The Bunny Caper. (1974 film)

deaddogsdam

The young daughter of a high ranking political figure gets into trouble when she and her friends compete at bedding the foreign diplomats.  Christina Hart - Bunny O'Hara Oliver Gilbert - Young Lieutenant U.S. Army Harry Towb - Four Star General Glenn Beck - General's Aide Peter Forbes-Robertson - Newscaster Rex Wei - Shen Ying Ric Young - Wang Lo (as Eric Young) Steve Plytas - Krashneff Milos Kirek - Krashneff's Interpreter Gordon Sterne - Randolph O'Hara David Beale - Lord Teakwood Myvanwy Jenn - Judith Carter Eunice Black - Miss Grimm Sarah Brackett - Harriet Best Drina Pavlovic - Sal Jane Anthony - Jackie Jill Damas - Chris Irene Peters - Melinda (as Irena Peters) Bobby Sparrow - Pretty Girl Caroline Whitaker - Agnes Crutcher Erin Geraghty - Ducky Roy Evans - Hotel Clerk James Snell - 1st Guardsman Fred Haggerty - 2nd Guardsman Roger Tallon - Krashneff's Chauffeur Murray Kash - Doctor Wolfgang Meyer Ed Bishop - Stuart Beard Kristopher Kum - Chien Nicholas Leahy - Policeman Nadim Sawalha - Abdur  Director - Jack Arnold

Transcript

00:00:00Disgraceful. Shocking. Completely immoral, revolting and outrageous. I tell you we're fast

00:00:13going to hell in a handbasket when it can happen right on the lawn of the White House.

00:00:17It was one of those damn fool teas for teenagers the first lady's always giving.

00:00:22For daughters of important men. That means money men. It was a beautiful day in Washington.

00:00:28A bit more windy than usual. In fact, one could almost say that nature played its part

00:00:34in what was about to happen. And what was about to happen was Bunny O'Hara. Deadly. A walking

00:00:41landmine ready to explode at the first touch. The first time the girl was ever left loose

00:00:47on her own. I still say it was a dirty, commie plot. Arranged by enemy agents to destroy us.

00:00:53Caught everybody by surprise.

00:00:58Made a shambles of our whole military machine.

00:01:01Worse than the sneak attack on Pearl Harbor.

00:01:20Completely demoralizing. Started with just a second lieutenant and a little puff of wind.

00:01:33But in only one year, that young vixen had worked her way up through the ranks like a hurricane.

00:01:38From lieutenant to captain.

00:01:50From captain to major.

00:01:56To colonel.

00:02:03To colonel.

00:02:08To brigadier general.

00:02:22To brigadier general.

00:02:39To major general.

00:02:42To general.

00:02:44It's a national emergency.

00:02:46We've got to do something before she completely destroys the Pentagon.

00:02:49Yes, sir. I certainly agree, sir.

00:02:50She may move on to Congress next.

00:02:52Then the Supreme Court.

00:02:53Then the cabinet.

00:02:54And God help us if she ever makes the White House.

00:02:58I couldn't agree more, sir.

00:02:59Stop agreeing.

00:03:00Suggest something.

00:03:01Her father, Randolph O'Hara, was a major contributor to the president's re-election campaign fund.

00:03:09I know that.

00:03:10We can't get to him with money.

00:03:12I was thinking of something else, sir.

00:03:15You get to men like that with honor and prestige.

00:03:18Get them appointed to some high government post.

00:03:21It'll take them out of the country.

00:03:23Say, a foreign ambassador's post.

00:03:25He's a big financier.

00:03:27President of three companies.

00:03:28Chairman of two boards.

00:03:30I've got it.

00:03:32We'll appoint him to a foreign ambassador's post.

00:03:35Brilliant idea, sir.

00:03:37How about London?

00:03:39Post is open.

00:03:40Call the White House.

00:03:41Get the State Department.

00:03:43Move!

00:03:45Yes, sir.

00:03:54Did you do it?

00:03:56Yes, sir.

00:03:57Help me.

00:03:58I did it.

00:03:59For national defense and security.

00:04:02For the good of my country.

00:04:05But I'm going to miss my little bunny-boo.

00:04:11You can always come to London and see me, poochie-poo.

00:04:14How?

00:04:15On what excuse?

00:04:17Start a war with England.

00:04:19Invade!

00:04:20Invade.

00:04:21Why not?

00:04:24London's airport is becoming virtually a who's who of international diplomats and statesmen today.

00:04:34All converging here for the forthcoming world disarmament talks.

00:04:49Ministers from West Germany, Italy and France have already arrived.

00:04:53And other world leaders are expected momentarily, including Shen Ying of the Chinese People's Republic.

00:05:00The Chinese diplomat is accompanied by the entire red Chinese ping-pong team, which is here to play an exhibition tournament.

00:05:10But now I see Comrade Shen Ying.

00:05:22And here comes the airliner bringing the Russian delegate.

00:05:25Comrade Krashnik.

00:05:26Top man in the Soviet Politburo.

00:05:28Comrade Krashnik, looking as tanned and genial and as dynamic as all his photographs, is the first out of the plane with his young interpreter.

00:05:43And to cap it all, ladies and gentlemen, your new American ambassador, Randolph O'Hara, is just arriving.

00:05:58He's been attending a meeting of foreign diplomats in Geneva.

00:06:05Lord Teakwood!

00:06:06Ambassador O'Hara, on behalf of Her Majesty, welcome to London.

00:06:10I'll drive you to the embassy.

00:06:11Thanks, sir.

00:06:12My secretary, Miss Carter.

00:06:14Miss Carter?

00:06:17Now, where's that girl?

00:06:18What girl?

00:06:20My daughter.

00:06:22Goodbye.

00:06:23Thank you very much.

00:06:33What a delightful child.

00:06:35Cha.

00:06:36Smashing.

00:06:37What?

00:06:38Here we go again.

00:06:42She's a female liberator.

00:06:43Real smooth operator.

00:06:44As she cruises down the corridors of state.

00:06:49She's a female liberator, a real smooth operator, as she cruises down the corridors of state.

00:07:10She may look like a desert flower, look out, she'll devour her, just anyone who cares to take the bait.

00:07:30Now she's finished with her USA, look out, London Bunny's on her way.

00:07:44You don't have to be presidential, as long as you're influential.

00:07:57You'll find that you're the apple of her eye.

00:08:06Though her daddy has tried to scold her, and many have tried to hold her.

00:08:14She flicks and bursts, just like a butterfly.

00:08:25Now she's finished with her USA, look out, London Bunny's on her way.

00:08:36Now she's finished with her USA, look out, London Bunny's on her way.

00:08:53As your daughter hasn't visited Atlanta before, I thought we'd take the tourist route.

00:09:07Sure, great.

00:09:16That's the famous Thames River, isn't it?

00:09:19Oh yes, very large and firm.

00:09:21I mean, yes, quite, absolutely.

00:09:23Water, you know, all water.

00:09:26Oh.

00:09:43That's Buckingham Palace.

00:09:45Yes.

00:09:46With no standard of flying, Her Majesty's not in restaurants.

00:09:49It's beautiful.

00:10:06Look.

00:10:08Isn't that Trafalgar Square?

00:10:10Won't the statue of Nelson be coming up?

00:10:12Oh, yes.

00:10:13Oh, how right you are.

00:10:15Oh, yes.

00:10:16Up.

00:10:21I want you to send that right away.

00:10:24Girl.

00:10:33Hey.

00:10:34I want to talk to you, Bunny.

00:10:35About Lord Teakwood.

00:10:36Oh, he turned out to be a real swinger.

00:10:38Says he's going to have me for tea every day.

00:10:41What did he say instead of tea?

00:10:43I am not going to let you infiltrate the British Parliament.

00:10:48Oh, come on, Father.

00:10:49I've got just as much right to go into government as you.

00:10:53I don't give a damn if you go into government.

00:10:55I just want to keep government out of you.

00:10:58You've got a sex-ridden mind, Father.

00:10:59That's where I get it.

00:11:00You'll start an international incident.

00:11:01World War III.

00:11:02From now on, I'm keeping you under lock and key.

00:11:03Oh, brother.

