- 8 minutes ago
Army captain is flying three misfit deserters home for a court martial when the airplane has engine trouble and they crash-land in the ocean near an uncharted island.
Category
π₯
Short filmTranscript
00:00:00I'll see you next time.
00:00:30You're about to hear one of the strangest stories in military history.
00:00:51I know because it happened to me, Captain Jason Briggs, Army career man for 23 years,
00:00:56no visible scars. At least until that day we were flying some 30,000 feet over a very empty section
00:01:03of the Blue Pacific. Along for the ride was Sergeant Ben Healey, my second command since
00:01:09I was stationed in Seoul. A good tough man, but a royal pain in the ass, sometimes.
00:01:15Corporal Buzz Branigan was up front at the controls, helping me escort three of the
00:01:21sorriest excuses for soldiers it had ever been my displeasure to meet.
00:01:26Private Wilbur Tabowski, or Turbo as the others called him. To me, he was just another prisoner
00:01:31headed for military court in San Diego. They said Private Wayne Kincaid was the brain, but
00:01:37the kid looked as lost as his cohorts. Like Turbo, he was facing charges for going AWOL.
00:01:44And finally, there was Schemer, a pathetic, shiftless recruit who certainly lived up to
00:01:48his name. According to the report from Honolulu Command, he was the mastermind behind the theft
00:01:54of the tank that got Turbo and the brain in hot water. Little did we know that we were all
00:01:59about to find ourselves in hot water, with little hope for survival.
00:02:03What's going on?
00:02:05Better stop it in back there, guys. We're going to have the ditch.
00:02:13What the heck? What is it?
00:02:29Please, God, let it be club man.
00:02:57I wouldn't get your hopes up, John. According to the map, this place doesn't even exist.
00:03:02What are you saying, Lieutenant?
00:03:05What I'm saying is, this island is completely uncharted.
00:03:10Well, men, we made it back to good old Terra Firma, no matter what your charts say.
00:03:15Hey, Cap, look! It's our stuff! How'd it get here?
00:03:18Same way we did, that weird current.
00:03:20What do we do now, sir?
00:03:21First things first. Let's see what kind of supplies survived the crash. Hopefully there's
00:03:26something we can use.
00:03:38Oh!
00:03:39Hey, we got a first aid kit.
00:03:41And K-rations!
00:03:43And weapons!
00:03:46And playpen. This is something we can really use.
00:03:49Here's what I've been looking for.
00:03:51Transmitter.
00:03:52You think it still works?
00:03:52The batteries are still okay.
00:04:01Hey, look!
00:04:03What?
00:04:04I thought I saw something!
00:04:06Where?
00:04:07There! It ain't a cave!
00:04:09What was it?
00:04:11I'm not sure.
00:04:13Whatever it was, I'll flush it out.
00:04:15Hold it, Sergeant.
00:04:16We're too low on ammo for you to waste it.
00:04:19That's an order.
00:04:20Sir.
00:04:20What did this thing live in?
00:04:23I know it's gonna sound crazy, but it looked like a...
00:04:28Nah.
00:04:29It couldn't have been.
00:04:30It must be my imagination.
00:04:34Kincaid!
00:04:35Yes, Captain?
00:04:37How's Buzz?
00:04:38Why don't you ask him, sir?
00:04:39How you doing, soldier?
00:04:47Hey, okay, Cap.
00:04:49Just one thing.
00:04:50What?
00:04:51Sure could use a smoke.
00:04:54Here you go, buddy.
00:05:02What are his chances?
00:05:05Not good.
00:05:06We've got to move him inland.
00:05:07Get him out of the sun.
00:05:08Yeah.
00:05:09Private?
00:05:10Grab some weapons.
00:05:12Healey, give us a hand.
00:05:28Let's move around that point.
00:05:34We're gonna have to go in the drink again.
00:05:36Come on, let's hustle with that.
00:05:38Kencaid?
00:05:40I want you to find the lookout for him.
00:05:41Here, take this.
00:05:42Right, Captain.
00:05:43Come on, let's go.
00:05:46It's all clear.
00:05:47Bring around.
00:05:48Wayne, stay here with Buzz and do what you can for him.
00:06:01We'll scout around and see if we can find something to make a stretcher.
00:06:19Let's go.
00:06:20Come on, let's go.
00:06:39strange-looking trees
00:06:42never seen anything like them
00:06:44probably poisons
00:06:46why don't you take a bite and find out, Sarge
00:06:48why don't you bite my ass, schemer
00:06:49you know, according to my map
00:06:51the spot that we're looking for should be
00:06:54right over here
00:06:55is everything a joke to you, son?
00:06:57just my career, sir
00:06:59it won't be after this mission
00:07:01ha!
00:07:09how much farther are we going?
00:07:14why did you join this man's army in the first place?
00:07:16all you do is bitch
00:07:17I thought it would be more like Hogan's Heroes or F Troop
00:07:20besides, I heard you get laid a lot
00:07:21you do?
00:07:36captain
00:07:36are you sure arming these men is such a good idea?
00:07:40they are under house arrest
00:07:41there's no telling what we'll run into
00:07:43captain, can we take a break?
00:07:46what's your problem now?
00:07:47I gotta go to the can
00:07:49fall out, man
00:07:51fall down is more like it
00:07:57have you got any water left?
00:07:59no
00:07:59ah! captain!
00:08:09on your feet, man, stay alert
00:08:13five bucks says he caught himself in a zipper
00:08:29captain!
00:08:30oh, captain!
