- 3 hours ago
Four Americans open up about the realities of taking care of their aging parents, from the emotional and financial challenges to the life lessons they’ll never forget.
Category
😹
FunTranscript
00:00caregiving living in a community it is all so so expensive going through the paperwork from my
00:09dad's care his nursing home back in 2009 cost $5,000 a month I don't think any elder ever
00:16intends for that to be how their life savings and their hard work is spent in their latter
00:23years unfortunately the finances drive so many decisions as far as do you stay at home do you
00:31bring in a private caregiver do you move to a community do you move in with your kid or does
00:36the kid move in with you it's not easy and quite honestly there's no road map it affects every
00:42family at some point if I could give any advice to those of us that are still on the younger side
00:46you better get busy doing this now because if you're not setting aside money you're not going
00:53to have money to take care of this my relationship with my mother is the most important in my life
01:11she's my best friend she's everything to me mom was a PE teacher and she also was a realtor she did
01:24that for for many many years and she really was so active she played tennis until she was in her 70s
01:29when I was growing up in Ukraine my mother was a editor stenographer for the state newspaper as a
01:36result she's collected such a wealth of knowledge it still hasn't run out in 30 years that I've known
01:42her my mom came from a very wealthy family back in Canton China she used to live in a huge house almost
01:54like a city block long and she had many servants and nannies taking care of the family because she's
01:59one of seven children when the commies took over back in 1949 they literally had to run out of the
02:07country there's no time to really pack but move so literally went from riches to rags we came to this
02:16country with three suitcases there was nothing to take there was no money to take it was just get here
02:22and start start a new life she started as a hair colorist many years ago back in the 1960s finally
02:29she branched out and had her own hair salon after immigration had to adjust and she carried our
02:37family through on full-time cleaning jobs she cleaned houses for good 25 years sometimes three houses a day
02:45five days a week any job in America respectful it doesn't matter that I am cleaning cleaning which is
02:53a shame in my country here I was loved with my clients and they respect me so I did not feel any
03:04shame here my dad was born in 1933 in order for him to have a better chance at life he enlisted in the
03:18Navy at 15 he was in the Korean War and he was actually a gunman on a battleship we went and sailed to Japan
03:26and then we went to Korea in December of 2017 my mom had basal cell carcinoma removed from her eyelid was a
03:39major surgery that's when I think I really sort of noticed that I'm gonna have to step in more and stay
03:46more on top of her medical situation because she just been taking care of it all of herself
03:51my mom was diagnosed with Alzheimer's in 2015 at the time I did notice some noticeable changes in
04:02her with repeating certain phrases or saying things that she said earlier my dad became disabled in 2003
04:11when I was in high school and it was a tough road dad needed long-term care so I had to help out with
04:20my mom and we just stuck together as a team to take care of that difficult situation and he just passed
04:26away in February I came to live with my dad after a fall in July of this year I am his personal chef I'm
04:34his personal shopper his his maid you know really whatever he needs on a daily basis I probably spend you know
04:41one and a half to two hours managing or taking care of my dad's needs my mom starting in 2019 she's
04:53been dealing with this epilepsy and I've had to take on the care for her all of the hospital visits all
04:58the medications the neurology exams things are not the same with my mom now I have to help her go to
05:06the bathroom making sure she's clean and when I was a baby she did this to me it can be really
05:15difficult to figure out how do I juggle wanting to be the best mom I can how can I be the best daughter
05:20I can how do I do both people think they can do it themselves oh I can help mom get her dinner ready
05:28or can help her put her bed I can help her with her finances but after a while when he does day-to-day
05:33does get tiring since I have a family my own also working full-time I'm trying to balance out the
05:38two as well as taking care of mom kind of in this in the sandwich generation as they call it my dad
05:50and my stepmom planned very well so they had everything put in place to manage their own
05:55finances but with the current situation obviously at some point they could run through that money going
06:02through the paperwork from my dad's care his nursing home back in 2009 cost I believe $5,000 a month the
06:10plan that we have now is Medicare pays for 80% while we pay for the 20% of the facility Medicare will pay
06:16for 100 days what happens after 100 days it actually goes up to the full price of $800 a day so you're
06:24talking about $800 a day times 30 days for example that's $24,000 luckily my mom many years ago did her
06:31own estate planning herself she made quite a bit of money but also she saved her quite a bit of
06:35money and she invested for a future my mom only gets Social Security from what she worked on she
06:42had no pension as a cleaning lady we live together and I provide the housing the car the insurance
06:47the gas all of all of the stuff so these life circumstances have definitely informed how I'm
06:55going to spend my life because I realized the value of having relative financial stability it was very
07:01important to get a profession and not follow my heart and do whatever it is the 14 year old in me
07:07wanted to do having a front-row seat to my parents finances their health care their lifestyle has
07:16confirmed to me that you better have a plan I oh that's mom's phone oh it's probably a scammer yeah
07:29that's it work yeah we're not going to talk to them slide down to ignore there's so many solicitors
07:36that call your aging parents and this is a pet peeve of mine she can get anywhere from 5 to 15 calls a day
07:43from various companies asking for money or people pretending to be from various law enforcement
07:49agencies or IRS or any type of debt collection agencies we've heard him give out his credit card
07:55number to someone we found a hundred and forty dollars of magazine charges that were being charged
08:02to him every single month so what I did was I found a local service where now they have to press
08:08one in order to speak to someone so the only calls that are getting through are people that