00:11:04You mean from now on I have to come to you and say, um, Daddy, this fellow wants to take

00:11:05me out tonight.

00:11:06Can he borrow the keys to my chastity belt?

00:11:07Don't get smart with me, young woman.

00:11:08I'm taking you out of public circulation.

00:11:24I can do it, you know.

00:11:27You're still 17, a minor.

00:11:29Thanks a lot.

00:11:31After you always wanting to be a big diplomatic wheel and I fixed it for you.

00:11:34diplomatic wheel and i fixed it for you i wanted to get it on merit you did on my merit

00:11:42what's the matter with her all she thinks about is sex sex sex constantly how did she get that way

00:11:52well i disagree with her she certainly didn't get it from her father

00:11:55she's got to be locked up put her away you can't jail your own daughter no i was thinking one of

00:12:02those english finishing schools i hear they're strictly running closely watched well there goes

00:12:07the british educational system i don't think so judith if she's kept away out the country with

00:12:13nothing but other girls kept under a tight thumb she just might get over it what she needs a big

00:12:20dose of culture and refinement what she needs is a big dose of salt peter i'm serious i've heard this

00:12:28one school whole field house not far out of london if i can get her in there that's where she's going

00:12:50it looks like a morgue only quieter it's one of the finest finishing schools for girls in england

00:13:15well it'll finish me in about one day well this is where you're going i had to put a lot of strings

00:13:21to get you accepted they're very selective you're cruel they only take girls from the finest families

00:13:26all over the world it's the worst thing that's ever happened to me oh stop fighting me bunny maybe

00:13:32you'll like if i don't can i come home tomorrow no way they're gonna make a lady out of you that kills

00:13:38you you're gonna learn something besides how to unmake a bed if you know how to do that you don't

00:13:44have to do anything else and i'm loaded with natural talent come on

00:13:52but you've never been enrolled at a private school before my dear and no ma'am i've never been any

00:13:58place or seen anything or done anything surely you've been to public school dear i've been getting

00:14:05private lessons for some time now your daughter will be in most excellent hands here i assure you

00:14:12mr ambassador thank you miss grim you've put my mind at ease now what is your first name dear bunny

00:14:22that is a small child's nickname we're all grown-up young ladies here my name is bunny we firmly

00:14:30discourage any and all holdovers from infancy security blankets and such things she hasn't brought

00:14:38any soft woolly stuffed animals with her what oh no no she left her teddy bear at home good

00:14:48what is your first name dear child bunny that's very childish a bunny is a rabbit why should any young

00:14:56lady want to be called a rabbit why don't you know miss grim it's because i'm her name is mary

00:15:04margaret that's much better a very nice name mary margaret may i even your hands miss grim i do have

00:15:13some urgent business at the embassy of course harriet who is my first assistant will show mary margaret

00:15:20to her digs and introduce her to her lovely roommates thank you thanks for everything goodbye darling

00:15:33now you behave yourself if you fall up here the next place may be worse

00:15:38i'm looking forward to having a real young lady in the family i hope you find one have fun

00:15:45be a big brave girl after all you're not being deserted you know we are all here to give you care and

00:15:54attention and constant companionship we'll ease that ache you just don't know where i ache oh

00:16:03harriet

00:16:06such a dear sweet innocent little thing but so terribly childish naive

00:16:11you pardon me for saying so mr ohara she's a typical product of your primitive backward country the

00:16:19states are so bourgeois so far behind us the girls mature so much later there

00:16:29i'll carry a thing fed cop one more feel and you're dead what do you mean i'll spread the word you

00:16:35you lousy and suck you filthy little hypocrite you really are a degenerate monster takes one to know

00:16:43one just um show me to my cell huh butch oh really

00:16:53this is mary margaret o'hara this is selena barker jones jathleen parker christine ashford

00:17:01there's your bed that's where you put your thing now move in read the rules and i don't think you're

00:17:08going to make it forget all that formal crap she's jackie she's sound and i'm chris welcome to the

00:17:19siberian salt mines thanks oh i'm bunny how much do we have to take from the ballsy drill sergeant

00:17:27hurry up the gym instructor also miss squirm's number one stool pigeon and watchdog we call her the

00:17:32hairy beast she actually shakes don't knock it she's even more revolting with that five o'clock shadow

00:17:39she's a hairy bitch oh i think you've got the wrong gender she's a real bull dyke what's a bull dyke

00:17:47are you putting me on are you putting me on honest you poor kid none of you know what i'm talking

00:17:54about do you excuse me how long have you been in this prison camp it doesn't take long they brainwash

00:18:02you in a week zap you're a zombie so what's a bull dyke a bull dyke is well like when two girls are

00:18:11making it the bull is the one doing all the work you mean you've made the scene not with dykes i only

00:18:17make it with men men you mean like plural lots of men how many bunnies who counts oh damn that's the

00:18:26pool bell we've got to go it's a rule a swim a day keeps the doctor away i can use a swim after the trip

00:18:33out here do you do this every day yes if the weather's good what do you do if the weather's not

00:18:39good something awful like mathematics with the bull dyke no she's all brawn no brain well the pool

00:18:47should be refreshing it was really hot in the car coming out here oh you must be joking that water's

00:18:53so warm there's nothing refreshing in a swing barry beast always watches us so we never have any peace

00:18:59we can't do anything lead the way you're not going like that why not what's to be modest about a house

00:19:07full of females she's right let's all revolt against the victorian oppression of this nunnery fantastic

00:19:17so ready

00:19:31what do you think you're doing where are your bathing costumes it's grim

00:20:01what's going on

00:21:26Hi. Hi. Fun, isn't it?

00:21:29Yeah.

00:21:30Oh, you know the hairy beast is reporting it to Miss Grimm?

00:21:33This is just for openers.

00:21:34I'm going to run her hairy legs ragged reporting.

00:21:36Oh, you've really been out on the loose with men. They let you fall around.

00:21:56Oh, I wasn't falling.

00:21:57Oh, God, what a breath of fresh air. We were wondering if there were actually any men out there.

00:22:01And if any girls were getting them, well, they were still young enough to enjoy it.

00:22:04Out in the free world, you can make it any time, any place. 24 hours a day.

00:22:09Oh, did I miss anything?

00:22:12It seems like you are. I've missed everything.

00:22:15There must be a man who works around here.

00:22:18Only the gardener. And he's really old and ruthless.

00:22:21But even he's beginning to appeal to me.

00:22:23Oh, queen, get it, get it, get it.

00:22:27Oh, queen, get it, get it, get it.

00:22:30Oh, queen, get it.

00:22:31Oh, queen, get it.

00:22:33Oh, lovely, my pistol.

00:22:35What did I tell you?

00:22:36Come back.

00:22:37How dare you?

00:22:40Don't do it.

00:22:40Burn my heart.

00:22:41At it.

00:22:42Don't.

00:22:43Alert.

00:22:44Control yourself.

00:22:46It's all her fault.

00:22:47That's American.

00:22:48All her fault.

00:22:49Mary Margaret, I want to see you in my office in five minutes.

00:22:52Properly addressed.

00:22:54Honey, let's go.

00:22:59What are you doing in there?

00:23:05What happened?

00:23:08I cried a bucket full all over the old bag.

00:23:11I was three years old.

00:23:13Really, Miss Grimm?

00:23:15You mean boys and girls are different?

00:23:18Viva de France.

00:23:21But what about us?

00:23:23You're all off the hook.

00:23:24Oh.

00:23:25She thinks you were humoring me, trying not to disillusion me.

00:23:29Harriet was right.

00:23:31I'm not going to make it here.

00:23:33I think I'll kill myself.

00:23:37Here, you can borrow this.

00:23:39It's really filthy.

00:23:41I don't need a head trip.

00:23:43I know how you feel.

00:23:45But maybe some of us can get lucky Friday night.

00:23:48How?

00:23:49Why?

00:23:49Where?

00:23:50Do you play basketball?

00:23:52Basketball.

00:23:53We've got a pretty good team.

00:23:55All three of us are on it.

00:23:56Yay, team.

00:23:58No, look, Chris taught Miss Grimmons letting us play a game against Druthmore.

