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Terra.Anatolia
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00:00It was the first visit to the White House by a Saudi leader since the 2018 murder of Washington
00:04Post journalist Jamal Khashoggi. A U.S. intelligence report found the operation was
00:09approved by the prince. But while responding to questions from reporters, President Trump
00:13defended bin Salman saying, quote, things happen. Today, Trump welcomed another honored guest to
00:19the Oval Office. I have a question for your guest. Mr. Voorhees, what exactly happened to all those
00:26teenagers at the cabin? Things happen, but he knew nothing about it. And we can leave it at that.
00:31You don't have to embarrass our guests by asking a question like that. I just want to say it's an
00:36honor to be your friend, and it's an honor that you're here. And if you'd like to say a few words,
00:40why is there so much gold leaf in here? It's The Late Show with Stephen Colbert.
00:48And now, live on tape from the Ed Sullivan Theater in New York City, it's Stephen Colbert.
01:17Hello. Hello, friends.
01:23Welcome, friends and neighbors. Welcome to The Late Show. I'm your host.
01:39Stephen Colbert. Now, we're just...
01:49Y'all are going to spoil me now. We are just over a week away from Thanksgiving. But,
01:57ladies and gentlemen, I am already thankful because last night around 530, the U.S. House
02:02and Senate voted overwhelmingly to make the Justice Department release the Epstein files.
02:10Okay. Congress, as per the Constitution, Congress then left the bill on Trump's desk like a flaming
02:18bag of poop.
02:18Very, very hard to put gold leaf on that.
02:24Now, so, uh, what's he going to do? Now, remember, Trump already tried to do everything
02:30possible to keep this from ever happening. As president, he could have released the files
02:34at any moment. He didn't and never explained why. And when the discharge petition to release
02:39the file started, he sent his minions to warn all the Republicans that voting to release
02:43the files would be seen as a hostile act. He even had the head of the Justice Department
02:48drag Lauren Boebert into the Situation Room to pressure her to drop her support for the discharge
02:53petition. And when all of that failed and it looked like he was going to lose, Trump suddenly
02:57flipped and said, everybody should vote for it. And they did. Hence, the poop flambe.
03:05So, tonight's soup du jour. So, is he going to sign it? Is he going to not sign it? Or change
03:15his name to Senor Ramon and flee to Acapulco? Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer has his theories.
03:23I mean, the president has said he'll sign it, but who the hell knows with him? He can change
03:27his mind on a whim. We got to make sure we get all of the Epstein files. All. They can't
03:32around with this. Yes. Yes. Yes, they cannot around. If they, if they around, they'll find out.
03:42Release all the files, Don, or Chuckie Schum's will cut a bitch.
03:48Now, his head is slowly, his head is slowly sliding down his torso.
03:56If the president does sign it, the bill requires Pam Bondi to make unclassified documents related to
04:03Epstein and his associate, Ghislaine Maxwell, publicly available within 30 days. That's December 19th.
04:09Just in time for the release of my pervert advent calendar. Ooh, what do we got today? Oh,
04:16what do we got today? Ooh, there you go. Today's chocolate looks like Jared from Subway.
04:21Now, yeah, it's a bad idea for an advent calendar. One of the four Republicans who initially forced
04:31the vote on the Epstein files is South Carolina Congresswoman Nancy Mace, seen here after somebody
04:37told her glasses would make her look smarter. How many can you fit? Yesterday, Mace went on the
04:46Newsmax, where the anchor asked her if there was a cabal of elites in Washington who protected one
04:52another. Oh, I'm not part of the powerful. I'm not part of the elite. I'm an island of one. I don't get
04:57invited to parties. I don't have any friends. I have a dog. That is so sad. I don't agree with
05:07Mace's politics, but South Carolinians got to stick together. Nancy, next time I throw a party,
05:12I would like to invite your dog.