00:08:32we're on the way in here
00:08:33yeah
00:08:34those aren't waves crashing, schemer
00:08:36sounds more like splashing
00:08:39it's coming from over there
00:08:43get your stuff
00:08:44yabba-dabba-doo!
00:08:53yabba-dabba-doo!
00:09:07yabba-dabba-doo!
00:09:09what did I tell you?
00:09:10we're all that side of the bay
00:09:12with the egg-tap creature
00:09:13and they came up out of the ocean!
00:09:16check out the hooters on those bay
00:09:18this beats K-rations
00:09:19what the hell was that?
00:09:22all right, back to the beach, double time!
00:09:25there they are now!
00:09:27come on, let's go
00:09:27take a run for it, Buzz!
00:09:29take a run for it, Buzz!
00:09:30take a run for it, Buzz!
00:09:53holy shit!
00:09:54come on, let's go!
00:09:56come on, let's go!
00:10:16open fire, private!
00:10:18dammit, that's an order!
00:10:19give me the gun!
00:10:26get the gun!
00:10:27he's down for it, Buzz!
00:10:28come on!
00:10:29let him!
00:10:29watch!
00:10:30close!
00:10:35Bruce, Bruce, Bruce!
00:10:43let him, get!
00:10:46let him,oby!
00:10:46hand!
00:10:48Π³ΡΠΎΠΌ μ¬ friends
00:10:50come on, his life
00:10:50lift him!
00:10:51a lot!
00:10:51he's coming!
00:10:52boo!
00:10:52he's coming!
00:10:53he's coming!
00:10:53get the gun!
00:10:54take him!
00:10:55whi!
00:10:55come on!
00:10:56You all right, Lieutenant?
00:11:14Yeah, I think so.
00:11:17Guys, what about them?
00:11:20I say we introduce ourselves.
00:11:22Not so fast, Schemer. These women are savages.
00:11:24I'm counting on it.
00:11:25Sergeant is right. We may not be welcome.
00:11:27Who cares? We're the Army.
00:11:29Uncle Sam expects a certain amount of cavorting and pillaging.
00:11:32Surrender.
00:11:33You speak English.
00:11:35Surrender or die.
00:11:37You speak English very well.
00:11:38Which one of you is Uncle Sam?
00:11:41Uncle Sam?
00:11:42The leader you spoke of.
00:11:44What do you want him for?
00:11:46We want to kill him.
00:11:48Well, this is a fine mess you've gotten us into, Sam.
00:11:51Excuse me, ma'am.
00:11:53I'm the leader of this unit.
00:11:54Captain Jason Briggs, United States Army.
00:11:57I do not know these words you speak.
00:12:00You are men.
00:12:02Are you not?
00:12:03Well, I can't speak for everybody, but I'm all man.
00:12:07You must come with us.
00:12:09Excuse me, you don't give orders here. I do.
00:12:11What's so funny?
00:12:18Men giving orders.
00:12:21Everyone knows you are brainless beast.
00:12:23Sticks and stones will break our bones, but names can never hurt us.
00:12:26We have sticks.
00:12:27And stones.
00:12:28Let's break some bones.
00:12:30Hold it, Healy.
00:12:31We'll go peacefully.
00:12:49I'm sorry I froze back there, Captain.
00:12:50When I give one of my soldiers a direct order, I expect it to be followed.
00:12:54Understood?
00:12:55Yes, sir.
00:12:56It's just that ever since I was a little kid, I've always been afraid of anything creepy crawling.
00:13:01Begging your pardon, Captain.
00:13:02Why did we surrender so easily?
00:13:04These women know their way around the island.
00:13:06We may need their help to get off.
00:13:07You can say that again.
00:13:08Will you get a load of that?
00:13:18Unbelievable.
00:13:19Amazing.
00:13:20I've been wondering what the dog was doing with all those bones.
00:13:22Go!
00:13:23Go!
00:13:24Yes, ma'am.
00:13:25Gentlemen, let's proceed.
00:13:33I'm sorry.
00:13:33What do you make of this?
00:13:34First I watch this on the beach, now this.
00:13:37You got me, Turbo.
00:13:38Ask Kincaid.
00:13:39He's Mr. Nodal.
00:13:40I can't explain it either.
00:13:42I mean, could be we just landed on some piece of rock that time just simply forgot.
00:13:45You mean?
00:13:46Yes!
00:13:47This could be...
00:13:48Dun-dun-dun!
00:13:51Dinosaur Island.
00:13:54Look alive, man.
00:14:00Move along, move along.
00:14:02The featherbeats will not hurt you.
00:14:03They only feed on leaves.
00:14:05Come along, come along.
00:14:06I bet they make great pets, too, once you get them housebroken.
00:14:08I bet they make great pets, too, once you get them housebroken.
00:14:08Pull along.
00:14:09Uh-oh.
00:14:12What, how about now?
00:14:13Goodbye.
00:14:14Goodbye.
00:14:17Goodbye.
00:14:17Bye.
00:14:19Goodbye.
00:14:21Goodbye.
00:14:29Goodbye.
00:14:31Goodbye.
00:14:32Bye.
00:14:33Goodbye.
00:14:34Bye.
00:14:35Bye.
00:14:35Goodbye.
00:14:36Bye.
00:14:36Bye.
00:14:37Bye.
00:14:37You're right, John. This is Club Net.
00:14:57If anybody wants me, I'll be by the pool.
00:15:01Do not move. I'll put my spear in you.
00:15:04Sounds a little kinky, but hey, I'll try anything once.