00:24:02That's a boy school not far away from here.

00:24:04How old are these guys?

00:24:06About the same age as us.

00:24:08Kids.

00:24:09Some of them are pretty tall.

00:24:11One's six-six.

00:24:12Six and a half feet of acne.

00:24:15When you've been here as long as we have, you don't care if they've got leprosy.

00:24:19Oh, come on, Bunny.

00:24:20Join the team.

00:24:23Maybe.

00:24:24Die, die, die.

00:24:49Oh, my God.

00:25:19You're supposed to be watching this ball.

00:25:49I love the way you trippled.

00:25:53What?

00:25:54Down your chin.

00:25:59Hey, Geronimo!

00:26:15I love the way you trippled.

00:26:22I love the way you trippled.

00:26:29I love the way you trippled.

00:26:36I love the way you trippled.

00:26:43I love the way you trippled.

00:26:48I love the way you trippled.

00:26:55I love the way you trippled.

00:27:04I love the way you trippled.

00:27:10I love the way you trippled.

00:27:17I love the way you trippled.

00:27:19I love the way you trippled.

00:27:21I love the way you trippled.

00:27:28I love the way you trippled.

00:27:30I love the way you trippled.

00:27:33You better believe it. Men. Mature men. Big wheels with brains and lots of experience.

00:27:42Wait till you've made that scene.

00:27:44I've had men. How many?

00:27:47Like you, who counts?

00:27:49Yes, we've all had men. Isn't that right, Sally?

00:27:51Oh, lots of men. But what can we do about it here?

00:27:54Come on. Be honest. None of you would know what to do with a real man.

00:27:59I could swing with any real man you'd care to name.

00:28:02Me too. Like that. Any time, any place.

00:28:06Okay. Prove it. Let's make a bet.

00:28:19Stop shuffering and get on with your studies.

00:28:22We're just discussing domestic and world affairs.

00:28:25Huh.

00:28:28These affairs will rock the world.

00:28:31Okay. Now, what's the plan?

00:28:34Here are several issues of the sun from different days this week.

00:28:38I didn't look at them, but on the front page of each is a special section called International Newsmakers.

00:28:43I know. It always features some big wheel who lives in London or who's visiting the city.

00:28:48Right. Now, we each pick a paper, face down, sight unseen. Whichever man you draw, that's the one you have to get in the sack.

00:28:57Insanity. Those men are world famous.

00:28:59You're not gonna cut out on me now, are you?

00:29:02Afraid you can't do it.

00:29:03Not me. I'll go first.

00:29:06Comrade Krashnev, the big wheel in the Soviet bullet bureau.

00:29:17I hear he goes for jazzy cars and sailing round the Black Sea.

00:29:20A real swinger.

00:29:22Should be a pushover, if that's not all propaganda.

00:29:26But where's he staying in London?

00:29:27How do I find him?

00:29:29Probably the Russian embassy.

00:29:31It also says here he's invited to supper at the foreign minister's house.

00:29:36He shouldn't be too difficult to find.

00:29:39Very funny.

00:29:41Try your luck, Chris.

00:29:42How about you?

00:29:43No, I'll go last.

00:29:45That way you can't say I had an easy one all picked out.

00:29:48Okay.

00:29:53Oh, God! A Chinaman!

00:29:56I could get luckier than that with a fortune cookie.

00:29:59Well, he is young and athletic looking.

00:30:02And he is the star of the red Chinese ping pong team.

00:30:05The Communist team is in London for one week of exhibition matches.

00:30:08Wang Lo is captain.

00:30:11Go ahead, Sal.

00:30:18Far out!

00:30:20Now he's a real swinger.

00:30:22Dr. Wolfgang Meyer.

00:30:24Foreign affairs expert from America.

00:30:27And international playboy.

00:30:29The world's number one jet setter.

00:30:31But he has girls standing in line.

00:30:34So now you can prove how good you are.

00:30:36He's in London for those world disarmament meetings.

00:30:39And he's staying at the embassy house with my father.

00:30:42I'll trade you.

00:30:43No.

00:30:44Too easy.

00:30:45First rule of the game.

00:30:46Play it as it lays.

00:30:47Wow.

00:30:48If you can sack him, I'll say you're the greatest since Cleopatra.

00:30:52Impossible.

00:30:53He's never alone.

00:30:54Where could the two of you go?

00:30:55There must be a spare room somewhere in Buckingham Palace or Windsor Castle.

00:30:59No, girls.

00:31:00Come on, girls.

00:31:01Come on, it's halfway.

00:31:02You'll never come back here when I'm talking to you.

00:31:03Young ladies.

00:31:04Girls.

00:31:05All right.

00:31:06We go tonight.

00:31:07The first one to make it with her man wins.

00:31:08How do we know she makes it?

00:31:10We've got to have evidence.

00:31:11Some kind of proof.

00:31:12Kind of photographs.

00:31:13How do you take a photo of yourself?

00:31:14I'm in a very alone picture of something.

00:31:15Meet me, deem, deem.

00:31:16You know?

00:31:17You're going to work out for nothing.

00:31:18Then you don't find me in a moment.

00:31:19The first one to make it with her man win.

00:31:20How do we know she makes it?

00:31:21We've got to have evidence.

00:31:22Some kind of proof.

00:31:23Kind of photographs.

00:31:24Young ladies!

00:31:26Go!

00:31:28All right, we go tonight.

00:31:30The first one to make it with her man wins.

00:31:32How do we know she makes it?

00:31:34We've got to have evidence.

00:31:36Some kind of proof.

00:31:38Candid photographs?

00:31:40How do you take a photo of yourself while you're working?

00:31:42Ducky. What?

00:31:44Ducky, Charlotte Webfoot.

00:31:46She's dying to be a press photographer someday.

00:31:48There she is.

00:31:50Can we trust her?

00:31:54Completely.

00:31:56And she doesn't have to know everything until the final moment of truth.

00:31:58Okay, see if you can get her, Chris.

00:32:00All right.

00:32:02But what about the hairy beast?

00:32:04Because she makes room inspections all night long.

00:32:06And how do we get to London if we do get out?

00:32:08None of us have cars.

00:32:10Hairy it has.

00:32:12We can combine the two problems.

00:32:14You mean take the hairy beast with us?

00:32:16No.

00:32:18Get one of the girls to put out for her all night while we steal her car.

00:32:22Who'd go with the hairy beast?

00:32:24Agnes Crutcher.

00:32:25Why Agnes?

00:32:26She's pretty and the beast draws over her all the time.

00:32:29Think Agnes will do it?

00:32:31Her allowance is always late and always short.

00:32:33She'll do anything for money.

00:32:35Try her.

00:32:37Offer her 20 pounds more if you have to.

00:32:40Hi, Celine.

00:32:41Hi.

00:32:42Agnes, what would you do for 20 pounds?

00:32:43Oh.

00:32:44Arson?

00:32:45Treason?

00:32:46Murder?

00:32:47What had you in mind?

00:32:48Did you make it with Harriet all night?

00:32:49Oh.

00:32:50I've got some pride and self-respect.

00:32:51You won't do it.

00:32:52The hairy beast?

00:32:53All night?

00:32:54How about 30 pounds?

00:32:55Okay.

00:32:56There goes the last of my self-respect.

00:33:01You won't do it.

00:33:02The hairy beast?

00:33:03All night?

00:33:04How about 30 pounds?

00:33:05Okay.

00:33:06There goes the last of my self-respect.

00:33:08You won't do it.

00:33:09The hairy beast?

00:33:10All night?

00:33:11How about 30 pounds?

00:33:14Okay.

00:33:15There goes the last of my self-respect.

00:33:31There goes the last of my self-respect.

00:33:51Oh.

00:33:52Oh.

00:33:56Okay.

00:33:58Now, so...

00:34:29Oh, my God. Oh, we might as well forget it.

00:34:40What do you mean? Go back where everything's going so well?

00:34:43Chickening out?

00:34:44No chance. We're all in such a rush to get going. We forgot the most important detail.

00:34:49What's that?

00:34:50That is finding a place to leave from and report back to.

00:34:54You mean a kind of headquarters?

00:34:55Yeah, that's it.

