:53Sorry, Miss Taylor.
01:08:53I just got off work.
01:08:54I didn't have time to change.
01:08:56Joe, most of these parts are already cast.
01:08:58But since you are the last one, we are going to let you read the Nick and Shelly scene.
01:09:06All right, now that is Tina.
01:09:07She's going to be reading with you.
01:09:09I know you.
01:09:14The Madonna video.
01:09:17Don't you remember?
01:09:18You thought I really was Madonna?
01:09:20Oh, my God.
01:09:21You look completely different.
01:09:22You changed your hair.
01:09:23Yeah, I'm back to my real color.
01:09:25Okay, okay.
01:09:28It's fairly simple.
01:09:29You are a serial killer.
01:09:31A very sexy serial killer.
01:09:34She thinks that you love killing more than you love her.
01:09:38So she grabs the gun that you have just used to kill her father and mother and sister and brother.
01:09:45I still, I really don't think the brother, it's too much.
01:09:48No, you need the brother.
01:09:48He's symbolic.
01:09:49Would you two please just mind saving this?
01:09:53I will make this decision.
01:09:55All right?
01:09:57Anytime you're ready.
01:09:59I love you, Shelly.
01:10:01Give me the gun.
01:10:02No.
01:10:03Give it to me.
01:10:04You don't love me.
01:10:05I do.
01:10:06Tell me one thing that you love about me.
01:10:09Tell me.
01:10:11I love your hair.
01:10:15I love your breath.
01:10:17Your skin, your eyes.
01:10:19I love your smile.
01:10:21Your touch.
01:10:22I love the way you fall asleep at night.
01:10:26Holding my finger.
01:10:29Please.
01:10:32Please.
01:10:34Give me the gun.
01:10:41Changed some of the lines there, Joe.
01:10:44I'm sorry, I got a little lost.
01:10:45Thanks.
01:10:46No, no, no, no, wait, wait, wait.
01:10:49Uh, see something else.
01:10:51Oh, just ask, of course.
01:10:52I'll find out.
01:10:53Uh, Joe.
01:10:54We'd like to see, uh, something else now.
01:10:58Something, um, with a little different tone.
01:11:01Right now?
01:11:02Anything you want, Joe.
01:11:03Uh, we just want to get some idea of, uh, your reign.
01:11:06Do you have anything, Joe?
01:11:10You know, Biff, sometimes I just want to rip my clothes off in the middle of that store
01:11:22and outbox that goddamn merchandise manager.
01:11:33I mean, I can outbox, outrun, and outlift anybody in that store.
01:11:40And still, I have to take orders from those common, petty sons of bitches till I can't stand it anymore.
01:11:50You see, Biff, everybody around me is so false.
01:12:06I'm constantly lowering my ideals.
01:12:08Oh, my God.
01:12:15Oh.
01:12:18Ah.
01:12:20You see?
01:12:21I told you my instincts were never wrong.
01:12:22That was very good, Joe.
01:12:24Very, very good.
01:12:26Bravo.
01:12:26Bravo.
01:12:26Hey, I just got a part in a movie.
01:12:48I still can't believe it.
01:12:50My first part in a movie.
01:12:52They all loved you, Joe.
01:12:54You were so great.
01:12:55I was great.
01:12:56Well, you know, you were great.
01:12:58I mean, I don't know why you're not acting in it.
01:12:59No, I'm not an actress, Joe.
01:13:01I know that now.
01:13:03What about standing in for Madonna?
01:13:06Blonde, black, back to blonde.
01:13:09My hair couldn't take it anymore.
01:13:11I think your hair looks great this way.
01:13:14Yeah.
01:13:16I think it looks great.
01:13:22I wanted to do that all night.
01:13:23Hey, I just got a part in a movie.
01:13:28That's incredible.
01:13:34A friend of mine told me about this place.
01:13:37You see all these waitresses?
01:13:39They're all models.
01:13:41All of them.
01:13:41High-class models.
01:13:42You're so sexy, Joe.
01:13:50I want you right now.
01:13:53Tina, I want you too.
01:13:56When you said those things you loved about me, it felt like you really meant it.
01:14:00Like, like you were really talking to me.
