The Lovers [FULL MOVIES ENGLISH SUB]

Secret Love Drama

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Transcript

00:00:00Transcription by CastingWords

00:00:30CastingWords

00:01:00CastingWords

00:01:08But we live in a permissive society.

00:01:10Not on this street we don't.

00:01:12Everybody's at it.

00:01:14Not with me they're not.

00:01:16Girls are supposed to be crying out for it.

00:01:18Not this one.

00:01:20I'm the silent majority.

00:01:22It's only manners these days.

00:01:24Total strangers do it now instead of shaking hands.

00:01:26Jesus! God is Lord!

00:01:30Jesus!

00:01:31We've never seen him in real life though.

00:01:58No, he's picturing the papers.

00:02:01Oh, come on Sandra, let's go.

00:02:03No, I don't want to.

00:02:04I'm the old Dats standing out here.

00:02:05It's stupid.

00:02:06But he might come in a minute.

00:02:08Somebody waited ages yesterday and he never turned up there.

00:02:10But that was yesterday.

00:02:11He might be here today.

00:02:12I'm the old Dats standing here.

00:02:14Come on.

00:02:14I'm supposed to be going shopping.

00:02:16But he might come.

00:02:17Please, let's go.

00:02:22Oh, no!

00:02:23I told you so, didn't I?

00:02:25I feel a right twit now.

00:02:27I don't fancy yours.

00:02:30Which is mine?

00:02:32Any except the blonde.

00:02:34Oh, good.

00:02:36They were being stared at.

00:02:38Where?

00:02:39Don't fancy yours.

00:02:45Which is mine?

00:02:47Any.

00:02:48Except the blonde or the one with the yellow legs.

00:02:52Thanks.

00:02:54Neither do I.

00:02:56Fancy the one with the twitch.

00:03:00About as much as Mountsy-Tung's granddad.

00:03:02With all due respect.

00:03:04To his granddad.

00:03:05Ask him if they do a turn.

00:03:08You.

00:03:09I thought we were giving sex up.

00:03:11There's a protest at never getting any.

00:03:13Ignore them.

00:03:22Hi.

00:03:24Hi.

00:03:26Hi.

00:03:27Hi.

00:03:30Hi.

00:03:33Peace, ma'am.

00:03:33Were you, er, hoping to see Georgie Best?

00:03:37He's in Mallorca.

00:03:39Come on, then.

00:03:41May only get an hour for lunch.

00:03:44It's a discotheque in Albert Square.

00:03:52Come on.

00:03:54I thought we were going for tights.

00:03:56Shall I tell you something pretty mind-blowing about Mallorca?

00:03:58Shall I tell you something pretty mind-blowing about Mallorca?

00:04:02It's one place I've never been.

00:04:02Pardon?

00:04:04I'm, er, Geoffrey.

00:04:04I don't happen to be attached.

00:04:06I'm Beryl.

00:04:08I don't happen to be surprised.

00:04:10I'm Beryl.

00:04:23I don't happen to be surprised.

00:04:25Don't you worry.

00:04:43Love and rainy weather may sound funny, but they go together fine.

00:04:53Every single time.

00:04:58Love and rainy weather.

00:05:01First you're up there, on another plane, and then you're nowhere.

00:05:08And the tears are raining down.

00:05:13It's a run-around, it's a run-around, love and rainy weather, surely can get you down.

00:05:32Now, going twisting tonight, then?

00:05:38That's the modern name for it, isn't it?

00:05:40What?

00:05:41Cutting a rug.

00:05:43Pardon?

00:05:45Grooving, Mildred.

00:05:46It's called grooving nowadays.

00:05:48Grooving and or freaking.

00:05:50Right?

00:05:51What I'm not doing tonight.

00:05:52Right.

00:05:54Right on.

00:05:55You're staying in tonight, then?

00:05:57Tonight.

00:05:58Tomorrow night.

00:05:59Every night.

00:06:00You might sell me overcoat.

00:06:02Life's not all pleasure, you know.

00:06:05Really.

00:06:06Mildred, don't hassle the lad.

00:06:08Hassle.

00:06:09It's a different world today, Mildred.

00:06:12We had a week's honeymoon in Blackpool for what this finny haddy cost.

00:06:17They do their own thing.

00:06:19The usual 1,300 weight.

00:06:21Yes, please.

00:06:22Now, that's the new world that we work for.

00:06:27And fought for.

00:06:28Full page advert for contraception.

00:06:30It's his birthright.

00:06:32I'm not hungry.

00:06:33What's that supposed to mean?

00:06:34It's the hip way cool people say I'm not hungry.

00:06:39It's the hip way cool people say I'm not hungry.

00:06:46It's the hip way cool people say I'm not hungry, it's a cheap way.

00:06:47I'm not hungry.

00:06:48It's the hip way cool people say I'm not hungry.

00:06:49You don't know.

00:06:50You don't know me.

00:06:52I enjoy staying in Chattingham an evening.

00:07:03I find it fantastically enjoyable.

00:07:06No, really. I really do.

00:07:09Some people don't.

00:07:12I do.

00:07:14Beryl, please take my word for it.

00:07:16Paul McCartney's never going to ring that doorbell and invite you to the pictures.

00:07:19Paul McCartney who?

00:07:20He doesn't know you've been faithful to him ever since our day's night.

00:07:24And please don't say Paul McCartney who.

00:07:27I sacrifice too much for your six-old levels.

00:07:30You were terrific in the pictures.

00:07:34I never touched you.

00:07:35Terrific self-control.

00:07:41What did you say your name was?

00:07:43Mind you, just a weekend I'd do with you, Paul.

00:08:05Not a dirty weekend.

00:08:07A disgusting one.

00:08:13Night-night, Percy Filth.

00:08:16Have you always been insatiable?

00:08:28It's not my fault.

00:08:30It's just that I don't like blondes.

00:08:36It's psychosomatic.

00:08:37It's psychosomatic.

00:08:41I'm sorry.

00:08:46Ah.

00:08:46Oh, Sandra.

00:09:04It is almost blonde in this light.

00:09:07What's wrong?

00:09:14Just being brave.

00:09:16What about?

00:09:17Ending it all.

00:09:19Before we hurt each other too much.

00:09:23It's our first date.

00:09:24I've probably wasted your entire evening, haven't I?

00:09:31Not yet.

00:09:32Not if your parents aren't back till midnight.

00:09:37Don't you think you're too old for this sort of thing?

00:09:41Straight from Stanley Matthews to Bridget Bardot you went.

00:09:45Overnight.

00:09:46That was when you were too young for this sort of thing.

00:09:49It's artistic, Mother.

00:09:51Like your Tuttenhamen butter dish.

00:09:53It's artistic, Mother.

00:10:03What?

00:10:04Got it.

00:10:05Got what?

00:10:06You now ask if I never want to see you again.

00:10:09I say I do.

00:10:11You then stop crying quick as a flash and say something like,

00:10:14how about Sunday, half seven, outside Central Library?

00:10:17No, I don't.

00:10:19Tomorrow, half seven, outside Central Library.

00:10:21Then when I say okay, does your zip miraculously undo?

00:10:27It does not.

00:10:29I thought it did.

00:10:31Not till you've unfastened the press stud.

00:10:35I can see her doing your ironing and cooking and cleaning.

00:10:39You wouldn't need to book for the Christmas pantomime.

00:10:41I don't intend to marry her, Mother.

00:10:43In case it interferes with my career.

00:10:46We're just good friends.

00:10:48Good night.

00:10:49Miss Bardot.

00:11:05Marry me.

00:11:09You know what they say?

00:11:10Once you've had a Manchester, lad, you never touch anything else.

00:11:17Marry me.

00:11:18Marry me.

00:11:20Marry me.

00:11:22Marry me.

00:11:25Marry me.

00:11:27Marry me.

00:11:29Marry me.

00:11:29About time and all.

00:11:31Aye.

00:11:32Aye.

00:11:32Peace, man.

00:11:34Marry me.

00:11:36Did you have a good time last night?

00:11:38Hooray.

00:11:38Did you?

00:11:39Satisfied.

00:11:41I stayed in for a change.