00:34:56I guess it's all over.

00:34:58Oh, you poor, inexperienced bunch of kids.

00:35:02No imagination. No organization.

00:35:06What you need is a little American know-how.

00:35:08You mean you thought about it?

00:35:10I did something about it. I found us the perfect place.

00:35:15The Dorchester?

00:35:15The boys?

00:35:16The Hilton?

00:35:16The Ritz?

00:35:17Well, not exactly.

00:35:20Oh, that's our headquarters.

00:35:31It's a small hotel. Bigger ones can be nosy. Now look, we'll all take taxis and leave the car right here for you, Ducky.

00:35:52I object. We're the ones who have to get around.

00:35:55We can't all go in the same car and Ducky's got to be able to move fast when we need her.

00:35:59Well, let's get her set so I can find my Chinaman and start calling.

00:36:04Now don't forget, the Winner's got to get her man in bed and she's got to score.

00:36:11What else could happen?

00:36:12Well, we're not going to sleep with them. That's just an expression.

00:36:15Well, some men swing crazy, like the Chinaman may get his kicks out of having Chris beat them with a bag of fried rice or something.

00:36:21Now you sit right here so you can hear the clerk Pagey. Don't move. Don't leave for a minute.

00:36:42What if I have to go potty?

00:36:44Real press photographers never go potty. It'll be good training for you.

00:36:48You're too important right here, Ducky. Just wait and come with your camera when you get the call.

00:36:54Let's go.

00:36:55I'm going to get you.

00:37:02Paxi!

00:37:11I didn't know men had such funny hang-ups.

00:37:13There's a lot of real weirdos. Some only dig biting rear guard action.

00:37:17They don't want to be moved to the front.

00:37:18Oh, probably my Russian. They're so backward.

00:37:22It takes a real artist to make that kind do a good old-fashioned bounce.

00:37:26And that's our bet. Nothing else counts.

00:37:30Paxi!

00:37:31Bye.

00:37:33Oh, Sal, I don't want to do it.

00:37:35Neither do I.

00:37:38From the Times.

00:37:39Tell the graph.

00:37:41Your lovely mirror.

00:37:42Your lovely mirror, ma'am.

00:37:42I see you.

00:37:44They go home and they work around the farm.

00:37:46Line them up for a little bit, sir.

00:37:48Where are you going, John?

00:37:49Oh, Sal, please.

00:37:50Oh, my God.

00:37:50Oh!

00:37:51Oh!

00:37:52Oh!

00:37:53Oh!

00:37:54Oh!

00:37:55Oh!

00:37:56Oh!

00:37:57Oh!

00:37:58Oh!

00:37:59Oh!

00:38:00Oh!

00:38:01Oh!

00:38:02Oh!

00:38:03Oh!

00:38:04Oh!

00:38:05Oh!

00:38:06Oh!

00:38:07Oh!

00:38:07Gentlemen, gentlemen, please!

00:38:10Have you, sir?

00:38:10Comrade Wang has played the most exhausting games.

00:38:12Mr Wang, I've been dying to meet you.

00:38:14I'd like to ask you some questions.

00:38:16Is it true the Chinese invented the game of ping pong?

00:38:21They say it started when two Chinamen tried to pass a hard-boiled egg with chopsticks.

00:38:26Is that so?

00:38:27No.

00:38:29Oh, yes, we do.

00:38:30Is it coincidence you'll hear at all the conventions?

00:38:32Oh, purely coincidental.

00:38:34Is it true the Chinese practice several things a week for...

00:38:35Forget all this.

00:38:36What I really want is a private interview.

00:38:39How about your hotel room? Just the two of us.

00:38:43We can be so much more closely attuned in bed.

00:38:48Thank you. Thank you.

00:38:50No, thank you.

00:38:52I'll wait while you shower and change, and then we'll go straight away.

00:38:57Okay?

00:38:59Thank you. Thank you.

00:39:01Does the team play English cricket at all?

00:39:03No. Gentlemen, that's all for now.

00:39:05There's what you shower and change.

00:39:07We have scheduled a press conference for the hotel tomorrow morning.

00:39:10Thank you very much.

00:39:11Thank you. Thank you.

00:39:14Let's go.

00:39:15Let's go.

00:39:16Let's go.

00:39:18select the campaign, what are you going to do?

00:39:23Name that.

00:39:24Please please see the ball if they are going to die.

00:39:29Just click this Îl nettenem.

00:39:30Let's go.

00:39:31Okay here we go about the ball you are going to launch.

00:39:33Let's go, we will just go.

00:39:35Fantastic.

00:39:36Come here away, Jack.

00:39:37Nice to help me.

00:39:38Wow.

00:39:39And to help me this week.

00:39:41Give me a birthday.

00:39:42Why are you going to like it?

00:39:43What am I doing?

00:39:44Blabbermouth.

00:40:05Hello?

00:40:08Hello, could I speak to Charlotte Webfoot, please?

00:40:11Uh, this Webfoot? Telephone.

00:40:15Hello?

00:40:16Hello, Ducky. It's Chris.

00:40:19I'm at the sports stadium.

00:40:21I've got the Chinamen. Get here as quickly as you can.

00:40:24Got it. The sports stadium. Be right there.

00:40:26Thanks for preaching me.

00:40:27My pleasure.

00:40:28You was speaking to the sports stadium, I believe.

00:40:30You know, the ping pong match, eh?

00:40:32Yeah.

00:40:33How does it stand?

00:40:34She hasn't scored yet.

00:40:35Oh, great.

00:40:39Here I am.

00:40:40Oh, Ducky. Follow us.

00:40:42Wait till you're certain we're making it.

00:40:44But be alert.

00:40:45I have a notion Orientals are on and off in a wink.

00:40:49Like roosters.

00:40:50Be ready to snap a shot at any moment.

00:40:53I think he wants to do it in the shower.

00:41:06Oh, how awful.

00:41:08It's steaming. How can you enjoy it?

00:41:10Well, if that's what he fancies, we'll steam it up a bit more.

00:41:14Now, stay close. Glance in the door soon. Get that photo.

00:41:19Hell, hell, hell, hell, hell!

00:41:23martini!

00:41:24Where are you?

00:41:25Where are you?

00:41:26Where are you?

00:41:27Where are you?

00:41:28Where are you?

00:41:30Where are you?

00:41:32No!

00:41:33No!

00:41:34I don't know!

00:41:36Let me go!

00:41:38Let me go!

00:41:39Oh, let me go!

00:41:47So that's where he is!

00:41:50Well, thanks, boys. See you later.

00:41:53Bye-bye.

00:41:55Bye-bye.

00:41:56Oh, no!

00:41:57Oh, no!

00:41:59Oh, no!

00:42:01Oh, no!

00:42:03Oh, no!

00:42:05Oh, no!

00:42:07Oh, no!

00:42:09Oh, no!

00:42:11Oh, no!

00:42:13Oh, no!

00:42:15Oh, no!

00:42:17Oh, no!

00:42:19Oh, no!

00:42:21Oh, we're in the water!

00:42:23Oh, no!

00:42:25Oh, no!

00:42:27No!

00:42:29Not yet, duckie!

00:42:31No!

00:42:33Very cool, scary!

00:42:35Oh

00:42:42Don't you know, you're right

00:42:44I'm sorry, you're right

00:42:46I'm sorry, you're right

00:42:48I'm sorry, young lady

00:43:05I'm a friend of the family.

00:43:23I was told they're spending the night at Windsor.

00:43:35My father's the American ambassador.

00:43:42Look, I know I should have called first, but I just happened to be in the neighborhood, so...

00:43:49You want some identification?

00:43:53How about bribes? Take bribes?

00:44:00I think your buddy's deaf.

00:44:05Listen, I only want to go in for a minute.

00:44:10I'd really like to tell you all about it, but, well, it's sort of a date secret.

00:44:18Okay, I'm gonna lay it on you straight.

00:44:22It's like I got a date to make it in the castle, you know?

00:44:25A little undercover business, dig?

00:44:30It's very important.

00:44:32I've got to get laid.

00:44:37Oh, it's a bed, see?

00:44:41Oh, my goodness.