01:14:04Wow, this is crazy.
01:14:05I know.
01:14:06This is crazy.
01:14:06Let's go back to my place.
01:14:08Oh, boy.
01:14:10I'd really like to, but...
01:14:11I like you too, Joe.
01:14:13No, no.
01:14:13I mean, I gotta go.
01:14:15You gotta go?
01:14:16I'm sorry, Tina.
01:14:18You be all right?
01:14:19Yeah.
01:14:22Yeah, I'm gonna be all right.
01:14:28It's good to see you again, Joe.
01:14:30You too, Tina.
01:14:31I got the part.
01:14:57Did you?
01:14:58A part in the film.
01:14:59And there's money.
01:15:01Joe.
01:15:02Joe, that's fantastic.
01:15:04Joe.
01:15:06Joe.
01:15:07Joe.
01:15:09Do I have a sexual problem?
01:15:11Are you crazy?
01:15:13Dr. Loiter said I had a sexual problem because I didn't want to hear his fantasies about me.
01:15:18What fantasies?
01:15:19He said he was a man and wondered what my breasts would feel like naked in his hands.
01:15:24Well, I'm a man and he's going to wonder what my fist feels like naked in his face.
01:15:28Joe.
01:15:28Oh, Joe.
01:15:31You don't think I have a sexual problem?
01:15:33Oh, no.
01:15:35But even you said I wasn't spontaneous.
01:15:37Well, you know, come on, Mary.
01:15:45I meant both of us.
01:15:49You're still attracted to me?
01:15:50Of course I am.
01:15:52We haven't made love in over two months.
01:15:55I know that.
01:15:57Are you kidding?
01:15:57I'm very aware of that.
01:16:00Maybe you're not attracted to me.
01:16:02How can you say that?
01:16:04Maybe you're attracted to guys like your self-defense teacher and his big fancy BMW.
01:16:09Joe, I am very attracted to you.
01:16:16I'm very, very, very attracted to you, Mary.
01:16:21You were incredible.
01:16:24Hey, what about you?
01:16:27A little rabbit?
01:16:28A little sex rabbit?
01:16:31Carrot boy.
01:16:36Oh.
01:16:37Hey, how did you know my teacher had a BMW?
01:16:40Does he?
01:16:40Yeah.
01:16:46Lucky guess.
01:16:48Sorry about the rubber.
01:16:51Think we'll be okay?
01:16:54I don't know.
01:16:56I hope so.
01:17:10Good morning.
01:17:39How do you like your eggs, baby?
01:17:40Over easy.
01:17:44All righty.
01:17:45Over easy it is.
01:17:46Everything is going to be easy from here on out.
01:17:49And you know what I've decided?
01:17:51For the wedding, I'm going to go back to my real color.
01:17:56Brunette again.
01:17:57I haven't been a brunette in years.
01:17:58I don't know how long.
01:18:01Besides, it's the real me anyway.
01:18:05And who more would you want than the real me?
01:18:08Right, Robert?
01:18:08Nothing more than just absolutely me.
01:18:11I feel so comfortable with you.
01:18:12I'm so just kind of cool.
01:18:14I'm so excited about this wedding.
01:18:16I'm going to tell you what I meant.
01:18:17I'm so excited about this wedding.
01:18:18I'm so excited about this wedding.
01:18:19I'm so excited about this wedding.
01:18:20I'm so excited about this wedding.
01:18:21I'm so excited about this wedding.
01:18:22I'm so excited about this wedding.
01:18:23I'm so excited about this wedding.
01:18:24I'm so excited about this wedding.
01:18:25I'm so excited about this wedding.
01:18:26I'm so excited about this wedding.
01:18:27I'm so excited about this wedding.
01:18:28I'm so excited about this wedding.
01:18:29I'm so excited about this wedding.
01:18:30I'm so excited about this wedding.
01:18:31I'm so excited about this wedding.
01:18:32I'm so excited about this wedding.
01:18:33I'm so excited about this wedding.
01:18:34I'm so excited about this wedding.
01:18:35I'm so excited about this wedding.
01:18:36I'm so excited about this wedding.
01:18:37I'm so excited about this wedding.
01:18:38You
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