00:15:06What's going to happen to us?
00:15:08That is for Queen Morgana to decide.
00:15:11This will decide what happens to me.
00:15:14Queen, move, go, go.
00:15:16I'm afraid.
00:15:28Oh, mama.
00:15:31Neil! Neil, you dogs!
00:15:37Who are you who dares enter my domain?
00:15:41We are soldiers, Your Majesty.
00:15:43Soldiers?
00:15:45Yes. Like your warriors.
00:15:48Impossible. You're too small and fleshy to be warriors. Or men, for that matter.
00:15:53Now, wait just a minute.
00:15:54Take away their fire spears.
00:16:04Oh, mighty queen. If they are warriors, perhaps they've been sent to us for a reason.
00:16:09And what reason would that be, princess?
00:16:12Maybe they can save us from the great one.
00:16:15Jackie Gleason?
00:16:16Do you actually believe that these puny creatures could succeed where our forefathers have failed?
00:16:27No, my queen. I don't.
00:16:30Take these worthless fools from my sight.
00:16:32Put them to work in the pits.
00:16:33What is that, the barbecue coming on?
00:16:42I remember a little place in Patterson, New Jersey called the Pit Stop.
00:16:45It's a great little bar.
00:16:47I bet this pit won't be as much fun.
00:16:49That's where you spend the rest of your life and change.
00:16:51That's what they said in Patterson.
00:16:52Kill!
00:16:53Wayne?
00:17:10Skeemer?
00:17:13You know, actually, we had nothing to do with this.
00:17:14Captain Briggs.
00:17:16Kind of crazy, you know?
00:17:21It's you.
00:17:23A-Jew?
00:17:23I resemble that remark.
00:17:25A-Jew?
00:17:27Me?
00:17:29You bear the mark.
00:17:30The one we've been waiting for.
00:17:32Our savior.
00:17:34Right.
00:17:35It's me.
00:17:37I'm here.
00:17:39Yeah.
00:17:40I'm here.
00:17:41I can't go under the mark and...
00:17:43I'm here.
00:17:44It's me.
00:17:44It's me.
00:17:53Why do these men still live?
00:17:59Because they are not men, Queen.
00:18:01They are gods.
00:18:02This one has the mark.
00:18:04Courtesy of Win Ray's tattoos, Deuce and Broadway.
00:18:08A trick.
00:18:09Summon the soothsayer.
00:18:10We shall let her decide.
00:18:11We shall let her decide.
00:18:19Ask your bones whether or not these creatures possess magic.
00:18:28It is true, your highness.
00:18:30These are the gods predicted in the sacred scroll.
00:18:33Sacred scroll?
00:18:35It is in the midst of a terrible famine.
00:18:37The ocean would open up and out would come five strange and one gods.
00:18:41I've been called strange.
00:18:42I've got dibs on wonderful.
00:18:43And my tummy's been growling ever since I got here.
00:18:46They would wear foreign robes and provide us with food.
00:18:50Tic-tac?
00:18:51But most importantly, among them there will be one who the yellow sun smiles on.
00:18:56His magic would be the most powerful of all.
00:18:58For he will be the one, it will be the savior that will deliver us from the great one.
00:19:02Hey, I only deliver within a one mile radius of my house.
00:19:05Schemer.
00:19:06My people are starving.
00:19:08I refuse to place their fate in the hands of these so-called.
00:19:11Gods.
00:19:12Hey, Queenie, don't be such a sourpuss.
00:19:14Your savior's here.
00:19:15Put on a happy face.
00:19:28Where are you taking us to?
00:19:29We must prepare you for battle.
00:19:31Hey, is that spear loaded?
00:19:41Oh!
00:19:41Oh!
00:19:43Oh!
00:19:43Oh!
00:19:45Oh!
00:19:46Oh my God.
00:19:48Oh my God.
00:19:50Oh my God.
00:19:52Oh my God.
00:19:54That was a great owner.
00:19:56I don't know.
00:20:16Let's give it a try.
00:20:22This is Sergeant Healy of the United States Army.
00:20:26This is an SOS.
00:20:28Does anybody read me?
00:20:30Come in. Over.
00:20:36It's no use, Captain.
00:20:38The signal's not being picked up.
00:20:40We're gonna have to broadcast from higher ground.
00:20:44Let's wrap it up.
00:20:46What the?
00:20:56We thought you might need your fire, Spears.
00:21:00We will await word of your victory.
00:21:02I'm dedicating our victory to you.
00:21:06Wait, this is silly. We've got to call you something.
00:21:10I know. From now on, you're Miss April.
00:21:12Miss May and Miss June.
00:21:14April? May? June?
00:21:16What do these names mean?
00:21:18This will explain everything.
00:21:20What is it?
00:21:22Our sacred scroll.
00:21:24Is it magic?
00:21:26It's magic.
00:21:28Now, study it hard, because we will be giving you a pop quiz later on.
00:21:30It's magic.
00:21:32It's magic.
00:21:34Why don't we try going downhill for a while?
00:21:36Because the girl said follow the sun five leagues past the flowery gnoll.
00:21:52Yeah, and then what?
00:21:53What do you mean?
00:21:54I mean, what's our plan?
00:21:55We killed a great one and come back conquering heroes.
00:21:58Do you think it's that simple?
00:21:59Absolutely.
00:22:00I don't know, John.
00:22:01I mean, you saw what that thing did to Buzz.
00:22:02Look!
00:22:03It's the worst creature of all.