00:11:44Did you get much?

00:11:47Did you?

00:11:52Did you know that raping Princess Anne was a capital offence?

00:11:55Not that I have done.

00:11:57I stayed in for a change instead.

00:12:08I stayed in for a change instead.

00:12:18Ticket.

00:12:19I ain't got my ticket.

00:12:20We're late already.

00:12:23See you behind the goal then.

00:12:24Mary!

00:12:26Mary!

00:12:28Mary!

00:12:30Mary!

00:12:32Mary!

00:12:34Mary!

00:12:36Mary!

00:12:40Well, tonight's beauty sleep's done nothing for her.

00:12:44Snooty old bag.

00:12:48Trendy.

00:12:50Crimson shoes with bottle green socks.

00:12:54Must be going steady with a set of traffic lights.

00:12:56Still, who else would have him?

00:13:00Anyway, they're all the same in the dark.

00:13:02Rumour has it.

00:13:10Different girl every night.

00:13:12You can tell the type.

00:13:14Probably an omen seeing her before the match.

00:13:18I bet we lose 3-1.

00:13:20Well, I'm certainly not making the first move.

00:13:22At least I've got me proud.

00:13:24Oh, hello.

00:13:26Oh, hi.

00:13:28Hi.

00:13:30Didn't see you. No, Normie.

00:13:32You going that way?

00:13:34Yeah.

00:13:36Not specially, no.

00:13:38You going that?

00:13:40Well, um...

00:13:42No. I was sort of...

00:13:44Going to the football match?

00:13:46Shopping.

00:13:53I'm probably going to the pictures tonight.

00:13:54I am.

00:13:55Which?

00:13:56Which are you?

00:13:57Any.

00:13:58I am.

00:14:06See you then.

00:14:07Tonight?

00:14:08Pardon?

00:14:09Oh, I...

00:14:10All right, then.

00:14:11Right.

00:14:19Super socks.

00:14:24Did you see that?

00:14:25They're all on drugs.

00:14:26A lot of them.

00:14:27Half of them.

00:14:45Did he score?

00:14:46Losing.

00:14:473-1.

00:14:48What do you want?

00:15:08Excuse me.

00:15:09I...

00:15:10Only go to restaurants with deaf waiters.

00:15:24Ah.

00:15:28Hi.

00:15:30Hello, mate.

00:15:31Oh, um...

00:15:32Peace man.

00:15:33Surprise, surprise.

00:15:34Surprise.

00:15:35And then you were controversial.

00:15:37Pictures.

00:15:38The boyfriend.

00:15:39She's slim.

00:15:40I'm just going to the, uh...

00:15:41Oh, I'll come with you.

00:15:46Are you and Beryl, um...

00:15:47You know.

00:15:51You know.

00:15:53Oh.

00:16:02Would you, uh...

00:16:04What do you sort of reckon she's, uh...

00:16:06Fair sort of bird?

00:16:07Sort of.

00:16:08She's all right.

00:16:09I mean, nothing sensational, obviously.

00:16:10Geoffrey.

00:16:11She's a bird.

00:16:12You having a coffee with us?

00:16:13No thanks, kid.

00:16:14Neville's ravenous.

00:16:15You've just eaten.

00:16:16Oh, of course.

00:16:17Yeah.

00:16:18Sorry.

00:16:19You see.

00:16:20What I think was always trying to do...

00:16:21By implication.

00:16:22Probably by implication.

00:16:23Was to allow the images to provoke a moral response from our own aesthetic judgement.

00:16:26You see.

00:16:27Yes.

00:16:28Was he the errand boy?

00:16:29Was he the errand boy?

00:16:30Ken Thingy.

00:16:31He directed it.

00:16:32Oh, yes.

00:16:33I was probably thinking of Andy Warhol.

00:16:34Probably.

00:16:35Probably.

00:16:36Andy Warhol.

00:16:37I was probably thinking of Andy Warhol.

00:16:38Probably.

00:16:39You're not like other boys at all, are you?

00:16:40probably by implication, was to allow the images to provoke a moral response from

00:16:45our own aesthetic judgment. You see? Yes. Was he the errand boy?

00:16:52Was who the errand boy? Ken Thingy.

00:16:55He directed it. Oh, yes. I was probably thinking of Andy Warhol.

00:17:02Probably.

00:17:04You're not like other boys at all, are you?

00:17:10Well, probably a little more mature, that's all.

00:17:13It's over 200 yards from the cinema, and you talk to me the whole way, like a person.

00:17:21Other boys seem to have one-track minds these days.

00:17:24Sex? Marriage.

00:17:27Pardon? The number of boys that asked me to marry them.

00:17:31A couple of dates and Pauly wants to get married.

00:17:34I want to live a bit before I get married.

00:17:37I suppose I just don't have a hang-up about it.

00:17:40Get married? Hmm.

00:17:43No.

00:17:48Actually, I find girls, most girls, a bit obsessed these days.

00:17:54Not marriage.

00:17:56No. Sex.

00:17:59That's what I said.

00:18:04Oh.

00:18:06Well, I'm not like that.

00:18:08Not percifilth-motivated?

00:18:10No.

00:18:12No.

00:18:14Did you want to say any more about Andy Warhol?

00:18:29Ken Russell?

00:18:30Yeah.

00:18:31No.

00:18:32No.

00:18:33No.

00:18:34No.

00:18:35No.

00:18:36No.

00:18:37No.

00:18:38No.

00:18:39No.

00:18:40No.

00:18:43Oh.

00:18:44I won't come in, with it being our first date. No.

00:18:55Oh. Anywhere my mum's gone to bed, we'd be on our own.

00:18:59Is that a reason for me not coming in, though? Yes, Geoffrey.

00:19:04Oh.

00:19:06Nice house. Thank you.

00:19:1625-year mortgage.

00:19:22Well, thanks for seeing me home.

00:19:26Funny, isn't it? First date with someone.

00:19:30It always leads to one of three things.

00:19:34Either nothing.

00:19:36Or something.

00:19:40Or everything.

00:19:42Well, don't think about Percy Filth at this stage, Beryl.

00:19:46You're not.

00:19:48No, I'm not.

00:19:51Night-night. God bless.

00:20:04I won't give you my phone number, in case you think I'm one of those scheming females.

00:20:08What is it?

00:20:09327-4421.

00:20:11The easy way to remember it is the three and the two make five, which is two less than seven,

00:20:15then two fours, and half of four, which is two, and half of two, which is one.

00:20:18Um...

00:20:19But you mustn't ring me if you don't want.

00:20:21No.

00:20:22But you can if you do.

00:20:23Do you want me to?

00:20:24Not if you'd rather not.

00:20:26327-4421.

00:20:28Good night.

00:20:29Good night.

00:20:32.

00:20:39.

00:20:50.

00:20:57Well, hello, Mrs. Battersby. Beryl's brought you up a cup of tea.

00:21:04Oh, they all have a past life flashed before me then.

00:21:11Can't be Mother's Day. You'd have forgotten.

00:21:15Has there been any clips?

00:21:17Mum, I want the benefit of your experience.

00:21:22What do you think of Andy Warhol?

00:21:24You see, Geoffrey has this theory that by implication...

00:21:27Who's Geoffrey?

00:21:28Of course, Geoffrey knows about these things.

00:21:31These things. Everything.

00:21:34Who's Geoffrey?

00:21:35He's fantastically intelligent.

00:21:37See, Geoffrey's idea...

00:21:39Beryl, who's Geoffrey?

00:21:42Oh, no one.

00:21:47No one's special.

00:21:53His name's Geoffrey.

00:21:54How did this Beryl Bird turn out last night, then?

00:22:02What Beryl Bird?

00:22:03I told him.

00:22:04Did she, uh...

00:22:06Does she, uh...

00:22:07What?

00:22:09Oh.

00:22:12Wow.

00:22:15She doesn't, then.

00:22:17You don't listen, do you?

00:22:18I said...

00:22:19How about Sundry?

00:22:27Chips.

00:22:28Chum sod.

00:22:34Not seeing him tonight, then.

00:22:40Who?

00:22:40I've rather better things to do, thank you.

00:22:55Said he was no one special.