05:22No one should have to spend that much time alone with Nancy Mace. Now, last night, uh, Trump also
05:28threw a big fancy party honoring Mohammed bin Salman, despite the fact that Saudi security forces
05:34murdered and dismembered Washington Post journalist Jamal Khashoggi, which Trump's own CIA concluded
05:42that bin Salman ordered. So naturally, they punished him by giving him a state dinner. Same reason,
05:47Anna Wintour invited the Babadook to the Met Ball. Slay King, the salute to the murder man was attended by
05:57a gaggle of Richie Riches like soccer star Cristiano Ronaldo. This is a dream come true. I got
06:04to tell you, it is an honor to meet you, Ronaldo McDonald-o. My Spanish isn't that good,
06:14but let me just start by saying, donde esta el McRibbo? Also, also in attendance were some tech
06:24giants like Elon Musk and Tim Cook of Apple. In honor of ignoring bin Salman's human rights record,
06:30Apple is releasing its new product, the I-didn't-see-anything. One of the reasons...
06:37Okay. Why not?
06:45One of the reasons Republicans defied Trump en masse on the Epstein files is that the midterms are
06:51lumine, and for some reason, I heart pedophiles don't poll too good.
06:55Trump had this brilliant plan to keep his House majority by ordering Texas to redraw its district
07:01map in hopes of picking up five House seats. In response, Governor Gavin Newsom got a ballot
07:06measure passed that could give Democrats a shot at winning as many as five additional seats in
07:11California. Okay, even Stephen. But yesterday, federal judges blocked Texas from using its new
07:17House map in the 2026 midterms. Wow! So, that's... They get nothing, and California gets five more,
07:30so Trump's brilliant scheme ended up giving him the opposite of what he wanted. If only
07:34there had been some sign that Texas is something you shouldn't mess with.
07:39Oh, hey, um, I remember, uh, earlier this year, right, uh, when a reporter, a reporter named Olivia
07:48Nuzzi had to resign from her job at New York Magazine because it was revealed that she was
07:53having an affair with RFK Jr., even though they never actually hooked up, and it was just all over text.
07:57Well, she has written a book, uh, apparently about it, uh, which is even longer than my explanation just
08:04there. And it has given us insight into the man in charge of your health and your human services.
08:10For example, even though Bobby Jr. has claimed to be sober for decades,
08:14he told Newsy that he still uses psychedelics and even smoked DMT, a drug which gives users what
08:21feels like a near-death experience. That's DMT, not to be confused with the other experience that
08:27feels like dying, the DMV. Oh, fun facts about DMT. Not only does it make users skate the razor-thin
08:36edge of this mortal coil between life and death, it also causes powerful hallucinations, or as some
08:42users describe it, it opens a gateway to a strange realm populated by mysterious entities like elves
08:48and dwarves. But listen, listen, listen, kids, you don't need drugs for that. You just need the Lord of
08:56the Rings. And maybe some drugs. Also, you know that worm in R.F.K. Jr.'s brain that we all assumed
09:14has been rat-tootooing him around this whole time? Well, uh, apparently a doctor he trusted concluded
09:21the shadowy figure was likely not a parasite at all. So on the plus side, he doesn't have a brain
09:26worm. On the minus side, all that worm space is being taken up by something far more dangerous,
09:32R.F.K. Jr.'s brain. And that brain, that brain, keep in mind, that brain is, that's not just shadows
09:41and drugs. Did you know that it's attached to a body? And that body is fueled by something called the
09:46carnivore diet. And now, as head of Health and Human Services, Bobby's recommending Americans
09:51increase their consumption of butter, cheese, milk, and red meat. It's a nutritional regime
09:57scientists call Oops All Farts. Oops All Farts. I feel like I've been talking awfully fast in this
10:07monologue. Slow it down. In another questionable policy, this weekend, we learned that the Trump
10:12administration has ditched a Biden plan to compensate travelers for airline delays.
10:17They are always looking for great ways to make bad things worse. It's like your dentist saying,
10:23okay, we're gonna fill that cavity, but I'm also just gonna pop a mouse in your mouth,
10:26let it run around for a while. Be super funny. Hold still. We don't want you to think your tongue is a
10:31grub. Okay? Okay? Get back in there, buddy. Now, the Biden plan is popular with all consumers out
10:40there who had been hit with flight delays because it came with penalties as high as $775 for delays that
10:47lasted at least nine hours. Wow, I mean, getting $775 is bad, but I'll tell you, if I'm stuck at the
10:53airport for nine hours, I demand the right to suckle right out of the Cinnabon frosting nozzle.
10:58We got a great show for you tonight. My guests are Benedict Cumberbatch and Patton Oslo. But when we come back, GOAT!
11:20I'm gonna slow it down. I'm gonna slow it down right here. Here we go.