00:44:46Oh, my goodness.

00:44:50Excuse me, but, um, that limousine, it wouldn't happen to belong to Conrad Krasniv, would it?

00:45:10It just happens to, miss.

00:45:12Oh, gosh, can I touch it, please?

00:45:13Well, you can kiss it if you like. He does.

00:45:16It's his favourite next to his Jaguar, Mercedes, Lincoln Continental.

00:45:19He can't wait to visit Tokyo and order his new Datsun 240.

00:45:23Oh, thanks.

00:45:43Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!

00:45:46Ha, ha, ha!

00:45:47Ety Anglicani, tavaris per ebocic.

00:45:50Ha, ha, ha!

00:45:51Jedeme v skaregie, skaregie!

00:45:53Let's go, get going.

00:45:54S Soviet embassett.

00:46:43What are you doing here?

00:46:47What did he say?

00:46:53I am dreaming, but what are you doing here?

00:46:55Thanks, but what did he say?

00:46:57He said, I am dreaming, but I asked you, what are you doing here?

00:47:02I hope you won't be angry. I just had to meet you.

00:47:06Right, I am dreaming.

00:47:09What is he saying?

00:47:10He said, I am dreaming.

00:47:12I am sorry sir, I didn't know she was near.

00:47:14I will get her out.

00:47:15Nothing, nothing.

00:47:16Close the window.

00:47:17Shut the window.

00:47:19What is your family?

00:47:22A small business.

00:47:24What is your family?

00:47:26A small business.

00:47:28Oh.

00:47:29Comrade Krasnevs asks you, what is your name, my little baggage?

00:47:33My little what?

00:47:34My little baggage.

00:47:36Oh.

00:47:37Jackie.

00:47:39I have always admired you.

00:47:41Jackie.

00:47:43You are at secret service.

00:47:53He says you are from the secret service.

00:47:55No.

00:47:56But I would like to give you a little service secretly.

00:48:00You want money, yes?

00:48:01Capitalistic hippie.

00:48:02He says then you want money.

00:48:03You are capitalistic hippie.

00:48:04Tell him that I am just a simple girl who thinks Comrade Krasnev is the greatest state

00:48:05that Russia has ever had.

00:48:06And that I would like just one thing from him, something I would remember all my life.

00:48:25What is it you would like, my little cherry?

00:48:50That once, just once, Comrade Krasnev was my lover.

00:48:55You are mad.

00:48:56How dare you even to suggest this?

00:48:58You must be the...

00:48:59Do you know who he is?

00:49:00Do you know...

00:49:01Well, tell me what she said.

00:49:04I would like you to love her.

00:49:12Of course, I will show you what a Russian man can do.

00:49:19You will have your wish.

00:49:21Every Russian can swing with the best of the West.

00:49:36What is he saying?

00:49:38He said, if I breathe one word of this, I will be translating for the bears in Siberia for the rest of my life.

00:49:46I will go to the Soviet embassy.

00:49:48And then we will go to the Soviet embassy.

00:49:49And then we will go to the Soviet embassy.

00:49:50And then we will go to the Soviet embassy to pick up some baggage.

00:49:51And then we will go to a very pleasant hotel, which was recommended to him by Dr. Meyer.

00:49:55Dr. Meyer?

00:49:56Oh, no.

00:49:57But she moved.

00:49:58Oh, no.

00:49:59Oh, no.

00:50:00Oh, no.

00:50:01Oh, no.

00:50:02Oh, no.

00:50:03Oh, miss Webfoot, telephone for you again.

00:50:06Hello.

00:50:07Oh, Ducky.

00:50:08Hi, Ducky.

00:50:10Oh, hi, Ducky.

00:50:12Look, I have got .

00:50:13Dr. Meyer? Oh, no.

00:50:16But you move. Oh, no.

00:50:23Oh, Miss Webfoot, telephone for you again.

00:50:27Hello? Oh, Ducky.

00:50:29Oh, hi, Ducky. Look, I've got Krasniv ready.

00:50:32You sure? We've just been on one mile a goose chase.

00:50:35I'm positive, Ducky, but Harry, he's a real swinger.

00:50:38We're at the Greyfield Hotel.

00:50:41Oh, wow. I'll be right there.

00:50:43Back to the stadium again?

00:50:45No, it's all over there.

00:50:46Hey, what was the final score?

00:50:47You can count that high.

00:51:11Oh, my gosh.

00:51:17Oh, wow.

00:51:21Oh, what are you doing here?

00:51:49Comrade Krasnian wishes me to help him.

00:51:54Interpret.

00:51:55We're not going to talk.

00:51:57In Russia, we don't argue with our leaders.

00:52:01Oh, thank you.

00:52:19My little cherry.

00:52:25Hey, my little cherry.

00:52:29Hey, my little cherry.

00:52:34My sweet.

00:52:36Oh, my little cherry.

00:52:39You're not going to tell me about the truth.

00:52:44You're not going to talk.

00:52:46You're not going to talk.

00:52:49You're not going to talk.

00:52:51I'm going to talk.

00:52:55Hi.

00:52:57Hi.

00:52:59Are you having trouble, too?

00:53:01I missed my chance at Windsor.

00:53:03What happened? Did you get close?

00:53:05While I was doing sentry duty, the royal car drove out and I missed him.

00:53:11Now he's attending a concert at Albert Hall.

00:53:14It's awfully hard to score in there, isn't it?

00:53:16It's impossible. You can't even buy a ticket.

00:53:19Now I've got to wait till he gets home again.

00:53:22I thought I had myself stationed at the right place to bump into Mire when he came to the disarmament meeting.

00:53:27And he went somewhere else?

00:53:29To another meeting at your house.

00:53:31Well, we might as well give up anyway.

00:53:34Why? The night's still young.

00:53:36Ducky's not here.

00:53:38Oh, that's right. I didn't think.

00:53:41That means that Chris or Jackie must have called.

00:53:44One of them is making it right now and we lose.

00:53:49Maybe not. Look.

00:53:52Half alarm?

00:53:54Two of them.

00:53:55First Chris and a bunch of crazy Chinamen. All the wrong ones.

00:53:59Her prize got away while she was bringing joy to the rest of the team.

00:54:02Poor Chris.

00:54:03Poor?

00:54:04She got more action than I'll get if I lived to be 90.

00:54:07Did Jackie call, too?

00:54:09She's in bed with crashing her full right.

00:54:11These Russians have a peculiar way of making love.

00:54:14She hasn't scored yet?

00:54:15Not in the way it counts.

00:54:17Then we still have a chance to win, Bunny.

00:54:19I hope somebody does pretty soon.

00:54:21I can't watch much more of this.

00:54:22Every time my flash goes off, so do I.

00:54:25I'll get a winner for you, Ducky.

00:54:27I know it's cheating a little, but could you just get me inside your house?

00:54:31Why? Nobody's helping me get in Windsor Castle.

00:54:34Oh, please. You can do it easy.

00:54:37It'll only take a few minutes. Just get me inside and I'll do the rest.

00:54:42Okay. I can spot you a head start and still win.

00:54:46Thanks. We'll have to sneak in, though.

00:54:48I don't want my father to see me or it'll blow the whole evening.

00:54:51I don't want him to see me either. Just talk to Meyer.

00:54:53Oh, don't worry. Meyer's radar picks up anything within 10 miles.

00:54:57Do you think that guard at the gate will call the house and tell your father you're at home?

00:55:23Why? He figures my father will see that I'm at home.

00:55:27Guess so. Now what?

00:55:37They're meeting in the drawing room.

00:55:53What the hell is keeping that Chinese delegate?

00:55:56He'll be here.

00:55:58These meetings are as important to them as they are to us.

00:56:02Pardon me, Dr. Meyer, but it's an atrocious hour to transact important matters.

00:56:07If you could arrange it for the morning, then perhaps...

00:56:09No, no, Lord Teakwood. We must meet with all the delegates in the daytime.

00:56:12You see, the international talks are merely a front, a facade,

00:56:18but we arrange them as a cover story to conceal our real purpose for coming together in London,

00:56:23to hold the secret arms limitation talks with some of our close friends.

00:56:27And secret affairs can be kept secret better at night.