00:22:57Have they got a phone here?

00:23:01Why?

00:23:03They haven't, have they?

00:23:05Do you want to get some nookie lined up or something?

00:23:08If I did, do you think I'd be playing darts with you two?

00:23:11Look, are you fed up here?

00:23:14Are you?

00:23:15We'll split after this game.

00:23:16Anything you say.

00:23:17We can go for a few of the King's Head.

00:23:19Great.

00:23:20And that ends our probe.

00:23:23Well, Monday tomorrow.

00:23:25Hallelujah.

00:23:26Pardon?

00:23:28I don't know what you're paying for that phone,

00:23:29but whatever it is, you're being done.

00:23:32Good night.

00:23:50Good morning.

00:24:01Good morning.

00:24:10Chalton for Pope.

00:24:11Long may he reign.

00:24:13Amen.

00:24:15What's going on?

00:24:16Pound's up again.

00:24:18Oh, God.

00:24:20Today's special.

00:24:21Bloody travellers, Jax.

00:24:23Yeah.

00:24:24Suddenly everyone's going on holiday.

00:24:26So does.

00:24:28Enjoy yourself while you're young.

00:24:45Why do we always do that?

00:24:4893 times a day.

00:24:50We never see anything.

00:24:52My timing, not disturbing your singing, I hope.

00:25:19See Geoffrey on Sunday.

00:25:20See Geoffrey on Sunday.

00:25:22Oh, Geoffrey.

00:25:24That Neville's the greatest.

00:25:29Is he dishy or is he dishy?

00:25:34You never promise he's going to take the stream out and film this.

00:25:36I consider him packing Geoffrey in.

00:25:37One date was enough.

00:25:40Why?

00:25:43He's cancer and I'm Libra.

00:25:45Is that bad?

00:25:46Hopeless.

00:25:49Actually, I'm slightly off the male gender at the moment.

00:25:51Five.

00:25:52Five.

00:25:53Five.

00:25:54Five.

00:25:54Which is...

00:25:55Which is...

00:25:56I see the Spanish police are throwing your lot out of Ibiza.

00:26:00Bank clocks.

00:26:01Your lot?

00:26:02Football supporters.

00:26:03Hippies.

00:26:04Oh.

00:26:05My lot.

00:26:06At the third stroke, it will be 7.22.40 seconds.

00:26:12It will be 7.22.50 seconds.

00:26:13That's it then.

00:26:14Fate.

00:26:15I see the Spanish police are throwing your lot out of Ibiza.

00:26:17I see the Spanish police are throwing your lot out of Ibiza.

00:26:19Bank clocks.

00:26:20Your lot?

00:26:21Football supporters.

00:26:22Hippies.

00:26:23Oh.

00:26:24My lot.

00:26:25At the third stroke, it will be 7.22.40 seconds.

00:26:35It will be 7.22.50 seconds.

00:26:38That's it then.

00:26:41Fate.

00:26:42All over by 7.23 precisely.

00:26:45So what?

00:26:48Plenty more where she came from.

00:26:51PHONE RINGS

00:26:53Is that the speaking clock?

00:26:56Is that Geoffrey?

00:26:57Is that Beryl?

00:26:59Yes.

00:27:00Yes.

00:27:01Hi.

00:27:02Hi.

00:27:03It's terrifically exciting, isn't it? Getting to know a person.

00:27:26Fantastic.

00:27:28I want to know all about you.

00:27:33That's what it's all about.

00:27:36For example, with things in common already.

00:27:41Definitely.

00:27:42About what?

00:27:45We're enormously fond of animals.

00:27:50Right.

00:27:51And we're both from Manchester.

00:27:52Have you ever been abroad?

00:27:53No.

00:27:54Have you?

00:27:55No.

00:27:56Unless you count Istanbul.

00:27:57Istanbul?

00:27:58Was it beyond belief?

00:27:59I don't know.

00:28:00I was only three.

00:28:01Do you ever get the feeling you've been somewhere before?

00:28:04Sometimes.

00:28:05I do.

00:28:06What now?

00:28:07No.

00:28:08Just...

00:28:09Just somewhere.

00:28:10No.

00:28:11No.

00:28:12No.

00:28:13No.

00:28:14No.

00:28:15No.

00:28:16No.

00:28:17No.

00:28:18No.

00:28:19No.

00:28:20No.

00:28:21No.

00:28:22No.

00:28:23No.

00:28:24No.

00:28:25No.

00:28:26No.

00:28:27No.

00:28:28No.

00:28:29No.

00:28:30Just...

00:28:31Just sometimes.

00:28:32Yes, I do.

00:28:37Such a lot, isn't it?

00:28:42In getting to know others.

00:28:44Hmm.

00:28:48He was live and easy limbed.

00:28:51His stride quietly casual.

00:28:54His eyes clear and confident.

00:28:56and his strong mouth ready to break into a relaxed, assured, lopsided grin.

00:29:06You know, Geoffrey, you have a really lopsided grin. Really. You know, lopsided.

00:29:15I don't think I have.

00:29:16It's in the eye of the beholder.

00:29:20See?

00:29:22Geoffrey doesn't need someone else when he's tying a knot.

00:29:26He holds it down with his little finger.

00:29:30It must be marvellous, being a man.

00:29:33It's OK, l suppose.

00:29:35Men can do anything. Conquer Everest. Do heart transplants.

00:29:40Become leader of the opposition. Anything!

00:29:52Geoffrey, NO spells no.

00:29:54It's good for your circulation, Beryl. Read any women's magazine. It's good for theirs, too.

00:30:01Not sure they recommend Percy Filth on Tuesdays.

00:30:04I only see you on Tuesdays and Saturdays.

00:30:07All Saturdays.

00:30:08Beryl.

00:30:10Beryl.

00:30:14Beryl.

00:30:16Oh, Geoffrey Bubblesbomble.

00:30:17Oh, Beryl.

00:30:19Oh, Geoffrey.

00:30:21Oh, Beryl!

00:30:23Are you all right? What exactly happened? Don't tell me.

00:30:24I just had a sharper jack of dramatic irony.

00:30:28Pardon?

00:30:34Come back. They're better. It's better. I'm OK.

00:30:38I told you, it's going to pour.

00:30:43It's not.

00:30:47Urgh.

00:30:51It's only the angels crying.

00:30:54I know how they feel.

00:30:57Well, don't blame me. I haven't done anything.

00:31:00That's true.

00:31:02That's not true, Beryl. I have apologised.

00:31:05I keep going down on me knees when I'm talking to you.

00:31:08Independent observers think I'm training to be a Cossack dancer.

00:31:11It must be a bad line. I can't hear you.

00:31:14You'd better apologise again.

00:31:17I apologise again.

00:31:20Gosh, this lousy line.

00:31:23I wonder if Geoffrey would like to come to tea on Sunday?

00:31:28Pardon?

00:31:30Pardon?

00:31:32Is that who I think it is?

00:31:34No, dear.

00:31:40Well, isn't this nice?

00:31:50Sardine sandwich.

00:31:52Is it all sardine?

00:31:53Yeah.

00:31:55She's got her own trawler.

00:32:03Isn't it awful?

00:32:05What?

00:32:06I was speaking to Geoffrey.

00:32:07What's happening in the world? I blame the politicians.

00:32:11What for?

00:32:12For what's happening in the world?

00:32:17Talk to her.

00:32:21I can't speak Portuguese.

00:32:23Tasty.

00:32:25Very in oil.

00:32:27Very nice in oil.

00:32:28She's got a bad leg.

00:32:31The bread's extremely wholesome.

00:32:33Why, after this little baker down the road, he does something with the bleach.

00:32:39Yes.

00:32:46Can't do long conversations about sardine sandwiches.

00:32:49Your mind goes blank.

00:32:53Start thinking about life after death.

00:32:55Oh, that Neville, honestly.

00:32:56Number of hearts he must have broken.

00:32:57Every girl in Manchester nearly.

00:32:58Geoffrey definitely has.

00:32:59Probably even more.

00:33:01Air hostesses.

00:33:03All sorts.

00:33:05Tell me about your terrible past, Geoffrey.