11:39Reign it back in. Reign it back in. Give it up for Lewis Kato and The Late Show Band, everybody.
11:44You know, folks, I've been doing this job for about a decade, and I've seen some crazy stuff
11:58come over the transom. But once in a while, you come across a headline that no amount of experience
12:03could possibly prepare you for. One that shakes you to your very core. Well, ladies and gentlemen,
12:09today I learned, escaped goat causes chaos in Detroit, scared man jumps on car. Yes.
12:19And to that I say, escaped goat causes curiosity in host, man sick of Trump jumps on story.
12:26This is The Late Show's refreshing change of subject.
12:30Ah. Tonight's refreshing change of subject is an eternal story. It is what happens when man and car
12:40meet goat. For more, we go to Fox 2, Detroit's Barnyard News Leader. Here's an interesting one
12:46tonight. What does a loose goat and psychedelic healing shack have in common? I have no idea and I do not care.
12:54Go on. Now you might have seen this floating around social media this weekend. A video that's gone viral
13:01of a guy here on Detroit's West Side. He was running and screaming from a goat.
13:06Oh, my God. Keep down. In terms of overreacting, I think that guy is the goat.
13:29Because those, my friends, are some surprisingly panicked screams in the face of an animal you
13:35normally find at a petting zoo. But it makes a little more sense when you isolate the goat's
13:42audio. Excuse me, sir. Can I talk to you about Bitcoin?
13:48I know what you're saying. You're saying, you're saying, Steve, that goat screaming guy sounds like
13:53one of those screaming goats. To find out if that's true, we asked an expert.
13:57Whoa! Checks out. A little higher, but checks out.
14:06But running in terror and then leaping atop a vehicle in the face of a domesticated vegetarian?
14:11How scary could this goat actually be?
14:14AHHHHH! AHHHHH!
14:17Whoa. Okay.
14:22Demon...
14:31I stand corrected.
14:33The terrified man on the car was not alone in his goat phobia.
14:37Reporters interviewed his brother, Jupiter Star, sadly, not his real name, about what happened next.
14:43Just looked through the window, making sure he was okay. And my mom running outside with a knife,
14:47trying to, trying to... Your mom brought a knife?
14:49Yeah, she brought a knife, trying to get it to him. But she's so scared of animals.
14:52Yes, she's scared of animals, even ones from petting zoos.
14:57And, well, she should be. Never forget FDR's immortal words.
15:00The only thing we have to fear is bunnies! Stab, stab, stab!
15:07Now, it turns out, uh, that our goat friend here is named Smokey.
15:11And he escaped from a local business.
15:13The brother's investigation into the loose goat led them down the street from their house
15:17to the psychedelic healing shack.
15:20Okay. Let's...
15:27Let's pause the video right there. That goat was from the psychedelic healing shack.
15:32I'm gonna go ahead and say that if I'm tripping balls, the last thing I want to see is this.
15:37There you go.
15:48Okay. So, who owns this shack and its medicinal goat?
15:52Cue Dr. Bob.
15:53I kind of look like a goat.
15:55Okay.
15:58Okay. Let's pause again.
16:01No, you don't, Dr. Bob.
16:03You look like the uncle who brings cookies to Thanksgiving that are not for the kids.
16:10By the way, uh, for the record, uh, Dr. uh, Dr. Bob there,
16:14Smokey is not Dr. Bob's only prescription-strength goat.
16:18The doc took in Smokey and Perfect and Angel.
16:22You know, they're just gentle creatures, and they're biblical,
16:25and they're very healing. It was up to me they might be in the house,
16:29but, uh, my wife's not going for that one.
16:31Okay. Pause a third time, please.
16:37Wife?
16:42Can we...
16:44Can we see a picture of Dr. Bob's wife? Okay.
16:50Side note. Just a little side note. In the process of researching the story,
16:53we found out some other fun facts about Dr. Bob and his business. For instance,
16:58last year, the Detroit police raided the building and seized 99 grams of psilocybin mushrooms
17:03and 10 grams of marijuana. What? You're telling me that the owner of the psychedelic
17:10healing shack had drugs? How would the police have known? Who possibly ratted him out? It certainly was
17:17an angel. He's perfect. And it certainly wasn't perfect. He's an angel.