00:22:05The Sargesaurus.
00:22:07Hiya, Cap.
00:22:08Boy, am I glad to see you guys.
00:22:09Jesus Christ.
00:22:10What are you guys doing here?
00:22:11Trying to signal the rescue party.
00:22:13Rescue party?
00:22:14You don't get it, do you?
00:22:15If we get rescued, the party's over.
00:22:16Party.
00:22:17What the hell is he talking about?
00:22:18And how did you get our weapons back?
00:22:19The women think we're gods.
00:22:20And all we have to do is try it.
00:22:21You really do.
00:22:22It's not bad.
00:22:23You really do.
00:22:24You're not even better.
00:22:25I'm good.
00:22:26You're not too mad.
00:22:27You're not too mad.
00:22:28You're good.
00:22:29I'm too mad.
00:22:30You're not too mad.
00:22:31I'm too mad.
00:22:32You're too mad.
00:22:33You're too mad.
00:22:34You're too mad.
00:22:35You're too mad.
00:22:36You're too mad.
00:22:37You're too mad.
00:22:38women think we're gods and all we have to do is kill the great one to prove ourselves you gotta
00:22:43be kidding turbo here couldn't even kill a garter snake let alone a dinosaur but if we do we could
00:22:50spend the rest of our lives living in paradise i hate to disappoint you but you three are going
00:22:56back to jail and i'm gonna put you there you getting anything sergeant just a hiss nothing
00:23:01but static i hear it too but it doesn't sound like static and i don't think it's coming from
00:23:06the radio where is it coming from oh shit fire
00:23:36so
00:23:46so
00:23:56i do not understand how is it possible for a god to die
00:24:22his magic must not have been very powerful the important thing is that they have slain the great
00:24:29one the queen will be very pleased this is calls for a celebration no not yet first we have to bury
00:24:35our dead
00:24:36what's your angle what are you talking about you never gave a shit about he we why the sudden change
00:24:45your heart captain's right john i mean you always thought he was a jerk but he was our jerk
00:24:51what is this place it is heaven heaven that is the word the missionaries taught us it means the place
00:25:10you go after you go after you die it's a burial ground get a load of that looks like something right out of king kong
00:25:17captain wouldn't it be easier to bury him at sea
00:25:24wayne how's your arm
00:25:27it's okay sir
00:25:30give it a rest
00:25:32i'm fine
00:25:33that's an order
00:25:34turbo
00:25:36take over
00:25:37come on let's put some muscle in it
00:25:47you are in pain
00:25:50you are in pain
00:25:51just give me a bullet to bite on and i'll be fine
00:25:54i do not understand
00:25:56yeah i'm in pain
00:25:58and eating a bullet will help
00:26:01i don't think anything on this island is gonna help
00:26:04what about me
00:26:06you
00:26:08come
00:26:09hey captain my arm's starting to hurt
00:26:16dig
00:26:24where are we going
00:26:25you'll see
00:26:31wow
00:26:32captain
00:26:36dig
00:26:37ow ow ow ow
00:26:52ow what are you doing
00:26:53i'm healing you
00:26:54you could have fooled me
00:26:59may almighty god have mercy on his soul
00:27:01amen
00:27:02amen
00:27:05where have you been
00:27:06i'll explain it to you when i understand it
00:27:09come sisters
00:27:10we must bring word of the great one's death to the queen
00:27:13we'll meet you back at the village
00:27:24all right men let's get the gear and go
00:27:25take a good long look ladies
00:27:26it's wonderful
00:27:27a miracle
00:27:28this meat will feed many mouths
00:27:32but where's the great one
00:27:33where's the great one
00:27:40where's the what we thought that isn't that this is just a beast of armor oh no
00:27:48and a baby one at that oh no the great one is ten times as big
00:27:55uh
00:27:56what
00:27:57what was that
00:27:58what was that the great one
00:28:02the great one
00:28:03oh boy
00:28:04oh boy
00:28:05don't worry we'll take care of the great one just like we took care of this guy
00:28:09that's not gonna be so easy without ammunition
00:28:11and boys
00:28:12we're fresh out
00:28:16ha ha ha
00:28:31you failed proving once and for all your frauds not gods but mere men
00:28:50not so fast queenie aren't you forgetting something
00:28:52what
00:28:53the first part of the prophecy we produce food in the middle of a famine
00:28:57they're right Morgana the beast of armor will feed the entire village for a week
00:29:02nevertheless i am the lawgiver and i say that these men can bring only harm to the village
00:29:07they must all die
00:29:09no
00:29:10you dare challenge your queen
00:29:13april is right these men have done us no evil
00:29:16only helped us in our struggle to survive
00:29:18my command will still be carried out immediately
00:29:22no
00:29:23as written in the sacred scroll i challenge thee to oh ma pa
00:29:31oh my papa
00:29:32oh ma pa
00:29:33i've heard of it john
00:29:34the druids used it to oppose the laws of their leaders
00:29:38very well then
00:29:39as it is written so shall it be
00:29:41we fight this night in the circle of power
00:29:44if you win the men will be spared
00:29:46but if you lose
00:29:48you
00:29:49your traitorous sisters
00:29:50and these pitiful warriors will all suffer a fiery death in the pit
00:29:55well your majesty
00:29:57since this is gonna
00:30:03what's wrong with him
00:30:04he's just upset because the transmitter was destroyed
00:30:06oh that's a real shame it looks like we're stuck on this island with a bunch of beautiful women for the rest of our lives
00:30:11what about the great ones stuck with him
00:30:14and it's not gonna be easy killing him with no ammo
00:30:17he's right john
00:30:18i mean what's gonna happen to us once the girls find out the truth
00:30:21i'll tell you what's gonna happen
00:30:23we're gonna end up at the bottom of that pit everyone's been talking about
00:30:26that's why our first order of business is to end this family
00:30:30yeah but how are we gonna do that
00:30:31you mean how are you gonna do that
00:30:33me? why me?