00:33:07I haven't had one yet.

00:33:09White man speak with forked tongue.

00:33:10Actually, I was hoping more for a terrible future.

00:33:11Hmm.

00:33:12Wow, is that the time?

00:33:13At this moment in time.

00:33:14What have I done?

00:33:15Is Neville the insanely jealous type?

00:33:16Right in the seats?

00:33:17No.

00:33:18No.

00:33:19No.

00:33:20No.

00:33:21No.

00:33:22No.

00:33:23No.

00:33:24No.

00:33:25No.

00:33:26No.

00:33:27No.

00:33:29No.

00:33:30No.

00:33:31No.

00:33:32No.

00:33:33No.

00:33:34No.

00:33:35No.

00:33:36No.

00:33:37No.

00:33:38No.

00:33:39No.

00:33:47You're the insanely jealous type.

00:33:48Right in the slightest.

00:33:49You're lucky.

00:33:50Why's Geoffrey?

00:33:51Wow!

00:33:52You're not jealous of all my explains, are you?

00:33:53Of course not.

00:33:54Why should I be?

00:33:55Please stop interrogating me, Geoffrey.

00:33:56Forget it.

00:33:57That's all in the past.

00:33:58They're nothing to be jealous about.

00:34:02Who needs drama?

00:34:06So I shouted back at her, no shouts!

00:34:07I shouted back at her. No shop assistant shouts at me, I shouted.

00:34:11In the end, Neville nearly bolted me for swearing.

00:34:14He thumped you? Walloped you on?

00:34:18No. I said nearly.

00:34:23You never thump me, will you? Like Neville does Sandra.

00:34:27She adores it.

00:34:29Of course not.

00:34:31No.

00:34:33Geoffrey, Percy Filth isn't the only thing in life.

00:34:37It isn't even one of the things in mine.

00:34:39He used to talk to me.

00:34:40All right, let's talk.

00:34:46Geoffrey, I've just had the most super idea.

00:34:49Why? Is your mum going out?

00:34:53May as well pack in, really.

00:34:57Why?

00:34:59Why not?

00:35:01Good thinking.

00:35:10Thanks for a stimulating few weeks.

00:35:12You too. It was real.

00:35:13Psychedelic.

00:35:15You can keep me grateful dead, LP.

00:35:17I was scratched anyway.

00:35:19It's been a gasp.

00:35:21Groovy.

00:35:22I won't wave from the window.

00:35:25No, I won't look back anyway.

00:35:27Good.

00:35:28It's been a gasp.

00:35:29You've said that once.

00:35:40You're well-bred, Beryl.

00:35:41There's plenty more fish in the sea.

00:35:45About three very lonely sardines.

00:35:47Mother, please don't try raising one eyebrow at me.

00:35:53You know you can't do it.

00:36:00You'll never thorn me, will you, Geoffrey?

00:36:03Ow!

00:36:04Beryl, I've just had the most super idea.

00:36:06Are we going to put it up?

00:36:08No, we're going to pack it in.

00:36:09Don't say that.

00:36:11Please don't say that.

00:36:12That.

00:36:15Sandra.

00:36:16Sandra.

00:36:18You're Sandra.

00:36:19Mine.

00:36:23Two months.

00:36:24Two months, nine days.

00:36:28Is she positive?

00:36:29The test was.

00:36:31What are you going to do?

00:36:32She'll think of something.

00:36:34Sandra, it's stupendous.

00:36:39Congratulations.

00:36:40I hope you'll both be very happy.

00:36:42Oh, thanks, kid.

00:36:44Sandra, I don't know how you do it.

00:36:48Often.

00:37:02Time.

00:37:05Dad.

00:37:08What the other jeito is you can play.

00:37:16That's amazing.

00:37:24Ah, Don't do it.

00:37:27I have to leave in the back.

00:37:28I don't know how far is the best in the back.

00:37:30John for Pope.

00:37:42Long may reign.

00:37:50Aren't you, uh...

00:37:52Yeah.

00:37:55And you're, uh...

00:37:57That's right.

00:37:58Going somewhere incredible.

00:38:00I'm meeting me parents.

00:38:02Taking them to see Fiddler on the roof.

00:38:04That's pretty incredible.

00:38:06Your mummy and daddy.

00:38:09Uh...

00:38:10Oh, hell no, that's tomorrow.

00:38:13If I'm in the mood.

00:38:16Where you are.

00:38:18Depends where you take me.

00:38:20All I was saying about your friend with the glasses...

00:38:33Roland.

00:38:34Roland.

00:38:34Is that I found him intellectually unaware and psychologically incredibly boring.

00:38:39It's not bad at snooker.

00:38:40And how are you and little Beryl?

00:38:46Didn't she tell you?

00:38:47I don't work there anymore.

00:38:50I packed her in.

00:38:50Did she turn you off?

00:39:01Beryl?

00:39:02Yeah.

00:39:06I hadn't really looked.

00:39:09Seen one, you seen them all.

00:39:11Not quite all.

00:39:15I'll go and get me coat.

00:39:23Must be my birthday.

00:39:24Boys aren't the only thing in life, Beryl.

00:39:31I do wish you'd find one.

00:39:37They aren't all after Percy, Filth.

00:39:40Yes, they are.

00:39:42Mmm.

00:39:44Oh, you were terrific on the bus.

00:39:46Was I?

00:39:48Mmm.

00:39:49Terrific self-control.

00:39:51Joan of Arc never married, yet she led a full and happy life.

00:39:57Or am I thinking of someone else?

00:39:59Mother, I don't happen to be interested in boys.

00:40:02I happen to be interested in having early nights and writing poetry in bed with me Moe Felt-tip pen.

00:40:06It's run out of ink.

00:40:07I used it for me laundry list.

00:40:10My God, your generation's got a few things to answer for.

00:40:13Mmm.

00:40:14Mmm.

00:40:15Mmm, please.

00:40:16Mmm, don't.

00:40:18Please.

00:40:19You can't ravish a girl on her own doorstep.

00:40:21Mmm.

00:40:23Well, let's go inside, then.

00:40:25Mmm.

00:40:26Smooth-talking bastard.

00:40:33It is me birthday.

00:40:37What about the boy with the freckles from Shakespeare Crescent?

00:40:40I don't believe that question.

00:40:42You used to be crazy about him.

00:40:45I was 11 years old.

00:40:47He used to let me chalk on his tortoise.

00:40:49I don't believe that he was a ruler.

00:41:15what's your name again what's yours rock that's not your real name no Steven

00:41:27God that turns me on

00:41:31when I first met you in the street I thought just a quiet drink and a chat shows you the

00:41:44art of conversation and dead don't move a muscle however gorgeous

00:42:14testing testing Jeffrey Milleharp returns to the day I wish you everything you've ever wished yourself

00:42:25I'm fed up

00:42:43who are you

00:42:46who are you

00:42:47what are you fed up about

00:42:50teachers don't have to do homework

00:42:53no

00:42:54they just mark it

00:42:56anyone can mark it

00:42:59they've got the answers

00:43:00do you know it's after two o'clock

00:43:08what's he doing here then

00:43:09well this is your uncle Steven

00:43:15this is my revolting brother Jeremy

00:43:19how do you do

00:43:23don't my mum and dad know he's here

00:43:25Jeremy bed

00:43:26I could always wake them up and tell them

00:43:28Jeremy

00:43:29little boys need sleep

00:43:33even big astronauts

00:43:36do you know where babies come from

00:43:39do you

00:43:42say no

00:43:44no

00:43:44I do

00:43:45say yes

00:43:46shall I tell you

00:43:47he knows

00:43:48the man has this male organ and some blood cells and erectile glands

00:43:53and there's these 500 million spermatozoas in these testes that he has as well

00:43:58and he goes through his male organ into the female uterus that the lady has

00:44:02who told you that

00:44:04then they go to the fallopian tubes after that

00:44:07one of them fertilizes with the female egg

00:44:09the others don't bother

00:44:11anyway that's what you have to do

00:44:13then you have a baby

00:44:15did they teach you that at school?