17:25Unfortunately, in the wake of his legal troubles, Dr. Bob recently put the psychedelic healing shack
17:30up for sale. Quick note to my wife. Evie, I think I know what we're doing come June.
17:45Darling, on a scale of one to three, how many goats do you want?
17:48This has been a refreshing change of subject.
17:55We'll be right back with Benedict Cumberbatch.
18:00Hey, everybody. Welcome back. Welcome back, my friends.
18:14Ladies and gentlemen. Oh, how lucky for all of you, because my first guest tonight is an actor
18:23you know from Sherlock, The Power of the Dog, and as Doctor Strange in the Marvel Universe.
18:28He now stars in The Thing with Feathers.
18:35It's time to get angry with her, you know? How could you die on me?
18:38She's the stoic one. She'd have made a much better widow.
18:43Yeah. Yeah, it's inconsiderate of her.
18:48Her mum keeps ringing me to remind me of things, you know. Do you remember when she...
18:53I know why she's doing it, but...
19:00I don't want her turned into a series of anecdotes, because it just reminds me that she's gone.
19:05But she is gone.
19:08Yeah, but if I'm lucky once or twice a week, I think she's going to be back in a minute.
19:14She's going to be back.
19:17Please welcome back to The Late Show, Benedict Cumberbatch.
19:35I didn't know you were a dancer.
19:41I had no idea you were a dancer.
19:43Neither did I.
19:45We have something in common that I can't believe we haven't talked about before.
19:49I mean...
19:49Because, you know, it's the thing I like to talk about more than anything else,
19:52and we were both in The Hobbit, The Desolation of Smaug.
19:56Yeah. Okay.
19:56You know, I even interviewed you as Smaug on The Colbert Report.
20:05I remember that.
20:06Which was one of the highlights.
20:08It was a big thing.
20:09That's one of the reasons we had to end the show,
20:10because Smaug just busted down one of the walls of that studio.
20:13It's extremely rude.
20:14Very expensive.
20:15And people don't understand, it's not a voiceover to computer animation.
20:19No.
20:19It was a captured performance.
20:22That's you.
20:25With the whole outfit on.
20:28I remember calling Peter after I got the job and saying,
20:34I really want to come down and work with you in New Zines.
20:38He said, oh, that's great.
20:39Yeah, yeah, yeah, fantastic.
20:41We'll record the voice and it'll be fantastic.
20:42No, I really want to do motion capture with you.
20:45He said, oh, no, you don't need to do that.
20:47And I said, I really want to do that.
20:50I think I need to do that, because this thing is in its body.
20:54It's not just this kind of cutoff entity.
20:57And bless him, he let me do that.
21:00And I probably think none of it really ended up in the film.
21:04But it did give, it did give, I mean, you know,
21:07they were amazing about it.
21:08It gives you a prowling quality that's translated into your voice.
21:11Completely.
21:11We did it over about three days.
21:13And at the end, I was like, okay, well,
21:14should I just do the whole thing as a run?
21:16Because we've been doing small segments.
21:17You know, what?
21:18I said, it was only five pages.
21:19It's not much compared to sort of running an entire bit of Hamlet
21:23or whatever Shakespeare play you care to mention
21:25that runs for two and a half plus hours.
21:27And he went, you really want to do it?
21:28I said, yeah, let's give it a go.
21:29So I did it.
21:30And they were like, what?
21:31And that was, I thought, oh, this is fun.
21:33It was like doing, it's like doing very strange,
21:35you know, one man pub theater in London.
21:37Yes.
21:38To a group of guys in a room that looked like a kind of IRS office.
21:42Not that I know what that is.
21:43And I was just lost in it like a child.
21:46And then, you know, we did have to do a lot of the voice over again.
21:49Because when you're crawling around like that,
21:52you know, his voice is something like, you know,
21:54I can smell you.
21:55I can hear you.
21:56It's like that.
21:57It's very bad.
21:58Cheers.
21:59Cheers.
22:01Can you cut the triple chin I did there?
22:02Because that's you.
22:03When you're pretending to be, and it's all wrong.
22:08We had to sort of amalgamate the voice with the movement again.
22:11But what a trip.
22:12We have to take a quick break.
22:13We'll be right back with more Benedict Cumberbatch, everybody.
22:16Stick around.
22:23One second here.
22:24We are back, ladies and gentlemen, with the star of
22:28The Thing With Feathers, Benedict Cumberbatch.