00:30:35they don't call you weighing the brain for nothing
00:30:36they don't call you weighing the brain for nothing
00:30:38you mean to tell me that no fruit bearing plants will grow here on the island?
00:31:07oh yes
00:31:09we have tried
00:31:10and succeeded
00:31:11only the food is always devoured before we can harvest it
00:31:14by the great one?
00:31:16no
00:31:17by the small ones
00:31:18the small ones?
00:31:20hmm
00:31:24oh
00:31:25gross
00:31:31come on
00:31:32i got an idea
00:31:37what are you doing?
00:31:46making a pesticide
00:31:50pesticide?
00:31:52yeah it's sort of like a potion that will help to protect your harvest
00:31:59impossible magic is useless against the small ones
00:32:03this isn't magic
00:32:05this is chemistry
00:32:08what is chemistry?
00:32:13here i'll show you
00:32:14alright
00:32:15i'm taking a little iodine
00:32:16okay
00:32:17i mix this
00:32:19with mosquito repellent
00:32:21then i dilute it with water
00:32:28and finally i add my secret ingredient
00:32:34it smells awful
00:32:38what is it? dinosaur urine?
00:32:41no
00:32:44schemer's aftershave
00:32:47will it really keep the small ones away from our crops?
00:32:51i don't see why not
00:32:52it keeps the women away from schemer
00:32:54april what's your favorite food?
00:33:11mmm i love pterodactyl why?
00:33:14because i was thinking maybe we could go out for dinner tonight
00:33:17but we eat out every night
00:33:20i don't mean outside
00:33:22i mean out on a date
00:33:24what is a date?
00:33:26it's when two people want to be alone together
00:33:29but how can we be alone and together at the same time?
00:33:33i mean we'll be by ourselves
00:33:36for what reason?
00:33:38so we can get to know each other
00:33:41oh
00:33:42so you can learn my
00:33:44turn-ons and turn-offs
00:33:47who taught you those words?
00:33:49i have been studying your sacred scroll
00:33:52what do you think of it?
00:33:53no it is very wise but
00:33:55i do not understand one thing
00:33:59what is a
00:34:01kiss?
00:34:03i'll show you tonight
00:34:08tell me why we're doing this again?
00:34:15because pterodactyl is april's favorite food
00:34:20it doesn't slither does it?
00:34:22no it flies
00:34:24and there it is
00:34:29that thing has scales
00:34:31i'm out of here
00:34:33i'm going, i'm going, i'm going
00:34:34i'm going, i'm going
00:34:35i'm going, i'm going
00:34:36i'm going, i'm going
00:34:38turbo, you have got to get over this fear of yours
00:34:41if you won't do it for yourself, do it for june
00:34:43i don't want to impress june
00:34:45creepy crawly things don't scare me half as much as she does
00:34:47i know she's kind of dumb
00:34:49but it's not what i'm talking about schema
00:34:52what are you talking about?
00:34:54i don't exactly have a lot of experience with girls
00:34:57you mean you're still cherry?
00:35:00cherry?
00:35:07sorry, i just figured a big strong guy like you
00:35:11girls take one look at me and they get scared
00:35:13i don't blame them though
00:35:15i don't want to go out with a neanderthal like me
00:35:18a cave woman's a pretty safe bet
00:35:20besides, i think june is kind of the old-fashioned type
00:35:23i don't think sloping foreheads or knuckles that drag on the ground
00:35:26are a problem for her
00:35:27what if i'm bad?
00:35:30turbo, there aren't any other men on this island
00:35:33chances are she won't know the difference
00:35:35come on
00:35:40oh!
00:35:44we're good, we're good
00:35:48there's a big bird, there's a big bird, there's a big bird, there's a big bird, there's a big bird, there's a big bird, there's a big bird!
00:35:52damn!
00:35:55maybe we can go get another one
00:35:57i think i saw one on the hill over here
00:36:00come on, let's go
00:36:01let's go!
00:36:15hey, where's my aftershave?
00:36:17oh, sorry john, i needed it to make a pesticide
00:36:20it better work, we're almost out of dinosaur meat
00:36:23and whose fault is that?
00:36:26schemer, tell the captain to stop picking on me
00:36:29look, i don't have time for this
00:36:31well, actually you do, i did some tests on the water around here
00:36:34just give me the condensed version
00:36:37well, the water's volcanic origin gives it amazing regenerative powers
00:36:41um, a long intake may actually make the body younger and healthier forever
00:36:46that explains your quick healing
00:36:48and why these dinosaurs are still roaming the island
00:36:51yeah, nobody bothered to tell them they're extinct
00:36:54well, it also means these women are a lot older than we think
00:36:57i mean, they could be one, two, even three thousand years old
00:37:01hey, i've always had a thing for older women
00:37:03so if you gentlemen will excuse me
00:37:05i've got a date with the hottest prehistoric babe i've ever met
00:37:07how's your pterodactyl? i caught it myself
00:37:20oh, how brave
00:37:26i'm not sure
00:37:28i taste a little like turtle
00:37:31you know, this place has really gone downhill since the new chef took over
00:37:34i like turtle
00:37:37but, you, you are not eating
00:37:40me? i had a late lunch
00:37:46but, aren't you still hungry?
