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00:00I'm a pretty nice guy. Just asked my parole officer.
00:04Apparently I'm not a funny guy.
00:05It's a question fans have been asking for decades.
00:08Did Phoebe settle by choosing Mike?
00:11Friends' Phoebe Buffet is quirky, unique, and has lived an interesting life,
00:15while by comparison, Mike Hannigan is kind of bland.
00:19You don't have to worry about glue-sniffing with me.
00:22Although I do smell the occasional magic marker.
00:24After seasons in which Phoebe's love life was sidelined,
00:27Mike was introduced seemingly so the writers could give Phoebe
00:30the happy ending the other characters got.
00:32In an interview in Variety, the actor who plays him, Paul Rudd,
00:36noted there wasn't much to the character, saying,
00:38I'm like a prop on this show.
00:40So you're a paleontologist, right?
00:42Yeah.
00:43My cousin's a paleontologist.
00:44Huh?
00:46Well, he and I would probably have a lot to talk about.
00:48But while subdued Mike may not be creative Phoebe's type on paper,
00:53ultimately he offers her stability and the kind of normal
00:57home-centered life she's long privately felt she wasn't allowed to have.
01:01Despite Settling's bad reputation,
01:03equated with denying yourself true happiness
01:06and sacrificing your deeper dreams in favor of stability,
01:09it's actually very common.
01:11A 2016 study in the UK found that only 23% of adults in relationships
01:15polled believed they were dating Mr. or Mrs. Right,
01:18while the majority said they were with someone who was very definitely not the one.
01:23So rather than this being a tragic reality,
01:25could this be the secret to contentment?
01:27I don't think that you and I were destined to end up together.
01:30I think that we fell in love and we work hard at our relationship.
01:34Here's our take on Phoebe and Mike,
01:36and how they redefine what Settling really is,
01:39maybe the key to a happy ever after.
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03:15Aside from ladies' man Joey, Phoebe is the only friend
03:18who doesn't really have a long-term relationship for most of the show's seasons.
03:22Just go from guy to guy, having fun,
03:24and not worrying that it never turns into anything serious.
03:27And while Joey genuinely doesn't seem cut out for long-term commitment,
03:31it's less clear that Phoebe's actually fulfilled by staying independent
03:35and playing the field.
03:36When we look closer, her romantic history is beset with obstacles
03:40and exciting loves who disappointed her.
03:42She fell in love with her gay ice dancer friend Duncan,
03:45even marrying him so he could get a green card.
03:47But by the time he realized he wasn't gay,
03:50he was marrying someone else for real.
03:52If you had figured this out sooner and I had been around,
03:57do you think that I would have been the one who — no, no, that's all right, don't tell me.
04:02She opens herself up to Gary, the police officer who wins her over with his sweetness,
04:07only to watch him shoot a bird on their first morning living together.
04:10And she has feelings for Ursula's fiancé Eric,
04:13but it just gets too weird that he's been intimate with her twin sister.
04:16Well, if I didn't have sex with you, I had sex with somebody that looked an awful lot like.
04:20You had sex with Ursula?
04:22A little bit.
04:24She walked in, I thought she was you, and I kissed her.
04:27Standing out most is her one-who-got-away, David,
04:29the scientist guy who moves away to Minsk.
04:32David's having left the country for a far-away destination
04:35ceases on one of Phoebe's core issues, the fear of abandonment.
04:39We know that all of Phoebe's family left her in some way.
04:42What am I going to say? Like, hi, I'm Phoebe, the daughter you abandoned.
04:45So as much as David felt he had no choice,
04:47David ended up being another person Phoebe loved who ended up leaving her.
04:52Thus, it makes sense that one of the things she really values in Mike
04:56is how he stays by her even as things get difficult.
04:59Michael, a pimp spit in her mouth!
05:02I mean, if I can get past that, it shouldn't bother you.
05:04And later on, when Phoebe has to choose between Mike and a returned David,
05:08she goes with the guy who sticks around.
05:11Perhaps if I hadn't gone to Minsk, things would have worked out for us.
05:14Issues with abandonment can lead to people forming an insecure attachment style,
05:18but sometimes that can manifest in acting avoidant,
05:21being overly independent, and pushing others away so you can't get hurt.