22:31Were you familiar with the book before you?
22:33Very, yeah.
22:34Ten years previously.
22:35I mean, it's sort of...
22:36For those who haven't read it, please tell the people what it's about.
22:39It's a story of a father experiencing the loss of his wife,
22:42very sudden death, and bringing up two small children,
22:44and the year after that.
22:46And it takes place over three sort of chapters.
22:49One is about the dad's point of view, then about the children's
22:52point of view, and then this entity that is this mad realization,
22:57and overwhelming, and unruly, unwelcome,
23:01an eventually comforting creature, crow, which comes alive.
23:05In the book, he's a Ted Hughes scholar,
23:07and the crow poems are his obsession.
23:08He's writing about them, and this work becomes the way that grief
23:13manifests within the family, both for him and the children.
23:15Now, I'm familiar with The Thing With Feathers being hope,
23:18according to Emily Dickinson.
23:20It's The Thing With Feathers is the Emily Dickinson quote, correct.
23:22And Max, I think, changed it to grief is The Thing With Feathers,
23:24because it is literally a thing with feathers.
23:27That's how it manifests, and it's about a poet,
23:30so it's a misquote from a poet.
23:31I think it's to upend the idea that grief is a systematic
23:36stepping stone process to being resolved.
23:39Anyone who's been through it, and we all do in our life,
23:41it's part of the human condition.
23:44It can blindside you with as much strength as it does
23:47when you first encounter it two years down the line,
23:49three, four years down the line, or it can be...
23:52It just changes form, and it's the hope,
23:56I guess, in Emily Dickinson's poem is also about love,
23:59and grief is interchangeable for love, I think.
24:02You know, you can't love without loss.
24:04That's kind of where you put your risk out, your heart out.
24:07I love the sense that the mixing of those two metaphors,
24:10because, to me, it says that there is hope
24:13that there is something on the other side of grief.
24:14And there's that. There's a redemption,
24:16which, again, is love.
24:17This is the manifestation of the thing with feathers in the movie.
24:21That is not a CGI giant man crow.
24:25That is a complicated costume.
24:28Well, look, first of all, this amazing sculptor
24:33created this maquette for us.
24:36Hicks is her name, and she's just this brilliant...
24:38She works in anthropomorphic forms,
24:40so these kind of half-man, half-creature.
24:43And Eric Lampert, this incredible physical actor,
24:45was wearing that weight on his head and on stilts
24:48to give it this otherworldly height and presence
24:51in these very small domestic environments,
24:53because he just pushes himself in there like grief does.
24:56And he was extraordinary.
24:59And then he was doing...
25:00We always wanted David Thewlis to do the voice,
25:01who does provide the voice for Crowe,
25:03which is the all-encompassing presence of him in the film.
25:07But we hadn't secured him at the time,
25:08but Eric knew about it and did his best David Thewlis impression.
25:12So I'm acting with a man who's about sort of eight feet tall,
25:15with a crow head going...
25:17And talking like David Thewlis, like, Manchester.
25:20You know, it was just...
25:23And trying to give a very sort of nuanced psychological portrait
25:26of a man losing his mind in grief.
25:29And the losing my mind bit was quite easy.
25:32But nuances were, yeah.
25:34Well, what does that mean to you as a father to be performing?
25:38Like, how does you connect to that character in a different way?
25:40I just always love children.
25:41I've always been very broody.
25:42I was made a godfather ridiculously early.
25:44I loved being around kids.
25:45I think they can teach you so much.
25:47I get so much out of being around them.
25:48And I've always felt paternal to children or actors
25:51that were younger than me when I started out.
25:53What's it like acting with these boys?
25:55Well, yeah, they're twin actors.
25:58Well, they hadn't done anything before this, the Boxall brothers.
26:02And they are... Henry and Richard are their names.
26:05They are exquisite in this.
26:07But it was like capturing lightning in a jar.
26:10And so to get them to do that, not only have the usual...
26:12I produce this as well.
26:13So you have the safeguarding issues,
26:14which, of course, are taken care of.
26:16Their hours, their meals, their education,
26:18all the stuff that a child should have in a normal working day.
26:21And also, then, they're in this world of grief.
26:24So you have to protect them and reinforce this idea
26:28that this is just storytelling.
26:29We're all pretending here.
26:30We're different people in reality.
