- 6 hours ago
- #realitytvdeep
#RealityTVDeep
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00Child, my quirks hadn't exactly gone under the radar.
00:03See you later, Landon.
00:04I was basically a box of broken biscuits,
00:07but I enjoyed being on the wonky side.
00:10Until...
00:111989.
00:15I'd grown a foot, dropped two octaves,
00:17and unbeknownst to me, was heading into a new era.
00:21A saucy one.
00:23So this was it.
00:24It was happening to little old me, of all people.
00:28Lust.
00:29Desire.
00:30Passion.
00:32Boobies.
00:34My libido had gone full throttle,
00:37so I loved popping into Athena.
00:39It was like woolies for perverts.
00:44All right, I thought women were a bit like olives.
00:47They'd turn your stomach at first,
00:49but if you persevere, you'd learn to love them.
00:56Oh, who was I kidding?
00:58I was there for Jake.
01:01Who needs a tennis player itching her bum
01:03when the cutest boy in school is tugging at your heartstrings?
01:06Oh, hello.
01:12You here again?
01:15It's a Saturday job.
01:17I've got to be here every Saturday.
01:19Uh, I was just wondering,
01:21have you got that poster with that lady on the motorbike?
01:23Well, yeah, cracking photo, though.
01:25Suzuki Katana.
01:27Well, I don't know her name, but lovely bike.
01:30Do you roll them,
01:31or do they come ready rolled in a plastic sheaf?
01:34Ready rolled.
01:34Oh, me and Mum love Cyndi Lawl, huh?
01:43It's £3.80.
01:44Hmm?
01:45£3.80.
01:47Oh.
01:51Keep the change.
01:53oh yeah absolutely love a life about me you do not want to be lost at sea without one of those
02:01boys no sorry you're funny oh see you Monday then oh god I nearly ran off with this key ring
02:14keep it well they won't even notice if you want it keep it
02:23it's like a dream
02:26oh how come
02:27bye
02:28no that's gonna kill me
02:53my dad was riding high and also looking for a man not like that a midfielder
03:00Graham
03:00hey shush shush shush he's on telly
03:03manager of the month again you're gonna have a drink problem at this rate
03:07yeah uh chuffed to bits um we're obviously doing something right
03:12any transfers on the horizon anyone caught your eye
03:15uh they have i'm just uh waiting for this one to open his checkbook
03:19oh oh yeah it's open it's my my pen is poised
03:24ah it better be because i need a midfielder sharpish
03:27don't don't put that on on the tv no no yeah i mean do we do that photo come on
03:33come here like go hang in guys
03:36come on guys come on come on
03:41come in here it's a brilliant whiskey not champagne you idiot
03:45don't
03:50Oh.
03:51Oh.
03:53Oh.
03:57Woo!
03:58Ha!
04:00Ha!
04:03All right.
04:05Look at your face.
04:07You're on selling that.
04:11Now you are now.
04:13Woo!
04:15Oh, was it?
04:20Yeah, great.
04:21Call me flipper.
04:24Mr. Carr!
04:26Miss Pearson's waving at you.
04:28No, she's not.
04:28Off you go.
04:29Mr. Carr!
04:30Put your foot down.
04:31Down, down, down.
04:33Glad I caught you.
04:35Miss Pearson.
04:36Dad loved sporty women.
04:38He only ever looked at a cleavage to see if there was a stopwatch there.
04:41Is everything all right?
04:42I don't know.
04:43Is it?
04:44Oh, no, this is Graham's.
04:48He won it.
04:49It's, uh, Manager of the Month award.
04:54All right, congratulations.
04:56They're not wrong.
04:57Thank you very much.
04:58That's very kind of you.
05:01Are you all right, Alan?
05:02Yeah.
05:03He had a great time, by all accounts.
05:05Oh, did he?
05:06Well, I don't know where, because he never turned up for a swimming lesson.
05:09You what?
05:10What happens?
05:10If it happens again, I'll have to give his place away.
05:12It won't.
05:14I'll throw him in myself.
05:15I am so sorry, Miss Pearson.
05:20Good stride.
05:22Where the bloody hell were you?
05:24I had a dicky tan.
05:27Not funny, Gavin.
05:29You smell lemonade?
05:30We all know I'm no fan of P.E.
05:36Cry it out loud.
05:37Get on with it.
05:38But when Jake was doing the picking, everything seemed bearable.
05:42Even team sports.
05:44All right.
05:45Alan.
05:46Me.
05:47He picked me.
05:48I would have picked Sam and myself.
05:52I won't let you down.
05:57Go get it.
05:59Let's do it.
06:00All right, Scrummagee.