00:37:48not really
00:37:50well, then, why did you try to press your lips to mine?
00:37:53you asked me to show you what a kiss was
00:37:55you'll like it, i promise
00:38:05did the earth move?
00:38:08it did for me
00:38:13dear gods! the great one!
00:38:15hey, i haven't even taken it out yet
00:38:21oh, that great one!
00:38:24this way!
00:38:34you, you can hide in here!
00:38:46what is this?
00:38:48you have to do?
00:38:52ΡΠ°ΡΡΠΈ
00:38:54a
00:38:58μ
00:38:59That ought to hold him.
00:39:26Would have kicked his ass.
00:39:29You know, this would make a great condo.
00:39:33We could settle down.
00:39:34No, no.
00:39:35This is a terrible place.
00:39:37We must go no further.
00:39:38Why's that?
00:39:39Got plenty of room.
00:39:40Hot and cold running slime.
00:39:42Look at this.
00:39:47Just my luck.
00:39:49Gold.
00:39:51It is not safe to go on.
00:40:01We must turn back.
00:40:02Don't wet yourself, sweetheart.
00:40:03I just need a couple more gold nuggets to make the down payment on that little Malibu beach house I've had my eye on.
00:40:09But the beast of the cave.
00:40:11Surely it will hear us.
00:40:12Beast?
00:40:13You didn't say anything about a beast.
00:40:15You wouldn't let me.
00:40:17What does he look like?
00:40:19Sounds like...
00:40:23Two words.
00:40:24Big.
00:40:25Hideous.
00:40:26Behind me?
00:40:29Behind me?
00:40:32...
00:40:37No!
00:40:37No!
00:40:38No!
00:40:38No!
00:40:40No!
00:40:40No!
00:40:41No!
00:40:42No!
00:40:44No!
00:40:46The other side.
00:40:48No!
00:40:50Ahhh, ahh, ahh
00:40:57Ahhh, ahh
00:41:01Ahhh.
00:41:03Ahhh.
00:41:07Ahhh, ahh, ahh.
00:41:10Ahh.
00:41:20Come with me.
00:41:50Come with me.
00:41:55Go! Go!
00:41:59Kneel! Kneel!
00:42:03Ah, you are the one called Captain. Are you not?
00:42:08What the hell's going on here?
00:42:11Our culture has an ancient proverb that says,
00:42:13My enemy's enemy is my friend. I have been observing you.
00:42:17I believe you to be such a person.
00:42:19Lady, that's what I've been trying to tell you since we got stranded here.
00:42:22And if I could provide you with the way off the island,
00:42:25you would take the others with you, would you not?
00:42:28You can count on it.
00:42:30Many moons ago, a great silver bird crashed into the ocean.
00:42:35A crate filled with strange objects washed ashore.
00:42:38What kind of objects?
00:42:40Objects I've never seen before.
00:42:44But one of them carried voices from far away.
00:42:49You have a transmitter?
00:42:51The voices I heard spoke in a language unlike yours or ours.
00:42:55Where is this crate?
00:42:57This map will guide you to where it is buried.
00:43:00Have you girls got any shovels to go with those spears?
00:43:06I guess he took a powder.
00:43:07It is safe.
00:43:08I wonder what made him so mad.
00:43:21I think I know.
00:43:22It is safe.
00:43:23It is safe.
00:43:24I wonder what made him so mad.
00:43:26I think I know.
00:43:27It is safe.
00:43:28It is safe.
00:43:29It is safe.
00:43:30I wonder what made him so mad.
00:43:31I think I know.
00:43:33Wow.
00:43:34Look at the size of that egg.
00:43:35It must have gotten too close to her nest.
00:43:36Her?
00:43:37You mean the great one is a girl?
00:43:38Let us go.
00:43:39We must not be here when she comes back.
00:43:40Wait a minute.
00:43:41What about that egg?
00:43:42What about it?
00:43:43It would make one hell of a Denver omelet.
00:43:44It would make one hell of a Denver omelet.
00:43:45It would make one hell of a Denver omelet.
00:43:47Oh yes, sweeten occasion.
00:43:48Let us go to the water.
00:43:50Oh my goodness.
00:43:52Oh right.
00:43:54I have to go to the wild Cenker.
00:43:58Where we are back.
00:43:59It would make the biggest Schneiderμ¨.
00:44:03Yeah.
00:44:04Can we see boy died 2015?
00:44:07Brian Woodstock.
00:44:08What about her irm soft problem?
00:44:10Well, he knows a dirt about two birds.
00:44:13Anyway, this is a Darianfest land.
00:44:14A French- esteem in front of my Fish besonders.
00:44:16Wayne, look!
00:44:22We are safe in salvation!
00:44:24The food has grown in great abundance.
00:44:27Wow! It's better than all you can eat at its sizzler.
00:44:30It's truly a miracle.
00:44:31But how could it have grown so fast?
00:44:33There's something in that water.
00:44:35Who cares? Let's eat!
00:44:37Eat, eat!
00:44:46Eat, eat!
00:45:16Eat, eat!
00:45:26Wayne, your magic worked!
00:45:29May, I told you.
00:45:30It's not magic, it's chemistry.
00:45:32It must be very powerful.
00:45:34It is.
00:45:35But there's another kind of chemistry that's even more powerful.
00:45:38It's the chemistry between two people.