26:31This is just, you know, we're having a game.
26:34And then there are days when they are children.
26:36And they were seven when they did this.
26:37And they just didn't want to do it.
26:38You know, they were like...
26:40No.
26:41We had the most remarkable first-time feature director on this.
26:45And he's a brilliant man called Dylan Southern.
26:48He's done rockumentaries before.
26:49He's a brilliant artist and a father himself.
26:53And he would bargain with them, coax them,
26:55and do whatever he could to get the shot.
26:57But in this instance, he went,
26:59OK, yeah, I understand you might not want to do that.
27:01Well, OK, if I do something for you, can we have a trade-off?
27:04And they went, yeah, all right.
27:06Can we write on your forehead?
27:07And they wrote with lipstick, poo on his head.
27:11On his forehead.
27:12And he had to walk around with that.
27:14And lipstick sort of smeared on his mouth like the Joker,
27:17even more drunk, just all over the place.
27:20And at the same time, in front of a crew,
27:21being called Weak Man.
27:25And I thought, I don't know if I can imagine Ridley Scott
27:27getting the shot this way.
27:28This is a man who's willing to compromise a lot
27:32and has the integrity of his humility intact to make this work.
27:36And, you know, like anything on a small-budget, independent film,
27:40you're working out of necessity, which, as we know, is the mother of all invention.
27:44And great things came of it, including that anecdote, I guess.
27:47But, you know, poor man.
27:49Well, Benedict, thank you so much for being here.
27:51Oh, you're welcome.
27:51Lovely to see you again.
27:55The Thing With Feathers is in theaters November 28th.
27:59Benedict Cumberbatch, everybody.
28:00We'll be right back with Patton Oswald.
28:10Welcome back, everybody.
28:18Ladies and gentlemen, my next guest tonight is an Emmy and Grammy award-winning comedian,
28:23writer, and actor you know from Ratatouille, The King of Queens,
28:26and his many stand-up specials.
28:28Please welcome back to The Late Show, my friend and yours, Mr. Patton Oswald.
28:40Well done, by the way.
29:04Oh, yes.
29:05That's how the true stars enter.
29:06That's the exactly.
29:06They take all the time.
29:08They let the audience enjoy them.
29:09It's called The Diva Clock.
29:11You make them wait.
29:13Mm-hmm.
29:14It's called The Diva Clock.
29:15Mm-hmm.
29:15And you've got it, baby.
29:16I met Benedict Cumberbatch right before I came out.
29:19He was backstage.
29:20Lovely. Lovely fellow.
29:21I love him.
29:21He's such an amazing actor.
29:23But I don't know why this is.
29:26I can't not say his name in my head without saying it to the tune of Queens,
29:33Another One Bites the Dust.
29:35Like, I can't.
29:36Benedict Cumberbatch.
29:36Benedict Cumberbatch.
29:38Cumberbatch.
29:39Like, I can't.
29:39And even when I, like, see him in a movie, like, whenever he enters in my head, I'm like,
29:45Benedict Cumberbatch.
29:46Ugh!
29:47Like, that's just constantly.
29:49I swear to God.
29:50I can't stop it.
29:52Benedict, I'm so sorry.
29:53You're an amazing actor.
29:54Now every single person who ever sees him do anything.
29:57I know.
29:57I feel terrible.
29:58His career's over.
29:59Yeah.
30:00Wow.
30:01Ugh.
30:02Hey, it's gonna bat you too.
30:04Benedict Cumberbatch.
30:05Boom.
30:06Boom.
30:06Awful.
30:08People Magazine, as you know, People Magazine recently released their sexiest man alive.
30:12Mm-hmm.
30:13But Variety broke the news.
30:14Ooh.
30:15Beat him, they beat him with this scoop.
30:17Star Trek Strange New Worlds guest star Patton Oswald breaks down playing a sexy Vulcan.
30:23Yes.
30:24Let's get the sexiness going here.
30:25Come on.
30:28Yeah, hi.
30:31Wow.
30:34That is, what's, uh, what's, what's his name?
30:36Uh, his name is Doug.
30:41His name is Doug?
30:43His name is Doug.
30:44Is Doug?
30:45His parents were fascinated with earth culture, so they gave him an earthling name.
30:49Doug.
30:50Doug.