05:25Phoebe is someone who's constantly giving to others.
05:28She even becomes an altruistic surrogate for her half-brother
05:31carrying his triplets.
05:32And this selflessness of Phoebe's, while genuine,
05:35could also be a way of proving that she doesn't need to be taken care of,
05:39like everyone else.
05:40Given that she's acted for so long like she doesn't need what everyone else wants,
05:45it's revealing that Phoebe gets so unsettled by the idea
05:48that Mike doesn't see marriage in their future.
05:50While their relationship is developing nicely,
05:53Mike's refusal to consider marriage introduces an insecurity to their relationship,
05:57which, for someone who's used to being let down by men,
06:00is difficult to come to terms with.
06:01It was okay to move in when I didn't know what was going to happen,
06:05but I can't move in knowing nothing is ever going to happen.
06:09After they break up, and then he does eventually propose,
06:12she declines, underlining that it's not that she wanted to get married right away,
06:16she just needed to know it was a possibility.
06:19I just needed to know that we were headed somewhere,
06:21you know, that we had a future.
06:23The gesture reintroduces that security back into the relationship,
06:27and the fact that it was Mike who made the move to reignite the romance
06:30models something new for her,
06:32that while sometimes the people she loves may spend time apart from her,
06:35they can also come back.
06:37We can have any future you want.
06:44It just feels like now it's my turn to have some of the regular stuff.
06:48There is a section of the Friends audience who argue that Mike
06:51is just too boring to be the right match for Phoebe.
06:54But after the chaotic early life Phoebe's lived,
06:57Mike gives her the chance to be, well, normal.
07:00Phoebe, I had no idea you were so conventional.
07:03I know, I guess I am.
07:04Phoebe's childhood was dysfunctional and difficult,
07:07including homelessness and lacking parental guidance.
07:10My real dad's the one that ran out on us before I was born.
07:14How have you never been on Oprah?
07:15And her journey in the show is about building the kind of functional,
07:19stable life she never had.
07:21In addition to her friends, she works hard at cementing connections with family,
07:25bonding with her half-brother Frank Jr., even though they're clearly
07:28very different people.
07:29How I told you about my likes and my dislikes,
07:32how I like to melt stuff and how I dislike stuff that doesn't melt.
07:36And embraces her role as the cool aunt to his kids.
07:39I can babysit any time you want.
07:42You name the day and I'll be there.
07:43Are you gonna do that for us?
07:46Are you kidding?
07:46That's what sisters are for.
07:48She finds her birth mother and begins to see some of the similarities between them.
07:51You know, I wanted to tell you yesterday, but I just felt all floopy.
07:57And finally finds her father and is able to see some parts of herself in him, too.
08:01I mean, I made up a song to sing you to sleep.
08:04Sleepy girl, sleepy girl, why won't you go to sleep?
08:10She even continues making periodic gestures towards her cold and aloof twin sister Ursula.
08:16Happy 30th birthday, here.
08:20It's for the child in you, and the woman.
08:22So after she's pieced together the family she always missed,
08:25and started building a new, extended family, she feels ready to have her own family.
08:30Mike also embodies stability to Phoebe because he comes from almost the
08:33opposite background from her, with a wealthy family and safety net.
08:37Oh my god, you're rich!
08:39Oh, my parents are rich.
08:40Yeah, so, they gotta die someday.
08:42Even as an adult, Phoebe occupies a more insecure, unstable position
08:46than some of her wealthier friends, getting by working as a masseuse
08:49and living in her grandmother's apartment.
08:51So Mike represents a certain class status and prestige
08:54that Phoebe may on some level find reassuring.
08:57Counterintuitively, settling can sometimes feel like a gamble,
09:00like you're going all in on the here and now
09:03because you're betting nothing better will come along.
09:06But for Phoebe, her decision to choose Mike feels more motivated
09:09by the kind of future she sees for herself.
09:12But do I want that house in Connecticut, you know,
09:14near the good schools where Mike and I could send little Sophie and Mike Jr.?
09:20Oh my god, I do.