00:56:31Most of your nighttime affairs are rather an open secret, Doctor.

00:56:35The one appearing with you in this morning's paper was stunning.

00:56:38She's a secret agent. Took all night, but she cracked.

00:56:42I got a lot out of her.

00:56:45Yes, I dare say.

00:56:52Heavy meeting.

00:56:54Secretary Beard is here from Washington.

00:56:56I recognize Dr. Meyer. He's cute.

00:56:59Who was the stuffy British fellow?

00:57:01Lord Teakwood. He's not so stuffy. I've had him.

00:57:04Really funny.

00:57:06The other one's dear father. You can have him.

00:57:10What will I do? That meeting may go on all night.

00:57:13None of them can go on all night, except maybe Meyer.

00:57:17I know the room they've put him in. You better wait there.

00:57:20Wait in his bedroom.

00:57:21Relax, Sal. He moves fast.

00:57:24One minute in Washington, the next in Russia,

00:57:27the next in some Paris Bistro, the next in some Hollywood nightclub.

00:57:31He hates to waste time, and you'll save him a lot of time.

00:57:38That fellow isn't coming.

00:57:40I'm telling you, the Chinese are holding their own secret talks with the Russians.

00:57:43I can counter that tactic quickly.

00:57:45Announce to the press that we made overtures, that they refused to talk.

00:57:49Okay, O'Hara, do it, will you? First thing in the morning.

00:57:53I'll call the chief. We want top clearance for that.

00:57:55Put me through to Washington, please. The chief.

00:57:59And put this through on the private line as soon as you've got them.

00:58:02Where's the private Washington line?

00:58:04Oh, in the library.

00:58:24Hello, sir. It's good to hear your voice, sir.

00:58:27I know it's still the afternoon there, and I hate to break in on your busy schedule, but...

00:58:33You were looking at the Miami Dolphin game.

00:58:36I'm sorry. That is important.

00:58:38But what's the score?

00:58:41They haven't scored yet.

00:58:43Didn't they use that play you sent them?

00:58:46Oh.

00:58:47They lost ten yards.

00:58:50I don't blame you.

00:58:51With all the things you've got on your mind,

00:58:53you certainly didn't need an additional crisis like that.

00:58:57Well, sir, I thought for a little while we'd be in a little trouble here, but...

00:59:03I'm beginning to see a faint glimmer of hope.

00:59:07Yes, sir.

00:59:09In fact, things are looking much, much brighter.

00:59:13Yes, I can handle it.

00:59:16I know I can handle it.

00:59:18If you were here, sir, you could see that I am handling it, in fact.

00:59:21No.

00:59:22I don't believe there is any need for your presence here at the moment.

00:59:25Nothing you could do except stand by and watch.

00:59:29Very frustrating for you.

00:59:31Yes, sir.

00:59:33Yes, I've had a lot of experience in these things.

00:59:34Well, they just come naturally to me.

00:59:35Just like your football genius is natural to you.

00:59:38Yes, yes, you are, sir.

00:59:39You're greener than Rock Lee Lombardi, Pop Warner.

00:59:43Why, yes, I think I can put that into my press release tomorrow, sure.

00:59:47Of course.

00:59:48I'd be delighted to hear that statement.

00:59:49Yes, please, read it.

00:59:50Yes, please, read it.

00:59:51The

00:59:55card was the two of the prisoners in the morning of the teachers.

00:59:58How did the

01:00:02write up?

01:00:03Okay.

01:00:05Wow!

01:00:06Sounds like it, sir, you're greener than Rock Lee Lombardi, Pop Warner.

01:00:11Hmm?

01:00:13Oh, yes, I think I can put that into my press release tomorrow, sure.

01:00:17Of course.

01:00:18I'd be delighted to hear that statement.

01:00:20Yes, please, read it.

01:00:21He's been on that phone for hours. You think he's gotten through?

01:00:35Oh, he always gets through. They have a very special relationship.

01:00:39Yes, I know, Beard. I know.

01:00:42I better go and see if he's having any trouble.

01:00:44Well, I wouldn't do that if I were you, O'Hara.

01:00:47He doesn't like to be interfered with when he's talking with number one.

01:00:50Well, it's sure taken him a long time.

01:00:53A damn nuisance.

01:01:03I beg your pardon, sir?

01:01:05Oh, no, that was just a reaction of extreme pleasure.

01:01:09I thought you phrased that last part beautifully.

01:01:12Yes, I'm getting quite a bang out of it.

01:01:15Just being on the other end of the line while you're talking, sir,

01:01:18is the greatest experience you can imagine.

01:01:22Yes.

01:01:23Yes, I understand.

01:01:25Get back to your game, sir.

01:01:27We'll talk tomorrow after the meeting.

01:01:30Goodbye, sir.

01:01:31Peace.

01:01:32What a shame I didn't draw you.

01:01:36I'd be a big winner right now.

01:01:38You didn't enjoy it?

01:01:40Oh, yes.

01:01:41It's just that you're the wrong one.

01:01:43You don't count.

01:01:44I don't understand.

01:01:46I hope we can continue this later.

01:01:48Oh, I'd really love to.

01:01:50But I've got to get going.

01:01:52The other girls are probably about to beat me right now.

01:01:55Beat you?

01:01:55What have you got to do so urgently?

01:01:59I've got to get laid.

01:02:00I've got to get laid.

01:02:00What have you got to do?

01:02:07Oh, yes.

01:02:08Hey, hey.

01:02:10Hey, hey.

01:02:16Come on.

01:02:19Come on.

01:02:19Woo!

01:02:49Let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go.

01:03:19Let's go.

01:03:49Let's go, let's go.

01:04:19Let's go, let's go.

01:04:49Let's go, let's go, let's go.

01:04:51Let's go, let's go, let's go.

01:04:55Let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go.

01:04:57Let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go.

01:04:59Let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go.

01:05:01Let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go.

01:05:03Are you surprised to find me in your bedroom?

01:05:05Surprised and delighted.

01:05:07I never sleep alone if I can avoid it.

01:05:10Now, I think we've talked long enough, so...

01:05:12I'm sorry, but could I first make a telephone call, please?

01:05:15Certainly. The phone's right there.

01:05:17Don't rush. Take your time.

01:05:19A little delay increases the anticipation.

01:05:22I'll step into the bathroom and shower and freshen up a bit.

01:05:27Lovely.

01:05:33I had the devil of a time finding this crummy hotel.

01:05:37And nobody speaks English here,

01:05:39so I had to try 20 rooms before I found yours.

01:05:42Thank you. Thank you.

01:05:44Yes. I finally realized you don't speak English either.

01:05:48But I'm not here to talk.

01:05:55This message ought to be clear to a deaf-mute Ubangi.

01:05:59I appreciate the compliment, but could we get on with it?

01:06:10Oh, no. Not ping-pong.

01:06:12Let's play a different kind of game.

01:06:15Thank you. Thank you.

01:06:20Don't you see anything you like?

01:06:29Ah!

01:06:35Thank you. Thank you.

01:06:42Let's play ping-pong.

01:06:47Just one game, and then we hit the sack.

01:06:50And if you turn out to be a queer coolie...

01:06:55That's what I'll do to you.

01:06:57Ah! Thank you! Thank you!

01:07:15Not yet. You'll spoil everything if you're too quick.

01:07:18I'd better get a picture pretty soon. I can't stand all of this much longer.

01:07:21I've been cracking.

01:07:22Just a few more minutes.

01:07:24It's a chance to get started.

01:07:26Look. I'll wrap on the wall, then you jump out and snap.

01:07:29I'll wrap up and snap.

01:07:59To be continued...

01:08:29Perhaps if Dr. Mayer has retired...

01:08:40No, no, no, this is important.

01:08:41He never sleeps.

01:08:43He said if you showed up, come straight in.

01:08:46Doctor, Mr. Xinyang, the Chinese delegate is here.

01:08:55Doctor.

01:08:59Most fortuitous, comrade Ying.

01:09:05It could not have been better stage if we had planned it.

01:09:10A most embarrassing moment for Dr. Mayer.

01:09:14To think they would play into our hands like this.

01:09:20Things have been going badly at the world disarmament talks.