08:13actually know us it was unfortunate that because people are elderly whether it's dementia or any
08:18other type of debilitating disease that these people have the nerve to actually go out and try to
08:24steal money from people like my mom the more you can be prepared when your parents are blowing and going
08:35being independent is going to make things so much easier later on there are so many of these legal documents
08:40that if you wait till you need them it's too late when you don't have the documents you cannot pay
08:46their bills you cannot access their bank account it's really important for caretakers to really
08:51consider getting power attorney as well as a proxy as our parents are very independent we just assume
08:55that they've taken care of everything I knew that there was probably a will that have been done I
09:00assumed there was powers of attorney those kinds of things but it made it really clear that oh we need to
09:04make sure we need to see those documents I remember when my mom was in the hospital and she wasn't
09:11responding after one of her strokes and the physician said there's a likeliness that she could not you know
09:18come back on this one do you know what your mom's you know final wishes are and that was a reality check
09:24because that was the first time that I had ever faced the actual reality of this could be it for my mom
09:32the advantage of preparing these documents is you are able to discuss their wishes clearly how they
09:40want to be taken care of I firmly believe because my parents met with a financial planner at whatever
09:47point of their life that they did that that's why they're in the position that they are this probably
09:52started when they were 30 and now that they're 92 and 88 they're able to not have the stress and not
10:00worry about those things because this has been the plan all along the biggest financial advice I can
10:06give to anyone is really to get a financial planner or CPA someone can help out watching this retirement
10:15or disability play out with my parents has me regularly all these years thinking about my own
10:21retirement my own possible disability so I've always been very focused on saving as much as I can for
10:28retirement if you haven't already talked to a financial planner please do you know do it for
10:33you do it for your children do it for your family because it is very expensive if you can plan to where
10:39you have the cost taken care of regardless of the disruption in your well-being and your health
10:46you're able to enjoy life better because you're not burdened with the stress of finances it's a bit of a
10:53double-edged sword because I don't want to limit myself now for retirement that I may not see should anything happen so it is a
11:01balance putting away a few thousand dollars less in retirement but enjoying the year going out to
11:08restaurants or whatever events or maybe a vacation even though I could have put that money away and maybe gotten to
11:14retirement a little bit faster can you take trips and vacation sure but you need to create a budget can't go
11:20to Disney World every year what's going to happen later on when you need that money sure enjoy life
11:24with with pleasures that you want to do but also think about the future too because once people stop
11:30working or once the finances dry up what do you do from there and that's a big question mark that
11:35people really need to consider don't hold back on spending for quality moments a good meal maybe some
11:43flowers something to brighten the day every day something small show love and loyalty to the ones
11:50that love you the part of the aging process that hits me the most is seeing the decline and the creeping
12:06aloneness she's such a big personality and so talented and funny and vivacious cute I love it and just
12:16seeing that decline old people we feel like it's a shame for us when young people make these notes and
12:28criticize us believe me we we know about this too but we try to cover it like nothing happened watching
12:40them not be able to do the things that they've always been able to do it's hard there's
12:46no way to make that easier it's just hard it's really a mind shift switch that you have to flip that
12:54helps you sort of feel like okay as much as she looks fine there's something broken in her brain and
13:02so she can't remember in the way that she used to and that is really really hard got to a point where
13:10she's having trouble talking speaking full sentences having a meaningful conversation
13:18which is heartbreaking to me you know we normally have conversations every day about anything from
13:24the news to things in general in life the only things you can really say to me these days is you
13:29know I love you very much and you know my handsome son these are things that were very hard for me at
13:34first and it's I just have to learn to accept it I think the biggest piece of advice I'd give is just
13:44know that you haven't done this before of course you don't necessarily know what it's like to have
13:50to try to tell your parent what to do or try to take their keys away or try to get them not to drive
13:56on their own give yourself a little bit of grace self-care as a caregiver is very important what I learned
14:03from other people experiences as well as doctors advice is really to take care of yourself just like
14:09being an airplane as you know if there's an emergency where the oxygen mask comes down if you've ever heard
14:14the term put the oxygen mask on yourself first then take care of the person next to you my main advice
14:25to people going through the same or a similar situation is to find a good therapist to not
14:33swallow my feelings to let them out take the time express your emotions and then go back having
14:41that community just can help you feel like you're not the only one you have to survive in those moments
14:47you have to keep carrying it through but it does take a toll
14:51I'm very very happy with my daughter for me she is unique she is my star she is my heroes if she will need
15:06I will give her my kidney even two of them I want to be her to be happy because her happiness is my happiness
15:18I've been a daddy's girl my whole life so this brings me a lot of joy to be able to serve him in this way
15:24and look out for him this way
15:26oh I enjoy my life with my wife and daughters and everything and then we enjoy each other
15:34it is a very satisfying way to spend your life if that's the circumstances you find yourself in
15:41here you go daddy
15:42it's not just honoring the person that brought you into this world and has loved you and supported you
15:50but it gives you closure
15:52love you too
15:54and with my dad I know that when that day finally comes I'll have peace of mind that I was here when it counted
Recommended
12:13
28:06
34:16
1:10
5:37
18:59
16:17
39:29
18:21
50:37
Be the first to comment