09:21Mathematician Hannah Fry argues that in order to have the best chance
09:24of finding a stable partner, you should reject the first 37% of people who come along,
09:29and then choose the next person who's better than anyone that's come before.
09:33It's a tongue-in-cheek application of mathematics,
09:35calling to mind Zack Bornstein's viral tweet.
09:38The best way to tell if someone is your soulmate out of 8 billion people
09:41is if they are the third person you date in your mid-to-late 20s.
09:45But it does underline just how much our search for the One is shaped by timing.
09:49When Mike arrives on the scene, Phoebe is just beginning to consider
09:52her future more seriously, and rethinking her past attitude toward relationships.
09:56I'm in my 30s, and I've never been in a long-term relationship?
10:00Arguably, we see this in other characters, too.
10:03Monica is always under pressure from her parents to settle down,
10:07so she first gets together with Chandler at her brother's wedding.
10:10My mother's right.
10:12Never gonna get married.
10:13You know what that is?
10:16Who wouldn't want you?
10:17After Chandler and Monica get together,
10:19Joey, too, begins weighing up whether he wants a serious relationship.
10:22I could get a girlfriend, yeah.
10:24We could sit in a chair and do crossword puzzles,
10:26but you know, are we ever gonna have the closeness like you guys have?
10:30So without Phoebe's quarter-life crisis around
10:32not having had a long-term relationship,
10:34would she have been looking to invest so much in Mike?
10:37Maybe not.
10:38But she loves him.
10:40They have chemistry, and the importance of timing in this picture
10:43underlines that settling is about making an informed choice
10:46about how what you have now can lead to a future you've always wanted.
10:50But I want to take care of you, have babies with you,
10:56and grow old with you.
11:02So why does settling have a bad reputation?
11:05Is it because we always assume that the grass is greener on the other side?
11:08Or is it because this more realistic attitude toward relationship building
11:12feels unromantic somehow?
11:14I'm not romantic, you know.
11:17I ask only a comfortable home.
11:20And considering Mr. Collins' character,
11:23I am convinced that my chance of happiness with him is as fair
11:26as most people can boast on entering the marriage state.
11:28Often what we've seen on screen has planted a deep fear of settling in many of us.
11:33In The Office, when we first meet Pam, she is a kind of cautionary tale of settling.
11:38She is unhappily engaged to Roy for years, not looking forward to anything,
11:43trapped in a settled stasis.
11:45The Dundee Award for longest engagement goes to Pam Beasley.
11:52The discussion of settling often assumes that there's someone better waiting,
11:56and in Pam's case, obviously that's Jim.
11:58While Roy is brutish, cruel, and doesn't really seem to get Pam,
12:03Jim is kind, funny, and relates to who Pam really is.
12:06She is so great.
12:09The feeling that your better soulmate may still be out there is pervasive.
12:13In the UK study quoted previously,
12:15around 18% said they'd avoid marrying their partner in order to wait for the One,
12:2133% thought Destiny would intervene to introduce them to the One,
12:24and around 80% of respondents said they'd consider a future divorce
12:28if their soulmate showed up after they were married.
12:30Our culture believes settling diminishes something of yourself
12:34in order to fit the trajectory you think a relationship should follow.
12:37It's something BoJack Horseman creator Raphael Bob-Waksberg expressed eloquently
12:41in his Twitter poem about Marge and Homer Simpson.
12:44Does Marge have friends?
12:45Who tells Marge to leave the brute, knowing she won't?
12:48You don't have to say.
12:49You deserve so much more.
12:50Countless stories tell us that choosing a lesser love may seem like an easier option,
12:55but it won't work, and it's just delaying an inevitable breakup.
12:59But settling isn't always choosing the lesser option.
13:02Instead, it can display a maturity that now you're thinking about
13:05the bigger picture of the relationship.
13:07In Knocked Up, Ben and Allison probably wouldn't have ordinarily ended up together,
13:12but when their one-night stand leads to an unexpected pregnancy,
13:15it forces them both to reconsider their priorities.
13:18You read the baby books?
13:21Yeah. I did. I read three of them, actually.
13:24The family they create together becomes more important than each of them,
13:28and so they settle in order to provide a better life for their child.