00:45:41I do not understand.
00:45:44Well, sometimes when two people meet, they have this effect on each other.
00:45:47What kind of effect?
00:45:49Well, for instance, their hearts be faster.
00:45:52Will you show me?
00:45:55I'd love to.
00:46:02Is this chemistry?
00:46:05No.
00:46:06This is magic.
00:46:06It's magic.
00:46:07It's magic.
00:46:07It's magic.
00:46:08It's magic.
00:47:09The Queen awaits you in her throne room.
00:47:11Again?
00:47:11What now?
00:47:12I'm booked till four.
00:47:14Come.
00:47:14It has come to my attention that the three of you have feelings for these men.
00:47:34It is true, O Queen.
00:47:35Is that why you brought us here?
00:47:37We would like to ask you for your blessing.
00:47:39My blessing?
00:47:41April and I want to get married.
00:47:43But May and I just thought we'd live together first.
00:47:46And June and I, we just want to go steady.
00:47:50What you ask is not possible.
00:47:53Why not?
00:47:54These girls are the oldest in the village.
00:47:56They're next in line.
00:47:58For the throne?
00:47:59For the altar.
00:48:00That's what we're talking about.
00:48:01Getting a little cave of our own, tar pit in the backyard, having a couple of chrome magnets, becoming fossils together.
00:48:06Not the altar of marriage, you fool.
00:48:10The altar of sacrifice.
00:48:13Sacrifice?
00:48:14Every time the sun crosses the sea and reaches its zenith, we must sacrifice a virgin to the Great One.
00:48:20Wait a minute.
00:48:20You mean you actually feed your people to that thing?
00:48:23If I don't, the beast will come to the village to satisfy its hunger.
00:48:27And then we would all die.
00:48:28Queen Morgana, do you really think the Great One cares whether or not it eats a virgin?
00:48:33It never bothered me before.
00:48:35It didn't.
00:48:37It is our way, as is dictated by the Sacred Scroll.
00:48:42But that's just ancient superstition.
00:48:45It's the same superstition that has proclaimed you as gods.
00:48:49Well, then again, a Sacred Scroll is a Sacred Scroll.
00:48:53Only when you have proven yourselves worthy will I give you my blessing.
00:48:57How do we do that?
00:48:59Oh, it's really quite simple.
00:49:01All you have to do is destroy the Great One.
00:49:04Just bring me his head, and then you can all live happily ever after.
00:49:20Destroy the Great One?
00:49:21While we're at it, why don't we melt the Wicked Witch of the West?
00:49:23Well, whatever we do, we better do it fast.
00:49:26I think she was talking about the Spring Equinox, which is only three days away.
00:49:30So now what do we do?
00:49:32I don't know about you guys, but I've already taken April out of the competition.
00:49:35What do you mean?
00:49:36Hey, every schoolboy knows April comes before May or June.
00:49:40Oh, you gotta be kidding me.
00:49:41Well, I hate to admit it, but...
00:49:44Oh, not you too.
00:49:45Sorry, big guy.
00:49:46It was too good of an opportunity to pass up.
00:49:48Oh, so now you're saying it's up to me.
00:49:51Well, it's a big no-go.
00:49:52I'm not doing nothing till I'm ready.
00:49:55But I'm telling you this.
00:49:57I'm tired of running scared on this island from some big overgrown lizard.
00:50:01I say it's time I stop cowering.
00:50:03Kick some monster ass!
00:50:05You guys with me?
00:50:09Hey, I'm willing to do whatever it takes.
00:50:11But where are we going to get the firepower?
00:50:13Right here, boys.
00:50:18Now let's snap, too.
00:50:20We've got bigger fish to fry.
00:50:30Who wants these?
00:50:35I have provided you with the weapons you have requested, and now it is up to you.
00:51:00If you do not return within two days, we will have no choice but to sacrifice one of our own to the Great One.
00:51:07Don't worry, man.
00:51:09We'll be back.
00:51:11I wish you luck, Captain.
00:51:21Looks like Briggs is getting engaged.
00:51:28Even Briggs can get laid on this island.
00:51:30Let's move it out.
00:51:42So these missionaries are the ones that taught you to speak English?
00:51:45Why, yes.
00:51:45That's it, exactly.
00:51:46Hey, now what?
00:51:48Quiet.
00:51:48Look at that.
00:51:49Oh.
00:51:56Is it harmless like the one we saw before?
00:51:58Yes, it's the Thunder Beast.
00:52:00Harmless.
00:52:02Yeah, harmless.
00:52:04So, Schemer, you've seen this great one.
00:52:06What was it like?
00:52:08Well, you remember that transvestite hooker that Turbo tried to pick up on in the Philippines?
00:52:12Hey, hey, hey, hey.
00:52:14Well, it was as ugly as that, but bigger and pissed off.
00:52:17So where does this beauty make its home?
00:52:19It lives near the big cave.
00:52:21The one with the gold in it?
00:52:23Same.
00:52:25Lead on.
00:52:26Well, let's go.
00:52:56Here's where it gets interesting.
00:53:17Captain, will you look at that?
00:53:19My God.
00:53:20Think of the cholesterol.
00:53:26Let's take cover in the cave.
00:53:32Let's not make a meal out of that private.
00:53:51You will not find the great one in there.
00:53:53She's much too big.
00:53:55This looks like a good place to set up camp till it comes back.
00:53:58Turbo, see if you can find some firewood.
00:54:00Yes, Captain.
00:54:03The rest of you take cover in the cave.