00:44:19they do woodwork in the next class

00:44:20people can only make babies at certain times of the year

00:44:24but animals like dogs and cats and giraffes I think

00:44:28do it all the time

00:44:29no

00:44:31no

00:44:32that's people

00:44:34what is?

00:44:38well

00:44:39people do it all the time

00:44:41whenever they feel like it

00:44:46in the next class you can do metal work if you don't like woodwork

00:44:53goodnight jeremy

00:44:5625p

00:44:5950

00:45:0050

00:45:03goodnight uncle steven

00:45:14would you care for a government health warning?

00:45:34hey veronica?

00:45:36yes

00:45:36who the hell's uncle steven at ten past two in the morning?

00:45:39a friend of jeremy's

00:45:41he's going now

00:45:42goodnight love

00:45:45we would have done that wouldn't we?

00:45:50and how

00:45:50you can't win them all can you?

00:45:56anyway

00:45:57do you good going without for a change

00:45:59still there's always another day

00:46:06tomorrow?

00:46:08no

00:46:08tomorrow's another day

00:46:11shh

00:46:12not unless you happen to be in Plymouth

00:46:14where?

00:46:16I'm joining the wrens for three years

00:46:18what wrens?

00:46:21the royal navy's wrens

00:46:24this time tomorrow I'll be in barracks with about 50 other girls and 30,000 sailors

00:46:30hope I like it

00:46:33well

00:46:36thanks for nearly everything

00:46:39we definitely would have done wouldn't we?

00:46:42well obviously

00:46:43we're as good as dead in a way really

00:46:46almost

00:46:47just keep telling yourself and we will have only better

00:46:51goodnight love

00:46:53try a barrel

00:46:55morning previous generation

00:47:19what's for breakfast?

00:47:31you knew it was your mother's birthday

00:47:33now what we'd like to know

00:47:34is where were you while we were fiddling on the flaming roof?

00:47:37I'm sorry mum

00:47:38I'll take you out another night

00:47:40something cropped up

00:47:41like what?

00:47:43dad

00:47:44you understand

00:47:45I don't Geoffrey

00:47:48well you always say you do

00:47:50Geoffrey you're at it every night

00:47:53yes dad

00:47:55and we don't complain

00:47:56no dad

00:47:56but last night was different

00:47:58I knew you'd understand

00:48:00iets

00:48:01it's a bing

00:48:02I knew you would have been

00:48:03besetting

00:48:03no Joan

00:48:05no

00:48:05i know

00:48:06no

00:48:07i know

00:48:08yes

00:48:12no

00:48:14I know

00:48:26I know

00:48:29Charlton for Pope. Long me around.

00:48:32Amen.

00:48:33What's going on? Pounds down again.

00:48:36Up and down like a pair of knickers.

00:48:38You should know.

00:48:40Or me.

00:48:42Know what I mean?

00:48:44What a night.

00:48:46Wow.

00:48:48A lot.

00:48:50Including action replays in slow motion.

00:48:54Hey lads, I picked up a bit of spare last night.

00:48:58Who didn't?

00:49:00No, it's true.

00:49:02Yes, Geoffrey.

00:49:04It is.

00:49:06Yes, Geoffrey.

00:49:12Bloody is.

00:49:16Poor Geoffrey.

00:49:18Beryl, please. It's Neville's engagement party as well.

00:49:20You had to invite him.

00:49:22He'll see me. It's cruel.

00:49:24He'll see other girls.

00:49:26I shan't take him back, Sandra.

00:49:30I shan't.

00:49:31It's been two weeks. He may have got over you by now.

00:49:36Don't know much about men, do you, love?

00:49:38It was doing him a kindness, really.

00:49:52Finally splitting up.

00:49:54He only had one ambition in life.

00:50:10Send my knickers to Oxfam.

00:50:12Good job she hasn't joined the Wrens.

00:50:14The entire Navy had gone strike.

00:50:20I expect he's sorry now.

00:50:22I won't even consider taking him back if he isn't.

00:50:26She might have changed, of course.

00:50:28If she has, I might let her have the old orgy now and again.

00:50:32He's got to accept we've finally split up.

00:50:36Otherwise, I definitely won't take him back.

00:50:42Well, I'm certainly not making the first move.

00:50:44At least I've got me pride.

00:50:46I left with Beryl, baby.

00:50:48Oh, hi.

00:50:50Didn't see you.

00:50:51No, nor me.

00:50:54And how's Manchester City doing without me cheering them on, then?

00:50:56United.

00:50:57We're winning every game now.

00:51:00Oh, good.

00:51:02And what's new with Geoffrey, then?

00:51:10I asked you what was new with you.

00:51:11Actually...

00:51:16Did you?

00:51:17Did I say more?

00:51:19Pardon?

00:51:20And how's Beryl, baby, getting on, then?

00:51:23Geoffrey, I'm not all that ecstatic about you calling me Beryl, baby.

00:51:27It isn't like you.

00:51:29Say that again.

00:51:30Beryl, baby.

00:51:33What's your name, handsome?

00:51:36You'll laugh.

00:51:37Everybody laughs.

00:51:38It's the story of my life.

00:51:41You tell it like it is, Chuck.

00:51:46She used to put on an axe.

00:51:52What do you care?

00:51:55I don't have a baby.

00:52:02Is she going to get into bed with him now?

00:52:06Probably.

00:52:10Geoffrey always looks half asleep these days.

00:52:12Well, it's very exhausting.

00:52:16What is?

00:52:18Working in a bank.

00:52:20Oh.

00:52:21I had this bad scene, this chick, and decided to split.

00:52:33So I cut out, man, like there's no tomorrow.

00:52:39This cat gets it together where he's at, man.

00:52:43Lots of beautiful bag, baby.

00:52:46So if you want a piece of the action,

00:52:49don't cool it.

00:52:51Dig?

00:52:55Hm?

00:52:57Sorry, I no understand English.

00:53:05Gesundheit.

00:53:06Gesundheit.

00:53:09I thought she'd only just been to bed with the other one.

00:53:13She has.

00:53:15And which is her husband?

00:53:17Neither.

00:53:22It's warming up, isn't it?

00:53:23Great beat, isn't it?

00:53:31Great beat, isn't it?

00:53:33Great to dance to.

00:53:40Do you agree that life's an onion?

00:53:44If so, what's death?

00:53:45Erm...

00:53:49A banana.

00:53:52Yes, I expect it is when you think about it.

00:53:55Have you read Schopenhauer's Concept of Existence?

00:53:59Erm...

00:54:01No.

00:54:03But I've seen the film.

00:54:05You married?

00:54:07No.

00:54:09Grab yourself an adage.

00:54:11Marriage is a cabbage.

00:54:13Are you a poet?

00:54:16Never ask the questions.

00:54:17Ask the answers.

00:54:19You are a poet.

00:54:22To any manager at Marks & Spencer's.

00:54:25Good job.

00:54:28I really do, Chip.

00:54:30Now he's taking his clothes off.

00:54:34What's on ITV?

00:54:36This.

00:54:38What's on BBC?

00:54:42Cutting over.

00:54:44What's that like?

00:54:46This.

00:54:48Oh, come on now.

00:54:50You know that's not where it's at.

00:54:52Let's get this...

00:54:54What's the word?

00:54:56Let's get it clear.

00:54:58Let's get down to the real nitty-gritties-ville.

00:55:00OK?

00:55:01What's the word?

00:55:02What's the word?

00:55:03What's the word?

00:55:05What's the word?

00:55:07What's the word?

00:55:09Women's lip is not about burning brass.

00:55:13Papers, yeah.

00:55:15What papers?

00:55:17A marriage certificate.

00:55:18A dog's licence.

00:55:20Whatever you prefer to call it.

00:55:22Look, let's be basic about this, Enid.

00:55:24All girls want marriage.

00:55:25And a wide wedding.

00:55:26Really basic.

00:55:27You want to be really basic.

00:55:28Utterly basic.

00:55:30Bulls.

00:55:32Graves?

00:55:34Enid.

00:55:36When Sandra says every girl, she means most girls.

00:55:39Well, like herself.

00:55:41Not me, of course, because I incredibly value my independence.

00:55:44But most girls definitely want...

00:55:46Bulls!