13:32Don't tell mommy what was the smartest thing I ever did listening to her,
13:36because now you're here.
13:37When Monica is weighing up her choice between Chandler and Richard,
13:40it's not just predicated on who she loves more,
13:43but who can give her what she wants out of a relationship?
13:47I'm not a kid anymore.
13:48I need to be with someone who wants the same things that I do.
13:51But she realizes that her and Chandler shaping their future together in the present
13:55is realer and more solid than Richard coming back into the picture
13:58and changing his mind after not wanting a family with her.
14:01This is exactly what Phoebe comes to realize when presented
14:04with almost the exact same choice in David and Michael.
14:07In the early days of her relationship with Mike,
14:09she backslides and kisses David,
14:12and during their marriage-related breakup,
14:13David returns and plans to propose.
14:16But despite Phoebe finally getting the chance to have that stability
14:19with the one that got away,
14:21now it's Mike that's really on her mind.
14:23I'm crazy about David and we're having so much fun together.
14:27Why? Why do I miss Mike?
14:29Her eventual decision to choose Mike feels like a rejection not just of David,
14:33but the former ideas about love she had when she met him as a younger woman,
14:38ideas that were more stereotypically romantic but also more immature.
14:42Mike's characteristics are more important to the grown-up mature Phoebe
14:46than being with someone who's more dramatically weird
14:49or presents like a neurotic, exciting genius.
14:52Phoebe and Mike reveal that settling doesn't have to mean not choosing your soulmate,
14:56but rather that your deepest match and reflection of your values
15:00might not be what you used to think.
15:02These are my rat babies!
15:08Yeah, we have rat babies now.
15:10As different as Mike and Phoebe may seem,
15:12they're similar in ways that are important to them both.
15:15They're creative and appreciate the arts,
15:17bonding early on over their love of music and eclectic tastes.
15:21What kind of music do you play?
15:22Well, um, like acoustic folksy stuff, you know,
15:25but right now I'm working on a couple Iron Maiden covers.
15:28They have a shared sense of humor.
15:30Maybe, most importantly of all,
15:31Phoebe doesn't have to diminish any of her quirks or eccentricities
15:35to make Mike happy,
15:36because it's exactly these eccentricities that Mike loves so much about her.
15:40You're so wonderfully weird.
15:42As a reflection of Phoebe,
15:44steady and calm Mike also reveals that,
15:46underneath her wacky individualism,
15:48she too is surprisingly balanced and reasonable.
15:51Both are willing to listen to others,
15:53debate topics, and sometimes change their minds.
15:56This kind of open-minded resilience is an attractive and important quality,
16:00especially for couples who will need to evolve together over time.
16:03Returning to that UK settling study,
16:06according to respondents, the ideal soulmate was said to possess
16:09a forgiving nature, to be kind and caring,
16:11and to love me unconditionally.
16:13This sounds very much like how Mike is with Phoebe.
16:16I love Phoebe.
16:18She's the single most important thing in my life.
16:20I'd die before I let anything happen to her.
16:23And of course, there's the fact that Mike is played by the very handsome,
16:27and never-aging Paul Rudd.
16:29Not a bad-looking guy to settle with.
16:31So yes, Phoebe probably has settled with Mike.
16:34But in doing so, she gives us a new,
16:36more optimistic interpretation of what settling actually is.
16:40Not accepting less, but instead knowing when to cash out,
16:44because the going is good.
16:45And it's time to enjoy your winnings.
16:48Now I'm standing here today,
16:50knowing that I have everything I'm ever gonna need.
16:53We are so excited to announce that we now have a line of Weird Girl merchandise.
16:59You can now express it through t-shirts, posters, mugs, a backpack.
17:03There's power in owning the Weird Girl in all of us.
17:06Announce that you are the Weird Girl.
17:08Click the link in the description below,
17:10and get your hands on this one-of-a-kind Weird Girl merch.
17:14And I'll see you guys next time.
17:26Bye!
17:31Bye!
17:34Bye!
17:36Bye!
17:37Bye!
17:38Bye!
17:39Bye!
17:40Bye!
17:41Bye!
17:42Bye!
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