00:54:05You never know when Mom will come home.
00:54:08She's probably just out picking up a few things for dinner.
00:54:11I'll take first watch.
00:54:12Pretty good, huh, Captain?
00:54:27Keep it going, Private.
00:54:29It's going to be dark soon.
00:54:31And I think staying in here is going to be our best bet.
00:54:34This will keep the riffraff out.
00:54:36Those big lizards still give me the shakes.
00:54:38You think that's something?
00:54:40There was this bimbo actress I was dating back in L.A.
00:54:42What a piece.
00:54:44Almost married her, too.
00:54:46Then I got a look at her mother.
00:54:48Holy mackerel, what a puss on her.
00:54:51I'd rather look at the great one any day.
00:54:53They say if you want to know what a girl's going to look like after she's married,
00:54:56look at her mother.
00:54:58Is that true, Schemer?
00:54:59That's what I heard.
00:55:02Say, June,
00:55:02Was your mother pretty?
00:55:07I bet she was.
00:55:10Come.
00:55:11Let us go for a walk.
00:55:15Private,
00:55:16let's not walk too far from the light.
00:55:18Yes, sir.
00:55:19Yes, sir.
00:55:32What are you looking at?
00:55:51The moon.
00:55:53It is crossing over the ocean.
00:55:55Yeah.
00:55:55You know,
00:56:00if you do not kill the great one,
00:56:02I will be its next sacrifice.
00:56:05Oh, you don't have to.
00:56:06There's, um,
00:56:08another way.
00:56:10Oh, no.
00:56:11I could never dishonor my heritage by doing what my sister...
00:56:14You'd rather give yourself to the great one than to me.
00:56:18It is true.
00:56:20I have never known a man before.
00:56:22Neither have I.
00:56:24Well, there was that one time in Manila...
00:56:25What?
00:56:26I mean,
00:56:26I've never known a girl before.
00:56:28I mean,
00:56:29I've known girls,
00:56:30but I've never known girls.
00:56:33You know?
00:56:35Then,
00:56:36you were like me.
00:56:38Yeah.
00:56:40Scared.
00:56:53And then,
00:57:09she chased you,
00:57:10and you ran into...
00:57:13Wait, wait, wait.
00:57:13Skip over that part.
00:57:15How's it going?
00:57:16Pretty spooky, Cap.
00:57:17But these stones and bones know everything.
00:57:20She's got them telling my whole life story.
00:57:22You think that's suitable for Mick's company?
00:57:25Maybe I better change the subject, huh?
00:57:28Very interesting, Schemer.
00:57:30But I think it's your turn to stand guard duty.
00:57:33Now go find Turbo and bring him back if you can.
00:57:35There's certainly no future in that.
00:57:37You know,
00:57:43trouble with being a regular army,
00:57:45since you're always sticking your neck out
00:57:46while the girls are sitting comfy back at home.
00:57:50I'll bet they're kicking back right now
00:57:52with a big bowl of strawberries.
00:57:54I'll bet they're going to be a big bowl of strawberries.
00:58:24Well, it looks like a no-show.
00:58:52She's probably out on a bender.
00:58:53She might not even come back.
00:58:55She will come back.
00:58:56She's a mother.
00:58:57I could say that again.
00:59:00There must be something we can do to bring her around.
00:59:03Any ideas, Kincaid?
00:59:04Yeah, brain.
00:59:05Think of something.
00:59:06Well, I have an idea that might work,
00:59:08but it's a little risky.
00:59:10Risky physically or risky financially?
00:59:14What do you got in mind, Kincaid?
00:59:16Here.
00:59:17I'll diagram it out for you.
00:59:18Here.
00:59:18Here.
00:59:23I hope this works.
00:59:38Don't worry.
00:59:39It will.
00:59:44Quiet.
00:59:44I think I'll do something.
01:00:10Come on.
01:00:10Let's move.
01:00:10Let's move.
01:00:10Let's move.
01:00:39Die, you dinosaur dick!
01:00:56One of these days, ass!
01:01:00Oh, ain't the kisser!
01:01:09Damn it, you did it!
01:01:11I did it?
01:01:12You did it!
01:01:17You did it!
01:01:22Come on, let's not make a meal out of this thing.
01:01:24We got a village to feed.
01:01:34And so, by my authority as queen of this island,
01:01:37I now pronounce you caveman and wife.
01:01:40You may kiss the princess.
01:01:47Well, schemer, I guess you won't have to face that trial
01:01:50I was taking you back to.
01:01:51I still got the old ball and chain, if you know what I mean.
01:01:53I guess that's punishment enough.
01:02:04Where have you been?
01:02:05We had some celebrating of our own to do.
01:02:08I was a bad boy.
01:02:10April, is polygamy legal on this island?
01:02:17Captain, I just wanted to tell you how brave I thought you were in battle.
01:02:22Well, thank you very much, Your Majesty.
01:02:24I've never seen a warrior with such strength.
01:02:26It's too bad you wish to leave us.
01:02:29It is?
01:02:30This tribe could use a king.
01:02:34Well, since you put it that way.
01:02:35Bye!
01:02:37Goodbye!
01:02:39Goodbye!
01:02:41Goodbye!
01:02:43Goodbye!
01:02:45What does this mean?
01:02:46What does this mean?
01:02:47We need it idea of.
01:02:48This and it means we get to live happily forever after.
01:03:03Hello, my friend.
01:03:05He's down here, man!
01:03:07Fuck daddy!
01:03:08Fuck daddy!
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