00:55:48If you can't conduct an intelligent conversation without recourse to...

00:55:51I'm not recourseing to anything.

00:55:52I'm merely telling you what girls want.

00:55:55Bulls!

00:55:57Would you please stop saying that?

00:56:00You believe in free love, right?

00:56:02Wrong!

00:56:03I believe in free everything.

00:56:04Freedom from all male chauvinists.

00:56:05Pig domination.

00:56:07Honestly, don't you understand?

00:56:09If we're liberating society for the future, I'm sure.

00:56:12Excuse me.

00:56:13Excuse me.

00:56:14You've got your hand on me.

00:56:15No!

00:56:17Oh, sorry.

00:56:18Well, I'm sorry.

00:56:20It's all right.

00:56:21Oh, gee.

00:56:22It's a pleasure.

00:56:23Grass?

00:56:24Geoffrey, if not to.

00:56:25Why not?

00:56:26I said don't.

00:56:27You're not to smoke it.

00:56:38Oh, wow.

00:56:40We're as liberated as you, Enid.

00:56:42We've equal importance as individuals.

00:56:45Neither of us is boss.

00:56:46It just doesn't arise.

00:56:48We'll make some coffee, kid.

00:56:49Yes.

00:56:50Yes.

00:56:51You see, what we...

00:56:52Now.

00:56:55You see...

00:56:56Well, one.

00:56:58I can see there's only one way to get through.

00:57:05What are you doing?

00:57:06Lighting everybody's fire.

00:57:11Burn my bra.

00:57:12There are.

00:57:17Right.

00:57:18That's it.

00:57:19Finished.

00:57:20The end.

00:57:21Full stop.

00:57:23We've finally split up.

00:57:24Neville.

00:57:25Sandra wants you.

00:57:26I should imagine.

00:57:29Sad, isn't it?

00:57:33Pathetic.

00:57:34Well, I can't follow plays these days.

00:57:41It's just showing real life, that's all.

00:57:44I once thought I'd found her.

00:57:50The perfect girl.

00:57:53Red hair.

00:57:55Not too skinny.

00:57:57Very gentle and shy.

00:58:01Passionate when roused.

00:58:03Yeah.

00:58:06She packed me in for picking my teeth with a matchstick.

00:58:09You're very sweet, Reverend.

00:58:11I've always thought you were.

00:58:16Did you know you very nearly have a love-sided grin?

00:58:20It's just I'm a bit tired.

00:58:21No, it's nice.

00:58:22It's nice.

00:58:47I don't think I've washed that one.

00:58:49Oh, sorry.

00:58:54Do you know...

00:58:55What, Beryl?

00:58:56She can ask me anything.

00:58:59Do you know where Geoffrey's got to?

00:59:04He's upstairs, I think.

00:59:11Is it true they're dry on their own?

00:59:14Usually.

00:59:22I hate to be any trouble, but I think I'm dying.

00:59:25You'll be all right, honest.

00:59:27She said I shouldn't smoke it.

00:59:29Who?

00:59:31She said...

00:59:35Geoffrey?

00:59:38Geoffrey?

00:59:43Move up a bit, Geoffrey.

00:59:45Put your legs...

00:59:47That's better.

00:59:49It's because it's your first time, isn't it?

00:59:52Ooh.

00:59:53Ooh.

00:59:57Move up a bit, Geoffrey.

00:59:58Put your legs...

01:00:00Ooh.

01:00:01That's better.

01:00:05It's because it's your first time, isn't it?

01:00:09Ooh.

01:00:10Oh, call Dr. Wise, put a Quilmslow road.

01:00:21It wasn't marijuana, you know.

01:00:26What was it then?

01:00:28Grass.

01:00:30Grass is marijuana.

01:00:33This grass wasn't.

01:00:35It was the real thing.

01:00:38From the front lawn.

01:00:40It was the real thing.

01:00:49Is that you, Beryl?

01:00:55Had a nice time?

01:00:57Even though it's three o'clock in the morning.

01:01:00Not that I mind, if you've had a nice time.

01:01:03Even though I've been in bed since ten, having a good night's worry.

01:01:08Did you see Jeffrey?

01:01:09That's good.

01:01:17Do you ever get the feeling you're trying too hard?

01:01:19Do you ever get the feeling you're trying too hard?

01:01:37I didn't try at all.

01:01:39Gave me to rest.

01:01:40I'm right off, birds.

01:01:46I am.

01:01:47I am.

01:01:49For good.

01:01:51Me too.

01:01:53And me.

01:01:54Good morning.

01:02:14Your mother would like to know if you have a reservation at this hotel.

01:02:17Good night.

01:02:18Good night.

01:02:19Good night.

01:02:20Good night.

01:02:21Good night.

01:02:22Good night.

01:02:23Good night.

01:02:24Good night.

01:02:25Good night.

01:02:26Good night.

01:02:27Good night.

01:02:28Good night.

01:02:29Good night.

01:02:30Good night.

01:02:31Good night.

01:02:32Good night.

01:02:33Good night.

01:02:34Good night.

01:02:35Good night.

01:02:36Good night.

01:02:37Good night.

01:02:38Good night.

01:02:39Good night.

01:02:40Good night.

01:02:41Good night.

01:02:42Good night.

01:02:43Good night.

01:02:44Good night.

01:02:45A barrel, a barrel.

01:03:15Geoffrey, can I rip your trousers off and have my way with you?

01:03:24Oh, barrel.

01:03:27Oh, Geoffrey.

01:03:30Oh, God.

01:03:33Hello.

01:03:45Will you be required in the room again, sir?

01:03:48Because we're thinking of taking bookings for the next pop festival.

01:03:52I don't know who he takes after.

01:04:03Hello?

01:04:05It's me.

01:04:06Who?

01:04:07My God, that's symbolic.

01:04:09Oh, hello, Beryl.

01:04:10I'm just ringing to tell you I never want to see you again.

01:04:13If you have a phone or call, please don't, because I shan't be in.

01:04:16Tonight or any other night.

01:04:18Anyway, tonight I'm helping me mum at the school jumble sale.

01:04:21It's a small world.

01:04:50Good evening, Mrs. Battersby.

01:04:54I was looking for a nice lampshade.

01:04:57Oh?

01:04:59Probably this one.

01:05:01Definitely.

01:05:02Magic in satin.

01:05:03Oh, certainly, Geoffrey.

01:05:05Who's here in his nice crimson shoes?

01:05:11You'd like some nice fancy random paper, wouldn't you?

01:05:15I'm a child of the universe, Beryl. I have a right to be here.

01:05:20I'm afraid we don't sell marijuana on Sundays. Try the co-op.

01:05:22Beryl, listen.

01:05:23If you can smell burning, it's just that the vicar's been round burning his jock strap.

01:05:26Beryl, listen.

01:05:27Have you got that in another colour?

01:05:29No, madam.

01:05:30I'll leave it then.

01:05:40Listen to what, for heaven's sake?

01:05:42Don't matter.

01:05:43Don't matter.

01:05:44What doesn't?

01:05:45You wouldn't, anyway.

01:05:46Wouldn't what?

01:05:48Go to the match with me on Saturday.

01:05:51Me?

01:05:52A football match?

01:05:54With 40,000 skinheads and you?

01:05:56Told you.

01:05:58Who are they playing?

01:06:06Huddersfield Town.

01:06:08In the co-op.

01:06:09I've always wanted to watch Huddersfield Town.

01:06:16The...

01:06:17The fourth from the bottom.

01:06:19Shows you.

01:06:21Away from home, they've won three, drawn five and lost 12.

01:06:28Drawn five.

01:06:34So what do you think?

01:06:37I think I nearly love you.

01:06:51Never mind.

01:06:52It's only a game.

01:06:53I thought you said you nearly loved me.

01:07:16I don't recall Grace Kelly enticing Prince Rainier

01:07:19by going to Watch United.

01:07:21I may be wrong.

01:07:22Grace who?

01:07:23We live in a permissive society, Beryl.

01:07:26Read any colour supplement.

01:07:28Mother, you're supposed to be my mother.

01:07:30I am, love.

01:07:31And it wasn't through going to football matches.