30:51He is a, he is an, uh, he's an artist, and he, uh, studies Vulcan, uh,
30:57Katras, and, um, and he is a sensualist.
31:01Wow.
31:01Yeah.
31:02What is most, you know, sexy about being a Vulcan?
31:06Is it the ears or the emotional unavailability?
31:08The emotional unavailability.
31:10There's a whole come here, go away vibe coming off of Doug, and also that you, he is, it is a...
31:17I like that come here, go away.
31:19Come here, go away.
31:19Come here, go away.
31:21Uh, attack by retreating.
31:22Uh, uh, exciting news.
31:24You've got a new audio-only special, Black Coffee and Ice Water.
31:27Yes, that is...
31:28What is, why the, um...
31:33From Audible.
31:33Yeah.
31:34From our friends, friends at, uh, at Audible, why this format?
31:38Why are you denying us the sexy Vulcan that you are now?
31:40Well, the sexy Vulcan takes hours of makeup and face tape and ears.
31:45Okay.
31:46This is me on stage.
31:48I mean, look, shirtless, I, I, my torso looks like Walter Matthau's face.
31:52So, I, yeah, take that.
31:55I do, I got it, I got it, I got it, I got it, hold on, got a, I got a picture, and now I'm trying to get rid of it.
32:01There you go, yeah.
32:01Hold on.
32:02Got it.
32:03Hang on, you do have a picture, though, right?
32:05I have a picture, yeah.
32:05Well, that's what this is.
32:07This was me when Audible offered it to me, and I was like, oh, I get to do an old-school comedy album
32:13like the kinds I used to listen to growing up, where you sit there and you imagine, you, you paint
32:17pictures in your head, you imagine the audience, the performer, and so when I did it, I, I taped it
32:22here in New York at the Mineta Lane Theater, and it's, I'm just, I hate to toot my own horn, it's the
32:28hour I'm most happiest with and proudest with because I was so loose on stage, didn't have to
32:34worry about the lighting, my, is my wardrobe looking okay, is the makeup okay? No, didn't,
32:41just out there in jeans and a t-shirt and just talking to people, and it was fantastic. I loved it.
32:46I loved it.
32:47You, what, you love the audio comedy format. What were the albums that were so important to you?
33:02The big ones growing up, Richard Pryor's Are You Serious, which is his, it's an amazing, I mean,
33:09Richard Pryor live in concert is, is the pinnacle, but Are You Serious is just a few years earlier,
33:14as he's becoming Richard Pryor, like, he was this very squeaky clean TV comedian, and you can see the
33:21transforming happening, it's one of the best comedy albums you will ever hear, Richard Pryor,
33:26Are You Serious? And then, of course, George Carlin, Class Clown, which I could just recite.
33:30Sure, seven dirty words you're gonna say on television.
33:32Seven dirty words, just perfect. Yep.
33:35And then, um, two Steve Martin albums, uh, uh, comedy.
33:40Can I guess them? Go ahead.
33:42Let's Get Small. Nope.
33:44Wild and Crazy Guy. Wild and Crazy Guy is one of them.
33:46Comedy's Not Pretty? Comedy's Not Pretty.
33:48Okay. And that introduced me to, yes, it introduced me to, like, absurdism, like,
33:54once I listened to Steve Martin, I understood Monty Python, I understood, like, complete absurdity,
34:00it was this whole other level. Gasoline-powered turtleneck sweater?
34:04Yes! Gasoline-powered turtleneck sweater. One of my favorite things of all time.
34:08And I also learned the funniest comedy is when you deliver it as if you are being absolutely
34:13serious, and he also delivers it, and he has this great unspoken, like, you're welcome. I'm bringing
34:19you something really, like, I'm, I'm bringing you the elixir that heals the world, and it's the
34:24dumbest stuff you've ever heard. It's so perfect.
34:27You have a 16-year-old daughter. Yes. 16.
34:29Uh, funny? Very funny, very sardonic. She, she inherited a lot from me. She's also a big,
34:36big film buff. Oh.
34:38Really love, but loves horror movies and punches above her weight, like, wants to see the gnarliest.
34:46Even when she was really little, she's like, I want to see The Exorcist. I'm like, you're nine.
34:50No. I can't handle The Exorcist now.
34:52Yeah, I'm like, I'd like you to have a childhood, but...