01:09:24Is that not so?

01:09:26Very badly for us, comrade Chen.

01:09:28And now we have this delicious scandal.

01:09:32Disgustingly immoral.

01:09:34A personal representative of the American president?

01:09:37Assaulting a mere girl?

01:09:40A child?

01:09:41A baby?

01:09:43Degenerate capitalists!

01:09:45Hypocrites!

01:09:46They talk of our terrible overpopulation.

01:09:49But they sneak about secretly populating the world.

01:09:52We must lose no time in turning this piece of good fortune to our advantage.

01:10:00Photograph, please, comrade.

01:10:02The photograph, comrade?

01:10:04Yes, yes.

01:10:05You mentioned another young girl who photographed the incriminating scene.

01:10:10Yes, that is so.

01:10:13Surely you took the film from her immediately.

01:10:16There was a great flash of light.

01:10:18It blinded me for a moment.

01:10:20Then much excitement followed.

01:10:22People shouting and running.

01:10:23The girl with the camera shone in.

01:10:27She ran out of the room.

01:10:29You fool!

01:10:30She was hysterical.

01:10:32Mad.

01:10:33It was all so confusing.

01:10:37She may still be running.

01:10:39When the chairman hears this, you may still be running.

01:10:44When the great Gobi Desert of Mongolia has turned to poppy fields.

01:10:49Get your best men!

01:10:52Find her!

01:10:53At once!

01:11:03Please!

01:11:26Here!

01:11:27Here!

01:11:28We can't be having this.

01:11:28We've got to get you decent.

01:11:29I'll take your picture.

01:11:29I'll have you decent.

01:11:30I'll take your picture.

01:11:31There we are.

01:11:32I'll give you a hand to the carriages!

01:11:34You!

01:11:36Hey!

01:11:38Hey, get on the car!

01:11:40You can't be saying we're on a secret home!

01:11:42You've been so close to her!

01:11:44Stay back!

01:11:46Stay back!

01:11:48We have a real learning now!

01:11:50I don't know what to do!

01:12:02Very amusing!

01:12:04A remarkable likeness!

01:12:06The retoucher has done a most excellent job!

01:12:11I have vanished from the picture as though I had never been there!

01:12:15Such a warm, personal, intimate gathering!

01:12:23There are so many possibilities!

01:12:26One hardly knows how to approach it!

01:12:29Secretary Beard!

01:12:31An ambassador of all the Americans!

01:12:33And Lord Teakwood for the British!

01:12:36All carelessly watching the rape of a poor helpless child!

01:12:40By the special aid to the United States President!

01:12:45It has a staggering potential!

01:12:48If only we wish to start a war!

01:12:51But we are talking of reducing armaments!

01:12:54Yes, we must be discreet and diplomatic!

01:12:58Nevertheless, we can now exert enormous pressure in our world disarmament talks!

01:13:05This will bring Dr. Meyer quickly to his knees!

01:13:10He is already on his knees!

01:13:12Send copies of this photograph to both the Americans and the British!

01:13:17Include a carefully worded memorandum!

01:13:20Say we are prepared to be most discreet!

01:13:24If then go more smoothly at the next secret meeting!

01:13:28Very welcome, Chairman!

01:13:30Then call Peking!

01:13:31Get me the Chairman! Quickly!

01:13:34This is the final cotton-picking straw!

01:13:43It's shocking!

01:13:44Incredible!

01:13:45Where was your mind, Dr. Meyer?

01:13:48I'd say Dr. Meyer's mind was on his work!

01:13:51And rather happily so!

01:13:53You can be amused, Lord Teakwood!

01:13:55This is an American problem!

01:13:57It's a universal problem, I fear!

01:13:59If only your police had got that damn girl before she had lost her camera!

01:14:04She's rather good at candid photos, isn't she?

01:14:08Too damn good!

01:14:10It's a remarkable likeness of the three of us!

01:14:12Notice how she captured us just above the good doctor's dove!

01:14:15Brilliant timing, actually!

01:14:16A moment later, he might have been on the rise!

01:14:18We'd have been completely obscured!

01:14:20I consider that poor humor!

01:14:24No humor intended, old chap!

01:14:26I truly admire that picture!

01:14:27You know, the Chinese are clever!

01:14:29They've managed to get Ying right out of the picture!

01:14:31That's really plain dirty!

01:14:33I say, would you mind if I had a wallet-sized print made up?

01:14:38Now, if you'll excuse me, I really must get back to the Foreign Office!

01:14:42I'll be in touch!

01:14:43The Chinese memo that came with that photograph is pure blackmail!

01:14:51We certainly can't go ahead with the secret disarmament negotiations now!

01:14:54We'd be at their mercy!

01:14:56What could they do with that photo, really?

01:14:58Destroy international image?

01:15:00To say nothing of our image at home?

01:15:02You and I, O'Hara, will end up as clerks for the internal revenue,

01:15:05and you, Dr. Mayor, will be deported!

01:15:08A sorry thing for the United States!

01:15:10Do you realize, if anything happened to me, that man in the White House would really be president?

01:15:16Hey!

01:15:17Public reaction mightn't be so bad!

01:15:19I mean, that girl, Selena...

01:15:21What's her name?

01:15:22She's Anglo-Indian, isn't she?

01:15:24Now, people understand about Indian girls!

01:15:27What do they understand?

01:15:29You know!

01:15:30At home, they're so overprotected that when they get out, they're...

01:15:33They're over-sexed!

01:15:35Oh, O'Hara!

01:15:37There were three girls involved in this massive international sex plot, or whatever it was,

01:15:42and one of them just happens to be your daughter!

01:15:45Yeah, I know.

01:15:47Teakwood's got the special branch out now, rounding them up.

01:15:50I bet they haven't done anything like that!

01:15:52Better pray they didn't!

01:15:54As I understand it, it was your over-sexed little kindergarten kid

01:15:58who had her eye on Buckingham Palace or Windsor Castle.

01:16:07Come on, let's have a look at a party!

01:16:09Come on!

01:16:10Come on!

01:16:11Come on, come on, let's go!

01:16:14Hey, what's this?

01:16:16Why are you?

01:16:17It's not a law!

01:16:18I'll be ready for one of those!

01:16:19It's not a law!

01:16:20Get ready!

01:16:21I'll be ready!

01:16:22Get ready!

01:16:23I'll be ready!

01:16:25It's not a law!

01:16:26It's not a law!

01:16:27It's not a law!

01:16:28It's not a law.

01:16:29It should be about what it is!

01:16:30You can't have enough of it.

01:16:31It's not a law!

01:16:32I can't have enough of it!

01:16:33If you don't get the idea pretty soon, Chum, I shall be too tired to care.

01:16:52Ah.

01:16:57Ah, now finally you've got the idea.

01:17:01You never mind a phone call, who needs photographs?

01:17:06Ah.

01:17:08Mommy, your wife.

01:17:10Ah, I'm uhhh, oh.

01:17:12It's changing, you're watching me, I'm about to purchase offered to you too.

01:17:15What do you do and get ready?

01:17:19What do you do and get ready?

01:17:20Do not charge me, do not charge me.

01:17:26Do you realize you have created a terrible international crisis?

01:17:44You have completely destroyed secret negotiations that were going on between several world powers?

01:17:51And you may have severely endangered our chance for a real world peace.

01:17:57We just wanted to help international relations.

01:18:01Worst of all was that photograph.

01:18:04Why would you take a picture of a great man in such a compromising way?

01:18:09For the same reason he posed for it.

01:18:11Don't get flip with me, young woman.

01:18:13I snapped lots of big men the same way.

01:18:15Most of them were much more interesting than that one of Dr. Meyer.

01:18:19What other men?

01:18:21Well, there was me with comrade Krashnev.

01:18:23Krashnev?

01:18:24And me with half the red Chinese ping-pong team.

01:18:28You have a pornographic picture of the Chinese?

01:18:32Well, I snapped it. I don't know what I got, but it ought to be pretty weird.

01:18:36Yes, but the film, it was in your camera when you lost it, huh?

01:18:40No, I changed the film for each assignment.

01:18:47Young lady, you may have put world peace back on the right track.