01:07:34You are the same mother that makes me tug my skirt down

01:07:36every time I stand up, even if he's only on the phone.

01:07:38Yes.

01:07:39Well, boys are very safe.

01:07:42And I am your mother.

01:07:43That's what I said.

01:07:45I don't mean permissive permissive.

01:07:50Let's see.

01:07:52Romantic.

01:07:55Pardon?

01:07:56Kissing, cuddling.

01:07:58Things of that nature.

01:08:02Oh, we do.

01:08:03Do what?

01:08:04What you just said.

01:08:06Good.

01:08:07Not too much, I hope.

01:08:09Oh, God.

01:08:10Boys are very funny.

01:08:11They're novices compared to mothers.

01:08:17Did I tell you that two new people have moved into the house opposite

01:08:20with the green curtains?

01:08:22Oh.

01:08:26Two new people have moved into the house opposite

01:08:28with the green curtains.

01:08:30Fantastic.

01:08:32The Cowgills.

01:08:33Mr. and Mrs. Cowgill.

01:08:34Married couple.

01:08:35Newlyweds.

01:08:36Not long married.

01:08:37You go bald doing that.

01:08:38Doing what?

01:08:39Did I tell you 28 stockbrokers have moved into the office opposite with the dirty curtains.

01:08:54I'll tell you, 28 stockbrokers have moved into the office opposite with the dirty curtains.

01:09:09They're living in sin.

01:09:13Can you say one single sentence without the word marriage in it?

01:09:21If I said to you, do you think Cassius Clay would have beaten Rocky Marciano, would you say what's it matter so long as they're happily married?

01:09:28I don't think so.

01:09:31A barrel would.

01:09:34Giving you a bad time, is she?

01:09:38Oh, I wouldn't say that.

01:09:42I haven't even mentioned the word.

01:09:46What word?

01:09:48It's me, a single person can have a relationship with another single person without everyone thinking she's automatically...

01:09:53I never said you were!

01:09:54You think it!

01:09:57All right, Geoffrey. I hereby promise never to utter the word again.

01:10:15Marriage?

01:10:16Never.

01:10:18Well, until I am. If I ever do. Which I fervently hope I never will.

01:10:24For someone who's not uttering something, when's your old pee coming out?

01:10:31No two people have a divine right to happiness, Geoffrey. You mustn't feel guilty about me.

01:10:37Sorry?

01:10:39No one can say you've completely ruined me life. Not yet.

01:10:50What are you staring at?

01:10:55Hello?

01:10:56You all right, son?

01:10:57Terrific.

01:10:58Why did you throw your sponge pudding at the cat then? Your mother's theory is you're overworking.

01:11:04Hmm.

01:11:05My theory is you're overdoing it with some dolly bird.

01:11:08Oh.

01:11:09What's your theory?

01:11:10Indigestion.

01:11:12Oh.

01:11:14What's yours, Sundance?

01:11:17Hasn't he said anything at all?

01:11:19He has said one thing.

01:11:20Oh, what's that?

01:11:21If God had meant sardines to be in oil, it had given them dipsticks, all right?

01:11:27The weeks and months drag by, and with neither side willing to compromise, we still have deadlock.

01:11:34Her Majesty's government have consistently tried to find a way out of this dilemma.

01:11:39Another wild night learning what NO spells and how many of us school pals are getting married.

01:11:44And what NO spells.

01:11:46And what NO spells.

01:11:48Great!

01:11:49I might as well go bald and open my own monastery.

01:11:52And so society, that's you and me, says end this dispute. End it now. Good night.

01:12:01Hear, hear.

01:12:02Good, wasn't he?

01:12:04Terrific.

01:12:05Especially when he said good night.

01:12:08We're just enjoying ourselves.

01:12:10Having a good time.

01:12:12Just having fun.

01:12:13Feeling happy!

01:12:15Take two a day, after meals, and one if you find yourself crying your heart out again in the middle of a zebra crossing for no reason at all.

01:12:27You're sure this has nothing to do with a boyfriend?

01:12:29Absolutely positive.

01:12:30That was the first film we ever saw together.

01:12:35Make that three a day after meals.

01:12:49Look, Beryl, how's this for a peace plan?

01:12:52You join a marriage bureau, and I'll get a job on the stage. Twice nightly in Denmark. Then we'll both be happy. Right? Right. Good Jesus Christ, superstar. Amen.

01:13:04Oh, hell.

01:13:06Pound's up again.

01:13:07See you tomorrow.

01:13:09Do you think you're going?

01:13:16Geoffrey, I'll get the sack.

01:13:18It's important.

01:13:20What is?

01:13:23I keep asking you what is.

01:13:27What is?

01:13:29To be on our own.

01:13:32What?

01:13:33It says we can talk.

01:13:35What?

01:13:36That old speech worked out on the bus this morning.

01:13:45The only bit I can remember is, and that's what I think.

01:13:50Last night, I dreamt I was in goal for Manchester United, and Grace Kelly kicked nine goals past me.

01:13:55Grace who?

01:13:56She was playing for United as well. Weird, isn't it?

01:14:01The main thing is, we do communicate.

01:14:13Oh, we do.

01:14:14See what I think?

01:14:15See what I think...

01:14:16See what I think...

01:14:17Go on.

01:14:18No, you. Mine wasn't important.

01:14:19No, mine wasn't.

01:14:20Beryl.

01:14:21Beryl.

01:14:22Are you...

01:14:23Happy?

01:14:24Of course.

01:14:25Very.

01:14:26I am.

01:14:27No one is every second of every minute.

01:14:28No, you.

01:14:29No, you.

01:14:30Mine wasn't important.

01:14:31No, you.

01:14:32Mine wasn't.

01:14:33No one is every second of every minute of every day.

01:14:34No.

01:14:35I am.

01:14:36No one is every second of every minute of every day.

01:14:38No.

01:14:39I'm not.

01:14:40I'm not.

01:14:41Do you think it's because we love each other?

01:14:42Do you think?

01:14:43Do you think it's because we love each other?

01:14:44Do you think?

01:14:45No.

01:14:46I'm not.

01:14:47No.

01:14:48No.

01:14:49I'm not.

01:14:50Do you think it's because we love each other?

01:14:51Do you think?

01:14:52No.

01:14:53No.

01:14:54No.

01:14:55No.

01:14:56No.

01:14:57No.

01:14:58No.

01:14:59No.

01:15:00No.

01:15:01No.

01:15:02No.

01:15:03No.

01:15:04No.

01:15:05No.

01:15:06No.

01:15:07No.

01:15:08No.

01:15:09No.

01:15:10No.

01:15:11No.

01:15:12No.

01:15:13No.

01:15:14No.

01:15:15No.

01:15:16No.

01:15:17Yes.

01:15:18Probably.

01:15:19Not actually said the words often.

01:15:20Well, not in so many words.

01:15:21Mostly in words to that effect.

01:15:37Is there anything you don't love about me?

01:15:41No.

01:15:42I don't think so.

01:15:43Honestly, no.

01:15:44Nothing. If there is, you just tell me and I'll stop doing it.

01:15:49There isn't anything. Honest. Good.

01:15:54It wouldn't upset me. It'd just make me a better human being to deserve your love.

01:16:03Like, you know, crimson shoes and bottled green socks.

01:16:10You don't wear crimson shoes and bottled green socks, Beryl.

01:16:13If I did, I'd stop to please you.

01:16:20I see.

01:16:25There's no need to be sensitive, Geoffrey.

01:16:27In a meaningful relationship, you must like even what you don't.

01:16:33Your mother? Pardon? I like your mother.

01:16:35Please don't sulk, Geoffrey. Hand her lampshades.

01:16:38Sulking isn't the most endearing quality in a person.

01:16:41Well, you ought to know. You've almost made it an art form.

01:16:44Anything else at random?

01:16:46You've got 24 hours to spare.

01:16:48After all, I'm no Bridget Bardot.

01:16:50According to reliable sources in Saint-Tropez, she's 105 next birthday.

01:16:54Over 98% of the male population of Manchester and Salford can tell the difference between Bridget Bardot and Beryl Battersby.

01:16:59Ask any opinion poll. I'm much fatter for a start.