06:04Come on.
06:05You go there.
06:06I'll go here.
06:06Here we go.
06:07I'll do it.
06:09So, how was the rest of your weekend?
06:12We saw each other Saturday.
06:14What?
06:15He just came to the shop.
06:16What?
06:17Oh, it's a modern art.
06:18Oh, and a cairn.
06:19Well, I didn't have to buy the cairn, because Jake gave it to me.
06:23Gratis.
06:24Are you giving him free stuff?
06:25Yeah.
06:26Yes, you did.
06:28You're buying him presents, Jake.
06:29It's not a big deal.
06:30I just said, you know, like, the boss never cares.
06:33Oh, my God, you're flirting with Alan.
06:35Oh, shut up.
06:35He probably fancies you.
06:37No, I don't.
06:38Who's looking at tits?
06:39You know the posters.
06:41No, I'm not a caveman.
06:44I don't just look at the tits, I look at the howling.
06:47Sure, sure.
06:48Who do you fancy, then?
06:50Yeah, come on, Alan.
06:51Who's the unlucky lady?
06:55Why is this taking so long?
06:57Yeah, come on, Alan.
06:57Georgie.
06:58Oh, Georgie.
07:00What would you like about her?
07:01Her name, because it sounded like her boys.
07:04She's formidable.
07:07Well, you, buddy, should ask her out.
07:09Yeah, ask her out.
07:11Why not?
07:13I'm coming for you.
07:16It's lucky, old Georgie.
07:19What are you doing?
07:20Comparing persons?
07:21Come on, crack on, lads.
07:23Come on.
07:24So when you're asking her out, Alan?
07:25Yeah, on the leg.
07:27Cat, what are you staring at?
07:29Come on, Alan.
07:30Saturday meant another swimming lesson, and after a finagate, my mum was watching me like
07:42a hawk.
07:43Right, I want to see you back here in an hour.
07:45Right, go on.
07:46I want to see you going.
07:47Come on.
07:50Go on.
07:51Have fun.
07:52No, don't trust him.
08:01Where's your trunks?
08:03I didn't bring them.
08:04I'll cover for you.
08:05You can cover for me.
08:12You're wearing that?
08:13Look at how real cowlick if I don't.
08:15Right, not when you're done.
08:17I'm starving.
08:18I don't know what was more humiliating, being forced to do a swimming lesson because your
08:27dad fancied the teacher, or that your classmates were six.
08:37Hang in, bro.
08:38Hand me.
08:40Right, everybody in.
08:42I mean, I mean, I'll smash a bottle of champers on me.
08:56Good start, Alan, but you're flapping needlessly.
08:58Your feet can't touch the bottom.
09:00And stop splashing.
09:01You're scaring the others.
09:03Just swim.
09:03It's not that hard.
09:04The only thing tighter than my swim cap was Ron's wallet.
09:09The cobblers needed a midfielder fast, and he was treading water.
09:14Yes.
09:16Yeah.
09:18Well, let me have a few chats this evening, OK?
09:21Hang on, Martin.
09:23Paperwork for Bodley.
09:25Sale done.
09:25That's 19k in our pocket.
09:27Up the offer for Thomas.
09:28Well, he can't offer the full 19.
09:30I mean, I've got to hold the bit back, Graham.
09:33I've got gaps to plug.
09:35Gaps to plug?
09:36I've got a gaping hole in midfield.
09:37Yeah, but 19k, we can't.
09:39Oh, trust me, Ron, he's worth every penny of it.
09:43Oh, we need this.
09:45I heard he's got dodgy knees.
09:47Big time.
09:48Hear him click for the stands.
09:50Look.
09:51Sorry, Martin.
09:53Yeah.
09:54Yeah, we'd like to offer...
09:5619k.
10:05Black coffee, please.
10:08Sorry, I'm Graham Carr's wife.
10:11Oh, yeah.
10:12Yes, I am.
10:13I've seen you in the papers.
10:15It's amazing.
10:16He's amazing.
10:18Yeah, thank you.
10:19I've had a good run of it, aren't we?
10:22He's at the ground now.
10:24Big day.
10:26Buying, selling, transferring this, transferring that,
10:31buying bits and bobs.
10:33Yeah, big.
10:35Big.
10:35There's a lot of buying and selling going on.
10:38I couldn't get your autograph, could I?
10:41Oh, God, no.
10:45Really?
10:46Oh, you don't want mine?
10:48Who should I make it out to?
10:50Wendy.
10:51Wendy.
10:51She just did her usual signature.
10:56But from that point on, she took to making the A of Carr
10:59into a little football.
11:01That's a little football.