34:54What, like, what are the biggies? Well, the big one that she was always
34:58bothering me about was Halloween, the original 1978 Halloween. Amazing. So I'm, like, telling my
35:04daughter, like, now listen, you can watch this movie, but we're gonna watch it together,
35:08so I can talk to you about it afterward. This movie messed me up. Like, you, you know,
35:12she's like, yeah, I think I'll be fine. I'm like, really? She goes, yeah. And we watched it,
35:16and the original Halloween is the funniest movie that girl has ever seen. She was either
35:24laughing her ass off or disgusted with how stupid everyone in the movie was.
35:29Like, like, and I mean scenes that still freak me out. She was like, remember that at the beginning,
35:35when Michael Myers is just standing in Jamie Lee Curtis's backyard in broad daylight with all the
35:42laundry blowing around him, looking up at her window? It's so creepy. And my daughter was sitting
35:46next to me going, call the police. He's right there. This, this movie could be five minutes long.
35:55What is she doing? There's a scene in the movie where, uh, Jamie Lee Curtis and Nancy Loomis pull
36:01up to the hardware store. It's been broken into on Halloween day, and the sheriff is standing out
36:05front, and they go, Sheriff, what's going on? And the sheriff goes, someone broke into the hardware
36:09store. And the two girls go, oh my God. And then the sheriff says, and this is a line of dialogue in
36:15the movie. He says, oh, it's probably a couple teenagers playing a prank. They just stole a rubber mask,
36:22some rope, a few knives. That's an actual line in the movie. And Alice started laughing so hard,
36:34and she said, sure, dude. Someone stole a murder kit on Halloween. I'm sure this is going to be totally
36:40fine. Well, Patton, lovely to see you. Thank you so much. Such a pleasure. Thank you for having me on.
36:46Thank you. You can listen to Patton Oswalt's comedy special, Black Coffee and Ice Water,
36:54tomorrow, and you can see him this Sunday at Largo in Los Angeles. It's Patton Oswalt. We'll be right
37:00back with a performance by Jesse Wells. He released four albums this year and is nominated for four
37:16Grammy Awards. Performing Join Ice, ladies and gentlemen, Jesse Wells.
37:21Well, if you're looking for purpose in the current circus, if you're seeking respect and attention,
37:32if you're in need of a gig that'll make you feel big, come with me and put some folks in detention.
37:38Just last week was kind of tough. I put a kid in cuffs. I zip tied a lady to a van.
37:44We can sneak around town hunting working folks down. I hear they get a great benefit plan.
37:50Join ice, boy, ain't it nice? Join ice, take my advice. If you're lacking control and authority,
37:59come with me and hunt down minorities. Join ice.
38:08See, I failed the academy. The cops weren't having me. The army didn't sound that fun,
38:14so I found me a paramilitary operation that was keen to hand me a gun.
38:20I got picked on in school. I never felt that cool. There's a hole in my soul that just rages.
38:26All the ladies turned me down and I felt like a clown. But will you look at me now?
38:31I'm putting folks in cages at ice for respect and power. Join ice. I hear they got great hours.
38:38There's a sign-on bonus of 50 grand. They're in need of you needing to feel like a man. Join ice.
38:45There's a sign-on bonus of 50 grand. They're in need of you needing to feel like a man.
38:57There's a sign-on bonus of 50 grand. They're in need of you needing to feel like a man. Join ice.
39:10There's a sign-on bonus of 50 grand. They're in need of you needing to feel like a man. Join ice.
39:16Well, if you're looking for purpose in the current circus
39:28If you're seeking respect and attention
39:30If you're in need of a gig that'll make you feel big
39:34Come with me and put some folks in detention
39:36See, I failed the academy
39:38The cops weren't having me
39:40The army didn't sound that fun
39:42So I found me a paramilitary operation
39:46That was keen to hand me a gun
39:48Join ICE, boy, ain't it nice
39:51Join ICE, take my advice
39:54If you're lacking control and authority
39:57Come with me and hunt down minorities
40:00Join ICE
40:09Thank you, that's it
40:10Thank you
40:11Thanks for being here, man
40:12Check out another performance on colbertlakeshow.com
40:17Jesse Wells, everybody
40:18Good night
40:20There you go
40:21I amé
40:27Sorry, I am great
40:28I am
40:29Thank you
40:29Thank you
40:30Thank you
40:31I am
40:40I am
40:41You
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