01:18:53Treaders, fools, running dogs, and imbeciles.

01:19:01Not even one week away from your homeland.

01:19:05And you sink to the degenerate level of the dirty capitalists.

01:19:10If I may speak, comrade Chen.

01:19:12You may not speak, Shen Min.

01:19:14Your face appeared in this revolting spectacle also.

01:19:19I was not actively engaged.

01:19:21No matter.

01:19:22It will suit the American's purpose just as well.

01:19:26This creates an impasse.

01:19:28A stalemate!

01:19:30What good is our photograph of the American presidential aide now?

01:19:35There will be hard days ahead for all of you when you return to Peking.

01:19:48Under!

01:19:55Shen Ying speaking.

01:19:57Ah, Lord Tikun.

01:20:00So good of you to call.

01:20:01Yes, we received a photograph.

01:20:08Most amusing.

01:20:10It adds a little humor to our grim work to exchange small jokes this way.

01:20:15Isn't that so?

01:20:18Oh, of course.

01:20:20Now that we have both enjoyed a chuckle,

01:20:22we will destroy our negatives, as I am sure the Americans will destroy theirs.

01:20:26Yes.

01:20:27Very wise.

01:20:29I agree.

01:20:31Going home?

01:20:33Yes.

01:20:34We were speaking of that very thing as you called.

01:20:35The ping pong team will be leaving at once.

01:20:37Myself?

01:20:38Yes, yes.

01:20:39I will accompany them.

01:20:41And comrade Chen also.

01:20:43Yes, yes.

01:20:44I will accompany them.

01:20:45And comrade Chen also.

01:20:46Yes.

01:20:47Comrade Chen has his bags all packed here.

01:20:49We will miss our private chats with you and Americans.

01:20:51Oh.

01:20:52Oh.

01:20:53They are flying home at once also.

01:20:54Yes.

01:20:55A cooling or pure.

01:20:56Goodbye, your lord.

01:20:57Goodbye.

01:20:58Goodbye.

01:20:59Goodbye.

01:21:00Goodbye.

01:21:01Goodbye.

01:21:02Well, it's all settled.

01:21:03They will destroy their negatives as I promised you, Chaps, Waldo.

01:21:04Which, of course, neither of us will do.

01:21:05They will get out of the country.

01:21:06Just as I promised you, Chaps, Waldo.

01:21:08They are flying home at once, also.

01:21:12Yes.

01:21:14A cooling or period.

01:21:16Goodbye, Your Lordship.

01:21:18Goodbye.

01:21:21Well, it's all settled.

01:21:22They'll destroy their negative, as I promised you, Chapsward.

01:21:25Which, of course, neither of us will do.

01:21:27They're getting out of the country.

01:21:29Just as I promised you, Chapsward.

01:21:31Now, just a minute, just a minute.

01:21:32We've got other business here besides these world disarmament talks.

01:21:35That was mainly a ploy, a cover-up for the secret negotiations.

01:21:38Oh, I'm terribly sorry.

01:21:39I'm merely conveying the cordial farewell and bon voyage of the Prime Minister.

01:21:43Why should the Prime Minister give the boot to Secretary Bearden and Dr. Mayer?

01:21:47I'm afraid the boot is aimed more directly at you, Ambassador.

01:21:50Your daughter was the instigator of this scandalous affair

01:21:53that nearly brought on a global conflict.

01:21:55And you will remember, one of the men marked down for seduction by the girls

01:21:59was a guest at the Foreign Minister's residence.

01:22:02We can't stand any more scams at this time than you people.

01:22:05You mean I'm getting the heave-hole?

01:22:08Well, that's rather an indelicate way of putting it.

01:22:11The Prime Minister has contacted your President.

01:22:14You're merely being shifted, oh, still, Ambassador,

01:22:16to a more glamorous but more distant post.

01:22:23The big news story of the moment contains some mysterious undertones

01:22:26and rather dire implications.

01:22:28There has been a sudden and unexplained mass exodus of very important men out of London.

01:22:34The airport was teeming this morning with world-famous personalities.

01:22:38The Red Chinese have cancelled all further ping-pong exhibitions,

01:22:42and the entire team embarked this morning for Peking,

01:22:45along with Shen Ying and Chian Chu, top-ranking Chinese officials.

01:22:53Special Presidential aide, Dr. Wolfgang Meyer,

01:22:56has suddenly been recalled to Washington as her Secretary Beard.

01:22:59And Soviet statesman Krasniv boarding a plane for Moscow this morning said

01:23:07he was abandoning all hopes of a world peace.

01:23:10His exact and bewildering statement to the press was

01:23:13that he does not expect to find another peace in his lifetime.

01:23:16Observer state, he appeared to be a basket case.

01:23:20And to cap it all,

01:23:35reliable information has just been handed us

01:23:37that American ambassador, Randolph O'Hara,

01:23:40has been transferred to...

01:23:43Afghanistan.

01:23:45Afghanistan?

01:23:47I need a drink.

01:23:47I think it sounds exotic.

01:23:50It's in Africa, isn't it?

01:23:51No.

01:23:52Well, where is it?

01:23:53Nobody knows.

01:23:57Don't be so grumpy, Father.

01:23:59I'm not complaining because I had to leave that swell school you sent me to.

01:24:04Neither is that swell school.

01:24:06Well, if you don't like where they're sending you,

01:24:08why don't you go back to being a big Wall Street tycoon?

01:24:11Because I gave up three presidencies

01:24:14and the chairmanship of two boards to go into government.

01:24:17It's not that easy to go back,

01:24:20especially in disgrace.

01:24:24Afghanistan.

01:24:26Try it. You'll like it.

01:24:28Like it? I can't even spell it!

01:24:30You little sex fiend.

01:24:32Your hot pants bounced me clear up to London.

01:24:35Now they've bounced me almost down to oblivion.

01:24:37I was about to crash Windsor Castle when your friends loused me up.

01:24:42I might have bounced you all the way up to being the first American Prime Minister of Great Britain.

01:24:47Good-bye, Roy.

01:24:52Thank you very much.

01:24:57All right, young lady. Say your good-byes.

01:25:00Just because I have to leave, I hope you're not going to give up.

01:25:05You know how important extracurricular activity is.

01:25:09Don't worry. You made us appreciate the value of higher education.

01:25:14We'll keep right on with the thrilling program you started.

01:25:17We're going to read the papers and get some new ideas about world affairs.

01:25:21And then we'll write you in Afghanistan

01:25:23and let you know who wins the highest honor.

01:25:25Fantastic.

01:25:27But always remember what Miss Grimm says.

01:25:30Winning isn't important. It's how you play the game.

01:25:34Time to get on the play now, Bunny.

01:25:39I'll be right along.

01:25:41Yeah.

01:25:43Bye.

01:25:44Bye, Bunny.

01:25:45Now, don't forget, Julie.

01:25:46When you follow next week, be sure to see the office...

01:25:49Ah, Ambassador O'Hara.

01:25:53I'm so pleased we're on the same flight, sir.

01:25:57Oh, yeah, yeah. Quite a coincidence.

01:26:00Nice to see you.

01:26:01Now, as I was saying, be sure to see that the office files are on their way to Kabul...

01:26:11and not hung up in some London freight dock.

01:26:13Bye.

01:26:15Bye.

01:26:17Bye, Bunny.

01:26:19No.

01:26:20No.

01:26:30Well, do something before that little nympho screws you all the way to Adamongolia.

01:26:35Don't worry.

01:26:37She may be rubbing knees in the air for a few hours for that Hindu faker.

01:26:42But the minute she stops off the plane, I'm shipping her to her...

01:26:46to her nunnery in the Himalayas.

01:26:48My God, didn't you recognize him?

01:26:50That Hindu faker is the president of Afghanistan.

01:26:56No.

01:26:57Oh, no!

01:26:58Oh, no!

01:27:20All right!

01:27:22No?

01:27:23No.

01:27:24No.

01:27:26No.

01:27:27No.

01:27:28Let's go.

01:27:29Yes.

01:27:30Let's go.

01:27:30Okay.

01:27:31¶¶

Category

Transcript

Be the first to comment

Recommended