11:04Thank you, Wendy.
11:08One pound thirty, please.
11:10Little biscuit.
11:18I'm sorry.
11:19What was your name?
11:20Becky.
11:21Thank you, Becky.
11:28Frothy coffee, please.
11:29Oh, they should have called by now.
11:46Oh, it's a yes, surely.
11:47Nineteen care.
11:48Fancy a tea?
11:49Oh, fancy a tea.
11:51Joy!
11:52Joy!
11:56Yeah, let's go back.
11:57Joy!
12:14Hello, stranger.
12:15Oh, good almighty, Ange.
12:17Let's get you a napkin.
12:19Sorry, she's had a little spillage.
12:20Don't chase her too big for your face.
12:22Another one?
12:23No, I'll go.
12:25They, um...
12:26sort of know me here.
12:29No, regular haunt, is it?
12:31No, they recognise me.
12:33Cos of Graham, all the press nonsense.
12:36I'm still getting used to it.
12:38Alright.
12:39I'm not going to believe this.
12:42Woman
12:43just asked me for me autograph.
12:46I don't believe it, no.
12:48I'll go.
12:49She gave me a free biscuit when she clocked who I was.
12:52Oh, Christine, bless you.
12:53No, they give everyone a little biscuit.
12:55Yeah, but I didn't pay for it.
12:56Nobody pays for the little biscuit.
12:59Yeah, but she did a sort of cheeky smile when she put it on.
13:02People tend to do a cheeky smile when there's a biscuit around, Christine.
13:04No.
13:05It was definite.
13:06Let's see, shall we?
13:07Martin, knock 9k off that.
13:16We've crunched the numbers again.
13:1810k is top whack.
13:20I know, I know, but think about it.
13:23No.
13:25Martin.
13:27Wash your mouth out.
13:29I need you to phone that phone from this phone.
13:39What phone?
13:40That phone.
13:41Boardroom phone.
13:42Can't I just call it from my office phone?
13:45Hmm.
13:46Then it would be an internal ring.
13:48Brrrr.
13:49We need it to be an external ring.
13:52Brrrr.
13:52Brrrr.
13:54Right.
13:55Right.
13:55But it is internal, because it's me.
13:59But it's not you, is it?
14:03Just phone that bloody phone from this bloody phone, please, Joy.
14:07And what do I say?
14:09Nothing!
14:15She's on its way.
14:17Doggy paddle's not the most efficient stroke, Alan.
14:19If it's good enough for a labrador.
14:22Nice.
14:22Oi, Alan.
14:29Where's your armband?
14:31Nice swimming cap.
14:33Why are you in the pissy pool with the toddlers?
14:36Excuse me.
14:37This is a private lesson.
14:38A private lesson that I'm helping Miss Pearson with as a teaching assistant.
14:43Yeah, that's it.
14:44Alan.
14:46What did I say, Peter, about kicking those legs?
14:49No, Joanne, push through the water.
14:53No, for the love of God, no, it's good enough.
14:55Alan.
14:56Really cute, innit?
14:57The Little Mermaid's trying to get a five-metre badge.
14:59Nice one.
15:02Alan, get back here.
15:03Yeah, I'm just going on the break.
15:05Mrs Pearson, can you help me?
15:06Oh, oh, come on.
15:08Jane.
15:08Hey.
15:09Oh, my God.
15:10What are you doing here?
15:11It's a Saturday.
15:12Oh, um, I got the sack.
15:14Why?
15:15Couldn't be giving stuff away.
15:16Oh, the key ring.
15:17It was so mad.
15:18No, it's not.
15:19It wasn't that.
15:21My mum paid with the tenner and I gave her 20 change.
15:25Oh, she ain't a rebel, you devil.
15:29See you in there.
15:29Are you perving on Jane?
15:48Well, no.
15:49Because your girlfriend's here.
15:51I don't know.
15:52Georgie.
15:53How is she?
15:55You can ask her out.
15:57Right, I gotta go.
15:58Bye.
15:59Ask her out.
16:03Alan thinks you're hot, Georgie.
16:05Isn't that right, Alan?
16:07Guilty as charged.
16:10And Maz, everyone thinks you're hot too.
16:12Yeah, I know.
16:13God, yeah.
16:15It's like being in a soap with two sexy croutons.
16:19What's a crouton?
16:20Why, when you were feeling so self-conscious,
16:23would you pop on a pair of trunks
16:24and bob along half-naked in a giant bath,
16:27hoping that someone, anyone,
16:28would find you attractive?
16:33No heavy-petting.
16:34You what?
16:35You heard.
16:35So just to clarify,
16:36the little biscuits, they're free.