01:17:03You're not all that fat, Beryl.

01:17:05I am.

01:17:06Start slimming.

01:17:07Men like something to get hold of.

01:17:08If they're allowed to get hold of it.

01:17:10You always succeed in getting back to Percy Filth in the end, don't you? Always.

01:17:14No, I don't, Beryl. You do. I always fail.

01:17:17Do you know what some girls find extremely likeable? The extremely likeable way some boys stare at every girl they see.

01:17:23Boys like it when girls tell them what N-O spells. Especially for the 600th time. That they really dig.

01:17:29You never say dig.

01:17:31I did then.

01:17:32Your passionate, unrequited love for 11 boring men kicking a ball about. That's really lovable.

01:17:39I never knew you thought that.

01:17:41Neither did I.

01:17:43Do now, though.

01:17:53I used to say dig before I met you.

01:17:59I used to say all sorts of things.

01:18:05There's a lot about me I can't even remember.

01:18:29Thinking what I'm thinking.

01:18:33I think so.

01:18:35We just don't like each other.

01:18:38At all.

01:18:51Oh, goodbye, then.

01:18:54Good luck.

01:18:55Peace, man.

01:19:00St Anne's Square.

01:19:01St Anne's Square, please.

01:19:13So that just leaves a cot, two matinee coats, two romper suits.

01:19:20And what else do I need?

01:19:21Oh, yes.

01:19:22A ring.

01:19:23A teething ring?

01:19:24A wedding ring.

01:19:26Of course.

01:19:28Oh, they have gorgeous prams in the shops these days.

01:19:32No wonder everyone's at it.

01:19:35Oh, sorry.

01:19:37What about?

01:19:38Skip it.

01:19:40About time, too.

01:19:42With a sympathy.

01:19:43Not that I need any, actually.

01:19:44I've never been as happy in me life.

01:19:47But she doesn't know that.

01:19:49If I'm looking miserable, Sandra, it's because I'm feeling happy for you.

01:19:53Yeah.

01:19:58We know what you must be thinking.

01:19:59Of course we do.

01:20:01How to pop the pink without going in off.

01:20:03Ace.

01:20:11She used to wear pink, you know.

01:20:13I won't tell you where.

01:20:17A hell of a lot more where hers came from.

01:20:20Wow.

01:20:25Did you want the chalk, Geoffrey?

01:20:27Anno spells no.

01:20:31Super day for it.

01:20:33Hmm, sin being inside a day like this.

01:20:37Well, Sandra.

01:20:39This is it.

01:20:40Yep.

01:20:41The big day.

01:20:42Yep.

01:20:43Coming to the crutch.

01:20:45Crunch.

01:20:47I dare say it'll hardly break my heart in the slightest seeing him again.

01:20:51You mustn't think I'll be crying inside because I most definitely won't be.

01:20:55And what's more, no one will know that I am.

01:20:58Because I shan't.

01:21:00Truly.

01:21:02Sandra, please, you've enough to think of.

01:21:09It's a big day for you as well, really, isn't it?

01:21:16And now one of the bride and groom on their own.

01:21:19Do you mind stepping back, sir?

01:21:21Fine.

01:21:22This is fine enough.

01:21:23Here.

01:21:24There.

01:21:25Lovely.

01:21:26You can kiss the bride on this one, sir.

01:21:28Wow.

01:21:29Official permission to actually kiss her.

01:21:33Ow!

01:21:34Oh, sorry.

01:21:36That's right.

01:21:37Hold it.

01:21:39Lovely.

01:21:41Right now, a nice family group of the parents, please.

01:21:44Funny.

01:21:45I remember the Friday lunchtime they first met.

01:21:49How have you been?

01:21:50Absolutely great.

01:21:51Absolutely great.

01:21:52You?

01:21:53Never better.

01:21:54Ever.

01:21:55That's it.

01:21:56That's it.

01:21:57Hold it like that.

01:21:58It's all over now.

01:21:59Bar the salmon salad.

01:22:02It's tuna fish.

01:22:03It's a fish.

01:22:04It's life.

01:22:12See, President Nixon went to China, then.

01:22:15That was before we ever met.

01:22:17I know.

01:22:18Why?

01:22:19Has something happened about it?

01:22:20No.

01:22:21Oh?

01:22:22Could I trouble you for the salad cream, please?

01:22:24Hmm.

01:22:27Speaking personally, I think there are enough problems to sort out on Earth without going to the moon.

01:22:31Nixon.

01:22:33Nixon?

01:22:34Why is he going?

01:22:36No.

01:22:38The astronauts.

01:22:39Oh.

01:22:41It's the wives and sweethearts I feel sorry for.

01:22:46We never really talked, did we, about things that matter?

01:22:50Good, isn't it?

01:22:51Shows we're friends.

01:22:53Now that we know we don't like each other.

01:22:55Everybody thinks we're brokenhearted.

01:22:57We've really grown up, haven't we?

01:23:03My mother's convinced herself we split up because we had too much Percy filth.

01:23:07I'm right off it myself.

01:23:09I've been able to walk off buses perfectly normally for the past few weeks.

01:23:13Aw.

01:23:14I expect it's only temporary.

01:23:16I hope not.

01:23:17It's marvellous.

01:23:18Good.

01:23:20I don't fancy you in the slightest now.

01:23:22Thank you, love.

01:23:23Still off the food, I noticed.

01:23:32And we've learnt a fantastic amount for the future.

01:23:35Fantastic.

01:23:36For example, say I finally did marry someone like you, only someone I love.

01:23:41I bet I'd now let him wear crimson shoes and bottle green socks every night.

01:23:44In bed a bet.

01:23:51And you'll probably meet some little fatty who's never even heard of Kenny Warhol and marry her three days later.

01:23:59We probably won't see each other at all now, we're pals.

01:24:02I expect you're going to the match this afternoon.

01:24:04Oh, yeah.

01:24:05I'm helping Sandra Packer go in a way case.

01:24:08Where's she going?

01:24:09Hospital.

01:24:13Well...

01:24:15We'll bump into each other sometime.

01:24:39Oh, God.

01:24:41Oh, God.

01:24:42Oh!

01:24:44Oh hello Mrs. Battersby. You won't remember me. Good afternoon Jeffrey.

01:25:04Is Beryl there please? She's gone to the football match.

01:25:12There is no football. It's cricket now. Well it's the same thing isn't it?

01:25:39Hi!

01:25:42When's the kick-off? In about three months. Football season's over now Beryl.

01:25:48What on earth did you want to come for?

01:25:52I forgot. I'm not all that interested these days.

01:25:57Where will you go now then? I don't know.

01:26:03Could always go inside and practice booing for next season.

01:26:09Where will you?

01:26:11Might go and get a new pair of tights.

01:26:13Hey it's like the countryside isn't it when it's empty?

01:26:17Fancy a stroll in the country?

01:26:19May as well. If you like. Don't mind. Why not?

01:26:23Just as friends.

01:26:25Oh I meant just as friends.

01:26:27Yeah I did.

01:26:35Wish we had a ball.

01:26:37You could play shooting in.

01:26:43You could go in goal.

01:26:49Amazing how people change isn't it?

01:26:51Well we're certainly much happier without each other.

01:27:07We'll be even happier with someone else.

01:27:23Anyone really.

01:27:33There's millions to choose from.

01:27:35All nearly exactly right for us.

01:27:39You'll find someone Geoffrey.

01:27:41You will Beryl.

01:27:43Just a matter of keeping your eyes open really.

01:27:45Picking one out of the crowd.

01:27:47Lensley!

01:28:11Lensley!

01:28:12Lensley!

01:28:15And you'll find sometimes

01:28:33Love and rainy weather can turn out fine

01:28:38Getting wet together's fun

01:28:41When the crying's done

01:28:47Love and rainy weather

01:28:51Are followed by the sun

01:28:56Love and rainy weather

01:29:00Love and rainy weather

01:29:05When the crying's done

01:29:11Love and rainy weather

01:29:16Are followed by the sun

01:29:21Love and rainy weather

01:29:25Are followed by the sun

01:29:33Bye-bye

01:29:37Love and rainy weather

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