16:38They're free, yep.
16:40For everyone.
16:41Yep.
16:42Not just the wives of third division football managers.
16:45What?
16:46Thought not.
16:48Thank you, sir.
16:49What's your name?
16:49Becky.
16:50Thank you, Becky.
16:52You've been very helpful.
16:53Hello?
17:05Hello?
17:05No!
17:06Hello, Martin!
17:09Have you?
17:11Oh, no.
17:13Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
17:15That's a, that's a shame.
17:18Thanks for letting us know.
17:20Yeah.
17:24They got a better offer.
17:26A 19K?
17:27Mm!
17:29You're joking.
17:30I wish I was.
17:31I really wish I was.
17:34Greedy buggers.
17:34I don't believe that.
17:44Thanks for that.
17:46Must have just left it.
17:47Yeah.
17:48Any chance of that tea?
17:50Yeah.
17:51Get a wiggle on, Joy.
17:56Oh, Georgie.
17:58Mona, Georgie.
17:59Oh, thanks, Scroke.
18:06I'd like to stroke your back.
18:11Feet bends.
18:12Oh, me!
18:13Stroke your back.
18:14Stroke your arse more like.
18:18You don't have to try so hard, do you?
18:20Yes, I do.
18:22Maybe you don't.
18:23You're charming, popular, debonair.
18:25Better at this stuff.
18:27You coming to the deep end, Alan, or what?
18:30No, yeah.
18:31You should probably just stay with the little ones.
18:33Keep up with your croutons, Alan.
18:35Shut up, Andy.
18:36He's not allowed in the deep end.
18:38Leave him.
18:39He's meant to be teaching.
18:41Give me him.
18:42No.
18:43No.
18:43See ya!
18:46My glasses!
18:48I can't see.
18:50My glasses were just there.
18:52Like Harold Bishop's were when he drowned in neighbours.
18:59Stop on the way.
19:01Stop on the way.
19:02Make your way over to Squash Call 1, please.
19:04Squash Call 1.
19:09We always say we should do coffee, don't we?
19:11I think I'm going to go and watch Alan for a bit.
19:21Okay.
19:21I'll come have a squeeze.
19:23Thank you, Becky.
19:24Thank you, Becky.
19:24We'll go get them, then.
19:46I'm just working out my angle of entrance.
20:01Jump in, man.
20:02What are you doing?
20:04He can't swim.
20:05Hold that climb.
20:06Prove it, then.
20:07Oh, don't, Leslie.
20:10Alan, get back in the baby pool.
20:12Oh, don't you?
20:13Oh, don't you?
20:14Oh, don't you?
20:15You should get it.
20:18Alan, get in the crash.
20:19Alan, go.
20:20I've got to swim.
20:21You're scared of something.
20:24Jump in, Alan.
20:25Jump in, Alan.
20:26Oh, this is crashing.
20:28Jump in.
20:29Jump in.
20:30Jump in.
20:31Jump in.
20:32Jump in.
20:33Jump in.
20:34Jump in.
20:35Jump in.
20:37Go around.
20:38Jump in.
20:39It's a poo in the poo.
20:40It's a poo in the poo.
20:41It's a poo in the poo.
20:42Evacuate the poo, everyone else.
20:44It's a poo in the poo.
20:45Evacuate the poo, everyone else.
20:50Ah!
20:51Please evacuate the poo.
20:52Ah!
20:53Please evacuate the poo.
20:54Ah!
20:56Please lift your way.
20:57Back to the changing rooms.
20:59Shame about your glasses, mate.
21:00There.
21:04Oh, my God!
21:06Out him!
21:07Someone out him!
21:08I couldn't help thinking these swimming lessons had been a waste of money.
21:18But drowning was preferable to romancing a girl.
21:25Where's Jake?
21:27Where's Alan?
21:38I just died and lost the night.
21:45How was it?
21:49Well, uh, thanks for asking.
21:52We lost Roberts.
21:53We nearly lost Alan.
21:55What?
21:56What's wrong with your glasses?
21:58Oh, they got washed in a suction pipe.
22:01So I couldn't swim.
22:02Who cares?
22:03I swallowed a floating plaster.
22:05So what?
22:06I was heading home with a lung filled with chlorine and a heart full of love.
22:12Maybe I should try drowning more often.
22:16Where's your hair dry?
22:21Tiki Tom?
Recommended
52:11
|
Up next
40:26
47:38
1:21:23
44:12
42:28
42:27
43:01
1:23:05
40:13
1:23:17
1:23:08
1:23:26
1:23:20
1:23:27
1:23:16
53:57
1:06:47
44:50
47:46
Be the first to comment